3 Reasons to Find a New Therapist (video)
The therapeutic process can be enormously helpful to someone with depression, but its success is largely dependent on a positive relationship with the therapist. If you are not happy with the progress you’re making, or uncomfortable with your therapist in general, it might be time to find someone else.
In this video, we discuss three significant reasons why you might want to find a new therapist.
Transcript
Hi, I’m Deborah, and in this video we’re going to talk about three reasons that you might want to find a new therapist.
So, the first reason we’re going to talk about is the chemistry you have with your therapist.
So it’s not necessarily just how well – if you get along because, you know, that’s nice. You should get along with the person that you’re paying to help you. I don’t know. Whatever you want to call therapy.
Well they shouldn’t be a jerk.
Yeah, they shouldn’t.
Yeah.
I mean that’s kind of – it that goes without saying.
Well yeah, yeah. But people may, may not have a lot of experience with therapists and they may not realize that someone’s being a jerk when they are being a jerk.
Yeah. Can you see things working? I mean, I’m not saying get a premonition of the future but you have to be able to say, “Hey, I can bear talking to this person once, twice, however many times a week.”
Right.
And I can bear, you know, I can bear to speak to them and talk to them about my problems my – sometimes – something, some things you might not want to talk about. You have to be comfortable with them.
Right.
That’s really important. And if that chemistry is off, if you’re like, not comfortable with them, if you are not sure – if you’re generally just either not sure or you’re definitely against it I’d say that’s a situation where you should find a new therapist. That is definitely a situation because you – this is important and you’ve got to find somebody that you can work with yeah
I mean, this literally could be one of the most important relationships in your life and it’s, it’s something that sometimes you – you actually should test out a few therapists if your insurance allows you to make appointment – that they’ll pay for appointments where you’re interviewing therapists and that’s what you should do. So you should talk to your mental health insurer and see if they’ll allow you to do that. Because that’s what I did when we moved across the country and I had to get a new therapist and I made appointments with four therapists and there were, there was, there was one I was kind of eh about, there was one I ended up, you know, deciding to have as my therapist and there were two that I just absolutely – I was so glad that I did this, because one of them was just very cold, very – and it wasn’t like in psychoanalysis where they, where they don’t say anything. In psychoanalysis they basically, what they do is, they say nothing and you – they wait for you to start talking and they give you very few prompts.
That’s not what this was. This woman was just very, very cold and I couldn’t see myself talking about very, you know, obviously very intimate topics in some cases.
You gotta be sure that you can work with the person, cause, you know, that is a good thing. If you can’t do that, that ain’t too good. Cause if you get stuck with somebody you don’t like it will –
And you’ve had that experience.
Oh definitely. Jesus Christ.
You’ve had two bad ones and one good one, right?
Three? Wait, no, there was – I don’t know. I can’t remember.
Yeah, and actually this is kind of interesting when you talk about chemistry, because one of the therapists who was really bad for Lawrence was really good for his brother. So, you, you know, that’s, that’s why, you know – for instance, it’s a good it’s a good idea sometimes to get referrals for therapists by asking people you know. And you may find that you do not connect at all with someone that your friend or you know whoever referred you to the person, think, think, you know, they think this person is great, and they’ve made incredible progress.
So it’s something that you really need to, to, to spend time with this person one-on-one.
Yeah.
And the second thing, the second reason that you might want to find a new therapist is if that therapist doesn’t respect therapeutic boundaries. Therapeutic boundaries are really, really important in your relationship with the therapist. I’m going to link to an article I wrote, a pretty – a much more involved discussion of therapeutic boundaries. But they’re – you know, just setting aside the really distinct, horrible violations of therapeutic boundaries like sexual abuse, then there, there are other things that a therapist can do to, to violate therapeutic boundaries.
For instance, are they late all the time? Do they cancel on your appointment at the last minute all the time? You know, basically, do they not respect your time? Do they take non-urgent calls during your time?
Remember that, that therapists are, you know, very specific about how much time you have. They’ll, you know, they’ll cut you off at 45 or 50 minutes – whatever it is. That time during that time is yours, so if you’re gonna respect that time limit that they have, they’ve got to respect that time.
Are there financial things? So, for instance, do, do they want to either borrow money from you in some way –
Yeah, that’s –
Or have you invest, have you invest in some kind of financial you know, some kind of business of theirs or something?
That’s completely, completely out of bounds.
I could not imagine somebody doing something that’s stupid, but, you know, I guess that it happens.
Yeah, it’s happened. I mean it’s –
Like in your experience?
No, not for – not to me, but I I mean I’ve known people that it’s happened to.
Like, they’re asked like, “Hey, I’m starting a business – wanna invest?”
Well, it could be anything. I mean, you know, really, in some ways – let’s say they’ve written a book. Suggesting that you buy it –
Oh, yeah, yeah. That’s true.
Isn’t that’s – that’s in some ways violating therapeutic boundaries. After all, why are you paying them how much you’re paying in per hour? I mean, you know what I mean?
Yeah.
So, it’s like, it’s – so why should you have to in- for instance, buy their book? You’re supposed to be getting their wisdom and their skill and their experience specifically geared toward you. So, I mean, that’s something I’ve definitely heard of. So that’s, that’s a no-no.
So there, there are just various ways that they could, you know those therapeutic boundaries. One thing is that they should make a concerted effort to not have any kind of relationship with you outside the, um, the therapeutic relationship. So – this is not, not necessarily a sexual or romantic relationship. In other words, assuming that you live in a big enough town or city, they should make sure that they’re avoiding – like, you shouldn’t be in the same book club, okay?
You, you know, you shouldn’t hopefully belong to the same church. If you do, if you’re in a small town or something, they should not be engaging with you during those, you know, in those areas in those particular circumstances.
They shouldn’t be coming up to you and being like, “Hey, how are you doing?”
Right. Exactly. They should, they should talk to you and say, “I’m, you know – you have to understand that this is the way things are supposed to be. I can’t talk to you out – I really shouldn’t be talking to you any length outside our therapeutic relationship.”
And there, there are very good reasons for that.
So the third reason that you might want to find a new therapist is that your therapy just isn’t going anywhere. Now, this has a huge caveat, because first –
Isn’t it caveat? (Pronounces it differently)
Caveat. Caveat? (Pronounces it two different ways)
I think it’s either way. A huge caveat, and a couple little ones. So the little ones are – have you been participating fully in, in, the therapy?
Because therapy is a give and take.
Right.
You are – how do I explain it?
You can’t just show up and sit there.
Yeah.
Cause you’re not gonna get anywhere. If the therapist says to you, “We need to talk about this,” you can’t start talking about something else. You might do it as an avoidance tactic because you don’t want to talk about that – what they want to talk about because it’s painful, but if the therapist feels, “This is what we need to talk about,” and you’re like, “No, I really don’t want to talk about that,” you know. So you have to trust this person to know what’s – what, you know, what course this therapy should go.
And so, you, you know, you have to be fully engaged in that. If they have homework for you to do, you have to be doing that homework, whatever it is. If they tell you to write a journal of your feelings, you can’t come to the next appointment and be like, you know, “I just didn’t have time.” Well, that’s – then that’s not the therapist’s fault if the therapy isn’t going anywhere.
I’m not saying that it’s your fault, per se, but you have to take this seriously and understand that, that these things, that they’re, you know, these steps that they’re asking you to take are for a reason.
Yeah. You have to put in effort just as much as they have to put in effort.
In, in fact, more, actually. Because they’re only – they’re, they’re doing this for 45 minutes plus 10 minutes of notes that they take after you leave. You should think about spending some time during the week processing what you talked about. So it’s actually more of a time investment on your part than it is on theirs.
The thing is, is that you can’t expect a therapist to just wave a magic wand to make everything all better. This is a collaborative effort, and, and the effort is more on your part in some ways than it is on the therapist.
Because you, you gotta, you know, you gotta be open and honest about sometimes things you don’t want to talk about. You have to put in the effort to be like, “Hey, I may really not want this, but I have to.”
Yeah.
Because this is part of, you know, getting better.
Yeah, otherwise you’re just wasting their time and you’re just wasting their – your time.
Everybody’s time is getting wasted.Time and money.
And money.
The, the other two little caveats are – did you and the therapist decide on a goal? Because if you haven’t decided on a goal together for your therapy, then it’s not gonna go anywhere. You know, you have to talk to the therapist. It may not be something really concrete.
My first therapist, I really, you know, I, I went, um, to this clinic with severe depression. The doctors that started me on antidepressants and – or recommended them – I didn’t start until six months later – and the therapists worked with me. I had no idea why I was depressed. At that point we couldn’t – she had to talk to me for a while and we had to have a few sessions before she could start seeing what the issues were. So, but sometimes you do come with a goal and you’re like, “This is what’s wrong, this is what I want to work on,” you know.
And it’s good to have, like, an idea of what you want out of therapy, Because, you know, don’t go in there blindly and be like, “Hey man, I have no idea.”
Yeah, if you, if you have no experience with it, then that’s understandable.
And if you don’t know, if you are – like in your case, if you don’t know what exactly is causing your depression –
Right.
Your goal is, find out what’s causing you to be depressed, and, if possible, rectify that.
Right, and that goal is probably gonna change, um, during your therapy.
Yeah, it’s completely flexible.
Right, that’s the thing – is, is that you and the therapist should be on the same page as far as what the goal is of the therapy and you’re both working toward it.
The other, the other small caveat is – did you express your concern to your therapist about the fact that you don’t feel like you’re making any progress?
Because you can’t just stew about this –
Right.
For a while –
Right.
And then be like, I’m getting a new therapist.You have to be, you know –
They’re not mind readers.
Therapy is communication.
Yeah. Exactly.
That is like the most important – that, that, that’s what therapy is.
Yeah.
You – it’s founded on communication. You have to communicate for it to, you know, work.
Yeah.
And if you are, you know, if you are thinking,”Hey,” if you’re thinking, “Hey, I don’t think this is going anywhere,” talk to them.
Yeah. You have to.
Cause they may be like, “Hey, okay, maybe I was doing something wrong -.
Yeah.
Maybe there was fault on your part –
Yeah. And you may –
And it can be fixed, possibly.
Look at the goal again, you may look at, you know, what they feel your progress has been, what you feel your progress has been, you know, but you have, you have to communicate. As Lawrence said, that’s – communication’s key.
Is therapy.
That’s it, yeah –
Therapy is communicating.
Guided – it’s like guided communication.
So the big caveat is – are you getting freaked out because you’re getting close to something significant in therapy and significant usually means painful.
Yeah I mean you may be uncomfortable with therapy you may be like, “Hey, I want to not do this,” because of the fact – yeah, because the fact you’re close to something maybe you don’t want to talk about.
Yeah.
And the thing is, you have to. Well, you don’t *have to* have to, but it’s – I greatly recommend it
Yeah.
Because, you know, therapy is – you have to be honest about things because experiences in your life that may not have been at all pleasant are definitely important to mention and important to talk about. And it may be painful to talk about them, may be really, really hard, like you are – the case may be you can’t talk about – you, you just can’t find the words, you can’t express it, because you are just so scared or uncomfortable. And you know what? Thing is –
That’s okay, because that’s what the therapist is there to help you get through.
And if you still can’t, they should be patient, you know. They can help you –
Yeah.
Through the process of talking about it. You know what? I think it’s reasonable – you spend an entire session saying nothing cause you can’t talk about it.
Yeah.
But you know –
It might happen.
I – yeah, you know, there, there was a time where I didn’t – I really didn’t want to talk about something, so I just spent –
Yeah. It happens.
The entire session kind of just mumbling and stuttering.
It, it, but it’s better than running away. So in other words –
Yeah.
If you start dreading your therapy, it, it, it – you might be – you might tell yourself it’s because, “You know what? I’m not getting anywhere, so it’s just a waste of time.”
But you got to evaluate –
But –
Is it because you’re getting –
Are you –
To something you really don’t want to talk about?
If you look at those feelings, is it cause – like, I remember when I ran – a couple times when I got to that point, the last place I wanted to be was, was –
Was in therapy.
In therapy – because I was scared. Not because we weren’t getting anywhere. It actually was just the opposite.
So you need to look at your feelings, because I’ve known people who have said, “Oh,” – literally, I knew someone who had, like, you know, something horrible happen in her childhood told me, “You know, I’m just not gonna see this therapist anymore. I’m not getting anywhere,” but I knew from talking to her that they actually had been getting really close to talking about this, this painful, you know, circumstance.
And that’s exactly what you don’t want.
Right.
Running away because of the fact you’re close to something uncomfortable or scary. You really shouldn’t be doing that.
Because this act- because that’s actually a good thing. Because you have to, you have to face it and deal with it and get through it, but once you get through it, that’s the whole point of therapy. So you – before you decide, “This is not the person for me,” make sure you have good concrete reasons and that you’re not doing it because you’re like, “God, I said – I just don’t want to be in therapy.”
Exactly.
Not, “I could be doing better things because I’m wasting my time,” but, “I don’t want to be there.”
Yeah.
So, I think those feelings are pretty distinct when you, when you think about it, then I think you can recognize what it is.
Yeah.I mean, I felt that kind of stuff.
Because if you have, like, dread in the in the pit of your stomach at the thought of going to therapy, that’s not because things aren’t going anywhere, that’s because things are going somewhere. So –
I mean, I’ve had that experience. I’ve been like, “Hey, maybe I should just tell my mom I really don’t want to go to therapy because I’m sick or something.” Cause I, I remember one time I was talking about something that was uncomfortable for me, so I just wanted to get out of therapy that day.
Yeah. Yeah. Yeah, and –
You know what? I didn’t. And I’m fine.
Yeah. And it’s not – it’s completely understandable if you’re scared, but you can’t use it as an excuse to go –
To not go to therapy. To quit.
Because then what happens if you find a new therapist, then you have to start that whole – that whole process all over again. And if there’s nothing wrong –
You’ll eventually get to that point again.
Again. Yeah.
And you’ll, you know –
If you’re perfectly happy with this therapist, but your mind is tricking you into thinking that this is just a waste of time, or, or, you know, whatever – that’s not it. Right?
Yeah.
So we hope this video has been helpful, and we would love to see any comments you might have on this. Um, I had a page on my website – one of the first pages I had back in the 90s was “I knew I had a good, good / bad psychiatrist but also a therapist when…,” and I put some of mine – and people at that time – there were no – there’s no comments. We didn’t have, like, comments. The people would email me comments and say, “You can post this.”
So it was, like, it was unbelievable, you know, the nerve that struck.
So, you know, if you want to share, then that would be great and if you –
We’d appreciate it.
Yeah, and if you’d like to see more videos like this, about depression and anxiety and, and all aspects around mental health, please consider subscribing and also gives a like if you want or don’t if you don’t want.
And, um, we’ll see you next time.