Bullying and depression: Our stories (video)
We understand what it’s like to be bullied. Both of us were, and it had a part in triggering our depressions. In this video, we talk about our experiences with being bullied, and what you can do to help keep bullying from doing long-lasting emotional damage.
Hi I’m Deborah Gray and this is my son Lawrence and we’re going to talk about a subject that we both know a lot about, which is bullying and depression because both of us, when we were younger, were bullied.
Extensively.
And we both feel that it was one of the – at least one of the triggers for our depression. And so when I say bullying I just want to clarify that I don’t just mean physical bullying. I also mean teasing, the, the things that other kids do to, to isolate a child and to what? Like, you know, single them out and you know, basically, you know, cause these feelings, of, you know, isolation and depression and loneliness and you know, self-esteem problems.
So I guess we’ll just go in chronological order. So when I was about seven, my family moved to a town that was very, very sports oriented and I was –
Were a nerd.
Well, I was – we called a bookworm. And also I was shy and introverted and I was perfectly happy just being left alone and reading during recess and but, you know, unfortunately, they didn’t just leave me alone.
So, I started getting teased and picked on a lot, and just to use an example of something that happened – I, I was in fifth grade. So we, we would change rooms. So we had a homeroom and then we’d go to different rooms to learn different subjects. And we had, we had those desks that lift up.
And yeah, well, it was a while ago. So, um –
Old.
I was in one of my classes and the teacher said to me, “Deborah can you come up here?” and all the kids started kind of like, snickering and I didn’t know what was going on. But so I went up and she said, you know loudly enough for everyone to hear, “I, I hear you have some things in your desk,” and I just looked at her blankly like, I have no idea what –
Ugh, I’ve heard this story.
– what you’re talking about. And I don’t remember quite how she said it, but she said basically that, that she heard I had been picking my nose and putting the dried snot in my desk.
And so I was obviously, as you can imagine – I had –
Mortified.
Well, I hadn’t, obviously, I hadn’t been doing that. What it was is that some kid had taken rubber cement and made little, those little things –
Yeah.
that look like boogers and put them on my desk when I wasn’t there. And um, so I was, I was completely humiliated and I started – you know when you know you’re gonna cry, and the corner of your mouth starts turning down, and you can’t stop it?
Yeah.
It’s like, it’s, it’s – you’re not even controlling it. And I was so embarrassed. But the thing is, is that what I – looking back – what I kind of resent is, you know, that she didn’t have to handle it that way. She could have just said to me quietly, “Deborah, can you just stay after class?” and handled it differently.
And this is one of the problems I’ve seen over the years, also with, with, with your experience, was that the teachers – um, some teachers – can be incredibly insensitive. Um, I mean, she had to obviously know that I was kind of the odd person out, and I was, you know, uh, you know, I was – she had to know I was being picked on and excluded and everything.
So, I mean, she, she just made it worse. And the thing was, she was a nice teacher. Um, but I mean, how can you be so clueless?
So, I mean, this, this stuff went on literally through, I’d say, the eighth grade, probably. And there was still, in like, seventh and eighth grade, there was still this one girl who was really popular who kept teasing me and bullying me, and, and then I remember one time, a friend of hers – our lockers were near to each other – a friend of hers said, “Jennifer, why don’t you just leave her alone.” And I think, you know, at that point her friend was maturing. I, I’m not sure if she ever did.
But, you know, it’s, it’s amazing that it goes on. And I was – I didn’t do anything to offend anyone, you know? I mean, I didn’t, I didn’t, I wasn’t, you know…I had ADHD, but I was very, very quiet. It was not – and no one ever knew I had ADHD, because I was – the depression, I think, kept me – I wasn’t hyper, and girls tend to be less hyper than boys, but…I – you know, I wasn’t hurting anyone. I just wanted to be, you know, left alone to do my own thing.
The one time I can remember – although I may have blocked some of this stuff out – that there was actually – I was physically bullied – was there was a girl who sat behind me on the bus. Like every day she would take her math book, which was like, really thick, and just slam it on top of my head a few times. And again, there you had a bus driver, you know. I’m sure he saw it. As far as I remember, he never stopped it.
Finally I told my parents. My mom wrote a letter to her parents. Her parents made her write an apology letter. And like, two days later, she starts slamming her book on top of my head again.
But eventually I, I was, I don’t know, I kind of like, joined a group of friends and that transitioned into another group of friends and I guess people got a little older. And it, you know – I feel like the last four years of school there, there really wasn’t a problem.
So. Why don’t we talk about your experience.
Well, mine was different in a way, because I have always – well, throughout elementary school, I was the tallest kid, and you know what? I still managed to get bullied. Ha, ha. It’s, it’s ironic, isn’t it? So basically, I mean, throughout school, and even now I am, how do I say? A bit large, and I was constantly made fun of for that, sometimes even by my own friends.
For being overweight.
Yes and to them, obv- it’s – between me and my friends – it was a joking manner. We were like, “Hey, you, you may be overweight, but you know, we still love you, man.” And, but there were people who genuinely just wanted to make me feel bad. And a lot of the time bullying stemmed from people knowing that I instinctively would use my strength that came with my size to react. So they would goad me into reacting, ‘cause they knew I’d be physical and that they would completely shirk the blame onto me and say that I started it, I was the bad guy. Even – like, I remember an occasion where a kid was throwing a basketball at my head over and over and over. And I threw it back once and he goes to the teacher, starts screaming about it, and I get in trouble for it.
So, the problem was, is that the adults always assumed that Lawrence had to be the one who was doing the bullying or the teasing or whatever –
Because, you know, big tall kid.
– just because of his size. Yeah.
And you know what? It sucked. Cause it – I remember an occasion also where I was sitting on a bench and a kid actually tripped over my legs. I apologized. I, I –
Oh, yeah.
I apologized. He apologized. He was trying to say, “Hey man, naw, I wasn’t looking.” The teacher comes over and says, “Lawrence, what’s wrong with you?”
I remember that. I remember that.
And I say, “It wasn’t me, it wasn’t my fault.” And the kid says, “No, it wasn’t his fault.” The teacher’s like, “No, don’t worry. I got this. By the way Lawrence, no recess.” And you know what?
Yeah.
That happened –
Yeah.
That kind of happened so many times.
Yeah, it was ridiculous.
And it eventually got me to instill this pattern of blaming myself for every single thing that happens, and I still carry that pattern and it sucks.
Yeah, it – that was annoying.
And it’s, it’s horrible. And you know what? I, I mean, I, yeah, no, I mean, my depression really, really started going towards the end of school, like, severe depression. I felt very isolated ‘cause I felt like even my friends didn’t really like me, and I was kind of just there. Yeah.And it sucked. It really sucked.
And the depression, as I said, really started hitting towards the end of school. Like fifth, sixth grade. Well, beginning of sixth is when it really started going downhill. And by the end of sixth I was miserable. I was – I felt awful. And I was going to a new school and you know what? I, I thought, “This is a second chance for me. I’m gonna be happy.” And…I was. I fell in with a group of friends in seventh grade and I was really happy.
And then eighth grade, I find another group of friends. One of my closest friends basically just tells me, “Never want to talk to you again.”
And then ba- throughout the years I’ve cycled through, you know, people that I’ve been close to and, yeah. I’m, still get picked on at school. I mean, what you – I’ve started giving up on it, you know. Because whatever happens, happens. Like, I can’t change that. I can’t change people and what they do.
Well, and that’s, that’s the thing, um, I want –
Just do nothing, and when the teacher sees them, they’re screwed.
Well, that’s the thing is, uh. Clearly, it seems like there’s a – not really much, not much has changed in 40, 50 years.
Nope, not at all.
And I mean, it seems like schools and teachers and parents don’t really know how to handle this any better than they did when I was a kid.
So obviously, if you are being physically bullied and that’s something that you need to try to talk to your parents and the school about. And if you don’t get anywhere with that, then I would suggest you, you know, start taking some self-defense classes. Literal self-defense, where you can, you know, block attacks and things like that, because you know, you are talking about, about your health.
If it’s not physical, then what you really need to do is inoculate yourself basically. So you need to, you need to tell your parents that you would like to have therapy. You want to make sure that the – what you’re hearing from other people – that you don’t start internalizing it. So that means –
Don’t do what I did.
Yeah. So that means, especially if you have depression, then it’s more likely you’ll internalize it. So you turn it in on yourself and basically you start believing what they’re saying about you. You start believing you’re worthless and you know, you’re weird and you start believing a lot of things they say.
And so therapy, especially the Cognitive Behavioral Therapy, will help you to deflect or turn around those thoughts so that you, you don’t start, you know, really believing it and you know, ‘cause that’s, that’s what can – you know, you could either trigger depression or exacerbate depression. Um, so you want to basically inoculate yourself.
Um, also, if you are a complete loner like I was? Start making friends, even if you feel like you don’t need friends, because –
That’s easier said than done, but it’s still worth a try.
Oh yeah. It’s easier said than done. But the thing is that, that you can always find something in common with people and you know especially if you do things like, you know, you join clubs at school, or, or you know the Scouts or some other, um. Lawrence just joined the Boy Scouts.
A little late.
Or some other – better late than never. Or some, you know, some other ways to meet people. And then you’re more likely to have people, you know – or you – people are less likely to pick on you. When you’re a loner, it’s much easier to pick on you.
So, those are our suggestions, and we’d like to hear from you, if you want to leave some comments about your experience or suggestions on what people can do, because this is a really tough subject. No one has found a perfect way to handle this and we’ve obviously got a long way to go on it.
And, uh, that’s it. See you next time