Popularity: What is it and do you need it? For kids and teens (video)

Everyone wants to be popular, but what is popularity? What does it mean to be popular? How does the concept of popularity change as you get older? Is it a good thing to be popular? And how do you become more popular in school?

Transcript

Hi, I’m Deborah.

And I’m Lawrence.

And today kind of is a follow-up to the video we did on bullying and depression. We’re going to talk about popularity, because that’s something that’s important it’s – pretty much to everyone.

All the small children in school that want to be popular, that want to be at this top of the social hierarchy.

Well, not just the small children; but the bigger children too.

Everyone’s small to me.

That’s true. But I was reading an article and it said – now I never noticed this, but again, I’m an introvert – that people, even when people get, you know, started in the workplace and everything, you still want to be popular. That might have to do with getting raises and stuff like that. So, but anyway…

Us humans seem to have a need, or a, like a primal instinct to be at the top of the hierarchy of cool, of how cool you are.

Well, when you talk about primal need that might actually have been from back in the cave man days when if you weren’t popular you were kicked out of the cave and –

Yeah.

– you got to be dinner for something walking by –

Exactly.

-or froze to death.

Exactly.

So we were talking a little bit about, uh, in our video about bullying and depression about how neither – you know. both Lawrence and I were bullied and neither one of us were popular in grammar school – elementary school. And I didn’t really care that much. I just wanted the bullies to leave me alone. But, in Lawrence being more outgoing and not an introvert, cared a little more.

Yup.

So, especially if you are suffering from depression, especially if you’re being bullied, it might matter to you more whether you’re popular or not. I think that when you’re being bullied, being popular is kind of like a shield against being bullied. You know, you’re less likely to be picked on if you are popular.

Yeah.

And the question everyone always asks is, “How can I be popular?” So –

Well, if you follow the example of the kids in my school, be a terrible human.

Well, so there were a couple of interesting articles I read. One was that they did a study and it turns out that kids who are more aggressive and relationally aggressive – which means teasing people, gossiping about people, saying mean things about them – are perceived to be more popular, which is really strange.

That’s stupid.

But, but aren’t liked. So there’s a difference between being popular and being well-liked.

There’s status and likeability.

Yeah.

Likeability – this hand was likeability. Likeability is like, you know, being a good person, being kind, being caring, being a good friend. And status – is how would you define status?

Well, status is, you know, basically being admired for something that you have, not something you are.

Yeah, like material possessions.

Or status in you’re head, head cheerleader or –

You know, the best athlete in something.

I mean –

So that’s something that you have. It’s not something that you are, as in what kind of person you are.

In this day and age, I think – I don’t understand why, cause it’s stupid, but someone wearing Gucci slides is gonna be more popular than somebody wearing just some NIke –

Well, there’s popular and there’s cool. It gets very complicated.

Their status is gonna be higher than someone wearing like, Nike tennis shoes.

Right however –

Just because the price of the item apparently is perceived – the higher the price, apparently that’s perceived as being rich and cool and, you know, a rad dude.

Well again, those people aren’t liked and they aren’t necessarily popular. The thing is, is that you don’t – and this also is borne out by studies and stuff – you don’t want to be popular or cool for something that has nothing to do with you. So you don’t want to try to buy people’s you know –

Friendship?

Friendship. You don’t want to be, you know, popular just because you have –

Expensive clothing?

Expensive clothing. Because the thing is, is that it’s not something that’s gonna last. And you’ll still have people talking about you behind your back and stuff like that if they don’t like you. So anyway, this article that, that we both read said that in elementary school kids tend to be popular because – who are nice –

Yeah.

Who are well liked.

Likeability is valued more.

Yeah. And then when you get in the middle school things start – people don’t know exactly where they are and things start changing. So, I think that’s where this other thing came in that the kids who are aggressive – you know, you – so you start dividing into the kids – you know, there are still the kids who are well-liked, but then there are the kids who are “popular,” you know, they have status, they’re, you know, a good athlete or you know, they have, you know parents who have a lot of money or they’re good-looking.

I mean, sometimes we don’t really know why they’re popular and but the thing is, is,that while the rest of us who are not in that – it’s kind of like Mount Olympus, you know, level – we might look at it and envy it, but it turns out that those kids aren’t actually necessarily liked. They may be popular and admired for what they can do. So like a skill, like athlete, head cheerleader, whatever. But they’re not necessarily liked, even within their own group.

So, so in middle school and then in high school you’re gravitating more toward that status type of popularity. And what happens – I know this isn’t necessarily a comfort when you’re, when you’re miserable in, you know, high school or middle school – but that doesn’t last. You go out in the world and these kids who were really popular in their town and in their school – they go to college or they go get a job or whatever and that’s gone.

And they’re screwed.

No one – especially had a large university – no one cares that they were considered, you know, whatever –

Cool.

The best athlete or cool. It’s still – you know, even in college, you know, the really top athletes – first of all, you like, almost never see them because they’re, they’re really busy – but people – it’s just not as important to people.

So I mean, basically – I know it’s – it still sounds like those things where adults tell you, “Oh, it’s really not important to be popular – but, just so you know, it’s, it’s just because someone’s popular doesn’t mean they’re necessarily happy and doesn’t mean that they’re liked.

So what can you do if you want to be more popular? So there, there are a couple of good articles that I’m gonna link to below that, that I thought they were great. It’s actually this website that’s all about popularity. And so there were certain things that they said.

First of all, one thing you can do is, is be nice, okay? So, be interested in people, listen to people, you know, there, there’s, I mean I don’t want to encapsulate the whole article because it’s, it’s pretty long, about the different ways you can do it.

But so, don’t aim for that “popular status” popularity. Because first of all, you’re not gonna get it, okay? Because it’s just one of those things that just happens, do you know what I mean? I mean, we don’t know why it happens, but it just happens, and you either are or you aren’t.

But like we said, it doesn’t last, it’s not really worth it. What’s worth it is, is going for the well-liked label. And one thing that’s very important is, you can’t do this in a fake way, okay?

Yeah.

You, you can’t –

You have to be genuine about what you say to people.

Yeah, you have to be genuine. Because people have pretty good BS detectors, and you don’t want to – you also don’t want to have that desperate need to be liked, because that also – it’s like it puts people off like, I don’t know, like you smell

I mean it – somehow people can almost smell it – when someone is like, desperate to be liked. But the kids who like, don’t seem to care a lot of the time about whether anyone likes them or not – that like, kind of perversely everyone really wants, you know everyone thinks they’re really cool.

Yeah.

And does want, you know, want to be friends with? You know, let’s say you’re someone who’s like I was, and, and like Lawrence was at one point, and you you don’t really have friends, okay? So, I mean honestly, for me it changed when I like, literally just, in middle school – I knew one girl, kind of, from a class, and I just kind of got up my courage and went over at lunchtime – went over and said, “Can I sit with you?”

And what I did is, I didn’t try to make myself liked. I listened to them, like – so, for a few lunches I just listened. And I listened actively. You know, I nodded, I maybe would say something that sh- or you know, or my expression would show that I, that I was listening to what they were saying. When something was happy, sad, you know, someone had been a jerk to them, you know, shake your head or whatever.

Actively listening. Don’t, you know, in other words,don’t be, be listening, but like, you’re really thinking about what you’re gonna say. Don’t do that. There’s nothing wrong with not saying anything and actively listening. People really actually like that.

So that’s, that’s one thing you do, is just break into a group of people that you, kind of know, if possible. Another way you can do this is by an activity or club or something. You have to have activities that you do with people at school, okay? Or you’re, you’re not going to get anywhere.
Because you have to be able to get to know people outside the classes, okay? That’s a really – don’t you think that’s a good way to get to know people? And then when you’re doing a club or something you also have a shared interest so you don’t have to wonder what you’re gonna talk about.

Yeah.

Right? I mean, so, like, you know, for instance, you did the music club.

Yeah.

Well, you know, so, I mean, if they weren’t actively playing music, I mean, they knew what to talk about. They knew this person, these people I’m sitting with like music. This guy plays a guitar; I play a guitar. You know? So, so, you have something in common.

You also were in the STEM thing, you did the year, Yearbook Club.

So volunteer, especially for things like that. They’re always looking for someone like Yearbook, the school newspaper. Sometimes the school newspaper is very elitist and cliquey, so that might not be it, depends. But sometimes they are like, desperately looking for people to take photographs. Things – you know, there are skills you can always build up, like taking photos. You know, that’s one of those things that’s always hard to get someone to do, you know?

So, you know, build up the skills that people need, okay? You’re not born knowing skills, so you can always, you can always obtain skills. You can always teach yourself something. Make yourself more valuable, okay? Learn how to do something that other people can’t do. Learn how to fix cars, right, okay? Everyone’s gonna love you. If someone’s saying how their, their car broke down or this isn’t working, their parents won’t fix it, you know won’t pay for it to be fixed. And you can say, “Hey, you know, if, if you feed me, I’ll come over and fix your car.”

I mean, don’t, you know, don’t, don’t just say, “I don’t have anything to offer,” okay? You can always teach yourself things, right?

So, so, again, you have to – these, these efforts have to be genuine, because people see through them and you – don’t pretend you’re someone you’re not, okay? Because you – it’s, it’s, not gonna work, okay? Even if you succeed in it, you’re gonna be miserable. So don’t, don’t pretend, don’t, don’t, try to get people to like someone who’s not the real you.

As cliche as it is, be yourself.

Yeah. Because you know what? I don’t care if you’re an odd person, I don’t care if you – I mean, it, take, take me. Like, in elementary school, I was – I’m still an introvert, but I was an introvert who read, didn’t play sports in a completely sports obsessed town, you know? I mean, I was an odd kid, I had ADHD, I had depression, and in middle school I gradually started making friends.

So there is hope for everyone. But now, first of all, there are things that, that, you need to think of. “Am I getting ostracized because I don’t bathe enough?” You know, this sounds funny, but are you getting ostracized because you don’t bathe enough, because you don’t care how you dress, because your clothes aren’t clean. There are some things you need to, to think about and make sure that these aren’t things that are holding you back. Personal hygiene is important. Personal grooming is important.

Don’t try to, you know, buy clothes that aren’t, you know, you, and try to be someone else but I –

Don’t obsess over buying Supreme or Gucci.

No, just, just, but just make sure that you’re doing like,the bare minimum. I know it’s harder when you’re depressed, but you know, to do these things but it’s – you need to make the effort if you want to be more popular, more well liked. You know, the good kind of popular. Be more well liked and, and, you know it, it’s, it’s not necessarily gonna prevent bullying and teasing.

But, the other thing is, I actually also found a really good article about what to say to bullies and I’ll link that below, because it was, it was pretty good.

The other thing I want to talk about is this book. This is done by someone who’s on Instagram, Tumblr and I forget what else.

Patreon.

Uh, Patreon, yeah, called The Latest Kate. And it’s an awesome book. I like, wish I could give a copy of this to everyone who has depression or anxiety, because it’s just amazing. Um, it’s affirmations, which I normally hate. I’m one of those people who just like, can’t stand affirmations.

Same here.

Yeah, neither one of us likes affirmations.

Like generic shit that somebody tells you –

Yeah. I mean –

to make you feel better. Like I – here’s the thing. I, I sometimes use those because I’m bad at communicating. But,t you know what?

Yeah, well. Oh, I thought you were gonna say something that uses – Anyway, um, the book is divided up into different sections, so that you can go to a certain section if you’re feeling a certain way.

So like, I’m feeling anxious, I’m feeling inadequate, I’m feeling down, I’m feeling overwhelmed. And then she has, she has, she – what she does is, she draws pictures of animals, some, some real and some not, and with sayings. Like this one is, you know, “It won’t be this hard forever, things will get easier again soon.”

I especially like the ones she has about anxiety. Because, especially when someone is going through an anxiety attack or has just gone through one, it – things can feel pretty overwhelming. So I think they’re awesome. Like, um, you know, the – these are really good too. “There’s no,” you know, “There’s no one perfect way. You’re doing just fine.” So I think, I – this book is just – doesn’t – isn’t it just like one of the best?

I actually really like. I actually really like it.

It’s really, really one of the best. So I recommend this to anyone who – pretty much anyone, anyone in the entire world. Because everyone has moments like that, even if they’re someone who’s not depressed or doesn’t have anxiety.

Yeah.

And they know how – everyone has those moments. But it’s just, it’s just a great book. And you should definitely start following her on Instagram and Tumblr, because she does one of these drawings – I don’t – I just start following her on Tumblr – but she does one of the drawings on Instagram like, every couple of days and they’re just great.

Anyway, so did you have anything else to say? Or just melting into a puddle.

So anyway, we hope that this has been helpful. As we said in the past, we’re focusing a lot on kids and teens with depression and anxiety because we’ve been there and even though for me it was forty, fifty years ago, depending on which phase I’m looking at, it’s, it’s still pretty vivid, some of the things that happened, you know and you really don’t totally forget them.

But I think that if you start, you know, trying to basically expand your world and, and you know, work on certain things that will, will help you, will help you get to know other people, then I think you’ll probably see a difference.

And then we’ll probably do more videos about this, you know, in the future, because I think it’s great to have some more concrete ideas rather than people just saying to you, “Oh, it’ll get better, don’t worry. Or, you know, “Once you’re in college or out in the world it won’t matter anymore,” because that seems like a really long time.

And also – also, keep in – keep watch for the next video, because it’s probably going to be another one of the rants of mine. Well, as long as nothing goes wrong, it’s going to be one of those.

What, you mean like nuclear war or something?

Okay, shut up.

Like, what, what, what could go wrong?

Yeah, nuclear war, let’s just go with that. Let’s just go with that.

Okay, so anyway, look at the links below because I think you’ll find them really helpful and I also put a link to the book and Instagram – The Latest Kate’s Instagram and Tumblr and everything. So that’s it. Please give us a like and subscribe if you feel like it or if you don’t, that’s fine too. And we always like to see comments, we love to see your comments and especially if you have any ideas on how to become more well liked and expand your circle of friends that could help someone else that would be fantastic. Okay? So we will see you next time. Bye.