Depression Diagnosis

What does depression feel like? You might be surprised.

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Dolce Far Niente by John William Godward

“It was not really alarming at first, since the change was subtle, but I did notice that my surroundings took on a different tone at certain times: the shadows of nightfall seemed more somber, my mornings were less buoyant, walks in the woods became less zestful, and there was a moment during my working hours in the late afternoon when a kind of panic and anxiety overtook me…” – William Styron, Darkness Visible

What does depression feel like? Probably not what you think. Most people think of clinical depression as just being sad, but there are actually many more depression symptoms (including physical symptoms), and you probably haven’t heard of a lot of them before.

Depression is much more than just feeling sad, and it’s different for everyone. Because of this, recognizing depression can be difficult, and depression often goes undiagnosed.

Here are some ways that depression might make you feel.

    • Things just seem “off” or “wrong.”
    • You don’t feel hopeful or happy about anything in your life.
    • You’re crying a lot for no apparent reason, either at nothing, or something that normally would be insignificant.
    • You feel like you’re moving (and thinking) in slow motion.
    • Getting up in the morning requires a lot of effort.
    • Carrying on a normal conversation is a struggle. You can’t seem to express yourself.
    • You’re having trouble making simple decisions.
    • Your friends and family really irritate you.
    • You’re not sure if you still love your spouse/significant other.
    • Smiling feels stiff and awkward. It’s like your smiling muscles are frozen.
    • It seems like there’s a glass wall between you and the rest of the world.
    • You’re forgetful, and it’s very difficult to concentrate on anything.
    • You’re anxious and worried a lot.
    • Everything seems hopeless.
    • You feel like you can’t do anything right.
    • You have recurring thoughts of death and/or suicidal impulses. Suicide seems like a welcome relief.
    • You have a feeling of impending doom – you think something bad is going to happen, although you may not be sure what, and/or…
    • …You have a very specific fear that torments you constantly.
    • In your perception of the world around you, it’s always cloudy. Even on sunny days, it seems cloudy and gray.
    • You feel as though you’re drowning or suffocating.
    • You’re agitated, jumpy and anxious much of the time.
    • Your senses seem dulled; food tastes bland and uninteresting, music doesn’t seem to affect you, you don’t bother smelling flowers anymore.
    • Incessantly and uncontrollably into your mind comes the memory of every failure, every bad or uncomfortable experience, interview or date, like a torrent of negativity.

     

    You may also be interested in:

    How Does Depression Affect Your Life?
    What is Depression (and What is it Not)?
    Reflections on Depression
    You Can’t Fight Depression on Your Own
    My Experience with Depression

    Describing Depression to those Who’ve Never Had It

    Please feel free to post your comment about what depression feels like. Please do not post:

    • Questions about depression and how to handle it. Go here for that.
    • Comments on how you think it should be managed, including finding God.
    • Requests for other people to email you.

    Also, please do not include “triggers” in your comment. In other words, do not include specifics of self-harm or suicidal plans, as this might trigger someone reading your comment.

    Please note that comments are moderated – if you post a comment, it will not show up until it is approved, and this can take a few days. Also, please note that I reserve the right to edit comments, in terms of removing anything that I feel is inappropriate. Don’t bother to give me grief about freedom of speech – this is a privately funded and managed website.

    I apologize for the long load time and all comments being on one page. I have not been able to find a solution that works in WordPress (but I haven’t given up yet).

    Archived comments in response to this article can be found here.

2,295 Comments

  • jessica rose

    I have a mess of a story that is so long and so many little crappy things that have happened to me since i have allowed my husband in to my life, that if i told it all i would sound like a “sensetive drama queen”. To try to sum this up, I am married to a covert narcissist and have a 9 year old autistic daughter. I am a stay at home mom. Muscle tension 24 hours a day 365 days a year. I SANK in to the worst depression ever when i put my daughter in Kindergarten because that meant facing the autism head on. And facing the autism is something that even now, i am not willing to do. I cried every day for about 2 years. Then cried a couple times a week for another year. Now its 5 or 6 times a month. I am more numb nowadays. I figured out the hubs is a covert narc because we had a really bad time around christmas. My daughter had been melting down more than usual for the whole year that year. It was bedtime and i was trying as hard as i could to keep her happy just until the lights went out so we could just get to bed, it would all be ok. But the hubs flipped out and really showed his arse. It was BAD. Something inside me broke. I dissociated. I was gone for 3 days. Then i slowly came out of this but it was SLOW. It took me 2 and a half months to get to what was now my new normal. I never got myself back. I was questioning WHY i would dissociate. That is how i figured out hes a covert narc. Taking all the covert narc abuse for 11 years, and dealing with the autism from my daughter is very similar to more mental abuse. I know she doesnt MEAN to abuse me. I know that is not what is happening. But it feels like mental torment dealing with the autism. So, here i am. depressed. I feel like i am living in a groundhog day of absolute crap. Every day. repeat the crap. every day. repeat it again. every day. It never improves. It never improves. I feel like my skin is suffocating from the inability to breathe hope. As if hope is only breathed thru the skin, but my skin isnt functioning properly. There is NO hope. I have nothing to look forward to but what ever my next nightmare that comes true is. All that is next is another nightmare come to life. Thats all that i have gotten ever since i allowed this man in to my life. All of my worst nightmares manifested.

    • Veronica Drew

      Hi Jessica. I am sorry to read that you’re feeling trapped and piled on from all sides of your family. I’ve dated at least one *real-live-madman* narcissist and worked for another. The gaslighting, demands, contempt, threats, and smear campaigns were Lifetime movie-worthy experiences, I kid you not. In addition, I spent many years living with someone whose teens is (probably) on the spectrum – hard to know for sure as there were many labels tossed around over the years. Point being, WOW – the tween / then teen was hard to manage, center stage in all situations. Extreme mood swings and violent (broke bones then bitched when recovering parent unavailable for rides to mall) verbally abusive to and contemptuous of authority (including police) from 10, arrogant / insecure, etc and on and on.

      I’m here for scary depression too, but in a totally different life place than you. Your post touched me because you sound so hopeless. So I will ask the obvious and hope you don’t think I am judging or being simplistic – why do you stay? Is it financial? Threats from the husband if you do? Running in place from being overwhelmed by the personalities and stress?

      I am not going to throw out suggestions that sound good but are nothing new and are totally obvious. (There’s help! Etc etc). But I am really curious what it is that keeps you there because it makes me sad to read a young woman’s story who seems in quicksand from abuse (intended or otherwise) by others.

  • anonymous.

    hi, i’m fourteen. i’m not sure when i started feeling numb, but please take me seriously. earlier in 2020, my cousin made me stop being friends with her boyfriend. i was only friends with him because i was in marching band with him. i stopped being friends with him because i truly do love my cousin. my whole family sided against me that day. they all looked at me as if i was different. the next month, i lost another friendship. i’m used to being replaced and losing friendships, but that’s exactly why i felt so guilty leaving that friendship. eventually, things kept getting worse. i cried every night for a long time. then in september, i lost another friendship. at that point, i felt like i was to blame. like i’m in the wrong. i decided to go through old pictures and old texts, when i came across one that made me cry for months. it said “no one stays with a friend like you.” it really hurt because they’re right. i feel like i’m constantly ignored by my family and my friends. i feel like, eventually, everyone will leave me. i’ve been having many panic attacks recently. i’m not sure if i’m to blame. if i dragged myself into this, but i’m really tired. someone my age shouldn’t be so sad. i feel lost and numb. i can’t cry anymore. i’m too tired to. just when i thought things were getting better, it all came crumbling down. i feel like everything i do and say is a waste of time. i just want someone to come into my life and not leave. but i guess some things just can’t happen. thank you for listening. i hope whoever’s reading this takes me seriously.

  • Victor

    I have been depressed for over a year now and i have had 27 suicide attempts. i feel like i never do anything right and like everyday is the worst. i feel all alone even when with people. I feel like a misfit and like just fading away into the shadows and never coming back. when people talk to me i feel like they are just yelling at me for everything wrong i’v done. i have never been truly happy. i wear a fake smile everywhere i go just to mask my true feelings. i cry most nights and can’t sleep due to the stress of school and my mother yelling at me for things in the past and for every tiny, little thing that i did wrong. If my grades are down she yells at me. If i cleaned to the best of my sight but not to the best of her sight she just yells at me. I feel like no one is happy with me. I just want to be help by strong loving arms that actually care about me. My father would smack me in the head or punch me when i did something wrong as a little kid. Now i am a teen and them yelling at me and telling me what is wrong with me hurts more. I am not allowed to see any of my friends or go on any trips. I have to stay home and work all the time. I cry and cry hoping that one day i will be free but it doesn’t seem to be anyday near. i have rage and sadness stirring inside my soul waiting to be let out. I don’t know how to let them out. I break things and i run and i do everything that used to be relieving. None of it works now. I can’t even take a decent shower without crying and then just falling on my knees begging to die.

    • Anonymous

      Hi Victor,

      I am so sorry that you have to deal with this. It is definitely distressing and it is very understandable that you feel that way. You have probably heard this, but it is very important : there is hope. Please hold on, please call crises lines if you consider ending it again. Can you call your friends? Do you have internet access? You could talk to someone like a therapist online. I pray for the best for you, and even if you feel worthless or like a failure, know that you are not. You do have value, you do not do everything wrong and you are important here.

    • Anonymous

      It may get easier as you get older.
      You will have the trauma of this time.

      I have trauma following me like an insipid dark shadow.

      We are making the same mistakes as your parents with you.
      We yell at our teenage daughter when she doesn’t do what she is supposed to.
      We don’t like doing it , however when we ask her not to touch her phone until her chores are done , she still does!
      This causes much angst in our family as instead of getting her jobs done she drags them out by still getting on her phone.
      We have asked her for weeks not to do this .
      Now both my partner and I are slipping into depression from this and other things she lets us down on.
      We are tired

    • Patrick

      Have you tried listening to Joy Division? It’s kind of a cathartic release, reminds me that I’m not alone and that others feel the same way and all that s**t about giving it a day or a day at a time, there is some truth to that. Life is hard and sometimes I don’t know how I make it through the day or even manage to get up in the morning. Peace to you though my stranger my friend.

  • Emma

    After reading the comments here, I wanted to add my own. I’m 16 and I feel completely empty. I can’t remember when it began, but it got worse over time. No matter what I do, it just never fills the void. I tend to escape the real world as much as I can, but at the end of the day it’s never enough. I feel as if my friends don’t like me anymore and I’m still stuck on the relationship I had with my ex, even though I know I only got used in the end. I feel like I’m supposed to enjoy these years, but I simply can’t and it’s like I’m wasting my life away. I’ve been having trouble with concentrating on school, and I find myself doubting whether the career path I chose for myself is actually something I’m capable of doing in life. I’ve never been diagnosed and my parents are against it. I’ve tried to talk to my mom several times about how I feel, mostly when i was younger, but she just doesn’t seem to care about it. She thinks it’s something that everybody goes through their life at an age like this. Because of that, I have a bad relationship with my mom. She sometimes beats me up, and she’s overly obsessive and controlling and doesn’t let me do anything pretty much. I just want to feel something again and I’m really sick of living here. The only thing that keeps me alive is the thought of moving out, even though I’m unsure on how to do it and when to do it.

  • Chell

    For context, I have been managing life with recurring episodes of major depression since I was a child. Each episode is different in intensity. I want to get across the experience of my worst episode, in case anyone can relate. I want to also try to explain for people who haven’t experienced it, but I don’t believe anyone can understand to a great extent unless they have been through it themselves. Clinical depression does not always have a trigger, it can catch you off guard in an instant. It can happen at any age, I was 22 at the time of my worst experience.

    -It started off as feeling tired and uninterested in any of my normal activities
    -I was losing more and more energy as time passed
    -I became emotionally numb, just staring at the wall for hours
    -No one could help me, nothing said could change what was happening
    -I was barely aware of anything happening around me
    -I wanted to cry, but I was too tired. I wished I could cry.
    -Nothing matters and nothing mattered, the future is pointless
    -I can’t remember what it is like to be anything other than numb
    -No need was great enough to pull me off the ground
    -I slept and I slept and I stared at nothing
    -No sense of time, I honestly cannot remember how long this period lasted
    -My energy slowly returned
    -The first feelings that started to pull me back to reality was Hate and Anger, it had no direction
    -I was suffocating from an unbearable sadness, I cried hard and loud for a long time.
    -I told my brother I did not want to be alone.

    Getting back to a normal routine was slow, but my life did return. After experiencing this episode, I told people I would not wish it on my greatest enemy. For a while, I lived in fear of a recurrence of an episode that extreme. I appreciated everything and everyone in life so much more. I know everyone is always on about having your friends and family to help you. The reality is that there are those of us who don’t have anyone or feel as if they cannot reach out to anyone. I was alone, but I made it through. I know this blog doesn’t want certain things said, but this needs to be pointed out. Hotlines are not always going to be an option when someone is going through this experience. All I want to say is to the people who are alone in this journey, you are strong and time heals. The moment you are able to fight past it’s hold, call for help to anyone and everyone.

    I only wish someone online could have written something like this at the time. That it would pass and that I was strong enough to survive. The advice I found at the time didn’t understand that I was incapable of seeking out help by talking to someone, my rattled and fogged mind held me hostage. I remember emailing one of those online help places and essentially told them that they are useless. It doesn’t make sense, but depression does crazy things to your judgement. I had no access to counseling or any professional service after the fact. I had no insurance, far too few family members who cared, and I was too naive to even know how to start searching for professional help. I was even ridiculed when years later I did seek professional help and was bullied into stopping. Delete this post if you want, but I made it through by myself, and I believe people should know they are strong too.

    • Tristan

      hey, im Tristan and im 16 years old,and for like 4 years now i been depressed.Over time,the reasons to cry have been different, from my favorite characters from my favorite show not existing,to knowing that our life is like a ticking clock thats about to run out batteries,and when those batteries die that resembles us dying and i dont want to die. and its kind of hard to smile when i have a disease that prevents me from walking and which hasnt been cured yet…….for 16 years and counting I acutally tried to end my life to end all this pain but then my whole family would be sad that i did and school really doesnt help me at all either

  • C

    Looking thru these post most have real issues. The most prevalent “I”.
    means self focused. As in, I can’t. This in its self means they can.
    (They are looking for help and dealing with it).
    Now imagine past that point where, you give up on self worth and live life
    expecting pending doom every day.
    Yet, life goes on and each day you survive and smile, only to lay your head on the pillow and think.
    Perhaps tomorrow it will come.

    Recovering from depression, doesn’t mean you over came it.
    It means you learnt to live with it.
    As for the “I’s” I’m so jealous your so self centered.

  • Jess

    42; been clinically depressed since trying medication in 2010 after being “accused” of depression every time I would voice feelings of sadness my entire life.

    It’s honestly a relief. I don’t care about anything any more. It’s all just dead.

  • Anonymous

    Hi there, I am 30 years old and i think i am having a midlife crisis at this age. I don’t know why i always feel so stuffy these days and i cry for simple reason example when i asked my friend for lunch and he rejected me because he is busy. Is it normal for me to feel that? I having a routine running every evening and come back home lying in bed crying after that without valid reason.I feel i am so worthless and nothing in my life is good. I got a secure job and living fine,but idk why i am still feel so empty and so lonely although i got a lot of friends that i can hang out together.still,i will feel empty inside,like nothing is making me happy anymore.

  • Anonymous

    hi, 16 year old with depression here. every day of my life after i realized i was gonna die, i wake up. wonder where i am, then realize im still in existance. a hopeless meaningless existance that will one day come to an end, and the knowledge that i cant do anything about it hits me harder and harder every day. i no longer enjoy the things i used to enjoy.all i wanted to do was sleep untll i died. i couldnt think straight. everything just didnt fit anymore, i felt so miniscule and helpless against a tidal wave of doom. i would just lay in my room, thinking, and boy did i hate my thoughts. i couldnt think of anyone or anything without thinking about how one day i wont get to see or experiance it again.

    ive come to terms with this. but it doesnt make it any better

  • the clouds

    Hi, I’m a high school student. I have a good family, though my parents are divorced. To me sadly depression was something I just lived with like it was part of my daily ritual in life. I just kinda ignored until it became so bad I would just disappear from the world sometimes. Maybe for two days or two months, I would just vanish from my friends and family’s daily life. The pandemic made it really easy but only did I know I was growing deeper and deeper into my depression. I had dealt with many suicide attempts since the 6th grade, so much I thought I was doing it for attention. Though my family never knew about any until when I finally broke. I broke down in the second week of school, and since it was online it was really easy to miss class. I stopped going to classes for two weeks, lying to my parent every single day saying I was in a class…truthfully I wanted to kill myself the first week but I kept pushing it back every day, to two weeks. Then when my mom finally noticed she got me a therapist again. Honestly, I don’t remember why I was sad that week and now I just feel like I’m sinking in the hole again. Or falling off a building waiting to hit the ground at one point in my life when I finally just leave the world, which I call my peace. no worries or stresses in life. No college, no social anxiety, no paranoia, and just plain sadness. Now all I can think of do I deserve to be unhappy when people actually know why they’re sad in life. WHY IS IT SO HARD TO TALK ABOUT MY FEELINGS TO MY PARENTS…why can’t I just get over this funk. Am I going to live with this sadness for the rest of my life? Stuck not going to my friend’s party because I’m scared of talking to the people she invited, now I’m getting more confused about my sadness as I grow older. why can’t emotions be straightforward?

  • Her

    Depression to me is when nothing is wrong around me but everything inside feels hopeless and a wreck. No money problems, no family problems but inside is a wreck. Things that once brought you joy no longer seemed fun. Concentrating was so hard and almost impossible. And you try a lot of things to make yourself better but everything is futile.

    Been battling with depression for more than 2 years and it’s just recently that I finally sought for help. I used to think perhaps it’s just because of the how ‘depression’ became trendy online these past few years but then again everything around me is fine. It started right after I graduated college and worsened when I moved cities to attend med school. And it’s not like I was seeking for attention because I told no one. No one knew. I never posted it online. In fact, this is my first time. No one knew that during classes, I was shaking so bad. No one knew that during classes, I was crying silently and wiping my tears on the left side most of the room. No one knew how anxious I was. No one knew that I found it hard to eat lunch with people around that’s why I chose to go to a further cafeteria from my class. No one knew I found it hard to talk and make friends that’s why I go to class late and go home right after. No one knew that I found it hard to forcefully smile. No one knew how miserable I am. And it doesn’t bother me that no one knew. I succumbed to myself and won’t let anyone in. One mentoring session with a doctor along with my groupmates, they were teasing me and I suddenly cried and I asked the doctor then how to stop the tremors and that was the start of me seeking consult. however, it took me another year to go back to seek consult because I was scared and thought, it’s just a phase that I can get over with. But a year later, I was still miserable. The pandemic was hard because I had a lot of suicidal thoughts when I was alone in my dorm room. I got scared that I might do the deed so I really tried to go back home when lockdowns were over. And now, I’m really trying my best to heal.

    And until now, barely anyone knew.

    • Any

      I feel the same way at times especially since I lost my brother to suicide 3 years ago. I feel locked up inside and I’m trying to take care of my family who are struggling to function . The pain I felt when my brother died is something I wish on no one. That’s what helps me realize that things will get better and I can get through this. Just wanted to let you know that you aren’t alone ❤️

    • MJ

      I am a college student pursuing a bachelor’s. I have a loving family. I have a boyfriend who has cheated on me not once, but twice. However, I chose to believe people can change and took him back after both times. I have great friends who would always be there for me when I need something. Despite all these great things, I would often fall into a black hole of sadness for no reason. I’m currently on FaceTime with my boyfriend, crying while I write this comment, & he doesn’t even know. He’s asked any times tonight if I’m okay ‘cause I’ve barely talked to him at all, and for all those times, I’ve lied with a smile and told him that I’m fine. Since last night, I suddenly felt like something’s wrong, and like something will happen to me. Since then, I’ve been quiet & often find myself crying out of the blue. Only for a short time today, my friend and I went to run some errands and I had to fake a smile and some laughs. I can’t talk to my boyfriend about it because I feel like I’m annoying him with my stupid problems. I can’t open up to my friends because I don’t want their pity and because I know they have a lot on their plate. I can’t talk to family about it because to then, depression isn’t a thing. It’s just a mindset and you can get over it. In all, I don’t really have anyone to talk to about it. My homeland is facing a dark time right now because in the past month or so, we’ve had a string of suicides amongst our youth, and it really saddens me knowing that my generation back home is losing the war to depression. But at times, I find myself wanting to “escape.” I honestly don’t know how much longer I can fake a smile & force a laugh. I don’t know how many more times I can tell my boyfriend & friends that I’m okay when really, I’m dying inside & screaming for help but nobody can hear me. I don’t how much longer I can hold on to my own life right now. I think the only time I feel at peace is when I go to church on Sundays. But that’s just a day in the week. For all the other days, I have to live thru absolute horror trying to fight to live another day. If I was able to give my life to a dying person who really wants to live, I would! All the people in my life don’t realize when I’m at my lowest, and I’m totally okay with that. I wouldn’t want to waste their time trying to help me with something others have tried and failed. Depression is a serious & fatal disease and most likely, you will have to live with it for the rest of your life. For other things, like a breakup or death, you can grieve and hurt for a while then move on entirely. With depression, you have to learn how to live through it and hope to make it to another day. Personally, I just want to give up, but for the sake of the people I love, I am holding on.

    • Lena

      it’s so hard for me to describe what depression feels like. I think it’s the moments where I catch myself thinking “when was the last time I was happy?” or when the days start to blur together into one infinitely boring moment. It’s the moments where I get in my room and realize I was so snappy to my friends and family. time is definitely the most annoying thing, everything take took long. It’s when I start to not take any decision seriously because what the point of anything anymore. It’s the time where I keep skipping songs half way through because it is making me angry for some reason. Nostalgia makes me mad, comedy makes me mad, being in the moment makes me mad. It when I realize that I’ve been disassociating every day because my body doesn’t feel like my own, because my body doesn’t feel like my own.

    • Anonymous

      today i was walking back to class from the bathroom and it just hit me: why am i here? my life feels empty and i feel isolated from my family and friends. things seem very pointless and i cant do tasks if i think too much about it. it feels weird putting so much value and energy into existing, its not a big deal whether im here or not. i dont feel real. i feel disconnected from everyone else like i have another world in my head. sorry for the scattered thoughts i have a lot of feelings and most of them conflict. i liked this article and i like reading the comments, i feel validated and i hope whoever is reading this feels validated too.

      • Louisa

        I have not been officially diagnosed and am unsure if what I am feeling (or not feeling) is depression and if it matters whether it has been triggered by anything, like this isolating pandemic lifestyle my loveless marriage. But in a nutshell, and increasingly with each passing day, I feel nothingness; an empty void and shell of a human who is not experiencing life, no longer cares about or has any interests, and is just going through the motions – getting up, getting ready, eating, working, sleeping, repeat.

        I am no longer efficient at work. Things that used to take me no time at all now take me an inordinate amount of time to complete, and the hours pass me by. I have no concept of time or what it was that I was doing for hours on end that caused me to delay in completing the task at hand.

        In my mind, I’m not sad or experiencing any pain, as I just feel indifferent, like a zombie. But I must not realize my own feelings because as soon as I see or hear something remotely emotional or touching, it triggers something in me and I’m suddenly crying.

        I feel no happiness or like I have anything to look forward to. The only exception to all of this is my son, for whom I feel immense love and express and give all my love to. Still, I feel an overwhelming sense of emptiness within myself that I apparently can’t hide. Someone asked me today what was wrong and why I looked so sad. I didn’t realize my facial expressions or that I was giving off any sadness. I quickly made something up and have only just realized that something is very wrong and “off” with me. I just don’t know what or why.

  • Audrey

    I feel like I’ve been here before and I should have learned how to pull myself out of it. I am very aware that the repeating loop in my head for some time now has been “I can’t do anything right.” Then I’m making stupid errors at work and I think that I’ve created a self fulfilling prophecy with the negative stuff in my head. There is also the feeling of being on the verge of tears all the time. When things are good and I get that feeling, I can watch a great tear jerker movie and have the release I need. I know I’m in a bad place when that doesn’t work. I am really trying to concentrate on accomplishing at least two important priority tasks each day. It’s kind of my “put one foot in front of the other” moto from the old Santa Clause Claymation movie. And it does actually help to hear the comments of other people who are struggling through. My next secret weapon is music. I can get a boost from listening to good music.

  • Anon

    I don’t like to self diagnose since that stigma is what glorifies depression. It’s not some trend, but I really think I have it. I’m 17 and everything I’ve felt and experienced has been invalidated for so long that I see now that we never will have a purpose. I’ve been treated like an object my whole life that has no brains and amounts to nothing and I can see now that no matter what we do we’ll just end up on the same plains. I don’t know about religion and all that but even if there’s some heaven or reincarnation or just nothing on the other side, I can just see now that no matter what work we put into the world we’ll all be the same. No fancy parting gift as you pass away and praise that you’ve done something just death. Just nothing. I’ve been worthless in the eyes of my parents and called a failure more times than I can count and all I’ve brought to the table is disappointment since I haven’t felt any motivation to do anything in the past 3 years. I was villainized when I was a victim and I fell into this rabbit hole where all I see now is our true meaning which is nothing. We’re just peons from one planet floating in space that will someday become inhabitable and we’ll be dead. Celebrities to homeless people: We’re all the same. We’re all nothing in the end and that’s how I see it. I don’t see a point in getting a degree and I don’t see a point in pushing myself to climb the ranks in something that won’t get me anywhere in the end. There’s nothing in my eyes but a life that’s made out to be happy and fun as long as you have money and time, but the truth is that we’re forever going to amount to nothing in this world and we won’t have meaning in years to come. We’ll all be forgotten and time will keep moving, and soon we’re just dust. I don’t see a purpose at all now, and this is the only place I could find that has people speaking the ways I feel.

    • CJ

      I struggled with similar thoughts a few years back. Yes, eventually the sun will burn the earth and everyone and thing that has ever lived here on this earth will be gone forever. If you were to take a freeze frame 1 billion years ago and another 1 billion years in the future, you’d never knew humans were even here. However, I brought this up with my friend: “what’s the point if we’re not going to remember anything after we die? All of this is for nothing.” He said “ok, but if your life went on forever, is that what would give it meaning?” This made me think, because if I could live for 8 trillion years, I could still apply the same logic that eventually I will be dead and not remember anything. It was then I realized that the way I could think about it is: if given the choice between being dead forever and never living at all, or living for a while and then going back to being dead and not remember any of it, I’d choose to be alive for that brief time. If you can focus on what simple small things you enjoy in life, even if we all die and none of us will remember anything, at least that experience happened. To me, that’s what it means for something to “matter”, that it happened at all.

    • nunnya

      For me depression has depths. Right now I am feeling melancholic. Like numb. I cry about little things that aren’t really sad and some that are but I have 0 emotional ability to process my own life and the sadness within my experience. I can’t cry about the things I know should be making me feel super sad. I know that I must feel something but it seems so far removed from my conscious mind that with the combination with my seemingly lifelong depression just makes me feel like I can’t think. I can’t process. I spend my entire day coping and am physically exhausted from doing N.O.T.H.I.N.G. and am usually a very athletic person. IDK maybe the pandemic is weighing on me. Or the global warming. Or the politics we are all currently suffering. I am at least free from any suicidal ideations. So cheers to me I guess.

    • Nel

      Hi there.

      I read your comment and had tears rolling down my face. I know exactly how you feel the only difference is that I am now a 43 years old woman who has a good job, lovely children a loving husband but absolutely no happiness in my soul. I was belittled by my mother all my childhood and even now her awful words reflect in who I am. I dont know exactly how I managed to secure a job. I learnt throughout the years to wake up in the morning and put the “all happy and confident” mask on but inside I am a wreck. I wish I was able to give you a positive reply to your comment and tell you this feeling of worthlessness and this sadness will go away but I can’t say that for sure. But you are young and seem very intelligent and you have already recognized what is hurting you so maybe you will find your way out of this upside down world you (and I) live in. From the bottom of my heart I hope you do

    • LA

      I’ve been dealing with depression for around 4-5 years now. It honestly feels like a cycle of not being content with my life. no matter what I accomplish or how good a day I’ve had I always return to those consuming thoughts that I will never be good enough and that I am a burden on everyone around me. I can’t even talk to friends or family anymore because I feel as if I’m always the one that brings a negative and awkward vibe to the table. Even when I have moments of happiness or confidence in myself my mind convinces me that those things are not meant for me, and that I will always be alone and anxious. 5 years ago I was the happiest person I knew, could never catch me without a smile and I always kept good energy regardless of what I was going through. Now life just feels unnatural and foreign, like nobody has my back including myself. I can only hope for better days. Know that what you’re going through is not on you, try not to blame yourself for depression

  • Sharon

    I’ve been unhappy for most of my 55 years. I am like a functioning alcoholic. I work, I pay my bills and to everyone I know I look and act normal. Little to they know that once I am alone the smile is gone and the sadness overwhelms me. I feel like I have amounted to nothing. I am single although I have a significant other in my life we do not live together or see each other often due to work. I am the only one in my family who does not own or live in a house, I don’t make good money (barely enough to pay bills/rent), I always feel stuck and unmotivated to do anything. Sometimes I think I’ve been cursed, some spell put on me not to achieve or move forward. My father once told me I would not amount to anything and go crawling on my knees to him for money….maybe that curse stuck. I find myself only wishing to win the lottery as that is my only way out of my depressing state. I am lucky that I have a lot of family and come from a loving and caring family however I feel like a loser because they have all moved ahead in life…..family, spouse, children. career etc etc. I feel like GOD doesn’t think I’m good enough to better myself, like he or something wants me in this way for some strange reason. I just want a piece of the pie, I just want to finally feel good about myself. I feel so blah so unhappy ALL. THE.TIME. It gets tiring. I am tired. I feel like crying.

    • J

      I’m done. Done with hoping. Everything I try and do to be a good person, a responsible and productive person always ends with a dead end. I’m tired of fighting. I’m 47 with nothing ahead of me but more disappointment. I’ve had one daughter who passed away of brain cancer 15 years ago and I still can’t make sense of it. Months ago my spouse and I split after 10 years of being together. When we met I opened my heart and felt that I had a future with him. Never argued ..thought we’d grow old together. Now I’m just growing old. LIke the straw that broke the camel’s back .. that’s what this is. I force myself to sleep for days at a time just so I don’t have to see all the happy and perfect people with their families and vacations and great paying jobs. I’m educated.. honors in Uni .. got me nowhere but a huge student loan that I couldn’t possibly pay back at the minimum wage. I sacrificed …a lot in my life ..and I have only ended up in the bottom. I’m not living …I’m not alive. I wish I could go to sleep and just never wake up. I’m tired of this hell on earth. I’m tired of seeing good ppl go through hell and evil ones reaching the top. I’m sick of social media ..sick of not being able to understand anybody because they have a bloody mask over their faces. I’ve spent hundreds of dollars on counseling sessions .. they’ve done nothing for me but put money in her pocket. I’m on anti depressants ..doubled a few months ago. I’m tired and dread my future if I have a long life. God should’ve taken me and not my daughter. I cannot and will not continue any longer. This is a cruel joke. must be

      • RJ

        J, sounds like you’ve been through a lot in life. Please know that you are not alone and many of us are in this together in spirit. I know it seems impossible to find peace, but please continue on and you will find it somehow. Always remember that you are appreciated and loved in this universe.

      • ML17

        J,
        Of the posts that I’ve read, yours is the one I sadly related to the most. That’s not awesome but it’s true. I cannot imagine the loss of a child. Can…not! But the way you describe how you see and feel things is eerily similar to my own. I’m tired of the fight. I’ve dealt with depression as far back as I can remember and I’m 50 now. The last 2 years, it’s been bad. A relationship ended that meant a lot to me. Like yourself, that was the final straw that began the downward spiral. Have not been the same since. Thought that would be my last relationship and also that we would grow old together. It’s always been there, as I said but It’s never been this bad for this long and nothing I’ve tried has made any difference. I’m tired of the disappointment. I beat myself up terribly. Nothing I used to enjoy matters anymore. Nothing really matters anymore. I get the part about trying to be a good person and do the right thing getting you nowhere while real crappy people seem to be getting by just fine. They have their shit too. Make no mistake. It’s frustrating but I came to terms with the good things happen to bad people and bad things happen to good people, a while ago. Life is certainly not fair. Instead of sleeping for days at a time, I have constructed my days to have as little down time as possible. The less I have, the less I spend torturing myself. I work as much as I can. I get home late with just enough time to get myself ready for the next day and go to sleep. I wonder all the time why God keeps waking me up. I’m good if he forgets one day and I’m pretty sure he knows that. The worst is when my eyes open and my first thought is, “I can’t believe I gotta do this again” “This” meaning, making it through another day. I’m not living. It’s existing. I still like and love what little family and friends I have but it’s an effort to want to engage. I don’t have much to offer and I hate that so I avoid it as much as I can. Plus, no one understands so I never bring up any of this. I learned my lesson a while ago because it would irritate me. You can’t understand unless you’ve truly been there. There’s a big difference between a few bad days and really circling the drain. They‘d try the ra-ra speech and tell me how i need to look at things differently…blah blah blah. I can see in their eyes, they just don’t get it. If I could do that so easily I’d have done it. I can’t, that’s why I have a problem.
        I’ve been where you are… I think. At least by the way you describe it and the words you use. I’ve said and thought some of the exact same things. I’ve traced a lot of stuff back to see why I’m like I am. I’ve found some answers. Doesn’t matter now, I’m already here. Honestly, most of it is just how I’m wired. Didn’t have a terrible childhood but when you combine the wiring with certain circumstances, there’s lots of bricks along the way that have helped build the wall.
        All the best J. I’m not gonna try and talk you off the ledge. I think it would be insulting if I even tried. I’m on the same ledge but I do wish you the best. Whatever that means to you…
        – ML17

      • Anonymous

        It isn’t normal for me to be commenting on stuff like this but I will anyways. I may only be 13, but I truly believe that I have depression. I’m not diagnosed but I don’t treat it as some kind of “trend”. I have mental breakdowns too often to count, and all my life my older sisters have neglected me and treated me as some kind of object or animal. I have panic attacks over the small things, and always think as if I’m not good enough. I’ve tried praying, and asking god for help every day, but it hasn’t been getting easier. I’m nowhere near popular and I’ve been bullied all my life, and I really feel like giving up. I’ve opened up to one friend before, and they went and betrayed me, so now I barley trust anyone. I’m scared. I’m scared to tell my mom about my mental health, because I’ve tried before. All she said was “we should get those thoughts out of your head”. What did she do to help? NOTHING. I feel like I can’t even trust my mom with my mental health. Earlier I just had a mental breakdown from getting a 0 in school for an assignment, and I’m scared I’m going to fail. I want to make my parents proud, but I’m scared that it won’t happen. I’m so done with school and life. I want to give up so much.

        • Nel

          Hi there.

          I believe you and is not because you are only 13 that you wouldn’t struggle with your mental health. I have struggled with most of my life (I am 43 now).

          You seem very intelligent and aware of what’s happening in your head and around you. If I could give you one advice it would be: don’t always count on others to help you finding your way out of this darkness. Sometimes, even parents are not great help. Go out there and get the help you need. Book a doctor’s appointment, ask him to refer you to a mental health team. Acknowledging you issues and doing something about it is not a sign of weakness. Is totally the opposite. It takes courage and inner strength to fight this invisible enemy. I didn’t accept I had a problem when I was your age but I wish I had. Maybe then I wouldn’t have suffered for some many years. I really hope you get better.

    • Anonymous

      I’m 45 and still live with my mom. When she dies I will be truly out on the street. I can’t work or even be around people because I have extreme depression and possibly the worst case of agoraphobia. I’ve seen doctors and therapists since I was in my teens and have taken nearly every mediation possible for depression, ADHD, anxiety and nothing has really worked at all for me without extreme side effects. I talk to a therapist via phone sessions and I’ve continued to try new medications but I always continue to have intense side effects which only feed into my anxiety more. I have no money and I can’t drive. When I was younger my father put something on the pedals of the car that made them slippery and I got into a severe accident which scared me to death of driving. When I was going to school the teachers wanted to put me into an art school because at the time I was truly gifted with drawing abilities but my father thought at the time (being the early 1990s) that art was a joke so I never got to a chance and he didn’t listen to the teachers or professionals. He even had other family members tell me how I was wasting my time as an artist. So I stayed in regular junior high and high school, failed miserably, dropped out eventually and shortly after I had dropped out, my father left my mom.

      Around that time I had met a woman who I could trust and felt comfortable with but who was also about 15 years older than me. She was extremely successful and owned a large business and wanted me to move away from my mother and live with her despite all my drawbacks (she had a brother who died that had similar experiences to mine) but I turned her down because I didn’t want to abandon my mother like my father had. My mom didn’t have much after the divorce so we moved into a smaller more secluded home that I still reside in now. It didn’t help my agoraphobia much, as I am even more closed off from the world. Going out to most places always caused me severe anxiety even on medication to the point I would pass out. It happened several times. Then 911 happened and it made me even more fearful of the world and just got worse as everyone knows the history of events that have happened in this country since that day.

      Now in 2020 my mom turned 70 and will probably lose her job soon not just due to age (though she is completely competent and smart) but because of the covid situation, the company she works for is laying off people. I’m scared because I don’t know how we will be able to survive or how my future is going to work. I don’t want to live on the street or even live in an apartment. I don’t like being around people or trust them, but I have no family left but my mom. Over the years I have tried to learn online skills but I just don’t have the talent or my depression is so deep that is making it impossible to do anything. It angers me how my father steered me away from my talents and they decayed over the years. Being an artist would have paid off for me now. I could have done 3d modeling or graphic design for anything, it’s thriving in multiple industries. Sadly those talents I had developed are long gone now, believe me, each year I try to revive them only to fail. I can’t even think straight to type this message. I’ve been typing it in notepad on windows for 4 days. My cognitive abilities seem worse than ever.

      I’ve talked to my mom about all this but there’s nothing that can be done and at this point we seem to not get along well which hurts me even more because I gave up everything out of loyalty. I’m really scared for my future as I said and my life does feel hopeless. I’ve never wanted to kill myself, I want to live and see my dreams come true but time is not on my side anymore. It’s just a hopelessness and depression. Career, love, simple self esteem or even friendships, i know none of these things.

    • Mia

      I’ve been crapped on what seems like my whole life and have alienated everyone I cared for. I’m truly alone and lonely. Ive gotten to the point where im (momentarily) done trying to feel better. It seems to come in waves more and more. Once the crippling anxiety ends here comes the darkness. But i know eventually the dark will lift. Then the Internal trade-in for fear comes back more intense than ever. Not much of a relief but oh well. I hate numb/sadness more.
      I have no family connections besides my mother and brother and husbands family. (None of which am i very close with). No kids. And wouldnt want kids considering how messed up i am and how messed up the worlds always been. What do i have to offer really? What does the world have to offer a new human? Its hard to justify starting a real family. So i dont have much to look forward to in that dept.
      Me and my husband barely get along. It’s either we dont talk or fight. Theres some good moments but mostly i feel disliked and like an annoyance. Im too poor to do anything about it so i roll with it and try to keep my head up but it doesnt always work. Not sure why im posting any of this.
      I think that the world and reality is weighing heavily on me. Add in lifes normal difficulties and it all seems insurmountable. It could very possibly get better…at least I hope it can even though i know its pointless…but i Might as well try to hope cause otherwise itll all seem too bleak.

    • Ruka

      Inside, I feel like “Wasted Potential” personified. Logically speaking, I should not be in my current position. I’m 21 year old young woman, supposedly having a bright future ahead of me, I have two well-adjusted, successful physicians for parents, the road has been paved for me since childhood… I should be content. I should be successful and confident, going for my internships, hanging out w/friends, holding a part-time… I had everything in the palm of my hands.
      I had it all.
      I had it all…
      …so why am I here?
      Why am I struggling to get above a C- in any course I take? Why have I lost three part-time jobs (quit two due to a mental breakdown, forced retirement from the third)? Why do I loathe myself every time I look in the mirror due to my obesity? Why do I lash out at my parents, who have done nothing but bend over backwards for me? Why do I have next to nothing in terms of finances, when I used to handle thousands easily and responsibly? Why do I get myself addicted to sugar, to video games, to pornography? Why does every year, every semester, every month just get worse and worse in terms of my health? Why do I continue to self-sabotage any area of improvement my life, despite being in therapy for 3 years and counting? Why am I legitimately afraid that my next major depressive/suicidal episode will do me in?
      Why have I let myself fall into such a disgusting, shameful state…?
      I used to so proud of myself, so confident in my maturity and responsibility. Now, everything I do gives my parents reason to treat me like a whiny, overdependent child.
      And don’t even get me started on the COVID-19 pandemic.
      Or the experience of being an African-American living in an area affected by protests.
      Depression to me is a gray “flatness”, an emptiness heavier than lead. It covers everything I see, everything I hear, everything I smell, taste, touch, think. My mind alternates between drowning in self-loathing, drifting in regret, twisted and wrung in fear, and being devoured by feelings of inadequacy and worthlessness. All this, while sinking in the ever suffocating mud of complete, utter apathy.
      And when the bottom of the pit comes, when I reach the edge of that cliff, facing the abyss…I feel like a weak, insignificant existence, trapped in a useless and rotting shell of a body.
      And all I want is to be free.
      There are times where the only reason I chose life was the fear that I would survive the fall.
      Even now, there are moments when I am awake in the dark of night. Fantasies where I jumped anyway. Glimpses and flickers of that fraudulent, insidious “peace” I felt moments before my previous attempt. It tempts me, sometimes, to this day. I can thank my dysthymia for that.

      • Annalisha

        I was doing okay until my only best friend went radio silent… now add the combo of ptsd ( a year ago at work I was harassed and threatened… it still feels like it happened yesterday) and most of this year I don’t care about anything…i don’t feel anything and I don’t wanna talk about it because I don’t wanna burden anyone. I feel bad about always telling my best friend about anything that was bothering me and I’m not sure why.I’m someone who people vent about stuff and it probably gave me a distraction from really thinking about my feelings.

      • Lauren

        I’m completely in the same situation. My parents have done everything for me and I’m at one of the best universities in the nation, but I’m on the verge of a mental breakdown constantly and I see no positive future for myself. I wish I could tell you that it gets better, but I’m not sure it does. I don’t understand how everyone around me is able to adjust to the world so easily.

  • des

    it’s 6am and I stumbled upon this article while listening to this song https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XmPnib7tCSg (to binge – gorillaz)
    it’s very much a vibe
    i’ve been so depressed lately, everything just feels numb and there’s just no purpose to anything
    it’s interesting, even though I’ve had many on and off periods of depression throughout my teenhood, when a big wave comes I always feel like it’s the worst phase I’ve had yet, even though objectively I don’t think that’s true.
    even if I’m not explicitly thinking of suicide, the big waves of depression kind of have a feeling like at the end of a movie, I just get a sense that an end or a big change is near
    but neither ever happens

    • Ryan

      I feel as if I have no purpose in life by my life feels unlivable,I feel like I am a burden to everyone around me. Not successful at anything in life. And I feel like that death is my only option that is my only option I have left. I need someone to help me before it’s too late.

      • RJ

        Hang in there Ryan. No matter how bad it may feel, there is hope and your life is precious. Remember you are strong and loved in this world – there is empathy and connection amongst all beings. Death is not the option. I know you will find the right help and healing to move on. Believe in yourself and in life.

    • Jaclyn Stephens

      Hi I suffered from severe anxiety and depression most of my life, I was with a emotionally abusive husband since the age of 14 together ,eventually he caused my anxiety and depression to get so much worse he pushed me to the point that I ended up in a mental ward for 4 weeks on electric shock treatment, after that I had to try and change my life as I didn’t want that to happen to me ever again, so with great effort and courage I left my husband and moved to a rental property ,from then on my life started changing for the better my confidence grew slowly and my anxiety slowed down also I now have a stable job and doing well.
      Sometimes we just have to change our life’s despite the fear and terror for things will improve.

  • J

    I haven’t been diagnosed by a professional, but I believe I’ve probably been living with depression for a few years. It began occurring after discovering my ex’s secret life and the severe betrayal I experienced. In my entire adult life I never cried. Then (surprisingly) I actually did cry on a few different occasions while dealing with the betrayal. It felt so weird. I felt like a big baby. Since then, I sometimes have this deep down feeling that I’m crying but the cry never makes it to the surface. I just go through my daily routine maintaining a normal appearance to everyone, but in this deep well inside of me I’m crying. I figure it’ll eventually go away. I’m only really aware of it in quiet moments or especially in times of transition, like leaving the office and walking to my car. I’m pretty sure what I’m experiencing is normal. I’ve had no appetite for being around other people in social settings and I don’t feel like meeting a new woman because I don’t feel equipped to handle a relationship, like I’m not good for anybody in my current state. I’ll hopefully snap out of it in time. I’m old enough and wise enough to know that time does heal all wounds. And I figure there’s a wound inside of me that’s still healing.

    • Tom

      This feels like it’s not my life. I am only going through motions, doing what I’m expected to. Laughing when I’m suppose to. I remember it was all natural to me once but now it’s gone. It’s like there this 2nd skin under the skin everybody sees that keeps me cold and sad and feeling useless. I want to feel like a functional person again.

  • James

    Well for many of us single good men out there that were very unlucky not to find love, makes it even much worse for us since meeting a good woman to share our life with is very difficult nowadays.

    • Bena

      I’m sure a lot of good women feel the same way that there’s no good men. Everyone so caught up in their phones and so self absorbed.

    • Sarah Whyte

      I have suffered with depression since I was 13. I am now 49. It has been a rollercoaster. Good years and extremely bad years. Sometimes I feel I make headway, then the darkness overtakes me again. I struggle to fit in and so have no friends. Never really have fitted in, but tried so hard to do so. I still try, but this generally leads to gross errors in judgment. I feel lonely, like it is swallowing me up. Suffocated by my thoughts. I hate myself and I can’t forgive myself for mistakes I’ve made. I understand why people don’t like me. I can see it in myself, all the flaws and imperfection. I’m too weird to truly love. I am unloveable and forgettable. But my GP says I am too motivated to be depressed! I am also a good actress it seems and can conceal the real me. Who would want to see that? Take care everyone. We are not alone, although we feel that way.

    • Tamanna Gautam

      Hi, it would mean a lot if somebody of you who is reading it can help me through this. I’m 19 yr old, a college student and preparing for my entrance exams in India. I am staying away from my family since past 2.5 years and feeling a kind of void ever since i moved out, situations got worse when i decided to come in a relationship with a guy and it was BAD ( he’s getting married the moment i’m writing this), there were times in this period when i felt myself useless and unproductive being there surrounded with people who are doing better than me, moreover i had nobody to share this with. My grades kept on decreasing unlike they used to be during my school. My health has been drastically getting affected, i suffered from pcod, because of which my weight increased and i gradually started losing my self confidence. I still am suffering from an allergy which makes me sneeze 15-20 times as soon as i take a shower or get out in some dust. Talking about the present scenario ever since this lock-down has locked us in our homes, my situation is getting worse, i’m writing this teary eyed and i really don’t know why am i crying. i went through a surgery a week before and recovering now. I have stopped talking to my friends, it’s not like i hate them or anything but i just don’t feel like talking to them. I wish to stay away from my parents and not talk to them too. I feel jealous of achievements of people of my age , i wish to do better than them but it feel too hard to get up from my bed and move. I hate myself!!!

      • Taylor

        Hey, sounds like a rough time of it. I get that, in a different sort of way. It’s been a few months, but I encourage you to know that reaching out to get help can work. If you asked me for help, I’d say ask your parents or teacher to help you see the school counselor. If they ask why, you could say anything true you want. “Just having a really hard time” “I think I might be dealing with depression” or others. I say this dealing with it myself. Hiding it won’t make it better. Talking about it might. Take the maybe over the safer feeling ‘no’. Enough maybe’s leads to something that works, in the end.

        Best wishes to you. You are worth caring about, so you know. You are valuable. Doesn’t matter if others see that. It will always be true.
        Taylor G-
        33yo med school student in Arizona, USA

      • Cherize Orsmond

        Hi I’m Cherize I’m only 13 and it’s only been a few months when I started feeling this way.So I haven’t experienced most of these symptoms but I’ve been feeling sad for quite a while and almost crying every single night.I get this pain in the middle of my chest and between my stomach and a little while later it feels like I cant breath.I cry silently and when I’m done I just sit there emotionless and scroll and watch depressing stuff.My mom yells at me everyday sometimes about the little list of things,walks away and a few min later comes back and tells again.i get frustrated and sometimes yell back,but she keeps telling me to shut up as if I can just listen to her saying things like you do everything half hearted and she once called me a useless bitch,coward,dumb,fat ext shell make jokes about my weight and then say it was just a joke.She said this to me yesterday “what are you looking for in the refrigerator now something to my you more fat”that hit me I only cried a few tears because I knew she would come to my room in a few min.

  • Hoping for Hope

    I had not really figured I’m depressed until I read this article its some relief at the same time very scary. I’m a guy and I’ve never been one to stereotype but hey I’m a guy and I’m connecting dots that I might be depressed VERY SCARY!! But hey it’s some consolation in a way because I’ve been really stressing like what the fuck moments almost every few minutes from just sitting doing nothing to ugghh damn should’ve done better or why am I thinking of all these unnecessary things. Basically regrets or flash backs that don’t make sense to what I’m currently thinking which now doesn’t seem so bad as lack of concentration is listed as one of symptoms. To just being in moments of how did I get to be this guy with not much confidence, cannot recall a lot which come and goes back into y memory, can’t decide on what i want, scared of being around not their comments just presence but when I’m around them nothing but constant anxiousness about what to say. Now that makes me think back to myself being a charismatic smooth talker loud guy who lived being around people, which brings me to my current problem.
    Firstly just to put it out there I’m a recovering drug addict not to say I was no alcoholic. Currently I’m in crossroads I so want to go back to using in hope that in doing so I might rediscover myself but at the same time i feel like its taking the easy road. Not so long ago last year I had quit harsh drugs and only smoked weed(marijuana) only but in that period i was in a similar stat but worse since back then I saw one option for what I perceived as a useless or meaningless existence death. Yes I’d fantasized countless times about how to off myself and came to one conclusion pay off some other idiot to do it. Not because I was scared but due to my understandings of life I just couldn’t do it myself. Thinking of solutions to save my life I relapsed in doing so I still couldn’t grasp a solution but was hitting rock bottom friends told me to stop but i had this idea. It was not a solid idea but one non the less which was to lose myself and everything in the drugs until a point where could form a new understanding of things to rebuild myself better from being but nothing. At the edge between sanity and insanity boundaries weakened and I started having conversations with god which was basically me speaking hoping he was listening until the point where I asked him a question and demanded an answer within that night saying if I don’t get a reply that will be me joining the atheists in saying there is no god. On that evening or morning in a bar just when I was in my own state, “You know those moments when you just give zero fucks to anyone or anything that you see won’t benefit you and keep to yourself” rasta appeared and was out with his father. We played some pool and had some beers as the night progressed rasta’s dad had a talk with me giving me advise on the question I’d earlier phrased to myself/god/or universe look at it how you will. As he answered my prayer with that answer the world around went silent and I was pleased. The problem here is I did not stop after this revelation but used this new found connection to better aid my using.
    The current problem is I’m thinking of going back to using and I think in a way I’ll yet again be avoiding this problem in a way and honestly I don’t know how I’m feeling but out of sync with the world which is moving and I feel like a constant still. I feel like using is the kick start i need, but I fear being drawn back in the cycle.

    PS. I don’t know how to feel or be part of the world synergy, I hate wanting to to do things but having fear of doing for the unknown, thinking of doing a lot of things but procrastinating to do any and later having regrets about not doing those things this feeling of anxiousness most of the time as there’s something that will happen.

    • Susan Knight

      Well I am now 69 & recovering from the highest level brain bleed caused by sitting on bed to lean down to put a boot on. My husband searched for his wife as I drove to our teaching venue, he found me face down on the floor with pink foam foam around my mouth in a coma.
      Luckily lived close to a hospital, so recovery is endless, had 7 months stay in 3 excellent hospitals with caring Staff, good foods regular drinks gym discussion group art room & much more.
      My man visited twice daily & repaid these many hours in his teaching profession.
      Support was endless as taught his wife to be, how to, eat drink write read speak & walk again over 7 long stressful months with dedicated hospital staff.
      Loving family & friends visited every visiting time, great fun & exhausting also, so I slept better on the starched sheets.
      Crushed to hear I would be both Medically Retired & Legally must return my DVLA.
      In my 17 year after & have no regrets as hobbies have increased as energy returned, football cricket gardening reading writing & singing.
      For all of us who are cared for & loved “Everyday is a bonus for us all over our World!
      Be happy safe loved & smile.

      • Matt

        Hey tamanna, I know exactly what but you mean. I’ve been struggling with depression since January this is by far the worst it’s ever been before. Please know your not alone. I know it’s hard to try to stay positive especially with everything going on in the world right now. I have a good job, beautiful girlfriend, and my own house but I still cannot find any reason for me to keep going right now. It feels like I can’t focus on anything at all. Constantly all day it’s up and down a few hours I feel fine then all of the sudden i zone out my thoughts start and everything just goes down hill in a hurry. Nothing feels right or normal then the panic kicks in thinking about hurting myself or my girlfriend, constantly wondering if this is going to happen the rest of my life. It’s nothing I’ve ever had to experience before. But somehow someway you just have to keep going and hope that things turn around and you start feeling yourself again. The same way you felt before all this started.

  • Who cares

    Im almost 55 and have achieved nothing. I don’t want to do anything and feel like everyone my age has been able to avoid loserville and when I hear them talking about what they can do (hobbies, travel, fun in life) I get even sadder. I realize I have blown it over and over again, my chances for success are gone. My life is only work. No fun. No hobbies, nothing to give me joy. I’m broke and can’t afford anything. I drink to forget. Most of my childhood friends growing up and into my 30s are dead and did it with booze and suicide. I ask God for help. Too busy I guess. Why am I even here? I snap at my wife for asking me to help her with anything. I start getting ready to cry at the slightest thought of something sad. I will end badly. It will never get better.

    • Michelle

      I think I’ve been struggling with mild depression which seems to have worsened during lockdown due to Covid. Something really feels off, I feel numb and empty towards everyone including my fiancé which scares me alittle because I’ve always felt lovey dovey and now I just feel nothing. I smile and laugh like everything is normal but inside I feel numb to everyone and everything. I have random thoughts about how not existing would be easier but I could never hurt myself. I want to get help but it’s so expensive.

      • Leilany

        Hey Michelle. I just wanted to let you know that if you didn’t know already, there are therapists that work on a sliding scale. There are also support forums and apps that can help get you some support if that doesn’t work for you. I’ve been using 7 Cups personally which is kind of like online therapy and which offers financial aid if you need it. It’s a lot less expensive than regular therapy. Hope this helps.

        • Michele

          Hello fellow Michel(l)e 🙂 I have been feeling very much the same way. Avoiding important people in my life and just do not feel hopeful lately. Also quite anxious about the future, but having trouble making decisions b/c I am not excited about anything.

          But let me get to the reason why I commented on your post: some insurance companies have waived co-pays for therapy during covid-19. I started talking to a therapist a few months ago and it has been helpful (though I am still struggling of course). I searched through psychology today and filtered by my insurance to find her. Then reached out via email.

      • Nicholas

        First of all who cares your a dick and your the poor excuse because your a troll get a life nerd and secondly I’m a 27 dude who has been abused before by girls over the internet and it’s a struggle to me dealing with my own emotional pain and problems I know sometimes it can’t seem to be the problem to deal with someone in reality never learn to love themselves first before you start dating I had a few mistakes in the past but I want to live a functional lifestyle were i can live in a helpful and safe environment even though I’m in my own world but hey were only human and that’s what counts thank you and god bless

    • nicole summer

      listen. I care. As someone who feels a lot of what you probably feel I know that hella doesn’t mean anything. But I care. I know someone who loves you cares. I truly hope it does lessen or lighten or just back off for you to come up for air. I care.

    • Tony Jupp

      Except drinking I know the feeling but the feeling that others have their shit together and they have pension and travel plans past/present/future in the right boxes is not an unusual feature of ones thought pattern.What comes first competence or spirit ? Spirit is something that needs nurturing in my case it’s exercise and a good book…I tried Alcohol but it only added to my paranoia and depression and I was lucky to give it up and smoking.Depression or Negativity is a condition some of us have to battle with everyday and I honestly believe it’s a Chemical imbalance with some having less serotonin or whatever than others…..Science one day will have the answers but for time being remember you ain’t alone and Inwould offer that hand of friendship but WE tend to be slightly boring as after all depression is a negative condition.

    • Amber

      It’s like my whole day is just blank. When i talk to people it feels like i’m the 3rd person on the conversation who barely gets what is going on even tho that person who is supposed to be me knows what they’re talking about. Most of the day my arms and legs feel so heavy that it’s hard to move them and i can stare blankly through the room for a long time. And when i’m finally doing something like biking i come back to my senses and all my bad thoughts come back to live. Then when it’s the end of the day i get frustrated, angry and sad, like i need to scream. I’m in a hole and whenever someone tries to get my out of it trying to understand how i feel, they don’t get far enough. I know that I shouldn’t think negative and give up, but I can’t help to feel hopeless

      • Matt

        Maybe its not you Amber, have you heard the vapid boring conversations most people have? I check out too. Maybe YOU are the normal sane one….try to find others like you

    • Tee

      Hey there,

      I have extreme health anxiety and depression and am constantly reading these articles but never post. But I wanted to post a reply to you.
      You may never read this, or I may never read a reply if you do reply, but I hope you do or I hope this helps someone else.

      YOU are NOT your depression.

      It is our own mind and self that is causing these problems and it’s hardwired into our brains as humans. You can however break this.

      I may suggest confiding in your wife. She is your partner and you’re with her for a reason, let her know what’s going on as sometimes just talking to another human in person about your problems can help. You may find a reconnection you never though possible.

      Also, life at 50 being over is nonsense. You are the creator of your future, regardless of the outside noise, we have the power to mould our future. Maybe take a look at a new line of work?

      You need to find once again what makes you happy. Try going to a men’s group to talk to others and maybe make some new friends. I know it’s a very scary thought, but we need to break the habits of security our mind has set in place for us. I do it myself. I alienate my friends to the point where they won’t spend time with me, then I miss that. But it’s my own brain trying to rely on the security blanket it THINKS it has. I need to break that, WE need to break that. We need to break the fear of being happy that our brain has turned into a security blanket, which in effect is causing our pain.

      It’s the only chance we have of living any sort of happy life. We need to make ourselves find happiness again, even if perhaps the road to get there looks dark, long and scary.

      If a random on the Internet can care enough about you to finally say something they never have (I contemplated not leaving this comment about 5 times due to my own insecurities and anxiety). You can definitely care enough about yourself to find happiness.

      Good luck my friend. Remember, you are not alone in this, you never have been, its just your mind creating safety nets it thinks it needs. You may find all you needed to do, was do the opposite of what you thought.

      P.S – Every time you said to yourself “Bah, that won’t help” or “Eesh, I can’t do that” during reading my comment, is a prime example. Do the opposite.

      Much love. Go be great my friend!

      • KEISHA L WILLIAMS

        Thank you for writing this. I’m a wife and a depressed husband that’s in denial. This is the second time depression has hit him hard. He blamed me for everything and asked for a divorce. Came out of it for a short time, me and said he meant none of the horrible things that’s he said to me and wants his family and will fight for his family and he never wanted to go to that dark place again. I though I had my husband back. Here it is a few short months later and the depression has come back again and he is asking for a divorce again. I know it’s not him it’s the depression taking. But, now it’s affecting my mental health. 19years I’ve been with this man and now I want out. I’ve been told you stay. It’s just too much to deal with. I’m worried he’s going to come out of it again and it’s going to be too late. I’ll he gone.

      • Jessica

        Tee: This helped me a lot. I am crying right now. Feels like I’m falling. Outside is numb. I wish the inside was numb. Rest of the world has faded. I want to get away from my head but I can’t. It’s always there. I’m tired of using substances. Nothing works. Nothing in my life works. Relationship, housing, work, child, nothing. Tired. So tired. I read about how to get better but it just seems like so much work. I have no energy. I can just lie on the bed and cry or sit on the computer and cry. Why, why are emotions so strong. Why can’t we turn them off. I get they’re supposed to keep us safe, but that’s not working either. I dream of turning into a robot…into Data…where I can switch them off. As bad as all of it is, your post got through a little. It is all in my head.

      • Sian

        I feel like everything is pointless, like I am so, so exhausted. Everyday life is like wading through mud. Every little thing feels so hard and so emotionally overwhelming. I have a child who I love deeply who is unwell. Life just seems so sad. It hits me really hard all the time, just in the small things. Everyday I get up and try again and I feel like I’ve failed again by the end of it. Like I just cannot get anywhere or improve anything and I am slowly drowning. Lately I don’t want to keep trying, I am too tired.

    • silvia

      Many people say they understand depression because in their life they’ve been through some sort of grief, break-up, stress etc,. In my case I’ve been diagnosed with severe depression. Professionals have come up that it’s hereditary which makes sense in a way that my mom would talk that my dad and I know act the same. Other doctors have said it was because of my young life how I went through a lot. Honestly I think it’s up to me to decide. Few years back I decided I couldn’t live with this hate towards people that had hurt me when I was a kid, I said to myself, ‘who cares! I’ll be the bigger person,’ and I did I honestly don’t care but maybe I’m just blocking a lot of things that caused me trauma. Depression for me is easy to explain because I have never heard anyone else describe in the same way; it’s a nasty dark feeling that suddenly comes into my body and makes me stop talking, eating, laughing or whatever I’m doing, it completely shuts it down. I picture myself just crawling myself in a little ball and turning off my imaginary button that I have in my heart. In the past due to this I tried about four times to commit suicide, but I guess I have a higher power that doesn’t want me to go, or me being so negative, maybe it wants me continue suffering. But like I said it’s up to me. To learn how to love myself and stop these negative thoughts. I could pep talk a lot of people and get them off their butts, maybe because I don’t like seeing people down like me, I feel I’m able to get into their hearts and just take it away. Maybe it’s from all of the therapies I’ve received over the years. I don’t let this disease get to me though I don’t use it as an excuse for people to feel sorry for me, not many people actually know about this, because to a lot, I’m a very happy and positive person.

      I was 9 when I began with my depression, I am now 27 and I still don’t love myself.

      • Helen

        Depression is such a soul sucking illness. It deprives you of everything, you view life so differently now, so black and depressive.

        I can’t even look myself in the mirror, no idea who I’m looking at. Hollow. It’s the pain of not belonging and the absence of emotional connection for me. In my head I’ve lost everyone, my love, my friendships, my desires. I just feel stuck, hopeless and an incredible failure. In close groups of people I have severe panic attacks because I feel invisible in them, like I’m looking through a glass wall at them, so far away.

        The loss of love and connection has been the worst pain and experience I’ve ever had. I’ve been with my fiancé 5 years and it’s like I’ve never known or loved him, stolen from me. I’ve no excitement for our future because I genuinely don’t believe I’ll be there to see it. Why hope for a future when you physically cannot see a way through? I feel like I am going to inevitably lose him so must break up with him. I keep thinking if I give my mind what it wants, will it ease my pain any? But realistically, I’ll still be emotionally void and potentially living with my parents again would be insufferable I don’t believe I have parents that’s how emotionally disconnected I am and because they’re a major contributor to how I am now.

        Death is welcomed in my head. An end to my pain. I don’t think I have any connections to feel guilty about leaving them if that makes sense. I feel so alone and I’d rather die than face a life of it or put my partner through it. He won’t let me push him away but I feel like he’s signing himself up for a life of misery.

        Emotionally, mentally & physically drained.
        Hopeless, futureless & saddened at how my life has flipped. I honestly can’t see past my depression and It’s like it’s blocked all my memories so I can’t remember who I was before this.

        People still dance around the subject of depression, like they’re scared to talk about it or not fully realising the extent of someone’s pain especially when they haven’t experienced it. Don’t let anyone tell you off for feeling a certain way, it’s real to you. The pain is real to you and living with it is nothing short of a heroic achievement in itself. You got up of bed? Proud of you. Went for a walk? Fantastic I hope you got a rush of endorphins for it! You didn’t feel like it? That’s ok too. No rule book on how to deal with it.

        We’re all working out our own way and if anything, searching for answers shows you want more for yourself & that’s a big step in itself.

        • Danielle

          Dear Helen,

          I don’t know your situation, but I know what you mean when you say that you are looking through a glass wall. It’s like people can see you, but they can’t hear you, the cry of your heart. Like they stare at your face, yet they never see YOU. No matter how close people are to you in the physical world, your soul is still alone. You yearn for someone who knows the depths of your soul. It feels like you are in the grinding machinery of the universe, compacted so tightly that there is no room in this world for you to exist. It is like your spirit, usually emanating from you like a galaxy, has been compressed to a tiny black hole with an insane gravitational pull for any form of love and connection. Yet you find none. I know how it is to desire the feeling of intense sun on your skin, because, though it is not the love you desire, it feels like a warmer hug than any other person could give you. There are some songs that you feel incredibly drawn to, like they put words to what your own soul cannot express. Music never sounds more beautiful as it does then.

          I have recently overcome my own depression. I was depressed for 2 years. I’d say 1 year of a more severe dysthymia, and 1 of major depression. Then a third year (this past year) of breaking out of it. I was in such a deep hole that I could not realize the severity. So every time my condition would improve, I would believe myself to be better. Turns out I merely felt a lot better than before, but I was still not better. So that third year was a strange combination of dysthymia and relapsing episodes of greater severity. It was a two steps forward one step back sort of thing. When you keep pulling a wagon across a dirt trail, eventually it becomes the only track you can take. It takes time to alter those deep tracks in the dirt. In the same way, it takes time to break out of old brain patterns. But I believe I can say, for real this time, that I have overcome my depression. And so can you.

          My heart is with you, Helen.

          Psalm 139

    • Taryn

      My heart hurts for you and I needed to just reach out and acknowledge your pain. I can feel it’s deeply intense and I know what it feels like to be stuck in that hell, to feel you’ve failed simply at living, or being . I know there are no perfect words of comfort and my god how I wish I had them for you . But please don’t leave this world just yet, it sounds like you have a wife who does love you and a partner to walk through this with . Please , talk to your Dr , try medication, Which can be life saving , as can therapy .I never respond on these forums but I had to for you … please don’t give up

    • Teresa

      Who cares, I’ve been trying to telepathicly give you an overwhelmingly big warm and comforting hug. I hope you received it and that it brings you some comfort and relief. Or some joy for the fact that I do care enough that when I read your post I stopped and put some time and effort into leaving you a reply to tell you I care (just in case the hug didn’t work but it probably did). At the least I hope you can laugh at my thinking that telepathic hugs are a thing (and I truly do), or smile a little inside because I do care. Also I hope loservill evicts your *** soon and you find a more blissful place to mentally and emotionally reside. Also you know you don’t have to live your life or evaluate yourself or grade your accomplishment by anyone elses standards and it’s ok to lower your own expectations (if only temporarily) in order to pick yourself up and give yourself a break. You could try mentally exploring alternative realities. Most of what we see as reality, I believe is mostly in our heads anyhow.

  • sore hands

    I’m not exactly actively thinking that I have to…run away in any way, I’m just tired of my existence. There’s too much input coming in and I want to stop it or for me to just stop registering it. I don’t know if it’s depression since other people’s experiences are different from mine, but it feels like my soul is sighing and the sigh is unending. I want to be emotionally numb because when it’s not resignation, it’s extreme fear or despair or something between the two or I’m trying to resign myself to new facts, and those feelings make my palms and wrists hurt. I started getting help ish over the last year or so because it was so much easier to just stop moving in one place for hours and obsess over everything I should be doing/the outcomes of not doing anything, and I think on some level I’m not okay with feeling this way. It’s definitely…helping me relearn how to think about things differently and how important my words/intents are, but sometimes, like how I feel right now, it gets more and more difficult to believe that feeling this way is unavoidable and eventually I’ll be stuck that way with no escape. It’s not like I physically can’t, but I feel so uninterested in tasks that without external motivators (and these don’t work sometimes) nothing will get done. It’s so easy to be a tool for others, so easy to chase that escape from thinking and feeling about myself. As I type, I’m starting to persuade myself that this is “a waste of time” and “a display of how undisciplined you (me) are”. I don’t know when I started lacking discipline and self control. I don’t want to do things I don’t want to do, I’m not allowed to do things I want to do, taking action for myself is not allowed but why isn’t it allowed, please, I am so tired. The fact that I’m tired isn’t even important to me, it’s just important because I can’t decide what I can do for others without taking into consideration how my current feelings will affect my ability to give the person the best possible result/outcome. I think about these things and it’s like, “when did this even happen? Has it always been this way? Why didn’t I notice it sooner?” I think I wanted to find this page because I’m desperate for this feeling to be valid and important, because I want to be a priority, because I want to be deserving, because I’m afraid that if I don’t write this feeling down while I still can, I’ll never again get a chance to want to be and actually be valued by me. I don’t know where to start valuing me. I think I’ll ask my therapist next time we talk.

    • Victoria

      Live in a somewhat toxic environment with my mom and step dad + 2 younger siblings. I’m 17, will be 18 next month. Things weren’t always bad, or at least that’s what my tiny kid brain thought. My mom has been a pill addict since my dad killed Himself when I was 3. I’ve had some traumatic experiences from ages 4-present. A bad breakup a year and a half ago really triggered the anxiety and depression that were lurking all my life. I never knew what anxiety was until I realized how weird I was beginning in 6th grade. I stopped eating lunch at school and stopped going in the lines. No signs of depression til 10th grade when I had relationship problems. I dwelled on them Constantly and still do to this day even though there is no reason to. Everything I’ve experienced traumatically has impacted me and just stained my way of thinking. I hate everyone almost. I complain all day and my parents yell at me for being ungrateful, but my mom is unemployed and my step dad works 2days a week and Plays video game the rest of the time he’s awake . I play a sport but when it’s out of season I sleep and lay down all day with no motivation. I haven’t left my house other than the necessities since December. I go to college in a few months and dread the change .. a roommate I don’t know, a team I don’t know. I want to be able to smoke my weed but I’ve noticed it makes me more depressed though I’m dependent on it at this point. Life sucks and I truly see no point . Not even on a suicidal level, just truly think it’s boring ..

      • Anam

        I’m 18 years medical student .I feel so much depression due to this pandemic covid .And unfortunately my mood is changing day by day .I used to shout, and i suffering from so many fatigue like Headache, stomachache,heart impulse increasing .And even I want to cry very loudly .
        I can’t understand anything.I am getting irritate with my parents andwith my surroundings . Actually my mom hears about my Relationship and she used to tortured me .Due to this reasons i am getting too much confused about my future that what ,and how i do .

    • Nik

      I’m not quite sure how to explain it but then I searched on line n all of the dealings I searched relay back to depression…..
      My wife tells me alot that she thinks I’m depressed wen it’s both of us n I’m just finding out today this very minute I have it 100%…I have to stop n think though my wife’s is ten times worse n I’ve confirmed to it as well as many others that all use her as a go to , or think it’s just a joke and make life harder for her knowing she’s allready got alott I just don’t get she gets over whelmed so easy to were she wants to die ,n I feel so horrible that this is built up n so many ways I will not go on to say that I’m a good 70%of the cause but now seeing n reading this I may have like she has told me time n time again and as well as a few other family members ,but that’s were it all becomes to much n break n she brakes n my situation puts me under and influence of a drug or alcohol n then my thaughts get way worse not of harm or harm to others but self worth n y am I even here here or y do I try at some things so hard but not at other things y was my child hood fucked y won’t this kid n my home just listen a lil bit wen I’m telling him n that’s wen I really loose it I love this kid prolly more than his own mom n god forbid some one tried to lay a finger on him …. Just some of the things I see him doing is spitting image of myself wen I was a kid n nothing worked for me …. I’m sorry to all this turned into a rant but all is falling n going down the toilet all I want to do is give up cause each time I try I’m always wrong weather its work,hobby lol I don’t even have a hobby but anything I feel as no one listen s n I’m 3inches tall life please EASE UP ……..

    • Teresa

      Sore hands I’m glad you wrote this because it’s pretty similar to how I feel all the time and I may have never put the thought into the effort or the effort into the thought. So thank you. I hope I find your comment again so I can screenshot it, you worded it pretty well.

  • ELBA

    It feels like everyday tasks must be done while walking waist-high through mud. The thought of beginning a new task is so overwhelming that it’s always done only at the 11th hour and only when it’s critical to do so. Dishes don’t get washed until the little bugs start to appear. You plan, prepare, say you will do, but you never do them. The house begins to be a collection of things you never got to. You hope when you wake up you’re sick or have found some legitimate excuse to stay in bed longer. You love them when you take them, but even a shower seems to be to daunting of a task. Every thought is about your past failures and inadequacies, you dwell on them constantly. Your only vacation that you’re able to take is in your mind before you go to sleep, where you imagine a fantasy life with no problems or worries and no needs for anything, just peace and abundance and zero stress. You tell yourself that you hate yourself silently so many times it becomes a natural part of the day, like having the same tic over and over again. You can only find ONE THING to do per day and then call it quits; if a phone call came in that required a conversation and some action, you take the rest of the day off. When the doorbell rings, that panic makes the nerves on the tops of your hands tingle and your body go hot and flush, wondering what doomed situation lies on the other side of the door. The OCD components makes it twice as bad, with the obsessive thoughts and irrational actions woven into everything you do and think. Anger becomes magnified, love is there but is nothing more than words because you have no ability to think of others more than yourself, what true love is, your actions not words, your caring about others more than yourself can’t be acted upon, so you wonder if it’s love if you can’t express it properly. Some days, you’re just crying because you know you’re stuck in this hellhole for the rest of your life and will never get out, especially if you have no avenues to receive medical treatment or medication to alleviate the madness. You’re afraid that if you do, the government boogiemen will come to get you and put you in jail for being an inadequate human being incapable of maintaining a home and life properly, and you’re afraid of never coming back home and you will lose everything in your life when they let you out. You think about death all the time because there is nothing else that you can imagine stopping the pain of it all, even though you know that’s not true at all. You want no one around you that expects you to act normal, so your only friend is the TV or computer because they don’t expect anything of you and you don’t have to put on a show for them. You count the years you have left to live at least once a week, imaging the calendar months being marked off one by one until the unknown day you get to be relieved of the drudgery. You become jealous of those who are in a position of getting medical help while you have to hide and disguise every aspect of yours when you have to leave the house, and hurry back home to re-enter the black hole. Everything is a chore, and nothing is a pleasure. You could probably pick me and others like me out easily by the one telltake unmistakable thing: We’re the ones who never put up the Christmas tree.

      • Donna

        Me as well. I have no joy in my heart. Life seems pointless, all that we do, learn…then you lose everything with age or by disease…you learn to read, think, do, toilet, bathe, walk, drive…and if you live long enough you cannot do anything you spent years learning and perfecting,…and/or you lose your mind and dignity, memories, identity with it. Tell me how to find joy in that?

  • anthoney

    like my fellow companion stated he doesn’t even know where to begin ,
    i guess my actions in life lead me to where i am today and i’m not happy at all, i try to look at all my experience and say it was for the best and that things will get better, but the truth is i don’t know if things will get better at all,
    i literally feel at times like i want others to piss me off so i can have a out burst and really tell people whats on my mind.
    i feel so tired of living but i just don’t want to hurt my love ones even-though i feel like i’m alone, the tears no one sees, the smiles i hide behind, the headaches ‘ had the pressure of this life, and no one seems to see how hurt i am because i don’t want to hurt anyone and its costing me my life,
    government I’ve failed us, our beliefs systems have failed us, family, friend I’ve failed us, i believe that this is the point where one should just let go,
    i tired, weak, sad, unhappy, about everything really , its hard to explain 🙁 :(:(:(:(:(
    i don’t writing this will help but i’m just trying to give it a try because at this point i don’t know what to do

    • Teresa

      Yep I’m with ya only I lost the Christmas tree in an eviction where my family and I lost pretty much everything we owned(all of all of our junk 3 households worth moved into one home all we had boughten, hoarded, saved, saved for, or planned to sell or throw out, kept for another, planned to grow or shrink into) I refer to as the storm. Lost it in the storm and although I have acquired another years ago I’ve never even talked it out to see if all the pieces are there and I fell I’m doomed into the blackhole of depression for the remainder of my existence never again to put up the tree.

  • Unknown

    sometimes in some cases they see their friends but can only see them stabbing the in the back. this causes wedges in friendship that are hard to mend. one case of this is my friend trying to give me a hand shake and i saw his hand moving to quick, i grabbed his wrist and twisted it nearly popping his arm out of its socket cause of my fear of getting stabbed due to my time in a ghetto school system. he got pissed but we talked it out. some cases it can be that they wear a mask of joy but one day it will break and you’ll see them in a vulnerable state where even the smallest thing can cause them to fly off the handle or start sobbing. i had one of these days just a day ago, it was a sudden change in mood some guys where giving me a hard time and i was laughing it off with my friends but son they say my head drop and my face go cold and blank some even tried talking to me and i didn’t notice till 30 seconds later even then i felt like absolute shit. and even then they can be triggered by small things. i tried to invite my friends to a party on xbox and one went offline but was still in the party.

  • Mr. M

    I don’t really know how to begin but I will just start with that I am a worrier. Recently I just get so scared about my loved ones and that I am making situations worse for them. It’s so hard for me to trust them and I have no idea why. I just feel it in my stomach and in my breath, there is something off about me and I hate the judgment that occurs in my mind. I just want to be (like the Hozier song) I just want to accept. I just don’t know if I have the mind for that.

  • Elena

    Ahh, here I am, the last day of the decade (2019)… I’m tired of being alone, and I’m tired of being in relationships. I’m just tired of life I guess. It feels like I can’t do anything in my life right, and I don’t know what I want to do in life either. I’m tired of everything, and I just don’t want to be alone right now. Yeah, I’m surrounded by my family right now, but I can’t tell anyone how I truly feel, because they won’t believe me. They just tell me that I’m crazy, and that it’s just a phase, but really it’s not. It’s been like this, cutting on and off, for YEARS, and I just don’t know what to do anymore. At school, I just pretend to be someone who I definitely am not. I pretend to be alright, even though I’m not, and I’m sick of this.

    • amk

      It was just a few hours tonight I felt normal. I called a couple remaining friends, and I had to explain that I was not high, nor drunk, just in a manic period. I shouldn’t have to explain, but I know, and everybody knows that something in me is broken, and has been for a long time. My most recent relationship was a war-zone, a four year conflict, and when it ended, it once again was scorched earth policy from me. I can sit down and within an hour write an entire outline of a novel of editable quality, or sit at my piano and play for hours without ceasing, or, as part of my meager income, arrange music to produce a cover of a song for one of the two churches I work for every Sunday throughout the month. I paint, and support myself by selling paintings. I design, and create products for yet another trickle from an online store. I can do anything I put my mind to, and yet I can’t be not broken. I am able to dominate many social situations, but the aftermath is one of pure exhaustion. My heart was broken by somebody that I loved, and still love, and I couldn’t stop the cycle, and lost him…and he lost me. I allowed him to treat me horribly, and lost my ability to speak, so I watched as he crushed me over and over and over, and finally, when I had enough courage from drinking, I ended it, and then chased him to get him back…who does this!? He was rarely good company, but he was company, and kept me distracted from being broken. I now sit alone with this horror, because it is easier than another possible rejection. I feel myself sinking into mediocrity–into phlegmatism, or at least turning my patterned intensity into self punishment. This dip is getting deeper than I’ve ever been before. This is one small part of what depression is.

    • Anonymous

      im just so tired of every thing and i do everything wrong. i feel so use less and stuff just seems wrong all the time. some times i feel like i dont belong where i am and i’ve had thoughts that scare me to think about now and i dont want to tell anyone bc they wont take me seriously and its easier to just wear i fake smile than to try and open up to anyone.

  • Jacob

    I’m a 25 year old white, privileged male born in a first world country.

    I was training to be a lawyer.

    On a path towards ‘success’.

    I hated every single minute of it.

    It took me over a year to negotiate a way out.

    The threat of around £50,000 kept me there for longer than I’d have liked.

    I was diagnosed with ‘situational depression’ last year.

    I cried uncontrollably again today.

    This happens pretty frequently.

    You know.

    I don’t regret it one single bit.

    For the rest of my life,

    Even with tearful bouts,

    I get to choose who I become.

    It feels hard right now.

    Like, I’ll never figure it out.

    Or things won’t really get better.

    Yet, ironically, my symptoms are a physical response to the hatred I felt for the environment I found myself in.

    My body was screaming at me.

    Quit, whilst you can.

    Move on.

    Time is precious.

    Live the life you want to live.

    I’m still a long way off that.

    Difference is,

    I’m making progress towards it.

    My previous identity wasn’t doing that.

    I’ll finish with this.

    If you think the following,

    ‘I am broken. I’ll never repair. Things won’t get better. I’m damaged”

    Do this,

    Scroll from top to bottom for this forum.

    That’s only two years of content.

    Think you are the only one?

    It’s far more common than you think.

    Take strength.

    You are a normal, functioning human being.

    With emotions, responding appropriately to a set of circumstances.

    Yes, perhaps you can improve how you react to external circumstances.

    Take lessons from the Stoics.

    It’s far easier said than done.

    The good news is, the alternative is to be a sociopath.

    Nobody wants to be a sociopath, don’t be that.

    • Limbo

      Disconnection , not here not there. Watching my life from a third person point of view. I don’t wan’t to be alone but people irritate the life out of me, so I guess better off alone. My heart and mind seem gone, and everyone is just full of it. Faking it and talking too dam much. Food doesn’t seem that tasteful anymore, might as well just drink water and call it a day. I’m not alone , and what is that gonna do anyway? Take this pill or talk to this person , yeah sure that’s gonna do… do nothing but tell me that I’m in this shit hole and is gonna be hard to get out of it. You call it hopeless, I call it realistic.

  • beej

    I see myself in most of the replies above (I read about half of them). Losing days just trying to feel something good. I’m married, but I’ve gone outside of my marriage to try to feel good about myself (but guess what?? – that just makes me feel worse about myself.) I’m not looking in the right places, or speaking to the right people or saying the right things when I do. I’ve squandered so much time over the last 2 years that I don’t feel like I have any kind of direction anymore. I lost my dream job after 25 years (!) and I am now adrift on an ocean of self-doubt, anger and low self-esteem. No land in sight. I can struggle through the day as there are “things” to do to keep me busy and occupied. But bedtime comes and the emptiness looms up inside me and badgers me to stay awake and suffer some more. At least I’m good at that now.

    • Amelia

      I hurt. I have no interest in anything. No one understands why I am this way or that I even am. I’m walking a tightrope and I don’t have the core strength to balance me. I have no core. I am rotten in the middle. Mush

    • Depressed

      I consume myself with work and my children. I have nothing left to give to my husband nor myself. I have one friend at work. We are both introverts, but the difference is she has a ton of friends and socializes. If I didn’t talk to her, I wouldn’t talk to any adults. I barely talk to my husband. I feel like it is something just beyond what I can do right now. I find it overwhelming to plan for holidays. I want to be an amazing mother, but I constantly feel like a failure. I find myself being extremely anxious talking to my parents because at this point in my life, I feel like I am guiding them and telling what to do. I feel like I have wasted so much of my life being anxious and sad when I have had so many blessings. I kept looking for drama and am still hyper-critical of so much…the environment, government, leadership, education, systems, policies, etc. I just feel drained. I don’t exercise. I used to do it all the time. I barely pay attention to what I look like anymore. Cute clothes and jewelry are not important. I barely read anymore. I let so much clutter just go because I am overwhelmed and am embarrassed to have people in my house.

      I still try to have my family eat healthy, but it is all so silly when emotionally I am not healthy. Now with the pandemic, all of these emotions of feeling insecure, critical of everything, and just generally angry have come up even more.

  • Nina

    For me, depression is a synonym for emptiness. That string that once tied me together with everyone: snapped. That passion that once motivated me to sit up and enjoy the things I loved: gone. That feeling of knowing what to do in life: lost. And despite this, I don’t really care for it all anymore. Sometimes, I don’t even feel human. Sometimes, I feel like a plastic bag, drifting along on the streets of life with no significant purpose or desire. I don’t feel like ending it. In fact, I’m far from that. Life is fine, not bad. But everything just feels hollow and tiring.

    • Al

      In my early 20s and I’m just constantly fucking sad. I cry for no reason, I can’t discuss my feelings or emotions without blubbering and when combined with my childhood of verbal/physical abuse for expressing emotions or feelings I feel trapped and isolated. My family doesn’t care for me or try to help. I was doing well in college until my grandpa committed suicide and I’ve never come to terms with it. When I reached out to my family for kindness I’ve been rebuffed and called names for feeling sad. They tell me “What do you have to be so bothered by? Why do you have reason to feel sad?” Well I am in debt, I wasted 4 years of college because my parents decided second semester junior year that I was on my own to pay for everything and now I can’t find a decent job to save my life. I have 10k+ in debt, I have plenty of skills, accolades and achievements. I’ve tried my whole life to do everything right and for the last 3 years nothing has gone right. I feel useless and empty and I have no idea what I want in life. Even the question of “What do you /want/ to do?” causes me to burst into tears. My friends are all distant or moved away, all of my college friends don’t talk to me. The only silver lining is my girlfriend and her family but I have to hide my feelings around her family and I feel like I drag her down with how I feel a lot of the time. Its hard. I thought the world was my oyster and then the entire thing came crashing down. Now I just apply to any job to get money just to pay off debt while I live with all of my belongings in the basement of my parents house and now I am getting functionally kicked out because my younger sister is pregnant and needs more space. It feels as though I have no friends, my family has turned their back on me and I have nowhere to go. I think about suicide every single day be it abstract or literal and I have nobody to talk to. I’ve been taught I shouldn’t bother other people with my emotions and feelings because it leads to rejection or abuse and now I just don’t know where to go. I’m lost and I would say I hate how things are but I don’t feel hate I just feel sad. I don’t like my family, I don’t like my situation, I don’t know what to do. I used to have a ton of hobbies and different things but everything now feels empty.

        • Bojack

          I wait for something to change but nothing does
          I go around smiling and laughing and the second I get home all the feelings come rushing into me
          I keep posting about how shitty I feel but who would believe?I wouldn’t believe me i was just laughing and looking like I was having the time of my life
          I feel pathetic for alway complaining and seeming like i was jus being dramatic
          If me myself don’t think my feelings are valid why would they
          I have going in this circle for as long as I remember
          it doesn’t get better it never will
          All I want is to disappear

    • Jonathan Santos

      Wow, I have never been able to explain my self but you have literally spoken for me.. I don’t know if I should worry or not. I feel like with time, I will start to feel purpose.

    • GIA

      i feel the exact same way, i’ve been doing so much research trying to find out what was wrong with me and i came across your comment, which describes me perfectly in the least.

  • Thad

    My name is Thad. I want you to know who I am. I want to tell you who I am and how I feel. I want to stand before you, and let you see me. I’ve never told anyone how I feel, but I want someone to see me. I’m worried. I’m always on edge. It’s like every single thing I do is wrong, and will be the end of the world. Everything. I can’t handle it. I’ve become an emotional recluse, shutting the world out one piece at a time because I cannot handle it. Everyone and everything seems to be against me, and because of that I feel useless. Broken. I’m a detriment to the world. I’m 32, but my age doesn’t matter to me; I could be 80 and close to death and I’d feel the same. I’m male, but that doesn’t matter to me either. I have a wife who I wish felt like a friend instead. I have a home that feels like a house, and a dog who feels like nothing more than a stuffed animal. I don’t know what to do. I’ve had people love me, but I don’t feel it and I don’t know why. Whatever is wrong with me makes me ruin it every time. I was in a relationship for a while that wasn’t actually bad in retrospect, but I couldn’t handle being in it because I felt like everything I did was wrong. I was so stressed about it that I ended things with her. I thought it was her. Then I started dating someone else, and now we’re married. I’m starting to feel that same way. Everything I do, I do wrong. So I stop doing things. Even that is wrong. Now I’m drawing away from my own marriage. I feel like I’m drawing away from myself. I’m the leader of a team of 8 people at work. It’s a relatively new position for me. I’ve worked hard to get here, but everything I do is wrong. Nobody tells me this, it’s just how I feel. It’s how I felt before this position as well. It’s how I felt in school, and how I felt in the military, and how I felt growing up. 32 years, everything I’ve done has been wrong. I’m drawing away from my life, the world, and myself. I don’t want this. I want to be happy, feel successful, have friends, love and feel loved. I want to live, but I don’t know how.

    • I'm somebody.

      Hi Thad, Im reading this post like 4 months later, but I just wanna let you know that it captured my attention. I truly hope that you are doing better. I don’t suffer from chronic depression even though I had been having panic attacks lately, I blame this to hormonal changes. Please look for some therapy or any help. Also vitamin deficiency is a link to depression especially vitamin B and Magnesium. Search for all natural alternatives, it won’t hurt. Sometimes we feel like we are drowning in a glass of water. Many many Blessings to you.

    • Sophie

      I am feeling as though I have depression even though I am happy and myself sometimes, I still feel like I have it because a lot of the time when I’m alone, I feel like there is someone standing behind me like in the shower, waiting to kill me… I’m still only 12 too…… I don’t think I have depression for sure but I really feel like the older I get, the more likely I’m going to get depression… I love my family but they can be very aggravating a lot of the time and I often find myself re-thinking the point of life, and crying myself to sleep, or thinking about how many others have committed suicide… I don’t understand why I can’t just feel normal…

      • Fran

        I love to dance I love to l
        Go have fun but sometimes I feel sad I cry a lot I feel hopeless I feel that I done more harm than good in mylife I ask god to fake this sadness away please u need some one to toke to help

    • Mel

      I can’t get a hold of my crying. I can’t stop the dark thoughts. I have been working with my primary care dr and a psychiatrist and tweaking my meds. I feel good for a bit then I go back downhill again. My hormones are ok, I’ve tried a sugar free, wheat free diet. I just want to crawl under a rock and be alone. I was on a high dose of vitamin d because that was low and can affect your mood. I’m so sick of having to explain myself to my family, friends and my husband. Everyone asks what can i do to help? If i knew the answer to that don’t you think i would clue you in and save us all from this misery? Finding a therapist to trust and that you click with is also a process. This past year has been a nightmare, my husband asked for a divorce out of the blue, during that time my father passed. We ended up working on our marriage through a lot of therapy and he was caught in lies and stepped out on me which needed more repair, I became sick in the fall and didn’t get well until the new year. I feel like I can’t catch a break even though I am doing everything that is asked of me. I exercise, but now I have a torn rotator cuff and need sx. I’m also back to working full time with crazy hours. 1 step forward 2 steps back all the time. I just want to get the crying under control, I’ve never cried this much in my life-god damn where are these freakin tears coming from out of nowhere?

      • justa12yearoldgirl

        I feel the EXACT way. Life is unfair and if you are having depression like me and thinking about committing suicide and have nothing to live for, then live for someone. A celebrity, your favorite person. That helps me. A lot

    • me

      Plenty of people are in bad marriages so I am not even going to start there. But, your dog is not a stuffed animal. That is a living, breathing, FEELING, and completely innocent creature who definitely understands you more than you do him/her. (The fact that humans sometimes train them does not reflect our brilliance, it reflects how eager and willing they are to learn OUR ways just to be part of something.) Humans are the only animal with the capability to possibly care for ALL the other animals on Earth, and yet we do not, we think of them as food or slave-type companions. So take a look at that beautiful creature, and you know what? Tell him or her all you troubles, you might be amazed how they react more kindly than humans, and not understanding your exact words might make it easier for you to do so. And be kind for you get the privilege of being the ruling creature in this life. Amazing that animals other than humans can offer comfort, sometimes more so than your own species. But, then, if you are depressed, I assume you understand why humans fall short. So if nothing else, see that your own horrible emotions are not only experienced by you, but also SENSED by animals who are not human. Maybe you can find a true friend. And, please, take care of that friend.

      • Laura Attwood

        This comment I feel is insensitive. The previous person obviously doesn’t want to feel like his dog is a stuffed animal but depression has done that. And I’ll be honest, I feel that too. Disconnected and wondering maybe if it’s for the best.

        • Deborah

          You’re right, and I wish I’d read more carefully before approving it. The last thing anyone with depression needs it being lectured to.

      • Really?

        It is unkind to shame someone who took the time to be vulnerable and open with their emotions and use a forum like this as your personal soapbox. Animal rights are important, but this is hardly the time, place or conversation that is taking place.

      • PL

        Idk if you’re still reading these posts, I hope so because I wanted to tell you that I appreciated what you wrote about dogs and the suggestion to share troubles with them. I have been in the horror of depression for years. I have a golden retriever who is so sweet, affectionate and gentle it is nothing short of astounding that he could be so wonderful, but he is. I never talk to him about my troubles, but your suggestion was insightful and novel to me. He is here, by my side all the time, looking at me with his soft brown eyes. I bet he does sense the sadness and loneliness that has defined my days. Thank you.

    • cynthia shenita Lee-HarrisOdenn

      It’ll have been where you are just typed a knot and hung in ther do hope you will do the same. Smiley our friend

      cin

    • Laura

      I get you, you’re not alone. Sounds like you’re drowning or been on a treadmill for too long and you’ve collapsed at the bottom, the belt hitting your body as you lay there unable to move as you have no energy and all your motivation has gone dry. Even the guilt that motivates you before is not enough. I get you.

  • Reece Maynard

    I feel as dying wouldn’t be as bad as living in this shitty world, I feel people use me for everything like even good friends that I know wouldn’t normally do that, my thoughts are trapped in my head and I hang out with a lot of different people but I feel no one wants me as a close friend, no one tells me anything and I just feel alone in this broken world

    • Abdi Abdikarim

      Reece Maynard i could relate so much im crying at night dying during the day its so difficult to live in this cruel world the pain burries me. i could relate so much to Reece i can’t ever be happy im so tired and misunderstood plz reply back if you can i hate life.

  • Ethan

    If you’re someone like me, then you’re in much later stages in depression. At this point, you’ve cried so much that you feel nothing anymore. There’s only a small gap between that and suicidal tendencies, and I’m trying as hard as I can to fight that.

  • Mara

    I’m tired, and sleep does nothing to help it. If anything, sleep is simply a short respite where I can lie down and not worry about thinking or wondering if other people are judging me because of how I look or what I wore. I always doubt myself. I don’t feel anything and life is so bleak. In those times when I’m happy, it slips right between my fingers when I realize its there but then it disappears so quickly I have to question if it was even there. I rarely cry, because that just leaves me feeling even more empty, because when you cry away the sadness and there’s no other emotion there, you’re left with the emptiness and nothing to feel. Its hard to get out of bed when I just think I’m going to mess everything up and be a failure. I feel like a poison to everyone I know because it seems like I’ve hurt everyone in one way or another, even when I just wanted to help them. I always think that I’d be better off dead. I am weak and worthless and stupid. The things I’m passionate about are about as pointless as my existence. I can’t eat like I used to. I always yell at myself whenever I eat something, even the smallest snack, and its not like I’m even overweight. I’m hardly 100 pounds. I don’t know why its such a problem. Other times, I feel like I don’t deserve anything. Whether that be food, gifts, my friends, my boyfriend, I often think “I shouldn’t be getting this, this is a mistake, someone else deserves this”. I even think that I’m too incompetent to love correctly, that I can’t express it, and I never take compliments well. I feel like I just take advantage of everything, and I truly don’t mean to. I hate myself and I believe I am a terrible person that needs to be punished. There’s like a voice in my head that tells me these things, and I dont know if its just me telling myself the truth, or what. Sometimes it whispers and sometimes it shouts, and its hard to pull up a smile with that in my head. I feel useless and insignificant and like I don’t matter, that it wouldn’t make the slightest difference if I were here or not tomorrow. Too many times I walk down the hallways at school and l look out the oversized windows on the second floor, thinking about what would happen if I just jump through the glass. Despite my friends and family being there, I feel so alone, all the time. I don’t know if this is just a teenager thing that will go away soon, or if its a real mental illness, either one I’ve developed or one thats passed down through my family. Several of my family members have bipolar depression, and I’ve always wondered if I have that too. I can’t have it, because I am supposed to be the one to actually graduate high school and college, to make a living and be this awesome person, and they put so much pressure on me to do all of these amazing things, and I don’t think I can do it and I’m just going to end up disappointing everyone. I’ve been feeling like this for over a year, and I still question whether or not its really depression. I could merely be sad. I could merely be blowing this way out of proportion. I could merely be asking for attention. I feel lost. I feel like I am asking for attention. I don’t want to be a burden. I don’t know if I’m actually hurting, though it feels like I am. All I know is that I’m tired of feeling this way.

    • Vivian

      Depression sucks. I have this constant belief that I’m just not good enough. I cry almost every night and as I bury myself in my pillows and blankets, I have this pain in my chest which makes it feel like I’m suffocating, and it hurts. I cry and cry myself to sleep only to wake up with swollen lids, puffy eyebags, and dull skin. I withhold everything as I hate having to feel like a burden to my loved ones, but it gets harder as the day goes by. I feel like I’m worthless, not beautiful enough, and not smart enough, and the more I feel these certain way, the more I hurt and consume this vicious feeling of deep pain. There are so many people I love and that’s why I try to make it seem like I’m okay, so they don’t need to worry. But depression consumes me, I get these migraines, chest pain, my arms feel heavy, I get tired but can’t sleep, my body feels weak but can’t stop moving, tears randomly runs down my eyes for no significant reason, and then I always overthink about every negative situation. I don’t know what to do, I want to get better and I want to learn to love myself, but it’s so difficult for me to talk to people about it. There’s one person I trust and love dearly, but I’m afraid to bring it up again and again because I don’t want him to feel trapped, and I don’t want to burden him. I just want to be happy. I just want to enjoy life, but it’s so hard too. I have extremely low self esteem, I have anxiety, extreme nervousness, super introverted and timid, and socially awkward. I just want to be confident, I want to be able to speak to anyone without blanking out or rambling nonsense. I hate being introverted and timid. I also believe that I’m awfully kind to everyone that it concludes in people taking advantage of me or hurting me at the end because of it. I just don’t like how I am and I don’t know how to change it. I don’t know how to get rid of this, anxiety, nervousness, and my timid personality. I don’t even have the appetite to eat anymore or continue a conversation. I do have suicidal thoughts sometimes but I don’t turn it into a reality because I have a lot of travelling dreams (ever since I was a little girl). I want to explore the romantic streets of Paris and wake up next to the man I love every morning. I also want to explore all of Asia with my family and try new food, hike new places, and explore new cultures. I want to better myself and I hope one day that this pain disappears permanently. I hate comparing myself to others (I try not to but I can’t help it), it makes my feel like my body and face isn’t “perfect” enough, and that nothing about me is good. My personality, appearance, intelligence, and just the way I am aren’t good enough. I hate feeling good one second and the next,i cry until I feel like I can’t breathe. Worst feeling ever.

    • Kay

      It does sound like you are facing depression, which is a daunting thing to face, but not one to be ashamed of. Your family believes in you, but I would bet that they care more about your health and well-being than the things you can accomplish and would be happy to support you through this. You are worth the care and attention needed to face and overcome this.

  • Lea

    One minute the day seems normal the next I just feel sad. I try to talk to my mate or my family and i feel like I am not making sense, like I am speaking I another language. I feel like I have been here so long that it has because normal. I feel like people think…oh there she goes again…I can’t seem to connect with anyone. Even old friend, my mate, my mom, my sister…I try to tell them…buy I feel like they don’t need my problems when they have there own. I know people care but I just don’t feel it. I feel lost and sad…all. the. Time. My chest feels heavy. I am anger or irritated at work or turning family event. I tell myself I need to do this…or that. That all is fine. My life is good. I have a home. Food to eat. Someone who loves me. But I still feel like I am alone. When I read it feel like there is a wall of glass between you and the world ….it really it home. Very day. Sometimes I am able to connect but it is so rare…I long to be happy again and feel good about how I am and what I do. To connect with people around me but it just seems hopeless.

  • Meg

    I thought I was getting better. I am half of a pair of twins, both young ladies. We are the youngest in our family, almost 10 years apart from my two older siblings. My mom and dad have a very exhausting and draining life, although they are warriors in strength and faith. The oldest child in our family, my brother, had a lot of trouble with subtly corrupting peers and destructive authority, and eventually was brainwashed by a college professor to run away to the college. He was completely gone from our lives until recently when he graduated and needed money. He left when I was 6, and resumed minimal contact when I was 14. I won’t say much more, but I will say that I can see the crater it bores into my parents, especially my mom, everyday. My mom has always had depression and probably other undiagnosed mental problems (she refuses to spend money on her own care) from traumatic childhood and extreme stress as a constant throughout her life. My brother, I think, made her passively suicidal, although I never noticed until I too developed those thoughts. She has always come across as someone who is doing her best and living on for mainly or only these people: her husband- her anchor on earth and the first person on earth she could rely on without worry; her children- to whom she has a fierce maternal instinct that goes so far as to tear her apart from the inside in her desperate need for them to live the best life they can, and to whom her soul is unraveled torturously in face of her children’s struggles and rejection; and finally and most importantly, God- without Who she has said she would not be here, without Whom she would have long since lost hope, and with Whom she tearfully and desperately relies on, because there’s nothing else she can do. I suppose the older I get, the more my mother’s situation becomes more clear to me and the more guilty I feel for having caused a great deal of trauma and mental damage in my own foolishness and even in things I can’t control, and I wish so strongly to take some of that endless pain from her. I guess she has become a trigger into major depressive disorder episodes, as horrible as that is. The thought of my brother even can make me bawl on great days, too, though. I thoroughly believe my soul will refuse to go to heaven without him going too— for my mom and dad, and all the others who he doesn’t know love him more than their own salvation.

    Now that I’ve embarked on that (albeit relevant) rabbit trial, I’ll get into my own story and reason for being here. Me and my twin sister were a perfect storm for mental illness to brew, since we had genetics on both sides of the family for mental disorders, including our mother. We were born with an obscure disability on the autism spectrum, somewhere between autism and Asperger’s. It’s called Non-Verbal Learning Disorder, or NLD. However, that wasn’t diagnosed until we were almost juniors in high school, and we were thought to be likely neurotypical by everyone until then, which is where other damage and problems inevitably came about as a result of being expected things we were not physically or mentally capable of doing. In elementary school we were both bullied, although it was more in the form of rejection and being disregarded up until 3rd grade. Then it became more cruel and hurtful. I recall being called names constantly, and being teased because I didn’t understand things the way others did and I never got any of their “cool kid” references or pranks. Kids would frequently feign interest and friendship with me and my sister in order to mock us for being so gullible and trusting, and to get more info to use against us. We were bullied for going to church by students AND teachers, and were sometimes called disgusting or incestuous just for being and acting like twins (i.e., holding hands when insecure, always staying together since we had never been apart, and dumber things like sitting together and walking together). The very last year was the catalyst that started two new disorders: sever anxiety disorder and OCD. My sister was manipulated and bullied to the point that she completely fell apart as a functioning human being. It’s hard to describe the change, the absolute lack of reference from anything anywhere for her behavior, and the specific kinds of things that showed us she was no longer the same person. I think the best word to describe her problems is object anxiety and OCD association. As young as we were and unaware of how to cope, there was no way to prevent the downward spiral. I became the punching bag for what used to be my best friend and sister, and I know that I was severely emotionally, psychologically, and even physically abused by her until it lessened by freshman year of high school. I became her bodyguard, her protector, her shield against the world, a stress ball to squeeze and a punching bag to punch when needed, of both my own volition and against it. I wanted to shoulder her burden, to make her better, to unlock the world for her again. But all that ended up doing was adding Major Depressive Disorder into the mix, which ended up being the last ingredient for a perfect storm, and one that has been raging since it came. She kept falling deeper into the hole that opened up underneath her, and I kept jumping down after her to either pull her up or to use myself as cushioning for her fall. It was driving us and our parents into a mental house. One year we went to a camp called The Wilds where my camp counselor talked to me alone after one of the last and most convicting sermons of the week. I firmly believe God talked to me directly through her, and I can still vividly remember the feeling of being yanked from drowning in a stormy sea, from nearly touching the sea bed to breathing the clean air again; the feeling of a huge and crushing weight suddenly being rolled away. For the first time since elementary school I was skipping and singing to my cabin, with a real, not fake-feeling smile that wouldn’t leave my face. But my sister only got worse. There was no counselor to give her the epiphany to rise out of doom, no conviction that was followed through into change. So while I determined to get better so that I could help my family properly, I felt guilt as I knew my sister felt betrayed and abandoned. I was now, to her, becoming one of the people who don’t understand, who don’t know what she’s feeling, or how hard it is. These past few years I’ve given all my strength into trying to inspire her as I was, but ultimately I’ve been forced to accept she may never recover like I have, and she may have to live with our parents the rest of her life. I have watched also, as I matured inwardly more than what other my age would or should be, and how I’ve learned to contain it, since attempting to comfort someone older than you (my mom) or someone struggling more than you (my twin) with y’all that sounds like a therapist is usually more infuriating and “know-it-all sounding” than it can come across like legitimate and experienced advice. That part is also usually rather subdued emotion-wise and calm, which is usually not great in emotional situations. I know I shouldn’t let myself be a martyr and that ultimately I can’t live and recover for my sister or take away my mother’s pain, but it still eats away at me just the same. Oh, there’s so much more I could say about my sister, so much more I could say about my family, the trauma we’ve suffered and the way people have used and abused us, the few (2) friends who have been such a massive relief and source of love and support, the anxieties and the specifics of the years as my family dealt with the severe mental illness that spiked up and down through the years, the ups and downs and coping and the mistakes, but I’ve practically written a stream-of-consciousness book as it is. So here’s where I’ll bring it back.

    I thought I was getting better. I thought that now I was someone who could focus on saving others instead of myself. I thought that I had finally left the darkness for the light. Yet here I am, sitting on the floor alone feeling like I’m being suffocated, like I’m being waterboarded. Like my body is somehow being magnetized to the earth’s core, and my being is being pulled there by it. Like there’s no hope, no chance for breath, no chance for a break before we ourselves break. I firmly, even on good days, believe that a ton of problems would be solved if I had never been born, although there’s no possible way to undo that. I would never attempt suicide, although I have tried many times when I was younger—my mom caught me once and the scene that resulted made me determine to never end my own life— because I know that would probably end up with my family following suit, one by one, until those left were broken beyond repair and hope. But I do regret my life, and I have no qualms taking punishment. At the same time I know nothing good will come of sitting to myself wishing in vain for the damage I have made in the world to be undone, and the best I can do is soldier forward, if only for those I love, as much as it hurts to do so. And yet here I am today making the same exact mistakes I have been making, word for word and action for action, since elementary school, unable to differentiate what is my mental illness and what is plain old laziness and disobedience/deception and pathetic-ness. Still making my mom cry when she sees how little I have accomplished and how unmotivated my illness has made me. I’m a broken, pitiful, deadbeat who is dragging others down with me. I thought I had escaped my horde of demons, but I had only outran them, and when my guard was down they returned, hungry and howling. December and January are the worst months of the year for my entire family, and this year it seems almost impossible to bear. I don’t know what to do to be strong and productive for my family, to cut off my brain’s constant stream of debilitating tv static and DO SOMETHING, to give them relief. Right now I can’t stop it, and I’m useless. I keep trying to rely on God like all these amazing testimonies and stories and verses talk about and profess of success, but as much as I pray for forgiveness and help, I can’t see or hear His answer, and as much as I try to get back to being close with Him, the situation is always stronger and louder than my feeble ability to hear His voice. Not to mention that my only prayer for the past decade has been to bring my brother back to a relationship with Him, to ensure my brother is destined for joyful eternal life in heaven, it seems more and more like God just doesn’t care about him. I don’t know what else to think. I don’t know what moves to make if I must do something, since I might lose him for good, and I have not seen any signs that God wants him back, and it is making it hard for me to have any faith at all. I don’t even have it as bad as others, but it’s still so hard. And outside of my family, the world is constantly falling apart, and mankind is constantly tearing each other to pieces and everything is so confusing and gray. I just want some peace, but there doesn’t seem to be any that will come before it’s too late.

  • hermione

    i wish things would go back to the way it used to be. i don’t feel like I’m the same person anymore. I’m not trying to be a cliche’ or any of that shit, but things have changed so quickly. i used to know exactly who i was and what i wanted to do with my life, and now I’m not even sure my life is worth living. i remember last year, in 6th grade when i could practically see it in my face that i had depression or something similar, because a regular 11 year old didn’t think the way i did, or spoke the way i spoke, or found beauty in things that were considered flawed to the general public and the rest of society. I’m now twelve and i realize, i don’t think i had depression, but maybe now i have it. i used to be so scared of becoming a bad person. a person who didn’t “feel”.
    a person who didn’t care anymore.
    a person who had given up!
    a person who acted on rage instead of passion.
    long story short, i used to be afraid of who i was going to be, because i am slowly but surly starting to match these descriptions. i was so scared of becoming this empty husk of a being, but now… now it too late.
    i would say I’m scared of who I’ve become, but I’m not, and that is part of why i say I’m “unfeeling”. i say it because I’m no longer filled with fear, happiness, a hope that maybe things will get better for people like i am now. now, i just feel empty, and sad, and angry; but these emotions are all shallow. they don’t seem to be directly connected to ME anymore, but someone else. its like a puppet show, where the puppets are just there to show action while the puppeteer narrates. i feel like i don’t have control over things. I’m just empty and fine with it. i guess i still do “feel”, but like i said, it doesn’t seem genuine. it feels like its muscle memory to be angry, and sad, and i have to remember to smile and use my manners. those were all things that used to come naturally to me. not anymore i guess. i also just don’t FEEL like I’m getting heard, and listened to carefully. i can’t even remember the last time that after a fight with my parents or my sister where someone has come over to me, comforted me, told me things would work out if i believed they would,& really deeply just took in what i have to say without wondering WHAT WAS WRONG WITH ME! but oh well. see! i can just shrug things like that off now. i don’t even care, and i mean it!
    this shit used to scare me so bad that i would cry until my tear glands dried up. now i don’t even give it a second thought which was what used to scare me. and now, i am alone.

    if you know how to help, and i am desperate. my email is below; and, yes i am aware that its not smart to put one’s e-mail up on the internet, but i know i need help, so please don’t abuse my desperation through spam e-mails or other stupid shit. just help.
    colettesieder@gmail.com

  • Renee

    My dear fellow strugglers, thank you so much.I know very well that sharing these feelings is not easy, mostly because it feels like a enormous although useless effort..but reading your comments made me cry very hard, and suddenly the deep sadness came to the surface, where only feelings of numbness and tiredness were.Perhaps I cried more out of self pity than compassion for this deep pain we all share, but nonetheless I feel less alone, wich might as well be called a miracle,because amongst the self loathing and selfish thoughts of death has arisen a slight feeling of gratefulness, and so of light in the dark nothingness that is my constant compagnon. I sincerely wish you luck in battling this demon that is depression, and that love may find it s way back to you 🙂

  • Nothing Nguyen

    It just started a few days ago, somehow everytime I think of something,I just start crying, for no reason, it’s not sad or anything I just cried. I watch sad drama everytime and I don’t really cry when I watch them but now somehow it just make me cry so much. I don’t know what is wrong with me I just feel sad all of a sudden.

    • Scott

      I feel sad, hopeless, empty, useless and unwantable. I feel that I would be holding someone back and ruining their life by emotionally involving them in my life. I have in the past been bullied and have never felt good about myself
      Ihave now lost both my parents and the dog too. I generally feel sad, numb and unwantable, but don’t want to die, I just don’t want to live either.

  • Dylan

    I was with a girl for 2 years deeply and madly in love with her but she had trust issues and previous abuse issues that constantly got in our way and it started making me feel like I wasnt good enough or worth her full love anyways that idea made me trapped in making her happy removing people from life cutting friends off very toxic relationship due to the trust issues either way we finally decided to try therapy for her and take a small break before moving back in together she stated she loved me and a few days later she blocked me and I found out she had been going to bars with men and had let me go me being deep in love real love I was gullible and let her string me along on the idea that she loved me and things would work out a week after she left to america and got into a relationship with another man a few days before she left she met in secret with me and told me she loved me and held me and ect ect then I find out 4 or 5 days later her true intent and the depression kicked in majorly she wanted to move away and had been stating she wanted space and not to be with anyone that she needed to learn to love herself but it was all lies to soften the inevitable blow she was giving me, now I can barely sleep there is a constant aching weight in my chest and an obsessive mind still somehow attached to our connection that feels like its bleeding. I want to die but I want to live, when im alone with my thoughts they dont stop thinking about her and the pain everything sucked I tried making myself laugh but for weeks Its been faked like im numb yet invisible fighting an unseen battle under my skin my head feels heavy and its hard to breath sometimes im doing my best now to forgive accept and move on but the memories and how we wanted to marry and have kids just to be lead on and left so quickly realizing the love wasn’t real for her destroys my emotions and the chemicals in my head making me feel this are evil I crave happiness again it makes me feel so worthless even when others point out what they like about me im constantly reminded of how I wasnt enough and that my anger got the best of me I forgave a lot but what she did to me I can only try my best to forgive and move on and grow and love myself once again like I used too

    • me

      Dude, you said toxic. Period. Toxic. Hitler was toxic, he had a bad childhood and yet he CHOSE to become TOXIC. Do not pity toxic people. They are adults. They are responsible for their actions. You got fooled. It’s ok. Almost everyone gets fooled at some point. Look up logic. Use logic. It isn’t cold, it is comforting. Logic will tell you that you need not think of this anymore as long as you do not repeat the same mistake bc that is illogical. People with trust issues sometimes are not ever ever ever going to be any good. Some will. But, some are damaged and choose to allow themselves to remain damaged. Learn the difference. Never ever mourn the loss of someone who is better left in your past. That is a good thing. The alternative wouldn’t be a fairy tale. The alternative is that you would be stuck in a never ending trap trying to please someone who is psychologically damaged to the point that they will never be a good influence in a relationship. It is painful, but life did you a favor, bc now you are free. Free is better than trapped. (I have no idea how I got to this website but I felt compelled to type this before I exit bc I know I was once here, but I am not here anymore. I do not allow people unworthy of my attention to affect me anymore. And that is what you need to do with this girl. Sorry, but she is better off far, far away from you. And try to be attracted to balanced women from now on, not some damaged little thing that needs your help (HINT : you cannot help them, it is a damaging illusion that plays to your own psychological issues. Fix yourself so that you are a man who wants a HEALTHY woman. Until then, you are doomed, sorry. (And by the way, I am female. A female with a past that could define me as troubled, damaged, untrusting, etc, cliche crap. That does not always come across in my anonymous statements since I am totally against being a victim in the present tense.)

  • kevin

    Hi I am an older male and this is how depression affects me. I used to feel happy, excited over many things, the coming of spring, a nice sunny day, planning for a trip, seeing my grandchildren working on my hobbies. then my life changed dramatically I know longer felt excitement the seasons came and went (no real feelings), now I have to push myself to go to work I have no feelings except for sadness and anger, I keep doing things that used to make me feel excited but now theres nothing, no tv programs i like to watch nothing pleasurable to fill my day, I am existing only, its hard to describe this to others, I would much rather have a physical injury or illness. I tried medication the last one was effexor but it took away my only two emotions of sadness and angry it made me an emotional eunuch. My wife does not understand, doctors really do not understand and they feel uncomfortable talking to me about depression and are quick to prescribe medications and do no follow-ups. people say that there more tolerance and they are more open minded but many still feel that you can just snap out of it. I found it very difficult and embarrassing to get help and still feel there a stigma associated with mental illness.

  • Joel

    Some times it feels like I don’t make a mark in this world let alone anyone I know. I always feel like if I don’t shine or do something amazing I will be forgotten. I always try and keep my self from losing my grip on things. But, I keep it all bottled up only letting out small trickles of sadness to my significant other.

    I just feel like i’m alone and no one will hear me no matter what I say or do. That is why I get easily angered when I am brushed off or told, “You’re overreacting”

    My family is poor and whenever I hear that we won’t have utilities or groceries and worse rent not being paid I want to cry but I can’t I have to “suck it up” It’s in my nature to worry and I am doing my best to get through college and not be poor. I just feel like nothing will change and I will remain poor.

    All these worries and feelings I have are unnerving and I never know if I can tell anyone because I don’t want to feel like a burden to anyone. But I feel like I die a little inside each time I have to withhold things.

    Thanks for listening.

    • EveAnna

      This is what my depression looks like:

      2ships, 3:12 PM
      Thanks for the flowers emojis

      2ships, 5:44 PM
      Thank you

      2ships, 5:45 PM
      I don’t want to take the risk that you might change your mind later

      2ships, 5:45 PM
      I’m sorry

      2ships, 5:45 PM
      I can’t

      2ships, 5:50 PM
      It’s been a huge struggle to get you to this place….

      2ships, 5:50 PM
      I can’t bear to think about you changing ur feelings or becoming unhappy with me

      2ships, 5:51 PM
      It’s better not to

      2ships, 5:52 PM
      I just can’t bear it

      2ships, 5:54 PM
      That’s how my first marriage ended and I could never survive that

      2ships, 5:54 PM
      Again

      2ships, 5:57 PM
      I want you to be happy

      2ships, 5:57 PM
      I don’t ever want you to be unhappy or feel less passion and desire I don’t want you to lessen

      2ships, 5:58 PM
      I don’t want to disappoint you

      2ships, 6:02 PM
      It’s horrific to lose your family to unhappy marriage/divorce

      2ships, 6:02 PM
      I just couldn’t bear it

      2ships, 6:03 PM
      And seeing your interest and love dwindle away from us

      2ships, 6:03 PM
      And you can’t predict those things you said

      2ships, 6:08 PM
      The dr gave me another pill I can take as needed so I will just take it

      2ships, 6:19 PM
      I used to see that in you and it gave me hope

      2ships, 6:19 PM
      Please don’t sacrifice your precious time with your beautiful joyful gentle ypungest

      2ships, 6:29 PM
      I know people shouldn’t expect unconditional love everlasting from anyone
      I just couldn’t survive another

      2ships, 6:32 PM
      I’m cursed with being too emotional but the dr says it doesn’t have to be that way. But I stilll am better off alone. My mother could not love me. My grandparents struggled to love me. I was not able to keep a husband. I am better off highly medicated and focusing on my career we will see if that is a success

      2ships, 6:38 PM
      Due to early childhood experiences I was left emotionally damaged and you yourself said that your friend wouldn’t tolerate me that is not u common. I am better off by myself. I am hard to love.

      2ships, 6:40 PM
      I am terrified of any negative outcome from any form of intractable and always have been.

      2ships, 6:40 PM
      I can’t go any further in this relationship and I realize it is too dangerous to continue

      2ships, 6:41 PM
      I’m sorry

      2ships, 6:55 PM
      You deserve more

      2ships, 7:16 PM
      For you to say that you want me in your home… reminds me of the “what are we going to do with EveAnna” theme of where should I go after my daddy passed. Tipton, boarding school, family. It seemed no one had any ideas of what to do with me after he passed. What once seemed natural and without thought, now there were so many options talked about all of them seemed like possible “solutions like except continuing life the way it had been. With my dad having passed my grandparents we’re “free” to find a “solution” for my solo existence.

      2ships, 7:18 PM
      I begged to keep things the same. Which was allowed under “conditions” homelife life now seemed artificial and fragile.

      2ships, 7:18 PM
      I can’t survive that again.

      2ships, 7:21 PM
      If I expressed too much sadness (crying) or anger (yelling) I would not be tolerated in their home. There was so much sadness and anger inside of my grieving for the loss of my dad…daily. I was not a lot to expresses any of it. That’s when I first recall my repetitive prayers for merciful death.

      2ships, 7:23 PM
      I wasn’t allowed to grieve and I’m sure that where some of the emotional instability comes from.

      2ships, 7:24 PM
      I have a hard time communicating the in between feelings. The once between awareness and deep sorrow or anger. I’m sorry.

      2ships, 7:24 PM
      I’m sorry

      2ships, 7:25 PM
      It would have been most merciful to euthanize me

      2ships, 7:26 PM
      My whole life I’ve been trying to prove to everyone that I am normal or at least CAN BE normal.

      2ships, 7:27 PM
      In my 20s if not not normalacy then undeniably creative

      2ships, 7:39 PM
      It doesn’t matter

      2ships, 7:40 PM
      I’m embarrassed for taking your time

      2ships, 7:40 PM
      I will remove myself

  • FUCK YOU

    RANDOM GOOGLE SEARCH BLAH BLAH. HOSPITAL MEDICATION FAMILY MOTHER FATHER NOTHING WHO CARES. NO JOB WHO CARES NO NOTHING WHO CARES JUST WANT TO KILL MYSELF AND ANYONE NORMAL WHO CARES

  • Filia Neptuno

    Where do I start? I’ve tried to explain I before, I can really only describe it a few ways though…

    It’s like your drowning and people are talking to you under the water and you can’t really hear them and they annoy you because you can’t hear them. And you can’t seem to learn how to swim or even float no matter how hard you try and you feel like a failure and you come to the conclusion you can’t do anything yourself and that you are horrible- it continues until the waters embrace feels so good you just want to let go…

    But someone is holding a hand out underneath the surface now, and they’re offering it to you. “Grab it!” They seem to say “I’ll pull you out”

    And you reach for it only to find your A little to far to grab it and you struggle forward because you want to be normal and you want to be like everyone else- to not have to wear a mask with a fake smile.

    And you grab their hand some how and they pull you above for the first taste of air you’ve had since you can remember and you continue to constantly want more, so you fight until you have all the air you could want.

    Only to slip and fall back beneath the water. Feet no longer on solid ground…

    My friend once described it as;

    “Depression sucks. Its just this never ending sadness that follows you everywhere. Its like this big, dark demon that holds you by the edges of your lips and refuses to let you truly smile. And it’s like you’re trying so hard to get that demon to let go so you can ask for someone to help, its like it’s drowning you and your struggling for air and he’s just pushing you further and further down into this dark body of water until you suffocate. And if you’re lucky, you can hold your breath long enough to float back up and breathe, but some people aren’t lucky enough to swim up from those demons. ”

    I have a bit of advice now, I know it says no advice above but I think it’s ok… cause it’s more poetic advice that I hope aspires hope within all who read this…

    “You can make it through this, your stronger than you know yourself- I know you don’t want to believe me right now- but you can do this.

    You have just found your demons and they all have taken on the appearance of dragons. You know exactly how to banish them, but you need a sword to banish them… But you don’t yet have the materials to build that sword.

    Take these words I give you and begin to craft your sword. You may only need a few months to craft that sword or you may need a few years. Either way every compliment, every gift, every achievement, is put into that sword until it’s strong enough to fight those dragons

    But for now I want you to march down to the kitchen like the princely-soldier/knight you are and I want you to collect some snacks for your journey.. and you must eat some now for strength…

    And then you take all of the compliments you can think of, all the happy memories, everything good. And you write them out and build your sword.

    And when your sword begins to fall apart, and you think you can no longer ward off the demons you read through the book. The book that now holds the description of your siblings innocent smiles, your pride in graduating kindergarten, the taste of the chocolate cake at your best friends party…

    Leave all the bad things behind, you siblings now smile sadly? The book DOSENT want to know leave that out and write the way the smile looked and maybe even why it was there. So you fell down and scrapped your knee the day before graduation and couldn’t wear the dress you’d wanted? No, tell about INSTEAD the pride you felt in your accomplishment, did you get something special because of it? You aren’t best friends with them anymore? Don’t bring it up, relish in the good times and the party games you played then

    Write another book composed of the story’s of pent up anger and sadness. But you lock that book away and only bring it out when you have more to write that book is the one you confine your fears and tears in.

    This is where your demons go.

    My words may have only given you a knife to slay your dragons, but allow the words of others and the happiest memories to build it into a sword.”

    So you need to make that sword, and you need to build it sturdy… I have faith in you- even if you don’t have it in yourself…

  • Ashley

    I recently traveled to Turkey on a vacation with my family. I had such a good week there, but on the flight back home this empty feeling just took over. There was this guy working on the hotel, that I never had a conversation with, but the only thing I want with my life is to go back, and meet him for real. When I think of my future it is grey and to me it will end up as a black hole. I go to a school where I was so happy to be – before. Now the thought of starting my old life again is so hard to process, simply because it’s something I really don’t want to. Right now I’m stuck in my room, watching this cooking series, and doing NOTHING. When my parents tell me there’s dinner, all i want to do is, to bring it to my room, because I just want to be alone. I have never had a depression, so I don’t know if that is what this is, or if I’m just sad for leasing a vacation, trying to start up my old life. But I’ve never been so sad, and never cried so mich about my situation as i do now 🙁

  • Makayla

    so lately i’ve been worried about myself. i’d say the last 6 months i’ve been worried about myself deeply. i’ve had all of the symptoms stated ever since I was 14, but like I said lately i’ve been noticing that i’m not ok, I want to get help but I know I will face criticism, & that will make things worse & I don’t want things to get worse. I have 0 emotion, yet i’m always gloomy. I can’t smile, I can’t be happy or laugh, idk what is wrong, so I finally looked it up & have all of these symptoms. I listen to music constantly though, it seems to help me alot. it is a relief to know I possibly have depression, but it sucks. I never knew i’d get like this

  • Bryan

    now that i have read some of these posts, i feel like i now understand what am going through.Am always hopeless,lonely, tired, moody, angry, feeling worthless in front of anyone as they even don’t wanna see me, i don’t even have the exact words to describe how I feel. just so tired og everything around me. I’ve been murstarbating every day for the last 10 years if i can remember, I don’t know, it’s the only thing I feel like doing to cater for my emotions and thoughts.I don’t even remember having a friend/s for the last decade,I have poor memory,concentration and just to lazy to work on anything. I overeat and sometimes just experience complete loss of appetite and right now,i don’t even see myself anywhere in the next couple of years.

    • Kristine

      Thad, I know I’m a year late and a dollar short. I just hope you are happy and have found peace. Love is relative so I’m sending you love peace and light

  • Sarah

    This has helped me realise I AM depressed. I had a bad episode of dep last year- profound sadness especially Sunday afternoons,frequent anxiety attacks that left me sweating, and a world covered in shimmering grey… I did not want to see anyone. Mixing with people was painful- I felt like an outsider all the time. Then I was better,( with help of Ginsormin),but now I just feel helpless, nothing to hope for, bouts of low grade anxiety… that’s depression, too of another kind… Been reading a bit about reliefs.. going to try cod liver oil. I do not want to stay in this state for the rest of my life

  • hannah

    To me it feels like constant drowning into nothing and I always feel to drained of energy to live life and have any emotions whatsoever.At the end of the day its always easier for me to not feel anything than feeling all the pain inside me.I have felt so numb for months now.I feel isolated from the world and completely lonely even if I´m with people…I have nobody to talk to about this, which ,at this point, is all I ask for.All I want is one real friend who I can trust and talk to without them screwing me over and judging me. But I don’t have that friend that I so desperately need and my anxiety of talking to anyone surely doesn’t help me make friends. There is no-one I can talk to about my problems and I don’t see another way out unless…well…death…but I couldn’t go that far, even if I want to.Its not like I haven’t tried cutting but I don’t want anyone to see my scars and ask me about it, because I simply can’t talk about it.

  • Chloe

    I’ve been dealing with these feelings for years now. I am not diagnosed with depression although I have been experiencing these symptoms for a while now. Some days I have absolutely no motivation to get out of my bed, I feel sad, irritated with just about everyone, I have this constant worry that no one actually likes me and that none of my friends ever want to hang out with me, not to mention that I just get so mad at myself that I start to hate myself. Some days it’s just too hard for me to get out of bed, I usually will just lay there, feeling empty. I just feel like I have nothing good to offer in this world sometimes and I just don’t know what to do.

  • france

    i feel like i cant even describe what i feel like
    i feel like someone close to me has died, ive never experienced a death in the family but i imagine it feels like this
    my best friend decided she wanted nothing more to do with me and my boyfriend decided he doesnt feel the same way about me, and i feel like im never going to find anyone again
    i thought i was getting better
    i feel like substances will hide my feelings but it really just makes everything so much more unbearable and forces me into an emotional relapse again
    i forget how bad i react with drugs
    i feel like ive never really been happy. i dont know. im scared. i have a lot of anxiety attacks but the strange thing is i dont get an overwhelming fear of dying but rather of living. like im terrified to be alive. i cant tell if its a nice day or not because even tbough the sun is shining and the sky is cloudless and the birds are singing, the sky looks grey and i cant tell if im crazy or if it is really grey
    i dont know if its seasonal, the situation, a major episode, my period or the drugs too but when i stay away from drugs nothing improves. i forget that while nothing improves, everything gets worse under the influence.
    i feel so alone.
    i feel like a burden to everyone for being sad all the time and i feel the need to genuinely apologise for it even though i know its not my fault, but it causes others issues. im at the point where im so frequently tearful nobody really checks up on me anymore because they expect it from me
    im just really sad and im scared its not going to end because its been 4 months and i really dont know how much longer i can go on like this

  • Just Some Girl

    I don’t really know if I have depression, but it’s the only thing that can describe what I’m feeling right now an for the past few weeks. What I’m feeling is like I’m uninterested in anything anyone says, I want to be alone but I also want someone to relate to(but I can’t because I’m scared of how they might react), it feels like an elephant is sitting on my chest 24/7 and I’m losing my appetite. I used to eat a lot but now I’m skipping meals and eating less and less as the days go by. I always have headaches and everyone seems to make me mad nowadays and it’s not okay for me to blow up on my family members the way I do. Are their any ways to help stop depression without going to my parents and speaking about it?

  • Leanne

    I went through a bad depression about 25 years ago and with medication I came out of it. About a month ago it hit me like a ton of bricks. I prayed I would never feel like this again. The anxiety is the worst part. I feel like I swallowed a vibrator that I can’t turn off. I worry about everything especially money. I just count down the hours till I can take a (prescription) sleep aid and go to sleep. I sleep about 6 hours and wake up with the worst feeling and horrible anxiety and the the vicious cycle starts again. It’s a constant feeling of hopelessness and despair. I would not wish depression on anyone.

  • Sophia

    I’m experiencing some depression, well I think it is or it is just a horrible part of my life I am going through right now. Everything has changed and I feel uncomfortable. I moved in with my boyfriend a couple of months ago and left my mother which I am so close with. My mother has depression which made it x10 worse leaving her as she relied on me, since I have moved out I constantly worry about her, she hasn’t been sleeping, eating much or anything. I’ve also started a new job as a carer and I am so unhappy because I just know it’s not what I want to do for the rest of my life, I don’t know I just feel trapped like I’m waiting for the pay check and oh yay it’s another month of working in a nightmare. I hate the staff they are all so 2 faced and it’s just not a nice place to be. I left college last July and since then I hardly socialise with anyone, I just feel so alone. My partner isn’t back from work till 7.30pm and somedays I work afternoons and nights which means I’m in allll day trying to kill time and forget how crap my life actually is. I go the the gym to make me feel better but I always seem to binge which makes me feel better but makes the situation worse. I used to be so fit and so strict with eating healthy which I used to enjoy. Now I feel like I have no interest in it all anymore or nothing is worth it. I feel lost really lost and I don’t know what road to go down. I’m only 19 and I think I wasn’t ready to move out. The most depressing thing is I feel like I’m living life as an older woman, always cleaning, working all the time and isolating myself (I also have a social anxiety disorder which makes it harder for me) I really don’t know what to do.

  • Sierra

    I feel like everything is hopeless and there’s no real reason for any of us to be alive. I constantly feel like there’s like a monter or ghost idek trying to get me. I can’t walk outside at night and it’s even growing into the day. My body is always low on energy and in pain and everyone has become annoying and almost intolerable. I’ve been loosing portions throughout my day like I don’t care enough to remember, someone will tell me to do something and I either don’t do it or do it wrong because I just don’t remember. Everything feels fake and it’s like I’m watching the world as a tv and i almost forget I’m actually in certain places or at school and it’s not just a movie like oh yea this is real life. I struggle in school now when I used to be an A student; it’s just F after F. I can’t talk anout this cause no one understands. Everyone tells me to just change my perspective but I can’t. This is how everything is everyday. I’m completely irritated by any noise but for some unknown reason I have this constant ringing in my head that never goes away and the quieter it gets the louder the ringing is and I just want to rip it out. I just can’t stand anything.

  • Jessica

    I don’t know if people are still posting on here but i have been feeling down for a bit now. like im alone, sad all the time and all i want to do is cry for no reason. i use to listen to music as an escape from life but now, i listen to music and it doesn’t feel the same. i try to listen to my favorite artist and nothing. its like im just there.i don’t feel like eating, i know i have to and i do but. i see it as something i have to do. there are moments in which i think im fine and i feel like everything is back to normal then the next second im lost and i want to cry and cry. i try to keep my mind busy by going to the gym, reading,work, school, watching tv, or pretty much anything that will distract me but when i stop for a second then im back to feeling that way. that’s no me, i don’t want to keep feeling like there is no more hope left or that life sucks. i just want to be me again.

  • Nick

    i have lost interest in everything i thought i liked, i’ve been living a fantasy for so long and living a life that i can’t even call life. i find only sleep the best part of my day, im so miserable and so lonely. i see nothing in the future for me, it all seems so hopeless i’ve been sleeping in class because i can’t get enough sleep and plus whats the point? i will become a huge lowlife that won’t succeed in anything. the only thing i enjoy is watching films. i don’t want to socialize with anyone at all. i feel no enthusiasm in anything, nothing really cheers me up, always got a blue face, i can’t even make a convincing smile.

  • Jsanch

    For me, it just feels like I cannot find any reason to feel joy. Everything seems so meaningless. I feel like I am all alone, kind of like I am always in the bathroom- very isolated, cold, alone, and private. I guess everyone just envisions it differently. I also feel so empty and like I have no one that I can trust or that is there for me. It ends up making me think about the meaning of life and I can never find one. Life seems too repetitive and every single thing seems so meaningless. I also feel so unmotivated and avoid things due to this.

  • Katherine

    I don’t have the urge to cry, but mostly everything else is definitely me. Substance use, feeling completely pointless and like I am a joke. I’m lonely and the last man I was interested in was lying to me and seeing another woman and somehow it went bad because of me. I still can’t quite figure that one out. All I want to do is sleep. I don’t want to go to work and I am normally a very social person but have stopped all social activities. I really don’t expect any responses from this post, but maybe, just maybe, I’ll feel better just by clicking the submit button.

  • SHefali

    I’ve never related myself to anything as much as I did with whatever you’ve mentioned. But, how to fix this? how to go ahead like this?

  • SS

    For me personally, depression feels like a warm, fuzzy, heavy blanket warming my chest, sometimes shoulders, making me want to just go to sleep again and again. It also doesn’t feel at all negative for me. I’ve had depression since I was somewhere between six and eight years old, and I’m now in my teens, so it’s a familiar and sometimes welcome feeling. Depression has a way of quietly convincing you it’s your friend, and also tries to make it so that it’s your only friend. It manipulates your thinking into these negative things, bringing up cringe-worthy memories and reminding you of every failure, never letting you smile at a memory. You sometimes feel like constantly crying for little to no reason at all, and sometimes you start taking it out on yourself one way or another. The people close to you may or may not know, and either way it feels horrible and you’re never happy with either option. You just want to feel happy for longer than a few seconds or minutes. You want to go to a theme park and feel happy and giddy hours or even days after the trip, and you don’t. That’s what I feel with my depression, even as I take my meds, but it’s not the end, no matter how bad it may get. Maybe your life is hell constantly, maybe you’re poor and struggling, maybe you’re the average joe, or even some rich man’s kid, who knows. What I do know is that depression isn’t a choice. Your life could be perfect, with unicorns and rainbows and whatever else, but if you have depression, those rainbows and unicorns will seem dull, almost grey-scale in your eyes, because you can’t seem to enjoy them. Don’t judge someone for being depressed, or crying a lot, or not enjoying something. Sometimes they don’t have a choice.
    Sorry for the long paragraph
    SS

  • Kimberly

    Yes, I feel suffocated and detached – like everything around me is in grey. I feel like I will go the rest of my life without knowing what it would be like to experience real happiness, as any time something good happens to me, I can’t help but feel hesitant about it – like I don’t deserve it. A feeling of impending doom.

    I feel like everyday, I’m just going through the motions. Sometimes, I’ll start thinking that maybe things aren’t so hopeless after all – maybe I can pick up a new habit, or maybe I can try making some do-able SMART goals to change some parts of my life RIGHT NOW. But then, sooner or later those thoughts go away, I can’t sustain them, and I’m back to drowning in this reality, with what feels like less strength than I had before.

    But what’s weird is that I also feel like depression and anxiety are just who I am – like without them, I’d be a completely different person, but I’d lose what makes me ME. I do appreciate that I’m a very reflective person (even though sometimes I reflect on things too much, to the point where I begin dissecting and worrying about them), and I like that I can analyze things internally without simply jumping to conclusions – I take in all sides.

    But then again, for the most part I’m not sure that I even KNOW who I am. I’m devoid of personality, and indecisive. Hopeless. I feel like I need someone else to guide me through life – a mentor, or a sensei. It’s just so hard doing this alone…

  • RandomGirl

    What if I only feel people are annoying sometimes,too self-conciuos,no confidence,suddenly cry with no reason,don’t don’t feel like leaving my house?

  • Littah

    The only way I can describe depression is on-going, like a path with no destination. You used to find the world beautiful, but now it’s merely a place where you have to tolerate until prince death wisks you away. You used to think of death as darkness, something to avoid; since life is darkness, maybe death is the same- minus the hopeless bullshit of those fake smiles or those people who still expect you to be the extroverted life you used to be, minus that melancholy feeling when your trying to be the person you used to be- but it doesn’t feel like you’re floating on clouds like before, now in feels you’re staring at your bedroom with that grey solumn feeling of darkness that you always feel, like your wings have been snapped, like you never knew of the concept of gravity until now because you feel like you’re sinking in a hole. Smiling feels weirdly unnatural. The world has no more wonder. Maybe if this happens, this feeling will go? It happens- you still feel the same… the sadness lingers, maybe it’s apart of me now. You know it’s the end when you find yourself taking risks without a second thought; this body I’m trapped in is worthless, let my soul float through space. Physicality is a desease. I’m melting.

  • Rufus Tundermill

    Every morning i wake up i have no feelings or ambitions. I cannot get up and start the day in a reasonable amount of time, i don’t even have a day to start i haven’t been leaving the house for anything really in over 5 months. I want to cry and let all the pain out but i cannot. All these ideas run through my head everyday of why i can’t do this why i can’t do that, once i catch myself thinking that negatively i try and make it better and think of something i could do to help myself but i can never take that next step. I don’t want to be lazy, i want to get up and go do things but i can’t. the idea of ending it crosses my mind everyday but i rather sit here and wither away than end it, i don’t think my family would ever recover if i did something that serious. I have so much love to give this world and the people that inhabit it but i can’t seem to show them my feelings, i can’t express myself at all. I don’t know who I am

  • to the core

    my kind of depression relates to social life and a job with lack of passion…

    social life
    – i have social-phobia, scared of what other people think of me when they first met, their negativity towards me, if i irritate them and not kind enough… im not good in social nor making and keeping friends.. i have few friends.. im not good at groupie.. and i always withdraw myslf from a group or a good friend.. this has put me in a depression until today.. which somehow opposites to my childhood life..

    passionate in career/job
    – personally i took the wrong job when i started my career.. the place was promising.. and i tot of challenging myself to be a good writer.. i ended up hating it.. as i did not know how to manage the work.. till it made me depressed up to 4 years.. i easily fell sick, i had no mood to go to work, i hate the place, the people, the bosses etc… i felt that everyone was against me.. which it wasnt since depression took over my happiness…

    depression had taken over my life.. i was alone.. was afraid to voice out my opinion.. talking to people.. depression is not a good feeling at all.. i feel the pain inside my chest.. and always makes you cry w/o reason.. you are unable to express yourself..

    but im getting over these two things.. slowly.. and it’s progressing and people obviously see me happier than before.. i somehow.. slowly treating myself to get over this depression.. tho sometimes i cry alone…..

  • angel

    life is a bitch … but i ll fight for it cuz i believe that nothing lest forever , yeaah i think i’m that hopefull person ; we go down sometimes but we deserve to live , we’r here for a reason a believe that too ; everybody have problemes but u need to move on so u can bre ath ;think everything have a key u just need to find that key ..

  • Private

    Depression is such a horrible disease. It gives me near constant terrible headaches which feel like a pressure. It causes me to feel in a daze a lot. And the pain..I can barely lift my arms because I feel like a weight is on them. The world seems like it has slowed down if I look outside at the world and my world is like I’m in a cave, or inside a bubble..a bubble of drowsiness and emptiness. Evenings and night times are VERY painful as the darkness is heavily triggering for some reason. Something about the quietness and black causes psychological pain.

  • Michele Swanson

    I never realized how many of you are suffereing like me. It sort of helps to know this. The wrong therapist can do such damage to sensitive souls like us- so PLEASE be careful and listen to your inner self. There are those that can help- but be careful they are few and far between.
    There has to be a beginning to get better. Take small steps until you feel comfortable right? Maybe being around others that feel the way you do is helpful for a while.
    I cannot be around most people in general because they seem to want to hurt me constantly. I believe that the world is filled with a majority of evil selfish narrsacistic people. I ask constantly, why? Why do people hurt others? I couldn’t hurt a fly and I would never treat others that way.
    I am afraid and in pain and the last thing that I want to do is be around ignorant selfish people.

  • Anynomous

    I feel trapped like I’m drowning and it’s hard to breath it comes and goes. during the day I feel ok tired and irritable at times but sometimes happy but it’s really bad at night when I’m alone ecspecially if I’m stressed or sleep deprived I feel overwhelmed like i need to escape but I can’t. I feel isolated and I want to be social but when I’m around people i get anxious and want to be alone. I don’t know if I’m really depressed because there are times I feel normal.

  • ruth

    I’m sick and tired of life already I just don’t know what to do I’ve lost my company I could remember the time I could smile and doesn’t take everything in me to do that those were the time everything was going smoothly for me oh I could remember how me and my friends Hangout together and jist about a lot of things but everything changed when I met this guy if only I could turn back the hands of time I would change it back to the time that guy asked if he could be my boyfriend then I would have said NO but unfortunately I can’t I really love this guy and I thought he loves me too but I was wrong he claims he loves me but it was a lie I never knew and I was doing everything for this guy he will ask me for money whenever he’s broke and I will give him this guy never did anything for me but because I love him I don’t care to cut the story short I found out this guy was trying to kill me then I have no other choice but to run for my life because me and the guy are in the same institution I have no other choice but to drop out of school that was how my misery started my parents were so disappointed in me that they use everyday to curse me now I want to go back to school but my parents are not ready to support me they’ve already given up on me now I don’t have money to pursue my education and because of that I use everyday to cry hoping for a miracle to happen

  • Anonymous

    Depression to me feels like living a constant battle with my emotions that had no way out. I’ve been depressed for several years now. It came out of nowhere for no reason so by the time I knew what was wrong with me, my life was already controlled by it. At first it was just mild with a few days where it got bad enough to interfere with my life but still nothing to serious. As the years continued to pass I noticed it became constant with the severity usually mild but occasionally worse. I was deep into my depression before I realized that who I was and how I acted were deeply affected by my depression. I felt like a shadow of my former self, and any effort to change my situation fell in vain. When I finally attempted to reach out I was shunned, ignored, and called a faker. It was difficult enough to convey any feelings on a daily basis, but this made my frustration, anger, and anxiety spiked. Now joy was completely gone from my life. It wasn’t long before I started crying myself to sleep, something I had been fighting doing for a while. Going to bed was torture, because the one place where I thought i could escape my thoughts became the place they cultivated best. My already poor sleep became worse and turned into constant restlessness. Every day I have to wear a mask to get through the day, and use all my willpower to get just a fraction of what I need to get done accomplished. I’m tired , lonely, and frustrated. I just want my life back, to feel joy again, to have peace of mind, to stop being a rainbow in the dark because of my depression. I struggle towards a future where I see no happiness for me, where I’ll struggle for the rest of my life until I’m lucky enough to get old and die in my sleep.

  • Idk

    I know nobody would bother to read this long story about me but I just wanted to put it out there. I’ve been depressed for two years. I always thought about killing myself, that the world would be better without me or that I am not someone special. Sometimes when I have a bad day I go to my room and cry. Saying that I’m a useless person or that people hate me. So much negativity going through my mind and causing me this pain. I remember going to the kitchen to get a knife to cut myself thinking that I can relieve the sadness in me but I heard one of my family members coming so I quickly put the knife away. Whenever I think about doing something bad I cry in private and try to calm myself down, I always try to put on a genuine smile when someone talks to me. My trust has been broken, people leaving me, and getting betrayed so much has caused my depression. There’s times when I talk badly about myself, I sometimes always try to encourage myself. But sometimes that encouragement ends up in me saying something negative again like I’m always going to be alone. I can never find someone who can actually talk to me. I’m usually quite at school and I don’t have that much people to rely on at school cause I feel as if I don’t belong there or that everyone hates me. I told one of my friends (since the other one is harsh to me an I don’t know if she’s messing around with me) what I was going through and told me herself that she has gone through depression since her parents got divorced. She told me that I needed to speak up like she did. So I did with my mom I told her that I have been depressed for 2 years and I have felt like killing myself. And she’s telling me that me playing video games is the reason why I’m depressed but I kept telling her that it’s not. Its because I feel like crap at school, my trust has been broken multiple times, and people leaving me. And she still kept saying that and I was getting pissed off so I left looking all red eyed. But even so, I feel like opening up made it a little bit better but there’s times where I get so sad I start to talk bad about myself. 2 months later and I still feel the same. I’m thinking about talking to my mom again knowing that part is going to be hard. I just hope the future me will be happy. There is more but it will be to long. But if you’re going through depression speak up I know it’s hard but always encourage yourself to do it.

  • Anamika

    I am just tired of my life….i feel like i have no one for me…everything looks like fake…everything…family friends…everything…i just want to finish all these things..i just want to kill myself….pls…someone help me to die…i want to die…but i am scared….just kill me….i will be very thankful if anyone do so

  • Vishwanathan T G

    i do not know whether i even have depression though i can very well relate to the hopelessness mentioned above by the multitude.
    I hope not to get away from this vicious cycle of self loathing and self pitying for i’ve been nothing but a poor failure all my life. i’ve failed my mother who has been striving to remain a pillar of strength in our sorry lives despite suffering in silence being married to a most selfish incompetent and insensitive human being whom if called an insignificant moron and nincompoop would be still an understatement of this century. But I for all my so called sense and sensibility with purportedly better cognitive ability and talent am every bit dull and incompetent as my sperm donor. I’ve given her not an iota of peace with my own sordid state of affairs. I’ve lost control of my self belief and due to this am unmarried and too glad for it too.
    My feelings of utter despair and forlorn pity seem wholly justified as richly deserving for my perennial state of under achieving fearful nature. I suffer from severe and chronic ache all over my back and off late been having too throbbing headaches and stomach discomfort is something I’m born with already. I do not wish any respite if at all this is indeed an affliction or malaise, Since I rather accept and even welcome this affliction as justified punishment for being born such a weak, meek and worthless human being. Forver I hid back behind the facade of being lazy while in truth i knew I’m born without any skills for even basic survival. If not for my doting and adorable family and my fear of causing them further aggravation through killing myself I somehow am able to banish momentary thoughts of suicide which seems like such a welcome relief from this agony. I feel like a caged animal withering in fright dying a slow painful death terrified of some impending doom. So much so that even a light in the end of a tunnel will evoke in me terror of an oncoming train’s headlight. Just how far can a human life be laid to waste, I do at times wonder at my own absolute worthlessness. I am the sole breadwinner for my family now and am in a meagre way able to provide for them. But they being richly deserving hath been yet cursed to be fed by a lowly cretin like me!

  • Mosheshe

    I think I have depression, I always feel my head doing things for its self automatically, I try to control my head but sometimes I can’t, always feel as someone is controllig me…I kept it secret my parents don’t know about it,I feel bad,I feel like stranger,I feel hopeless. I get angry very fast,and even tried to kill my self…when will this thing end.I don’t care.know can save me from this even God him self can’t save me…

  • Louise adams

    As sad or as angry as evryone is!! Yes its sad but thats life we still have to live a happy life and show this bastard it aint winning!! Some ladies i know it will be hard but we are doi g it for the youngen’ens vote cancer!!!!!

  • Marvin Meddy

    Sometimes I just feel like dying and leaving the world because it’s just so annoying to be in the world and feel alone all by myself I’m also getting inferiority complex now, I feel like nobody understands me I get annoyed easily now unlike when I was happy my life suddenly changed drastically from great to bad and I wonder, how can a 15 year old such as myself feel so much pain and loneliness

  • Marvin Meddy

    I’ve been feeling depressed since like a year ago I feel like the world isn’t the same anymore and that my existence is not acknowledged I try my best but end up failing I’m only 15 years old

  • Jason Roman

    Having depression, feels like having cancer of the soul. It eats at you everyday, taking just a little bit more of you. Real depression there is no cure, everyone always jokes about people taking there happy pills, well guess what there is no such thing as a happy pill, as those with pure clinical depression can definitely tell you.

    Much like cancer, the only medicine is pretty much pure poison. It might make you feel a lil better, but the side effects are tremendous.

    Its like being trapped in a nightmare, where you constantly pray to just WAKE up.

    For some its like fighting a war, or battle every minute every day of your life.

    Its like being down 100-1 in the first inning of baseball,and having to fight out the rest of the game.

  • Sydney

    Sometimes I feel really bland and just empty. I end up wasting a lot of time distracting myself with things like TV. I feel like time goes so fast sometimes, while other times I feel like it goes so slow. I get really stressed when I think about my lack of sleep and free time, and it makes me think that I will have less and less time for anything in the future until my life is just a busy, working, stressful mess. I guess the word for it is “suffocating”. I think the most important thing about my depression is that I’m not always depressed. I laugh every day, cry every day, and think every day. Sometimes, I even feel like my mind is older than my body. I question existence and purpose, why things happen to some while not to others. I can’t begin to describe how vast my mind is. Sometimes my head hurts from thinking so much. I consider myself lonely, not because I don’t have friends, because I have been blessed with many. It’s just that no one else thinks as much as I do. I feel like no one understands me, you know? It’s just like that woman from ancient Greece, who saw the future (the Trojan war), but no one understood her or believed her until it was too late.

  • Jordan

    I feel like the world will always have better than me and I am easily annoyed other people besides family and friends. My kids are still young and they do not live near me anymore, I still stay in contact but I just don’t feel right. I’m stacked high in bills and I fear there will never be a way out. Every time me and my wife have one bill freed another takes it place. I joke and laugh and have fun anywhere I go, but on the inside I feel like wasted space. Is there anyone out there that feels the same way I do and can help, I don’t want to keep living like this I would love to be as happy as I was before.

  • Joe D

    You have become boring and useless to everyone including yourself. Your morning list of reasons to live has become impossible to write. Death has become the only one you care to welcome to your day. If you weren’t so tired you would find a way to end it.

  • Courtney

    I didn’t really notice it at first, things just seemed off for a while, i was diagnosed with depression in secondary school but after a few years i felt i was better, but looking at it now I’ve just been hiding from it, if i’m sat next to someone and they move their knee away or anything like that i go into full meltdown, i assume its my fault and that i’m poison and they hate me and wont let myself touch anyone for days, everything seems hopeless and i just end up crying not wanting to move fearing ill contaminate anything i touch. Sometimes it feels like suffocating, like i can’t move or breathe, other times its like its not me in my body, like i’m there but i’m behind a wall not in control, not able to talk or move or do anything. As a student i drink alcohol so i don’t take anxiety medication anymore as it doesn’t work with alcohol and i know given the lifestyle i wont not drink, even if i intend not to. I just feel alone all the time, which means when i get close to people i don’t want to let them go, which inevitably smothers them and not before long they leave. It just feels like i’m in a constant loop, that i’m spinning and i just want to stop, i just want to breathe again, and be able to laugh, really laugh and feel real excitement and happiness without having it dampened seconds later by my own thought and fears.

  • Lauren

    I’m 22 and am feeling a bit done. I’ve tried depression meds, anxiety meds- they don’t work; they simply make things more foggy and harder to think. I can’t sleep. I have trouble eating. The thing about family and friends really irritating you is on point considering mine have resorted to not talking to me at all. I even joined Christian Mingle because it was something new- stupid, stupid decision. I’m at a loss. I’ve talked to God often, believe me, but most of the time I feel like he’s left me for dead to carry on with my own devices. I can’t afford a counselor- I even tried talking one into taking me in and they just didn’t respond. My life has been a consistent stream of screwing up when I’m trying so hard to do the right thing- you have no clue. So, that being said- sure give some advice, but I think I’ve had just about all of the advice in the world, and nothing has been said that has been helpful to my situation. But I can at least let you try because in my eyes there’s no hope anyways.

  • Kats

    My depression feels like a secret I keep from my self. The longer I live with it, the more I give in to it, the more ridiculous it has become, and the more ridiculous I feel I look to others. My depression is a trickster, a mean clown, and a molester of my identity. Allowing me to believe I am worthy of sleep, wine and laughter just long enough to set me up for failure and shame. My depression was there all along, unnamed and living in the pieces of me that didn’t know they should be anything else. Now my depression clowns and laughs at my attempts to name it, tame it and know it. My depression is stronger, more patient and even crueler than me.

  • Tiffany

    I am 24 yrs old and have dealt with severe depression and some anxiety since i was 14 years old when i was raped by my first “boyfriend.” i grew up with my adopted by my uncle (brother of my mother) and aunt (by marriage to my uncle). she made me “cinderella” like everyone i am close with likes to remind me of. i turned to marijuana, alcohol, and cigarettes when i was 17 years old whilst i was sneaking out of the house being a rebellious teen. i now have 3 beautiful boys and a husband that loves me through all of my flaws no matter what. i just had our last baby by emergency c-section on august 4th, 2016. he has downs syndrome and is our last since 3 was our max, so i got my tubes tied. i was so happy tho up until about a week or so ago and i cant help but be scared that my past is haunting me again. ive woken up with bad dreams and thoughts have popped in that havent been there since before i was pregnant with my littlest baby. im so scared and i feel like my husband doesnt understand how scared i am about it even tho i have talked and cried to him about it…i know the original post is old, but depression is always there getting the best of perfectly good, and amazing people. i refuse to let it get the best of me this time!

  • Littlebirdy

    I don’t know if i have a depression, but I know I feel sad and alone. Nobody cares about me, I don’t know why I keep living, there is no point.I don’t want to get hurt anymore, I don’t want to be lonely, but people always hurt me, nobody is there for me, everybidy finds me annoying and attention seeking if I stop my all positive act. I hate this world,I hate that I can’t get away from anyone,start a new life. I HATE MYSELF. I am young and I have all these chances, but I choose to stay home, eat my emotions of and make my life even worse.Everyone keeps letting me down, I can’t deal with nobody being there for me. I just can’t.

    • Eric

      Would it help if I told you that your job right now is just to make it through, one day at a time? And that someday, you WILL find someone who will care for you, and that it DOES get better? Try to remember that it’s just pain, and that it may not MEAN anything – don’t follow your “why” thoughts down that dark rabbit-hole. Just do the next task, and don’t worry so much about what will happen even a few hours from now… but try to do just a little bit of what you need to be doing – if nothing else, it will give you something to feel better about (“I may not be able to do THAT, but at least I did THIS.”). It can be as small as taking care of yourself by brushing your teeth. This may seem silly, but there were times I had trouble even with just that…

  • Jazmin H.

    I’ve had depression for about 7 years now, but, for the past couple years, things have been getting harder and harder to bear. I’ve actually thought about going to a therapist, but I’m not good with words. I don’t think I can explain how I feel with words at all. I know exactly how I feel, but I just can’t say it out loud. I feel like I’m suffocating and gasping for air whenever I do, so I don’t know what to do anymore. What should I do if I can’t speak and writing it down can’t get my message across?

    • Eric

      I encourage you to go to a therapist. It’s not about being ABLE to talk – it’s about LEARNING how to get those feeling out. It’s like practice. You don’t have to “get it right”. You can’t “fail at therapy” unless you quit before you get what you need out of it. Even if all you do is sit there, it’s okay. Also – not all therapists will work for you, so try more than one if the first one isn’t working for you. This doesn’t mean you can blame the therapist for your problems, but some “therapy tools” will work for you, and some won’t.
      Don’t just suffer without finding out if there’s something positive that will help you deal with the pain. You wouldn’t be writing here if you didn’t want help, and didn’t want to help yourself get out of this dark place. You can do it. It gets better.

    • Sydney

      I would consider that therapists and other professionals are used to helping people who have a hard time explaining what’s going on. They are the kind of people who will let you talk for hours about your life. I would definitely grasp this chance.

  • Alex

    Wow I never this was what depression was I feel like I may have this from what I am going through right now. I’m consulting a doctor in a couple of days , but this is exactly what I feel. I’m 17 years old graduated and unemployed I had a job but I quit because I started feeling this way. The only person I have in my life is my bf right now.The reason I’ve been feeling this way is because of my older brother he is 23 years old and makes life harder on all of us. He is unemployed doesn’t help around the house and we are paying for everything he owes (jail and other debts.)There is so much more that has happend I could write an entire book on him. I think I just had it I wish I wasn’t living here. He makes my life miserable.

  • Destiny Messer

    I been dealing with depression all my life it feels like. Everything triggers it. What does it feel like? It feels like a million pounds on your shoulders, like anything you do isn’t good enough. No matter what you do in your life you still managed to mess it all up. All of your friendships/relationships go through the same cycle. When you cry it isn’t loud. Its into your arms while you shake vigroursly trying to get it all out hoping it won’t happen again for a while when you know it will happen again later that day. My life is far from easy. Every doctor I go to- I am afraid to burden them with my problems. My family all were pushed away. Because of how hard and far my depression takes me away. I can relate to everyone, I want to be there for everyone but yet I manage to want to have unforsaken thoughts of ending it. We know not to but the pain of living with this and never knowing when exactly its gonna happen kills me litterally inside. Being around my daughter doesn’t make me happy anymore. Which isn’t fair to her. I post online to try to vent but its never enough. People think its easy to solve by just “listening to happy music.” or ‘dont think about it and it will go away” “think happy thoughts” it just doesn’t work like that. You HAVE to let it take its course. I just don’t know how to cope with it, THis is what i do everyday.

  • Elle

    I have been diagnosed with a mild to moderate depression along with generalised anxiety. Everything sucks right now basically. I don’t feel like I can do anything right, I just keep messing up.

    BUT I have good and bad days. I haven’t felt entirely happy for a very long time now, but some days are worse than others for me. Some times I’m triggered, other times I’m not.

    However, I feel trapped most of the time. My anxiety for me has been something that has grown gradually during last year or two. It has now come to the point where it has taken too much control of my life.

    I’m starting talk therapy soon and I’m taking this semester off at university as well, because I feel like I can’t keep up with my studies.

    The best advice that I have got so far is listen to yourself first and foremost. I have for far too long been ignoring what I really have been feeling. I got the advice from someone who has been through a major depression herself and has come to know a lot about mental health.

  • Brittany

    I have a constant “brain fog” and I feel like I can never do anything right. I feel like the people around me have to deal with me rather then have fun around me and I feel like I am just a burden to people. I cry when I speak about it out loud and otherwise feel numb about it. I think about killing myself or when I am in an state of anger towards myself because of an action I messed up on or just thinking about it too much makes me want to hurt myself. I also work full time and I have the same hours every week. I always feel like I am stuck doing the same thing over and over again and what the hell is the point to all of this? Go to work come home eat sleep repeat. Pay bills when the check comes and do it over and over again. I just hate it. I feel like my life is a waste of time. And I am a waste of everyone else’s time. I try to distract myself and be happy but what triggers me is when I can’t remember something simple or I mess up on a task. It makes me feel useless and stupid. It’s a lot. If my room mate wasn’t around to make sure I ate I wouldn’t eat and if I didn’t have a job I would sleep all day and all night. Today I couldn’t even hold in the sadness. I partially cried at a doctors appointment today while I was in the room waiting for the doctor to come in. It’s too much. I wish it would stop. I wish I could be like other people who can love themselves and love life and be happy. I can’t do that. I have no self confidence and I have no self esteem and I can’t do anything right. I am a useless pathetic human being. It’s just so hard you know my dad was an alcoholic and drug addict and my mom was always into her career so when I wasn’t stuck with my mom who always ignored me I would be around someone else who would always be aggressive and cuss me out and call me negative names. It’s so hard. Growing up with that and the struggles that are happening now make it all so hard. I’m so done with it all. I wish I could overdose on something.

    • Eric

      You’re not stupid, or lazy. You’re just in pain, and it’s taking a lot out of you. It’s okay if you sleep a lot, but try to eat healthy things, because even if it doesn’t make you feel better, it will help to avoid feeling worse – which is good, right?

      I’ve felt everything you’ve described. It DOES suck. Congratulate yourself on getting up and going to work. That’s a big deal, and you’re stronger than you know for being able to do that. It’s okay to be doing the same thing day after day, even if it goes on for years. Routine can be a blessing right now. Tomorrow will change when it’s ready to – you don’t have to worry about that when you’re not feeling well – just do what you need to do for now.
      It’s good that you’re reaching out for help, even if it’s just on forums. Keep doing that, then do a little more. I know you WANT to feel better, so do at least one little thing now and then to move along the path to wellness (you’ll be surprised that there will be times, maybe not too often, when you’ll have just a little bit of energy available).
      Life with depression sucks, but other people have their problems, too.
      You can make it through. Don’t push too hard. It’s not that you don’t have willpower, or that you’re weak, or that no one likes you. You’re just in pain. Pain makes everything feel darker. Pain makes doing simple tasks harder. But this pain isn’t forever. Just get through a few more days, then a few more. Do what you can.
      It does get better.

  • veteran of a thousand psychic wars

    I feel really depressed beyond to the point that all I can do is look around and I feel the gaze in my green eyes are cold, every room I walk into and breathe feels empty, soulless. I feel so sad that I can’t cry because I know it doesn’t matter and it’s not productive to cry over something because I know the sadness will return.

    Sometimes I wonder why I feel so much pain that I can’t feel anything at all. How can anyone live like this? I wonder… How can I live like this? Could anyone handle living my life right now? What would the end be like? Today? Tomorrow? Future?

    It’s been like this for so long; stuck in a small town, feeling like an outsider as being the only deaf and hard of hearing man. People never know how to react, rarely talk to me, and don’t know how I’d react to them so they just usually don’t bother trying to get to know me and it feels like everyone around me are so self-interested and close-minded, never seeing the bigger picture of life. I could be someone who’s capable of having a PH.D and yet, be seen as dumb.

    All my deaf and hard of hearing friends are so far away and it’s hard to keep in touch with them.

    Not only that, I have an older rebellious sibling with a mild form of asperger’s syndrome so that makes communication and being able to emotionally connect all the more difficult because of his one-sided nature. He yells, argues, abrasive and rude and his meltdown has often unwittingly caused me to undergo psychological and mental abuse and he talks over me like I have nothing ever important to say. He’s always surrounded by the wrong crowd.

    My mother has stubborn OCD, and my dad has had a heart-attack and all he can do is sit back and try to passively keep the peace.

    I want to run and never look back. I want to forget. I want to run for the same reason that I drive around in the countryside aimlessly alone. All alone. Just run away and keep running until nobody knows who I am anymore.

    I even fight the temptation of thought that an accident is all I need to seek peace. At least… nobody on Earth has any power to bring me down anymore because I am my own worst enemy and I just grow colder as time passes. I want to die, and I can’t die for the same reason that people think or imagined they figured out why it happened to me with their baseless assumptions.

    I have to run. Just run. Getting out of town is the only way.

  • Helen

    It feels dull. It feels like people dont want to know you, but you sometimes get so annoyed at people (sometimes for no reason) you dont want to know them, so you shut off. Its empty, and staring into space becomes normal, I guess you get lost in your thoughts, numb to anything around you. You feel like you have forgotten what it was like to actually be truly happy

  • names don't matter

    I recently resurfaced from a walk in the dark, i started to care about myself again. Before that i was just passing time waiting to die, i had no strength to do what i think is right. it felt like i came to the end of my journey, i opened a door and there was light to grow, to heal. If i had to describe that which i think unlocked the door, it would be that now i see myself in all of the others and i see the others in all of myself, i dont believe in bad people anymore. For i always have wanted to meet myself – i willingly engage others now. I hope you can hear my message – Nihil humani mihi alienum – let us walk together.

  • I hate how I feel

    Silence is a friend but at the same time an enemy.
    My housework and laundry continues to pile around me, causing me to feel more worthless and more overwhelmed and less likely to ever get out of this hole I am in…which in turn makes me feel worse.
    Depression comes in waves for me, and it is awful when I think I am climbing out of the hole with the help of the Doctor and new meds, and the suddenly slip right back into deep depression again. Such feeling of failure, uselessness, discouragement, lack of will to go on. Emotional low

  • Kenn

    I just feel kind of down all the time. My life feels meaningless. Somehow I hate myself and think I’m the best person ever at the same time. I don’t have suicidal thoughts, but about every week I do have a strong desire to just curl up in a dark place, fall asleep, and never wake up. I feel dissatisfied all the time. I am either very irritable, or numb.

  • ashley

    I been extremely depressed for the last three days. I been on the verge of crying. I can’t do anything I love. I lost my job and I don’t want to find work cause its to much. Like nobody cares. Worthless and forgotten. My stomach turns every time I think about the stuff that hurts. Like a endless funk. I over sleep. I can’t stand my life.

  • Sarah

    I have not been diagnosed, or even seen a doctor or therapist, but I constantly feel like I am drowning and no one and nothing can save me. I can’t save myself, it doesn’t matter what I do or how hard I try to be better, everything goes wrong and I can’t do a single thing right. I don’t feel pity for myself, just a constant frustration, irritation, and hate at my self. I truly hate mostly everything about myself. I try to see what others see when they compliment me, but all I see is a shadow of I who I used to be. I constantly wonder why people still talk to me. Why people care. It’s so hard for me to talk to anyone about myself, or about my emotions. It’s like all the thoughts that are in my head cannot come out, that no one else could possibly understand or I would probably be overreacting or stupid. I try everyday to boost myself up, to get myself going, and everyday it’s a battle to smile and do normal social activities or any activities at all. I feel like my work ethic, my personality, each part of me is crumbling more and more each day and there’s nothing I can do. I’ve become so tired of everything. It’s like I’m standing on the edge everyday, and it’s a fight to not fall. I fight myself and my dark thoughts every waking moment. The only relief I feel is sleep, when I get sleep. My family counts on me for everything, and it seems like that pressure that I once could withstand is now overbearing. The edge keeps getting closer and closer, and my thoughts and pain never stop. I don’t know if that jumble made sense, but I thought I’d share it. Never have I felt more alone then I do now, and I don’t want to disappoint anyone, but I keep letting myself down. I wonder where the brave and happy go lucky girl has gone. There’s just a shell left in her place.

  • Nadia

    I feel Alone in life I feel so burden I just want to die run away from everyone
    I don’t understand where to go they is no one who I trust to share my feelings with I just can’t stop crying am always been hated on without a mistake without a reason I just can’t take it anymore I want to end my self

  • Zinzan

    Loss of memory and concentration,
    loss of touch with others,
    fatigue, loneliness, anxiety,
    everything that people say has no subsistence, like perspectives nor summarizing on anything makes any sense anymore,
    inability to start conversation, social phobias.
    No soul, like nothing brings gratification or happiness anymore.
    Derealization, Depersonalization,
    Frustration, Hatred,
    Everyone doesn’t understand anything you are saying like for example “So you think that the show on tonight at the regent theater will be worth while?” my reply “i have no ambition nor desire to watch it so i dont believe it will at all be particularly worth while”
    Gloom, Not able to think clear nor formulate rational explanations.
    No Emotion.
    Are we individuals just wired to a new perspective? or are we just at the end of a narrow road in which has veered to far into the abyss? light has faded and so have what we become? but a mere resonance of a once ambitious and collected self?
    Good Luck and i wish you all the very best,
    as good shall prevail out of this hideous mess. With love and gratitude,that does not seem or feel to exist

  • Cynic

    I don’t want to die but I don’t want to live I don’t have any interests I don’t want to do anything I have no motivation I don’t want to talk to people I don’t want to think I just want to lie alone away in a quiet place forever I want to live in a world without living things I just want to stand alone watching the days go by .

  • Sandi

    Everything is wrong and I can’t figure out how to make it all right again. I used to have a full life and ran around like a young deer in the woods… but now I’m 62 with one dead hip and the other one right behind it. I need hip replacements. All I do is limp around in pain with the bones grinding together. Sorry to be so graphic. I had a perforated bowel this year and had to get a colostomy bag. My upper teeth are all gone and I have a few broken discolored teeth on the bottom and I look pretty ugly… but can’t afford dental care. My mom died last year, my hubby divorced me last year, I was robbed while in the hospital. I was exposed to black mold and had to throw out all my furniture & clothes, purses & boots. I’m in a new town and don’t know anyone. I can’t see what purpose I serve being alive anymore. I have 2 adult girls who are very busy with their own lives who would be devastated forever if I ended this all. But I’m so unhealthy and lonely and feel like a waste of good food and air. So what’s the point…

  • Jason Rench

    My head feels “full”. I get irritated easily, no patience, sense of urgency. Lay awake till about 4 am every night. Nothing legitimate for me to worry about that I know of but my brain wont stop. Cry often for no apparent reason, scared. Can’t shake the feeling that I am running out of time. Don’t understand why.

  • An

    I would like to thank everyone on here for posting anonymously what my daughter cannot say to me in person. She is under psychiatric care and understands depression is a real illnes, totally chemical, but still feels worthless, too dependant, “a drag”. I may never understand depression from from a first-hand experience, but I do understand it hurts. As much as it may seem to annoy your family or friends, you are hurting far worse than they are. Speak to a counselor, find a mental health advocate to speak for you, get involved in a support group, something so that you can talk to those who do understand depression from your point of view. Yes, you are suffering, but you do not have to suffer alone. I gladly try to carry my daughter’s burden, even though it is not possible to take it from her. Love you all dearly.

  • Carole Dennis

    Depression feels like somebody has ripped your heart out along with your soul, jumped up and down on it several times, but forgotten to put it back into your body when they’ve finished. An empty feeling, not knowing joy or happiness, a loss of one’s identity.

  • Alluim

    I need help, but I don’t want to. Somehow, I kind of enjoy all this suffering and sadness, like I want it to happen. But I know I need someone to help me, not a psychiatrist, I just want a friend… I’ve just become really desperate for someone who understands, and I’m only 13. I wish that someone did though. Every time I sob or cry in my room, I just cries for help, even when I know they won’t hear me and that no one’s here. I just want to know that someone, just someone out there who really cares for me, and loves me.

    I’ve just started to lock myself in my room all day about a year ago, but my family doesn’t questions. Every year of school, for the first few months, or half of the year, I’ll go through this “lonely phase”. I’ll be completely alone, and no one would care or notice me. And I’d just wander aimlessly around the halls.

    I just don’t know what to do. I’ve been getting more and more panic attacks. The thing that I want is just so simple – a friend. But the world is just THIS cruel and won’t even let me have that.

  • anne

    When my depression comes I compare myself to people and distort things- as if they are so wonderful and normal, and I envy them, I wish we could switch minds and lives so I would know what is like to live without depression. When I’m sick the feelings just come and I don’t honestly know how to stop them, I feel like the worst person, and that I’m not good at anything, and then I panic.

  • Shelbi

    It feels like I have concrete blocks on my feet at the bottom of a ocean trying to swim towards the surface. I feel completely alone even though I have people who say they love me and are here for me. I don’t do anything anymore I stay in the house and cry or watch tv or both at the same time. This morning I woke up crying and I didn’t know why I was then my nana asked me if I was ok I said I was fine but she knew something was wrong. Getting out of bed is the hardest thing to do its like I know I have things that need to be done but I just can’t.

  • J

    I’ve struggled with major depression for three years now. I’ve told my parents and close family about it, but they continue to taunt me about it and tell me to kill myself. They’re all a huge part of my depression. Hell, I’m pretty sure if they actually supported me I would be going to a therapist and on my way to recovery, but instead I’m stuck in an endless loop of numbness, self harm and abuse.

  • haley

    some days are way worse than others but i feel like there isn’t a point to living at all. I feel like I’m going to go through this whole life without achieving anything or doing anything worthwhile. I have to put up with all the anxious thoughts of strangers on the bus judging me or the other girls in my school hating me for nothing. it makes me feel like this isn’t worth all the effort it takes to keep going. my friend just asked me to hangout on Thursday and I don’t want too at all, it seems like such a chore. sometimes I feel like the only reason I go do stuff with my friends is so that people think I’m a fun girl, I just want to be noticed. I’m so lonely all the time and nothing excites me, I feel like no one understands me and no one ever will. i honestly don’t see a point. whenever I face a conflict I think about how much easier it would be if I just was dead.

  • Claire

    Life has no purpose. I would never commit suicide. But I feel without hope and do not want to even get out of bed each day. Why am I here again? I guess I’m depresssed. I hate meds tho. They don’t work. Useless.

  • J. Core

    Depression is death itself. When your friends sit back and watch, when they leave, when the therapists give up, when the doctors don’t return your calls, when you find yourself all alone this is when you cross over into true virtual death. This is where life meets hell (actual hell, the dimension of hell with all the characters and ones you didn’t know of — a dimension of horror — sounds funny uh?).

    When you make it out, and you can — do not forgive the bastards who watched you die — they are a product of a system geared toward the collective (Collectivism, Statism) borg of useful idiots.

    When you make it out, and you will — you will be refreshed and the only path up will be the right path as you cannot choose a negative path lest you wouldn’t make it out.

    You will make it. Navigate the waters form left to right, up to down and sideways and eventually you will make it.

    Don’t worry about the women you passed up or the boy you could have dated — you will have a future that will be in alignment with the best you — and the best people for you.

    So fuck it and keep it movin.

    Peace.

  • Hafsah

    I feel the same like everyone else have described here. I feel like drowning every time I breathe. I feel confused about what to do in my life now. Any little problem that arises, I get so anxious and worried so fast and suddenly my mind just stops to functioning and so does my body. I can not move, I can not speak and feel paralysed. I get upset for no apparent reason, and when I am alone I start crying. I want to break things and cry out loud and scream at everyone just so they know how I feel inside. But they just can not see through the face I make, its calm when I am with people but inside I am literally screaming and screaming. I used to be jolly, witty, playful and enjoyed everything that came in my life. But now I am not the same person anymore. I hate talking to people and even if I want to I feel awkward and my heart beats faster and faster and I think I will die. I day dream of dying or getting sick, just in case people will feel some kind of affection for me. My best friend said its normal for our age and my mother says to worship GOD, but how is this a solution? I feel hopeless and feel like even if I say something people will ignore me so its better to stay quiet. I feel just packing some of my belongings and run away far from everyone and every problem, go somewhere full of tress and mountains and spent the rest of my life there. There are so many things juggled in my head right now and I want to write all the stuff but I can not even utter the words, those words reach my mind but not my mouth.

  • skarba

    I don’t know… I’m 16, soon 17. I feel this kind of emptyness… Some weight on my chest at all times, although I do some times get… very happy for no apparent reason and feel like on top of the world, yet the next day i will be sad… well not sad…. I won’t even feel any kind of emotion… I don’t know what’s going but some of the things listed here are quite similar.

  • confused

    I have said yes to every bullet point. I’m in the summer between graduating high school and beginning college, but my last year of high school crashed a third of the way through. School and home weren’t what they had been. My struggle then was the worst thing I have ever gone through, but no one around me seemed to think it was serious or real, and attributed it to “my developing brain” and told me my brain was “an obstacle to overcome.” My friends were my only help, but they had their own issues. I told my mom I couldn’t do this anymore, and tried to express how I was feeling. She must’ve gotten tired of hearing it because she turned the prospect of psychiatric help into a threat, and I backed down.
    Nobody has taken me seriously so far, so I retreat further into my own head, which makes daily life a growing challenge. My small failures haunt me and I feel worthless and hopeless and I wonder what the point of me even is anymore…I think I’m crazy, but my environment has convinced me that nothing is wrong, and that I’m just weak…it’s all so confusing. I can’t read people anymore, and I can only really listen to what people say if it’s written down in front of me.
    I don’t know what’s going to happen. Not 2 days ago I cracked and voiced how I always feel wrong about myself and everything I do and everything I see, and finally said how much of an unoriginal failure I feel I am sometimes.
    Nothing happened then either. Maybe there’s nothing wrong, and I’m being dramatic. Maybe I’m wrong, yet again. I can’t tell. The more I read other people’s first-hand experiences, the more I see how utterly crippling it is…but I finished high school without any academic troubles. Heck I was 6th in my class, received awards, small scholarships, college admission, honors admission…
    I couldn’t have accomplished that if I actually had Depression, right? Am I wrong again?

    • Alluim

      Maybe it was just a really mild depression, maybe it was another kind of thing, but it wore off. At least you’re okay now, right?

  • Anonymous Zee

    Things gotta get better!!! No choice. Or else ill never find hapiness…Why am I writing this down instead of talking about it? Because it’s always the same fucking story.it started 6-7 months ago… I met this guy he makes me super happy… until a few months ago I felt that spark slowly fade. He doesn’t feel that way at all and I am very glad he does not. Im happy he thinks were great! I don’t wanna loose him for the world. For some reason. I think. Ill lose him… everyone always leaves at some point. And maybe some people don’t realise it. But the tiniest things can really hurt you… So I got in a fight with my older brother because he was drunk or high or maybe even a mix of both. I know to this day he might not have meant it. But in the worst times it haunts you. Its at the back of your head waiting to destroy you. And get you in your worst damn times. He told me everyone will eventually leave me. As they still have been. And that ill amount to nothing in life… I have a man that has no inttentions of leaving me and I have a good job and… I still think… Im miserable?Im not miserable per say… I know I should be happy because I have so much going on. I try and stay positive but … its so hard. The man I love is miles away hoaping to finally one day be with him. I need him. We both need each other. And maybe just maybe when we do ill be happier. Aesthetically hes not the hottest man there. In fact not very attracted to his looks but his personality Makes up for it. Hes golden <3 Im just so scared of him leaving me for someone that’s maybe less worried about everything. My elder brother said everyone will leave me if I keep being a worry wart like my mom. And its scaring me. Because I am slowly progressing to be like her wether I want to or not. I hate myself for being mean to my man when he deserves to be treated well. I hate it that I overreact to everything. I just want to be better at… all of this. I want so desperately to be happy that im hurting myself mentally when I should be happy. Im never satisfied with what I have . I am tired of it. I want to be happy. I don’t know WHY I cant be. I really want to be relieved and just live my life happilly with the ones I love and not have a care in the world. But it only took that one conversation with my brother and my life just SHIFTED. I try to stay positive. I know im better than he will ever be. And my life is actually great! I just… Don’t know…

  • Jan Boxall

    I feel your pain, I am in the same place, at 73 been married for over 50 years to a man who does not understand depression, when I first got it I was 22 and had my daughter my husbands mother said I was not fit to have a child as I had left her at home with my neighbour who was a nurse, those words have never left me and now I see my husaband to be hardline her. i want to die that’s all I think off , such a cruel world, I wish you all love.

  • Nick

    I feel disconnected from everyone. Everyone wants something from in every aspect, money, emotional suuport, bills, comfort, work deadlines that mean nothing except to the person who wants it.

  • Muskan

    I feel all the points that you have mentioned in your article.but i dont feel like killing myself,but i hurt myself sometimes. I really dont know what to do.i usually fight with my boyfriend and family.please help me what should i do.

  • Idk.

    same here. I’m never happy. I don’t feel any emotion. I don’t feel like my self anymore. I don’t think I got self respect for me anymore.. I’m hurt. I’m always worried & nervous but the littles things. I don’t even wanna go out anymore. my anger is horrible now. I’m always mad.

  • Derran

    Plus it has a lot of physical side effects too. You may have headaches, body aches, restlessness and insomnia. And general tiredness and reluctance to do things :/ I’ve been feeling faint and dark spots when I stand up suddenly lately not sure if it’s because I’m getting older or depression…

  • Derran

    Hmm… I think I’ve got slight depression since 4 years ago, and it only got worse lately. The symptoms become more and more obvious, like lack of motivation, urge to cry at any time, heavy feeling on your chest, anxiety-caused insomnia etc. You can’t really understand depression until you have felt it, and it’s really hard to describe. There can be no reason for it. Honestly there may be suicide thoughts, urge to sleep forever etc, and worrying too much about the weirdest things, which more often than not procrastination. Most of the time you may just feel like something’s suffocating you and you are sinking into the abyss and all you can see is darkness (like what you see for your future). Stuff like that. It may sound a little dramatic but that’s what I feel most of the time. And you are always tired and lethargic, mostly tired of life and daily activities. It’s difficult to do what you can do in the past and a little setback can force you to give up forever. You have no hope for life and find life utterly meaningless. For me depression made me try to find the meaning in life and failing, and now I’ve become a misanthrope. Depression is a creeping disease sometimes, it’s not like you’re constantly or suddenly super depressed – you can still smile and laugh with your friends, but you feel upset more frequently with little reason. It hinders your life a lot, especially if you’re at that ‘important age’ and you are supposed to plan for your future and everyone is placing stress on you but you just feel like doing nothing. One of the worst parts is that people don’t recognize mental illnesses as much as physical ones, and you just want people to understand you more and give you space but they don’t ‘understand’ or ‘believe’ you. Sometimes I wonder how much do you have to do/break down before they let you free, or just send you to a mental hospital ._. I think you think a lot during that time and have a lot of mental and life revelations, and that may be why all the famous works are done when the creators are depressed… I feel like I can write a book from depression already, haha.

  • Mich

    I feel like I’m a caged bird and there’s no way to get out. I feel like we don’t have a free will and everyone around dont care. I can’t change my life or circumstances and i still have to live. My life is not by my choice and if i had to choose i would rather die. I don’t want to die without fighting but the pain is so intense, that i feel it on a physical level. I can’t handle the pain anymore i wish I could be set free from all of this. I wish no one else feels the same pain.

  • Cat

    My god, there is no answer to what it feels like. We place our words here, but it bites and chews and tears what might remain of a soul we never deserved. Of course,this is only me speaking these words. I have come across this site maybe by accident. At this moment, I’ve watched the morning news. It’s July 8, 2016. Not only have two young, seemingly innocent, black men been murdered by police officers in the past few days – but now 5 police officers have been killed overnight.
    Please, don’t think people in other countries aren’t affected by these heinous events. I am Canadian, Toronto.
    Madness aside(?) I doubt that, I digress. My sister, brother in law. nephew, his wife, my great nephew and niece are in Florida for a week. A holiday for two teachers, their children, an accountant and an engineer. Hard earned and deserved time away. I will put all of my madness aside until they are all safely home.
    But, in my madness, I will disappear for awhile. Self preservation and a brief respite from the death that drags and tears and greedily feeds on what’s left in my shell of worthless existence.
    In my own indifference to any organised religion, I will pray for their safe return home. Praying as well for these many souls caught up in such egregious actions.
    I am taking a selfish break for what morsels of sanity and what may be left of myself.
    Death claws and rips with a fervour constantly and I know I take it with me always. I won’t be alone.
    Cat.

  • jules

    I have had depression for about a year now, i also have pretty bad anxiety. I feel like my mind is deteriorating, like there is a cloud over my thoughts and nothing seems like real life anymore. I space out a lot and when i do something awkward i stress on it. i really want this fog to go away because i used to be really pretty smart but now i feel like i cant think.

  • No one important

    My life is spinning out of control and I can’t talk to anyone everyone around me looks up to me. I cant do this anymore. I want to just die

  • too embarrassed

    i will never get my self into debt again! EVER! well I’m bankrupt so won’t be able to, still owe $20000 to my suppliers who I’m late every month paying. haven’t had a holiday in 4 years. my daughters mum is a cunt. done so much for other ppl half my debts were helping other ppl.. now I’m burnt out. HATE working and its the quietest my business has been in 4 years. i sound suicidle but i don’t want to die. feels like I’m just waiting for something i don’t know what it is. everyone who is happy is a cunt in my eyes coz I’m not. i have full blown depression. sometimes i enjoy being down? thats fucked up. but mostly i want to be normal again. i buy lotto because in the time between buying the ticket and the draw i have a bit of hope but i never check it that night always the next day after work that way i get through the day dreaming of a better life before it comes crashing down when i check it and think of the $20 i lost. and the ironic thing is doctors and counsellors cost MONEY. haha tears.i don’t want to be rich right now i just want my bank and my debts to say $0 homeless ppl on the street are in a better finacial position than me! it feels like something ever so slightly just putting constant pressure on your brain. ppl close to me no I’m fuckin depressed..everyone else has no idea and the hardest thing is to smile when you want to cry. 4 years feels so long to be like this. to be real honest i think 50% of ppl would have done themselves in if they lived my shoes in recent years. or maybe its just me. i feel strong but maybe I’m just weak. and yeah I’m tired all of the time so so tired no matter how much sleep i have I’m still tired. ppl comment i look like shit all the time. or they think I’ve had a big night out..the only time i forget everything is when i play football every saturday. when its not footy season then its 7 days of hell. good luck with your battle. i need a miracle

  • habiba

    People would advice you to be colder.. to be alil more selfish.. to be this that.. to be something that will apparently give you happiness. To change yourself to be selfishly happy. But then if that change makes you even more unhappy.. retrieving self hate because that’s not the monster you want to be.. That’s not who you are. Even when you try to be cold. it eats you up because you can’t change a heartbeat rhythm. We are all wired differently. I think we should just deal with who we are and try to understand ourselves and create our own happy cave with the people who really matter. You know.. like.. being different is not a crime. Apathy, rather, should be.

  • Karen

    I feel really depressed most of the time I’ve lost as all desire to do anything don’t feel like going out with friends anymore just sitting around just got over having cancer

  • Taylor

    I feel like everyday is just a dream. I can’t work, I can’t finish school, it’s hard for me to even get out of bed in the morning. I don’t want to do any thing. I’m always anxious and worried something bad is going to happen to me. I started Prozac 4 days ago but it seems to be making my depression worse. So I don’t know what to do. I just wished I could fix this feeling without taking medication.

  • SorrySamantha

    Depression feels very heavy…it’s like I sleep for sixteen hours and wake up wanting to sleep again. My brain feels like jello and I can’t seem to retain anything even when i try to consciously make an effort. I feel like my entire family is slowly stopping caring about me because I am just an unmotivated Debbie downer loser. Depression is causing me to have no interest in life or anything and I feel completely fake when doing anything. Laughing isn’t natural anymore.In the past I used to laugh for spouts of ten to twenty minutes at a time and it was great. Depression is when you read so much self help and Zen and other articles on how to get better but the application is so hard and time consuming you become discouraged because you’re a failure and eventually it will cycle around again. Conversation is very difficult and makes me feel awkward and I just want to be isolated, or keep company with someone who doesn’t feel the need to talk. I feel inferior and frustrated and just tense. I’m afraid if this ever goes away I am not going to recognize it and I am going to just be an unemployed loser for the rest of my life. I am afraid that I’m becoming obsessive over the wrong Things. Depression is a powerful succubus and it takes a lot to even remember to bathe or brush my teeth or do normal things. I have so many things on a list of things to do but I feel like a child because I don’t know if they are what I really want to do or if I’m doing them because it’s what everyone is telling me to do. I don’t know anything anymore. I am uneducated, uninteresting, and just not worth it. Depression hurts. It’s thinking about the future and how you pretty much don’t have one because you just throw yours away sleeping and having panic attacks and depression episodes.

  • Chris

    Wow i didn’t know those are also symptoms for depression. I always thought things like difficult to smile, difficulty on expressing etc are part of my personality. I had depression since a long time ago but i have just found out these are the symptoms too.

  • katawithakishenaneni

    Everything is definitely in slow motion for me. Even as I type this, I feel as though my fingers are heavy or moving slowly. I don’t know which, and everything is confusing… tiring… I nearly forgot which word to type/write. I feel like I can never make solid decisions. No amount of sleep is enough. Everything and everyone antagonizes me, even if it’s done exactly as I like it. I know I’m not a picky person either. Life is a dichotomy of frenetic energy and mental vegetation. You know when you see those gifs of the ocean/water from the side? There’s the top layer of water, a bit chaotic in some places, smooth in others. And underneath the water layer, it’s calm for a bit, but there’s still all that life and activity, and it’s just SO vibrant. But how I feel, I feel like the line separating the surface from the bottom, just moving and being pushed around by the motion and energy of the life around it and whatever other external forces. Somewhere in writing that I got nervous and I’m all shaky now. I want to go peacefully to sleep, yet with the peace of the undersea and none of the other, and just have it silence my thoughts for… forever. A smile.

  • ErikaV

    Depression feels like its endless. It covers the light at the end of the tunnel and amplifies the moment of horrible feeling and thoughts. I feel trapped in my body and I am banging on the walls crying out for help, but no one hears me. Actually, I am glad i am not heard, because I dont want others to know I am sad or make them feel what I do, so I feel alone and scared. I get help from a counselor and friends and feel revived like its gone forever, then its triggered again. I drown myself in school work in responsibility to show myself life is worth living and give my life meaning but I do not see my accomplishments no matter what I win. Sadly, this depression is not 100% my fault, but it is my fault to keep the trigger by my side. Knowing that once in my life i could never picture myself in this situation, that I had it good. But I put up with this and anxiety just because I think “love” will outshine one day.

  • Cary

    Sometimes, it all comes down on me, like a tremendous weight. It’s like I can LITERALLY feel it weighing me down; it physically hurts.

  • Anonymous

    The only one I don’t agree with here is crying for no reason. I cry for no reason all the time — at a song on the radio, a show — and crying is actually very healthy.

  • I AM

    I’ve had depression for 6 years, It feels hollow, empty and void. It feels as if everything wrong is the fault of mine and no one but I am the cause. I can never die until time, I’m told that I can never die even if I try. I’ve never thought about suicide before because to me it is cowardice, so I’ll stick with suffering till time.

  • Prachi

    Oh my god! I felt like crying and crying and crying for no real reason. I feel desperate. I am even not sure if it is depression or not.
    I always try to stay calm whenever I feel like breaking things and whenever I try to do that, I cry. I am in tenth grade. I feel stressed and pressurised. I can’t actually express what I am feeling right now. I want to talk with someone. Oh plz I have started hating myself. I need help. Right now I an crying.i am 14.

  • Sam E.

    For me depression always felt like a heavy weight on my chest, like I could never breathe quite right. It was unsettling and it only got worse from there. It started with me as a child and progressed into what it is today. When depressed, everything seems to be shaded in grey, even old, fond memories. And there’s this terrible feeling of being completely and utterly alone. I remember standing in the lunch line, surrounded by friends, and everything just felt like a blur and all the voices became muffled and all of a sudden I couldn’t breathe and I needed to get out right away, but where to go? I had no where to go and while I was silently drowning in my despair, my “friends” didn’t notice my pain and I later found out that the reason for them not wanting to be my friend anymore was because I was too “depressing” to be around. I wasn’t depressing, I was depressed! The affects of depression are hard enough without people shaming you for being depressed in the first place.

  • Prasad

    I found this article after a long time. Its pretty much captured every single thing I feel. I never feel appreciated and am always down. Things that gave me genuine pleasure before are now just “what’s the point”. I feel like I’m watching myself in some C-grade depression documentary and cant get out. Where I com from, going for therapy is done only by crazy people, and REAL MEN just deal with things….I’m sure that’s familiar to a few of you too.

  • tameka k anderson

    I feel like i can not feel happy for me. I only feel sadness. I feel like i am supposed to be happy, but i rarely actually feel happy. People say that i look like i dont havea friend in the world, i feel like i dont but i do have very good friends. But i dont feel connected. Its is as if my feeling are totally disconnected from me. I am never happyabout and for myself. Although i have every reason to be happy but i am not. This concerns me because i have a child and she is so happy. All the time too. And i dont get that. I also am genuinely happy for others, but i am not happy for mee. This i am going tochange today. I am going to reach out for help, because i believe i can be happy for me.I am encourage i am not alone in these feeling or lack of feeling that i feeli dont feel, that there is hope that i wont feel thisway always. Thank you all for sharing

  • Emma

    Wow…. I have been feeling this exact same way for two months now and it didn’t all make sense until I stumbled upon this article. I can highly relate to almost every bullet on this list, and it all makes sense now. I had gone to the doctor three times now for my constant headaches that will never go away. They even took blood work and an MRI and told me nothing was wrong. Thank you so much for creating this, I now feel as though I’m not alone and I have an answer to why I’ve been feeling this way. Thank you so much.

  • Mike

    I always had some depression, but I always ignored it. On July 10th 2015 I lost my Girlfriend and her Mother in an Accident, and that was it for me. I feel like a tent stake that got nailed into the ground with a 1000 pound hammer. Since that day nothing has felt real, and life is racing by. I cant sleep, or eat, everything feels dark, and I feel that Ill probably be dead soon too, either from cancer (which is by no means diagnosed, just hypochondria) or some other terminal illness. Not to mention no one cares to listen to me when I try to talk about it. I need to talk to someone, but no one cares. I honestly don’t know what to do. She was all I had. I’m only 20 and I feel my life is over. I’m also growing more angry with the world with each passing day. Pure hatred. I enjoy violence greatly. I almost wish my pain was inflicted on everyone, but its not like I actually want to hurt anyone. This isn’t me. I need help.

    • Rachel

      Hi Mike, I am so sorry for your loss. To me it sounds like you are grieving as many of the signs of depression are similar to those experienced with grief. I wonder whether it would help you to see a bereavement counsellor to talk through how you feel. It might be worth a try. I wish you love and future happiness.

  • Anonymous

    Please tell me if I have depression I’m young and don’t know if I do I feel like I’m stopping my mom from happiness holding everyone back like I’m just a burden it’s like everyone is moving on and I’m just stuck my family makes irritated and I don’t know why sometimes I cry for no reason I always feel stressed it seems like just me breathing I’m doing something wrong I hate myself I’m pretty sure I don’t like one thing about myself.

  • Anonymous in blackness

    It’s like walking through thick mud. Like my limbs are made of lead and don’t want to move. I feel like I am stoned out of my brain all the time, but I haven’t taken drugs in a long time. I can’t think properly, and concentration is a thing I remember vaguely from times long past. Completing small tasks feels like climbing an un-climbable mountain, I just can’t bring myself to even try to begin. Work is something I know I need to do but really struggle to do. I go, but all I want to do all day is go home and I dont even know why. I love sleep, and could sleep all the time but I can’t sleep properly. I loose count of how many times I wake in a night, and every time I feel worse than before I went to sleep. I can’t remember the things that used to bring me happiness, and I can’t even remember the last time I felt happiness. It feels like I have never felt it though I know I used to. I love my family, but I have no desire to talk to any of them. I have no friends and feel like I prefer it that way. Social situations make me feel sick, and I hate being around other people. I feel like I have a hatred for people in general sometimes. I feel useless, like a complete failure. I can’t make a descent living, and I fail at everything I do. I have the potential, but I just cant seem to make things work. Life is just a blur.

  • Rachel

    I don’t know if I have depression or not, I have good days, usually 2 or 3 weeks, but I do get a little sad, or looking somewhere off to a distance while with my friends and they think it’s funny. I break down if something stressful like an argument or joke that got to me, I am told by a close friend repeateday that I’m like by people, but I feel hated and that I have nobody. When I break down, I cry for about an hour, it my be short, but it is extremely intense.I don’t know if this is depression or not, can I get a thought on this??

  • Kaley

    Depression is a disease.

    It eats you apart, slowly and painfully. It tears apart friendships, rips apart families, and pulls you to shreds.

    You feel alone, but it goes much unnoticed. No one cares to empathize and no one shows understanding, because no one sees.

    When you’re low, no one treats you special because you’re ill. Because mental illness is like that rotten peanut in the children’s song. From the outside, everyone thinks it’s just like any other peanut.

    When people do try, they usually tell you “you’re going to be fine” or “you have nothing to be upset about”.

    Newsflash: All too often, we know we’re going to be fine. We know we have nothing to be upset about. Or rather, part of us knows. But the part of us that doesn’t, overtakes us. It’s the part that keeps telling us that EVERYONE views us as: CHILDISH. OVERLY EMOTIONAL. BITTERLY NEGATIVE. COMPLETELY IRRATIONAL. BOTHERSOME. And worst of all WORTHLESS.

    The fact of the matter is, we hold on to these feelings because (regardless of how much we fight it) we believe that even in a small way one or some of this is true. And because of that small bit of belief, we find ourselves traveling down a dark downhill stroll. That becomes a trip. Then a roll. And before we know it, we’re flying down the mountain at 100mph, and any attempt to pull in full reverse at a speed that fast will inevitably fail. Only will a slow decrease in speed, that results in an eventual stand still, can possibly get the ball rolling back in the opposite direction towards “normalcy”.

    Honestly, all we need is a little bit of an open eye. To help us when we hit that first ledge. When our eyes turn down, and our hearts start to become heavy. And all we need is a hand to hold onto, to keep us from falling down that dark path. Fighting our triggers is our battle. But sometimes, we need help to keep standing before we completely lose our balance.

  • dontworry

    I never really thought that I was depressed. I always thought I was just sad and going through normal emotions like everyone else I knew. I thought that my problems were not so big and that no one really cared. so I kept to myself and allowed my friends and family to believe that I had everything under control. it felt so good you know? to pretend… to pretend that everything was alright even if it wasn’t. I was just content with knowing that no one was worried about me or felt bad for me. it was rare that I ever talked about my feelings. growing up I was always the “big person”. whether it be with my friends or with my family. I was always the one my friends came to when they had problems, I was the one who always had to be inbetween the fights they had.same goes with my family. I am always trying to make peace. I never thought that I could talk to anyone about my feelings because I have kept them bottled up for so long, but I know that my friends care and my family does too. something just keeps telling me that they don’t and it makes me isolate myself from everything and everyone and I hate it. I really hate it and I can’t take it any longer and I am not quite sure what I am suppose to do. I have tried three times to reach out for help from counsellors but no one seems to care enough about me to help. tomorrow I am going to try again because, as much as I think about ending my life, I really do not want it to come to that.

  • Kevin

    I didn’t realize until about 15 or 20 minutes ago that I can relate to so many of the signs and symptoms of depression and have had them for most of my life. I come from a strong family, born to and raised by people who always wanted the best for me no matter what, so in that way I really lucked out. But off and on for about the last 12 years I have felt like I have completely let everyone down, because I can’t seem to find where I belong in this world. When I was in my mid teens, and without even realizing it, I dealt with it with methods that I have read about on sites like these. I found things that made me feel good, and I did them. I found a sport I enjoyed, I nurtured the social aspects of my life and finally started to feel like I was who I wanted to be. But recent events (being cheated on by the mother of my son, losing the ability to see him more than 2 weeks out of every month. And on top of that, being a 28 year old that had no choice but to move back in with his parents and not being able to find a job) have brought it all back, and worse. I can’t use the same coping methods that worked for me as a teen because where I live has no sports programs outside of high school, and anyone my age with any sense got out of this town as soon as they were able, so the social network is no longer really an option. But finding this information has forced me to open my eyes, and shown me that there can be a light at the end of this tunnel if I choose to allow there to be one. And because of that I feel like I am actually willing to admit to a doctor that I don’t feel right mentally, instead of avoiding the subject because I’m scared. Thank you.

  • Linda

    How do I help my adult daughter who is bipolar and refuses to be treated with meds or counseling she has three young children and a full time job. She fights with everyone cries all the time her life is chaos please help us

  • So tired of fighting

    I thought my illness was gone away in 2013 when I felt so good after a change of life but it comes back stronger every time. It is tiring fighting this demon especially at night when I cannot sleep. I haven’t the courage yet to end my life and I admire people who do end their pain by suicide. Doctors say to learn to cope with it but it is a constant battle with no end in sight. It really is a living hell…

  • Kina

    My depression was a feeling of my body falling into an endless dark space. It also felt like I was falling off a cliff. I thought I hit what people call “rock-bottom”. I hoped to feel better and go up. I thought time could really change me.. But it didn’t. I always felt like i was a stupid, helpless person. I don’t want to do anything. I don’t get motivated, i don’t feel any emotions, and its not like I’m super good at something so i feel like a loser. If my life is going to be like this… I don’t really want to live anymore. But i’m scared to die alone(suicide). And i know that my family and friends will be sad. I’ll never get used to This empty feeling. Everything just feels meaningless and i myself feel souless.

    • Kina

      It’s not like my life is miserable.
      I have friends and family. I have a dog. I have everything that i need. But something is missing. I’m afraid people would think that I’m a spoiled person. I feel like I shouldn’t feel this way. I’m scared and shamed at the same time. People around me act like they care and understand me but thats honestly fake… So i can’t talk about this with someone around me. I guess this is why i feel lonely even though i have friends. Im fine whenever I’m out with my friends but when i come home, i get this super weird feeling of loneliness. Everything feels surreal. So i try to go to sleep but that doesn’t work either.

  • TDH

    The moment right after I wake up and I remember this feeling. It’s like waking up after something tragic happened and remembering the tragic event just to be sad again. But nothing tragic has happened.
    Everyday I count down the hours until I know I’ll be tired and get to go to sleep again.
    Constantly thinking there’s nothing good about me.
    Most days I feel extremely bored, but I don’t want to do anything and can’t focus on my studies either.
    Then I get that one random day, or days when I feel fine so I convince myself I’m an attention seeker, or just moody, and I’m actually fine.
    I constantly think my boyfriend doesn’t actually love me and it’s just a matter of time until he leaves me or cheats on me, and then I start to imagine how that would happen. I want to tell him everyday, but I never do cause I think it’ll put him off me. We’ve talked about it a few times, but I played it down, and I think I’ll annoy him if I tell him again.
    I cry most days and I don’t know why and I’m scared to think of the future cause I don’t think it’ll happen, and that if I imagine it, the complete opposite will happen. I don’t have any goals.
    Everyday I want to not be anyone, but then I feel extremely lonely.
    I want someone to notice and tell me NO, YOU’RE NOT FINE!!! Instead of ‘oh okay’.

  • Rebecca

    I have not yet been diagnosed with depression, simply because I’m too scared to ask my father to take me to see a doctor. Last time I asked he got very angry, almost like I triggered something in him but I’m not sure. I strongly feel like I do suffer from some stage of depression however. I am constantly tired, even if I drink a ton of coffee. I don’t remember the last time I was actually awake.
    I am always hungry/never stop eating.
    I get aches in my lower back and I’m unsure why, it’s more uncomfortable than painful though (it’s not there all the time).
    I find it very difficult to wake up in the morning, I usually pass this off as a normal human struggle but from seeing how other people react my opinion is changing. I feel heavy and sometimes I want to cry when I wake up. I’ve just not shown up to weekend plans sometimes without telling the person. I stay in bed all day and isolate myself from the world. I ignore people on purpose then get mad at them thinking they’re ignoring me. I constantly put myself down about how people feel about me even though I know that sometimes I am the issue. I’ve lost many friends from doing this. I constantly feel alone and unliked by people.
    I have an uncomfortable feeling in my chest, its the feeling you get before you cry or when you get a “bad feeling” about something. It’s always there. Sometimes I don’t notice it but sometimes I randomly get a punch of it in my chest and I’m back to square one.
    It’s been really bad recently. For example, I had to walk to the bus stop by myself and I called my friend and started to cry. Literally over nothing. I started saying how the group of people I went out with didn’t care about me because they didn’t walk me and all of this childish stuff. Little things just get me very emotional. I get angry easily at my friends and family too.
    I can’t list any more stuff, simply because I can’t think very well… It’s 2am.

    I’m just lost and I don’t really know what to do. What if I’m making a big deal out of something that is just temporary? I don’t want to make my father go through the pain again and get a doctor all for me to be okay again by the time I go to see him!

  • Ella Davies-Chalmers

    I don’t know if i’m depressed, i’m scared i’m psyching myself out, like i’m worrying over nothing. Is it normal to cry everyday? Is it normal to feel so alone even though you’re not and hate people who are happy and have a perfect life. I’ve never felt wanted in my whole life, everyone around getting the comfort they need when i’ve always been left out and left alone. I’ve experienced tramatic experiences and I am constantly afraid that I am always being judged by other people. My parents and family can annoy me so much some days that I fall asleep for hours, refuse dinner, sit unemotionally, exhausted in my bed while my parents scream at me for being rude and not understanding what tired feels like and that “everyone feels tired” But my parents don’t know that my tired is a mentally worn down mind and body and takes me 20 minutes to get out of bed. I contemplate my surroundings and wonder why i’ve been chosen to feel this alone,and cry in my room but quiet enough so no one can hear me. Am I depressed or am i crazy or am i just over exaggerating. My parents use my weight against me, when they are mad they put me down even if I feel more confident that day. Is this why i’m alone? because i’m fat and ugly and all my friends are beautiful and skinny? There are some days every month or 3 weeks where I am so sad I want to kill myself, I am so confused and I feel like i’m getting scared over nothing. What do I do, am I depressed or am I crazy. Honestly, please tell me.

  • Amber

    Well Depression for me is Like Being at A Party with everyone I love but still can’t be happy…it’s weird I’ve thought about killing myself nothing seems to keep me happy nothing seems to last long I’ve have plenty of Friends and Family Still feel complete lonely…i often dream/Day dream about Being different people…i cry alot…i hold in all these feelings…I’m normally the “Go To” person I’m normally the person everyone can depend on…I’ve never understood why i was that person when i can’t even depend on myself…everything irritates me I’d rather be completely Alone… I’m not very social at times like very dry answers to whoever speak to me..the people closes to me i become very mean to them even when i don’t mean to it just happens and i regret it everytime…I’m full of regrets and to think i wanted to go to school to be a Clinical psychologist and can’t even help myself i wish i could but i can’t..i find myself lying and always giving people excuses to why i can’t come hang out when it’s really cause i wanna be alone…the sadest part is everybody think I’m the most happiest person in the world but truth is i feel like the sadest i cry for no reasons sometimes…it’s just so much to say but idk how to say it like there’s no words..i don’t even know if this makes sense…but anyways I’m 24 been dealing with this forever i just pray that one day i can love myself and be happy

  • dan

    I feel worthless. I haven’t been doing any homework since the start of the year because it feels like torture. I don’t even know why this happened to me. I don’t even have a major reason. I feel like shit and I feel guilty. I don’t want to take medicine. I already take 5 because I don’t eat that much. Never have. I have no social skills. I can’t express myself. I feel like crying everyday,and I can’t. My eyelids keep hurting and I don’t know why. I spend most of my time on a computer. I’m to scared to suicide, and I don’t want to end my life. Even though life has become a slow process, I’d rather suffer for all this time than see eternal darkness, not feel, and have no memories. Memories of my childhood are all that I have to hold onto now.

  • James

    Hi, no one will probably reply to this. But I feel so…dull. I dont care about anything anymore. I skip interviews and just sit in my room. I dont even feel like crying anymore. I feel so weird. I dont want to get up in mornings.

  • Rhi

    Depression… changes from day to day. Some are good, some are bad. For me, it’s like. A ghost, a really heavy ghost just floating around with me. I don’t feel “sad” as such, I don’t hate myself, I don’t want to die. I like myself. I think I’m a good person, and that my friends and family love me. I have good body image. But I don’t like how the depression makes me. Everything feels melancholy and heavy. I sleep too much or too little; I barely manage to eat one meal a day. I’m always, always exhausted. Seriously, I’ve never been so tired in my life! I constantly need a rest, I can’t stay out for too long, and even when I do go out for a short while (going to the shops or something) I come back and just sleep. I can’t achieve anything any more, because everything takes so much effort. I can’t do my work, I can’t draw, paint, sing, play guitar, watch TV, play video games. I can’t talk to friends without feeling exhausted and unable to deal with them. Hell, they frustrate me – everything does now. I feel guilty because that’s not me in any way at all; I’m the person other people turn to for help and understanding. And I feel like this illness will stop me from achieving anything with my life, that I’ll never live up to my potential.
    I don’t want to hurt myself and die – at all – but sometimes I feel like fading away would just be so much less exhausting and melancholy. I’m sick of being depressed. It makes me not me, you know? Probably doesn’t help that I also have OCD, haha.

  • pathetique

    feeling low tonight, looking at dating sites makes me feel awful.
    Sometimes I think I’m pretty but oftentimes I think I’m so ugly I don’t belong in this world.
    I want to kill myself since 7yrs old I’ll held my breath underneath and don’t breathe for 3 minutes.
    I think I was so smart I know I don’t want to live my life.
    It didn’t get better I think it’s the extential depression, I don’t want to live just to live, I want to live to have an adventure and meet people like me, artist, gypsies, imaginative people.
    I don’t want to be around my dysfunctional and harassing family.
    I’m soon 30 and I haven’t accomplished anything of those dreams.
    I think it’s pathetically telling me how I’m not meant for this world.
    I don’t know. I should be grateful because kids die from illnesses, how ironic huh that mothers and fathers love their kids so much they’ll pay that much to get their kids healthy while other children are born almost invisible to their parents because they’re just another child to support.
    well life is pathetic.

  • RoyalDark_Slayer

    For me, the best way to describe what depression feels like would be that it’s a living nightmare.
    Try to imagine the most realistic nightmare you’ve ever had. Maybe it was something that scared you awake in the middle of the night, and until you woke up, your mind was under the impression that whatever you experienced in that nightmare was absolutely real.
    You felt relieved to find it was only a really bad dream, but you could still recall almost every one of those deep, dark, dreadful and intense emotions associated with that horrible dream.
    Depression feels like this. It feels like you are trapped in a nightmare and at some point you begin to believe that you’re only having a bad dream, but ultimately you come to the realization that you are already awake, no matter how many times you pinch yourself, there is an awful churning rock of dread that drops into the pit of your stomach when you discover that you are not dreaming for once and following that are the dark depths of intense emotions associated with the realistic nightmare I described above. You feel there is no escape. You are completely restrained. No one understands what you are going through. You have a second conscious; a dark side, like another person invading you that constantly brings you down, makes you pessimistic, anxious, sad and uninterested in leisurely activities you once enjoyed. It makes you cry for no reason at all. It takes control of you. It makes you behave, think, speak or act differently than you normally would and that’s only if you can understand what normal really felt like in the first place. You start to isolate yourself from the world. You develop anxiety over countless things that seem stupid to you. Some friends and family will become distant either because they do not know how to deal with the person you’ve become, or because they generally don’t want to be around you. Relationships are difficult to utterly impossible. Your dark side reminds you that every negative thing that happens around you is your fault, that you’re a failure, and depending on the person that depression affects, that dark side convinces you that you can’t amount to anything, so you contemplate what a terrible life you have and consider ways to cope with the pain, if not acting on them. You’re in constant suffering, like you have a noose around your neck, hanging and waiting for death to follow.
    I have had to be coaxed into realizing that the drama in my life was caused by depression. I had gone almost 12 years before finally getting help. Depression will affect everyone differently, though. I only speak from my point of view, and for me, depression has been quite struggle to sometimes believe I have it combined with trying to accept it as something I can never cure.
    On the plus side, depression is treatable and it is possible to once again feel like the person you once used to be. Believe me, there are people in the world at this very moment who care about those that suffer. There is someone out there that doesn’t know any of us, but they care– especially when friends, family or relationships seem to fall apart. I had to learn everything the hard way and I understand what it’s like to have your own blood push you away because of your mental illness. My closest sibling did this to me after years of dealing with how depression affected me.

  • Sunny

    I have some symptoms and I am depressed some of the time only. I also cut myself during that time but rarely. Does that count as being depressed.

  • Malynn

    I’ve been going through really bad depression since I was in my early twenties. I think it started when I was about 23 or 24 and i’ll be 29 this year. So I guess seven years of pure hell, but I remember wanting to kill myself as far back as middle school. Back then I had the distinct feeling that I was never going to amount to anything, and that’s still something that pretty much defines how I feel now being depressed in my twenties. I typically feel like a walking curse every day. I feel like I hurt or wound every person that gets close to me and that all I am is an embarassement to everyone. Life just hurts and lately i’m perpetually tired. I don’t know how to describe how my depression feels-the light isn’t as bright, it’s extremely hard (if not impossible) for me to feel happiness and joy, the natural world holds little to no meaning, i don’t care about ANYTHING…i could go on. Pretty much everything on this list I hit and have dealt with or already deal with. But I really don’t want to. I have a lot of trouble sleeping-I either can’t fall asleep or I don’t sleep through the night, or else I have night terrors where I bolt upright and run out of bed screaming.
    My main focus is the very specific fear that my grandpa is going to die. He and my grandmother raised me, so I really have more of a strong connection with him and my grandma than I do with my actual parents. This tortures me. Sometimes I can’t sleep because of it and its the first thing on my mind before I wake up and the last thing before I go to sleep. This fear and the soul-deep emptiness that I feel-like I’m a black hole that can’t ever be filled are the worst symptoms. They steal my hope and every positive emotion that I have. To this day I have pacts hidden around my room on notepaper that say if I haven’t accomplished such and such a thing by the time i’m 35 (that’s my cut-off date) i’ll kill myself. I don’t know how many of these notes I have hidden around my room, by now it’s probably at over a hundred. At this point, death seems like a welcome friend, plus I would get to be with my grandparents again after they’re gone.

    I want to hurt myself to have an excuse to cry constantly (which I do) but I can never bring myself to do it. So now I just drink at night until I either pass out on my floor or until I have no more desire to drink. I’m in therapy and have been for about six months, but it’s not helping, because I simply feel worse or about the same as when I started. I’m just so tired and I really want to rest and be done with everything.

  • Alpaca

    I’ve been through depression before
    It haunts me….I feel like no one understands what I feel like. Sometimes you feel like your nothing to anyone and have no reason to live. Everything around you seems like they want to get away from you too.I feel like my family is treating me like I’m nothing to them…I’m just a dog.I used to LOVE hanging out with my friends, using electronics, and playing but now I don’t. The only time I feel relaxed is when it rains. I think of rain as my home.When you have depression, you want your life to end….

  • Madeline

    I’m madeline and I’m 14 years old.I feel like there is no point in life and I just want to spend my days rotting away in my bed until I die. I have depression, BPD, bulimia,and social anxiety disorder. I had depression when I was 10 and that lasted for about 6 months maybe. But it recently came back and I find no point in life because i’ll be too scared and depressed and anxious to talk to people in the future. I’m so severely depressed I just want to die and I just wish I would fall asleep and never wake up. Also bulimia is killing me so if I keep purging i’ll die and that’s what I want.

  • Margo

    Don’t give up! Don’t EVER give up! Where there is life, there is hope.My depression started when I was a teenager. I went more than 40 years dealing with it the best I could,struggling to survive, raise children, do what was necessary, never understanding what was wrong with me.I suffered from all those symptoms listed above. The only reason I am still alive is because after all that time I finally confided in a friend and she convinced me to take a medication. I was one of the lucky ones- the first one I took (Viibryd) worked. This depression is genetic in my family- my 25yo daughter also is affected, but has responded to the same drug. Prozac made her worse,St. John’s wort helped but not nearly enough, and two other drugs almost caused a suicide. The point is, there may be an answer. Don’t give up, don’t give in. Keep moving the best you can, take the steps you can, and always keep looking for answers- the looking helps keep hope alive. My life has been resurrected. I wish I could wrap my arms around each one of you and give you strength to keep on…

  • T

    I’ve been alone for my whole life so far, i love sports im actually really good at basketball and football I wish my family was more supportive of me in sports, but anyways im 22 years old now i always work hard and i always give everyone a helping hand, i try to help people when i see someone sad or has problems n I always give them good advice, I dont have friends i just work, sometimes i get real depressed n think of suicide n plan out my whole death n everything, but then i think of my mom because I love my mom so freakin much I will never leave her alone, sometimes i sit n think alot really deep thoughts, i really wish someone would be there for me because throughout my life it seems like no one really cares for me, so i have to care for myself, I have a few great ideas i been working on, hopefully everythin falls into place n I can make a fortune from it n become famous lol, but seriously hardwork paysoff, I just know it will, i hope it will, “Never Give Up Hardwork Paysoff” thats my quote

  • Heyeway

    Well, I am 18 currently. In college (NC A&T) and have gone through my entire experience there depressed. Since I was in 7th grade to be exact. I could tell you my whole story and how I just now detected it, 2 weeks before my Knowledge 19 (19th birthday). But I guess I’m different. I have been shown what that path would lead to…well for me eventually. I lived in my own hell, I think I know how I ended up there too. Anyway, I have decided to turn my life around and I feel free. Lifted. New. If anyone wants to talk with me on how I got this way or can help you, email me at: “heyeway@gmail.com”

  • Lily

    My depression started off slightly when my mother was diagnosed terminally ill with throat cancer, its been there ever since. I describe it as being in another world not caring anymore not doing or enjoying the things I once did.i feel like I’m so slow in thought and movement.the life I once loved seems so far away. I struggle to switch off particularly for sleep. I feel like I’m in coma my day to day life is turned upside down I cant concentrate on the simplest things such as doing the washing up or watching tv. I don’t know how to turn this around I feel lost have palpations most days. I cant remember appointments I’ve even fallen asleep on the bus and ended up 2 miles from my bus stop. My mother passed away 10 months ago. I watched her take her last breath.

  • Vivian

    On the verge of tears. I’ve been depressed from the time I was a small child. Now that I’m older I’m pushing people out of my life. Sadly, nothing is “wrong” in my life. It’s just me. If I take medication then I get “high” at some point. I don’t want that either. Just some balance.

  • AChristianGirl

    I wasn’t officially diagnosed, but I had depression for a few weeks. It was when all my friends left me behind. I felt a little bit hopeless when the last friend walked away. Then the hopelessness began eating away at me. I began to feel lonely and empty. A week didn’t feel like a week unless I cried at least once. I was even crying on Christmas day, when things were supposed to be happy and hopeful.
    When I discovered that something was wrong, I realized that everything felt as if it was slowing down. The only way to describe it is that I felt far from becoming happy again.
    I went to tell my Father that I might have SAD (Seasonal Affective Disorder), but he didn’t listen. All he responded with was “your mother has that too”.
    What would set me off in public was when I saw people with their friends. One time, I was about to go to watch a show with the rest of my performing arts course. I saw everyone together, talking and laughing. I was the only one alone. I felt as if I was marooned on a desert island, yet people could see me and hear me but refuse to make an effort to rescue me.
    I wish someone would have done something about it. Total strangers on the Internet even spoke to me about how I felt. I wanted to give up because everything felt so bland and pointless. I couldn’t even write and act to the best of my ability.
    I don’t know what I felt,
    I knew it had to be close to depression.

  • C

    I cant concentrate on anything anymore. Im feeling more drained than i used to, i miss home. I feel like im alone and i dont know what to do. Its hard talking to people or when i do it doesnt make me feel any better. My mind gets off of it when i do morning exercises but you cant do that all day so my mind wonders back to the sadness. I dont even know whats wrong with me tbh inhonestly dont know why im so sad but i am. Im trying to get out of it really hard trying to focus but i just cant. It feels like its just getting worse.

  • C. Elizabeth

    I’ve just recently been diagnosed and to me in physically and emotionally draining. Back when I was first diagnosed, I frequently had these episodes where I would get voices in my head telling me that I was worthless and i should go kill myself. I didn’t know what to do so I would hit my head with my hand or other objects or I would scratch myself. I haven’t had an episode like that in a long time. However, I still get the voices in my head but have learned to ignore them through a counselor. The feelingnof hopelessness and worthlessness is still there and it’s more annoying than anything because it interferes with my college life. There is physical pain that I have too. My back hurts a lot.
    It really sucks..

  • Traci

    I’m not sure if I’m depressed, but things just seem hard. It’s hard to think, it’s hard to do my regular job, it’s really, REALLY hard to talk to anyone about anything related to me. My friends come to me all the time with their problems and I listen and I actually like listening because I feel useful. Then they hang up and I feel empty.

    I’m by myself a lot becuase my husband and I work opposite hours. That’s not going to change for several months. I have a full time and 3 part time jobs that I genuinelly like. Don’t tell me to practice yoga, I AM a yoga teacher and I practice 3 – 4 times a week.

    I look around at my house and I can identify things that other people would love to have – clothes, clean water, the computer I’m typing on, shelter – and I KNOW I should be grateful, but I am like…meh.

    Am I just bored? Am I just lonely? Is this depression? Or is it life?

    thanks for listening…

  • Laura

    My depression feels like I am constantly drowning underwater. I can see the surface and I want to reach it but I’m so tired and my brain is so full of negative thoughts, it feels like I can’t. It’s like a painful black cloud over my brain that I have no control over removing. On really bad days I don’t even want to reach the water’s surface. I just want to go to sleep forever. I took Citalopram and after a few weeks I felt like I was floating on the water, still with no energy, but it was better. The black cloud was lighter. After another few weeks I felt like I could swim through the water like an Olympian. I could think clearly and enjoy life. I foolishly stopped taking the medication and the drowning/wanting to sleep forever feeling came back. I’m taking it again now so hopefully I will feel like an Olympian again in a few weeks.

  • Jan

    Am 66yr. old. Lost the love of my life last year at this time. Have suffered from some depression on/off most of my life. Losing this man sent me off the edge. All the comments I have read I can totally relate to. I have an 90 yr. old friend who has helped turn me to God. I have always been a believer and now is the only way. I am healthy physically and wish I could give the rest of my years to someone whom enjoys life, like my dear friend. She does have trouble understanding why I haven’t been healed by God, and I need to continue to believe. It feels as though it will never end, I am submerged, don’t really feel like doing anything anymore. Really am happy at the end of the day because I can go to sleep soon. Feel awful in the mornings with anxiety, negative thoughts, nausea and full of envy- thinking of people who are happy, successful, going on trips, just wishing I could function. I am scared of people, afraid to talk to anyone and feel humiliated most of the time, when I do. I wish I at least felt like I used to, where I wasn’t such a mess. Death seems like a relief and have wished that I had a disease, and could die soon. Driving past a tree and thinking-that would be a good tree to smack into. I have gotten past the wishes to die and will just have to wait, hoping the Lord will give me some enjoyment of life again. It does feel hopeless and desperate. I look for something or someone to help. I know it is up to each of us to recover but it is so hard and exhausting. I am sorry to read the writings of so many others going through the torment of depression as I am, makes me sad. I wish it would go away for all of us. I am going to pray for all of us. Love to each and everyone of you out there, I truly understand.

  • Isis

    I feel so depressed.
    Everyday is a constant battle
    My husband doesn’t make it easier
    Constantly reminds me of mistakes I’ve made and has dragged me down more below than I feel.
    I can’t do anything right.
    I have no place to live and currently living a nightmare with my kids
    All I want to do is sleep and forget everything
    I usto love to cook now it just disgusts me.
    I hate my life, I hate myself
    I’ve gained so much weight from being depressed. I’m not the girl I usto be
    I tried to change and just let things pass me by but it’s impossible.
    To my husband everything I do is bad. I I talk or if I stay quiet it’s always something.
    Now I’m pregnant
    I vomit everyday
    And sometimes don’t eat at all to not feel sick
    I hardly take care of my kids or want them around
    I have no idea what I’m going to do with another baby
    I’m tired of being at home all day everyday with them
    I never have time for myself
    I can’t even fix myself anymore
    I feel ugly and horrible
    I don’t like going anywhere
    All I want to do is get in a dark hole and sleep all day everyday
    I want for once them to take care of me instead of me worrying about everyone.
    I don’t know how I’m going to get through this it’s been months and still I continue to feel the same.
    Maybe everyone will be happy when I die
    I’ll stop all the crap that’s going on in my life.
    I hate myself
    I hate everything about me
    I wish everything could go back to normal and that I could be that perfect girl I was back then
    But I’m human we all make mistakes and God knowshe knows how much I regret all I’ve done.
    I’ve given my life to Christ but nothing seems to be repairing.
    Nothing seems to get better.
    I love my husband and kids but I just feel that they all hate me
    And don’t want me around
    I try so hard to please them but this pregnancy has me so sick I just don’t have energy sometimes
    Can they understand.

  • Marco

    I’ve been depressed like anyone else in the world I suppose, who really has experienced life – with its ups and downs.
    The thing with depression is that for people with it, life is just down. Maybe you will get a day of up or an hour, but then its down and stagnant again.

    Depression can stem from so many things. No drugs will cure it, because depression stems from problems you have…

    Failure: A BIG one. Its hard to feel up when you feel like a loser and humiliated after failing something; a business venture for example that went bust almost immediately… Its humiliating and demoralizing.
    Easy route to depression.

    People: Being surrounded by assholes is a sure fire way to enter into depression.

    Perception Issues: Perception can get you there, but depression keeps you there by manipulating your perceptions.

    Overall: TRAPPED. A person who is depressed can never see a way out, whatever their issues.

    And to top it all off, if you have a number of crises going on at the same time, you will break completely and enter into a low that is beyond dark.

  • Mary

    My whole life, I’ve felt odd. I never really liked my mother, for one reason or another and it only got worse after she divorced my father and took us girls with her, when I was 8. My 2 older sisters soon went back to my father, me only after 5 years and the school psychologist told them I had to. Life never got better, I still to this day feel odd. I feel like people look at me funny, they say mean things and it bothers me forever. I remember negative things for forever and a day. I feel like the only people that like me are my husband, my kids and my dogs. No matter how I try, I feel everyone else could care less if I disappeared. I don’t feel as though I am paranoid, I truly believe this is real. If I had a funeral, only my family would show up. I have felt this way my whole life and nothing seems to change. I cry a lot, but I don’t feel depressed, but something must be wrong with me.

  • K.S.

    I’m almost 16. I know I should be excited about this and feel a new sense of freedom about being able to drive and get a job and be able to do things without my family, but the truth is, I don’t. I have a boyfriend and he makes me happy, but he doesn’t even know that I feel the way I do. I feel like the life as been sucked out of me, I cry about almost everything and it’s ridiculous and I can’t even stop myself from crying. I feel sad almost all the time and it never goes away, all I want is for it to go away. I have such a hard time getting up in the morning, today my mom told me I have to start waking myself up in the morning, and I don’t know how I’m going to do that. I don’t have any friends because I’ve pushed all of them away because I don’t want to be friends with people who have said mean things to me or behind my back and my mom doesn’t get that, she thinks that I just need to be friends with everybody but she just doesn’t get it. I don’t have anyone to talk to. When I’m in school I can’t focus on what the teacher is saying because I don’t care, I want to care but I just can’t. I want to go to a great college and be a writer or a social worker but I don’t feel like I can achieve those dreams because I can’t do anything in school. My family makes me very angry all the time they don’t even do anything they talk to me and I get very very upset. I went to therapy for awhile 2 years ago but the therapist told my mom I was okay and I wasn’t I wasn’t at all and my mom just yanked me out of therapy without even asking me and i just feel so messed up and sad. I don’t even know if I have depression but I feel like I am living with it.

  • Jim Burns

    Wow! Depression is some bad stuff. Like a monster that wants to eat me alive. I try to remember when I was young and full of life. It was decades ago. Nobody thinks I should be depressed because I have done so much.

    I wake up every morning and know I have talk to my wife about trivial matters. Matters I quit caring about years ago. Get some help she says. I’ve had help several times. Same old treatment. 100 dollars an hour to talk to someone who doesn’t understand. Take up a hobby. Why? Get out there and open up. To whom?

    I’m a Marine Corp vet. Supposed to be a tough guy. I don’t feel so tough. I have family that doesn’t care. Loneliness is my only friend. Go to church they say. “No” I say.

    The docs used to give me valium, Librium for anxiety. Now they got new drugs I don’t want. My mind doesn’t think fast and I can barely understand what people are saying. I’m not sad. I’m blank. I don’t care about anyone or anything. I used to be generous. I ache all over and only want to watch TV or look out the window.

    My wife says snap out of it. How do I do that when it’s ancored like a boat in shallow water. I tried to get disability benefits. The doc asked me a few questions. Never saw the guy before, but after 15 minutes he deemed I could work. What is the matter with those idiots? Seems like I lost the keys to my own destiny. I could go on and on. What good would it do?

    This is what depression feels like.

  • Brianna

    I drew something (mildly disturbing) recently that I think explained my situation pretty well. It helped me to kind of make sense of what I was feeling.
    It feels like there’s a barrier between who I am and what I can think/feel, so it’s like everything I experience is dulled (and I’m forced to be aware of it), but the person buried deep inside is strangled and bleeding. The worse part is being able to feel the barrier.
    Personally, my depression hits hard if one of two things happen. 1: if the “separation” increases to the point where I end up feeling completely numb, empty, and/or trapped (this is when I tend to relapse). Or 2: if the “separation” decreases to the point where I can feel everything with raw intensity… and if that raw feeling happens to be pain, it’s kicked up to something so unbearable, feelings suddenly become a very bad thing.
    One of my problems is that I will get pretty stable, be able to ignore the barrier and still keep in touch with the person inside, though everything I feel will be dulled to where nothing can bother me all that much, and I’ll get used to it. I can be at peace with it. The problem: when I try getting close to other people or I experience a lot of happiness, the barrier changing size all the time becomes extremely noticeable AND I end up in touch on-and-off with the person within who’s sensitive and starts bleeding every time the barrier comes back up even a little bit.
    So with even the slightest instability, whether from good things or bad, generally goes on a downward slope to raw pain pretty quickly.
    I guess I’ve gone for kind of an odd way of explaining it, but I hope this helped someone. There’s plenty I missed about this, like the lack of drive, the fact that even little tasks can be overwhelming, and the numerous other effects, but I did my best. If I had any advice, it would be just to hold on tight and to never give your happiness to anyone else. They don’t deserve that much power over you.
    And really, please trust me when I say you have much, much more power than you think and it will be worth it.

  • edith

    Feeling lonely like I am not here but inside looking out at the world that is happy and laughing. what dos it feel like to be happy.I some time’s have little flash backs to the Times I uesed to want to get out of bed. now my bed is my life.I feel nobody cares or is even interested whether I am here or not.feel like I am in a different world one where everything is dark there is no sunshine no laughter no nice feelings just Dred.I don’t want to feel like this I want to be happy again but don’t know how.just sitting in this bubble watching and waiting for someone to come and rescue me but thay never come thay just walk on bye and smile like I am one of them.but I am not. I scream help me but no one ever dos.

  • wayne

    I can relate to almost all of the above because for the last 20 years the only time I am happy is when I am asleep and dreaming as soon as I open my eyes all I can think of is wanting to take my own life the days are long my body hurts constant headaches , cry at the drop of a pin rarely venture outside . I am 56 yr old male raised 2 daughters by myself & they are the ONLY reason I am still here as I don’t want to hurt them , No one even wants to listen all I hear is snap out of it IF ONLY it was that easy , doctor put me on Zoloft 500 but nothing changed am no longer on them figured don’t do nothing why take them & now I don’t even go to doctors as I was getting well where do you want to go from here I DONT KNOW

  • Cee Cee

    When I’m depressed, I want to die and have it be over. When I’m not depressed, that thought never even occurs to me. Depression almost feels like physical pain, but one that can’t be described. It is always there in the background coloring everything you do. How horrible I think I am and how lazy! I can sleep all day and then sleep some more. I don’t get dressed or washed, I can’t be bothered. Each time I think of what I should be doing, I reach for food–nothing healthy, mind you–just something with sugar or salt and fat. I don’t want to go anywhere, and I don’t want to deal with people. The only place I make sure to go is to see my therapist. I would have been dead long ago if it wasn’t for him. It may yet happen. The first episode of depression that I remember was when I was 17 years old. I didn’t even know what it was at the time. I just laid on the couch and listened to music while thinking of ways to die. I’m 64 now and have had episodes my whole life. People can never believe I am depressed because I always put on my smiley face for them. I go around the corner and my face collapses into a face of pain. I’ve taken various meds over the years, some helpful and some not. I used to cry at the drop of a hat, but since taking Lexipro, I can hardly cry at all. It is helpful at work (it was so exhausting to try to not cry there) but it seems unnatural somehow. I just wish the pain would stop permanently, and I wouldn’t hate myself and life anymore.

  • Karrie

    I’m struggling so much right now to keep going on with life. It’s a feeling of existing but not living. I had to call a hotline last night. Meds aren’t helping much and I can’t really explain why I’m so sad. Not able to do anything. I don’t want to dress stay in pj’s all day, get out of bed,showering, cleaning anything I have no desire to do. And when I do something it takes all that in me to do it. I have no energy. I’m wasting my life away. I’ve gained 40 pounds because food does comfort me I quit smoking and now I have nothing to do or have any interests in. I don’t want to go on this way. I’m trying to see my doctor but I feel like no one is listening. I do know I need help.

  • William Nolan

    Honest to god this explained every bit of everything I feel daily… I thought I was alone. I guess it helps a bit more knowing someone else can connect to I. It’s been really stressful and depriving for me lately, and just to think how reading this made me feel much better… Not like I am cured or anything, but it’s better to know that if ever I do go, it’s not without excuse… But if is a strong word. Great article.

  • donut

    my eyes are dead and my smile is forced. i feel alone constantly battling something inside me. i feel blank. i try to get busy but it still lingers like a shadow. i want to be in love just so i can have a feeling which i can identify. lately, i have a habit of spacing out and i need wine to sleep.

  • ry

    My depression is a sinister, evolving, morphing, living, breathing beast in my life. It’s a devilish trickster that works on me slowly until there is nothing left. It will ground you down into nothing, until the very thought of breathing or moving becomes a dread-induced nightmare. Family and friends transform into malicious evil forces that wish harm on you, and your own cries for help echo into the eternal void of misery. Food, sex, pleasure, and the natural stimulation of the world is a distant memory, replaced by the gnarling mist of depression’s relentless violence. Suicide becomes the only hope for a way out.

  • Kari

    It always comes back, sooner or later. I’ve had it most of my life. For me, it hasn’t gotten better, it’s how it is, most of the time now. There might be a couple of hours, or a day, where things feel more or less okay but basically it’s just waiting for this joke of a life to be over. Like many here said, going through the motions. Sleep is the only thing I really want to do anymore.

  • Royal

    Most of my life I have felt a sense of loss especially in the winter months. I don’t like fall, especially dislike night fall, just about the time the sun sets in the winter months. As the light goes away, and darkness comes in. I feel scared afraid that there is nothing there. I feel apart of life, except I am not. Like st any moment I will fall in the abys. I have many good thoughts, but nothing seams to make sense. I try to smile with my kids and wife, but not sure why I would smile. No reasons pee say. Laughter is hard for me, not natural. I am in a need of want, but unclear of what. I couldn’t tell you what would make me happy, have troubles making decisions. I think I am loved, but no idea what that looks like. Or why. I feel as i am defective.

  • sue

    l am so glad l came upon this forum ,l have live most of my life with on/off depression,my panic attacks have been a part of the depression,l have P.T.S , my dad died of lung cancer,l had a break down,then three years ago my mom dist of throat cancer and she did not smoke,a year later my husband died of lung cancer,last week my mammogram came back showing a place that is 7cc in size l am to have another mammogram in 6 months,l am scare but trying not to panic ,l need your prayers

  • Delisa

    I think I’ve been depressed most of my life. My father was an alcoholic, I was adopted, I was the whipping ‘girl’ in the house. I was blamed for everything that went wrong. I received so many beatings, at the hands of m father, I can’t put a number to it. I could never please him. I married the first man that asked me (also an alcoholic), just so escape, had two beautiful children. Divorced him. The children gave me a purpose, so I could put all my energy into them. My mind was always on them. I could forget my past. When they grew up, I went thru ’empty nest’ syndrome … bad. I have 99% of the symptoms listed. I have a daughter I see frequently and grandson I adore. I have a son, that has decided to be a lifelong bachelor (because of me), that absolutely hates me. I’ve done everything to win his love, affection and approval. I realize I spent my early life trying do that very same thing with my father. that list does not include the feeling of being, just, lost. LOST. I am now 64….lost, useless, old, invisible, unwanted and realizing my time is limited and, to tell the truth, i’m glad. I could go on and on and on, but nobody wants to hear this. So, i’ll shut up. Thank the Good Lord I keep a journal.

    • Antoinette Monteiro

      Hi Delisa, I want to thank you for sharing your story. I want to let you know you are worthy, deserving in living your truth. You are not old, you are very strong to go through what you have gone through. I want to thank you for sharing your strength.

  • Masoud

    I just don’t know how to explain. But people say it’s good to write things on your mind and share it to others.

    I used to be an active person, I mean I could do anything, I was so happy. I had a real great life, which I can only see it in the dreams now. When I remember those times. I start crying. I can’t remember all the great moments of course.

    Anyway, everything was fine till last years and I don’t even know why or how it went so bad. But right now, my life is gray, everything moves slowly, every movement I try to take will finish in a failure. And it all went to worst when I lost my mom almost 2 years ago. I used to live with her in the last years. Now I feel hopeless about my desires.

    Besides of all the things I mentioned, I have anxiety. I feel anxiety about everything. I do also feel guilty for no reason. I can give you a example, a car crash happened, I start telling my self I could stop that car crash. And the worst part is I think I was the reason of that. So yeah I feel guilty about any wrong decision I take or anything bad happens in my life.

    Well the doctor gave me things to do some great stuff, something like other happy people do. I tried, but I failed, again. Then they gave me pills, they were fine, but they made me more slower. So I decided to stop taking pills.

    Then I made the worst mistake in my entire life, smoking cigarettes and using drugs. It was fine at first you know, I mean it was really great. But after months I found out I’m doing the biggest mistake in my life and it’s not going to help me. So I stopped taking drugs and only smoking cigarettes till I completely stopped smoking cigarettes. I think it was the only good decision I made in my life, but it was just for 14 months, I started smoking last day. That is why I’m here now, writing worst parts of my life. Because right now, I scare going to drugs again. I really scare that.

    I wish the bests for the people like me, people who are dealing with depression/anxiety. And I hope no one go through that.

    Sorry for my bad English btw, English is not my main language.

  • Jampone

    I loved him who had lover already then I tried to forget him but I can’t do it . Can’t forget him . How should I do ? All are simple but I can’t leave him and I can’t make that decisions. I hate myself why I missing to him every day & night. That feelings make me crazy. I don’t wanna have that feels anymore .

  • Frances

    Deep feelings of shame and guilt. Embarrassment at being a burden. Crippled by anxiousness, being constantly worried something will happen to my kids or husband. Being the black sheep of the extended family, my illness is the result of the narcissistic traits of both of my parents and intense emotional abuse and pressure as a child. Knowing that it is not my fault does not make it easier. Wishing every day that they loved me. I just want this feeling to go away but the more I try to make it go away the further it pulls me in. Having an intense desire for someone to reach into my brain and take away whatever it is that isn’t working. This depressive episode has lasted since January 2014, so two years now, I’m not sure how much longer I can go on, I exist for my children only. Seeing the world as it really is, full of corruption, lies and war. Feeling the weight of my comfortable Western lifestyle whilst being powerless to stop it. Despairing at the success of ignorant non-empathetic money-worshippers. Being called ‘mentally insufficient’ by chavs despite having an IQ of 146. Losing interest in things I used to love, like music. Always seeing the worst in every situation. Crying silent tears when people are not looking, my head inside a glass jar whilst it slowly fills with water. I would not wish this disease on my worst enemy.

  • Sahanna

    Recently I can’t seem to pull out of this state of mind. Every event seems meaninglessness. I care about yhe people around me and I want good for everyone, but when it comes to myself I hope for the worst and see the worst. My thoughts are always negative and paranoid. I just wish that I could take myself apart piece by piece. Outings with friends feels like I’m looking through a foggy glass. I’m always worried about how their feeling about what I have said. There is no end to my feeling of worthlessness.

  • Isai S.

    It’s hard to describe, everything feels black and white, like nothing has a significant meaning or outcome, you feel burdened as if you need to come out, but as what? Sad? You feel that no one understands you, you cry over things you usually wouldn’t thinks that wouldn’t have a big meaning to you, if you’re not crying you want to cry, everything is black and white, friends and people you thought you liked seemed kind of insignificant to you now, you feel your life is completely monotonous everything is now boring you look for something to make you happy, to make your life more exciting, to give you something to look forward to, but it seems to be a novelty that quickly wares off, I don’t have any cures. You’re so much more different than everyone around you, you have no motivation, you do things that you aren’t motivated to do therefore having no purpose, I don’t know how to treat it monotony consumes me and my energy, but it’ll eventually pass, you will be able to live a happy life one day, won’t that be a day, when you’ll feel comfortable once more, happy again. I feel better being able to vent on here thanks for reading, bye!

  • Chris

    I think the main article hit the nail on the head. I have dealt with suicidal depression for 30 years and am nearly 40 now. I just recently stayed inpatient at a mental hospital for another suicide attempt. I start thinking about all my failures in life, how I suck as a husband and father, how I dropped out of college, how I lost every job I’ve lost and how poorly I’m doing at my current job. I think of all the money we should have either saved or invested wisely, but it slipped away because I was afraid to speak up. No one seems to listen to my reasoning behind things, so life is made so much more complex and tiring than it should be. It’s like being in a deep well, seeing just a speck of light at the top that is unreachable. Then you just don’t want to see that light anymore and wish it would finally fade to black. I start thinking existentially, seeing there is no point in this life after all. And then the thought of not feeling anymore and not existing anymore feels comforting. No amount of medication or positive thinking has ever worked because we see just how real this darkness is. I’m only holding on for family and friends, but my wish is that I go to sleep and never wake up.

  • lily

    im only 14 and its so difficult for me to even wake up in the morning and get out of bed. it takes me forever to get ready, everything feels like its in slow motion, like minutes are hours and days feel like weeks. school is a distraction on most days but occasionally i’ll find myself drifting into a dull world during class. at home, im not motivated to do anything, i dont procrastinate on my homework, i just CANT do it. i just lay in bed and i dont talk to anyone. im never hungry and when i do eat it makes me feel sick (i dont have any eating disorders). i cant cry. everything just feels dull. like im so sad i just drown in how sad i am. i enjoy helping my friends with their problems, as well as going on omegle and giving advice to others. its funny because i give out advice that could easily help me, but i cant listen to it. i cant help myself and it feels like nothing is ever going to get better.

  • Emanuel Villarreal

    Depression is a mental disease that slowly devours our positive emotions and therefore positive outlook in life. I have personally had depression for several years now. I feel nothing has changed even with a concoction mixture of different medicines. It leaves the mind feeling numb. I don’t know if it’s reality that makes me feel this way. I cannot bear the sight of people falling in love with each other while stand alone having to suck up in all their happiness. I feel so alone, it’s not even funny. At times I want to change my persona to a vigilante but I’d be sure I would be screwed either way. Can people just keep romance to themselves. Maybe that’s why bad things happen to good people. Have you ever thought of that? All terror attacks not just in the United States are acts of hatred. Not of ignorance. Whether it’d be a matter of ethics or not, people are very mean. I rest my case.

  • Dean

    Hello, everyone. Firsthand, I feel like depression has made me lethargic, unmotivated, dispirited, and empty. It’s been like this for almost 8 years for me, on and off. It really is a nuisance. I’ve made 2 attempts at my life. The first one, I almost slit my throat, but I was interrupted with the sound of my parents coming through the front door. The second time, I was about to overdose on prescription medications, but a friend talked me out of it. I have harmed myself deliberately since I was 12 years old because of a constant cycle of self-loathing. Currently, I’m 16 years old, writing out this, to let people understand how depression feels. It feels like you’re drowning. Faking a smile almost daily. Being at a constant war with yourself. Wanting things to just go away, one way or another. Depression isn’t just sadness. Depression targets all it can and reduces it to near nothing. You feel hopeless. Like you’re in a dark pit, and you see a rope, but that rope only extends to half the distance needed to escape from said pit. The rest is a difficult climb out. The rope symbolizing things like counseling, medications, and other treatments. But a change can only arise if you put forth the effort to get better. People with depression, know this. You are NOT alone, and it ISN’T hopeless.

    Keep fighting,
    From Dean

    • lily

      you couldnt have describe it better. not gonna lie, i was scared to post a comment because i would have to put my email but i figured i may aswell. i began selfharming when i was 12 too. i was clean for 583 days until october of 2015, and ive been clean for a month now. im only 14 and i find it strange that we are so young and still feeling like this. it feels like im an alien and no one else my age understands. i hope you read this, i really liked your comment.

  • Ali Amiri

    I am a complete useless person. I am betrayed and i also betrayed one of my friend. I am shattered to pieces and i can’t get my shit together anymore. I am devastated by the storm in my life. The storm is so heavy that i can’t bare it anymore. I am done with everything, but i will not end my life, because i just can’t. I have my reasons to live as long as possible. I have been judged without the people understanding me. There are alot misconception in life. I am writing this with no emotion at all, because i don’t trust anyone anymore. My faith helps me keep going on, otherwise i would have already given up. I live alone in this world without having anyone. I go through alot of things that no one seems to understand or care a bit. This world is so cruel and meaningless. People lied about me all my life. I am so unlucky that a small thing in my life changes against me and kills me every single day. I want to say one thing, never give up, keep going. show to the world and yourself that you can cope with all this unbearable pain you hold. Show your strength to all by keep going on and fighting against all the sufferings. Don’t lose hope. I hope you all were here with me so that we could share our pain and sufferings with each other.

    • Emanuel Villarreal

      I feel your pain friend. Even at this moment I feel exposed and vunerable. There are wolves amongst the sheep that are making this world seem cruel when it’s supposed to be happy and friendly for all people. Betrayal it seems is essential for survival but if to betray one’s brother is to thrive in evilness, then give me death!

  • Sick and tired

    It’s like you are on a planet and others are on a different planet and at most you just can wave your hands for eachother!
    My depression is getting worse day after day. I can’t talk to anybody about it. Everynight i wish i die before i wake.
    Every single thing bores me to death. Don’t enjoy anything. Don’t like to go anywhere. I’m even too tired to dress and go somewhere. I really need professional help and don’t have the money for it.
    I’m sick of living. So sick of it that i like to just start running and running and stop where no one knows me.
    P.s. i have everything in life. No major crisis. A very good husband. Good family. Money, etc. And yet i feel this emptiness

  • Berenice

    I am suffering terribly at the moment. I am finding it difficult to function. I am scared, because I have 2 children to care for. No one in my family understands. maybe only my 6 year old. he asks me whats wrong, and why do I forget things and why I don’t smile anymore. That just makes me even more depressed, because I want to be the best for them but just cant. My husband has no idea what is going on. Mostly because he doesn’t want to. I am loosing him too. My job is killing me. I am just not happy. Actually I don’t know who I am anymore. I am really scared and I don’t know what to do.

  • Raj

    Somebody help me right now please! I’m sitting here for an interview feeling hopeless. Been fighting with depression and anxiety for a decade in vain. The only reason I’m stopping myself from suicide is because of my parents. I don’t want to hurt them more

  • taps

    i am beyond depressed, i believe in God because he blessed evry1 else besides me he seems to have forgotten all abt me. i live in a community wer not bng married at my age u r jus insignificant. its not my fault i long for love i cnt find it anywer Godlord i tried i believe life would have bn better with some1 even if hes abusive i wldnot have mind had i bn married wld worship that man but obviously after e lord. My only hope of survival is knowing one day i will leave this place hopefully since its jus me myself and i. but i dont intend to commit suicide myb if e lord rembers me by at least pushing my death tmwr i wld be gratefully since i was not rembered marriagwise.death gives me hope now

  • Linda

    I feel like I cant breath. my body hurts all the time and I try & retry to love the things I use to love. I think of how my death would be and if i’ll even be remembered how would I be remembered would my kids even know what I tried to do for them. I’m in a bad relationship its like I live limited and am grounded all the time. sad to say that I was always grounded when I was small because I was abused by my mother. my mother did sick things to me, invaded my privacy, body searched me if she thought I was doing something wrong, slapped me across my face so many times that sometimes I still feel the pain. My father has been gone since 1996 and I feel like that was the last time in my life that I was cared for, and treated well. I ran away to my boyfriend to escape my mom abusing me I was young now I’m about to turn 35 I’ve been suicidal for a while and sometimes the dark spells hit hard, it hurts when we fight argue, the way my boyfriend treats me is so disrespectful, so hurtful, I don’t even feel like I really belong anywhere I just stare off into space and feel/see nothing. I’m depressed, controlled. I want to be happy, well..i don’t remember the last time I felt like I belonged anywhere.

  • Amy

    Hello,

    I am 22 and every single day that I have woken up in the past few months I have felt like a failure, a hollow living space. I feel that the brightness of stars is seen because they are shining against the black sky and I am thoroughly convinced that my purpose in life, my reason to be is to exist solely so that my imperfection and failure only underscore how much better someone else is; like it takes the dark to know the light. I feel like the loser in the group. I haven’t had a friend ever since I was ten years old; I have drifted in and out of superficial friendships that extend to the hello, but never ever close enough, never ever good enough for someone else’s acceptance or interest in my life. Girls hate me and boys, think that I am a toilet seat where you’d get off on to relieve them of their immediate, tangible worlds that they care about- their actual wives, their actual girlfriends, their actual careers, their actual lives, etc. If I stop calling up someone one day, I don’t think anyone would bother to call me up to check if I am ok. I am easy to forget and easy to blame and exceptionally easy to hate.
    I have had suicidal thoughts when I was thirteen as well as thoughts of murder but I got over them before anyone got hurt. Now I am just depressed and there was this one moment in my life, one year of hollowness where I was so ashamed to be alive and I’d cry non-stop. I was failing at everything. My school companions shunned me, my school teachers told me I couldn’t do it, I was fatshamed constantly by my family and the feelings of worthlessness and days and days of no progress and repeated failure…. I feel afraid that I am going back to that after all these years and I do not want to plunge that deep because I am afraid that I will not come out this time whole and the broken pieces, I will not be able to hide from the world. I have had suicidal thoughts recently- I was in my college that there is a big open window many stories up and for no reason, I was close to tears and on pure impulse, I rushed towards it. My head was spinning from all that crying and the urge to jump was soooooo………. strong.
    I am so blank that when I go outside my home, my brain freezes- I cannot think, I cannot feel. I am like this boiled vegetable outside. I have no ideas, no desires( no productive desires), no specific dreams, nothing great to contribute anywhere.
    I have turned towards my religion and I practise it more regularly and that helps me you know; I feel better and fuller and the sense of relaxation that creeps over, meditating in prayer is such a rich, pleasant feeling. I wish I could feel like that all the time, and be ok with not being as amazing as others and just being ok with being rejected over and over again by people.

  • SM

    I never want to do anything. Ever. Sleep is the only thing I’m interested in. Everything anyone says really pisses me off, even if it’s something trivial or meant to be encouraging. I start crying all of a sudden and I’ll stop just as quickly as I started. I need help…I feel so lonely and worthless, as if no one wants me around or they keep me around out of pity. It seems as if I’m slowly drifting away from everyone and everything I’ve ever loved and it. Is. Killing. Me. Depression is a real thing guys. It’s like being stuck in a nightmare.

  • Heather

    I moved from my home town to be with my amazing partner but all i’ve done for the past 5 months is cry. It feels like i’m hurting but theres nothing wrong in my life. The kids seem more settled and my partner treats me like a princess. We dont argue. I don’t understand why i’m not happy and why i’ve fell into deep depression. I even have suicidle thoughts..I’m been through a lot of bad stuff over the years and keep asking myself if i really kno how to be happy ?? Any advice would be very much appreciated. Thank you

  • Irene

    I’ve been through the phases: childhood worry, teenage angst, adult displacement and artistic release, early 30’s regression, and now on to late 30’s dear-deep-dark depression.  There was no feeling today, just an odd sense of shallow breath and consuming, nameless anxiety.  I found myself for the first time saying to others this week, “I am so angry.”  Sometimes the anger is so strong, it’s more like frustration; I imagine this is what it feels like to be paralyzed…and then beat on whatever is near me: slamming doors and drawers, throwing objects, slapping walls, ripping my clothing off to change outfits ten times in a row, wanting to cry but not crying, just seething.  I don’t want anyone to see me this way but sometimes my boyfriend catches me and then I feel ashamed and more angry that I can’t explain or control and he cannot fix.  His problematic behaviors exacerbate all of this.  Some days I want to be no where except work, because it is an escape.  Other days I do nothing all day at my desk except feel burgeoning guilt and fatigue, watching time lag but not able to start any task. So tonight I thought maybe if I took a shower it would wash away the thoughts, but tonight it did not work.  I leaned forehead into the wall with arms crossed and thought of all of it.  Suicide, getting help, medication, reasons, people…all the thoughts were dull and useless.  Then I met all of you.  I exhibit many emotions and responses (not always at the right time). I laugh, cry, go, avoid, resist, give, want, lead, joke, learn, dabble, panic, provide relief, skip work, skip family functions, celebrate friends successes, miss everything I ever loved and regret everything I never did.  My depression is not apathy nor dispair.  It is private and heavy, and I fight through it 24 hours a day even when no one else knows. 

  • Kate

    I’m not sure if depression is really something I realize I had until recently. Looking at all of the online lists of symptoms, I found that none of them truly expressed the reality of how depression sneaks up on you, or how at least for me I feel that one day I will be fine and dandy when the next morning I will slip right back down the hole again to find myself not wanting to get up at all. I cancel all of my meetings, skip all of my classes and stay home from work. The activities that I normally love to do are replaced with the activity of finding a place to hide out in my house for the day, just wanting to be left alone. I feel a heavy weight throughout my whole body and much too exhausted to do anything at all. Days like this I have not a care [to do anything] in the world, and the day passes by. Initially I thought I was being a lazy SOB, and at times I think this is the case! But after consulting with a professional, I found I have a condition — which many people experience and not many can overcome without getting help. I have no real success story for you guys, as most of you know there is no true “win” or “overcome” when it comes to depression. It’s a day by day process, that I think we can all learn to live with if we can be sure to get help and hopefully recognize that this is a real issue that is more common than we think. I’m no expert, but know for sure what it feels like to wrestle with it.

  • Heather

    Depression feels like nothing. Just empty. Totally numb. I found out last night my boyfriend of 3 years cheated. I should be crying uncontrollably or angry. I just don’t feel anything. I don’t want to eat even though I do feel hungry. I don’t want to interact with my customers or even my kids. I want to go home and lay down and stare off into oblivion until I am able to drift off to sleep. I used to think I was broken… I guess I am in a way.

  • L

    When I started reading the symptoms above they seem right on!!!
    I just keep thinking where did I go and how do I get back to myself.
    I look at co- workers and think to myself- I used to be like that, what happened to me. I use to smile so, so much and be so happy over smallest events.
    I keep waiting to blame work, because I don’t want to get up in the mornings, I am late to work, I find other stuff to do at work other than working.
    Does anyone know a way out??

  • Rem

    Been struggling with anxiety since childhood and depression since adolescence. They both messed my life up pretty good in high school, and I started self medicating with illegal drugs which messed me up more. My family finally forced me into the hospital when I started to seriously self injure, and I started seeing doctor after doctor. A lot didnt understand the issues I faced, and it was frustrating, I fought every step of the process. I was put on ineffective medication that just made me lethargic and weird. I graduated high school a social outcast because of this. After I moved out though I stopped taking my medication, and although I got my personality back and made a lot of friends, within a year I was back in the hospital worse off than I had ever been. The only upside of this little “vacation” was that I was referred to my current psychiatrist, who isn’t all that bad. I was put on a few new and more effective medications, and in the ten months since then I’ve gotten a good job, and an amazing girlfriend. My mood has improved somewhat, but I still have serious issues sometimes with isolating myself, and my emotional issues still cause lots of problems in my life and relationships. At its worst, my depression makes it feel like everything I do and experience is just terrible, pointless and meaningless in the end. But instead of a constant feeling it is starting to come in waves and I’m learning more how to cope with my low points. I hate that I’m probably going to have to learn to live with this illness, but I’m finally at the point where I’m ready to fight back and try to live the best life I can.

  • Life's Lost

    As with all the sites online. “Depression” is bad, you “can’t fight it alone” … yet. If you are poor in America, just deal with it. There is zero actual help for anyone when it comes to depression. I am a well educated (two masters degrees) 40 year old guy, since the recession my life has been horrible, no decent job. I’ve watched everything I worked so hard for come to nothing. Watched my children grow up, well loved, but poor. Most days I just really struggle to get out of bed. I have constant thoughts about suicide. No one in my family has the ability to help, or the capacity to help, as they are experiencing all the same things I am. I’m working poor, I don’t have great benefits with any sort of provisions for mental health other than the cursory “call this help line” garbage that gives you a few token counseling sessions, etc. A few years ago I went on anti-depressants, tried three and they were each worse than not being on medication for me. My depression is because I have watched my career burn down, all my dreams are lost, I certainly would have actually committed suicide years ago but I couldn’t do that to my children.

  • egy_senki

    I dont know when this all started, but as far as i can remember i’ve been like this all in my life. Right now i am at the point when i feel absolutely nothing. No joy, no sadness, I dont have any thoughts, my head is empty all the time. And the worst is when i try to tell my family all of this, they just dont give a fuck, or they act like as if i was just exaggerating, or if i was making myself seem stupid all the time.
    I am often angry, and irritated, also rude or its not even rudeness it feels like pure hate, and disgust for everything around me. Sometimes i feel like scraping out my insides to get rid of everything that is there, but how when nothing is there.
    It feels like as if i have no soul.
    I dont care about anyone else’s feelings. Sometimes i think i might be a sociopath, because i am unable to sympathize with ppl.
    I used to love reading, but i dont have the patience for that anymore, its just boring. I was once interested in photography.. i failed at it.
    I always enjoyed drawing but i know i am bad at it because nobody gave a shit so i stopped to upload it. I practiced a lot but after all these years i feel like i am failing at this too. It seems like i am back at square one. Its just seeing all those people who get million times better in just one year. And here i am i have time for it, yet i just cant. I never was a creative person, but fuck it. I had a few creative hobbies but this thing just eats away every creativity.
    Most of the time i’m embarrassed of the things i like. I even feel ashamed of the fact that i like to draw, because people think that if i like it, then i must be good at it, which is not true. This is why i stopped photography too, and also because my camera was not good for macro photography.
    I am a failure, i was and i always will be. I have no friends ( i am extremely introvert so its not really a problem), no job, nothing. I am too old to to go to school, and it would be a waste of time and money, because my memory is really, really bad.
    The only things i have are my cats. They are better than most people, most of the time they are there and they’ll listen. They know how i feel even if i dont say anything. I might be crazy too, but i always said that i am going to be a crazy cat lady and here i am, at age 26 that is the only thing i have accomplished.
    I could write about being like this all day.
    Taking pills is not an opinion for me, because i dont want to get fat again, i am terrified of gaining weight. I cant go to a therapist because of my family. They never supported me in anything… sometimes it seems like as if they dont know how, or they just simply dont care about me. They forget, everybody forgets, and i slowly fade away.
    Now i’ll shut up.
    Sorry.

  • Ann

    All the above points are so true. I don’t know when this started to happen to me but I said to myself one day that this might be depression..
    It’s really eating me on the inside and I cry all the time over this dumb shit.

  • erin

    for me, i feel like the days just go by one after another and nothing significant ever happens even if something good does happen. its difficult for me to get excited- and its easier for me to get bored. getting out of bed in the morning takes forever and i feel as if i could just sleep all day. when i look at the world, it feels like a gray film is forever covering my eyes, and nothing seems as beautiful as i may have thought it was before. i feel lost, hopeless, the lowest person i could ever be… i feel as if the world is closing in on me, and every decision i make will affect me forever. i feel trapped, confused, forgotten, alone. i feel like whenever i laugh, it’s never a real one. smiling while i laugh is difficult. everything seems pointless.

    • Debbie

      These are very similar thoughts and feelings to my own
      I started medication 1 week ago and want to have it all over and done with and feel
      Better already

  • Chelsea

    I just feel tired all the time, no matter how much I sleep. I’m worried about grades (university student) but I’m just too tired to care anymore. It’s almost nauseating to be petrified in fear of failing but being completely unmotivated to do the work anymore. I also live in constant fear of how others judge me. I feel like if I try to reach out to friends, I’ll be accused of faking depression for attention. I know that other people probably feel much, much worse than I do. Actually, scratch out that “probably.” It feels like there’s this elitism, that if you’re able to think “maybe I have depression” that you’re not really depressed and you should suck it up or get over it. There’s this risk that you’ll be accused of being a hypochondriac.

  • K

    I’m very successful and I participate in a lot of extracurriculars. My grades are all very high, and I live a comfortable life. I feel like admitting to anyone that I feel empty and worried constantly would deem me as spoiled. I have dreams every night about getting in trouble or having an awful grade, which seems ridiculous– but it’s happening, and often. I don’t want to talk to any of my friends, it feels like it physically hurts to think of things to say. My mom is very happy and talkative and she loves me very much and I love her but all I want is for her to leave me alone and I get very angry with her for no apparent reason. Every morning it’s a struggle to get up, and sometimes I cry in the morning or after classes because I remember another responsibility that needs to be taken care of. I used to love playing my violin and now practicing seems like a punishment. I used to love singing but I feel like it’s too loud to enjoy anymore. All I really want to do is sleep, because I’m exhausted. But I can’t because I think of all the things I do and suddenly I feel like if I sleep I’ll fail at everything. I cry all the time but I try to convince myself that I’m perfectly normal and mature and when I’ve snapped out of it, I think, “Wow, that was so petty and dumb. If I tell anyone, they’ll think I’m just a little girl who can’t handle things.” Every time, however, I tell myself I’ll go to my doctor or I’ll tell my therapist these things and I never do. I always think I will, and then when I look them in the face, I can’t anymore. But I’m starting to have passive death wishes, like I’ll fight with my mom in the car and wish another car would slam into us and kill me. Automatic thoughts that I really don’t like and I would never consciously do anything to make them come true yet they just pop there anyway. I feel like nothing will get better, like if I’m stressed out now then later in life I’m going to be a wreck, and I already can’t take it. I was diagnosed with an anxiety disorder in the summer and I’m on Zoloft but it’s not doing anything. I’m just tired and hungry but whenever I want to eat every food imaginable sounds awful and I can’t sleep because I have to constantly check all my assignments, check my doors, check that my lights are off, think about how I can be a better person. I’m tired of worrying and being miserable all the time. I’m tired of crying as I get ready in the morning because I don’t feel like dealing with anything. I don’t know who to tell or how to tell them.

  • roland

    im 19 and have contemplated suicide in the past but couldnt bring myself to do it. im currently at university and really want to complete my studies but sometimes everything i do seem so pointless – including my existence. i have to force my self to stand up some days. mistakes i make really linger in my thoughts, sometimes for days and i feel like a failure. i feel ugly and unworthy of anyone’s attraction. i think this is the reason i feel so asexual – im neither attracted to people in a romantic way. i think everyone’s better than me. i sometimes feel im a mediocre, inadequate and completely stupid especially in class when i do something wrong(work related). i get irritated easily and have moods wings. my happy days are quickly distorted by sudden surges of negative feelings. im really reserved, i dont have fun socially anymore, and most of the time want to be alone. is this what depression feels like?

  • Holly

    I’ve never known what it is to feel depressed. Even now I feel like my circumstances are the cause of my worthlessness, but I’m also sure it runs deeper. I don’t want to die because it’ll hurt others; I want to erase my existence so everything can just end.
    I’m so absolutely tired of fighting for the want to live. I just want to stop crying. To stop feeling my ears fill up with water as I lay on my bed staring beyond the darkness at night.

  • Help

    I feel disconnected from the world. Up until a few days ago I was so in love with my girlfriend and now I’m panicking about whether I want to be in a relationship. I feel so detached from everything.

  • Ammar

    I realized the fact that I am coping with depression as I feel most of the symptoms written above. I am having hard time as my studies, past relationship and other depressing stuff really affected me badly and I cannot stop thinking constantly. I am really having hard time dealing with it. It’s like there is no joy in life. I am afraid of getting hurt. I feel so terrible. I am writing this comment to give a glimmer of hope to anyone who’s feeling the same. Tough time don’t last, tough people do. The only way I keep fighting and keep myself motivating is reading these motivational quotes and fake it till I make it approach. I always try to think about people who are less privileged than I am, to make myself feel better and contented. I value my life and I value my family. I know no matter how bad things go, good days are about to come. Life ain’t easy for anyone. I know that and I try to accept that. Please do not hurt yourself, try to find a hobby and keep yourself busy. Everything gets better eventually, that’s how life works. The more sooner we accept it, the better. There’s someone in the world who loves you. Love yourself. LOVE MAKES LIFE LIVE. Love to all.

  • Megan

    All I ever feel is annoyed or angry for no accruals reason.
    Sadness.
    Feels like I do everything and anything wrong.
    Cant handle being around my very loving and happy husband.
    I hurt him aloy for no reason and it makes me mate myself.

    I often feel disrupted without any reason, other than I haye myself.

  • Emily

    I’m only 13 and a lot has happened to me in my life. And they aren’t very good things. No one know that I feel bad all the time because I hide it by smiling and laughing. Just this weekend I went shopping with my sister and I didn’t feel… real. I felt like I was in a dream. That happens to me a lot. It started when I was about 8 or 9. I have cut myself, but whenever someone asks what it is I say that my dog stratched me or something. Last week I was in the car with my sister and we were driving home from school and I don’t even know what happened to me. I never felt that way before. It was just a sudden thought if suicide and it wasn’t going away. I’m not thinking about it right now but it was weird because nothing bad was happening then. It was just my sister and I in the car listening to the radio. Huh… I’m not sure if this is even depression but I think it might be. Could someone maybe reply to me and idk just say something. Because I’m feeling really alone these past few years and I can’t really talk to anyone about this.

    • Chelsea

      Hello, Emily. Thank you very much for sharing your story. I’m sorry to hear that things have not been easy for you from such a young age. A rose will grow with difficulty if her garden is smothered in stones. As for your thoughts of suicide, I would really recommend seeking out a school counselor or a social worker. These are serious depressive thoughts that are very harmful to your mind and your heart. When it comes to mental health, you need to remember that your feelings come first. You cannot heal until the problem is diagnosed. Whether you truly do have full-blown depression or not, I cannot say, but intrusive thoughts can be just as disturbing if the cause is not properly identified. It wasn’t incredibly long ago when I was your age. You can be depressed at 13, and you can be stressed at 13. Don’t let anyone dismiss your mental health because of your age, sweetie. I hope you all the best. Be healthy.

  • Jay-De

    I’m not sure when I got depression but I know it creeped up on me. just came out of no where. and my life from that point on was just a battle against myself everyday.I grew more addicted to drugs like weed, shrooms, coke, lsd, anything I could get my hands on, I’d do it to escape reality, my father didn’t help with depression either every day he gives me another reason to kill myself, at first I only seeked to impress him and feel accepted by him but everything I did he’d shoot down with his words and when I did something wrong, threats left and right. Every day I felt like I was chased up to the top of a building by something that’d cause axity or something but when we where finally at the top it was like the option of either jumping off that building or let that thing eat away at my mind.nothings been fun for as long as I remember, I can’t trust ppl (I’ve tried so hard but ended up being hurt…..more), Ive complete gaven up on everything and I’m still not out of depression yet

  • David

    If anyone’s reading this, I sometimes find it so hard to wake up in the morning knowing that some unbeatable doom approaches me. I can’t hold a conversation, and I’m “ok” with awkward silences without breaking the word of silence. I feel like I’m in a hole and I’m trying to get out but the the only way that makes sense is to go deeper because I’m already so deep I can’t climb anymore. This black hole engulfs me with torment of what mistakes I’ve made in the past, and I’m so skeptical of what people think of me I sometimes feel like I’m going mad. “What do they think I look like” I have these moments where I’m not in reality like I’m out of my body but my body just knows what to do. As if I was driving while high. I’m not suicidal, but I have this overbearing worry of failure. I know I will die soon, weather in a car accident or saving someone I love that doesn’t even know I exist. I can’t express myself to anyone I go to school with a mask. No one knows who I really am except my uncle. My dad thinks I’m fine “your fine, your just going through a change because ur becoming an adult. No one understands except for me. This blackness lurks within me. This madness that I need to harness. It just eats me alive everyday. It becomes harder and harder everyday to let the beast feed itself. One day I will break and I hope no one is around to see me break because I’m strong and I try to hold this fake image of myself so no one can know who I am. I have this such utter hate for my family. They se to be so annooying I find myself cursing them out under my breath when all they want to give me is love. No understands me. Noting I ever do will make a difference here. In this place. So what’s next. Heaven or hell. I think not. I think there will be just darkness that awaits me in after life. The darkness that lurks in my body the monster. Depression my enemy or my best friend?

    -to anyone who reads this

    • Vikki

      I feel the exact same
      Way as you… I don’t even have the strength desire to talk.. When I do my words are sometimes scrambled. Such a slow
      Thinker. Never want to do anything!

    • Tee

      Hey friend,

      I just replied to another poster (one of the most recent ones) and actually wanted to say the exact same to you. Please do read that if you can find it. I also realise this was a few years ago, I do hope you’re doing much better now. But do remember that this is all just our mind creating fake safety nets for us which it thinks we need, this then drives us into our depression and anxiety. You are NOT alone.

      You are the arbiter of your future and mental wellbeing. Talk to your uncle about your problems, find some friends who you can talk to,. Just don’t feed into the thoughts your brain gives,. If it tells you right now that people will judge you when you talk to them, or people won’t want to befriend you, you’re feeding the insecurities and the brain builds on that and it just gets worse and worse. WE need to break the cycle. Do it even if it scares you.

      Much love and best of luck in life.

  • Michael Connor

    I guess it all started a couple years ago. My self-esteem sank away and I didn’t enjoy the things I used to. My social anxiety went from manageable to debilitating. I can’t even have fun with my ‘friends’ anymore, and I feel like I’m losing them. I’m all alone in this choking fog. When I wake up everyday, after a short amount of sleep, getting out of bed seems like an enormous pointless task. It just doesn’t feel like it’s worth it. Sure I do feel happy and smile from time to time, but it’s always accompanied by a feeling of a looming doom. Can’t focus on my study and my future seems dim. What’s the point of making money, if everything I can do with it doesn’t seem fun anymore. Whenever I leaned to suicide I thought about my family. My mother lost her first son to a miscarriage, she’s been on antidepressants ever since. I don’t think she could go on if she lost her second son. My father just lost everything he lived for in a lawsuit with my mom and told me that my sis and me are the only reason he hasn’t committed suicide yet. So if I would leave this world, I would practically take my entire family with me, that’s the only reason why I’m still here. But as I sink deeper into the eternal fog, I stop thinking about others at critical moments, all I can think of is a sense of redemption.

  • William

    I feel like screaming but no words come out. I cry constantly from feeling of emptiness and loneliness. I’m married but my feelings are everything is falling apart. My wife thinks my family does not like her my career was ended for medical reasons and my wife thinks that I think she is stupid. All Which are wrong no one cares about me and no one cares about me. I feel worthless and like I want to cry all the time. I’m tired of faking being well. I put on a smile and when I do it feels wrong. The whole world is negative no real point of being here sometimes. It’s bett wet I just keep everything bottled up who wants to hear my problems.

  • Carol

    My primary disease is ptsd, but I also have major recurrent medication-resistant depression. Some medications maintain their efficacy for longer periods than others, but they always peter out in the end. I feel like I’m observing the world in slow-motion most of the time. I remember all the emotional trauma that led me to where I am today on an almost daily basis and don’t know how to pull my head out of it. I cry regularly because of it. I do not trust others, and while I’m generally kind to others, am easily irritated by them. I hope one day there will be a medication that works for me on a permanent basis.

  • kim

    seems like im a loser
    ive been dating for about 2 years
    she makes me feel not wanted
    i dont know what to do

    i have trust issues as well
    she talks about other guys and there were many guys in the past that tried to get her and some did, and i cant stop comparing myself to them and i feel like a piece of shit

    My friends say im a piece of shit jokingly, but i’ve done shit things to grab her attention which i feel like i never did except for then

    feeling like this destroyed my social life, i dont want to go hang out anymore and everything seems dull,

    Tried to pick up hobbies as they say on the internet and forget about it, but the fundamental problem in me always arises at some point of my life.

  • James

    Although I must say I am doing better now a year later, the peak of my depression is something I’ll never forget. Before becoming depressed I always thought people who were depressed were just ungrateful, but later found how wrong I was. When I was 20 I slowly became more and more depressed but didn’t recognize the problem until it reached its worst point.

    I would struggle to wake up and had zero motivation to take care of my responsibilities. My existence felt like a burden and it was a thought that never left my mind. I constantly would put my self down, convincing myself I was worthless. I thought if I took my own life that my parents would be better off. I felt like a failure, the mistakes of my past were always fresh on my conscious. One day I laid in my bed and cried for 30 min straight, I never cry.

    I went from being 210 pounds to 185 pounds in only a month, I would eat maybe one time a day. My energy was at an all time low, before I had been a gym addict but working out started feeling pointless. These feelings lead me to start smoking weed on a regular basis, I would do it all day just to distract myself from my intense depressing feelings. At first it helped, but then I realized when I would come down from the high I would feel even worse than before.

    I am better today than I was then, but the only thing that kept me going was learning that I was not the only human in the world who felt that way, but that many others fight the same battle.

  • Cherry Jean

    I feel heavy, like my arms and legs weigh tons. Getting up and going to do the simplest things seems to take so much energy. I get up go to school then come home and go to bed. My family irrates me to no end, especially my younger brother who loves me but is just so loud and with my reoccurring headaches I can’t handle him.

  • Hilli

    I think I have always been a sad person. I am a very pessimistic person and nervous and this is why I’m not sure if what I feel is depression or just me being a sad person. It has all started back in high-school and people that know me(my parents and friends) always told me that when I’ll grow up it will be better and I’ll get stronger. Unfortunately it seems like it’s getting worse with time. Now I’m 32 years old, I’m married and going to have my first child, I have just gotten my PhD degree and I have a post-doc position in Harvard university and basically most of the things I wanted in life I was able to accomplish. My pregnancy is something I wanted for so long so why do I feel so miserable? I use to love working, and although I am a sad person I always had the motivation to work and study. But somehow I lost it. I can’t get my self out of bad in the morning, it takes me 45 min to drug myself out of bad and it has nothing to do with how many hours I slept. Then when I get to work I sit and basically do nothing for a very long time. If I won’t get out of it I might loose my job. I really don’t know what to do about it anymore!!!

  • megan welsh

    I get the same but it seems to be getting worse and i cry more when i am left along for hours than i used to.it also last longer for a couple of days been like it for nearly four years now since i was 15 never had counselling and only recently gone doctors starting counseling soon. And i had been living with my mum and younger sister and ex step-dad which have depression too. I have lost interest in many things i used to love doing. Ifind it hard to be able to let my new friends be as close to me as my old ones was. And arguement with my boyfriend make me get really depressed and alone like i have no one even though i do. It’s hard to see any posative in anything. It’s not great to live especial if your with someone it can be really hard for me and my partner to live with because it hurts him seeing the way i get. All he wants is for me to be happy but it’s so hard to deal with the past and everything.my family even know about what happened until last when i meet my boyfriend thats when everything came out. My grandma din’t know until this year two days before my 19th birthday. I had keep everything bottled up for years.

  • Carter

    I can’t cry anymore.i don’t think a person can cry without feeling something. No love, no hate, just nothing. Like a blank canvas never meant to hold a pretty picture. Only others who have depression know how we suffer, how we fade slowly away as the days go by. Healthy people live everyday with fullness, but we, we merely survive from day to day. To say depression is the common cold of mental illness some how seems an understatement, for me it’s a cancer, a monster that eats away at our ability to live like human beings.

  • Bill Oberg

    I don’t remember when I started suffering from depression. Substance and alcohol abuse as a teenager and young adult certainly didn’t help matters and probably contributed to my condition. After an extended period of travel, which ended in the fall of 2000 my depression finally knocked me off my feet. I was 38 years old. Extreme unhappiness, feelings of worthlessness, and thoughts of suicide dominated my life. I saw a psychologist, verbalized my anxieties, fears, feelings, and that really helped. It took much of the power that those thoughts held over me, away. I was prescribed Prozac and took the medication for a few days before I decided through much research that it was not the path for me. I realized that I would have to live with this condition for the rest of my life and that there would be periods of highs and lows. I would just have to deal with it. For about 14 years, until I was 52, my life was pretty much a roller coaster, charging up and down through the seasons with the very low points coming in winter. Around my 52nd birthday I was feeling pretty bad. I was 10 – 12 kilos overweight (20 – 25 pounds), eating and drinking as I pleased, and really didn’t care if I lived another day. I told myself that suicide was the cowards way out, and that always managed to keep me from plotting my own demise. However, a nice accident, cancer, a good heart attack could work perfect. Those were my thoughts a little over a year ago. Then I stumbled upon a life reset book by Harley Pasternak called the “Body Reset Diet”. The key component of this book is walking at least 10,000 steps every day, and I have taken that part very seriously, typically walking at a cadence of 110 plus steps per minute. I walk a minimum of 90 minutes per day. The diet is simple and smart too. I lost 10 kilos in 4 months. I’ve read many times over the years that exercise helps battle depression, but walking every day has delivered much more. It has become meditation for me. I listen to good music on my iPhone and the time just melts away. I have been virtually depression free for over a year. I don’t remember the last time my life felt so good. I am positive and hopeful, and the daily challenges that use to weigh me down like an anchor don’t intimidate me any more. I want to live.

  • Sabrina

    That list is so accurate for me. I can literally relate to everything on that list. The only time I am ever content is when I am in bed. I only ever want to be on my own. I can’t concentrate. My memory is failing me. I am only 17, none of this should be happening to me, or anyone else for that matter. Nothing anyone can do will help me. I’m in my own bubble. I can’t be saved by someone else. I have to save myself, if I want to. Getting out of bed every morning is a chore to me. I cry over the simplest little things. I am making a video of what it is like to be clinically depressed, on a daily basis. It’s visuals can portray the despair and darkness I feel everyday.

  • guts

    my parents dont really understand
    they just think im lazy and its my hormones
    but i was diagnosed with depression and anxiety when i was 7
    and again with major depression when i was 14
    they say im lazy but there are time where even moving is hard and speaking seems like the end of the world
    they think im just a sad teenager but when does teenage sad get t the point where im 17 and all i can think about is how better it would be if im dead and that im s fucking sad to the point where everyday life feels like watching paint dry and that everything is suffocating

    sure im happy sometimes and i smile and you think im cured and i was faking my depression but i can feel happiness and anger and fear just the same, but they are all plagued with a feeling of looming darkness
    when im happy i feel as though its just a joke and its going ti be ripped away from me
    im a broken kid
    i cant fix it as much as everyone wants me to be fixed i just cant
    im broken, un fixable and im just trying to stay alive
    some times its hard
    i just want people to know i am trying and i dont mean to be like this but i cant help it
    it sucks and i feel like im 60 years old and void of life rather than 17 and at the greatest years of my life
    im in so much pain and eveyoone expects so much out of me when i can only give so little
    im trying
    im trying so hard just to be okay
    not just for me but for everyone else

  • Adam

    I feel like I’m sinking constantly and when I concentrate on that feeling I can’t breathe. Everything feels like it’s moving around me and I’m not doing anything at all. Everything is so pressuring, there’s so much to do and when I feel too pressured to do everything at once I feel like screaming but I can’t because I’m too tired to even talk.

  • jonathon saavedra

    depression is like drowning in pain, sdness, anger, anxiety, everything, its like drowning by urself and seeing everyone else up above the surface breathing and happy, its like not wanting to do anything, not wanting to exist, not wanting to go on with life, its like not wanting to exist, felling insignificant, very simpily, depression is one of the worst possible mental states that a person can be in.

    • sandhyarani

      up to engineering my life is ok.. after the completion of that i am joined in bank coaching in visakhapatnam. i am in a hostel where people from different backgrounds(like they are studying the various courses ssc,intermediate,degree, bank coaching etc).. upto 10 days i went to the institute regularly.. and then onwards i feel hard to go ,i have so many friends who are taking the coaching in the same institute with me.. while i am enjoying the chitchat with the friends,in one corner i developed fear about the sections in the banking examination like current affairs,arithmatic and reasoning,english etc.. one day ,i felt irritation within myself for no reason.. from that day onwards i felt fear about all the works that can do in a day.. even i am felt that something bad will going going to happen like that … from that day onwards, i have developed tingling sensations,dizziness,and etc feelings in me.. after one year, i have taken the coaching in nandyal, and i got selected as a p.o.through baroda manipal school of banking recruitment..and know i am in the banglore for the 1 year pgdbf course ,which i have to pass to be promoted as a p.o in bank of baroda .. banglore weather is so cool so that i cant adjust to that weather …my head feels heavy all the time.. i am not able to hear the lessons which have been taught… plz any one can give a solution to this problem….?

  • Lily Sinha

    I feel so mad.Feels like I am drowning in a deep hole.I am unable to start a family with my husband.I lost my job. cannot get another job . I stopped studying . I am loosing patience and hope day by day. Astrologers say everything will fall in place but when God knows.Please help me. I want to have a grip on my life.

  • Clarissa

    I’m 19. Been depressed since 9th grade. I feel like everything that made up me is now gone. I’m always comparing my empty and pathetic self to the lively person I was, and it’s so painful. I feel like I’ve let myself down. I feel like the future holds nothing but failure, lethargy and loneliness. This year I worked at a Newsagency. Not such a demanding job by normal people’s standards, but even the simplest tasks drained my energy and I always came home too tired to study. I left the job. My mum keeps nagging me to work again. How do I tell her I just can’t work without sounding pathetic? She doesn’t believe in mental illnesses. Neither does my dad. I’m all alone in this. I can’t tell the only two friends I have. That will change the way they see me, for the worse. I just want to be dead. The only thing stopping me is my little brother. Wouldn’t want him to develop depression…

  • Alyssa

    I believe that I have depression and have a hard time dealing with it. Some people have suggested to me to go to the doctor and be prescribed an anti depressant, but I’ve heard that it doesn’t actually help but make things worse. I just wanted to know if anyone thought that it helped them?

  • Tia huang

    Since my childhood, I’ve been facing so much problems with myself. First of all, I’m a transgender.
    my mom always forced me to play with girls just because she wanted me to be her cute daughter but inside, i was a guy.
    girls think I’m abnormal so I always stay away from them; also that made me a cold,not very social and stressful person. I don’t have wishes,I don’t have goals. Im 18 but I don’t know what i am living for. I want to smile and make people happy, I want to fail and stand up to work hard again for something which I would give up on my everything. I want to laugh and don’t want to be useless. I love to be happy but I don’t know how, my parents never thought me how… I can’t even make a simple decision myself, I don’t want to die by suicide… i want to live happy and feel some pain

  • justine Bailey

    Right now my world is in despair

    The place I’m at I don’t want to be
    My life is full of misery
    I’m in a hole and can’t get out
    All I want to do is fucking shout
    With my life I’m so distressed
    It makes me feel intently obsessed

    Right now my world is in despair

    My thoughts are dark, my mind so weak
    The outlook of my life so bleak
    All I do is sit and dwell
    My life is just a living hell
    My mind is full of hopelessness
    This sorrow fills me with loneliness

    Right now my world is in despair

    Alan is my shining star
    Without him I don’t go far
    He does the things I used to do
    And tries to encourage me not to be blue
    The intimacy has all but gone
    My marriage is over if I carry on

    Right now my world is in despair

    I have to do things under duress
    My house is in an awful mess
    The laundry basket is overflowing
    my bed unmade the grime is showing
    The flagstone floor is really grubby
    I now rely a lot on hubby

    Right now my world is in despair

    The anguish I feel is so traumatic
    My life at this time is symptomatic
    I always feel so emotionless
    And full of self-loathsomeness
    My mind so dull I hurt, I hate
    I want my life back from this dreadful state.

    Right now my life is near its end!

  • Gao

    Well, for starters…I wish depression never existed. I feel like people who don’t understand depression completely and are judgemental about it are ignorant. It truly pains me to read all of these experiences because I didn’t realize so many people are going trough so much. I doubt anyone will read my experience but I just needed somewhere to vent. I think my depression started when I was in 9th. Maybe even before that but I am now 19 years old. I had always dreamed of going to college and being independent but over the years I developed depression. I kept it hidden for so long until I told my family when I was a junior in high school. It was painful to see their reactions because they had an idea but they didn’t realize how bad I had it. I’ve lied a lot to my loved ones about school and me personally and about my depression. I feel so guilty because even now they don’t know the truth. I just feel so alone even though I know I have people who care and love me. I don’t feel like I have friends maybe just one true friend. I am scared for my own life and I feel like being this way for the past 4/5 years has really drained all of my energy and I feel like this is the end of my life. I feel like I won’t make it anywhere even though I’m still young. I didn’t do well in high school and my act score sucked. I remember being a good student in elementary and middle but after that it all came downhill. I have regrets. I wish I was a better older sibling and daughter. Sometimes I imagine about being someone better or being the new improved me. I limit myself and I always tell myself to accept myself for who I am. I am not blaming anyone for my faults, just me. I wish just one person would just understand me completely. I’ve become anti social and I’m scared I’ll never get a boyfriend or get married and die alone. I love my parents and siblings and everyone around me and i just feel so bad. I feel like I’m not liked and I feel like it begins with myself. I cry myself to sleep sometimes. I know I need to help myself but I can’t even do that. I’ve been talking to a guy who I have developed feelings for and I’ve lied to him about my true self. I’m scared i might lose him. I don’t like attending family gatherings. I love my extended family but I don’t feel apart of it. I feel like I was born without a path. I don’t feel intelligent. I don’t like my personality. I look young for my age which I’m not so positive about sometimes. I have gained weight. I can keep to myself and appear secretive. I don’t express myself enough. I know people are going through worse and I just feel so bad because I know I shouldn’t be this way. Life is precious yet I would rather not be living. I didn’t have the best high school experience. I know I’m weak minded. I’m tearing up while typing this. People probably think I’m crazy and mentally challenged. I can have anger issues. I feel worthless and small. I feel I am not an attractive enough girl at times. I hope God can forgive me. I just want to be happy and accept myself. I’m so sorry to those who are going through worse or the same thing. I wish you the best in life. I truly do.

    • Diane

      Hi there, i just wanted you to know i did read your experience and i do care, even though i do not know you. I feel horrible for you and wish i could take your pain away and everyone else who has depression. I really think you need help and need to talk to someone. You are young and have your whole life ahead of you. Many people do get well, and so can you! Please do not feel like nobody cares etc., if they do not know how much you are suffering then how can people care or help you?? I also, have depression so alot of what you say i understand. If you need to vent or talk please tell your family. If you want to reply to me let me know and i will give you my email.

    • mekel

      I read it ✋ and there’s people that understands. I honestly have felt most of what you’ve said and much more. it all just feels hopeless I don’t want to be in this abyss I’m in but I just don’t see any way to get myself out. Depression is a terrible thing. If you need someone to talk and have a kik mines _mekel_ i’ll pray for you

  • dkane

    im 20 and ive been suffering from depression for 3 years. Latley it has gotten so much worse I feel like im loosing my mind. i have honestly never felt this alone, this isolated ever. Everymorning i just want to go back to sleep and never wake back up im always tired, i dont doing anything anymore most days i just watch tv even when its sunny outside i just stay inside and avoid everyone and everything. I feel so hopeless and useless i dont know why this is happening i used to be this confident energetic bubbly happy joyful amazing nice kind person that everyone wanted to be around and now im just this grumpy sad lonley and pathetic person. I have no friends anymore i pushed them all away i never talk to my family anymore i cry all the time sometimes i dont even know why. I am so selfish for being like this. Please pray for me.

  • Annabel

    I’m constantly mad and I don’t know how to enjoy things anymore. I feel like I’m drifting in a sea of dark feelings all alone. I’m afraid i’m going to live like this for the rest of my life. If so, I don’t want to be alive.

  • Rachel

    I have to felt depressed recently. I’m in college and I figure it was stress getting to me but I cry all the time and there’s no specific reason for it. I’ve gotten so upset that I’ve harmed myself. I feel so alone and unhappy. I feel like I’m just here, walking around in a daze half the time. I enjoy being around people because my mind isn’t thinking about depressing things. I just want to be like my old self again. I want to be content and happy.

  • Po

    I feel as if I am worth nothing. I constantly feel as if I want to die. It just happens even when I’m not crying or in any problematic issue. It’s frustrating being this way because it affects my loved ones. I just don’t know how to control it. I also suffer through anxiety and low self-esteem. I have the sweetest most caring and dedicated boyfriend, and it is heartbreaking knowing that my issues affect his happiness. Every time we go out to public events I can’t help but feel like he is checking out other women. I feel as if other people are better than me and that I am nothing compared to them. I know he doesn’t I believe him by the way he is in general, but it’s so hard. It is because of me I feel less than others. I feel as if I am not good enough. I have these meltdowns constantly and I’m sure he has an idea of why but I have not told him what the main problem is. I hate everything about myself because I am the reason why I am so unhappy. The way I think is my main problem. I would rather be stabbed continuously and be fine in the end than to have this problem. There is no one else but him that I can talk to about this, I feel isolated hopeless worthless. I’m no good for nothing even though people tell me otherwise. When I don’t feel this way, it feels as if I have so much to look or war to in life. I am happy energetic loving and social. I love those days. But right when I feel like I might not go back to this feeling, it comes back. I feel as if I have plummeted down into a dark hole. I feel ugly. I feel stupid useless and worth nothing. I have tried committing suicide a couple years ago but it did not work out because of certain fears. I used to take around 8 aspirins every day and sometimes it went up to 14. I read that one can die from taking 12 or more and I tried but it didn’t work. I have physically harmed myself twice but i would’ve done it a lot more if I wasn’t afraid of what people might think of me. I am not religious and never have been. I don’t depend on anyone but myself. It’s so depressing.

  • Rachel

    I’m 20 years old and have never really suffered from depression before now. I am always tired, I always have a headache, I want to sleep all the time, I cry over the smallest things, I can’t be around large amounts of people, I can’t do homework, I love my boyfriend but I don’t want to be with him, I love my family and friends but don’t want to be with them. I can’t seem to find happiness in anything I do anymore. I don’t want to kill myself but wish something else would.

  • Binxx

    I know that depression runs in my family and that I was prone to it, however, it wasn’t until a severe breakup did it show itself to me. It’s an ugly thing, man. I cry at everything, and I mean everything. It physically hurts if I don’t release tears, almost like a panic attack. I get agitated with friends and family. Just by their presence. They don’t even need to speak. I sometimes feel like I’m in a dream. Things slow down and aren’t real. I isedto wish to get sick or injured so people would feel bad for me and want to take are or me, instead of me always taking care of other people. I was on Pristiq and now lexapro. I sympathize with everyone on here.

  • Tiffany

    I don’t know if I actually have or suffer from depression but alot of this makes sense if that makes sense but i find myself dull even my appearance has even gotten dull I get short with the people that I care about even my dog that’s not like me I feel off most days I have very few good days anymore I don’t even have fun with friend s anymore just feel lost

  • Kat

    I am an optimistic and extrovert and I have also suffered from depression. After both my children were born, I experienced post-partum depression but because I normally have a social, upbeat personality it was hard to get people to understand the depression was real (not just the blues).
    I remember my moment of clarity was slipping on the stairs and thinking that it would’ve been great if my leg had broken because then someone else would have to come help me and I wouldn’t feel so helpless/hopeless.
    Depression can happen to anyone. It’s important to remember that it is a chemical flaw NOT a character flaw.

  • Jklog

    I am 22 yr old. Lost my father 3 yrs back. My family members are all Selfish busy with their life’s. My mother is either sad or angry, have never cared yo give moral support.in short life at homeis very gloomy and nobody cares. My college life is very stressful. Coming to my sympyoms At first I couldn’t stop thinking. Deep down I always wished for a someone who cared for me. Its so difficult to shut my mind. Every bad memory and thinking about future haunted me. Talking to people at first resolved but later on I felt more sad while discussing. Evry single person started getting on my nerves. I started arguing with my seniors/ lecturers on small petty things.I have seen a psychiatrist,diagnosed with mild depressive disorder on meds now currently.
    Now I feel numb, not wanting to leave the house, I don’t find interest in anything at all. I can neither strike a conversation nor listen to anyone with interst.I feel like my cheeks are paining. I don’t know how I am suppose to tell this to the doctor. First visit I was crying, second visit I said I am fine and she told me to continue the meds. I just dunno what to do.

    • Kali

      I’ve noticed that I have many of the feelings that you described. Getting irritated, wondering if things are really worth going through, etc.
      I’ve noticed the following with me:
      -A feeling of numbness
      -easily irritated with family/friends but I can’t explain why
      -void of emotions
      -the want to talk about it, but can’t really explain it because I can’t even explain it.
      ….
      I just feel different compared to the person I was a few years ago. I feel like I need to do things, but I can’t find the motivation or reason to do those things. In example, going to school; just because I found the strength to go to school that doesn’t mean that I actually feel I am in school. I often find myself physically in school/home but mentally, I am somewhere I haven’t been before and I don’t know how to get out. It irritates me so much.
      I don’t always feel this way, in fact I do have good days, great even. But the balance between not knowing what the heck is going on in my head and having to managed to have a good day outweigh by a huge margin.
      I saw similarities with your post, so I felt as though I should post my thoughts as well.
      Hope all is well on your end, sir/miss(?).

  • sarah

    i feel like a dark cloud is over me everything thing i do i wrong i feel like i am going down and failing life feel like i am falling down

  • Diana

    well i’ve been going through depression for a few years now.Its like i m scared of everything my biggest fear is dying.I have been on medication but it seems to work well only for a while.Sometimes i feel so lost and Wonder why me i cry for no reason but its like i m hurting so much that my tears flow.i have lost interest in alot of things i used to love to do ;i get anrgry so easily and smash things ;i can t say i have friends people just call me always when they what me to do something for them.I oversleep alot thinking when i Wake up it will all be gone but no ;i m trying so hard to get rid of this but it’s like attached and don t want to let go.i actually feel lonely when there are people around me i know that love me.I Watch alot of horror movies its strange it comforts me ;i just need someone to talk to

  • Rachel

    I’m 12 and I’ve always hated myself. I cry a lot and I also do cut. I’m not sure if I have depression (I’m pretty sure I do) but, I am currently planning my suicide. I know that’s not good, but I literally can’t imagine a future. I have no one and I don’t know what to do. All of these symptoms I have and I would never tell my parents of brother or sister. However, my friend knows. We both agreed that I wouldn’t cut until Monday when the weekend was over and he could talk to me, but that didn’t last a day. I feel like such a failure right now. I just wanna die.

    • lisa

      Rachel, I HOPE you read this and know you are not alone. Please talk to your family or someone who can help you.I just realized I’ve been depressed on and off for 30 years. I would keep things in and realize when I finally started talking it helps tremendously. You and I came into this world loved and we need to know we are loved and worthy! Take one day at a time and be kind to yourself.

    • Lisa

      I’m praying for you, Rachel, and all of you who have posted on this page. I’m lifting you up to the Lord Jesus Christ, asking Him to heal you and give you peace.

    • Paige

      Hi, I’m Paige, I’m 13 and I honestly think that you should stop cutting. Obviously it isn’t as easy as that, but please try your hardest. I suppose me saying that wouldn’t matter though. 4 months and 27 days ago I was in your shoes and even if I have the urge to do it again, I don’t. I actually have these markers that I find really hard to wash off and I draw all over my arms so the anxiety of having to wash it off before my mom calls me down for anything is enough for me to forget about wanting to do it. Have a good day, Rachel.

    • Lacey

      Hey … I know how it feels to be sad and hopeless, to feel like nothing matters, but life feels like that sometimes. It doesn’t mean anything is wrong with you. Your spirit is just seeking expression and love. Love you can find within and from God, expression you can find from art, or music, poetry or a sport. You are too young to give up dear. My best friend killed herself at 14 and I know she regrets it because she has visited me in my dreams. Death won’t solve anything – your spirit just needs to find a truth to hold onto and believe in. I am a grown woman now with kids of my own – close to your age 🙂 life is full of ups and downs – find what works for you that brings you any positive feelings! Life can be so beautiful and fulfilling too, give it time.

  • Raksha

    I am 16 years old and I feel like I’m losing myself to depression. Everything feels suffocating, I’ve gained a lot of weight although my diet has been the same. I don’t know what I’m doing with my future. Everyone around me tends to have an aim or a goal however, I don’t have anything like that. I feel so useless and my grades haven’t been as good as they used to be and I feel like I’m letting down everyone. I don’t know what to do.

  • Pulak Gupta

    I searched a lot about why I feel like crying and why I feel alone even when I am surrounded by people

    I also feel like I need a psychiatrist and m Mentally disturbed….

    Please Help
    I am not able to figure it out either I m going MAD or I will kill myself in near future

  • SOHEA

    hi I’m 40 years and have suffered from depression most of my life. I have never taken any treatment for it but I feel as I grow older it gets worse. I’ve haboured thoughts of suicide for over half of my life and I’m scared on these days I will do something bad to myself or my partner.Please help.

  • Janice

    I am constantly in and out of depression, once in a while when something good happens I will start to be happy again. After being depressed for a long time you start to feel numb in your emotions, (atleast for me) I constantly feel the need to cry but no tears will come out, and if another bad thing happens it just feels like the same pattern and hurts a little less and less each day, but at night is when the numbness hurts. You know the feeling when say you were sleeping the wrong way and your leg circulation got cut off, and yes it is numb to the touch but on the inside the pain is excruciating? That’s how I feel with my emotions, when I am around friends I am numb but when I am alone I feel the excruciating pain of everything that happened. I can retell almost everything that anyone said, how they looked at me and the tone of voice they used I hate that I remember these things because I can call a person out on their lies if I know them well enough. It is horrible to do that because you slowly figure out what really went on and you over think everything which I personally think is the most stressful part of it. I don’t have a hard time communicating with people, and I do have lots of friends and family who care but they think I talk way to much and sort of shut me out, that dissapoints me and I just hide from them and then they get mad. I also have become really good at acting how I feel that I need to so that people won’t worry especially teachers and my parents, I have moments when I zone out and Prolly look sad of course because I am. They ask me If I am OK and I smile and say yes I was just zoning out because I’m tired. Alot of people around me don’t understand me yet I am very good at explaining my self through writing (especially texting) but it will end up this long and they suddenly lose interest and still question me. I recently met a boy who made me feel again I could really and truly laugh and smile but then… He cheated on me with my best friend, she claims she was intoxicated but I can tell every single time she lies. I will ask her a question and she will lie, so I say you are using your lying voice. She will finally say OK here’s what really happened… And again uses her lying voice and I call her out on it again and she will this time argue trying to tell me the supposed truth but it’s not true once again I call her out on it (I kid you not this repeats about 20 times) and she finally says I can’t bring myself to say it I am just like my dad. I lie just like my dad and he hurts me so bad when he lies I can’t imagine how you feel. She tells me to go on her facebook and read the messages so I do, and it’s exactly what I had presumed. She claims she is also depressed because she is so guilty which is true all because of me. If I just would have forgave her she wouldn’t cut and contemplate suicide. But he made me feel again (btw this is the third time she’s done something to the effect of this) and now that I could feel again when this happened It hurt worse than any pain I had ever felt. And now I once again cannot feel, cannot cry, and do not express my true emotions around the people who I love but annoy me To the breaking point. I hate drowning in my own thoughts it is so unpleasant and especially in comparison to being happy a week ago…

  • Alexandra

    Hi I’m ten. I’ve had depression for 2 years. My mom and dad left us,my identical twin sister lives far away,and I am bullied to the point were I cry daily. Often I experience all of these symptoms at once. At one point I slept for 17 hours. I have anger issues and a hard past. My grandmother is my best friend. I love her so much. I hate my school. I skipped 3 grades. I’m in seventh grade. It makes me fell bad that I skipped over my friends.

  • Krystal

    I was in the 3rd grade the first time I had a serious thought about suicide, and it was the result of the ADHD medicine. When I started 6th grade I knew something was wrong with me, but my therapist never noticed and I never spoke a word about it, so I put it off on the fact that the bullying was getting worse. I was in 9th grade when I noticed the pattern that I only felt this way in winter, and the fact I had grown to fear the season. In 12th grade I picked the college I wanted to go to only beacuse is had a nice big bridge and it was away from my friends and family so come winter I wouldnt have to worry about the guilt when it came to do what I was planning to do. Right after graduation I was sent for a mental screening because my doctored believed I was depressed, and during the screening I lied about every question because I was too ashamed of my mother knowing she had another broken child. With the help of my best friend I changed schools last second because I realized he gave me the hope to go through another winter. That was two years ago some days are still hard, and I’m still too ashamed to seek help, so I live day by day still dreading winter, just trying to create a future that will make winter worth living through. I have felt this way for 9 years, and I was alone for all of them except for 2 years. I have learned to be positive person, because no one was going to be that for me. Some days are harder then others, but I just remember to take it one day at a time, and to dream of a brighter future.

    • Shakey

      I Am 16 . A couple months ago I dealt with losing my cousin and dealing with other issues that teenagers deal with such ass losing my Virginty, losing friends etc. i would wake up every morning not wanting to get out of bed . Now I just cry all the time for no reason , I’m always feeling down & feel like I’m the only person I have I cant talk to my parents they would never understand I’m stuck tryna figure out why do I have suicidle thoughts and why am I never happy and I never really have a appetite . Can anyone give me advise on what i should do I’m only a 16 year old girl trying to get help!

  • Mary Hughes

    im currently 17 years old and my depression has been going on for exactly a year now.. I started cutting which I’ve never done but it feels right.. watching my brother kill himself/ die really makes you see how sick the world is. my parents say I do all of this for attention, but why would I suffer for attention? I lost all communication with my friends I am always in my room, and I cant even listen to music anymore without it upsetting me. its only been a year and I’ve lost more then I could image. remembering what life for me used to be to what it is now sucks, cakes on to my depression and makes life a living hell.

  • Jade

    I have tis since as long as I can remember it would always come and go.Took pills when was in college wanting to commit suicide,feel like doing it again…I feel down all the time,crying when no one around.A string of things has triggered tis again,a sense of not belonging anywhere.everybody around me has their own lives where do I fit in nowhere…nobody to talk to or that truelly understands me I wonder many of times wht the reason I was brought into this world…since ive been born a lot of bad things has been happening to me…..I just wish to die for real..i wont be missed since nobody notices me anyways…im vewi damaged person that nobody can fix……….

  • Kendra

    I feel so tired all the time, I can’t get out of bed in the morning, it takes forever. I constantly have headaches, and just don’t wanna do anything. I feel useless, like I’m a waste of space. I feel fat, but I don’t have the strength to work out anymore. I feel trapped in my own mind, like I have so many thoughts but I don’t know how to say them out loud, or even write them down properly. I feel like I just want to die, to get out of this place, I don’t want to exist anymore. I want someone to help, but I don’t know how to ask for it, I’m afraid.

  • Dev O

    Depression is: having no motivation, not wanting to wake up, smiling is an un-natural facial expression, carrying on a conversation is extremely hard, wanting to die (not kill myself), just want to go away and not be here anymore, feeling worthless, no talent, no desire. Drugs only work for a short period of time b4 becoming another problem. Cannabis helps, but without money or a source to get it, then what does it matter? Micro-Dosing with LSD looks like a promising solution, but again, no $ no source, NO DEAL. Life is uninteresting and a struggle everyday to drag myself to the next challenge (which I’ll probably screw up anyway). I don’t F’ing care really. After 51 yrs of this S**t I’m done. Nothing works. Forget the drugs the doctor will give you. They are worthless and expensive and create a dependence that is hell when you stop them. This is my life today

  • Chase

    All of your Non-Clinical symptoms hit the spot. (90%). I have been battling depression I believe my entire life. I have never wanted to converse with anyone. I don’t have any desire for a relationship of any kind with another human. When I try to be productive during the day time I get hot flashes and headaches until I STOP improving my life. Literally my body makes me sick when i try to improve my circumstances. You say everything will look “gray” even on a sunny day, I guess I don’t see it because it’s always been gray. Not literally gray but just depressin and energy-sapping. Sunlight? Get out of here. The only relief is my weed. But since the completely natural medication can put me in prison in Kansas because our fucking senators must feel just fine all day, in fact im sure they are just fine. Making laws for the rest of us that they dont have to follow. I don’t have access to my medication all the time. It’s also very costly. Leaving days like today when I feel like removing my brain stem with some buckshot

  • Black C

    I really could not tell if i’m depressed everything i do seems to be wrong my responses my non responses my kindness my anger apparently i’m like this big black hole to my surroundings i just drain it because i’m nauseating to a fault just naturally my mother told me i suck the happiness out of her life when it was just her and my bother everything was perfect i lost my place and crashed my car which was my fault and had to move back into her house i try not to do or say anything but tread lightly so i can get myself together again and move back out i want to go back to school and finish it and leave my entire family behind because i’m realizing they don’t need me and i don’t need them i have no friends which i would love to have but i realize i probably never have any because its just something about me that just keeps me from having them i’m lucky i even have a girl friend who has been with me for so long but i feel that is about over too she is the only girlfriend i have ever had my first everything but love and again its all my fault apparently i’m just a failure at life i don’t know why i’m only 21 but i feel like the entire world is against me and all i want is to help make it better hopefully i can do that one day because i know just like i came into this world im going to live my life alone just like im going to leave it i know that because no one has ever been with me at least 51% my mom let me come back because she doesn’t want to look like one of those mothers who abandons her son to her family but i know im the black sheep i have always been i feel like i stuck but ill keep trying to move i dont give up on myself so i do not want kill myself or anyone else i just want to know why im the butt of the joke and why i dont matter to anyone

    • Lonely girl

      U r only 21 years old u have a lot of potential in you’re life you’re mother she cannot make a life for u she raised u the best she can so its up to u now to make a life for yourself set a goal n challenge yourself that u can do it no matter what it is u wanna do like go to school don’t do it to anybody do it for u gonna need it someday is not getting easier is getting harder everyday otherwise u be working in the factory for the rest of you’re life n try to support you’re family in the same time THINK ABOUIT!!!!!

  • Angel

    It feels like a physical being is on my back, choking me and not letting me speak. I alienated myself from my friends and family. I don’t talk to either. I make promises to be somewhere that I KNOW I’m not going to keep. I want to tell them that I physically get out of bed but who wants to hear somebody else’s problems? It’s easier for them to think I’m an a*shole. That way they’ll just leave me alone…it’s better for them, that way. Someone else on here really nailed it
    ..it’s likea being in a dark hole that I can’t get out of. I sometimes get a picture of myself standing outside of a house; it’s windy and cold. There are ppl in the house partying and have a good time. I can’t talk and ppl walk passed me to get to the house, like I’m not even there. What is it they get that I dont? Why is it they don’t have this weight choking them? How did they figure out “happy?” This thing is relentless, it won’t stop pushing me down further and further. I feel like if I do end it, nobody would care bc nobody talks to me anymore anyway, so it’s like I’m already gone. My father told me before I was born that my mother waited to the last minute, then decided to keep me. God, I wish she chose door #2.

  • Ea

    Life is really hard, since childhood but I always tried to smile. Now that I am an adult, I realirize that my life is hopeless. I feel like life hates me and death want to take me. So many hardships, everyday problems. Many times I wanted to die, but my family would feel sad… I try to live with hope, but sometimes it is hard to keep hope. I am lost in myself. I am weak and it hurt. Sometimes I hate myself deeply cuz I feel that I am just trash.
    I wish i could live life fully, not live life just to live.
    I want to keep hope and have chance to be part of this world.
    For now i can’t, so i don’t know what to do.
    I am really afraid

    • Celeste

      Feel very much like you Ea. I have been through so much i my life,physical and emotional abuse by 3 people, sexually abused by my psychologist. I am in disability, feel like a failure. Everything I do is so hard, showeringm brushing my teeth even changing the tv channel. Almost drank antifeeeze last Saterday but Thanksgiving my birthday a lot of family birthdays. I can’ do that to my family. I have tried everything drugs etc.

  • Pauley

    I had gradually weaned myself off Paxil and now my being is becoming more coherent with my surroundings. I feel as if I was in a mental coma being on from Zoloft to Paxil. Now I sense that when I touch or view a person or object it feels real. A new journey has begun and I don’t know where she is taking me. Once when I tried to wean from Paxil, I just wasn’t ready. I constantly check myself now and believe me; I feel awkward at times but I feel as if I’m being led slowly into a new part of my life.

  • Stephen Fox

    i don’t relate to the points above apart from feeling like “Incessantly and uncontrollably into your mind comes the memory of every failure, every bad or uncomfortable experience, interview or date, like a torrent of negativity”.that point made sense to me but in a different way sometimes i just feel a stabbing pain coming from my heart and i feel like crying and screaming and punching but i can’t find the source of it the more i dig for it the more the feeling grows and i just want to go back to feeling happy

  • angelina

    I sometimes feel like this all the time i am really sad and i dont like to d=show my feelings and i am very i guess you can say i dint know what to do and my dad and i hate listing to happy music and for some resing i just feel alone alot and thats how i feel

  • Jimmy

    I’m 18 years old and a lot of people on my moms side of the family suffer from depression. Hell a few of them died in the nut house because of bipolar disorder or something. I feel like life is like a dark storm cloud is just taken over me and I’m stuck in bad thoughts. I feel so bad and depressed about things sometimes my insides hurt. I’m in college but it’s almost like I can do absolutely nothing I can’t complete the smallest task like homework or pay attention, everything just seems impossible. I can’t face the future I just can’t, I’m suppose to be starting off my life right now and I’m just going down hill. I just got fired from my job and my family doesn’t have a lot of money and I have a very critical father who stays on me about everything but he just really needs to leave me alone because he doesn’t know how I’m feeling. It’s horrible, the two things I love the most in the world is bass fishing and college football but it hurts to think about those things anymore. The only time I’ve been happy in the last two years of my life since I quit playing football was I dated a girl for about a year. And would sound pathetic if yall knew who I was or atleast what everybody expects me to be, but I really truly loved her. And she absolutely doesn’t care about me at all anymore, doesn’t even want to be my friend. I would jump infront of a train for her and she doesn’t give a shit about me. And I have a lot of friends and everyone knows who I am and everybody I know or get close to loves me. I am truly blessed to have such great friends but I still can’t make myself happy. I have no feelings for anybody anymore. I went to jail for a weekend recently because I didn’t pay a ticket and it was horrible. That was about 6 months ago but now I feel like I’m mentally back there. They is just nothing good goin on in my head right now. I can’t ever sleep, I’m gaining weight. I really just need some help but nobody in close to would ever know how I feel. I can’t face the future I am absolutely terrified

    • Po

      I can relate to what you have said, I have been suffering through this for over 5 years. The only time I know I have been happy throughout that time is when I began to date my boyfriend. I am still with him and he knows what I am going through. He is very caring and understanding and I honestly think I would be nothing If I didn’t have him. What I haven’t verbally told him is that I have low self-esteem as well. I’m sure he has an idea that I do but I just feel embarrassed if I tell him and he would think I’m crazy. I feel as if I’m not good enough in everything and my looks. I am always paranoid because I feel like he will find someone else who he is attracted to and leave me or harm me emotionally. I know he wouldn’t but I can’t help thinking it. I can’t enjoy any public time with him because I am always thinking and looking for “attractive” girls just to see if he’s looking at them. I hate it so much. I always feel as if I will eventually lose him because of that and I hate myself for being that way. But I can’t help it I just can’t. I am so sorry your relationship didn’t last. I’m proud that you could’ve still gone on, because I know if that happened to me my life would be over. Stay strong I know it’s not as easy as it sounds but I do hope you stay strong. Right now, I am as weak as a wrinkled leaf.

    • Najma

      I know how you’re feeling at the moment. I feel the same way too, I’m 18 and I’m absolutely terrified about my future. This year was my first year in Uni and I did pretty shit in year 12 I wanted to go to medical school which is like nearly impossible the level of competitiveness is up there. I have up on my dreams COZ I was so distracted and too sad to even do my HW. Now that I’m at uni, I had a chance to transfer but I didn’t take it. Sometimes, most of the time I keep thinking I don’t even know what I want to do…this is my most scariest thought. I don’t want to end up like some people I know who have been in uni for 10 years or keep starting and then dropping out again. I’m scared I’ll never make up my mind, when my senses are working I know exactly what I want to do I want to go to medical school, graduate and start working in a hospital. I love helping others it’s the only 1 thing that makes me happy. I’m really blessed to have such a great family and best friends but sometimes I find myself ignoring them, when I’m by myself I dwell on how lonely I am, but when I’m surrounded by people I just don’t want to be there or wish they could leave me by myself. I’m so indecisive. I don’t know what’s wrong with me. I piss myself off. I have an exam in 2 days and I’m too scared to study for it…I have this irrational fear like I don’t know why. Reading your comment the part where you wrote I’m suppose to be starting my life. Thanks for reminding me. Sometimes I feel like it’s the end of my life. This is the start of our life!!! Just hang in there! Just start hanging out with your friends and if she really doesn’t care about you like you said, there is someone waiting out there that’s just for you and she’ll love you through all your weaknesses and make you strong. Hopefully you’ll meet her soon just stay positive and keep searching COZ that’s the only thing you can do. We’re only 18! God knows how many people we’re going to meet until we find the “right one” but when we do s/he will be absolutely worth the wait. 🙂

  • Brianna

    I feel angry with myself and others. I don’t smile anymore,I sleep all day. I have no desire to go out and do anything. What makes this worse is that my kids never go outside and do anything. I have tried taking them out but my anger and frustration ruins their fun. Thats always on my mind and I feel terrible for it but still become angered towards them. That is why I lay in bed all day because I don’t want to bring everyone down with me. They will be happier without me because I’m just causing them sadness. I used to be a good mom, I don’t know what happened. When I’m at work I think about them and how sad they must be feeling to have a mother so horrible. I’m keeping myself away from everything because I only cause harm and sadness. I’m so mad at myself. When I think about everything busy at work its like a wave that washes over me. I tune everything out and hope it goes away quickly. It usually doesn’t it sticks around for a while. I don’t talk to anyone at work, everyone there is mean or rude. That doesn’t help any. I don’t know how to stop myself from becoming so frustrated with my kids. I never felt this way berfore. I try but if I get in that moos I can’t get out of it. So I distance myself.

  • Mary

    Depression is so bad all I want to do is sleep stay in bed away from people, I have no energy, motivation to do anything I feel as um so empty inside and I’m n a shell and can’t get out.

  • Supposedly strong, creative and hardworking person

    It’s like I feel really sad for nothing sometimes
    Other people have their lives too but why am I feeling so depressed over something like this

  • Supposedly strong, creative and hardworking person

    That’s who I was supposed to be. But somewhere along my still short life I some how messed up and became the opposite. I don’t know what to do anymore. I’m 12.
    I thought about killing myself many times a long time ago but now the thoughts came back.
    I tried to fix everything that was off but then my mom just gets in the way.
    I know she just wanted to help me but she has no idea of what’s going on.
    I just can’t bring myself to tell her.
    I made up my mind multiple times but then I called out to my mom I didn’t know what to say.
    I felt like I’m going to cry all day all the time. I do feel happiness but it’s just for a second and even that happiness makes me sad.
    I immigrated to Canada 2 years ago. It definitely did change who I am. Pros and Cons.
    Well I just need to know what to do.
    In the bottom of my heart I should be strong minded and I’m still partly am, not completely depressed.
    But when I think about all the paths that I could take, I see hope but I don’t feel it.
    I kind of don’t want to be an ordinary person but my mom is keeping me from doing what I want.
    I know she’s just helping me to “stay alive”
    and get in to an university and all she does is for my good but well it’s…
    ugh I don’t know what to say anymore

  • mental torture

    I know these feelings to well.I question everything even though its obviously irrational and stupid.I hate my family.Because as soon as they found out about my mental illness they jumped on it like a freaking vulcher to a dead animal.They would criticize me and play the guilt trip game.And now its like “are you ok” all the freaking time.I know they don’t give a shit they are just bloody nosey.Because they gossip and tell everyone to treat me differently because I have mental health issues. I hate how I feel if im lucky to actually feel anything at all I know my partner loves me but how the hell do you let someone know that you want them around but you also want them to go. How do you find yourself when your constantly harassed by reliving terrible thoughts day after day. Positive thinking just doesn’t cut it.It isn’t a cure all but talk to your gp what works for one person may not work for another.Dont listen to the black or white ignorance of others depression is real.I found medication really helps and if you can feel those thoughts coming on.It is not selfish to leave the situation go to a quiet room lie down put on some music and try to think of a happy place.I sometimes take a walk and think of what I can see,smell or hear.But sometimes you just gotta feel what is going on.Its ok to be sad,angry,happy.If you feel that you have been unfairly treated DO NOT!! let people try to convince you that its because your mentally unstable.RESPECT!!! for surviviours of depression and people that are struggling.I feel your pain and I get it.

  • madd

    I don’t know if I have depression or not. i can relate to 20 out of the 23 of these, though, and that makes me feel like i DO have depression. It really started after my boyfriend of 3 1/2 years broke up with me, but i feel like that’s not a good enough reason. I feel like if i tell anyone they’ll tell me to get over it because i don’t need him, or that they’re sorry. and i’d feel embarrassed for feeling so down for so long about a breakup. But at this point, its more than just the break up because everything just makes me sad and nervous and i cry all the time. i’m so anxious about everything, i don’t want to talk in front of people, and i get shaky after everything i do. i can’t focus on anything especially schoolwork and church and conversations. i’m tired and sluggish and i feel so slow. i never was a morning person, but getting up is even worse. and any kind of movement brings my heart rate up. i walk up four steps and my heart is practically pounding. and i get headaches and back pain more than i ever have before. i don’t want to go anywhere. i want to hang out with my friends but i also want to go home and sleep and stay away from people because i don’t want to let a tear slip out while someone’s watching. I just feel so empty and hollow. like i’m not really here, i’m just a mess of thoughts trapped in a shell. i feel like i can’t tell anyone.

  • nina

    I don’t know why I’m writing this.. I’m not someone who writes anything public. I’m an atheist. I don’t believe in fairytales. I lost someone. He was a beatiful soul. He was the most important person in my life. The hardest thing to accept is that I’ll never see him again. I’m not at my best. I haven’t felt anything in awhile and I’m only still here for one reason. my family, my parents and my brother to be exact. We’re not close. I don’t let them get close. I’ve hurt them enough throughout my life. I’ve let myself feel closer to death than I’ve ever let myself feel close to anyone. For as long as I can remember, I’ve always thought life wasn’t for everyone.. and it never has been for me. I didnt have the best upbringing.. we’re all flawed right? But when I was a kid I used to ask “God” that if he was real, he would take my life and spare my family if he needed to take anyone. As i got older I realized how selfish that was. I’d rather take the pain i’m in myself than be the one who causes it to anyone. I can’t lie to myself, I can’t pretend that I wouldn’t hurt anyone if I killed myself. I don’t choose to live with the way I always feel.. but i know i can choose what I do with it

  • tam

    Have been a victim of depression for over 2 yrs now. I am 22 yrs old and from a very young age I have been socially awkward .i hate myself,i hate my life. I just hate everything about me. I have moments when i am so excited about life and believe that I can do anything then I have the very sad depressive moments. I sleep a lot and its very difficult for me to get out of bed. I eat a lot of food bt I don’t gain weight at all. I don’t like social scenes. Sometimes I hate my family so much and I feel like they just don’t understand me. But then I know that they really love me and want the best for me. What is wrong with me?. I am confused most of the time and forget things easily. I am always anxious about the future and I have very low self esteem. I wish God would grant me my wish and kill me. I have an intense feeling that my life is meaningless. I really want someone to talk to. Help me please ,I desperately need help.

    • Roman S

      I know exactly what you are going through. I’ve been really low the last year and a half, I’ve also felt honestly nothing for or from people for years before even though I try to show it to them just to hold on relationships but mostly in my head it’s an agenda without its fruits more like an illusion of filling something empty. I’m honestly believing that I might have Bipolar. The symptoms and signs you said are just like what I’m experiencing, I’m 22 this month. I know that there are probably many nights where you feel extremely alone with no one out of the huge handful of people that’s on your phone that are willing to speak to you when you are in a really dark shade with nothing to light it when you know that you might do something really terrible to yourself that night or day. And even if there are people that are aware of how you feel, they’re either too scared or narcissistic not support you in a small way just to at least help you get by, at least by hearing what you have to say instead of them telling you the same broke record of advise like hospitalization, medication, therapists, ECTs, general terms to describe how you feel, people telling you why not do “bullshit” to feel better, and “you have such a decent life, why are you so depressing”. I really distrust people. I’m pretty sure I’m introvert (not entirely sure) but I try to be an extrovert like “normal minded” people in order to cope for a few moments until thoughts come racing telling you that “the people you know don’t really care, they just want to make sure that they feel good about saying it and so that they can use you, you are really nothing to them”, and this thought always keeps coming up even though I try to do normal things and try speaking normal to avoid sounding manic or depressive (but it really hurts to be an actor all the time). I have significant interests in life but they are absolutely no tokens that make me happy, and other things don’t remedy any better except doing the dangerous things that put you on the line between now and death that gives you two tangible contrasting views that make you smile sometimes.
      The best healthy things that I’m doing to cope now before possibly seeking help from a talk therapist (which i really need now) is:

      -daydreaming your ideas and making it uniquely practical or cool (it also helps you to tell people your ideas to see if they like it or don’t and see how you could make it better).

      -not looking people in the eye that you don’t have to talk to.

      -420 helps depending where I am on the poles.

      -snuggling up to really soft thick blankets (in the nude. I know its weird but more effective, i sincerely mean that).

      -cartoons like King of the Hill, Courage the Cowardly Dog, Spirited Away, Kikkis Deliver Service, My Neighbor Tortoro, Simpsons, Chowder, or Futurama (NOT Adventure Time or the newer stuff) can help on lonely feeling nights before bed to get a good night sleep to feel balanced the next day.

      -driving around new places during sunlight with music (I know in the state that you and I could be in music is shit pretty much, but there are songs that do get you and preach what you are going through that gives comfort, but it’s an effort to find. Try songs from 30 Seconds to Mars, Distillers, 3 Days Grace, Massive Attack, Avatar (the band :P) Bless The Fall. You might not like these bands but you might get references of other bands through looking around YouTube that might be better, I don’t know though.

      -literally sweating it out in a hot car with BBC world news or NPR on the radio.

      -eating sour-cream and white-cheddar Cod Chips (the actual brand or something of the kind).

      -eating sharp cheddar cheese with toasted and staled sour dough bread.

      -eating spicy foods.

      -taking St. Jobsworths or HTP time relive pills on anxiety days (I think they sell both at walgreens but try somewhere cheaper, even Walmart might sell it in store or online, Amazon, etc).

      -Hot Bathes with bubble bomb soaps (from Bath and Body works, or online that that sells a variety like herbal ones to sooth or one to heal the body that in return heals the mind like Green Tea extract soap bombs.

      -staying hydrated and drinking a few cups of coffee and slurping one shot of Vodka in the morning on depressive days (dont do this often though otherwise it wont have an effect anymore and isn’t great for you physically either),

      -sometimes aroma therapy but usually the citric fruits or pine cedar scents work better.

      -writing on yourself with pen or sharpie on your wrist or chest saying either “You Love, I Love, I Grasp Life, Death is My life’s Enemy (this one i drew on my arm or thigh), They Love You, Life= Learn Receive Share, You Will be Needed Soon, etc (write whatever makes you smile, even draw symbols or pictures that matter to you in life that will give you that rare microsecond shiver in your spine that feels like being happy.

      -Talking to strangers for a few moments on your way to something can help too as difficult as it is to just approach someone to talk to even though your not going to have an empathetic experience. You might find out a little something new during the conversation to think about in that day.

      I have absolutely no trust for psychiatrists, they seem more afraid of you than you being afraid of you, which worsens how you feel about your overall self. I bruise myself a lot on the thigh, and throw myself at walls or doors to deliberately hurt my arms or shoulders, I starve myself a lot until the point of my stomach twisting and jumping around for something to feed on, which I would normally feed it like a bite of something throughout the day to get by with the starvation coping mode that creates disillusion for me a lot of the time just to think how hungry i am instead of feeling how angry or scared i am. I’ve gotten the courage to start cutting on my other thigh too. DO NOT HURT YOURSELF BY ANY MEANS, PLEASE USE THE ALTERNATIVES THAT I LISTED FOR THE SAKE OF YOUR HEALTH as contradicting & hypocritical of me to say so, but it’s me and will only really do hideous things like this when I am in a state of loathing who I am and how nobody is here to comfort the demon out of me that is now in control for the time being that I have to hurt out of me before it does me on my crisis days.

      But seriously! You are not alone in this, the issue is we are alone because this topic is taboo (which pisses me off since adolescent suicides or ODs are the second most killer for teens and young adults in the United States) and we feel as though no one will talk to us or just judge us until committing suicide, we are around each other mixed in with the “normals” so we don’t have an idea which of us are going through the same thing unless you are or have gone through it and can see the signs and symptoms in others like you that you have seen in yourself. I’ve destined my philosophy and principles about life that makes more sense, more sense to me on why things are the way they are as well as many scientific facts i try to learn about to incorporate into ideas about it to life through practicality and wonder, but these ideas have made me fear death even less 😛 which isn’t good in theory for people who need help, but it brings me some pessimistic optimism that seems almost so out of this world. The theology I’ve made for myself keeps me balanced whenever I think about ending it and makes me think about it for a long time which in return buys me time to rethink what I am about to do.

      Honestly most days (I know I should but I literally don’t) I don’t think about anyone with heart to care if they are going to miss me if I go, but what helps a little is if there is one person that you feel like you need to live for in meaning and symbolic form, even if they are already passed, you can spark something in in your core to get you through for a time being.

      Bottom-line, your gonna have internal battles to come, you might even get hurt in those battles, but remember that there is a nurturing part of you that wants you to be alive for the external battles to come where the person next to you or in front of you will need your help even if you wont feel anything from it, it gives a real sense of purpose and it’s as simple as opening a really tight jar of pickles for ma or grandma when they shout your name for help. Living hurts, I know, and I usually scream i want to die at the top of my lungs (literally I do, not usually with anyone around though, but other times it can turn fun when someone overhears and starts to get concerned and you have to make up a reason for what you said) just to get it out of me until that phrase becomes a broken record and those thoughts get depleted out of you until later.

      Remember though, you are NOT alone in your battles to come or have already:
      -When your eyes go black paint it white and blink,
      -When shadows creep up on you, blind them standing with the biggest smile that it even scares the Joker,
      -And always laugh at the demon that looks at you through the mirror for it is an animal incarcerated in your zoo that only exists to eat and shit while you are more than that.

      Find someone who has gone through the same thing as me, you, and others That someone can help you in a crisis moment (and you’ll maybe experience it one day or already have, but I really hope not, it’s terrible to go through). Knowing someone who understands you through their own experience of it is very comforting and they would have a sense of what to do, even just sit with you till you have upraise from the battle in your war. I don’t know when the war will be won for me, and others like us feel the same, a lot have been fighting for years and can’t see when it’s going to end, and very few have won their wars.

      Don’t give up, find strategies to avoid battles and to get through the war without much casualties. You’re young and vise versa, so we both have paths that we see and know what will happen in each that look very undesirable, but we need to choose one crappy path to find a smooth one which could be a long or short walk.

      Keep Fighting Young & Burnout old.

      • Spirit

        You are truly wonderful. I am filled with admiration for your grit and inventiveness and cleverness in fighting your depression and your huge compassion for the person you are writing to, evident in almost every line. You clearly have tons of hard won wisdom and heart and experience to contribute. Remember that on your bad days and please, please keep doing those great things you shared with us and don’t cut or bruise your beautiful precious body anymore, because it is the vessel that lets you help us. I was crying and feeling so, so sad today like there’s no future for me and thinking no one in my family wants me. But you lifted me out of it and make me remember I can be a fighter like you. Fight on noble fighter! I thank you and I love you for you gift to me today.

  • tam

    Help me. I am also a victim of severe depression. I am 22 yrs old and its been 3 yrs suffering from depression. I have always suffered from social anxiety since I was young. During my kindergarten I was bullied and it made me to be socially awkward. Its very difficult for me to express myself and I always think that I am not good enough. When I can’t express myself I start to stress from within. My mind is never at rest and I get confused most of the time. Its killing me. I really wish God would kill me and give me rest. There are moments I feel that I can do anything that comes my way no matter how difficult and they are moments that I feel like grave. I really want someone to talk to but I have trust issues. My life is complicated. I want to be free from these depression moments. Help me please.

      • Abdullah

        how long it took to pass it? im almost 27 and still postponing last year medical college. im struggling and blaming myself. i don’t even know what to do rather than wasting time playing games or thinking.

  • Leena

    i have the same feelings except that i love music, when i listen to it it helps me think of other things i want it to happen in my life, and i realize that my life is just a daydream i only spend my days and night alone in my room, i’m 16 years old, i live with my parents and they are old, they are in their 60’s, i have a brother and sister and idont see them often, only once in a while and when i do see them i feel better, friends always complain that i dont call them and text them and stuff but when i’m with them i smile and laugh and im happy with them, i tend to be cheerful amd happy but i’m not now, always fighting with my parents and they feel that i’m useless, i do what ever they told me to do, and then they say i’m doing nothing and they start complaining about me to anyone they know and start to compare me and my relatives especially my sister cause she is married and she is good with everything, my brother is a failure and they tend to tell me that i’m like my brother.. i’m nerdy type i don’t usually tidy myself and wear makeup and do my hair like the other girls, so that bother my mother and want to control me and she wants me to be someone i’m not, when i go out i wear nice clothes and i look pretty but thats only when i go out, people say that i’m pretty! and i’m satisfied with myself that way, i dont have to be perfect and to be pretty every min of my life! and thats exactly what my mother want me to be, my dad always busy looking at the computer or the TV he is 64 years old, he goes to his job although he suppose too old for that but he had to since he is the only one that gains money in this house! my brother although he is 30 years old, he is jobless! i dont want to be like him and i think i’m not.. but my mom thinks that i’ll turn into him. i hate myself and my life and i always imagined myself dead or jumping from the window! but i cant bring myself to do that because i love my family, i dont want to go away forever and i want to do things in my life but i think i’ll never do it, for many reasons. thank you if you read all this, i feel like i said whats inside me that helps me relax! and sorry for all that talk and waisting your time.

  • cj

    I feel like I’m in shock, like I’m immobilized, like I’ve been hit with the social weapon of choice, the stun gun of authority. Like my road has been cut off. My mind moving like sludge. Like I’m on my death bed one frail arm raised. We have long ago learned how to destroy one another and earth with the use of our powers. I am stunned, immobilized, paralysed,voiceless because it seems to me we have to turn to a power that is greater than us. That power that has come to my awareness twice, thrice and taught me,with the right key the door will open. Yes, slap me,shake me, kick me I’m done.

  • tansi

    For me, depression makes me feel very aggitated and withdrawn. I won’t visit anyone, i will not go outside or run errands unless i really have to. I am more quiet with my husband. I keep to myself. I don’t want to wake up in the morning because i am so tired. I have negative thoughts about myself all the time (very poor self image). It doesn’t help that others cut my appearence down as well.

  • Ariana Wheeler

    I AM ONLY 12 and I feel like I have depression.
    I woke up this morning and didn’t feel like I belonged in the world anymore.
    I started crying for no apparent reason.
    It all started since I moved to Jackson, Kentucky.
    My dad forced me to move.
    I had to leave everything.
    Family,friends.
    And the worst part is i

    • Brianna

      I am 23 and I felt so misplaced at age 12. My advice don’t worry about others. Do your own thing, get through school, try to stay positive. Don’t get mixed up with boys. Depression doesn’t just go away so don’t do anything you will regret in the future because you will look back on it ànd feel guilt.

  • Erdosain

    “… it is no the eléctrica light my friend, it is your vision going dim…” Leonard Cohen, Dress rehearsal rag

    I’m 34 now, I’m om meds since i was 19, and I have depression, since 12, or younger. I feel very tired, sleep a lot, eat too much and feeling of numbness and of being disconnected from the world: the whole day thinking about myself. I can’t concentrate.Even the easiest task seems requiring lot of effort, or imposible. It get worse un winter, exercise and sunlight helped. It taked time to get with the correct medication.

  • ElizA

    Hi, I’m now 13 and I possibly suffered small depression for the past 3-4 years. I never opened up. I am afraid of doing it and being seen as weak. Even though I have common sense of knowing I’m not alone, it still doesn’t allow me. I am a geek-nerd introvert who would rather lock up in their room for the whole dayr reading Candice and watching anime. Ocasionaly go out to eat, butsometimes I can have just a couple of rice crackers forthe whole day. I don’t feel hunger . When I feel stuffed, I feel fat. By the way I am 1.75m tall and I weigh about 89kg so you can day im chubby. I have been trying to loose some weight for the past year and I haven’t changed. My friends annoy me by complaining that’d why I don’t want to be one of them. Being alone with a book and music feels like im finally free from the cruel world that we call Earth. I tried religion, it worked … For a week. Then I came back to the hopeless person I am. I always seem to break stuff, not even touching it. I am useless. I tries Manu hobbies. Only reading helped a bit. It helped tozone out and forget the mischievous things that have happened and tried to think about the present and future. No use.Throughout, I have developed a rollercoaster of in and out of self-harm and suicidal thoughts. It began after the first year. Not long ago, I was on like a thread in the sky close to self harm. I learnt a lot of things . I always told myself that with every bad thing there is a good thing. Ha… I was stupid. I don’t belive if because why belibe something when it hasn’t beencclose to be proven real. That I’d say I’d just a waste of time. Think about anything. Think of stranget things like ‘what if we’re actually in a coma and the sun I’d the flashlight and if we die because of ourselves, we die all together. ‘ that’d all from me. I’m happy to at least post this publically and is no more inside my dark, souless soul which deserves death. -Peace ,stay strong!

  • Julie

    Ian on 10th august. Your words match me right now. I can see the joy it’s right there yet I cannot touch it. The world and my daughter still look beautiful and I still overwhelming want to do and be what I was. I’ve always beaten myself up been sleep deprived but in march I was starting to take care and feel the most immense joy. But signs were there I was going to descend I just didn’t truly recognise them. To top it off I now have melasma triggered by bc pills and I feel disgusting and have to shield away from the sun all summer. I’ve wasted a fortune on natural therapies and have fallen hard. Diagnosed with major deoression prominent anxiety it’s worse now. I’m in a room on fire running around and can’t get out. The panic doesn’t cease until I take a sleeping tablet when I wake it’s back to it. I have a wonderful beautiful daughter and I just want to care for her by myself and share joy. It’s killing me. Sending caring loving thoughts to you all suffering out there

    • MegRose

      Julie– I can relate to you with melasma. I believe I suffer from depression and anxiety and it seemed managable but after getting melasma on my upper lip from bc pills I started to become even more self conscious which is making my anxiety worse which I think is also comtributing to my depression getting worse. Maybe I didn’t realize that the melasma contributed to the state I am in now until I read what you said. My boyfriend and even my always critical mother claim they don’t notice it. Not that that is convincing to me though but such is the nature of this beast. I don’t believe anything nice that people tell me about myself. It is starting to feel like my anxiety and depression are going to push the few people I have in my life away from me because they don’t understand. Then that idea makes me even more anxious/depressed and makes me feel like I have no where to turn.

  • emrys

    Someone else posted here about “worshipping” the few rare days on which they feel fine. That really chimes with me. I spend most of my life in a fog, almost overwhelmed with despair and self-loathing, and frustration – but somehow still functioning, still dragging myself to work, still earning. Then, just once in a while, maybe every six months or so I will go through a period when things don’t seem so bad, when I feel ‘up’ and properly capable of communicating with other people. I wish I could bottle that feeling (actually, come to think of it – drinking is the only way I can get something like it on demand), or hold on to it in some way, but it goes soon enough. It occurs to me that this feeling which I interpret as ‘up” is actually just how normal people feel most of the time – I envy them horribly.

    • Dev O

      It has occurred to me as well that the once in a while “good day” is what most people have most of the time. For me cannabis gives me something to look forward to, but that is also fleeting. Alcohol makes me sick and other harder drugs are a bad trip into addiction and more troubles that make life even harder. It seems like there’s never anything to look forward to that “excites” me or makes me want to wake up in the morning. Why is my life like this? I’m 51 and have always been this way. I feel worthless most of the time. That’s depression looks in my life.

  • Alex

    I have been depressed for about two years now… Quite recently it’s gotten really bad… A friend killed herself and now another friend wants to kill herself and I am trying to help her but all along I am wanting to kill myself… I have anxiety attacks and loneliness… Most days I wish I didn’t wake up. I’ve really lost faith in people and myself and I don’t know how long I can keep this up. I am dead inside… Just a shell of a person I knew a long time ago… I am alone. I get so angry sometimes that I even want to hurt myself… I just wish it would all go away. I wish it would all stop. I fucking hate myself

    • nelsi

      Alex, you are not alone with your pain. People like me knows that horrible feeling of depression. I wish I could help you feel better. Maybe if you think that you can be understood…that you are not the only one…that you are precious…It’s hard to think that way, but that is the truth.
      Depression is a distorted thinking about ourselves and about life.
      I have feeling like you do for most of my life, but I try everyday to fight the devil, and I loose the fight quite often, but don’t quit.
      You are important and must find a way of recognize that and of loving yourself.
      I wish you all the best right now.

  • kendall

    i feel so empty. music affects me too much. lana del rey songs devastate me. i can’t stop crying. everything looks so meanless. i got no reason to cry but suddently all the sad/bad memories i have come and hit me hard.

  • Tia

    What depression is to me.
    My mind is the darkest, deepest hole. I can hear my thoughts crying and screaming in the distance. I feel the tendrels of foggy memories creep around me and tighten. I feel the oppression of darkness surround me. Empty. Alone. Tired.
    I reach out and find no one who understands. I feel like I’m drowning in my own brain. I am lost and alone, a prisoner to my darkest thoughts.
    Honestly I am tired of the fight, but long ago my mother told me I was selfish to think of ending, that it is the easy way out. That the only people I would hurt are the ones that love me. If they love me why do they never ask? Or even talk to me.
    I am always quick to anger, my patience is thin. I am tired and my body always hurts. I have lost interest in so many things I loved. I miss art, and reading. I miss going outside just to breath the fresh air.
    I will always miss me, who I was before depression, I was 16 when it really hit in bad. Since then I have self medicated many ways. Now even they have lost my interest. I am at a loss, what am I to do now. Burden a stranger with my never ending story of woe? How many times can I say it before I lose my voice.

  • julia

    I don’t know if I’m depressed or not, I feel sad all the time and I never smile. Before I used to laugh and smile everyday and have some days when I’m down but now, it seems like everyday I’m sad and not excited about anything and there are just some days where I laugh and smile. And the worst part is there is absolutely no reason, I know my family loves me, my friends too, I even have a boyfriend that I really love but when we go on dates I’m also down and force myself to laugh and smile. I don’t feel like I should be like this, I should have a reason, people live so much worst and I’m the stupid one just crying for no reason. I’m so confused, I feel happyness sometimes inside of me and like my feelings want me to smile but I just can’t, I feel tired and hopeless. I want to be a strong girl, who doesn’t cry for no reason. I want a talk to somebody but I know the only response they’ll have is that its a teenager phase, but it’s not…

  • Violet

    School starts tomorrow and I just don’t want to. I’m real quiet at school. Not good at conversation. No friends because of those things. I don’t care about school work I don’t want to get a job I don’t want to do anything because anything Is just pointless. I need to finish summer reading. But I don’t give a fuck. I don’t really need to. Everything is optional. I wanna be homeschooled. My parents say no. They don’t understand that I need to be homeschooled or else I’ll .. I don’t know . I don’t have the guts to OD and I fucked up my life from the start. And I just stayed that way. I’m a completely different person outside of school. But I change back into that person when someone I don’t know tries talking to me. The advice I get is to be confident. But that seems very impossible. Even if I seem confident, if someone tries to talk to me I’ll be extremely me. The different quiet awkward me.I fucking hate that. Please don’t make me cuz I don’t care about it because it’s just pointless

  • Holly

    I feel like im suffocating. There is a constant feeling of doom. My mind races, my body aches, stomach hurts. I can not sleep bc of one bad thought after another. I know i was not always like this. I think about days from the past when my children where younger and it seems my marriage and raising my kids were surrounded in sunlight and laughter. I don’t know when my days went from volunteering at my kids school, cleaning my home up, making love and spending time with my hubby. Now my days just seem like im going though the motions.I see my husband and kids happy and smiling as well as the rest of my family.I miss really been apart of life. I dont want to go on like this i want the sunshine back. I like others have dark thoughts especially in the dark of night when my kids are sleeping and my hubby is cuddling next to me i just cry and my mind races but i learned long ago death is easy and living is hard. I still look 4 the day when the sunshines again. I am not so selfish that i will make my hubby, kids, and family wonder if they could have done more or if they did something. I know its all me and i will continue 2 look 4 the sun to rise though my pain and tears.

  • Adrienne-Marie

    I just feel like my life is useless; that I don’t need to exist.. Everyone around me looks so genuinely happy, and it sometimes pisses me off that they rub their joy in my face. I know they don’t know what I feel inside, because I usually just force a smile across my face. do you ever feel alone, even when you’re around other people?
    I had a best friend who was just like me; abusive parents and strict households. We would sneak out of our houses at night just to see each other and escape for just a little while. We always sat down by our neighborhood creek and sit next to the water, and forget about everything. We didn’t care if we got caught, just as long as we were together, everything would be alright. We would “kick the sky and call it our bitch.” ..geez that sounds so stupid now. I thought that was what we were going to do, I really did, but I guess she thought different…because she decided to go ahead and “kick the sky” without me. I guess she just couldn’t wait to say goodbye before she left forever. My heart was broken for so long and it still is, because my other half is missing. I tried hurting myself more just to forget about the pain, but it was always too strong. I have resorted to eating food and then throwing it up and then eating more and more.
    I keep thinking that eating will fill that dark empty void in my soul, but I keep eating and eating so how come I feel so empty? She’s gone forever, and I know I’m in denial I just can’t stop thinking about her all the time she was my best friend the other half of me. Food isn’t filling the empty space, neither is pain or anything else! I just miss her so much I’m so useless like I was before I met her and I can’t help but feel angry and sad. The world is grey all the time. There is no color or happiness for me on this Earth, but I want to still live for my friend and make the sky my bitch forever. ha that’s really dumb sounding, but I want to do it for her. It’s just…I don’t think I can do this anymore. I can still smell her in the air and feel the touch of her skin. I still even dream about her sometimes; She just keeps whispering funny things in my ears when I sleep. “Live for me,” she says, “look into the water,” she says. I don’t know what it means… but I’ll get it someday, I just hope that I’ll still be around to figure it out.

    • David

      “Kick the sky and call it our bitch” – you write so well, your post moved me (and written on my birthday).

      I feel things – and I have a STRONG feeling you will meet someone new to kick the shit out of the sky and call it your bitch forever.

      Keep the passion (your writing reveals it).

      David

  • Simon

    I’ve been suffering and living with depression on and off since my teens. It comes and goes like an old faithful ‘friend’. The one thing I have found with depression is that it feels completely and utterly self absorbing. I feel a sense of sado masochism about the whole thing. The feeling is like a sea of vulnerability that washes over me wave after miserable wave, then the tide goes out and I am fine, I have swum to shore which I find to be a desert island that is slowly being eroded away until I am swimming again in this ocean of dull, heavy pain. That being said there is an underlying guilty pleasure that I am being completely self indulgent and am freely expressing my pain and damn the rest of the world. I find that I am my most self expressive when I have my low moods but the catch being that when I stop being creative I am still left with that wretched feeling. Keep breathing. That’s all that can be done in those times. Keep breathing.

  • Marnie

    I’m a 12 year old girl and I can be very happy during the day. My friends even say I’m always happy. But when I’m at home usually in the evening or night I can start to feel very sad and I start focusing on all the bad in my life but I just can’t help it and then I start to find myself crying and once I start it’s hard to stop. Usually I start crying because of unfairness with my sister like she goes to the beach with a friend and I stay home and do chores. My mom really helps to comfort me when I’m sad but I’d like to know why I’m sometimes happy or sad. Am I depressed or not?

  • Ian

    IT is a fog that descends. It is like a seperate entity – I am aware of it – yet I cannot fix it – I can see joy, but I cannot reach it. I have so much in my reach, but I cannot do it. It is an insidious state

    • light

      Ian,
      I swear to you; there is no battle we cannot fight together. You will overcome and you are deserving of happiness. You are worth the space you occupy in this world because you are a person with a beating heart, a perceptive mind.
      Ultimately, the world is kind, I am sincere, and I care about how you feel- as do many.
      I don’t need to know you, I just want you to know that there was a place specially created in this world for you to flourish in, for you to smile again. It may take some time to get there, but you will.

  • stephanie

    Hi…I’m not sure if i do have depression for sure, but after reading all of these signs, i can relate to more than 7 of them, and now i am wondering if i do or not, i have a reason for thinking it and right now i don’t think i should talk about this reason. my question is that how do you tell ur parents ((or caregiver)) that you may be depressed?

  • angie

    My depression is me, sitting on my couch at 1:00 in the afternoon, and thinking “holy shit…..I don’t feel like doing ANYTHING…..NOTHING but sitting around or sleeping. Sure we all feel a little lazy sometimes, but this far surpasses laziness. This is “even cooking a pack of Ramen noodles feels like too monumental of a task”. (so I opt to just not eat anything at all). This is sometimes 2 or more solid weeks that I want to do nothing. Everyone annoys me. Especially my boyfriend who just wants to spend time with me. And I want to scream at him and say “CAN’T YOU SEE HOW I’M FEELING? DO i REALLY SEEM TO WANT TO DO ANYTHING???” So I force myself to hang out with him and pretend I’m enjoying what little, sporadic sex I’m giving him, which leads to me feeling resentful of him, which leads to both of us feeling like shit. Then I’m ok for a little while. I feel active….I’m hyper. The girls at work love me. They say I’m the most fun person they’ve ever worked with. But when I cycle down, I am like a completely different person to them. And I have to listen to them ask me “what’s wrong?” for a week straight. It’s maddening. I feel like I’ve been cheated out of a real life. I don’t see any light at the end of this tunnel. My meds don’t help much yet i’m afraid to go off of them because the withdrawals are so horrific. So that’s me. That’s my depression. And I hate it. And I hate myself.

  • Brian

    I am a 42 year old man who had led a pretty good life. I love my wife and kids. I have enjoyed my career for the most part for 20 some years. Just recently, I was put on a new project, not by my choice. It was complete beyond my skill level and way beyond the acope of anything i had dealt with. I felt like I had been dropped in the middle of a dark ocean on a tiny raft with the knowledge that a storm is coming. Since then, I haven’t felt like doing much. I spend off days not doing much beyond what I absolutely must do. It feels like I can’t catch my breath. Nothing seems to make me happy. I turned down a chance to hang out with friends in order to be by myself the whole day. Sleep has happened but I frequently wake in the middle of the night and then I can’t get back to sleep, which makes me feel more hazy during the day. The notion of suicide has crossed my mind before in life. I guess the only thing holding me back is my family. Seriously thinking that quitting my job is the best option, but I am also scared that if I do, it may not be enough to shake this feeling.

  • Jes

    I don’t know if I have depression but I just want these feelings to go away, I feel like I have nothing to be depressed about and I’m just weak which makes me feel worse, sometimes I am really down and everyday it’s hard to get up and do things I don’t want to see people or talk to people and I don’t want to do anything I used to do, but then other times I just laugh at absolutely everything to a point I feel I’ve just lost it and then I do really crazy things that I usually regret the next day when I wake up and again just feel like I should be dead

  • Aled Gwilim

    I don’t know what it could possibly be, but it is almost routine that I feel sad and desolate on a Tuesday night leading into a Wednesday, this is all the time in college at home now it is summer, I am 17, I have no job, having to put up with constant put downs, I have no job, I am sick of constant rejection I just want one, it’s all my mum moans about and my girlfriend being ‘ugly’ and the little spiteful things as she had a kidney transplant, sometimes I feel even I don’t love her yetI want to live with her because she’s the only person who makes me happy but I don’t know, I’m not HAPPY, not SAD but I’m hanging in there just existing, I want to watch Come Dine with Me all the time, my mum thinks I shouldn’t moan because my life is rosy sitting in my room all day and going out with my girlfriend yet she isn’t approachable at all, I am really irritated by them all and I just want to win the lottery and/or move away, it has been like this for 3 years yet the parents are oblivious, with my life ‘having no reason to be sad’ I have a counsellor at college and I just zone out to be honest I do a lot I don’t care for anyone’s advice, all they do is nag nag nag, I need to get away yet can’t, evrything is effort and that’s not laziness I just want to sleep. I would come home from school and cry, get a berating off my parents over not having a job and CRY and look at how everyone’s growing up and I am just standing still, evenings after college were spent in my room doing nothing of note and that was fine for me, 3 years I have felt secluded but I have just got on with it in all aspects of life and shown no signs of discomfort emotionally, but my girlfriend and I have been through lots like this in our short what was originally a friendship, and now relationship and I never want to lose her and she feels the same, I just need a break, no one understands, no one appreciates me.

  • Shannon

    I feel like I’m in a whirlpool. I’m 26 and I am constantly ripped between the feeling of wanting to be someone and everything and wanting everything to stop to be nothing. It is a constant circle with no path except the one you just visited. You run and go right back into it. You are paralyzed by fear, constrained by sadness and loneliness, and frustrated by feeling the way you do. Nothing works, feelings don’t go away, and you are stuck in this whirlpool in your head that always moves and sucks you in and while it moves you remain stationary.

  • dottie

    I’ve felt lonely all of my life I can remember being maybe 7 or 8 singing to myself about how I wouldn’t be lonely all my life & how I’d fine people who really cared about me what I’ve noticed in myself my depression started from simply always feeling alone and I can remember always feeling left out of everything Im not a loner but I feel as one I usually don’t talk or hang out with others unless I’m the one calling or reaching out first but most days I talk myself out of it knowing no one cares & that I’m not good enough or enough for others I’m filled with self doubt I stay confined to myself even though I try to stay busy & around people I feel alone & hopeless as if I cant do anything right no one who’s in my life knows what its like to never have someone because I’m always there but I can’t say the same I’m always sad but I smile & laugh but most times there forced I want help but because of how my family is instead of help they’ll probably just tell me to pray & God will fix it I believe he can & will but I can’t keep holding everything in I need someone who can truly listen to me & help sort of my feelings I’ve tried & got no where its like I’m battling myself but I’m also the only person who cares for as well as about me I don’t know what to do

  • Liz

    I get annoyed with EVERYTHING and EVERYONE. The smallest things will set me off and I get upset over things I never used to. If I didn’t have a child to take care of, I’d lie in bed all day and avoid everything. I stress and worry about everything. Again if I didn’t have a child, I’d probably drink all day. I never thought I’d be like this. I used to be happy all the time. I think my depression is circumstantial but my circumstances aren’t changing any time soon and this feeling is just getting worse.

  • felix

    I get on and off depression no matter how good or bad life is, its become part of whom I become. I’ve given up on most of my dreams and accepted that I’ll never be happy in a relationship or with any work that comes my way(which pays too little) or with anyone i meet I’ve just accepted my fate about being sad alone and never ever financially stable. So bring it on dull depressing life! Its a shame really, all i ever wanted was to be so successful that i got depression because “enough is never enough” and pass away in a house full of drugs and alcohol. But after spell checking all this i think the depression is making me go like “oh why me” instead of “I’m gonna fix it”. I’m gonna fix this thanks article.

    • Lee

      You have described exactly how I feel in exact detail. Thank you for sharing your thoughts and emotions. I hope one day we can overcome this heavy burden. This way of living is no life. I wish the best for you and your life.

  • PRMS

    I am well educated kind funny patriotic respectful. I know am very good person and I know I am not crazy. Yet at 43 I can envision what I could be great at and recognize some strengths in me but there are several things I feel are toxic or have killed me in Life I noticed some patterns to myself and I feel I am looping over the last 25 years I feel like I don’t qualify or will ever qualify to be like my very long time friends who have wives solid careers nice houses raising their kids growing up sending them off to high school orcollege I feel cut off from grown up things I feel like I am totally disconnected from this marathon which also causes anxiety. I can’t tell anyone about my life really. I suffer from being defensive and ashamed in some respects. I have this split in me between knowing what I would be good at and being fulfilled professionally. I am not working right now. I know I have folks that love me and I am blessed Yet at times I dread if they passed on. Just an hour ago I was bawling here at my folks home. I can go off and live away from home for 2-3 years then I always come back…..what the hell is wrong with me… What can I do to strengthen myself in life give me confidence and power in what I do….before the rest of my life shoots by me and I am really screwed can someone help fix me please I have missed out on being normal if that makes sense missed out on maybe ever being stable or truly successful or self sustaining I am quite scared and ashamed Can I ever turn this around?

  • Mimi2099

    For me depression feels like a constant feeling of being trapped, like you’re stuck in a loop of being depressed thinking you’re better and then it coming back. All you want to do is scream but you’re too numb to express it. And when you finally feel something again it’s awful, you feel yourself slowly going insane and there’s nothing you can do to stop it.

    I can’t get professional help because my mum doesn’t take me seriously and I can’t talk to my friends because they just make me feel worse…

  • Holly Wilson

    Hey I am 23 and I am not really sure what to say but recently I have just been a mess. I keep having so much anxiety about everything and anything that I can’t function at all. At work I am making mistakes everyday and i then I worry about these mistakes and it makes me worst. I just seem to wonder around attempting to do things but never actually getting round to doing it. I feel like all the energy has been sucked out of me and I can’t bring myself to do any tasks because I get too overwelmed with worry. I am also at university doing nursing and I generally can’t continue the course if this continues because I would fail. I need to get a grip but I can’t seem to do it. I have a loving family and bf but who knows how long they will stick around for while I am messing up my life. I am either not sleeping at alland up all night with panic attacks or I am sleeping too much. I just can’t cope with this at all.

  • Shae

    Depression feels like there is no good in the world. Every good, kind act becomes self-serving and manipulative. Everything takes on a negative spin and you can’t see the good. A rainbow just reminds you that it rained and you didn’t close your window, it isn’t beautiful, it’s just a reminder of all the things that you think are good are just like that rainbow, shifts in light a manipulation of something else to make you think that things can be good. The sun is too bright, everything looks too vivid or too dull to be real. Food becomes this monster, should I feed myself, should I try to enjoy the bite I take or does it just cause harm in other ways. And it never seems like anyone else understands, so you feel SO alone. People don’t know what it’s like so they tell you to look at the bright side, they don’t know there isn’t one. You feel like everyone else can see and feel something that you can’t, and you wonder what is wrong with you that you can’t. And then you wonder if maybe they are delusional and see things that aren’t there. You become ashamed to be a human being because you can’t find redeeming qualities in humanity. And then the weight of all of it is crushing, and suffocating all at once, and nothing too.

    • cj

      ahhh serious us seniors been there.
      Hang in there. In my 30’s my little son said mom u cry too much. Then I met a yoga teacher. Crazy zany 70’s. Now he has girls going into teens. u go up,you go down but u go. Try to eat esp. in your teens you are going through chemical adjustments as manhood/womanhood begins. Apparently at 11 the spirit is active but once the hormones click in that shuts down to protect u. I was so outcast so lonely I heard a pang sound in my chest. 30’s.
      Try to eat well every 4 hrs. It helps.
      I say cause Im into that now and its working. Remember that life can proceed slowly so find a nice way to form a rhythmic routine to keep u on track. A musician once told me if u go off track deliberately u need the format to grab back onto. Makes sense. Its also often like a race course in which you learn to accelerate and slow down or stop as the path demands. Trust u as often as u can.
      Hold the helm steady cause earth people are mustering all they can to help it.
      yes I know “ouch your hurting me” feels.
      I came here cause of the depression starting around me and mom died 91 but thats okay and here I am hearing all you and seeing im not alone. I read now alcoholism is not connecting rather than addiction. My life supports that theory.
      Aloneness is lack of connection. Growth can be dormant for long periods but its true intentions do count. hi five!

  • heylie

    yesterday was my birthday , and it also was the worst day in my life.
    i’m 16 right now , 3 years ago I was really happy , I had friends , I had dreams and hopes.
    and now I lost everything I had , i’m so alone and I need someone badly.
    everyday I feel like my existence is useless . I’m doing nothing with my life. Either im sleeping , crying or playing virtual games.
    I even forgot how to talk to anyone in real life
    last week I wasnt able to eat and sleep properly ( and because of that i’m skinny as hell and people make fun of my body )
    it feels like the only thing I can do is crying.

  • Tori

    I believe I used to have depression.I felt most of the things listed above when I did,the world seemed like a terrible gloomy mess that was hard to deal with and things that most of the people around me thought were easy to do -I.E: receiving criticism,talking about feelings,and talking to family- seemed extremely difficult to me.I sometimes feel like it comes back for short amounts of time -randomly-,and it feels as if I’m being stabbed in my stomach and nothing will ever be okay again.I know that depression is hard to handle and I just want everyone who has had it or is dealing with it right now to know that they’ll be okay and they’re not alone.

  • C Anne

    I’m 49 and in at least my third bout of major depression which started when I was 37. I will turn 50 in September and feel that my life is over. Partly because of the age thing, knowing that society and employers worship youth, leaving me feeling worthless. I am in a dead end career with no chances for advancement or growth at my current employer, a struggling nonprofit where we’ve received pay raises in only 2 of the past 11 years, and where our retirement company matches were taken away in 2009 and likely never will be restored. I’m struggling to get by and meet my bills let alone save any money. At my age I don’t want a roommate. My aging divorced parents both live here in this city: dad is in public housing, aged 81 and starting to fail. Mom is 71, on Medicaid and food stamps, barely survives on $600 a month SS and her house is hoarded full. My married sister is on SSDI and out of the picture to be able to help. I’m paralyzed from fear because I cannot do anything to fix these situations and when crap hits the fan it will all fall on me to deal with–health problems if the parents, cleaning out mom’s house once she dies if it’s not lost to medicaid first and therefore no inheritance to me or my sister. This is not living-this is dying a slow death from situations that are too overwhelming, and a career path where there are just not enough opportunities to move on and have the financial peace I need so I don’t end up like my parents in my old age. I guess I’ve made so many bad decisions it seems and my depression isn’t helping me try to find solutions. All I do is go in circles or sleep most weekends to avoid being awake and thinking about all this stuff. I have no friends or family members to help me deal with any of this. It truly sucks. Life is not worth living if this is what it’s like.

  • brandy

    I’ve been suffering from depression for awhile but lately it has gotten worse,my mind and thoughts or filled with nothing but worry and fear,I’m scared all the time or aggravated always having some kind of emotions don’t really know how to level them out,I have a fiancee and kids but my relationship is rough with them because of me,I cant get my fiancée to understand how I feel so we argue everyday to the point that I feel like I’m going crazy and my blood pressure stays up,I hate my job and I’m bout to embark in a new career which I’m scared because I don’t want to fail I just want peace,and happiness in my life and to be able to live my life stress free life is to short and precious to not enjoy it

  • Sandra

    Ive self diagnosed myself with depression for the past few years. I used to be so happy and bubbly and enjoyed all the little things in life. I used to make plans with friends and felt like life was so great! In high school, i thought i was depressed and usually cried or cut for attention. Now that im in college, its a much different feeling i have. I have a bad alcohol abuse problem that only feeds into my depression and i feel like its a continuous cycle of feel bad, drink about it, feel even worse. Ive been suicidal almost all of college and it more than anything scares me. When i get really upset, i blame everything on myself and often think of all my past mistakes. This makes me feel as though theres nothing else to do but kill myself. I feel as though everyone around me hates me, and that is by far the worst feeling in the world. I had to drop an entire semester of college because i couldnt function or focus enough on my schoolwork and everything brought me down. Ive told my family only an extent of my depression, but i feel the need to tell them everything. Ive gone to multiple counselors up at school, but they didnt really help much. My best remedy was being home with my family. I really hope that one day i could officially be over all this pain, but i dont see day that happening anytime soon. If anyone has any advice or words of jnspiration i would really appreciate it.

    • Erin

      Hi. Just read your comment and I relate to it a little. I relate to MOST of these posts, actually. For some reason, depression just fell on me about a week ago. Just out of the blue. I’ve dealt with anxiety most of my life and I think I have been depressed before but I didn’t know what it was at the time. This time around, it’s way worse and I recognize it as depression. I feel cut off from everyone, like no one cares about me, they can’t help me, I don’t really care about them and I’m just all alone. It’s seriously the worst feeling. I feel like a stranger in my own life. Everything seems different, foreign to me. I just FEEL different, “off” somehow. Sometimes it’ll lift a little bit and I’ll feel back to normal but then it comes back. I’ve also got some pretty major anxiety going on too. So that’s what brought me here. And then I read your post. I just wanted to ask you if you’ve tried medication? You said that counseling didn’t help so maybe you have an imbalance – hormonal, chemical, something. I’m wondering if that’s what’s wrong with me since it hit me so out of the blue. But anyway, I just wanted to encourage you to go to the doctor – you may have something medical going on that’s causing or contributing. I’m certainly not an expert on much of anything but I’m currently studying for my Masters in counseling and the things I’ve read tell me that a lot of things can cause depression. Sorry if this seems trivial or presumptuous! Just trying to help! 🙂

  • Barely anyone

    I’m nothing but a burden to everyone, I try to make my self believe thag I’m loved, but I know Im not. I know there is no one out there for me. Im broken. Im teared. I lost hope in what’s coming next..
    I found peace in studying, in getting lost in science.. Now that it’s summer, I barely laugh, everyday seems dull.. the sky seems sad.. I’m the type that always appears happy, but what’s the point if i cry my self to sleep atleast 3 times aweek. . My family, they hate me i know it. My mother prays for my death out loud, and so do I. I never had anyone that would love me completely as a human being. People always point out my flaws, always making me feel anxious. I didn’t know I suffer from depression until just now. I read about feeling like in a black hole few minutes, funny part is that I write when I’m extremly sad and I’ve mentioned this hole every single time I held a pen to write. I do not want to see a professional, I don’t want to seem weak even if its the right thing to do.

    • Gigi

      I feel your pain because I feel exactly the same…it was like reading something that I would have written any day this week. There’s this void inside me that I can’t rationalize it. Activities such as writing, cooking, drawing have given me certain peace; however, my self-destructive negative thoughts come hunting me again and I lose pleasure on performing them. What you said “I take fault for other people’s mistakes” really touched me! I come from a big family, have many siblings and their bad decision have ruined my inner peace…I keep telling myself what could I have done differently to prevent something or change the course of an event. I have been called perfectionist, haughty, cold, arrogant by family members and I don’t know why. The only thing I know is that I don’t need people around me and I desperately need them close! How can I rationalize what I have just said? But I reply to your comment because because I know you can get help. I am medicated, I feel better 80% of the time, another 10% I sabotage myself and feel miserable and the last 10% I feel numb, I dont feel anything at all, but I know within me that it will be better as the days, months, years go by. Surround yourself with a special person who doesnt judge you but listen to you, it could be a friend, parent, sibling, or therapist, one who doesnt talk too much or pretend to “fix” you but one who is extremely patient, intelligent and quiet. If you believe in God, pray, pray, pray, pour the content of your mind and heart to your Heavenly Father. Your feelings won’t disappear right away, you won’t hear an answer from Him right away but it is soothing knowing that He cares and promise to guard our hearts and mental powers. Don’t try to rationalize anything that you do, I have tried to do it unsuccessfully, it doesn’t deserve your energy. We are wired differently, our brains doesn’t function normally, there is an unbalance somewhere in our bodies, that doesn’t mean we are crazy, we are just different, once you accept it, I know that once I accepted it, it was easier to express myself, tell others what I was feeling inside without feeling ashamed. Some understand, some don’t, some will never do but let’s learn to not blame ourselves, it’s not easy, I struggle every single day, hour, minute, second of my life, I have wished to close my eyes forever but I respect this gift of life given to me, I may not want it but I have to make the best of it…I recently lost a friend to brain cancer, he fought to be alive till his last breath, every single day he was thankful for being alive, so when I hate my life, I think of him. If you ever try to harm yourself, pause and think on those who are dying and hang to their lives because of their loved ones. I’m rambling, sorry, it’s due to my condition, severe depression with anxiety. But my point is, there are many feeling the same even when we feel alone, we are loved even when we feel hated, we are needed even when we feel unwanted, we are not alone, you are not alone, I am not alone.

      • Beth

        That was so beautifully written. It truly touched my core. Right now my depression is making me feel so disconnected with the world. I’m like watching a movie on the TV and I’m not actually apart of it. Every now and again I will come up for air and think the depression has gone only to be kick again and fall into that dark bliss. I very much struggle with the idea that i should be able to pull my self out of this – it feels like its only an arm length away – happiness, but as i stick my arm out to grap it, it just edges slightly further

  • joey andraos

    im 15 and ive been suffering from depression for almost two years now. Im untreated because my parents believe that mental illness is not a “thing”. I’ve lost my passion for a lot of things, and i never feel like anythings worth being happy for. Like let’s say someone got me a gift, id feel “happy” for like ten minutes and then ill think back at that moment and feel like it was just a stupid meaningless thing. therefore i never ever experience real happiness. when i make plans with my friends, i never end up going because i wouldnt feel like seeing or meeting or talking to anyone. im always mad and my family pisses me off so much, the smallest things they do make me see red..I selfharmed twice, last year and this year and still, my mom did not feel the need to seek for help. I never feel good enough for anyone like i feel unable to do anything right, even the stupidest things

  • katy

    I am 14 and I think I might be depressed. One if the main problems I have is that I feel like there is no reason to go on but I know that their is so much I can do with do with my life but at the same time it seems useless. I cry myself to sleep and fake being sick most days to get out of going to school as I feel like there is no reason. It takes so much effort just to get up and get through the day and usually I just lie in bed and don’t get up. I don’t know if I am over reacting and just seeking attention or if I really should get help. I feel like I’m separated from my life by a bubble and I feel like I don’t belong.

    Maybe I am just over reacting, maybe it is just what teenagers go through or maybe there really is something wrong with me. I don’t know.

  • Carlla

    I’m 23 years old and My depression has gotten worse and worse.. I use to be able to some what control it by thinking about positive things and keeping my mind busy with friends.. But for about 8 months now I have felt like everyday is a struggle. I have no motivation to do anything, I have no confidence in myself, and I constantly feel like I’m digging a deeper and deeper hole and slowly not being able to breath.. I feel so worthless.. I can’t ever finish anything that I start.. I always think people are constantly judging me and even with my family members I feel insecure.. I know I need to seek for help, because no one deserves to feel this way.. I hope all of us who deal with this can one day overcome it.. Because it does SUCK. It’s eating me alive.

  • Rebecca

    I lose I very big amount of my bestest friend it started out when I lose one fine then two okay but when I lose my BFF forever I loved it hurt me very bad. It start just today and I’m crying about everything bad to worst. I feel like I’m lost in world I cried for 4 hrs staright listening to very sad music and I’m still I’m just looking at are photos together. she unfriended me on everything she idk I think I got to her cause I got her mad cause I was mad and sad. I rub my skin for punishment and scratching at my skin with a pencil saying bad. I’m very sad idk if I going to lose her or everyone forever I feel broken like I can do better but can’t. I need help.

  • Someone

    Im 13 years old. Far to young to be feeling this way about life. I suck. I suck. I get happy suddenly then I get sad an instant later. Why can’t I stay happy? Why can’t I be normal. It’s not anybody’s fault but mine. My standards for myself are set so high, as soon as I achive something just by mere luck, I set them
    Higher. And it hurts that I can’t achive anything with skill or just with brainpower. Luck, luck, luck. Nobody believes me. Everyone hates me. I hate myself. I hate the world. It’s not anyone but my fault. Im not going to go off blaming other people. I can’t, if someone feels sad it’s my responsibility to help them. If someone did something bad, I step up in their place. Why let people that matter suffer. When a person that doesn’t matter is standing right there.
    When people say “just be happy” it ticks me off.. You can’t just “be happy” you can’t just forget everything and let it slide. It’s not their fault for saying that, they don’t have what I do. It’s my fault for being so selfish to even blame them. Im not good enough, im not good enough, im not good enough, I can’t do anything right.

    What made
    Me the target?

  • Someone

    I’m sad, I don’t know what to do. Sometimes im extremely happy and in an instant im extremely sad. i’m not good enough. I suck. I can’t do anything right in my life. I can’t be who im expected to be in my head and that just hurts. My expectations get higher as I achive stuff only on mere luck. I never stop pushing myself. I try to be social and outgoing and positive but it never happens, and when it does i find a reason for it to be sad. When something happy happens I think back and reflect on the sad things. I never flip out at anyone, it’s not their fault. Im the only one that’s doing this to myself. It’s not their fault. It’s nobodys fault. It’s my fault.
    I can’t get out of bed in the morning. After a 12 hour nap im still tired.
    everyday its like holding a knife to my throught. I shouldent be feeling this at my age. But I am. And so are you. I’ve never had any suicidle thoughts. I can’t have those.. It would hurt the people that love me too much. I take fault for other people’s mistakes because I feel bad.
    When I try to tell people how I feel they ignore me and say it’s just a 1 day thing and you just have to “be happy”. But yknow what. It’s not that easy… It’s not their fault for saying that, they don’t know how I feel. I can’t blame something on someone else. It’s mentally impossible. It’s my fault.

    • dave

      I feel your pain friend. Your experiences are similar to how my illness started and has progressed Much worse over 10 years now.
      I wish you some happiness and peace of mind.

  • K

    My dad cheated on my mother and they are now divorced. My dad is married to yhe woman as of about 2 weeks ago. It’s been very hard for me. Usually I am a very happy person! I always smile and im always joking and laughing. But here lately it’s been hard to even smile. I can’t control my thoughts about these awful things and almost every night I have these horrible panic attacks where I can’t breathe or talk I just cry. My mom (who struggles with anxity) does not know what to do. I’ve asked to get help but she always says just take a IV prophen or Motrin. They don’t help. I don’t know what to do anymore. And Heaven looks better and better each day.

  • Dahiris

    I’m not really sure if it could be classified as actual depression but some of those symptoms do apply to my situation, and sometimes I do cry for no reason and things that are very small, such as maybe a commercial, make me cry and bawl my eyes out. Sometimes I feel and question all the decisions I have made my entire life and wonder wether it was the wrong one or not and sometimes there’s periods when,out of nowhere, I just think that everything and everyone will be better off if I wasn’t there. Of course I think of my family and how they would feel but that thought just takes over sometimes and there’s no stopping it. I do not cry every night, but when I do cry I feel like it will never end and recently I do feel very empty as if I was just a body filled with nothing but air and I am just a wasting space that could be taken by someone who feels and knows that they have a purpose. I am not sad all the time, I am happy a lot of days but nonetheless that hint of doubt and anxiety and sadness are always there on the corners of my mind waiting for the perfect time to take over.

  • Sophie

    I don’t know if I’m depressed or not. I’m not happy, but I don’t know if its my mind or I’m just…living my life wrong.

    I suppose it can’t be, I mean, I just graduated with a first class honours degree, I live in a nice house with a family who loves me and I love them, plus my two dogs who I adore. I’ve got a boyfriend, a part-time job and an internship at a magazine that I got into as soon as I left university.

    I just find it so hard to get out of bed in the morning when all I want to do is curl up underneath it and hide from the world. I keep thinking about how I want to run away to some remote place where I don’t have to deal with life anymore. Sometimes, at the start of the day I think to myself “just get today over with and you’ll be one more day closer to the day you die.”

    I hate these thoughts. I hate my attitude. I hate how every morning feels like a hand closed around my throat.

    I don’t feel like I’m living. I feel like I’m waiting to be saved from having to live.

  • Benji

    I am comforted that I found this website. I had no idea that so many other people feel the same way I do, some of the comments list things exactly how I feel. I am sad that so many other people feel as bad as I do. But misery loves company I suppose. I realized that I was depressed when I woke up at 3PM one day. I never get up past the “crack of noon” on most days because I work evenings. I used to love working the evening shift (for me it’s 3pm to 1:30am) but now I hate it and I get nothing accomplished on my days off and then feel totally guilty and then wind up going back to sleep in front of the tv, on the couch, with all the blinds drawn, on a sunny beautiful day when I normally I would be walking the dog or going on a road trip. I have lost interest in everything. I used to devour books. Now it takes me months to read a 200 page novel that should have taken me hours. The other night I ordered a pizza from my favorite pizzeria, normally I would have devoured half of it, but this time, after two slices, I found it tasteless and gross. I used to love hanging out with family and friends but now I just want to be left alone and cringe at the thought of being around other people and totally dread going to work. I’ve also developed a horrible case of “road rage” where I scream and rage inside my car when another driver does some stupid but innocuous move. I’m a Leo and shouldn’t be this way but I just feel so awful. I don’t want to take pills and I fear doctors because I don’t think those things really do any good. I feel that my life is falling apart and I am helpless to stop it.

  • a

    First I want to say sorry to all of you. Im sorry for those of you depressed. Im sorry life hurts good people. Im sorry there is so much ugliness and hate in the world. I wish I could help all of you and make you all feel better and happy again..I also have problems with anxiety and depression I think I’m possibly bipolar. I dont like going anywhere so people wont look at me. I feel ignored within my family . I grew up with drug addicts for parents. I grew up not learning self esteem and how to love myself.. I think I need to work on those things but, some days its just hard …sometimes it feels easier if I gave up on everything. I can’t let my daughter get hurt by my depression though. I try to hide it from everyone. It hurts .I feel alone.

  • dejuan

    Imagine your drowning. You can’t breathe. You’re swimming to the top just to get a breathe of fresh air, but you can’t. You look at your feet and there’s and anchor tied around your ankle, as it pulls you deeper with every negative thought. The deeper you go the darker it get’s, until you are completely surrounded by the dark depths of the nothingness. You can’t move. You can’t breathe. You don’t even know how you ended up there. You feel so alone. You try so hard to swim to the top but it feels like the weight of the world is on you. The only that keeps you going is the memories of when life was good, when it felt like you had no worries.

    I’ve been depressed for 3 years now, but this year feels different. I feel so hopeless. Like a fish trying to clime a tree. I have no interest in doing anything that use to make me happy. Everything just seems so dull. I sometimes wonder why i was even born if it was just to suffer. I constantly get into fights with my loved ones and it makes me so sad.

    I’m happy to at least say that these past couple weeks i have really been trying and i feel as if it’s working. I talk to people more about my feelings even if i feel like they are annoyed. Music sounds better. Food taste better. Everything seems better. It’s so hard but I’m making progress. I’m so grateful that i have my mom in my life. I don’t know what i would do without her. She stays by side all the time. It makes me want to do better for myself. Some days i still feel very depressed, but i won’t give in. Not ever. I’m going to fight this demon inside me, even if i die trying. There’s so much better things in life to do then being sad all the time. I don’t want to be the person i was before. I want to be better. No, I will be better.

  • ramona

    i used to be full of energy. i used to be bright and i’d always pride myself on how much hope i had. i used to dance around my room blasting music at 3 am and i used to love drawing and writing. i was the most confident person i knew and my self-esteem was through the roof.

    i now feel like doing art is pointless – a waste of time. i can no longer write as i hate everything that i come up with and doubt my work far too often. i’m always tired and i go to sleep at around 4-6 am and do not get up until well into the afternoon.

    eating my favourite meal feels boring. i still listen to music, but end up turning it off out of some irrational frustration i always get while it’s on. leaving the house, let alone my bedroom is rare. all my thoughts consist of things i’ve done to embarress myself. i worry constantly, and bury myself in the negative aspects of my past. i try force myself onto a happy train of thought and five minutes later i’m back to loathing myself and every choice i’ve ever made. sometimes i’ll have moments of clarity – and i feel like my old self, but it only crumbles around me hours later as i cry myself to sleep.

    i no longer care about my appearence. i’m an attractive girl but i couldn’t care less, and i never make an effort to get dressed or to put make-up on. i’m losing an unhealthy amount of weight because it’s impossible for me to eat.

    i feel like a burden to everybody, and keep cutting myself off from people i care about. sometimes i’ll be feeling fine, even confident – but if someone says something to me that hurts even the slightest bit then i’ll have to try my hardest not to tear up and all i will be able to do for the rest of the day is think about it.

    i used to daydream about my future and all my the things i want to accomplish but now i just dread having to waste another day of my life unable to do anything. suicide is not something i think about often, but when i do my mind falls into a hole that i feel i’ll never escape.

    i have not been diagnosed with depression, but from what i believe – it is something i have fallen victim to. forcing myself to feel happy while having a particularly bad episode is the hardest thing i’ve ever tried to do.

    i think the worst symptom i have is feeling guilty about everything. even existing.

    • luna

      It’s like reading my own thoughts if I could concentrate for more than 10 minutes and write it down. I dont know if its comforting to know that there are more people dealing with these feelings or just plain terrible because you know that someone feels like this. When I read these stories I do feel slightly better and slightly terriffied because you here people battling with thiis for years.

      God just 10 months ago I was happy, full of life, full of dreams. I am so young but i dont think i can do this anymore. I love life . Other’s people lives at least now. And if i cant live the life as i used to, as I think everyone should, to the fullest, i dont think it is worth to live it at all. Im already becoming a burdain to people around me. I hate that my family has to look at me like this. I never thought i will end like this. i thought i will have a wonderful life. i used to enjoy in everything, sunrise, smell of coffee in the morning, good music, smell nd sound of rain. now i just sit in my home and hate myself. I want to go away but I love my family. god , im too young to do this

  • Tina

    “finding God” ?? that is your advice ??? honestly, you have no idea how much I want to fucking hate you right now …

  • david owens

    hi their its` very deprested with nothing to do dureing the day time as liverpool is not avery good council at all and does c`ater at all for people who have asberges syn drome as people and their are 95 oooo people in the uk with out any support at all just l left at home to do all day and does not helpyou at all and not good if you do nt meet the critria for servces and under the white paper evauling peoople 21st century at all as they have cut all the day care servces down and its niot good with nothing to do all day at all and when you have hjad acommnity care asement off your jneeds dione you dont qualify fior acommnitry care assement off your needs at all as well iot does causze you to have deprestion and very un well from dave 5 walton breck road walton l40rb

  • Ann

    I connect most strongly with what Chelle said, and borrowed some of her words.
    I have felt depressed for as long as I can remember – it’s the norm. I’m functional for the most part, its more routine than anything. I have a good job, and have had promotions over the years, I make a good living (double the median income for my city) and have my own house but beyond that my life is empty. I accomplish those things primarily because otherwise I would live on the street – never married, no kids, nowhere else to land but what I provide for myself. That’s all that gets me out of bed and out the door in the morning. On weekends sometimes I can’t even get myself to leave the house.
    I’m very good at what I do but I have hit a glass ceiling because I sabotage myself. People tell me how good I am but I always feel like they are saying that just so I will continue to take care of things for them and go beyond. I’m a workhorse. I’m overweight, and I’m starving all the time, and I totally “get” that it’s not food I’m hungry for, but hormonally I can’t resist. Now my weight has become part of my shield to keep me invisible and “safe” from scary attention. I haven’t dated in over 20 years. I’m sometimes terribly lonely, but I don’t do anything about it and most of the time I tell myself I don’t want others around because I need “down time” but I’ve had 30 years of down time. When I do go out with others, I feel so uncomfortable and like a 3rd wheel. I have no stories to tell about good things going on in my life. People say nice things about me, but I can’t internalize any of that, I shrug it off. Most of the time I just don’t show up to things I’m invited to because I can’t get myself to go or I get so sad or teary about going or how awful I look and that I have nothing to contribute.
    I have no goals and no drive to change things, and I am scared that things will never get better. I keep saying that I can’t live like this anymore, but I’m more afraid of the truth, which is that I could very well go on and on like this for the rest of my life. I frequently think of the expression “keep on doing what you always do and you’ll keep on getting what you always get” but I don’t know how to break the cycle. Even writing this, there were a couple of times I got teary-eyed but mostly I feel nothing.

  • Maya

    It’s like being really numb. I’ve been in and out of self diagnosed depression for about 5 years now, with some stable years in the middle, which now when I think about weren’t necessarily “stable” but just better tHan a depressive state which is making me wonder if maybe it’s manic depression.

    But then.. ive been on a downward spiral since about 10months. I was holding on by a last thread, but when I lost that relationship, it became a lot harder to hold on and I hit sudden crash. It feels like nothing is right. Nothing can become right because there are no options left. I feel numb to everything. I wake up too early but can’t leave bed because. .. what then? Everything hurts. All the time. There is either too mcuh fear in life or no fear at all, neither of which feels okay but then nothing has felt okay. It’s only felt less and less okay with time.
    I don’t feel as hopeless this time because I was saved last time, by love. And I rembr that. And I hope I never forget. That this is just temporary. And we must wait it out.

  • Radhi

    Hi,
    I am in love with a guy who is my collage friend. He is very nice,caring and loving person. I recently told my parenta about my love. They told me that he is a very nice guy but they will not agree for our wedding as he belongs to a different caste.my father also told me that I will have to choose between my parents or my love as he cannot face the society if I marry a person from a different caste person. I am in love from past four years and cannot leave him and also cannot leave my parents as I like them very much and also they are old. I cannot even imagine a different person as my husband. I feel do depressed and lost interst in life. Started crying for all small things. Please help me.

    • Missy

      Hey, I am really sorry to hear about your problems, sometimes it seems like life throws impossible choices at us. I am only 14 and can’t completely relate, as I won’t pretend to. But I want to encourage you as best as I can. Have you told this guy how you feel? because there is nothing worse then feeling alone in a situation. I want you to know that I will be praying for you. and I truly hope that things work out, Just please know you are NEVER alone. Keep holding on <3

    • Kimberly

      I am sorry you are going through this….but I really don’t think your parents should do this to you… Looks like they would want you to be happy. If it were me I’d tell my parents to “cya” ….that’s just wrong!

  • PL

    I’ve had depression and anxiety since I was a teenager; I’m 45. I made bad decisions by resorting to drugs and alcohol for relief. I managed to become outwardly successful with a professional career and financial security. The fact that I was so unhappy despite all of that baffled my family and friends. I felt like I faked my way to any accomplishment. I envied every person I saw at a store or any place, because I felt that they were happier than me; I still do. In these comments, there is a theme of loss, because that’s all depression will allow me to see…loss. I feel it viscerally. Dull ache in my head, tightness in my chest, a fullness in my throat, and a dull pain in my stomach; none so bad to indicate a real ailment, but enough to make me aware that I don’t feel “right.” I used substances, even those I didn’t enjoy, because I wanted to feel anything else than depressed. Of course that just put me on an endless cycle of more grief, guilt, and shame. In 3 years, I’ve lost my job,marriage,home, and most of my financial security. Truth be told, depression clouds my thoughts at recovering some of those losses, because I feel that all that awaits me is more depression. I’m on meds and they help to an extent, but I certainly feel no joy and excitement. I’m clean and sober for 2 years and today, have no desire to go back. No matter how much I change the outside, my insides feel sad and empty much of the time. If I didn’t have 2 great kids, I would have already jumped off the nearest tall bridge
    I relate to some if not all the feelings expressed here, no matter the differences in age and circumstance. I just go on minute to minute, day to day, hoping things my mood improves. Thanks for reading and I hope for better things for you…and myself.

  • God'slove

    I feel like no one loves me. I feel like tears is d only option to communication. I just wanna be alone. I just feel life isn’t treating me right! it makes me more sad when I see people happy. I have dreams and aspirations Buh my depression is killing it little by little till I am l left with nothing.

  • Patrick

    I’m 33 and my first real serious girlfriend left me in february after we moved in together a couple of months before. I never imagined this would happen, we were not fighting… I had my vices that I should have stopped but I thought she would complain upfront if it was becoming a problem.

    I’ve also been dealing with chronic pain for a long while that seemed to go away when I take anti-depressants, but I never saw myself as dealing with depression per say. But now since the breakup, I don’t function anymore. My mind is blank, I lost all hope. I don’t know what to do with myself, I don’t smile, I can’t sleep, I don’t really want to eat most times. Lost 35 pounds since february. I think about suicide everyday I feel it’s the only solution because I don’t see at all how I’ll ever be able to be somewhat me again, be able to work and maybe possibly meet someone again because right now I just look like a nutcase.

    I never read about depression before and I always thought it was just being sad for a little while. Boy was I wrong, it’s the worst thing I’ve ever experienced. The hopelessness, the anxiety. Yesterday I was with good friends and I just could not bare being around them, I had to leave. I feel bad no matter where I am. Days lasts forever, nights even longer because unless I take meds I can’t sleep.

    What a nightmare of a disease. I’m still unsure I’ll make it through. I’m on work leave and I feel like I’m just spending my days slowly building the willpower to off myself because the pain is just too much.

    That’s what depression feels like for me.

    • Lisa

      Hi Patrick,
      I’ve struggled with anxiety and depression for quite some time now and even though it wasn’t triggered the same, I just want you to know that I know how you feel. I have to tell you that taking time off to be sad is the worst thing for you. I know how hard it is to get out of bed in the morning when you feel like there’s no point but I promise you that if you are consistent it does get better. I am speaking from experience and I made the mistake of holing myself up in my room and it made everything worse. The relationship ending is always hard, but you will find someone else in time. Give yourself time to recover. Right now you don’t need to be thinking about who will be next, just focus on you. Get out of bed in the morning and have a nice meal and then try to go on a walk to appreciate the outdoors. You can also try exercise, for me it helped immensely. Lastly, I will say that you should never consider offing yourself when you can find so much to live for. Right now it seems like there’s nothing but sometimes in life if we don’t have a purpose or feel like we don’t have a purpose, we need to make one for ourselves. Focus on hobbies or things of that nature. I know you can do it and I wish you good luck.

  • Scarlett

    I have had depression since I was twelve, and honestly it’s like I am unimportant and meaningless to society, and my death would mean nothing. I have attempted suicide once, but I never will again- no matter how hard it gets. I just wish I could see the light at the end of the tunnel, but I’m slipping down the hole depression is more and more everyday.

  • lauren

    Well reading all these comments made me feel worse. I have been struggling with anxiety and fear for 6 months and I guess I’m also depressed. I can completely identify with feelings of hopelessness and not wanna to go on.the only thing that gives me a little hope is my relationship with Jesus christ. I pray everyday for him to free me from this and in my heart I believe he will. I always felt since I’m Christian I shouldn’t be feeling. Like there is no hope. God allows everything for a reason and hope soon I will find that reason. God bless you all

  • Adrianna

    I’m 20 & have been denying that I’ve been in depression for months.
    Happiness does not exist. There is no hope. I don’t eat enough. Very few things get me through the days but the urge to commit grows stronger day by day.
    I have no tolerance anymore. Crying is just a normal reaction to everything now. Escaping in any form helps.
    The depression is weighing me down. I feel extremely awkward trying to give a polite smile to anyone as it takes even more effort to do that.
    I don’t know what to do anymore.

  • trish

    Im a twenty two year old female. I have always had issues with anxiety which triggers my depression. Im very spiritual and also into science. Or so I thought. This summer i started delving into learning and usually i love learning. Until may of this year i should say. I have become terrified. Completely terrified of learning and i find myself worrying so much about the world, whats going on, and how i have no control. i dont live anymore I worry. I dont feel anymore i worry. My emotions are numb, my extremities are numb, i have an extreme battle going on in my head, ever since i looked into religion. I wasnt raised with it and have always just followed a good code of morals On my own, nobodys perfect but generally, im a good person. It wasnt until i thought it was time to start learning about spiritualy that i started to doubt myself. Now i cant stop thinking about all this crazy shi* about afterlife, doomsday, what we are doing to the planet, prophecies,death, despair, god, jesus, right, wrong, heaven, hell, universe. It sucks. I have so much anxiety that i dont even feel human anymore. I dont even feel like i exist. i have no interest in whats going on right in front of me Anymore. Im constantly worried. I dont feel suicidal, just horrible. I dont enjoy tv, learning, taking walks, cooking, reading, sex, conversations, shopping, cleaning, my art, my friends, im distant from everyone, all things i know i love. It seems like love has left the building. Stretching in the morning doesnt feel good. I cant sleep well, my brain feels weird, fuzzy and distant. Ive lost most faith. And i find myself missing enjoyment, in the slightest. is it time to seek help? Im aftaid medication will have negative affects. I feel alone. i want my life back.

  • Ron

    is remarkable that reading all these comments and knowing that I’m not alone still doesn’t make me feel better. Actually I am alone. Never been married. Relationships seem so irrational an impossible. People do all these horrible things to one another and yet they go on so arrogantly. All you here out of people to day is that its never their fault. I don’t care so much I agree even if I don’t believe them. Now I’m a liar because I’ll lie to get people to leave me alone. I’m so sad I have this beautiful friend on four legs and he’s getting old. I pet him and act joyous though I don’t feel it anymore but I’m thankful that is what he believes. I love my friend. I pretend to be happy around people not just because I don’t want them to think there is something wrong with me but because I really don’t want to afflict them with me. I attend my hobby’s discipline but I don’t feel joy doing them anymore I might gettuh kick from adrenaline but the best thing about them is they divert my attention and the greatest thing is how some people are so happy just to watch me fly my planes and helicopters. My boss is a narcissist with a histrionic complex and OCD. Sometimes we think he takes aderall for an edge. I don’t know why he hangs on to me I would have fired me a long time ago. Of course it would probably be the best thing or quit but I have no skills. And why would I want to work for another guy it may be another rotten banana but they all taste the same. I often wonder why it seems I’m the only one that notices that in america the currency is not the dollar but other peoples self esteem. That’s why our country is so full of bullies and braggarts. I’m not jealous at one time I may have wanted that kind of stuff but that was before I noticed what a trap it is. And just why is it people have bought into this idea of the American Dream. Its nothing but a turd painted gold and dangled in front of people. Then all they have to do is convince you aren’t a whole person unless you have one. And people are buying all these lies. It is sad the american dream isn’t being at least content and having the empathy to hope the same for everyone. And the bigotry! Hate may be slowly being bled out of race but its moved on to junk like iphones or what car you drive or music you listen to. Everyone has lost the ability to think like the following; “That guy is listening to music and singing to it. I HATE that music. But he is enjoying it and for that I’m happy.”. Oh could I go on and I even wonder after having given up on praying because little by little you ask God can’t you just tell me you love me? And he doesn’t. Then you tell others about how you feel and they give you all this bs about how you must have done something wrong. Or you don’t want to hear the words. Or you’ve asked for something you don’t deserve where why who cares I think anyone could tolerate anything if they just heard God saying I love you. And then it gets worse because your not jealous, but you wonder how this jerk is giving you pious answers is God seriously telling him that he loves him but not me. And they get so mad because it doesn’t work you something is wrong. HAH no. I just was waiting for an answer from a God that I believe can stand on his own to feet and not have his words conveyed to me by bigot. J don’t know why but this helped a little.

  • Trisha

    I feel so depressed right now after high school, I just wish there was somebody saving me from this prison state I am having in the school I am studying now.

  • Micah

    I just graduated from high school and am extremely depressed. I’ve felt this way for about 3 or 4 years. High school sucks in general but depression makes it even worse.
    In the eighth grade I was the happiest kid. I was dating the hottest girl in my school, star basketball player and a likable kid. My freshman year I got benched in basketball and became minutely depressed. I still interacted with my friends and was “normal”.. I moved after my freshman year to a small school and became even more depressed. About a year after I moved my brother died of a drug overdose. This was the event that sent me into a clinical depression. The thing about depression is people try to understand why you act the way you do. It’s a frustrating process for me. It’s like I’ve been robbed of the awesome and likable person I was. The school I graduated from, nobody liked me. I had no close friends and I was miserable. Even my old friends I could trust with my life don’t feel close anymore. When I’m with my friends, I mostly wander in my mind which messes up my social skills. People who only know the depressed version of me believe I’m an awkward or cocky person. I rarely feel like talking or interacting with people. Friends come over and I feel like not talking but I start to talk because I feel uncomfortable and it makes things awkward. Nobody ever reaches out to me to hang out like they used to. No matter what made me depressed, I don’t care. Nobody should have to feel this way.

  • Chelle

    I feel bad commenting on here, but most people don’t understand. I hope I don’t discourage all these younger people on here from trying for help.

    I’m 50 years old this year, and have felt depressed for as long as I can remember. I’ve taken med after med, and they all stop working. I’m functional for the most part, but I don’t know how. I wish I could just get so bad that I can’t get out of bed, but my responsibilities force me out the door in the morning.

    I feel like a fake at work; people tell me I’m good at it, but I always feel stupid, and am waiting to get outed as such. I’m overweight, and I’m starving all the time, and I totally “get” that it’s not food I’m hungry for, but that’s what’s there. I’m so terribly lonely, but I don’t do anything about it. When I do go out with people, I feel so uncomfortable inside myself that I’m sure I turn people off. People say nice things about me, but I can’t internalize any of that.

    I live with a partner that I don’t love anymore, but I can’t leave him because he’s all I have. He’s the only “family” I have. I can’t find anyone else because I’m still here, and I don’t deserve better anyway. I can’t watch many TV shows and movies because I can’t stand to see them feeling passion, and I know that I never will.

    I feel completely hopeless and that I can’t be “fixed”. I feel that things will never get better. I feel like I’m going crazy. I keep saying that I can’t live like this anymore, but I’m more afraid of the truth, which is that I could very well go on and on like this for the rest of my life.

    • Alysh

      So I read your comment and it sounds like you might want to be tested for thyroid disorder. If you are depressed and overweight, something may be wrong with your thyroid. Get your doctor to send you to an endocrinologist and have the thyroid tested. Sometimes madness begins in the neck. I have been depressed and less depressed and guess what? It has everything to do with my thyroid disease.

    • Phil

      I appreciated reading what you had to say, Chelle. I, too, am 50 years old and I’ve taken pretty much all of the antidepressants at one time or another, and like you, they all stopped working eventually. I sometimes worry that taking all of those medications over the years may have done more harm than good.

      I’ve started seeing a new psychologist, and I’m going to start seeing a new psychiatrist soon, and maybe those will help. I’m not confident, but at this point I’m willing to give it a try.

      I quite unexpectedly had a mild stroke last year. The doctors never could find a good explanation for it. The lingering physical effects are mild, but the psycho-emotional effects are still strong. The year since the stroke has been a gradual spiral down into probably the worst extended depression I’ve had (and I’ve had some bad ones). I’ve also been having increasingly heavy anxiety.

      I don’t have a partner… I’ve been single for about 13 years now, and I worry about growing old alone. I’m 50 and single and depressed and I’ve had a stroke…not exactly a prize catch! I know that feeling about not wanting to watch TV or movies and seeing couples who have passion and love, because I’m afraid it’s something I’ll never have again.

      So what does depression feel like? It feels lonely, and it feels hopeless. It makes it impossible for me to see anything good about myself or accept anything good that anyone says about me. It feels like every decision I make is the wrong one. It feels like every decision I’ve already made has been the wrong one and that I’ve ruined my life. It makes me feel trapped in my current (unhappy and unsatisfying) circumstances. There’s almost nothing in life that brings me any joy. Every day feels like a chore. And most of the time depression makes me feel like I just want to retreat to my bed, crawl under the covers, and be unconscious.

  • Ellen

    I am older than most here, 59. Dread my 60th, as I feel I have gotten nowhere and done nothing with my life, despite considerable effort and therapy on and off since I was a teenager. Never married, no kids, unemployed. Don’t want to live the rest of my life like this but hopeless it will get better. In the past, I’ve staved off this feeling by having “a plan” — different job, different city, back to school, etc. Today I feel like I’ve tried it all and have no plan.

    If you say you are suicidal, you can get immediate help, often for free. But if you say you feel absolutely terrible about yourself and have no hope for the future, you’re told “Sorry, I’m not taking new clients” or “That will be $180 an hour.” The only comfort is that on some level, I know it’s a disease, and as such, is treatable.

  • J

    Ive been depressed for months now on and off for years… i don’t want to go into my symptoms or how i feel, i just wanted to tell you guys and gals that may be reading this not to give up hope , keep fighting to the next day… i know that doesn’t seem possible ive told myself a thousand times ” how much longer until the fight is kicked out of me” but im in this game called life and im going to finish it, ive thought about suicide alot… and in the end i tell it too F**k off i wont go that way i will finish the game . dont give up , find something to live for , help those get past what you are going through. ill carry this cross i bear on my back and ill help anyone along the way who feels the same way . dont give up dont let depression win and take your life. finish the game , for you , for your family , for your children, and for your future self. you were made to be happy and you deserve happiness.

  • Natasha

    I am only a teenager (15), so most people don’t take me seriously. I started hysterically crying after reading the first symptom, and it was for no apparent reason. I’m always on the verge of tears and my tongue’s always bleeding from biting it to keep the tears from slipping out. I cry myself to sleep every night just to get everything out, but it feels like I’m a glass case filled with nothing but tears, because after I cry at night, I just feel completely empty. I have homicidal and suicidal idealization a lot out of nowhere, but once again, no one takes me seriously. They all think it’s adolescent anger. My mom and psychiatrist blame my severe ADD and ADHD for depression and anxiety and anger because “I don’t know how to process my feelings”. But that’s not it. Because of the ADHD I can’t get the words out to tell them my feelings, so that’s why they don’t get it. I’m physically unable to tell stories or recall memories out loud, and most of the time in my head, so how am I supposed to tell people how I truly feel? That’s the thing. I can’t. I feel like I shall forever live unheard and unnoticed.

    • Kate

      I know that feeling and I’m surprise that someone at my age also experience this feelings. I never told my parents about this though. Me crying every night to sleep. But I want you yo know that we need to be strong. Yes you may think I’m just someone who gives advices to help others but in reality we really are the people that needed help. There will always be someone out there for us. So I want to tell you you have been heard :’)

  • Jennifer

    I’m 18 and today I am supposed to graduate, but I don’t want to do anything. I just want to lay in bed and disappear. I once looked forward to escaping school, but now I just want to escape life. I often feel alone because no one understands why I can’t just snap out of it, or no one suspects I’m depressed. I don’t see what I can do to make myself happy again and I don’t see a future without depression. I’m scared that one day I will really kill myself.

    • CS

      Jennifer–you are so young, and you have so much time and opportunity ahead of you. Please, PLEASE seek out some help. Just do it. Don’t think twice, just try it. Call a local helpline, look up a therapist and make an appointment. Just try. If it doesn’t work, then that’s one thing, but at least try. You can’t see it now, but there is so much out there, outside of where you are, and you can work and find a way towards it. If I could talk to the 18-year-old me from long ago, I would tell her the same.
      Take care of yourself. Someone cares.

    • ines

      Hi I’m Ines and i’m only 12 yrs old but since yr 5 i have been feeling exactly like you have described . I don’t know if you get help but just being able relate to something that sort of describes how your feeling helps. I don’t want to get up in the morning i don’t want to even have to deal with this world anymore but i know that somebody out there wouldn’t want me to die so i keep going somehow – Ines

  • lola

    I feel like I am guilty for everything, and like I don’t deserve anything because all this was my fault to begin with. I’m never happy. I’m always trying to put myself in situations that I think will make me feel happy. Even when I do, I become disinterested. I used to love learning but now I could really care less. I feel so lonely. No one to talk to, no one I want to talk to. I feel like my life’s going nowhere, I don’t have any hobbies or interests. I’m not ‘great’ at anything. It feels as if the weight of the world is on me. So much pressure on everything I must do right. I feel as if life is passing me by and sometimes I feel like I want to rewind time and go back to better happier days. When I see others happy and enjoying things in life it makes me feel sad sometimes. I become distant and uninterested in things that I may have once enjoyed. I don’t want to be around others very much. I have no energy to do the thing I once loved and go after the things I want in life. I am not good enough to get them anyway. I just want to be left alone. I can’t talk about my feelings, even when I want to. I feel completely uninteresting and boring most of the time, which probably contributes to why I have a strong urge to avoid being around people or avoid talking to them. Everything seems unfair and it feels like everyone I know doesn’t care about me at all. The negativity is endless and automatic. It’s like the default in my mind, I can’t control it. When I’m having all of these intense emotions it’s like the world is closing in on me – all of my problems, everything wrong with me and my life, is suffocating me. It’s so overwhelming and tiring. It makes everything seem so unmanageable and completely makes me feel like I have no motivation. Because it’s too hard. I can stare at a list of things I need to do and end up doing nothing. How can I be so lazy? How can I be so pathetic and useless? It is confusing and angering how I can do nothing all day long and can’t seem to will myself into doing what I should be doing. I’ve never really felt suicidal, not directly anyway. I do things that I know I shouldn’t that are destructive. Or I do things to temporarily distract me from how I feel. Because I don’t care, or because I’m desperate to not feel like complete shit for a little while. I subconsciously sabotage relationships. Maybe to justify how shitty I feel about myself and my life. I don’t know. It’s like in a sick twisted way, I’m trying to make my world around me suck just as bad as the world inside me does.

    • Barry

      Hey bud, I completely feel the same way, I loved life a few years ago and wish I could go back. Now I hardly leave my room, If you need some one to talk too, feel free to email me.

  • Chacho

    -You feel as though everyone is playing your least favorite song. There is no hope your favorite song will ever play, and you don’t want to listen to the radio anymore for extreme fear that your least favorite song will play. Whenever you hear a song you tolerate, it slowly melts into your least favorite song. Every single time. Everyone is trying to play your favorite song for you so you cheer up, but you’ve decided to give up listening to music ever again.

  • Kay

    I am so depressed right now…. I’m so mad that I have anxiety and depression. It didn’t used to be this bad. I was once almost anxiety free… I remember those days. I would get anxiety about normal things, but I could handle it.. Like talking to people or doing presentations… I loved getting attention and was so confident. Now years later I gained almost 80 pounds… I am a wreck and I have no confidence what so ever. i can’t even get a job because as soon as I get an interview, I dont show up because I have so much anxiety and over think things. I do go to college, but I only like classes where I know I wont be pushed out of mt comfort zone. I tried taking a CNA program & I hd so much anxiety I had to stop taking it & i’m thinking about switching careers now because I dont like to be around people.. It causes anxiety. I have no friends. I used ti have many friends and had fun and was myself… Now whenever i’m with someone I have no idea what to say & I freeze and can’t be myself. When I talk to peoole I picutre myself as them and if they were looking at ne and listening to me and thinking I sound stupid then I forget what imm sayinf. Im slowly starting to lose myself. I have several job interviews, but I don’t think I can push myself to go to them then I feelike complete shit after I don’t reply back for a date to meet. People around me dont understand. I would love to go out and have a fun night or go to peoples houses, but I literally do not have the energy to do anything.. I’m tired all of the time. I feel like i’m not myself and why am I even living? I would never hurt myself, but mt feelings do get bad &. i have no idea what to do. I dont want to die, but these feelings are so much to handle. I hate this so much. I have been on two different medications and they so not help as much as they should. I smoke to keep my mind from wandering.. Which is something I never used to do. The thing that sucks is by me writing this it’s not gonna change things. It just helps in the moment & then i’ll probably go to sleep and convinxe myself to overcome my anxiety & then when I get pushed out of my comfort zone this will happen again. I feel like no one thinks like I do. I know i’m not the only one because I have read the other posts. I’m sorry this is a mess right now lol.

    • Margaret

      Hey Kay – You have written the words as to how I think and feel. The only difference is that I’m stuck in a dead end job and I am so burned out – but cannot find a different job, plus I am scared to start over again with work. Did you ever receive a response about how to handle things? Hang in there. I know all days can’t be wonderful – I just wish there were a few days here and there that are – for you and me.

    • Annie

      I feel the same as you do. Sort of…removed. Like, my body is here, but my mind wanders…worries. I don’t feel happy. I feel very alone. I’m sorry you have to know this feeling….I’d wish it upon no one.

    • Carol Smith

      I can understand exactly because I feel the same way too. I hope we can both heal and find joy in life once again.

  • ollice

    My whole life I worked hard and give it my all. I feel like all I worked so hard for has been taking from me. I’m at the bottom of the hill with no desire to go up to the top where everyone else is, I see them looking down and seeing me, and it hurts that no one what’s to come help me up. I feel like I’m just a problem to everyone I go around, like theirs no value in my well being. I could seat in one spot for weeks and not get one call to see how I em, no one well come check on me, I’m no one’s priority. When people do come around, it’s only to use or ask something of me. When I’m asked “how u doing” or “how’s it going” it gets so hard to speak I can’t say nothing for some seconds or mins, then when I finally could,I have a plain face and say “good” but really in side me, I just want to break down, cry my heart out, not because a complete stranger has asked but because someone close doesn’t care to ask me. I’m finding myself being sad and just wanting to sleep it all away more and more as the days go by. I’m missing the love.

  • Steve

    I have had depression for well over 5 years now and it’s all work related, I no longer have the drive when I wake up, can’t eat properly, always tired, so I know what most of you are going through.
    the feelings are just chronic, negative thoughts, feeling helpless to the rest of the world that I call “happy people”, I sit on my own most of the time thinking too much of negative things, nothing feels bright anymore, it’s like I’m on a desert island overlooking the rest of the world being happy, people’s conversations don’t interest me in the slightest and I can see it shows on people’s faces when the look at me, I’m looking into counselling to see if that helps because the meds are not working, keep going people because the light at the end of the tunnel will maybe be visible one day.

    • ann

      I have suffered with depression since I was 12. It got worse from other tramas in my life, starting with the murder of my mother at,.multiple suicides,divorce,moving and abuse. I have been on different antidepressants over the years that have helped me to have good days for long periods of time but the sadness seems to still linger as I get older. I have been helped though by medication and talk therapy.

  • Stephen

    I just want to say that i have seen doctors and im getting no where. This thing in my head just doesnt stop theres is nothing i can do about it. Now what i wanna ask is. This thing in my head is the worst feeling on this entire planet. I cant explain what it feels like but when it gets really crazy it is so hard to deal with and i just wanna jump out of my own body. Is this part of depression. I really need this to stop. Everyday is so hard. I wake up everyday with it feeling like utter crap. It doesnt stop and i cant even escape it for 1 secomd. Its excessively hard to get out of bed. I just dont want to do anything and when i do try and do something it aggrivates the feeling in my head. There has to be something to help me rite. I cant enjoy anything at all. For the last 4 years or so everyday has been a battle for me. And i also feel that the doctors dont understand what im saying and it really fustrates me cause i really need help. Even when i have an appointment to get help. I would rather just sleep and stay in bed. I have tryed to work and try and help my situation but whatever i have done nothing has helped and working was such a mission . So that thing in my head could it be cronic cronic depression. That thing in my head gets so crazy that alls i did was cry for half hour straight begging for it to go away.i use to also bash my head against the wall. Getting to sleep was so hard. Whats even worse is that i cant fully explain the very crazy bad unwanting feeling in my head. It is hard to do anything. Can someone please help. What i do know is that ounce this unwanted feeling is gone i will be perfect. Alls i ask is for my life back.

  • Hannah

    Depression?
    Depression is when you rather sleep through a week than go to work because it’s difficult trying to make small talk with work mates.
    It’s when you wear the same bland clothing because your scared/nervous that the outfit you wanted to wear “isn’t right” (whatever right is).
    When the thoughts inside your head become so over powering that you make no physical actions.
    When you watch the thing you worried about place and worry more even though you didn’t/couldn’t do anything to stop it.
    Depression is like being trapped in a soundproof transparent box in the middle of a crowded city. People can see you, you can see them but it’s very difficult to communicate.

  • Julia

    I’ve been feeling like this on and off. Reading the comments alone make me cry, like it hits so close to home it brings me to tears. I wish I could lay here and my mind could numb out, just slowly fade to nothing so I won’t feel anymore . I feel lonelier by the day like I can’t express the pain the hurt and there’s bound to listen . Sometimes I feel I’m one of those people who weren’t ment to be on earth this long. I should have left it a long time ago and the longer I stay the more pain I feel. I’m one of those people who should have died out through natural selection and because I didn’t I don’t fit it and I hurt inside alone. I just want it to stop. I want to find a place where I can feel numb or feel nothing.

  • Jan

    I never considered myself as Depressed until recently a few years after reaching menopause.It seems the very life has now slowly drained out of me and I am a somewhat whiter shade of pale.Depression is what my husband suffered from..not me.Now he’s been having suicidal thoughts,but I was always coaching him and being his shinning tower of strength,but now things are different,vastly different and I’m having trouble coping on some days.I feel the bottom of my safety raft is falling out and there’s no net to catch me when I fall.No more straws to grasp onto as I find no leverage to get myself out of this darkness.My life has taken a turn fo r the worse as we are struggling financially since he lost his job a couple of years ago.Some days we go hungry and cannot afford to buy food or other basic things.He tries to supplement his meager income by singing outside a local health food store,he used to make good money at it till recently and some days he sings for hours to only make a few bucks.I try and make ends meet by selling my possessions on E-Bay and today two sales which I depended on to buy some necessities fell thru.Some guy placed a hold on my paypal account because the postal clerk put the wrong tracking number into the system.He wouldn’t give back the $11.00 for the item I sold to him and which I spent time and money to ship.I put alot of time and attention into the package, lovingly wrapping it securely and making sure everything was alright.It’s funny how the small things tend to break you whenever you’re already feeling down.I have no income other than e-bay and cannot get disability since they denied my claim back in the 90’s.We are one small step away from being homeless and I suffer from health problems and have multiple chemical sensitivities.I have no real friends outside of the Internet since I don’t get out much to meet anyone.I reached out to a former neighbor who turned out to be a deceitful nightmare who made my life a living hell with all of her noise and personal insults..Thank God she has moved out,but now I’ve lost hope in all humanity because of what happened with her and will never again trust anyone else like that..Today was especially bad as I felt so low,I couldn’t eat or barely drink any fluids.The worst part about all of this is my faith in God has been shattered.The faith that had once sustained me in hard times,is not working anymore and it seems God has either died or has forsaken me.What have I done to deserve this?I have to ask myself.

  • Lex

    I am 17 years old and I am self diagnosing myself with depression. I know my reasons may not be “good enough” for some people, but I ache. Recently, I had my heart broken. This boy was unlike any other, we just clicked, and we were so perfect together. He’s going away to college in August and he decided he would end the relationship now before he ruined it later on. I was falling in love with him, everything was so bright and happy, now even the stars seem to lose their glow. Today it was 90+ degrees outsiders sunny, yet it couldn’t have seemed darker. This has been one of the hardest situations I have been in. I have been depressed once before when my closest cousin died, and the feeling remains. I feel as though my heart has been broken into a million plus pieces and I can’t recover them. My trust, which used to be a sturdy wall, has been broken and is nothing more than a pile of rocks. I feel empty inside. I feel lost and I can’t seem to find anyone to talk to about this, because I can’t seem to find the words for how I feel. I just wish there was an easy way out of feeling like this.

    • chris

      Hi sweetheart what you need is a big hug and lots of care. Do your parents show you compassion and kindness? I hope you realise that this feeling will go away and life is not all about love and boy’s. You need to live for you really think about what you love doing singing music join a music group. Go to music and dance festivals learn to dance well.
      I have found music is a great source of release from depression and feeling low. Once you get with a group of people that like the same things as you, it makes you feel assured that life Is worth living and you can feel happy again. It does not just take a boyfriend to make you feel like that. My daughter has twitter and is in a fandom for demi lovato and cimorelli and she has met some wonderful girlfriends through this.There arenice people out there and you are so young your feelings will get hurt in life, you have just got to realise that some people are not as intelligent as you and can be quite thick. This boy sounds like he is very immature and not brought up in the correct manner to treat a girl right. Hold your head up high, pamper yourself get a new outfit and tell someone, who is good at putting their arm round you how you feel and I promise you you will feel better lots of love and hugs to you xxx

      • Amanda

        I don’t feel as though I wasn’t too die, I just harm myself in other ways. I know I love my man and my kids. Their not his and I wish they were. I had a lot of messed up things that happened to me almost all of my life. I have a fake smile and try to keep my spirit up. It’s hard, I listen to all music and nothing seams to help. I’m not asking for help just getting it off my chest. I’ve been beaten when I was a kid, my real dad rapped me, and beaten by an ex of seven years. He put me in jail and gotten me for domestic violence. I feel as though no matter how much I try I’m still not doing anything right. I spent a hundred bucks on my clothes and I get plenty of love from my man. I can’t remember what I just did five seconds ago. This is hurting me a lot. I don’t want this life for my kids and I really don’t want my kids to see me like this. I do for everyone to keep them happy and it makes me happy to do it. Yet, at the end of it all I still ask myself so many questions. I’m still young just wish things in life wasn’t this bad. Depression isn’t a good thing and you always have to remember, life is what you make it, what ever happened you can’t take it away and it wasn’t your fault, their are people that have it worse than others. I never met my brother and he just turned seven and I haven’t seen my sister since she was seven and she is eighteen now. I’ve talked to people about my problems and didn’t help. What did is remembering the best times I’ve had, I’m better than the people that done me wrong, I will be better than them, I turned my life around. I don’t let no one run my life but me and my two kids. I will make sure my kids have a better life than me. Life is to short to be depressed, live it to the fullest. Life is what you make it so make the best of it. Hold your head up. Everything will be alright.

  • Charisse

    I would agree with a lot of the descriptions above. I have had several years to try and figure out what depression feels like, and most of the time I can think of the way if feels in my head, but if someone asked me I wouldn’t be able to properly articulate the exact feeling. There isn’t really any sort of emotion(s) that can describe it. It is (for me at least) kind of numb, but at the same time it feels heavy, and pointless. It feels like what you’re doing is wrong, and you aren’t really how to change it or what is the right way, but you know this isn’t it. It’s very frustrating. Something to remember with depression is that the feelings/symptoms/effects of depression vary with different people. No two people affected by it will have the same symptoms or description of it, so if some of the things match up but not all of them, don’t worry. That doesn’t automatically disregard everything you’re feeling. What you feel (or don’t feel) is still just as valid. It’s just that it’s in a different way.

  • jay

    As is such, a lot of what I’m reading here sound sadly too familiar. It’s hard for me to build on what has been said, but it’s just sad because I remember when I did NOT feel this way. I remember life being different. I remember being able to do something about the bad times in life. Now I can’t. I have no motivation. What motivation I do get is robbed by anexiety. Living life is becoming a chore. I hate to say things like this, I don’t want to be or seem suicidal, but dying just seems so much easier than living. My brother was killed 15 years ago and I saw the kind of effect that had on my family. I would like to imagine my death would have a similar effect, but I can’t escape the feeling of being a burden and they just have to understand how much easier it will be for me. I’m suffering. I use to have all kinds of interest. Political interest, social interest, even nerdy gamer interest. Haven’t blogged in months. Haven’t done any work with the Party in months. Haven’t touched my Playstation in weeks. And it ain’t because I don’t want to play, I just don’t have the focus to. However, even if I do play or watch tv or a movie or do something that I once enjoyed or might enjoy, it isn’t out of enjoyment. It’s to keep my mind busy from thinking about how much I hate myself, which I do CONSTANTLY. At any given point of the day, I’m rather thinking or verbally telling myself “You’re stupid”, “You’re worthless”, “You’re a failure”, “you’ve wasted your life”, “you suck at living”, “you can’t do anything right” over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over again and again and again and again and again. It dominates my day. When it started, the best way to describe how I felt was like a baseball pitcher where everything I threw would get smacked over the fence and the manager not only won’t take me out the game he tells me I need to pitch better. That is not a situation that inspires confidence. Now, I feel like living life, everyday, is a prison. I feel stuck. Limited. Trapped in despair and hopelessness. Instead of metal bars, my cage is my failures in life. I feel like I’m in prison. And you know what everyone that is in a prison wants?

    Escape.

    • Rebecca

      I often feel that I can’t do anything right no matter how hard I try. I’m often criticized at work for minor infractions. I feel that I outlived my welcome on this earth. I have no suicidal intentions. I just want to die from natural causes while I’m still “young” enough to look presentable in my casket. Is that bad? I have been online a lot to select a beautiful emerald green gown to be buried in. Green is my favorite color.

  • JustAnotherGuy

    It feels as if the weight of the world is on me. So much pressure on everything I must do right. I’ve been depressed since I was 12 an am now 16. I’ve the scars that show what I’ve been through. 1/2 self inflicted. I don’t currently see a future. Everyday it gets worse and worse. Drugs, achohol, smoking and self-harm lessens the pain. I think my friends hate me. If I could just go without hurting someone I would. Atleast the cold, darkness gives me hope when I try wiping away invisible tears. And sadly I can not cry no more because I cried all my tears away.

  • Reem

    I relate to this. I don’t have any problem sleeping or eating, if anything I do that more now. I feel like my life’s going nowhere, I don’t have any hobbies or interests. I’m not ‘great’ at anything. I’m a good student, straight A’s, respectful to teachers etc,but I have nothing else but that. Next year is my last at school and I’m hoping I won’t have to go through ‘my future’ because it’s not looking too bright. As I mentioned, I don’t have anything to offer. Sure, I can understand maths and biology but I know that is not a scale. The world needs fighters, it needs talented people with visions and I don’t have a vision nor a talent. I’ve always wanted to DO something, but I can’t. I’m so scared I’ll end up with a dead-end job. I pray I die before that’s happened. Everyday feels like a day closer to my dreadful future. I want this to end now so that I don’t have to go through this. I was sad yesterday, I’m sad today and I’ll be sad tomorrow. I wish it would end already.

    • Alex

      I feel this exact same way man. Nothing I do can cheer me up. Maybe for like 5 minutes or so then I remember how lost and disgusted with myself I feel and the sky just sinks a little lower.

  • mt

    I’m depressed right now chest is so tight can’t breathe right, life is going down hill for me i think everyone hates me no matter what i do for them it’s never enough and i can’t get nothing in return when i so desperately need the help my mind races one thought after another i can feel the inside of me changing just pain and nothing but pain

  • Gerry Cummings

    I have asked my useless doctor to help me. Send me to talk to someone…she just won’t. She’d been prescribing me pills and I just get physically ill. I’m going to kill somebody, and they can’t say I never asked for help.

    • Anu

      Hi I felt the same with my doctor. He is a great script writer 🙂
      I wanted him to give me thyroid test etc for T3 T4 T4R but he just ignored me and gave me the standard one. I am thinking of changing doctor.

  • Mixamix

    The only thing that keeps me going is nighttime and sleep. I live the dark. I hate the sun. I love the cold weather that keeps me away from everyone and in my house drowning in clothes and just thinking when all this will be over. I hate living and I just cannot function at all.

  • Josee

    1) There are always tears behind my eyes that can easily be set off. In fact, just thinking about my own sadness makes me cry.
    2) I have a terrible gut wrenching feeling that won’t go away. An impending sense of doom. It reaches up to my heart and causes it to palpitate.
    3) I have no energy to do the thing I once loved and go after the things I want in life. I am not good enough to get them anyway.
    4) I need to take all these feelings away. I want to smoke, drink, do drugs, anything. Please take these feelings away.

  • Lena

    Hi im angelina and I have been diagnosed with depression at @18 but im sure I had it since I was 12 since I cant remember my past before the age of 12 in 20years old now and I feel lifeless almost well no always I feel like I have no one to talk to

  • Quaneesha

    I am 18 years old and have recently had a 7 month old son. I got engaged to his father shortly after his birth. Depression is the absolute worst feeling that anyone can have. Im starting to feel like im not even in love with the person I’m engaged to anymore. Everything my family does upsets me. I feel helpless and hopeless. I find myself crying almost every day without even knowing why I am crying. I have tried to be positive and change my views on the things going on in my life but it just does not ever seem to work. The dreams that I had for myself did not work out. I was a A,B student in high school, graduated a year early , was enlisted and set to leave for the navy until i had my beautiful baby boy. Since then i have just felt like i have failed my mother, and my entire family. I am currently in college but it is so hard for me to keep my motivation and finish school. I have to force myself to attend class. My son is the only thing that really keeps me going. I have had trouble finding a job and providing for my son due to some of my circumstances. I am hoping that I will be able to move on and grow into a better person. Depression is really a horrible thing to go through and I cannot wait until I am finally able to overcome this! Good luck to all.

  • S

    I feel like I’ve always had this deep pain, but as become more noticeable as I become older. Nothing I ever do is enough. I cry to the point where I can’t breathe. I have no hope or dream because I’m starting to lose faith in that, but I still dream which is just torturous. There’s always something missing a great huge void I’m trying to fill. I constantly feel like I’m screaming on the stop of my lungs and no one hears me or they just choose to ignore it. People just brush it of saying she’s just moody but there’s something seriously wrong.

  • Nona

    I sometimes have very bad depression. It makes me feeL like i dont exist. You feel as if life is passing you by and why does anything including yourself even exist here on earth. Sometimes you want to die. Sometimes you feel like you want to rewind time and go back to better happier days. At times i feel like i want the world to end.that is usually my desire. When you see others happy and enjoying things in life it makes you feel bad sometimes. You become distant and uninterested in things you may have once enjoyed. You dont want to be around others very much. Feels as if life is evil and should not exist sometimes. Gives you bad or sad thoughts. All in all it does not feel good…Now i try to listen to Reggae or good vibe music to help or go for long walks or talk to someone who will listen and understand

  • Amanda

    Physically, it hurts. I have body aches and sometimes headaches. I get sick easily and stay sick longer. I’m almost always tired. Doing anything pretty much zaps me of what little energy I do have. My brain doesn’t work as good as it used to – It’s harder for me to learn and remember things (which was especially distressing to me in school because it used to be so easy for me), the days and weeks even start kind of blending together. I’m slower at thinking and responding, I can’t focus very easily especially if lots of other things are going on around me, I can’t think of certain words when I want to say them, my mind is blank a lot of the time when I’m trying to talk to people. I even feel like I do things more slowly, like my normal speed is slower than everyone else’s. Like I’m moving through quick sand, while everyone else is just easily swimming circles around me. It’s like a handicap I didn’t have before that I’m now forced to deal with.

    It’s so frustrating and maddening because I didn’t used to be this way. I feel completely uninteresting and boring most of the time, which probably contributes to why I have a strong urge to avoid being around people or avoid talking to them. Why the hell would anyone want to talk to me when I’m like this? People don’t want to hang out with depressing downers, so therefore I might as well spare them the pain and spare myself the embarrassment. Depression is embarrassing for me. I hate myself for being this way, and I feel guilty for being a burden on those around me. At the same time, I get extremely annoyed with everyone that I know, to the point where I pretty much hate them too. Everything seems unfair and it feels like everyone I know doesn’t care about me at all. Any little criticism that they give me is amplified in my mind, I take every comment the “wrong way” and feel like people are being harsh and mean when in reality they probably aren’t. The negativity is endless and automatic. It’s like the default in my mind, I can’t control it.

    I constantly get in fights with my significant other, which typically are extremely emotionally draining. It is so hard being in a relationship when you are depressed – attempting to explain yourself and why you are the way you are to someone who doesn’t know what it feels like and doesn’t understand is really difficult. It also angers me that he doesn’t get it and isn’t good at supporting me through it. More guilt comes from the relationship, I feel like I’m slowly but surely completely ruining it because of my depression and anxiety.

    I get overly emotional about any little thing that sets me off. I cry a lot about everything. And once it starts it seems to just keep going. Crying doesn’t necessarily make me feel better (like it used to). I think it lets me fully feel the pain and agony that’s always bubbling just underneath the surface – finally spilling over during these episodes. It can even make me feel worse during the cry. Eventually after I’m done crying it doesn’t feel as bad, but I’m so drained I think I don’t have the physical energy to feel as intensely bad. It’s just more numbing afterwards. Which to me feels better than intense painful crying.

    I’m also extremely angry all the time. At myself, at everyone around me, at the world in general. When I’m having all of these intense emotions it’s like the world is closing in on me – all of my problems, everything wrong with me and my life, is suffocating me. It’s so overwhelming and tiring. It makes everything seem so unmanageable and completely makes me feel like I have no motivation. Because it’s too hard. I will know I need to to things, but because it gives me so much anxiety and it seems so hard I end up not doing them. I can stare at a list of things I need to do and end up doing nothing. And then comes more guilt and hatred towards myself, because how can I be so lazy? How can I be so pathetic and useless? It is confusing and angering how I can do nothing all day long and can’t seem to will myself into doing what I should be doing.

    I second guess everything that I think. Is it just the fact that I’m depressed that I feel a certain way, or is it a real feeling and thought coming from me? I don’t really trust my own brain anymore. It’s hard to figure out what’s me and my own personality, and what is just the depression and anxiety talking – I’ve had them for so long. Have they just become a part of who I am? Will I ever get over any of this? I desperately wish I could but it doesn’t feel like it will ever end. Life with depression feels like a bad dream that I wish I could wake up from and be able to think, geez thank GOD it was only a dream. But it’s a reality. Sleeping feels better than being awake, at least it’s not as painful.

    I’ve never really felt suicidal, not directly anyway. But I do think depression has led me to act self destructively, in a roundabout way to hurt myself. I do things that I know I shouldn’t that are destructive. Or I do things to temporarily distract me from how I feel. Because I don’t care, or because I’m desperate to not feel like complete shit for a little while. I drink often and subconsciously sabotage relationships. Maybe to justify how shitty I feel about myself and my life. I don’t know. It’s like in a sick twisted way, I’m trying to make my world around me suck just as bad as the world inside me does.

    Depression truly is horrible. I would not wish it on my worst enemy.

    • pedro

      Amanda I think I know how you feel. I am starting to think I have had depression for a long time without knowing.I thought depression was just being sad. I wish I was sad. I wish i could feel SOMETHING. I just don’t feel anything. When i try to enjoy something I just get headaches from overthinking completely unrelated things. But I think I found a way out. I’m struggling with it because it’s harder than it sounds. But i am making the decision not to care about ANYTHING. I will not make dreams for myself, or find a “purpose” or set goals. I will just do whatever comes to mind right here, right now. I don’t care if i end up working for a minimum wage, i won’t have pride in anything. I am already good at not giving a fuck what anybody thinks of me, or if they look down on me, or if they think I was a disappointment compared to what they expected. They can all drown in a cesspool for all I care. Nothing hurts my feelings anymore. I just live each moment and see where life takes me.

    • Linda

      Amanda,

      That you for taking the time out to write this. Reading this brings me to tears because these things are all of the things I am feeling written so beautifully well. Sometimes it is hard to come to realization that I am one of those people who have this, although I try hard not to be and remain untreated. Although I am publicly putting this comment out with my email, I am embarrassed to be this way, and not blending in with society as normal people do.

  • mia

    I honestly feel like I can’t do anything right. Little things especially, getting a glass of water or brushing my teeth. I can’t carry on a conversation anymore — I stumble over my words, even with close friends, which makes me hesitant to talk to anyone. When I get complimented, I immediately feel like I don’t deserve it. I can’t talk about my feelings, even when I want to. I cry when I think I’ve offended someone. I cry about things that happened months, even years ago. I cry when people irritate me. I cry when I notice that people irritating me. I’m happiest when I’m lonely, and I don’t know how to make anyone understand
    that.

  • liz

    Depression is when you don’t want to leave your bed..and feel like dying everyday. It’s when someone you love tries to help but you just don’t care.You just want to be alone. After a while people seem to think that is your true personality and begin to avoid you. It’s when you feel like you are suffocating trying to get out but no matter what you do….You just sink deeper. I feel death is the only option for me. I will sadden everyone but I will soon be forgotten, I’m insignificant.

    • Justine

      Please believe me whwn I say I know how you feel. And also know that no matter how much your brain is telling you that you will be forgotten and that you are insignificant that you are not and will not be forgotten by those who care about you.

  • Mark

    I’m currently dealing with depression. I feel almost as its a black hole and I’ve dug myself so deep that I can’t get out of the hole. It’s crazy because you never could see yourself as that depressed sad person because all my life I thought I’ve been pretty happy but always have dealt with problems but I’ve always seem to find a way to get better. I’m very impatient I guess you could say and hope things will go back to normal. Then I suddenly question is our views on normal actually normal. Everyone has struggles and issues in life we are all just too stubborn our self pride to admit it. If you want to know my experience Ive had little to know desire to do anything. I constantly sleep as an escape from reality. I’ve always been known as a popular kid and I’ve gotten over 30 to 40 texts asking me if I’m alright and I’ve yet to answer really anyone for that matter. I go to work but don’t feel like I’m doing my job and see myself getting fired soon. I’m litterally so close to graduating high school but haven’t showed up to school cause I’m worried what people are gonna say. I went to a hospital for a week because I told my mom my thoughts about life and I’m diagnosed with major depression disorder. I’m hoping that things will turn around.

  • Mark

    It started as severe anxiety with some depression, but as time has gone on i just feel like i am fading away. I don’t know where the anxiety came from but it has never left or if it does it is replaced by other bad feelings. I feel at the moment that i am fading away. I cannot work i slept 15 hours last night. I don’t know what the medication is doing as i tried cutting back and i got akathesia(couldn’t keep still). I am having more trouble concentrating on things and feel that i can not look after myself properly.

  • Mouad

    Same here! I tried to kill myself several times but somehow I couldn’t succeed, I don’t know what to do people say that meds are too dangerous for health, but I cant’ live my life like this nor I can handle another year of depression. I feel like I wasn’t supposed to live and my life has no future, what can I do? Every night when I go to bed I keep choking and my heart is being squeezed. Life please, I’m so tired I feel like I’m going to explode, all that I’ve known in my life was sadness and sorrow, I’m afraid I began to lose hope…

  • Dan

    I’ve had deppresion for as long as I can remember … About 15 years ago I was digansosed with anxiety … Medication made adolosenses a nightmare for me and my parents … I turned my back on the doctors .. After pushing through it on my own .. Landing a career as an electrician .. That’s when things went out of control deppresion made me uncontrollably cry in front of employes as well as customers … I lost my job because of deppresion .. I lost almost every positive aspect in my life because of how deppresion feels .. For every good day I have .. There’s 14 bad ones.. I’m sick of feeling empty … Without my family that doesn’t understand btw .. Deppresion would have taken my life .. For anyone who reads this .. Deppresion is lethal.. Do your research and think for yourself .. Don’t let someone make your own decisions

  • Frances

    Here are some more for the list above:
    –You don’t feel like you have any true friends who really care about you, or who really prioritize your friendship.
    –You focus on the people who have treated you the worst, who have hurt you or rejected you and let them set up a free vacation home in your brain.
    –Everything feels like too much effort.
    –All your activities and things to do feel boring and low-value.
    –You can’t make yourself do anything that you “should” do.

  • Raq

    I know all to well exactly how each and everyone on here feels. I feel vacant as if something from inside is pulling me, I’m drowning and my heart races. I feel so selfish because there is no real reason why I should feel this way but it’s inescaple. The worst feeling is feeling as though you can never escape it as if this is my natural state and i should not try to fight it. I set off on task hoping that by doing so I’ll reach my goals but in the mist of it all I sabotage myself because I feel as though I can’t make. My low sense of worth and self esteem makes me give up right before I’m about to obtain what I most desire. I feel absolutely invisible and undesirable. I made the mistake of using my ex as a way to validate my self worth and when he left I had such severe anxiety attacks and nightmares of him leaving over and over again. All my life I’ve felt as though I didnt matter and when he left he validated the fact that I didnt. No matter how many good things are happening in my life I feel shitty as though I’ll never accomplish anything. Every goal not obtained just feels like life’s feedback telling me I’m worth less then shit. I drown myself in food and alcohol and end up feeling worst. Ive realized that I just really hate myself. I hate who I am and wish to be different. I’m happy on the outside always making someone laugh but I hate myself in the inside. I procrastinate endlessly then end up hating myself things get so overwhelming that I have to give up. Depression is a beast and in many ways I’ve created my own hell. I honestly don’t know how to continue on Sometimes or what the best course of action should be. I wonder will it always be this way or can things change.

  • Hayley

    My depression is an odd one… I feel sort of enclosed in my own negativity. I’ve lost myself somehow..
    Everything is behind a sheet of glass, that I know I’ve put there myself. I try to move it or smash it down but it seems to just make it stronger…and make me more accepting of it. I catch myself sometimes looking off into nothing and I’m very aware of the forced conversation I try to have with other people..

    This is a debilitating illness and anyone who is going through this, just sit tight. I’m on the same ride with you, and I’m sure that with a knock in just the right place, that glass that surrounds us will shatter.

    Just gotta find the right spot x

  • gjones

    I have began to break out in crying spells for no reason at all. I can feel them coming on and cannot control it. It rolls over me like a wave of darkness that envelopes me wholly. I fake happiness at work and with friends while inside I am miserable. Thoughts of past failures and future mistakes constantly come to mind. At times there seems to be no future or reason for going on. Whats the point to being here if I cannot control my mind and not be miserable all the time. On the outside I look normal, inside I am a tangled mess of feelings. I try to express them, but they never come out. I go to the gym to relieve some of the feelings, that helps for a bit, but then they come roaring back. I need to see a psychologist but am so afraid of opening things up. Dunno what to do or where to turn. I know I have friends that would understand but I don’t want them to know how I feel inside.

  • madhavi

    Really…depression makes a person so badly.now iam facing it.iam unable live in this world.iam trying to hurt myself very badly.i ran in a hot room for an hour without stopping for a minute atleast.now my stomach n chest hurts so badly.i burnt my hands with cigarettes.these pains are giving me relief so that I can forget my inner pain.my legs are not working. Still I need pain.i dont know why am I behaving like this.

  • Dana

    I’m 14 and have been depressed since march 2014. It is now may 2015.
    I’ve been inspired by Dana Scully from the X files.Inspired to the point where just I don’t want to be myself anymore. it’s not jealousy; I respect Scully so much.My greatest fear is that I’ll never be like her.She’s witty,intelligent and beautiful, the exact opposite of me-I’m so ugly,stupid and inarticulate.
    I’m planning to become a forensic pathologist like her. but whenever I tell someone this they look at me as if to say ,”Dream on,kid”
    It’s become so serious I’ve been doing bad things lately.I even have an imaginary friend(Scully).
    I wake up every morning feeling like a complete loser.i procrastinate.im doing that now.i get bad,bad thoughts.
    I’ve begun hating myself.my father has stopped talking to me…I have a smaller brother – he talks to him but not to me. He tells me I’m a ‘quitter, loser and can’t complete anything in life’. Well, he told me that when he WAS talking to me , which seems ages ago, but is really just 3 weeks. I should be an ambitious teen receiving my father’s support.but I’m not.

    • Thirza

      I am 16 and have been depressed since the age of 10. My dad has also stopped talking to me so has most of my family. The only one who actually talks to me is my cousin but shes 28 and has a job and a life unlike me so i cant talk to her 24/7. Just reading what you’ve written. I completely relate to it and its nice that on here you can just find people who are going through the same things as yourself. Stay strong darling.

  • JAde

    I feel like nothing makes me happy and nothing ever will !! I feel like everyone is looking at me laughing and judging me. I don’t feel worthy at all of any happiness. I feel guilty that I lay in bed for 20 extra minutes each morning , whilst my young daughter is shouting I’m awake mommy , merry morning and I keep telling her I am coming now princess !! Thank god for her , she is all that keeps me going !! I take her out and buy her new things and it’s all because I feel guilty that sometimes I just sit in silence for half an hour looking at the walls closing in on me!! Why does nobody notice I don’t smile or laugh anymore!!! I feel like I’m screaming for help but nobody can hear me!! I just want to be happy again because although I try my best to hide it from my little girl I know she must be picking up on it and I just feel guilty
    !!

  • whydoi

    With that being said as irrelevant it may be. Depression feels like you have nobody. Nobody to talk to or relate to. The most simple tasks become difficult. I skipped class all the time. Professors thought oh he’s just another hungover kid who doesn’t care about anything but the next party. Depression makes you feel so weak, after trying to be strong for so long. Little things piss you off and disrupt your whole day. Little things that used to not bother you. Its a feeling of drowing but you’re not underwater. Your on land with everyone else and makes you resentful towards those that seem happy. You literally forget what being excited means. You dread getting out of bed, you dread any type of interaction with people. You’d rather experience physical pain than emotional pain. All in all its the worst feeling in the world.

  • Hello

    I really don’t know what I’m doing on this page I’ve been sad for a while and I just couldn’t find a way to feel better and I started thinking that maybe it was deeper than just being sad and I didn’t want to jump to conclusions I’ve always felt like depression was something that would never effect me I’ve always been generally happy but reading all these symptoms of what other people feel and what they go through I’ve really felt a connection and I think I can relate to a lot of these ever since my girlfriend left me I’ve just not been the same I was always happy now I just can’t stay happy I try to slightly talk to people about it but they just tell me to brush it off and I try so hard to but I really just feel like I can’t I feel hopeless I feel like no matter what I do I just won’t be able to make myself feel better my family thinks I’m perfectly fine I don’t bother my friends with how I feel I keep most to myself and I just go about my day but every day I feel like it’s just getting harder I feel this weight on my shoulders this pressing feeling on my chest and this sick feeling on my stomach nothing interest me I can’t seem to take my mind off of my ex I try so hard to just think about other things but I just feel the burden on top of me constantly I feel trapped like I can’t breath I want to just go away and not look back nothing really truly cheers me up and everything either bores me or irritates me I feel like I have no patience with anything and I’ve just been a dick lately to everyone I feel like I can’t tell anyone about how I feel and just seeing or thinking about my ex always put me down because I know she’s doing perfectly fine while I’ve been sitting here just dwelling on my thoughts and feelings and its just killing me and I swear I don’t know what to do anymore I’m also a very prideful person which gets in the way on how I express my self I really don’t want pity from anyone I just feel misunderstood I feel like I can’t talk to anyone because they’ll just think I’m crazy I I dont know man I’m just tired everyone always talks about getting help with these type of things but I don’t know what that means my uncle died recently and even though it hurt me I know it hurt my mom even more so I feel like I have to be strong for her So that just makes me push away how I feel most of them time but it’s just such a hassle to work around it and I just wish I didn’t have to feel like this I hate admitting this but sometimes out of nowhere I just break down randomly and cry every small thought of her just makes me anxious and sad I feel like I its all my fault and I shoudnt had done some of the things I did I’ve never been a person of regrets but now I just have so many and I don’t know what to do I feel like problems are small compared to other people’s I feel like j shouldn’t be feeling this way I feel selfish wining about a break up when other people have genuine problems I just don’t want to feel this way I don’t even know anything

    • whydoi

      Man I feel exactly the same way. I’ve experienced more loss than most 21 year olds. I lost my father in high school. I went to college and my gf of 3 years breaks up with me (she attended the same school) shortly after I lost my grandfather to cancer. She was supposed to be there for me(his passing was imenent). Well she wasn’t. I bottled it all up for so long and I have a very hard time deciding who I miss the most. And that’s horrible to think about but I was very close to all 3. Either that or I’m just a mess and can’t rationize anything. I find myself constantly day dreaming about the good times I had with them. But the bad times stick out so much more now. I’ve realized how it was actually my fault that my gf left me. I did things that I will never do again. I have no friends because my best “friend” since 8th grade found pleasure in exploiting my depression to our friend group, as he thought my depression was all my doing. Oh and those friends didn’t have the decency to wish me a happy birthday on my 21st. This led to me staying home and doing nothing on a night where you’re supposed to be with friends celebrating. I think about my ex constantly, always playing scenarios in my head. Two years later and I can honestly say there’s only been a few days where I haven’t gone a day about thinking about her. I am battling extreme depression. Im very unmotivated and really just don’t see the point in going to school, getting a good job. Working everyday. Doing the same thing as everyone else. I’m not over much but my best advice is to just soul search man. Try to find something of meaning. Read books, NOT fiction. I got a German Shepherd a few months ago and she has changed my life. I’m still very depressed but she has saved me. And I mean that in every sense. Maybe get a companion dog? I’ve never posted in a forum like this, ever. But reading your situation makes me think we’ve gone through the same feelings. Family’s important but just remember they weren’t around when there was Facebook, snapchat , or instagram. Point being~~~ society has really changed and not for the better. Professional help is the only fool proof way. I have been seeing a psychologist but he recently moved across state and haven’t picked up on it since. Just know man…you’re not alone. I never thought I’d read something like you wrote. So RELATABLE.

  • Agatha

    I’m feeling the same way. Today I just cried and felt really sad. Work has been A lot of stress lately And I know for sure it is not the Job for me.I just didn’t really have a choice but to stay. this feeling is so wrong because I was an achiever when I was younger. I’m 25 and feels like I’m such a failure and everything and almost everyone irritates me.I need help.

  • anon

    lately I’ve had so much going on in my life. I’m the type of person to keep my emotions in and I let them build up. My mom and I don’t have the best relationship at the moment, we just don’t click. Recently, i been crying frequently. I feel like maybe if I go into a deep sleep or something I won’t have to deal with anything anymore. I just feel kinda empty, as if I’m putting on a persona. I still laugh and smile genuinely, but not as much as I used too. In mind I just really want to end things but I just can’t. I’m going off to college next year and I just want to be able to be free and be happy but I don’t know how to get through this now. Help.

    • kellie

      I’m 45 I seem to be getting worse with almost the same exact issues as you’ve mentioned, I live with my father he has lung cancer but is doing very well, but I don’t have a life At all, now I have so much of my own personal dealings that they are piled us and I am almost unable to communicate to even get help, I’m on ssdi,but they just want to hand nut pills, I’m deeply lost, scared, angry, heartbroken, lonely but I am not interested in anyone cut my x,who hates me, cod my life is so nut of order I couldn’t be with anyone, but yet I don’t want to alone like oz DAD who lost his spouse, oh its and no win situation I could loose my mate first call these things go no and on. I just hate and am angry At the world,

  • Emily

    I relate with your post a lot. I was born into a poor family, sometimes we struggled for food and would go months without electricity, water and heat. On top of that we had an abusive father, he would beat my mother so bad that she had broken ribs, nose and etc. Then he started doing the same to us, we didn’t even know if we were gonna be alive the next morning. I’m the youngest one and my mother told me that the abuse didn’t happen so often before I was born, so unlike my sisters I was exposed to it from day one. When I was around 6 I couldn’t take it anymore, it was hell, so I tried to commit suicide but I couldn’t do it correctly. Then when I was 9 my sister tried to hang herself but my mom stopped her. My sister tied a noose in the toilet above the bathtub, when I went in I tried to do the same but I couldn’t do it. I could never leave my mother. Then a lot of things changed very fast, we were dealing with the threat of being kicked out on the street, that made things even worse. My mom then found a way to get out, remarry and move to another country. As I mentioned previously this happened very fast,too fast for me to deal with it. It was also shocking to me since my wish was for us to be a normal,happy family,with the divorce and remarriage all hope was shattered and I felt empty. My mom left me for a year and this is when the depression started to escalate and I couldn’t hide it anymore. I went in my room and started to cry for hours. Then after a year I moved in with my mom and her new husband and things aren’t better, they are empty. I have no friends, my mom isn’t supportive at all,she’s just making things worse. I’m being insulted and humiliated every single day by her and she just goes around talking shit to everyone about me. I constantly feel shame and fear. My depression is just getting worse every single day, and I can’t seek any help, I can’t even kill myself. I’m trapped and I have no one to help me. I’ve been living in hell too long and now I don’t know how to have a normal life. Is there any advice you or others can give ? It felt good writing about my life, even though this is not even half of it.

  • lala

    So. Today I’m sad again. The last two days I’ve felt just cranky and irritated and I noticed I always felt stressed my whole life. Never could concentrate on school,was always forgetful. I was shy and highly sensitive and emotional inside to others feelings I could feel what others feel , and I was good at seeing what others went through. I have a sad childhood, my mom left me when I was 2 and my dad was always working and he met my step mom quickly after . she was fake . she acted nice until they got married . after that she abused me. She made me fat and cut my long hair to look like a boy, she would make m3 eat so much that I would throw up and then make me eat it and then laugh at me . the only escape I had was my grandma’s but she hated my grandma so she lI ed to my dad about how I was bad girl and my grandma was too. She would tell my dad so many lies about me that were Not true , I was always loving kind and shy and she made my dad think I was a bad girl and my dad would never look at me or hear me when I needed help.my step mom and dad never taught me basic things bbefore starting school.I was always bullied in my own house . I hav. 5 brothers 3 were step brothers that would bully me and made me do sexual things .i got touched sexually wrong and did forced to do sexually things at a young age by them and my step cousin and they made fun of me and shamed me because 9f it and I was ashamed to go to the doctors because of it and his my dirty clowe because of it.i was in special ed in school because no one tought me the basics I needed to know .like abcs and sounding out words and I was behind everyone I. The class every yeyear. I was fat and had boy hair. And my half sister had long hair . I was sad. And my step mom would torment me when I was younger . she would say go hurry up and put your shoes on nona is here to pick you up. (My grandma) .and I was so excited and happy so I would run and put my shoes on so fast and then I’d run out and she her car wasnt there and my step mom would say aww she left because she said you were to slow and thought you didn’t love her so she left you,then she would tell at me to take off my shoes and put them back I would cry the She would laugh at me then scream at me to fix my shoes . then 5 mins later she would do the same thing , I would run out faster for my grandma and she would not be there and my step mom would say oh she left because you were to slow and she doesn’t love you . then laugh at me cry and scream at me, she would pull me and my twin brothers hair and call us crazy and retared.my dad loved aaffection and when we would say good bye to him and kiss him before work and we always did that because we loved it too, but my step mom would c9me in our room and yell at us not to do that anymore and threten is . so we couldn’t do that. She never wanted us to be close to our father or talk to him.when we were grounded it was for a long time ,for months and sometimes it it was for something we Never did. And even when we were not grounded we couldn’t do anything. It was as if we were always punished our whole life.as if I was always treated as a criminal and I would always give her love and kindness everyday and she was always annoyed by my presence . and talked bad about me. I was shy in school and didn’t talk to anyone. I always felt alone. And sad and even to this day I do . my step mom never is there for me or talk to me . my dadvdoesn’t talk to me and it feels like he is a stranger to me. I always struggle with feelings of hopelessness , stupidity , feeling iinsecure and worthless because I am forgetful and I can Never learn good enough for simple things lol getting my bed , I always feel stressed and overwhelmed and I feel like I wwruin everythig and I don’t belong anywere.I feel like I’m too swsitive with my husband and I get easily offended and I fear I will be betrayed and abandoned all the time growing up, that every one will turn there face away from me or regect me or look down apone me or be jelous of me or lie about me because growing all my friends have done that as well. I still get happy but when I’m low I’m really low and I feel more hopelessness and loneliness and worthlessness then ananything.

    • Monica

      I feel like this too. My childhood was terrible. My heart was broken to early. I didnt learn to cope well. I yearn for true affection. I am lonely and sad. I dont trust people because people are selfish and self absorbed. Critical and unkind. The few good people out there have no interest in me and it makes me feel awfly sad. I dont know what to do. I have responsibilities I cant bail on but everyday this depression eats me away. Why can’t i connect?

  • unknown

    I have been depressed since I was 9 year old. You could say I’m self diagnosing, but I am certain this is the issue. I’m finally 18 and I am seeking help finally. I’ve gone through many phases including suicide, self harm, and lack of personal hygiene.

    This is how I would have to explain Depression:
    It feels like you’re treading through mud with a ball and chain tied to your leg. The mud is the lack of motivation, and the ball and chain is the feeling of hopelessness. They both drag you down but you’re still pushing through. You also have an immense feeling of lethargy. You have no energy, no interests in anything. I lost interests in helping myself. I avoided brushing my teeth because why care? I avoided showering every day because why does it matter if I’m not kept up on? I’m worthless anyways. That is what depression feels like. It’s like a choking mist of darkness that you have to venture through, that you wake up to, and that you fall asleep to. It’s become apart of my daily routine. Imagine the feeling of setting high goals, but the closer you reach that goal, the less motivation you get. “I’m going to pass this year!”, then as months go by, you lose sight of that goal. What’s the point? No matter how hard I try I won’t amount to anything anyways. That’s what depression feels like to me. Maybe I’m not depressed and I’m just some stupid kid self diagnosing, but after taking over 20 online screening tests and hitting major depression each time, I’m pretty sure I am.

  • Toria

    I feel lost, confused, hopeless. All the bad in my life overwhelms while the good seems to fade away. Nothing gives me pleasure anymore and all I want to do is watch tv and sleep. I can see what I want for my future and yet I can’t get myself to do the things to get there. It should be important but I just don’t care anymore.
    I don’t know if I have depression, before it had never seemed like a possibility but now I see the symptoms applying to me. What if I’m just going through a phase? I don’t tell anyone and I act normal because I’m embarrassed and scared but I don’t know what to do but I don’t want to be alone.
    Sometimes I feel like it’s just my problem, that I’m just being lazy and should pull it together. Other times everything feels so unattainable and so far away that I want to give up. The happiness is too far and too hard to reach.

    • Renee

      I feel exactly this way. It is hard to wake up. Even with all the caffeine in the world, I’m still sluggish.i feel anxiety and stress in the afternoons to the point of almost snapping and writing my job.i can barely even watch hgtv on those bad days, because all I see is the negatives in my own life and the gaps between my life(real life), and their life (tv life) where people plant a flower and out grows, where the is $ to spend on new floors, and mine are falling in. There’s a gap in general between me and the rest of the world. In my “phases” as I see them, there is no room for anything or any one except improvement. And that is a very depressing state of mind to be in.i still attend work every day, still clean house and keep my duties, but inside I feel bare, alone, hopeless, excluded socially, and like a failure altogether. It takes all my energy just to pour on that makeup, that positive face, and move forward slowly but surely

    • anon

      I feel exactly the same as you. It’s like my motivation levels have died. I have noticed that I am drifting away from my friends because it’s a huge effort to actually meet them and interact with them. It makes me emotionally tired. Plus a lot of the times i feel like speak just for sake of speaking and don’t even make sense anymore, like i don’t really know what to say… honestly i just want to be left alone and just sleep for the longest time and then wake up to quiet and no one disturbing me.I am just so sick of everything, i can’t even explain how i feel. it’s just this sense of wasting away almost.Like i said i have no energy or inclination to do much. It’s a huge achievement if i go to school for a full week or do an assignment on time. even showering and brushing my hair and changing into clean clothes is trying.

  • Lizards

    I can’t cry. And let me tell you, I have tried. I tried hard. I can’t remember last time I had a good cry. I have had extremely suicidal thoughts lately. Nothing is exciting. I go on thriller rides and I don’t scream. I break rules for spite. It is not uncommon to have extreme hatred for everything that exists, esp. family. I realize I need help.

  • carly

    i can totally relate to how all of you feel, i get up every morning and look at myself in the mirror and question wether my reflection is really me, sometimes i can’t even get myself out of bed.
    i make up excuses for why i can’t attend school and when i am at school i hide myself away from the light!
    i don’t really talk to people and especially happy people because i do not understand them,i wear black because thats the way i feel and for some reason i prefer being in the dark!

  • Fourwindmills

    I didn’t go to work for a month
    I didn’t leave my bed for eight days straight
    I haven’t hung out with anyone
    If I did I’d have nothing to say
    I didn’t feel angery or depressed
    I didn’t feel anything at all
    I didn’t want to go to bed and I didn’t want to say up late
    That’s how I feel

  • Oscar

    Depression sucks… No other way to say it. Right now I am going through it and I feel that any kind of pain is enjoyable, time seems to go forever and I just want each day to end, I lost interest in everything, I give up so easily, no motivation. Every day I just feel exhausted as if my body is ready to give up and die. I try to surround myself with people but I end up feeling annoyed and bored with them when I do. My favorite songs don’t “hit” me anymore. But I still listen to them because it gives me the comfort of being alone. I sit in my room listening to songs all day ignoring everything…. I lost all emotion. I feel bored with life. There is so much more but I don’t feel like typing about it.

  • Lucas

    Depression…….is horrible

    It kills you in the inside, makes you stop doing everyday tasks and everything you need to do. You feel so lonely. I feel so lonely. No one to talk to, no one I want tot talk to. The kids at school, they look so happy. They look at me weird, and even my friends…maybe my friend. They say sarcastic remarks, but to me they seem real. Go die in a hole, your life is dark and sad, no one likes you. Are they serious? It’s hard, and if can be happy at times. But I feel like nothing has any purpose, when will it go away, when will it stop. I write this, with no emotion. But a blank mind. I want help, I need help. I want it to go away. When will it all end.

    • Lucas

      I cry a lot, and have stopped recently, but today I couldn’t handle it. I hope for the end of this.

      Goodluck, to anyone out their reading this. Keep on going. Don’t give up. And remember your not alone. Many people, just like you, are in this world.

      And remember, someone out their loves you.

  • mia

    I hate to come to any realization that something describes me perfectly, but this does. I’m never happy. I’m always trying to put myself in situations that I think will make me feel happy. Even when I do, I become disinterested. I once did the whole rush thing when I was a freshman so I could get in a sorority. I made it, I was pinned but I didn’t show my face the next day or then on because the thought of being with people all of the time, talking to people scared me. I used to love learning but now I could really care less. I always feel like death is knocking on my door, and if I have the slightest pain I just over exaggerate about it. I start confrontations all of the time, like with my parents, siblings, and it even caused me and my best friend to split to where we haven’t had contact in months. The thought of even asking for help scares me. I just always feel helpless, like a waste of space, unneeded. Anyone could try and convince me otherwise, I know for a fact that I am not needed, and life will go on if I’m not around.

  • Roz

    I lost my wonderful husband 4 yrs ago. I’ve never been the same. I’m sad all the time, and cry alot. My sons are grown so i don’t see them as often as I use to. I wake up to a beautiful sunny day, and feel it wasn’t meant for me. I still fumble in the dark. I’m in another place trying desperately to get back where I use to be. Like there’s a window between me and my yesterday. My life was pulled out from under me like a dirty old rug. What gets me up and moving every day are my 4 pets. 2 dogs & 2 cats. I’ve thought about ending it all many times, but to leave them with no one,or even someone unfamiliar to them. Never. Pets truely help. Not saying they’re the whole answer, but they’ve been good for me.

  • amber

    I have depression and I wish it would go away! Im very emotional and dont want to do anything more. Thoughts of suicide. My boyfriend just makes it worse bc he doesnt understand. I have difficulty expressing myself. What can I do? I just want to be happy.

  • Me

    Feels like i’ve lost most of the faith in myself that I used to have.

    Like the happiness and motivation that I used to feel was just an illusion that I saw through rose colored glasses which was my antidepressant.

    Everybody wonders and ask’s what my problem is because they don’t understand.

    I have no desire to have fun, get ready in the morning, or even get out of bed on some days.

    Staying awake for day’s, with the help of prescribed Adderall, and then sleeping for an entire day. Adderall is the only thing I have left right now that gives me a glimmer of life.

    Avoiding everybody. Not responding to texts, phone calls, or emails because I dont have the energy to sustain a conversation.

    Everything I do feel’s exhausting. Even just knowing that I have to talk to someone on the phone creates ridiculous anxiety.

    I get sensitive when somebody else points out my life problems. My mother makes me feel the worst even though she doesnt mean to. I end up just crying alone thinking about how much further down the path to failure im on.

    Extremely annoyed when any of my family members try to talk to me.

    I have no desire to be in a relationship with anyone. I used to get excited about love. But at this point, I don’t feel good enough for anyone so I avoid it all together. I also can’t handle anyone else leaving me.

    I stop posting statuses on Facebook.

    I have vivid nightmares about horrible things happening that I have no control over.

    I give up easily on things.

    I have sudden episodes of crying while im alone and I pray for God or WHOEVER to show me how to get rid of this feeling.

    I just feel hopeless. I question why im even living on this world right now when I mean nothing to it.

    I really hope things get better as I get older. I hope im strong enough to pull out of this and take control of my life soon because I dont want to live like this anymore.

    • me too... or tim

      Don’t beat yourself up thinking it’s a failure of your “strength.” The visually-impaired can’t make themselves see better by being “stronger,” so why should emotional-impairment be your failing?

      It isn’t. As someone who struggled for about a decade with depression without understanding what depression really is—a decade of thinking my misery was my fault and making the suffering far worse as a result—I ask that you don’t make my mistake.

    • stephany

      What you said its pretty much how I feel. I work 5 days a week and it requires constant interaction with customers. And i feel like I’m in a daze or I’m living in slow motion. I feel when I’m speaking to others, I’m not making sense. I feel like complete shit I use to take Aderall back in high school but stopped for about 2 years and I feel like the old feelings are coming back to haunt me. I feel theres no future or purpose for me anymore, I try to stay positive and keep my faith in God and hope that this goes away and suddenly I go back to being “normal”. I have acquaintances but no real friends , none in which I trust enough to express how I really feel. I cry and wish I was like everyone else friendly, normal and happy.

    • random robot

      I recognized myself in so many things you said, it’s scary.

      I’m scared of even starting things (college subjects for studying).
      I’m even scared of checking emails.

      Phone calls have become my worst nightmare, I have absolutely no energy to talk to people. They make me feel exhausted.

      I hate talking things like this to other people because I don’t want to make them feel bad.

      I was a very cheerful person, and even now I am cheerful around people, I’m usually the witty one who makes them laugh, but even spending time with others doesn’t help anymore.
      Before (around two-three years ago) when I went out with people, I would instantly feel better, but not now, especially this year.

      I don’t know how to explain it, but.. It’s like I don’t feel anything. When I fail I don’t feel anything, no sadness, no frustration, sometimes I feel guilt, but even that is inconsistent. When I do something good my mood is almost always still like a flat line.

      A close friend whom I really felt was the only one who truly was on the same wave length as I am stopped replying after we started getting closer. I wouldn’t mind if he didn’t want anything romantic with me, I just wanted a friend who’s not so exhausting to talk to.

      I find it extremely difficult to get out of bed. Before, whenever I felt bad, I would just sleep it off and feel better when I wake up, but now it’s all the same, most of days.

      When I sleep, I often dream nice (that’s one of reasons why I love sleeping), but often I have nightmares too and wake up with my heart bumping like crazy.

      I watch some funny shows on you tube over and over, I know almost all dialogues that will happen.

      I feel like I am guilty for everything, and like I don’t deserve anything because all this was my fault to begin with.

      I hate checking Facebook, and talking with close people especially.

      I don’t really have suicidal thoughts, but I think about death sometimes.

      The worst thing is that I constantly feel drained, like I have no energy for absolutely anything. Like I said, the worst thing is getting out of bed. I could spend a whole day in it. When I’m not at college, I can catch myself sleeping for 12 hours, sometimes even more, but I have trouble falling asleep.

      I also daydream very often. I take a walk outside with my mp3, play music and daydream about some stupid things, like I’m in some show ridiculing all the things I said above and making jokes about life and death in general.

      Some days I feel better than others, though mostly I’m just a flat line (not sad, but truly apathetic, like nothing moves me), is that also ”normal” in depression?

      I’m sorry for the long post, I didn’t expect I’ll be able to write this much, I can’t bring myself to write in my own diary for months.
      I typed ”feeling nothing” and it led me on this page.

      Keep it up everyone, though at this point, I honestly don’t know how.

      Thanks for reading, I hope I helped someone.

  • AbbySmilesALot

    I’ve been pretending to be normal for so long that people don’t think I’m depressed but a cheerful person who loves life. I take meds for it but because it was aggravating a heart problem I have to take a lower dose which isn’t effective for me. I don’t leave my house except for work and getting food. I don’t have close friends or family so when I feel my worst all I can do is keep waiting for the worst to pass and then pick up where I left off. I guess depression is invisibility because there’s no outward sign of it, people just assume that because we haven’t died from depression our life must be going ok for us but we just pretend to be ok because honestly what can we do? We can’t just stop living but we can’t enjoy living either. We don’t die from depression but we can’t fully live either. We are stuck. So we will try live and try to keep the saddeness from touching our happiness.

  • Farah

    Hello there, I know that this is an old post, but I hope that I can get some answers if you happened to be still active. Does depression affect your dreams? or daydreams? I find that most of the times when I am at my deepest stage of ‘depression’ I’d have short hallucinations of taking furniture or an item and harm someone with it, regardless of how important that person is to me. It does sound funny when I say it, but having that kind of ‘depressive lapse’ for almost more than 2 years, it isn’t for me. Sometimes I’d break down and cry and fear of the day when I actually turned those ‘daydreams’ into reality. I don’t want to eventually hurt someone.

    The reason why I don’t know whether this is a symptom is because I am not seeing an expert on that matter. I have had an appointment once with a psychologist because my break-downs were affecting my studies. He did diagnose me as having depression but, well, my parent who was a doctor thought that he was probably exaggerrating my condition. So the diagnosis was changed to a milder type of condition that was similar to depression. I should have known better that maybe the psychologist was right, because that I have not moved on from that ‘mild diagnosis’ up until now.

    • AbbySmilesALot

      Dear Farah,
      I’m so sorry you are experiencing these nightmares and these frighting feelings. Sometimes people around us, especially family, can hold us back from getting the treatment we need because they really don’t want us to be sick. As always if you are having stong feelings of wanting to hurt yourself or others its recommended to seek professional help. I know we hear that a lot when depression is discussed but it truly is beneficial. Our minds are very complicated and when we are sick we can’t get better without a little help. I know that because I’m not you I can never fully understand what you are feeling but you have to believe that you are very important and that I sincerely hope that you feel better soon and that you don’t forget how valuable you truly are. I may not know you but I’m cheering for you and I believe you can get better. I believe we both can get better.

  • Emily

    Some body help me I feel like it a pain just to talk to people I’ve known for years. When people say hello to me I just walk pasted like nothing happened my job wich I would work with a gaunt smile on face now is just a place to sit and I feel berry fatigued I often cry for no apprentice reason I wrote on an enlist paper that I felt like I wanted to kill myself I had points that when ever I look down at a knife and think of staving myself with it I keep have nightmare about my life this has been going on since middle school I’m 18 now I’m tried of peapole ihave constant parnioea I can’t get myself out of bed most days I I take a shower 2x a week cause I feel like I just don’t have the energy I don’t shave ethier

  • Mitch

    It’s frustrating, it’s inconsistent. I feel like a total stranger in front of my grown kids, my whole family. Before I started therapy, decades after I should have, I felt I could tell no one — no one — for years about how awful and empty I feel inside. I cry, I cannot breathe. I often wake in the middle of the night fighting mad with my heart thumping in my head. And I cry some more. Then I perhaps sleep, then wake, and I smile and my facade rises once again. And I’m told I have sad eyes. I hate it.

    • AbbySmilesALot

      I’m sorry you don’t feel anything. I used to think feeling pain was bad but feeling nothing is worse.I would never wish it on anyone, I hope you feel again soon. Feel joy. Dont give up. We can’t give up. You’re not nothing. you’re a person , the only one of you on the earth.

    • Dineo Thinyane

      Today I tweeted “I feel boxed in and I can’t breathe, constantly” as a means to describe where I’m at mentally and emotionally. I’ve been running away from the fact that I’m depressed but I’ve been slowly acknowledging it too. My biggest issue is that no one really sees it and cares. And I don’t want to draw attention to myself too much either because that is annoying, you can’t very well force someone to care or listen. I’ve been living in the messiest room for weeks, I’m demotivated about school, and life in general. I’ve been looking for a job for more than a year and there’s been nothing. You’d swear I’m not a graduate. I’m missing tests at school for no reason, just that I couldn’t get out of bed. I’m not putting my strength into anything. I’m a living zombie, just floating through life, either unseen or with no desire for anything and it shows. I’m generally a person who doesn’t feel the impact of things till much later, these days I’m just not feeling at all. I’m crying alone in my room, or right now in the computer lab of my school and no one of the five people sitting around me have noticed, which is good because I’d rather not be seen than have to try and explain the inner turmoil I’m feeling. I should be doing research for my two assignments due next week a day apart from each other, instead I’m wallowing in my sadness and finding sites such as this one where I can wallow even more, amidst people who have their own problems. I don’t have money for a therapist or whatever and I don’t believe they’ll ever get through to me anyway. Nevertheless, I appreciate this site, thank you for the forum. I pray that we all heal. Love and light to you all.

  • Carol

    I’m giving you all a massive big hug! You all deserve one and need one.

    I know what it’s like to be a prisoner of your own mind, feeling
    like you are just
    existing and not living.

    I too, felt this way when I was 17/18. I’m now in 30’s.

    I want you to know things get better, but you must get help.
    This is not a weakness.
    Depression is very common.

    Medication, talking, counselling are options that can help. Your Doctor will help you to find what’s best for you.

    I think of it like this: If you break your leg ,you need to go get it fixed. If you have diabetes you need insulin to help your body stay balanced.

    The brain is such a complex thing. I used to hate it for making me feel the way I did.
    Please, Please believe me that you can get better and start to be happy.

    Don’t be ashamed or embarrassed. It’s an illness and you can get well. Tell your family or someone you can trust.
    Help is there, you just have to go and grab it.

    If I can do it , then you all can too. Definitely!!

    I wish you all the best of luck and happiness. Don’t be so harsh on yourselves. We are human after all. God Bless.XX

  • Selene

    Honestly. Everything has been triggering me lately. I have been constantly remembering negative memories. Out of nowhere, these memories started hitting me with a bang. I started noticing much more clearly what these people meant by the words they chose to say to me. I feel so damm alone sometimes. And, I feel as if I post a comment or tell anyone what I feel, I will just be looking for pity. But then, I feel as if I don’t, no one will know what I truly feel. I just… don’t know who to talk to. I feel as if I go to a doctor they will provide me with pills, and just look at me like “You’re fucked, kid.” I lost my two best friends… And it was my fault. I wanted to leave them. But now, I miss them terribly and despite it all I’m paranoid. I am just patiently waiting until my new best friends to leave me just like I have to the other two. They say Karma’s a bitch. And I am just waiting for her. I can sense it is already happening. They are already getting fed up with me.

  • Celeen

    My boyfriend had OCD I already know that ever since i even become his stress reliver his positve magnet, his reminder that everything is not real that things gonna be okay. that it was just in his mind! I try to be patience even sometimes his not aware he was already hurting me!I still understand him.Because I love him and i dont want him to think and absorb the negative thought. i avoid to tell him negative stories and expercience of mine unfortunately my dilema arise when i had a problem and no one to talk to i couldn’t ran to him cause i know he will feel bad and thats not good for him. And i dont want him to absorb my problems my stress by this. He become used to it that he didnt bother to ask me how i am?!if im okay? I develop anxiety and depression of hiding my problems, personal issue,experciences, i just caught myself crying out of nowhere, crying out of something that i dont know what it is. And sadly i feel lonely and alone i forgot to trust to other people,and now im scared to open up my issues to my best friend and friends. Im scared that they might think im crazy and cant understand me. I even caught my self wishing to that a car will hit me and Die!i feel unlove by him…i try to broke up with him but i couldnt because i love him. Knowing that it kills me everytime i hide my real feelings and emotions.its funny i mastered how to fake and looks so happy and stress free..but deep inside i WASs dying!!!i want go
    And be gone with@ the wind!

  • Scott Paterson

    I accidentally came across this site. I started to read this I relized that most of the points are what’s happing to me. I can’t remember a time when I used to have so much hope excitement and happiness. I used to remember just having a boost of energy and excitement going up the stairs, so I ended up just running up the stair. About a year or two after I left school I enjoyed the freedom but over time felt a strong sense of pressure on me. Now I am 22 and I am feeling low especially in the last year I am in a job is so annoying and frustrating. My family is difficult especially after my parents divorce and I not close to my dad I haven’t really been close before the brake up I have a older half brother that we don’t talk or se each other. I’ve tried to keep in toach with him but nothing and I have a younger brother who not long ago stole half my savings and he is entirely differnt person from me. My mum we have always been close but in the last few weeks whenever I say something she may agree but her face says something else and even tring to help her with my younger brother and my younger cousin(whom we been watching for a while) I end up getting a shouting and after that they get away from whatever it is.

    The last few months I have been staying in more and more as if I can’t be bothered with anything.There’s been so much more thingslittle and big but one of the things I hate doing is bothering people with my problems. I also felt like I was a outsider with my dyslexia

    I have no idea if anyone will ever read this since the last comment was nearly two years ago but a well.

  • Ryan B.

    This is where I find myself right now, and I’m not really sure what it means.

    I consider myself an intelligent person. I try to be self-aware and constantly self-analyzing. But I realize that I no longer have an explanation for the way that I feel. Depression runs in my family. My father is bipolar. My grandmother on my mom’s side died a year ago. The circumstances around her death seem to lend to suicide.

    I’ve been to counseling in the past, but that was for childhood issues. I grew up in a mostly verbally, somewhat physically abusive home. My father’s own illness had him jumping to multiple mood extremes in any given day.

    Now, just a month away from my 32nd birthday, I find myself much the man that I grew to despise. Not as a whole, but I’m starting to relate to what was going on inside.

    I find that things that I used to love no longer bring me joy. I’m a musician, yet sometimes I feel like I no longer care about music. I have the ability to write and record music at home, and even though I feel some slight semblance of accomplishment from creating something, it is fleeting.

    I’m in a relationship with a great girl who at times I’m unsure if I love anymore. The problem is that it’s not her. Nothing about her has changed and she’s one of the best people I’ve ever known. It’s not because I don’t care about her. It’s because I don’t care about anything.

    The hardest thing about depression isn’t just the way it makes you feel. It’s the way it makes you confused about ANYTHING you feel. It’s the fact that you can logically know something to be true, but feel something completely different and have no control over that feeling. Depression makes you question everything. It is looming self-doubt in its deepest, darkest forms.

  • Rebecca

    I’ve suffered from depression for years. Probably since early childhood but only diagnosed in the last 4 years or so. I can’t describe depression to people and get quite frustrated when I tell someone and their first reaction is to say “but you’ve got nothing to be depressed about..?” Like it has to be caused by a specific event! I feel like I can’t connect to people, like I’m constantly disappointing people and that I’m worthless. I can’t stand myself sometimes. I’ve had constant issues in work, family and love life because of my attitude which I know stinks at times, I find myself reflecting on my own actions and feeling ashamed of myself. I look at other people and cannot figure out his they function so well when I can barely keep it together day to day. One comment, remark or feedback either professional or personal can set me back for days, I dwell on emotions and worries which I cannot seem to shift. I don’t know why I can’t just be a happy, nice, cheerful person and I don’t understand why I constantly do things wrong. I’ve seen therapists, taken medication and spoken openly to friends and family all in the hope that there is some miracle cure I can find that will fix me, I long for the day my brain isn’t in a constant fog and I can look back and think “I finally feel like everyone else, I am fixed, I can’t imagine how I ever survived the way I was feeling”. Try as I might I’ve never been able to find that miracle cure and I worry so much that I’ll never feel normal…

  • Kate

    My hygiene goes completely out the window. I don’t care what I look like or if I smell bad. I won’t shower for days, put makeup on, brush my teeth. I let my living space get absolutely filthy, and then I when I look around at the mess it just creates more self-loathing.

    I can’t get out of bed in the morning. And when I do, I simply go through the motions of the day. By evening I make any excuse to crawl into bed early.

  • Antonio

    I feel like what was described in the symptoms all the time. I presently work with my friends and I don’t want to work with them anymore. Nothing against them. I hate being at home but much rather stay there, all the time. If I don’t have to get out of my bed, I won’t. A lot of the time, I just want to be left alone. No phone calls, no conversations. Nothing. I had a great start to the year, but I quickly went from being super happy to whatever it is that I am now. I don’t like it. I don’t feel like I matter to anybody. I hate the place I’m in in my life and I just want to be happy. That’s all.

  • Rosemary

    It’s anxiety for me: fear of going to sleep, paralysis which destroys getting anything accomplished. I am crippled with paralysis and it’s so difficult to move forward.

    Manic and so anxious of how to provide for my future. My job prospects are a joke due to advanced age of 53. Technology has passed me by. I am exhausted and just want to end it.

  • Laura

    I am filled with tremendous sadness. I look at my life and realize that every area where i have placed my love, passion, and my conscious effort has seemed to be all in vain. Somehow the deep love I have for my children has not be felt by them. They continue to express the disappointment in me and in life and the shame they have for being part of my family. My family is cursed it seems, My younger brother and step dad now homeless and addicted to heroin, growing up poor around dysfunction seems to leave you with nothing left to offer. You can’t give your kids what you don’t have, right? I feel i have given them a nice home, without much arguing, things i did not have. And they tell me i have done no such thing. Every accomplishment i thought i have made seems to be nothing but a dream i must of had, because there seems to be no fruit. The love I have is overwhelming why does that seem to have no value anymore, I thought love, truth, and passion would be enough. I see people in other countries hungry and living in the midst of war and my heart breaks even more. Rather that be thankful the sadness continues to deepen. I see how cruel people are and they seem to be getting worse, I look all around and cannot find one kind soul. I feel our days are coming to an end, is it all in my head? I feel crazy or enlightened not sure which it is. All I know is that my heart is broken for those who suffer and I am tired and feel that there is nothing I can do to help. Everything I touch seems to fall apart, no matter how good my intention.

  • swati

    i feel lonely.i cry all the time, on petty things. i have friends but they are for name only-they are not going to be there when i need them so it is very difficult for me to fake friendship with them . and my family and lover dont understand my situation.my boyfriend constantly gets upset with me coz i cry a lot .i need someone to talk to . i need someone who understands what i am going through . someone who will not get irritated when i cry .

  • T

    I am seeing all of your stories, which are much worse than my current situation. So i kinda feel like I’m making a mountain out of a mole hill. Anyways…going to the same classes everyday, talking to the same people everyday. While everything I hear or do goes over my head, I zone out and fake my smiles and laughs without realising…I look at the pile of worksheets in front of me not understanding what is going on and just feeling like there is no point and I really don’t care if I fail yr 12…but I should. My dad and mum are going through their own problems so i don’t want to complain (i have told them and they are trying to help) I don’t do my homework or the housework when i know i should. I know I’m lazy which is making me feel guilty and sorry for myself and i hate feeling sorry for myself. I lay in bed crying for no reason and then laughing, my appetite has gone down the drain and i feel sick every morning.I know i am not capable of hurting myself or killing, i have no desire either. The only thing stopping me from giving up is the curiosity for tomorrow. I really hope you other guys will feel better soon and know you are not alone, I might not have depression but i can almost imagine what it might be like and it feels like a bitter aftertaste alongside black sludge that is always making it that much harder to get out of bed and the constant haziness in your brain keeping all your thoughts muddled up…thinking that death will bring you relief. That is not the answer and i really believe it will all pass, think about how big the world is and all the good things including you…YOU WILL WIN THIS BATTLE!

  • Juan

    My depression started around my junior year in High School. I had friends, still do. And mostly every girl would say I’m attractive but I also had a lot of acne during that time so I never approached any female. And when someone would talk to me I would look down or somewhere else because I didn’t want them to notice my face up close. But anyways I missed so many opportunities on making new friends and dating more girls (only dated one girl in high school) just because my low self esteem. My heart became cold and I stopped seeking God. Doing things like smoking weed and watching a lot of porn. Sometimes I would feel so low or solo. Like no one cared about me. And I stopped showing emotion on my face not realizing I was getting depressed, but everything would be solved when I went to sleep. Until one day it didn’t. I woke up depressed. I feel anxious all the time for no reason and now I can’t even talk to people. They think I don’t like them or maybe im sending negative vibes including my friends. I don’t know what to do anymore everyday is the same and I’m trying to seek God again but it’s not working I’m stilled depressed. Someone please help

    • Raq

      I am sorry you feel soo terrible and hopeless. Have you tried calling the suicide hotline? They will listen to you and maybe be able to put you in touch with some sort of therapist. It is soooo unfair that so many people feel so totally terrible all the time. Your doctor can give you some medication that will probably help, even if it’s only a little it’s so worth it. When I take mine it takes away the anger and crying. Which helps some. Part of my prob just now is I’ve recently moved, ran out of my anti depressant and can’t get an appt for over a month. Please call someone. It’s confidential and no one will blame you. Hugs, Raq

  • Sarah

    I just feel like I want to cry, and that I’m no good. Anything I do, I feel like I’m disappointing my friends, my parents, my teachers etc. and I just don’t find anything interesting anymore. I used to love comic s and games and things like that, but now I just feel that they’re useless. And I feel constantly alone, even though there are people around me. And I feel that people are constantly talking about my weight. I wasn’t really insecure about it, but now, recently, I’ve just been feeling like I’m surrounded by thin, pretty people and I’m just this ugly potato in the middle… My parents are doctors, and I don’t really want to talk to them about it. They expect me to get good grades and, I dunno, I just feel like staying in bed, because getting up is so much effort, and I just want to cry.

  • jazz

    i lost interest in everything, cannot concentrate on one topic. Doing simplest task is very difficult and when some one is explaining me simple task i cant understand till it is repeated. After understanding i feel like i did it wrong. i cant remember anything.

  • Melanie

    I have been trying to scour the Internet in hopes of finding someone who can understand how I feel. It seems depression affects people in so many ways…

    I know I am depressed, and it is an illness. I have tried for so long, so hard, to *snap* out of it, and it just doesn’t work.

    I feel like life is a routine between work, laundry, cooking, and providing for my little family. This routine is the ONLY thing that gets me through day to day, week to week, and month to month, etc. I work nights, since sleeping has long been an issue (might as well do something worthwhile if I have to be awake anyway, right?). My husband and son are gone during the day (work and school), so I am home alone all day, but am grateful for my pups who at least keep me company, and from feeling TOO alone.

    The pain I feel everyday, the deep muscle aches, exhaustion, and the fears/realization of being alone, keep me in bed, crying, a lot of time; especially mornings. My anxiety can cause panic attacks that seem different that descriptions I have read. I can breathe fine, but I get this sense of utter impending doom, combined with agonizing nausea (makes stomach flu nausea feel like tickly bubbles).

    I guess, ultimately, i hope to find some answers. Are there others that know these feelings? Especially the feelings of panic? The deep muscle body aches? Crying for no reason?

    Of course, I can’t seem to get my thoughts and feelings down the way I want. It’s so hard to describe, really, and I am not sure what I really want. To talk, maybe? To be anonymous, and hopefully someone will relate? Maybe

    • Rebecca

      The best thing I’ve found is knowing I’m not the only one who feels like this. It might sound deranged but I was relieved to read your comment, I’ve suffered from anxiety and depression for so long it’s easy to feel isolated, like you’re the only one in the world who feels like this and in some way it feels like you’re broken or faulty in some way. I can’t offer any guidance and I’m in no position to. I found therapy helped but usually the best thing us to find someone who feels a similar way you do and just TALK about it. It makes you feel less embarrassed/alone/afraid. I long for a quick fix, some miracle cure I just haven’t discovered yet to come along and fix me but I’m starting to realise that when you’re suffering from depression there is no “one size fits all” cure. We just have to deal with it in the best way that we can but having loved ones around you giving you love and support helps so much more. I hope you feel better knowing you’re not alone 🙂 x

  • Lost in this world

    Have you ever feel:
    -what is the meaning of living?
    -everyday is a struggle to make sense of this cruel world
    -why are we so alone in the universe?
    -what is the point of working our whole life and not enjoying it?
    -money is the all evil in our hearts and mind, it controls us and our entire life
    -expressing what your feeling helps which I am doing
    -can’t smile like Kanye West
    -struggle to get up in the morning
    -life is good but does not make me happy
    -I know people far poorer and much happier than I am
    -the struggle to live is a challenge each day
    -though everything seems fine on the outside, the killer is still on the inside eating you day by day and making you sleepless night by night
    -whish there was more to this Earth than meets the eye

  • karabo rammoko

    depression sucks it feels like crap. I feel like crying every single day and so hopeless, I feel like being alone you know and just be away from everyone it’s like being in an egg shell your whole life and some people refuse to accept that they have depression, you really feel worthless and want to give up in almost everything that happens in your life ,it seems as if life is not fair towards ‘you tend to feel like you could go away in a place far away and that no one should find you ever again. IT’S NOT A GOOD FEELING AT ALL, you feel like the whole world has turned against you and it’s worse if you are still in school cause it affects your academics and you end up failing at school. You know when I cross the road id feel like a car could just come by quickly and bump me aside and die at that particular moment. I am a very bright girl who is always friendly and kind to people but ever since started getting these feelings I have not been myself ,I REALLY WANT TO GET BETTER BUT I CAN’T SEEM BETTER

  • Michelle

    I feel like nothing. I feel like I’m just going through the motions every day. I know what I have to do and I do it. I can fake enthusiasm very well, but I can’t feel it right now.
    I feel like a gray lump just doing the minimum to get by, to make sure I don’t lose my job, but nothing beyond that. I’m no longer joyfully creative or have that lust for adventure. I just want to get done whatever I have to get done, then be alone or asleep.

    My friends are annoying. Waking up is the hardest thing. I feel like I want to be myself again, but I can’t bring myself to do the things that will help me out of this grayness. It feels enormous, and hopeless, and pointless.

    Sometimes I mark the days by events I know are coming up. But I feel I have nothing to look forward to, no motivation, nothing keeping me going, just existing somehow.

    I only eat low effort foods. Things with minimal prep or things I purchase from restaurants. I have no energy to focus on treating myself well.

    I’m mostly sleep and work and gray.

  • Katie

    Most of them fit me. I don’t even know why I am depressed. It feels like I am not really even here, like I’m just an observer. I see how everything could be so much better, but I can’t do anything about it. I feel like I have no purpose. I’m just a girl who can do nothing, I’m useless. I don’t know how to do many facial expressions. I see how others act, but I am not like them. I can’t sleep until past midnight but wake up at noon. I am always hurting somewhere, weather a headache or a side pain. But I have never considered suicide, so I am fine. I will make it through, and I don’t want anyone to know, so no one ever will.

  • Phoebe

    Hey, lateley I’ve been worried about a friend of mine he is suffering from depression he even asked me for ways he could kill himself – he has a list. I was genuinely scared talking to him, but I tried to cheer him up by saying he has us – his friends- he can talk to and he’s not alone. He just told me he can’t trust no one and he wont tell anyone why he doesn’t trust us. Lately, its been harder to talk to him but I don’t want to make him feel like im giving up on him. I just want to help him, is there any advice you can give me?

  • Miguel

    I feel lonely. Lonely when I am not hugging someone dear to me. I have an extreme fear of getting in a fight or argument of any kind and level, so I compete and fight within video games, not like video games are bad, if not for them… I go to a psychologist once a week. So far we’ve uncovered that I felt sad at any separation, my parents separated as a child. I often times asked why, to which I would get the answer: we fought. For 4 years I could not behave as a normal child. Later I stayed a bit like that, docile, calm, invisible. My parents are great though. Total role models… I steered away from the question sorry. I am crying as I type. It feels awful, with no end. Hopeless.

  • Jon

    In order to explain what depression feels like, it might be better to describe what it’s not. It’s not joyful, or inspiring; it does not leave you feeling uplifted, elated, or at peace. It feels like your ultimate purpose in life is to cease to exist, regardless of what anyone says or does to help elucidate the contrary. I think the worst part is remembering happiness, remembering feeling awe, joy, and wonder; remembering feeling loved and the ability to love, and now it feels like these machinations have been surgically removed. The ability to experience these things seems so foreign to me now, and I can’t fully trust my memories. Depression feels like you’re already dead, and you’re slowly growing frustrated waiting for your body to catch up to the fact. That is the best way I can describe how I feel every single day.

  • ViviWannabe

    When people ask me what depression feels like, I tell them it doesn’t. I am managing it pretty well right now with medication and exercise, but I still have days here and there. On those days, I am completely devoid of all emotion. Most people think that depression is sadness, but when I am having a bad day, I don’t even have that. I desperately wish that I could feel sad, because at least then I’d feel something. I wouldn’t wish this emptiness on my worst enemy.

  • Abby

    Both of my parents had depression since their teens so it follows that I have it too. Sometimes we can be comforted when we know were not alone but depression can not be included in that.I read something the other day and it went like this : depression is like drowning only everyone else around you is breathing just fine. “what does it feel like?” some have asked me this. Like dying, only you have to wait a lifetime for it to finish you. *sigh* recently someone asked me “what makes your problems worse than anyone else’s?” And for the life of me I didn’t know what to say.

  • Christina

    Depression feels like you’re trapped in a glass box. you’re able to see your environment and people go on as usual with their lives. but you’re stuck right where you are, in your glass box, only able to watch others achieve goals you can only dream of. you scream but not a soul hears you. You’re scared to break the box, as you fear the glass shattering and harming you. you fear the loud noise and chaos it could create. so you wait, and wait, think, dream, and wait for your impossible dream to come true.

  • Brenda

    I saw someone updated that they beat themselves up for things they said or did on the 6th grade and they are 35 now.
    I can’t find that person but clicked on the link to say something about it.
    I know exactly what you’re saying. I was doing that the other day.
    Totally bummed myself out with feelings and thing I did when I was 18-9 and I’m 49 years old. WTF? It brought back horrible feelings and the thought that I was fooling myself all these years thinking I made good decisions since then. But when I look back, maybe they weren’t good decisions. So it took me back to 18-19 and I totally felt as worthless as I did then when I thought about it. Feeling that I’m not worth a good relationship. That I will never find the right person to be in my life. Totally messed me up

  • Ryan

    Imagine for a moment, if you will, that you are not the sole occupant of your body. That you, in fact, share your flesh with a parasitic organism. A parasite that not only has the capacity for reason and cunning, but also the capacity to hate you with the utmost intensity. A hatred so intense, that if it had the ability to do so and did not actually need you for its own survival, it would torture and maim you in ways only the darkest of minds could imagine (near to death), then restore you only to burn you alive. All the while smiling in bloody, sadistic satisfaction.
    Imagine that the hooks with which the parasite uses to sustain itself and latch onto you for dear life do not drain blood or any other similar vital fluids, but instead drains your desire to do anything but sustain your life in the simplest and most basic of manners, your happiness, confidence, and all that used to be pleasant and good about you. And when your goodness and confidence are strong and bold enough to break out, when adversity or stress or rejection knock them down, the parasite digs and twists its hooks around inside your heart and soul in a most excruciating manner, to punish you for your insolence.
    Imagine that, for allowing yourself to be crippled by this unholy thing, and allowing yourself to languish and entropy through your inaction, you grow to hate yourself as much as the parasite hates you. So much that you can no longer believe that you’ll amount to anything other than a waste of space and time, that you no longer believe that anyone will love you and want to spend time with you. So much that you can no longer look at your reflection and feel anything but hatred and disgust. Imagine that, after living for so long in within this darkness, that you are robbed of any desire to change; that anything else besides this state would feel too foreign and alien to remain there. Imagine that you live with the knowledge that death would free you from this hellish existence, but you’re far too afraid of what it would entail and what it would do to those you love, that remain, to kill yourself.
    If you can imagine all of this, then you can imagine how it feels to be as utterly depressed as I…

    • Jon

      Hi Ryan,

      I just wanted to comment that you have an amazingly vivid way with words, and if you’re not a writer, you should consider applying your time to the craft. I think you summed up (far better than I could) the reality and meta-reality of depression. I can relate wholehearted to your final elucidated point regarding the appeal to suicide stymied only by the deep guilt and regret of its anguish upon the living left behind. This is the only thing keeping me alive. My nephew would not understand.

  • phil

    Great point about irrational focus on past failures.

    I’m lying awake, beating myself up mentally, for things I did/said in Grade Six.

    I’m 35.

  • Duncan

    Have had depression all my life. I had no idea what it was or what was happening to me.(no one else knew either).my parents shrugged it off and told me to just get on. I cannot help thinking 40 years later that if I knew then what it was would I have achieved a lot more in my life as I feel it did seriously set me back.(school, college, exams, friends etc). Would I have been a multi millionaire or a genius now !?
    It’s a really horrible thing this depression. Feel numb, people talk & move around you but you cannot take it all in.
    Work is horrible(even just thinking about it) Mornings the worst. Can’t get up & feel like a slug.
    Oh yes. Don’t upset me either or make a mess because I can be really ratty when I have this..

  • Samkelisiwe

    The other day I got dumped by my boyfriend! Telling me that I am too sad and depressed! I didn’t understand what he meant, until I came across this page and I found out why…Seems like I am really depressed! I want to change that!

  • Beth

    Sometimes I feel like music doesn’t affect me like you said, but other times I hear a song and just start crying because it’s so sad.

    • Barbara

      I never fully regained the ability to listen to music after music first became painful during a major depression 32 years ago. Great classical music remains especially painful and should I mistakenly tune some in, I cannot get to the Off button fast enough. My son thinks I don’t like music, and just the opposite is true, but I cannot explain my reactions without breaking down, so I never have told anyone how painful music is – until now.

  • Kaylan

    I have felt really “down” off and on for the past 5 or so years, but for the past year or so I lost complete interests in things I really loved, for example cars. I loved to work on them and just be around them made me happy now I don’t really care. I used to play video games alot now I’ll go to start playing on and I’ll feel like “no I don’t think I feel like it” and I cry over little things and its not even about the the thing its just my life I feel worthless I feel like I have no purpose or meaning and every time I tell someone this they are just like “well lifes what you make it JUST BE HAPPY” I can’t I physically cant and I’m so tired of existing because I feel detached from everyone and everything I can’t think straight I can’t really grasp reality and I don’t know what to do anymore.

  • Joe

    One particular feeling I have was mentioned there. I feel like I’m experiencing everything from behind a glass screen I can’t express it any other way. I don’t know what made me search for this page but it’s just explained every feeling I’m constantly having and have had for 18 months. Constant anxiety and worrying about small details, harshly judging myself, alone in a room full of people. I haven’t felt excitement in I don’t know how long, I can’t concentrate on things and have a conversation, I’ve started to get really forgetful, when I do drink I drink til I pass out and behave recklessly as mentioned above because I woke up Sunday with the front end of my new car smashed to pieces and no recollection of driving it. I have everything going for me and shouldn’t feel this way which is making me feel guilty aswell. I’m a young soldier, which I feel makes people have certain expectations of me which is making me feel weak for even having these thoughts. I’ve never expressed this to anyone and I don’t feel I can to the people around me which is why I’m posting to this. To see if I’m not alone and to let anyone else who feels the same way they’re not alone either.

  • Meacheal

    I feel like life is not worth living. I feel like my life is useless and I should just end it all. I feel like I cant do anything right and everything feels wrong. I want to kill myself but I cant bare to.

  • Robin Blankenship

    In addition to everything most people feel, I feel like I’m looking at life through a fog screen and earplugs. Nothing is crisp and clear anymore and my negative thoughts drown out any pleasant sounds.

  • Kouki

    It is interesting because so many people think “depression” just means “being sad”…

    I used to think that too, and when I first was told by my therapist I had it(and anxiety), I thought she just meant I was gloomy or something.

    Then over the years I began realizing it’s not that, but it’s even the things I thought were simply normal, like my laziness and shyness…
    I thought I was only lazy and shy as normal people are, but it always did seem off how I couldn’t talk like normal people(very quiet and awkward, to the point people believe I am mute).
    I’m so lazy that I won’t even shower unless I’m going out in public(which I don’t do unless parents force me or friends pressure me).

    It’s actually kind of relieving to know that it’s something not only I suffer from, though. I used to think I couldn’t relate to anyone.

    I think lately, I’ve been having a lot of those “I’m so bored but don’t feel like doing anything” moments, where I’ll just sit in front of my computer for hours doing absolutely nothing. I don’t even have energy/motivation to play games sometimes, even though I have so many. It’s such a weird feeling.

    It does still irritate me how people can be really ignorant about it, and even hostile. Some people will say things like, “snap out of it”, or “just do this/that”, as if it’s something you can just cure.

  • Adrianna

    I Feel As Tho I Am Losing Complete Control Over My Life. I Can’t Concentrate On The Simplest Things Anymore & When I Try To Stay Focused On One Thing I Start Having An Anxiety Attack. I Use To Be Able To Read For Hours & Now I Just See The Words On The Page But I Don’t Pay Attention I Get To Lost In My Own Thoughts & How I’m Failing So Hard At Life. I Cry. A Lot. Hoping That It Will Release Whatever This Is Off Of Me But It Doesn’t. Back In June 2014 I Had The Most Beautiful Baby Girl & I Love Her At Least I Hope I Do. I Can’t Seem To Find One Emotion I Had. Love, CCompassion. All I Have Left Is Hate Sorrow Anger And Emptiness. I’m Not Really Sure What’s Going On But I Really Want Me Back. I Use To Be So Optimistic & So Happy. Now It’s Like I Dread Each And Everyday I’m Alive

  • Zoe

    I cry all the time, just reading these comments made me cry. I’m 13 years old and I hear people say children as young as me cannot be depressed, but I know what I feel. Although I was crying when I read this, I was glad to know other people also have these feelings. I’ve tried to kill myself only once though. I don’t always feel like this though, sometimes I feel normal and just once in a while happy. That’s why I’m not sure if what I have is depression. I have most of the symptons I just don’t feel them all the time, I wish someone would tell me what is wrong with me! Why do I cry? Why do I want to end a life that has barely began? I never in the short life I have lived thought that I would be posting my feelings on a website about depression where anyone could see, but here I am. I’m just looking for help. Does anyone have any?

  • Laura Farias

    I’m in 9th grade and recently I have been feeling confused and out of it. When I hang out with my friends or distract myself I’m fine, but then when I’m alone I start to overthink things and I wonder what if… The smallest little things make me want to cry, I don’t have motivation to do anything. I constantly feel like there is something stuck in my chest and in return end up coughing a lot. My body is full of aches and pains and I constantly get shivers and my hands are always shaking to one degree or another. I broke down today for no reason and I decided that it has been going on too long and I told my two best friends. They completley understood, now the question is what exactly do I have, depression, anxiety? I don’t know, and it scares me.

  • ann

    Im so tired of living, living is just a hell of existence that the inadequacy of myself burns a hole of shame through me that I only get relief from when I fall asleep. I saw a friend get promoted today, I was happy for him but it has me suicidal, i am such a failure by contrast. I am embarrassed to live and to be myself. It is too late to start over, I am trapped in a job and a life I don’t want. I suppose people would say Im beautiful and smart and talented and outgoing and by numbers I am apparently the top performer at work, but it is a false exterior, they have no clue that I cannot see or feel any of these things about myself and that I feel the opposite. the only thing that matters is what i haven’t achieved and I don’t want to live hating myself. i want to die so I can be free from this pain and loneliness. My husband has no clue how unhappy I really am. I was in a car accident recently and I didn’t try to avoid it because I hoped i would be hurt. I wasn’t….but i was so happy to maybe die. for some of us, death is the only life we could be happy with.

  • Joey

    Didn’t realize the escitalopram I’d been taking for over a year was long expired and no longer effective, so thinking I was covered by this drug, which was very effective for me, I was certain I was safe, and that the returning symptoms, about 60-70% of those listed by our host here, were just bad days, but unrelated. Finally when something happened at work that I normally would have said a foul word about and gotten past wouldn’t go away, and I was sobbing out of control every day for 3 weeks at work at my desk and my weekends were listless and unproductive and I was almost continually wishing I would just vaporize and cease to exist, I checked the label on my meds. I saw July 2013 expiration and it’s Feb 2015 right now. I got a new prescription, been on it one week, and today I was able to smile for the first time in a few months. So I realize a lot now about depression, even more than I did before, and also I see how the med makes me feel like a normal person, so I will stay on it. And not let it expire. This is my contribution to this site. It’s a good site, good when you can read others’ stories and know you’re not alone in it.

  • Finding it difficult

    Depression? Certain members of my family have struggled with this illness for as long as I can remember and up until fairly recently I’d always said that I’d never suffered from ‘proper’ depression – anxiety, yes. Full blown depression, no.

    However, due to too many traumatic experiences within a short space of time e.g. marriage breakdown&having a complete change in lifestyle including moving house, death of family member, uncertainty at work, I am currently experiencing what my doctor described as ‘moderate depression’ & for me this is what it feels like…

    A prevailing feeling that no one really understands or cares about any of my troubles. An increased sense of paranoia that people are thinking negative thoughts about me. A desire to completely disconnect myself from my family. A desire to lock myself away in a darkened room and sleep away the evenings, weekends and weeks if it were possible. An intermittent feeling of wanting to ‘work out’ my emotions by harming myself. Prevailing feelings of intense anger and crying at even the slightest thing. A desire to ‘test’ the one I love, test their love for me&become angry when they dont show it how I want them to. A complete disinterest in food, weight loss&a feeling that I deserve to punish my body by denying it fuel and goodness, a ‘foggy’ feeling in my head and forgetfulness, losing things. A desire to listen to songs that remind me of painful memories and the inclination to ‘dwell’ in these memories. Rapid mood changes – feelings of being slightly ‘lifted’ when around people and despair when alone. Wanting to be alone with my thoughts. Never wanting to be around other people again. Feelings of hopelessness, despair, not knowing how to cope in my own body. Feelings of nausea and headaches due to too many negative thoughts. Feeling like I will never ever be ‘okay’ again…

  • Veronica

    I never understood what hell depression is until I was living it. As mentioned, the clinical symptoms barely provide any depth and understanding to it. And I’ve come to the conclusion that its, of course, different for everyone, and not everyone has the same “symptoms”. For me, depression is a very intense self-hatred that makes it nearly impossible to do anything but lay in bed and watch TV and think about every terrible thing I’ve ever done, am doing, and will do. It’s impossjble to escape my own mind. But the real kicker is, managing to hide this from other people is so easy. I’m somewhat convinced my depression weens and wanes with undiagnosed bipolar disorder for this reason. Nobody could ever guess I was depressed – I can still converse pretty well most of the time when I’m not in a crying spell or in the “worst day” slumps. I can laugh and joke. But I laugh just a little too hard sometimes, I rwalize. Just enough so that you could tell how faked it was if you were living with depression as well. But the more and more I go on like this, the less easy it is to hide it. I’ve completely given up now. I’m down to my last $800 and really don’t care to plan for when it runs out. I just don’t care. I’m done.

  • Caitlin

    I wake up every day and feel like I’m in the same fog. I have no hope for the future. I feel lost and empty. I try to fill the space by constantly buying clothes and I just moved back out of my parents but I feel the same. Now I have 2 roomates to deal with, when really I’m not social at all. But living at home, I feel like people noticed it more in me and I didn’t want them catching on. Itleast when I isolate in my new place, they don’t notice. I also just took on a second job and am trying to date again after my boyfriend/fiance passed away a year ago. I’ve always felt this way to some extent but this seems extreme. Irelated to almost every single bullet note at the top of this page. Guilt has taken over my entire life. I focus on every single mistake I’ve ever made every single day. Sometimes it gets to the point where I feel like I can’t take it anymore.

  • Fakename

    I am terrified. I am just scared. Terrified of the thought of being depressed, because I’m fairly sure I am. Terrified of telling someone. Terrified of pills and therapy. I want this nightmare to be over. That’s what it is. A nightmare. Everywhere I look for help I see ‘talk to someone’. I can’t.

  • Fakename

    Depression is having your feet glued to the ground while everyone in your life is sprinting ahead. Wanting to call ‘wait up!’ but you don’t have the courage, and when you find that courage, they are too far out of earshot to hear you call them. When the glue hardens, they have all left you far behind.

  • Fakename

    I don’t know if I am depressed. I am 13 in an all boys school. I have a very little amount of friends. Up to five on a good day. I can’t understand why people don’t like me. I haven’t been invited to someone else’s house in months. People use lame excuses to avoid coming to my house. I regularly cry and think “why me?”. My friends from when I was younger have slowly drifted away from me. I am very jumpy and nervous. I break into a sweat if I have to read in front of the class. I am extremely self conscious. I am always tired. Confusion overwhelms me. I can’t talk to anyone about this. I constantly wish I was ‘normal’. I looked up symptoms of depression on about 10 websites and most show the same ones. I display seven out of twelve symptoms. I feel stupid and pointless but I never consider suicide. Headaches. Lots of headaches. Homework makes me want to cry. I am going skiing next week and I am not excited. The world seems flat and I don’t think I will ever amount to anything. For a strange reason I have a fear of getting cancer. I have had this dream many times of me getting cancer and dying but nobody -even in my family- cares or even notices. I need help but can’t ask. My best friend lives far away from me and the only way I can talk to her is on snapchat. I recently got rejected for a part in a short movie I auditioned for. I do acting and I really wanted this part. I thought I was the perfect part. A boy in my drama class got the part. I was friends with him but now all I feel towards him is intense anger. I want to type my feelings for ever because I would be able to. I have slight ocd also. All of these feelings have come up in the last month or so.

  • tin

    I know this article was from a long time ago but I just want to say that I have been depressed all my teenage and adult life. I have been thru counselling & meds but they only work temporarily on me. Maybe because I don’t have any social group or friends to talk to about this. I also could not get support from my family. It is very difficult for me to go to work (or when I was still studying to go to school) because that meant I’m exposed to people. I also turn to food to comfort me. I know most people will say that I should exercise bec that’s going to make me feel better but it really doesn’t. It’s difficult to move around when I feel hollow inside; find it difficult to breathe because of constant anxiety; and when my eyes feel heavy that all I want to do is sleep and sleep and sleep.

  • magret

    I’ve read all your comments and understood how hard it was for you to face with depression. But I strongly believe that we can win in this fight. It is a life or missing out in life fight. And we have to rely on our own strength to win, because unfortunately, we live in a world where if you break your arm, everyone runs over to sign your cast, but if you tell people you’re depressed, everyone runs the other way. Keep it up!

  • aphrielle

    I experience almost everything you mentioned. I am afraid of interacting with people because I am scared that they will judge or criticize me. Things I used to enjoy ie. reading and movies cease to be enjoyable. I don’t think my existence is meaningful. I think I am a burden. I hate myself. My mind is a mess.

  • Mollie

    To me, depression isn’t sadness, it’s numbness. My depression gets worse almost every day, I don’t cry anymore. Sometimes the thoughts subside when I’m not alone, like when I’m with a friend, but when I’m alone again it hits me like a tidal wave. I’ve always struggled with depression, since I can remember. I was 7 when I first threatened suicide. I have never received help for my depression, instead I am shamed for it. I have to remind myself daily that my illness is not my fault, and in a way it is almost something to be proud of. I have an illness taking over my brain and my life and the fact that I get up every day and do things that others can do without second thought is a feat for me. My depression and anxiety got so bad I found myself unable to leave my room, my parents becoming angry at the mess I’d made, and them kicking me out between their two houses, which made me feel even more useless than I did before. I still haven’t decided to get help, I don’t know why. Even picking up the phone to make an appointment seems like a daunting task. I know I am the only one who can help myself and I know I need to do it soon before this disease further cripples me.

  • Carlos

    For me, depression includes a feeling that I shouldn’t be included in family events and such, being that I feel I’m worth so much less than everyone else. I’m not worthy of being a part of that. I feel I should just be alone from now on. I’m very uncomfortable around family and friends now. I feel like an outcast. Don’t let yourself fall into that… it’s a tough place to be.

  • Emma

    I used to have all of these symptoms. I was near ready to die after living this way for at least three years, but I found help and I am feeling much better now. Now I try to help myself in every way possible, but my depression is still something I struggle with. Does anyone know if depression every truly does go away? Is it something I will fight for the rest of my life? Is it a true illness? Is there a cure for it, a PERMANANT cure? Please answer, I really would like to know these things. Thank you!

  • mindy

    My depression has come to a point now, where I constantly feel almost a thick like feeling over my entire body and mind. Just trying to get out of bed is like trying to move 200 lbs of cement. I have two girls, age 13 and 5 and believe me when I say that I love them more then the air itself and will until eternity ends…but anything they do or say just gets under my skin and makes my blood boil. I want them close but I want them far away as well. Even doing the natural things as a mother is hard…laundry piled so high, dishes don’t get done Ever…I barely make it to the shower for myself…I lose and misplace everything in a house of nothing but unneeded clutter and mess. I cry on a dime. I rage easily. I can literally sit in a room for hours with nothing, no tv, no books and no music….my mind races so much that I can’t keep my focus on a Damn thing. I don’t know what to do. My kids deserve so much better then I can give them….but I cant leave em so I gotta find a way somehow to “fix” my problems…my ptsd…my a.d.d. My major depression and high social anxiety…can someone help me so I can help us??? Please???

    • K

      Mindy, I know your feeling. It’s hard. I feel lost, lonely, scared, sad all the time. Please know that you matter and you mean something very special to your kids. You are a good person, I know you are. The barriers that I feel, I know you also feel. It makes you feel so helpless inside. I know there’s hope. Stay positive.

  • K

    I think I may need help, but I really don’t know. I feel very lonely and sad all the time. I had a successful career and decided to leave a company after many years of working for them, to take a job with another company closer to my home in the community. I was established in my new role and involved in the community through my job, but After 2 years with this company I was laid off. Unable to pay my bills, and struggling financially, I looked and looked for another job. I took a job that was 100% commission. I am still struggling. I have two beautiful kids and a wonderful wife that I am trying to support but it has been soo hard. I constantly worry about my finances, stressed, never go out or do any of my hobbies anymore because I cannot afford to. I don’t hang out with friends, can’t afford to, I worry about my family all the time. I find myself tearing up and overwhelmed by tons of internal emotion all the time. I have no energy, no motivation, no drive. I feel like giving up, but I can’t. I can’t because I love my kids dearly. I don’t know what to do.

    Empty & Lonely

  • Ana

    I want to check my self in to crisis. I just feel like harming my self is the last thing I would do. I have small children and I have seen so many things and experience so many inappropriate things in my childhood. I watched my childhood friend get rape infront of me. I used to get touched by my moms uncles. My mother had a drinking problem and my father wasn’t around for the most part of my life. I had the strangest relationship with my mom and she often said I was the cause of her pain. Just imagine being a child and the only person who you thought is supposed to love you blames you for their unhappiness. I’m so destroyed that at 14 years I ventu out in the streets trying to find Love it acceptance. I was always teased in school because of the clothes I weared so I left school after getting jump by girls all the time and being called a slut and hoe when I was still a virgin. I ran away from home after meeting a guy who seem to care about me. He began to beat me and lock me in closets after him. All I kept bumping into were woman beaters. I had my first baby in a domestic relationship I tried running away but I was too afraid that I might lose my life. My family will never understand I don’t like talking about nothing because they are so judge mental and they might think I just want attention. I don’t want to talk to nobody in my family or friends nothing means nothing to me and I’m going through a break up where once again there was some domestic and verbal violence. I love my kids and this why I’m leaving this man but it hurts me so much because I’m going to be alone again. But he don’t understand that I’m sick and when he cheated on me last year I still can’t trust him. The relationship is toxic. I want the best for my kids and I do anything for them. But it suck not being able to get up from bed and dragging through out the hole day trying to make things right.

    • K

      Please talk to someone and get help. There is hope. I am so sorry to hear about your past experiences and hope that you know, that even though people like me do not know you, we still care. We care about you and your life matters so much to us and more importantly, to your kids. Be strong and never give up. It sounds like you are a strong person, even though you are going through really hard feelings insides that makes you feel weak. Hang in there and be the strong person that you are. Take each day one day at a time and be there for your kids and yourself. You are a very important person in this journey we all call life.

  • emma

    I feel alone. Lonely even when surrounded by other’s. I am 32 but I feel like a lost child. I feel deprived of love even though I am.married with children. I am full of guilt and self loathing constantly. I am fearful that.something bad may happen to me or loved ones Often. I don’t laugh much anymore, I rarely smile. Other people I find irritating. I can’t be happy for anyone else. I feel that I have bad luck all of the time.all I want to do is cry myself to sleep day and.night even the job I loved I now dread.I feel a failure and I have lost all of my confidence. I am.paranoid about other people. This is how I feel and.I am assuming it’s possibly depression now as it’s gone on for about a year.

  • happy

    Depression feels likes your mind is blank or more like shrouded by a veil and or murky cloud (hard to explain, like something is blocking your face) and if you try hard to think something, it is then filled with things and ideas that paralyzes you to make any decision and yet you dont understand why it paralyzes you and you usually forgot why you started thinking in the first place.

    you are not motivated to do anything not even things that you find enjoyable like watching your favorite TV show, listening to your favorite music,

    the simple tasks of switching the TV/musicplayer is an irratating chore that usually discourage you to even try

    you dont even know how or even wanted to decide wether to just go to sleep or just stare blankly on the ceiling/wall.

    You dont wish to be alive or to be happy anymore but neither wish to be dead. you just wanted to simply disappear. never existed in the first place

  • Brian

    I am in college and I have been diagnosed with major depression. I cant live a normal life because of it. I think I would be better off dead, but I don’t want to leave my mom. I feel worthless and meaningless. I have no friends and no one to talk to so im hoping this helps a little. I am so bored with life and I feel so sad all the time. I wake up every day with the same empty feeling. whats the point? not sure how much longer I can take this

    • Brenda

      I feel your pain. I don’t know how much longer I can take this feeling. I finally ended my almost 30 year marriage. We always fought. But never would leave eachother. It wasn’t healthy at all.
      Now we’ve been broken up for 3 years this month. Divorced for under a year. But I still can’t see myself without him. Although many time he reminds me why I did this.
      I know I was depressed when we were together, but having my family together kind of gave me meaning. Now it is like a slam dunk with depression. I can’t get out of it at all. Nothing makes me happy. I’m with a sweet guy now but if I were ever unemployed he couldn’t support me. So I’m sutck in a career that I’ve hated all my life. I often wonder what i would be happy doing. Nothing seems to make me happy.
      I’m constantly scared of failure. Constantly worried that I’m going in the right direction.
      Yes I would LOVE to end my life but the thought of it scares me too.
      I can’t think of a darn thing that makes me happy.
      I think my parents go to church, my sister goes as well. They are still together as a family. But when I really think about it, my parents have split up sooooo many times, been divored, remarried, split up again. Constantly. I visit my sister’s house and they are always yelling and getting onto eachother.
      But in the end they still have eachother.
      I miss having my family together. I hate that I did this. It seems my whole world has gone done, away. Nothing left for me to live for.
      And I hate to say that, I’d hate for my boyfriend to hear that. Because I mean the world to him. But on the sad note on that relationship, I found he visits porn sites. So that’s a big hitter for me. That’s not the kind of relationship I want to be in. He said he does have a problem, he loves sex.
      So what am I to do?
      I’m questioning my relationship with him, my family is apart because I made a choice to break up a marriage that wasn’t healthy, I hate my job and don’t know what job would make me happy, I’m severly depressed. So WTF do I do?
      I constantly think of dying. That is my only way out of feeling worthless, useless, unhappy and confused.

  • Bobbi

    I have never read an article that so accurately describes my depression. I have every single one of those symptoms. I have an enormous amount of anxiety, and a lot of it is social. I’ve been dealing with it for most of my life, and I’m nearly 40. I’ve tried medications but no real success in managing this.

    I feel like I walk around saying really dumb things and people think I’m an idiot because I can’t express myself well and I stutter a bit on certain words. My hands shake and I get very nervous in front of people (WHY do people think it’s appropriate to say “You should have more confidence”? UGH as if this is about confidence or is a choice!) I could spend hours just staring at the wall and doing anything else requires a huge, exhausting effort. I have shut out people in my life because I’m so embarrassed about this. I don’t sleep well and it makes my anxiety worse, in an endless cycle. I pretty much just lie around in bed on weekends because I don’t care about anything anymore. I don’t know what to do and it does make me feel like I can’t keep doing this for another 3-4 decades. It is so hard and no one seems to understand. I wanted to share my story because I’ve been reading others’ and it’s been good to know at least I’m not alone.

    • Brenda

      I totally understand. I just want to stay in bed all weekend, and during the week when I’m not at work. And if I didn’t have to go to work I wouldn’t.
      It sure ins embarrassing feeling this way. I try to hide it from my boyfriend and family. But it comes out once in a while. I was holding it in and just, again bothered my sister with it. She and her family probably think I’m so stupid for constantly feeling this way. I try not to tell her cause I’m afraid of how they think of me.

  • Mike

    I’ve been depressed for about half a year. My ex of three years left me it was my first real relationship so I get lost a lot. I usually stay up all night, I sleep for about 12 hours and I never want to do anything. I often think at times I’d rather be dead than to feel this way its tuff. I often try to play video games to keep my mind off things but I often come back to horrible thoughts. Its been too long I should be over things but I feel like its never going to stop.

    • Brenda

      I totally understand. But I was the one to break off a nearly 30 year marriage. Just cause I knew it wasn’t healthy. I have regrets from it. I broke that off, lost my job, sold my house and was sexually assaulted by a ‘friend’ inbetween. That all happened within a span of 6 months.
      On top of empty next syndrom when my daughter moved out.
      They say all that each takes year to get over. So that’s what, 5 things. It’s been 3 years. And to tell you the truth I don’t think it will ever get better for me.

  • Adriana

    I barely leave the house.
    I’ve left probably two or three times in the past 2 months.
    I go to bed at really late hours watching netflix or tv just to have something to look forward to. I’m starting to get bored of those too.
    I was living vicariously through tv shows and movies but they don’t have the same affect anymore.

    I wake up way after noon. Sometimes at 5 pm or 6 I’m rolling out of bed.
    I get into fights with my parents because I’m not doing anything with my life.

    I keep thinking I’m going to get up tomorrow and finally do something. But then think whats the point.

    The few times I have gone out in public I have thought “whats the point? Why is everyone doing what they’re doing its not important?”
    I question what is important? Or what the point in things are.

    I try to be productive to get out of bed/ I think just a cup of coffee. A cup of coffee will get me going. It doesn’t.
    I can’t make myself do anything.

    Today it took me three hours to decide to get up off the couch and do my laundry that I’ve been putting off this whole week.

    I think back to how things were 3 months ago and cry because even though these thoughts were slowly creeping in at least I was doing something. At least I was going through the motions. At least I was trying to fight it off.
    But now I’m not.
    I don’t know how to.
    And I know my life isn’t that hard. A college kid. Living off her parents at age 19 going on 20. But right now I just can’t seem to figure out how to do anything. I don’t even know whats truly wrong.

    I’ve always been a semi pessimistic person. But at least then I wanted things. I worked towards things. I can’t. I used to be high functioning. I used to go to school, play lacrosse, study, participate in my sororities activities, party on the weekends. Then everything suddenly started feeling so pointless. To the point where I was forcing my self to do these things. But now I can’t. I can’t even really even tell my friends at school whats wrong. They’ve all been living life without me the past couple of weeks. While I’m sitting at home a blur where everyday is the same.

    I just have this huge pressure building up in my chest. If I think about it to much I just start to hyperventilate.

  • Nick

    I feel like everything has lost meaning. i dont connect with people anymore, and feel as tho everyone else sees the world through a different filter than i. getting out of bed is hard, and i drag my feet through my days.

    i feel like my chest is condensed, and i get this sinking feeling a lot.

    i tend to get lost in thoughts about death, and weather living is worth the struggle. i constantly wonder if i will ever be happy again.

    time feels grosly distorted and lasts forever longer than it should, and my bed feels like my only remaining source of comfurt.

  • Kayley

    I think i might be depressed, i’ve been bullied through school, i am not confident at all, i cry all the time at nothing,i also get angry very easily, i get anxious around lots of people and feel uncomfortable around lots of people..

  • Murr

    When I was a kid I had a lot of imaginary friends, for me depression is characterized by one of them having mutated into this dark person(I imagine he is attractive enough looking but I can’t see his features) always standing behind me. He looks at everything I do or say(I have a slight stutter also) and comments on how terrible I did and whatg a failure I am. He looks at everything I do and say and comments on it and when I think anything positive he can’t help but snidely say whats the point.

    I’ve had depression before and I know what he is doing. He is trying to wear me down so that the statements about how happy everyone would be without me and on the best way to kill myself will work and I’m fighting the battle to block him out.

    I should clarify “he” isn’t real or even feel real. “He” is the part of my mind that is the depression. I just had imaginary friends for so long that the easiest way for me to understand my depression I think is to imagine it as some terrible entity that only you can sense.

  • Auburn

    I’m not really sure if I’m suffering from depression, but its like, for example, I used to absolutely LOVE animals and nature and the outdoors, I used to think of them as understanding me almost, but lately it’s as if they are sort of just… There. They are lifeless, I don’t find the same exhilarating joy in them that I used to. And even though I’ve told my friends a lot about me I feel like they don’t understand me at all. There are some days I have had to take entire days off of school because I couldn’t wake my self up. I keep being really nasty to my parents, even though I don’t mean to it sort of like I just “wake up” and realize I’m yelling at them for no apparent reason. I keep finding myself thinking about what the point of life is. I’m not contemplating suicide, I swear, I just feel a lot this need to escape. To be someplace else. I feel like I’m trapped inside a Petri dish or something and I’m desperate to get out and be free. I don’t know if this is depression, or what but Im just super confused right now…

  • blank man

    So lost in my head. Yet it doesn’t feel like its mine anymore. So much waiting for the good while the bad keeps pulling me under the sheets. Not suicidal, not anything.. Just lost in this never ending deep sea of longing for something more.

  • Helen

    Whenever I’m alone I often have self destructive thoughts and feelings of hopelessness. I often feel that everything I do ends in failure and that life is meaningless. Sometimes I cry when I think of sad thoughts and I can’t stop. I try to cheer myself up but I always seem to shuffle between hope and despair. Whenever I’m with others its different. I don’t want to seem vulnerable and weak and even to myself, I hate my own vulnerability and my despair.

  • Shelby

    It’s insidious. It slowly creeps into every caveat of your consciousness and robs you of all that is good in life. You still see your friends, but you’re not really there. Nothing they say sinks in. You watch TV, but they’re just images flashing on a screen. You eat, but only because you have to. The food tastes stale, it feels heavy on its way down. A sunny day has a muted blue tint, the vibrancy of the day is gone.

    Sometimes you cry. Other times you just feel painfully lonely. Most of the time, you’re just fighting to hang on. You start forgetting simple things at work, and your boss is starting to catch on. Work is your only reprieve, but you just want to go home and rot. You want to pull the cover up over your head until the pain stops. Until you’re normal again.

  • Dan

    I think we sll suffer from depression to some extent, at some point(s) in our lives, but this past number of months (or years, because I don;t know when it started) I just have a general feeling of being barely under the surface of calm, ie., at any moment I get really angry about something simple and just burst through. On top of all that, I frequently feel that if I was to be told I was terminally ill, or was to be hit by a serious accident / ilness, I would like to have a tattoo that says “Don not resuscitate”, because I really have just got to the point that I don’t actually ‘Feel” for anything anymore. It as if if I wake up in the morning, then fine. If I don’t, then fine. I can clearly rationalize this and know that nothing is THAT bad in my life ( in fact I now I have it pretty good) BUT that DOES NOT detract from how I FEEL. Does any of that make sense to anyone? Should I seek help, and if so, from whom? Thanks.

    • LazerGater

      What you describe sounds like the beginning of my depression. The numbness. Had I realized then that the numbness-the ‘fine if ya do, find if a don’t’ feeling you were talking about- was a symptom of worse things to come, I would have talked to some one as soon as I recognized the feeling.

  • Norman Pimlott

    I put it down to getting old (61) my left foot feels like it is burning, my right foot hurts when I stand on it, my knees ache, the tinnitus is driving me mad ! One or all of the above is preventing me from sleeping, alcohol helps, but I know this is not the answer ! I am constantly thirsty, bad tempered, easily irritated, hard to live with, hate my job, and myself even more…
    A recent program on the TV got me to look at depression, which brought me to your site, I relate to a lot of what is written above, though I haven’t openly contemplated suicide, I have felt that I was ready to die, I wasn’t afraid of dying, if anything I would welcome it ! It is a good thing I have friends and relatives, whom I feel I would hurt if I were to go, that seems the only lifeline to cling to…
    And now I have admitted all this I want to cry, is that in shame or as a relief that I have been able to say it ? Thankyou

  • teardrop

    Most days I feel as thoew I could shoot my self .But in the same rescept I have so much I love and I’m am thank full for I cry oftern to my self but don’t no why .I put a smile on so nobody now’s how thought it is .I don’t ever wanna hurt anyone and there are so many that depend on me so I keep my head up I’m so loyal and alwAys try to do what right for people around me I just don’t no why I alwAys have that feeling .what ever go right! Worthy of the good. I am but it always feels lime I’m shoveling shut against the tied .

  • Geet

    I always feel like bored. I don’t want to be alone but at the same time I don’t want to meet anyone. Happy people scares me. when I talk I feel like I m doing wrong so I should shut up. I hear Eco of my words in my head for hours, may be days. I can’t let go things. I have no idea what make me feels good.

  • Jaycee

    Its been here for awhile i havent been abel to get rid of it fully. Im always angry for no reasons sometimes i have a lot of mood swings. I have every now and then been know to be suicidal but i think what helped me come out of it a little was the people i was around even though you have people around you its like you dont really want to be there or you feel like you have to be there or do that. I tried and succeeded at hiding it for many years from when i was 13-15 and then my parents found out about my thought of offing myself or overdosing on things. I was not doing good in school but then i moved and the beginning of my junior year i started becoming depressed again like i couldnt do anything right so why bother attitude. I still struggle with it every now and then but i try to stay positive but its hard but i do and its like that takes so much work to do that i was losing sleep i was experiencing thoughts of drinking to the point i pass out. But i think what helped be is having people there and know you like you know yourself. I think also finding something to help you get your mind off it is a big help find something that works for you.

  • Clarence

    I havent really felt anything in a few weeks. Its not that I’ve been extremely sad but its just I havent felt truly happy in a long time. I get easily agitated by my girlfriend and family. I love them of course but its hard to put on that positive face all the time. Just sucks that I cant even talk to my girlfriend about it she would think im over thinking it. What do I have to do to feel again?

  • mike

    That is very well enumerated list. Thanks for that.

    I can add after nearly 20 years of constant depression and anxiety(and seizures, it all crashed down on me 20 years ago this month) it does get better, even though it might never go away. Really.

    I still hate being around anyone other than my kids and grandkids which is just fine.

    Other than that, someone might describe me as hollow or dead inside, but I disagree.

    Depression feels comfortable and warm, like a nice blanket on a cold night. I love that feeling.

    Depression has become my best friend and is a good one, probably the best friend I have ever had.

    It is just how you look at it.

    It was really hard the first few years. Fell apart, marriage toast, blah blah blah. I really fell apart and realized that constantly talking about it twisted me up, although I didn’t realize how twisted I had become. A week in the hospital gave me my epiphany. What I realized is that I needed to purposely brake away from my shrink, including stopping meds. I did this until my anxiety became too much to handle on my own(I never drink alcohol or take drugs I don’t have a prescription), which took about 10 years for it to become unmanageable.

    During that time I got a lot of self-awareness. I realized that I will never, ever be able to date and after acceptance I wonder why I ever bothered. Such a waste of time and energy. I also realized that I don’t need or want any friends. All of a sudden I had so much free time and was relaxing.

    I wouldn’t give up my kids or grandkids for anything. When I am around them is the only time I truly smile.

    During this time, I went back to school and got my BS and MS all while having severe depression, it is just I didn’t notice it as much. Just like my headaches, pain that used to knock me off my feet I barely notice.

    Of course, in my field the job interviews are conducted over 2-5 days and I guess it is noticeable and never got hired despite graduating with honors and other awards and many references.

    Which is fine, I can do freelance work over the internet and never have to interact with anyone other than email. So it is win-win.

    Of course I am lucky enough to be a highly rated disabled vet so even without work, I can get by, barely. Which again is fine. I have no real needs or desires that cost any real money anyway.

    Of course, at the end of my MS program my anxiety and depression hit record lows forcing me back to a shrink. I have learned to not tell them much other than basic stuff and report side-effects. I learned the hard way that saying too much gets you tossed into the mental ward, which is not fun.

    I am incredibly difficult to treat, always have been. I have tried every SSRI, SNRI in existence and am at least able to sleep with remeron(NASSA)which is valuable to me since my sleep is really bad off it.

    It does nothing for my depression and little for my anxiety, Klonopin helps with that. My shrink wants to put me on antipsychotics and I am refusing. Benztropine(taken to get rid of restless legs from remeron) caused a mild but painful gynocamastica, no noticeable growth thank goodness. I was on venlafaxine which caused permanent tinnitus. I also tried risperidone, a very low dose that I handled for 2 days, I stopped because it felt like one more would kill me.

    I do hear voices but I am not psychotic nor schizophrenic so why take those powerful drugs?

    That is my one real piece of advice. Do lots of research and don’t let your shrink bully you into something you don’t want to do.

    Of course, if you find a course of meds that works with no or minor side-effects, keep on taking them. Everyone reacts different. I am just ultra-sensitive to psychotropics.

    The point of this is not to convince you to stay depressed. If you can escape it please do and be grateful. But if you can’t, life really does go on and you learn to live with it and accept it and it becomes a new normal that is livable and even very comfortable.

    Good luck, chin up and you can get through it one way or another. I am proof of that.

  • Ashley

    I wake up on a daily basis and feel unhappy with life.
    Ever since my brother left 4 1/2 years ago, something about me hasn’t been the same. I’ve been going to the same school for the last 4 1/2 years and I am completely miserable. I sit at lunch alone. I hate talking to people. I can give the best advice, but not take it. I always think about how much nicer it would be if I just ended it now.. I have a guard up that I can’t seem to let down. I feel so alone.. I feel like no one understands.. I feel like I can’t tell anyone that I’ve tried to kill myself because they’ll just look at me crazy. Ive blocked everyone that I care about out. I’m miserable with life. I feel hopeless. Like nothing will ever change. I just want to be happy again. I don’t see that happening.
    Everything that once made me the happiest, I feel no emotion towards anymore.

    • Mike

      I can somewhat relate to how your feeling. My Girlfriend of three years left me last year and ever since then I have felt miserable. I never want to do anything and life just feels like a constant pain. I also block out my family and friends. I often find myself lost and just don’t see the point of life. I’ve thought of suicide a lot but is it worth it? I often think tomorrow is a new day you never know what’s going happen your life could flip and you could be completely happy. I’m no expert with depression and I’m not good at taking advice either but isn’t it worth living it out just in case you actually turn out to be happy?

  • Mama2015

    The only thing that keeps me from taking a handful of pills is the thought of leaving my grown children with the pain. Their father shot himself when they were young and I know they were devastated that he chose to leave us. I feel hopeless and find it a struggle to exist but hang on to life because I can’t leave them alone.

  • shifra

    I am exhausted, 53 years old, not going to kill myself but life just feels too hard, am in lots of physical pain that wont quit, poor sleep cant keep friends feel like no one reallly cares anymore, i call people but they dont call me back. I hate how negative i am. i have tried so many things, church, 12 steps all kinds of holistic stuff etc no go.i get my hopes up and then am down again, i cant forgive people or myself for how i have lived, just endless losses i hate where i live and i am just so disappointed in myself, i am a poet artist writer musician, but i cant seem to make my life work. people are sick of me and so am i. i am not interested in taking more drugs for depression so if you have that suggestion i dont want it. i would feel better if i felt my life had some purpose but it seems no one is interested in me or what i have to offer.

  • deepak

    Worse!!! hate life …. In my office days I’m always alone while people around me always hang out in cafeteria … Hate this … Couldn’t express I can’t go and mingle with people fear of getting bullied .. Fear of people … Feeling so worse when people are around me sometimes .. The thing in my office is there is no work .. So the oblivious option is get social enjoy without work hangout in cafeteria ..I can’t do this .. I goto cafe sit all alone in a corner place feel worse wen everyone’s happy around me comfortable with their friends while I cry inside and eat my food … Hate life .. Couldn’t express

  • Ella

    Hi. I think I may have depression. Others have subtly asked me about it and how I’ve been ‘feeling’ lately.
    I’m almost [doing] all of the things this article describes!!!
    I’m not asking for attention, but honestly how can I stop this. I’m afraid it might escalate into something bigger. I also have extreme anxiety, especially around others – which I fear might stop me from getting the things I want from life. And you only live life once. (unless Reincartnation is a possibility :3)
    I just want to be happy, like I used to be when I was a small kid. Although I also had huge crying fits those days… (Still do.) And I’m sick of crying my eyes out and being upset all the time, you know?

  • oak

    hello friends, although people are saying that most of the time depression causes without apparent reason, we all know it’s not true. there are definite reasons push us to here. the capacity of everyone is different and we had reached to our limit and thus all these started i guess.

    And yes, the world is cruel and they will not understand you but they will push you down more.

    people only understand when they have to go through the journey by themselves.

    It’s a shame on them and not on us.

    Like one of you said, let’s help others from where we are with what we can.

    i believe it will help us as well. hurting people are everywhere and most times these are on the inside.

    let’s be kind to whoever come across us.

    and though we do not want to move an inch, let’s try to be in routines by doing what we need to do.

    May the favour of the Lord shine on each and everyone of you and His Healing Hands be upon you.

    i pray you all will be able to overcome this most difficult times in your life and be happy and joyful again together with your loved ones.

    fighting!!!

  • jules

    i feel lifes a chore i pick arguments to drive people away, i feel no one needs,wants,or loves me, i feel people are using me and thats why they visit, i go out rarely but ehen i do i have suicidal thoughts that scare me, im awaiting therapy but its a long waiting list. trivial problems are magnified and i am unable to make sense of them i am unable to concentrate everythings a struggle or fight to carry on

  • sean

    I also noticed in myself i tend to just use sex as a way to feel better i feel when someone makes me feel sexy for the 5 minutes i feel better but once i start thinking i ruin everything ! I never stay home im always on the go drinking and smoking i havent stayed home in 3/4 years and im 16 i feel like i have no family i dont get close to anyone i love to make other people feel like s*** because i feel like s***. Im just a really mean person when im sad or angry i just lock up and think and when someone disturbs my thinking i just snap on them i really cant control it

  • sean

    I have mood swings really bad i never know why im angry or sad. I think tooo much majority of my time is thinking about bad experiences or what someone has done to me i always feel left out or like the one who noone really cares about. I have a had time trusting people. I always have a vision of me on my death bed just apologizing to my family and friends for just being so evil. I tried so hard to be a better person but noone will ever understand i just really feel like if i wasnt here life for others would be great. I cant get help because no one ever fully understands and im too ashamed alot of my sadness comes from my thinking i think too much and conjure up stuff

  • TIFF

    I went through treatment a couple of times and still want to go yet every time the school calls my mom to take me for more treatment she yells at me that it’s my fault they keep on suggesting it, but the thing is I do want help but am afraid to ask her now. I’ve got most of my depression under control except the part where I don’t love anyone and rely on buying stuff for short happiness, panic attacks and isolation. Anyways, she thinks I don’t need treatment anymore so I don’t know what to do.

  • Christina

    I feel hollow. I feel as if not one person in my life is concerned how I feel about anything. I feel like people don’t like me.I feel ugly and not up to anyone standards.I can’t talk to the person I want most to because he will get mad. I think he thinks I am asking him to fix it all but I am not. I feel used and took advantage of. I think that if I can’t keep other happy all the time then they will be mad at me, well they are.That one it’s reality. My seven year old says I am no fun.I think things like the reason my husband did not go to his company Christmas party was because he didn’t want to take me. 1

  • bob

    Just can’t be bothered.Don’t want to go out,ever.Always feel tired and the only thing I have is a job which can be a bit of a struggle.All I want to do is sleep.I would like to sleep all the time if I could.Sometimes when I wake up I feel better.People annoy me.Generally.Although I am wrong because not all people are bad.Keep telling myself this.Find I can’t trust people anyway and I don’t.

  • Meesh

    I had an okay day at work today. I had a couple of glasses of wine immediately after work before going to my parents’ for dinner. When I got to my parents’, I noticed my mother had cooked cabbage, ham, potato salad (her first time making it in twenty years and specifically for me), and Hawaiian rolls. I jokingly started complaining about how I didn’t want ham but then something inside of me took over and started yelling at her that I didn’t want such garbage after a long work day. My mother turned her head away, yet I could see tears in her eyes forming. I quickly told her I was just kidding and ate the meal and complimented her on it as I was finished. Here I am, nine hours later, in the middle of the night lying awake in bed only thinking about how bad I treated my mother and how horrible she must’ve felt. I hate myself for making her feel like that after she went through all that trouble to prepare a meal especially for me. The tears in her eyes will not leave my mind. Three years ago, I was backing out of the driveway on a rainy day on the way to work. I turned my head back around one time to wave goodbye to my mother before I drove off only to see her on the ground. She was attempting to pick up some ferns she had put out to get water from the rain. As she slowly stood up, she had the same tears in her eyes, like a little girl that had been lost in a large department store. There was no way I could go to work with her in that condition. I helped her inside and to the couch and made her a juice and put on whatever TV show she wanted to see. These tears she shed today make me feel like I have done the most despicable act by disrespecting her and insulting her meal for me. I apologized to her in a text later in which I received no reply. I want to know what made me lash out at her like that and in turn has made me feel lower than ever. I want to stop doing this to my family and loved ones. I don’t like being this person.

    • secret

      at age 19
      to all others who suffer,
      I seriously hope you get better one of the worst things that can happen to you
      cant even express myself properly because… because i cant
      feeling a little shy even writing this..

  • Ann

    I always said if i ever lose my dad i would lose it and end up in pine rest little did i know that when i suddenly lost him i would be forced to stuff all my feelings down and take care of my addict mom and young children,with out him i will never be me again im not no more real happiness all fake forced smiles. Then a big bomb im pregnant soi have to stop all my antidepressants ind i fall deep deepy depression and anxiety so sickso depressed i wonder if other pregant people think the horrable things im thinking all i do is cry, on 6-12 12 i had my third a c section and a beautiful perfect little girl. This i thought had to be what would bring me outta this debilitating depresion and anxiety sadly tthings only got worse she is 2 now and still i can’t shower hardly get out of bed evrry bit of my strength gos to makeing that little girl takin care of well i fight the darkness every day every night helplessness hopelessness every day is a fight even on 80mg of prozac,1mg of kalonapin 3times a day 300mg nuraton and ambian5mg i have high blood pressure and hi colestral that i ignore the best i can but the saddness and worry overwhelm my life 🙁

  • ball and chain

    (reposted because I couldn’t edit the other one) I get thoughT’s that attack my self esteem and identity, even when I’m successful or close to it my mind trying to sabatauj it. I just want to die all the time but I resliced how hard it is to actually kill yourself. I so tired I just want to die.

  • ball and chain

    I get disturbing thoughts that cause me that pretty much attack my self esteem and identity to the point where I just want to take my belt of and find some place where I can use it to hang myself.

  • jyoti

    i dnt knw frm where i should strt i m a ng teenager i m juzz getting irritating of my life i cnt explain my self to any one i used to get upset esily i m confused of my self what i m as i m living in a nrml family but it seems to me tht nobody undrsstnd me if some time i try to explain my self i cnt my frnds family nobody undrstnd me at the point of tym i m alone siting somewhere n nobody bothers its i m just irrited n upset n ndnt knw wht to do how to i dnt nthing simthing i feel i m totly mad dtn knw wht o do where to go

  • Ray

    My wife left me almost 15 years ago and I realize now that I think it broke my heart so much I got PTSD now I drink so much on top of pain pills and Xanax that I don’t know what keeps me alive I have embarrassed myself in front of my children and that’s what kills me most of all I’m just waiting for the day and my children have already told me that they expect to get a call one day to that I’m gone ….. I have tried to find someone to love me like I once loved my wife and she loved me but it just can’t happen and now I am set in my ways so much that I don’t care anymore and I guess I can’t wait ….. They are so much more to the story but it will never be towed life is hard and people change 🙂

  • Lily

    I always feel so sad and regretful when I see my family, regret that I’ve never been close to them and sad because I know how much my death would probably affect them. Even though I know this, I still think about suicide daily. I can never forget I’m depressed, it feels like there’s a hole in my chest, sucking up all my energy and positive emotions. I’m always physically and emotionally exhausted. I can lay on my bed for hours.
    I have social anxiety, and am too scared to ask anyone for help, even though I know I need it. I hope others get the help they need, it’s horrible to think others go through this too.

  • maddie

    hi, I’m not sure if I am depressed. maybe I don’t know. I don’t want to be I fear of being, but could someone tell me? about a month ago I just felt lonely and down all day. Getting up for school was so hard I didn’t want to get up and have to fake a smile again. have you ever felt tired? like emotionally, mentally, and physically drained? because thats how I feel. and my body feels so tense like I can’t replax. I wake up every night just laying there but having to turn my tv up so loud I can’t hear my rambling thoughts. I don’t like to tell people my feelings I get too scared but it’s sad no one can even notice. lately over Christmas break it has been better. I can now laugh and hangout with friends where it used to be I would leave early because I just couldn’t stay much longer and I would never go to high school football games because I just wanted to be alone. but still, I still lay here a 7:12 in the morning with 3 hours of sleep sad and lonely.

  • Melly

    Most of the time it feels like…nothing. I feel like a hollow shell. I feel like a bore, I feel like I’m just better off alone. When I think about the future- nothing comes to mind. There is nothing I strive for, nothing I live for. I have no one to talk to. I’ve pushed away from the few friends I had, I don’t want to even bother. Every social interaction just feels like a chore… Yet at the same time I want to talk to someone. I wish I had a friend. But when I started counseling, I ended that after a couple sessions…It was just got way too personal too fast. Its my brother’s baby shower in a couple weeks, and I just don’t even want to go… I haven’t seen him in a few years and I feel as though they’re all just better off without me in their lives.

  • Spetrov

    I see a lot of comments describing how do they feel. Tired, agonic, suffering, they cry..
    I can only say that this probably is the closest feeling to death. You don’t live, you just.. exist. Just like a dead body.

  • Mark

    My head feels clouded and it is hard to think. Making decisions, even simple ones fills me with anxiety and I feel unable to make the “right” decision. Socializing with others I feel unable to be myself, it all feels fake and extremely uncomfortable, I am just doing it to maintain relationships even though I feel that the way I am acting is extremely transparent because I can’t connect with people in the same way I can when I am not depressed.

    I go through mood swings and my depression usually lasts 3-4 days at a time. Then I feel normal for awhile, then really good and then things fall apart again. I have been able to reach more stable moods in the past but it seems I can’t maintain it and it always comes back to this.

    I find it hard to talk to people about it because people either become uncomfortable with the subject or they don’t really believe me. Work is a nightmare when I feel this way because I am in a leadership position and it is very difficult to lead properly in this state and I feel like I am letting my team down and also that they see me as an idiot. I want to just sleep and not work and eat and not have to talk to anyone else ever. But then things get so boring. I wish I could reprogram myself to just be a healthier person.

  • sera

    I don’t think my pain is anything. I din’ do self harm, I’m not sucidal. I don’t hate life, nothing. my pain is worthless. so many people have it worse then me, yet i feel pain. me who has most likle the best lief in the world, hurt I don’t deserve help. The facti hurt is proff I am a selfish bitch. I have everything, love, money. everything.
    Sometimes i don’t feel pain, i can be happy ascan be. forgetting that there is pain. So i know my pain is nothing. just me wanting attention, moer off it tha is all it is. me wanting more attention.
    Triggers, random at point. today it was seeing consept art after a movie. tommarrow a blanket. another day a laugh. maybe eve just thnking to myself. triggeres set me off thinking about myself. from there i ry. but so much i feel nothing.
    I don’lt have depression, i am not in pain. my pain is nothing. peopleare out there who o acually feel pain. I don’t. I lament over myself when it is nothing.
    My parets state all teen go through the “nobody nderstnads me” phase. that’s all this is. me being ahorrible selfish bitch. i shouldn’t even be posting this. I don’t have pain.

    I love art. I lve magic.
    magic isn’t real, my art is the only way to make it real
    My art requires the real world.my art is my escape from it. but to improve it i have to draw the real world. I have to rui my ony saftey from it. the painful reallity. i can’t therore my art will be nthing. nothing at all. It’s my escape. yet now I can’t have i

  • Meraia

    I just turned 23 a week ago.
    For almost 3 months I have been battling with depression and anxiety.
    I had another battle with it when I was 18-19 and slowly came out of it when I was 20.
    Things I feel like are or could be awful in my past keeps haunting me. Every lie since I was a child, every thought that was bad.
    I know the bible says God loves me and forgives, and I try really hard to believe it. But I wake up every morning with my heart hurting and feeling like God hates me. I feel like I’m glued to the couch right now when I should already be on my way to work.
    I told my parents what I felt what I did was awful and they said that it wasn’t and the devil is just making it worse.
    I’m supposed to go on a year long missions trip this July. But I feel like God disposes me.
    I know suicide is awful but it pops in my mind every single day.
    Everyone wants the carefree happy Meraia back…and I do too…but she feels so far away. I feel horrible about feeling horrible.
    I feel like I’m fighting for my life.
    It really hurts. My brain feels like it’s stinging, my muscles ache, I can’t concentrate. I either eat too little or too much. But I don’t want to be put on drugs.
    I am trying my best to trust in Jesus. It’s just super hard right now.
    Depression runs in my family. I have never wanted to believe it could affect me but here I am, down deep self-loathing…wanting to die but wanting to live at the same time.
    I just want to sleep.
    It’s hard to believe you still have purpose and a new chance when you feel like you have done unforgivable things.
    I am fighting. But it’s hard.

  • Sami

    It so awful, no matter what…I think about things that make me sad and I’ll be in the ‘gloomy pissed off’mood the entire day. It seems like no one cares about me or my feelings, I feel so alone all the time. I think sometimes the world would be better without me. Then I think of my son and I could never do that to him. He is a real life saver. I don’t think I’d still be On this earth if not for him being born. He’s the only thing that makes me wanna get up in the morning.

  • laura

    I look inside my head and there is emptiness. Nothing I ever learned, thought, knew is there, and what I remember are all the mistakes, the people I hurt, the bad things I’ve done. I feel like a husk. Some gloss paint over a cracking figure. I feel like nothing will amount to anything. Recently I got engaged to the most amazing man, and that’s the worst because deep down I feel like I’ll destroy him, I’ll destroy our happiness and that what I’m doing is the ultimate selfish act. I feel ashamed of who I am. I’m just so tired of the struggle.

  • Me

    Lately people have been asking me what’s wrong a lot. Its mostly when I’m just sitting and thinking to myself that they ask….I guess I just look sad. I tell them I’m fine, but I feel sad all the time and I don’t know why. Most of the bullets above describe how I feel… I’ve lost interest in things I love doing, I’ve had some pretty morbid thoughts, I feel like everything is pointless, that all of it is just an act I’m putting on for my family and the rest of the world, smiling hurts, I’m never happy, loved ones irritate me easily, talking to people is exhausting and pointless, sometimes I just cry for no reason at all, I keep beating myself up for past mistakes, and everything feels forced on me… I’ve even developed a weird curiosity about death. Don’t know what could’ve caused it….I was bullied pretty bad by other kids my age less than a year ago so that might be it. Otherwise I don’t know.

  • Jk

    I am grateful to have found this site. Helps to read other’s entries … don’t feel quite so alone .. and you can pretty much share what you want/or need to share. Um .. one word … ok two … tired and exhausted. I’m sooooo tired and want to sleep forever. I older, at least 50 pounds overweight … feel gross, look gross. Marriage is shakey, job not so great. Bured in feelings of failure .. never finished college, never had a “career” so to speak of, two kids, divorced and remarried …. bankruptcy because of my first marriage, foreclosure because of the second. Dealing with empty nest .. feeling I let me kids down big time. Angry X robbed me of my motherhood. Sitting and working in an empty office the day after Christmas. Husband at work; didn’t get any cards out to family/friends; didn’t take cookies to my neighbors … usually do. Brothers called and left messages of holidy greating but I didn’t want to talk to anybody. Pretty much just want everyone to leave me be. Just want to sleep …. not happy with who I am .. nothing I accomplish is ever good enough for me. Tired of going to parties at church friends palacial mansions while I live in a modest house with hand-me-down furniture from my mother-in-law. Eh … just have no energy, living is a struggle and a drag .. just want to go to sleep and never wake up.

  • poop

    Feeling that “it’s too late” in life … you had your chance and it’s over … no way to redeem or recover from the past … waking up feels like a disappointment. ..

  • Sidney

    I cant get over any hurt in my life. I dwell on it all the time and its slowly killing me! I ache, i pop pills, i sleep, i cant do anything. I make myself go to work and put on a happy face but if only they knew what was benieth the surface of this “happy go lucky” girl they
    would freak! I cant live in my head anymore! Nobody would ever understand because they seem so happy with their life. I just want to pull the covers over my head and go to sleep forever. I hate everything about myself, i feel worthless because all the people in my life that has meant the most to me have hurt me and i dont know why! It sucks. Anyway thats my depression feelings in a nutshell. I could write a book.

  • Sky

    I’ve depression most of my life. I’m currently in 10th grade. I suppress my crying and put on fake laughs as a façade, so nobody sees the true me. I constantly think about suicide but I never act out on it. I NEVER get excited. I recently got a PS4 and when I saw it all I could release was a fake yay. Not even a smile because IMO smiles are weird and I look weird. I just got through a mini relationship (we liked each other but we didn’t date) and she said that she stopped liking me because she mistaked liking me for being a loving and caring friend. Boy did that hurt. I just think it’s because she doesn’t want to associate herself with me. But honesty, who can blame her, its not like I sound like a nice person to be around anyway.

  • kay

    All I want 2 do is jst scream…its like derz dz painfull and yet itchy feeling in my heart and I can’t even touch it, so I jst sit down der waiting 4 this horrible feeling 2 pass…and when it comes 2 pass, I cnt even explain how I felt….its jst terrible….I want 2 move forward in life but the feeling of worthlesness keeps drawing me back…I feel like I’m living a fake life, like every1 else is better than me..I dunno what 2 do

  • Brook

    I feel the same way as almost every comment that every person wrote on here. To the 12 year old…. I am so sorry that you already feel this way at your age. My grandfather (suicd) died when I was 13 and I have had severe depression problems off and on since. I am 30 now . I am a dental hygienist. I am usually a fairly smart person I would like to think.I am usually GREAT at my job, outgoing, quick witted,adventurous,love the beach,people,parties,photography,shopping, nature, animals, etc…. I know I am being very random now bc I am very depressed,so try your best to keep up with me. I quit birth control pills May 2013 which I think had something to do with my nightmare of the past 1 1/2 years.(I can’t remember exactly but I do know I was depressed at age 13-17, happy from 18-20, depressed 21,got married at 22yrs old and was happy from 22-29 yrs old.)
    Depression makes my thoughts all blend together,I have BAD anxiety attacks, I can’t concentrate anymore,I stay up late and try to sleep all day,I’m scared of everything now, i don’t want to be around anyone but family(use to LOVE going out with friends),my mom can ask me to make her a coffee and I will forget 2 seconds later unless it is NIGHT. I feel OK from about 9pm til 1 am (when I go to sleep) then I get up at lunch the next day and think of so many things I should do and I never do them. My biggest LOVE in my life have ALWAYS been music, my sweet loyal dogs (black lab and tan boxer) my husband, parents, sister and brother, etc… My feelings are still great as in towards my family, but I catch myself ignoring everyone. June 2013– I COMPLETLY stopped listening to music, I noticed I had to FORCE myself to play with my dogs.(normally spend 2 hours a night playing with my pups) I worked for the same dentist almost 9 years(Jan 2006-Oct 2014) Well Summer 2013 I started noticing that I was doing nothing bUT sitting on my back porch when it was a great day for me to swim. I stopped turning on the radio, didn’t want to do anything!!!! It could be BEAUTIFUL out and it seemed like a dark hell to me. Then I started getting really mean around August 2013…. I was so IRRITATED with everything and everybody for no reason!!! If my husband even mentioned going to Walmart i freaked out BAD and would have an anxiety attack. I knew it had too all just be in my head.I took mom to the beach (she is my best friend) I was so mean to her that day. I didn’t know why I was being so mean. Mom did though. She knew I was getting badly depressed again.September 2013 my hair started falling out in CLUMPS, so bad it was clogging up my vacuum and shower,bad acne, excessive sweating, my usually dry skin became greasy,I even started smelling different, clothes got on my nerves REALLY bad also!!! October 2013(same month my papa died 17 years ago) I stopped being mean and started going to a really silent DARK place mentally. Last week of October my brain COMPLETLY SHUT DOWN. I would wake up every single night and feel a dark presence in the room with me. It SCARED me really BAD!! My husband would be sleeping right beside me but yet I still felt COMPLETLY ALONE MORE THAN EVER. I would wake him up crying and asking him what was wrong with me. (He had no clue what to do.) I didn’t realize it at the time but it was the beginning of my nervous breakdown. It got to where I couldn’t function at all. I felt like I wasn’t even in the world. I would get confused in the shower about simple things like the difference between my shampoo and conditioner. I would shave one leg and forget to shave the other. I was no longer capable of even putting on my makeup, fixing my hair etc… I knew something was bad wrong. I was scared to death of driving to work. I don’t even remember working. November 1st my long time boss called my mom and told her she needed to come pick me up and take me to the doctor. I did nothing bubut cry, I felt NO control over my thoughts or myself. It was the worst thing I have ever gone through in my life. I started having SEVERE panic attacks and anxiety attacks every single day. This continued probably until Christmas. The doc put me on effexor which was also another nightmare. Gave me electric shock. I got off the effexor SLOWLY by maybe May 2014. The depression still has not gone away but I am much better than this time last year. I started a new job this past October 2014 and they fired me after 6 weeks. I know they could see that I was depressed and was having anxiety attacks. She was a very selfish, mean dentist. (All business and money) I would probably still have that job if depression and anxiety didn’t make it 10 times harder on me to do what my coworkers were doing fairly easily. It is really sad that people think that we can just “snap out of it”. Most people just need the right antidepressant and possibly some therapy along with it. If you Google images of the depressed brain compared to a normal brain you can see that this IS like any other disease. I’ve never heard someone tell a diabetic to “snap out of it”. One good thing is this disease is not constant your WHOLE life. There is hope for us. Do NOT WAIT like I did until you have a nervous breakdown. It was like HELL to say the least. Force yourself to be around ANYONE that loves you. FORCE yourself to listen to music. It SLOWLY will also help. TRY not to think about negative things. This can lead to ANXIETY attacks.Things seem like they will never get better, but they WILL!! There are MANY of us. You are not alone. If you saw me you would never know how bad off I am mentally. I am fairly good at hiding it now. I don’t know all of you but I love you and you keep your head up. Get to a doctor. There is nothing wrong with you. We can NOT help our brains don’t produce enough serotonin. Just TEMPORARILY try some antidepressants until you can get through this hard time. There are people out there that care. I do.

    • karen

      Hi Brook,

      I read your comment, although it is very long I tried finishing it. I can relate to most of your anxieties and problem with depression. I hope you can find a way to cope with it. It can never be too late for us. I am 24 yrs old and I think I am suffering from depression too. I felt this way this past yrs just right after we moved to new house. Honestly I dont know how to help myself because I dont want to tell any of my family members that I feel this way. I am planning on folliwing help thru websites. I really hope you feel better 🙂

  • Alice White

    I experienced what might’ve been depression a year ago. It was realm weird for me. I would be siting and laughing with mu friends and I would just really want to cry. And every little teasing remark my brother made would hurt way more than it should. I felt hollow. I started to hate my family because nobody ever noticed anything was wrong and it felt like someone had scooped my heart out with a mellon baller. I just couldn’t be happy.

  • Ash

    Wow I’m really not alone maybe happy is a false reality I don’t know all I know is that depression feels like sadness all the time hopelessness all the time feeling down and empty inside all the time it’s normal I guess that I feel this way I’ve had a rough life so why wouldn’t I feel the way that I do there’s nothing wrong with me except that I need help living life at least the life I would like to see myself living I want to be happy I want to be at peace I want to know where I’m going in life and be present for it I want to feel better about myself my self esteem is so low because of things that happened to me things I feel are all my fault I want to be in love with myself I want to be in love with someone whose meant for me someone whose perfect for me I want to know who he is I want to be unafraid I want to be a better person I want to be able to like myself I want my family back together I want to be close to them I want us to support one another I don’t want to work I want to be rich so I can just get massages all the time and live a carefree non stressful life I want to just relax and give myself a break I want to be mentally healthy emotionally sound and spiritually fulfilled I want to be healed from past hurts failures and trauma I want to forgive myself for things I’ve done wrong to others and I want to be able to forgive those who’ve turned their backs on me I want to be able to move forward with my life I want the feelings of guilt shame and regret to disappear I want to feel to experience Gods peace in my life I want be grateful I want to be whole depression feels like a black hole a void like there’s something missing I think what I am missing is God I call on him but I don’t feel that he’s listening I don’t know what to do I can’t just sit still I feel so confused about life and what I should do

  • Ash

    Feels like nothing’s going right I feel off alone lonely and sad misunderstood I allow others to use me I feel that’s what i deserve I don’t have normal relations with people I feel cut off from the world very lost I am Seems as if I’ve lost all hope hope is gone I feel helpless stupid incapable of anything I think of every bad decision every mistake every bit of setbacks and failures I can’t seem to remember the last time I was actually happy breathing is a task so everything else is secondary drinking takes off the edge doing nothing is my only option I can’t seem to accept the past I feel that I’ve made a turn for the worst I feel down on myself for not marrying someone who wanted to marry me long ago now they’re married with children so I regret my decision and feel that should’ve been me and could’ve. I feel stupid for not marrying this person and feel very unhappy with my life because of it I feel that that was it bad that I will never be happy or find happiness again nor do I believe that I will truly love another again my heart is broken and I feel humiliated laughed at outcast my family and I do t get along very well they don’t understand me they think that I’m selfish they say that they love me I do t love myself I don’t know how to I can’t seem to find God. I don’t feel like doing anything. I don’t know what’s wrong with me. I can’t make decisions I feel empty inside like there’s a hole in my heart I don’t have peace and I feel like dying I don’t know whet to do . I have sex with different people to escape myself I believe that if I were in live then that would solve life’s problems for me. My father molested me when I was a young girl he took my virginity I feel like damaged goods. I feel broken and alone in this world I can’t seem to find the strength I feel down on myself every relationship I find myself in is jacked up I’m trying to work on myself but it’s very hard to fix things that are wrong with me I don’t know where to start. I just cry all the time I feel sad all the time I don’t feel that I belong anywhere I constantly look outside myself for love. I don’t know how to begin to accept myself for who I am I don’t even know who I am or what I want to be the fact that I would’ve been a wife had I married long ago makes me feel like a failure because I believe that’s the life path I should’ve taken instead of the one I’m living right now so everything in my life just doesn’t makes sense I feel left behind because I was left behind by this person I wish I could go back in time and change everything I feel tormented by my own decision I feel like I’m going insane

  • Memy

    I am going through all this and i always fake my smile infront of people, since i had a miscarriage,i started looking back in my life and compare my life with others, i see other peoples life is better and they seem to be happy but as for me i see myslef as a failure, sometimes i just cry and blame myself for everything,i feel like staying alone and jot talking to anyone, attimes i get a terrible headache..

  • Rod

    I’ve been depressed for longer than I can remember… there are very few things I can focus on. I feel like giving up like “whats the point?” I force myself to be happy when im not. I sleep well and feel tired all the time even after I do sleep… im not motivated to do anything, the few things that I used to enjoy don’t feel fun anymore. Everything feels forced.

    I wish I could just feel better already.

    This affects people around me too, they irritate me although I know they don’t mean to its just me. It’s difficult to even think about telling this to anyone… I feel like they’re wouldn’t understand.

    The anonymity of this really does help…

  • Mia

    I’m only almost 17 years old and the world seems so tiring. I understand the stereotypical teenage ‘depression’ however, I feel there’s more to it in my case. The simplest things I will become mortified & begin to feel hopeless about. It become embarrassing during class when I suddenly begin to sniffle & shed tears for no particular reason. I have a very hard time focusing & have small panic attacks about the most trivial matters. People often tell me I’m very beautiful, and no matter how many compliments I receive, I tell myself the exact opposite. I’m always telling myself that I’m no good for anyone & feel very discouraged. I often find myself zoned off with a heavy heart & occasionally have tears formed in my eyes. My mind seems to be even more tangled than my headphones, & getting up in the morning is a major battle. I used to get up 3 hours early just to do my hair nice and my makeup nice & read or do something productive. Now I barely give myself to get in breakfast. I am extremely self conscious and would not go anywhere without makeup, even if I look fine without it. Last year I formed Trichotillomania in my eyelashes and began pulling them out. Some grew back but now I wear fake lashes every day to cover up what I’ve done to myself. I’ve been in a three year long distance relationship with a Muslim man that has been very stressful for me. I always feel like an idiot & like I’ve done things wrong. Many would say I should leave the relationship but even though how much pain I’ve gotten from it, it’s the only thing that’s left that I have to make me happy. Many don’t know I’m severely depressed because I often am walking with a fake smile & cracking jokes. Even if I can’t truly laugh, it brings me somewhat joy to see others laughing. I feel selfish a lot for feeling this way all the time, but I can’t help it. I can’t even listen to music anymore. My favorite songs all sound dead to me. Music was so huge in my life & now I struggle to play my piano with an upbeat tune. Now I lay my head on the top of the keyboard and silently tap some keys then I leave. I don’t know what’s wrong with me. I quit cheering two years ago & decided I didn’t want people to look at me. So I became the mascot for our school so people couldn’t see my tears behind the mask. I get to act foolish & hide my depression at the same time. I just mess everything up & feel like no one should love me, for no reason whatsoever…

  • a.r.

    i feel almost like a robot. everything is such an out-of-body experience, it’s hard for me to believe that it’s me that’s doing it. i feel like i’m stuck in some other place while my own body goes on in life without me. i don’t know what i like to do anymore. i know what i used to like, but nothing ever seems to satisfy the empty feeling i have anymore. i try to fill my life with so many things, just to trigger my own reaction. it’s exhausting, actually. i try so hard to make myself feel SOMETHING, i have no time to do anything else. i am stuck in my own world. to others, i probably just look really tired, but they don’t look as closely as i do. i have bruises underneath my eyes from insomnia and stress and all kinds of other things that people don’t see. people cannot see me aching and writhing, maybe because i’m good at hiding it or maybe because they simply don’t care; nonetheless, they don’t see it. sometimes i think suicidal thoughts, and as much as everyone says that it’s not normal it has become such a mundane thing for me to do that i convinced myself that everyone has suicidal thoughts–they have to, because if you don’t then THAT is not normal. i have been to multiple websites and talked to multiple people about what i feel and what they feel and what others tend to feel, but none of it helps. never has the expression “in one ear and out the other” applied so greatly to me. that’s pretty much my life now; that, and a series of brief conversations that always start with, “hi,” and are filled with shrugs and blank stares and always end with, “i mean, i guess.” i mean, i guess. another life motto to live by. passion is such a distant subject. i used to like to paint, but i have no inspiration anymore. i forgot what music i used to listen to. i used to read, but i can’t seem to find the right book or the right time or the right state of mind to just sit down and read. so i kind of just drift along in life, following wherever my subconscious takes me. i mean, i guess. and every once in a while–mostly every night, when the house is quiet and i can finally think without them constantly hissing in my ear about this or that–i think about my life and how it isn’t that bad, so why am i crying? yeah, i cry but only like all the time. i was always an emotional one. maybe i take things too personally, but i don’t think so because people’s opinions don’t really matter to me. so i guess i’m a liar now, but who isn’t? whatever, it’s just one trait to add on next to apathetic and temperamental. oxymoron.
    before i went into this state of opaqueness, i was mostly just really sad. i thought i hit rock bottom. i think this is worse than that. i kind of wish i felt sad this way i’d know i’m not actually dead inside a live body. if that even makes sense. i think i have hit rock bottom, only instead of bouncing back up i’m just being pulled through the rocks and being battered and bruised and bloodied as i descend deeper. i mean, i guess.

  • Crow

    I feel sick all the time. My friends and family are just worthless to me. The things I once enjoyed give me no feelings or meaning. I want to be happy again. I don’t know how.
    I just feel tired and in pain. Everything seems hopeless. I want to sleep and cry but can’t. It’s horrible.

  • Hi

    I don’t know what to think anymore. Everything is just too much sometimes and I just need to sleep. Every time I do something I get happy and then afterwards I get anxious about it. I can’t think and when people ask me what’s wrong I can’t tell. I want to so badly but I don’t know why. Nothing traumatic has happened, I guess. I don’t even know what’s right or what’s wrong and I cry so much. At night everything that has happened rushes back and I feel like crap.
    Sometimes I focus so intently on one spot or one place because it keeps me from crying or I get this floaty feeling.
    I don’t want my emotions but at the same time part of me says that I need my emotions and that part is right. That part is there, of course, keeping me calm sometimes. But it kind of disappears sometimes y’know.
    And my mom, I love her so very much, but she yells at me a lot and she says she doesn’t. Maybe mom doesn’t realize it but she’s always shouting and being loud. She yelled at me about my priorities and it sounds terrible but sometimes I don’t want to see her every weekend because I don’t want to do something wrong. She finds something and just goes on a tangent about everything else that I have done wrong. She talks about my dad and her issues with him and I DON’T WANT TO HEAR IT. She spews bile about him and it makes me so angry but I never let the anger really out.
    It just sits there, streaming when I cry, I’m getting even less sure of what I am writing now because I feel like I sound so melodramatic. And some of the things I did wrong, and I don’t even know what anymore, I am ready to be responsible for. People assume I don’t want to but I try telling them that YES I know that I did this. I need to fix it! but nobody ever lets me finish. Mom never lets me finish but I can never fully tell people what I need to say.
    I never really contemplated suicide because it isn’t an option for me. Every time it comes up in my mind I say NO because I just couldn’t do that even in the state I am right now. Am I even in a state?
    Mom yelled at me about the computer (ha, irony) and my friends. She likes them but says they distract me and I need to set my priorities down. She tells me I’m not responsible and maybe I’m not but why does she have to be so mean?
    I want to say more but my mind is a mess…

  • Shania Lokito

    I’ve been lost for 8 months. ‘Lost’ in psychology way of my own. First i changed, i became a Pesimistic, crying for nothing, feel sad because of nothing, and some fight with parents and friends. This depression has driven me crazy. I become someone who i don’t want and it ruined me. From my experienced i always get fight with parents every 6 months and they always threaten me something hurt. I can’t think anymore i just can’t feel my heart again, is like my mind is controlling my heart and I just couln’t control my emotion in living everyday.

  • Fred Potter

    I too feel anxious about something unknown as evening draws in. Is it a memory of a dangerous time for our palaeolithic ancestors, or an old fear of school the next day? I attended a school between ages 7 and 11 where the headmaster was violent and unpredictable and administered the cane without warning. We were forced to eat all our execrable lunch, on pain of corporal punishment

  • deepak

    Life sucks so hard … Don’t know what the fuck it is .sorry for my tone I type this cos right nw I’m so very much depressed I hate if there is any god at all y everyone enjoys life while I suck at it I don’t like this …. Hate my girlfriend … Always tensed … False smile to ve a company … No one likes me … I think of suicide sometimes but my mom n dad I see in my eyes .. I also feel its not worth dying for this but cant be with it or fight through it

  • Katie

    So I don’t know if it’s just me but when I’m alone I feel like nothing important. I failed the eight grade by 3 points and these three girls talk about me everyday. I’m very sensitive and then I start to cry then everyone calls me a baby and friends always make jokes about but I laugh with them so they don’t think it hurts me. Then I get home. My mom is drunk and dad. Cussing at everything little damn things. Cusses at me pushes me. I don’t even have friends come me over because of him. I can’t stand it. I can’t date people that I like cause I don’t black boys too. I like one now. He’s amazing. But If my dad found out. OMG! I just cry every night because of all of these things like the girls at my school, and my parents. I need help.

  • karen

    My feelings today is indescribable I don’t know if I am able to move forward with my life. I feel like no one to talk to. I feel responsible for all my actions and that my actions were all wrong. I feel envious of others but I don’t want to feel that way at all, I AM HAPPY for them but I feel bad about mine. I don’t talk to my friends anymore not a single one of them because i feel I am not that important to them anymore. I feel so small I don’t know what to do. I wanted to disappear from this misery. I want cry so that somehow my sadness will lessen but it is not. I don’t know if I can move more further to where I am, stranded to my destination. My love ones doesn’t know that I am feeling this way and I don’t know how to tell them or maybe they can see it but doesn’t know how to help me because we normally don’t talk about each others life.

  • Maddy

    I had depression for 3 years and it took me a long time to actually realise it. I felt deadened. Everything was dull, yet there was no motivation to change anything. I didn’t feel anything – no feelings whatsoever. Everything was crap and I knew it would be crap and always would be and I lived with the acceptance.
    I felt foolish trying to tell people how I felt because I hugely struggled to express myself (e.g. without accidentally saying something insulting).
    I didn’t want to talk to anyone, let alone about how I felt! It was my internal side and my brain told me that my internal side should be kept to myself and I just knew that it was right.
    I didn’t want to go to any event. I worried that I’d look a fool, that people didn’t actually want me there, that I’d have to put on a fake smile, that I’d actually have to talk to people.
    I spent mostly all my time alone, and if not alone, I was so quiet that a lot of my classmates didn’t know my voice.
    Depression to me, is the lack of feeling. You don’t cry, you don’t care. You simply don’t care about anything – you don’t even care about saving yourself because you don’t even realise there’s anything to save…this is just how things are.

  • Phil

    I feel terrible. There is a pit in my stomach and it never goes away. I’m weighed down with guilt, anxiety and emptiness. I have no interests anymore, and distance myself from my family. I don’t think I can go one more day feeling like this, but each day just hits one after another like ocean waves hitting rocks. I am caught day after day and cant recover. I have no idea what to do.

  • Dave

    I can’t stop thinking about EVERY time I’ve failed or let someone down. Everything I do is horribly wrong and I’m convinced that the entire world is watching me fall down over and over and over again….and laughing….or pitying me. I’m not sure which is worse. Nothing I do is not good enough for my wife or kids or co-workers. If they are not happy I take it personally…I’M the reason they are having a bad day. I wouldn’t blame them if they distanced themselves from me – for a few minutes or forever. Why would anyone want to be near me when I feel like I’m sucking the life out of them? The guilt is unbearable. I’m destroying those I love the most and I don’t know how to stop it. It’s like watching a horror movie. You know it’s going to end horribly wrong. You can yell at the actors to “watch out”, or “don’t go around that corner”, or “don’t turn the lights off”….but in the end you’re completely powerless against the outcome. It sucks. It really really sucks.

  • Todd

    I feel as if I’m caged and nobody is helping me escape. Every time I go to school things only get worse. I feel like I’m the only person in my class that has friends to talk to. I’m all by myself.

  • Todd

    I feel as if I’m caged and nobody is helping me escape. Every time I go to school things only get worse. I feel like I’m the only person in my class that has friends to talk to. I’m all by myself….alone.

  • Mark

    Life sucks. I am a robot. Everyday whether I have work or not I’m depressed. If I make a little money I’m a little happier but I always feel left out. I will never like people and they won’t like me I have no hope. Death calls me by name and says it will only stop when you die. I had a couple of suicide attempts but I can’t do that to my family but the heaviness on my soul never ends. I am miserable.

  • John

    Every morning i wake up feeling tired. At first i thought it may be my training since i workout 3/4 times a week but however much sleep i get im always tired and unhappy with what i do and the person i am. I have some good friends and family who care but i feel like im not good enough for them or anyone else for that matter. I know i job i have is the reason why i feel depressed and i even have the qualifications needed to get the job i want but i feel so worthless and nevative about everything i see and do that i cant do anything. Reading some of the other comments and people wanting to die, i never felt like that but i do look at what my future holds and it scares me. Hopefully soon i can beat the way i feel and i hope everyone can as well who feels the same. Just want to be a good person and help everyone i can before my time is up.

  • Just another girl

    I feel that I hate myself every day. I lie over and over again and there’s not a day that goes by when a lie does not come from my mouth. I hate it, I hate every thing and I never knew why and I still just feel like I will never truly know. I have thought it was because of depression but I feel like it’s so much more than that, I feel like there’s a reason why I want to kill myself but I can never figure out what and I hate my self for being so ignorant. I just want to die and die because I hate being alive I really hate it and I can’t stop. I feel so out of place in this world and I don’t know what to do anymore

  • Brit

    I had a real bad episode back in 2010. Where it affected my job. My supervisor had me take sick leave and require me to see a professional. I was diagnosed with PDS. I been battling with this since I was 15. It took a major break down before I got help. I had attempted to take my life to many time. Overdose on pills, drugs, rat poison, try to shoot myself and the gun jam. These event all happen before 2010. Well I talk to the doctor he put me on Lexapro. I took that for a year then stop with the doctor promissin. I hate having to see the doctor and talking to him. I hate tell someone my thoughts and feelings. It like they can see my soul or the judging me. It just so uncomfortable. A few people notice a change in me. They said I was laid back, I smile more, I didn’t get my so fast. I was just mellow. But after trying to kill myself with pills and drugs taking pills to help me was kind of hard. Plus I didnt want to see a doctor anymore and I didn’t want to take meds. I wanted to work on myself on my own. I figure I been dealing with this for so long without the doctor maybe I could help myself. I been doing good for awhile. I have not attempted to kill myself but I still think about how peaceful death will be. But that just once in the blue. But now I go from okay to crying depress and sad. I just out of the blue get depress and start crying. It been going on now for two months about to be three. I don’t know what wrong or what going on. I just want to be better.

  • reyno vermeulen

    I’m a 28 year old guy.. Living alone in gordons bay cape town! These days I don’t know what the hell is going on with me, I burst into tears all the time I lost my touch with handling people I don’t feel myself. I’m very much suicidal, I think of dying constantly! I hate God for some reason and these days I don’t believe in that name or man anymore. The only time I feel alive is when I’m high on something. Everything iiritates me I even irritate myself! I’m scared of dying but still I want to die! I screw up every job I get my love life sucks… I feel like a faliar.apperntly I’m a very good looking guy and sometimes I notice that but most of the time I see myself as some used and abused ugly guy that can’t do anything right! I used to be a happy person but somehow I can’t get that guy back! I’m in a deep dark hole slowly sinking and I’m already so deep in that I can’t get out! There’s something keeping me from the rest of the world I’m shouting for help but no one understands what I’m trying to say.. Its like they don’t understand my language that I developed. I forget stuff I loose my mind and go mad hitting my steering wheel in my car or smashing my phone against something when I get irritated or immpatient! I blame my family and friends when things go wrong! The thing that worries me most is that I lost my believe in a god and I swear him on a daily babis and that I actually tried killing myself by taking drugs yesterday and obviously it was not succesfull as I’m writing this email… I need help!! Am I possesed by some demon or am I just purely depressed? Pls help before its too late!

  • Abby

    Depression is like drowning while everyone else around you can breathe. People are telling you to just breathe and take it easy but you are drowning, if you breathe you could die. It feels like everyone is looking at you and judging you and you feel guilty for eating this or doing that or not being here or there. It feels like my fault 100% of the time, like no one can love you. You are a failure.
    My coping mechanism is eating and puking and self-harm and all of it is just so someone will make me get help because I feel on the edge all the time. The medication can help you but it doesn’t make you not hate yourself or wake up with the same feeling daily, that you do not deserve to live.

  • Q

    I continuously think myself out of doing things, everything seems pointless. This is the same as that, all just different ways to waste time until our inevitable demise. It feels as if days go by faster for me even though I hate everything I’m doing. I grew a strong hatred towards others who have no knowledge of what it’s like and an even stronger hatred towards myself. I doubt everyone who says things get better, I cannot see myself ever being able to go back to how I was before, now that I’ve exposed myself to this reality I believe that I’ll never be able to deny it. I fantasize deeply in-depth about dying and how badly I to cease to exist.

  • nic

    Depression to me feels like those dreams you have wear your naked in public. Zero self esteem and constantly embarrassed. Completely d issapointed in my life. I feel like people are nice to me because they feel bad for me. Everything I do is guilt driven. Better walk the dog because he’s the only one who gives a fuck about you. Everything is either annoying, scary or boring. I cant remember the last time I literally laughed out loud. When I think of happy memories it feels like their someone else’s memories. I regret so many things ive done in life. Two of my prior best friends died in their 20s. Im haunted everyday and sometimes also in my dreams about how I treated them. I feel so disconnected from the rest of the world. I dont think ill ever have a best friend again. Im in a long distance relationship but we broke up and still talk so thats a joke. I just turned 27 and looking in the mirror ever new line and wrinkle reminds me of how much ive wasted my life. I work at retail but have a degree. I have too much anxiety to get a career. Sometimes I feel so disassociated from myself. I get so nervous that I feel like I have to think about simple things in order to do them like walking ill have to tell myself left foot right foot left foot right foot.

  • Amanda

    I feel unconnected to everything I have a lot of emotions an I just lash out on the ones I love especially my kids I know I have a problem but refuse to take any meds I am not gonna take anything that harms my body I don’t care what the case is. I know I don’t deserve my kids nor my husband an I know Im a shitty mom I wouldn’t want me as a mother. I just can’t get how at 30 yrs old I feel this way when I had such big plans for my future. We go threw money problems constantly an live check to check my kids deserve more an I’m feel so hopeless that i think if i die maybe my husband will get to be happy with someone thats happy an not someone who is not good for their children.

  • Criss

    These symptoms describe me perfectly. Especially being irritated.. My family is a constant source of irritation to me and I couldn’t figure out why until now.. it all just has seemed to click.

  • Cait

    I don’t want to wake up. I don’t want to sleep. I want to drink and smoke and get high to numb everything like it used to but it just doesn’t work anymore. The drinking and smoking weed is making me fat and the smoking makes my skin look horrible so I’m just falling deeper and deeper down now. The list of un-clinical you noted above apply to every single aspect of everything I do. Nothing works anymore: not my brain, body, mind or soul. I want to die but don’t want to leave my little sister. Every day is so hard when all you want is peace and it is no where to be found. No medications or drugs help any longer. What is there left to do? ……fill in the blank for yourself. This world is a horrible place. I want out.

  • Mallory

    You know, depression is hard. It makes me want to cry all the time, and I feel like no one cares for me,and it seems that everyone is mad at me for no apparent reason. I’ve thought about dying, but then I would think about what my future husband would do if I died. Would he never get married or find another girl? I guess my depression isn’t as severe, but it’s still hard to keep a smile on my face and to get out of bed. I feel like I’m alone.

  • Nick

    I have been depressed for as long as I can remember. When I was younger I had no friends, I could never fit in. I could not relate with people who are happy and I still can’t. The only ones I’ll talk to about this are those who feel the same. Every day I cry, in private, while driving, in the bathroom at work, and nobody knows. I fear rejection, I never open up.. I don’t want people to find out what I am inside; the ones that I open up to are the ones that destroy me. I have suicidal thoughts daily. I have never had thoughts of self harm, that won’t end my depression. I am disconnected, isolated,trapped in my own mind. I’m always nice because I wouldn’t be able to live with myself if I caused someone to feel like I do. I don’t know what purpose there is left for me, so much weight is crushing my will to do anything. I am dead, but still breathing. I cannot stand to see anyone hurt themselves. One day I hope I can reinvent myself or it’s all a lost cause. If you’re young, never let anyone you know reject the fact that you are depressed. Now because of that I can’t even open up to my psychiatrist. This only scratched the surface.

  • Eli

    Depression feels like nothing is exciting or happy or enjoyable anymore. It feels like everyone irritates you and you irritate everyone. It feels like you’re better off away from everyone and everything.

  • Jeanie

    You don’t really know whats going on. There’s nothing important in your life, your study or work, nothing. Even to your family you act careless towards them. It’s just so irritating and feels like noone understands you. You cry everytime. Seems like sleep is your only escape. There’s no hope ahead and you are finding an easiest way to kill yourself. Its just theres no difference between life and death.

  • iterax

    I have two kids – my boy’s nine and his sister is six – who think the world of me. This should be enough reason for anyone to feel happy and to want to live, but, for some reason, the sadness won’t leave me. Just a few minutes ago, without any kind of back-up plan or anything, I emailed my resignation. Two kids and a wife – three persons that depend on me, and yet I’m quitting work. Am I just the laziest person in the world or is there something wrong with me? I don’t know. I’ll have my first session with a shrink this Friday; I hope it helps.

  • Me

    Can’t help but feel lost
    Where is the time going
    Nothing’s the same anymore
    Now I’m standing in the rain
    Drenched in my sorrows
    My hearts all twisted and mangled
    Do you recognize my face
    Do you even care still?
    I’m going through some things
    But still giving my best attempt
    Nothing seems good enough for you
    I drown a little more each day
    You aren’t there to pull me out
    You just watch and expect me to stay afloat
    I can’t swim anymore
    The waves crash harder on me every time
    And still you do nothing to save me
    Let me drown, and sink to the bottom
    I can see you walking away
    I’m not in a good place in my life
    I’m not where I want to be
    I need time to figure things out
    But all you want is NOW NOW NOW
    it’ll come on it’s own time
    Whether you choose to stay or go It’s not like you care to understand
    You just see this sad, pitiful girl
    Go if you must but don’t try and come back when things have fixed themselves.

  • Diogo

    Depression is a parasite, growing inside you. At first, you don’t notice it, that small twinge of sadness dismissed as low mood. Over time its tendrils dig into your mind, your body… if I was religious, I’d say depression is a disease of the soul. Nothing is the same after it hits. Depression isn’t a sudden crash, it’s slow, painful degeneration.
    It’s 9 in the morning, staring at you in the face when you’re too tired to move a muscle.
    It’s the clock in the corridor, ticking down the seconds and hours of a life perceived to be worthless.
    It’s the voice(s) in your head, mocking you, toying with insecurities and bad memories, twisting every word said to you into something more sinister.
    I have been suffering from depression for over a year now. A measly amount of time, and yet it feels like an eternity has passed.
    I mean… my entire life… I have lived being different from everyone else. Being an outcast, “on the outside looking in”.
    And some days, I feel Depression waiting to swallow me whole, and there I am, choking on tears, thoughts and words I feel I may never say.

    I wonder if there’s any difference between life and death now. The latter certainly sounds more definite.

  • Jo

    I’m tired, so tired…

    Every noise rips through my soul, I need silence.
    The anger that makes me want to smash everything, I need peace.
    The sorrow that consumes me and tries to drag my body to the ground, I want release. The people I need to avoid, I miss you.
    I just need to lie down, let me sleep, I don’t want to die; I’m just tired, so tired of living this life….

  • Clayton

    Everyday is a struggle to express myself, low self esteem, apathy, and lack of motivation, interest or ability to do even the most simple things in life. It’s pretty clear that no one likes me or wants me around. I’m 28, still live at home, have no friends whatsoever, and can’t get a job. I was bullied at my last job, which led to a breakdown. I haven’t worked in years. How can I work when I just can’t seem to do much of anything? I sit around the house a lot. Even on a day where the sun is shining, I can’t seem to bring myself to care about anything. I cry in private. It all just feels grey and flat all the time, I feel so numb. The whole world is happy all the time and it pisses me off!!! I just don’t want to be around anyone. I just want to be left alone. But at the same time, I am isolated, lonely and struggling in life. No one cares about my pain. I’m too exhausted, I look stupid, I sound stupid, I cant do anything right.. People treat me like I’m stupid. I can’t even think or remember things anymore, and my brain just doesn’t work properly. I haven’t smiled in years… Therapy, medication etc doesn’t work.

  • İbrahim

    it feels like i don’t wanna do anything and when i share this with my mom or dad what they say sounds dull to me and all the thought wandering inside my mind is “i don’t know anything”

  • Stella

    It’s a strange thing. Constantly you feel.. nothing is good enough. Everything you do isn’t good enough. Even though everyone congratulates you… you know it doesn’t matter. You’re a waste of people’s time… a waste of space. You barely recognize yourself anymore. Every night you think about jumping out your window or bashing your head into the wall until it breaks. When you talk to others you can’t help but think about what it would be like to kill them and then kill yourself. The day is darker, the trees have no beauty, nothing has beauty. Every interaction is fake, your smile… their smile. Your work is insignificant and even your “friends” don’t want to be around you anymore. You even begin to think you aren’t worth your significant other’s time and wonder if you should break up with them for their sake. Then you are too selfish to and hate yourself for “making them” stay with someone like you. You want to express how you feel to others but you fear you’ll be told you’re over reacting or you’re creating drama for yourself. You know you have a problem but it seems impossible to fix. Everything you have once loved has no meaning. You realize you are only here for your family. The only people you know would be upset if you left. Even if you think you are a waste of their time and money.

    You cry. You cry a lot and then you feel weak for crying and the hate for yourself continues to grow.

  • Lilo

    I’m 14 years old. And i am feeling hopeless. I dot know what to do. Every night tears escape my eyes,and they won’t stop. I feel like life is pointless and I don’t want to feel like this. I’m scared cause I’ve had suicide thoughts. And I tried to cut myself. But I couldn’t even do that right. I feel so empty. Like there’s nothing worth doing. I can’t breath sometimes and I just want to curl up and cry. I want someone to hug me. But I’m to scared to ask someone for a hug. I don’t want to live in this life. In this world. I feel like I’m not supposed to live. Like I’m a mistake. I think my family would be happier if I wasn’t born. I’m scared and I’ve just lost hope. I can’t trust thanks to my mom and my parents never say that they love me. I feel like I push to hard. I’ve reached out for help so many times and they all ignored me, or said that it was my fault. I’m to sensitive and I’m to fat and I’m so stupid and I hate myself. But even though I hate myself. I love myself. I don’t know if that makes any sense. But I dot want to die. But life seems so hard right now and I can’t blame myself for looking for an easy way out. I feel so alone even though I’m not. But every time I tell someone something. I feel selfish and like I’m burdening them. I don’t know what to do. My father when he gets mad take hold of my throat. And I’ve told my mother so many time but she brushed it of. It wasn’t until my school nurse called SS (Social services) that made her snap out of her picture perfect family. You see my mom had cancer and she was 100 procent sure she would die. But she survived and every sense she’s been really embarrassed about her body. So she has a hard time hugging and touching people. And sometimes I just need a hug. But I’m to scared to ask someone. Anyways SS told be they would do everything they could to make it better and all my fears about forgetting be was stupid. And guess what they forgot me. And that broke a part of me. I just felt emotionless. I don’t care anymore. I’m going back to plan A. Wait it out and the move as far as you can. I feel so sad and I don’t know what to do. Please…somebody…
    help me

  • Caitlin

    I’m just numb all the time…its like I don’t feel anymore. I don’t want to get up in the morning, I don’t want to face life itself. Every moment of it is a struggle, a chore and an effort. People irritate me just by being around and I just feel like I’m on the outside of life looking in at everyone else. I walk around and go through life in a daze. Everything is routine and monotony; nothing ever gets any better. And occasionally I just flood with tears as all of the hurt creeps back into my head. All the bad things I pushed to the back of my brain to pretend they never happened seap through and poison all hope. I just go round in circles trying to fight this constant battle but everytime I do I just feel like I’m lying to myself and pretending I’m happy. I’m just numb…

  • Olivia

    Every day I cry, like not being able to watch a movie not getting homework or not being able to dye my hair. I just feel like im alone and I want to be alone. I like the thought of dying and I dont know why

  • Jessica

    I have suffered from severe depression since I was a small child. It has gotten to the point where the depressive spells have certain clues, like a scratchy throat at the beginning of a cold. Today, I noticed another sign that my next epic 6+ month long depression is on its way: the black filter of my mind is slowly taking its place. Also, the feeling of being caught between hysterical rage or hysterical crying. The holding of the breath just before shrieking. Holding in the black bile of evil thoughts and destructive words in your chest until it hurts. I have two small children, so it is my duty to respond to them, however, I “grey out” (my term referring to the feeling of fading out of existence into the grey haze that is my personal depression) and frequently can’t hear them speaking to me.

    I long to run frantically down the road, screaming, crying, fighting, doing something. But there is nowhere to go. The supportive people around me are all so even-keeled, that to explain the excruciating pain I am in, emotionally, would be an exercise in futility.

    As a rational woman, the only thing I can logically do to alleviate the guilt for having burdened others is to work and study until my brain smokes and my fingers ache. At this rate, I can’t even imagine living another 5 minutes let alone long enough to finish medical school without having someone catch on that one of their star students is certifiably depressed beyond the DSMV’s scope or puny imagination.

    What gets me through is the understanding that this feeling is temporary. 1 week down, an eternity to go! And dark humor helps me express my feelings instead of not informing my family or children what is going on. To sound trite: This Too Shall Pass.

  • Nox

    I feel dead inside between bouts of the worst emotional pain. I don’t actively want to die but I do feel like I’d be better as a corpse because my contribution to the world would be the same.

    I feel angry with my family. I feel unloved, unlovable and incapable of love. I feel worthless and terrible. I feel everything is my fault.

    I don’t want to be around people because it takes so much out of me to put the mask on. Food has no taste and music cuts me to my core or seems inane and fake.

    Depression is probably the worst thing in the world. Losing a loved one is a sharp pain that fades. Depression is a dull ache that never really fades but it can be so sudden and so complete that the only thing that seems like it’d bring relief is just to no longer exist.

  • Just Me

    I have been depressed for three years straight and finally got over my depression for two years. But something went wrong this year. I’m suddenly sad for no apparent reason- and when I am sad I automatically think of self abuse of dying. I don’t even have a thought beforehand. My brain goes straight to those thoughts. It’s driving me insane already..

  • Jessica

    I just don’t feel like doing anything. Getting out of bed is a struggle and making myself go to college is a hassle every day but I also feel that if I quit I will be a failure. I can’t seem to find the fun in anything I used to love doing anymore. I get frequent headaches and my stomach always feels like its in knots. I can’t get a job because I have horrible social anxiety and being out in public scares me but even now being by myself coped up at home makes me feel even worse. I don’t know how to tell my dad how I am feeling because I don’t think he will understand. I’ve been away from home at my college for over a year now and have not really made one friend. I don’t know what to do anymore and just feel stuck and hopeless.

  • Troy

    It brakes my hart to see so many people suffer with this. I can relate to most if not all of you. Reading story’s from others here and unfortunately we see so many people with exact same feelings mentally and physically. Just wish so much to help. I am at full battle with this as well 5 years now. Gray, suicidal, fears ,dread, displacement of your own being. Finding this site has given me an idea could we find happiness in seeking out others and try to help them. I came to this site to find help and sadly I found comfort in knowing I’m not alone. So many people shouting for help and you feel there hurt. I think at one point or another some of us have found a way to deal with at least one aspect of this illness. One thing i have held on to is you could die today not knowing that your great new day WAS or could have been Tomorrow.

  • This Chick

    It’s kind of funny that I only come across places like this when I am in a bout of depression myself. Reading this list actually made me smile, though not really in a happy sort of way, but more-so in an amused sense at myself. It is comforting in its own way though also sickening, but thankfully, while almost everything on this list applies to me and so many others, the one thing that does not is music. Particularly when I’m depressed, I will seek out music. Unfortunately, it’s the most beautiful and sad music that I can possibly find that I gravitate to most. Hearing happy music when I am depressed only seems to worsen it. I can listen to sad music, eventually force myself into tears while I’m all alone, and release those “feel goods” that the brain gets after a bout of crying. That is usually enough to satisfy me until the next time I feel so overwhelmingly alone… and yes, that is one thing that is not on this list. The constant feeling of loneliness, of isolation, although I suppose that glass wall could be applied.

    Even in a crowded room you don’t feel as if you belong there. Even when you are with your own significant other, in your own house even, although I will never question whether I love someone or not, feeling satisfied in their presence is another thing. Sometimes depression just makes you want to retreat into your safe haven, your personal sanctuary, until you have pulled yourself together enough to venture back out into the world for another short amount of time. You hope that no one notices because you don’t want that kind of attention on you, you don’t desire extra attention because you feel so different and out of place.

    It’s really just unfortunate, while on the note of your significant other, when they can’t understand that you act a certain way because of your depression. When you bring it up, if they tell you not to use that as a crutch, that really does more damage than good. You realize that they have their own issues too and you are understanding and accommodating to them, well all you want back is that same amount of care and patience! Is that so much to ask?

    While it would be impossible to impose into people who do not have depression what it really FEELS like, let alone, I mean, why would they really want to experience that? I can at least describe to the best of my ability what I experience when I am in a “low” mood…

    It first starts with a thought, always negative, and seems to escalate from there. You don’t really know that you’re slipping into it until you’re dead in the center of the storm, unable to escape no matter what you try to tell yourself. You’ll think back to things people said or did, or what you said or did, and beat yourself up. This is especially strong if you also have social anxiety (which is almost always coupled with depression). Many people don’t even try to convince themselves otherwise, but for those who do, it is 100% a daily struggle.

    All you can do is wait it out, which is the sad truth for those who have not found a fool proof way to combat it, such is the case for myself. It’s almost like a black wave of heaviness washes over you and sits idle like a fog, until somewhere along the line the wind picks up and it slowly drifts away (sometimes even drifting back when you thought it was gone). While that black fog is there, it seeps into your pores, your lungs, and heart, and weighs you down. It clogs up your brain and blocks out any happiness you thought you once had only a minute ago. Sometimes it even feels like it locks my arms and legs in place, like an invisible thorny vine. When you move, it just hurts your heart and your head, creating “what ifs?” and other thoughts of hopelessness. You might feel pathetic or worthless, like not a single soul in the world cares for you. You’ll reach for that silver lining in the darkness of your room, but all you get in return is crippling silence and disappointment until the next morning when you wake up groggy, looking forward to a day of monotony.

    Once it starts going away, you slowly start to feel like yourself again, although many times you’re drained or fatigued from the experience… for myself this happens at varying times. It could appear out of the blue once or twice per day, to only once or twice per week, lasting anywhere from ten minutes to hours at a time. Every now and again it lasts most of the day, but is most common at night. It’s common for me to fall asleep with tears in my eyes and wake up with eyeliner on my pillow. I’ll cry for nothing, absolutely nothing, just to make the feelings go away… I honestly try to ignore it, although I’ve had it for such a long time that it’s really just become a part of who I am, which I’m not sure is healthy but I make it work. I hide it well from everyone that I know would not understand or would try to convince me that it’s all in my head… I know it’s all in my head. That’s the point! It’s in MY head, so saying that doesn’t really help. Although lately the irritability has been starting to seep through and is actually affecting my relationship a bit…
    Honestly, sometimes it gets so bad that I feel like disappearing somewhere, making a life elsewhere without telling anyone where I’m going. When it’s overwhelming to that degree, I feel a panic and try my best to make it pass quicker…

    In order to combat it when I feel a strong depression coming on, besides listening to sad, yet beautiful music (which I only recommend to those who actually get some sort of relief from this method cuz I know for some people it can make it worse), I also write, play puzzles and games, and watch lots of shows to keep my brain distracted in my down time. I am trying my best to do at least one productive thing per day, which has been working well for me lately.

    Hell, even writing this has helped me wait some of this one out… I don’t know, just reading some of these comments make’s me feel grief just knowing that so many other people out there experience something similar or even worse to what I feel… I hope that anyone who was willing to read my entire post can see that they are not alone in their suffering… and reading things said at places like these, I recognize that too… but it’s not anyone’s fault that they’re different. I’ve felt like this my whole life, but it was worse when I was a teenager. I can’t say it will get better for you as you get older, as I’m not that old myself and depression is different for everyone, but I do hope that you can find some solace in knowing that I’m right here in my dark room too and I am STILL trying to foolishly grasp for that silver lining barely visible from this shadowy part of the world..

  • Nik

    This is strangely comforting beacause it at least part identifies a common theme. I have felt so many of the feelings expressed here. A sense of loss of the self. Angry and frustrated at feeling so empty as if I have nothing to offer. Nonunderstanding of purpose or meaning to life or my life. I sometimes get angry at the anger! And label myself as merely self indulgent and expect this label from my family members. I love them but feel like i am an inconvenience to them and a burden. I am a soloist singer guitarist and one would assume because I entertain it may be satisfying but I fèel such a fraud. Smiling through when inside I feel dead. Exhaustion most of the time. Perhaps due to strange working hours and style.Perhaps it is simply the time of doubt and uncertainty that come at certain times when change is needed..mine could just be a midlife crisis. I am angry that I do not have answers to all the questions I have about this life and feel I understand nothing about it. Best wishes to all here..ine slight comfort I repeat over is “it will pass” and ” nothing is permanent”

  • Jia yun

    I’m only 11, and is already experiencing depression. It feels like I’m two-faced. Like when people first met me, my impression on them is a happy-go-lucky, but when I’m alone at night, the happy mask falls apart and I cry myself to sleep for no apparent reason!! I keep thinking of how really happy I was just 18 months ago

  • Tammy

    I feel like i do everything wrong. I annoy my family and people around me. I don’t even feel like going out, all I do is go to work and come home. Nothing makes me smile or happy.

    I am 43 and I recently broke up with my bf 6 months ago after 10 years of a nothing relationship.. no kids, no ring, no marriage, didn’t even live together. I thought i”d be happier. I heard he started seeing someone a week after I broke up with him, obviously I meant nothing to him ever. He didn’t even bother to “try” to work things out.. just walked away. Probably was just waiting for me to end things anyway.

    I feel alone and ugly.. I am overweight and people look at me like I have a disease that is contagious. I wake up sad, I go to bed sad– I get so angry with my life and I feel like its out of control. I am everyones punching bag, no matter how much I do for everyone, I am constantly getting yelled at.

    Every day I feel l feel like I just take up space and exist. There is nothing in my life that makes me happy or to look foreword to put growing old and looking like an old maid.

    I think the world would be a much better place without me in it.

  • perla

    I seem to always have flash backs of my past. It hunts me and I get all upset ill start to cry and wonder why? I hate myself I hate how I look how I am and how I act. I grew up with an obusive step mother and a father that was never around. My father never liked to do anything with or any of my brothers and sister when we were growing up. I was constantly the 1 who was bossed around slapped around named calling from my step mom. She had and still have made me feel I was an ugly girl. She would say I’m ugly or I’m a slut when really I was 10! And never had anything with a guy! Bout when I was 14 I finally got moved to a better place but it didn’t help me much I ended up moving to my dads. At age 16 I started smoking marijuana and still do at this time (I am 22) I feel like marijuana is the only thing that keeps me at eaze and calm. I use to love being able to hang with friends but now days I don’t want to at all and when I do is for a short amount of time. I ended up having a baby boy who is 3 now and I went thru a lot while I was pregnant with him. I ended up getting pregnant with my 2nd child and ended doing an open adoption. I was going thru so much cried a lot while I was pregnant with my 2nd child. It got worse going thru adoption. It still is the same and my 2nd baby is 2 now. I want to give up everytime but when I look at my 1st child I start to cry and panic.. and think to myself I can’t give up now I have this kid who needs me. I am in a relationship and that’s what causes my depression worse at times. I’ve been thru a lot with my off and on boyfriend and I feel like there is no future with him. I want it to be but I have so much hate towards him for what we went thru.. I look up on google a lot lately about depression. I don’t want pills or meds to help me. I want something better maybe like god! I just don’t know how to start. How can I? And how can I keep myself positive

  • nic

    I think im depressed, im a stay at home dad, and ive gone from being super dad, to neurotic dad, I cry for no reason and that feels strange being a very manly man that I am, a man with a huge beard and big muscles crying looks awfully strange, the other morning I was extremely irrated with my children, who I love so dearly and cried after shouting at them, I never shout, I cried in front of them, they hugged me and seemed to understand, I feel alone and useless, I cant stop thinking about the seven million failures of my life before having children and I really feel like im gonna let them down, I relapsed into a cannabiss smoking problem and I cant get too sleep at night, and I don’t want to wake up in the morning,im hooked on news and want to go on every anti government protest but would probably just shuffle about saying nothing avoiding gazes, as I do when I take my eldest to school, help someone please, I really don’t knoe how to deal with this it’s new to me, its all very strange.

  • Karen

    Reading through these comments is a help. I feel less alone in my sadness. Currently under my rock, but taking medication that helps me get up in the morning put on my ‘everythings alright face’ and go to work. For me work (although really “takes alot of effort”) and medication and exercise help me get through the day. I don’t plan anymore and take it one day at a time, sometimes one minute at a time and during the tough times focus on the small stuff rather than big stuff.

  • peter

    when that person asks you if you are all right and you say “i’m fine” and they leave you. you actually feel terrible but don’t say anything.

  • Shaine

    These are two poems i wrote in my worst times. Keep in mind i was 12 when i wrote these:
    The memories fade,
    The light flickers,
    The hope we shared,
    Dimmers,
    Until at last,
    We collapse into shivers.

    Shall we rise or shall fall,
    Then again what first?
    If we have to lose it all
    Then our last words,
    Must rise
    And fall
    Until they can be remembered

    The first one reflects how i felt, and the second one reflexts how i wanted to feel.

  • Amy

    I’ve never been diagnosed as depressed but I have many of the symptoms. I ran to alcohol and sex for “relief”. But these things made me more empty inside. I have a loving family and an amazing boyfriend who wants to Matt me. Even when I “have it all” there’s still something that I’m lacking. I can’t explain it. And I hate myself for it. Why can’t I be more appreciative of my wonderful family and friends around me. I feel like a failure and that I’m “nothing”. I don’t want to feel or act this way. I know I’m not giving myself credit and I’m being to hard on myself. The thoughts are relentless and unmerciful.

  • James

    Wow, I wish I had 1 wish, because i would use it to make ALL of u feel better!! I am laying in bed right now feeling what i thought was depressed, reading all ur comments and its breaking my heart! Altho i have alot of feelings that some of u describe i know now that deep down i dont want to die, and that maybe it could be worse for me and i should consider myself lucky! I read a few comments from teenagers saying they have had enough and they want to die and its very sad! I wish i could meet all of u lovely people because i bet u are amazing! My eyes are starting to water as i think about what some of u are saying! Its so sad and no one deserves to feel like that! Please dont do anything stupid like kill urselves! I sit in my room all day mostly sleeping and i have hated everything for years now, i literally dont want to do anything anymore! I used to be out all the time and always the loud funny one and now nothing excites me at all, i cant even be bothered to watch tv most days i just lay in bed doing nothing! Im going to get up right now and make a tea and roll a little joint and play gta 5 maybe that will take my mind off everything being so shit! Please please tho, dont kill urselves!! Put on some comedies like only fools and horses and forget about the world for a few hours, and try to laugh as much as u can even if its a piss taking laugh at something that annoys u! Ie, Imagine everything that annoys u was joke, Like when u have a bad day and everything u touch breaks or goes wrong just be really sarcastic about it Out loud especially when ur alone lol trust me laughter and taking the piss out of shit stuff will cheer u up, like that program grumpy old men!! Also try listening to some ricky gervais, steve merchant and karl pilkington pod casts! Karl will make u laugh i garentee! Anyway, this is getting long lol but
    I sincerely hope u all get better and are happy very soon! 🙂

  • Rachid

    Hi My Rachid and I m so depressed and im loosing my kids my wife everything’s going wrong and I don t have the health insurance

  • travis

    I sometimes feel like everything just pisses me off even tho most the time it doesn’t then I also just been really tired after doing what I normally do and I feel like I just can’t do anything then sometimes I’ll go to do something but when I try I just cant. Another thing that happens is my parents fight a lot but not physicaly they just yell at each other because my dad gets angry easily (and so do I and idk why) I don’t try an isolate myself from people put sometimes it feels better to be away from people. But I just need some help like,idk something that can tell me if I’m really depressed or not or if its something else. So can someone please comment back or something and give me some kinda answer? I’m 14

  • Audrey

    Oh, how familiar all of these words are to me. The one descriptive I would add us something I have saidamy times,”it feels like I’m trying to walk through mud that is all the way up to my thighs”. Now, I swallow 17 different pills a day. There are no more RX medicine left for me yo “try”. This is it the bottom of the barrel.I gave up years ago on trying to be ” normal”. Now, I celebrate that to day I have my indepence. I will rejoice in that tomorrow may be the day that I go into the hospital and not come back out. Do little us known about the mental illnesses that plague people today. Note studies need to be done. I have no family history of mental illness..my children are all fine. Yet there is this one thing that lingers in my mind. As a young child I became very ill . I suffered sustained high fevers for days. I was sick for weeks. When I resurfaced and went back to school, I had changed. Everything seemed so dark. All the sunshine had been sucked out if the day. That was the beginning of the end. God bless!

  • who

    I smile because people expect me to, and it’s almost never genuine. I stare at the few people at school who are alone like me, and empathize with their emotions. I play online computer games 14 hours a day because it’s the only way i feel i can calmly communicate with others, even if all they’re saying is trash talk, i want to be alone yet, i don’t. People don’t look at me or give me attention unless they have to… i feel like a ghost… sometimes i just look around the class room and hope that someone else looks in my direction to reassure myself that i’m alive… they don’t look back. My psychology teacher is the only damn person in my entire life that has noticed the difference in me from other people. I should have died in the water all those years ago.. I will die in the water.

  • Tayler

    I know I’m a little late to the party, but I felt the need to comment anyway.
    I’m 22 years old, was diagnosed with depression half my life ago, but have been told it’s likely that I was just born with a chemical inbalance based on my self destructive and over the top behavior through my childhood.
    I’ve discovered that there are typically two types out depression: inward adds outward (or, as my grandmother with depression classifies it, suicidal and homicidal). Several of my family members are outwardly depressed, they lash out at others and blame the world for everything wrong in their lives. I’m more of the inward type. I feel I’m the one to blame for everything wrong in the world and feel even worse if I do lash out at others. I know there is something wrong with ME, not everyone else.
    I attempted suicide 5 years ago. After failing and seeing the pain I had caused my loved ones, I know I will never opt for that option again.

    These feelings you’ve described sum up my life as far as I can remember. I’ve been told by some to turn to god for strength… But I can’t see the good in a god who would afflict so much pain in so many people.

    Recently I’ve been feeling a new symptom to me: a feeling that I don’t even truly exist. I mean, I know I’m HERE. But I feel as though I’m just an empty shell, no soul left in me. I finally have a steady job that pays well enough and I feel as though, if it weren’t for the need to get up and go to with every morning, I would cease to exist. I would just disappear.

  • Joe

    I don’t know how to explain it any better then I feel DEAD inside. I feel like a complete fake at work as I put on a happy face. I really do like my job ( 1st job I liked in 24 years). I have type 1 diabetes since 1972 and watched my dad die of the same disease that I have had my whole life. I think about dying on a daily basis. Religion drives me crazy because I want to believe so bad, but I can’t make myself believe with my whole heart because I just don’t know. I am driving my family nutts. I love them with every ounce of my being and would die for any of them, but they irritate me. Why do I feel such irritation towards the people I love so much? I drink about 2x a week. I have a girl in my life who is the salt of the earth. I just can’t seem to give her anything back as I no longer feel ANYTHING. I don’t know if it my lack of dating experience, depression, or if I just don’t have any feelings towards her. I don’t feel that I am giving her the real without depression me. I haven’t been me for years. I work with her and put on such a happy face at work I feel that I am misleading her. I am trying SO hard, but I am dead inside. I can’t bare to let her down continuously. At one point in my life I was so full of life. Now I feel nothing. I have eased off on drinking and it does nothing. Drinking used to bring me a huge high. It gave me an incredible feeling. Now I just drink to feel numb. I could sleep eternally. I am always tired. I am csared to try anti depressants as I had a relative who killed himself ( while drinking) on them. I honestly don’t feel the need to continuously drink. I can go for weeks without it. I have been on meds before and they have done nothing for me. I am not crazy.. I don’t want to hurt anyone, but I am so sick of this. I do believe that life is not so terrible, but I just can’t feel good inside anymore. This has been the case for years. I am not suicidal. I just want to live again and I wonder if meds are the answer.

  • jazmin

    I feel like i hate everyone. I dont wanna be around people. Making a conversation is a hasle all i wana do is just be by myself. Everything irritates me. If someome asks me something ill yell and say. What do you want! Or i dont know! Everything just seems sad and boring i just wanna be alone home.

  • me

    First of all apologies for the long comment. As for me my depression comes and goes but when it comes it’s the worst feeling and is usually accompanied by anxiety and anxiety attacks. I just don’t seem to remember the last time I was happy with life. The thing that hurts is that I seem to have lost myself. I have always had issues with my emotions but never felt as I do now. I feel confused and lost in life. I don’t seem to find anything important. At times I know I have term papers due, exams, HW, but yet I can’t focus, at the moment I feel that it is not important. I just don’t seem to find anything funny or happy anymore. I often see myself dwelling about the past and little happy moments I can remember, but it seems that with time my few happy memories begin to disappear. In addition to the feeling of being forgotten and lonely I often have a pain in my chest, as if something were missing if something was wrong with life. I can’t complain I know that my life is not bad, there are people in worst situations but I just don’t seem to find happiness in it. The worst part is when people ask me why I feel this way, I always find myself saying I don’t know. I’m only 21, these next years should be the funnest and liberating years of my life, but it seems my depression is taking over them. I apologize for poring out my emotions but it was just getting to the point that I starting crying in one of my classes. This is taking over my life. I wish everyone that feels like I do the best and I hope that you find happiness and purpose.

  • Trent

    I’m always trying to cut but my girlfriend is there for me. I always ask her why dose she like me but she never tells me. Everything in my life I hate so much. I still wish that I was successful with killing myself.

  • Shadow

    I just recently learned that I might loose a cat that I have raised since a kitten. We have a really close bond and I don’t know what I’ll do without her,she’s my everything. I also have anxiety problems so I shake really badly and this is just making everything worse and my best friend is the only one I can talk to about it without being put in a mental asylum.

  • AUDREYANN

    I moved away.
    I took more pain then I left.
    Instead away from getting away,
    I took the pain with me.
    I changed. In bad ways.
    My feelings changed. My heart grew harder..
    I saw him go in & out of prisons & jails.
    I thought leaving with my mom would make things better.
    But, I’m more alone then ever.
    For a 15 year old who doesn’t even go home to her mom, can’t look at her dad, & only wants to disappear,
    I’m doing fine.

  • Ida

    I’ve had major depression for over 20 years. It comes and goes. I’ve been through a divorce, and never thinking I’d survive it, I found a new love in my life. I now have 3 beautiful children in life. My husband is a rock. And no matter what his uphill climb is he seems to not let a lot of things bother him like I do. But I will tell you those feelings of dread because you have to get up in the morning to look after your family, don’t go away. I cry all the time. I feel worthless, weak, unhealthy (even when eating healthy), I don’t want to eat, yet then I binge on unhealthy foods. I feel like I’m just surviving and going through the motions, but because I have to. I have all the feelings as stated above and then some it seems. I’ve attempted suicide multiple times, I’ve done the drugs and alcohol abuse thing (as I call it), but now it seems like there is no end to this feeling of doom and gloom. I’ve researched ways to kill myself, I know what and how I will do it… but I can’t bring myself to harming my family now in that way. I’m angry all the time and lash out at my family, even though they are my support and my reason for living, yet nothing seems to be important or I don’t want to do anything. I don’t think I have anymore tears to cry, and yet I will at the drop of hat and it will be for nothing. I feel like I’m pushing my family away, yet they are my reason for being here. I don’t want to live in this world where it seems no one cares about anyone, yet I can’t stand to hurt my family by ending my life. Where is the end of this feeling. When does it get better. I’m not smart, I don’t have a talent where I can excel, I don’t have the education… will this circle ever end. I can’t remember anything, and the things I do are all of my failures. I’m fat and ugly and those feelings don’t go away, even with people saying otherwise. What you have to say matters, yet it doesn’t. I feel confused over what I’m supposed to do and feel. And I struggle with body pain, headaches, over or under sleeping, because I will go through both. Yet I’m still here. I’ve gotten help before yet here we go again with another dbt group. I’ve been through cognitive therapy and it helps, but not always. Cuz here I go again… if this doesn’t work, I’m afraid I will only have one last attempt at suicide and this time I will succeed.

  • Veronica

    I wish I could love myself, and those that matter arounf me. I feel trapped and cornered not able to break free and be the person I used to know. I wish I cared enough to find help. I need someone or something that probably will never come. I’m drowning myself. I’m my own worse enemy.

  • Scott

    I compare myself to others too. And i know this is a large factor in my depression. I have always had trouble getting respect and I assume it’s because of the way I look and I’m scrawny and short. I know that simple things like talking to others even about random crap could slowly get me past this, slowly but surely. I have a small family and I’m afraid that what I have to say would shut my dad out of my life forever. I’m getting older and I need to prove that I can “make it” but it’s so hard. My mom passed at 3. All I hear in the media is you have to win win win. It seems difficult to do that when everything is weighing you down such as the economy and not enough experience. It seems as though you aren’t aloud to love another human being just for the sake of it, maybe it’s just me. I always have fantasies of moving out of the United States, or maybe out of My state.

  • Scott

    I feel like I can’t be myself around other people. I can’t show anger because I think that I will go berserk. I can just barely show affection because it has never been shown to me by none other than my sister. I want to get past this but it’s troubling when I see other people around me who seem even more depressed than me. Most oft depression seems to be because I can’t express my feelings to others. I just always assume they will give me the cold shoulder. I have such a fatalistic view on life that I’m afraid I go against certain corporate Norms in society. All I want to do is live my life and feel free but I feel trapped because I feel like I’m naturally an affectionate person as a man, but I don’t know how that would be perceived around others, and I hate the fact that I’ve tried having sex with women but things have ALWAYS gotten in the way. I just want to be myself around people regardless of the rigid social rules that I feel are prevalent in USA. Thanks.

  • Mackenzie

    I’m so used to feeling depressed all the time that I don’t even have the slightest idea of what happiness feels like anymore

  • Nick

    Hi
    thanks for this blog. I’m an ex serviceman, with a beautiful wife, and 2 newborn daughters, and earning more than I have ever done. I’ve been feeling crap for 2 years now, and have always used the “man the F up” technique. After reading your checklist almost 75% I’m going to talk to someone tomorrow

  • Kenya

    I just really wished my life was not so screwed up! I am a failure as a parent and i cannot keep my head above water. Sometimes i want to sleep and never wake up again. Then my nine year old comes and just loves on me. They give my my strength they make me happy but when i am alone i just cry for no reason. At work i cry in my cubicle sometimes not even realizing it is happening. I just wish i could pick up a phone and say mom dad can i come home, but they are dead and I really have no one i can call and say that too. the reality that i am truly alone is hurting me to the core.

  • Amanda

    I think i have depression right now.. I’m not sure.. I just got over having a broken foot for about a year, then I got a bad concussion and I seem to cry a lot and I get iterated more easily. Recently I haven’t been crying as much due to being back in school. For some reason I’m having this feeling as if I’ve been crying for hours but I haven’t today and I’m not sure if it’s related I just don’t know?

  • kerry

    im a 39 yr old man who suffered depression literally all my life from the age of 10yrs old… ive made too many attempts to end my life tht i cant count… my love life sucks even to this day, ive failed at everything i’ve tried… even though i try to do good … i feel like killing myself right now as im writing this… nobody wants me as anything… im always put on the sidelines like an ornament sittin in the corner of a room…i dont even know why im writing this now, only maybe to help someone to make right choices uinlike myself… good luck and bye.

  • Cris

    Is like walking with a big chain holding u, walking through water with a strong wind pushing you back.
    It feels lonely, no one cares. Everyone criticizes and they simply don’t understand how much pain and how difficult this is. It feels there is no hope, no future, no one that cares nor understands. No one that really wants us to get better. It feels like a million needles in the heart, like my whole body is going on strike and everything hurts. It feels like i want to hurt myself so badly, to punish my lack of worth. If feels like there is no point in tomorrow and dying is a much better idea.
    Crying is like breathing, and the pain, is just too much. But what hurts me the most is to see how no one person understands, nor cares.

  • Griselda

    I feel alone.my family is irritating me,my brother is to lazy to wash his own dishes and his kids say I don’t do nothing all day and I go to school and do homework while they do nothing.my nephews say gross things.i don’t smile like I used to and I just feel like crying for hours thinking.i wanna leave my home.i don’t like being at home,if I do I lock my self in my room the whole day!!i get suicidal thoughts but I don’t do anything,i don’t know wat to do anymore!!! Please help me…

  • Someone

    Depression has just taken over my life honestly. I’m so young, it’s sad. Our generation…we’re treated badly. My math teacher obviously doesn’t give a fuck about me. (Sorry about the language)
    I don’t know…last late November something bad happened and I lost my best friend. She just stopped talking to me. She didn’t talk to me when she walked back into the room. We just made eye contact. I could tell she was mad, sad, but yet not mad at me. I couldn’t live without her. She helped me. And I helped her. I’m sorry. This is so stupid. It took 3 months for us to talk again. I was so depressed. But the weather is colder now. It’s getting close to November. I got over what happened fast. And so did she. But…this weather reminds me of it. And I want to push everyone away and cry and never come out of my room and I just want to avoid school or avoid everyone. I can’t stand being there. My math teacher hates me. The counselor won’t leave me alone!I’m so depressed. I don’t feel suicidal again…yet. When it gets closer to November, I know I’ll feel suicidal and worse again. I’m sorry.

  • anonymouse

    I’ve had depression for a few years now, and I’m too scared to get help. I feel like I can’t tell my family, because they’d try too much and over exaggerate… I really want to get help though. Having depression is tiring for me and I just want to feel motivated and happy again, like I can do almost anything. I want to be happy again!

  • amanda

    I never expected this would be me battling depression. But here I am. Wake up and go to sleep everyday wondering if I’ll ever have a purpose in life. There is this feeling of every interaction with another person is no different, or meaningful from the next. I have these disturbing thoughts in my head that remind me of how my life really has gotten over the last few years. I feel tremendous amounts of guilt if I catch myself going against something I said that more than likely wouldn’t even deserve a normal person’s second thought. It’s like I say something, but am worried of how I’ll feel about it later on because of being a hypocrite. I’m may not look like a monster, but I feel like one with how I life my life everyday in fear, drive but no drive to wake up in the morning with a good enough attitude, and the worry of getting put into a deeper depression if I open up about my true thoughts and feelings. I want to tell myself there is hope for the future, but it isn’t easy at all. After writing this, it is time I at least commit to tell myself it can get better just without the knowledge of knowing how,when,where,or why, but it has to because I wasn’t like this before.

  • sameboat

    When you are drowning and everyone else is breathing normally. With no feelings, no high no low, and getting by each waking days….

  • Make it stop

    I feel like I’ve failed. I’m constantly comparing myself to other people, something I’ve learned how to do by my parents. With every bit of rejection, eye roll, rude remark it gets worse. It feels like I’ve gotten my ass whooped and every time someone passes by me, the kick me. I can’t tell my parents because I’ll feel worse. I’ve tried in so many different ways and have been misunderstood every single fucking time. They get angry. And defensive. And remind me how much they’ve done for me. And ask what they must’ve done in a past life to get such awful children. I don’t mean to make them feel like shit. I just want help, you know? I can’t afford a therapist or anything. I’m left with the Internet and maybe a few self help books. Nothing works for long. My thoughts are so loud. I fantasize about running away or what my funeral service would be like… I imagine all the people who didn’t give a fuck while I was alive suddenly crying and giving these speeches about me…. All the phoniness. I treat everyone I come across the way I want to be treated and still get shitted on, even by “best friends” I never reject them how they reject me, no matter how shitty I’m feeling n the inside. It’s never reciprocated entirely. I used to think I was just extremely sensitive. I haven’t been diagnosed but I know this is depression. Fuck this. I just want it to stop.

  • Unsure

    I feel stupid. I feel worthless. I feel like a burden to everyone. I feel paranoid. I feel like I can not talk to anyone because every time I try to I’m misunderstood and taken for some sort of complainer. My mother is constantly asking God what did she do to deserve such a rude child. I feel bad. I’m constantly looking out of my bedroom window, wondering if I should just jump. I started cutting again. I feel like no one wants anything to do with me. I Cry every time I’m alone. I can not keep a job because I find it hard to get out of bed. I want it to stop. I just want it to stop. I’m so tired. I can’t breathe. I feel weak. Everyone thinks I’m so happy. Everyone thinks I get all the guys. Everyone thinks I’m so strong and positive. I’m not. I want it to stop.

  • Fred Potter

    One worrying thing about my depression is the flavour life seems to aquire. I can’t describe it accurately, but something is dark in my brain, dead, but the feeling resembles being alone in creation, like I’m making it all up. When this feeling lifts, I cannot make it come. It comes only by itself.

  • Cole

    My dad was phyisically and emotionally abusive to me until i was 13, im currently 16, and then he walked out on me. My mom and him got divorced before that though. And i blame myself everyday. Whenever i look in the mirror i see darkness…nothing else.

  • Lydia

    I sleep because it is the closest thing to death. I hate getting up and leaving my room. I’ve always felt embarrassed to go out my door and see my family. I go out at night when everyone is asleep. I seem to feel kind of normal when the world is asleep, like I’m the only one left. I always compare myself to others – never grew up with parents who really loved me or knew how to nurture. One never wanted me and the other fought to have me. I wished they just didn’t – this world isn’t meant for sensitive, empathetic people. So, I write and I sleep and hope that this is just another phase and I will have something wonderful again that I can keep the darkness away. This is the worst I’ve felt since high school, many years ago and the worst the world has felt too. Depression seeps into your bloodstream and makes everything feel bad.

  • Hajar

    society puts so much pressure on us. I am genuinely a nice person mostly to my friends and family so like i always do these little things for example me my sis and my mum have to share a bed due to the many guests we have. no one wants to sleep in the middle so even though I’m really tired I go out until my sister sleeps because she sleeps in a second while I take hours and once she slept I went and tried to move her because I can’t sleep in the middle at all so she wakes up and starts shouting to my mum and complains that I woke her up and annoyed her, my mum, who’s in the bathroom, then shouts at me and tells me to get out. I felt trapped it was about 2 am I was sleepy and all the rooms were taken. Now that I couldn’t sleep I started thinking about everything wrong in my life, I am a pushover; my parents told me to go study in malaysia and I said yes even if I didn’t want to, because it’s cheap there and they really talked me into it, i hated it there and I couldn’t stay so I went back home, and that caused me to miss a semester of uni for nothing! Now my sisters keep making fun of me because I’m doing nothing all day, calling me a lowlife and such. I am tired of being weak and emotional, everything my family and friends do hurts me, theyre very mean because they know that I won’t reply because of my weakness to do so. Sorry for this long message but lately I’m feeling very depressed. I hate my life, I have suicidal thoughts altho I would never suicide be cause it’s against my religion. I feel like dissapearin just so the people who use me could know my worth. I am also servelrly indecisive about EVERYTHING. its crazy. I feel like everything in my life is a mess. I stopped trying to follow my passion, I started watching TV shows 24/7 to forget about my life and I cry about thrice or more every week. If I could just stay in my room I will get over this depression maybe but I can’t because my room is occupied. I really hate selfish people and all my family seem selfish, it’s annoying because I am nice to them and get nothing in return.

  • I'd rather not say

    I feel like everything is dull, lifeless. Smiling is a struggle when there’s no reason for it. Going to sleep is a relief, getting up feels like emotional suicide. I have no interest in things I used to enjoy greatly. I get weird migraines and stomach aches. I constantly feel worried about friends, loved ones, school, etc. I’m not sure if this is depression, but it seems like it to me.

  • Lisa Jansen

    I can’t stop crying. I have a hard time falling asleep, and sometimes I can only sleep for a couple hours. Other times, I sleep for 12 hours or more. My stomach hurts and I can’t eat because I’m not sure it will stay down. I have nearly constant headaches – from the crying and from clenching my jaw. I feel worthless-like why would anybody bother with me, what am I good for? I can’t even work right now, because I can’t cope with the stress of talking to people I don’t know. I feel like a burden to my friends and family because it seems like I have so many problems that they shouldn’t have to deal with. And “I can’t” keeps running around in circles my head.

  • No Ill pass

    I know why I am depressed. 7 years and counting. My depression is based in the facts of real life events. Many seprate events but each life altering.

    I feel I would not be normal if I was not depressed over all these events. I get mad when people say this is a medical desease the fault of the depressed. Depression is caused by real events!!! Depressed people want the events changed taken back and made right. i.e. no job ..they get a job…Depression over..

    Depressed from real things you cant undo, or others cant undo, some things done to you by others they dont want to undo. Things you cant un-hear things you cant un-see. The only cure for my fact based depression is to undo what can not be un-done. To go back in time and somehow try and change what even then I had no control over. So the last 7 years I continue to wait for something to change, It can’t, I foolishly hope to wake each day not here but back to a normal world. I feel like I died and this world i find myself in is my personal hell. Quantom: I passed to another frquency of this world, this new world is just off a little from “real” or other world I fit into and left at some point.

    I am trapped with no way to change anything. I have lost everything emotional and phyical, Wife Children only sister,all friends, job, home, savings and I’m 59.Dont tell me I should be happy! That be-littels the events as unimportant. From where I was to where I am now I have a right to be depressed. Pills and drugs cant help this talking to unconnected strangers paid or not cant help this.

    I dont know why people cant understand this… its like a scar it will not can not go away. If im depressed over a scar the only way back is to remove the scar that can not be removed. What am I to do ?… suffer just suffer… true hell I can not escape or change.

  • Anonymous

    You basically feel like shit . you feel like no one is there for u you feel like u can’t do anything and you have no future. When I told my mum I might have anxiety and depression issues she laughed and said no you don’t. Plus when ur in this state of mind never smoke weed makes it much worse

  • William

    its weird it does sneak up on you. Its hard to tell anyone what your feeling because you cant pinpoint how you feel. when your start to realize you always say what’s the point. I don’t care and whatever and truly mean it. I can’t let myself really think bout anything writing this is making me cry. It’s like something deep in your gut just chokes off your air and its really hard to breathe. You push it down but it gets harder and harder to find a reason to keep going. That’s wha it feels like to me.

  • Leah

    I feel like I’m dying inside, like I’m drowning in the darkness. I’m lost, and there isn’t a lighthouse to show me the way. I feel worthless, like trash that needs to be taken out and burned. There is no hope and there is no help, only hell. My choices are bleak either live in hell or end my pain and go to hell. I have a nine year old daughter who is used as a weapon against me. I have been told I am weak because I can’t just ‘get over it’. For almost 17 years now I have been fighting depression. I am tired, so damn tired. It is a battle just to get out of bed every day. I look at my daughter and I am filled with love but at the same time I know she deserves a mom that’s not a worthless peice of crap. I hate life, but how can I say good bye to my daughter? I know if I end my torment I will never see her again.

  • Jen Lebel

    I feel lost, and so sad. I feel resentful that despite all my efforts to beat depression, I cannot control it.
    I do not want to burden others nor do I want to be phony. Intellectually I know I have blessings, so in addition to being depressed, I feel guilty.

  • ron

    Wow, it is so painful to read all your replies.Having been through depression for years but managed to get out of it.
    If you think that there is no one out there to help you,look deep down inside your heart and there you will find someone who really cares and loves you.
    Stay strong and remember you are special and deserve happiness like everyone else.

  • Shawn

    Depression makes me feel numb, like there is a resounding echo of emptiness in my head. I feel unable to do anything and overwhelmed with sadness. I feel like running away from myself. I watch time go by for days unend. I look at people going about their daily activities and wish I could do what they were doing. I feel pitiful and have an insatiable need for comforting. I have no confidence in myself. I long for the person I used to be, the real me. I wonder at how long more I have to wait before I am me again.

  • Matt

    In a serious conversation about myself I fight to not tear up in front of the person. After I feel really down, i don’t know how I should continue, should I try to change a bit? or continue the same way i was before? I don’t know. I think of how my future will be like. Nothing. I see nothing yet i keep trying. I fight off all these negative thoughts but I know they will eventually come back. I continuously play games to try to forget, soon enough, it is my only way out.

  • onceuponatime

    I despise humankind as a whole. Sometimes I doubt that I have depression, and yet there are times I feel like its undeniable. I’ll be normal one moment, and then the next, it’s like something just…hits me. Suddenly, the work is foggy and dark at the edges, and the negative thoughts that pry at the back of my mind become a frenzy, bouncing around in front of me as my vision blurs and zone into a world of confusion, uncertainty.

    I’m always doubting myself and my choices, and I hate, hate crying, so I bottle it all up and just cross my fingers and force myself not to break open. I listen to music to sway my emotions, but sometimes, listening to happy, upbeat music is a drag.

    Sometimes, the people I’m “close” to suddenly become so immensely despicable and irritating that I want to kill them. Then, when this happens, I know I’m having what I refer to as “a bout of depression”.

    It’s during these moments that I it feels like there is something weighing on me heavily, like I’m being crushed by a weight far too heavy for my strength.

    I always feel like everything in the end is futile. There is no meaning to life, I think, and human emotions are void of any meaning.

    I despise that we think we are so important, that we are so hypocritical, so greedy. I despise the fact that I am the same.

    I am nearly always angry, sad, or annoyed, and really, I’m starting to think that entertainment I get from life isn’t worth it. The silly, dumb show that is life is boring at this point. The sad part is that I haven’t even been around more than 13 years for it.

    Depression. Let me tell you, I don’t know if I have it, and I won’t diagnose myself with it. Still, I know what it is like to be hopeless and despondent all the time. After a while, I’ve closed myself off, becoming apathetic to most things. I have given up on trying to feel the good things, because that opens you up to even more pain, and while hopeful idiots say that a little pain is worth it, it really isn’t.

    It’s better to not feel rather than feel like you’re drowning.

    Just today, I was speaking to my friend about how I was forgetting everything because of the rehearsals I have everyday after school and how everything was just stressing me out. She said, “Why don’t you just not do it if it stresses you out so much?”
    I replied, “I wish I could. I honestly don’t like rehearsals at all.”
    “Then why do you do them?” She asked.

    It was then that I realized even my mother stressed me out, piled on more of this anger and sadness that I told her about but she didn’t believe. My mother piled on things, beat me down, and then told me to “get over it”. As though “rewarding” me will help.

    Today, I looked at her in the car and said, “Mom, I’m tired.”

    She looked at me and grinned. “So, will a little bit of coffee pick you up?”

    “No. I need sleep.”

    She didn’t understand. “It’s nothing a little Starbucks can’t fix. Plus, too much sleep makes you more tired.”

    Maybe she was right. Still, lately I’ve been having lucid dreams that I’m trapped in, things I cannot change. Each night, my dreams force me to experience emotions worse than the last: disgust, horror, anger, sadness…

    The worst part is that after I wake up finally from those awful dreams I can’t escape, I’m so tired that it’s like I had spent the night at war.

    Sometimes, I’m happy, too. And yet, even then, it’s like there’s a demon on my back, a weight I can get used to, but never forget, because each time it starts to go away, it shifts a little and comes back into focus.

    I don’t have enough inspiration or dedication to keep carrying extra weight.

  • Tricia

    I have all of the above feelings except suicide. But only because my mom & my son need me to be here. I only live to keep them happy. They have no idea how I feel & I can’t tell them.
    I have ruined my own life so I can’t ruin theirs too. I am an idiot. I have totally screwed up my life and I deserve nothing good. Sometimes I think if I would just stop taking my blood pressure meds then I would just have a heart attack or a stroke and then it wouldn’t be suicide but really it still would be. Everyone thinks I am fine. Hell they even think I’m wonderful and I don’t deserve to have them feeling that way about me. I am nothing more than a waste of space. And yet I still don’t want to die because it would hurt them too much. And they don’t deserve that. They are too good to have to go through that. I love them so much that I could never bring that kind of pain into their lives. They truly are the ones who keep me from going completely down to the depths of no return.
    I am one of those useless creative types who only wants to paint but lately I can’t even succeed at that. Even my paintings suck now. I used to be so good at that and now I can’t even think clearly enough to create anything worth looking at. I feel so broken. Broken beyond repair. And its all my fault. So I deserve it.

  • me

    I think I’m depressed and I don’t know how to make myself feel better. sometimes I feel like I’m so much better off dead but I won’t kill myself. I try to act happy but I’m not. I feel invisible most of the time. I just hope these feelings go away one day.

  • kajalsingh

    I feel lik depresed nd cant focus on my studies…nd feel lik loss of memory…cant..remember anythig quickly..nt intrested to talk…jst feeling lik sad….wat to do…to overcom from this…

  • Devin

    What does it feel like to be depressed? I think it’s more of a void or absence of feeling anything for the most part. I’ve been depressed for 20 years now so I should be able to write a book on it, yet it’s so elusive in its description…nebulous, amorphous, intangible. If it was easy to describe than it’d be a hell of a lot easier to address and fix. Just imagine hating yourself so much that getting ready in the morning, having to look in the mirror, makes your day shit before it even starts. Your only respite in life is substances that dull you, legal or otherwise, does it even matter? And they only feed the cycle of your depression, exacerbating your self loathing to new levels you didn’t think were possible. The word ‘depression’ is just a euphemism for “I’m fucking trapped in my head please help me goddamnit.” We want to be happy too, we simply don’t know how or have forgotten what that even means anymore.

  • Beautygreen

    Numb, yet aware but just don’t care. Get through the day fake smiles, pleasantries. Get home and out come the tears. No one knows, my outer beauty has always concealed my inner ugly, pain. No one knows, my physical beauty makes others treat my issues as though they are ridiculous, “what issues could someone like myself have” is how I am treated. Always has been this way, for the past 25 years. I am now 41, still the same. Outside smile, perfect, inside sad, remorseful, full of fear and doom. Meds only help so much because I cannot stand to feel spacy. Some days I wish I could crawl into a shell and stay there.

  • Lwa Bak HO

    I am depress for a century and tried to suicide before. Every morning when I wake up I will feel like very tired and don”t feel like going to work. Am I very seriously sick or any other sickness?

  • Andrew franklin

    It’s so hard to breathe. Air feels thick as cheesecake and I am exhausted just breathing. I can’t trust nor can I control my thoughts. Someone else is at the helm. I believe in a personal Devil and my depression is proof. Only he could force all abandonment of hope despite facts to the contrary. I have a great life but I am miserable.

  • deana smothers

    oh how i can relate to everyone here. i get up and go to work and somehow function through my work day but when im done the realaity of me comes back. i think of killing myself every damm day. the thoughts that im the worst person on the face of this earth just dont stop. i think how my kids and grandaughter deserve so much more than a piece of garbage like me but at the same time i dont want to hurt them by lkilling myself. i just pray that ill die in some freak accident. my thoughts jump around on this never ending machine and it wont stop. i thank my mother for doing this to me…when i was really little she used to say you better watch how you act cause people are watching you…ive lived with this all my life but it has been getting progessivly worse recently. i dont know what to do anymore. ive lost all interest in anything. now the madness of social anxiety has reared its ugly head and i have no where to turn….

  • nonimportant

    if there was a pause button on life… i wouldn’t hesitate to push it. i don’t want to die, that would mean missing out on my kids… but i just would like a BIG LONG BREAK from anything and everything. i could sleep for an eternity, maybe then nothing would irritate me and i might want to clean and cook and shower every day… but right now all i do is yell and scoff at people even my family…and lay around like the cat.. i’m sure a check up with the dr is in order but i dont feel like actually going anywhere…

  • Jade

    On the outside everything has fallen into place. My job is amazing. I graduated from college with a great GPA. I work in my community. I’m always smiling. I’m genuinely happy about that. But that’s just my daily compartment. The one I open when people are around. As soon as I stop moving the other compartment opens. I’m sort of the opposite of what I’ve been reading. Instead of sleeping too much I don’t sleep enough and I’m exhausted but can’t do anything about it. Instead of doing nothing I make myself do everything. I constantly feel like I have to work towards my goals so that no one can see how I really feel inside. No one can see that I’m being pulled apart at the seams. No one can see that i cry every time no one is around. I cry for the three babies I lost even though I went right back to work and school. I cry for my marriage because my husband is so mean to me. I feel like I’m unraveling slowly and if anyone even looked slightly beyond the surface it’s so visible. But they don’t because they don’t really care as long as I look the part. That’s all that seems to really matter to my family. One more thing happens and I feel like I’ll snap. I really don’t know what to do.

  • Katy

    Sometimes I feel the saddest part of depression is not knowing why we are sad and why we feel so much hate in our souls…. When I get sad o hate myself so much I just wanna punch a mirror and feel alll the little peices hurt so that pain can take my mind of myself…or maybe I feel like I deserve pain…. When I do get sad or upset I wanna take it out on my self I am not talking suicide buy sometimes I feel,I need to,almost punish myself. But then I think for what? Why am I sad why am I crying and not being able controll my feeling or understand them makes,it worse……and I wanna tLk to other and vent but when I do my,mind goes blank and my words freeze like no one will understand BC I dont….. Mans biggest fear is the unknown…..and its scary feeling…..
    I wanna,truat someone to talk to but I hate feeling pittyed or weak like what if I let u in so far.and you take the rest of me? ….. This is what my depression feels like and in our minds no one may ever understand BC theyre simply.not us…. I feel the question I need,to ask myself is,not what I can change about myself buy change how I think analyze n process my thoughts…. But idk,how… ~Katy age 19 Illinois

  • jh

    I feel helpless and selfish all at the same time. I used to care so much about what other people thought and felt, now I just don’t care enough to try. Or I lie. I lie alot. Maybe I want to believe this isn’t who I turned out to be. I just gave up. I don’t know if that “person” was really ever who I was in the first place. Maybe I’ve been this horrible person all along and I am finally coming to terms with it. I feel like everyone is fake. I can’t hold my eyes open at work. My legs and back feel like I run marathons every night when I sleep. My son deserves a better mother. My husband hates me. My dreams scare me to death. I don’t deserve a second chance. Ive already screwed everything up so bad that theres no point in making things right anymore. Too selfish to hurt myself because my heart does beat for my son. If it wasn’t for him I be WAY worse off than I am right now. I’m too hard on myself. I KNOW I deserve to be treated better sometimes, but I bring most of it on myself. REALITY is I’m probably crazy.

  • me

    I know how beautiful everything around me is because i myself have seen it with my own eyes. But right now, i can’t appreciate any beauty. I can’t see it. I am feeling like no one loves me, no one cares about me the way i care about them. I feel lonely even surrounded people. I think of happy memories and feel sad because it feels like nothing will ever feel that again. I’m late for work everyday because i can’t pull myself out of bed. I started trying too be more positive and think happier thoughts and it did help for a while, i felt happier. Then, somehow i regressed and here i am again. I’ll hear a song on the radio and start crying. I’ll get off work and be driving home and start tearing up. I’ll be at work and hearing people laugh and talk makes me sad because i don’t have anyone. I feel weird and different. I drive by a house with a family and feel sad and jealous because i don’t have a family in my house. Its a scary feeling. I want to have a happy life. I hope things turn around.

  • mary

    I was simply not allowing myself to feel what was really
    going on inside. My depression feels like I am being suffocated. Like
    there is an anvil on my chest that won\‘t go away. Nothing has a point
    or meaning anymore. Such a feeling of insignificence, dirtiniess, like I
    am not even a person anymore. All I want to do is cry, but I don\‘t
    feel as though there are any more tears left to cry

  • Raiven

    I didn’t think I was depressed until my little brother told me I was. I’ve been cutting my arms since middle school but not even was I depressed really. It wasn’t until I moved across the country going into my junior year. The amount of alone I felt was in parallel to anything I’ve ever felt before that’s when my cutting became terrible. I would carve words and demands into my skin then burning myself. I noticed I would randomly cut everyday. Then at school the pain of being alone was to much so I Would bring water bottles full of vodka just to get through the day. I never saw a future for myself and to this day I still don’t. A lot changed when I joined the school play, I always wanted to be an actress but never believed I could ever achieve. When I got into the play I was ecstatic, And even more so when our play won the state championship. But when the play was over. And I didn’t make the next one the world started to shift agian. I began carving the word food into my leg one day. But before I could start cutting agian I lost my razor. It drove me crazy until people started noticing my scars. When my little brother noticed I felt so ashamed I vowed to never cut agian. And months later I am here now and gas found my razor but hasn’t scared my skin sense.

  • Heidie

    My daughter used to be the only thing that kept me going. Lately it feels as if she is being taken away from me, she’s always with my mother, it feels as my husband don’t want her. I cry when animals are being hurt but feel cold towards people. I don’t want to visit people, I don’t want to talk to anybody & get upset if people talk to me. if I do talk it feels like no one is listening. I’m always thinking of a way to end it without it looking like suicide because if I do my daughter will lose the house & everything because none of my policies will pay if I commit suicide

  • Winnifred

    Thank you for sharing, I wanted so much to be upset by the passing of Robin, death does not come very easy for me since the passing of my father, I want everyone to live life to the fullest, but I guess this disease takes away that desire. I love everyone that is coping and I want you to put up a very good fight please try.

  • Maddie

    It feels like a switch inside me was shut off. I don’t feel unnaturally sad. I just don’t feel. It’s a sort of sad numbness, one where I can’t feel pain but I no longer feel joy. It creeps up on me, and I can never expect it. It consumes my energy and erases whatever motivation I have to do anything of importance. And because I don’t keep up with my responsibilities, there is a gradual onset of anxiety that always seems to follow these waves of depression. That anxiety seems to overwhelm my system and flip the switch, and yet again the cycle of depression repeats itself. It feels inescapable.

  • Dave

    It really hurts… So much of the things here describe how I feel. I haven’t been diagnosed with depression, but I know I have it, but I’m just, I’m scared to hear someone else tell me I have it, I don’t know why. For me, my feelings are some of the ones listed above, but a few different ones like these.

    ·I don’t only feel loneliness, I feel that there will never be something I can do about it.

    · Stupid things (even small things) I did years in my past haunt me every hour, and their enough to make me cringe.

    · I feel like everyone is watching me, sometimes even though it’s a picture.

    · None of the things I do make me happy.

    · I feel like even if I tried, I could never feel loved.

    · I constantly day dream of love and someone longing for me if I die, and all of the things I wish I could do or be, and it hurts.

    · I sometimes say how I don’t want to live.

    · I usually only play piano when it rains ( I don’t think this is too related, but someone else might do the same.)

    · I feel that my view of the world is in 3rd person.

    · I’ve never been proud of myself.

    I don’t know if this is what others can feel, but if some of these are, please know that your not all alone.

  • Cindy

    Please read. This is so very important. One day it just the cruelty of depression just stopped. Yes all on its own. I wanted to go out. I wanted to shop. I could remember once I got to the store what I went shopping for. I smiled and felt it. No more wishing for laughter.
    No more waking up asking myself is this the day I am freed from depression only to be followed with major pain in my chest and tummy. There were so many ugly things that just stopped. I did have to relearn to cook. I still haven’t contacted my lost friends, I am still a home body and I do still cry a lot. But I haven’t had the torment that comes from depression for over one year. I feel so much better and I want you all to know that there is hope. You can get better even if it is some what better. Please see yourself better. Everyday say in your head “I FEEL GOOD”. I myself am going to get even more out of this mind trapping hell hole, because “I FEEL GOOD”. God Bless you all.

  • The pain will end some day.

    It feels like this:

    Nothing except emptiness. You put on a mask to please all the other people. A mask of happiness. A smile. You know its not real and i do too. You are cheery and happy all day then you go home and,peel off the mask and let your feelings pour out. You cry for hours on end. You dont sleep. Then you force yourself to get up. And you drag yourself through the day full of fake happiness. You go home and the cycle begins a new. Then one day you have nothing to pour out no tears to cry. And you decide you’ve hurt for long enough you take a knife. And you slip away in to sweet sweet relief. And thats the end.

  • Lou

    I am 81 years old….. I have depression and anxiety. I did take for long time and did help….but was reformulate to generic and dint work any more….. i did try many meds …..non did help. Please tell me what to do.
    Thank you for your understenting.
    i am in Canada but i was borne in Italy

  • jasmine

    hi, so I am a 16 year old girl who has been battling depression for about a year now.it all started when I moved from florida to newyork.my parents had gone threw a harsh devoirce 2 years before that but we were and still or working though the corks. my mom had found solice in her highschool sweetheart and had me and her move up to new York while my brothers moved to the other side of the country with my dad to live in our birth place, Oregon. at first I wasn’t really shaken up by the sitchuation until it all came at me full force. I had started school in a different state knowing no one. I had no one to talk to at school or at home seeing as my mother worked long hours, her being a nurse and I wasn’t really to close with my stepdad. I began to have frequent panick and anxiety attacks. everything that used to be easy and natural for me became hard to do, such as talking to people in general. I had developed a social anxiety that kneeded away at me. I had no friends in school and no one to talk to at home. I was alone. I cried myself to sleep every night and thought of the person I had become in these past few months, I had become a girl with no friends, no interests, no hobbies, a girl that skips class frequently, a girl that couldn’t give a damn about her future because her present was already fucked up, and I all in all became a girl that I never wanted to be. my already diagnosed disorder of hypochondria syndrome had come back full force along with the anxiety and I believed that I had every illness in the books and that I need to write up my will stat before I went six feet under. I had sunken into a deep depression a deep low that I never dreamed existed. I always used to see those commercials for Zoloft or Prozac on tv woundering to myself hows some one gets depressed and to this day I am still woundering how. you never really feel your self sinking into it until ur to deep to dig yourself out and the cause is un known its like a phantom hiding in the shadows. my theory is that the cause lies in all the pressures that you face in your daily life and theirs just those certain people like you and me that cant bare its heavy weight. in the middle of the school year I had finally met my step sister who lived in new jersey with her mom. she her self was a depressed but for different reasons. she had soon introduced me to the world of alcohol and weed. these mind altering substances making me feel like I wasn’t a depressed mess but a normal person. I was just to high to see that it was actually the opposite. soon she had introduced me to this boy that I started to really like named will, he was my first hook up and the last one ive had since than. I fell into a deeper state of depression since than because I longed for this boy that didn’t long for me as much as I did him, things ended up not working out for the two of us. all of these things just mad me want to get even more shit faced. I could give a shit about my future or what life would bring because my life was already bad. I hated everything, lost interest in life, and I didn’t want to live anymore. I know, a hypochondriac is a person who is afraid of dying but at the time and still sometimes even to this day dying looks like a great option, but I would never have the balls to do it. no its summer and life still sucks but no my depression is at a different state and it boggles my mind because now I don’t feel like crying every second of every minute of every hour of every day. now I feel nothing. I feel abosolutly nothing. nothing excites me. things make me cry but not like they used to. im am like a blank piece of paper. I am emotionless and feel nothing and I don’t no what is wrong with me.

  • Ashley

    I’m not sure that what I feel compares to those that have commented before me. But I live in a constant state of unsureness. Worry incessantly about every move I make. I wonder if it is my husband? I can’t get up sometimes. I feel heavy and my eyes are thick. It all kind of seems silly, this hustle and bustle of life. I have moments of clarity, where it’s like the veil is lifted and things are clear and brighter and that is the only time that I realize that I must have been depressed.

  • Michelle

    I feel as if I feel too much and not at all, at the same time. I want everything I have to do (like homework, personal life, social life etc.) over and done but I can’t get the resolve and energy to do more than just exist, day after day. It’s really annoying that I can’t get my life together and grow a spine and do what I need to and sometimes I want to cry but I can’t muster energy for even that.
    I often feel as if everyone finds me annoying and that my friends are just a farce, and it’s horrible because I want to talk to people but I think they’ll find me annoying (after all I find myself annoying, so why shouldn’t they?). It’s frustrating and I don’t want to live any more. Except it would take too much effort to kill myself.

  • skittlefuck

    I am 14, going on 15 in one month. I do not go to school, every day is equally or more painful that the last. All I think about is how I will make money to get ahead, so that I can support myself and so that I can buy this and that. I hate everyone, everyone just seems so annoying, even my family. I know it’s a stupid thing to be annoyed of your family, but sadly, I am and I don’t know why.
    When I interact with people on the outside (which I never do) I get queasy and my heart hurts (as in physical pains) -I get super sweaty and can’t talk. In short, it’s just a whole fucked up awkward mess when I try to socialize.

    The only time I am truly comfortable is when I’m talking to people online, and I’m safely sitting in my chair a country away. Or if I am at the computer making art with music on.

    It seems impossible to live, focus, or feel any shred of comfort if I don’t have music on and I am by myself.

    I’ve considered suicide a numerous amount of times but I don’t have the balls to actually go through with it.

    I’ve given up on working out, it just doesn’t even seem worth it anymore since I feel like I won’t be going anywhere in life.

    I don’t know if what I am feeling is depression, or it’s just me being me -I realize that all these things I’ve listed probably sound childish, but I don’t know what to do anymore. One time my mom tried to have a “talk” with me, I just can’t bear it, it just made me mad and angry inside.

    I want to cry, but I never do since I think it’s a stupid thing to do. I haven’t talked to anyone else besides someone in my family for over a year, I don’t even know what I think about that, I feel like I don’t care but at the same time I do care.

    I don’t know what to do, I don’t even know if this is depression or I’m just “weird”, but I really fucking hate everyone. Writing this was also probably a waste of time.

  • Megan

    I’m sixteen years old, and I’m pretty damn sure that I have some sort of depression. I’m not exactly overweight, but I’m not skinny. I’m sort of thick. I’m okay as far as looks go, however, I have some acne on my face and a lot on my back. I’m afraid to ever go to prom because all the dresses would show my back. I don’t wear bikinis because of that, and the way my body’s shaped. I cry extremely easily and my family annoys me a great deal. I do find myself being irritated by my friends often. I feel tired a lot. I don’t have a lot of motivation to do anything. I have dark thoughts sometimes. I’ve felt suicidal on and of since January of this year. I don’t believe that love exists due to everyone in my family. I have absolutely no hope for my future. I do good in school, but I just don’t think I can survive college or the “real” world, if I feel like I can barely survive high school. I’ve always had low self esteem, but I feel like it’s steadily gotten worse over the years. My dad took me to a doctor once to talk about anti-depressants or something to control my hormones, but he thought it would be a bad idea because the side effects can cause (especially young people, apparently) more suicidal thoughts/actions. I really wish I could take the medicine. I’m so tired of feeling this way. Everyone tells me “you’re young, you have no idea what depression is.” They’re wrong. Young people feel just as much as adults do, and I’ve had more than my fair share of sorrows, so far.

  • Reema

    Did ever feel like you setting in bus or train feeling nothing don’t know we’re you going or why like you lost your memory I just feel like want to jump of but I can’t

  • k

    All i can do is cry. I feel like im not good enough for anything/anybody. About 3 weeks ago, i dislocated my knee. Thought it was nothing. It had happened before. The doctors then scheduled a MRI and turns out i had to have surgery. I just had surgery like 3 days ago. I have to depend on my mama for everything. I think thats the reason ive been REALLY depressed lately. I cry every night. But its not just now thats im depressed.. before this i was depressed to. I try not to go out in public or go anywhere where theres people. Even school.. i almost failed my grade because i couldnt get up in the morning. And not only that i was bullied.. on top of that my grades werent the best. I felt as if i wasnt good enough for anything. I tell myself everyday that this year im going to do better, make my folks proud. But.. it just doesnt seem to stick.. because i know im going to do the same thing again. Im overweight.. people picked on me about that. But since the summer started, i havent ate right at all. I have been going days without eating.. and then when i do eat i eat once and i throw it back up.. and of course suicide thoughts. There not AS bad as thry were before school lwt out. They come very often now though… sorry for all this, i just wanted to spill my feelings without being judged

  • Chantell

    Depression feels like the deepest, darkest, most barren, hopeless, numbing, soul crushing never ending and infinite torture of the worst things you can ever feel, imagine or experience. Everything means nothing and nothing means everything. Feeling like your standing still while everything moves around you. Screaming but only you can hear. Some days wanting to go to sleep and never wake up, not because you want to die but just because you don’t want to wake up again. Curled up in a ball in bed unable or unwilling to move, staring into nothingness. So alone.In the depths of despair forever more. Broken from all the pain. Always trying to remember tomorrow is a new day, soldier on.

  • wendy

    A deep dark chasm where I don’t care if I come out. Sometimes a slimy murky well with no chance of seeing out. Too tired to try to leave. And don’t care who looks for me. I don’t want to be found. Hoping for a natural death, lightning strike, stroke, anything to give me relief. My head aches and aches. I am hungry but not. I am so tired. My mom suffered the same way I do now. This recent lapse is the worst I have felt in 20 years. The only people who understand and can console you are those who taken that path with you. I am tired of living with it. Please god, if you are one, kill me, let me die. please.

  • Carson

    It’s been five years since I’ve felt any kind of purpose. I’m 23, I wake up and can’t find a reason to get out of bed, other than not wanting my parents to have a stern talk with me.

    I don’t feel like an adult. I haven’t felt any kind of change in myself for the longest time. I feel like a child being forced the responsibilities of an adult. I go through the motions every day, hoping inspiration will strike.

    The world terrifies me. I’m petrified to go out and find a job because I’m horrified of rejection. Throughout my life I’ve been told I’ll accomplish great things, and I’m not living up to those expectations for fear that I’ll fail. My behavior doesn’t make any sense, and isn’t sustainable, but I can’t seem to take action to change anything.

    I have fleeting moments of happiness, times with old friends or when I smoke pot or drink, but I’m just self medicating with nostalgia and false feelings.

    I feel lost and I honestly have no idea what to do next. I contemplate suicide fairly regularly because I know it would be an easy way out, but I’ll never take that step because I’m too afraid to, and because I don’t want to hurt my friends and family.

    I use people to get what I want. If I’m not manipulating someone, then I’m not around anyone. I haven’t ever had the desire to be in a relationship, I don’t feel like I’m worth it.

    Lately I haven’t had a sex drive. The only reason I’ve ever had one at all is for a sense of control and momentary distraction from the typical nothingness that I feel.

    I’ve been telling myself that everyone struggles with this sort of thing, embarrassed to tell anyone what I’m saying here for fear that I’ll look weak. After seeing some of the comments here, however, I’m starting to think that I actually am suffering from depression, although a large part of me thinks I’m still just looking for an excuse.

  • kayla

    I feel like I’m two different people; the one people see, and who I really am. I put on a mask when I’m around everybody, and I take it off when I come home. It’s maddening. I feel like no one would believe me if I say I were depressed, even though teenagers are susceptible for depression(or something like that), and that my mom just died a few months ago. I felt numb before she passed, I feel numb now. Yet I’m in so much pain. I don’t know what to do, and I feel that suicide is a viable option for me at this point.

  • Judeson Selvan

    I’m a 20 year old from Malaysia,been going through so much of pain and hurt emotionally,with family,college and i work part time while studying.It’s not as easy as it is,having to balance everything and keep intact with my faith.Recently i have been skipping classes and work just so i can do what i want.Which is playing guitar and pc games to just take my mind off all the outside problems.I don’t have time for myself anymore,so i do this,moreover i have no girlfriend or companion who would at least be interested in a guy like me.Maybe it’s cause i’m indian(yes,but im nt so dark)or that i don’t have the looks to make up for it.When i go to work,i see many couples coming in and out of the store and it makes me wonder will there ever be the “one” for me..but even if i find her will i be happy at all?..or will it just be the same or worse..God is there but i can’t seem to find the hope and faith to believe in Him anymore

  • TeeSaddestGuy

    I have 90% of the symptoms you wrote, it is accurate, are you a sufferer of depression? I have depressed for a few years. Life is a beach to me. I attend college everyday, no one ever wants to talk to me. It as seems like I am invisible. Whenever I tried to get near them, they run away from me. I felt like I am cursed. I been alone for a very long time, im getting depress and depress over time. Everyday fking day i need to finish tons of homework, im so tired right now, so tired, very tired of life. I failed all in social, love, academic life. Does anyone feels me?

  • Cristy

    Today I described it to God as it felt like I was losing my mind. The feelings come and go. I have had some form of depression since I was a young child and now I’m in my 50’s. But what I am feeling and thinking and experiencing now is the worst it has ever been. If I could sleep indefinitely I would. But I have responsibilities that I can’t just blow off. I am a mother of 2 disabled young men and I have a job and bills to pay. Getting up in the morning is a struggle, but calling in to work is not something I like to do. I’m almost always late and I’ve started making things up which I never used to do. I hate liars. Now I’ve become one. My past is not one to be proud of so it has always been my biggest challenge to learn to forgive. But the dark hole that I am in now is just filled with the guilt and shame of the past, and the disinterest in anything in the here and now, fatigue and achiness, over reading things that are going on now and thinking that no one I work with really likes me or wants me around. My work has suffered I know, and I take every little thing someone says personally and get irritated. I get teary-eyed for no reason, feel lost or lose my concentration, feel alone and forgotten. I take medication but I don’t think it’s working anymore and I constantly make and cancel doctor appointments. I hate dealing with people or places. Having people in my house is a major issue. I can make sure my 2 sons take their meds and have them ready and that they go to the doctor when needed and pitch a fit when they don’t get what they need, but that is it. And they are why I am still here. The only reason. If not for their needs, I would have left a long time ago. Now it’s worse. Being depressed is like being in a big black hole and hanging there but in my case being forced to function in the darkness and thickness. I feel like I’m losing my mind.

  • Emma

    I’ve been depressed for about 4 months and I’ve never really told anyone about it. I never feel happy and that there’s not point in living because no one cares about me or needs me. It’s like I’ve had on a mask every day and I jut pretend to smile or laugh or act somewhat normal.

    I’m only 11 years old. I can’t count all the times I’ve thought about how death isn’t that bad, and that it’s the only way to somewhat happiness. I’ve thought about self harm and suicide a lot but I’ve been to scared to actually do it. Scared of judgment and scared of help. It’s like I’m always in this small dark room and there’s no way out and every day I have to endure sitting in a bleak sad silence.

    My family irritates me and nearly all my friends have forgotten I exist. The worst part is, no one has even noticed. No ones noticed how I’m quite’er or not always smiling or not joining in on the conversation anymore. I’ve tried telling just telling people but its like when I open my mouth there’s a wall blocking my words from leaving my throat and they’re just stuck. I’ve even wrote a few rough drafts of a suicide note. I just want to die and for all of I to be over with.

  • jake

    Nearly all the points got to me in a way but the last one
    ”Incessantly and uncontrollably into your mind comes the memory of every failure, every bad or uncomfortable experience, interview or date, like a torrent of negativity ”

    Really hits home. It does my head in. And smiling or talking with family members feels like such a effort.

  • Jill Kenmore

    Just found this list. It is SPOT. ON. I have been struggling with depression for years, it runs in my family. I am also somewhat obsessive, so the two tend to combine into a perfect storm inside me. I have been on medication in the past, but felt dulled and ‘blah,’ so weaned myself off of them (probably not good). Had a huge meltdown a few days ago…could not stop crying…mostly over nothing at all. No help or support from family or friends (who, like the list says, *really* irritate me, and don’t ‘get it’). Am currently in the throes of a full-blown ‘Sherlock’ obsession and cannot seem to wrestle myself out of it. Nothing makes me the least bit happy at present but that show, the actors, the music. I’m about ‘this close’ to chucking it all here and running away to London, UK…but I know that won’t work, and will only complicate matters, what with London’s excessively gloomy gray weather and all. I live in TX where it’s always bright and sunny…and yet I could care less. Seeing a new doctor next week. I pray he will be able to help me. I can’t keep on like this.

  • Joanna Liscomb

    I’d much rather suffer physical pain than mentally. My equilibrium is off. The depression and guilt are unbearable. I really don’t have a support system or family. I dread sleeping and when I do I dread awakening.

    I pray, but can’t even make it to church. No access to medical care or social services. Totally alone. I’m not able to stand in line now.

    I feel I am kindly waitng for death, because he could not wait for me. But the hour is approaching, like approaching hoofbeats. I place my courage to the sticking point and it pulls loose.
    Help. Someone.

    A girl who wants to get better.

    Joanna

  • Helen

    yes I can relate to many of the emotions here described.Depression is a silent illness which steals joy and fun.We loose interest in ourselves our hobbies but worst of all in our loved ones.Well that’s the worst part for me the guilt of not knowing how to relate to my husband and kids when I’m low.waiting for the meds to kick in is hard…six weeks….

  • C.j

    I agree with everyone here. Problems in my life have made me depressed, especially knowing there’s no solution and no hope for the future. I’m isolated and it sucks. I have no friends. I’ve tried reaching out and it’s like no one listens, cares, or understands my pain. I go to talk, but I have nothing to say, my mind is blank, I can’t remember things, even simple things are too complicated, I want to be alone, but my loneliness is killing me. I drink and cry all the time. Most of the time I feel numb, like there’s no joy, no sad, nothing. I can’t feel anything. I’ve achieved nothing in life and failed everything. I’ve wasted a lot of years of my life. I really feel like there’s nothing left for me. Depression, anxiety and other issues are ruining what’s left of my life!

  • Molly

    For me it comes and goes. When it’s sunny and I’m not stressed or worried I feel okay. The sadness and tiredness never really goes away though. It only takes one little bad thing and suddenly I can’t stop crying. I used to constantly worry that I wouldn’t be able to hold myself together in public. When people finally asked “what’s wrong?” they would accept my answer of “I’m just tired” within question. Every movement, every thought felt sluggish, and I was exhausted mentally, physically and emotionally. I just wanted to go to sleep and stay asleep. I just needed a break from life. Now I’m a bit better. I can trust myself enough to go to work and school without worrying too much. But my “okayness” is only skin deep. I can’t let myself think about anything. I have to constantly keep myself distracted from my own thoughts and feelings. I’m always watching tv or reading, just to escape my own life for a while. Maybe the hole I’m in isn’t as deep and hopeless as it once was, but I still can’t stay in the light all the time. My happiness is temporary. I just want to know when it will finally be permanent again.

  • Tiffany

    Right now I’m experiencing depression and anxiety.

    I don’t feel anything, I’m totally emotionally numb towards everything.. Including my significant other and my family.

    I don’t feel love for anyone, I don’t feel positive emotions, and everything ticks me off. Even something I may have been able to blow off when I was happy now ruins my day.

    My boyfriend irritates me more than usual and so do all my friends. I have a hard time finding humor in everything everyone says, and I’m finding common ground with everyone.
    I don’t want to be with friends and everyone bores me.
    I don’t wanna do anything, however I’m restless, and nothing gives me joy. I have intrusive thoughts that won’t get out of my head and sucks up my happiness.

  • Tiffany

    I forgot to add that My husband wants to have quality time but it we can manage to find the time to just sit hang out it always turns into him getting turned on and I just don’t want to get into that. I want to let him know I don’t feel like it. but then he takes it too personal like I am not attracted to him anymore. I am he is the sexiest man alive for me. But does it always have to be about sex really. I have so much on my chest but when I have tried to go to a therapist to talk to something I tell him I have to go. He calls them Mental visits or Mental sessions

  • Tiffany

    I feel trapped. I have been dealing with this for most of my life but I am at the point I have no idea what to do any more. The only reason I get up is to feed and clothe My children and make sure they are taken care of. but everything is very irritating. I thought that after My in laws moved out that that stress from them would alleviate some of my stress and depression. My husband does not understand it at all. He wants to help but can be very negative about my downfalls and trip ups. I have always struggled with time management, and it is hard to have that clean martha stewart looking house that runs smoothly to begin with. But with this Depression it is much harder. I tried to get a part time Job of School bus for the county had an interview set up and everything. I thought it would be good for me to have a change of scenery and help to not feel so burnt out with the house and kids. Then my husband kept dropping hints of him not being comfortable with it and then mentioning how it will affect our taxes and stuff. then it turned into a fight and I ended up calling off the interview. I just wish he would understand how I feel and not be so negative. He is a loving man but because of his culture and upbringing. He has the bad mentality of depression and associates it with me being immature or not responsible. I just wish he had a better mentality of it and would help with being a bit more positive towards me. I am not saying to baby me but be more encouraging even when he thinks I may have messed up. My step father used to say I have a victim complex type of thing. Seriously what is it with people not understanding

  • stacey

    I’ve suspected that it’s depression that I’ve been feeling for a few years now, at least. Most of the things everyone has written on this site apply to me. I don’t want to die or anything. But then again, I have no hope. All the guilt I feel, for having the feelings I do, I totally understand what that one person said about the guilt…I totally empathize. My husband sometimes gets irritated or angry at me and I haven’t even told him the depth of my feelings. He tells me there are starving people in the world and I shouldn’t feel this way. He suffers from depression too, so how could he not understand? My dreams are gone. No hope. Sadness. My body aches, I have been getting migraines more often lately. I know what triggered these feelings over the last few months, and its financial problems, and my husband’s medical problems. But the “old” me would have organized ourselves and gotten through it. But now….I am exhausted. I give up. Nothing I say is right. So I don’t say anything at all, usually. my mind is blank. But the anxiety wells up inside of me, like it’s the big bully, forcing me to feel something. We have enough on our plate, without me going to Dr’s visits and taking meds, too. We have a daughter. I just give up, I am exhausted.

  • tola

    I try my best to understand nt yell at my mom but everytin she does or says piss me off.my sis just came back nd I neede to stay with her and she rejected just tore me apart..although I was laughing like I was okay ..I had to cos I wasnt sure of how I could have reacted

  • John

    I keep all my feelings to myself I feel like I can’t trust nobody with out them judging me.I have to much hate/angry/depression going on in my life but my friends and family think I’m just a happy person but really I’m dieing in side.but then I can to realize why I’m I being sad all depress when I could wake up and be happy yes it was very hard but I told my self you are who you wanna be !im sad because I wanna be I’m laying in bed because I wanna be .. It’s nobody’s fault about the way you feel why because you have control for the way you feel so please take my advice !!

  • Mark

    I constantly feel like I’m the one not having fun. I don’t enjoy hanging around with my friends, I don’t enjoy clubbing.. My friends seem to have fun and I constantly live in fear of getting involved in conflicts with them. I’ve been bullied a LOT in my youth and didn’t have many friends in that period. That all has changed, but I think that it still is a big part of how I feel. I’m also really insecure and I just try to fit in while I still feel like I don’t. My friends seem to like me and invite me to all of their parties. They call and text me a lot to hang around, but somehow they seem to like me more than I like myself. I’m scared to death to miss out on anything. I feel a kind of pressure to be involved in everything and I’m afraid to be alone, I feel like I’m missing out on something.

  • Sara

    I have no motivation to do anything. I can get up and go to work and work once I’m there. But at home I just can’t get anything done. I feel everything on the above list. I have children so I know I need to be here for them, but I get headaches all the time and our house is a mess and I can barely keep up with the minimal day to day stuff that needs to be done. If it wasn’t for the kids I wouldn’t even eat. I would just lay in bed all day. I love animals and the sun and being outside, but i just can’t make myself go out and do anything and when I do it’s not fun, it’s not worth the energy. I try to smile and not let my kids know. My husband knows but he thinks I’m just lazy and he resents me for feeling this way. I am on meds and see a doctor, but it doesn’t help, without meds i am worse. I cry about everything. i feel like everyone hates me. I feel like even my kids hate me. My eldest has depression too and drug addiction, that upsets me so much too. I am afraid of that happening to my other children. I am afraid of lots of things. I’ve tried every self help book, spiritual book, meditation, videos etc. I do try. i try to be positive and think I’m happy so i will be. But that just doesn’t seem to work for me. then i feel guilty because I know so many other people have it much worse than me and here I am being like this. I wish I could say some magic words and just be better, have motivation and energy and feel good. My husband makes me feel like such a loser. I feel so trapped too.

  • Santiago

    I’ve never tried to define depression, but I’ve been numb to pain for my own explanation. people need to be talked to medication helps. I never thought I’d fail in life, truly also I don’t want to get personal, it’s like being the stepped on dog, there is no affection. I feel a lot of too that if you’ve ever been robbed and can’t understand. pain is real but I try to always be faithful, like actions are being done to make it worse on me for no definition, it hurts! I was never born like this, but the slower and more I got into narcotics it worsened quick, this is a fucked up world!

  • C.m

    Glad Im not the only one who feels this way. I feel numbness, like a void in my life and it’s like nothing matters. I try to enjoy things but I just dont feel it and can’t get into it. I feel lonely and isolated all the time. I’ve been living with this my whole life. I feel like a joke. I’ve been on meds, and they do nothing. Even tried therapy. I hardly ever want to leave the house. I hate spending time around people. I get anxiety attacks. Drinking helps, so does crying. I’m nearly 30 now, feels like I’ve wasted a lot of my life.

  • Sierra

    What does it feel like? Like nothing… Like nothing matters or exists. That I’m nothing–just this empty void.
    When I do manage to feel something, which is rare, it feels like I couldn’t care less about it. It’s there, it’s not there–I don’t care one way or another. It’s knowing you’re supposed to care but really don’t *feel* anything.
    And other times, it’s overwhelming sadness. Crying for no reason. Not just crying but hysterical, curled up in fetal position sobbing–for no known reason…And then it goes away and you go back to feeling nothing.

  • Paula

    I felt like I’m sinking into a dark hole again tonight, but I managed to get out as I sometimes do, and I wanted to share it in case it helps someone out there:

    I read some of your comments, I feel/felt the same or similar to some of you, diving in and out of this state for years and for various periods. But it’s ok, don’t feel guilty. Any glimpse of hope, however short-lived means something, and it can mean another glimpse of hope, potentially.

    Find a positive point in yourselves and embrace that. Even if it feels forced at first. Think of the sympathy you might feel for others who are in similar situations as you (I do). Then feel that towards yourselves and continue to look for points to love about yourselves. There are so many,I’m sure.

    I feel that you can’t love life without loving yourselves. Only when you can look at yourselves in the mirror without feeling awkward and saying to your reflection: ‘I love you’ (this can take practice) – when you then feel the love you have for yourselves unashamedly- only then you can love life and feel part of it.

    It’s a start.

  • Traci

    I think that there can be a depression beyond depression… I was diagnosed as having depression several years ago. At that time, I did not think that it wss possible to feel any worse. I believe that my condition resulted from years of mistreatment and being “let down” after always going overboard to help others and to be kind. I elected to seek therapy and was deceived by that program after reporting two incidents to the director. I experienced a severe withdrawal on two separate occasions from two different medications. Their office failed to refill my medication on a timly basis. I only reported it to prevent someone else from having that same awful experience. Needless to say that I was “pushed” out of the program. I am certain that they thought that I would file a lawsuit although I told them that this would not happen. It wasn’t worth fighting. Plus, I was tired of fighting. This was the start of a depression that has even made me physically numb. I wake up in the morning looking at the ceiling. The only thought that comes to my mind is “I’m still here” but, not in a good way. I hate to hear folks talking and laughing…it gets on my nerves.i don’t like to be around too many people because most seem rude and lack neatness and decency regarding there dress. In general, people irritate me so I try to have as little contact as possible. I love my home but,I wish that it were located somewhere else. After helping many neighbors over the years and not charging a dime, one man that grew up in the area, returned to the home left to him by his parents. He has created a hell for me unlike any other… Now, several unproductive neighbors that basically only own the clothing on their backs spend each day gathering and talking about me as though I am less than human. I worked hard for everything that I own. I have been told that they are “just jealous and misurable”. Deep within, the logical part of me realizes that this is true. I have been very sick over the last four years and had to retire early. I’m not well enough to travel. My complexion has changed and I am still losing weight. Men use to compliment me… My dog cries a lot if I leave her and this irritates and brings out an anger in me that makes me want to give her away although, I love her so much. I feel crushed in all aspects of my existance. I truly do not understand the world and really do not like much about it. I feel like God is allowing me to be punished but, I have tried to give to and help others. I deprived myself… I am actually physically numb and my mussels feel too weak to smile. Nothing much can make me laugh. My eyes look so empty when I look at myself in the mirror and the complexion just makes me look worse. I have two loving senior parents that I see aging and one brother that is not there for me the way that I believe he should be. If they leave me, I really do not have anyone. My two best friends are working so hard and rarely have time.I was afraid of the idea of death but, I no longer have that fear. I am just waiting for God to take me but, I’m still here because maybe he does not want me… There were times that I could cry and then…I could not cry anymore. Rather,I felt a sharp pain in my chest when the multitude of bad experiences played over and over again in my mind. I have asked God to show me what I have done wrong and there is still no answer… Now, I am almost totally physically numb. It feels like someone has injected novacane into my body. I am stuck in this environment and not well enough to make plans to relocate. I have used my finances to help others and God just won’t take me. A part of me is thinking that I must deserve this… Each morning that I open my eyes ” I’m still here”…

  • Pete

    Depression is a shadow that follows you wherever you go. There is no escaping it. Wherever you run to or wherever you hide, it is sure to follow. Manage it so that it does not take over your normal functioning. Don’t expect it to disappear. Simply manage it so that it does not make you dysfunctional.

  • Robin

    This is very accurate . I was just thinking how slow everything feels. How off and ugly i feel. How worried and anxious i feel. How.alone i feel, i feel lost and i i just dont know… i just can’t

  • Deja

    Well,for me, depression feels like that moment from all your favorite teen/chick flicks ect. Where there is a person just sitting in one place and there is a whole montage of the world just passing by. Sometimes when I think of this I laugh cause it’s funny,the accuracy of it,that is. I may also laugh because that’s the way I cope with the fact that I might be depressed. That and the fact I hide it. I mean I figure that I’m just doing it because I want to label myself or because in teens now a days depression is the new black. But it doesn’t add up with all of my not wanting pity and such. So yeah, I might be but there is no one to tell or get help from because the idea of feeling remotely vulnerable is so disgusting to me that I’m willing to believe I have a severe case of self loathing before I ever believe I am depressed. The other part that’s ironic is that psychology is like my passion. It’s weird I want to know what make the human body tick in the way it does when it produces these mental illnesses and here I am the one who might just have one. Although I’m not willing to fully believe it just yet, I’m still not as reluctant to consider it as a possibility. I’m 16 by the way. A girl no less and that’s what depression feels like to me . A sick joke.

  • stranger

    I cry almost everyday for one hour, and sometimes two, and with no reason,for like 5 years now,and its always the same, i even try to talk to myself and find out, why im crying, but I still dnt knw, sometimes I feel like I wanna kill everybody, i feel alone,I feel so small like I dnt belong here, I feel like those people I love I hate them so much, I tried million times to kill myself,I alwaysrevenge myself when I do a mistake, and actually im so tired of this, my eyes hurt ( for crying to much) and for a year now I have those lignes In my face like I was putting an eyeliner and I was crying, my father asked a doctor about it and he told him, those are viens who produce tears , they a epear in my face. Im scared if that is going to cause me a health probleme.

  • Eleanor

    I’ve seen a lot of articles that try to pin down the feeling of depression into words, but this is the most accurate one I have read, probably because of the mention that it feels like there’s “a glass wall separating you from the world.” This is so terribly true. I feel like I’m within reach of a normal life but my feelings isolate me within myself, so I’m forced to view others as normal and myself as something unauthentic and disparate. I can’t live like this anymore…

  • C.j

    I can’t smile, I can’t feel anything. Just so numb all the time. No emotions. Everything is miserable or irritates me. I’m majorly lonely and can’t connect with anyone. But at the same time I want to be alone. Life sucks, I have no friends. I’m exhausted all the time. The weather won’t stop raining. I’m a failure at life. Ruined everything I tried and screwed up my future. I’m isolated and unemployed. I’m 28. And I think I’ll probably be useless and alone for the rest of my life. I’m pathetic, I’m ugly and I don’t look “normal”. Things are shit. God help!

  • J

    This summed it up perfectly. At 25, I have been suffering for over half my life, or so my mother says she noticed since I was 12. Recently, money troubles are causing me grief. Most days I am not happy anyway but pile on all types of stress and bam, you have a more severe case. My head is constantly spinning. I am drowning. Literally. I am dizzy and sick feeling. Never feel rested… never feel successful enough. I never feel true happiness. I don’t know what that is. I see things that “normal” people are excited for and it annoys me. A wedding? “I won’t ever find someone to love me enough to wed.” A new baby? “I picked a horrible father for my child. I did it all wrong, I’ve ruined her life.”

    My own mother is a psychologist and shames me instead of being an ear. A rift has formed between us because, yet again, she is pushing me to live my life her way and I am refusing. But like always, I feel very alone and am quite literally. The thoughts of just disappearing are looking so good sometimes. As though if I died the pains in my body would go away.. the thoughts would cease.. the tears would stop.. the bills would go away if there was no Me to track down for payment of past due items. Wouldn’t they? Isn’t dying the cure all?

  • Jennifer

    Im scared! Im worried all the time! Anytime i see something or someone that goes to what is my problem, i feel even worse and even more worried! I ask questions to myself to make sure of myself! And if i feel sure, then i feel better of myself! Everytime i wake up in the morning, thinking of the present thing that is bothering me but the same thing creates another problem or the same one i’ve had! Sometimes, when im busy and i can’t think about the thing that is bothering me, then later on, i feel worse and alot confused and sometimes, i cry because i feel so confused! I hate being confused! I feel anxiety even! I’ve been depressed since this year on january with 3-4 different things that had bothered me but the last one was the last problem i had but then i remembered it again and now im depressed. The other ones only lasted for about 2 weeks! And the present thing thats bothering me had lasted for probably more than 2 months! Its really a bother to me! And sometimes im even scared of seeing something that will make me remember of the current thing thats bothering me because it will make me feel bad and sad and worried! I know its not true, its not reality but its my mind that is provably tricking me, taking control of it and make me think negative! I know the thing that is bothering is.not true, even all the other ones i had this year! Its all not true but it just bothers me! It just pops up in my head! I sometimes do feel something bad is going to happen(like these scary stories i’ve heard alot this week and a bit of last week also)! Haha!, i know its not true and it doesnt exists but it still scares me! 😛 How can i controll my depression and anxiety?? Please answer?? I don’t want to be with this problem for the whole year!! Please answer me! Thank you!:)

  • Alysha

    I dont feel human anymore i feel like putting a blanket over my head and shut everybody out of my life im not happy or dont feel happu sometimes i think to much and i get cold feel and to be honest i cry every single day for no apperant reason and i get really worry … i just been depressed now .

  • Andrew

    For me, it’s like someone took away the real, colourful, 3D world that I knew and replaced it with a black-and-white, flat, 2D version of the same thing. I still recognise everything but talking to the TV seems kind or pointless. I struggle to concentrate and to remember things. I forget really important things that I know I need to remember, but they just slip through my fingers like watermelon seeds. I don’t feel anything anymore – I’m mostly disconnected from my emotions. Sometimes I get a little flash here and there – sometimes I actually enjoy something for real, or am genuinely moved – but mostly I just pretend… I’m not even sure who I’m pretending for; is it for me or for those around me? Maybe both. Maybe it’s even a sort of protection – if I’m disconnected from my feelings maybe it’s because they would be to horrible to bear. Sex has no meaning for me, which is hard for my wife, but bless her she still puts up with me anyway.

    I’m tired, all the time. Getting out of bed takes a major effort of will. Every day I go through the motions. It doesn’t make me happy but then it doesn’t make me sad either. It just is. I just am. Day after day. If someone told me tomorrow I have some terminal disease and have two weeks to live, in some ways it would be like a relief. But then I feel guilty because I have it so good compared to most of the population of the world – what right do I have to complain about anything? I live in my comfy little first world bubble with everything I need or want… except my old self. I have no idea where he went or if he’s coming back.

    I’m realising I’ve been this way for a really long time and never even noticed that I’d changed, it came on so gradually – probably started around 15 years ago. I’m 47 and a medical student. We are doing a mental health module at the moment, and last week while sitting in a mood disorders lecture there was a slide up on the screen about depression. As I digested the slide I realised with horror that it was me, right up there on the screen. I looked at myself and didn’t recognise me. How could that be possible? How could I be depressed and not even know? Am I so stupid that I can’t tell my life is so different from what it used to be??

    Having sat with it for about a week now I’m actually finding a glimmer of hope. If this is not how it’s meant to be, if this is an illness like they say, then maybe it really can get better like they say too. Maybe – just maybe – I can upgrade this black-and-white-TV life to a colour TV version. Then maybe a 3D TV version, and then maybe even the real thing.

    It seems depression has many faces. Some people are completely debilitated by it, while others – like me – just have the life sucked out of them and wonder where it went. There are probably heaps of other manifestations of it too… no wonder we struggle to identify it.

    So I’ve made an appointment with a doctor for next week. I’m scared and hopeful and even enjoying that I’m feeling even that! What if she says no, you don’t have anything I can help? Just suck it up and get on with it? I guess I just keep doing what I already do. Joyless, flat, mechanistic. One day after the other until I run out of them. Please let there be more than this.

  • cat

    I feel like I’m not living. I used to always smile and make jokes and be really happy and I don’t now what changed. everything is useless and I don’t feel good. it’s like I can’t breath. its like I’m drowning. I’m always tired and I always cry. and I can’t eat or sleep and I want to get better but I can’t.

  • some girl

    I always feel so alone. At school (I’m 15) I can be sitting with a bunch of people and still feel alone. I can’t talk to anyone without getting laughed at and so I speak to very few people. I can’t sleep (it’s 00:47 here). I keep thinking about and wanting to hurt myself (to sort of control it I scratch my arm or run the edge of a ruler over my wrist). I don’t want to go out or do anything. I just want someone to talk to who will listen and understand.

  • Mark Mkelske

    I too hate my life,although I am married I’m always alone. Her job means more to her than I do. I wish I would never wake up again.what is a smile? Life just sucks.

  • newly self diagnosed

    I just realized recently that I was depressed. Some of the symptoms you listed I definitely have. I feel anxious all the time. I’m jumpy. I get very angry or agitated quickly and for little reason according to my husband and my son I over react. But it’s enough for me.I don’t know any other way to react.I feel defensive. I feel like I have to be tough all the time and when I run out of energy to be tough I cry. I cry about every little thing at that point. I over eat for comfort and then hate my body for being over weight. I want to literally beat people who make me mad to a bloody pulp so I definitely have anger issues. I feel like it’s me against the world because not even the people who love me most understand my feelings. I have thought about dying before. Peacefully in my sleep but the anxiety of the unknown of the other side makes me fear death. I obsses over my husband, child, and my parents well being and fear losing them. I get super jealous of other women and my husband. I even jump on them. I’ve got to get control of all this. It consumes me and I don’t want that. I want to be normal.

  • Karina

    It’s a horrible feeling to want to feel, but can’t. It’s like you’re drowning day after day looking for a breath of air. I wake up hoping today is different that somehow things have changed, but it’s all the same. Just a body, no feelings just floating amongst others.

  • Molly

    I feel like I’m seeing through a haze, dark and gloomy. I have panic attacks, and I often feel like crying. Despite feeling like crying, my eyes are too dry for me to cry and I refuse to cry randomly in front of my family or at school, so I end up mentally crying myself to sleep. I have constant thoughts of worthlessness. I just want it to end, I even went so far as dropping my medication (Dexedrine) to try to silence those voices. I didn’t take the other route of escape however, because (to me) that would be weak. God, I just want it to end!

  • Rachael

    Its a trap, like your drowning in air, everythings grey and boring. theres a emotional and physical pain in your heart, stress is every moment everyday. you hate waking up to anther hopeless recycled version of yesterday… you just want to be happy again, its very hard to remember what joy and love feel like, but you knew it was wonderful, it feels impossible to get back to that, what life use to be. seems like reality has changed for you, your this isolated worthless lonely person, useless, and sad. you just exist. vivid dreams slip in that are negative here and there. can’t think clear. those of you who feel this too, know that depression is hell. especially accompanied by a anxiety or panic disorder

  • K

    I just feel like I don’t know… I don’t know what to do or what’s wrong with me. I don’t know where I want to be or anything. I just feel lost all the time. I can’t even fake a smile or small talk conversation with family anymore. I keep getting irritated at people, including my mom. I feel lonely…and sad.. I’ve heard it might be my terrible eating habits so I’ve been starting to eat fruit which I’m enjoying but I don’t feel any different….yet. People keep saying I need to snap out of it and do things, try things but truthfully I’m terrified, I don’t have any confidence. It takes courage for me to say hi to even my work colleagues. I don’t want to see a doctor and have to take any form of pills… I keep saying this isn’t like me, but I’ve been sad inside just hiding it for a long long time now…maybe it’s just all coming out. I’ve even started to randomly cry for no reason whatsoever. Have even fallen to my knees once or twice. Then in a click the crying stops and I carry on wondering what was that about.. I work a boring nightshift job, live at home in my own building, have lots of land and activities to keep me entertained but I still can’t be happy. I know I should be thankful for life and that somewhere in this world somebody might have time for me..but I can’t fully grasp it. It’s like I’ve got two voices talking in my head sometimes, one saying shut up and be happy you fool! And the other making me feel mentally sick and pretty poor in life. I’ve thought about suicide a few times, just driving somewhere with a cliff and doing what would follow… but I know I’m too much of a coward to do it. I recently had my first girlfriend ever and it sadly hasn’t worked out, she showed me how happy I could feel and how nights didn’t have to be lonely. She showed me a different world and now I actually feel quite heartbroken and scared cause she’s gone. I briefly spoke to her about some stuff and she suggested I eat better (after observing my lack of diet and food in general). I just don’t know what to do in life. I have my mom and dad as family, we’re not a close-close family though and I don’t really have any true friends, just the occasional work friend who I have nothing in common with… I used to be positive all the time, used to think I’d meet people, find love and passion and things would work out. I don’t feel any of that now. Thanks for listening/reading. I’m 23/male.

  • roshni

    honestly sometimes i feel lost lost in such a big world, so lost that i end up crying, i cry for no reason, the tears just roll down my face uncontrollably, suicide haunts my thoughts and i know that its not the right thing to do, i just feel so depressed i rather isolate myself away from people because they annoy me so much, being alone makes me happy, but not happy enough until my thoughts start drowning me. I try to think positive i work hard and set goals, im just tired of life, putting on a smile and making the others happy whilst i drown in my own tears. Im only 15 and i know i have a life ahead of me but im so lost what should i do?

  • sandeep

    Sir me n my wife have same problem as described. We stay away from our families fue to my job .. But wenever we come home on leave my wife splly feels lonly nd does nt get well wid ma famly. Above that we are a cursed couple facing infertility problems as well. I need help.. Sir pls

  • Greg

    I was bullied in middle school for being short. I am now a freshman In high school and no surprise it still happens all the Time. I try to listen to metal and sad songs to let out how I feel
    Instead of cutting myself. But after this website I know I’m not alone and people are going through the same thing I am

  • Firenza

    On Saturday. It was like someone flipped a switch. Marriage is rubbish. Always was. But something new now. My children. Annoying, misbehaving, ignoring, disrespecting. Want to walk away from it all. Can’t engage, can’t smile, can’t talk, can’t think, can’t work. Eyes fill with tears. Husband doesn’t care. Never did. Uses the word ‘love’ mechanically but actions always speak louder than words and these do not demonstrate love. Potential unfulfilled, forever a prisoner. Where to go? What to do?

  • anne

    i feel nothing and do nothing most days. sometimes i randomly cry, like right now when i just read the list at the top of this page. i know its not really random, i am just sad for no reason, everyday. people must think i live a comfortable life, since i don’t work and have lots of free time. but i always think about what is the point of me living and feel sad that i can’t enjoy life like other people who have friends and a boyfriend and go out and have fun. i feel useless and doomed. i get scared that in the future im gonna become a homeless person or something. i have no skills, i’m terrified of people, and am too insecure. i just shut myself in my room because thats where i feel the safest. if im gonna live like this forever, then why not just die and stop being a burden on others?

  • Leslie

    I have been dealing with depression since I was 10 years old. Having dealt with it for so long I feel as though it has become a sort of “friend”. I look at my depression as a reflection of a sad version of myself, as I’m sure most with depression do. But I try and treat it as if I were to comfort a friend who was going through this. I tell myself positive, encouraging statements that I would tell someone who was depressed. I have realized (at 26 years old) that my depression is a part of me and it always will be. Instead if fighting it I have chosen to embrace it. Embrace it in a healthy way. I realize and recognize the oncoming signs of an upcoming depressive episode and although it is hard to go through, I at least feel more mentally prepared. I tell myself, “okay, I feel an episode coming on and this is going to feel terrible but everything will be alright in the end, just hang in there”. Recognizing the depression and talking to myself about it helps me understand and endure what I’m feeling much better.

  • Teresa

    I had a really bad dream the other night that someone was trying to kill me then I was shot. I woke up the next day in a terrible mood and have been feeling most of those symptoms ever since. Could that dream be the reason why I don’t feel like myself?

  • Tin

    Its been two desperate months since it begun. I was so happy and outgoing and funny person before. I cant concentrate on anything but my depression, i feel like all the people around me know what to do with their lives, that they are super confident as i used to be and they just talk and talk and laugh and they seem so happy. I feel like i dont know anything about ANYTHING. i have no opinions on anything, feelin like everything i used to have opinion on was a LIE, like i never knew anything but just talked about it because of my pride or something, i dunno, im lost. Many friends told me about their depression and i can relate to some things, usual things (not enjoying anything, feeling exhausted, ruminating thoughts etc..) but still i feel different, you know, I cant talk to anybody cuz i got nothing to say, and my friends said that even though they were going through depression, they never felt like they had no opinions, they used to talk to people around them. that is killing me, why cant i talk to anybody, if only i could talk like i used to i would break free from this MONSTER that has his claws around me. When i listen to friends talking i always tell myself ( why cant you talk like that, or ‘see, they are having fun and they are smart, they love some things and they enjoy, WHY CANT YOU?’) Everybody is telling me that this is a stage of my life where im supposed to learn something out of it, that it will make me stronger eventually, but I dont see it happening! I was strong before this and still it happened! If only we all could swallow a pill and continue living our lives free from this disaster. I know how you feel people and I just hope things will get better in time. I shall go to bed now and wake up tomorrow like i did today, wondering when will this all end.

  • Kim Harvey

    I too have been where yall are . The anxiety , depression , panic attacks. No one understands, some of us have family to suport use and some of use don’t. I know this is hard , but you have to force yourselves to think positive, make yourself do the things you onces love or enjoyed . Your life has a purpose. Do it for you . Find a Good church, God is there , he love everyone of use, believe and you shall receive.

  • Robbie

    So my old friend depression is back in my life again. I am heavy and slow. I get stuck washing dishes and forget everything. I fail at work. I have medication again, so there is hope that it will move on and let me be me again.

    Thankyou for reminding me I am not in it alone.

  • Alice

    I didn’t realize that what I was feeling was depression until I randomly bursted into tears just a few moments ago and read this article. Honestly, I don’t know if I feel relieved or scared knowing what’s wrong with me. I want help, I really do, but I don’t want to tell anyone about my thoughts or the feelings I feel.

  • Lesley

    I’m just in 6th grade…
    I don’t know if I am in depression or not . I feel normal at school and everything but then sometimes I just get pissed off for no apparent reason.
    I get home things are different . I turn more quiet . I never get out of my grey room unless I’m forced to eat . I hate eating . I smile, that hasn’t gone away . I don’t want people seeing my pain . Hide your pain . Yesterday I cried so bad in front of my mom ! I told her every bulls*it and she just continue watching tv and laughing when I sobbed on the pillow. I feel like I’m doing my part on getting help but nobody does ! She says she doesn’t have time until she goes on vacation ! Like hello therapy is just gonna be a few hours -.-
    The doctor already said I need therapy it’s been threee months. The day before I cried and cried to but she just cheered me up.
    I feel alone sometimes. Cold and bitter . I block the world out . The most cheerful movies like Frozen seems sooo depressing to me . I’m always in bed . Rarely get out and I don’t do anything around the house .
    When I’m sobbing… I look in the mirror and try to myself your stronger your worth it . Now that’s gone I can’t do that anymore…
    I feel like there’s three voices in my head . Positive telling me to be strong . Negative saying I should run away and to kill myself . Then the third, a voice I can’t describe…
    Hope that helped I guess ?

  • ANGIE

    I READ ALL THESE AND UST CRIED. I FEEL LIKE ALL THE PEOPLE I LOVED COULDNT POSSIBLY BE FAMILIAR WITH THIS DARKNESS I LIVE IN NOW. I USED TO LIVE SOMEWHERE HAPPY AND BRIGHT BUT I TOOK A WRONG TURN AND CANNOT FIND THE WAY BACK. NOT BY MYSELF AT LEAST. I HAVE SO MANY BLESSINGS AND I KNOW IM FORTUNATE BUT IT ALL SEEMS WAITED ON SOMEONE LIKE ME. I CRY OUT OF GIULT IN ANGUISH THEN I CRY HARDER FOR BEING A BASKET CASE AND NOT MORE HAPPY FOR MY FAMILY. I GO THROUGH THE MOTIONS WITH MOST PEOPLE BUT SLOWLY IM DRIFTING FURTHER AND FURTHER INTO THE DARK COLDNESS. THE WORST PART IS IM ALL ALONE WITH NOT ONE PERSON IN MY LIFE WHO COULD COMPREHEND. THEY SAY JUST GET OUT AND JOIN A GROUP OR GET HAPPY, BUT WITH THIS WRENCHING FEELING IN MY HEART I CANNOT MAKE ANY CONNECTIONS WITH ANOTHER. I FEEL LIKE AN OPEN WOUND AND NORMAL EVERYDAY TASKS ARE EXCRUTIATIONG. I PRAY FOR GOD TO TAKE THE PAIN AWAY EVERY DAY. MAYBE TODAY HE WILL, THATS MY ONLY HOPE LEFT IN THE WORLD

  • Anonymous

    I was told once, before we’re born we choose to come into this life. Told the possibilities of life are endless, you can do anything you put your mind to. Why is it that life contradicts that very statement. From a young age were forced to see the realities of what this life really is. A place where judgement of others is more important than judgement of one’s self. Where the rich strive and prosper and the poor struggle. Where the only peace you can find is in the bottom of a bottle. Or with a complete stranger, it seems the closest to you have the biggest swords waiting for you to turn your back. This scene we call life is a figment of our imagination where the worst seems to always find you and only you. You look for a way out and it leads you to another dark alley. You pray for a better day but it keeps on raining. Recently life has made me question whether we truly even had a say to begin with. We live then we die, so what is everything else inbetween? I’m young and I couldn’t bare to tell you what I’ve seen and done, yet I’m suppose to live like this until the tide turns? What’s a brighter tomorrow when your sky is filled with sorrow? What’s finding yourself when you can’t stand to look at it in the mirror? I’ve come to the conclusion life is simply that, a word.

  • Claire

    I can really relate to your descriptions of how depression feels. It’s true that everybody irritates me these days–I can’t stand the sound of my husband chewing food–and I want everybody to shut up and stop talking to me. Am supposed to be job hunting right now, but sweated profusely through my last job interview. (Going back to work after being a stay-at-home-mom is very stressful). I feel like a giant loser. And honestly, I’m so tired that if I get a job, it’ll cut into my nap time. Too depressed to move.

  • angela

    I don’t feel like dying but sometimes I wish I could lay down and sleep for days. I set about, 6-7 alarms in the morning and getting up is an extreme chore. I end up skipping classes because I feel like shit that day. When I do manage to wake up I take about 1-2 hours to get ready. 4 years ago it took me 15 minutes to get ready. I hate going out, I hate sitting in class and I hate school. I hate myself and I hate the way my life is going right now.

  • kelvin

    My mind has begun to feel so open, and because of it I feel out of control, im miserable every morning I wake up. And I’ve lost the skill to both play basketball and enjoy anything at all, even music the way I used to. And it all started when my mind began to feel less put together and closed. Is a mind being open a sign of depression because I have no idea

  • Ash

    Depression feels like the world around you isn’t the world you’re really in. Sometimes I feel like a walking spirit. No one can see me. No one can hear me. I’m all alone, simply an observer of the excitement in other peoples lives. I wish I had that.. Real laughter, real smiles, real friendships. Every day it’s hard to get up. I anticipate leaving the house because I knw it’s all going to be the same again. I go to school, but I’m alone. I ask a question in class and my heart starts beating out of my chest. I’ve become so antisocial that simply asking a question in class becomes too difficult for me. I’ve been broken so many times I feel like my heart will never mend. I can’t see the good in myself. I am only able to accomplish things on my own, if only my body would pick up the paste for a minute. It’s a struggle to make friends so I don’t even bother. I feel like I live in my own little world. Nothing makes me feel happy. When I’m alone, which is most of the time, all I could do is think of everything that’s wrong, have been wrong, or is going to be wrong in my life. When I get home from school, whether I’m hungry or not, I stuff my face with food and turn on some anime. I zone in for hours upon hours. When I’m watching anime is the only time I feel normal. I know these characters. I find them funny. I’m empathetic to their emotions. But the second it gets turned off, I no longer feel alive. There’s no fire, no will, inside of me to be happy. I still cannot comprehend how other people an be so care free. How??? I wanna feel that way. I wanna stop the head aching, heart wrenching, body shaking feelings I have every damn day. I’m sick of it. I hate when I randomly become overwhelmed and the tears start to flow. Sometimes I choose one person to share my feelings with and after I’ve stopped crying, I feel pathetic. I scold myself for sharing what’s inside me. I can only imagine the things this person must be thinking in their head of me. Perhaps I shouldn’t have mentioned how much I hate being on this planet. They probably think I’m suicidal, which I am, but not really. I can imagine how it will hurt my loved ones….who don’t really remember that I’m even there anyways. They all live thousands of miles away. It’s just me and my mom, and most of the time she’s not even home. She thinks my feelings like these are some what stupid. She thinks I can turn them off like a light switch. She doesn’t understand me. I’ve never loved a poem until I read “we wear the mask”. I’m just ranting. It’s made me feel a little better but I think I’ll stop now. Yup. Toodles.

  • Jessi

    I am literally lost in a series of long winding tunnels within a cave when it comes to my depression. I don’t feel “sad” I feel miserable. Everywhere I go, the world crumbles around me. I hate my life. I hate feeling like I’m not worth anything to anyone. Every night I pray to God that I won’t wake up in the morning; and sob when I do. Why does God want to torture me so? I have chronic headaches from all of the smiles people have that I can’t seem to put on my face. I’m constantly tired but I can never sleep…

    I cut myself for four years; always on my thighs. I just wanted to not feel so much emotional pain. I wanted my depression to just leave me completely, and I figured that it could if I constantly felt physical pain. After my mom got arrested for “possible suicide” I couldn’t handle it anymore. I cut myself much deeper than I have ever done before.

    I’m so afraid… I’m terrified to know that even my anti-depressants aren’t helping me. I’m terrified that my boyfriend of nine months will get fed up with it, and break up with me… I’m afraid to talk about my depression. I don’t even know why I’m posting this… I guess it’s because I know that I need to let my feelings out, to people that would understand… Do you understand?

  • nischal

    Today after so long i feel like i have got friends…and i can walk out of my room.this short temper is ruining me.i doubt on her,nd ya,its been about an hour i had breakup with her.now god save me.i feel like a psyco.

  • siva4285

    I totally feel irritated, i hate every single person in the world, i tend to go outside this world, even i get irritated over my family members,what and all the things that made happy doesn’t make me happy anymore, don’t want to work anymore, feel tired with this world, always prefer being isolated, tears runs out of the eyes with no reason,disappointing and feel my life valueless,so strange unable to get out of it!!!

  • Raine

    it’s like you’re blindfolded
    and you’re heading deeper into the ocean
    finally the blindfold comes off while you begin to drown
    and while you’re drowning
    you can see everybody breathing

  • Travis

    Depression feels like there is a lot of weight on your chest and shoulders.it feels like you can’t do anything right, you can’t even make the right decision and every relationship goes wrong and that just builds up more pressure. I am 13 years and I broke up with the girl last year and depression has been building up inside ever since and I haven’t even cried for three years before that and its even harder now. I don’t know what I am going to do I can’t even sleep, my grades are going down and my parents shout at me but when I try talk to them they won’t listen, my dad always says I must stop acting like a pissy when I tell him and it seems like he has no feelings for me anyway so I have no way to express my feelings.

  • PK

    I prayed today for God to please show me what is wrong with me and why I feel so detached. It’s not normal to feel this way for so long and all I really want to do is be alone. I keep going to doctors about physical pain I feel like they think I making it up. My spine hurts a lot, my joints, but the weight against my head is so strong and the pressure in my chest. I know it’s depression, well it seems like it.. I read every comment above and simply can’t believe I related to every single one. I guess that’s all I have to say…just want out of this badly. I want the fog to clear I hate not seeing the color of the world clearly. I hate just wanting to go to sleep and secretly wishing I wouldn’t wake up. That’s honest and I hate that I feel like this because life is a gift. It just seems like my gift is broken and I don’t know how to fix it. I smile and it’s so fake..I help others for a living while I’m dying inside…I feel like I am tapped out. A week ago I wanted to scream, but, now I just don’t care. I just want to be left alone because I can’t imagine anyone including myself wanting to be around me. And quite frankly don’t give a damn anymore about what other people think..sick of pleasing…and no one see’s.

  • Andrea

    What depression feels like for me … I’m exhausted from nothing. Being depressed exacerbates depression bc I am constantly wondering why am I feeling this way. Exhausted, melancholy, weepy. Focusing on more than one aspect of my life takes monumental effort and force. I can work my job, I can be a mother, I can maintain my home. I can’t do all three. Thinking of all three and the other day to day requirements that fall through the cracks makes me feel overwhelmed exhausted. I am constantly asking myself “how do people do it all, and what is wrong with me?” Being exhausted makes me depressed. Thinking about how I want to be a better mother makes me weep… And tired. Thinking about my work makes me feel guilty about not being a good mother. Thinking about my kids makes me feel pressure that I’m not a good employee. I struggle to get out of bed. And go to bed at my kids bedtime. I have no feelings for my spouse. I wake up with unexplained feelings of dread or anxiety and want to just curl in deeper, and then I feel guilty for feeling anxiety and wonder if I’m just lazy. And the anxiety increases. Six to eight months ago I thought I had kicked it and said I was the happiest I’ve ever been. Now for the last month or more I find myself back in this place and just knowing that seems to push me down more. I’m writing this bc it makes me feel better for this moment as I analyze this and look back at my words. It’s helpful to see others words too to see that there are more than just symptoms.

  • me

    I feel like I can’t do anything right. I am too afraid of everyone judging me that I can’t even function. I can’t join in when people are joking with each other and having fun. Everything feels not real. I regret everything I say, like I under-explain and over-explain everything and everyone hates me for it. I hate every moment of existance. I wonder if this will ever end.

  • cathy

    Okay here goes. Ok The thing is is that I don’t know how to feel anymore. Don’t want to bathe, go to my activities or even work part time anymore. It’s been really hard past while now. I don’t like the place I’m living in. Always worrying about rents going up and me being homeless like a lot of other people. I loved taking pictures and visiting people. I don’t like doing that anymore. I have never felt this bad in a long time. I just don’t know what to do anymore. I talk to my pharmacist and he said you need to get out more or force yourself to do things. He truly is a nice guy and truly tried to help but I told him clearly that he does not understand. He didn’t know I was taking an antidepressant. I explained that one to him. He told me the pills I take for my anxiety are also a depressant. I have no other choice when the anxiety goes haywire on me then I have to go to bed and escape. I can’t face the pain. I wonder if the anxiety went away would I ever feel better. There is only so much of this crap the human body and mind can endure. I’m not asking for pity. I’m saying that I struggle with this everyday and I don’t know why it’s gotten worse. My cat had to be let go or put to sleep on Oct.31st because of diabetic complications. My mom passed away on January 31st of this year. A friend passed away in March. Some more that I knew of. I don’t know if this is having an effect on me. It’s like I don’t feel anything sometimes. I grieved for so long and then this. Is there anyone out there who could please just reply to me. I’m so confused. I don’t want to be here anymore. I don’t even know where I want to be. All I know is that I don’t want to leave the apartment. I’m so lost.

  • Christie

    I’ve always had problems with depression, but I didn’t and still don’t want to go to a doctor about it only to have them try to shove pills down my throat or put me in therapy for something I’m viewing as unchangeable right now. The many times I’ve thought about suicide I only have my sister to keep me alive. The only thought that ever comes to mind is what will she do without me? I feel numb, helpless, and hopeless. And it makes me laugh in the sense that I’m always the one telling others to not give up and that there is always hope. Yet I go home wishing that I might not wake up as I fall asleep. My depression deepened when my ex left me and it was on mutual grounds. I understood and still do. I want him to be happy and if he can be without me then so be it. I love him enough to say I’d rather him be happy with someone else than be miserable with me. Though I miss him dearly and I wish he were here. I still look at all my journals and realize I must be insane as it seems like I’ve been living the same day for years. I am barely scraping by and I just want it to end. But I don’t want to die, I just can’t deal with living like this when the one person I loved with true passion and deeply, isn’t with me. I always hear how you shouldn’t kill yourself over someone else and that they aren’t worth it. That I’m being selfish and immature, but we are human beings. We are one of the most selfish things on this planet so what does it matter that I just can’t deal with this numbness. I lost the one thing that gave me life and hope. I want to hope that he may come back, we are both still very young. But that is the point in itself. Anything can happen. I wish that I wasn’t as intelligent as I am. Ignorance is bliss truthfully. I won’t leave this world yet. But this life is going to be hell. I feel worthless and people tell me I’m so great, so beautiful inside and out, yet I just thank them and tell them they have no idea what they are talking about because I know that I’m just as messed up as a serial killer.

  • Ryan

    I feel as though I live in darkness; darkness devoid of hope, happiness, trust, and (for the most part) love. I’ve lived in the dark so long I don’t care about it anymore, and when I do catch sight of “light”, it’s mostly dull. Like it’s not not even really there. And when I actually see it, it causes me pain to keep my gaze fixed to it. I find I can’t look a beautiful girl in the eyes for too long: my chest actually aches, and I feel as though I have no business meeting her gaze for any reason; a feeling that I’m truly unworthy. I never even attempt to initiate romantic relationships with the opposite sex anymore. I see a beautiful girl and I think, “She looks nice, but she won’t pick me…even I wouldn’t pick me”. This is mostly everything I can put into words. The worst aspects of my depression I can’t even put into words. The anger, hatred, and sorrow I keep within myself hurts so much sometimes I can only clutch my chest and cry silently, hoping it’ll pass before I have to scream into my pillow. I don’t know why this is happening to me, or whether or not getting in shape and getting a good girl would actually help. What I really wish I could have, more than anything, is someone to believe in me again. I wish I had someone to say to me when I feel worthless, “You’re not a screw-up! You can do it!”…cause it feels like the people who were supposed to do that gave up on me a long time ago. I just want to believe again…

  • Annie

    I don’t know if I am depressed or not. But I notice that I isolate, I’d rather sleep or do nothing at all. For the last month or so, I almost stopped going to school because sitting through it was too hard. Strange thoughts about me dying, images, pop up in my head – sometimes without me meaning to, and sometimes I even think about it seriously. A couple of days ago I even wrote a future suicide note, in case I’d do it, and a plan on different ways to do it and what I need to do before I leave. This is a little scary.

    Most of the time I feel numb. Sometimes I laugh and try to smile, but it’s either for the wrong reasons or I fake it, and it doesn’t feel real to me. I used to be a very happy-go-lucky person, or at least act like it, but now I wonder if it was all just a fake, a front to the world. The last couple months, the periods in which I feel really sad and tired are increasing, both in amount and duration. I keep picturing strange things that feel like truths to me – like how everything is actually black in between. Like the sky doesn’t meet the ground, and in between there is just black, dark space. Empty space. I also dream strange things. Once about a little girl slitting her wrists, another about someone trying to rape me, and strange things like that.

    Sometimes I feel empty, but I don’t feel pain, and I wonder if it is all just a problem that I created in my head. Am I trying to act it out? I don’t understand anything. But then I slip right back and am convinced that it is real. It is a tiring cycle of questions – is it real or not? Am I worth help? Do I even need help? Is this some weird, subconsciously created stunt for attention? Is it just my personality? Why do I even bother? What reasons are there to stay? Should I just off myself? How, when? But what would that do to everyone I love?

    Good thing is, I have talked to some friends about it. My mom also found out after confronting me (and I can’t lie for the life of me), and is now doing everything she can to help me. I’m not sure if I want help, or even want to get better, which is strange. But I’m not comfortable with how involved my mom is. I want to tell her to stop rushing to help me, and to remember that I didn’t tell her because I wanted her to babysit me, but because she confronted me and gave me no choice but to tell her.

    Maybe it is all in my head. I don’t know. Wish someone had answers for me.

  • Alberta

    I got off pain killer over 3 years ago, at first I loved being outside gardening I really enjoyed it, I neglected the inside of my home by doing nothing, I spent all day and all night outside until it was time to sleep, I had the most beautiful yard in the neighborhood the ground was green and the rest of the yard was colorful, the following year I gave up on everything what was beautiful and now has turned to mud. THAT is what my life is now, I do nothing and when I say nothing I mean nothing, I wake up every day feeling like I am not worthy of having any family part of my life and do not want anyone in my life I avoid anyone and eveyone, I live in my bedroom and do not leave it, I am frustrated at my life and do not want to have or be in this shitty life anymore, It just get worse and worse every day for the past two years. I have seen doctors that try and shove more pills down me that make me feel more shifty until I stop taking them, they say give it time I will feel better but it has only gotten worse, if I did not have a grand baby who I love I would have already left this world, I feel like that would be the only way to get rid of the way I feel. I want to get better but my brain tells me I can do it but I have no motivation to do a damp thing about it, if anyone has anything to help please I am here to get some.

  • Doe

    Every day i wake up, and step by step I go through my daily ritual, take a shower, breakfast, brush my teeth, go to school, hang with “friends”, fake my laugh, my smile and listen to what they say while thinking that their existence annyos me, in reality if they flat out died infront of me i think i would just walk past them feeling relif there’s one less person I must remember the mess that their lifes are, like i don’t realize my life is a huge clusterfuck. Nothink excites me anymore, even when i accomplish one of my goals I just go “Meh”. The only thing that makes me go through my day is listening to music and knowing I will go back to sleep eventually, and the next day is the same, fake my feelings, I wish everyone would just leave me alone and not mess with me, family, friends. I don’t cry, I don’t laugh, I don’t get mad or angry, I don’t feel anything, I’m just here with things around me that seem hollow, borring, bland and colorless. Even when I have nightmares I would rather be asleep. Music and sleep in this hell that they call life.

  • A. Nonny Moose

    I can laugh at a comedy sketch I am familiar with, but it is an automatic laugh because I know to “laugh now.” Comedy is not funny, it makes me feel much worse.

    Mornings are the worst. I wake up and my first thought is “Crap. I didn’t die in my sleep.”

    I can’t wait to sleep. I don’t remember my dreams most of the time, but I know I’m happier in my dreams.

    Antidepressants made it worse because they altered my sleep cycle and I had horrible nightmares, so there was nothing to look forward to EVER. It was also much harder to silence suicidal thoughts while on meds. And withdrawal was just terrible. I won’t go back on them, but I wish these depressive cycles would stop.

    Hubby tells me to just act better until I am better. That really doesn’t help and it just makes me want to slap him. But I do act my way through my life. I should be a freakin’ Juilliard grad for the masterful actress I am.

    Sometimes I can stop a cycle if I catch it early enough by spending several days in service to others. But if my work schedule doesn’t cooperate or it catches me when I’m not paying attention, I head down the spiral too quickly to catch and stop it.

    I wish I could go back to the days when I cried for no reason. At least there was feeling there. I’m a numb rock now, acting my way through my life and hoping to die in my sleep.

  • Depression is like death without being dead

    This is how I viewed my depression for a long time. People staring, laughing, pointing, acting like it is a joke. To me, it is like Death without being dead because this is my head:
    Tired of feeling depressed
    Tired of feeling alone
    Feeling like I’m not apart of this world
    Feeling unworthy
    Tired of crying
    Tired of keeping it bottle up
    This feeling of loneliness
    Wondering if people even care
    Wondering if people would miss me
    Or if they will be in despair
    Being lost in my head
    Just wanting to sleep
    Holding onto what little hope I have left
    The love of my little life I created
    Depression is a fucking bitch
    The medication makes it worse
    Sometimes you wonder what would it be like if it ended
    The feeling of not being a whole person
    like pieces are missing
    Did you know it’s normally caused from childhood/adolescent traumas
    Mines because of people always looking down on me
    Bullying me
    I fight back and due it with an attitude
    I treat them even worse
    It doesn’t help
    Sometimes I just want to die
    I grab a knife and wonder what it would be like
    I always wonder why people do what they do to me
    Why they push me to this limit
    Why they hurt me when they know I struggle
    I don’t understand it
    Most days I feel great
    Other days I just want to sleep forever
    I wonder what it would feel like to slice my throat
    My wrist up my arm
    Wonder what is after death
    If there is a heaven an hell
    Would anyone miss me
    Would anyone care
    People don’t understand
    My parents say I’m just seeking attention
    I struggle everyday
    I wonder though
    What would it feel like
    What would it feel like
    The fine edge of the blade slicing my skin like butter
    The blood trickling then pouring down my body
    Gasping for air
    Drifting into complete blackness
    I wonder
    I just wonder

  • Lance

    I get really pissed off at my family.
    Waking up is seemingly impossible.
    Throw on an fake face at school around friends.
    Hopeless, all of the dreams and aspirations I had suddenly vanishes.
    Easy to zone out and just not think about anything.
    Things that would normally never upset me, piss me off more than ever.
    I want to disengage in the world and go be on my own.
    Any and every negative comments kill me inside, they used to never do this.
    Lethargic and little to no self confidence.

  • Jagsandpits

    If you’ve ever played sports imagine not drinking any water during practice, you get home and you see breaking news “no more liquid” and your dying of thirst.if you’ve ever been extremely thirsty you could imagine this. That’s what my depression feels like. “A thousand cigarettes won’t change the way we feel” perfect song lyrics because it’s true

  • Kelly

    Ever since I got married my life became pure shit.. I wanna die I hate living with my husbands family and we have no money to move out and No car for the past month… I just wanna Kill myself.. I think about death every single day.. I shouldve listen to my mother . Shes always right

  • Emily

    This is the first time ive ever posted about my feelings of depression. Im 23 years old and never wanted to admit that im miserable. It feels like im stuck in the bottom of a well. Im screaming but no-one can hear me. And thats because I’ve never asked for help. I don’t know how to have a conversation with another human being nor do I want to get up in the morning. I constantly feel lazy but manage to crawl out of bed every morning to go to work. I don’t know how it all started. I just know I’ve hated myself since I was a kid. I was never good at making friends because all of them agreed I was stupid and criticized everything I did. And I believed them and every cruel word they said. I want to stop feeling like an empty shell. I know expressing myself for the first time won’t make me change. But it certainly helps to open up all these closed doors. I never let anyone in because im afraid of rejection. I don’t want to rely on medication but I do think I should seek therapy. I just want to know what its like to be happy and not care about what other people think. I truly hope all of you find true happiness. All of you deserve it.

  • annonomys

    Im what you would classify as a “depressed person.” Since I am never quite happy, although I’m able to be happy and laugh. But Im always sort of a sad person. But I do not think Im clinically/mentally depressed. Maybe Im just a sad person. But I remember this short time where Im almost 100% sure I was depressed. Maybe not. Who knows. . .It was only for 2 weeks or so, which is the weirdest part. Ive never felt this before and never have after that.
    It was like all my negative thoughts multiplied ten fold. I had extreme self-hatred for myself and was extremely irritable. It also felt like somewhat of a dream state. I slept at least 12 hours a day and then just stayed in my dark room all day. I was so irritable I could neither be happy with the radio off in the car nor on. It was on a barely noticeable level. I cant remember if i cried a lot or not. Im sure i did. The worst time of day was morning and night. I would lay there in my bed hating myself and thinking about killing myself. Mornings were worse because I knew I had an entire day left and nights were better because I knew the day would end and a new day would start. I lost all interest in all activities. I didnt talk to anyone I didnt draw or do art. I didnt go to school (online) and I didnt volunteer. I loved volunteering at that time so not wanting to do it anymore is what made me understand my behavior was abnormal. well somehow i got out of the state. dont ask me how, i dont know!! I think this happened a while after my first breakup. Maybe a couple of weeks to a month. I also was very behind in school. This seams to alwayas trigger a depressive mood for me.

  • Lola

    I am probably depressed, and I’ve been for over a year now but one thing that’s different with me is i don’t cry a lot. I just feel dull and sometimes i do break down and cry a lot but when i’m finished i feel so weak and pathetic for crying, so whenever i feel like it i just tell myself i cant be weak so i should not cry because its bad idk.

  • Elizabeth

    I feel this exact way, but in short bursts. Usually just at night a couple times a week. Sometimes for days. It seems like most of the other times I can keep myself distracted enough to not feel bragged under it. Any thoughts on this would be great.

  • nina

    I just feel like death is the ultimate prize. I have nooone. No friends, no job, no husband, no savings, bad credit, I owe IRS thousands, credit cards shot. The man that helped to run them up just left me with a child.I got cancer and survived. I wanted to die and u feel like god hates me because he ket me stay here in this hell of a life with no love or hope. No goals or dreams. I’m walking around dead, useless and up all night by myself. I must be suffering for sins from my past life. Who really cares about me anyway. If I died today, there would b 1 person at my funeral.

  • Armen

    I have been suicidal and depressed for 10 years. I’m 32 now, and it hasn’t gotten any better, except for that medication just shuts off all emotions and make you numb. My sister says no emotions are better than bad emotions…? Then how am I ever supposed to love myself to then love someone else so then they can love me?

    Depression is annoying and relentless. It feels like I’m just an observer of life and I just watch everyone else. The person who said it was black and white wasn’t kidding. There is no color, only contrast just so you don’t bump into anything.

  • R

    I wasn’t sure if I even had depression until I realized the amount of times I began to cry; not just cry, but bawl, whether when I’m trying to fall asleep or when I’m attempting to finish my homework. Even though motivation has finally at least reached a bare minimum for me to concentrate, I still feel as if I am in a slow-moving film; I am in a ocean in which there is light, but the waves descend upon me and prevent me from swimming across. For the past year I have felt as if I was a shell of a human being, and despite my efforts, it seems to get stronger and stronger and stronger.

    I’m so stressed and anxious; I’m so lonely. The friends I can perhaps count on my fingers are usually not even there for me. My family, while concerned, are too busy dealing with other things for them to actively take notice…unless, in this case, they see my grades dropping from a 4.0 GPA to a 2.5.

    I honestly don’t know what to do anymore. I don’t want to think about committing suicide, but I find my thoughts are slowly approaching such uncharted territory.

  • norma ramirez

    I feel like everyone is trying to go up against me like nobody defends me, I rather not hang out with anybody I could care less about anyone even my parents, I hate socializing with friends and family,sometimes i wish I was dead, when I cry out of anger I tempt to scratch my self or pinch my self really hard, and yes I almost always think about the bad experiences and I’m in a bad mood all day every day I hate saluting people at work cuz it’s awkward I just don’t Care about anyone or anything

  • Cole Maverick

    Imagine the kids that bullied you in school, plus every mean remark you’ve ever heard from your parents (and keep in mind I’m saying your parents, not my parents. which are in a whole different category of fucked-up), plus the rejection of everyone you’ve ever had a crush on, plus how your body and mind feel when you have the flu. Are you imagining all that? Now imagine waking up every single day to have to battle all of that INSIDE YOUR OWN MIND.

  • Travis

    Waking up is a chore. The people around me are a constant reminder of my long list of failures. I fail in everything i do. No one cares about me. I just want to go to sleep and never wake up. But I’m too scared to commit suicide. I’m scared it might fail, and I’ll be paralyzed or some crap like that for the rest of my life. God, why wont you kill me?

  • Ria

    I think every day, it doesn’t matter what I do. How I make myself look, what I try to be, who is in my life, where I live, or how much money I have. I will always feel like nothing. What’s the point and why does it matter? – 2 questions I ask myself every day. It seems like it is grey and rainy, with nobody around even when it’s sunny and you are surrounded by people who care. There is one feeling I can’t even describe or remember feeling. Joy. For the past 6 years I honestly cannot think of a situation or time I have felt pure and natural joy or excitement. I used to feel embarrassed about my depression but it really consumes you in a way that it becomes regular to feel alone, inadequate, and hopeless where you stop caring what people think and further isolate yourself. All you can do is keep trying because in the end as strongly as it feels hopeless, realistically it isn’t.

  • Sandy

    I am having all the symptoms you have mentioned above except crying out all the while. I can’t cry. I feel hard to concentrate in almost everything. I am feeling worthless and everything I wish and hope barely happens. My parents don’t understand my feelings and I am asked to keep quiet and listen to them all the while. They want me to sacrifice my happiness so that they can be happy. Myself being religious doesn’t seem to make my dad happy at all. I am blamed for all the unhappy events in my family.

  • Jonathan

    I feel trapped. Trapped in a vicious cycle that begins with an energetic burst, a push of productivity and positivity, and in this part of the cycle I feel like I might become what I’ve always dreamed: a mentally stable person with the capacity to build a family and a career. This period is, sadly, very brief. It’s end starts with a thought. “There’s no way you can keep this up; you’ve never been able to.” To date, this thought has always proven true. The thought starts ocurring more frequently, and eventually, it starts to show. I’m a music student in college, and while I’m practicing percussion, I’ll make the same mistakes repeatedly without finding a way to fix it. After a few minutes, the mistake is all I can think of, and I just throw my mallets/sticks down in frustration. I’ll try to take a break and relax, but these practice sessions always end with me angrily leaving. I start finding it harder to concentrate in class or on my homework, and start becoming apathetic to my studies. I start finding it impossible to wake up for class in the morning, despite the fact that I set multiple alarms. My roommates tell me that I turned them off, but I have no recollection of doing so. When this happens, I beat myself up over it, and I go through the day closed off, only responding as much as completely necessary. I’m currently failing two very important classes because of this pattern of behavior. I start to think that I want to die even though I have strong enough inhibitions to prevent suicide. Last year, in my senior year of high school, I spent a large portion of my time thinking either of sleeping or dying. I didn’t care about school, I barely saw friends, and all I did was go to school, practice percussion (as described earlier), have sex with my girlfriend, fight with my girlfriend, and sleep as much as possible. When I would fight with my girlfriend, I would just close up and not say a word. All she wanted was for my to spend all my free time with just her, and all we would do is have sex and sleep. Of course, that relationship only perpetuated my depression until I really began to obsess with suicide. I would look up different methods and try to figure out what would be least damaging for my friends and family to deal with. At one point, I tied a dress tie (that my girlfriend bought me, ironically) around my neck and tied it to the clothing rod in my closet, putting some of my weight on it to see what it would feel like and fantasizing (what a disgustingly accurate word) to feel a thick rope burning my neck and releasing me from life. I was cognitive enough still to know that I couldn’t do that to my friends and family, but I had begun making rationalizations for suicide, reasoning that I would hurt them more with my living failures than I could through dying. That was the closest I came to attempting suicide. The idea of going to college was the only thing that kept me going other than the occasional relief of a good rehearsal/practice session/calculus lecture (I greatly admired my calc teacher and found the subject fascinating). When I finally made it to college, my incredibly busy schedule forced me to get better. After a difficult transitional period, I began to really feel happy. I broke up with my girlfriend and began spending my time with my friends or getting real, normal practice in. I still missed more class than I should have, as I would occasionally backslide, but for the majority of a semester, I did it. Now I’m in my second semester, and I’m not as busy. Yes, I’m still busy enough that I have two or three 7:30 A.M. to 1 A.M. days a week, but I have more time. I started out the semester alright, but in the past month I’ve missed my morning class regularly due to the aforementioned inability to wake up, and I’ve shoved off many other responsibilities.

    The craziest thing about this is that while there is a large cycle as described above, some days become like microcosms of the larger cycle. Take today, for example: I woke up at 8:45 after sleeping through my alarms; my midterm for the class I’m failing started at 8:30. While I might have had a chance to catch the last few minutes of the class to explain, one of my roommates was in the shower for a long time, and I couldn’t convince myself to hurry. When I finally got ready and got to my 9:30 class, I had to take a test I forgot to study for (I am generally forgetful, but I think I become more so as I get more depressed). I undoubtedly failed. I then went to a group piano class. We use electric pianos with individual headphones, so I spend the whole class making up sad music while ruminating over my latest failures and thinking about quitting music. The thought of suicide reentered my head for a few minutes. After class, my piano teacher told me that she was concerned about how much class I was missing; I stared blankly while she spoke, said thank you when she finished, and trudged out the door. I then practiced xylophone for a while, but I could only practice for an hour as I lost focus and become very tired. After that, I talked to some other percussionists for a while, and I started to feel a little better. I then went to Symphony Band rehearsal, and barely put any effort in. When the conductor would ask me a question or give a suggestion, I would respond apathetically and pretend to pencil it in the music. During one of the last pieces we rehearsed, I managed to get involved enough in my timpani part that I began to feel better, and aftee the rehearsal, I felt a lot better. After that I had another rehearsal with a few other freshman percussionists, and I really began to get lost in the music. After the rehearsal, I was in an extremely good mood. I was skipping around and singing songs. I was so drastically deferent than earlier that day that one of my friends commented that I might have bipolar disorder. The other three guys laughed and treated it as a joke, but the guy who said it spends a lot of time around me and knows me pretty well. After that I did homework for a while then started laundry. I managed sleep a little while my clothes were in the washer, but I couldn’t fall asleep when they were in the dryer, and afterward I couldn’t sleep at all. While doing laundry I began to slip back down into sadness as I worried what new failure the next day might bring. And here I am, writing this. I’ve been writing for an hour because I couldn’t sleep even though I’ve been awake for 18.5 hours and I only slept four or five hours last night. I have to get up in less than four hours, and although I’ll try, I suspect that I won’t be able to. Worrying about tomorrow has brought me right back to where I started this morning.

    I know that I must be more active to get better like I did last semester, but everything I try, I end up sleeping through class or screwing something else up, which puts me right back to square one. I worry that with these mood swings and my tendency toward depression, I might end up worse than I’ve ever been and committ suicide. I don’t worry about this for me but for my family. As I lie here, I am not scared by the thought of death, as it would at least answer my biggest question: will I overcome my form of depression, or will it consume me, forcing me to see just one way to stop it. Even if I get better now and pass my classes this semester, I know I’ll backslide. I feel trapped. A vicious cycle, indeed.

  • ariana

    i don’t know why, but i feel this pain/weight in my chest. i come from a sheltered family, and i don’t have a bad life. most of the things listed apply to me. i don’t understand what is wrong with me. why do i feel this way? i feel like it has something to do with my childhood, when my parents went through court to fight for custody of my brother and i. i don’t know what i’m interested in anymore. i don’t know who i am. this stress, or whatever it is – depression, maybe – is beginning to take effect on me and my life. i often snap at people, even if i don’t want to. there are times when the weight in my chest is barely noticeable, but it is always there. this gave me an idea of what i might be going through, since i don’t want to tell my father or mother about this. i do not wish to see a doctor, or therapist, or take pills or anything of that sort. i just want to know what is going on. so thank you.

  • S.E.L.

    I have experienced depression on and off for the past 7 years or so (I’m 24 right now). It sucks. I am tired all the time and would really just like to spend the day in bed on most days. There are many things that I would like to do, but I just don’t have the drive or energy. My thinking is disorganized and I have trouble concentrating. I am a student, and sitting in class is painful. I have trouble getting up and leaving the house. I generally feel numb and grey on the outside, but inside I’m a whirlwind of freefloating anxiety and gloom and guilt.

    What I’ve found helpful:
    CBT
    Pushing myself to do things that I need to get done, since not getting them done feels even worse.
    Pushing myself to do things that I used to find pleasurable, because I often do end up enjoying them in the end.
    Pushing myself to spend time with people.
    Taking advantage of the days/half days when I feel better, to be productive.
    Taking my medications consistently.
    Exercise (when i have the motivation to do it)
    Giving myself a break and “choosing” to be lazy.

    I also find it help to remind myself that “what goes down, must come up”. If your mood plummets, it won’t stay low forever.

  • brian

    I have suffered from depression ever since I was attacked I had my taxi cab I mentioned to someone about my depression the next thing he’s at my door trying to set me up with a guy who is on the list for. A taxi plate who has just sold his house .well he wasn’t on the list only reason he sold his house was he was a embezzler and had to pay money back or go to jail .he used my depression against me made me feel wirthlless that I wasn’t capable telling people he was saving me even though he was screwing me out of my taxi I lost everything he traded my taxi in leaving me with a plate that I could not put a motor in as I was depressed this guy caused me to try and take my life. I hate people if I was not on AD I would find him and kill him .so the lesson is if you have something worthwhile keeping and someone wants. It don’t assume they will not con you if you are I’ll the more you tell them the more they use it against you my life is. Not worth living

  • Hoping

    I cant smile. Everyone says i bite their heads off. I feel like i cant do anything right without scrutiny. Always pestered never left alone. I see myself dieing in many different ways in my head. Ways that make no sense, random cars driving me over, slipping on ice. I feel like everyone hates me. Im never good enough , smart enough, cool enough, strong enough, never enough. I can only think of a line from a song about puting my finger to the sky and just saying goodbye. I strive for excellence and come up short. I push myself to my limits but never get anywhere. Im not strong enough to end it and im not good enough to survive. I hope my story can help others look past their own problems and keep trying to survive. Only the good can survive.

  • Edward

    I am all of the above symptoms. Describes me exactly. I dont even want to work. I think I inherited this because my grandfather was chronic depressive.

  • dian

    Everyday feels like a struggle , I just can’t escape the grasp of this depression , my life feels dark , never sunny or happy , just always negative , no-one understands what I’m going through day in and day out ,suicide sometimes feels like the only way out , but it feels like I’m going to make life worse for my girlfriend , I just want to get out of this dark hole but its just so difficult

  • Kmads

    i just want someone to hear me. A couple years ago i was the friend to initiate going out, going to the mall, just doing everything i could but somewhere along the line something changed i dont know what it was but it was gradual. Now if my friends ask me to do something i think of anything i can to get out of it and its not that i don’t like them, i adore them i just feel like i have weights on my shoulders just making me stay in bed and my head feels like its a thousand pounds 24/7 not that it hurts it just feels heavy. i feel heavy. i only ever leave the house now to go to work which then brings out my anxiety which revolves around needing to look perfect and as egotistical as that sounds its really not. my mind gets COMPLETELY twisted and wound up around these unrealistic ocds about my appearence and all i can think about is if people are looking at me and if they are what theyre thinking. i feel like my life revolves around other peoples opinions of me and it makes me sick. i feel sick. and don’t even get me started on having conversations with people. how are you supposed to have a normal conversation with someone when all you can think about is how much you hate yourself and when the fuck can it be time to go home smoke a bowl and sleep for ever

  • Dean blaze

    You really hit the nail on the head, my friend.
    I replays all failures in my head and punch my steering wheel as u navigate this wasteland. I tell people I am a ghost because I seem invisible to everyone.
    I feel like jumping into a hole almost all the time.

  • Satan

    I feel like I have lived my life so far in a constant slumber with only short interceding periods of being awake. I know my mind is capable of becoming wise, my body of becoming strong and fit, yet every time I get motivated to improve on either one of those aspects I fail. Every simple earthly pleasure(over-indulgence of eating, masturbation, sleep, procrastination, internet, gaming) tempts me and if ever I find myself capable of resistance the next day I’m back to the pathetic person I am without self control or ambition. I have never known friendship or love, still I have been told I look good and have a sense of humour. I’m turning 20 soon and although I realise no one is going to respond to this comment, I am confident that I will never turn 21.

  • Claire

    For me it’s like a dark tunnel with no light at the end. I try to remember things, event, and they’re not there or blurring and dark. I feel tired and useless and annoyed with everyone. I want to lock my door and never go back to the world. I feel as no one cares if I’m missing. I get sick a lot and most of the time for no cause at all. It’s hard, my brother is the only one who I told, when my parents found out my father yelled at me and now when he is mad threatens to put me in a mental instatution. They don’t care. I use to love sports but hate them now and dread going to practices, my grades are low and I barely pass my classes. I’ve began feeling like this two years ago in seventh grade, it’s nice to now others are having similar problems.

  • Makenzie

    I wake up every morning wondering why .i try to smile but i can’t .i have an addiction to pills and im only in 6th grade .i need help .

  • nethma

    This helped but I’m not sure if I’m depressed or not… I feel like I am i mean i cry sometimes for no reason at all. I feel like cutting sometimes but I know if i cut or attempt anything someones gonna find out and I’m gonna get in trouble. I’m sad that’s all I know. I’m the disappointment in the family the one that doesn’t do good in school even though i try so hard, I have so many secrets its kills me because if my parents find out i would get every single person i brought with me in trouble. I guess you could say its the benefits of having over protective Sri Lankan parents. I feel like such an idiot for even thinking I’m depressed. The thing is i made myself like this I’m the one who didn’t have an interest in being a doctor unlike any brown person I’m the one who has a dream, a dream to be a fashion designer which isn’t allowed. I cant believe I’m even typing this right now but i feel like if some random person just read what i feel and if i find someone who could relate i would feel better. I’m just so sick of being the one whose always happy and trying to make everyone else laugh when really I’m not even happy. I bet no one would even read this but who cares right? Whats the point of even living? I would just run away if i could but again who cares right?

  • Samantha

    The its like drowing in front of everyone and no one is noticing. your drowning and cant die or pass out,you just keep drowning. then suddenly you pop out of the water just to your chin.you get this calm and it makes you cry because it such a relief. for a moment everything normal and you hold on to every second.then you get a sinking feeling in the pit of your stomach,and slowly you go back under the water,crying… that is what my depression feels like.

  • Bea

    The worst thing about my depression is that i have become unrecognisable to myself and so doubtful of others that I isolate myself. Too afraid and i dont care enough to make friends or leave the house, talk on the phone, go to Uni…and the irony is that I’m so terribly lonely. I’m afraid I will die alone.

  • Jessica

    Depression, for me, is highly amplified by our culture. My simple ways that bring me comfort are simply no longer understood or appreciated. I feel a total disconnect with most people. I am annoyed with the focus of most people: pop culture, fads, etc. I crave deeper interactions that I find most people don’t even experience any more. I crave humanitarianism and positive action. I feel like smiling is forced often. I crave more isolation from most people. I am not suicidal. I am angry at negativity and inconsiderate behavior. I worry about money constantly because my job does not pay enough to cover necessities, much less leave enough for my hobbies or interests. I have a high tendency to review negative experiences over and over. I have an urge to experience nature for comfort, and a lingering negative outlook on the state of our environment and its future. I have little faith in our school systems due to my own negative experiences. I crave conversations about important topics that are more likely to turn into insult contests online, but don’t seem to matter to the average person. I have a constant inner conflict between myself as a woman, and as a woman who American culture has influenced negatively since childhood. Sexism is constant. I have not come to terms with death. The degree of cruelty that exists in humans tortures me mentally. I have a strong desire to learn but with it comes knowledge of boundaries I have little hope of overcoming. I crave a small, self sufficient lifestyle which is financially impossible for me. I have many good ideas and no support. I do not feel love often. I have a horrible time waking up. I can sleep for a consecutive 12 hours and still feel unable to wake. I cannot afford clean healthy food that I once could. I suffer from muscle fatigue and nausea sometimes actually causing me to vomit. I feel disconnected from life often, as though I’m drifting in and out. I have difficulty sustaining relationships due to my tendency to isolate myself or my inability to afford to leave my home except for work. I cannot afford health insurance, yet do not qualify for assistance. People are very negative about the idea of assistance for those who do qualify, which is depressing. My work is physically tiring which leaves me with little energy for enjoyable exercise. I do not have a safety net. I live day to day. My apartment is tiny and run down. The police in my small town are corrupt and angry individuals. My vehicle was hit by and uninsured motorist who is nowhere to be found. New standards at work require me to hand over roughly 60% of my earnings through tip out policies and taxation. I will not be able to afford to care for my parents who are adamant that they would rather die than go to a nursing home in their final years. I have deep interest in the world that I will likely never have enough money to see. I have developed a painful growth on my knee that I cannot afford to have checked. My menstrual cycles have slowed to once every 2-4 months. I have an obvious hormone problem resulting in visible symptoms. Sex is rarely interesting. Survival knowledge has fallen out of common education and knowledge which bothers me at a core level. Constitutional rights are being diminished over time. Opinion and fact are now the same in ‘news’. The deadly weapons at a global level are scary. Religion was taught to me yet I never accepted it which is causing me conflict of emotions. I have more than many people around me. My goals are often not achievable strictly because of money. I feel sedated and trapped like a rat often. Winter weather amplifies the feelings. Their is more negative information than positive available from most sources. I access this all multiple times a day. I believe quality of life and happiness correlate.

  • tisha

    I feel like right now I can’t breathe even tho I am I feel like I’m suffocating slowly. and I feel like nobody understands I feel like I wanna b left alone and that everyone is using me for their on personal happiness and I have lost so much in the last two years I am drained I am anger sad and crying as I type this

  • Ella

    I get lost in my own head, I space out and daydream for what can be an hour and feel like minutes. I ache all the time like you do when you have the flu. I avoid the people I care about most because I dont want to bring them down. When I get really bad I wont leave my bed, I will make cancelations or excuses for everything or just not go and not care at all. That’s another big part of it, not caring. I dont care about myself, the way I look or feel, I dont care about what is going on in what was my normal life. I cry a lot and Im sad a lot and I get unbelievably frustrated because I have no idea why; people ask whats wrong and I really dont know. I tell myself, “its nothing Im crying for absolutely no reason. And that is weak, dramatic, and pathetic.” But my answer is always, “Im fine.” I dont want to talk about my feelings because I dont understand them and Im embarrassed. Even when I try I cant. I cannot make the thoughts in my head form into words. It’s hard, it comes and goes. Good days and bad days (like an old lady) long hard spells of depression which is usually when it can take you over. When all hope is lost I remember the last time I tried end my life and even though I had sunk below rock bottom things did get better. I think about the things and people I have experienced since then. You’re not alone there are many others who understand and suffer just as you do. Admit you have a problem and get help.

  • anonymous

    Depression feels like I am wearing a really heavy coat, but I still can’t get warm. I am physically fatigued to the point that just typing is difficult. The mental fatigue is even worse. The very act of forming a sentence is difficult, like I am fighting to speak in another language. I have random and sporadic periods of extreme sadness, like I am about to fly apart into a million pieces. I tremble all over. When it is over, I am numb, almost like my brain is in “overload” and shuts down like a computer would. I can sit for long periods of time doing nothing, because my brain isn’t correctly processing time.

  • Charlie

    Enthusiasm/interest are impossible because they are based on the existence of enjoyment. The absence of the ability to enjoy makes enthusiasm impossible. In this state, how to you feign motivation day after day after day after day and not become tired? Maybe stopping doing that(pretending) is the right thing to do. Why is the right thing to do so hard to figure out? WHY does life have to take on a nature that is so painful anyway? What on earth is this for? Something is definitely wrong but it isnt visible or obvious. Its already wrong before I wake each morning.

  • bbs

    I feel overwhelmed, which might explain the tears that take place without warning. I constantly picture how better I would be if I just remained asleep: no dreams, no stream of consciousness– nonexistent. I am tired. I say I love my family but think to myself how I do not care what happens to myself nor anyone around me, which I hate myself for. I cannot tell if I care for someone or if I only use them for temporary gain. I cannot process any emotion I am feeling; I feel everything at the same time, so nothing. Am numb. I am not living, only an object that breathes and functions without reason. A constant battle plays in my head. It’s all in my head, yet I wonder how people cannot see how or why.

  • Jasmine

    I’ve known depression my hole life my childhood contributed to it I’ve tryed talking about my problems but I lie straight up to the counselor I once had I feel shut out of the world alone family dose irritate me I feel like the world is attacking me and u can’t escape I hide behind the not known happened I show everyone I am the mast rat fooling I’m a lie witch makes me think why am I Evan hear

  • Keri

    I have been on birth control for the past couple months and I just realized that I have suffered from the depression side effect. I have felt like I have fallen out of love with the man in my life. I have had this terrible feeling on my chest. I have been crying and crying and crying. I have believed until this moment that I was going crazy and I needed to get actual help from an insane asylum. But I realize now that I will be okay. And I can’t let this be a thing that is in my way. I’m glad I found this website. It has helped me a lot

  • Thomas

    I feel like there’s nothing there for me. People smile and look at you as if they aren’t quite sure what to do with you. You always feel like something bad is going to happen. Everything seems suspicious to you. Too much information at one time can just shut me down, specific triggers. I’m anxious for everything but I don’t show it. For example finding a seat on the bus (I’m in grade 10) You feel like the world is collapsing around you. I make depressing remarks and often times seem distant to my peers. It’s near impossible to wake up and when I do the day seems the same as the last. A cycle repeating over and over.

    Depression is like trying to peel a potato with a potato. You try and try and you get very very frustrated. You look for help all over the place unsure of what to do. You go and ask peers or family and they just end up saying “Oh geez you’re stupid. Why don’t you just peel this potato with the peeler?” as the hand you another potato to peel…

    I have constant thoughts of escape and my dreams are unatural. They recur a lot and when they do they’re dreams of the dead. People I know an love in life but somehow rotten, dry corpses and they’re everywhere.

    I suffer from a specific condition called Night terrors. I’ve had them ever since I was a child these aren’t just regular nightmares but something out of a demonic film. Just thinking about it now as a I write I feel like crying. These dreams still follow me around and I scream and cry out in the night as I stumble around.

    It doesn’t help that a girl I’ve loved for 5 years just recently told me to grow up and that I was never right for her.

    Life is filled with opportunities but with depression you fail to see the good and the open doors.

    It’s almost like there’s a parasite inside you, let’s call it a Depressant. These Depressants feed off your happiness. Anything good in your life you will instantly feel dissatisfied including activities that were once satisfying lost their shine. It sucks everything. Energy,life,health, etc. And just replaces that with a toxic goop that fills your body and poisons your mind. A perception that is completely wrong yet somehow you believe it.

    You just keep on looking for a hand to hold onto. Through all of the tests and all of the diagnoses that I’ve had to go through in the past 4 months. Through all of the mornings when I can’t wake up but I somehow have to so I can fit a certain box that the world and school want me to fit.

    But I believe that this is a test a test to see how strong we really are yes some of us have tried to hurt ourselves, yes we have had some tough times, yes life feels like it’s going nowhere. But this is an experience I want to live through.
    I’ve tried suicide before and failed.
    And after all that I realize how completely scary that was…
    I was prepared to throw it all away, life, my family, my honor. So much that I had just decided to throw away without real thought.

    I do believe that this experience can make the world better. Great men and women had to suffer before they reached their maximum potential. They had to sweat, bleed, and live through it.
    I have a friend who just recently talked to me about her emotions and her depressive thoughts of self infliction and suicide. I managed to pull from my experiences what I know to be true and meaningful knowledge and applied that.
    She is now seeking a professional medical attention to help her through this.
    And I stopped her from making a bad mistake and turned an entire situation around.

    So people here that I barely know. Will you try and make a difference or will you stand on the sidelines as the world slowly destroys itself.

    I’ve experienced more things that a lot of adults and what I’ve taken from that is that the world is a cruel,unforgiving place. So why don’t we punch the world in the face (figuratively speaking) and forge our own paths?

    These are merely chemical problems in our brains yes. They seem like a lot more don’t they? But once you get to the point of not caring about what happens to you. You start to realize the things and the people that care about you.

  • Ge Gadwa

    One thing about depression is that in a way you get comfortable in that mindset. In a certain sense you are miserable being depressed. But at the same time you do not want to give up being depressed. It is like a security blanket.

  • Daniel

    I tried to hang myself less than a year ago since then I have continued to mess everything up in my life I am constantly worrying crying and pretend everything is ok I am really worried that this will beat me and I will just give up

  • Lou

    its complicated to explain how im feeling and to be honest im not sure if im depressed or not. i feel sad and lonely, like i have nobody to talk to. its so overwhelming sometimes and i get this feeling like im drowning. i feel like im underwater and i cant move, theres nobody to help me. sometimes i
    feel like i need to cry but i cant and it actually physically pains me. its like an annoying ache in my chest. i would love to talk to people and have nice little conversations but im terribly awkward and i get very anxious. I cant keep a conversation going anyway. I can still be happy, doing something i enjoy. Its only for a little while and then the feeling sets back in. I always think that it would be nice to have someone to talk to. Someone who wont judge me no matter what i tell them. Someone who could just give me a big hug and tell me its okay yknow? It sounds stupid but that would actually make me feel a lot better. I feel terribly lonely and like i dont fit in with anyone. I feel isolated. I want people to comfort me but at the same time i dont want anyone to look at me or pity me.. I feel weird.. Idk. Ugh i feel like i.cant breathe this is the worst.

  • Cheryl

    My depression is so crushing, so devastatingly heavy, that I think I’m giving myself heart disease and that I’ll die before I can get help. But then I’m afraid I won’t die and I’ll continue to live in this hell.

  • jane doe

    Depression is like a cloud constantly surrounding your mind. You might feel happy for an instant than you catch a glimpse of the could and you’re back in hole. Depression eats away at you, who you love and what you love. It feels like someone is constantly calling you “fat” “ugly” “worthless”. Depression is constantly thinking about death and what’s going to happen, who will care, will it hurt. Depression sucks. Period.

  • Ruth

    I’m what it feels like under so much pressure I want to run away and I always feel like everyone around me irritate me so much. I’d rather be alone! I some deserted island with nothing there to bother me. I can’t take it anymore I don’t feel understood by my partner and my kids well that’s another story in feel so down and tired all the time! And on too of that I’be gained weight! I hate how I feel but I can’t help it! I do feel like prayer helps but then I don’t even feel like praying ! I don’t know what to do :,(

  • ana

    its like a never ending nightmare the fear pain anger never leaves ..I have suffered this from child hood then in my teens I took drugs then alcohol to try numb the feelings drugs made it worse then I almost lost my mind through alcohol for the last few years ive been coping with out these posions because I come to realize there is no escape from this , but I tell you this is so hard and yes death seems like a relief that is if you could do it and not care about the other people in your life . so for me there is no end only suffering . Also its the loneliest place in the world to me trapped by your own mind and no one around really ever understands the pain you have inside . What makes it worse is when you allow peple to hurt you and bring you down you feel even your own family is againts you , every one is against you ..like one big plot .. then you have ask your self is it every one or me thats the problem . But the problem persits .. whats wrong with me . I need help but who can help how can this fix theres is no cure . this desiese is tormenting and sickening . Im sorry to have nothing but doom and gloom but im just giving my honest experience of this and I would like it to end because it has spoiled my whole life.

  • Ayesha

    This is so comprehensive and accurate, I feel a bit better knowing there are others out there whi feel the same too. Who even though you don’t know personally, are people you can identify yourself with. Thank you so much for weiting this.

  • Dee

    Depression is when your inner light goes out. It’s hell. I’ve dealt with depression from a very young age to now, entering senior years, but to read the responses from the young ones just breaks my heart. I hope this illness becomes better understood and accepted so they don’t have to live with the shadows overtaking them their entire lives. To all of you, know that you are so much more than the darkness that surrounds you. And also know, that when someone tries to help, or offers a smile or some kind of connection, that they are carrying the embers of your light until you see it again for yourself.

    Big hugs to all of you.

  • Payton Dawn

    Depression is not fun. I suffer from severe depression, and I have been for 1 year and 4 months.
    Depression is so painful.
    Not like the kind of pain when you are punched or poked..
    But it is emotional.. Mental, even.
    It slowly destroys you on the inside, then begins to show on the outside.
    Everything feels so slow..
    You begin to feel worthless.
    You don’t want to do anything.
    You cry a lot.
    You’re very sensitive.
    Nothing about depression is pleasing.
    You do t get attention from it, because it’s likely you are similar to me… You don’t want to tell anyone, because you’re afraid of what they will say or think..
    I would love to say more, and tell you how it is.. But I am done for now.

    -Payton xx

  • Kim

    Many of these symptoms are considered atypical features of depression. Many times, people with atypical depression are unknowingly type 2 bipolar. People experiencing atypical features should be on the look out for hypomania. It’s hard to experience any symptoms of depression…atypical is especially difficult in my opinion because people don’t understand and/or can’t relate.

  • Rick

    I remember a very specific moment that led me to where I am right now.I’m married and two months at from having my first kid and I’m not sure that I want this life. I’ve never been sure of it but now I’m stuck.

    There was a girl I could have chosen over my wife and the result would have been a much different life and note after six years I’m starting to think that I made the wrong decision.
    I’m a disappointment to my wife and myself and I have ruined everything.
    I’m going to spend the rest of my life pretending.

    I’m going to get drunk.

  • Caitlin C

    I am super insecure and jealous and take it out on my boyfriend I now live with. I feel so unattractive and overweight and I resent myself for spending so much money on things to fill me that I don’t even use or need. It was a struggle to get dressed for Thanksgiving yesterday and even though I have a closet full of clothes, I couldn’t find anything to wear and hated the way I looked when I was ready. I couldn’t carry on any conversations with my family without coming off as awkward, and I felt like I had nothing to contribute or say. I caused a fight with my boyfriend about cheerleaders during the Thanksgiving football game, and people could notice we were fighting. My car was recently totaled, so all I do is work and sit in my apartment with my boyfriend and fight and wonder what the point of my life is. He was laid off and I’m basically responsible for the majority of the rent and its really getting to me. I’ve had alcohol and drug problems in the past and as soon as I moved in to this apt I relapsed after almost having a year sober. I feel so alone and empty. I feel like my life is truly pointless. I don’t have the balls to end it, but I wish I could.

  • Ged

    After reading this, I realized that I am depressed man. I thought it was nothing, but everything that is listed there happened or happening to me. I really need to do something about it. Thanks for this.

  • anonymous

    I just stopped caring.. about everything. I feel like I need to fake living. It takes such an effort to pretend I’m fine for the sake of my kids and I do.. Its the only thing I’m willing to put any effort into. I don’t want anyone to see how bad I am. I stopped going out. I stopped going to work(been calling in sick for over a week now). I stopped talking to people. I don’t even use social media (facebook, texting email etc)anymore. I’ve become a complete hermit. That’s my lot. I’ve never really fit in anywhere and I’ve been emotionally hurt in ways that heal as well as a burn scar.

  • Stephanie

    I’m living in my own hell. I have always been a pretty unhappy person and at a young age of 17+ I let myself smoke and hangout with people that I wasn’t too interested in and didnt have the same common interest. But the drugs were always there. So I let myself become apart of it. I finally find someone who loves me and wants to separate me from that life and instead of wanting that I pushed him away and hurt him. Luckily I realized I did want to be with him took me 3 months to realize it. So we got back together and he pushed me awy from that life and has helped me to stay away from drugs and useless people. But our relationship wasn’t perfect he was still hurt still resentful and in a way has always hated me from what I put him through. His anger towards me is scary and to this day we are much better but he does have his moments that his hate towards me returns. I lied to him a lot and destroyed him. But he says he loves me and continues to be with me. I have thanked him for helping me when it came to going the wrong path. But now he has no patience for me and anything little that I do annoys him and he does talk to me down whenever he wants too. And I know Im the one to blame but I love him and I believe that if I can stay by his side he’ll realize that we should just love eachother and be together. We have been together for almost 2 years now and we both are 20. Recently I became pregnant and became attached to my baby but for my family and mostly my boyfriend. I got an abortion that has destroyed me. I miss my baby every single day and I wish I could have been stronger. I shouldn’t have done it, I should have kept my unborn baby and I regret it more every day that passes. I have no motivation to get off from my bed. I feel so alone that it kills me. He’s not affectionate towards me how he used to be before I first hurt him. He doesn’t really hold me or hug me unless it’s when we say hello. During my pregnancy I would cry because I knew at some point I would lose my baby, he would understand to a certain point. But once that point was crossed I was called a child, dramatic, immature and annoying. He calls me stupid every chance he gets. I am at times dramatic when we argue, but then again he has no patience with me anymore that I feel as if in his mind he has told himself I’m the only female who would react this way. When in reality all women tend to show more emotion. But I try my hardest to make him happy. Im not the best at loving someone but I try so hard with him. Still it is not enough for him. We are going to move into a room together in a few weeks and I’m fucking scared. And that is because my love for him is fading. I don’t see him as the same man I loved after the Abortion and that’s because I know he doesn’t fully love me and that is my fault. But now it’s starting to kill me. I feel physically declining I don’t want to move from my bed, eat, or even drink water! When I’m out I think of what it would be to die, or have him cheat on me. I think of him leaving me and I think of him finally finding the woman he deserves. Because to him I am just a child who will never be what he wants because of my mistakes. I hate myself constantly and knowing I couldn’t care for my first child and I allowed someone to destroy their little body is just drowning me. I want to remove myself from all of this, But I love him. Lately him being on his phone more than usual is driving me crazy. I can’t be close to him when he’s on his phone because he makes a comment tht I’m spying. I don’t feel beautiful anymore to be honest I don’t even feel decent to look at because I fucking hate myself. And because I know he doesn’t see me as tht. He sees me as someone who he had gotten used to being with but he’s not fully happy and he’s not in love. I don’t know what todo with myself, I want him to be happy but I feel as if I’m better off dead. I need help but
    I’m scared that he’ll see me as bein dramatic or that I want attention. Because I do want attention but the attention I want that I don’t deserve is his. I want his love again I want him to need me and to want to see me and to smile when he thinks of me but I know none of that exist anymore. He fucking hates me and I feel the same way towards myself.

  • ellen

    i can function.. the body works but there is a disconnect like i am watching myself from another place.. i can work, i can even laugh with a sympathetic chatter going on in my head at the same time.. that i really should not be so false.. but it is expected. i do what is expected i say what others need me to say and when i bow to my feeling of crushedness it feels like my body is breaking through the centre and breathe is difficult.. not caring if that function continues but it seems to always keep on working.. most days this makes me feel frustrated that i just can’t stop living.

  • Darren

    I Feel like I have no hope of getting to the end of this hell hole and everyday is a struggle. My arms ache and constantly go to the toilet. I am withdrawing from Methadone and thought I had OCD as I would continually clean and put things in order. Then I was diagnosed, I was put on Mirtazapine and at the start nothing was different, then it felt a bit better but as time goes on I feel like its making me worse. I cant sit at peace and constantly figit. I listen to music all day very loud and sing along its the only thing that stops me from thinking. IO used to be the life and soul of the party everybody loved me My best friends were all girls as they said I had a heart of gold and a gold personality. Now I cant sit and listen to people talk and just want to punch hell out of them and tell them to shut up. Ive lost interest in everything but I have a lot of thing I like just cant get it together to pursue anything. When its time to go to bed I don’t want to Im to scared as I lie in my bed My breathing goes all funny and uncontrollable and start shaking and then comes the Panic attacks As I think that my family can hear my uncontrollable breathing. I sometimes close my blinds as to stop people seeing me act this way(It is normal for us to act like this isn’t it) Icant be in company no more to scared of what people see me as and I now have a trapped nerve in my neck which makes my arm numb which makes me even more figity. cant look people in the eyes either and when listening to someone after their fist sentence I lose interest and just want them to hurry up and finish their convo. but as Im trying to better my life I need to fight this and be the person I know I am but think will I ever be that fun sweet friendly careing Person that I once was. Be strong People just remember this isn’t real its just your mind trying to fool you into doing thigs u know “U” wouldn’t do stay strong and God Bless All of us

  • Tom

    Depression (not “the blues”) is like standing in the middle of a waist deep river and fighting the current which ever so gradually grows stronger and stronger. Their will come a point when the current is so strong and I am so exhausted it eventually just knocks me off my feet and takes me wherever it chooses to take me. As always it has no level of intensity or longetivity that can be predicted because it has a life of it’s own. I didn’t tough it out or ride out the storm. At any given time suicide just required too much strength and will to act. I just washed back on shore . The current losts its strength before I went under for good. That is the only reason I am here. Should I be grateful ? I used to be but I have learned IT ALWAYS COMES BACK. and my common sense tells me there will come a time when the current last’s just a little too long.

  • lucas

    some days i feel ok but other days i just want to punch something until i can punch no more, but at the same time i just feel like i’m worthless or anything i do is pointless and i feel like i can’t physically push myself to do easy tasks in my day to day and after considering the options i’m starting to think i might have a little bit of depression just thought i’d comment my thoughts anyways,

  • Brittany

    I use to be really happy and laughed a lot but sometimes I still felt down because my happiness was hurting people around me. So I stopped hanging with friends to hang with family and it was fine for awhile but now I just feel empty. I cry at almost anything anyone says to me I just like being alone but hate when people leave me alone. I feel like everyone is attacking me. And I ask for help from them help to make me happier but when I start crying or something they just say I’m over reacting or I need to be less sensitive and it makes me more upset so none of it really helps. I’m just tired of feeling like there is something wrong with me.

  • Maria

    Im in 8th grade.
    I’m often thinking about bad things without realising.
    I’m always tearing up over the littlest things.
    I’m obsessed with the idea that suicide will make things better.
    I’ve self harmed but no one has ever found out and I would never tell my loved ones.
    I often cry myself to sleep.
    I believe I am a failure and my friends and family get on my nerves very easily.
    Hate this.

  • Audrey

    Neverending pain for yrs now.tried every med and ect.cant feel pleasure.feel separate from my environment.suicidal thoughts daily.fear myself more than anything else.what’s the point?….sorry so morbid….hate being like that…try to fight it…get so tired of it sometimes…it never ends.

  • Gabriel

    Everyday I feel as if my soul is dying inside, i look at all these happy couples at school and i have this agonizing pain that i won’t find anybody, my friends who are with someone, i cant hardly be around them, i feel lost and like the third wheel each time i’m around them, and i am constantly having dreams of my mother dying, i am having dreams of myself dying slowly in front of everyone i know…and tears coming out of my eyes as i die. it’s scary, and it feels as if it will happen, me being shot or something and slowly dying in front of everyone i know. i’m not myself anymore, i dont even know who i am at all. i have lost meaning in my life, and i cant remeber if i ever did have any meaning. it’s so much pain i feel, i’ve gotten to the point that i can no longer cry hardly, i’ve cried all my tears away, and i’m left with intense agonizing pain, and i cant fully explain why i feel this way sometimes, but nothing ever lets up, and i am tired of hearing, ” stop giving me this woe is me.” well it’s not like that, it’s the truth. and no one in my family even cares, they say they do, but actions speak louder than words and i just cant do this anymore, i cant commit suicicde because i know i will go to hell, but i’m slowly fading aay, and im falling deeper into despair…

  • Jamie

    The intensity of feeling sad progresses to just wanting to die. It undulates throughout the day. Some days are worse than others. I’ve seen death happen to loved ones. I wish for pain. I don’t disrespect my relatively good health and am appreciative of it because I don’t want to have added problems in my life like the pain and suffering involved with cancer. I have lost so many to cancer. But instead of feeling joyful to have life, I just see how I’m not progressing enough. I try so hard, have accomplished so much, and yet it isn’t good enough to even find a steady job to support myself. Meanwhile, I see others, who are not driven, who are not smart…who are doing well. It is so depressing. I’ve been abused in past relationships and this haunts me regularly. I just don’t know how to keep going. I feel like I’m done. I’ve just come to terms with it all. I don’t want to do this anymore. If dead at least my organs could help people and in that I would have some value.

  • lb

    Sometimes I just feel really bad but other times I feel completely fine. I think its my parents.

    They make me feel worthless and I feel like I can’t do anything right. They always yell even at the tiniest thing. I am scared to tell them anything.

    Yesterday we had a fight over something I thought was okay for me to do but they thought I had misused their trust. I don’t understand what I did wrong.

    I couldn’t stop crying and I cut myself. I have never done anything like this before. What is wrong with me?

  • no one else

    i have never imagined myself succeeding nor have i succeeded. i am mentally weak, and i became everything that i didn’t want. i want to kill myself but i don’t want to be remembered like that. kill others would suffice until i die. i want answers from others but i don’t to give them myself. that is my life start to end.

  • BILL

    My depression has been with me my entire life, it’s the oldest and only friend I have. I describe these feeling like sharp thorns moving down life’s stem. I see the rest of the world living life in perpetual blossoms while I find myself here in the dark sharp stem. I know everything from the internet and I see the world through filter protecting myself from any and all pain, my depression has evolved to addiction numbness. I’ve tried drugs, they only exaggerate your expressions and create something very artificial. I’ve spent countless hours in the gym trying to catch a high from the workout, and then I simply go get high. But I believe that love is the solution it may be the cure we’ve all been searching for. I dream every day of falling in love and like magic my depression will simply vanish. Maybe it’s a fools errand at this point but it’s all I got th keep me going.

  • Parappa

    I have come to know the feelings that come with the onset of depression. Days before I feel really irritable and can’t figure out why, which makes me feel worse. The next day I have to drag myself out of bed and force myself in the shower, not hungry for food or I wake up at 4 am and have to get up because my mind is racing. Everything is grey and things that usually improve my mood just piss me off instead. Seems like a viscous circle which never ends it just comes and goes, sometimes its easier sometimes it gets harder.

  • Lucy

    Feel completely hopeless. Im 18 and i feel like my life is already over. I cant get out of bed in the mornings and when i am awake im soooo exhausted i cant function. All of my thoughts are negative and scary. I worry about everything and what people think of me. I hate people looking at me as it can bring on panic attacks.Sometimes i dont eat.I cry at really silly things like not getting the dinner i would like. I feel like im dreaming, like im just watching people live there lives. Ive ruined my long term relationship because of this and im so heartbroken about that. I have head aches and stomach aches everyday.

    I hate myself

    • Tania

      Girl you’re not the only one, I just turned 18 a few months ago I thought things were gonna be better for me I’ll be happier ha nope 🙂 getting out of bed is soo soo hard its crazy how every time I wake up The first thing that comes to mind is SO SO MUCH SADNESS & emptyness because I know today is gonna be nothing but sadness or numbness I get so angry & just wanna lay in bed for like 8 months lol… there’s so much more a person with depression goes through on a daily Basis everyone is different they all experience it different , I just wish I wasn’t this person

  • Mckenzie

    Well most of the time I feel like crying in the middle if class or even somewhere else in public. I feel like just use me and try to make me happy. I cry myself to sleep every night. Eh. I wish people would understand me. I “act” happy and put a smile on my face even though it’s fake and go through my day. I really hope my life gets better.

  • Abia playter

    I match with every single sign!! I do not work. I am a stay at home mom with a husband who is never around because he goes to school and plays football. So I’ve felt alone I never have time for myself. My one year old has been my life! With her all the time. I’ve never think of harming anyone. But I’ve thought of killing myself but If I do my daughter won’t have a mother I can’t never hurt the people around me to ruin life. I am loosing my husband because I am always thinking we will have a divorce. I need help!!

  • Julia

    Depression for me, comes and goes, often quite quickly. It feels like I imagine it would it if you bent to pick up a feather, but you discover that feather weighs the same as a table. It feels as if I want to get out of my body because it’s all scratchy and uncomfortable, like a tight woolly vest. I want to feel something other than this numbness. I sense at the back of it there, is anger and sadness, waiting behind. But it is blocked by this dark ice wall that is depression. It is physically hard to do anything. On a good day I can get up and do some l cleaning and tidying. On a bad say I just stay in bed and don’t want any sensory interruption at all. So I put off going to the toilet, keep my eyes closed, hope for quiet if it is not quiet. It is a malignant dusk falling over me. Most of all I want it not to be, and so I don’t want me to be either. Because we are chained together for as long as it lasts. I don’t mean I want to die. Just to sleep, or, if that is not possible, knock myself out with drink.
    Simply, I don’t know how else to bear it. And I don’t even know what brings it on. This week is no better or worse than last week. Nothing much has changed in the exterior landscape, but my internal landscape has shifted to a darker place.

  • lissa

    I wear fake smiles, I dont wanna b bothered I feel alone even if im around ppl! I try makin ppl happy even tho I cant make myself happy….. I jus dont no wat 2do!!!

  • lissa

    I feel like I cant do anything rite anymore! Everything irritates me! It feels like my family doesn’t care about me anymore, nd I jus wanna sleep all the time…. I cry 4 no reason. nd I jus dont no wat 2 do;(

  • Elke Quinn

    Depression has completely taken my life. No desire to be here anymore. Depression started very early on as a child. But then it was overlooked, I was bully in school so called friends. Even family were hard on me.So now I’m on meds, doesn’t help but yet if I don’t take them, more I want to die. I’m harmful to family and more harsh on myself. My brain is world off on it’s own. I don’t remember things and forget what I say. No one my family really understand me. The crying is unbearable, seems like I can’t stop, almost anything makes me cry. I do all this reading and journaling, feels like a waste of time. My family can’t get along with anyone. They say I’m in self pity mood and everything is about me. Husband, kids, father and extend family. It’ nightmare. I think I would be doing them a favor including me if just all ended. Smiles, fun and laughing is all gone for me. I don.t feel anything more. I talk slow, forget what I was saying and repeat myself a lot. God, forbidden I ask the question over again or repeat a sentence again, everyone just gets very upset with me. I want to hide in a corner and cry. Most of my depression came as we came to the USA. Kids would bully me in kindergarten already to high school. They laugh at me and call horrible names. Teachers then could care less. My parents tried to say things to the school, but school couldn’t give a damn then, laugh my family off. My mother got very sick and died at very young age. I was left for myself. The older I got worse my paranoid got, now I get panic attacks all the time. Trust no one. I see all these doctors, been to psych ward 4 times within year and half. Since I have no money I go horrible hospital that doesn’t help at all. the thing that keeping me alive is a fear going to hell, I do believe in God, I wish he take me home. Life here is hell already so I don’t want go hell for sure. My brain is in a fog most of the time and so is my speech. I know how most of you feel, but for me I can’t see the light. I see me as lamb in the middle surround by wolves ready to ripe into me if I move. My family just watching on the outside not chance in hell coming in to help me. I’m trembling to move. So they tell me things what this family did wrong to you and I can’t say anything to that person because a war would brake out. More stuff to keep to myself and force more pain on me. Even at work a few people always talk about me behind my back, where finally I couldn’t do it no more. So between family, friends, co-workers, life and surroundings. I’m done. I stay to myself and not bother anyone.

  • antonio Jordan

    My depression seem as if everybody I see in talk to around me I cant focus are get anything there talking about hold conversations with my love one I keep twist everything they say in try turn to something I can use to fight against them I dont believe them on thing we talk about I feel worry always think of the worst not positive it seem like in.my positive is lie to me im still getting thing done but its exhausting me to drive wash dish exercise if are having this problem comments back I need help

  • Anon

    I have suffered chronic depression since the ago of twelve, and I am almost fourty now. I’ve also suffered several bouts of serious clinical depression that required hospitalization or time off from school or work. The worst thing is when people tell you to just snap out of it or pray or something ridiculous like that. I don’t want to live this way, constantly thinking I don’t want to be alive. It’s horrible and frightening. I sometimes become afraid of my own self.

  • Sarah

    The things that normally make you happy won’t cheer you up anymore. Not your family, not pasta, not your favorite TV show, nothing really gets you out of your funk.

    You just don’t want to be around anyone because everyone irritates you or seems stupid and if you try to talk to them you feel like your bothering them and you’re always making mistakes you shouldn’t.

  • SD

    Oh..so tired I feel..all the time..my body seems like a burden I am carrying. And the brain..seems like it has lost all its swiftness..functioning like a junked machine..thoughts are irritating lifeless sounds of the machine..
    Days and night makes no difference..neither does changing weather, seasons, months, years…all are same…a sameness of despair is dispersed over them..

    Physical pleasure I experience..from eating or sex for instance..but happiness..what is that?

    I don’t know people…relationships seems worthless..how can they be happy..they must be acting..
    Oh..and communication…an annoying thing to do…causing anxiety often..

    All my desires seems fake..

    There is no hope..

    Why the shit am I living?

  • carolyn

    I feel alone i dont want to be bothered.I cry all the time nothing seems to go right for me so why bother….I lay in bed in complete dark wondering why im so unhappy why am i here….i lost all desire to do anything i once enjoyed i dont want to feel alone yet i wanna be left alone. When i try to talk im never understood …….i wonder wat i did wrong in life to feel this way…i will never be normal…nor fit in

  • Cheyenne Johnson

    I’ve been dealing with depression for a while now & I just turned 13 & I’m in the 7th grade I just want to be happy & live my life but the thing is I’m depressed all the time nothing ever seems right. Sometimes I feel like dying is the only way to escape the pain && all the hurting inside its hard to just tell my mom how I really feel but I need to because I really need some help I’ve been put thru alot & I’ve been dealing with alot & it’s hard most of the time to just enjoy life & have fun. I cry myself to sleep every night for no reason & sometimes at night all kinds of memories are just going thru my head & it’s got to the point where I will just start crying for no reason and when people ask me what’s wrong I make up an excuse like ” my head is hurting” so I don’t have to tell then the real truth I feel like no one will believe me.. I feel like I’m never good enough so what’s the point if being here.. I try to act like everything is okayy when I’m around people & I try to laugh and smile & act like I’m happy when if only people knew the truth .how I really feel inside..I’m dying inside..I need help..

  • Hopeless

    Everyday i wake up feeling sad, i feel like i don’t belong anywhere. As far as i can remember i’ve faked a smile because i don’t want anyone to worry about me but at the same time i want to feel loved, to feel that someone cares about me. Everything that happens to me seems to be bad. I think about killing myself almost everyday but i’m a coward and don’t want to feel pain. I just want the pain to stop. I feel like i’m living someone’s life and not my life. I worry too much about what other people think about me. My family irritates me and i’m always alone. I’m scared that one day i might get tired of faking, that i’ll wont be able to keep the feelings inside. I just don’t want to live anymore.

  • Limo

    I’m married 12 years ago and I have a 10 years old son. Me and my husband were in the same college and we were together 4 years before we get married. So it’s a love story. My life was normal. We moved from our country 10 years ago due to my husband’s work. Almost 4 years ago, I lost my father, he got very sick for 2 years, I was not beside him while my mom and brother were, and that’s because I live in another country. But I used to go for vacations but didn’t see his worthst situations, until the day my mom called and said I have to go and see him cause she knew they were his last days, maybe hours. And I took my son and went and I had the chance to see him awake but he couldn’t talk to me cause of the machines. He was in the intensive care. He passed away 2 days later after going into a full comma. I traveled back to where I live and had the worthst 4 months ever. I was in a very bad mood, always crying, feeling lonely, can’t sleep well, nervous, sensitive. And then I went again to my country and decided that I need to visit a therapist. She was very good. She started wth loosing my dad, and going on to a lot of things inside my life. She helped me. But that was for only 2 months. I went back to where I live and I was fine and ok for sometime. But after a while I started again to feel down. I was like on and off, on and off. 6 months ago I was very stressed and I was traveling to my country and I had a severe panic attack during landing. And then I got worried why and how this happened to me. I went to a therapist. After talking one hour with me he said I have a generalized anxiety disorder. Any said I have to meet a sycothearapist which unfortunately I didn’t do. And now I’m in rejection and refusing stage. I refuepse to go down, to travel, to go to the gym, I refuse my husband, I have no idea why I refuse these things, and I have no good reason for refusing and i know that. Yet I still refuse. And I don’t accept that my husband pushed me to do something like going out or traveling. I do it but with being veryyyyyyy nervous. I know I’m not enjoying life but I don’t know whyyyyy. Thank god my problems are not major compared to others. But I always feel no I don’t want to do so and so and so. I feel I’m not a good mother or a good wife. I really don’t know what to do. But I want to do like many people say “let go and take it easy”. I don’t know how to do it. I want to but how? How to stop my inner me from refusing to go out or to travel or to try a new restaurant ?

  • Danie

    Depression for me? I think I’m depressed. Some of the things listed here are exactly how I feel (or don’t feel). I’ve become somewhat partially insomniac though. I can only sleep 3-5 hours at a time and I always feel anxious, like I need to get stuff done. I still love my fiance, but I’m always getting irritated by him and I don’t know why. I feel like I could die for him and fight for him, but I don’t feel like being around anyone at the moment. I’ve also been doing moderate drinking every other day, which makes it completely worse.

  • Paul

    What does depression feel like?
    Depression feels like being trapped in a minefield with exploding mines while bombs and gun fire surrounds you in the darkness. You find momentary relief during brief interruptions from outside sources and sounds only to be returned to the hell you are trapped in. That is how the thoughts in my mind are spinning out of control while there is a search for the courage to end it all.

  • Angie

    I feel like my best friends are no longer are my friends. I get really sensitive that they don’t want to be my friends. I can’t stop my spinning thoughts. I have conversations over and over with myself about what I should have said or how I would have told someone off. I get hopeless about ever being able to feel better. I feel alone. I want to disappear under my blankets. Physically I feel a lot of my emotions. I have been feeling an extreme amount of sympathy pain throughout my legs when I hear anything the least amount painful. I feel a huge amount of pressure in my chest and nausea and feeling too heavy to do much. I have little interest in doing anything. I stay up late because I figure there is no reason to get up in the morning. Just get up and go to work in the afternoon. Some days things feel good, some days things feel good, then bad, then good in the same day. There are days I feel happy for about an hour. These days feel amazing. It is a constant battle to continue to fight.

  • Bryan Clever

    You feel like no matter where you turn, there’s no redemption, you’re just shit and really hate everything about yourself but don’t care to even insult yourself anymore, you just know you’re a failure and broken. You have this deep level of intelligence and character you just can’t be bothered with tapping into anymore, and you feel like any day now you’re going to die or have to take your own life because no matter what the day won’t come when you just feel okay. You can’t make proper facial expressions anymore, and can’t be bothered to care. Your voice becomes monotone. You’re virtually dead, and really, really, really sad but can’t express it properly and by being such a drag everyone has probably given up on you and you just gape at the wall each night, feeling very upset and the desire to be clingy is there but you don’t feel comfortable talking to anyone because no one will really get it or even care much. Sure you’ve got a neat talent, but nothing is good enough, and you’ll always be a has been. S.O.S.

  • Laura

    everything feels like an effort when people are there and I try to put on a brave face. part of me wants everyone to know how i feel but i know they won’t help, or understand.

    I want things to change but dont know how to change them, or have the energy to. I want to have someone else’s life but part of me knows that would turn out like this one.

  • Kelsey

    I just hate everything and everyone. I just want to give up everything. I’m almost there. I can’t stand “friends” if that’s what you call them. Seems like people don’t talk to me unless they need something. I hate my job. I hate people I interact with while I work. Seems I spend all my money just to work the next week. (I drive my own car and deliver meds to nursing homes and pay for my own gas). All I do is see the negative side to everything. I feel as if my boyfriend doesn’t even want to be around me which sucks because some how I wrapped all my happiness in him and for him to not even want to look at me makes me sick. Sick at myself. So I try to just avoid him. I feel like I am tangled in a net of debt I created for myself. I owe money for credit cards and loan and rent and I’m being so overwhelmed with it all I start having panic attacks? I’m guessing they are panic attacks. I’m 22 and I feel like I’ve been miserable my whole life but it’s never been this bad. All I do is cry and I can’t even look at myself I feel disgusting and don’t see anything good about me so why would anyone else. Ugh I just HATE MYSELF SO BADLY. I wish I had the balls to end it. Sometimes when I’m driving I flip out. And then the next day or so I can’t believe nothing happened to me. I don’t know. I just don’t know anymore..

  • alan

    I have suffered severe back damage and am now disabled after living a full and exciting life, motor racing and lovely holidays with my family, now my better half has to drive as i cant , i no longer walk my beloved labrador and the children although teenagers are going to theme parks with their mum and i csnt go, want to cry all day long but have to be brave in front of them, i am devastated and many times have considered ending it all so maybe she can move on and live a fuller and more mobile life. Am i holding them back ?

    • lola

      You are still who you were their is pain and you understandthere’s so many people that lay in bed and they don’t have a reason they can walk fine and not in pain but you have a reason and you want to walk your dogs you want to do these things and just hearing you and your message made me feel how silly I am just thinking there’s nothing else I want to go to dogs my daughter’s I don’t see them anymore and I haven’t had a partner it’s over 30 years alone but it sounds like you had a very exciting life and Saturday night for a little while removing that is very hard you have a lot to live for there’s two ways to get rid of back pain and have new device if you put on vomit in to help your back you got it you still have it you just gotta not give up

    • Rachel Jenson

      Alan I would love an update on how you are doing now, I hope that you have made it through and still are here, if you just end it you will cause your family members to be depressed as well, you wouldn’t wish that on them would you Sir? I just hope all is well for you and the rest of you on this site. I myself are suffering from this horrible diagnosis, I live my life with anxiety, I am so depressed, I stay in my room all day, my family members really seem to annoy me just by wanting to talk to me I will tell them off in a very cruel way, I get asked to hang out with my friends and I enjoy being out of my house although I loved being in my room all day and eating (pretty much living in my room) I would only go downstairs to get food, never to say hi to my family. I like to be alone all day it feels but inside it feels like I’m trapped from the real world, but then again when I hang around friends…It’s hard for me to spend the night there because I always want to leave early so I can go back home and be alone all day on my laptop doing nothing but eat and sob because of my grandfather’s death. I tend to run from my feelings, I have no idea what I’m going to do, I hope this doesn’t go on any longer, I want to live a normal healthy fun life. I don’t feel normal, I don’t feel free, I feel like there’s something that I could get back, but I don’t know, I just want to feel free again.

  • Povilas

    Its good to know that I am not alone.. I am 22 and it feels like im 60 that I don’t want to live anymore everything is boring nothing pleases me.. Overreacting most of the times getting rude to my parents.. Forgeting things all the time when I wake up in the morning I cant remember or I cant tell someone what I did last night because it doesn’t please me at all.. Nothing satisfy me.. Overthinking from the morning wake up, thinking who said bad things to me what is bad attracting negative energy which I don’t want to attract..

    • lola

      Your the age of my daughter she lays in bed all day like i do i havent seen her for awhile i raised two girls alone its hard but doing anything is better than laying in bed so when you say i feel so bad get up and walk just try to make it out of house and get around others that can support you its like a darkness you cant see holding u from a special destiny the world needs us depressed anxious because we cant fight the darknesz of not following the path to freedom one two three up you go

  • darren

    I have failed myself and everyone I love. I lost my marriage and being with my children, but not her fault I was ill. I lost all my money and put myself and everyone I care for in debt. I lost my career and suffer so much. I have to bankrupt at 47. All I do is worry, cry, sleep. I cannot forgive myself. If not for upsetting my daughters I would end this misery in heart beat. I was blessed with 3 daughters, and if I took my life I would at least have that. I will never be happy I realise that and I have tried to be well, but sometimes I suppose enough is enough. I can’t face what’s left of my life in poverty and tormented. If I could choose between having every bone in my body broken and this mental torture I choose broken bones.

    • lola

      My kids wont talk to me i could relate to everything you said its so hard to deal with this do you have someone in your life to be their i have one friend who is opposite from me i dont get out of bed or use computer listen to music because i am all alone we arent meant to be alone i hate waking up and seeing my life now u could be perfect for me and we would never know

  • Justin Stoddard

    I never really was able to tell i have been depressed. though now that im almost 20 ive really came to a grasp that i am a very depressed being. i do put up a kind of mask per say, that even i found to beleive. ive never found what can help it, and i dont try. i dont know if its the depression stopping me or the fact that ive come to embrase it and let it become part of me. i do find happiness in some sorts of activities such as cooking and brisk walks in the mornings. I really want to get a girlfriend though i dont really know how to do so with me and my depression. like i said i put up a really good mask and if i find a “right girl” how would i even know shes right when i dont even know if im “right”? anyway thats my rant. i do hope somebody reads and appreciates this.

  • Anant Agarwal

    How can it be that I have come down a path so lonely where there are only dark fences surrounding, my own 1000 faces sneering and jeering at me, People happy in their lives floating in the air, And I look at the mirror, see an ugly moron.

    I will kill myself, not because I am helpless, but because I am an ugly person. I deserve the fate. I killed the good person I was. Why? Because I chose to.

    Also I will not trouble anyone anymore. Enough of this crap. Even if I hate every word I write, so be it.

    Never forgive me. I hate myself.

    I have decided that no matter what, I will leave the old Anant behind.

    I think of suicide all the time, but I know I’ll not do it. What do I do?

    • lola

      Realize that others are alone in their bed desparate for a friend who understands they have been through trauma their whole life and have never seen kindness or understanding if you were to suffer with them maybe both could break free dont kill yourself your pain is a help to those that understand before u kill yourself i have big house to myself you would be welcome here so dont do it cause i need you

      • joehath5@g.mail

        I want to have a new life whom i most adore the person for undestanding and care for me and no about me what i want to be in life

  • Zoe Montgomery

    I found this website looking for a place to talk with someone about feeling “not on purpose” I feel when we feel we are doing something worthwhile like helping less fortunate …….or even the depressed, it give us a reason we’re here…..something to live for…..
    Everything I have been reading from all of you, I have also felt….. it’s so sad to feel life is miserable or totally uninvolved…..
    I have felt the same many many times in my life, same thoughts, same words, went through a divorce, had to move, give my 12 year old son to his father because life was just too hard……and guess what, I started feeling alive again……
    I found out the house I had been living in had a really bad mold, well, I knew that it had mold, but I didn’t’t realize that it was making me feel totally fatigued, and depressed and making my brain feel like “mush” giving me migraines, and sinusitis……feeling like there was nothing to live for, everyday was the same old same old week after week….what was life supposed to be anyway? What is this joy I hear we are supposed to feel? Well, it was the mold, but then, I got severely lonely, because, I was divorced and the only reason for living (my son) was living 6 hours away……I had found a jib I enjoyed (assistant manager of a really nice apartment complex) but I am not the type to live for work…….so, my life had no purpose again……..LIFE IS TUFF, it really really helps to know God and be able to pray, but then here I am AGAIN, I have a husband with the beginning I’d Alzheimer’s who needs me, a friend who had a brain tumor now her life is totally screwed and she has agramegaley. The tumor in her pituitary has made her body deformed and enlarged like pres. Lincoln and that giant who just died……so sad and she is brilliant too…only 34 yrs. Old, she totally needs me …..so life is more than having people need you and you helping them……SOMEHOW,WE NEED TO GIVE OURSELVES SOMETHING NEW….to LOOK. FORWARD TO……I KNOW THAT CHANGES THINGS !! Even, not feeling like it, step out into the world, go to a botanical garden,
    Walk on the beach, take a class that takes no talent like learning to slipcover, or use a professional sewing machine……something no one knows how to do til they take a class, get with other people who are looking for an answerto getting better, like a WO ENS resource center, it helps…….let me hear from you…….I am doing g these things just to add something new to kick start me change things up…….I DEEPLY CARE ABOUT EACH ONE OF YOU …….

  • Sophie

    I don’t want to burden anyone with my presence, I don’t feel as though anyone really cares about me anyway. I want to cry a lot, just to feel the release but I just can’t do it. I feel as though I could be set off into a crying fit from time to time but never quite have the energy to do even that. I used to tell myself that things would turn out okay, there would be something good for me in the future and I just had to wait everything out, but when I try to imagine what the ‘something good’ is my mind comes up blank. There is nothing good as far as I can tell, and a lot of work is required to feel anything close to content. I just feel hollow, it’s horrible and I hope no one else has to feel like this but my emotions are just gone.

    • Sophie

      Hi, this is very late but it’s quite strange! Im ten years of age and I could relate to everything you said, like wanting to break out into a crying fit, but for some reason I don’t know what about!I have trouble sleeping and spend most of my nights awake in my phone on the Internet about anxiety because I not sure if I really have it or just lying awake in the darkness can you relate at all?

      • Jim in Hayward

        Please talk to your mom or dad or aunt or uncle or brother or sister or cousin or teacher or nurse or principle.

        Please talk….don’t post.

    • Brenda

      I read your comment as if it were coming straight from me. I feel this way all the time. I thought at times before that maybe talking to someone may help, but it never does. Now I’m at the point that I don’t not only want to burden anyone with my presence but I don’t want to burden anyone with telling them how I feel.
      So right now I’m at a point that I’d rather be gone and just disappear but I don’t know where.
      Ever since I broke off my marriage because of things that I knew weren’t right, I haven’t been right. I can’t seem to get out of this funk that I’m in. I know I was depressed before but after breaking my marriage it seems to have taken a dive.
      I miss my husband so badly. He’s said this is what I wanted. But it ISN’T what I wanted. Someone had to put a stop to the mental and physical fights. It just couldn’t go on like that.
      I just don’t know what to do. I went back on meds this past week. I’m hoping they will help. But I don’t feel hopeful.
      I want to end my life but it scares me to death to think of it, how I would and then whom I’d hurt.
      So do I continue this life and hurt them with my depression or end my life and hurt them that way?

      • unknown

        Feeling xactly d sm…..m nt married m 22 yr grl….n my bf alwys blms me like dis….tht i dont lv him…this is wht i wnt…brk up…n mny mr..n i feel xctly sm like u…i tried tlk to him.. Trie to shr my wd my frnd… My mother…bt all of them jst sd tht i m too ngtv n alwys do sad tlks thts y they jst avoid tlkng to me nymr….m all aalone…no one wnts to tlk to me abt me….they jst like jokes….n fr mny dys..in frnt of thm i m prtndng like jst they wnt…bt inside m dying dy b dy….

      • Julie

        I myself am struggling with life… With carrying on. My health has deteriorated these last 7months , I’m in pain day n night n my life revolves around these 4walls I live in. I’m scared the days n nights are long. It’s made me terribly depressed. I’ve a 12 year old daughter to look after n I feel my partner dosnt love me anymore. I really don’t know what to do I’ve thought about ending my life but stopped with me having a daughter at home I think she would be better off without me in her life as I’m a failure so very sad

  • CLAUDIUS101

    GUYS AND GIRLS COME ON!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! LOOK. I am depressed right now. Hell. I am as depressed or even more than all of you or likewise. I DO NOT KNOW WHAT THE ANSWER IS. BUT FOR FUCKS SAKE. LET US STAND UP. LET’s UNITE. Just tell ALL THE PEOPLE YOU KNOW THIS DAY TO NOT BOTHER YOU WITH THEMSELVES, SO U CAN GET ON YOUR FEET AND RUN AND THEN JUMP TEN TIMES. SLAP YOURSELVES IN THE FACE AND SPLASH IT WITH WATER. GOD. I am tired, hell I don’t know if I can do half of what I say. BUT MAN THE FUCK UP. Just get up and do something. ANything. I reached the conclusion it does not matter what you do, as long as you do Something. Just do it. Go out sing dance calculate Doing what you think is right is Contributing to a better world. THis world is a mess left in unproctected souls and anxiety. Only we can change it. Please, just don’t give up. Never give up. Aren’t you tired of giving up? I am.

  • 123465

    Incessantly and uncontrollably into your mind comes the memory of every failure, every bad or uncomfortable experience, interview or date, like a torrent of negativity.

    That one hit hard. I feel like a strong person at times, but when I receive a set back through a negative experience I feel like it affects me more than it would have in the past. I can’t get the negative thoughts out of my head. I feel like everyone hates me.

    • Devin Starr

      If you’re reffering to a panic like feeling where your constantly thinking of ur mistake over and over, than that Is more likly to be anxiety friend

  • caz

    I feel so much that I don’t belong, I love helping people but I always get hurt, nothing goes right, I can’t understand badness, I can’t understand anyone, I think if I go I won’t hurt anymore , but I can’t leave my children , they are the reason I have to stay strong and carry on with a false smile everyday and I love them so much it hurts

    • Someone

      I love watching people smile and being at school. But when I come home, it’s like this huge crashing weight comes down. I’m never happy and hate my family. Whenever I have a different opinion, they just take it as the kid who has problems’ ranting about how unfair life is. People talk about suicide as a way of leaving the pain behind,but my number one fear is death. The irony. The one thing that I think about doing and I’m too much of a coward to go any farther. To help myself forget my situation, I often daydream when listening to music or theological bable. I’ve noticed that all of my hopes and dreams rely on someone to come and save me. Someone who cares and actually takes me seriously. Who understands why I always cry and breakdown. That I hate myself but am the only one I have to confide in. Therapists don’t help. After talking, I’ll feel good for a couple hours, then I’ll fall into the rut again. I have high hopes for my future, but I’m afraid I’ll never make it. I think the worst torture is mental, not physical. A place Where no one cares, believes you, listens, or understands. This is true hell.

  • well

    Yes, I have all of those symptoms and I have no idea how to fix myself. It’s gotten to a point where I feel nothing. Nothing at all and then people try to ask me “why do you look so sad all the time?” and I just tell them “oh, i don’t mean to. i’m not sad.” I really used to be happy and stuff, but now I don’t even feel like i’m alive.

    • Devin Starr

      Wow that comment just convinced me I that I am depressed. I wasn’t sure if I was truely depressed, I was just concerned because I noticed that I don’t talk at all anymore and my old friends would always say why do u look so sad or why do u always look like u wanna kill somebody, without me meaning to

  • busisiwe dlangalala

    Its amazing how I can be happy…I can be sooo happy that it would even scare me and the people around me, but this kinda happy is not the sunny rainbow pink kind of happy…its the type of happy that hurts so badly that I cry. I’m not going to jump into conclusions and say I might be depressed. I simply don’t knw. But all I know is that this is the worst and most cruel feeling that anyone should go through. It takes years off ones life…it breaks you down, emotionally…physically…psychologically and spiritually. I can relate to what has been said, especially the part “I don’t know what’s wrong with me”

  • John Maddaloni

    I cried for my parents for the first time in a long time. But my father has brain cancer and his tumor was removed a month ago. He is not the same person. He’s not my father. And my mother is worn to the bone that she can barely do what she needs to do for herself. My brother is away. Canada or LA. My girlfriend is confusing me. I know I love her…but when I get sad I question it and that in turn makes me more sad. I realize I don’t have many friends that I trust with my deeper feelings. Only one or two and they’re going to be gone for the next few months. England to study abroad. An opportunity I regret not doing. More negativity. I’ve been pacing around my room waiting for my therapist to get back to me. I haven’t spoken to them in several months. I’m worried I don’t have the right e-mail or phone number anymore. All I do is pace, shake, cry and think about all the things that are crashing in my life. I want it to stop. That’s all I keep saying. I want it to stop. Please, please, just stop and get over it. But it’s not that easy.

    • connie

      You have suffored major losses. It is normal to be sad overwhelmed and to grieve. Look up the stages of grieving. Then start cleaning. Inventory everything you own. Throw out what you no longer need.see what you can do to help your mom. Even if you are a guy scrub and wax something. Rub on rub off. My mother taught me this trick and it works when I do it. Ask whatever you believe in for the strength and courage to be of use. Much love to you. This too shall pass.

  • Ruby

    This is my third bout of feeling so depressed & down, although medication has been ongoing but non effective again. I feel numb, unhappy, no energy, no enjoyment or zest for life. I’m constantly drained & tired, my body aches. I feel guilty because I can’t be bothered & I don’t care, I can’t make decisions & only through guilt & expectation do I do anything. I want to run away and hide, escape from people. I don’t speak to my friends, I don’t socialise, I don’t feel confident & feel I’m not seen or heard. I criticise myself & dislike my appearance, I feel ugly & worthless, like a burdon that doesn’t have anything to offer. Everything seems a struggle or hassle, even showering or washing my hair, I put off until it’s so late I feel guilty for not doing anything, then rush around to look presentable. I’m out of work, I have no confidence or passion anymore. I get up late, I sleep for hours during the day & then sleep again at night, constantly exhausted but never feel refreshed or look forward to the day ahead. I want to do & change so much but my body & mind feel like lead weights.

  • Unstable Reactor

    Alright well I want to share something that really got me sad, I don’t know why, but afterwards I feel like a complete sissy and just want to die.

    So my dad went out to buy some batteries at Radioshack and while he was at it he bought this keyboard attachment for an iPad, probably because he thought it would be easier to type that way.

    He brought it home and well I don’t know if he even set it up right, but he was testing it out and it wasn’t working. The feeling of disappointment that my dad must’ve felt was what triggered me to get upset…like he spent his money on something, hoping to make his life easier, and it just didn’t work for him…like I’m actually in tears writing this out…

    and I just HATE seeing people disappointed like that…I could’ve probably helped him out, but we had this argument a few hours ago about how I wasn’t trying hard enough in school…for the record, I am, but with no outlook and I couldn’t tell him how much I wish I were dead (free from everything!), so I guess I gave him a rude tone or something, but hey it’s better than letting him know how I actually feel about life.

    He has seen so many disappointments in his life, like my older brother was diagnosed with muscular dystrophy as a kid and now at age 26, he’s still alive but dependent on everything…what’s interesting is that my brother, living with a disease that could potentially end him soon has more will to live than I do…he’s pursuing a Ph.D in mathematics…but when I think about how much struggle he had to face as a kid and the things he never got to do that I could, I just lose it and want to die EVEN MORE. I’m probably insane or something, I don’t know, but I don’t want to take medication or be diagnosed as depressed or whatever…no, I REFUSE. But I need some sort of help.

  • Ann

    All of that sounds right with me.. I fear I could be on the high verge of depression. I don’t want to admit it because I don’t want to be depressed. But.. I don’t know what to do anymore.

    A lot of the times I feel as if I’m drowning or like I have a huge lump in my throat. Like I’m screaming for someone to just hold out their hand to me and be willing to help me or just WANT to be there for ME, not for anyone else, but for me.To want to be there for me and try to understand me.

    But no ones there.. though I like to believe that one day there will be someone there. I’m on my own until that day comes.

  • miriam vega louissaint

    i read what depression means to you and everything seem to fit me.i think i have been cursed since my childhood up bringing and somehow it is affecting my life today.everything seems to fit what i’m feeling except for the eating.i like to eat and thats probably the time when i’m not thinking about the worries of my life.waking up seems hard when u know u have to face another day feeling this way.yes they’re days when i wish that i wasn’t alive but then i think of my children and how much they would suffer.when i get up in the morning my whole body hurts and even throughout the day.i trust no one.thats the truth about me and my husband cant help because he has his own depression.oh and i hate talking to friends or family.i rather just not talk.just think all day.thank u for excepting my post.

    • mother of two

      I have read some of the comments about depression and some resonate with me, regarding sleep, feeling hopeless most of the time, tiredness and crying too. I have to say that I eat excessively when I am bored and because I have no trust in my family I have no one I can really air my sh.t to. This drives me up the wall as talking helps me to understand a lot about myself. My upbringing has a lot to do with feelings of depression and although I am not depressed all the time I find that it comes after I help people. It feels like I take on their sh.t! I hate this! I get angry and say to myself that I will never help them again. But I end up back their helping them and getting hurt all over again. What the F..k! I am now drained to the point where my studies are suffering, naturally I am not a lazy person, however at this moment in time I am feeling lazy and worthless! I have an appointment to see a counselor so I am hoping that is going to revive me somehow.
      Thanks for this web site as I want to heal and gain positive outcomes in my life. Till next time. Mother of two.

  • Megan

    I am just beginning highschool and I know depression. Every day I wake up, and it just seems like I have no reason to get up and live my life. I used to love soccer, hiking, and other activities but now they are just bothersome to me.

    I hide my feelings inside all the time and at random times I break down crying and unable to get up and talk. My father calls me a drama queen when I break down since it seems I get mad at little things. I sometimes just go to my room and cry myself to sleep, but usually I go downstairs and go on my computer to try to disconnect from the world, but after awhile it catches up to me. I struggle most of the time and nobody knows what I go through. I fear telling my parents how I truly feel and I keep thinking for ways to escape my pain

  • Laura

    Hello,I’m about to be in the 11th grade & I think I am suffering from depression. Please don’t judge & think I’m obsessed but I was with a guy for almost two years, we broke up about a year & 10 months along the way but we still kissed hugged and acre as if we were a couple. On the day that would have been two years I got a message from him saying we couldn’t be friends because he had a Gf. I played it cool and thought I was fine. Yet I find myself really quiet and it’s been about Two months already. I love to sing and dance and work out. Yet now I find that none of that makes me happy. Nothing does. Ice cream was my thing and always made me smile no matter what(yes I’m serious). I sit in my room with music on an lay down in my bed or just sit on the floor with the door locked. I sit there and just think then I cry a lot. I was such a talkative and happy person and always cheery and smiling but now I find it incredibly hard to keep a Convo going. I sort of just stand there and say “yea” without any expression whatsoever. Then there’s the days I’m super hyper and loud but once I’m alone I cry so badly. I don’t tell anyone because it seems as if nobody can understand. It seems as if everyone will say just get over it. But not just the break up other than that Im pretty much over him. I see him and feel almost nothing. Then out of nowhere I feel the urge to cry and apologize for things I didn’t even do, I push my mom away and we used to be so close, I can’t stand my siblings not even my baby brother, and I hate when anyone comes into my room. I can’t stand bein with anyone other than 2 of my friends. I hate being with a lot
    Of people now I love to be outside walking around and just blasting music from
    My
    Earphones. But I feel so alone no matter where I am. And sometimes I just want to cut , even though I would never do it I feel the urge to do it. Then I cry even more because I wonder how could I even date think about cutting 🙁 I like to lay down with my eyes open staring at the wall and just let tears roll down my face down my neck onto
    My chest downy cheeks, on my lips. I just lay there motionless sometimes up to two hours awake just there. In my own world. An I keep having a dream I’m in the hospital with my ex and he won’t leave me alone and he comes back to be me and tells me he loves me. Which hurts so bad !! And I’ve been waking up at night sweating my faced all sticky and just wanting to jump into a pool or pour ice cold water on me which I’ve actually done. And it still feels like I’m trapped like I’m stuck. And then I feel like I have to just talk to
    Him (my ex) but I can’t! And for
    Some reason that frustrates me and it’s insane 🙁 this is the most horrible
    Sensation I’ve ever experienced…

  • Heidi

    I have definately felt 75% of those symptoms in one occurance. There is one thing i am unsure about: this past month and a half has been good. I have been far more smiley and happy than normal and instead of locking myself in my usual cacoon im the one who insists on goin places with my loved ones. But heres the recurring snag. Sometimes, whether its triggered or not, in my time of solitude or on days that feel lazy my persistent desire for my own death aches. I want it so bad but i cant do it. There is so much that stops me from doin it but when the need arises it shows me just how stuck I am. How i cannot live my life another 50 odd years with this intruder stuck on me. I just need to be gone -poof- but i am stuck.

  • Happy hills

    I feel like I’ve lost my self, everything I once was, everything I stood for, gone… I wish I knew how to get back but it feels with each day as a ship that has already sailed, slips farther and father away. I want to go back in time to that person i once was, someone who never gave up, and had everything. Now, I’m losing everything, and I’ve given up more then ever… I use to use what little time I had to accomplish things, but now I sit back and watch the pile of pain and misery grow to an outstanding amount… And it crushes me.. Honestly, like a 1 ton rock it lies on my chest making me immobile. I feel over whelmed, enclothed in a blind darkness with no way out. I need help… I. Need. Help. I finally said it, but to say it out loud is a whole different story

  • Oliver

    It drains you of all your life. IT took me two weeks off of medication to lose faith in life and all of the things that I claimed love for. I would lay there in my bed for hours staring vacantly at the hatespeech i scrawled on my wall with crayons playing the same angry song over and over. Most of all you hate yourself so much you are more than willing to murder yourself, and to hurt those around you by doing so…and it does seem that you are in a black hole from which no light can be retrieved…but it does come to an end. And it isn’t an easy journey, it takes a little help from doctors, a little love from your family and a lot of love from yourself. You must learn to love and value yourself, because you have a lifetime ahead of you inside that head of yours. Mose well make it a pleasant time.

    Never forget, there is someone out there whose life would be lesser without you ..

  • me

    I completely understand what every person is saying on here. I was always a really happy person but after my Nan died of cancer at 63 it has driven me over the edge. Every where I go I feel that darkness is engulfing me and whatever I do I don’t seem to do right. I hate myself and I hate everyone. I’m not happy and just question myself: what is the point in living? I’m sick of life and the people that are part of it. Nobody seems genuine or kind or anything. I always try and be a good person and do the right thing but I can’t be bothered anymore. If people don’t do it for me then why should I do it for them? I don’t know, I’m just so tired of everything.

  • Forrest

    It’s been going on for years. I never wanted to admit it to myself when I was younger; I thought everybody had days where nothing was joyful, everything was just a grey haze. Ever since I joined the military, it’s just gotten worse. I want help but I’m so afraid to find it. I don’t trust anyone to help me. They’ll all shout “Suicidal!” “Mentally Deficient!”. Suicide would be a relief… to simply sink into the nothingness and never worry again… to BE nothing would be heaven to me. I can’t stop being scared, anxious, sad, negative, hopeless, and empty. Sleep is the only relief. Only then am I closer to being nothing than ever before. I can just shut the door for a little while… then when the sun comes all I want is a pistol again. I’m too scared to ask for help. When they ask if I’m okay I’ll say yes and smile, but it’s just a mask. Why can’t they see past it? Why can’t they look into my eyes and see the pain that burns there? Why can’t they see…
    I just want it to end. I want the pain to go away. I just want it to end…

  • jason

    I’m lost and I can’t find myself. Every interaction i have is complex at this point.I lost love and the success I once enjoyed. I used to feel as though I was funny,handsome,and productive.I feel like I’m far removed from that person. I enjoy nothing as I once did. Music, movies, art, TV. I laugh at things, however afterwards I feel worse because those few seconds I forget about the loneliness and despair of the rest of the day. I know I need help but I’m too lazy to do something about it. Everything I had to offer is gone.

      • Tess

        I feel this way too. I’m 58, broke, can’t find a job w/a salary I can support myself, nearly homelessness, alone far from home, my family won’t take it seriously & I feel like they think I’m just complaining. They would never lend me money. I stopped trying to talk to them bec of the things they say. I’m terrified. The only reason to live are my 2 innocent pets. I wish I would have never moved here, now I’m stuck with no way home. I have no idea what to do & no money to do anything. I feel nothing for my life anymore. Don’t recognize myself in the mirror, I look ghastly. I want to sleep & dream forever.

  • Kylie

    I feel like there is a hole in me, I am always depressed. Sometimes I think I should kill myself but then I know I would never do sutch a thing to myself. I am always sad and crying for no reason, or I just get a lump in my throat and don’t shed a tear. I have a fear of spiders and spmetimes when I go to bed I feel like they are all over me. I always want to spend time with my family but it seems like they never have time for me. I know I am very young, I am 12. I know it’s weird for someone my age to get depresion. But my parents are getting divorced and my sister Brooke just moved to Kansas because she graduated collage. I just sent this comment in because I have no one else to talk to but god. (I know u probably won’t put this comment out for people to look at, but that’s ok)

  • Wendy

    I feel like an existence inside my body. I feel like my existence is in my head. Everything that say or see is from my head. from my head i can see everything that my body is doing. the body appears to be working right. My consciousness makes the decisions for the body, but the body just seems to do what i expect it to do. The body does not communicate back with me but i am in control of what does. I don’t feel like i need people I’m my life, i get nothing but feeling like they will cause me to have to do something that they could do very well on their own. I don’t feel that i love my Man but i wouldn’t want to be without him. Sometimes i wonder why i love my puppy and i catch myself in a seconds time acting like he’s just an animal, then he kisses me and he grounds me and makes me feel like a whole human instead of parts of a human that do tasks together. Very little gives me great joy. I am going through the motions of my life with very little happy moments. I don’t understand what the great meaning of life is. I see people around me doing the things that i used to love, and i just don’t care to engage in the activity. I have little patience in repeating my self and even less with others repeating theirself.

    • C

      Thank you for sharing ..I am very confused and embarassed at how I feel. you helped me understand Im not alone,I related to u on so levels which in fact allows me to get the help I need..this sucks, feeling so helpless, but I can’t live like this anymore…bless u! xo

  • nancy

    Does anyone look in the mirror and dont reconise yourself and feel so Tired all the time, and could sleep for 100 hours, yet still feel the same

    • Haley

      Why do I feel like I’m so small.. like everything is so big around me and I’m just a small little nothing…but I am 17 and i live with my boyfriend and i do the same with my animals… sometimes I feel like giving up only I would never do that because I fear to much of what would happen.. I’m so confused…

    • Veronica

      I’ve had depression for 3 years ongoing. My parents think I cry because I want I don’t want but it’s the only way to express the emotion of frustration with them. They think it’ll pass. I don’t think it will.

    • Dana

      Its in and out for me. But it always seems to come back to a very blank, very confused feeling that I don’t know what I’m doing it why.But I try to keep an optimistic outlook. I think all the time about suicide. But I am the keeper of 2 dogs. One I’ve had for over 5 years and he is the best thing this world has gifted me aside from life
      And he keeps me from doing anything permanent because who would care for him the way I do? And my family. I know it would hurt them, and I don’t want anybody to blame themselves.

      Sometimes you have to think about more than yourself. That’s what keeps my depression at bay. Some days I can’t laugh, can’t lighten up, everyone gets on more nerves, and sometimes I turn to drugs to dull themy feelings.

      • Dead Soon

        I know how you feel all too well, I have suffered from depression for a good part of my 42 year alive. I am no unemployed and stuck in a rut, where I have not left my room in three months. I no longer talk to friends or hang out, I spend my days sleeping and taking any drugs I can get a hold of just to feel normal. I am certain this will be my last year on earth, and have moments of exhiliration when I focus on my suicide, but my family brings me back. I love my mom and sister and adore my two nephews so much its hard to think what my death would do to them, but pretending all is fine only gets harder the more time roll on. I have never taken pleasure in life, life to me has always been painful and remarkabley absurd, I have never understood why so much emphasis is placed on it. I would love to not exist , to not feel, to not think or be. I have many fantasies of disappearing and never being found, so my family would not have to deal with my actions. I am a horrible son and brother, I bring nothing to the table, I never have, all I do is take, I am a parasite. I welcome and pray for death ever night. I just don’t think I was ever cut out to be alive to be a human.

  • Janet

    I have a lot to live for as I am soon becoming a grandmother. But, I have been feeling low, tearful, depressed and wanting to just give up for years. At the moment I am awaiting a knee operation as a result of a fall but I called them this morning and I don’t know when this op will be as they say they have a backlog but need to get back to work if anyone will employ me possibility of my husband’s redundancy and it seems like everything in my life has been bad nothing good happens to me. I am crying now, shaking and anxious.

  • Dominic

    I feel like being from another planet unable to talk with people because my brain goes too fast even for myself to understand evrerything in there i always feel a physical discomfort and it gives me insomnia i also always feel like ive got so much pain inside that if it would get out it could destroy the entire world i think about suicide about 2-3 times a day but never got the courage of ending my miserous, useless and so painful life.

  • S

    Everyone on here has my sympathy. I am going through a depressive phase that is particularly difficult. I don’t want to be anywhere. I don’t want to be home. I wish I would just get killed instantly in a crash or some other way. I guess the bright note is that I won’t kill myself.

  • Lonely Gurl

    I am 28. I have a 9 m.o son, a husband and a mum. My dad died when I was 6. Ive been depressed for the last 22 years of my life. No one told me and I had no idea why I cried so much. In school I got bullied all the time because we didnt have money. I always tried to blend it, to make people like me, to do as they please so I will have a freaking friend!! Now I am 28. Still no one to actually call my own. My husband does not understand, thinks it is a phase or post-natal depression. Im so trying of faking a smile. Im so tired of not knowing what I like or what I want to do in my life. I feel lost and I just want to run away. I donno where. I feel empty on the inside, so empty. Right now I can say I do not even love my son. My thoughts freeze me. I find myself searching for the same people that bullied me and try to get to acknowledge me. Why do I do that? Why do I need their approval for my life to matter? Does my life matter? Why was I born to do? Is there something for me out there? Sometimes I wish I was stupid and shallow so I wouldnt be thinking such things and little things would make me happy, like buying make-up or candies. But nothing does.

    Whats the point of it all?!

  • Bree

    I also forgot about something I always do. I’ve been thinking about my life so much I forgot to mention it, I worry so much about everything. I think and think and think, I practically drive myself insane. My friends always have to tell me to calm down and stop worrying. I have an unusual amount of anxiety, I have had 2 mild – medium panic attacks this month.

  • Bree

    I haven’t been diagnosed, so it’s not guaranteed that I am depressed but:

    Not all day, but a good amount of the day, I will feel like utter shit. I don’t want to be out, I just want to be at home, everything irritates me, I feel tired and droopy, the day seems so long, I don’t want to talk to people, I can’t make decisions, my responses are slow, I hate people for no reason and I feel like I’ll never make it out of school.

    At certain times of the day, I will feel hopeless, weak, like I can’t help people and I can’t make a difference, I hate everything about my life, I have the urge to cut myself or inflict pain on myself (I’ve never cut, but I’ve scratched myself) because I feel an urgent need of release,I want to escape everyone, I get overly dramatic, I literally feel like rolling into a ball and dying, and I feel regret about things.

    Sometimes it gets to the point where I just want to cry, and a scream and break things, but I can’t.

    I’m extremely irritable, pretty much all the time. My brother will make a stupid comment, like call me an immature name or tell me to go have a cry when I complain about stuff, and I will feel so mad I can feel it in my stomach, I just feel out of control and weak and it’s so bad I need to cry, but I never can.

    I’m tired pretty much all day. It’s so hard to get up in the morning, and I feel tired. I feel tired all day, and the light and wind makes my eyes sting.

    I still smile and laugh at things, I still have parts of the day where I feel happy, but it’s not a full happiness that I feel, like I’m happy with my life, or content with my situation, it’s temporary.

    I feel this is because of very bad things that have happened to me a few years ago, and the shit that my family is going through right now, as well as my lack of confidence, awkwardness in public, and unhappiness with my self and my body.

  • sg

    I’ve thought about dying for a very long time. Since iwas 10 ialways prayed for god to take my life. Ifeel I’m no use to anyone, god should have just taken my life to spare me from pain and suffering. Why do I live for?

  • kim

    i have battled depression since I was in my late teens. I constantly was aware of it and never did not try to get past it. I would make myself go to therapy. I would take medicine. I was very proud of how many times I could have folded and didn’t. No one knows how hard I fought. But as time went on two very important relationships kept hurting me. I survived those for years. I noticed a shut down of myself slowly happening and then I hit a wall for the first time and it is just feeling like I can’t reverse it. Everyone wants the old kim back. I just don’t get it that no one really gets it. How much can a person take. I fought for over 20 years and to no avail. I am tired and worn out and shut down. Now I am a failure, quitter and I am making my choice. I am so aggravated with that. I think that would be okay to say to someone that never tried instead of someone that fought their ass off all there adult hood.

  • Sarah

    The absolute worst is feeling dead; feeling as though you can’t make a difference or do anything for other people because you are radiating so much negativity. That was how I felt during my worst times. I truly believed that I could only cause harm to others and couldn’t do anything right. In my experience marijuana intensifies these feelings, probably because I can feel time being slowed even more so & I realize when everyone else around me is laughing & smiling how much my outlook & lifestyle takes a toll on me. On the other hand, it’s helped me to realize that my emotions are at times very irrational and keep me from myself, where I want to be. It’s brought out my fears & I know all I should do is face them if I want to get better. I know it’s just a problem that lies within myself. Depression is hard to get over completely, especially when you’ve thought a certain way for a long time because it’s become comfortable to be in that state of mind, feeling lifeless and numb and it’s hard to imagine yourself any other way.. But it can be done. That gives me hope.

  • Allie

    I’m Allie. I’m 21, and a bartender. Life is bleak… I’m in so much debt I feel like I’m drowning. I walk around like a zombie but I put on a smile everyday to try and make some money. I used to look around and see beauty in little things, and now all I see is a fantastical and overwhelming blur. I feel anxious constantly, I feel despondent, numb, detached even. All I can think about is crashing my car or drinking myself away from this world. I can’t even feel love anymore. What is life, then?

  • sophie

    i cant remember when was the last time i smiled or even socialised with anyone. I have so much hatred for myslf i loathe myself! eveytime i look in the mirror i feel sick to my stomach. i feel i am not worth anything or deserve anyones love..i feel pathetic and ashamed of myself eventhough, i have achieved so much i still feel like a lowlife. i constantly feel suicidal i just want to die and i have attempted to kill myslf on so many occasions but failed. i feel paranoid and cant connect with people on an emotional level i feel an urge to push people away from me because i feel that they are trying to hurt me and because of this i cant trust anyone, my friends and family..i feel that i have no control over my life or events that have taken place. i feel hopeless, alone, ashamed and suffocated! i always think that the world would be a better place without me. Most of the day i am thinking about death and how my funeral would take place im in a very dark place in my life right now..im trying to run from myself and my feelings but this world is consuming me. Depression is much more than feeling suicidal or feeling down

  • drea

    I remember the depression took over me. It was May 27, 2013. I have been a little depressed for years, but never to the point where i felt “numb” I lived my life in fear and always had anxiety. But on that day it all hit me at me. I felt empty…lonely….sad…confused…emotionally disconnected…tired….worthless. I asked myself how could people love me…I’m worthless. I feel out of it. I don’t even understand how I cry so much if I am numb to life. I described it to my boyfriend as feeling as though i don’t have any organs in my body. I wanna get better. I pray for it.

  • Sam

    I have felt the same way. I feel like I’m being pulled down by something. I used to be an A+ student, but now, I don’t even know what’s going on with me. I can’t focus, can’t make commitments, can’t laugh with my friends. It’s terrible.

  • Betty

    It’s not all bad for me. I mostly came here to see what it feels like, yet doubted that I had it. Still do.
    I just feel like a painful shade of grey sometimes, but other times it’s like everything amazes me. Lately, it’s been as if I want to escape this crappy world. Crying is one of the few things (if not the only) that makes me feel human, and living. My veiw on life feels bleak when I take time to notice, but there’s just a teardrop’s worth of ambition in the heart of me somewhere. I’m not really the kind of person that talks about their feelings, which is probably why I feel like this. I just don’t get it. Sometimes, I feel brilliant, smiling and alive, but then, even seconds later, I feel dark, and hopeless and… jittery, I suppose.
    It’s probably nothing. I’m probably not depressed, I’m actually more like a shittier, human version of Eeyore.

  • Nobody.

    Depression. It’s as if you’ve fallen through ice out in the middle of the woods. You neglected to tell anybody you were going into the woods, so nobody knows. Nobody knows you’re out there or where to find you. You’re just quietly drowning, unable to be saved or save yourself. The world completely unaware, oblivious to the pain you’re feeling, or the struggle you’re faced with. And it just frusterates you, that you’re trying to speak, it just never works. The harder you try, the more frustered you get, sending you plummetting toward the end. The worst part? Pretty soon depression turns into your friend, you become addicted to the feeling. You welcome it. As it takes over, a cancerous feeling, suicide flashed you a smile. Before you know it, you’ve smiled back and left. Suicide has won over it’s next victim, and taken them home.
    It never ends. It will never end.

  • n/a

    I feel the exact way as all of these comments above.. If you asked me what I thought about depression 5 months ago i would of said it just attention seeking and stupid.. up until I lost one of my bestfriends a few months back nothings been the same..I have so much love to give, but no one to give it to.. I just feel like I’m always stuck in the house, that everyone else is happy except for me.. I’m now feeling like I’m growig apart from my other friend and family members but this time i dont care.. maybe it would be easier on my own?

  • M

    I guess I started having almost all these symptoms at each point of my life. Its like an endless cycle.. Each time I tell myself This is not right I should be happy and I should think about all the others who are suffering for many other reasons or more bigger reasons unlike mine which is more on my mental side,I dont know why i feel so sad almost all the time.. I try to make jokes ,, make others laugh.. sometimes I get angry.. but then I think what is the use… There is no purpose and again I started feeling depressed..I havent been in touch with my friends only those I work with.and forcing myself to get in touch with my parents… Its like my body is numb and my feelings are either overflowing with pain of sadness or numbness and then me forcing myself to listen to music and trying to get over it… I feel Like I am going crazy but that noone can see.. I feel like running away but where? that is the question spinning around my head like an endless symphony

  • Jessica

    My depression is horrible, well right now im pregnant possibly 15 to 16 weeks and am suppose to be getting an abortion in the next couple weeks or so this is my third pregnancy. I sleep for 12 to 14 hours sometimes, I have had severe depression and anxiety for years that I barely ever come outside anymore I am not functionable like I use to be the way I appear to people is like im kind of slow which to me is embarassing and keeps me from wanting to be in the public because I get panic attacks and I breath hard when im in the public. I now make weird facial expressions which has been going on for some years I never use to be like this I use to be really confident and had a good amount of friends. Now I appear as though I am weird or slow to people my mental problems have gotten worse and now you can tell there is something wrong with me. I hate my life because of all this and I suffer from depression everyday that I can barely ever be around people. I just want to get help and I want to start feeling happy again, I hope I am one to survive to talk about my horrible experience and eventually when I do get the help I need I can feel happy again and be able to be with my children more.

  • kate

    depression is one of the wrost feelings in the world.i feel lonely lost n scared/i caant even make sense of how im feeling or how im meant to feel i dont even feel like a real person i feel like people r just looking threw me . i hear voices but im pretty sure its my own voice or mind talking to me about death and how im getting older quik i cant help but find myself pasting up n down the bedroom telling myself to shutup n go away 🙁
    thay keep telling me its gonna pass and i will be better but i dont thin theres any hope its now been 3/half years :'(

  • Kelsey

    You feel like you want forced pity from friends/family”hurry up and feel sorry for me!” A discretion to telling people that you’re depressed; confused and socially isolating. Angry at yourself all the time and cry at the thought of being lonely as the mind recalls every sad moment in your life or you try to come up with depressing thoughts of death to yourself and how life would react.it’s sad beyond description sometimes and finding a solution seems uninteresting to some.I put up with it all the time.

  • robin carter

    I cry ALOT. do not know why… I hurt ALOT…. I used to be a different person. I liked that person. Bad Things happened to me at work. I lost the person I was’ a little everyday until she was no longer there. I don’t like who I am now. I feel worthless, fat and sad, mad, hopeless. I do not trust people any more. even those close. I am either striking out with anger or crying for hours and hours. the only thing that has kept me from taking my own life is that I am Catholic, I do not want an eternity in hell. I feel everyone would be better off without me. Especially me. PLEASE GOD …HELP ME HOLD ON.

  • Vicky Rivera

    I was reading this article and is quite interesting because i have some of those feelings anger , I cry when I hear music and I get quite angry for no reason . I have a 84 year old Mon God bless her sole and it takes me two hours to get home from my job and since she’s alone she needs for me to listen to what she did the whole day, but I feel angry because she does’nt let me relax I guess is my falt for not telling to give me a brake i don’t want to hear hr feelings. I have a pain on my shoulder that’s killing but tomorrow is another day.

  • mellow

    I feel like I shouldn’t eat, and food is so gross that everytime I hear the word “food” I just wanna throwup.

    & I feel like I should just kill myself.

  • matt.t

    Christopher If you read this, I advise taking medical medicine to help, You can get low doses and there are plenty out there that are not addictive at all, the ones I take I even forget to sometimes. They help your brain transmute signals that are majorly lacking when depressed. Like a Highway but with all but one lane blocked, the traffic won’t or takes a long time to get through. The meds help rebuild these so you have the chance to at least receive them again.

  • matt.t

    I agree with all of the above posts, and you all have explained depression well,Depression and the decisions while i was depressed have ruined my life. I had a great life with a great partner and friends/family, as depression sunk in so did all the feelings and thoughts, My girlfriend and friends irritated me so much, and I could not explain why to myself. The love of my life moved overseas and we were planning to live together there, I was to follow shortly after. I got more and more down, feeling like nothing was worth anything, any time I put into anything was a waste, who am I? just another 1 of billions of people swarming the earth, life seems so…pointless and routine, nothing excites me anymore and I get no joy from the things I used to love 🙁 its horrible. I started to abuse alcohol badly drinking more and more until nearly every day when I was drunk depression had no space or existence in my brain/life I was “happy” for that period of time, I could enjoy things again, talk to people. I went over to see my partner for a weekend, Got way way to drunk and shouted at her and had a mental break down, she was scared and had never seen that side of me, I came back home and it’s just been getting worse and worse, She sent me an email saying shes leaving me, I got more depressed abused alcohol even more, then I pushed away all my friends one by one, and shut myself off from the world. Now a year later I have heavy clinical depression, Its a never ending cycle, For me to break and beat the depression I need the support of a loving partner and/or close friends…I have none of those things and being depressed all I want to do is sleep 247. Socialising is near impossible Ive been isolated so long I don’t know how…or where. So I stay sad, down, feeling worthless, life has no meaning. I look back on my old life and the happy times I had with my ex partner and just kick myself for losing it, I’d give anything to go back…just to see her again…Support from family is OK but I need more even just ONE friend,Just to hang out with one friend once a week, to go out of the house with someone not family..anything anyone…and its impossible, I’m on antidepressants but I feel so sad, worthless and helpless all the time. I see couples out in public and my chest seems to get crushed, I feel like crying, I see friends having a good time and I die a little inside each time. Everything hurts. I live an empty life…I spend 98% of my time alone…so lonely it hurts, Its just me my bed and my computer….I don’t know if I can last much longer…14 months of this torture is enough, they say It will end but every step forward I seem to go 3 back…

  • Lo

    Ok so I have read all of this… It’s all exactly how I feel and reading all of it just made me feel even worse because now I now that its depression au want an answer as to what to do… I have built my life and ruined 3 times in the last three years because I just can’t hold down a job because its all just so frustrating so instead of making people who are depressed more depressed can you plEase tell me what I can do? People always tell me just be positive think about the people in Africa… And I puts not that I don’t realise there worse of then me … I know they are but it doesn’t help the fact that I just cannot seem to handle the pressure … I’m a very hard working person really and I don’t know why I feel the way I do all I want is to be happy again and social able and to be able to explain people a problem and actually make myself clear..now people just don’t get what I’m saying and I know it’s because I cannot express myself so I try to talk to myself in my head first and it sounds alright but when I get it out it comes out all wrong… I broke up with my boyfriend because I though he was the reason I. Not happy and I’m still not happy now…. It’s better now because I’m free…. But I’m not really free all I do is work 24/7 and when I don’t work I just cannot be bothered to get up out of bed…. I hate to get up in the morning…I used to have such long days get up early work out go to work come home get ready go out and only sleep about 4-6 hours a night and I used to have the time of my life no I. In bed like 12 hours a day … Not sleeping coz I can’t but I’m just too exhausted to do anything else… I really don’t want to off myself because my mum is ill enough and it would just kill her and even though and all my ram would blame me of course and the. I have this sister who’s is just making me feel worse and worse everyday even more useless than I already think I am …. I just can’t stand please just help me out ;((

  • Rem

    When I was little I thought I was holding all the pain people were experiencing. I thought this was the world crying out inside of me. But for some reason I never really told anyone. As I grew up and hormones seemed to rage and possess me and my friends; suicidal thoughts trickled out. I had friends who confessed thoughts of suicide, and I tried to support them as much as I could; because I loved them. But I was also dealing with my own experiences of suicidal thoughts and ideation. There was a point where I’d self-suffocate myself because it felt good to feel ‘nothing’, and I didn’t for a few seconds, until it all came back and hit me like a ton of bricks (it was never worth it). This depression and suicide definitely came in cycles. There were days where I didn’t even think about it, and then there were several days where I couldn’t help but be sad. I couldn’t help but feel suffocated in my own emotions; and crying was all that I could do. I never told anyone, because I was afraid they would take me away. Or that they would think I was weak, because these feelings weren’t obviously affecting everyone else – so why was it so hard to battle my own emotions? I felt thin and without substance, I wasn’t sure who I was anymore; just this person.

    I have been so fortunate in life to have a loving and supporting family too. I KNOW that they love me, they care for me, but the emotions don’t listen ‘to me’. And sometimes, I do believe them; perhaps more often than I want to admit. I’ve also struggled with self-worth questions, barraging myself with negative thoughts; you’re not pretty, you’ll never be beautiful, you’re so quiet, so boring, you have no confidence. And sometimes I can’t help but feel trapped in a world that places so many unrealistic expectations that I’d rather disappear instead.

    Recently I’ve been feeling really depressed; like it’s another bout, a cycle. I don’t want to get up from my bed, I don’t want to go out of my house, or talk to people. When my phone rings I want to stay away from it, I want to curl up in a ball and hibernate forever.

    After all these years I’m going to force myself to see someone for the first time. At least from my experience, being alone is scary, the sadness has always found a way to collect and build until I don’t know what to expect anymore. I hear myself wanting to die, just let me die. There has to be more to this, isn’t there?

    I don’t want to be ashamed for what I’m feeling either, because it’s the truth to me. This is how I’m feeling, and I don’t ‘want’ to feel like I should die, or wish that someone would just kill me. I don’t want this negativity breaking me down, and yet it’s there, right in my face and everywhere. I want to feel alive, confident, motivated.

  • Ike

    I use to think that I was psychic sometimes and that I could see into others’ lives through others’ eyes. I oftentimes still do. But I often see it as a lie, an illusion like much of this life and things connected to it, alongside this earth full of greed, hatred and absence of further sympathy from me. I use to think I could change it. I still want to, but it’s too far gone in my mind, and the only tool of my use is music,and what good is music gonna do? I’ve recently come to find that I’m no good at that either. Without music, I see no purpose in my life, other than jasmine, but I never say anything and always make it awkward with us, and I’m almost certain she thinks nothing more of me than a friend, if not less than that. Before i just wanted to go to sleep and not wake up, now it’s like “please just kill me now, let me blow up or something, let me try again in another life, just not this…” Most of the description in this article suits me. And to think that just two years ago I was allergic to the words “depression” and “suicide”. It’s amazing how quickly things can escalate. I often like pretending that I’m gonna get over this, but it always comes back, stronger each time.

  • Ike

    I wrote the previous wrong… The mere thought of it worsens it… It’s more like all of it is there yet I’m somehow feeling joy… Yet all the while being slaughtered by guilt and anxious paranoia… Fuck… I’ll shut up now, before I mispronounce this further…

  • Ike

    Well. It’s like I’ve got this paradoxical state of being. Half of me is everything but depressed, whilst sustaining the internal stress, anxiety, and panic it brings. I often keel over in some sort of excessive guilt or anguish connected with certain thoughts (mainly of my love, often of my future or mistakes [mistakes mostly pertaining to her]). The thing is, she’s already gone through this, and attempted suicide just last year. Always makes me feel like a sort of wounded puppy, with my seemingly perfect life, loving family & friends (the few that’ve come to me) and now every time I even mention depression anywhere the guilt accumulates. It kind of feels like… I just want to blow up. Just… Explode spontaneously. It’s always been hard for me to concentrate but now it’s like “fuck, kill me now”. Well, the times that I’m not inspired.

  • david

    i have suffered from depression all my life, one day though i know i will be well, everybody please see your doctor and keep hoping!!!!!

  • Been there (and still pushing)

    Gosh, depression and I go way back. xD Maybe a little under nine years ago was when I first remember the feeling of intense depression. I was about 11 then. My parents were thinking of divorcing, with my dad telling me that it was my fault. My brother had held a BB gun to my face and told me that he wished I wasn’t born. I was failing fourth grade and hated that I could not motivate myself to work. I was friends with some of the smartest, most self-motivated kids in my class who were basically perfect in every way, and all I could feel was inferior. That was when I finally broke. I can’t remember a lot from those years. They’re kind of locked in the back of my memories, like my head does it so I can’t feel the pain. I had tried committing suicide, but couldn’t bring myself to do it. I asked my mom if she could do it for me, and she laughed it off like I was kidding. I had almost chased some of my friends away because I just felt so depressed and was finally expressing that to them. I hated my life. I wanted nothing more than to end it. That basically went on for another three or four years. Sixth grade was just as bad, with awful, debilitating teachers who treated me awfully and people who made fun of me. I mean, I had good times in those years, too, don’t get me wrong, but I struggled with my depression so much. I barely got by with Cs and Bs, even though I know I’m intelligent. I know (well, now) that I’m just as intelligent as kids in the top of my class. But how could I tell back then? I got mediocre grades and struggled to maintain passing grades in my classes.

    I weaseled my way out of depression in 8th and 9th grade with the help of those same friends I had in fourth grade. I would never have been able to do it without them. I still struggle with depression, but I’m in a much better place in my life. I have been admitted into an honors college with nearly full tuition covered because of my own achievement, finished my last quarter with As and Bs, and have obtained numerous awards for various things.

    So guys, it gets better, as long as you’re willing to work through it. Surround yourself with people you can be proud of and people who can help you. I never told my friends about what I went through until afterward. But they still helped me by just being sweet and loving people. Life can always get better. Suicide is never an option. Survive. Persevere. Weather the storm and bask in the sun.

  • Asif lashari

    There are always endless thoughts in my mind ..I am planning about tomorrow while i am sleeping ,, i cant stop my self from thinking that i will talk to some one tomorrow ..Or i think about my favourite political party (ppp) ,,there are endless thoughts about my party and i cant sleep ..I say to my self that now i am going to sleep ,,no more thoughts ..i try to control on my thoughts but afte one or two hour i then came out of thoughts and then try to stop thinking and to sleep ..help me and tell me somithing ..

  • Alexandra R.

    I never really thought I had depression, I thought I was just sad. But than I realized how often I get sad, cry, worry about my family, myself, I think of death, I wonder what the meaning of life is because I don’t enjoy it. I’ve had therapy, i’ve been to halifax, i’ve cut myself. I’ve wanted to die, but i’m scared. I’m so tired of being depressed, because the aniexty i’ve gotten from it is so bad. I don’t think anybody would understand me, because I fucking can’t stand when people give me the same advice for everything. Like HOW am i supposed to forget things and move on. How am I supposed to be happy with myself, when i’ve been nothing but miserable. I hate everyone and everything. And yet, that sounds so right.

  • Jane

    All the above statements is about me, i feel the same way like what is written above,i feel terible, i am undergoing this since childhood, its gone to a limit that i feel jealous and irritated if somebody is happy before me , want to shout at them and cut their smile off , iam always the neglected one for the whole of my life , people doesnt need me, nobody cares about me, even my family are irritating me, everything makes me tired , i cant be happy at all, i ve got the fear for happiness, even if somebody comes near me i get on my nerves, i feel that every thing is fake, this life, my mother, brother, my friends even me imyself feel that iam fake , i have so many things to do, but still my body is not coopearating with me , i just want to run out of my life , somebody HELP

  • pacman

    I have been suffering depression on and off since 2009, its been intense since July last year. I’m married with 4 kids and I don’t really enjoy myself around them. Deep down I love my kids but just don’t want to be around them. I have began isolating myself from my friends and family and I effectively exist not live.

    I don’t gave much options, my kids are young and need parenting, wife is unemployed and I have a huge mortgage to pay off.

    I feel trapped. Sleep or alchahol is my only respite.

    I put on a happy face for everyone else but inside I’m hurting big time.

    this is a terrible condition and I wouldn’t wish this upon anyone else, event to my worst enemies

  • susan

    I don’t know what is wrong with me. For the last 6 or 7 mnths I have been feeling like I am dumb. I am not functioning anymore. I look stupid at work because people tell me things and then I forget and stuff up. I am sure they are all laughing at me behind my back. I feel detached from everyone even my husband. I hate his family and mine. I feel like people are untrustworthy and selfish and they will walk all over me. I don’t want to feel like this anymore I need help. What do I do to get help?

  • nicole

    Depression feels like you are stuck in a glass box, helpless, and everyone around you is moving forward, and looking at you, but nobody wants to help you out, they’d rather watch you scream.

  • Sandra

    I feel so alone all the time even though I have my husband & family. Can never see a time when I will feel like me again. I just feel empty & scared, I wish I could just go to sleep & never wake up again.

  • Natalie

    It’s been 3 months now. I’ve been here before, never ever wanted to be here again. It’s scary and lonely and time is at a standstill. I want to do so many things but I almost always end up doing nothing. And if I catch myself smiling or laughing I feel guilty for I’ve lied to myself. I feel pointless and useless and my life has no meaning. Can’t find my reason. Feel like I have lost myself. Physically I’m tired I go through bouts of ravenous appetite to none whatsoever. Felt lost. I want to be happy again. Was so happy but I wonder was happy real? Or is sad real? Maybe I’m just meant to be sad?

  • savannah

    I feel like I can’t really connect with myself, and much less other people. Like some days, I’m so good at feeling good and not awkward around people, but other days I feel so freaking off and I feel so stupid after anything I say. Nothing is exciting. I literally fake almost all of my emotions just because it’s appropriate to society. I forget everything & I get frustrated so easily with everyone around me. It comes and goes though. Like, some days I feel fine and I cling to those days cause I wish they were everyday. I think about killing myself sometimes just because of the struggle with it and how I just want to feel normal and idk if I can or even if I want to continue to try.

  • marissa

    I don’t really want to “leave” but, I wake up feeling anxious and tired all the time…I’m in 7th grade, just turned 13 so teenage hormones are starting which makes matters worse. I always feel like people are looking at me judging me. Always thinking negatively about school, life everything basically. Ive tried suicide Twice but after last time ive learned and I advise people with depression to talk to somebody that u like because it helps. Anyways yea I have depression and it sucks a lot..and I don’t think it will ever really.. away

  • Alana

    I want to add to my previous comment.. I have tried meds. Expensive. I felt different on them Zoloft Abilify and another one I forget the name now. Didn’t feel like me. Less sad yes.. but how could I live as if I was someone else. But then being me can be unbearable sometimes. Maybe I will go back to them. I have so little energy. Can never make a therapy appointment when I already struggle making it to work and school. There are moments I know I’m supposed to be happy but I do not feel it inside. I feel like I’m observing myself smile and react appropriately. People don’t want you to dump your negativity on them maybe the first few times is ok.. Mostly it is a very lonely illness.

  • Alana

    I’m not sure if this site still updates but I want to thank you for this. I relate with most everything.. I suffer from PMDD and low grade depression the rest of the time. The world does feel gray when I’m in this mood.. everything around me feels indifferent and uncaring. I feel alone and hopeless. Waiting for it to pass like it always does but sometimes I also wonder what’s the point.. to live for the light happiness in between.. doesn’t seem enough. Life circumstances considered I am lucky but the depression come from within. Biological.. stops me holds me prisoner from achieving my goals.. maybe one day I will get rid of it somehow. I don’t want to leave my dog so I will stay here and wait it out.

  • Too long

    It’s the runnining around in circles trying to capture a single thought. I feel doom, anxiety and fear really bad in the morning. Sometimes my hands shake for no reason. Sometimes in the mornings typical breakdown session, I get so worked up I vomit. It’s caused me to lose a couple of jobs, sometimes I just can’t see the point or purpose or even resent work. I think that everyone is out to get me. I am an edge and jumpy all the time. I get into serious painfully emotional thought loops and I can’t get out. I have no close relationships and don’t believe what anyone says. I over react way to much, I can’t be rational sometimes either. I lash out and then feel guilty for doing so because I know how I am and I say some hurtful things at times. I try to maintain and be aware of when it is coming back. It’s (depression) is like a demon that burns every bridge that you build and you know it’s going to take you down! I feel like nobody understand me and I am so extremely lonely. So very very very lonely. So what makes all this stop? Nothing, really. I will ruin the solution some how. So how I know when I’m sick is I binge drink. I have to shut up those thoughts but typically come home and then the loneliness slaps me in the face. All I want to to be loved and protected. I am actually attractive but I am mentally sick and who the hell wants to put up with that? So, I close down a little more…..

  • cora

    I feel unhappy with my lover, ive been with him for 6 years and been fighting depression about 4 years now. Im very sensitive if anyone says anything wrong to me i cry. I feel like my cat dont love me anymore i know it sounds crazy. I deal with anxiety to. I always fear the worst, nothing ever satisfys me. I hardly ever get sleep, even if i lay there but it is hard to want to get out of bed. Id rather be up at night to. This feeling is hard to deal with

  • SHERI

    Unbelievable sadness and loneliness even when in room full of people. You just want it to end and not to feel anymore.

  • Steven Johnson

    Being depressed is like having violent mood swings.I have days where I feel normal, so rare that I can count them on one hand. The other days, an indescribable feeling of despair and anguish. I feel absolutely worthless, absolutely unloved. I feel like the odd one all the time. I have no personality, no hobbies, no anything. I see others basque within confidence and enjoy themselves amongst others, but instead I suffer from severe social anxiety. I am meant to be alone, meant to have no friends. Suicidal ideation is rife within my thoughts. I’ve thought about every single method, but am scared that I’ll fail.

  • David Bowyer

    It feels like everyone is happy except you. You have problems and you don’t know what to do anymore. It seems like whatever you do, it is still not enough. You are scared to let other people know about your condition and the things happening in your life. You don’t want others to feel any pity towards you so you act like everything is okay. It is hard to feel good and happy because deep inside, you are weak and your mind is clouded by all the secrets and problems you keep only to yourself.

  • Christopher

    I hate being depressed. I feel helpless, useless and sad to the point of expecting people to laugh at me and say things like, “oh get over it you loser”. I try to rationalize the sadness but it feels heavy. I hate myself for being despondent and end up caught in a vicious cycle. I go through the motions of my life but there’s little or no joy, moments of respite yes which are nice but I don’t look forward to days, I just think, get through this day and perhaps it’ll get better over time. It’s been like this for years and I’ve tried lots of different things to beat it. I have self help books to beat the band but I’ve always shied away from medications as I just have a deep suspicion of becoming dependent on them. I was recently prescribed Klonipin for anxiety and the doctor never told me how addictive it was so I decided to stop taking them. Now that the anxiety has shifted to depression I’m willing to explore the medical option again but very warily. When I was younger, although my moods were all over the place, I was truly in love with life. I miss that feeling. I live alone, I’m not married and I have no children. Having no children is something I deeply regret and at my age of 51, it’s highly unlikely I ever will have. I love kids and I know that not having a child is a source of much of my depression.

  • jared

    why am i like this i discovered i was deppresed at age 10 but never took action and now i feel even worse and its getting worse. help me

  • Nina

    I feel like no one truly cares. I feel alone and hopeless. And just when I start to feel okay someone does or says something that tears me apart on the inside. At that moment, I picture myself running and running without ever stopping, away from everyone else. Far from the world who doesn’t understand.

    I isolate myself from people and tell them I’m okay when they finally notice I’m not the same anymore.
    My boyfriend says he doesn’t see that sparkle in my eyes anymore. It breaks my heart even more. He tries to be there for me but doesn’t seem enough. When he hugs me, I don’t feel his warmth anymore. I’m not sure if I still want to be with him. I know he’d like to help and some others friends would too, but I’m too scared. I don’t know of what. Maybe I’m just scared of taking off the mask of little miss perfect.

    It’s even harder to recognize why I am depressed because I have hypothyroidism and sometimes I forget to take my medication and are not sure if I’m feeling this way because of it. Plus, I take an acne treatment that has depression as a side effect. I sometimes try to calm myself down and just tell myself that these feelings are juat the result of my illnesses, but at that second, I know I’m lying.

  • Anita

    I feel like I am in a hole, a dark unhappy hole. I feel that my life has just been a series of bad choices, mistakes and failures. I feel like I have failed at life. I am nothing, a worthless nothing and my life is meaningless. I can function, I can do things, I can put on a brave face and I can see my friends, but inside I feel like I am not really there with them, and whilst they sit and chat and laugh, theirs is genuine, whereas mine is not. And then I have had enough of them, and I want to get away from them and sit and brood in isolation and sadness. I feel like I dont actually deserve to be happy, and my mind punishes me all the time, unhappy memories and dark thoughts creep into my mind and I relive unhappy memories and bad times over and over again. My mind wont allow me to be happy, wont allow me to think positive, wont allow happy memories and happy times to come back, but then again on the rare occasion memories of happy times do creep in, but instead of making me feel happy, they make me feel said. And I am envious of people who are happy, envious of people whose laughter and smiles are genuine. And I really dont like myself.

  • leah

    when depression hit me it hit real hard. all i wish for is death and i am struggling to stay alive. i have to try so hard to get up in the mornings. i know that the day that follows is only going to bring more pain and suffering. i hate it so much. im failing at school and have gained an attitude where ii just dont care. i find that i will randomly burst out crying for no reason. i feel as though everyone hates me and i am completely alone. i feel as though no one cares. i feel like i am pathetic. ive suffered since the age of 13 and am now 16. how is it possible for someone so young to feel so awful. i feel dead and empty inside.i cant cope with all of it. i have planned out my suicide. planned every little detail and its only a matter of time before i put thoughts into actions. im trying so hard but its becoming too much. im on medication but now it feels as though its not working. i see a few councellors regularly but its just not helping. im pretty much dead already

  • Cruzita

    I dont know what to do anymore, no matter how much I sleep I’m always tired. It feels like everybody hates me including my family. I feel like I’m slowly driving myself insane and theres nothing I can do to stop it. I would give anything to stop feeling this way

  • craig

    I realise I’m late here, but reading this page and its comments has mildly helped me tonight so I feel I should try to add something.

    For me, depression feels like a shattered mind, fragmented into small non-funtional pieces, unable to be fit together in a way that makes me whole again.

    Feeling worthless, less than worthless, a drain on friends, family, work, the world.

    Pressure to keep going, as though if I don’t, I’m just another one of the horrible people who don’t care about those who would mourn me.

    Anger at myself for not being better, or at least good enough to take myself away from the world and stop draining the happiness and resources from those around me.

    Lethargy, what’s the point in trying to be better, in trying to fix myself, in trying even to end it, when none of my attempts have even nearly worked.

    Interaction feels like I am wearing a mask, I choose my mask instinctively – here’s my friend mask, my work mask, my family mask – to suit the occasion, hiding my pain as best I can so as not to darken the lives of those around me more than I do anyway by accident.

    One thing I don’t hear about which makes me feel isolated is the feeling of having no reason for feeling so bad, for seeing all the people worse off and not being able to feel any better even though I see how good I have it.

  • miss p

    It feels like in already dead inside,I don’t feel like a person should feel.
    I feel as if life would be perfect with me out of the picture.
    I always think of death,u ask and do research about killing yourself.
    Because in a teen,I know life is not always in the right track,but my mom hates my guts,in fact everyone except my dad he us the only one who loves me. Every time I think of my last words,it will be I hate you,you stupid bitch,to my mom. To my dad,dad you will always be my heart I love you lots.
    I feel worth less in always in my room listening to music. I need a shoulder to cry on, you can email me on setlhabipabalelo@gmail.com

  • ann

    when you stop comfort eating and there’s no joy in food anymore, when you feel your capable of murder but you cant raise an arm,when you get passted all the paronoide toughts that the world is out to hurt you and you want a deep sleep that everlasting,when your body stops working even to the exstent that you dont feel the depressive flu symptoms anymore.i dont care to much about cloths or money ,am i an alien i tink?i cannot relate no more, i dont pitty me, i just dont want to wake up is that to much to handle. i tried everything,faked it i didnt make it, religions and vitiams,smoking is a core i hate myself

  • Marie

    If it were not for my mom and my two babies, my who is three and daughter who is one I would have commited suicide. Almost everyday feels like a mental and sometimes physical battle for me.
    I struggle to get up every morning but I do because of my kids.
    I’m a stay at home mom and I have my kids 24/7. Most days I’m dragging myself to take care of them and do stuff with them. I lock myself in the closet and scream and cry a lot. Something hurts so much and I don’t know what. Im always very irritated.
    I binge eat and drink. Getting out of it and fall back into it. I feel like I’m constantly in a fog. I have this weird feeling that makes me want to throw up. I’m all anxious and fearful, its debilitating sometimes. I constant worry about being well enough to take care of my kids. Anytime I feel like I can’t take it no more and constantly think about suicide. I find myself continuously asking God for forgiveness and begging him to help me. I’m always unable to articulate when I speak which causes my husband not to listen to me. I
    My husband isn’t the most understanding and is quite the critique. I feel a lot of hate towards him. I’m so lonely in this battle. I have no one but God to turn or talk to about this. My mom is in another country and can’t really be here for me. I want to run but there’s not no where to run. I want to scream but there’s no one to hear me. I’m drowning and there’s no one to save me. It feels like being trapped in your mind that feels some what disabling where the world goes by and you’re standing still unable to move.

  • Sarah

    I know what it’s like to feel empty and alone, but not like others have described on this page… But I do know what it’s like to see someone like this, depressed I mean, to look into someone you love’s eyes and see nothing but emptiness. Emptiness, and sadness, and nothing. I know what it’s like to see someone change before your eyes, almost like a chameleon. From vibrant greens and yellows, to dark blues and black. It’s kind of scary. And I want to help but I don’t know how, it’s like learning to play the guitar; as soon as you go to your first lesson you wish you could leave playing like Jimmy Page but you learn that you have to go one chord at time and the first song you’ll learn how to play is “Marry Had A Little Lamb”. I just wish I could understand better and do more, it breaks my heart to see him like this. And it breaks my heart to know there are so many people that feel the same way. I don’t know what I’m trying to get at or why I’m writing this… But my heart goes out to everyone and anyone that has depression or knows someone who has depression.

  • DagnyT

    Depression is like your soul has died and all that is still alive is the body. You wonder how and why the body should keep walking around in the world pretending to be normal and okay. You think that maybe the body should just go ahead and die too, it’s only causing you more pain.
    My depression is at its worst in the mornings (that’s not technical morning because I often sleep til afternoon. I just don’t want to face the day.) I wake up with a groggy hungover feeling and pressure in my head – a sort of brain fog. It takes hours to “wake up” and get off the couch. Finally after 4-6 hours I can open my eyes and move around. I have a few hours at night where I feel almost human but then it’s time to go back to bed and the whole cycle starts over.
    I resorted to prescription stimulants to treat my depression. They help but I am addicted now. I wonder if it even matters. Will I live long enough to have to deal with the consequences? They wear off and I feel worse than before. But I get a good day a couple of times a week. I sold my soul for those couple of days a week. It was the only thing my doctor offered when I told him how I was feeling. Like I weighed a thousand pounds and my limbs are too heavy to move. I sleep 15 hours sometimes and then am still sleepy and exhausted all day. I don’t remember what it feels like to have motivation that isn’t from a pill. I don’t remember what it feels like to look forward to anything that isn’t a pill, except for going back to sleep-to escape.

  • Pat

    Thank you. It’s easier to accept the pain when you know that others suffer with you. But why should any of us have to feel this? I’ve gone round and round with it my entire life, since I was just a few years old- occasionally feeling like I had kicked it, but realizing shortly thereafter that it was still there, biding its time, waiting and knowing that it would still rule… Is being born a blessing or curse- that is my question and would it be so awful to just “opt out” when living is such a chore.

  • Jen

    Yes, I have every one of the symptoms you list above. For years, but much worse lately. I cannot cope with any stress. Sometimes I think I’m okay – then someone will make a remark and I’m suddenly shaking, angry, tearful, my head hurting so much with tension it feels like it’s going to fall off. And I’m JEALOUS – jealous of people who aren’t going through this. And then I feel guilty and horrible for being jealous, because you don’t know what problems people are hiding behind their smiles.

  • Tomas

    Indifference, that’s my name. Emptiness, that’s my fate.
    Just waiting for Death to come. Too tired or too big a coward to hasten it’s liberating punch.
    All is so soooooo VAIN.

    Since I have realized, I could never learn, why we do live, I ceased living.

  • Jon

    Depression in my opinion at that time,was just something that hits you like a brick wall.And in turn,you get help for it,the end.Sh*t was I wrong.
    In reality,depression almost became a part of not just my life,but my whole body as well.All that time I was living in this state of mind,I was totally nieve.It was there,right in front of my eyes for years.As if my perception was being blinded.I thought what I was going through was just part of life,the norm.There is no brick wall,no sign that says”hey,you need help.” It took me so long to figure out this problem.Definitly the most challenging process Ive ever come to face.This is coming from a boxer who spars from time to time.In the ring,im nervous.But in my mind,the word “frightened” is only an understatement.
    Im only 24 years old,and yet the simple joys and pleasures in life I see everyone else my age soaking up,doesn’t come to me quite as easy.When I see people conversating,laughing,making jokes,enjoying others company,I simpy see it as a challenge.Anytime I approach someone I fear for the most.Always asking myself”what will they think of me?,will they talk me down when I exit the conversation?,do they think I’m wierd?”I feel my heart pounding out of my chest,when I smile,my I feel like my face muscles are frozen.I can’t express my reactions naturally like I use to.More like I’m forcing a smile.
    My only advice for anyone else out there,”dont exuse the fact that depression can happen to you.”And if you can do this,admitt the fact that it actually has happened to you.” I promise you life will get much easier and progressivly more positive.It also helps greatly to have someone to tell this to.Despite how hard that may be like it was for me,it will turn your life around in a way not even words can describe.Everyone has interests.Whats yours?Dont know? Dont worry it will find you.Boxing has helped me not only to be more social but also more confident in myself.Exersizing my mind,my muscles,and my soul was the best decision Ive ever made.I feel like I can finally channel this negative feeling into a positive.Ive conquered most of my fears,and now enjoy a euphoric moment from time to time.I also love to run 5 miles 3 times a week?I know right? I now use running to clear my mind instead of “dope.”

  • Stephanie white

    This has been going on for 2 years now,it feels like there is so much I need to accomplish every day from small tasks to large tasks yet,I have no energy to complete even one.I have disassociated myself from friends and family as well as any potential romantic relationships.people in general scare me as I feel they bring nothing but pain.I was always told I was beautiful yet I hate myself and the way I look.I was married to a charming but verbally and sometimes physically abusive man for 7 years,about 3 years ago I gained the courage to leave the marriage with my two children despite the fact that my family was against me doing so( my father is also extremely verbally abusive and my mother just emotionally absent as she has been damaged by my fathers abuse for years.I showed up at their house 3 years ago 4th of July with a black eye asking for their help and support in leaving my marriage,their response was “you are stupid to even consider it you will ruin your life go back home to your husband” angry and ashamed i did just that.My daughter was 3 years old at the time,it was two days later when my husband once agin started his anger feat and emotional abuse over something so silly I don’t even recall.my 3 year old grabbed my hand and said” mommy come sleep in my room I won’t let daddy make u dead” it was after I heard those words that I grabbed her ,her brother,some clothes and walked out of my house forever. I got us settled in a new house ,I started a new job and felt good about myself,my strength to do what was right everything was fine untill a year later when I woke up one day and all ambition,strength,and will were gone.I don’t know how to break free from my depression,I don’t even know why it began.I want my life back but just don’t have the energy to get it back.

  • Lauren

    Depression for me came in stages, months at a time. It felt like nothing mattered. I stopped caring. My smile seem to fade with my interests. I started losing touch with my senses and emotions. I was numb. I couldn’t feel anything except sometimes pain and sorrow. I didn’t fear anything anymore. I just didn’t care. I could lay on a road and I wouldn’t care if I got hit or not. On the ledge of buildings and towering objects, I wasn’t scared of falling even while considering the worst. I didn’t care and I was numb. It was like a dream. It wasn’t even like me. I wasn’t myself it often seemed. I felt as if my mind and body were separate. My mind was stuck in the clouds of thoughts and my feet were shuffling around lifelessly like a zombie.

  • Hannah

    I’m starting to experience this and I don’t want to talk to anyone that I really know about this.. I’m always sad and crying for no reason and I’m NEVER happy anymore I don’t want my life to end but I also feel like I don’t want it to continue either! I want to disappear and be alone! I am always so mean and that makes me even more upset but I just can’t stand anything anymore and I feel like I’m worthless at times! It’s getting a little better though not really but I have someone to talk to now.. So I’m Hoping everything will go back to normal but I’m not sure it ever will?

  • harriet

    Hi I’m 10 and me and Tom Charles other are maybe gonna start dating I really love him he said he would go out with me but somehow I feel depressed I can hardly eat without feeling Ill and I don’t know why? Help me!

  • robert l s.

    some of these comments hit close to home but i feel a bit different i dont want to do anything, when i stop to think to myself what am i going to do today, i draw a blank or i think of something i cannot afford or cannot reach at night my mind goes crazy it shows me all the bad things that “could” happen if i have a fire in the furnace i cannot sleep untill someone else wakes up i fear the house will burn down as soon as im asleep, i worry about family and friends i am terrified of being in a car im a so sure it is going to break down and leave us stranded or it will have amajor failure and kill me/us i think this anytime i say good bye to someone getting into a car i see them wrecking or being hit by some drunk driver or any number of other things i look outside and i dont feel any urge to go there i just want to sit in silence but its never silent my head tells me somethings wrong i should be checking the fire and check all the doors to be sure they are locked it shows me things i dont need to see i fear people are talking about me or hiding something from me or just watching me like i am wierd i think about every sentance befor i say it and think of what the person i intend to say it to will think of it to the point where i dont even want to say anything or the moment has passed and its not worth saying now and as it stands now i am 28 years old still living in my mothers house and i cant get a job because im afraid to look i feel angry about having to sell myself to someone for a job and i dont feel i am worth anything and it takes away my energy that would of been put towards going out to look for a job because i already know im not the one they will choose i havent driven in years havent owned a car in years i feel like i depend on everyone around me for something and i hate to ask for anything because i feel i take so much from them as it is like i require 24 hour help when i do finally get to sleep i dont want to wake up because in my dreams i dont have fears or regrets i just do things like its all planned out i dont have to make any of it happen and that makes me happy and at ease but when i wake up all i want is to go back to sleep where things are okay because when i wake up im still the 28 year old loser living with his mom theres no chance im going to try and find a girlfriend because i feel so worthless i could never make anyone happy i dont take care of myself i dont care what i eat or if i shave or shower i dont intend to see anyone anyway then when i do i am so ashamed of myself because i think i smell bad or my breath is bad then at those moments i have this drive to get my self together but its too late the moment has passed and i feel failure yet again i keep reading here that it will pass and i will feel better but i have felt like this since i was small i have felt insignificant worthless not worth taking care of just a waste of everyone elses space and resources at night i think to myself i can be better i just need to do this and this and i make lists but when i wake up its all gone i just want to sit in the dark and wait for all this to just end. even when i do talk myself into doing something good i get strong feelings of anxiety im so afraid to take that first step. i know if i could just get started i would be fine but i am so afraid of everything it makes me physicly ill stomach aches head aches, i feel weak and scared and i dont even want to try. im so scared to try that i never do anything anymore just sit and wait for something to change on its own…

  • sam

    I feel hopeless like nothing or anybody could save me im so tired @ night but I cant fall a sleep but when I do fall a sleep some times I cant get out of bed or don’t want to im scared of being alone(like somebody’s in my house& there going to kill me)some times I cant breath &when I sleep I feel like im going to suffocate some times I cant get I don’t want to leave my house I don’t want to do nothing i got to the point where i was so ashamed of my self i didn’t want to be around family or friends but then a gin i didn’t want to be alone i didn’t no what to do with my self i didn’t like my self it was the worst thing ever.

  • layah

    There seemed to be a lot of people talking about how agitated they were or sad. I don’t feel anything. At all. I don’t remember the last time that something in my life truly upset me. The last time that something mattered. I feign irritation when it seems appropriate. I don’t want to do things with my friends unless I know there’ll be weed involved and I’m turning into a regular little pot head.
    Everything just blurs together and nothing feels worth it. I wouldn’t talk to someone–friends or professionals–because it feels like there’s nothing to say. I was raped, no one died. This is just how I am now.
    Is that depression? I don’t know what else to call it but I’m coming unhinged. I was happy. Or I thought I was. I don’t know what I am anymore. I just know that I truly feel it would be easier if I just weren’t.

  • jamie

    I am mentally and emotionally drained. My thoughts are running a million miles an hour. They won’t stop. I cannot help but to be stressed out from everything. I over think and over analyze everything. I feel worthless because I am not doing anything productive with my life, and yet I cannot find the strength or motivation to do anything and it makes me angry. I am not living, only existing. I have no purpose. Every day seems to drag on. I can’t wait until night time so I can just go to sleep and escape. Every morning when I waket to cry because I want to go back to sleep. I can’t wait until my daughter goes with her dad because I feel useless and like a bad mom because all I do is lay around

  • nataj walker

    I don’t even know if this is helpful, you know reading all of everyone’s sad stories. I only recently came to terms with my depression which only bundled up because of 5 years of a suppressed incidents. I can’t say I’m to the point where I don’t get out of bed. I sought out help last week when it felt like the entire world had finally fallen down and crushed me. I didn’t realize the things I’ve seen for years as normal were signs of this fucked up dismal depiction of “life.” I guess I’m kind of handling it well, I ran straight to family when it finally felt like my brain was about ready to pulsate straight out of my skulls. Now i talk to a women who gets paid $70 a session to listen to me ramble and cry for an hour. I broke down at a party last night for the first time in my life also. Everyone’s moods made me uncomfortable, and I questioned everyones actions. I feel like I do that often, I hate it like i cant just interact and I can’t wear a sign on my face that says “im depressed as fuck I wish you could all just understand!” though I’m not sure if I really need it considering it already feels like its plastered all over me. I also haven’t been able to be comfortable enough to date, which makes me more depressed. it’s like a vicious cycle but im confident in getting out of this. I know theres better for myself. for us all.

  • Gab

    At this current moment, I feel as if I am drowning in a pool of motioneless white liquid. Every single particle of the liquid is a horrible moment that has passed on in my life, and it keeps replaying and replaying in a worse tone every night. Sounds also become very unpleasently sharp!

  • depressed man

    im tired, of everything, i want to die, all the time, there is nothing more pressing in my head than a primal urge to die, but a burning feeling of total worthlessness with each living second. im totally apathetic to anything, i dont care about my family, my friends, my hygene, girls, work, i just sit and pretend im programmed to sit i dont feel real, i dont cry, i cant cry, i sigh alot though
    i didnt realize it was depression untill about a week ago, i thought i was just retarded or something. i dont really mind the depression though its at the point where im just waiting for death, id rather do nothing forever than get help and live a puppet life for another 3 or 4 years, this is the first time in the 3 years ive been depressed that ive mentioned anything about it. ive never said anything because if i do theyll take me away and then i wont have the option to die, and i cant live without a way out. so… im pretty fucked ive accepted this and i plug on everyday telling my self “just a bit longer” hopefully this sheds some light on severe depression, i dont mean to bum anyone out or sound like a bitch, its all my fault im like this im sure, so say whatever you want it wont matter soon anyway

  • jay

    I can relate to all those feelings listed above, the feeling unworthyness, weakness,everthing just seems pointless, I am constantly angry at myself for not doing anything right,am always absent minded and very forgetfull, I feel like everyone is out to get me so I try my best to stay away from people,I am constantly feeling like a failure.Waking upo in the morning is the worst moment of my day…i just don’t function normal, this feeling has been going on for a very long time, I thought I was the only one having this feelings, I never came across anyone until reading it up here.

  • cam d.

    depression is like this huge cloud that comes around. it doesnt rain on you, it just sits there, looming over your head. you dont feel. you dont cry. you regret your life. im in the 8th grade and im suicidal. depression doesnt go away. it clouds over you for so long that you want to die. youre dronwing but you can see everyone else. its like watching a movie; its going on without you.

  • Not available

    It’s like drowning.
    But you can see everyone else breathing.

    And you never know how close you are to the edge.
    Until you’re falling.

  • noah

    Depression is a recurring theme in my life. I find all human life meaningless I feel drawn to sleep just so the time passes until my death comes I wait and I wait but that day never comes. Depression comes in waves right now im in one of the happier moods … But it doesn’t help depression has such a hold on mr that I long for that overwhelming darkness just because its all I know….. I’ve only one fear, yes it is irrational but I fear I shall be immortal that god will sit upon his throne laughing as I slowly lose my mind and deteriorate but fully conscious and aware. I feel that death is a reward and I don’t have the right to take it. The only joy I’ve ever had is through relationships and even those are starting to turn into obsesion … When you live your life in order to make a girl happy who told you months before she no longer cares about you…. And through these relations have triggered some of the more potent waves … After seeing “her” face (the weekend after finding out she was no longer single) I was reduced to nothing laying upon the bathroom floor unable to chew a piece of gum…. I’ve never truly had a hold of my emotions .. Breaking down in tears in 7th grade because I couldn’t get a book … After all the close thing to non existence is living in fantasy … There’s so much more but im outa time…

  • Nobody Important

    I have been dealing with depression since I was a kid I feel like I am in a dream my mind is constantly foggy, No one knows they can’t know. I cry everynight. its dark all the time even when the sun is out it is just a dark cloud looming I hate myself I hate the fact that I was to scared too tell what he did.I cant look at myself in the mirror .the best I can do is get out of bed and dress myself to go to school I dont eat unless I have too I drink ALOT so much that my “friends” called me an acholic but I dont care It’s just another way to let it go just for a bit I am also a self harmer my legs are covered in scars Its ugly and everytime I look at them I tell myself that I am not going to do that again its not worth it but when most of your thoughts involve cutting yourself its hard not to it makes me feel better even if just for a moment but I HATE it

  • Bridie

    It’s like…the world is a big whole nothing. It’s so weird. Pretty sure I don’t feel anything emotional, I don’t even know. Usually it’s just some distant feeling of frustration or sadness , but I don’t actually “feel” it.Everything is out of reach, like something has taken over.I wonder sometimes if I really “love” my family or other people, my mum ,my brother, because I don’t “feel” anything. I’m not really sure what “feeling” is or if I have it. I just have no idea what’s going on in my life anymore. My brain feels “frazzled” like it’s got something else it’s doing all the time. Like it’s trying really hard to figure out a maths problem all the time, just constantly WORKING and WORKING. And then somehow I’m trying to live everyday life, like most of my brain is concentrating really hard on something. Everyday feels slow and sort of mudane. But so much time seems to pass without me seeming to notice. Time with friends and family is unsatisfying , I try to make myself have a good time but it never works , I never feel anything. Time seems distorted and disorientated. Although I sort of have a good sense of myself , I can’t seem to be able to push myself forward for other people. It’s like I’ll stop thinking about this “thing” that I have and It’ll all be okay , and then I start to remember what’s happening , the fact that life is just too hard for me to live in. I have lots of physical symptoms like when I try to drive ,my mind becomes “frazzled” and overworked to a point where I don’t even think about what I’m doing anymore , I just do it. My conscious mind sort of “floats” away and I just act from what I “think” I should do. My eyes become unfocused and tired easily in places like supermarkets and places where there are lots of objects and people , I can’t seem to “look” , my eyes automatically become focused on one thing in specific , instead of being able to view a scene of things (maybe some sort of eye problem , though I assume it’s because of this). I have no control over my life anymore ,everything just “happens” in my mind emotionally. I can’t actually think about what’s going on ,like I can’t figure it out, I don’t have enough brainpower (like my mind is focused on something else), I used to become really anxious in social situations ,I couldn’t control it. It was like something in my mind just “took over” and made me feel like that. Like some plane of my mind just “switched” and I couldn’t help it. I try to read ,but that’s really difficult because it’s like again my mind just goes hyperactive and I can’t actually concentrate on trying to read and to try and take in the words and their meaning. It’s so freaking annoying! I don’t have any control over it, I doubt anyone will ACTUALLY be able to under stand it , I don’t even understand what it is. I don’t know how people can just say that they have depression, I don’t know what’s happening to me and it’s pretty terrifying. I am Female and 16 years old , so this all might sound like some sort of identity crisis or some other cliche. But I have felt some of these things starting from 8 years old, and have since then define all of this as something definitive and something that must be wrong with me. I probably have depression, trying to figure out and deal with these things in my life. But the things themselves , aren’t.It very truly feels as if noone will be able to understand these things that are happening or be able to explain to me and help me with them. I don’t know what to do or how to deal with these things! Sorry for having this be SO LONG!! Thankyou , if you did read the whole thing 🙂 it makes me feel better even being able to share all the weird things that happen to me

  • JayNice

    Depression is all consuming. It infiltrates your thoughts, your heart, your entire being. It can cause secondary problems like tachycardia…as I have, and it makes me wonder if my fibromyalgia is directly related. But mostly, depression is a heavy fog in my mind. It slows my ability to solve or answer simple questions or issues. It’s a voice inside of my mind, my voice that continually berates, belittles, condemns and destroys what self-worth I once had. The voice gets louder at the simplest of triggers. If someone is talking about life in a positive way, they’re happy, they’re successful, they’re smiling or laughing…the voice reminds you that you are none of those, you will be none of those and you have no right to be one of those people. You are incompetent, flawed in every way, defective if you will and you will always be that way. The voice tells you that people whom were able to overcome depression with will power…well…they’re not like you…you’re different and you will never be like them.

    You notice that you can no longer laugh…not organically. You rarely smile, unless socially pressured to do so. You’re sick with headaches and tired all the time. Sleep eludes you and when you do get it…it’s never restful. You wake up with the same fatigue, sadness and loneliness. People stop talking to you, because they can ‘feel’ the depression that emanates from you…that consumes and transcends every conversation to some degree. You lose friends; because they cannot handle depression…all the while YOU are the one battling it, not them.

    If you’re in school, homework is nearly impossible…and even if you are very bright and schoolwork normally comes easy to you…with depression it will take you twice the amount of time to finish…and leave you utterly exhausted afterward. A job, and holding one, becomes impossible. You cannot get out of bed, sometimes literally. Eating either becomes excessive or nonexistent. Suicidal thoughts are buoyant and always resurface, multiple times a day, and preform little skits inside your mind…how, when, where…and such. You want to go to sleep and never wake up. You cry and cry and cry…and many times…your soul begs for something, anything to change. You truly believe that your family would be better off without you…as then you would not be a burden to them. You do not want your kids to be influenced by your illness.

    Depression…ultimately…is a parasite within my mind. It has taken over its host and I no longer have ‘my’ life; it has ‘my’ life now. It has quite literally changed the person I was into a zombie…except a zombie with negative emotions. The parasite survives by destroying anything that resembles happiness, success, stability and joy; and what the parasite defecates are sorrow, self-hatred, condemnation and pain.

    What I wonder is this: If somehow, some way, I am able to kill the parasite…will I return to who I was?

  • G

    I just feel so tired – so very very tired – not only physically – but emotionally and mentally – it feels like I have no strength for anything – for shopping – working – talking – anything – absolutely anything and everything – even bathing and dressing and doing my hair and make – up -everything is a mission – I keep pushing but I feel like I dont even have the motivation to do that anymore – I am tired so tired – I think Ive lived my life – dodne whast needs to be done – experienced what I need to experience – its done now – time for me to move on and by that I mean pass on – I would never take my own life but ohhhhh I wish that something would

  • bazza

    i don,t have depresson or understand it but someone i love very much does after reading all your letters i understand a bit more i dont no what i could possibly say to you all, my heart goes out to you all and wish i could help.i hope im right in thinking all i can do is be ther for the one person i no has it and love her for who she is thank you all you have helped me so much x

  • lelah

    Depression. is a mad world of pain, emptiness, and suffering. sometimes it feels like your living your life through someone else. it feels like your trapped inside yourself. it feels like your dying while living. it feels so hated,and lonely. it feels like your constantly trying to find a reason to live
    it is just terrible

  • lelah

    picture a dark hole sucking in everything like family, friends, happiness, love, peace, joy etc. now picture you standing in the middle of it going nowhere… absolutely nowhere feeling nothing but pain and emptiness.

  • brain dead

    many of the things/incidents/talks are without any meaning/reason/purpose/aim.for me nothing has any meaning.everything is a waste and bullshit.i frustrate and give up easily.i cant do anything about that. Reading/following any amount of self help/success books can never ever help me in facing people/problems of life or they cant make me successful. Reading them also had no effect on me,my nature behaviour or my image infront of people,family,friends. I am the same depressed girl,who still hates herself and her miserable life.i have no hope from any self help /success book also because they can’t do anything obviously.n obviously how can any book help a person to cope with depression?no ways.its just impossible. .

  • nobody

    i know that i have depression,but i also know that there is nothing which my family or my mother especially can do about it.even if i confess it infront of her 1000 times.this disease depression is my own and i only have to suffer with it in silence,forever..who says that depressed and shy children study everytime and take books as shelter to escape from facing others.millions of children in this world are studious and love to spend whole of their time with books. Does that mean that all of them are depressed? No.and if some of them are depressed then it doesn’t means that they don’t have any right to study.and if some one lacks self confidence then also one can achieve what he/she aspires.if one achieves good marks in writing exam but couldn’t perform well in practical/viva/interview,then what’s the big deal.atleast he/she is good at one thing.i.e,writing.also, it is very important to take tension about people,work,study,everything and get worried about small/big things because these are the factors which make you feel alive and like human.if many are progressing then,wt i have to do with them,its their life.who the hell says that feelings and mind can’t friendship with each other.?they are best friends and both are one &the same thing.none of them exists independently or can ever exist independently.can it be possible for anyone to eliminate all his feelings?no,not at all.not atleast for me.yes,i am stupid,ugly,self-centred,jealos of others,angry with others, tension freak, cant undrstand others opinions,but this is what i am.god has made me like this only and i can’t ever change myself no matter how hard i try. 🙁

  • depressed gal

    i know it very well that even after knowing that i am suicidal,my mother can’t do anything to help me out.n obviously when even med.s and psychatrists can’t relief depressed people from their pain then what can she do? Nothing,absolutely nothing even if i tell her that i am suicidal 1000 tyms..!!i will have to suffocate with all these sufferings, pains,problems,’depression’ myself only, in silence forever as this disease called depression is my own only, not my mom or others.so why should they suffer? Who the hell says that depressed children study books everytym because they take them as shelter to hide from others.?no,no,no.not at all.millions of children in the world are studious and love to study books and spend all time with them.it doesn’t mean all of them are depressed.or if some of those are depressed and shy then it doesn’t means that they don’t have the right to study.everyon has.also, its a human nature to have preconceptions.what’s the harm in having preconception about anything? Absolutely no harm. N who the hell says that mind and feelings can’t friendship with each other. . All humans on this planet have feelings. Does that mean that none of them is using their mind? Feelings and mind actually coexist with each other.none of them exists independently and both are friends.best friends.n humans are humans not machines that they would eliminate their feelings. Its impossible to be feelingless.atleast for me.i am emotional and i have lots of feelings.i can’t do anything about that because god has made me an emotional creature only.also,who says that to be successful don’t think what other people will think or say about you and do what you want because its your own life and only yours,no else’s and be the ruler of your own will? I mean it’s all bullshit which i don’t even want to try.it’s simply hypocrisy and faking infront of other people that see,i have read all the ways to be successful and i am following them.so, this makes me superior than you. But the fact is that i will always remain a depressed and worthless person, no matter what number of self help/success books i read and follow their principles,ther would be no effect on this disease called depression and my image infront of other people.depression will remain lifetime with me,no matter what i do..yes, i am self centred, always feel jealous of others, compare myself with others, angry, full of negative feelings,then i am..i can’t to anything about them.these feelings are natural. N it is not necessary to eliminate them for success.these are those forces which keep u moving/fighting.no one can get rid of them.one can get success with them or without them.

  • depressed gal

    i m in depression since childhood.once out of frustration, i confessed in front of my mother that i want to commit suicide.bt she didn’t try to understand my feelings, n didn’t even cared a single %.she’s still as happy and busy in her own life.i wish she would have ever understood me.she has every good quality which i lack.my confession had no effect on her or her happy life.she never bothered about me and takes me for granted.although we live under the same roof bt our hearts are million miles apart from each other.and now, she must not even be remembering that i ever told her about suicide because she took it as a joke.she had always scoulded me and abused me since i was very small and even if i die, it wouldn’t matter to her at all.my confession had no effect on her,it didn’t change her at all. she’s still the most strictest mother..i’m just a small burden on her.bt i still love her,i don’t know why?n she actually hates me.n she always wil,like she had since my childhood, no matter what good i do.i have so many problems in my life, but i have no one in my life to share them with.even if i do, nobody bothers and understands me.i hate myself, nothing in me is good.i have a very slow working brain. I am not as smart as others.i am extremely lonely in this world and everyone is busy in their own lives. :c

  • Bimo

    Depression is a living grimreaper,you don’t feel anything,ANYTHING at all.
    Emotion,Mind,Feeling,everything which once made you a human just gone without any hope to come back and you don’t know what is wrong with you and what step you should do to recover.

    You feel disconnected from the world,you can’t enjoy anything,you walk,work,study but there is no enthusiasm and happiness anymore,the world seems pitch black.drowning into an emptiness and questioning how could everyone laugh and even share love and you just stood still with blankness,nothing to say or express,everything feels weird and hopeless

    I just hope that I can get over it,I’m tired feeling this way,no matter how much I tried there is no hope anymore,This just took everything from me,the most vital part of being living being

  • Lez

    I was diagnosed mild depression 2 years ago and I’m fine now. I just wanted to share what I felt during my depression. When I was depressed it felt like I was trapped inside a bubble and had no way out. My mind was like in slow motion and nothing felt real. I had no energy. It affected my work considerably and I was forced to go on medical leave. I couldn’t concentrate, I was very forgetful, and it was very frustrating. I know I’m a smart person I did great in school but for some reason I couldn’t memorize anything anymore. It was impossible to remember anything. I wanted to die I wanted to kill myself maybe jump off the bridge, shoot myself in the head but I was afraid to do it. I though about all the people I would leave behind and it made me feel guilty. I became a reckless driver part of me was hoping I would die in a car accident so then it won’t really be my fault. My neck and shoulders felt tense and heavy like under pressure. I had a lot of negative thoughts about myself I kept thinking of everything that went wrong and all my failures in life. That’s all I thought about that I sucked at life and how I did a terrible job at work. I was lucky someone said something to me and I was able to realize that I needed help and I got the help. It took about 6 months of medication and therapy until I got better and went back to work. Looking back it was amazing how much better I feel about myself it was like this bubble finally burst open and I was set free. Everything around me became clear again.

  • no self confidence

    once out of anxiety i gave my slam book to a guy. N he wrote into it for me that i have self confidence but i knw it vry wel that he was js lying and wrote it jst to impress me because he didn’t even knew me properly. If he knew me well, he wud hv nvr written it.. I know i completely lack self confidence as my teacher too told me that.. Which is also a major reason of my depression. . So its obvious that either he was lying or making fun of me that i don’t possess a single % self confidence.. I had depression since i was 6 or so and each day is like a battle for me.. I have social anxiety too along with constant feeling of inferiority complex infront of other people.. I don’t know how to be happy.. 🙁 happiness is not written in my destiny unlike others..

  • lonelygal

    It’s especially difficult during the holidays – not feeling real connections with family, even friends. Feeling misunderstood. And every small thing you have to do in the wake of your life, I don’t care how small, can be insurmountable. I constantly feel like I’m in a fog and that my brain needs to be “lifted.” I’m screaming inside and I know that no one on the outside knows the turmoil within. So, I suffer in silence. I also don’t tolerate meds and just deal with this. Some days are better than others. Socialization can be a chore to say the least.

  • Rose

    It’s Christmas and it’s supposed to be the happiest time of the year but all I can think about is how desperately I need for this nightmare to end. The anxiety and depression I’ve lived with for years have become worse than I ever imagined possible. It hurts just to be conscious.I prayed that I would feel a little better by Christmas so I wouldn’t ruin another holiday for my kids. I prayed hard and don’t understand why it has to be so unbearable. I shopped for presents but I’m ashamed of the few cheap gifts that were all I could afford.I put up the Christmas tree but the lights keep burning out. The cookies I baked that didn’t burn or break taste like stale bread. There’s a ham still waiting to be baked but it can go on waiting. I don’t care anymore. It hurts too much to even go through the motions of celebrating. I can’t do this anymore. It just has to end.

  • Two four

    Anxiety is killing me slowly
    I can feal this pain in my chest
    Pure pain
    Pure
    I want to scream until I can’t even say hello anymore
    I want to sit there scream and cry forever until my voice just runs out
    Screaming yelling for All the pain
    Pain
    Pain
    I’m in so much pain
    I’m such a fuck up
    I’m so fucking stupid
    This world is bullshit
    I hate it
    I hate the hate
    Cry
    Cry
    Cry
    Pain
    Pain
    Hurt
    Hurt that’s all I ever think about now
    Pain and hurt
    I love somebody so much
    But I dont think what she had for me will ever be the same
    I don’t want to loose her
    I don’t want her to forget about me but I feal she slowly is
    I just want to show her that I finally see her now
    I didn’t notice how much I loved her till she was gone
    And I felt alone and lost
    So many pretty wemon
    But I want her
    Not the best of the best
    But just a wonderfull beautifull happy girl that can do what no one else could
    Love me
    Show me how it is to be loved because I never even gave her a chance
    I pushed her away
    Biggest mistake of my life
    And then people at school make me second guess about who I am
    Or Mabey I put thos thought s into my own head
    These voices in my mind!!!! Go away!!!!!
    One year break from this depression and then I had to switch schools again I’m such a Dumbass
    Airhead:)
    That’s what she used to call me
    Oh Isaiah your such an airhead
    With a smile and happiness in her eyes I was so scared to make her unhappy, cause she made me happy and we weren’t even dating, how many times she told me she loved me and I wanted to say yes but something inside me was pushing her away, what was it? I was afraid to loose what we had so I kept saying no cause I never had a girl feal that way I just wanted it forever
    I love you
    I love you
    I love you
    I’m sorry
    So sorry
    Sorry
    All my friends are fake
    I can’t sleep
    Stress and hate Is taking controll of me
    Fuck this life I think
    But stay together for your family
    I love them but I feal like
    How much I care if they love me
    Or if I love them is leaving I will alwase love them but I just don’t care if they would miss me
    I feal like its forced love since I’m there kid
    And I know if I was someone else’s kid they would hate me
    Iv never fell in love or been in love and the love I feal for that girl is mixed with pain she was also my first and only kiss
    People hate me
    I am an annoying idiot
    Dumas price of shit
    I can’t cry no more the tears just sit in my eye lids they don’t come out even when I try to make them literally can’t cry no more I can’t be in school it’s to much on me
    I just get up and leave randomly
    I think I need someone to tell me what to do without telling me I need help I’m not getting medication I want to pull thru this on my own but I need help doing so

  • Two four

    I feal so so Lonely, I want to love so bad but every time someone tries to get close I push them away then regret it later, I can’t stop thinking about how much iv fucked up with everybody, with her, I miss her so much,she was the only girl that ever loved me for who I was and I didn’t even give her a chance, I just pushed her away because I got scared, I’m scared of love I think, I can’t sleep I just sit here in bed with a blank mind staring at the ceiling, I can’t cry anymore the tears just sit in my eyes and stay there, I can think, every time I try to smile it seems forced, I don’t have the energy for anything anymore, I’m in soooooo much pain you don’t even understand I’m in so SO so so so much pain,…. I can’t laugh no more, I feal like all my friends and family are out to get me, I stopped smoking pot but this just won’t go away! It just sits here and I try to fight it but it just keeps comming back to haunt me every fucking day…… Keep having these thoughts that I had never had before! Even in my previous depression when I was ten! These crazy psych thoughts that just pop into my head, I’m starting to hate life, no one understands or I don’t understand myself they keep saying I need meds but I wanna figure it out myself, but I want help I just won’t get it, I think something’s telling me how to do thing to make things right but I can’t put this puzzle together perfect I’m loss in myself keep thinking stay true to yourself but I cAnt do this no more I want to hold her again the only person that’s ever showed me she cares and I need to know what to do to get there I feal like from there everything else will be clear and make sense, but I deleted my Facebook for no reason other than I got mad cause I felt nobody liked me, I don’t eat anything anymore but dinner, I don’t sleep I stopped seeing the bright side of things, I alwase think for the worst. This is hurting, bleeding, pain, depression I feel.

  • C

    I came across this site for a big project that I’m working on in college. I went through pretty much everything people wrote in the comments, and I never thought I could get better either. I was depressed, had a personality disorder, and was anorexic for 5 years. My parents didn’t understand me, although they pretended that they understood me. I couldn’t have stable relationships with friends or anyone else because I wanted to escape from them just when they were getting to know me (the “real” me). I, too, thought there was no escape, no light at the end of the tunnel, no salvation that will save me.

    But by some miracle, I started getting better. I think the moment I started getting better was when I realized that I didn’t have the guts to kill myself. The thought seems harsh, and I denied it at first, but basically I didn’t die because I was scared. Scared, not because death was going to hurt, but scared because of the thought that there might be pain worse than depression. And being scared is good, because it’s one of the biggest motivations to not do something.

    I’m not saying I got better through this sudden realization. It took me three years to recover from all of my ‘disorders’, and I still live with some symptoms. But living with symptoms isn’t that bad at all. In fact, they are not ‘symptoms’, but merely human emotions that anyone can feel. It’s just the matter of how you deal with that emotion, and coming up with a positive solution instead of brooding over it.

    Please don’t drown yourself in these emotions. Even if life seems empty and pointless right now. Even if you have felt that glimmer of hope and was disappointed again and again. Getting better takes time, and it could take just few weeks or months or even few years. Do anything and everything to make yourself feel better, even if it’s for a limited amount of time. Believe in something. Faith is a powerful healing source. Even if you have to force yourself to think positively, don’t think of it as fake; in fact, it is far more than being fake. Once you have thought to yourself that you could get better, that is the one of the most brave, honest, and strong thoughts that anyone could ever have.

    Don’t loose hope..

  • king

    my shyness is killing me and being depressed for 10 years has taken the toll on my well being(friends, studeies, job) please help me overcome this, i am getting mad and felt trapped in the castle of doom…:(

  • Peter Stone

    I feel like I’m in a room
    with invisible walls.
    But it’s so black in the room,
    that I can’t see through the walls.
    Where I go, the room goes –
    I can’t get out!
    I wish someone would chain the room still,
    so that I could get out into the Light,
    But there is no escape,
    because I AM the room.

  • Marija

    Years into it – hell, my whole life into it – and I didn’t realize what was going on with me. I’ve always had episodes, suicide was indeed often on my mind, and as a relief of the incessant stress I felt – I feel, still.
    I’m a strong-minded person, principled even, and I wouldn’t admit it. I *refused* to admit I had mental issues. I refused to value therapy for what it was – help. I mocked therapy as money-milker. I mocked psychiatrists as phonies. I held myself under better than anyone, really, better than the stupid illness itself, with this intellectual stubbornness I’m cursed with.

    When I finally listened to my mother and went to see a doctor, I was already on the verge of losing my job and even my relationship. This article describes perfectly well how I felt about myself and about my surroundings and my friends and family.
    The worst of it? My mother and my boyfriend were the only reasons to live – I didn’t want to hurt them – but I was already building my defenses against their power to keep me alive. I started resenting them for loving me – that’s the deep low where I fell, how deeply perverted my own feelings became. And that’s *not me* – that’s not ME! I’m kind! I knew that, and yet I felt the budding hate – the feeling that would enable me to take my life. If no one loves me, then I can go freely. Or so I “reasoned”.

    After the therapy, and its first successes, I gave up on the job, but I saved my relationship. The job was a major influence on my condition. Whereas before having it, I could have “pass by” with minor episodes that could have been written off as mood-swings, the nature of the job pushed me straight into hopelessness. Thanks to it, my “natural pessimism” (what I used to call it – I had many manes for my depression, poetic ones even) was compounded by objective reasons to be pessimist about the world, and in it, about my life. I lost 10 years to that dead-end career, cause now I know – with my condition, I can’t stand it, not even on medication.

    For me, the therapy ended up being great help. The doctor made me realize that I’m sick and need help and that the help can be given. It only remained for me to take it. It took me 3 years to take it, though. Recovery, if you can call it that, is very slow in my case.

    But I feel much better now. And can see a new career path emerging in front of me too – a creative one, one to bring me more joy than the one before.

    To anyone wondering whether they should trust the doctors, whether they should even try: please, do. Don’t let it ruin your life – it’s your life, take it back. Be careful and suspicious all you want – you have every right to be. There are people out there making great money off of others’ misfortune. But trust me, there are those that would help you too.

    Don’t give up. Live. You CAN get better. I did. I do feel like a war survivor (which I actually am – ex-Yugoslavia – great addition to my “natural pessimism”…) – I have scars, but I live. And I know I tell the truth when I say: you’ll only grow stronger when you finally reach this other shore. It’s sunny most of the time now, even when it rains in the real world.

    It turns out I’m a “natural optimist”, actually. Who knew?

  • mimi

    Y ist worth living? I wish I never existed ,Am better off dead
    I think of suciding everyday ,jst that I dnt have the corage to do so.. But y is suciding so bad?y live? I want to die so badly,life has no sense anymore everything is so boring, I feel issolated,
    I feel sad all the time
    I cry ALL the time I feel emty and pointless,my heart canot love I have no feelings to feel
    My mind is always blank I have no thoughts,am always quite around friends I always have nothing to say I try to speak yet I have nothing to say..I can’t stand this I jst want it to be over,I want to end

  • Tra

    Another thing is that most people dont get it at all unless theyve had it,but,showing them this website will probably be a HUGE “AAHH HAAA” for them.Pick some of the posts that best describe how you feel or just let them read as many as they want.

  • Cyri

    I’m not for sure why I looked this up and chose to come to this site but this kind of scares me. So many of these are how I’m feeling.. These past few weeks I’ve felt really anxious or agitated towards the end of the school day for no apparent reason and more than a few times a day I’ll feel like I either don’t want to breathe or that I just can’t. Even my friends irritate me, and they’re usually the only ones I somewhat trust enough to really talk to. Most of the other things aren’t really new for me though, just those.

  • Devon

    I feel like I’m not alive. Like I’ve failed at the basic things in life that everyone else seems to so easily and effortlessly accomplish. I feel left out. I have no desire to speak, or even exist for that matter. As if life will go on as planned around me if I would only just bow my head in humble surrender and fade from everyones view. The worst part of my depression is that something in me keeps fighting it. I have no desire to self mutilate, no thoughts of suicide, and the thought of me being depressed in my mind sounds stupid. I think, Why are you being so pathetic? get up, your life is fine, so many others have it worse than you do, so why be sad? but the waves of sadness just keep rushing through me, and the numbness is always there, no matter how hard I try to smother them. Truly though, It is pathetic, I’m a 19 year old girl, why the hell am I depressed? I have no reason to be. And so, I hate myself, for being sad for no reason. For having the curse of bad genes. For having the curse of depression.

  • Kyle S

    For the past two or some years I have slowly started to feel as if I do not have feelings anymore. Even now I feel nothing could ever make me happy. I think back to earlier years and think of how I used to feel joy, but now I just feel nothing. I don’t know what to do anymore. I feel so alone. I sometime wish that I could feel happy for just five seconds to just remember what it used to be like to be happy. I need help and I want help I just don’t know where to look or who to go to. Help me.

  • Tra

    I read every1 of these posts and this is my 1st time ever posting anything on the internet.I wish there were a way to look into your eyes when I say this-I acknowledge every last ounce of your pain and suffering and nobodys truly alone with this cause tons of people have it.Im 46 and Ive had it since I was around….well,a long long time.I wish I could hug every one of you and we could have a good cry and then get comfortable and really spill our guts and figure out whats really goin on here cause I,for one may be a little odd but Im not crazy and although I feel my soul and mind are being…..disappearing..,I still have enough intelligence to notice whats happening to the world around me.SO MANY PEOPLE ARE SCREWED UP IN THE HEAD!I have enough disfunction and trauma in my past to write a pretty exciting and juicy book but I just have this hunch that thats not it.I think theres more at work here than our childhood tragedys and such.I mean,Im humbled and I hit bottom long ago and I want nothing but the truth no matter how painful.I want to know what the hell is wrong with me!What I dont want is some trumped up medical diagnosis and a prescription for some mystery pill with unknown longterm effects and dozens of possible side effects that are more life threatening than the depression.I struggle every moment with a list of symptoms a mile long and I was on meds b4 but I just dont trust em. By the way,is there a depressed anonymous group?We should start one-theres a definate demand.I think many of us are victims of something very sinister and perhaps hard to believe but hey,as the old saying goes,just cause Im paranoid doesnt mean Im not being watched!I love you all and do some research on h.a.a.r.p……its got us by the nuts(no pun intended).I also want you all to know that Im not giving up on you and Im pickn up the slack and tryn to find answers for us all!DONT GIVE UP!Were together in spirit.We share this pain and I CARE and others do too…I promise they do ok? Hang on…Sure wish we could chat somehow.I know that would help so much.May the force be with us all. Love Tra

  • thepenzancehorse.com

    Alcohol and drug abuse may mask clinical depression because they’re able to produce similar indicators. Depression is often a vicious cycle because you really feel a not enough motivation to accomplish anything, but doing something is the exact thing that can relieve someone of the depression in the first place. Even when it isn’t depression, your physician can
    probably enable you to figure out what it really is and what needs to get done.

  • Jambonet

    Like I am standing still in a grey mist while my family and friends spin around full of life. It gets harder and harder to see them …

  • Andrew

    The sense of doom is very true for me. I just feel there is nothing in life for me, its like there is nothing in this world that can make me happy, even those things that make others happy. It also doesn’t help that my friends and family don’t want to believe its as bad as it is. My mother just thinks I’m lazy and its my own fault one of the last things that my dad said to me has stuck with me “Andrew is fine, there is nothing wrong with Andrew.” My older brother battled with schizofrenia so its hard for me to say how I feel without feeling like just another burden. It feels suffocating. Like everyone is telling me I’m ok and I should try harder, but it isn’t that simple. The failure of people to really understand makes me just want to run away from everyone. I have even less hope than I did before because even when I made it perfectly clear to my parents that I’m depressed the best advice they could give was “just don’t let things in life get you down.”

  • B

    I’ve read through the comments and only found a few that tell how depression feels. So this is how I feel: I’m drowning in an fathomles dark water. Deeper and deeper I sink, I can’t breath. There is no swimming in this water, just sinking. Black horror, not a ray of sun can penetrate the blackness, such intesnse blackness. The worst part is, I don’t die. I don’t run out of air and pass into peacefull unconciousness. It just goes on and on, down and down, never ending fear and terror. There is no one to help me, no one can pull me up out of those dark waves. I hear the people I love callign to me from a distance, but I can’t call back, I can’t make a sound. I am forced to suffer in silence. It doesn’t last forever, there are days, someitmes week, when I can pull it together and am actually not depressed. But when depression hits, when I’m thrown into the cavorness black room with no exit, all i can do it curl up in a corner and wait for the pain to subside. I’m only 15, this is not the way I want to spend the rest of my life. I need help, but there is no help.

  • Anonymous

    For awhile ive been trying to figure out if I was truly depressed or not. The part of me that feels irrational “shame” for being depressed always rationalized my symptoms as being a normal part of who I am. This has clarified a lot for me, I cant thank you enough.

  • still here

    I’ve been bp probably my whole life, so much so that ‘depression’ is a normal state for me…when I come out of it (change of meds or ?) I feel weird and disconnected even more from ‘normies’. I can’t relate to their happy-go-lucky ways and I am so jealous of them, I get angry. I know this does not help, just saying its a natural reaction. I am all about trying to find my place in the world were I can be calm and accepting of myself..love myself unconditionally..
    Blessings to All

  • Gnomeo

    I never realized that other people also suffered from all the same things I do. I just wish I could talk to somebody about how I feel, but whenever I get the chance to I feel like I am a whiny, lazy lowlife. Maybe thats just another factor of all the self-loathing. I truly find myself to be a complete loser. My friends are all halfway through college and I have 6 credits to my name. I drop classes almost routinely. I still recount the times when it all began, and my depression spiralled out of control. I was a senior in high school and my girlfriend dumped me the day after our anniversery. I feel as if I use her as a scapegoat for why I am so sad. I never stop thinking about her and I fear running into her or even hearing her name. Its been two years and I still spend days at a time without sleep or food. I have random anger outbursts towards my family and friends. I want nothing, but to sit in my bed and smoke pot all day. I cannot find a job anywhere. Life just seems impossible. I often times pray for cancer so I can spend a final month on earth stoned before I die and get my final revenge on the girl who broke my heart. The pain of knowing she doesnt want me is unbearable yet I bear it every day. Nobody seems to understand, and how are they supposed to offer advice to somebody who is missing a 2 year old ex. The worst part is I know what is wrong. I know there are other girls, I know I should work harder in school, I know I should get a job and stop wasting money on pot (legalize it), but I just cant seem to fix it. It feels like I am caught in a riptide and even though I can see the beach I just cant manage to swim back to it. I cant remember anything, and that makes takng pills extremly hard. I finally gave up on my prozak. I cant afford therapy and the guy from the church I talked to was a total jerk. It does make me feel better to know others feel as I do. Best of luck to all the sad people readin this.

  • thomas pearson

    I have been verbally abused harassed for last twenty years partly because I have had depression since 17. Think that’s bad try combining it with psychosis and paranoia plus threats of section.

  • joseph

    When I was reading this I felt the urge to cry because almost everything that was posted is what I have to deal with every single day and I don’t want to feel this way anymore. I have good people around me but I always feel alone. I love to eat but I spend days without eating. I have creative idea’s but I just don’t want to do anything. You just feel like your hearts not into anything anymore. I just feel defeated. I just want to be happy.

  • Taylor

    I have everything going for me. I graduated my community college with a 4.0 and am now at a University pursuing my dream of being an accountant. I am where I want to be, but something just seems off. It happened about 3 months ago. I went through alot of anxiety and worrying and then all of a sudden I was numb. I don’t get a high from running and working out at all, I barely have an appetite, and when I eat I don’t get full. Its hard to get close to anyone because my emotions are all off whack. I feel as if I get nothing accomplished all day. I have two tests this week and feel nothing. I know I should be studying, but I feel like I cant retain the information. Tried lexapro and hated it, made me feel even more numb and disconnected. I am in the first week of wellbutrin and so far not a whole lot of change. I know this medicine takes time to kick in though. I just feel like I want my life back. Having emotions is what makes us human and I feel as if I have lost all that.

  • FORGOTTEN

    I thought that I was getting over my depression. I really thought that all these feelings were over. The past year and a half I have been in a slump. My supposed friends always forgot about me. I was never included. Even one of my closest friends started ignoring me to hang out with other people. I was never invited. I found solace in music and I thought that being home over the summer was helping. However, even transferring to a different school hasn’t helped. I still feel like the odd one out. I still feel invisible and unnoticed. I want to get to know people and try and make friends, but it seems that people don’t want to get to know me. They only know the shy quieter me. They never get to see beyond that. It’s frustrating because I thought that things were getting better. I thought I was getting over the feelings of wanting to cry at every little thing. I thought I could move on without help. I don’t know if I should seek therapy or what. I don’t feel like I can trust anyone. I always get stabbed in the back. I just want to feel better about myself, about people, and about life in general. Since I have no one to talk to in real life I thought at least getting my feelings out there would help. I don’t want to go back to the place I was six months ago.

  • Erika

    Depression feels like a never ending fall. You just fall and fall. You feel like nobody cares anymore. Nothing is important. You sit in your room for hours by yourself, just staring at the wall. Begging yourself not to cry. Fifteen and depressed. It doesn’t get much worse. You have the drama of high school. The consant reminders of nobody wanting you to be happy. Depression is a never ending turnmoil. It doesn’t go away. It never leaves you. until you’re dead.

  • Emily

    It’s been around 2 years since I got my depression and I still remember every single thing of it. That guilt I felt every time my mother had to call the school to tell them that I wouldn’t go, and how I just wanted to be alone in a dark room with no sounds. I remember clearly how at 5 AM I could just stand and look out the window, watching how people walked by and feel trapped, like I was in a cage and waited for someone to open the door for me. It felt like I needed to go out from that cage, but I didn’t know why and no one would help me. I remember all negativ thoughts that clouded my mind all the time and how my brother would fuel my guilt by asking me why I wasn’t in school. To him it was just a prank, but to me it made me feel like I had done something wrong.

    I’m getting better and I go to school now, but I can still feel the temptation of just staying home and let that darkness take over again. As soon as I’m alone in my room the hopelessness take over and I feel like I should just give up. I’m always quiet in school to, which I never was before.
    My emotions change fast and my thoughts on somebody too. One second I can laugh and be really happy but next I’m empty and the same with my thoughts on someone. I can like them one second and detest them the next. The worst thing is that I don’t know what to do about it. I have a therapist or something, but it feels like I shouldn’t contact her because she will think that everything has gone bad again, especially my mother.
    But I will survive, just like i’ve done the last 2 years.

  • True spirit

    Now I am a sslc student and i got feelings that life is very borry.I am so well depressed because of continues failure of my dreams.I wan’t to become great,greater than any thing but i can’t find the way to the greatness.
    Now i feel not intrested in my studies. I can’t find my aims.
    This all creating borry in studies. I was losted mine interest for every thing. Now i am well depressed and gloomy.
    I always believe in nature who must give my the inspiration energy.
    But frequent failure makes my thoughts meaning less.what shall i do? Please,can you give me any suggestion?

  • True spirit

    I am a sslc student and i got feelings that life is very borry.I am so well depressed because of continues failure of my dreams.I wan’t to become great,greater than any thing but i can’t find the way to the greatness.
    Now i feel not intrested in my studies. I can’t find my aims.
    This all creating borry in studies. I was losted mine interest for every thing. Now i am well depressed and gloomy.
    I always believe in nature who must give my the inspiration energy.
    But frequent failure makes my thoughts meaning less.what shall i do? Please,can you give me any suggestion?

  • Imaan

    I feel so unhappy all the time!! I’m always crying I don’t know what to do?!?! I have a fear that something bad is always going to happen and my mom thinks I’m a failure! I think of myself as a failure I suck at math! I think I’m going to fail the year!!!mi just want to sleep and never wake up! 🙁

  • riley

    I want to run away all the time. I feel like I’m a failure and I keep messing up things. I hate to be alone because I feel like I’ve been alone all my life but I feel unwanted or not good enough when I am around people. I feel like no one understands and can care less. I feel ugly and I hate to look at myself, I lay in bed and cry. my head is full of nothing but negative thoughts and reminders of things I wish to forget and bad thoughts. I feel there is no use to be alive and I’m better off dead….this pain hurts. I want to give up and end it all….the only thong that has kept me alive is my son and the hope that it will get better but I feel like it won’t get better and he’s better off. all I want to do is run away from the pain

  • Nicky

    I thought this was just a phase I was going through, but it just wont end. There is no reason in the world I should be feeling like this. I just got my dream job, no… BETTER than my dream job. I finally don’t have to be worried about money anymore – and I’m a divorced mom of 3 so that’s huge.
    I’m not depressed over being divorced, or not being in a relationship- that’s actually a good thing in my mind. I don’t hate myself, etc. but what I do feel like is:
    1.) I’m in a dream world at all times. Like I’m moving in slow motion and can’t shake it.
    2.) I can’t concentrate on anything.
    3.) I am tired and achy ALL the time. Like I’m physically sick, but it never goes away.
    4.) EVERYTHING irritates me. My kids, my job, my family, the drivers on the road, and stupid small things.
    5.) I can’t plan for, or dream about the future anymore. I’ve tried and tried and tried.
    6.) Nothing gives me joy anymore. Not buying new things, not spending time with my kids, not going to a movie, NOTHING!
    7.) I have an intense hatred for those who have treated me unjustly. Especially people in authority who are crooked and have abused their power. I have fantasized about taking them out in detail, though I know I will never do it, it’s just nice to think about the world being rid of these people once and for all. That the world would be so much better without these life wreckers continuing their distruction.
    8.) I feel fake. Like I put on a happy smile for the world and push through the day, but it is VERY, VERY exhausting. It takes everything I have to make it through one day.

    Please Lord rescue me from this. I beg of you. PLEASE !!!!! I know for a fact that I can’t do this myself, I NEED YOU!!!!

  • Lora

    It feels as though there is an electrified black foggy haze around my head . . . everything is seen as through a veil. I wake at 2 or 3 or 4 a.m. with electric shocks running up and down my arms–eventually they hurt . . . there is a pain in my chest that is something like needing to cry but different . . . my chest is tight, my face frozen, my problems seem immense and insurmountable, I struggle to walk, talk, think . . .

  • Qwerty

    I use to be so social and talk more often but now i dont want anything to do with anyone, right after school, i come straight home and never leave home and i cant seem to remember things that i learned during school. I feel like crying at random times and i got a lot of mood swings. My sleeping routine is messed up, i either hardly sleep or i sleep too much. After 10 months of that, i finally got over all of it

  • Janine

    I feel as if there is a cold misty cloud in my head, as if my blood is thick and black like crude oil, and sometimes as though there is an oozing oil slick in my head. I can’t taste food and all music is an irritation. I feel guilty about everthing, continually recall times I’ve done something morally wrong and feel as if I deserve to die, usually by fire!

  • Jeff

    Like all here I suffer from about 95% of all that’s listed . It was a relief to see I am not insane, I am not the only one who feels this way. Of course I wish nobody felt at all like this, I have tried for years to overcome this, I have been in a state of denial, and guilt as long as I could remember. Just recently I made a decision, witch helped quite a bit. I quit trying to make sense of the senseless, to me depression is utter ciaos, like a string so knotted and tangled, nobody would attempt to straiten it. I worked on that mess daily for many years, thinking I caused this this is my problem. And recently I learned, to see it for what it was a complete and helpless mess. So I gave up and walked away, I let go and stopped trying to fix something that is by its nature, a complete mess. I thought, that mess was my life that I was trying to fix. I was wrong, Depression is not my responsibility…My aptitude now is, Depression you suck and I don’t owe you a thing…So I turned from it sadly it won’t ignore me. However it helped a little, that 800 pound gorilla lost a couple of pounds.

  • MickoBeerocket

    @LAILA Hey I read every bit of it and I hung on to every word, I’m serious about this problem and I was serious when I said this forum has amazed and helped me and I would read every single post lol What idiot would tell you that your depression isn’t bad enough to need counseling? From what you wrote man it is really bad. I’ll chat to you any time if you want. Im from Australia so I cant come find you lol

  • MickoBeerocket

    @ANDREW incredible description, this is such a real thing and although each experience is different for each individual there are some absolutely identical components and you proved that to me. It varies in severity from person to person and my friend…..You’ve got it bad! I wish I could talk to some of you guys on here, this is amazing for me it really is.

  • Laila

    -Sleep deprivation, you can’t sleep or sleeping excessively
    -Poor appetite
    -Becoming reckless because you don’t care if you’re gonna die, you’re not afraid to die
    -Self pity
    -Short temper and when you get angry you can’t control it very well you throw and break things
    -Difficult to make decisions even over the smallest things and sometimes when you finally decide on something you feel guilty about your decision. It’s like always a bad choice.
    -Days are fast like you’re just watching your life happen and not living it.
    -Extreme procrastination
    -You like doing nothing
    -You get irritated by people even family and friends
    -Becoming distant to family and friemds
    -Back pain, headaches, and other body/muscle pain you can’t explain
    -Heart burn
    -Feeling that nobodu cares about you
    -Everything to you is boring. There’s nothing in your life is to look forward for.
    -Always wanting to be ALONE
    -When you cry, you cry hysterically
    -When you’re ok then suddenly someone treats you bad it triggers your depression
    -Feeling worthless
    -You don’t know what to do with your life. You have no clear plans for the future.
    -Suicidal
    -Self destruction
    -Very emotional
    -Easily getting into arguments
    -Very low self esteem
    -Always worried about what others think of you
    -When you’re ok, you want to do something but there’s this heavy feeling that holds you back.
    -Difficulty in communicating
    -Very difficult to focus
    -Pessimism
    -Difficulty to discipline self
    -Weirdest dreams
    -Possibility of sleep paralysis
    -Possibility of lucid dreaming
    -May be socially awkward
    -Forget things easily
    -Gets mad, sad, upset easily
    -You feel like sh*t
    -You don’t care about anything
    -Sometimes you feel like you’re going insane

    I’m 20 and been going through this for 3 years. Never had formal help (i.e counselling). Recently my doctor gave me sleeping pills for my sleeping problems but I discontinue it. Then he suggested counselling but counselling told me that my depression isn’t “severe” enough so no counselling for me. Parents don’t care about my situation. Now I don’t know how to get out from this. I know nobody cares but posting here kinda makes me feel that there’s still something in this world where I belong to. That I’m not alone. I’m hopeless but everytime I read someone’s story on fighting depression, it gives me a little hope. No one will probably read this but if someone does I apologize for my poor English.

  • Donna

    It feels unreal.. like nothing seems real anymore. It feels like someone just rolled up the window and you’re just looking outside.. not feeling anything. Even my dreams seem to be more realistic.

  • Noel

    have you ever felt so alone that all your friends walked out and the only thing that makes you happy in the world is geting taken away from you by evil people and thers nothing you cant do about it u see him get hurt wich hurts to and u try and help but get this more worse ? i feel that im doing nothing right and that life is not worth living anymore
    i love him so much and he loves me back but this relationship is bieng split apart by threats and abusment by his parents wich i cant take anymore and he cant do nothing to protect himself or me i feel that if i get out of this world things will be better for him instead of hurting him all the time everythings my fault and i deserve wayy more then cuting i shouldnt be alive but the only thing holding me back is that i think that ther might be a chance for us but then i relieaze ther might not be and all i doo is cryy and it hurts so bad only reason why im finaly expressing the way im feeling is because this is anonymas

  • Andrew

    I have had depression for about 8 years now, and the social anxiety makes the condition feel like a bottomless pit, an abject trap from which I will never escape. All of my senses are dulled to the point of dreamlike mediocrity. The colours seem pale, my surroundings appear dimensionless, the sounds are monotonous and music rarely offers me that hair-raising shiver I used to enjoy so much. My sense of smell and taste, and their resultant sentiments, have almost completely been suppressed.

    My thoughts are usually scrambled but incessant, and I find myself exerting immense energy in a futile attempt to silence them. Concentrating for an extended duration is impossible, and I reliably forget everything I wish to remember unless I make haste to write them down. What is the point of reading a book if I fail to recall the beginning before I have even reached the end?

    Whenever I return to my job from time off, however short, a looming and wayward unease engulfs my every fibre, only to mock me for having been so dramatic as it dissipates and I settle into my environment. I know it will be back soon enough though, and my financial security is, consequently, a repetitive source of worry.

    I have an insatiable nostalgia for the past, when none of this was a reality. I remember my childhood, and my parents, and how sublime my existence was. All things held an endemic emotional flavour, vivid and alive. I would do anything to restore this state that depression tore away from me.

    I am convinced that this mental predicament is not unlike censorship or a life sentence of the worst kind. One is denied everything that makes life worth struggling through. It is unexplainably debilitating.

  • MickoBeerocket

    WOW I have bookmarked this page and my promise is, that I will read every single post. I’m so glad I found this and what it has meant to me so far just reading the first 50 posts. I can be secretly dismissive towards people who say they are depressed, I have no right and its a problem I’m working on, but I kind of think to myself ‘Oh youre just being dramatic, you might feel a bit blue, but youre not sick like me, you’ll be all better by the weekend, while there will be no change in my condition’. I guess I’ve always felt unique with my battle and the only one with it and because I have been waiting to hear someone explain it as well as I do, anyone who didn’t I just dismissed. But I should have realised earlier that a lot of people don’t like to open up about their feelings and aren’t very good at articulating it. You guys are the first peoples stories I have read that I haven’t dismissed, the way you all describe your conditions actually describe me perfectly, leaving no doubt in my mind that you are all for real and this very real monster I’ve had for 8yrs now is inside many other people. Today I also discovered that as unique as I may be I am not anywhere near as unique as I thought. I am extremely vocal about my depression journey and you would think that I would have made this self discovery before now. I’ve been told I’m not alone but comprehending it and believing it are so different, because today after reading some of these posts, there’s a community of people like me and its sad that others have it but it is nice to know that I am not alone now. I could talk to some of you and you would know what I am talking about or so desperately trying to explain. This has been many discoveries for me just from this page because no one else in my family has mental illness nor any of my friends and I have never had the cleansing freedom of venting to someone who has what I have, god bless them for trying but I feel constant frustration from people who just don’t understand and their efforts to try to help only cause me greater crippling anxiety. Ok so now I want to give you guys a description of your level to prove that this is what I have been looking for. “When I sleep, it’s only in short bursts, and its to light to ever be revitalizing, since july 2004 I have not shut off and woken fresh to start a new day, instead I have lived a continuation of the one day for 8 years now, I am never totally asleep nor ever wide awake. When I do sleep, my morning is the same devastating discovery, faced with my depressed reality and that it wasn’t all just a dream and that I am not better. I have a serious problem with all of my negative class emotions, grouping together, intensifying and going on attack. My thoughts start with thinking about how hopeless I have been already as proof that my life presently must also be hopeless, which causes a thought to come from my future self that says, 20yrs later and no better! So this sets my day up to ensure that I acknowledge and focus on how I have absolutely no hope. I wont even go into what physical responses are happening while all this endless self chatter. I look at myself as some kind of existence and my life exists in the confinds of these 4 little walls, and the world I live in is me curled up above the tiny patch of dirt under my floor below my bed. If my house is ever destroyed I will put a peg in that dirt so I know that a foot above that is where my bed was and on the bed was a guy rotting in his mind space in his tiny bedroom space, while the rest of the population is out there living life and seeing the world. I love you all for your stories and for the strength I know it takes to live with this. I respect you all so much and I have been changed for ever because of this. You think of someone said something and you knew they truly meant it, well I really hope that you all just get cured and get to have your life experience restored to the way you percieved and interpreted life before you became ill. I wish you all peace and contentment and to trust, without ever doubting, that your life is great and will always be great and that you are happy…..Properly happy. I’m Micko I’m 31

  • ABC

    I’ve been going through hell on and off since the past 2 years.I go to medical school and I’m almost done with it..and it was my own decision to enter this field.But I just can’t do it anymore..I want to leave it once and for all but in the place where I study you can’t even leave until you’ve finished your degree…its still 8-9 months more before I finally get one,and I just can’t bear the torture.I feel uninterested and down most of the time,I put on a fake smile for others but I’m always sad and I regret my decision to study medicine almost everyday since the past 2 years..and its worse knowing there is no escape for me now.I have a loving and most wonderful and understanding family,and they worry about me when I start crying all the time.I hate to be the cause of their worries and troubles.I feel I’m nothing more than a troublemaker.I can’t come to grips with the reality that I’m trapped forever..I hate myself for making such a big big mistake about my career.I don’t feel like getting out of bed,I’ve barely eaten for the past few days,I don’t even talk normally with my friends and family and I’m always crying…I don’t want to end my life because I don’t want to leave my wonderful family brokenhearted and devastated.I want to spend all my life with them..but living each day is such a task,and dying is not a solution..I don’t know what to do..I feel numb and tired and listless.I have no self confidence,I don’t know what i’m going to do with my life later..all I do is cry all the time…

  • Susan

    Wow read several of the statements on depression, and skipped down to comment 896 and realized, that I was in that state of I dont really care, and have a fear to make any decision at this point. I have an appointment to see doctor this week. I knew it was depression but never thought it was so controlling of a person’s life till now.. I cant even work due to fear that keeps me from being rational. It is like someone took over my body and it is not the me I know.. and I cant find the switch to turn it off and be me again. Thanks to all the people who have written, I dont feel so alone now…

  • Milo

    The thing that plagues me the most is that simple fact that I also have major social anxieties and border-line agoraphobia. I hate the premise behind all of the people “expressing” themselves and even the simple task of listening or remaining objectionable angers me. Every key-stroke is tearing me apart a little more. I detest the notion of me being week I have been forced to be mentally strong and physically combative for 30+ yrs now. My mental state does not coexist well with my phobias. If I feel that i need help, I can never bring myself to seek it. even my email provided is fake, this will most likely not even get posted. just another facet or phobia and a reality conflict. It’s the story of my horrid existence. I don’t mean to slam anyone directly I just get agitated that everyone is unique in their case. to generalize is ignorant, and i will snap if anyone mentions god, or anti-drug and alcohol advise. sometimes the personal motivations on a person are the only thing keeping them hanging on. god does just the opposite for me. i am anti-religion, and in being so my neighbor has told me that “god hates me” i replied “why not everyone else does. and i can say the feeling is mutual.” And of course people say that the light in life would be filled by the absence of christ….” blah , blah….what ever, I don’t need people to judge and tell me that I suck. It’s the not sucking that I need to locate. Good luck to all live free and hopefully I can find the person that I used to be.

  • Sonja

    I am 66 and have been married for 45 years. My marriage has never been a happy one as my spouse was and is still controlling. My grown married children have no children nor want any, so I will never be a grandmother. I also have no friends any more. It is too late for me to change my life. if any of you out there are under 50 and think it is over for you, it isn’t! Make a plan and do something, or you will be depressed like me and the time isn’t there to make a choice and a change. I probably meet over 50% of the depression list’s requirements to being depressed.

  • BrokenGirl91

    O and also to answer what depression feels like,

    depression feels like you are in a state of a dream 24-7 like this isnt real, i didnt drag myself to this situation, u ask urself WHY ME , u see other ppl happy laughing no problems,
    u talk to somebody and they tell u how stressed they are because they have an upcoming test and u think to urself i wd do anything to take ur place!
    depression is when u cry and cry is when u feel hopeless , u feel dead on the inside, is when u make decisions STUPID DECISIONS bcz honestly u dont care anymore, u JUST DONT CARE ANYMORE you are numb or try to be numb, you wish to turn back time, or live in a paralel universe u become distant from ppl, u dont want noone to c u in the state u r, i could go on and on but being depressed, anxious, having nervous breakdowns etc, is horrible HORRIBLE i wish i was never born and aborted.

  • BrokenGirl91

    Hello everyone PLEASE READ MY COMMENT! i found this whilst googling (drugs doesnt make me happy anymore) and I found this site,
    anyways im going to make this brief, I am 21 I have been suffering from depression since being a kid and more serious since 18
    anyways i lived through a war in the middle east bombs blastin by my house shootings dead corpses the whole nine yards, in 2007 me and my family moved to canada there my depression worsened i was away from my friends, environment i had to cop , everything was so different , at 18 i lost my virginity to a guy i barely known he used meeeeeee stoped talkin to me after he went back home (i saw him couple weeks ago and he wanted to hang out with me i said NO) anyways after that i was so broken then i met the most lovely guy who made me forget all my depression and problems i slept with him i fell in love with him, he left me cold turkey and moved away! i had an abortion from him cz he didnt want me to have the baby and i cdnt keep the baby as unmarried girl, no support nothing anw that went through , just to try and forget him i slept with 2 diff guys after him, and now i feel like a hoe! i alwaus assume i have stds and i am nothing i get flashbacks of my life back home i wish i NEVER EVER NEVERRR EVER moved i have been on lexotanil 3-4 pills a day doesnt make me happy but numb the pain a lil, my life is over i will never be happy again

    ever be happy again, i am contemplating suicide but then wonder if i die would i be happier? i am 100% sure theres something wrong with me i sometimes think if i get married and have a kid this might make me happy but then think how can i be selfish i dont know all i know is im trying to make my days pass waiting for something! waiting for what tho? i dont know maybe for death?
    sometimes i wish i can sleep forever or turn back time.
    i dont know man
    im so fd up i wd cry but my pills r stopin me .

    whoever is reading this U ARE NOT ALONE everyone around u might seem perfect and happy but theres ppl like you out there and one of them is me!
    thankss im gona go take a pill now it wd be my third today .

  • CLO

    Occasionally it crosses my mind that I could have depression and i try to think it’s just hormones but it doesn’t seem like anyone else my age is going through the same thing. Every night, when ever I get the chance, i sit on my bed and make myself cry. Usually there’s no reason for me to cry. Crying is all i ever think about and i purposely avoid sleepovers and parties so i can sit at home and cry. I never look forward to anything and even if something good happens, i don’t feel happy about it. I’m constantly worrying about things, especially in the afternoon. I worry about things I shouldn’t worry about, such as where I’m going to sit at lunch or how I’m going to greet my friends. I always take hours to fall asleep once I’m lying in bed and I constantly wake up at night. I always lock myself in my room and when ever my mum tries to make me open my door, i stay silent and leave it locked. I don’t go out on weekends anymore. I used to always walk along the beach, but now I don’t. I can no longer start good conversations and I try to avoid talking to people. Whether this is depression or not, I don’t like what I’m going through and I prefer life before this started happening.

  • David Poke

    Depression for me is like a giant mix of contradicting feelings, for example feeling as though everything is pointless and not caring about anything, and yet at the same time, worrying about everything from my career and family down to if I’m going to remember to buy bread an milk.

    The pain is like that of grief, like the feeling of having your heart broken, or losing a very close family member, only you don’t know why you feel like this.

    Personally, along with all this, I deal with feelings of self loathing, hating every decision I make, every word I speak to someone, everything about myself, but also, I hate so much of the world, I hate how people can have such differences in opinions, differences in preferences, and how people can be so ignorant, yet still have opinions of things they know little
    Or nothing about (not just about depression but any topic).

    For
    Me, instead of having a little black dog, or a grey cloud over me, I have a guy standing in the corner of every room, twirling his cane, just staring at me with a cocky look on his face. And if he ever sees me smiling, or forgetting I’m depressed, he kind of tirs a me as is to say “hey, remember who you are, your not aloud to do that”. He looks a bit like that guy from a clock work orange.

    Also in my experience, when a depressed person start writing on these posts, they easily forget how much theuve gin on for, so on a final note, I wouldn’t wish depression on my worst enemy, it’s an awful
    Thing to live with

  • Sun

    I always feel the need to be forgotten. Like I want to go away from everyone I’ve ever known because it seems like theres no other choice as if I’m at the end of my rope. I come back for a while and it all seems fine but every few days or weeks or months I find myself at the edge again..

  • Anonny

    My depression stalks me like a ghost, and when I begin to worry, it strikes hard, swift, and relentlessly never releasing me, until today, I feel fine, which is why I found out I have severe depression. Life just didn’t matter. I wasn’t trying in what I should have been and that would make me more depressed, the only solution to the problem was xbox where I could have the time of my life and forget about my troubles… That went too far and I became addicted. I finally got over xbox and now I want to get my life back together, but I don’t really know how… slowly I’m learning, but its just so hard. I think I’m going to be needing some anti-depressants or something… when depression takes you its out of fucking control. I’m going to tell you how fucking bad it is just so if you feel the same way you know you’re not alone and you can get help. When I wake up in the morning, I don’t want to fucking get up at all, everything just pisses me off and I don’t want to do anything. I just wander around like a fucking dead zombie with no personality, but I want to have a personality so bad. Depression just takes you like a rip-tide and carries you away faster than you can say holy shit… You’re pretty much dead inside and it just fucks you up, it feels like the worst drug you’ve ever taken, and you feel regret for nothing. The worst part about depression is it hits you like a ton of bricks. But you don’t even know it hits you until you have another break through. If you somehow stumble upon this and you don’t have depression, I just want to let you know how fucking lucky you are, I don’t mean to look for pity, but depression is just that bad that I have to say that. I honestly could explain depression from my POV forever, but I’m finished now and I just want to get anti- depressants before it hits me again. It’s so scary I fear for anyone with depression. It’s one of the worst things I’ve ever experienced and I’m glad its over, for now… I really want to make it stop, I just try and try, but I feel like I fuck everything up, even if I don’t. I’m done now, I’m glad to have gotten all of that out of my system.

  • Rachael

    Depression is just wanting everything to stop. I keep going through life not for myself but for the other people who would notice if I didn’t show up. For me, I don’t want to kill myself but I kind of want to die just to put an end to this feeling. I don’t want to die, not really. I just want the feeling to be over because the numbness that comes from the emptiness inside is worse than actual pain.

  • Rachael

    To me, it feels like I’m empty inside. Like there is no fight left in me. I find myself constantly picturing myself being grabbed by the hair and thrown headfirst against a wall again and again and again. I always just bounce off and get thrown back against it. But it feels like can’t react and I can’t breathe.

  • Robin Grosch

    So glad I don’t feel alone….I have had depression for fifteen years, have lost many in my family and had times of great successes….i am in my final year of college and 37 with four kids but the last two months have been horrid….i feel so lost, alone and like honestly no one gives a crap about me and that i am a burden to everyone. of course to them depression is something that can just be shrugged off but i don’t think i have ever felt this helpless and hopeless in my life…….

  • Cassidy

    It feels like your not wanted, like everything you do is such a disappointment. Everyone has different feelings. It’s like your trapped in a dark hole, trying to get out but getting nowhere. You don’t really talk to anyone. You feel disgusted and sometimes don’t eat. some listen to sad music. It feels hard to breathe and like time is going so slow. It feels like your everyones disappoitment.

  • BB

    It feels like nothing is worth effort; nothing is worth the work of focusing, planning and executing action of any kind at all. And after 10 years I am used to doing nothing about anything important. My body has adjusted to fit the demands of my mind, and it’s not a flattering look. I see no possibility of change. Reading this list, I found myself frozen, staring at a word as my mind raced to carefully “carry” the meaning of the sentence into the delicate, ridiculous parts of my mind that understand (or refuse to understand, for fear of spontaneous combustion) such things. I had to compute it slowly; let it sink in. So maybe all this is called depression. So maybe I’m what could be called depressed. I even know, even this quickly, what I should do about it. I should exercise every day. I used to walk every day, before 10 years ago. I should cut out my addictions, fast food, junk food, sugar, and eat more vegetables than anything else. Just these three things would probably change my life. I would be smaller, I would attract a mate, I would be more “approachable” to people for possible friends, outings, and adventures. I would have fun. I would have things to look forward to. I would feel better and look better and be better because I wouldn’t be such a drag. I would get everything done that I had to get done or needed to get done, without the cloud of resentment and annoyance hanging over me. It would all feel effortless. Decisions would be easier because everything would have a clear reason and “place” in the flow of a day. And yet even as I type these last words, I am suddenly nauseous and I want to stop thinking about it. Effortless. Every excuse in the world is popping into my head, now. My addicted brain is sensing something new; a threat to it’s chemical comfort level. Effortless. Anything is worth that, right? Even if it doesn’t feel good at first? So why haven’t I started? Why am I shrinking away from it even now? “No, no, that’s not for me, it’s just not for me.”

    But it wouldn’t all be great, right? I wouldn’t suddenly know how to get along with people. Or keep my “intensity” in check when I talk. Or anger. (My mom used to lecture me on “The difference between assertive and aggressive”. It is to her credit that I even remember the title.) I read “This is How” and had a similar reaction. This is where I am and who I am and how I am. At this moment. Will I still be how I am skinny? I fear that I will and I fear that I will have nothing to hide in, then. There will be more people around to hide from, and create subterfuges for, and that will be hard to juggle. There will be more opportunities to screw it all up. To hurt people, to be hurt by people. I have hurt enough people. I have been hurt enough by people. If I get skinny I get rid of my cave. I will have be socially normal; have people over to my home, go out to public places to eat and drink, get physically close, and obviously if I (gag) get romantic with someone, well that’s just a minefield of fun. If I get skinny and un-depressed, then I won’t have to hide it from people. That’s the only way. Do they happen together?

    And to return to the previously skipped over statement, maybe I’m depressed. I feel resentful even of the label. Even if it is right. Does the cause matter? I don’t know the cause but even if I did, what can I possibly do about past actions and consequences? What can go back and change or fix? What can I do about it? Nothing. Not a damned thing. So this is who I am. Do I have a choice in who I am? In how I am? Or am I simply dragged around by the hair through chemical interactions in my brain? I’ll probably order a pizza tonight. Because when I think about making different choices, I think sure I can do that. But when the very next choice comes along, I don’t even consider not making the same choice I made last Sunday evening. I want pizza. I want it. I crave it as soon as I think about it. And so my mind skips ahead to tomorrow; I’ll change my choices tomorrow. Same about trying to cut back on coffee. Same with many other things that don’t exactly enhance my life force. I am avoiding and denying. Resisting. Except that what I am resisting is my life force. I am squashing it and twisting it and killing it.

    I hate realizing that I hate myself enough to destroy myself and my life experience.

  • Rose

    Goddess forgive me. I have lived in the stupor of depression for most of my life, probably from the age of 5 years old, when abruptly in a car ride I realized how virulently my mother hated my existence. In retrospect, it was not her fault, it was the way of her mother, and the mother before her. An endless cycle of neglect and tepid feelings. Not to mention the tempestuous relationship my father and she had back then, and still do at times to this day. Truly I don’t think she warmed up to me until I was of drinking age. Youth and puberty were no peach, either. Obviously as a result of early rejection from a mother figure, sexual abuse from an older sister, and a mild math disability added up to a complete lack of ability to interact with other children within normal parameters. Tons of fun. I still struggle to grasp and understand social cues to this day. Those friends I did make in youth were not the ones someone as vulnerable as I should have, manipulative, needy, controlling. It was not until I met my husband and his friends that I understood how I should be treated by others, with respect and kindness rather than derision and humiliation. Which was clearly “all in fun.” Even now I still have difficulty hanging on to people. They drift because I cannot express myself properly. Unless I’m drunk, albeit rarely. It would be too easy for me to become one. For years I’ve attempted the “Fake it till you make it” approach, pretending to be happy, or responding properly, when all else lacks. A mirthful face is easier to behold then a melancholy one, I suppose. It’s what I’ve done my entire life. I don’t let people in, and surely as I breathe I bottle everything inside me. I vacillate between anxiety, rage, and despair. I cannot stop myself from remembering every awful thing I’ve ever done or experienced in the quiet moments of life. Life is meaningless, as it has always been. We are born to propagate, and eventually die. No more, no less. Everything else is up to us. Which in turn makes the whole depression aspect of my life silly, do I truly choose to do this to myself? Then again, it is impossible to choose one’s emotions, with few exceptions. I’m terrified of death, though I would welcome it’s release. I sometimes dream of suicide, but know myself too cowardly to follow through. I’ve only tried twice, and pitiful attempts at that. Slitting my wrists the wrong way in a bathtub, thankfully no-one was home and my boss called me in to work that day. Secondly, using a yardstick to press down on the trigger of my father’s shotgun. Had it not been for the sight of my father, who is quite the size of a Kodiak bear, riding a tiny tiny lawnmower in the yard that day to make me laugh, I feel that particular attempt would have been much more successful. I haven’t tried since, though times I may still wish for it. The world is hollow and empty, I’m forgetful as F**K, and increasingly I find every day a little more difficult to wake up for. I have no purpose, no direction, like a small rudderless skiff in the quay of life, simply buffeted on by the stream rather than choosing movement myself. Everything is a pantomime, with the exception of the love that I have for my husband, though I fear that one day that too will be sucked into the emptiness of my core. I thought as I grew older these things would eventually grow less, but if anything they have become larger, squeezing what little enjoyment I have left. I increasingly see the world for what it is: a soul-sucking waste of time, with no rhyme or reason behind it. Jobs that fritter away our waking hours, giving us tokens to be squirreled away in fear the next big thing is coming. Even if one is without work, without money one cannot truly enjoy themselves. Free time is not free. We waste hours worrying over whether or not we will be able to keep our jobs, if we’ve done enough, while others do little and survive, is puzzling at best, and maddening at worst. Existence is reason, but there is no reason for it, so to speak. I fear most if this disease would be communicated to any future progeny. My husband would love to have children, but I hesitate because of my inadequacies as a human being. I know not to follow the example of my mother, but I also know I am easily defeated and lazy. I hate conflict. I sound smart, but truly I know nothing. I cannot even stand the thought of becoming closer with my mother in law, though she desperately wants it. I do not know how to communicate with her. She is everything I am not, church-going, child loving, and prude. We have similarities in our kindness and self deprecation, but I am brassy and loud where she is meek and mild-mannered. I love to drink with friends and family, and she hates it. Honestly, I don’t know how to deal with a mother figure without a few drinks in me. I don’t trust her, though I know I should. She’s too darn nosy and fussy and it irritates the f**k out of me. She keeps her distance, but I know that those needs lurk in the back of her mind, just as my husband’s need to be a father lurks in the back of his. I know I should trust more in people, but I’ve been burned in the past and the retarded stump of my emotions can’t quite seem to get over it. Sometimes I believe it’s a mixture of PTSD and depression, but it doesn’t really matter anyway. Nothing does. I know routine matters, and having checklists, and excersize and all of that happy crappy bullshit is supposed to make you feel better, but it’s really a distraction. Just like books, television, and drinking is. Nothing escapes the Void. And I’m just tired. I keep thinking I want to go “home,” but clearly I am in that selfsame place. I think its an idealized place, really, where all of this bullshit just fades away, and I am finally at peace with myself and the world. To breathe a peaceful moment without need for distraction. To not feel the anxiety about what looms ahead. And the feckall of it is I could never say all of this to a therapist. I clam up, like I always do. I forget what I really want or need to say, instead I just mumble answers to their sad probing questions like a goddamn robot. I am not nearly as eloquent in speech as I am on paper and it’s bleeding frustrating. I’ll never be better. I’ll never wake up. I’ll never be home. FML

  • Sam

    It’s being in denial about everything, not even telling yourself you have “depression” and you feel guilt ridden for it. It’s like everything is in slow motion but going so rapidly and you don’t know what to do. When you close your eyes you see black, but you keep praying to see a darker black that will never come. It’s infinite sadness.

  • q

    The angst gnaws at me, devours. It tears, scratches and claws me inside out.
    I feel like my brain is boiling.
    My brain never turns off, never switches off.
    I am burning from the inside, but my face shows no emotion.

    This is one of my childhood memories; I stare at myself in the mirror, for many hours. I do not recognise myself. I know I’m lost somewhere, there, very deep inside this person in the mirror. The face in the mirror is like a mask. No one knows me, not truly.

    I feel like an empty, lost vessel. There’s a void inside me and nothing or no one will never fill it up. It’s not pleasant zen-like emptiness. This vessel is not touched by anything, it just floates through time and space.

    I’ve always felt like missing for someone or some place or time which doesn’t exist. I know, no matter where I would go, I’ll never get rid off myself. How I long to lose myself and the constant thinking!
    I feel I have no home.

    I would much rather have cancer or something deadly disease to eat me up and finish me off. In an instant I would trade places with someone who is sick and give this body of mine to them to live in.
    I’ve always felt old, used and tired. So don’t tell me that ‘I’m still young’. I don’t know what being ‘young’ is about. I look as sick as I feel. I’m pale and blue under eye circles.

    Year after year my feelings, emotional and physical, become more bland and watered down. I have a high pain threshold. I have difficulties receiving orgasms with partner. Usually just brutal sex does it for me. I have head aches and migraine. I have eczema on my hands when stressed which I am very easily. Taking care of myself is difficult, since after all, I know I will die.

    I can’t see a future, it’s just a blank shapeless thing I have no control over. No matter what I do, I can’t chance anything.

    Food is something I try to fill this void of mine with. I gain weight, I am an obnoxious, shapeless thing, I feel horrible and guilty. Nothing ever looks good on me, all clothes are like wearing potato sacks. I never understand why someone complements my appearances. After all, it’s just surface. I’ve always been clumsy and akward. I wish I could tear myself out of my skin and body, fly like a bird away.

    I get easily fixated at things for hours, but lose interest very quickly. I’ve had many hobbies, studied many things. I have no degree or profession yet, since I’ve dropped out of school. I’m in school right now but it seems pointless to try too hard.

    All my night time dreams are about running and hiding, in warzone fields or empty towns. Or being trapped in a moving vehicle, which I have no control over. Being shot at with a gun, bleeding to death. Drowning in a deep, blue cool sea, this is not unpleasant thou. Turning into an amphibian animal and swimming away. Many times I wake up crying. I sleep a lot.

    I hope there would be a place, not in life or not in death but somewhere in between.
    I do not wish for death, but I’m not good at this living-thing either.
    I understand people who commit suicide to get away, or abuse alcohol, drugs etc. to fill this void in them.

    I see a psychologist once a week. But all it seems to be talk talk and talk. What ever exercises I do with her won’t fill this void. She is nice and means good for me, I know that. Sometimes I just would like to scream at her that this is just wasting time. But after all, time is all I got. I’m not going no where fast. It took so much energy and daring to reach out for someone but I’m not happy with this either.

    I need to be on medication, I know this for sure since I’ve once been on medication once, for a year, but seems like a long time ago now. Like a completely different life, on a different planet. When I had to quit this medication, I knew all this empty black shit would come back and it has. It just proves all this is just chemical inbalance of the brain as long as I remember I’ve been like this.

  • Bernice

    After 40 years of depression and mood swings, I recently realized a VERY important thing…

    There is a difference between Depression and a PANIC ATTACK!

    In the throes of a Panic, I feel completely overwhelmed…

    I cannot focus myself, calm down my mind OR body, become “motivated” by cajoling, pep-talking, promising myself rewards, etc. or FUNCTION at all!

    I am literally at the mercy of being stuck in mental glue and free-falling emotionally and physically.

    For 40 years, I suffered DEPRESSION because I beat myself up over my inability to accomplish even the smallest goal while under the weight of a Panic Attack…

    FINALLY, I found that Panic Attacks are, for the most part, BRIEF “Flare-Ups”- (Comparatively so, as in contrast to “Chronic” Depression which can last days, weeks, months and Years-) and that if I can “Weather” these Storms, I can pick myself up and continue LIVING!

    When I am suffering with a Panic Attack now, I’ve learned to just CUT MYSELF SOME SLACK-

    If all I can do is sleep… then that is what I do.

    If I feel like I need to scream… I do. (privately-)

    If nothing “productive” gets done during this time… So be it!

    After 40 years, I now know that the Panic will come and go, but remind myself of the fact that they Do GO… and that I Can and DO accomplish some pretty amazing things when my mind and body feel more “Up”!

    The Depression is less frequent and less severe when I realize that-

    Hope this helps you as well!!!

  • Alexis

    I dream of death. But believe it or not, there not nightmares. There the best dreams i’ve ever had. I dream of taking my last step off the edge of that tall new york building. Not falling, but gliding. Forgetting all that sad miserable sleepless nights. No more sadness. Forever sleeping. And im not screaming or crying, but smiling. For once in my sad life im smiling. Im happy. Its all over. All the pain and misery is over. No more hurt. Maybe for that small second as i hit the ground may be painful, but thats nothing compared to the whole in my heart i’ve had my whole life. Then bam, its all over. I can rest forever now. Then i wake up, wishing i never did. When dreams become reality..

    • Riya

      I know ho that feels… I feel like when allthis time I felt I was something I was wrong… Wrong about everything it feels so sick. The only thing that stops me is the fact that somewhere in this world there is aomeone who might love me and if I kill myself Ill be too selfish. That is all that keeps me alive. Thinking that it’s better to leave a good memory of myself before I go so that people won’t just forget me… They’ll want to be a bit like me. See i am no psychologist or pphyllosopher i’d just like to stay that don’t do anything for anyone… Just do it for urself

  • James

    When depressed I see everything including myself as superficial, when everything is superficial doing things which would normally make myself feel good would make me feel worse as I’m exerting my mind which has a very low capacity when depressed and feels physically incapable of sustained effort. Short bouts of depression are easy to look past using hope, with longer bouts hope becomes hard to reason into to the ‘superficial’ world.

  • Omar

    I see that most people are describing their experiences. But they are not typical Depression symptoms what people are saying is called Depersonalization,living in a dream state feeling like a zombie. Having no feelings and things like that. I have Depersonalization Depersonalization for about a 1,5 year now. Never searched help and I don’t want to either,to scared to face the truth.. But we have to hang on.

  • Tom

    p.s. Once it passes, you might have the same thoughts just out of habit. Your brain gets locked into thinking like that. But the thoughts will have lost their power and soon, even they will pass.

  • Tom

    I was mildly depressed for several years and when my mother died, it only got worse. The worst part was that all but one of my friends whom I loved, didn’t seem to care. I can definitely remember the feeling that nothing mattered. But I have good news. When it passes (it will), I can look back on those years and it turns out that all those thoughts, all that weight, the anger, everything about it. THAT is what doesn’t matter anymore. Once it passes. You will look back on it and not only will it be gone, it will have made you a stronger person. Calmness and serenity awaits! You might even remember your dreams and goals that you stopped thinking and caring about. And you’ll be able to move on them.

    Just hold on.

  • mike

    I’ve been feeling like I was going crazy and was becoming insane, after reading these it just seems like a normal experience from depression.

    Although the fact my doctor questioned me about symptoms relating to schizophrenia (I don’t have any), but this only bolstered my concerns about insanity.

    Although I do suffer from anxiety and I’m parranoid of being insane which normally causes me to by hyper-sensitive to optical illusions (E.g. a door handle which the screws, handle and keyhole looks like a face), the same way a child would be affraid of shadows and darkness if they thought there was a monster in the room… although any sane adult would know they don’t exsist. Mental problems are very much real which can cause these illusions to scream “Insanity” because you’re simply affraid seeing them will imply you’re insane… the illusions are always there you just need to be in a certain phase of mind to notice them.

    Thinking you’re going insane will only make you notice things linking to insanity more often or in other words “It’s all in the mind”.

    I probably sound pretty insane right not but meh… The main point here is the more you worry about something the more real it will seem.

    Depression is horrible, it can feel like you’re locked inside the prison of your own mind with no way out. Constanly being torchered by negative feelings and the only way out is just to completely switch off to your self and external world. Your dreams and passions are destroyed and you are unmotivated to even carry out subjects and hobbys of great personal interest, the more you try to overcome it the more depressed you feel after failure of progressing into the bright world your mind has decided to block out.

    Depression is torcher… but it can be overcome with a change to your state of mind. the more you feel like you’ve failed because a quick fix didn’t work the worse your depression can become, you need to take it slowly and be enthusiastic you’re doing right otherwise it will just end with more negatives.

  • lucid dreaming

    First you will have a loud ringing around my ear, usually with
    a sort of visceral humming sensation in my head as I’m coming out of a wish. I’ll recognize immediately that I’m no more dreaming understanding that, much to my exasperation, I must snap myself out of yet one more episode connected with sleep paralysis. It’s difficult for me to just relax in addition to drift back to sleep because if I try how the ringing as well as buzzing receive too intense for me to take care of, so My partner and i focus because hard when i can to maneuver something basic, like my fingers. I ought to concentrate simply because otherwise it could feel such as I’m moving however in reality it truly is just the “dream body” relocating, so I can concentrate upon my authentic, physical body and precisely how it thinks. It’s normally hard to see here, too, my eyesight blurs throughout and out as i fight in order to regain awareness. Eventually my body will form of jerk from paralysis all at one time and Now i am free along with awake. However, this is if your vivid hallucinations start out and generally last for some minutes before slowly vanishing as my own brain regains its wait reality. The hallucinations are generally kind involving terrifying as well as bizarre, and EXTREMELY convincing because they appear to interact with actuality surroundings effectively. Throughout the entire experience, including the main hallucination point, sometimes Now i am overcome having a very sturdy sense regarding danger along with terror, even though I know I’m not in any real distress and this what I am just feeling and also seeing is merely simple slumber paralysis. These emotions are caused by increased brain activity as well as can’t definitely be governed, but the idea fades fairly quickly and also afterwards Now i am never shaken or scared from the memories simply because I realized all along exactly what it was.

  • Erica

    When I was 13, I started battling depression. (self-diagnosed.) A boy that I fell completely in love with broke my heart and I got into a very dark place in my life. I didn’t want to get out my of bed to see his face during school, I would close my door and cry every night over the reasons that swirled through my head. “Your worthless, your nothing. Noone cares about YOU. NO ONE likes you, who would?” and I would just not wanna live each day anymore. All I ever wanted to do was at least be alone. I didn’t want to socialize a lot with my family and friends, outside of school at least. I had to deal with this alone forever because I was too afraid if I told someone they would think I need help, I just needed someone to vent to, to tell my problems to. I just hope you all know your not alone. There are people in the dark shadows just like you.

  • J

    I crave so much to be able to take a walk down the street with a clear head and naively think of irrelevant things. I miss pondering ideas and thoughts. I miss being able to love me, love my friends love my decisions and plans. I miss my interests and hobbies, I miss being creative. I miss being able to have a conversation with somebody without worrying that I have nothing to say. I miss tasting food, listening to music, looking at art, reading and sitting in front of the television. I miss feeling blue actually, I miss being down for a reason knowing I had things to cheer me up; knowing I had an amazing boyfriend to see, amazing family to talk to and friends to laugh with. I miss missing people and craving to see them. I miss being excited that I didn’t have a clue what the future had for me instead of predicting a mundane life. I know I’d rather die than feel like this, I’d love to slip into a coma and wake up with the bliss of being content. Being content is so underrated. However I know giving up is wrong, letting this thing inside of me win isn’t acceptable. Some may refuse medication in fear of the side effects were as I’d rather have every side effect then feel so incredibly numb. I can see this slowly, ever so slowly moving out of me. Before now depression was just a word were as now I truly know the meaning and when I feel normal again I’m going to truly enjoy the sweet and sometimes you can’t do that without tasting the bitter.

  • Andrew

    I have only felt like I wanted to kill myself once during my lifetime and that was when I was in 8th grade. At the time my dad, as a professional consultant was never home, and when he was he drank heavily. As a young child this upset me so much because all I wanted to do was hang out with my dad who had been in China for 3 months and was only down in Florida for 2 weeks before he had to go to China again. I eventually cried it out and told myself that it is never worth it to kill yourself only to prove the world that your better than what it can offer you sometimes.

    Throughout 9th-11th grade I became pretty popular in high school and was well known. However I felt like I always lived in a dream. School was so hard to concentrate in because it didn’t seem to serve a purpose. Worst of all my parents put me in all AP (college) classes and everything went in one ear and out the other. I had to FORCE myself to concentrate, its pathetic and sad. However the Insomnia state that I was at somehow made me feel empowered. I felt like because nothing was real that I was powerful. When I asked my friends if they ever felt like nothing was real none could agree with me. For some reason during my 9th-11th grade experience I felt like I had superpowers lol, I could get along with ANYBODY you name it and I could feel peoples Auras….I don’t know but I could.
    Eventually in 11th grade during the end of the year I met a girl and my life seemed to change. I was ALWAYS happy and nothing seemed to bring me down.

    After our relationship ended I had a hard time, I treated her so special, lost my virginity to her that I saved for someone special, and made sure she was always taken care of. She always tried to make me jealous and I wouldn’t fall for it until it affected our relationship…I was so scared to lose her that I forced myself to become a jealous person. Ive never lost anything in my life that I’ve worked towards because I want to prove to life that I can do anything. Eventually I lost though and on our anniversary she left to key west with her co-workers and forgot about me. I literally cried in the shower and my heart felt like it hit by a bus, thrown in a blender, eaten by birds, shitted out, then lit on fire. Worst of all she wasn’t even attractive and I was. In the end I lost who I was and I really wanted to be cool and be able to vibe with people again.

    Entering the world again, single was hard. I couldn’t get along with my friends how I used to so I developed methods. I took a supplement called N.O. explode and it made my head cloudy again for the first time. My acute thinking and sharping imagination was still their i was just energized since its an energy drink. Since I realized it made my heart stop hurting because I was thinking so much about the relationship I started to take more and more and more, eventually the whole bottle of about 30 servings. By this point my head became filled with a giant hurricane.

    Now I realized I made a stupid ass mistake and I’m paying for it. I try to be productive as possible, gym, basketball, baseball, you name it I do it. I can sometimes feel a little smart and sharp but nothing compared to how I used to feel, probably 1/50th of how I use to feel I really have to focus and realize what I have to do in order to feel good. I try to stay organized, reduce incoming sounds, reduce drugs, reduce negative feelings, anything that may draw extra energy out of my brain that doesn’t need to be used when its already on 110% overdrive.

  • tinytin

    Dropped out again. I’ve become a shut-in at home and a complete drain on my parents.

    Most of the negative feelings and uncertainty have morphed into a sort of apathy, but the crying fits still come, and when they do it’s horrible, there’s so much guilt. I’m supposed to be an adult now but I’ve never felt this immature.

    I’ll never actually try killing myself, but my family would have been so much better off if I had never existed. I’m sorry.

  • Kenny

    Depression for me started after a real bad panic attack from smoken pot. i have done a tone of different drugs and smoked cigs and pot from the age of 15, im 23 now and i had the panic attack back in February of this year and wound up in the ER. I have been 100% clean since then,even quit cigs and drinking. At first though it started as really bad anxiety and i could not be alone or go anywhere for a good 3 months. Then for the month of May, it turned into strong depersonalization and derealization. Nothing seemed real and i had terrifying thoughts that are hard to explain. The depersonalization made my panic attacks stop though, but id take those anyday over what i was feeling. Beginning of June, end of May, I decided i had enough, and looked up ways to get better, everyone who has recovered from this did it the same way. I am now takeing vitamin D and B, working out 4 days a week, 1 hour each session, and i do Tia Chi in the morning. Plus i go out to get interaction with the world. I make progress every day, an its only been a few weeks. I am no where near 100% again, hell, I’m not even 50% better, but I’m trying. I get thoughts that come and go of feeling like everything is pointless. I finally know I’m real again and that my thoughts aren’t rational. I still can’t feel joy or happy, but i force smiles and know when i should be… I am going to keep fighting, I will recover, without med’s, i feel it 🙂 Keep your head up everyone, and may God bless you all. There is a lot of life to live and we can enjoy it again.

  • melissa

    Every single thing takes effort, even smiling. Laughter is foreign to me, and when I see others laughing I wonder how. The world around me is resistant like being under water, every sense is dulled. Smell, sight, taste, touch, all dull and foggy Nothing gives me pleasure, there is nothing that can make me happy. It is such a strain to keep trying to pretend and it gets harder to put on this act every day.. I want to crawl under the blankets on my bed and stay there and hope I never wake up, because it all seems so hopeless any way.

  • Just a Blah

    I’ve lost count now about how many days in a row I cry. I’ve also lost count about how many times I’ve thought about ending it all by taking my life. I don’t even matter to myself, let alone anyone else and my days just seem more and more hopeless. I watch the clock for nightfall….because then it’s time to take my sleeping pill…and I just want to get the day over with already, but I don’t want to take my Ambien too soon because then I’ll wake up in the middle of the night and stare at the walls-and only wish that I was back asleep again. I can’t sleep without them-I’ve tried and stayed up days straight like a zomby even more miserable. I keep telling myself that I wont ever really kill myself-no matter how much I think about it because I have two grown kids-and what the example that I would be. By the way-only one of my kids would probably even care. I’m so alone. I hold on to my faith in God with the promise of the grain of mustard seed. I try to be strong and each day that I’m alive I know that’s exactly what I am. I did a google on “What does it mean to cry?” and I found this depression area. I’m depressed? Really? Go figure.

  • rob

    all my hopes dreams, all the thing i once admired about my self are gone, i spend alot of time thinking back to the times when i was happy but it only makes me feel worse, i feel like im waststing my life away. this is no way to live. sleeping is like a drug i use it to escape reality, i once was an athlete with a competitive personality now im 22 years old and i feel like an old man, my brain feels like its rotting away in my head . im in a constant fog if all this continues ond day i will find my self on my death bed feeling sorry for my miserable pointless pathetic life i pray but i it feels like god has left me because i have no love for anyone how can you love another when you cant evan love yourself i hold on to the hope that this pain and sadness will be lifted and can live life until that day comes i just survive

  • Vera

    I feel all of the above, i feel so alone all the time even though there is people around me most of the time, but i feel no one can understand, i cry most of the time uncontrolable, i just wish this would all end, if i have to live like this the rest of my life, i prefer not to live, i have been like this since the early 1990’s. Can anyone tell me, does this ever stop?

  • jessica

    it’s a burning consuming feeling of nothingness. its like an ache in your stomach yearning to take over and leaving you immbalised. a thick black smog around your head making everything fuzzy so you just feel you are floating. but you dont feel like you are light. you feel heavy and stuck. floating around yet anchored down at the bottom of the sea. and you just want to scream. but your scream feels silent. your body inside is screaming. you are pleaing to be free yet at the same time all you can do is be.

  • Elize

    Depression is a lot of things, and none of them are pleasant. First I lost my faith in any higher power, then I lost my faith in everything. It is as if the depression slowly and very subtly invades your life & robs you of all the certainty, happyness, greatness, love and hope you’ve onced felt .. and believed in. Only to leave you with an ocean of nothingness to drown in, guilt because you can’t swim faster or would need help and pain as the water fills your lungs. And as everything becomes a little darker, you lose yourself a little more. Getting up is hard, caring is hard, trying not to be completely irritated by everything is nearly impossible. And as I wander through these empty fields, I wonder how anyone’s ever managed to overcome this absolute despair. But I’ll keep walking…what else is there to do, really, except for the unspeakable?

  • Andres

    I recently turned 18 and finished high school, and I’m going to Vtech this fall for college. It all started two months ago when I started feeling like I wasn’t good enough, so I decided I wanted to change. I started telling myself I needed to be more social to combat my social awkwardness. The thing is, trying to change my personality gave me a lot of stress; it made me feel like I was going crazy. For 2 weeks I felt a lot of stress and anxiety in my head. I finally started talking about it to my parents, and nearly all of the stress, anxiety and fear went away. But the last couple weeks, I feel really down/depressed. My mind’s in a daze, I have trouble concentrating and focusing, etc. Sometimes I just really sad and worthless. I don’t think I’m completely depressed yet, but I’m starting to feel some symptoms. I just want to feel better again and enjoy my summer!

  • Lydia

    Don’t give up. Wait it out. Call out to God and in the midst of darkness he does hear.

    I cried until I cried enough, until all i could coax out of me was a whisper… I ran as if I could run away from all my troubles and responsibilities.
    The murky darkness seeps into your veins, and cripples you, sucking you into this black void, swallowing you whole, leaving you nothing but endless hopelessness. The feeling of being unable to breathe, that you’re drowning in a deep ocean, looking up at the sun above the water… longing to BREATHE!! to be UP there, but your feet are shackled to the depths.

    for me, praying helped. and writing. I could not get out of bed if i did not pray. i talked to God and myself and pushed myself to go to work. to get up! one baby step at a time. i decided if i could not concentrate at work, i will concentrate on ONE task a day and if possible TWO. I was underperforming, but i had no choice. I prayed to a God i wasn’t sure existed. but i prayed about everything i did. and convinced myself to step forward. it has been 2 years. and finally i see some improvement in my life. I still pray over everything. to say, i found God, i’m not sure. But i draw strength from him now. where once i had no confidence in myself, i now tell myself i am doing this for him. and he knows i tried my best, even if it was terrible. I was at a place where i had nothing to lose. If he did not exist, my life was ruined anyway. people around me who never knew any better put me down and said nasty and discouraging things. it made me feel worthless and ashamed to be who i am. i prayed everyday that i will get through this day. one day at a time. i also prayed that God would heal me of emotional scars of the past, and am learning to LOVE MYSELF again so that i can love people again. slowly, i am picking myself up again.

  • Feeling Terrible

    “Terrible” is a word I often use (mostly in my head) to define how I feel. My boyfriend is amazing beyond belief. More supportive & caring than any man I’ve ever been with. I am so far into depression that I feel like my love for him, as well as my love for my daughter, is waning. Not because of them, but because it feels so hard to love. Like a chore to fake/muster up those feelings. He’s got 2 beautiful kids & I have to force myself to smile at them. The good happy loving feelings are leaving me & I hate it so bad. At my best (when I’m NOT depressed) I light up a room & give & give & give my heart to those I love (family & friends). Good god I want this so stop plaguing me. I used to write poetry as a teenager. Angsty crap, but I do remember describing my depression as a metaphor. It crawled up my back, whispered i.to my ear, sunk its clawst into me & dragged me down into depths no one else could see. I am there again, this time deeper than it ever has been. I’ve a fear I’m ruining my relationship with my man & I cant have that. We are so deeply in love thaf its like we are the same person. Like we share the same skin. But right now I’m so depressed I can barely muster the energy to smile, and now sometimes I dont. And my daughter….. Thats another story. I cry inside constantly for her, my heart aches. She lives with her other parent. I gave birth to her, fed her from my own body (breastfed for 1 year), was a GOOD stay at home mom (not lazy, we did all kinds of fun, healthy things), I chose her preschool, made every me she ate, etc. And now shes gone. And not for any good reaso., I’ve never been arrested, didnt abuse her or my ex, nothing. I had an affair (man I’m with now) & allowed my ex to handle the divorce when he learned I’d had an affair. I was so ignorant & naive that I actually believed my ex was being fair in the divorce. My daughter is a beautiful, amazi.g perso. & doesn’t deserve an idiot like me. My poor child… My poor man… My heart used to swell every day when I simply thlught of their smiles. Depression has eroded that down. I want so badly to be back to normal. It is killing me. For months I thought of dying every day. All kimds of ways. Peeling my skin off with a knife. Blowing my brains out with a rifle. My scraps of skull & brain stuck on the wall behind my corpse. But those thoughts dont occur nearly as often, wbicb is a relief but also scary, like a calm before a storm. Those thoughts have been replaced lately with thoughts/acts of self mutilation. I’ve only physically hurt myself 3 seperate occasions, the 3rd being a few minutes ago. Nails shoved hard into my arm. Slight bruising & scabs. Just tonight I was asked by my boyfriend what those marks are. I hesitated to answer, a.d then I said softly, “My nails, theyre from my nails” but I dont think he heard me because he gave no reaction. I so have lack of sleep, sex drive is signifigantly lowered, even super happy fun times are not as fun & the happiness is shortlived. I feel awkward, out of place… Absolutely not myself. I need help so bad.

  • christine

    i don’t know if i am experiencing depression but i am experiencing some of the signs.it is affecting my relationship with my boyfriend already. i am always crying without reason. i wanted to fight depression because i know its just starting.

  • Pixie

    I feel like I am on heavy narcotics. I move and talk extremely slow- on the off chance that I do. (My thoughts are rapid, due to my anxiety. This leads to erratic irritability.)
    Thankfully, because I don’t leave my bed or computer often, I don’t have to move or talk too much.

    Anti-depressants don’t help, as they intensify the zombie-like state, so I’m pretty much screwed. :3

    Oh and I don’t sleep. I just can’t.

  • Mar

    For me depression feels like there is a hole in my chest right where my heart should be. A physical ache that sometimes makes it hard to breathe.

    There are days when the numbness sets in and you are walking around like you are invisible, and you are not part of the living world, just observing.

    Then there are the days when you feel like you are painted red and all eyes are on you, the paranoia kicks in which just feeds into the negative thoughts. It can feel like everything is heightened, and just having a mundane conversation is too much.

    Depression is horrible, and I wouldn’t wish it on anyone. I think that unless you have had it, you cannot understand the constancy of it. That you might feel fine for 23 hours in the day, but have one bad hour, and this then defines the day.

    That can’t possibly think that you have ever felt better, and you cannot see a way out, even if you were feeling fine 10 minutes ago.

    I just hope anyone reading this knows that there are ways to make the days better. Medication has helped me some, and therapy and CBT really helped me to change my thought processes, and I would urge anyone who feels depressed to seek help.

  • Justin

    I’m 26 and have been suffering from depression since I was about 12. Initially I felt withdrawn from everybody, as if I was an oddball and that everyone was staring at me. Gradually paranoia set in. my parents didn’t seem to understand. I didn’t try medications until I was 20, which had a miraculous effect on me but eventually wore off. I have no motivation, no desire, sexual or otherwise, it’s as if my lifeforce has been taken from me and I have to pretend all the time. Eventually I hate myself for pretending or imagining that I have a life. Life seems to not want to let me forget that I feel this bad, and it seems to be getting worse, though at this point I really can’t tell because I honestly don’t remember what it’s like not to feel depressed.

  • Scott

    I stay awake for days. Can’t talk to anyone because they don’t understand.I constantly worry about the future but can’t do anything about it. Can’t laugh at jokes. Fake a smile when necessary. Hate my inlaws. Have flashbacks of the war. If it wasn’t for my son I would be dead as a brick. Got on zoloft and that just made it worse.

  • D

    Depression had a snowball effect on me. I abandoned exercise and health, couldn’t get out of bed. Slept for endless hours or had trouble getting to sleep at night and was exhausted during the daytime. Physically started breaking down because of body’s inactivity. Gained weight and physical appearance further deteriorated. Lost confidence, didn’t want to be around others, negative attitude make it harder to meet people. Isolation, loneliness is magnified. With no relationships, masturbation became almost an addiction. Excessive masturbation brings more feelings of shame, feel pitiful…and that’s where I find myself

  • Alicia

    I often feel like nothing can go right in my life tht it doesn’t matter to anyone I have watched people that mean the most to me die. I have just turned 14 and I have no one who cares to live with I wish I didn’t feel like this but to watch so many loved ones die at such a young age it hurts to be who I use to be I was forded to grow up at such a young age and now tht I want to be normal wand have friends and do things they call it acting out and I get in trubble

  • Jess

    I am often anxious about specific things, usually regarding my own health. I have been feeling depressed on and off for much of my life (bearing in mind I’m only 23). My mum has a terminal brain tumour and this affects the way I think. I am often convinced I have one. If I keep myself busy during the day I don’t tend to think about it too much. The problem is when I get home and sit down, I often wonder what the point of life is and why we are here. Although I have and would never even dream of ending things.

  • Alex K.

    Sitting in my chair, I’ve come to re-realize the actuality of my depression. For years, my anxiety and post traumatic stress has been the shallowest and easiest to detect of my mental illnesses. Now that I have both of them treated through medication and psychotherapy, I have been becoming more and more aware of the true state of my mind without anxiety. Anxiety makes everything scary ever-present. It assumes the shape of fear and pounds constantly on the metaphoric door that is your mind. So, when you are always focusing on fear, it is easy to miss the sad and lonely experience that is your life. Without anxiety pulling me towards the future hell that may or will exist (based upon the irrationality of the fear), I have been focusing much more on the here and now, which is to say, aware of my present mental state, which is depression. I feel this unending pulling throughout my body that shrouds me in a numbing veil of gray, unfeeling, and distancing nothingness. This veil protects me from feeling happiness, intimacy, and normality. I feel distant from friends, relying only on my imaginative vision of our friendship, sometimes embellishing their acts and words with more emotion than are really behind them, hoping that it will fool me into feeling anything positive. I’m at a point where I could be embraced and told that another person actually and whole-heartedly loved me and it would not affect me. My life could end tomorrow, and it could be a total relief. Now, I’m not one to be suicidal, I’m too OCD to think about that, but, I’m saying that IF I would die tomorrow, and IF some remnant of the life that was me woud remain, I would not feel remorseful in the least. That being said, I think I should talk to somebody, and if you feel the same way as I do, the so should you.

  • Michelle

    When I TRY to go to bed, as soon as I’m surrounded by dark, I feel insane. I rock and cry myself to sleep. I’m followed by a constant nausea. I have horrible anxiety. My stomach feels like a black hole. Nothing I eat tastes good. Nothing I read seems interesting. This isn’t a phase. It’s a real illness/disease/sickness. There’s so many names, but not enough ways to describe it. I ALWAYS feel sick. I’m constantly vomiting, I break out crying in completely random moments, my eyelids suddenly feel extremely heavy, and it feels so pointless to move. This is hard to get through. It’s NOT a phase. It’s painful.

  • Jim

    Sometimes I think I’ve been depressed all my life and knowing no difference, think this normal. I have no feelings. I fabricate reasons to be hopeful to keep myself from giving up. I fake feeling and caring so that I can function in society, at my job. It all feels vain and absurd, everything. I have trouble believing anyone is sincere, perhaps due to my own insincerity. I feel like a clear vessel that everybody can see through, but overflowing with guilt and inadequacy. I am unable to maintain friendships or family relationships and nobody wants to be around me anymore. I have become alone in the world. But I will not give in to self pity. I suffer solitude in silence and when the time comes I’ll end it. That is all. That’s life. It isn’t for the weak and everybody dies in the end anyway.

  • Alison

    My depression feels like, I am going out for a swim and I venture out a little bit further and further and then I realize that I cannot swim. I suddenly become immersed in the water and I am sinking and then I eventually drown. I am in a constant state of alert – anxious and worried. I think negatively as coping mechanism – I have losted the purpose of me. There are times when I just want to run as fast as I can, and not look behind me, I want to leave everyone and everything behind me. But it is not that simple, I am not in a position to run away, get a way from it all and save myself……………..and that’s what makes me really depressed.

  • Xamitas

    It feels like i’m alive only when i’m not ddoing something that isnt real or possible. like reading a book or playing games

  • nobody

    i turned 16 a month ago. for 3 years ive felt nothing but emptyness, ive have anxiety attacks all the time but i never tell anyone. when i first became “depressed” i use to have to take pill to sleep because id be up all night and sometimes wouldnt sleep for days, id never cry or make my feelings noticable, i just simply sat alone in my room thinking of every bad memory at once. how my parents got a divorce, and my dad had 3 kid with another woman within 2 years after the divorce. my mom left and became a crack addict. when i was 10 i didnt see her for 3 months strait. no call or nothing. it didnt bother me at that age. i just kept telling myself she’d come home. and when she finaly did i was truly happy. for a couples. then she left again. in 2008 my house caught on fire. me my sister my 2 cousins and my grandma were all in the house. it still bothers me. alot. it bothered me so much i had to move with my aunty. but that only made things worse. i was soo lonely for my grandma so i moved back with her. but when i moved back with her i was lonely for my aunty. i was confused because i pretty much broke both theyre hearts when i left. i regreated it for 2 years and slowly its fading away. back in november 2010 i was sleeping. i think it was a tuesday. i woke to my sisters screaming . mom my tried to hang herself in the basement. she has 6 kids. and she was just going to kill herself. her reason was because “you dont love me. my kids my ex my mom nobody cares” . after that i became friend with this girl and i told her my deepest darkest secret (at the time) and she told the boy i liked my secret. i know that sounds childish but at the time i hated her. ive never trusted anyone with a secret and when i finaly did, they go and tell. i thought of killing myself all the time but i felt i didnt have a big enough reason to die. in april my oldest sister moved out and got her own house and thats when i started to visit her. just to get away from everything back at home. then in may the most important person in my whole life, died. my grandma died. i blame the doctors in my town. theyre stupid. 11 months and all i feel is anger, loneliness. and just like shit. in september my grandpa got bumped right infront of my house. and school, well its just a waste of time right now. i know i need it but i cant get myself to sleep at a normal time. i could wake up at 7 in the morning and wont fall asleep till 6 am the next day. i have many problems. but its just stuff every 16 year old goes through. its not important enough to tell…to tell you the truth i dont even know why i wrote this whole note. especially to strangers.
    life. why do you have to be so hard? when my grandma died i didnt feel pain, happiness, anger, excitement and i only cried say 5 or 6 times since she died. but now 11 months later and all my feelings are coming back to me at once. oh forgot to mention both my parents have cancer. and my great aunty does too. life sucks. and i have noone to tell it to. not 1 single friend. and i dont feel comforable enough to tell my sisters my dad, or anyone. im just idontknow. lost. btw way ive been to 14 different schools since grade 3. ive dropped out evern year in april since grade 6. but somehow i am in my normal grade.
    i always pretend to be happy just to avoid the conversation but i want help i just dont know how to get it.
    a couple months ago i was happy for a week. for no reason but i felt like it wasnt me. i think im too use to the feeling now.

  • Jonathan

    It feels really defeating to read that bulleted list and feel as if every part of it consummately describes your life. It also feels hopeful in a way…This list made me realize that my depression is a disease. This site made me start to look for answers again after years. To everyone else…I’m sorry it has to be this way, but I’m glad I’m not the only one who feels like this.

  • Becky

    Having a chronic illness that is M.S and now having seizures. Over a year now I would wake up and feel this over powering feeling like a swoosh of ill fate and would say go away, go away. Most of the time it would go away during the day. At this moment the “depress feeling” is not lifting very well. The nerve and muscle and medical has lifted up. Always come back. Now this. When I had the worse episode of suffering this disease I thought I was going to commit suicide. My family thoughts kept me from doing it. Wow that was hard. The nerves in my head drive my body absolutely crazy. Falling over and can’t feel my legs sometimes and fall among multiple other things.Depression comes with M.S. I take a medicine for the depression but it is not doing well. My son has been suffering with depression and doesn’t have medical insurance. Calls tomorrow to try to find a clinic. I feel for him. This over whelming feeling can be too much for any one. It is a horrible disease of it owns.

  • lisa

    feel like your drowning hard to breath at times,that there is no end ,you get through one bout only to start another not long after,,dont want to die just want to disappear, theres just no end.always covering thoughts of being a failure as a mother,wife, person. felt like a misfit all my life.been treated now for 3 years although doing alot better all these feelings are still always there,feels like a constant fight,its extremely hard work .

  • tony

    Hi. I came here not as a sufferer but as a helper of someone with this horrible illness. My gf lives in the us and I live in the UK and I’ve been trying to educate myself on depression and be able to help and be a better partner for her. I’ve read all the posts with my mouth open in shock. Such a lot of what I’ve seen in my gf I’ve also read here and its heartbreaking but its made me more determined to help her and unconditionally love her. Thank you.

  • Arianna

    I’m struggling with depression pretty bad right now. I’m 12, in 7th grade. I hate myself, everything about me. I hate going to school. I cry everyday, and I write and think about killing myself. I have a councilor…but I just feel like there’s nothing else I can do. I can’t take life anymore…I don’t know what to do.

  • Willa

    It feels like everything’s just moving along, but i’m not part of it. I’m just going with the flow. I don’t like being with my friends because I feel I’m hiding myself around them, especially since I once told them I was sad and they didn’t care. I tried to blame it on other things but they never made sense. So I took the confusion, the sadness, the anger and the mental pain and turned it into real pain.

  • Maya

    I’m 15 going on 16 next week and I think I’m depressed I have ALL of those symptoms and I have no idea what to do about it. I can’t exactly tell my parents because they won’t do anything about it, they’ll probably just say it’s just hormones or something stupid like that :p . But everyday I feel worse and worse until I literally feel like I’m on the edge right now. Please help me!

  • Anon

    I feel exhausted all the time, on my days off I don’t get out of bed. I’m constantly tired and no amount of sleep can fix it. my eyes feel heavy and my head feels numb.
    I don’t have the motivation to make food or even feel the need to eat. I don’t have motivation for anything at all. Nothing is exciting anymore, life is just pointless events up until we die.
    My chest feels heavy when I breath.
    I cry over everything, there is a constant lump in my throat.
    It’s like no matter how much you beg for help, there is nothing people can do, I cannot count how many times I’ve heard the words ” I wish I could do something to help you”
    I am so trapped in a never ending spiral downwards. I struggle everyday. There is nothing that can make me feel okay.

  • J

    Nothing really makes me happy anymore.
    And I don’t know why people tried to fix my heart when it wasn’t even whole to begin with. I have tried everything, i cry myself to sleep and have these excruciating nightmares.When I express my feelings it hurts others so I have to keep it to my self but I don’t know if I can anymore.

  • CLSullivan

    I’ve struggled with depression for years, The only thing that helped was getting onto the correct meds. I’ve trived a bunch over the years. You will know it when you get which one works for your body. You should feel a bit better in 2 weeks, Don’t stay with the same dr for years because he’s not really hellping. Different Dr = different ideas, That’s what it took for me…..new dr Just don’t ever give up!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
    A heartfelt good luck to you!

  • shannon

    I had depression in 2006 thought it was gone n it was for a while. Now its back. I’m in a new relationship we have a 2 year old and my oldest child lives back home. Life was decent and one day I woke up and realized I wasn’t happy anymore. As the days passed my feelings got worse. I am not suicidal tht was never my deal but I don’t want to be alive either. I can’t handle the people around me, my dogs, the house. I’m exhausted mentally and now physically. I don’t even have the energy to deal with my daily routine. I just lie around all day and cry n think of ways out. I have seriously an am putting a lot of thought in leaving my family. Idc where I go I just need to leave asap.

  • Louise

    I have recurring thoughts of death/suicide. I feel really agitated all the time. Everything irritates me and on sunny days when everyone is cheerful I feel like I’m drowning. Comedy shows seem stupid and when I laugh at something, in my head I’m thinking it’s not funny. I also have this feeling of doom, like something bad will happen and all my loved ones will die. I cry at night for no particular reason, and I constantly have this feeling like my friends will turn on me at any moment. It’s like any time something good happens to me I just think it’s going to be taken away from me or it’s going to end.

  • andrea

    Depression feels like a void. Empty. Days and days turn quickly to weeks, months, years and there is nothing tangibly new or different to show for it. I am a waste of skin and air. I grasp at things that might bring me the slightest bit of pleasure but they all turn to dust in an instant. My love feels meaningless. My existance is a nuisance. I feel like a gaping black hole that has sucked the color from everything nearby.

  • Jane

    Being in 9th grade is the first of my problems, who’s to believe that a little girl could be so sad? No worries, no responsibilities right? But I’m suffocated with expectations. Stress sucks the life out of me. Just a walking body with no soul. But I don’t know if it’s my body doing a good job lying to itself, but sometimes I am happy, happy, happy with my friends. But sit me down in a room by myself; give me time to think, I’m angry, I’m sad, my brain is numb. I thought it was hormones that make me cry, but it’s much deeper than that.

  • Meh

    Nothing is ever going to feel okay, or right, or fulfilling. It feels like somebody just died and I can’t quite place who it was, it feels as if something is always about to go terribly wrong. When the world feels like it will end before I wake up, how can I possibly plan for my future? I mean to be so proactive about life but can never get around to it. I mean to finish things quickly but i drag it out every time. I care less about failure than I do about perfecting trivial details. I’m desperately lonely but never enjoy friendships. I’m worried they’ll find out how lame I really am, but at the same time I’m so arrogant I think I’m too good for them. I hate the obligation of keeping a friendhship going, of keeping up a facade where I pretend things are okay.

    There is a weight dragging everything down. Happiness quickly becomes guilt, fulfillment quickly becomes unfufillment, motivation quickly becomes apathy, a sense of belonging quickly becomes embarassment and fear. Small things are such an effort, the steps don’t come easily they never feel natural. I hate obligations because they take so much out of me. I want to avoid everyone and everything. I KNOW how to succeed, I KNOW you can get through life doing it step by step, I KNOW its really a privilege to be alive, but I’m just not FEELING it.

  • Struggling

    It feels like nothing in my life will get better. I have plans for college that don’t even seem important anymore. The worst part is feeling like I don’t want to see anyone, including my boyfriend who I love very much. I want everyone to leave me alone. But I’m so torn because I know I need them too. I guess it’s about my struggle to keep going, I need them if I choose to and I need to push them away if I don’t. It’s not fair to the people around me to carry me. Ecspecially Chris. He’s so good to me and deserves someone who is happy and carefree. Like I used to be. I cut myself today, I couldn’t handle it. I wish I could, I’m not strong. This depression sucks every last bit of me out. I need to take baby steps constantly-” pick up 3 things off the floor, now three more” “now walk into the kitchen and get a glass-now poor water” I need a plan so I don’t fall apart doing simple tasks. If I drink I get emotional and lose it, I’m so bone-tired. You’d think I’d get relief from sleep..but nightmares find me there. I can’t win.

  • Gibran

    I am not really sure if I am depressed or just going through a situational situation right now as this has not been going on very long. I do take medicine for anxiety but luckily I only have bouts of anxiety a few times a year if that. I did have a bout of anxiety about a week ago and maybe that is why I am feeling they way I am. Plus our daughter was home from college for spring break and she just went back on Sunday and I miss her. So anyway, I am very tired all day. I can sleep alot but then again I have always been able to sleep alot even when all is well etc. But I wake up and get out of bed and my eyes hurt and I still feel tired and want to go back to bed. I feel sad at times and want to cry but those are the only main things I dont have any other symptoms of depression so maybe I dont really have depression and i am just going through something. Any thoughts?

  • Erika

    At first I wasn’t sure that I really was depressed, until I read these symptoms. I seem to have almost all of them. I could sleep for several hours, but once up, I just want to go back sleeping. Nothing amuses me anymore as it used to when I was a kid, my whole world seems to be slowly turning grey. Everyone one I see, at school or family.., they just get me really mad and I’d just rather be on my own. I have been getting suicidal, and have attempted to do it once or twice… But I just can’t! I feel like a coward. I’m too afraid. I do have a few friends, but I don’t feel like they’re the ones to talk too. I feel lonely, like I’m on my own. As if no one can help me. I feel useless in this world, like I don’t belong here. NOBODY understands me. I just feel like ending myself. I also do not want to go on medications, that’s the last thing I would do… But reading these previous comments, I feel like I’m not the only one going through this, that there’s still some hope.. My world though.. It’s just loosing color, turning black and grey. I get called “emo” many times, which kind of annoys me.. But they are probably right. Maybe I am the true definition of emo.. /: Hopefully I can get through this on my own.
    Prayers for all the commenters.

  • anderion

    i have been suffering from depression from 2 yrs ago its makes mine mind concentration very weak or very over exicited sometimes .. i often feel negative thoughtss even thinking a small matter in large way , at the exicited period i think of suicidal thoughts,its hard to get positive thoughts,,,,, don’t know how to get releif from it

  • Robert

    I’ve been depressed all of my life. 4 years ago, when i was 21 i tried to kill myself, taking 50 painkillers, this really should have killed me, but somehow it wasn’t to be my day. Now i’m not relegious or anything, far from it, but spending a motnh in hospital made me realise, there is a way out of everything. to this day i still suffer badly from depression, but the best thing to do is say in your head to get up and do something about it. When i committed suiide i was practically homeless, now i’m a manager of a lab in a very big company, get to travel around the work and get paid really well. I’m not bosting, i’m just trying to make people see what they can become even with depression. It’s a horrible illness, that medicine can only help so much, the only thing that can help the most is YOU!! realise what’s making you depressed, tackle it, and become the peron you want to be. And most importantly, if there’s nothing good happening, smile anyway 🙂

  • Carol

    Wow, this is exactly what it feels like to live every day of my life. I try to put on a simple smile to mask the pain away from my friends which only makes it worse. This is like a complete list of what I’m going though right now, if only my friends could see what I’m going through . . . .

  • Stacie

    I’m always scared to put myself out there, even writing this I barley know what to say.. I try to talk to my mom about depression, but all she says is ” your a teenager , you don’t have depression”. But, I read the symptoms , reading them and realizing mostly everything is happening to me right now, & even talking to my mother I get beyond upset, and angry at her for not realizing that I may have depression. Maybe my mother doesn”t want to accept it because she has it . But, what do I keep doing? So far what makes me the happiest is my boyfriend, but even then I get worried if he doesn’t text me back, and everything worrys me , I’m failing school and next year I’m supposed to be graduated. I doubt that because everyday if one thing bothers me I just leave school. I’m just learning about depression and already I look back at the things I remember, and the things I’ve been threw.. And at this point, I really need someone to talk to..

  • Marco

    I’m not good at english so forgive me for any grammar mistakes.

    I’m still in high school. You might ask why do I feel depressed? Well, I’m currently studying in Canada, living apart with my parents (they’ve got to stay in China to continue their career), it has been almost 2 years and i have barely make any white friends ffs! Whereas my fellas that made friends with bunch of whites, especially girls. So, I often question my self why the hell can’t I do that? Yet at the same time I’m reluctant to communicate with them, and my heart tells me that I don’t have to do that just because my friends did.

    You lot might say that my marks on math or science are gonna be “ASIAN”, in fact I’m the dumbest, if not one the dumbest. Sometimes I pray God “please put me to sleep forever”. That’s how I feel, as if I can’t do anything right, and I feel ashamed because my parents worked their socks off to send me to Canada… But I’ve got to hang on, my parents will probably retire in a decade or two and they’ll need my support.

    God, this is mindfucking, legit.

  • Lyla

    I wake up every day hoping that this will be the last. I don’t want to die, but living is killing me. I cannot talk to anyone for fear of being called a drama queen. I’m so tired of faking smiles. I’m nearing my breaking point. Depression runs in my family, but being on medication for the rest of my life scares me. I’ve nowhere left to turn, & people only care about themselves. My cats are the only ones who are there for me always.

  • Desiree

    I have suffered from depression for most of my adult life. I suspect even longer. I do not recall ever being happy all the way thru to my insides. I have always felt a disconnect between me and the world. I have always known that there’s something wrong with the way I am -I mean on the inside, underneath where only I can see. I am empty. I put on all the trappings of a normal functioning person, but I know I am empty. I have never read anything like this site, I have never shared my darkness, my self-loathing, my fears, my broken mind with anyone. People just don’t get what it’s like to truly feel alone. I can be in a room full of people, watching myself try to pretend I’m just like everyone else. I watch myself laugh, I see myself engaging with people & I wonder how it is that I can look so normal when I’m screaming from inside. I’m crying. I hurt. I am in pain – but it’s coming from a dark place inside where it’s always dark, and I am always hurting. I am broken, but no one knows. How can they not see? I live in a bubble, where I am always on the edge of my life, looking at it thru the eyes of a stranger – I find the prospect of another 5 or so decades of trying to pretend I’m just like everyone else too much to bear. I wish I wasn’t married, I wish I didn’t have children, then I could just go to sleep and not have to do this any more. I didn’t know that there were so many other people without hope, so many other people standing on the outside of their own lives just watching, unable to feel, or connect. I cannot connect with myself. I’m always a watcher. When I try to remember events or people or my childhood I always feel like its a movie I watched, a book I read – I wasn’t there, I just know a lot about what happened. Sometimes I just want to scream and scream and scream until all the pain, the fear, the bubble, the walls around me just explodes and then I will be free to live. Living, life is so painful it crushes my chest sometimes, I can’t breath. The air hurts its so heavy. Contact with people is like dragging barbed wire over sunburnt skin. It just hurts. When I was first diagnosed I thought I could get well, but now…..forever sleep calls me sometimes, tempts me with the notion of no more fear and pain, no more feeling like nothing. Everything I have I have added – when I take all of that away I am intrinsically of no value. And it doesn’t matter how many times I tell myself otherwise, deep down I know I’m broken and can’t be fixed……so I smile and laugh like I’m meant to, and pretend to be like everyone else. I Am so fucking tired………..
    I have rambled, I know – i didn’t know there were so many of us broken souls, tired and sad and living on the periphery of their own lives. Y can’t they fix us? Thank you to everyone who posted……I have always felt lonely, even when I’m not alone so it did give me a feeling of belonging to read people’s words as they honestly speak from the heart…..I thought I was alone in my unwelcome thoughts and distorted view of reality, and my secret desire not to wake up tomorrow. I know it’s selfish, so of course I will up, drag myself out of bed, and think about how to make it thru just the next half hour, then just the next hour, and slowly but surely the day will drag to an end so I can escape into sleep again.

  • Mansi

    I feel like this world owe something to me, I have been in this state because of some people in life who were supposed to guide me. Instead I felt they used me, n now I m depressed about it. I feel like going to a place where I can find people who don’t talk, their minds are pure like a baby. I can tell them how I feel but they don’t make me feel bad about it. I just want to say some thing to someone who just never give me comment. NO NO AND NO to any sympathy. I feel like to be listened just for once in my life. Feel like around people who don’t judge you by the color of the skin, the education, the money, the spouse etc. Hate this world n more over myself that I m still here and constantly trying to build a castle on sand.

  • Emy

    I do not love my husband and my marriage is so rash that it turned out to be a total disaster to me, he is nothing like the person I want, he does not seem to care about me or others including his parents or relatives, or he had in mind is himself and money, he never tried anything to make me happy, my happiness is meaningless for him, he just want me to live at the least expense for the sake of the existence of marriage itself and sex. and he would not allow me to do anything that I am happy to if it costs any money, such as clothes, new things I like, I want to leave him , but I do not work at the moment, so I can’t afford to leave him, I have to be with him for a living, but an unhappy life. what shall I do? For that reason, I am not happy, and feel everything is so bad, I want to find a job and leave him, but it is so hard to find a job to support me. God, what shall I do ? and it is may be difficult for me to remarry sb else if I divorce him, what I am expecting is that someone would like to hire me, and I can live on myself, so I can live happily on my own. but it seems so hard for me, I feel so weak and depressive, I ever want to die, but I am not brave enough, to commit suicide needs courage,too, twhich frustrates me even more. but I can’t find the meaning of my life,

  • phoz

    lately, i’ve been feeling so insanely lonely, and i intend to keep it that way because i feel like i need punishment for the past five years. all of my dreams are dead, so why bother doing anything else for myself?
    i tried antidepressants, they worked for a good three or four months until they turned on me and i began thinking about suicide constantly. it hasn’t stopped but a few times over the past year. it would be better for everyone. they don’t have to deal with my miserable attitude anymore. nobody’s life is good with me in it anyways. i don’t care. maybe it will get better but it doesn’t seem to be. i think people are full of shit when they say ‘it gets better’. everyone is a fucking liar. every day is painful from beginning to end. i hate this world. i hate myself and my choices. i want it to end.

  • Sydney

    things just never get better. everyday I cry & I cry myself to sleep. I try to laugh and smile and make it seem like im ok when really im not. no one really understands what it feels like to hurt. and hurting makes things worse. I feel sick and tired and I just want to feel better. im all alone but with faith I know god is on my side.

  • Shannon

    There is a bag of bricks on my head, and one on my chest. I can’t breathe, not well. I can’t stop crying. The most insignificant thought reminds me that i am a worthless person. The pain is intense and will not rest. It feels like a cyst that needs to be popped. The pressure just builds. I long to sleep and never wake up, and I would if I didn’t need someone to take care of my pets. I’m not as good as I used to think I was.

  • Crystal

    It is so difficult to pinpoint or describe exactly how depression feels. Therefore I will start with today. I went through the motions of the work week, waking up, getting my son to school, going to work and putting on a happy face, then the weekend hits. Today I never really got out of bed. I didn’t eat anything but one meal replacement shake. I felt nauseous and weak all day, but could do nothing about it. I thought about taking my son out on his scooter, but I was unable to move. I have one million things I need to do, but no energy or motivation to get it done. It all seems so overwhelming, impossible…HOPELESS. I feel guilty for not being a good enough mom, and for not being a good enough girlfriend. I left an abusive marriage over a year ago, and this man I married really messed up my life. He ruined my credit, destroyed my house, emotionally and physically abused me and my son, and I am left running a business I never wanted to have. I don’t know what to do or how to get better. I don’t have time for counseling or to feel sorry for myself. I desperately want to be happy again and live a normal life. I just don’t know how. I am worried I am missing out on life, especially as my son grows older. Today I just lost 24 hours of my life. Sleeping, feeling sick, feeling guilty, feeling worthless, feeling hopeless. I am sure next weekend I will do the same unless something changes. Everyday is a struggle to just get out of bed and put a smile on my face.

  • nicole

    i’m only 15 and i feel like everythings done for me nothing excites me anymore everythings old in life i could walk out infront of a car and not have one thought nothing scares me upsets me or excites me anymore i just cant stand life my family makes me mad over the easiest things i say things i dont mean i dont know myself nothing helps i dont care about anything anymore 🙁 at all this happend after a huge break up after two years

  • Christina

    Every day I ask my when does my happieness begin? I get so emotional about everything, and cry so easily. I constantly feel like I just cant get anything right. I mess up everything I touch. I’m so so so tired and so sad. Everything around me goes wrong, and it just hurts to smile, and it feels unnatural now. It feels like you can’t breath, and the pain just hurts. All you wish for is for someone to care about you and to understand you. It seems like your always outside looking in.

  • Cristina

    For quite a while now (months) it’s been progressively worse. Now, I just feel paralyzed: nothing interests me anymore, I look forward to nothing, if anything, the future seems like a scary place filled with doom, I take no pleasure from or feel the need to engage in social activities (like talking in a group, going out to meet friends, call my family), I just feel as if the outside world is surreal, I can’t even fake social enthusiasm anymore, I have a lot of trouble sleeping, I’m always tired during the day, I can’t sleep at night, I have no desire to eat, I just want to waste away.

  • Carol

    I finally found a website with people who feel like me. I have been on many, many antidepressants over the last 30 years, and now I am told that I am resistant to them. It is 5:53 am. I either sleep for days and days, although it would be more accurate to say I lay in bed. Or I stay awake for two to three days at a time.
    I have had this for too long. And it has become so very much worse in the past 7 years. I have been to 5 psychiatric hospitals. I had to give up my job.

    I feel that someone is trying to carve out my chest with a dull spoon. It really hurts, as anyone with major depression will tell you. I cry, I scream, I call for help from my mother. She died 4 years ago.

    I don’t see people. They don’t understand how plans can be made and then someone can’t go. I’ve been told to “snap out of it”, “get a grip”, or “pull yourself up by your bootstraps”.

    I give.

    I can’t feel happiness, or just peace. When I am with people, I feel like I’m watching myself. I rarely go out. It is too hard to put on that brave face. It’s been going on too long.

    I’d like to write again, but I just have to go now. Thank all of you for your truthfulness.

  • colin

    Hi i have been feeling lost hopeles to feeling of being left behind while my friends grow up two of which have just recently had babys which should be a happy time for everyone. for myself it makes me sad i feel like i am getting left behind we never see each other as much now and its just making me sad that i feel the good times of our life are over so soon. I have had nothing but terible luck in work and relationships Having been a master tec before the recetion i was a happy guy with everything i needed money cars love then it was all taken away from me at the drop of a hat. These days i go down to cash in my giro i know what your thinking it isint about the money or the material posetions its the fun and joy iv lost that happyness. I was in a car crash last july was a bad one and lucky to be hear before that i felt the same as i was still on benifits i spend the nights wide awake thinking of things from long ago that have anoyed me i try to block them out listen to music doesent help turns into anger wich gives me headakes wich in turn keeps me awake. When i go to the doctors i try to get help but when im there infront of him i just cant get it out and end up leaving it. i just dont know how to wright down the feelings or say it its such a starnge feeling help its driving me crazy.

  • robert green

    i have been suffering from some sort of depression all my life but has real got to bad to handle the past few years.thinking that the world around me is not real and it is some sort of picture that freezes in front of me and i have to get up and move to make it go normal again it scares me so much that the world is not real and i am some sort of nothing ..my life is in bits and thoughts of suicide are constenly in my head just to stop the thing i am thinking.i have tryed to get help but all i get is take this take that it will help but it dosent help it just dulls it for a few hours ….i have had to give up work.i dont get answers i need …is this world we live real ????????…

  • Camilla

    Depression is such a difficult topic to discuss with people normally.

    I grew up in a house with a depressed, alcoholic mother and an abusive father – I don’t expect sympathy, as my life could have been so much worse. Underneath everything, I know they still love me, as much as they might hurt me. I had/have no need to tell my friends or my boyfriend, because I know they’ve probably gone through other, just as nasty things in their lives, and I have no right to burden them with mine.

    But, for a while now, I’ve been finding it hard to actually connect myself with the world. For example, I saw myself talking, joking with my friends at college a few years back, yet feeling nothing behind it. As if I’m just watching myself from afar, pretending to be happy. This happens quite a lot, but I didn’t really realize that it meant anything at first. Nothing could have gone wrong that day, or something minor would set me off, and on the inside I’d feel like crying, yet I just saw myself smiling away as usual – I guess you could say I was the joker of the group. I enjoy making people laugh, and I realize now, it’s because if others don’t laugh… I can’t either.

    I have plenty of reasons to be happy. Yet none of them do anything to lift my mood. I’m at university now, doing a degree to help me towards the career I’ve always wanted. I get along well with my flatmates. Although I broke up with my boyfriend a few months ago, I don’t miss him as much anymore, and I feel free enough to admire other guys now. Even then, not much makes me happy anymore.

    I’ve always done things for people, because I know that if I do that one little thing for someone, it’s making their lives easier. And I know that, when you feel like your life is an unbearable burden, having someone help you out makes you feel so much better. But nobody ever stops to do things for me. I know somebody might help if I ask… But I don’t want to ask. I did so much for my ex, and I loved him with all my heart. However, last year, I went through a bout of serious depression, and trying to keep up a long distance relationship through it was both difficult and brought me down even more – his dad died a year before I met him, and I’ve always felt bad that I couldn’t help him more than I did. But trying so much to drown out the voices screaming in my head to tell him that I need his help, that I’m dying, was too difficult. I stressed the relationship, getting irritated over nothing, and that in turn reflected on my relationship at work, university and with my parents. I’d like to think that I’m a bit better now, which I am, but looking back on things, I finally realize that I was very depressed. And not just “Oh, I’ve had a bad day” depressed. Clinically. I, of all people, should recognize the signs.

    Having been given some bad news about my health and future within the past year, things just aren’t going well. I can scarcely drag myself out of bed anymore, and everything I see or do seemed to be shrouded behind clouded glass. I’ve been reading through the comments, and I’ve never considered suicide, because I know how painful it is for the people left behind, so I guess I haven’t gotten to that stage. I get quite angry with myself though sometimes, because I’m incapable of doing anything right – I might stalk around for a while, to wear myself out, punch the walls… Whatever stops the anger seething. Or the frustration that I’m useless and have no self-respect or confidence. The tears come then, and I welcome them.

    I can’t think of a single good thing about myself. I’m 19, I’m young and yet I feel decades old.

    Music is the only thing that gives me some solace. I lie on my bed and just listen. It can be anything, and I just shut my eyes and lose myself to it, and most of the time I will cry, even if I don’t know what I’m crying about. At least it’s a slight escape from this… whatever this is. I hate whining, but I’m fed up with having to keep everything to myself anymore. Posting gives me a little comfort, even if it’s only venting to people I don’t know.

    Reading over this again, I’m not sure if it’s even worth posting it. But I shall anyway. Just to defy this thing we call “depression”.

  • Dan

    Very good description indeed.
    Have tried to talk to medical staff, crisis intervention, and they just seem to think of other things wrong with me, instead of listening to my words. They always assume for you.
    I have already made peace with this life and just waiting for the hammer to fall and take me from this life. So tired, emotionally and physically.
    I am tired of the crying, anxious feelings and no sleep.

    I look into my children’s eyes and I start to cry, knowing I will leave them soon, but at the same time I know they will be better off without me. No more asking if I am sick, or have a migraine or whatever.
    I am so embarrassed knowing that is how they see me. A sick person.

  • Ben

    Hi, I’m 28 yr old male and have been suffering from depression on and off for many years now. This time round started about 18 months ago and came to a head about a week ago not just by having thoughts of suicide (having for about 3 months) but having a clarity of suicide, suddenly after having a better day, no reason it came to me in a clarity but something stopped me. I don’t know what it was or where it came from. I have been suffering horribly from all of the above affects of depression coupled with crippling anxiety but over the last 10 days I’ve made some positive changes that have helped me start to put my life back on track… I have even managed to get back to work today!!
    1) Positive thinking – challenge your warped and negative thoughts, question them, write them down and imagine they are someone elses… what would you tell that person? Write the facts down not your thoughts, explore the positive way of thinking and work on it. Sure it’s a challenge and yes it’s so very tiring when you’re having to challenge almost every thought you have but not as tiring as worrying about warped and negative thoughts constantly from wake to broken sleep
    2) Eating – I’ve lost 35lbs in 8 weeks due to restless anxiety and depression. I now buy fruit and healthy snacks – this helps you when you only have one burst of hunger in that long day and try to snack as much as possible. If you don’t eat then you’re brain will not function and keep you down. I’ve also been taking Vitamin D max strength for about 10 days now as well as multi-vitamins and I don’t suffer with petrified anxiety when the sun goes down now, I’m just a little edgy.
    3) Exercise – If your off work, which I have been due to not feeling I can cope anymore, make yourself do some exercise. Go for a run, walking, swimming, anything that will get you out of the environment you’re in. If you can’t get out the house due to your anxieties, walk up and down stairs, walk in the garden, jump up and down to the music channel even if you don’t feel the music anymore. Get those endorphins going. It’s not going to make a difference straight away but you will feel better after a couple of days, even if you start laughing at yourself looking like a prat after a few days, at least it made you laugh!
    4) Routine – If you’re not at work, get into a day off routine. Do some exercise at a set time, get down the gym, go to a friends, walk a neighbor’s dog. Set yourself a timetable or a to-do list the day before. Wake up with purpose and a plan and do it even if you can’t face it, do it anyway and you will feel better.
    5) Meditate – download some visualization and breathing techniques to help you clear your mind of these relentless thoughts and help your mind to reset when your starting to feel the pressure.
    6) Positive diary – make a list of things you’ve achieved in the day, however small. I made a cup of tea, I watered the garden, went to the shop for fags, went to the gym. At no point write down, I went to the gym but only lasted 10 minutes as I thought everyone was laughing at me and I started crying and everyone looked at me and I wanted to die. It’s your negative thought processes that made you feel like that. You still went to the gym and that is a great great achievement.

    Most importantly you need to remember and realise that you are not well, your thoughts are not real and they can’t harm you. Turn the thoughts around, think more positive and pro-active, even if your mind is telling you not to and you don’t want to, you have nothing to lose, positive thoughts = positive feelings. I have an intollerence to SSRI’s and have had to do this without medication. I understand everyone on here and how they feel, but believe me when I say there is hope even when you can’t see it. The hope will get stronger. Even when you can’t see land at sea, does land still exist?! I can tell you it does, you’ve experienced it before so why hold on to the thoughts and worries of things that haven’t happened or don’t know for sure have happened. I can guarantee that if you do these steps and stick to them you will at least begin to understand that life is not completely void and not nearly as bad as you currently perceive it to be. It will only happen though if you want it to, if you want to get out of this hell hole you’ve allowed yourself to grovel in for so long. Don’t by any means think it’s going to be easy, it’s not. But I can tell you that it does get easier, the uphill struggle starts to ease and you start seeing things a little clearer. Just be aware that even if you do start feeling better, remember that your still not 100%, small steady steps every day and remember to praise yourself of your achievements even if you don’t think you’re worthy of it.

    Start tomorrow with a difference, make that change to start your recovery and be proud of who you are and what you’re doing.

    My name’s Ben and I don’t suffer from depression, I cope with it….

  • Madi

    You feel like your not living, you just are. Everything seems pointless and you just want things to end. You may not even think life is all that bad, but you still don’t feel like it’s worth it.

  • Briana

    I’m here….alone at 3:00 in the morning, just in complete sobs, I have a knife….I feel crazy delusional, but I long to just get it over with, I need to put it down but I can’t……it’s stuck….I’m going against myself, I don’t feel. Its like I’m the ugly thing that people pick on….I cant..I’m sorry that I’m doing this, posting, I just wanted someone to care, you guys know about it, I don’t, I’m a stupid thing, with nothing to lose but her dreadful life….I can’t do it, but I must, I won’t though, maybe something would come out of it, maybe not, I just won’t, but I will not put e knife down till someone notices and actually cares…

  • Briana

    I’m 11, and I feel like I never wanna wake up, I’ve lost hope in everything I do, I cry all the time, and I just feel so blank and empty, like nothing will ever happen to my miserable life…..I’ve told people that I never wanna wake up, I wanna just die, but they don’t take me seriously…..I’m so pathetic…I feel like no one cares and I’ve lost emotions…I can’t think right anymore…I don’t wanna pretend anymore that I’m a happy kid, I don’t wanna let my parents down, but I can’t help it, I’m a burden to life……what can I do? I wanna be normal…,no one understand that Ive actually almost stabbed myself with a kitchen knife, I did but my mom took me to the hospital….I told them it was an accident. I wanna be able to play with the other kids and enjoy life…..its just it feels like I’m dragging myself everyday to make this image that really isn’t me….I’m sorry that I posted here….I just felt so alone….

  • Kayleigh

    I have pretty much all of the symptoms above.. At first I didn’t take much notice, I thought I was just having a few bad days and then I started to feel differently about my boyfriend and everything he does annoys me for no apparent reason. I hate waking up in the morning.. I want to sleep all the time to escape reality and last week I was feeling very down and cut my wrists and I can’t even remember doing it, like I just lost control. I cry myself to sleep most nights, sometimes just praying that I won’t wake up in the morning. I really need help but I’m not sure who to turn to..

  • John G

    So many of you going through the same thing as I am. I wish there was a simple solution. I’ve suffered clinical depression for 20 years. It ultimately destroyed my marriage. Now I’m alone and think of dying daily. I think of suicide. I think of contracting a fatal disease. I have no motivation any more. No joy. No peace. No love or hope. I have nothing but the drone of days, one after the other. I’ve broken off all contact with friends. I isolate myself and the loneliness is crushing but the alternative is what? Pretend to smile and laugh when I feel so separated from everyone? Even the idea of getting back on my meds seems pointless. Why allow myself to feel like this ugly life has any sort of meaning or purpose? I’m 45 years old, in debt, alone and have no hope for my future. I just wish I was dead. I would kill myself if not for the pain it would cause my mother and that it would leave my cat alone.

  • JQT

    What does depression feel like?

    Well you hit the nail in your post “How Depression May Affect Your Life” on most everything I’ve been feeling. An additional feeling is how much I desire to contribute a response to your post, yet I have so little motivation to do so. It’s taken me an hour of flipping through my tabs in my internet browser to finally decide to write at least a little here.

    So many feelings, negative feelings. Too many to list, too unmotivated to list.

    One of the topics you covered in your list is both the feeling of lacking appetite/lacking the enjoyment of eating as well as the other end of it – binging. I sadly am constantly going through phases of both, thereby succeeding in ruining my metabolism and hormonal balances. I have gained 20-30 lbs in weight (constantly fluctuating) in the past year of my most recent phase of depression. (I am a female in my 20s.) Undoubtedly the weight gain has caused immense distress on me not just from the general American societal pressures for women to stay slim, but the distress has spilled into ever other aspect of my life.

    The most significant effect the weight has on my life is athletically – the extra weight severely impacts my being an endurance athlete (several miles of swimming, century rides, anywhere from 5 to 50 miles of running, etc). Financially – I can barely fit into 10% of my old clothes…only the ones that used to be too big for me, and if I keep gaining weight I’ll have to buy new clothes…which I don’t have money for because I’ve felt too depressed/sorry for myself/embarrassed to present myself to anyone for work…CATCH-22. Mentally, I find it’s tougher to get over the fact that I’m moving into women sizes from always wearing children’s sizes (I was very petite, never considered anorexic.) than just bumping up a couple sizes in women’s. Job-wise (not career-wise as I still have to continue pursuing my degree in it, but I am not actively able to do so financially and mentally currently), I have thrown out the window my modeling work and other similar physical attribute-based gigs.

    Instead of waking up at 5am like I used to to train and get sh*t done, I’ve wasted almost 90% of the days in the past 1.5 years staying in bed ***WISHING I COULD DISAPPEAR*** for 10,20, 30, even almost 40 hours…either that or I may have have the pleasure of dragging myself out of bed at the last minute before a doctor’s appointment (or other financial obligation so I don’t have to pay even MORE in fees…but get out of bed for social obligations??? No way…I avoid meeting up with friends like the plague now. I don’t want anyone to see me like this; I just end up wallowing in my sadness).

    Let’s talk about memory…what was I saying again? Well, my memory is shot – I avoid stimulation or motivation now. Too depressed to, that’s the thought that goes through my mind. =(

    Thank you Wing of Madness for providing this forum for all us lovely depressed people to connect. Thank you for motivating me to at least write this and accomplish something today besides lying on the couch all day wishing I could get myself up to go for a run. Thank you everyone for sharing your stories; I hope you realize how much it helps to know there are others out there in the same boat (hopefully only temporarily for all our sakes).

  • Robert

    I can always tell when I’m not doing that well when I start to estimate how many more years I might have left to live and the ending feels welcome. I’ve actually done quite well dealing with depression by seeing a therapist and exercising but the darkness still comes back more than I’d like…

    Wonderful post by the way and a very accurate and descriptive list of symptoms.

  • x.

    For me, it’s a living death – I don’t recall ever truly feeling alive, and “aliveness” itself is incomprehensible. I feel distant from reality, as if somehow I’m separated from it by a impenetrable haze and I’m not a member of the “real world”. I don’t feel I can communicate with anyone in any way because of an ever-present feeling of inferiority and the belief that others know exactly how inferior I am. (I have social anxiety, too.) The only way I feel like I’m of any worth is if I constantly go out of my way for others, but I rarely if ever get the same treatment back. Even if I did, no one can sustain it as long as I can, and they’ll all leave me eventually…

    I don’t know how I still manage to get up in the morning and serve the people who are close to me, but I do. My family and friends know about how I feel, but there’s little they can or want to do about it. I’ve felt this way for most of my life – I didn’t believe in what was asked of me (school, household responsibilities, work…), but I managed to suppress who I am in order to do the things that are asked of me. I justify almost everything I do by telling myself “this is what’s expected of me” and “if I don’t do this, I’ll be a burden”. There’s nothing I truly do for myself. Now that it’s time for me to be able to act on my own, I’m paralyzed. I graduated with honors and a useless degree and have no applicable job experience. Neither employers nor grad schools want to give me a chance, and why would they? They can smell the inferiority without seeing me.

    Life feels meaningless, worthless, and empty. I’ll always be a burden to others no matter how much I give and how much I try. Everything I do is wrong, every mistake is magnified, and I will always be a failure. I don’t have an identity to return to since I’ve suppressed it for so long, and I see nothing in life that I can believe in – I don’t fit here, I don’t belong here. Suicide is inevitable – in a sick way, the fact that I will die someday is comforting.

    I’m currently trying to get help, but it feels like I’m looking in all of the wrong places. I guess there’s hope somewhere, as much as I think hope is a useless belief humankind clings to in order to prolong their suffering.

  • Nobody

    Before reading this list, I perceived depression to be just a shallow label for feeling sad and anxious. However, as I have now realised, that is just the tip of the iceberg and I can finally accept the fact that I am also a victim. I believe I am currently in the midst of a 2 year long depressive episode. When I reflect on aspects of my life objectively, I don’t see any reason why I should be feeling like this. Things could be so much worse. Nevertheless, I still have a permanent feeling of hopelessness, looking forward to nothing. I am in university now so I have the opportunity to make lots of good, lifelong friends. But I just cannot do it, no matter how much I want to. I can’t have a normal conversation with anyone as I am not able to express myself well (which I was able to do years ago). I lose my attention while I talk to people or listen to music; my mind drifts off. It feels like my head is heavy, full of blurry thoughts, pulling me down. I’ve lost my interest in watching TV, movies and reading. I feel extremely unmotivated and there is nothing positive in my foreseeable future. My once vivid and defined goals have deteriorated into nothing. I can barely think straight because of the cloudy and unclearness of my mind. Although I don’t ever consider the idea of suicide, but often I imagine what death feels like. I am not scared of it. I honestly don’t care if I somehow died tomorrow, destroying my mind’s existence. However, if I lost a close family member, I would be overwhelmed with grief. I wish I could just get rid of this cloud in my head and live normally again. I am only 18 and I’m throwing my future away.

  • RIP

    I don’t know what to do with myself. I’m 16 and very overweight. Sometimes I feel as if my life would be so much better if it ended. No girlfriends or anything in such. And what makes it worse I never settled down and lived. This is my 4th high school and im a jr. I feel like it wouldn’t make a difference to anybody if I died. I can laugh 1 day but the other I mite just jump off the school’s 3rd floor. I’m constantly being made fun of and it bothers me. I tried sports but i’m not really that good in any. My mom wants me to go to college but I think that would just make it worse. Please someone help me. I feel so lost.

  • normalpeople

    i read all the comments and i am feeling bad for all of u people but u know what i feel worst for myself.when someone starts recognizing their responsiblities and reality then some dumb mother f****r gave it the name of a diseae “DEPRESSION”.WE ARE NOT DISEASED PEOPLE U DUMB ASS.WE HAVE BEEN KICKED BY THE LIFE WITH NO PITY.i wonder even medicines have been developed to cure it.it is in all our mind people and we can cure it only by changing our thinking(i know very hard thing to do).pills have been developed to make the f***ing money.doctors call depression a chemical reaction people please tell me from the bottom of ur heart “DO U REALLY BELIVE IN IT REALLY?”all i want to say face the truth that we will die oneday or we can die in
    next second.u people would not like this but to die is the best choice to get relief from all the bullshit.we are borned to die.

  • Andrew

    For me one of the major symptoms is that everything hits me and slows down abruptly until it comes to a stop like someone running into glue. It’s like a black hole centred around a dull ache in the pit of my stomach that almost physically drags my thoughts and breath down.
    My thoughts and attention wind down if I try to do anything and I have to make a conscious effort to start them up again.
    I know what I need to do to fight feeling like this but it’s as if I’m under a spell and my will is not my own. All this evening I’ve known I should try to write some fiction but something overpowering makes me simply lie here.

  • Carrie

    I feel nothing. I move through each say putting one put in front of the other while i am dead inside. I avoid people because I have nothing to say to them anymore and I cant connect or relate to anyone. I’m alone and helpless. I’ve turned into a ghost, a freak. I am lifeless and don’t care about anything. I get dressed every morning, and don’t care what I wear or whether to wash my clothes. I dont care I dont care I am nothing. There is no point in me living anymore, except for my family. My only choice is to get better, I have to get better… to think only a year ago I was a carefree soul who loved life

  • Corey

    I am 17yrs old and when i was 9yrs old i had a girlfriend who died and i sitll have not gotten over it and thought of suicide many of times and often lay in bed with a knife to me chest but i never do it

  • romey

    i feel like the life is boring, i am unable to enjoy any part of my life. even i do not like to talk to my parents, even very simple decision seems to be very tough for me.. i can not enjoy even a secon of my life as i did in my earlier life. please help me out.

  • Caitlyn

    I have this too. I feel unreal and uncertain about everything. My dad died in June. He is still dead. It hit me 2 weeks ago. I fear I could just disappear into thin air. My sense of self is fragile. Unbearably so. Thinking about the vastness of the sky brings me to tears. Feeling an invisible barrier between me and everyone else and my world Is the worst sadness and yearning I’ve ever experienced. My body doesn’t feel as if it’s my own. My voice sounds strange to me. I am just an observer. My life is just a movie. Time passes me by and devastates me. I’ve had depression before. But I’ve never had this. This is not depression. This is DEPERSONALIZATION. The loss of self is possibly the worst loss of all. An identity crisis unlike one I’ve ever known. I will take my own life if this never goes away.

  • William

    I have sat here for last few hours , first reading articles on easier ways to die quickly. I guess I don’t remember ever NOT being depressed. And Im 47 now, my life has passed me by while i wallowed in the depression way over my head. Like others on here, I feel completely unworthy of being on earth, I was placed on disability 9 years ago because of brittle diabetes, and I was already depressed at that time. So its just got worse and worse and worse. no end in sight. Ive taken so many meds with no luck, seen so many counselors that make me feel good for about a half hour after i leave the appt. then its back to realizing ive failed my daughter, my exwife, and am failing to be a decent person in all aspects of living. I have a girlfriend that has so many health probs if I wasnt depressed before meeting her, I certainly would be now. I have such severe anxiety at odd times. I take 2mg lorazapams and they dont even put me to sleep anymore. Im the opposite of others on here in fact I find it difficult to sleep. lucky if i get 3 hours in a night. its now 130am and here i sit, wide awake, depressed, and writing to all of you about it when you know as well as me how detrimental it has been to our lives. between diabetes and the depression i feel it has taken my life prematurely. Idunno, Im a complete mess upon a mess. Think and speak of dying on daily basis for over 25yrs. enough!

  • MQT

    I am going through depression right now actually. I always feel cold and shivering. I dont eat, I play volleyball everyday for hours. I listen to music. It comforts me in a way but I dont pay attention to it. My family always annoy me soo much. I always avoid them at home and use every excuse I can just to not stay at my house. They dont get what I’m going through. I know that I’m depressed and I’m just going to admit it. I’m starting highschool and its a big change for me. I’m thinking of transferring to a school with all my other friends because I know they’re going to make me very happy. If I stay at my school any longer without anyone, I’m evenually gonna go crazy and become even more depressed. I have no idea how long I would be like this before I can actually be happy. Sometimes I feel like my head is soo small and trapped like jail, and I remembered that feeling when I got through my first depression, that it felt so great. My mind was soo open and free and I had amazing friends. Now, my second time going into depression, I just need those friends back to help me.

  • Clone

    I have depression, it took me some 20 years to just come out and say it for fear of being branded with a mental illness. I have known the enemy between my ears for all my life it seems, it is as though I am hardwired to see everything I do in a critical light and replay every stupid or foolish thing I have ever done again and again.
    I am now in my 40s and three years ago started to actually admit there was something wrong. I take what I can my ‘anti-crazy’ pills each day. They make it better, I haven’t come to like myself, not by a long shot, but I no longer hate myself.
    I read so many comments by young folk, teens and 20 somethings, and I want to scream at them to reach out and get some help. Don’t do what I did and live half your life hating yourself and driving people away who really care about you. Please call a help line, tell your doctor, talk to the counselor at school, don’t be me.

  • kat

    I have zero energy i keep thinking just start eating well and exercising that will help but i know that its not to do with my body its to do with my brain and my thoughts, i always fail and i always cry. I have this image of how i want to be (active,energetic,healthy, successful, independent)but i cant do it and i cant get my life sorted im only 20 people my age should be enjoying life but im not im laying here on the couch. now i think im realizing that how i feel is REAL there’s something not right with me in my head.

  • Anonymous

    I am currently depressed. A very extreme amount of suicidal thoughts go through my head every time at night. I just dont have the courage to actually kill myself. I guess it’s because I’m scared if there is a heaven or not. I’m still 50-50. But I’m extremely depressed because a significant other has left me. After i gave her everything, everything that ever made me happy. All my feelings, my love, happiness, everything, I gave it to her and she left. I didn’t cheat on her, I never did anything wrong. She just left because she simply fell out of love for me. But I’m still here deeply, deeply in love with a woman who ignores me now.

    And I know it doesn’t sound like a big deal because she’s just a girl who I fell in love with. But if you’ve ever been this much in love, you never want to be without him/her. And if I can’t have her, why am I still breathing?

  • Leah

    I have these depression ‘episodes’. Like sometimes I just start feeling worthless, cry for no reason, can’t sleep and can’t smile anymore. I never know how long it’s going to last, sometimes it lasts only an hour or so, sometimes a week. I’ve had one that lasted two months, and after a week of feeling alright again, I had a relapse of another month. They’re really frequent, and I can have more than one in a day. I’m in one right now. It started this morning. It’s my brother’s birthday, and our family came over. I felt lost and like I didn’t belong. I was distant all day. It still isn’t over, and I feel the urge to cut myself, but deep down, I know I shouldn’t. I just want this to stop. I’ve been having these periods for over three years now, and I’m sick of it. I want it to stop.

  • Mayank

    Hey I’m Mayank,It’s been about a year and a half since I’ve started medication and going to therapy. However, I’ve been depressed for like 3 or 4 years total. I just feel like it will never go away. Just when I’m back on my feet, something else ruins my life. Part of it’s just me, I’m never happy even though I can put on a happy face. My mom thinks I’m doing fine, but I’m not.For me, I don’t think it will ever end. I get by, but that’s about it. I wonder sometimes if it’s worth it. Do we live our lives or do we sit in the bleachers and watch our lives as if in a stadium.

  • Emily

    I can never see a way out of depression. I’m just so tired. I have always felt this way. When I look in the mirror it seems blurry. I hear my speech slur. I don’t even recognise the shape of my face. I’m looking into my eyes and I just see failure and regret. I can’t feel love anymore.

  • Glorya

    Everyday is becoming a hassle. I’m a sophomore studying biology and now I don’t even feel as I have the intelligence to make it through the program. Everything feels “off” and wrong. As if I have no opinion for anything, and I am too scared to form an opinion. I constantly cry and feel completely frightened because I have to get out of my house. I also can’t seem to take better care of my appearance anymore… I can’t find the effort or motivation to love myself. I feel nothing for the people around me, and I’m finding myself walking around aimlessly just following my instincts instead of forming a clear thought. Everything that I have worked hard to learn is now down the drain because I am having a hard time remembering all important concepts. There is no feeling of passion or hope for my future… I’m just going through everyday like a scared robot doubting my abilities to learn and to comprehend new materials or opinions.

  • Dhruba Mandal

    Hi i had also bad dipression problem i was thinking what will happen , will i die , what will happen to my wife, i was thinking whether this thought comes to my mind only or whether i am seek. i had tried many times to stop thinking this but only these things comes in my mind. I was like MAD but even then i was going to office but my carrier was ruined . I consulted many tantrik but there was no any progress . i show some people dying and i was afraid, i was also thinking whether i will get heart attack or brain hamrage just because of thinking , it was as worse as i can’t explain. but at last i went to doctor and he gave me anti dipression medicine and now i am getting cure ..slowely its takes time but bring you to normal life . So i suggest all my friend to not to be afraid of these all heaven , hell are the things made by brahaman just to survive so that we will afraid and they can survive ….. if your feeling any kind of this problem go to doctor take medicine you will be completly ok ….and next thing is do the Pranayaam it will help you

  • VICTORIA

    Reading all these comments are heartbraking. I have suffered depression since I can remember and it was always manageable until October 2011 when for 3 months until December I slipped into Severe Depression bordering on Psychotic depression it got so bad. Having just started University that month. The usually uber sociable person I was became a withdrawn shadow of a vague me. I was unable to function. I cried atleast 12 hours a day. Not once managing to fall asleep before 7am. Unable to understand how i still had tears left to cry. I would go out but as soon as I saw anyone it was as if a glass box closed around me. I could not connect. Everyone looked different, conversations where pointless. I would ask questions to try and look normal although every sentance took all the effort in the world. Hearing their responses or making sense of their replies where the hardest things if not impossible. Individually I understood the words they where saying but as a sentance it seemed to be mush, pointless chat. Jokes sounded wrong and suddenly made no sense at all. There was NO light at all I felt numb. The feeling was so intensely NUMB. If one of my family members had been shot in front of me during this state I would have cried. Knowing, morally that it was a sad thing. But I know i would not have felt a thing. I knew this at the time but I didn’t care. No matter what anyone says you can’t feel a thing. Love, happiness and caring didn’t exist. The world takes on a completely different tone, a completely different mindset. Walking into the same street with a friend, we both saw completely different things but you don’t always understand this at the time. Everything is darker, in tone and in feeling. Even seeing families, couples, parents, children seemed to be surrounded by a dark sinister cloud. People who were happy became aliens, impossible to understand. One of my friends said “I really want to watch a sad movie, I haven’t cried in a while”. This was shocking I assumed everyone went back to their rooms sat in their beds and cried for hours on end alone as I did. Not thinking of anything just crying and feeling a burning numb feeling inside you just want to grab and rip at your chest to get rid of it. I wanted to die, to leave this life. I didn’t jump out of my window 3 storeys up because I was afraid it wasn’t high enough and Instead of dieing I would just be in pain. More pain, i could not cope with. Death didn’t scare me but it was so unbearable the pain before the death if i did jump, take pills, hang myself etc. I could not risk being in more pain, or more importantly I couldn’t be bothered. I spent hours researching the best ways of just falling asleep with no risk of pain occasionally finding extravagant and unconventianal ways but to lazy or bothered to order the necessary equipment. I didn’t want to have to wait another week. Things where bad. I wanted to be harmed by someone, beaten up and I particularly remember wishing to be raped so that I would have SOMETHING valid to be crying about or feel something. All i wanted was to feel something, scared or hurt. I was completely numb. I knew I would never get out of this state.

    MOST IMPORTANTLY. The reason I am telling you all this is that after reading alot of comments of people still in the same place I was. TRUST ME I know just how bad it is and even if i read this in the state I was in It wouldn’t have made any difference. But if there is atleast 1 person out there who it might help it’s worth the try. It is SOO important 1. that you know you are NOT ALONE or unusually.

    I started on cipralex anti-depressents on a low dose of 5mg and slowly working my way up to 20mg. My doctor told me depression is usually completely BIOLOGICAL. Which has proved true in my case. Your brain does not produce enough ceratonin (the happy chemical). And as he said if you took all of that chemical out of ANYONE they would want to jump out of a window NO MATTER what anyone said. So rather than seeing myself as ON medication it’s like someone who is diabetic having to take insulin to balance out what their body isnt producing the right amount of. THIS IS ALL TRUE.

    Lastly but mainly. I am feeling much better. I am living a normal life. I came back to university after Christmas with confidence again and in 3 days I have made a ton of new friends. Obviously I’m not 100% happy all the time but no one is. It’s a slow progress overall and apparently will take me about a year to have the normal amounts of the chemical made up. But I am NO LONGER in that state anymore, I haven’t gone anywhere near that low. As a normal person I have gone up and down as usual but not particalarly deep lows. IT DOES WORK. It no longer feels as if i’m floating all the time and watching myself from above. I feel like i can see people, interact but more excitingly have CONVERSATIONS and understand why people smile and laugh. It’s been AMAZING FOR ME. I can remember my first real smile in 4 months and I haven’t been able to stop since when I think how great my recovery has been for me. Of course some people won’t recoveer as fast. Everyone is different . but PLEASE give it a try.

    THERE IS A WAY OUT. NO MATTER WHAT YOU THINK YOU CAN’T HIDE FROM IT.

    It’s called CIPRALEX. The only side-effects I got was that the first week I feel really quite nauseous but now I’m completely normal, normal appetite and I’m starting to sleep better. That’s probably what’s taking me longer to adjust to but it may also be due to habit. I am now getting to sleep around 2/3, still late but much better than 7am or the 12 nights I had where I didn’t sleep at all!!!!!!

    KEEP YOUR HEAD UP BUT MOST IMPORTANTLY KEEP YOUR HEART STRONG.

    • Kit

      My 16-year old daughter has severe depression and I can recognize a lot og your thoughts (she has told me lot of her thoughts). It gives me hope, that you came out of it. And I desperately need hope. Thank you for your post.

  • Rose

    I am crying right now. I have wanted therapy, but my family doesn’t have enough time nor can afford it. I am 11 years old. I can’t sleep until about 1 or 2 in the morning. I get pissed at everything. It seems like my friends are ignoring me. It feels like my boyfriend doesn’t like me. I cry about every other day, sometimes more. The world doesn’t seem real anymore. And I keep wondering what it’s like to die. I need help. Please, help me. I try to tell my parents but I don’t trust them. Every time I tell them something they annoy the fucking hell out of me about it. I simply just don’t know what to do. Music is the only thing that keeps me happy. HELP!

  • SkaterAdsk6

    Its feels this way as you described it, i been also most of my life thorgh diferent types of depresion, the ones for me were most hard its regrets and comiting evil. I have been able to endure it only now, somehow woke up from darrkness i had for past 3 years, but its probaly only for time, its may come over again and this may never stop, Eternal wounds does not heal no matter what until you bring time back and not make mistake. But now its done, humans are cruel creatrues and hunger for blood most, the depresion is most core for all motivation, its try to get rid of deppresion, and its cause to this world to suffer, that is only natural, all humans supose to suffer way more, thats their price for power, and rulership over all of this earth.

  • Adam

    I don’t have all this creative nonsence, like feeling dark or grey. That’s just dramatic. I just feel angry and don’t care about anything or anyone but myself and even myself I care little for in terms of hygeine and dressing myself. I find it impossible to concentrate on anyting. The things I love, really bore me nearly instantly. I have a lot of self loathing and my eating habits are just ‘Bear Grylls’. Survival…
    I find it really hard to trust people and I always see past ‘fronts’ people put up. Not for me of course, I barely put this stress on others. I feel used regularly and hate being able to see alterior motives in people and in everyday life.

  • S.B.

    wow. the descriptions of depression on here are very insightful. I too suffered depression for a few months. it scared me so bad – i thought it would never end. Then it did. And just like physical pain, you kind of ‘forget’ how bad it was in many ways and just get on with life (making goals, being happy etc).

    But i do have one question. To those who say they have always been plagued by depression, how would you then know you are depressed? I mean, if it is the default mode, then doesnt that make it ‘normal’ and kind of make everyone else ‘fake-happy’ or strange? My take on depression is that its a little like our opponent process vision – we need some light to recognize when its dark.

    btw, one thing i did notice when i was depressed is that i really didnt like ‘happy’ people. they annoyed me to no end.

  • v

    It feels like being homesick. After all, home is where the heart is, right? Only you can never find “home”! There is no heart, or so it seems. There is a numbness that is overwhelming. Trying to numb the numbness sounds ridiculous, but that’s what it comes down to for some. Self medication is the only form of salvation when it hits. Wanting to connect with others, but fearing betrayal is a constant happening. The thought of trusting even yourself is frightening. The question of “If I don’t want to put up with myself, why would anybody else want to?” rings through my mind like a broken record along with “If I can’t trust myself, why should I trust anybody else?” Depression is a tough thing to diagnose properly. What kind do I have. I have so many questions and they control everything I do. I’m sick of pretending, lying about how I feel and who I really am. I’ve done it for so long that I don’t even know who I am anymore. Luckily, I am still looking in the mirror through what seem to be child’s eyes. My gaze is full of anxiety, confusion, and bewilderment, but also full of so much hope for the future. I am half way through my life and I still feel so much hope, more so as the despair grows stronger.

  • Okay

    I was diagnosed with major depression years ago; and, although the treatment they gave me(prozac I think it was) worked it brought me into what I can only describe as mania, although at the time I had absolutely no idea what was going on. Just recently, however, I read up on mania after having had very similar feelings just a few months ago(it freaked me out, tbh, thanks to the fact that I was also feeling very insecure and self-loathing in addition to being all wired up at the time) and I fit just about every symptom on the list during that past period of time years ago now(I don’t remember how long it lasted though, it had to have been at least a couple months); but, anyway, after all of that I fell back into a depression(I think; I’m not entirely sure though, especially considering that I’m not a mental health professional) and started to feel extremely suicidal. In fact, I remember one particularly horrible day where I just cried in class for absolutely no reason all the while thinking of what the best and most painless way to kill myself might be. From then on, I’ve had periods of time where I just feel very suicidal and have an urge to kill myself, and I don’t know if I actually have any sort of mental illness or am just a self-pitying sissy. Either way though, I’m pretty afraid to tell anyone how I feel for scores of reasons, a trip to the mental hospital being one of them, but I saw this comments section and just felt like venting and maybe even possibly getting some opinions on the matter. I’d also just like to know if I’m normal as of now and should just toughen up or actually seek help due to the chance that I may have been misdiagnosed and given the wrong treatment back when I was evaluated. Either way, I think it’s pretty f***ed up that wanting to blow your brains out is considered relatively normal in today’s society.

  • c 23

    hi thank you for writing this page about deppression it helped me understand a bit, i hav been bullied with the last couple of years and its all stopped now and i feel like im going crazy cause its only now its affecting me, i get these thoughts that i dont want to b with my boyfriend who im with 8 years and everytime i think that i get pyshically sick and get panic attacks because i no i do want to b with him and these thoughts are so scary cause i love him but he has been with me tru everything so everytime i look at him lately i c the dark times i had will this go its making me so sick, i stopped eating, i dont want to b around anyone i dont enjoy doing anything anymore and im just afraid of everything.

  • all binged out

    I have struggled with this gloomey existance since I was 5 years old, I am 38 now. The past three years I have dealt with the reasons why I binge eat. I did not realize that I used food to numb my feelings until I was recovering from Gastric Bypass Surgery. My sleep disturbance started in 2008 and now is full insomnia. I am isolated from my entire family. I tried to take my life in 2010 to relieve the emotioal rollercoaster, but I woke up in a hospital. I have been on 5 different anti depressants and suffered severe side affects that caused the loss of employment 1 year ago. There are times that I am so detatched from my surroundings, that I sit still and stare off into the distance. Life for me is being lived in a dull fog, just like on the movie: The Others. I have no desire to communicate with other people. When I have a moment of feeling like my normal self, it may last a few hours or one day. Then the dullness takes over. I can best describe it as walking around looking at the same things over and over again as if you know what is going to happen before it happens. Nothing is unpredicatable. Same shit different day. I was so triggered after christmas, that i stayed in bed taking sleeping pills and binging on candy and carbs for 5 days straight. When I finally got up, it was 2012. Happy New Year! My cheat is in a constant state of tightness, my patience is short, my concentration is next to nothing. My ability to make important decisions is slim. I live for doctors appointments and therapy appointments. If there is a magic pill that will wipe out traumatic memories, feelings,sounds,and smell, I would be first in line to take it. Some family members think I am making all of this up. I was good at hiding this for years until I could no longer use food to cover my pain. Now my body has healed from the weightloss surgery and now I can binge like there is no tomorrow. I find myself struggling to not develop another addiction, too late. I am still hopeful of some kind of relief until then, all binged out!

  • Lost

    The nightmares are inconceivable. Horrific and graphic scenes of death, loss and massive destruction, they all seem so real. The yearning to just die quietly and alone overwhelms me, but i can’t seem to succumb to death by my own hands. No one cares to talk to me, much-less hear about my depression. My fiance hates my depression many times the anger he has is so heavy that i can feel it weighing my shoulders down and making my knees week. He says it to my face too and he makes me feel so guilty for being depressed, he says things that really hurt my feelings. I’m scared and lonely, he comes home from work and distracts himself with online PC games, night after night, i sit next to him for hours trying to spend time with him and he just ignores me. Then if i complain, which is like once in a blue moon, he goes nuts and makes me feel like i am responsible for every bad thing in his life. I have so much guilt on my shoulders. These I am so silent that it scares me, i loathe myself, my voice trembles when i speak. I’m going through a relapse and i feel like i am going insane. I just wish i could close my eyes and wake up somewhere other than here. There’s a constant ticking in my head and it’s getting louder. I’m in state of shock/paralysis/trance most of the day. I’m always tense, never relaxed. People don’t care about each other like they used to, the human race is mostly made up of ignorant and greedy fools that think it’s ok to screw up someone’s perceptions and beliefs. I’m so gullible and frail. I grew up believing in peace and love and the goodwill of all mankind. I’ve given so much of myself and never asked for much of anything in return. Now i’m lost, my soul is bleeding, my heart is aching, life seems to hold no purpose to me anymore. I’ve done what I came to do here on earth, I’ve done my fair share of duties and i bear the scars to show every battle i have fought. Life has been harsh and rough on me. I can’t put on a brave face anymore, I feel fragile and disoriented, I’m totally disconnected from my being. My memory is pretty bad too, my brain feels weak and it hurts so bad. Depression is such a horrible disease. I just wish it would go away, the second time around is even worse, especially when you’re trying to reach out and people just ignore you like you’re a plague. I feel disgusted by my depression and what it has done to me. I’m always apologizing for being depressed but it’s never enough. I have severe major depression, PTSD and severe anxiety and I have to keep quiet about it. I have to choke on my feelings and emotions cause no one seems to really care how i feel, no one listens cause they think I’m crazy……I’m starting to think i really am crazy.
    This is my wing of madness…or at least a small part of it. I haven’t even gotten to the death of my dad or my abusive alcoholic mom. I’m in pretty deep.

  • anwar

    i a 20 years old and feel sick and tired of this dull world.i think the reason for this feeling is withdrawal from drug use and not achieving the dreams i had for my age.after reading other comments am glad that am not alone who has this weird feelings but i differ with some and like some others in symptoms. i can not list all what i feel but my worst feeling is that i cannot converse well or i will go out of topic every time which is due to lack of concentration, feeling so lazy and hard to make decision which was so simple for me before. i have gained weight sleep peacefully alhamdullilah. i am in an enclosed world of not having and wanting any friends, i also do not want to talk to my parents and every one because i feel what they talk about makes no sense to me. i always need time to think of my big impossible dreams like having super powers. and many others. AM I DEPRESSED? OR WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME? i am having this feeling for like 8 months now and cant take it anymore. any advice would be highly appreciated

  • leon

    Ive suffered from depression since early childhood, one of my first memories was over powering feeling of doom and abandonment, it hit me like a bolt of lightning i was probably about 6 years old at the time and that was the start of my depression. When i was growing up i did’nt understand why i felt as bad as i did, but as i got older i realised that this feeling was far from normal. Then the depression started to manifest in other ways, the classic symtoms i guess you would call them; difficulty sleeping, staying awake during the day, anxeity, the feeling on not fitting in with other children, self hatred and disgust with my physical appearence. I am now 36 years old and still live with these symtoms today. I grew up with a loving, supportive family and have suffered no major trauma in my life to justify why i feel the way i do, the way i always have. It is something i was born with a chemical or hormonal imbalance. I cannot share how i feel with anyone i can only hide it and hide it well i hope. I have thought about suicide for years on and off but could never do that to the people i love. Ive laid in bed night after night hope that i dont wake in the morning, that i die peacefully in my sleep. Ive thought about planning the perfect accident that would claim my life and spare my family from the sigma of suicide. More recently however ive started to feel very angry not at myself but at my illness, angry at what causes it, angry at what little is know about it. Why the F**k should i suffer this hell, ive done nothing wrong and neither have any of you. Most of all i feel angry about how many people there are out there who have to suffer, i had know idea there are so many of you. From all of the comments i have read on this website i realise that we all have more of less the same symtom’s of this terrible illness, of which there are many. This makes me think that the causes of depression are not as complicated as i’d always though or been told. I would love to know have many ‘non-profit making’ organisations there are that actually do medical research into the causes of depression. There sure is a sh*tload of ‘profit’ making ones, which dont give me much faith. Maybe we should create our own research organisation, ‘for people who suffer’ funded ‘by people who suffer’. If eveyone one the planet who had ever been affected by depression directly or indirectly donated 1 dollar, i’m sure we would have the worlds leading research and more importantly ‘treatment’ faciltiy. Finally i would just like to say: You’d better watch you ‘ass’ depression cos i’m coming for you !!

  • Julie

    Jeff’s comment (#42):, “I am so miserable and at times I get so frustrated that I want to do something bad because maybe if I suffer consequences then that will reassure me that I’m real” is similar to the way I feel with one difference: I feel like I’ve already done something bad, and need to suffer the consequences for it. So because I feel like I’ve done something bad (but don’t know what it is), I do something bad (like getting angry at someone). The action of doing something bad relieves the dissonance I felt before I acted upon the feeling, but the relief is only temporary because after I get angry, for example, I immediately regret having done it, and then I feel even more depressed than before.

  • ...

    Happy New Year guys.
    Though I doubt any of you actually feel it like myself.

    I’ve been numb for over 2 years now i think because my mind could no longer take all the pain I was feeling so I shut down. I’ve loved it when it happened because I was so in control. Then I detested it because finally after I dated a great girl that could have probably been a wonderful love, I couldn’t for the life of me give her the love I used to feel and give to others. I’ve learned to accept my numbness now.

    I still feel empty and as if I’m out of place. I observe others and wonder why I can’t be a part of them. My ambitions are dead. I used to make videos on youtube and my popularity was growing and I even had fans that obsessed over me upon meeting me. Now, I just don’t care. I just can’t bring myself to edit anything. I have no thought process and feel as if my memory can’t work properly, so I feel stupid when I forget things quickly after hearing them. I can sit for hours, staring somewhere not thinking a single thought even though before I couldn’t shut off my brain.

    I’m comfortable with this kind of numbness however I am bored. Bored of life and everything around me. I just started college and completed my first term already and I wish my memory was better because I’m struggling. I’m trying quite hard to focus on it and get far in life.

    What brings me to this site, If anyone bothers to read, is that in college I’ve met someone who I found an attraction to. We have been somewhat together for a little while but not in a relationship. I thought I was in lust, when in fact I was caught off guard and actually felt something. So, we’ve made plans for the new years and I was excited to see them again and that was all I had to look forward to for 2-3 long weeks of a break. Then, I got stood up and drugs were chosen over me. Lol…. So I think I’m back to being blank now on my own accord.

    I think I’ve learned to control this apathy however I find that happiness was never for me. The moment I TRULY feel inner happiness, something VERY soon crashed down. I’m not the type to be a dramatic person so when I say it crashed down, it really fucking does. People love my personality and say I’m very attractive but I wonder, why the fuck do I get so fucking screwed over then? :/

    I’ve never resolved to anger but after crying all night on new years until morning due to pitying myself of the constant repetition of events (not because of the person), I got so angry that I began to release myself through punching. I’m not hurt enough to hurt myself physically anymore, so I only punched semi-hard objects.

    Lol…but anyways that was a tad off topic maybe. I don’t know why people write about their feelings because reading same shared experiences doesn’t make me feel any better. It’s sad to know that people are just STUCK like that but I don’t know any other alternative.

    MY ADVICE (since I haven’t read any on here that can help), is focus on yourself. When it comes to relationships, focus on YOUR happiness. I get screwed over in that department so I don’t bother anymore. I just go with the flow and do as I please. If it’s not regarding relationships, focus on the things you like. For some, loneliness and time to yourself isn’t a cure so spend time with others and try to get a sense of belonging, as hard as it is. Do whatever YOU want. Even if you have no motivation. If you remember something you liked to do in the past, DO IT.

    The issue I’ve noticed with depressed people is that they usually either pity themselves or are just so striked by this odd way of living that they can’t do anything about it and just wait for something to happen. For those not wanting to be miserable, simply DO SOMETHING ABOUT IT:

    COOK, CLEAN, WALK, READ, LEARN, RUN, EXERCISE, DRAW, PAINT; ANYTHING!

    Just do anything! I know how hard it is…but Make yourself do it. It’s my only solution if you’re not taking any medication from a doctor…I feel that if I get help from someone (especially doctors) I’m weak so I don’t bother. Perhaps the only reason I haven’t killed myself was because I swore to whatever higher power or being that there might be that I will fight through this shitty ass life and prove whatever being that I am strong willed.

    Anyways, I hope it helps if anyone bothered to read this long ass message.

  • Niamh

    Just had to post in response to the posts I’ve read from people under 18 years old – looking back on things I believe I’ve suffered from depression since I was 10 or 12 years old. I commend your understanding of what you need in your life right now, and I wish you strength.

  • evie, 15

    i feel like this depression will never go away, it feels like every single day i have to pretend to be okay, even when i laugh with friends its their niggling in the back of my mind, i always think, i dont deserve to even be happy, i have a reacurring thought to people “why are you being so nice to me” some days i spend in bed it feels like theres just nothing going on nothing seems fun anymore. i only feel excited when someone mentions a “drinkup” (alcohol) or get high, i suppose it allowed me to feel out of myself away from it all other times i guess it makes the stuff in my head worse then it all comes out and i cry so much, but i get tired of crying and ive spilled the story out to so many different people so so so many times its like you feel you dont even have the stregnth anymore to even bring the subject up, at the start counselling sessions helped, they can make you better afterwards but sometimes it feels like you just cant talk and for me after a while you just get tired of it all you feel exhausted from thinking of it all and right now i just typed alot of things that i dont even want to read over because it seems pretty silly. huh yeah did i mention depression makes you feel not there you dont feel real and all of a sudden everything that once meant something to you has dissapeared and all i can say now all the time is just “i dont care” because i actually dont care. but a little bit left of me a tiny bit says i do but nothings worth it

  • Rachel

    Hey. I been in a deep depression and currently on prozac for about a year now. This list is exactly how I feel and I think anybody who is depressed can also relate. Since I’m only 16 some people view adolescent depression as a ” phase ” but it effects everyone in various ways. It really is a disease of the mind and sometimes I wish it would just go away but it feels as if depression is now my personality. I think depression should be taken more seriously. Thanks for putting up this list.

  • emily

    you would feel very restless/can’t sleep/can’t even remember if u went to bed/won’t eat/may lose weight/cry alot/have alot of anger/won’t shower/hopeless/helpless/feel no one cares about u/nothing matters/may want to hurt yourself and others/don’t care to change clothes
    and after this is over may have guilt

  • V

    ALE: The feeling of not knowing how or why things are happening sounds like anxiety. I get it too. The attacks are so strange. Out of nowhere things I have taken for granted like seeing, hearing, or walking are all of a sudden frightening and confusing. It’s almost as if I’ve crossed into territory I shouldn’t be in. Like I’ve gotten to close to figuring out why I’ve been put here and I’m being punished for being so close. It makes everything I see too contrasted, and almost unbearable to look at. My hands don’t seem like my own. It makes me question if anything is real at all. It throws me into a sense that I’m dreaming. I have learned to control my attacks to some extent by repeating in my mind, “It will pass. Nothing has changed. You’ve been here before. You’ll be okay.” It seems to put an end to them more quickly and gives me a small feeling of accomplishment.

  • D

    Another year has gone by and I am still in my sorry state. I’m very lucky to be working, but I never can say I feel good or look forward to anything. I’m not living, I’m just existing. The only thing that temporarily feels good is masturbating. My head is so screwed up that I wanted to try and masturbate with a married female friend and it almost cost me a friendship. It’s an endless cycle I can’t escape from….

  • Laurie Morris

    I have suffered from depression all my life. With 30 years of counseling and medication, I have at least finally become able to function 90% of the time. My family has little or no contact…I know my successful son is ashamed of me. He married into a mentally, physically and financially fit family and has “moved on.”
    Depression is as deadly and ominous a disease as any cancer, yet it carries an awful stigma of shame for its victims.
    It is unrelenting, unbearable sadness….that is simply there.

  • Ris

    It feels like sinking. Trying to swim, but you can’t seem to kick hard enough or move your arms right. Like when you’re trying to wave for help, and you keep dipping under the surface every time you try to yell and swallow a mouthful of water instead.

    It feels like never being warm no matter how many blankets and sweaters you wear.

    It’s wanting to touch someone – hold hands, hug, sit close – just to remind yourself that there are other people in the world, but not remembering how.

    It’s taking two steps and feeling exhausted.

    It’s reading the same sentence over for five minutes without absorbing a word of it.

    It’s forgetting if you already washed your hair in the shower — three times.

    It’s pulling the blanket over your head so you don’t have to see what time it is by the sun.

  • Lucy

    one thing i have to add is that depression never seems to give you any breaks, you may only realize it after you start taking medicine but you do really feel numb. My family was odd, my dad was an addict in denial and pretending to be a churchy holy man, shaming us kids for everything we could never be, trying to make it look like our family was perfect in everyone else’s eyes, my mom was depressed. The only way i was able to feel anything was when i started taking medicine, in fact before I did i had to beg my parents to let me take it! (around this time it was about 2 years after my mother was diagnosed with breast cancer)around then I started to figure that something was wrong and i was tired of it.

    a few months after treatment I began to feel better, so much in fact that I actually started making friends!

    point is that i hate to say it but all of those negative feelings and thoughts, its all in your head, you are worth so much more than that. you WILL gain control over this and if you are scared of medicine, request the lowest dose (witch is almost nothing but just enough)depression is you’re body is low on serotonin. this can be due to genetics or things in the past like past drug use etc. Just know that no matter how much you might think people will be better off without you, it is NOT TRUE! I have known this kid since he was little, his name was cory. he was the sweetest kid ever but when he got into highschool he came out as gay. this kid only hung out with about 3 people and his family problems were things he mostly kept to himself. he thought no one cared about him. it makes me want to cry knowing that he diddnt think know how many people cared about him. he was so depressed from the constant bullying at school. but his funeral was packed. I wish he knew how many people cared before he did it.

    My point is that you dont know how many people care about you. just because they dont talk to you all the time dosnt meen they wont cry and hurt for a long time after your gone. and being in this siduation (he died 3yrs ago) I still think and feel sad about him all the time. he was special, YOU ARE SPECIAL AND LOVED!

    you will get through this, its ok to get help, just dont go please?

  • Ale

    For me it Just started last week. before all this I was happy I would go out all the time and now all i ever want to do is be home or with my girlfriend were I feel way better. 2 hours ago I was actually at her home but i started to panic. I start to question How am i moving my arm how is that possible? how am i thinking and moving? and I start to think everything isnt right. I always reasure myself its real and i know that but it still happens then i begin to forget it and out of no were it creeps in my thoughts. I always feel odd or weird. I feel slow and I don’t need to feel that way especially with this . I being my last year in high school were i have hard classes.I sometimes forget were I am.I hate how I feel now. I cant tell my parents anything because ill worry them and ill be embrassed ill feel like ill be placed as a “crazy I feel as if I cant handle it anymore and if I have to do this for the rest of my life i rather not be alive.

  • Pip

    I hurt so much sometimes and other times I feel empty. I go to sleep because I don’t want to deal with life anymore but when I sleep I have nightmares and flashbacks of being raped. I feel anxious then depressed then empty. Being at work is unbearable sometimes, pretending to be happy and trying to focus when I can’t. I don’t know who to talk to or trust. I just want it to stop.

  • Niamh

    im only 15 and i got into drugs a while back, i dont know if that has anything to do with how i feel these days but im not myslef anymore.
    its been about 7 months and it just seems to be never ending. i used to be such a happy person, not just when im with my friends but also when im with my family. i still act like a happy person aound my friends but when i get home i stopped pretending and my family just sees my as a selfish, self absorbed brat. but the thing is im not. i feel like im so selfish all the time because people have so many more worse things going on in their lives, but me, i dont know why i feel like this. its never ending, im so unhappy with everything.
    i can relate to so many things on this website its crazy. i found this website when i looked up ‘what does depression feel like’ i think i know now.. but i guess i have an advantage because i do have hope. well sometimes.. but i just constanly hope that it will get better. thats all i have.

  • Kevin

    I can really relate to the posts on here. I’m 41 and have been dealing with depression for over 20 years. I did come out of it once with medication and it was like a whole new world. Like someone just flipped a switch. It was a slow process but every day got better. Then I went off the medication for a while then went back into depression. I’m currently the worst I’ve ever been. Isolated myself, very little contact with people… I just want it all to end. I will hold on as long as I can hoping to find the right medication. Medication takes you to the point where talk therapy or self talk actually will work. I can still barely remember this from the past. Wishing you all luck with this terrible battle.

  • whirlwind

    Where to begin… I’m with my very loving family, whom I barely see, for the holidays and I can barely muster up the strength to crawl out of bed to hang out with them. I can rarely organize my thoughts and this is one of the most suffocating parts of the disease. Nothing I do is ever good enough… Even if I accomplish something, which is becoming rarer and rarer, I don’t give myself proper credit. I waste my days in self pity when I know that just by getting off the couch and doing something productive that it would make me feel 10 times better. If I didn’t have decently good looks I know I would have no reason to live… It’s so shallow and disgusting but I can’t help thinking this way. I just want to escape this mental prison and find a way to bring my old confidence back. Even writing this I am frustrated with myself because I feel as tho I can not describe my thoughts well enough… I’m such an idiot. Well I’m 21 and a college student so I’m going to milk the excuse to party and fill my mind with nonsensical amounts of substances for as long as humanly possible. It pains and scares me so much to see how many if us there are going through this… With such few success stories. May God help us all

  • asif iwould myemail

    I wake up most mornings wishing that I didn’t…. then I have a good cry cuz I don’t have the courage to end it all myself. I am angry and totally beaten in the same moment. My appetite for self pity and loathing discusts me. (as does the fact that I can not spell discusts) The fact that I know that all I have to do is reach out and tell someone makes all of this even worse. I want to disappear just go away not exist. I dont want another f…n pill i dont want to ‘talk’ about my feelings or my life or anything!!!!!
    And then theres the husband and grown kids to consider…. i dont want anyone else to hurt/// for however a short a period;;;; cuz i know their pain would be short…. life goes on (hahahaha) and frankly their lives would be less complicated without crazy mom to f,,k things up…lol ,,,, full circle to the courage thing… and there u have it! depression in a ‘nut’shell

  • Al

    For me, I feel empty and emotionally numb a lot of the time. It’s like I have no emotions at all. But I’m also over-sensitive, so I get very sad, anxious, and irritable. I don’t like either ‘option.’ Being emotionally numb makes me want to feel something, anything at all, just to know that I’m still alive (it’s more like I exist now). And being sad, anxious, and irritable makes me feel bad all on their own. I want to feel happiness and contentedness again!

    I feel abandoned a lot of the time, like no one even cares about how much I hurt. Because it’s not a ‘real’ disease. (yeah right!) It doesn’t help that I have been abandoned by my friends because of my depression. They just think I’m crazy, self-centered, or a jerk. Apparently I chose to be this way according to them.

    I cry a lot; I get easily frustrated; my emotions are out of whack and my perception’s off; I withdraw from others; and I lose my self-esteem, self-confidence, self-worth, and self-love.

    I don’t like myself anymore. I want to be the way I used to be. Right now I don’t even have my real personality anymore– that’s how bad my depression is! And I want to feel positive emotions again.

    Yet there is one positive emotion I can still feel. For some strange reason I can still feel hope. And oddly enough I do still have a lot of hope too. Depression was not able to take that one away from me, at least not for long. I’m thankful for that. ^_^

  • V

    I’m 30 and have been dealing with depression for roughly 20 years. I was a normal happy kid and then one day depression seemed to hit me like a ton of bricks. The stress has caused physical pains such as irritable bowel syndrome, hives, headaches, constant joint pain, and TMJ from clenching my teeth. It has caused me to experience loneliness, promiscuity, uncontrollable crying, fits of rage, extreme fear of EVERYTHING, memory loss, confusion, severe anxiety and panic attacks. The attacks and confusion sometimes get so bad that several times in my life I wasn’t even sure if I was alive anymore, as if I was in my own personal Hell. I felt as if everyone and everything in my life had been conjured up in my own mind. I felt like I had gone completely insane. I am extremely ambivalent about just about everything. I feel like Jekyll and Hyde. I want to trust people because of my hope of finding friends, but I don’t want to trust people due to my fear of being used or left behind. I desperately want to be happy, but when a happy moment arises I quickly shut it down to protect myself just in case things start to go sour. I self sabotage relationships just as I sabotage happy moments. I’m good at starting arguments and I do it often even though I hate arguing. I want a job, but because of my fear of rejection I don’t even apply for one. I love sleeping, but I have night terrors so I hate sleeping. Limbo is the word that describes how I feel. Going nowhere, just lingering around without any purpose.

  • Joanna

    I think im going through depression. Im usually a very happy soul and i smile and laugh all the time asif its like breathing. But i dont want to shower anymore i hate cleaning now and im always imagining myself happier or of death. My family make it hard for me too. I honestly dont know what to do anymore.

  • Emily

    5 years of hurt and pain bite at me constantly. Looking in the mirror I see a waste of space, someone who doesn’t use the true value to what they have; a home, a family, friends, an education. But none of them seem to matter anymore, it’s like a thick fog that won’t lift.
    Taking my own life doesn’t sound as bad as I would have thought a few years ago, shaving my legs I stare at my razor blade and wonder if today I’ll have the guts to take myself today. My drunk father always forgets my name,and I wonder if what he says and does are actually him or the alcohol talking to me.
    Just to find that out, something to make me completely disappear from all the things that bust through me day after day, would be a miracle.
    But nobody is coming for me; I just don’t deserve their attention.
    I don’t deserve anything.

  • Joseph

    Hi I’m Joe and i suffer daily,I am 45 feel like a complete loser and systematically dismantled every relationship I had over the past ten years,especially with the love of my life,which I have been living with the guilt of destroying for two years now.I have had been on top of this for a long time,I was diagnosed when I was 29 but I probably suffered longer I guess my early teens,youthfulness is very resilient that’s probably why It was missed and mistaken for being arrogant,hot tempered,cold .The main problem was exposure from conversations,I had never heard of depression or known any fellow people with the illness,it was a hushed topic,I do know stress triggers it for me,and the winter months,I do combat this with diet,exercise at the gym,wellness seminars,most of all people to love,family,friends,a spouse,even though I’m down now I know things can only get better.I wish good tidings to all who suffer as I do.

  • It Never Stops

    It never stops it’s always there, lingering. Then it shows up in full force and slams me against the wall, stays for a while, sometimes a long long time. Then it slinks away and watches from the dark, lingering.

    This has been with me my entire life, I’ve had to learn to wear a mask just to deal with the public, when I’m home I crash and don’t care. I have zero friends since I don’t contribute to the friendship and they just go away. I bury myself in the Internet since I can just leave it when I don’t want to talk to anyone and then show up again when I have a little energy to spend.

    I just don’t care, I get so MAD sometimes, I scream and yell and want to break something but I’m afraid to because it may not stop. I’m too much of a coward to end it all, because I don’t have all my affairs in order and don’t have a clue where to start to get it all done. Everything is so hard for me, cooking, cleaning, eating. If I don’t HAVE to go outside I won’t, I can stay inside for days on end. Sleep? What is it? I wish I could sleep and get away from it all. Bills not paid, no money to do it, want to improve but am so overwhelmed with how to do it, start reading and mind wanders away within the first 2 paragraphs so I give it up. Play games to shut my mind, to get away from life, shut the world off. I want someone to take care of me, so tired, so tired, so tired. Just want it all to end.

  • Niamh

    My depression feels like I’m being pulled further and further away from the people I love and the things I enjoy. I feel like I’m trapped behind a pane of glass, able to see the things I used to enjoy but not able to participate. I lose my ability to talk about what’s happening – I feel mute.

  • AW

    I’ve never known another depressed person, and I’ve never gotten professional help for it, so I’m not sure how well my story relates to yours. In my case I feel like everything about me is just wrong. Everything I say is wrong, everything I do is wrong, every decision I make is just horribly, irrevocably wrong, and it’s become a drain on everyone around me. Sometimes I remember the odd embarrassing moment, and I can’t just let it go, I have to dwell on it and relive it and never forgive myself for it even if it wasn’t remotely important. I’ll see a touching scene or hear happy music and nearly break down from the reminder that yes, this kind of happiness is real, but it will never happen to me. I feel confused about why nothing makes sense anymore, terrified that it might just stay this way forever, but most of all I just feel so guilty. I feel like I shouldn’t be this dramatic, that some people have lives far worse than mine, and that I have a responsibility to them to enjoy what I have. I feel guilty about my family having put so much effort into making me a functional human being only for me to never quite measure up. I feel guilty about everyone around me who wonder why I can’t just be happy like everyone else so they can get on with their lives without me getting in the way. I don’t know if this is really what this page is about, so if you can’t relate than I’m sorry.

  • John

    i have half the list for depression, but not thoughts of death. One thing i found that helps is talking to my cuz. So how do u truly get rid of depression?

  • robby

    I am 20 years old, my house consists of, myself, my son, my wife, my mother, my younger brother, and some dude we let in off the street. between everyone screaming, and bitching about everything, which adds to my depression, i never even get a chance to take a walk. i dont have the time to feel sorry for myself. the only reason i havent left, and just disappeared, by any means, is i cant leave my son behind, and 2 im not sure i would be able to make it if i took him with me. i dont know what to do, everything i do screws up somehow. its not in my head. my mother tells me so. as does my brother. if anyone even knew the shit i had to deal with, on TOP of my bipolar disorder/ manic depression, they would probably just run away and not care. too big. ive been through counseling, all kinds, and they dont care. all they want is their fuckin paycheck. again, ive seen this. one of them even said the words, “it really isnt my problem, but i get paid to deal with it” i graduated with my ged 3 years late, on the eighth. six days ago. the only thing ive ever completed.

  • Oscar Mendoza

    Well for me, it seemed my life was going in fast motion and I couldn’t enjoy moments anymore. It seemed all the happy moments were going too fast and I could not enjoy them. When I thought about this, my anxiety got worse and that gave me panic attacks.

  • stiffnee2000

    Shame. Terror. Depletion.

    Anger. — at being judged by those who should love me.

    Tired. — of the cycle. and of the downward spiral. ever downward. Ever less potential, possibility, capability, usefulness, motivation.

  • AJ

    Well, I would have never thought that I would be on this side of depression. I was always the one who lifted others up and told them to shake out of it. I just could not understand how one could be so non-productive and non responsive. My how things have changed. What does depression feel like to me? My best analogy would be that of a cell phone. At first it is fully charged, holds it charge and functions at its maximum. Then you notice it jams up more often, you have to shut it on and off to get it to perform, and then one day no matter how many times you, power it on and off, or charge it to capacity, it simply will not hold its charge. That is me and my relationship with depression in a nutshell. I just can not keep my charge. Now that I am aware of the condition I try to will myself into action but remaining in action is so difficult. My motivation is completely gone. I do a pretty good job masking it, in fact I bet no one would believe that this condition would be one that I relate to on a daily basis. Being depressed is depressing….sigh!. I really wish I could go back to not knowing what it is like.

  • Nonexist.

    Some of those fit.
    Mainly there is no point for me to continue to live each day. Never was.
    Fear and delusion kept me living this long.
    Over both of them now and just waiting to get my methods together and I am out of this useless life.

  • Warmsheet

    HA.HA. I’ve been depressed for more than 10 years, but I can’t even relate to any of the comments I’ve so far read.

    Emotion? Situation? Describing it seems futile. Can’t get myself all poetic with my situation. Haha. So envious to you people who could still describe what a foggy daylight is. What a glass-covered world is. I miss my imagination. My brain is stuck with all these sordid things I even shame myself.

    What’s a depression? Is it a fleeting thing? If it lasts you a decade and you’re still alive, does that imply you’re not depress anyway and just making bland excuse to be unproductive?

    I think I’m depressed. Sorry if this is how I describe my depression. There’s nothing positive about it. Not even words.

  • all of us

    even here i don’t want anyone to know where i am. tired. feeling like there has to be more, but not sure i can have it. not sure i want to make the effort to reach out. every key stoke takes effort. i’ve read the other posts. wondering if there is a way out ……the shame of having such thoughts

  • Anne

    Rationally i know i feel like this because my mother abused me physically and verbally and turned my father against me so i used to think my friends were special because their parents showed them love. My mother callled me a hateful little girl she told me i was evil but i can see now i was just a normal child but i became very withdrawn at school, when the teacher asked my parents if there was anything wrong they were angry at me for ‘showing them up’ and asked why couldn’t they have a ‘normal’ child? i am 47 now i have internalised this shit so on bad days i believe im a terrible person who will contaminate anyone who gets close to me. But i am blessed with good friends and my husband won’t let me go even tho i want to set him free as i feel so unworthy.I have really good times when i feel so happy and full of energy and everything fits together so internal and external reality is the same but i always seem to pay for this like i don’t deserve it and then my world comes crashing down and i lose all perspective again.Thank you all so much for sharing your innermost selves i am so relieved im not the only one to feel these things although i would rather nobody felt like this i found this site at a really dark time and it has helped me to feel im not alone or weird just unlucky to have this condition..please please don’t give up hope there will be good times again although it seems impossible to believe right now..be gentle with yourself you are only human we are all the same inside but some of us have been hurt more and healing is a slow process.It has helped me to learn more about myself and what triggers an episode of depression, so i am learning how to look after myslef and take each day as it comes.

  • Rae

    Some days are worse than others. Just want to get drunk and sleep. Tried some mental health help and basically had several doors slammed in my face or was nearly forced to see someone I didn’t want to and could not afford. Thanks a lot to that so-called “professional” counselor. Want to die but can’t imagine doing it. Days are so long. I feel I contribute nothing to anybody, old and worn out. Symptoms I can’t explain and neither can the doctors apparently. Physical pain I know has no basis. I can’t take their fucking meds. What is the point of anything?

  • tuesday

    I’m thirteen and i have had these feelings for what feels like forever. i dont remember when it started. i feel like any adult would say “youre just hormonal” or “youre just a teenager”. I dont know if i am “just a teenager” having normal struggles but for a wile i have started to think this cant be normal. if this was normal than surely I would know. Id be able to talk to my friends about it ? i love my friends and i have many of them but Iv only ever told one of my friends the way I feel because he’s been there too. I have head aches for no reason, everyday. everyday of school i feel like I weigh the world, i struggle to even move to my next class. I want this to be over. I cant study or focus, i snap at my family, i cut myself repeatedly. I know if soeone heard i cut myself many people would say “attention seeker”. society doesnt want to hear my problem. society doesnt want to know. Im alone. I just can’t escape this feeling I experience everyday. Am I wrong, is this just being a teenager?

  • no one

    Here I’ll add to the miserable chorus. No energy, no feeling, no future. I wait until I get home to fall apart. Sometimes I worry what will happen if I’m in public and break down crying like I do when I’m alone. People become cold and distant when I tell them how I really feel. I’m lying on my bed in the dark, procrastinating my life away because I don’t understand anything… everything I see, everything I read leaks out of my head as soon as it enters… I can’t concentrate, I’m losing the intelligence for which I was once praised. I’m ugly and disgusting and stupid. I’m probably also gay. I hate myself. I think homosexuality is God’s or Darwin’s way of weeding out the unfit from the gene pool, and I’m next on the list. If I died the world would be better off… the only thing that keeps me from suicide is that my family would miss me. We’ve already had one relative kill himself, when I was a kid, and even then I remember thinking one day I would probably do what he did. I don’t know why I’m alive. I’m useless and I cry all the time.

  • Kimberly

    I knew I was different since grade school. I could not understand how others lived “normal” lives and how I just existed.

    In high school I tried to kill myself. I never told anyone at the time. I actually thought it was normal for people to think of killing themselves.

    I made it through college okay and started working without any depression. However about ten years of working I started feeling horrible mentally. I cried and cried all the time but I did not know why I was crying. Getting out of bed was a struggle. Just taking a shower was a major task. I started feeling anxious and had a panic attack. One Sunday a was lying in bed crying all afternoon. My cat was out of cat food and I physically could not get out of bed. I had to get a neighbor to go to the store for me.

    I wanted out. I went shopping for a gun but I was too embarrassed to buy one. I got really bad and out of desperation I went to see a psychiatriast. He put me on meds that made me so sleepy I could not function in life. I was sedated. I tried about six different meds until I found Pristiq. I love it. It saved my life. I still feel a little sedated but it is okay. However I have gained over 60 pounds. But I don’t care because I feel so much better.

    I have recently discovered there is a generic pristiq from Canada that is not sold in the U.S. It is a fraction of the cost and it does not make me feel sedated. It is a MIRACLE drug. Just google “generic pristiq canada”.

    Depression is a sad and unfortunate disease. It is horrible to have to sit back in a fog and watch life pass you by. However there is hope and things can and will get better. Please seek treatment. If your dr. tells you that “you are just feeling blue” please get another dr. Depression is a life altering disease. Remember it is a DISEASE. Nothing you did caused you to feel the way you do.

  • Tylor

    I’m not sure if i am even depressed, but i feel like it. I hate having to wake up in the morning and go to school. I used to call my mom several times a week while she was at work and ask her if could just stay home and she would say yes sometimes.. but when she says no i randomly start crying and wish i was dead. When im in school my friends come up to me andd they want to do stuff and talk a bunch but i just wish i could sit alone, and not have to talk to my friends.I’m starting to get bad grades in school and don’t feel like doing my homework ever.. once in a great while ill have a good day but not very often. I’m grounded at the moment for my grades and my “attitude”. I don’t really think i have an attitude but my mom says i do but i think its just her. Ever having to talk to my step dad or mom makes me want to scream.. i hate being around them. I would say my worst problem is the crying i never know when its gonna happen, but it just happens sometimes it lasts for a long time but mostly short times.. i thought i was too young for depression but i don’t know..?

  • DP

    Raz, is there any hobby or interest that may consume you no matter where you are? Maybe you can try to use that or those things as a passtime to keep from feeling down. Think about the road ahead to college as it just may include these passtimes( and may even pay for your studies). Keep your head in the books at middle school and think less about personal relationships. Maybe you could home school while you are moving about so often. Can you communicate with your old friends from home in any way? This is uplifting in many ways.

  • mae

    i know how to depress i was 12 years old and my depression start when i was 11 im so angry went my mother always angry to me and she gave everything to my brother went that im so much dipress i dont know what im gonna do i talk to my friends and i said im going to hurt my self and that day i do what i said that im going to hurt my self ill cryand cry when i heard so much on my mom by hhurting me what he said i hate them so my friends talk to me again why i her myself and i said family problem my friend are thre for me but all i trade a family just traydor me so i depress and i hate that so much! so i want to die right now

  • J

    I agree with this article. I’ve been suffering with depression after a big breakup, it’s been 2 years and I can’t seem to get past this. I’ve had happy moments and then I go back to feeling sad. Lately I feel like it has gotten worse, everything is starting to irritate me, my friends, some of my family, etc. I just want to be left alone, don’t want to talk to anyone but stay in my apt by myself. My mood changes very quick, I can be laughing and then all of the sudden I start crying. I really don’t want to be like this but I can’t help it.

  • anonamous

    21, no friends, no social life, soul destroying job, noone to talk to, think about life without me in it and would it make a difference to anyone. have felt like this for years. life – same everyday. i have no dreams, nothing i want to do in life….

  • DP

    missy, my dad and I both suffer from diagnosed recurring severe depression. I am 40 he is 75. We have been medicated on and off as needed since depression was first becoming understood in late 1980’s. The new medications work and you will be fine. They may start you with an anti anxiety med. They work within a half an hour or less. In that relaxed state you may be able to collect your thoughts calmly,and take a look at your situation in a positive light.

  • DP

    missy, I think strongly that you are having a major depressive episode and need a doctor TODAY, Saturday Dec 3, 2011!
    These feelings and thoughts are all part of a disease that can be reversed.
    Go to the Emergency room and let them know what you are feeling. It is not shamefull or a crime to be sick in this way. You need to be cared for in a controlled setting for a week or so.
    You can NOT be refused care. The hospital will help you. Trust me on this Im battling these feelings too. Please believe me. Go NOW! Life can be a pain but death is so very permanent for such temporary problems. GO TO DR. NOW, PLEASE.

  • missy

    I envy the friends and family I have who have chronic and serious illness that are bringing their lives to an end way too early (as for them). I want to go too. I can’t stand the thought of another day, another hour, feeling as I do. Can’t afford health care. end of the year no more coverage. i imagine death within months. The thought of death relaxes me somewhat, as the thought of tgifriday used to relax me after a really amazingly horrible work week. Nothing matters. Nothing feels exciting. I feel hopeless, helpless, pointless, apathetic, even sometimes annoyed at people who even though are coming from a ‘just want to help’ place try to help. Leave me alone. Let me die. I can hardly wait. That’s how it feels to me.

  • Raz

    well even thought i am only 12,so far i had a terrible life, and it just keeps getting worse. my childhood was over when i was only 9, when i moved to canada without knowing a word in english and not knowing anyone there, and went to the worst city there is in medicine hat. it was freezing dark depressing and small. from there i had to struggle at school as my grades went down not understanding a word the teacher said and of course being invisable. and from now on i am always invisible since i have to move to different cities about every year. i miss my friends in israel so much, but they have probably all ready for gotten me. i used to be the class clown,and now i feel like the most lonely girl in the world and i cry almost everyday. i am sorry… i know no one really cares but after all this time i had to say something.

  • cameron

    Drifting, waiting, knowing that eventually I will die. Soothing is the thought, relaxing is the idea of eternal rest. No more fighting this world. But shame, for I am afraid to inact my will, no my desires to end this wasteful life. A shame knowing someone is fighting for there life, not wanting to die.

  • Vicki

    I agree that it’s nice when you realize that you are not alone in this hell, but it doesn’t really make me feel any less lonely. I remember when I was about 11 years old I began crying while making a sandwich. My mom asked me what was wrong and I said “nothing”. She said,”oh honey, you’re depressed.” I didn’t even know what that meant. I’m 30 now and am still struggling with this horrific pain that gets worse day by day seems to exist without reason. I have anxiety about when my next anxiety attack might be. I don’t like going anywhere for the fear of having to speak to anybody. I don’t even want to check my mail. The weird thing is that I have an extremely high amount of hope. The hope that I can be fixed so that I can appreciate my husband and children more. I feel like I used to be a good person. Now I don’t even feel like a person, just a ball of either raw emotions or completely void of all emotions.

  • Allison

    I’m 14, and I feel like I’m struggling with depression.. I just want out of it if there is any way possible. I’m tired of crying every night for no apparent reason, and cutting myself to get rid of some of it. it’s affecting my outlook on life, and my friends point of views on me, and my relationship with my best friend. I hate it, I just want more help that a damned therapist who thinks she knows what I’m going through.

  • Wendy Gorski

    I have had severe blues now for weeks. This has been such a bad year for me. Lost my part-time job. My friend abandoned me because he can’t stand the unexpected emotional onslaught anymore. My husband gave up trying in our marriage because the emotions are too much. All I want to do is sleep. I escape there. I am free there. I want to let go and wither away. I have a son who loves me and some days he is all I love or care about. I don’t know which is worse feeling absolutely NOTHING or feeling so blue all the time. I have been there for both. I am so tired of fighting. When can this be over. When.

  • Intense

    Depression can be a disconnection from reality. I used to suffer from sever depression but never knew it because I had depression from a very early age. I only began to realise I had had depression when I didn’t have it anymore… And now it’s creeping back into my life. It’s different this time as I have a better sense of self than I had… And the disconnection hasn’t fully began yet. That is the worst part of depression I feel. I don’t know if it ever completely disappeared. I am my most creative when depressed though. In a strange sense I feel more ‘ real’ because I can empathise or something. I can’t explain it. I see a counsellor. She’s really good. She tells me I’m depressed- which scares me as I have felt a lot worse than this and never sought any help.

  • kl

    Have read many of your notes and can identify with you all. Depression is the most horrible bizarre thing. On paper I am living the dream. I have a great job, living in a beautiful home in the centre of a vibrant and exciting city and I am getting married soon yet my mood isnt right. Depression is overwhelming feelings of sadness for no apparent reason. It has sucked the colour and vibrancy out of things that once filled me with so much joy. I carry terrible feelings of guilt on what a burden I must be to so many friends and family. I am also a master of disguise and do not let it show to so many people. Depression makes me a great actress. But it cant fool me. I know I dont feel right and sometimes have crazy thoughts of suicide. I have not told that to anyone. I dont think I would ever do anything but the thought of it both saddens me immensely but also excites me. There is an answer, a solution and I am so desperately wanting an answer to all this. But I know that is not the answer beacuse to leave this world on my own accord is selfish to those I leave behind and I will not leave feelings of saddess on them. But beyond that sadness there is hope, no matter how small that is, take comfort in that hope. You are unique, special and not alone. Millions feel as you do right now. Be strong and ride the storm.

  • Anonymous

    It feels like nothing is interesting. All of those hobbies and activities that were once so enjoyable now seem like a thing of the past that don’t catch your attention anymore. It seems like your senses (smell, touch, taste) are dull and non-existent. Your thoughts are very cloudy and unclear. You aren’t enjoying your life. Friends and family easily irritate you. While you’re so caught up on being depressed, you loose your concentration (usually misdiagnosed as ADD-PI). A typical day is not wanting to wake up, get ready, and go to work/school. Then, the first negative thought is “I can’t wait until this day is over”. All throughout the day all you can perceive from others is negative messages. Others think that your slow, unmotivated, not interested, unskilled, and not dependable, when you’re most likely not any of those.

    Depression has ruined a big chunk of my life. From misdiagnosed with ADD-PI, put on powerful CNS stimulants, and taking anti-depressants that don’t even work, it’s taken a toll on my physical body.

    But, thanks to my curiosity, one day I experimented with 5-HTP and it turned my life around. Just an hour after I took my first dose (200mg), I felt like a whole new person. I finally felt like I was alive. I rolled down the window and let the air blow through my face. I could actually feel how cold and intense the air was blowing. It was like a feeling I haven’t felt in many years.

    Depression ruined a majority of my life, don’t let it ruin yours. Don’t fall victim to all the pharmaceutical companys who are just looking to make a profit.

    Depression is a disease. Pharmaceutical anti-depressants only treat the symptoms of the disease. Find out the actual reason(s) for your depression, and take control of your life!

  • D S

    I have been a “clinical depressive” for over 10 years now. Tried a few different medications, but I would rather use more natural ways to ease my symptoms than a man-made chemical in a lab. Entirely my own personal preference there, I know that medication is a hit-and-miss/touchy subject. I’ve felt like the illness has truly become “one with my soul” after so long. Thought processes and negative “self-talk” has been internalized. It just feels part of my life now, like my “evil twin” that walks by my side during the day. No matter what good comes along, my Depression is always so quick to criticize, or tell my why it’s not as good as this other thing… etc.

    For a long time I was afraid to seriously consider suicide because of the guilt I would feel thinking about the people I left behind. But I’m in the isolation/alienation cycle of my depression, where I feel like I could be alone in a crowded room. Friends seem insincere, family seems like a burden… and then I realized that if I’m dead, how can I feel guilty? Besides, it feels like there is no one around to care right now – why would anyone care when I’m gone? I currently maintain relationships only for the sake of appearance. My heart isn’t in it anymore. Apathy rules my reason and judgement. I’d rather everyone go off and have a good time, leaving me behind so my mood doesn’t bring them down.

    So far, I have not found anything to aid me except illegal drugs, which has it’s own list of pros and cons. Every morning I wake up, is just another day for me to trudge through, not enjoy, only to go to sleep and dream about the things I can never have.

    I was already dealing with 5+ years of depression when my father passed away due to a chronic illness. Mourning, loss and grief can complicate an already unmanaged depression in alarming ways. Several times I’ve thought about going to the emergency room… but how can you really voice a need for help in a situation like this? I don’t have a razor blade to my wrist, or a noose around my throat… but I feel the same amount of hopelessness, alienation, and desire to die as they do.

    As I mentioned before, other than illegal drugs, the one thing that has helped is a supportive friend. Someone who will listen to the good, the bad and the ugly and still want to hug you and tell you that you are a good person when you are done.

  • michelle

    Depression feels like you are in a black hole with no hope of seeing the light again. You feel tired irratated moody lonely sick. Feels like your the only person in the world trapped in your own mind 24/7 it makes you angry with your self and everyone around you.
    People who say they care about you but eventually they cant take it any more and they get angry with you they think its some sort of switch you can turn of and on and the part were you sit on your own and laugh like a crazy person to your self because you understand very well what there going through but you cant even help your self the laughter turns to tears and you want to die your so tired just wanting it to end. Ithink to myself what is the point lost my job lost my friends lost my will i have been battling this since i was 16 i am 25 now all i think is when will it stop! why me i dont mind not being normal but why depression i wouldnt wish it on my worst enemy its so draining i just want to be in bed every day and night does any body else feel like they are constantly fighting with them selves? i coulld say more but it would be me moaning to the world abit more hope it helps.

  • SS

    I suffer sometime through depression as well. But this is all created in our mind. And we are not the mind; we are separate than the mind and the body, we are the pure self! Please watch any videos of Eckhart Tolle; or Mooji in Youtube. They went through these things and have shared their experiences on how they overcame and are living and helping millions of people like ourselves. Hope it helps!!

  • Jason

    I fucking hate my life and everything about it. The pain is unbearable and I feel that the only way to end it is to kill myself but I’m still even too scared to do that.

  • Astral

    It’s the constant feeling that every effort you exerted in the past amounted to nothing. It’s the desire to never try or care again because you believe that too will amount to nothing. It’s the constant drowsiness, the lack of goals and the apathy towards anything that gave me purpose in the past. It’s the feeling that you won’t be alive to see the things in the future that you used to care about because everyday you spend substantial amounts of time imagining your own death and it’s a gory, unstoppable reel that ends in sweet release. It’s the fear you’ll never get better, never have meaning again and not even care. It’s the constant feeling of being trapped where ever you are and needing to get out. It’s quiting jobs because you’re too sluggish to do a good job or because you just need out of the nightmare. But then the nightmare follows you into unemployment too. It’s a world that few people understand and family members block treatment because they don’t want the stigma of having a relation seeing a shrink. To sum up, it’s the constant feeling of wanting to die because you’re just not good enough for anyone.

  • Alex

    This just keeps coming in and out of my life and at random points were it was not expected, I keep telling myself that I’m feeling this way because of the way I’m dealing with the things that keep happening in my life. I keep running into different situations in my life both good and bad, and I cant seem to give it an emotional attachment or response. I can no longer feel grief or happiness and my consciousnesses keeps asking itself why? I constantly keep having a nightmare of me having a complete emotional breakdown but I don’t know when. I think I’m dealing with depression but I’m not sure and I’m choosing not to get help since I refuse to take any meds since going to the gym keeps my mind calm and relaxed. I Been functioning on very few hours of sleep, and I’m only eating enough to were i don’t pass out. Hopefully with time this will go away, I’m using my patience as my weapon of choice to defeat this problem. Only time will tell what will happen next.

  • mury

    i feel up and down all the time but not happy anxious then depressed in a cycle i just want to kill myself but can’t because i just couldn’t do that to my family nothing seems real anymore its like i’ve totally lost touch with reality i never thought it was possible to feel this bad i’m so lost and confused i have tried everything and thought of everything but nothing seems to work i used to be so normal why did this have to happen why me i’m so scared that i’m going to like implode into my own mind and anything i imagine comes true and it never ends its eternal and the pain and suffering only grows exponentially i wish i was able to cry and let it all out but thats not a possibility i absolutely hate what i’ve become its so embarrassing i just wish it would end.

  • Beverly

    I feel great, then all of sudden I’m back to feeling like no one cares or that no one believes I am feeling this way. Some times I feel like death can’t come fast enough.I’m on meds but I some times wonder if they even really work. I wonder if the doc. is just trying to make me believe that they are working. If I mention about certain feelings I am told, “You shouldn’t be feeling that way because the meds you’re on are working.” Some times I wonder if the meds. are just something fake they are giving me. So I take them, to satisfy them.

  • julie

    I got depression l was driving the other day hoping a pole would jump in front of my car.and my.cR would.just go.under a truck tyer.lm.not coping to well.with every thing..life lm.just so so over it and l feel.like evry one just want to hear what they want to here.but it hurts deep down..l cry a lot for.no reason.lm.sseing some.one but l fsel like there only ther to take.money and dont care how.u feel..l.have it now is so over in the end

  • ANONYMOUS

    I feel like I can’t do anything. I feel empty, unloved, pathetic, tired…My only escape is sleep, where dreams take me away to a different world, a different life. I can forget about this life I live until I awake with the depressing realization that this is my life. I fantasize about my death even though I know I can only wait for the end, which is likely to be a long way away. I can’t tell anyone how I feel because then I’ll be an even bigger failure in life. And even worse, I’ll hurt them SO much. I feel unlovable though I know many love me. I feel that I don’t deserve their love, don’t deserve much of anything. I hate myself. I feel trapped in a prison. And there is no escape.

  • Maria

    Firstly, I wish I could personally give everyone here a hug. I can tell you that things WILL get better. I know what depression does to a person. You feel so drained all the time and you are afraid to speak up about your pain because you don’t want you to be judged or for another person to see the darkness that lives inside you. Don’t let this thing control you. You are all important and matter. If I can get through it, you can too.

  • john

    Feel like nothing matters and everything is pointless, there’s no point in trying hard in school or work and i just wish i could go to sleep and never wake up. my only defense is apathy.

  • Tamara Henderson

    It took my boyfriend and a family member to make me realize that i was suffering from depression i couldnt even notice it myself i didnt know what to expect now that i know im going to seek counseling and get me some help.I hate feeling like this tired no energy being forgetful cant make any deisions.

  • Z3n

    The feeling of suffocation is one that I constantly feel. As if my head is trapped in a vacuum. Sometimes, tears well up in my eyes, as I’m walking towards university for no reason at all- other than extreme sadness.
    This depression must end – I cannot bare these feelings of unworthiness any more. I must cling onto the only light left – ‘hope’.

  • Jen

    It seems like every story is different but every line I read could so easily be about me. I’m trying to fight it, I really am, but the longer it goes on the I wonder why should I have to fight. Would it be so wrong of me to give up. We give up things all through our lives; dreams that weren’t realistic, people who stop loving us and move on, and its ok, so why can’t I give up fighting the depression and stop being without feeling and knowing that I’d be letting my family down – like I’d be destroying them just because I wasn’t strong enough. I’m just so tired.

  • RAQUEL

    I’ve dealt with depression,bi-polar disorder and anxiety for about 10 years and it’s only been the last 3 that it’s gotten worse. My depression is so bad I feel at times that it is eating me alive. I just shut down mentally and emotionally…It is like locking yourself in a cage with a demon it’s terrible. I cry about everything it’s worse when I’m manic, I almost lost it at a subway the other day and I still can’t figure out what was setting me off. I freak my boyfriend out all the time he tells me I give him whiplash with all the mood swings. I took myself off my medication because the side effects I couldn’t deal with them. I’ve become so introverted I’m afraid I’ve lost myself I spend more time in my room then I do outside…everything hurts all I want to do is sleep, I don’t eat and everything and everyone pisses me off.

  • zach

    ive been dealing with this my whole life and ive never talked to anyone about it or tried to find help every now and then it would go away for a few weeks but it seemed to always come back. i cant seem to find any purpose in anything anymore and recently i cant go 10 minutes without wishing i didnt have to deal with a single thing in life anymore and could just find a way out

  • Jessica

    I question sometimes wheather I deserve to live sometimes. It comes and goes and I feel like my life is just so plain with no true friends and no one to help with the pain in my sole. Sometimes I think “what have I done so bad to deserve the pain that engulfs me?” or “If God really loves me then why am I not happy” or ” Did I do something so bad that God thinks I should suffer?” I am currently a freshman at my college and I have come to the conclusion that I need some help with depression. I go back and forward with myself to convence myself that I don’t have it but when reading others comments i surely know that I do need help or else if I don’t then I will lock all these feelings inside and one day they are going to explode and cost me my life.

  • KE

    I suspected it for a while… Since last year. Something wasn’t right and it got to the point I couldn’t just write it off anymore.

    I am 17, a straight-A student. My teachers like me, my peers are okay with me, but I am not okay.

    I fit many, many of those symptoms you listed. I didn’t think anything of it at first, I was stressed, busy, etc, etc…

    Then summer came… I had great plans of what I would do with the free time. I had tons of things I wanted to read and I was going to start writing. I was going to start a blog to, and maybe even do a little photography.. I was going to..

    But then it was like a haze. A dark cloud that had been chasing after me all year, finally caught up and doused me in cold lonely rain.

    I spent a good 5 weeks feeling like.. nothing.
    I just felt empty. When I would get time to do the things I wanted to do, I didn’t want to do them. Reading, writing, even TV. Nothing held interest, except sleep.

    I could sleep forever. In sleep, I could escape.

    I still didn’t get it, until suddenly the haze cleared.

    It was in the middle of the 4th week, and all the sudden, I felt great. I wrote a chapter, a couple poems, did some serious reading.. I felt like someone had hit me with a shot of Happy-sauce!

    And nothing had changed…

    Then, about 3 days later. I started feel the same way again, and it stayed that way for a couple more weeks.

    Then back with the stress, and everything else that masks it.

    Then, I had another two weeks, where I actually felt better than I had all summer.

    I was laughing, giggling, being goofy. My mom commented how I hadn’t been this pleasent in months, she’d been yelling at me all summer for being bitchy.

    I didn’t realize how horrible I felt until I didnt.

    Now, I don’t know. I think I have days where I feel really good, and then, sometimes I just want to lay in the floor and cry… I actually welcome those days, where I want to cry. At least I am feeling something. Its the days I dont feel, the days I feel like a wisp of smoke, those are what really freak me out.

    I am 17, and I hope that when my life circumstances improve, I’ll feel better. I can’t imagine feeling that emptiness forever.

    The first time I’ve ever said this – I think I may have depression.

    – KE.

  • Nichole

    I dont care to be at home or at school and i want to cry everytime i have to go to work. im tired all the time i just dont want to do anything. making decisions like what to go to college and university for are a struggle no one understands that i want to make these choices but just cant. its emotionaly draining to think about. all my body wants to do is sleep or cry. its hard to have fun anymore. im lost. and i dont know what to do.

  • Sadboy

    dear friends,you all are people who suffers frm depression.i have it since 2002,it has made my life too miserable.i came across this site 2days before.this depression is condition of your brain making you feel miserable and useless but you never is.our view is wrong because of our Disease. so please dont go for suicide dear even if it feels very difficult to cope with it.you are not alone in this world.eventually it will pass away.i love you all for showing the courage and will to share yours feelings with others here.take care. Let us reach out 4 each other.a day will come for us all surely.

  • anonymous

    so many regrets. commitments i should have never made. my family sucks. my friends. suck. my brothers are heroin addicts. life sucks. my eye was bleeding all the time recently and i couldnt see out of it. the doctors thought i had a melenoma tumour in my eye. i thot i had cancer for sure. turns out i was just born with strange blood vessels in one eye. when i found out i didnt have cancer i was sad. why do i wish it was true? i think of pain, beating people up, revenge. i cant escape. it seems i could explode at anytime. like i will be that one guy on the news who just got fed up and did something crazy. something needs to happen. i hate my life. my friends all seem gone and happy, and im still here in the same spot. everynight i feel im going to wake up and do something crazy. one day its going to come true. i can feel it.

  • Ryan

    The meds aren’t working, they were my last hope. I know what I have to do, I can’t live like this anymore. I can’t think straight anymore, everything is just hopeless. I am tired and I just want to rest. I just need to gather the energy for one last thing, I just need some strength so i can end it.

  • hope

    school scares me. I never want to go back to that hell again. The bright lights that shine on you and make you feel your ugliness is being exposed to the world. I’m scared of sitting nxt to someone in class and thinking about what they could be possibly thinking about me. Waking up every morning to know im going to have to force myself through another day is the worst feeling in the world. I want to be by myself because i don’t feel right being with other people. I dread being with my friends. As much as i love thm the thought of having to be around them will never cease to haunnt me. I no longer desire to be a person. Life is a bitch…it keeps going when you beg for it to stop. you can scream and shout but you can’t do anything to stop it. Feeding yourself and social interaction become a chore. The meds. you get put on a higher dose when you feel theyre not working but when the eff are they going to kick in. I don’t want to keep waiting. because life doesnt wait. I feel horrible not wanting to take care of myself bcause i’d feel bad for my parents to have to take care of me. But i want to want to tak care of myself. Looking to th future scares me. I’m sick of complainig to my mom about all of my dreads but thats the only thing i feel i can do. but i know shs tierd of hearing me complain. Life. agghhhhh. when will u end??????

  • mary l

    I feel foggy. I cry all the time, usually its because im deeply touched by something ive seen on tv. Sometimes because im frightened unseen horrors. When i was lite and very scared i would imagine horrifying faces to take my thoughts away from the real horror i was living… Now 35 yrs later these faces are there without my consent every time i blink. I dont sleep. Almost ever.

  • Anon.

    Googled “feeling like there is a wall between me and the world.” Brought me directly to this site, maybe I should talk to somebody. . .

  • celes

    i was try to suicide when i was 13 years old.i dont know why, jut feel desperate and hopeless. my world is just a shit. my mum has mental health problem when i was young. and hope i didnt inherit any mental problem from her. but im actually so out of normal all the time. i think in slow motion, and my reaction for a particular matter is slow and sometimes even went so wrong. and most of the time my brain cannot function, just like stuck at that moment. since now, my emotion still irritate and unstable all the time. i cry very easily and sometimes with no reason…

  • Mac

    I can’t feel anything positive. On a good day, I feel so numb I feel nothing at all. Things I once enjoyed are all meaningless to me. Even something simple as laughing at something because its amusing is impossible now. Anytime I start to feel better, it’s only temporary, I fall right back down to the dark hole where I was before. At times it gets so bad I break down in despair flooded with feeling hopeless, worthless with no end in sight. I go to sleep hoping that I never wake up. Hoping it will be my last. Hoping that death will find me and set my tortured soul free. It just doesn’t end. Suicidal thoughts cross my mind all the time, but deep down I know that suicide will accomplish nothing. Deep down I know that I’ll still live on in someone’s memory, I’d rather be simply forgotten than remembered. People tell me all the time “keep your head up” or “It will get better”. I wish I could believe them. It just doesn’t end. Part of me dies with each day that passes. I feel dead already

  • izzy

    I am 17, I have had depression for about 2 years now. Well I assume its depression, it can’t be normal to feel like I do. I am too scared to go a doctor. I feel empty and sad, almost all the things in that list descried how I feel. It’s not constant but today is a bad day, infact someone asked me today why I always look depressed. I can’t cope feeling like I will live the rest of my life like this. I am anxious and nervous all the time, I often wake up with a feeling something bad is going to happen. I am terrified of loosing my family. I can’t bear to think about all the people who are suffering in the world. I feel very guilty and I don’t know why. I feel like I am acting and I just want someone to understand. I feel very alone, like there is nothing for me to look forward to. I cry most days. There hasn’t been some great trauma in my life, so I can’t understand why this is happening to me. All I can do is wait for it to go, but I don’t think that will ever happen.

  • Alisa

    Awhile ago, I would have this about every two months, for a week or two. First time I had it I was camping and I constantly was very jumpy, then the next day I started to feel sad. Next time I had gotten simptoms it was more severe, I couldnt taste or smell, I could barley feel pain, I slept the whole time pretty much( all day all night), I literally could not function. Then when school came around I would go( most of the time I would be on my period when this happened) and I would constantly look underneath me because I thought i was leaking or something.I almost failed because by the time I got out of that state(which took me acouple days after the week or two), I would already be so far behind .At first ( when I first got it) my parents were upset( I also couldnt control my emotions well) . I went to my doctors and they had no idea what it was, that was scary. So for anyone out there who has those simptoms or worse , who has been told by their docters that they have to idea what that is( or seem to not understand it) Be persistant, please try and get them to reasearch it. If not just remember you not alone. I dont have those problems anymore, if this happens to you dont be afraid to speak up. The more calm you are about it the more you will feel in control. Its hard but with some patience and understanding loved ones you can get through it.

  • Stephen

    I always think to myself. Thinking random thoughts, some which are expressive, others which are emotional. I cant even put into words the way I feel. The human race has learned how to love and communicate with each other to create a unique world. But does any of that actually matter? All we are is a species that is able to think into the depths of the mind. We worry about simple tasks, grades, relationships, work, children, dinner…but all of that is just a distraction from the truth, that none of it actually matters. I dont even know how to react to my own statement, but its just the way I feel. I am spending all of this time in school feeling this way, and I am just waiting one day for something extraordinary to occur.

  • Michelle

    I feel like everything is hopeless – no matter what I do, nothing will have a positive effect on my life. I feel like I’m wasting my time and money in college, but at the same time, I have to be in college because otherwise I feel like I’ll never be able to find or hold a job (although I don’t feel like I’d be able to find or hold one anyway for very long).
    I’m constantly terrified that I’ll be falsely accused of a crime I didn’t commit and that, as a result of that accusation, everything I still hold onto in my life will fall right out from under me and everyone I love will either disown or betray me.
    My back aches without explanation and I don’t know why; my whole body is stiff.
    I suspect that I’ve forgotten how to smile.
    I’m bored out of my mind and have no interest in anything.
    I feel like I’m an evil, cold-hearted, and callous person surrounded by other evil, cold-hearted, and callous people, but at least I don’t use God or anything to try and convince myself that I’m this amazing masterpiece or similar bullshit, so I feel like, in some twisted way, I’m better than others (but, at the same time, I feel worse).
    I’m constantly comparing my insides to others’ outsides, so to speak. I’m extremely envious of other people who seem happier than me, who actually have social lives when I can’t even get up the nerve to ask someone out on a date, or even to be my friend. On the rare occasions that I do work up the nerve, I don’t allow myself to, because I worry that I’ll just make a fool of myself. I feel like other people are just born with social lives, and somehow I’m the exception to the rule.
    Yet, in spite of it all, I still don’t want to die, primarily because I’m terrified of what comes after death.

  • Lori

    I’m 50 years old and have been struggling with depression since I was a very young child. I have contemplated suicide many, many times but have only gotten up the nerve to attempt it once. I have been on so many different antidepressants and mood stabalizers that I can’t even remember which ones I’ve
    already tried. Every time I see the faintest light at the end of the tunnel something blows it out and I’m pushed back into the darkness that I’m so familiar with. At this point I’m really not sure what keeps me attached to this life.

  • Samantha

    I feel worthless, insignifigant, hopeless. I’m only 14 and all i can think is about how ill never make it to college, never have a relationship, a life, happiness. Because of this evil disease i’ve also developed an eating disorder. I can’t sleep at night, can’t focus. If god really does exsist why would he have me feel this way? What have i done? But wait, I’m a terrible person, im not nice enough, i waste everything. I don’t deserve to be happy. I’m always mad at my family and friends, crying, feeling ugly, hating myself, it’s a battle to feel normal every day.

  • Gerry

    Its overwhelming! I live with my father who is paralyzed from the chest down and take care of his needs daily.I sleep on a matress on the floor of a spare bedroom of his. For months without a radio or TV. I can hardly function anymore. I have no life of my own any more. I feel helpless, hopeless, lonely, sad, and angry. I feel like no one cares. I feel hurt, pain, broken hearted, distant, unhuman worthless, empty, hollow nothing to offer. I feel I dont belong. I am 48 years old have no career, nothing is going well. Lost two jobs due to the economy after many years of service, suffered a heart attack soon after, was fired from my last job for being to slow, my wife is divorcing me after 21 years of marriage. I dont have a running car. I am in financial ruin.I am surviving on unemployment checks, which will run out soon. I am in debt and have creditors calling every day for money I dont have. And bills are mounting. I send my wife the majority of my check to take care of my three children. I feel so bad for them. And I am broken hearted and miss them. I feel there is no hope for me that my life is spiraling downward into the abyss and i cant stop it. I feel like this is the end for me and like I will die soon. I am resigning myself to that and conceding. My family and freinds dont seem to care or know what to do to help and I have no one to talk to anymore. I used to attend church but dont anymore. Everyone there seems judgemental, callous, and I cant relate to them and they cant seem to understand me. God Help Me!

  • Bleh

    It comes and goes. Since pain’s measured by your emotion over time I wouldn’t say depression is the worst pain (as I clump mental and physical pain together) however it is very painful and outlasts my worst physical pains. I’m only a couple decades old but I’m quite an extreme sport guru and along with that comes great physical pain however having only a weeklong painful critical period. Things I’m depressed from which far extend the pain of broken bones are: dealing with family depression, family addictions, family self inflicting harms, and family sadness. I become depressed after getting broken hearts from girlfriends who I’ve let slip away or just couldn’t understand someone’s loyalty or basic trustworthiness. Having a concussion definitely multiplies all of these affects. At first when the doctor’s told me that depression was a side effect from a concussion I didn’t quite believe it, but a week later found myself for one of the only times in my life talking to a psychologist completely breaking down. It just plain sucks. Everyone will experience it and in different shapes and forms. Always talk it out. Thanks for listening, peace and good health.

  • rok

    im 26 and my days are counted i think depression started 10 y ago but maby when i was 5years old when mom who i rely didnt now hang herself.all i can remeber is words from my aunt lips hey your momi died.someone 2 or 3 persons said to me i was smiling on Funeral but i dont remeber i was 5.And ya that is prety start of big downfall of my life not yet aleredy started father got seek and my older brother hated me like a rat.now im ill i have many ways of depession i wana quit but is somehow funy to me like destiny i could nothing do about that

  • Steve

    I’m happy to see all you experiencing this like I am(in a bad way) , I feel like I’m suffocating and everything isn’t real.It’s the most scary thing I’ve ever went through and sometimes I even get extreme attacks where I don’t even want to talk. All I can do is get annoyed at my family members and it’s driving me nuts. 🙁

  • Jax

    It feels like there’s this vibrant, happy person squished and stuffed next to my heart, and she is fighting to break through my chest. The dullness and apathy that has overtaken me is winning. It’s squeezing her tighter and tighter and making her stay submissive.

  • Maddy

    I have been depressed for so long. Everyday just feels like a gray blur. I just want to lay down and never get up. I feel tired all the time. I always have horrific dreams about people dying. My stomach always hurts. It seems like I can’t talk to anyone. I forgot that there was anything but this feeling until I took a field trip to my old kindergarten. When I got there the gray broke away into a rainbow and I was so happy. It reminded me that there is such thing as happiness. I’m only thirteen. Is it normal for someone my age to feel like this?

  • garrettsouthworth

    so im 15 i hvae adhd and im dyslyxic. i can live with that but when you cant do any thing right and im not lieing imess up everything i have freinds that hate peope who are afraid of me and no self esteenm. i ytry so hard to be freinds with evry one . i take insults and shurg them off and try to make this person be ok with knowing me. i try to help EVERY ONE my age . and thers no one ther to help me and when evr some one get close enogh i do somw thing to push them away and i cant help it but when i think about suicide anor cuting i cant fallow through im to scared so i sit and i cry quietly so no one can hear . i make maskes to hide my face beecause i feal like a monster.i dont know what to do any more im rejected in a school of kids with learing diabiltys like me . a school of rejects rejected me ……i want to run but i cant

  • Anonymous

    It’s a movie plaing in both black and white and slow-motion. I’ve never felt a pain worse than this “living” thing I’m doing. Everything is a struggle a contradiction. I’m exhausted, but I won’t let myself sleep. I’m hungry, but I’ll never eat. I’m so deeply crushed but my painted on smile refuses to wash away. I’ll always get up and pretend I’m fine. I’ve felt like this my enter very short life, of 14yrs. It’s hard to move, I take everything the wrong way, I feel like when I leave the room my friends laugh at me, and the paranoia doesn’t help anything. If I’m alone I’ll panic and start looking at knives like there the only way to end my pain. I’m so mad, at me! When I get mad I get something sharp and edge words into my skin like “DIE” “FREAK” “LOSER”. I’m to young to take things like antidepressants, and even though I’m in therapy I still can’t help but act fine. I want help but at the same time I can’t bare the thought of letting my secrets go last time I did things got worse. Everytime I get better it’s like cancer I go in remision but them it comes back worse than before.

  • Anonymous

    Depression is that feeling of giving up. I’ve been told I live a very exhausting life, and I do. I live in constant fear of suicidal, and negative thoughts that I never sleep. I can’t be alone, or I’ll have a panic attac. I’m so exhausted and I can’t do a thing about it. It’s worse than scary it’s more like horror.

  • Thomas

    For 17 years I have missed my first born son. His mother moved to another country and has doen every thing possible to keep me from him. There was alot of falsehoods placed on me by her, and this is where the depression began. At first not being able to concentrate and being constantly irritated to me seemed like passing fads. After many years, thought, I realized that I had a problem that was n’t going away on its’ own. I have faced it and have been honest, I have been depressed, but what do I do now. My next step is to see what can be done to lift this cloack of depression off of my sHuolders. At laest I have taken the first step and admitted that I have a problem. I guess the real test will come when I have to release the rest of my demons

  • DyingInside

    I have many of those syptoms as well as the clinical ones. I just feel like everything is never going to be in my favor. That no one cares about my feelings anymore, and that I could kill myself and no one would even care. I seem to cry over little things that would usually not affect me…But I just cant help it. I’m shutting out my family and friends, and I hate that. I have been like this for a few years, but there was one period of time where I was not. I found God, but now I’ve seemed like I lost him again. The sky is falling and I can’t say anything to stop it.

  • The pain

    I’m sitting here and reading, softly crying. Staring at an empty text document thinking of the 6-page essay I’m supposed to have finished-2 days ago. My heart’s heavy, mind is heavy. I have recently told several close friends of my depression and though some beg me to talk to them….and I know I should, I just can’t. The thought of burdening them with my world of problems….they don’t deserve that. But if I’m told one more time to “face reality” or “buck up” or asked what’s wrong or why I’m lazy…I swear I’ll crack. I’m a senior in high school but for years I’ve had to deal with my progressively declining mother…watching her go through multiple surgeries, now losing her memory. Then my dad, probably also depressed by this and away the majority of time on business…taking his anger out on me, the man who comes home every other week to make me feel like shit. I want to help myself, I tell myself tomorrow will be a new start but it never happens. I mope and cry and ruminate and question why anyone would need me. The only consolation is just knowing that I am depressed, its one constant in my life. At least I have a name for the terrible pain and weight I feel everyday as i wake up

  • Kayu Api

    What Im wrote its similiar/more to others had comment, nobody cant feel the pain what im really, dont how how to tell… Its more than 4-5 years now. I quit the jobs in 2006, reason for nothing.. back to my family house. Im 34 yrs now.. I didn‘t realize that until I stopped take upper drugs (just take for killing my self). Such a feeling of insignificence, dirtiniess, I’m more of a child than my little nephews. I just force myself to lay in bed in my room till I fall asleep. I have completely lost my appetite. I am just so tired, I could sleep all day and night if I could—but I am mentally and emotionally exhausted too. I do not have the courage to kill myself because of the guilt I would give my family. I was simply not allowing myself to feel what was really going on inside. Nothing has a point or meaning anymore. My head and stomach hurt almost every day. I cant drive a car anymore, my hands shake, I move like a turtle, I think and talk like one too. I don’t want to die, but I
    hate the existance, dont scared if going to die. If I can’t live, then what’s the choice? I am so tired. I’m told to stop having “pity-parties”. It’s not a party, I just hurt. My heart, my head, my body, everything hurts. I realize that I am act like not an adult in my head. I’m more of a child. I wake up every day and nothing gives me pleasure anymore. Othing has any significant meaning, only suppressing my thoughts. I can’t be honest to anyone as to my real problems, I can’t hurt them (and myself in the process) I keep up appearances and sort of die inside. I can’t cry anymore, I don’t care everybody said Im crazy, drug addict, loser… because i dont wanna feel anger anymore. Im away from my friend but they will came find me, they think for fun can like do drug or what, they dont know the truth. I’m alone because i dont want hurt people close to me
    mentally by killing myself or others physically by choosing the only ways to commit suicide available to me (jumping from high up or cut), the feeling just boils over inside: I want to die but can’t kill myself. At the same time I just kill my emotions like someone mention before: its true. Im locked-up. And take sedative heavily as a cure doesn’t help the symptoms, just takes pain away a little while. Feel as though I am good for nothing. Spend most of the time on the bed infront of my PC, not washing myself. Only feel ok when asleep. Then I wake up and start all over again! I’m frozen in fear, can barely leave the house. I’ve stopped cleaning, stopped organising, stopped thinking. I don’t love, I don’t want to be around those I should love. There are no friends. There is no career. I am not an adult in my head. I’m more of a child than my little nephews. I force myself to lay in bed till I fall asleep. I have completely lost my appetite and my sex drive. I do not have the courage to kill myself because of the guilt I would give my family. I constantly hope for something fatal to happen to me, everyday I take two type med/drug 1 from clinic rehab and 1 illegally for difference reason, (1) have appetite, make me sleep, forget about the time and keep a happy face on the outside. (2) to destroyed my body/self (better than commited suicide). I am just OK alone in my room without breakfast, lunch, dinner and shower by a week. Im just eat a little went feel very sick. No religious thought anymore for my way to END. Honestly I’m so tired. yet no amount of sleep can take the tiredness and lethargy away. I feels weakness day by day more worst and ready if the times is came. sorry for bad english.

  • liky

    I’ve been deppressed for almost a year now,
    through out that year there was not a day goes buy without me crying my eyeballs out,
    now it’s tougher,
    I can’t seem to cry anymore,
    I mean I feel really like crying, but I just don’t,
    I can’t breath,
    It feels like someone is pressing their hand on my neck,
    when I lay my head on my pillow every night, I really wish it’s the last time I close my eyes,
    I “can’t” do anything that I used to do, or enjoy doing,
    I don’t even brush my teeth anymore,
    I’m 19 years old and I made it to medical school,
    I just don’t think I could keep going.

  • Chelsea

    I accidentally google searched “I long for solitude. I feel like I’m spread so thin and I’m drowning in my own constant search for pleasure and distraction. If I allow myself time alone, perhaps I can know peace” and it brought me to this page. When my alarm goes off in the morning, I just want to keep sleeping and I can barely force myself to get up for class. My cousin died a month and a half ago, and after about a week I just started constantly being with other people. I feel like I’m trying to distract myself from grief. I have headaches all the time. I am supposed to start seeing a therapist soon.

  • DxK

    I don’t see the purpose of life, everything seems really futile. I’m so lonely that any girl or person who shows me the slightest bit of affection instantly becomes someone that I want to be with or who I fall in love with

    Recently I always feel like crying for no reason, I’m bored with almost everybody’s conversation very quickly. I can’t seemed to find what I want to do or a life for myself so I run away.

    Recently I’ve been waking up in the afternoon because I don’t have a job & I can’t go to sleep until the wee hours. I can’t think of anyone I want to hang out with who would help my mood.

    So basically I feel lonelier & less useful than ever before and I keep wondering what the point is, it’s horrible and I’m struggling to find reasons to carry on right now, although I usually do somehow.

    I hate what I’ve become, I’m a 30 year old nobody & I can’t stand it. I know that sounds like a proper moan, but I needed to vent, so thankyou.

  • Emily

    I used to be so happy but suddenly I feel sad. My parents don’t seem to care about me and when I do anything wrong I cry. My mom only comes to my room to tell me to shut the door or be quiet. When I tell her it’s not about her she never asks whats wrong. My teacher is nice but she seems so mean now.

  • Joe

    I’m 14. My life used to be fine, but as I’ve matured I’ve realised that I can’t handle modern life. I feel powerless to affect anything.

    Everyone seems evil, everyone but my girl. She’s the only thing I love in this world. Everyone else just irritates me, and I feel like they’re selfish and don’t care about me.

    My eyes hurt all the time. They hurt like they’re sore, and I can’t sleep at night. My schoolworks getting worse and worse even though I study for hours upon hours.

    Videogames are my only escape from the hate I feel for the world. Me and my girl like to snuggle up and just play them to our hearts’ content.

    When I first met her, I was socially awkward but she found my shyness cute. We have sooo much in common and we feel comfortable enough with eachother to cry on eachothers shoulders.

    Basically, I feel like I absolutely hate evryone I see but my girl. I want to kill them, rip them to a thousand piece and destroy everything that is evil in this world. I just want to be accepted but I’m not, and the world seems grey and boring. I’m goin crazy. F*ckin hell!

  • Chris M.

    Yeah, I’ve felt what everyone else in here has felt. But ever since I’ve started taking meds, my life’s been a lot better! I’m very open about my med use, and will mention it to anyone if the opportunity shows up. To me, being reliant on meds, because I have some kind of monster living within, makes me different. And I like different. So my only suggestion to those who have felt the way I have is hang on! Hang on, and don’t be afraid to seek help! Experiment with different meds, therapy’s, etc. And see if you can somehow…make all of your inner demons a reality. Write about them, paint them, make a movie about them. Whatever. Let them out, because they’re just dark, irrational little creatures that want to have a little but fo fun… =)

  • Anonymous

    That’s as close as you can describe it, really. It’s so much worse than it seems; people always say ‘that’s depressing,’ or ‘now I feel depressed,’ when they hear or read something saddening, and as a result no one can really comprehend how truly awful it is without experiencing it.
    My own (rather pitiful) analogy is this: you’re driving through down the motorway on a winter’s night. Everything is dark and bleak outside and you want to get the Hell out of there as soon as possible – even if it means crashing. And the sides of the car are crushing your body and your skull, and you don’t know why, but there’s a horrible, gut-wrenching feeling that this agony will never stop…

  • danny

    wow i am not alone here in this feeling of depression it just goes to show when your looking out of the window seeing life go by & people are just going on with there daily routine your not alone people are going through all kinds of emotion but i suppose we are all good at hiding it the actors that we are lol anyway keep up the fight against those demons we shall surely see the light at the end of the tunnel. much love

  • Mei

    I’ve been depressed for like a year now! and for me i feel so tired that nothing matters inside i just feel numb all i cna feel is emonstal pain and the only thing that takes it away is physical pain, i also feel like u can look a beautiful blue sky and all u see is black and white gray colors.

  • Barbra

    I’m 20 years old, and this is what I feel with depression:

    I feel all the time life is worthless and insignificant, I can’t stand the fact others feel normal or happy, I can’t do anything but being lay down all day, I stand awake whole night and cannot waking up next day till 4pm. I overthink my whole life, and for other reasons I feel unpleasant all things used to be my life horizon. This is the same feeling over and over all days of my life, and it’s taking months already. Till the point where I start to cry for insignificant things, and then change all of the sudden to smiley for something else funny next moment, and then normal… and then sad again. This is like prison to me, I want to be I’d wish I could change my mood instantly when needed or stay that way forever, and being happy again, and finding purpose in life, I used to be so good at things, now I can’t do anything, and I want to disappear and that’s it. I’m going thru a bunch of mixed situations and feelings too, but must of all because of this I try myself to stay sleep or High all day and night too, and lately I’ve started to think more and feeling more anxious about alcohol… I want to drink wine, or beer, and feeling drunk when possible. Even when I control myself and do not drink, I still get high. I don’t want to live more like this.

  • Waldo

    The alcohol enhanced the life I lived in the bar. The music was great and the women more beautiful. Drinking until the dark was finally voided out. To the point that it couldn’t even surface, because of the complete intoxication levels I would induce. That’s just the beginning. The drug that would make me feel like a god and show me music the way I have never experienced. Making me believe I was actually creating in real time and projecting it through the radio. The bass would bump and guitars would sing like angels. I know now I would rather have the pre-drug music that would continue to provide enjoyment. The other drug that showed me the fantasy behind this illusion of perception. Walking in a pool of people vanishing and finding the Garden of Eden. Coming back to reality realizing I may never experience that again and Hell is where I’ll remain. I’ve created a Hell in my sober world and feel I will never escape. God oh how I pray I was never introduced to substance. My emotion has left me completely… I am tormented.

  • Kayla

    I’m on the bus, everyone shouts around me, laughing and smiling and I try to talk, but no sound comes out. what’s the point? Tears swell up in my eyes. Are they talking about me? I get home, my mom’s not here but her boyfriend is, and he snidley remarks about something I did wrong already. I go up to my room and my dad texted me again, he says I always favor mom and that I mean nothing to him anymore. He says everyone hates me. Go ahead dad have another drink. I knock on my brothers door to make sure he’s taken the meds the doctors prescribed him, not me, because I can’t cause anymore trouble. I’m enough trouble to everyone already. He yells at me, he must have had a bad day. I go to my room again. I look at the pills, take them in my hands, shake them out. Then i put them back in. I’m too chicken. I’d be even more of a coward if I did it. I look in my mirror. The girl there looks back numbly, pale and eye’s shining.”You’re nothing. I hate you, ugly.” she says to me. I nod and curl up in my bed. Then mymom calls me down to dinner after 20 minutes and i smile and ask her about her day, as she goes on about her hard day I zone out looking at the curtain. “Kayla?” she asks, “Are you okay?” I nod and say “Yeah!” exuberently.
    I’m just fine.

    I know I have depression, situational and it runs in the family. But nobody knows that I’m hurt. Nobody but me, even when I’ve tried to tell.

  • Jen

    I am so glad to find someone else put into words what it feels like.
    In my experience, when its been really bad (last night was a great example) it feels like my soul is breaking in two. Like when people explain the heartbreak of breaking up or the death of a loved one breaks their heart, like that only you feel in your soul. Its almost like a black water encloses you and you have that panic when you can feel the water rising and you know you won’t be able to hold your breath that long once you are submerged and you start to panic, your breath catches in your throat and you just want to give into it.
    The soul-breaking is the absolute worst feeling that anyone can ever feel.

  • Marie

    Yes. . .hate myself, lack the courage to kill myself, I have prayed for death for so many years. Only just lately, I’ve switched to praying for life. If God won’t send me to merciful oblivion, then lift me up, Lord, give me life . A life. I don’t care about much, am not interested in anything, can’t concentrate at work or anything else. It’s been several years since I felt enthusiastic. My house and my body are falling down around my ears because I just can’t muster the energy/think of a reason to take care of anything. I am so sorry that you others that have posted also feel like this.

  • sophie

    it sounds silly but i want to do something in my mind but i dont do it im always inside never go out even though sometimes i want too but it just doesn’t happen i think nobody likes me i get anxiety attacks when im out always think something bad is going to happen cry alot self harm think about suicide

  • Ashley

    This pertains to much of how I feel. Everything started 8 months ago and I just don’t seem to have any hope of happiness. I’m constantly thinking about people dying, me dying, and it makes me smile rather than cringe. When I’m alone at nights in my room I feel like this despair is suffocating me, wrapping around my chest, trying to squeeze what little life I have left out. Sleeping is a problem for me, I can’t sleep alot an I’m always tired because when I close my eyes I lose myself in all this pain, it scares me. I just want to remove these hidden scars from my heart and mind, just get rid of it all so badly it’s so hard to maintain my sanity.

  • tsl

    I don’t know if I have depression. I confided in the two people who were the closest to me in my life, and one didn’t believe while the other thought I was seeking attention. I have nobody to talk to about this now. I don’t dare to look for professional help because of the experience with the two people. ‘What if I don’t have it?’ is what I’d think and I’d worry about the trouble I’d bring for my family again. I feel that people will laugh at me or mock me. If this is how depression is, then perhaps that’s why I feel so worthless every day. Nothing feels good or fun anymore. I can’t laugh at things or smile genuinely. I cancel appointments or postpone things at the last minute because I get sudden bouts of anxiety over the people I’m going to see, and I start feeling like a bag of shit. Whatever hard work I put in for my projects/job/dream, it feels like I am pathetic. I have no use and am a waste of space. No matter how much sleep I get, I am tired throughout the day. It feels suffocating. Lonely. Isolated. Desolate. Hopeless. Sometimes I would get fixated with things like fast-moving cars while crossing a street. The oncoming train. Walking under a building of flats. Sickness. I’d think of ways to die. I get this mantra in my head telling me to kill myself repeatedly almost every day. Yet, I am afraid to die. Useless to the very end.

  • Michael

    I am an only child and I grew up in an abusive household; a seriously violent father and a neurotic mother. I was bullied at high school. I felt like I didn’t belong at home or at school. I started with Depression when i was 11 (I’m 20 now) and I felt like I was the only one on the planet who felt the way i did. I felt so alone, and in my household, it wasn’t encouraged to talk about feelings. I told myself that i was being stupid, but i when i looked around me, i saw that people had happy lives, and i questioned why i didn’t. I become such a recluse that i began to drink very heavily when i was 13. I didn’t have any self-esteem because i compared myself to everyone. Depression feels like a living death; no one can see you, you feel lost and scared and you feel alone and like you’re in a black hole, and nothing actually matters. I had a friend that stopped me from committing suicide, if it wasnt for him, i wouldnt be here. After that i realised that i didn’t want to die, i just didn’t want to live. I had girlfriends, but they never lasted. I pushed them away because how they could someone love anyone like me. I hated myself for having it.
    Then two years ago, i locked myself away and swallowed several tablets. I don’t know what they were. I ended up in hospital, and it was a massive wake up call. I soon went to the doctors, and i felt like i was wasting the doctors time, and i felt like he would judge me. (I went on my own) but i explained my situation and he gave me Citalopram and when i started to feel really depressed, it would kind of clear my mind. I was on this for several months, and i was taken off them. Though i still get depressed and i still have no self-esteem, i am university studying law, i’ve accepted that Depression is and was part of my life, and i’ve also accepted that i’m going to be single for the rest of my life. But i do believe that my medication did help me. Believe me, there is hope, you need to break the downward cycle somehow, what ever that means.Never give up on yourself.

  • N.Clements

    I’ve suffered from chronic depression, anxiety, bipolar, ocd since I was 15 (I’m now 55!) 40 years is a long time and I’ve tried many antidepressants. There is hope, I’ve got to believe that! I’ve had good times and bad times, I’m currently in a bad phase due to messing around with my medication, I tried a new medication that didn’t suit. When you are in a bad phase you can’t imagine ever imagine feeling better! I seem to feel pysically bad, I feel I look terrible, I have bad skin, I feel there is nothing positive about me whatsoever. These periods always end with the help of my meds, but when you are on it It’s virtually impossible to see a way out of it! There is an Antidepressant or something out there for everyone! Don’t give up!

  • Kristy

    I feel like I can’t laugh and I dont bother crying. I feel like nothing matters anymore. I have 2 kids that I love more than anything but I don’t feel anything. I have a hard time getting up in the morning or getting motivated. I try but things dont go my way. I don’t feel the love for my hisband like I should. What is wrong with me? It’s like I can’t think anymore. I feel like my days are just so boring but I can’t do anything about it. I feel like nobody cares. Why have any feelings?

  • sobs

    Emm …I can’t xplain frm whre m gttin through …its intense state of watever is aforementioned in d article…..hw to live life..be to????????

  • Kelsey

    I can identify with some of the comments on here, but Im not sure if depression is what Im going through. I sleep more than 12 hours a day, and I hate getting up. Id rather live in my dreams than in my real life. I feel like Im not made for this world, like I cant do normal things that other people are able to. I hate sunny days, every time I look out the window and see the sun, I get upset. Like everything is going good for other people, but not for me. Im stuck at home. Trapped. Thats how I feel. Ive cut myself many times, and often think about suicide but Ive never actually tried to kill myself. Im only 18, and I feel like my life isnt worth living, because I cant make it. Even if I try.

  • jim

    Why do I exist? Why did my parents have me? Why am I here? Why must I feel so hopeless? Why must I feel so worthless? Why doesn’t it get better, ever?
    Maybe I should stop with the Why…
    I found this site today and started reading from the top. After I read like 30 posts, I lost focus and scrolled all the way down…to #629. I could very well be the 630th post.
    Though I haven’t read all of them, I gotta say that i’m definitely there with you all on how this fucking depression feels. All my life i’ve been considered artistically talented. but the truth is that i don’t really care, because my art just reflects on how i feel inside, which most people don’t really understand or is too disturbing to them. plus i don’t like that fucking tape recorder constantly replaying over and over and over again in my head. i don’t want to think about what i think about, which is all the dark stuff, all the self-destructing stuff, all the self-pity stuff, all the self-loathing stuff. I’m such a victim to myself, with a constant victim mentality. I’m never at fault, but in reality, i’m probably doing this to myself.
    Honestly, after reading a bunch of these posts, i started thinking about if i EVER felt anything else or was in any other state of mind other than depression, ever in my pathetic 35 years. everything is a chore. i can’t even put my clothes away. I can’t even throw the trash away. my place is a mess. Though my girlfriend has been super loyal, i fear that i’m hindering her life because of my state of mind. i constantly think about how i can break up with her so that she doesn’t have to deal with me. i’m jobless. unhirable. undesirable. unapproachable. unspeakable. unmemorable. i’m stupid. I’m a fucking moron. I fucking hate myself. Why am i here? i’m such a fucking numb nut. life is not a gift. i fucking hate myself.

  • Christina

    I want to die. Surely this would end the misery that is my life. I have not the courage to do it to myself, nor would I want to put my children through such a devastating event, but i am tired. I can’t do this anymore. Nothing goes right, everything I do fails. I hate me and I just want it to be over.

  • Krystal

    I feel horrible. I lack energy or desire to do anything. I am moody, and normal things do not make me happy. It is hard to notice beauty, and I cannot truly experience joy. I have three children who I am so scared that I am harming with my depression. I feel so worthless and, at times, hate myself. Often, I wish to end it all but, instead, hang in there because I know things will be better. I hurt so bad inside and realize that I truly need help.

  • Noah T.

    On May 18th I recieved a Vivitrol shot to help with Alcohol Cravings. The drug ended up sending me into a severe major depressive episode. I began to have panic attacks within 2 days and felt a low feeling unlike anything I had ever felt before. I lost 20 pounds in 3 weeks as food had lost its taste and woke up every single morning with my heart beating so hard that I was sure it would explode. I hoped and prayed that when the drug left my system I would return to normal but never did. I now am fighting for my life and sanity every day praying this depression will ease so long as I don’t quit. I feel so out of it and hopeless that I can barely move. Not a single moment to I have relief from this feeling of endless despair and agonizing pain. I ended up being hospitalized for suicidal behavior but have since been released. Depression feels like your falling into a pit where nobody can save you. It hurts to be awake!!! God help me. I have moments where I wonder if I am going crazy cuz I feel like I am in my own world. This feeling of being detached and in a haze is so scary it brings me to tears. I do want to live and again feel safe and happy. Holding on for family and loved ones more so then myself for now but its enough to keep me going. I pray for everyone suffering as I know just how you feel. Nobody should have to go through this evil experience.

  • Anonymous

    I cry for everything, I can’t seem too explain something deep without crying. My family always has problems and I can never seem to get through to them. They promise me things and always let me down. I feel as if I’d be better off leaving:(

  • nosherwanraja

    My mum make me depressed…!!!she’s disturbing me everytime and hate me!!!i don’t know why but i can’t do anything because i’m alone my father died 6year ago it’s too bad after him his wife disturb me she fight’s me eveeytime i’m too depressed i love someone but can’t do anything cause of money

  • liza

    It’s a terrible nightmare…feels like you’ll never get rid((i’m having depression for about 1.5 years and was on antidepressant SSRI.after 1 year i feel great and energetic.i thought there is no need of med anymore and i stopped suddenely without reducing it’s amount((one day i was coming back from downtown suddenely i felt like im getting out of my mind n i realized that my life is not on ly dark but daker then before..i got relapse n i now i continued the same med but no results n getting more n more depreesed,feel like loosing my mind.i don’t know what to do.im taking vitamins and gingko herbs with SSRI but instead of getting better i’m getting worst.wanna suscide…

  • White

    Wow, all of the symptoms listed are exactly what I’ve been going through for years, starting from senior high school.

    I feel so lonely, tired and empty to care anymore. Recently I attended a reunion with several army mates whom I haven’t seen in years. All of them are either married or are about to get married and are searching for their own place to live. As for me, I’m like a 12-year-old boy who’s still hasn’t had his first kiss and is still living with his parents because I can’t afford a house even with a full-time job. All the bad memories of my failures came back to me, and that’s when I realized that my worthless life is a complete and utter joke.

    It’s too late to make any changes for the better so right now it feels like I’m counting down the days and just waiting to die. There’s a horrible sinking feeling in my stomach and heart and it’s only getting bigger every day.

  • Aaron

    Being depressed is like being in a very, very dark place in your mind and you can’t escape. The idea of people laughing, enjoying life, being happy makes you feel worse. Bed is my refuge away from everyone. No television, no radio, and the blinds and drapes are closed on a sunny day. I think it has a lot to do with the economy, uncertainty of the future and no sense of direction. But, it is also a mental state of negativity that cannot be shaken. Everything is perceived as being negative and magnified. They say that exercise and being social help, but they don’t. I actually feel worse and more tired. The smallest thing is an effort. It’s an never ending storm of doom and gloom. God bless those that understand this blog and thank you for understanding!

  • paula

    I feels so sad for yu all, I have hit a 2nd long period in my life, I have read a different view recently and quite impressed with it, it explains it is the way thatwe think that is causing it, the type of person you are, usually the best type too! So it is really nervous illness, an illness of the type of thinking pattern and this is all. Describing 4 fatigues we go through in a kind of pattern, mental fatigue through hooking into it, physical fatige when we ache, tighten, go to jelly whatever, the last one being spiritaul fatigue when we can hardly get up any more and worn out, if we dicide to view it differently and alter our understanding of what is going on here, the picture becomes clear that we are not depressed just fatigued, once you just learn to float through it, not analyse it or tear it apart, look into yourself all the time – just by training mind to float and whilst you gently and softly get on with what you need to do . good wishes to all hoping it helps a little worth a try

  • Darren

    After reading many of these comments I felt compelled to post a comment. I have suffered from depression for most of my life. I have even attempted suicide twice in my life. It Is Not Worth It! I still have anxiety, depression and many of the same symptoms you all have.I still fight with it. But I have seen my daughter grow up (which can create its own anxiety and depression), but I could have created worse things by succeeding in taking my own life. Keep fighting, even though it is exhausting as we all know it is. I also continually search for relief.

  • Mary

    It came over me a day or so after giving birth to my first child. I would want to rest but at soon as everyone left them room I would feel terribly alone, sad and scared. I told my midwife it felt like I had gotten on a roller coaster the moment labor began and I can NEVER get off. Depression feels like you’re alone in the world. It takes away the feeling you can do what everyone else seems to be able to do. It’s more than lack of confidence. People will say everyone struggles to get where they want. Depression is not your every day “struggle.” It’s a feeling of being trapped in a mind that can’t feel anything normal. Your not just unhappy. You’re de-pressed.

  • ramya

    from last 3 years after 4clk in the evening i cant go alone & i cant sleep ,speak & full time tiredness,& im thinking that amy be im going die,im feeling very sad ,bcz of tha i cant breath also sometimes,fear,,,,,,is that symptoms of Depression ?if so please advice me,,,,,,how to cm out of this ?

  • anel

    I feel empty inside. I don’t see the point of waking up each morning. I feel worthless
    I look at my husband and kid’s and see that I’ve failed as a mother and wife that they don’t deserve someone like me,they need something better.
    I ask my self each and every day “why was I born I don’t deserve to be alive. Everything I say is worthless and insignificant. No one can help me.

  • bella

    I feel sad, i cat sleep, i find things a us to find easy difficult, i cant stop eating i want to eat 24/7 i’m short tempered i feel helpless, i always feel judged by everyone around me, i cry at random times sometime at nothing 🙁 i dont know what it is but i think it may be a sign of depression

  • Shani

    I’m 14, but I don’t understand Depression at all. I have been asking myself for so long; “Could I be depressed? What am I doing here, why am I sad?” and I have come up with no answer to the question.

    I search Google for online symptoms of any type of depression. I’ve thought so much about it, and I think I have a kind of bi-polar and mild depression coming at me in the form of a freight train. I feel so tired at school, I can’t sleep and my appetite is dropping. I can barely eat two sandwiches, and if I do I’m full for the day.

    My mum suffers from depression, and I’m fairly sure I have depression in my genes somehow. I researched this, and it’s possible. Family and anyone with depression can pass it on, with no reason.

    I feel worthless. I feel like a little tiny particle of the world that you can only see with a microscope. I’m lonely, my friends would never understand. They try their best, and in return I always smile for them. Even if it’s fake, they deserve everything I can muster up.

    I see so many people here feeling worse than I do, and I don’t feel so alone. I’m selfish. I used to be helpful, I used to be so nice and selfless. Now? I’m always angry, I get irritated with everyone. I think of stabbing everyone who annoys me, I stabbed my friend with a plastic fork. I’m too honest and brutal with my words, and every day is a sluggish and tired daze.

    I get bullied a lot, for my red hair. I get teased for my silliness. I’m forgetful, I can’t remember a thing I learnt at school every day. I get harsh and sharp pains in my chest near my heart. I tell my mum I think I’m depressed, that’s not possible, she says. I’m too happy all the time, she says.

    I have no family support, everyone hates me. I can’t talk to anyone, no one listens. Yet I was the only one who listened to them when they were crying. I have no ones shoulder to cry on, I have no one but myself and the pain I feel everyday.

    I cut myself, and I don’t regret it. I don’t care, anymore. I have a boyfriend who I think is cheating on me. I have abandonment issues with my father, which has turned into long term affects and I now have paranoia that everyone is going to leave me. My fears are thoughts, they are thoughts I try so hard to repress.

    Have you ever felt so tired that, if you fall asleep you fear you will never wake up? I feel like every night, and it never goes away. I have frequent nightmares that like to wake me up and disturb my sleep. I wake up at silly hours of the morning, crying from a recent nightmare I have had.

    I might be writing so much, but all I have right now is a heavy heart and no one to talk to. My mum won’t put me in for a therapist, no one to talk to. I cannot go to my school counselor, I don’t trust her one bit.

    And I think of suicide a lot. I climb the stairs at school and think of falling off the balcony, just to feel some kind of physical pain other than what I feel inside.

    All I do is cry, I’m a sook. I feel guilty for thinking this, I’m so conflicted. I can’t run, my school grades are dropping. I’m prepared to get a job and save up, just to run away from this hell hole I call home.

    I just want my smile to be true, and I don’t want to be so tired and dumb anymore. 🙁

    I want it to go away…

  • Sophie

    Depression feels like nothing is interesting anymore and you’re not sure you’ve ever really found something or someone interresting, or were you faking interrest because that is what is expected of you.

    Depression feels like you will never get better, and you can’t kill yourself because the people who love you will feel guilty and you don’t want to pain them. So you have to go on and fake living.

    Depression feels like you’re an idiot for not being happy with the life, health, love you have. You really feel like an idiot.

  • Pixie

    I feel so sad and like i can’t talk to anyone about it. this is why i googled it. My family upsets me alot. THey use me. This is why i cant talk about it, cause it will be like i am letting them down by creating a bad name for them. I dont know what to do. i just want to be far away from them. they just make me sad and stressed and always put me in a compromising positions financially. i am not able to reach my goals and it seems that their goals are too low for me cause they seem to think i am fine the way i am and that my goals are not impportant. They are always taking money from me… i feel trapped

  • kay

    i’ve had “depression” from the age of 8/ish now 22year. i have gone through many different stage with my depression over the including an a temp on my life at 19. since then i can say it’s got any better, but no worst. however my depression seem to be hard to place into words, i do not hate myself nor would ever take my own life again, i just sort of feel like i dont belong in this world, i dont have good relationship with people a prefer to be alone a lot of the time even with my partner, conversation is a struggle, people bore me. i feel a lot of the time,in a other body experiences. like i not really here.but this doesn’t really bother me. it just feels like i was meant for a different time/world. i don’t enjoy “normal” human things. i know i have people that love me, that care, friends, partner, parents,children. i kown im not alone, but this doesn’t seem important to me.it like noone knows the real me, like i live to lives. the “normal” human life shopping,social,etc without too many problems. but this life doesn’t always seem real, like im doing the actives but me mentally isn’t really there. i smile but it’s only my body that smiles.

  • Numbness

    After reading all these comments, it is clear to me that most of us share symptoms or can relate to about 95% of what all the others say. I was severely injured from a fall off of a ladder at work on 3-10-2010 and have just had hernia surgery 9 weeks ago, cervical neck fusion (4 vertebrae) and still am waiting for shoulder, lumbar and double knee surgery. I have a lawyer, but its a Florida workers comp case, which has the weakest laws in the country to make the insurer do anything without a fight and long delays in between surgeries. I sit day and night watching tv or internet, because I can do nothing else, and I hurt from head to toe perpetually and meds do little to nothing to help. I feel completely hopeless and that the world is passing me by, and I have no relevance anymore at all. No one visits me, and I seldom go anywhere or do anything. I have gained 30 lbs due to be so sedentary, and feel as though my entire life has been a book filled with countless chapters on failure. My personality has completely changed. I used to be fun loving, kind, generous, live and let live, but now I find I am very cynical, and mean spirited, and have a very quick and deliberate temper, which takes very little to draw a major over reaction on my part. I just fell stuck, and that its never going to end. Please pray for me, as I will all of you.

  • Rachel

    Depression is when you wake up from a terrible nightmare–and instead of being glad you’re out of it, you want to go back in because reality feels so much worse than that nightmare.

  • Rohan Fisher

    Well here are my thoughts. It feels like I am revving up a car, but the more I try to move, nothing but smokes pours out from the hood. I know the car is stuck in neutral, but I simply don’t know how to shift into drive. The more I try, I simply go into reverse. When society requires me to move fast, my anxiety sets in and I move slow. I tend to become fast finger Freddy, when I need to be patient. Everything I want to work, simply does not work. Everything I don’t want to work, will work i.e. bad luck. I want to succeed, but I always fail. I want to pick myself up from the gutter, but the street cleaner always pushes me back in. I asked psychologist and psychiatrist for help, but nothing works. When I am feel like crap, I want to get a knife, take some tablets, and slice my wrist. I just want to feel normal like I did way back in 2005. I miss the old youthful me. I use to pride myself on falling down and dusting myself off again. As the years go by, I am simply sliding into this chasm and there is no way out.

  • meemee

    Why do i fail at making you happy?
    Why do you always cry?
    Sometimes i know i am snappy
    Sometimes i wish to die
    I just need you to know
    That i never want to let you go
    But i’ve become so low
    So let my blood flow

    The memories of life
    The memories of you
    Cuts me like a knife
    Just like the razor blade will do
    But now you can be joyful
    Because life without me
    Will be wonderful
    And you will be free

    I will no longer bring you down
    So stand up tall
    You will no longer wear a frown
    You will never again fall.
    As for now i am cold
    Lying on the floor
    With a note that is in a fold,
    And a locked door.

  • John

    It feels like you are stuck in the worst place possible-a place where heaven does not exist yet poetry is abundant. Forget this world with its media making everyone unhappy with their own life. Everyone but you is happy. You are someone who has something wrong with them. No one else. Everyone else is living in a fishbowl, while you live in a blacked out cave. There is little hope…You see your loved ones and you cannot want them to at all know what you are going through. you have little empathy wonder why the world is so easy for others yet difficult for you. You rarely have time to conduct a spell check, much less write in coherent sentences. You cannot take the smallest amount of time to enjoy any real circumstance. The dark makes you feel sad. Most people get things done after five oclock, yet you are afraid to go out. People wonder about what you are about, but you are unable to express yourself to them and keep thinking that they must be thinking that you are crazy somehow. You can be so very handsome or beautiful, only you would not know and wonder why it has been four days since your last shower. You keep telling yourself that you are stupid yet others tell you that you are smart. You spend inordinate amounts of time online wondering what other people are going through only to validate your own pre-conceptions that you are just an obsessive jerk and end up punishing yourself for god knows why. Your family has been nothing but dear to you, and you are purely ashamed that this state of loserness is all that you have to show for it. You cannot communicate properly with anyone else because each time you do, your mind is in a different place. You stink at doing anything with your hands because you are so unmindful of whatever it is you are doing that things will fall out of your hand immediately. You hate hate hate traffic and it drives you mad. You do not have any power of choice and continue to ruminate over all of your misdeeds over the course of your life. you cannot seem to take care of yourself and feel like you will suffocate. you cannot eat. You sleep too late. And only enjoy the melancholy of the wold.

  • Petra

    I have this entire list and I seem to be able to recall EVERYTHING I’ve done wrong and find new ways to do things wrong every freaking day.

    I have no friends but not for lack of pushing myself and pretending to be positive. There’s just something wrong with me.

    The person I thought was my “ONE” Im not good enough for anymore and
    am just a burden and obligation. A replacement for me is being sought out. If I try to talk about things that I feel or think deeply about I get tuned out or there’s always something more important than what I am saying at the moment. And no matter what upsets me I am told I am irrational and stupid for feeling and hurting things as deeply as I do. Even the idea that my Dad who past a few years ago, watched over me and helped me isI considered a pidpic notion

  • fuck

    how depressed can get I’m 25 years old n i live with my parents I cant move out because I’m a I a girl and it’s FUCKING illegal for a single unmarried girl to move out of her parents in SAUDI ARABIA!!! And it feels like i want to kill my self !!!

  • Elise

    Please, if you have depression get help! I take Zoloft now and that alone helps me the most. There is a way out, so please try to find it! Love you, Elise.

  • Jessenia

    I feel like I just want to fly away and never come back! I want to die but don’t have the courage to kill myself. I cry at work, home and while I’m driving. I never want to go home!

  • Death Vader

    Die…just die is all I want to do
    Every day is just another layer of pain heaped onto the layer of the previous days layers heaped on from the previous weeks layers heaped on from the previous years layers heaped on from the previous lives.
    This is hell isn’t it.

  • Caroline

    I have manic depression and was in mental therapy for 2 months earlier this year and had 7 electric shock treatments to my brain. I am 71 now and fell as if life has passed me by. I married but have been legally separated since 1972. I have an only child, a son who is married and he and his wife are busy living their lives so I don’t see them much. I am so lonely that I feel like I am all alone in the world as I have no brothers or sisters and parents are dead. I was fondled by my grandfather when Iwas about 6 yrs old. That left scars and also my dad was a terrible alcoholic and beat my mother and tore her clothes off and we would run somewhere and hide from him. My mother ended up in a mental hospital where she stayed approx 18 years and my dad was found on the side of a road with broken leg and side of his head caved in and I never found out what happened. He was in a coma about 2 weeks and then sorta came out of it and died. If he knew who did it to him, he was never able to tell it. If I am alone, I feel that everyone else in the world has someone but me and I have so much anguish and despair that if I get to sleep, I wake up in a panic knowing I am in this house all alone with no one to talk to and no one is coming. In other words, I have no life to speak of. Only dogs to talk to. It is horrible to feel this way that I sometimes wish God would take me out of here.

  • Steve

    Depression?. I would describe it as Gray, everything is lifeless, boring, dull. Nothing is fun. People around you don’t care and piss you off. Sleeping and waking up is a bitch. You don’t want to do anything, your friends also annoy you.

    At least that is what it was for me, i even thought about rejoining the army and going to iraq just to die.

    in conclusion, you feel like everything you are doing is for nothing, and your tired of pretending it does. its just, “meh’.

  • Zaina

    When I sleep I have disturbing dreams. When I wake up, I wish I could go right back to sleep again. I cry but the pain wont come out. I used to cut, now one of my arms is scarred. Iv’e been this way for five years. I feel as though grief is consuming everything I used to be. I’m slow, sometimes my speaking is slow because my thoughts feel like muddled, drying cement, and always fatigued even if my day hasnt been too taxing pyshically. I feel like a self centered time bomb who cant escape and one day these thoughts about escaping a barren, miserable, and very tiresome life will explode.

  • Wendy

    @Elephant, my depression is chemical. There seems to be no other cause. I have tried just talk therapy but always felt like it only went so far, and there was still a little grey cloud following me. I have been on meds for 20+ years. It has saved my life more than once. But I still need talk therapy and continue to work toward keeping the relapses at bay.

  • Wendy

    Hey, Lauren. You ARE depressed. That feeling of wanting to sleep forever I can really identify with. To sleep and feel nothing. To have control over things is so easy. But when I have felt that, I just don’t want to wake up. Or I am so tempted to take something to put me in a coma. Anything would be so much better than life. Coping is the hard part of life. Dying is easy.

  • Wendy

    Lately I have noticed that my “feelings” are coming back. For the past couple years I had noticed that I felt like my brain was empty. No fear, anger, remorse, care, love…nothing. As though my feelings were tucked behind an opaque fiberglass wall. I knew there were there, but couldnt reach them or feel them. It was very frightening. But for the past two months I have felt very depressed. Tried to kill myself twice and realized that that “empty” feeling was gone. I have been feeling very good the past couple days. Feelings are in my head and comfortable. Not sad, or suicidal. So far so good.

  • AAF

    Depression feels like someone is pushing down on my shoulders. It makes me feel like I’m weighing down into the ground. I’m not sure if anyone else has experienced this, but I have a physical sensation in my head of pushing, throbbing (w/o pain), or heaviness. I feel like my eyes are caving in.

    I have to make an effort to smile. I feel different towards people- less emotionally and mentally connected to them. I doubt my relationships and feel as though they aren’t worth the effort when I’m going through a depressive episode ( depression comes and goes for me). It makes me sad thinking about people. I feel like I have nobody in my life, and at the same time, I isolate myself because it’s difficult to connect. I feel like no one wants to be around me. I feel awkward and anxious.

    I have vivid, stressful dreams that wake me up throughout the night, every hour… the dreams are very real, bizzare, and are one continuing dream (I know- I see the clock every time I wake up. They will last from 1 am to 8am).

    I stop doing things that I normally enjoy, and neglect on my responsibilities. I don’t manage my money as well. I’m more agitated and have less patience for people. Talking with people wears me out.

    I have had depression on and off since I was 15 and now I am 20. I have contemplated suicide during these times, but I’m glad I never acted on it at my worst points in life. I feel embarrased that I have been going through this for 5 years, but I have come to the conclusion that depression, like many other mental illnesses, and illnesses in general for that matter, follow you throughout life. They make you who you are. Depression makes me appreciate the good times and it makes me appreciate the people I have, like my mom. There’s something about depression that just reminds you of death, as cliche as it sounds, so I am so thankful that she’s here and that, at least in this moment, we’re living together on the earth.

  • jenn

    I FEEL LIKE I AM DROWNING IN MY OWN SORROWS, REGRETS, AND ANGER. I AM NOT AN ALCOHOLIC AND NEVER DONE DRUGS BUT I FEEL LIKE IT’S THE ONLY WAY TO AT LEAST TRY NOT TO BE OVERWHELMED BY MY EMOTIONS. MEDS DON’T DO SHIT. I HATE THE PERSON I AM AND HAVE BECOME.

  • Lauren

    i don’t know if i am depressed, i just feel guilty and lifeless, like all the pain in the world is sitting on my shoulders. I’ve become a vegetarian recently,but it hasn’t really helped me feel better.

    I feel lonely, but i don’t want to talk to anyone, i don’t want to move, i want to sleep forever, i want to disappear,to never have existed, so no one will miss me.

    I’m just one tiny person in a infinite universe, i don’t matter. I’ve fantasized about killing myself, and sometimes i feel so cold.

    My feelings have ups and downs, i feel better when i’m around other people, because then mask feels real, life seems hopeful, but as soon as i’m alone i feel heavy and dull, and on the verge of tears for no reason at all, which makes me feel weak, stupid, pitiful,to be crying when there is so much worse things to be crying about.

  • Coty Stover

    Hello guys my name is Coty and im a singer/writer/instrument messer around wither lol:p but I tried to commit sucicide and I had my finger on the trigger one day and it felt like I heard my dead grandma say “Dont Do It” and I was astounded and put it down fell asleep with the gun in my hand the next morning luckily my mom didnt walk down to see me with it I used aloott of drugs including, meth, acid, extacy if thats how you spell it, weed, pills, trying to kill myself again I took two double hits of acid and two lines of cocaine and made me open my eyes I was heading to hell fast I still will probably go there but I warn you what Ive seen in my trips and dreams you want to stay away from that stuff the depression will only get worse the song that opened my eyes I cant find anymore but it said “so many people running blind when you could have the key to open their eyes” I took that and started writing and playing guitar Which i should have done alot earlier but if I would have i wouldnt be sitting here telling you to do the same I always thought I couldnt play or sing but it opened my eyes and here is one of my poems its called One Last Chance…
    Give me reason to keep trying so I can see the day that my words become loved!!!
    How do I keep getting so many chances????
    Life slowly is passing me by while I sit here with tears held in.
    Memories and thoughts trapped on paper slowly become clear in words.
    One day will they sail above the ocean and become free???
    Sacrificed hidden memories written on these blank pages transform into a new talent.
    One last chance to make things right so many given before till the last runs out.
    Will it fail or become a shooting star shining bright???
    I keep writing these golden words in the style of my life as a personal plaque.
    I have pain in every part of my body but it feels amazing to write them.
    Time passes by as my eyes fail to gain sight.
    Lonely, tired, and sore but I keep in mind I’m alive.
    The purpose of life is to live it and cherish it while your here.
    You have the risk to fight for what you know is right.
    Life isn’t about love at first sight or die trying, if you fail don’t sweat it get up and try again.
    If you don’t get your way just go with it and see what happens.
    Don’t make a memory a wake up call to be hung up on.
    Keep it admirable so they gain pleasure hearing it.
    It doesn’t have to be a song, if you have a talent your time will come to show.
    Take your time to gain what’s needed for life, live with no fear of what you will soon find dear.

    Everything happens for a reason dont lose faith you all were meant to shine so make life your personal plaque

  • Terry Crawford

    i sit in my flat for days and listen to music,, i start paniking around ppl a dont know why, i cant talk to sum1 without puttin my head down, i only feel safe with sertin ppl who am close to, my head is taking ova my life i am really scared :((

  • BLUEONPLAY

    DEPRESSION FOR ME FEELS LIKE THIS UNBEARABLE HEAVINESS. I DON’T WANT MY CHILDREN TOUCHING ME, I DON’T WANT TO HEAR THEM, AND I JUST YELL AT ANYONE THAT’S IRRITATING ME. I CRY…FOR NO GOOD REASON AND SOB UNCONTROLLABLY WHEN HURT. I CAN’T SEEM TO SOLVE ANY PROBLEM WITH ANYONE SO I TRY TO WISH MYSELF AWAY… I WISH, I WISH, I wish…

  • MissL

    I have suffered from depression since I was a child. Three years ago I found out I had cancer at 19. Since then I have had one medical problem after another including finding out I have Crohns disease and a form of Epilepsy. My family almost lost everything because of my illness. I had to drop out of a top college and my dream school because of illness and severe depression. I cant even begin to describe the pain of depression. I cry at night when I’m alone for what seems no reason at all. I’ve pushed everyone I ever cared about away from me. I started lying just so I could sleep all day. Even when I sleep I have terrible nightmares. My anxiety is so bad I think I’m having a heart attack all the time. Any sort of music or noise going on at the same time stresses me to the point of seizures. I lived for art and was going to school for it but I haven’t touched it since I left school 2 years ago. Just being awake feels like it’s taking everything I have. Nothing and no one is interesting anymore. The list just continues. Depression is so terrible. I feel for anyone who suffers from this. Hugs to all of you

  • xd

    I noticed it when I was about 12, riding home on the bus for fall break in 7th grade. I looked outside the window and couldn’t figure out why I didn’t care that I was about to be on break. I thought that I should be more happy but wasn’t.

    Over the years I’ve actually developed this into a pretty nice self-defense mechanism. I can recess a bit into my mind when I’m in a situation I really don’t want to be in (also has an unfortunate effect of happening in situations where I would be extremely happy) and apply that cloudy glassy view to kind of ease the pain/awkwardness.

    I’ve had this for about 9 years. I don’t think I /want/ medicine for it, though. It’s shaped me into someone I enjoy. The suicidal thoughts linger when I’m pretty overwhelmed. But I know I’ll never act out on it. It’s just a really weird fantasy. I do experience everything listed here and have for many years. But I really have just, grown to accept it.

    I probably would’ve got help when I was younger if my mother would have believed me. I only ever brought it up when I was extremely sad for obvious reasons. She thought I was just being overdramatic all the time. It really sucked.

  • Siren

    The way I feel, doesn’t match the people I’m around. Everyday I feel like I’m in a gray invisible cloud. I fail at everything, nothing I do is correct. The more I fail, the darker the cloud. The more I feel invisible. Sometimes I am not sure if I want it to go away. Maybe its just part of my life. I have grown so used to it. But there are times, that I just can’t handle it. This very dark cloud is coming from a source deep inside of me. It is the darkest secret I have ever had.

  • Nan

    Sometimes I can’t tell if I’m feeling depressed or crazy. I shouldn’t have this going on. I’m a Christian. But I get mad cause there is no way out for me. I don’t even have the option of suicide because of my belief and the fact that I am raising my grand baby. My children have rejected me. I have so many responsibilities and people have always seen me as “the strong one”. I wish the Lord would take me on to heaven. But then again would I go? I shouldn’t be feeling so hopeless if I were truly a Christian should I? All that has ever seem to matter to me are my kids. But I don’t matter to them at all. Never had such great pain.I am scared of my own thoughts. Not going to do anything like suicide but I do not want to lose my mind and give Christians a bad name. Does that sound crazy? O Lord help me learn how to deal with the pain as well as to control my thoughts.

  • Miguel

    I tend to feel alone in the world. Like no one ever understands my point of view or understands me in general. I have this way of thinking that (i believe) is just not normal. I believe i’m depressed, I do not have suicidal tendencies but most of the time I am down and tend to hide it from the rest of the world. I really feel so alone and it is a terrible feeling knowing that you don’t have anyone to count on. that you don’t have anyone who will ask you if you’re ok.

    Before I wouldn’t understand why certain people would cut themselves. Now I know. I have never cut myself but I have bit myself and made myself bleed. Just like the old me, not a lot of people understand how bad one feels to the point where they harm themselves. Its not pretty. I wouldn’t wish anyone to feel like this. I’m actually glad that i’m the one like this and not someone else.

    Also, I don’t really sleep, I can’t stay still. I always tend to be doing something because if I don’t i’ll start thinking and that’s when the depression hits me the hardest.

    Another thing, I do not really care much about myself. It sounds like something everyone says but its true, I don’t. The only reason I did good in high school and graduated college was not because I wanted to, it was because I wanted to make my parents proud. Because they did not have the opportunity to go to school and become better people. But I don’t really care about that, I don’t care about money or any material possessions. I say I don’t care about myself because I always put others before me, I help them instead of helping myself. I rather help 50 people and see them happy than just seeing myself (1 person) happy.

    I don’t even know what to write anymore. The feelings I have are too complex to explain and am not able to explain them. I just hope that there’s someone out there who will lend me a hand. Who will show me that life is not about always feeling alone and that this life can be wonderful….

  • Andrea

    i was about 13 years old when i felt all these depression symptoms. and of course, like worried parents, my parents didn’t tell me that i was diagnosed with deep depression. now, at the age of 17, i found out that i was diagnosed with deep depression after secretly reading a letter that my sister wrote years ago to be accepted to a university (something to do with a personal statement i’m guessing). it got me so irritated that they kept that away from me. and now i wonder what else they have kept away from me too.i remember that i had suicidal thoughts (at the age of 13/14) and now, i look back and am grateful that i didn’t do anything stupid. because taking your own life away for whatever reason is stupid. and if you are able to say those words and let them sink in, that means that you are on a good path, that you are aware of what you have, and that you want to help yourself get out of this depression. 🙂 “AFTER THE STORM LEAVES, WE’RE LEFT WITH A BEAUTIFUL RAINBOW!”

  • Eva

    I wrote this poem after getting drunk to numb out the pain..

    All my life, I’ve been living up expectations
    What people demand, what people want of me
    I’ve lost my way
    No longer know who I am in this domineering world.
    Maybe I’m meant to end up this way, maybe I’m supposed to feel such hate
    For a world that I will never know#
    For a life that’s not meant to be
    Sometimes I ask my self why, I’ve ended up this way
    Full of insecurity and imperfection
    I’ve tried so hard to steer away from misery
    And yet it seems to dominate me
    It’s not much that I ask for a little patience, a kind word, a soft touch
    A loving kiss and warmth of someone
    Someone who understands me
    Not that I understand myself anyway
    It’s too shit
    Abysmal
    My life
    Who would want to understand it?
    Feel emptiness all of the time
    Until I drink, myself into oblivion

  • Brandon

    Personally, I see everything as so dull, lifeless… I was almost hit by a car the other day while crossing the street at work, and I just stopped. I felt my pulse quicken, blood thrumming in my ears, saw the color of the car, the street, the sky… I wanted it to hit me, because in that moment, I felt -almost- alive, and I was ready to die, before I fell back into the pit this incident lulled me out of. I haven’t even told anyone about this incident, I don’t want anyone else to worry – I’ve felt this nearly my whole life, and I know I can fight hard enough to hang on – but I’m just waiting for the day when I can finally rest… People without depression don’t understand the literal physical pain we suffer every day to get out of bed, to get moving, to put that mask back on, so the people that (we think, because we can’t feel it) matter to us don’t have to worry themselves over our agony. All I want in life is to be happy… I’m still waiting, and dare I say… Hoping?

  • Ankesh Soni

    It’s feel bad,I want to die,someone left me and I am not able to forget her.I have no way which bring her closer to me.Now i got what is life.for a movement you find world is going away from you.you always hurt yourself,you feel good when you hurt yourself.life seems to be a formality.but its feels great ,in this situation you can see yourself as well as the whole world ,Now you know yourself very well.Don’t try to be happy.Is happiness is every thing,No,find yourself but don’t try to suside because your life can help others,live for others my friends,you can get every thing If you want.its not sure that your all wishes comes true in this life,So don’t worry.Feel the sadness but don’t try to go away from it because this sadness will help you to know the actual WHO R U & Why you in this earth.I enjoy my sadness,I enjoy every tear which left from my eyes.

  • Bhar

    I am feeling almost all the points mentioned. I dont have a job and I am scared shitless whenever an interview approaches. I always have that feeling of impending doom and constantly day dreaming of something better in my life

  • Moe

    I feel like everything I do is off the balance. I want this to all go away. I just told my mom what is going on, and she’s gonna get me help. Suicide was on my mind constantly, but I never tried it. My friends seemed far away, and dwendling, and my family was always getting on my nerves. But I feel better now that I know what the heck is going on with me!

  • janice

    I have been there before, and I am so releived and glad to say that I made it to the other side, and have been free of it for nearly 4 years now. As i read over these other comments posted here, it makes my eyes feel with tears to see how many hurting hearts there are out there. I wish I could give each and every one of youa hug and tell you it’s going to be OK. I know to all of you, HOPE seems like a four-letter word that only means disappointment and heartbreak. I understand that, as I have been where you are. I have spent nights overcoem with numbness because I just didnt have th energy to cry anymore, and days sleeping because life didnt seem worth living. I want to encourage you to keep going, to not give up. There IS hope for you! Sharing your feelings on this site, even when you thought it was pointless, is a giant step in the right direction! See? you are already on your way to healing and you didnt even realize it1 I want to encourage you to seek help. If nobody has told you they love you, then ehar it from me: I love you! I am rooting for you, and I believe in you, even if you dont beleive in ourself yet. There is hope for the future, you never kno w what wonderful opportiunitiy is just waiting around the corner for you. Please hang on, just one more day. and then one more day after that. One day you will look back on this day adn be glad you hung on. I pray tha teach and every precious heart and eyes that read this will be given an opportunity to get help adn be free of this “prison of the mind” and and that each of your will one day be given the opportuity to help someone else who is struggling as well.
    -Sending each and every one of you a “virtual” Big Warm Blanket Right Out Of The Dryer for your hearts!

  • Disgusting

    Pointless. Everything is pointless and I’m a disgusting and weird person and everyone can see all the disgusting and weird things inside of me. I can’t kill myself because that would be selfish and selfish people are disgusting. I can’t stay in bed all day because I would let my boss and family down and that too would be selfish and disgusting. I’m disgusting. I hate myself and everyone else does too. That’s what it feels like to me.

  • James

    I would agree with most of the list although it is hard to define exactly. Everything outside my cocoon seems like one uncontrollable squirming mess and it somehow penetrates me and people impose themselves on my thoughts and can hear them by looking at my face. Things seem to contradict each other; I am slow and stupid,yet my mind races through everything and as a result I have completed something before even starting it, so what’s the point? One thing I would like to understand is depression and sexuality. Are people with depression more prone to certain sexual acts such as BDSM than those without depresssion, or is it the undercover nature of these kinks that renders people depressed as they feel isolated? It would really ease my mind to know more – have any papers been written on this?

  • IRWIN

    I have suffered from depression my whole life. I had it when I was as young as 4 years old. I had it thru my school years, my days in combat during the Korea war, My dating years, My married years. This depression monster had been my companion and will not let go. Several time I attemped to end my life and do not know why I stopped. My wife died almost 2 years ago and I am by myself. My children came to visit me last week. The last time they came was for the funeral. My neibhors do not even say hello. My depression has grown so bad that I feel I can not hang on any more. I feel its the end. A nice day to everyone. irwin

  • Richard Davies

    I have been having sudden swings, not in a day but throughout the year. Some weeks I will be hopeful and buoyant and others I will just want to be alone, get tired after only being awake for a couple of hours and even after eating a proper meal and drinking properly.

    I can’t stand being in the company of my family at all and when I am out with friends I can’t think of any words to say to anyone and certain things that my friends do will really piss me off.But i still force myself out because i know i should socialise and i just hope that one day i will enjoy being out.

    I have started gravitating towards pets rather than people. Food hasn’t lost its taste the way that was described but i have been finding that i will be starving for hours and then eat a very little amount of food and feel either full or sick and other times i will feel hungry and constantly eat and never feel full.

    Sometimes i will just go to sleep for a whole day to try and ignore other things or just simply try and stop being so irrepressibly tired all the time. But when i sleep i always have nightmares, i will be able to control certain directions in my dream but they will always lead to a bad outcome, usually death or violence in some way.

    But the worst thing is not being tired, hungry/ full, lonely or any of those other things it is being bored all the time. Nothing i do makes me smile or laugh or even hold my attention anymore. I started thinking that if hell existed that it would be worse to be bored for eternity than burn for eternity.

  • Tamara

    I Feel like im not “normal” –
    I Feel like my mind goes slow.
    I Feel like crying everyday. & i do.
    I Feel sad because of the way i feel .
    I Feel like shit.
    I dont know if i can help you all , but im gonna tell you how i feel .

    When i started feeling this “feeling”. it wasn’t as bad. I Felt like i was “high”. couple weeks later. i started getting panic attacks every hour or so , Month later , it got WORSE. to the point that i feel like im not NORMAL. i feel like im inside of a glass jar. I Forget easily . and i had a good memory. what the fuck happened. I get weak sometimes. i feel weak , and dizzy when i get up sometimes. only time i feel normal is when im sleeping. wish i could have a great life. and then this feeling has to come and ruin it. i never thought depression was this bad. not i know how it feels. and it hurts me so much that you all here are struggling . some of yours is worse than the way im feeling. makes me speechless. is makes me sad. WE DONT DESERVE THIS.

  • Tamara

    Im 14 years old. i started feeling this 3 or 4 months ago. my family is torn apart. But im strong. i dont cry much , & randomly. i started feeling like im “high” . I was feeling like , im in a box. or a window, i feel like things are “fake”. and it scares me. I cry so much now , Just randomly. I get so much panic attacks. but i improved a lot with panic attacks. i can control my depression very well. but sometimes it gets out of control , and makes me feel like im going crazy. I Feel it everyday. there’s not a day that i can go , without thinking im sad. Or having the feeling. I Feel like Shit . Why dose this have to happen to me? im 14. im going on 15 this month. im suppose to be having a great life. im still a kid. i deserve to feel like a kid. and i feel like im 10x older than that.

  • BRODY

    Im 28 now but noticed something was wrong when I was 14 I was a failure scared n anxious I remember now that when I began goin to school I didnt or need friends I was ashamed for some reason. I had to face my family who were almost always drunk I would try to approach them to tell them I was feeling sad they always told me I was exaggerating at 18 I attempted suicide but failed they said I was a crybaby so I went on with life n this fed up feeling always comes back I always tell myself I was to chicken to succeed n “going away” n start thinking about how im selfish n I know thetes worse situations out there but rite noe my heart sank n I always stare n to the clouds not knowing what im looking for I wonder am I depressed or like my fam always told me that its nothing! Im married but I feel alone like im the one trying to work on this O n hes an alcholic I think n say to myself im asking for it but why? Im tired of it all n know for a fact am I really needed here!? I want my head heart to stop feeling why is it so hard? Am I depressed?

  • rain

    I just don’t want to exist. I just want to have never existed at all. Everything I do is wrong or not good enough. Everything I say is ether pointless or harmful. I don’t want to keep hurting and letting people down anymore.I fail everyone that I care about. They would all be better off if I was just gone.

  • Tinytin

    I thought I was getting better. In a new college, the man who abused me sexually as a child isn’t moving back to our area, I was getting a fresh start.

    But the darkness is still there. I can’t bring myself to care for my classes, don’t have friends because I am unable to bring my guard down around anyone, and I have no goals or dreams in life. Sometimes even eating isn’t worth the bother anymore, I only do it when my stomach hurts too much to ignore. I am a complete failure, a worthless drain on my parents and better off dead.

    I want to go to therapy but there are no psychologists here and hiring one specially is far too expensive for us.

    Please, if the next poster can afford it, go to one for me? There are already too many people enduring this sort of hell.

  • elephant

    Thanks for this website, this was a site I showed my husband and he could read for himself another man in his shoes! He could as see and read the unclinical results of depression.
    Anxiety can very well be tangled with this ugly diagnoses, but life does get better, stress and anxiety that comes wiht life need to be delt with or the depression will only resurface. Question? Are those that are depressed realize what is the root of their depression, outsiders can see it, does the person that is depressed see it? Please help, anyone!!!!!

  • Linda

    i’m writing this cause i’m wondering if i’ heading into depression or something.
    i’m starting to get mad alot now.
    and i’m starting to cry more after i get mad.

  • Stevo

    I really like what you wrote here. There is not much out there that lists these specific feelings and thoughts when your depressed. Some people will take the “depression self diagnosis test” and will be deterred from seeking professional help because they don’t fully understand what the clinical tests are saying. The clinical tests are meant to be screened by a psychologist so they can ask further questions to properly diagnose. I’m really glad you wrote this because the descriptions of depression you wrote on here are not anywhere else. In alot of cases when your depressed and you don’t fully understand or “click” with what is being said on most self help tests you tend to give up on them. I believe this will help people who are depressed to seek professional help. Thank you for writing this article and sharing it with others.

  • Molly

    I am really considering hanging myself or taking sleeping pills just so that I can die and not have to worry about fucking up my life and ruining everything, which seems inevitable.

    I have been in community college for 5 years now and I still can’t get out, I cannot pass a math class. I never have and I doubt I ever will. I want to go to a proper four year college so badly but few will accept me because of the math requirement. My mother’s co-workers, people she and I have known for years ask what is going on with me and i can’t take knowing that other people work at her studio and their kids work there and I’m just this horrible fucking failure. I hate myself for everything I have done. I can’t tell you one thing in my life that i’m proud of.

    I work a terrible job that I hate and I don’t talk to anyone anymore, my life is just tumbling into a pit that I can’t find my way out of.

    Men don’t want me. Every man I have ever been with has used me for sex and when I think about that it hurts even more. I can’t even look at my friends facebook statuses or at happy couples anymore, I don’t feel like their happiness is accessible in my life. I cut off all of my friendships-they are all successful and happy people-it doesn’t make sense for me to hang around them when their lives are all about movement and better change and mine is nothing but stagnation and loneliness.

    I want to smash every mirror in my house. I hate looking into them because I hate seeing myself in the reflection. Suicide seems like the best option for me, now and forever.

    Sleep is forgotten. I rarely go to bed before 2AM now and that’s sad, since I work full time. I feel like I am regressing and becoming an animal or something less than human, less than myself. I want out of this hell.

  • alexandra

    The only hope I have in me is that this life will be over as soon as possible! That something will happen to end it.
    The most horrifying thought, is the possibility that I’ll have to live until very old age… this fear is like a nightmare for me!
    I stopped dating, I don’t feel I want to make a family and rise children anymore.
    I wish I was capable of ending this misery myself, perhaps in time I’ll find the strength to do it.
    When you realize at 35 that you have been wasting your time for 35 years, it is definitely not a good thing!
    Nothing matters anymore, and worst, I realized that nothing did matter before either, I only foolishly believed it did. Nothing to look forward to!
    Why was I even born? Life is such a pain in the a**!

  • Daniel

    I feel as if the world has trapped me. Nothing I ever do comes to fruition. I have failed continually trying to be a self made hero and this has distanced me from my family to the point where I’m about to be cut off. I have told lies to give myself space and its as if time is playing a dirty trick as it watches these pathetic and crushing events unfold around me. I’m a pathetic human being that’s trying to do better, but yet I remain pathetic with minimal or no improvement as I rot through each miserable day.

  • Jordan

    Negative thoughts are always surrounding and drowning me, no matter how irrational I tell myself they are. It is very difficult to gather thoughts and I WORSHIP the few random days I have when I have a clear conscious. It is very difficult to complete even simple tasks that used to take no thought at all. I don’t know why conversations with people… even ones I’ve known for years… have to be so difficult and draining. My social phobia/depression is causing me to push away the ones who really care about me until I am left with nothing. The most frustrating thing for me is that I am told time and time again how funny and intelligent I am but I can’t make myself believe it… All well time to hit the liquor store :0

  • jessica

    i never thought my problem was depression till i seen this..here latly i have been wondering what has been going on with me but when my hubby asks i tell him it’s nothing and i am fine i am just having a bad day.I used to love sex now i could careless about it,my kids and everything around me has been irritating me and then i guess panic attacks felt like they wanted to show themselves.when i read the symptoms on here it made me cry and i am still crying because i have not been able to put anything into words or communicate at all latly,and when i read this it just gave me my awnser..and it is hard to take this in because i haven’t had anything on my mind that i can think of other then house work and taking care of my kids but there i guess has been alot more going on then i thought 🙁 it sucks to get out of bed every morning because i feel like i don’t get enough sleep at night and i could go to bed as early as 9pm at night and wake up at 8am and go straight to the couch and sleep two more hours and still feel fatigued.I tried to practice driving yesturday and on the way home had a panic attack and when we got in our neighborhood i just stopped the van and broke down crying and normally i won’t do that.I just haven’t felt like me,smileing is hard to do,laughing well i aint had a good laugh in a long time and just stepping outside is just like why did i even bother.My qeustions everyay is more or less of why am i here?does anyone care about me anymore?Why does everthing irritate me even thngs that didn’t befor?why can’t i hold a full conversation without feeling strange? it is questions like this that i still have not got any form of awnsers for and it upsets me deeply,it’s like i steeped outside and can’t get back in.I hope nobody feels this way because it is an very unpleasant thing to go through and not knowing what to do let alone what’s wrong with yourself.Even typeing this i feel strang and i didn’t even put down everything i have symptom wise but i tell you what it is the majority of what is listed up above :-(.

    • kerry

      Hi there i feel the same ive had depression before so the docs say when i went cause i was always tired and fatigue so tired i could hardly breath but this is diffrent i dont want get up and want go bed early kids screaming and shouting drives me to go and hide away or leace the house for a while my partner aggitates me somedays i like him some days i dont i cry at stupid things like my kids singing or my fog watching me out window talking about this i fill up with tears i get tight chested i dont want pills again as i was like a zombie last time but looks like i need them the day is a daze when im working go dizzy faint sweat like could collapse really dont know

  • C H R IS

    Right now i basically just feel like i fucked my brain up from thinking about God, me, and my friends alot and i thought ive been hearing things in my head for a year that ive been listening to about changing myself and lowering my own self esteem, and changing my personality. i also used to smoke alot of pot and drink alot and closer and closer i came to really figuring out these voices i would either get more akward or the pain in my head would feel awarding. i would get so bad some days that i did what i want when i wanted without thinking of peoples feelings. and i acted like the boss for a while, to my friends and my mom. i got into a bunch of instances where i had no idea what was going on, i lost my confidence, felt like i wanted to go back and never change so i could grow as a person insteead of feeling like a robot who thinks they know everything. i can barely think but i monitor my head now everyday and its almost like im living in a flip book and i feel like a sharp pain in my heart. this feels like a mixture of stress, anxiety, self depression. and my friends still dont know that i feel like some “superhuman”. aaaaah i need help getting rid of these thoughts. i just want a new life.

  • Richard

    I fell like I’m alone and I don’t want to be alone as if there is a wall separating me and my happiness.I feel as if I want to die but I just can’t.
    I always fell tired I fell like I’m wearing a mask. Locking me inside and putting a different me on the outside.what’s the point of living? I mean even if I do die the world still goes on, the sun still sets ,and the moon still shines. What is the point? It doesn’t make sence to me anymore.nothing makes sence to me!

  • hannah hugill

    i don’t need a doctor to tell me i’m wrong in the head i don’t even talk to my friends anymore in facts they despises me i used to be just like them , but i have changed now i don’t want to wake up in the morning anymore i used to go on stupid diet’s i was on the baby food diet for a week but then it used to make me sick then my parents thought i had a tummy bug i stopped going to school i started to pretended to be sick just so i wouldn’t have to face it i forgot about all my friends they started to be mean to me for about six months and then i told them what was wrong they thought i was kidding at first but they read the websites and soon found i was serious they saw the scars on my wrists and
    then they realized much more was happening i thought i was getting better but i wasn’t , i was getting worse i would cry for no reason and then you all had to say you loved me at the same time the three of you , this broke me more , and more, but after six months of torture from you all i tell one person and they tell me that they will help ,, but they don’t and then somone else promise me but how cAN I TRUST THEM AND THEN THEY ASK can i trust them and then they ask whats wrong well were do i start the relationships that turned me into jealousy you decided to text my best friend nd then my sister she could either risk having kids or die
    , but i don’t care anymore i’m only 15 and i have 3 bottles of red wine a night just because it stops me crying for a while i gett pissed every night now ,but it drowns my sorrow’s

  • mark

    Good day, I wrote earlier about hypnosis for depression and please I might have gone to the wrong person but I will have to wait and see the results. So far please save your money.

  • Paige

    It’s kind of like watching life pass you by in a big blur. I can go hours at a time not realizing what’s going on or just daydreaming. It’s hard to be around anyone, it seems like everyone is moving on and just doesn’t understand anything that’s going on with you. I sometimes feel it’s like looking down at yourself screaming at yourself to just move on and stop being so stupid but you just can’t do it I have a hard time of just breathing. I feel like I want to hold my breath forever just to make it all stop, that’s the easiest way to describe it. My friend doesn’t understand and just thinks that it’s that I’m in a funk as she calls it, what they don’t understand is that it’s bigger than that. If your like me, you try and make sure no one knows about it and that your fine when really it’s just about killing you to yell to tell someone what’s going on in your head. I’ve become reckless in the past few months, i strarted to smoke and i’ll occasionally drink. Not that it helps but its a hard thing to describe. I just feel like I need to do something reckless. Honestly though, it’s a horrible feeling that I wouldn’t wish on anyone.

  • AlexTheDude

    depression-
    is the thing that points in one dark direction, and makes you look.
    it doesn’t always scream, but somehow it always makes you forget
    what light is behind you, and it makes you look in that one direction.
    It’s not always ugly, sometimes it uses bait to get you to do things.
    it offers a glimpse of light, but it’s always tainted and points back
    at itsself, only allowing you respite if it does more harm in the long run.
    Depression is always self destructive, and makes me not trust my own instincts.
    How could I? they’ve very often fucked me over in the long run before…
    It’s not always sad, sometimes it’s just really fucking boring, like nothing
    is at all cool, or fun, or whatever, or anything…
    it’s basically a lack of good, not so much anything by itsself.

  • 21

    You just ‘realise’ that there is nothing to gain- nothing that could make you happy. Even if you were given everything you could ever ask for on a plate, it would not be enough to make you feel like life was more than exhausting. Feeling constantly ungrateful because nothing that anyone could do or say to you makes any difference- you literally cant care.. every kind word or gesture just hurts because you have to pretend that it has made things better…

    you can see, as plain as anything, that things are going to be hard until you die. nothing is so good that it negates the strain of being alive.

    sometimes its not even a bad/sad/painful feeling though, it can just be the acknowledgement that life is too exhausting and you do not want it. You lose the will to change things because even the best possible scenario is still just something that you would have to endure until you could go to sleep, wishing that you would never have to wake up again.

    Perpetual guilt when everyone has tried their best for you

  • Leon

    I have only been suffering from depression for 3 months now. It’s the worst feeling I have ever had. I wish my life could feel normal again. I don’t take joy in the things I used to, music doesn’t interest me anymore, I constantly feel so alone, even when I’m around people. I hate it more than anything. I just wish it could all go away.

  • Tonya

    I felt compelled to add to my statement above concerning my husband’s attempts to pray it away for me – I know Jesus is there for me; it’s during these times I simply don’t feel anything… not even His presence. It’s like feeling like a big blank. (I had to write that to avoid any backlash towards me for incorrect atheist perceptions. The last thing a depressive needs is to feel more of the world against them!)

  • Tonya

    It’s like walking through a fog in slow motion. It returned today at full force. I hate when it comes on, because I strive to put on a better face to keep people at bay. I hate being around people when it gets to this. The effort is enormous. So today, my husband’s trying to give me a pep talk because he thinks I’m letting things get to me. He tries to pray it away. Oh, how that pisses me off more!

    Damnit… no one else understands this… It’s more than feeling sad, it’s a monster holding my hand, covering my eyes so things are not as bright as they should be even in a lighted area or outside for that matter. When I’m sitting still, I don’t think I can move again. It’s the worse, but it’s what I’ve been dealing with for so many years now…

    … and That’s what it feels like to me.

  • Pablo

    I have all of these symptoms. the worst is feeling like i will go insane or die or both because i treasure my mind and how i was prior to these feelings i want to be okay again and be healthy and fall in love again. it all happened after me and my girlfriend of the time broke up i was sad and all but normal still then i started doing weed which didnt do anything until a bad experience i had i was the only one out of those with me ever since then the world isnt the same and what is worst is that i feel that because of it my acne returned i was cleared up had break outs once in awhile but they were okay now its scarring my face casing even more pain but i know i can get thru it and we all can we have to get together and make it known our depression is real and is affecting alot of us lets make it our goal to be free of it and help others!

  • Davis

    I CONSTANTLY FEEL AS IF THERE IS SOMETHING WRONG NOW IT EFFECTS ME WHEN IM OUTSIDE I FEEL LIKE SOMETHING BAD WILL HAPPEN TO ME AT ANY MOMENT WHY DO I FEEL THIS WAY ALL I WANT IS FOR MY LIFE TO BE BACK TO NORMAL THE WAY IT WAS LAST YEAR PLEASE HELP ME I HAVE A SERIOUS PROBLEM WITH THINKING IM MOVING SLOW ALL THE TIME EVEN WHEN I OUTSIDE

  • 15/f/australia

    At a younger age depression felt like a dreary grey feeling one might find in the concept of a certain under stimulating activity – a constant undesirable & outstretched plane of boredom and no reward.
    After a particular traumatic experience with a drug and a panic attack though, now the long-forgotten depression of pre-teenhood had returned mutated with some sick twist of dread and anxiety.
    When I look up anxiety it is described as a kind of stress related to maybe work or school, but anxiety is the only word I can find to describe a panicky fear, like the universe is a twisted realm for unholy, inescapable negativity.
    I often lose sense of this comfortable worldly realm realm and feel like I have to sit upright when I’m lying down to get enough grip to not just slip away into what feels like insanity, or ceasing to exist.
    When I feel awful, I can’t describe what this thing in my mind is. It’s not due to anything happening around me, it is just the sensation of pure torture, a torture that day-to-day emotion is incapable of.
    When I occasionally do feel a sadness rational or explainable by upsetting event in my life, it is a welcome relief sadness to the usual dread I feel without explanation. It is sweet in comparison.
    I know the brain is an evolving organism and I believe it is capable of breaking emotional pathways, I hope it is strong enough to fix itself.
    Please, do everything you can every day to take a step closer to feeling ‘normal’.

    http://endlessvideo.com/watch?v=HMnrl0tmd3k

    http://www.rainymood.com/

    * and do open these two tabs respectfully if your senses haven’t de-sensitised entirely.

  • Charles

    I waw diagnoised with depression9 yrs ago…I was at that time put on medication…I have never gotten too much better….I still feel like no one likes me and people are always starring at me….I have no social life and I lie to keep from doing things with family….I have problems sleeping at night…I have continious bad thoughts, never happy..I look for things to upset people, I want them to feel like me I guess…I think the only one who helps me and loves me is my dog Bojangles….I hate myself most of the time and am saddened due to poor health od my Sister and Brother and worry about them dying….Me, I could care less if I live or die knowing it would hurt my daughter and her my grandson…I really don’t think my wife loves me anymore…Lately I have thought about dying hoping when I go to sleep I wouldn’t awake…..Before depression I was a very outgoing bubbly man who loved family outings, spcial parties, dinner with friends and cookouts with family and friends..Now I don’t want to do anythink…I try to keep busy by doing projects around the house…I am retired and alone most of the time…My wife still works so it’s me and bojangles.

  • Gary

    My depression grips me constantly but seems to come on stronger without warning and almost anything can trigger it. I have an overwhelming feeling of loneliness, even if I’m surrounded by a room full of family and friends. I’ve always struggled with depression in some form but since being cheated on in December by my significant other it has escalated. The feeling of not really wanting to kill myself but rather preferring to not be alive is a consistent thought and feeling. Overwhelming sadness seems to characterize most thought patterns and occupy an inordinate amount of my daily routine. Worst of all is there is no one to reach out to…my significant other is among the least compassionate people I’ve ever known and my embarrassment keeps me from friends.

  • Shawn

    I’ve dealt with depression for most of my life. I’m 30 years old now. At first depression just felt like being alone. There are people around, there are almost always people if you want. But that doesn’t stop you from feeling alone. From feeling different. From feeling inferior. From feeling sad.

    Then came the insomnia and the anxiety as I got older. A constant weight on your chest, your heart and insides twisting, you don’t know why and you can’t make it stop. Life serves as an attempt at distraction…friends, family, school, work, parties, sports, video games, whatever….

    I started to feel disconnected. Things became meaningless. I felt sorry for myself. I wondered often what exactly was wrong with me?

    Now I think about suicide on a daily basis, although I’m numb to the feelings now, it’s part of my everyday life. Most days I cant motivate myself to do anything. It all seems pointless. Nothing seems to help and nothing seems to bring me any lasting happiness. This last bit perhaps worries me the most.

    I keep trying, but am not sure if things will ever really get better.

  • Kim

    I have been suffering for the past few months, 2-3 hours sleep a night , 4 if I am lucky , feel so down , struggling to get out of bed in the morning , what’s the point , I can’t motivate myself to do anything anyway. I used to have a decent job but then I got so frustrated I resigned and now I am unemployed and depressed, I think I was depressed anyway which is why I resigned. Can’t see any way out of my current predicament , this is a living nightmare

  • xyz

    it started from the last 2 years..i went away from my parents after 12 class for higher studies n i got jaundice there due to which i joined my college 1 month later n till then a lot of syllabus was covered. i was just trying to cope with it then my grand mother died due to which i become emotionally weak .i was trying to put my life back on track but then i got food poisioning n the exams were on head .i some how gave my exams n after my exams i went to my parents in vacations.there i fall in love with a guy n we were in a long distance relationship.after the vacations i went to live in a hostel.there i was badly ragged so i left that hostel n went to live in another hostel where my friends were already residing. and after this my hostel life become a peaceful but my relationship was not going that good and we break our relationship.after that i did not feel anything good.i always use to think about him and somehow i managed myself to overcome the pain of broken hearts n started concentrating on my studies after this i got typhoid due to which i missed my college for 2 months n after this nothing was left.my mind stopped working.i was not able to concentrate on anything.i was always feeling sleepy.it was always hard for me to wake up.i was always crying.my heart was taken away from me. my body was not working the way it used to be.due to typhoid i had already missed some of my practical marks.i was completely depressed.there was no hope left.i always feel lonely.n somehow i gave my exams n one of my exam went very very bad.i will not be able to pass in that. n i have to give that in my 3 rd year.now i m supposed to study that but i am not able to.i am not able to start it.i just want to die.i cant live with so many problems.i have no energy level. i dont want to live.i just want to finish all these problems by killing myself .that is the only solution i have .please help me.i beg u .

  • Mel

    oh and another thing that really bothers me is that i cant even talk to people anymore… like nothing makes sense and i cant think… my parents live with me and i should be out of the house by now but i feel as tho i walk by them… i dont even know their there with me everyday. i love my parents but i cant even think of a sentence to say to them. i ask them questions and dont even hear there answer… its driving me crazy i feel like im dead inside

  • Mel

    I feel I have depression or something worse. I need help but feels like i cant find anyone to cure this… my ex cheeted on me a million times and i just now left him… feels like ive got a really bad case of depression but im not up for taking my life. in fact i cant even think enough to do that. people make fun of me all the time at work and everywhere i go. they say im like dora off the movie finding nemo…. like im so dumb and slow. i have nightmares every night. i lose tract of time. im late for everything i do. everything is in slow motion, sometimes i sit in the same spot for hours and think of nothing or just negative stuff and wont even know im still sitting there. every half hour or so ill zone out and my vision goes completely blurry, people can say anything and i wont hear them. and so much more… this has been going on for years now and getting worse

  • BPT

    My worst depression began I’d say about 3 years back. I’m an 18 year old black girl and I’ve felt judged my whole life…by everyone. I fucking hate stereotypes.

    *I will put stereotypical decriptions inside of ” ” just for people to get a picture of what I mean.

    I’m used to attending predominantly white schools and I haven’t live in anything near “the ghetto” since I was about 4. The few black kids in middle school didn’t like me cuz they thought I thought I was better than them and I tried acting “ghetto” and failed miserably at it. I used to care about “being cool” and went through a big name brand “preppy”. The white kids didn’t like me cuz they said I was a poser since I dress “emo/skater”. Even at a young age I always really like goth fashion. I began wearing predominantly black in 9th grade only on “bad” days…until everyday was a “bad day” so I just never stopped.

    My Nigerian born guardians (I don’t like calling them rents, I hate them) are controlling cunts that abused me my whole life both physically and verbally. So was bullied at school and picked on my whole life. Shit 7am til 3pm and then to come home and be hit or screamed at everyday. I was only allowed outside the house once for church on Sundays and once for my churches youth group. I have never been an A student. I’m elemetary school I was a bully and especially tormented this one girl with another boy and no one liked me. I didn’t know how to associate with other kids. I used to be loud until I found my mouth got me in trouble more and more with people. In 10th grade I stopped talking. I got socially awkward and I even hide in bathrooms or walk long ways just to avoid passing people. The end of 9th grade I lost my appetite. Lost 30-35 pounds in 2 months. Developed an eating disorder and my bulimia began on October 27, 2009. I now throw up mostly everyday and have anxiety if I don’t and can’t get out of bed sometimes. I feel sick everyday and get indigestion and skipped school a few times my last 2 years of high school on days I literally was so sick from depression I could not get up.

    Fuck my guardians for fucking up my child hood and me cuz I can never get it back. Fuck them for causing my eating disorders after first teasing me about my weight when I was larger and then after losing weight as a result of the depression mentally abusing me an telling me I was anorexic until I actually became fucked up.

    Fuck the the kids and teachers all through my 12 years of schooling who bullied me cuz I was different and were ignorant bastards. I graduated last month just BARELY passing my lowest class with a 63% and if not I would have failed my senior year.

    I believe in God and that used to be enough. I feel like shit cuz I should trust in him and be an example for others and yet I’m not.

    I am only still alive for 2 reasons:

    1) A British guy of 21 that I met 3 years ago at the beginning of the real depression who I now love but doesn’t seem to like me the same way. He saved my life more than once. The one say I 100% was going to sit in the middle of the road so I could get hit and I can’t cuz I know it would hurt him and I don’t want to hurt him. He has eating issues, has had drug issues, and knows of depression for sure himself. But I have saved and pray I can meet him for the first time in person this summer.

    2) For my younger sister of 17 who is still stuck with my abusive guardians. She has suffered through the worst of the abuse with me. I have to see that she gets out after high school. Also, my younger brother of 4 who will suffer without me. Were close cuz I’m so protective of him and don’t want him to ever have to go through this terrible depression shit.

    If I lose the guy after meeting him and I see that my sis has escaped safely and seems ok I believe I’ll let go.

    But really, just especially fuck all you sick people put there supposed to be called parents that abuse your kids. It’s the worst thing to feel vulnerable and trapped with no way of escape. I can’t ever be content knowing there’s other people in the same situation. People dying from poverty, etc.

    I am 100% sure that this is not a temporary thing. I am forever fucked. I stay down and don’t allow myself to get “up” cuz things always go wrong. The voices in my head that tell me this have always been right. If I let myself even think I got up, WHEN I got down again, I don’t believe there’s a way I’d survive the fall back down to hell. When in all reality, I never left hell, I just allowed the temporary blurriness of my eyesight let myself think I had.

    I’ll end with this thing I saw on this one guys Facebook description before like 2 years ago I never forgot:

    “Don’t hope cuz (blahh forgot this part)
    Wish for the worst cuz that’s why you always get.
    Don’t dream cuz nothing will ever come out of it.”

    I’m so tired. And I always will be. I don’t want “encouragement” and anyone to tell me anything “positive” to TRY “to make me feel better” or even to feel pitied exactly. I just want someone to say hey, dude, I ACTUALLY uderstand and not just SAY it, but to, well,… actually understand.

    Out of all my hours and years of searching for people relatable to me and real accounts etc this is by far the nest I have ever found.

    I pray you all die at least knowing God and in heaven that we may rejoice for getting out of this deep, great, dark, endless, abyss.

    There’s much more I could write but I would never stop so this was long and props if you actually had enough effort to read through it all.

    That is all.

    P.S.
    The best suicide/depression song: Mortal Love – “I Want To Die”. Search it up.

    • Nadia

      Hi, it’s been 4 years since your post but still wanted to reach out to you. I hope you are going ok and I hope things have improved now. I UNDERSTAND you xxxxxxx
      I have been depressed for 10 years now and slowing learning to cope with life’s everyday battle to survive. My family tries to help but like you know doesn’t understand-not even in the slightest. They think I’m just unhappy and don’t get the magnitude of depression. I see a psychologist and I highly recommended it for anyone living with depression. She has taught me to take my life back and take care of myself and choose to have a good or bad day and really take care of my own needs first! I’m probably a lot older than you I’m 42 and have 4 kids two grown and two still young and I always put myself last and ended up wanting to die as my depression was so severe. I battle everyday for my children-so I can see them grown up and I pray to God that they do not suffer depression in their lives. Your depression doesn’t define you, it only Makes you stronger in the end. You are a survivor not a victim and you CAN claim your joy back slowly bit by bit. Would love to hear from you.

  • Amanda

    I feel like I let my anxiety and all of my fears of losing my first love come true. I’ve been going through this for 2 months and 5 days now. I am getting therapy and will be put on meds but I am so scared I don’t love my bf like I use to b/c I let my anxiety consume and trick my heart. All I want to do is love my bf like I use too!! I scared that this is what I might truely feel and it sucks!! :”( I obsessed with rather or not I really loved my bf for a month and it’s gotten worse. I don’t want him to suffer anymore.. I don’t!!! Why does this have to happen to me!! He is my first real love and now I can’t feel love for him in my heart anymore b/c of it!! :”( It’s just not fair that this has to happen. At first it was rather he loves me or not. and after that I thought I was bi/gay for awhile and then it turned into this. He is perfect for me and I don’t wanna loss him b/c of this!!

    I also obsessed that I was in denial as well….

  • Anon

    I often get so frustrated because i feel i have the ability to have a happy life if i wanted to- but because of such a somewhat ‘depressing and unhappy past and present’…i just dont see how my life will change for the better…but in the back of my mind i feel i deserve to be happy,….and not to let others bring me down like they have in the past. It will help me very much once i get the love and support i need into my life, for there is only so much i can handle and deal with on my own!…..

  • Sandy

    Life goes by so fast. When you find out the best way to go about life it is to late. When people around you feel life people you pass on the street. You need help. I need help loving life and the ones closest to me. I always try to do the right thing. In life I feel I fail. I feel lost. Keeping my head up! Going to figure this crazy life out. We all want to feel loved, love back. It starts with me. How do you love yourself? When you dont trust anyone who do you turn to?

  • Angela

    So depressed. Have had insomnia for months. Can barely function. So many thoughts going through my head. It’s a horror story at night. Been to 2 psychiatrists. Tried several meds, all with side effects or bad reactions. Only thing I can take is ativan to help sleep or anxiety but that just increases the depression. Been on it for 2 months so now there will be withdrawal which makes me more depressed and scared as to the outcome of that. Feel so confused at times and disorientated. Can’t smile at my husband or 2 year old daughter. He has to take car of her most of the time. My soul feels dead. This is the lowest of low.

  • Savanna

    I am getting most of these symptoms… THE crying one, I wanted to cry today because my boyfriend was going somewhere I wanted to go and couldnt, I’m always tired and wake up early hours, I work weekends and have work experience for uni in the week so i dont get my own time, noone understands this, i try to talk to people but they say meaningless things back like ‘It’ll be ok’ etc. Ive had suicidal thoughts and spoken to my boyfriend about them who said dont do anything stupid… It seems like welcome relief most of the time, as if nothing else will cheer me up. I hardly smile anymore but do occasionally get times when I’m happy, but that quickly recedes again and i feel down … I dont know what to do, i feel cornered as if no one can help me…

  • Ridmi

    what if i don’t feel anything? i had a guy who cheated me 3 times.. i forgave him.. bt then he left me and then all this started. i have a great lover now. but i feel like i can’t trust anything anymore.. i don’t feel like i’m interested on anything. even when my bf sends me long texts i send him 1 or 2 words. maybe i’ll loose him if i keep being like this. but i can’t help it =( my family is the next problem. they never understand me. they never let me speak about what i feel because they only see faults in me. they’ve never appreciated me and always get pissed with me so badly for whatever i say. so i’ve stopped talking at home. it feels like hell now. i have almost all (90%)the symptoms u have said. i have exams coming up and i can’t study even for 5 minutes =( i try to pretend i’m happy ’cause i don’t want to bother others. but now feels like i’m failing.. what is wrong with me? =(

  • Vickie

    My depression is suffocating me. I am alone in a cold dark place. I see the world in the light but I just cannot reach it. It won’t accept me. I am getting tired of the everyday struggle. I try to pull myself out of this blackness but its like a vacuum is sucking me back down. Sucking the very life from me.

  • A

    I haven’t been depressed for a long time but past 2 months been the worst. I haven’t seen a doctor yet because i am scared of the outcome i have all the signs of depression. I am scared what will happen em i going crazy?

  • Lanre

    Wow! this are the faces of depression, plus add one more to the collection. I never felt like I would ever experience anything like depression, not until I moved back to united states from Canada and my girlfriend for 12yrs broke up with me. I tried to find out what and how it all went wrond but cant seem to find it. I feel like my whole life is a total stuggle each and everyday. Different event that as ocurred in my life as brought me to this state of mind. It feels like I have so ” MANY ROADS” in front of me and dont know which one to take. My life has always been great, everybody would come to me for advice and I would help alot of people out both mentally ad financially. But i need help now, serious help. This is world than having AIDS, the feeling of being lost inside you is one of the worst feelings ever.

  • Twisted

    It started when I was 16. I’ll be 21 on July 20th, and I plan on doing nothing like I have for every birthday as long as I can remember. I’m always on edge, angry at the world for how cruel and sick it is, angry at myself for being able to do nothing, depressed that I can’t do anything, and angry again. I feel worthless even though I have a 4.0+ GPA as a pre-med Senior at a university who also volunteers part time at a hospital. I work so hard, and in the end I’m never satisfied or happy. I used to think that I was sad, angry, unhappy, disappointed, hurt, or felt undeserving because I didn’t do enough to prove my worth to myself and the world. I’ve now done enough to rationally say that I am doing enough at this point in my life. However, I don’t go an hour without thinking my world is going to fall apart at any moment, that my one family member, my mother, won’t be coming home later that evening, that I’ll lose my intelligence if I do something stupid or bad or “waste” my time having fun. I have a 4.0 gpa for a reason. I have done nothing but study since I started college over three years ago. I have lost all of my friends, and my world consists of myself and my work that will lead to nothing but a hopeless future. My mother is the only thing that keeps me from seriously considering death as an immediate escape. It seems like it would be the only escape since I’ve tried everything else. If she were to die tomorrow, I might be soon to follow. Ir at least that’s my thought pattern. If I try to reach out to other people, my heart soars for the short amount of time that I am with them, and I never want them to leave me, because the moment that they do, I hit rock bottom. I used to cope with exercising, and I took up bodybuilding for years…. until I developed severe arthritis (at the age of 20) in my left shoulder, and my lifting career and coping mechanism went up in flames in one moment. I have nothing but my irrationality and crazy thoughts to keep me preoccupied. All I do is think. I don’t know what reality is anymore. All I know is that my heart has been broken for as long as I can remember. I’m scared to reach out to anyone because the moment I get rejected or they leave, my symptoms multiply. I’m scared to reach out because then I’ll fail in school even though I’ve proven, or should have proven, my intelligence to myself by now, and then my future will end up ruined. I think about ending up homeless every day if I screw up once in life. I fear going insane because of the extent of time I’ve been like this in my head. The conversations I strike with people are out there, and I have learned not to talk in public anymore because I can’t be normal. I find myself, in every bad situation, thinking to myself that “the Devil is just messing with me again.” However, this has become far more than spiritual, and is influencing my mental health, and it scares the life out of me when I see myself becoming more twisted as I get older. I have become so abstract that I’ve lost reality. Joy is pain because as soon as it leaves, my heart begs for it to come back. I just stay depressed because at least I won’t crash when I stop being happy. I feel like everything is a vicious cycle and that I need a miracle to break this. I can’t remember my childhood well. I think I’ve suppressed most of my life’s memories. My friends tell me wonderful stories about myself as a child and young teen that I don’t remember. I’ve become such an intellectual, because my only friends are my textbooks, that I now scrutinize myself and am disgusted with how I perceive myself. I have a lot going for me supposedly, yet I see nothing. I’m afraid to break my mother’s heart by saying anything, but what makes me even sadder is I think she knows I’m severely….. something…. depressed possibly. I’ve been in denial, and I think she is too. I need to get help before I ruin my life. I think there is still time to recover and paint a better picture, but first I need someone to help me. I’m finally giving up my pride and admitting it. If I wake up tomorrow with a glimmer of hope, I know it will be gone shortly, and soon I’ll be desperate and riddled with anxiety to survive my life threatening “crisis” and crying at 2 AM in front of my computer with my headphones blaring in my ears like I always do.

  • sin

    ive been depressed since the age of 12/13 im now 24 and recently its becoming worse and suicidal thoughts are entering my head everyday,sometimes im afraid of my partner leavin me on my own incase i go through with it,but i just want this pain and emptiness to leave me and to somehow feel free and thats why i can only see death as the only way out..i feel to sad to live

  • jen

    It feels like a blanket over me mentally/physically/emotionally… all my feelings are just dampened. Just like a thick blanket over everything. My face actually hurts from frowning. I am tired and non-motivated in all ways. No desire for anything. Even though everything is going perfectly fine in my life: I have a very decent secure job, good colleagues,free apartment, wonderful partner… it’s all inside me: something missing that is probably a lack of care or concern or real purpose in my life. Incredible how everything is going fine but somehow I am miserable with a thick blanket lying over all my senses.

  • d

    I’ve been depressed my entire life. The first time I tried to kill myself was at 4 years old. I’m on meds now but I still feel depressed. I used to get excited over things and now they mean nothing to me. I go back and forth between insomnia and hypersomnia. Some days I can’t fall asleep or stay asleep. Other days I can sleep 12+ hours and still feel tired. I feel so worthless. I don’t want to live, but at the same time, I don’t want to die. It’s just that everything would be so much easier… It takes all my strength to get out of bed in the morning. My parents know I’m depressed but they think I’m “just being lazy”. The psychologists have told them countless times that I can’t help being this way. But still my dad keeps telling me that I’m just lazy and the diagnosis by 4 different doctors means nothing because they’re all just hungry for money. I don’t understand – aren’t parents supposed to be supportive? My parents are going to kick me out of the house now because I’m failing out of school. I’m only 16!! My dad says I’m just not applying myself, but I seriously CANNOT focus. I have to leave class to go cry or to get myself to not hit people. Absolutely everything annoys me. I barely ever socialize anymore – I don’t see any point to it – they’re just going to leave later, anyway! Even when I do go with friends I’ll end up having to spend some time alone because I get sad again.

  • Dead Inside

    I wake up to pain, constant and agonizing pains. The pain is a dull and aching pain, right in the center. Right where my heart should be, right where my soul (if i had one) would live. It’s been like this for as long as i can remember. I am 22 and i have ALWAYS, since i can recall feelings and remember events felt dead. When i was young (7 and up) i used to lay in my bed at night and just stare at the ceiling. Thoughts of death and destruction would consume my little mind. I would feel that empty and hollow ache. Sometimes i would cry, sometimes i would pray, sometime i would punch myself in the stomach. (I still do these things.) It’s intense but at the same time its not so bad. Over these grueling years, i have learned to live(if you can call it that) with my disease medication free. I have gotten much worse with age, i feel a hundred years old. Almost as if i am an eternal being left to roam eternity alone. It’s caused many more issues, i have developed a terrible anxiety of everything. Social events? Forget it. I keep myself locked away. Friends? What the hell are those?! Fun? Where have you gone? Or for that matter, will i ever meet you? The only thoughts i have are of my spirit being crushed, my heart being destroyed and with it all of humanity to come crashing down. I feel for others, and i even believe that i have some or empathy powers which aid in my depression. I don’t know who or where i am. Wont someone reach out? I’m here, somewhere.

    • Feelyou

      Hey I know what you mean.. I was apparently a social butterfly as a kid. But adolescence did the worst to me. Now I’m living with severe depression general anxiety and a very severe social anxiety. I’m replying coz I felt like I could relate to you. I’d rather stay in my room all day and not go out coz “ppl will see me”, I don’t make new friends as I know i won’t be able to keep them. Im just tired and frustrated of being hopeless hopeful hopeless again. Just feel like I’m living in a depression loop. Talk to me if you can. I heard you.

  • Tim

    Depression is never feeling like you are worth anything. Never feeling like you can beat the bullies. Depression is feeling like you are not good enough, not smart enough. Depression is feeling like you can never get what you want. Depressio is feeling like no matter how hard you work, it will never pay off. Depression is isolation. Depression is feeling weak, like an animal and never being able to rise above it. Depression is feeling like an outcast, a looser, a loner, a fool, a joke. Depression is feeling like you should have never been born.

  • Steven

    @Charlie : Haha, you seriously hit the nail on the head. No seriously =p

    And it just so happens that the above is one way I deal with depression, sarcasm and cynicism. It doesn’t really work, but I like to think it does =/.

    Anyways. Depression actually makes me feel special and unconquerable at times (no sarcasm there). It’s helped me to be an outwardly, but truly introverted person. I used all that time concentrating blankly and hating myself to make myself into anything I wanted. If I want to have a specific sense of humor, or if I want to be extremely confident, any personality trait… I could make myself believe… honestly believe… and consciously give myself those traits and become that image in my mind(no nothing as shallow as appearances, that’s too easy =p). It’s so powerful and amazing in so many ways. But it comes with it downsides. It caused my depression to become much worse when it’s bad. I mean… much worse. Hyperventilating in the car fully knowing why it’s so bad is a horrible feeling, I can go on, but we all know what it feels like when it’s bad. It caused me to become a shell of a person, someone less than real… someone fabricated; and while no one else knows this (they just see a joyous people person that is usually the life of the conversation), I know it. So that’s how I dealt with it. Oh yea, more downsides. If everything you are projecting and are isn’t real, then your feelings of love aren’t real, your happiness isn’t real… oh but your pain isn’t real either. So you are left with completely fake existence. I’m trying my hardest to crawl out of this vicious cycle, but I have no clue where to start. So while I wish this type of pain on nobody, I will say… it has it’s perks. No light at the end of the tunnel on my post I guess. That’s about it really.

  • Emily

    Agree with many of these. I feel very heavy, and I feel like I have failed at everything I’ve ever touched. (I have an Ivy league undergrad degree, a pretty good masters degree, and a good job at a top company, so I clearly am not the complete idiot I feel like I am.) I also feel *hideously* ugly (I am not.) I once had an isolated episode where I couldn’t get dressed or get out of bed in the morning and all day felt like a heavy hand was pressed down on me keeping me there for about 7 hours. When my boyfriend got off work and came over I easily got up and seemed fine. The next day all my muscles hurt.

    It’s very hard to explain any of this to my boyfriend or others who have not felt it. He is deeply sympathetic but says “I’m sorry you had a bad day.” or “What can I do.” Both totally legit, but they just can’t help and then I feel even more of an idiot.

    But it does pass! And when I feel good it feels so good. . ..

  • Charlie Steffens

    Reading the posts I realize we all have similar symptoms: loneliness, hopelessness, indescribable fatigue, and shame–to list a few. Yet, why is it that depression makes us feel so unique in our despair? I believe that it would love to keep us there. Sometimes I let it swallow me and indulge in my pain. Other times I treat it like a demon that deserves to have its ass beat. I’ve lived with this illness all my life, but I’ve had periods of high-functioning, Spirit-filled bliss. Those periods have become more lengthy as time goes on. The manageability is affected by what I take in from the media, who I associate with, what I eat, how/if I pray and meditate, and how I comply with my doctor’s medication plan. And for me, being a dual diagnosis dude, I cannot drink alcohol, smoke dope, or take anything mind-altering. I often miss that “fix'” because it worked so well to blot out my feelings. Thank God for this website and support groups. WE ARE NOT ALONE. Never give up!

  • Anthony

    It’s hard to understand the world through another person’s eyes. Since a child I have known things were “off”. I was paranoid my parents were imposters and i could not relate to children my own age. Introverted and inadequate in social situations, I still act and think differently. When I realized my dad shared my depressive symptoms (the detachment, aversion to reality, the despair, the incessant negative thoughts, feeling of hopelessness and knowing only hateful negative emotions); I saw how it crippled him into drug abuse (didn’t know it when i was younger but i found out years ago and have to say it explained a lot). I can’t offer any true solution or any one thing that helped me. I only know that i take consolation in the fact that I’m not alone. And I hope anyone feeling at that point (and you know what I mean); that if you think it’s the end to remember you are not alone. And for God’s sake talk to a true confidant, someone who will listen. Be strong, and I wish you happiness.

  • Robin Miller

    This is probably the best site I’ve found to explain what depression feels like. People don’t understand. My family has turned their back on me. I haven’t been able to work in almost a year. I don’t want to go anywhere or do anything or talk to anyone. Been depressed for almost 30 years but it’s taken me over with a vengence.

  • Noname

    This is true. And im only 13. I feel that life is dull and Im sensitive to what everyone says. And i feel like crying all the time. I feel that im unimportant or stupid. People think im calm and smart and all but the reason why i look calm is that i dont know how to react. And why i feel dumb is because everyones better than me.. What should i do??

  • Shawn

    I feel like I have been depressed all of my life
    Nothing I do seems good enough
    My relationship is suffering cause of bedroom problems been checked out by doctors and they say everything normal so I guess it’s mental my grandfather was abusive to me my mom too she has been in depressed and been in the hospital
    I have been severely depressed when I was a teen many of times first I wrote alot to try to help my feelings cried alot everybody says I will get over it or you selfish for thinking of sucide my fiancee is probaly going to leave me cause of problems in bed tried to boost my esteem but was told that when I thought it was good it wasn’t or just ok couple of months ago I went as far as to have a knife in my hand to kill myself
    Life is not worth it and I truly feel I better of dead
    This time I have not cried of yet have trouble expressing my feelings and when I do I am told that I am making excuses or not depressed when I am happy I think I am fooling myself

    Had a dream last night and it felt of death
    The past few days even before the latest problem with my fiancee I have had depressing thoughts for no reason at all

    So I am just resolving myself to the fact that I am going to end it

    It’s not that I am writing this to make people feel bad but for them to understand

  • Joel

    Hi im 17 and feel like ive lost my way. I used to a happy, funny guy who made others laugh and be happy. Now …i dont know if im depressed but for the past year the Close friends i used to hav say “hey” and nothing more , nothing feels the same anymore. I think it might have been because i was maturing quicker then a lot of ppl and i lost that happiness you get from ur friends. Now i just feel alone and sad pretty much sad all the time and find it very difficult to talk to anyone. I get this weird satisfaction from sitting down in the shower . As the heavy droplets of water shut out all other noises around me, i start to think about weird ways in which ppl would lend me a hand, so lets say my parents died in a car crash tomorrow night, then maybe someone would help me out and that makes start to cry .
    All the little things seem to become a chore and i feel very weighed down. Sometimes i think i feel physically sick because of stress and the way i feel at the mtm. I rarely remember yesterday or what happened last week. I want to run, i want to swim and i want to love but something is stopping me. Is it me? I was bullied as a youngster and i think that made me extremely shy and now im scared to be myself around others
    The many other comments on here make me think my life isnt so bad… i just need to change my lifestyle. I think depression is partly a choice of neglecting what you want in life what you want to become and not talking to the ones that love you on how u feel.
    Im not going to let it get to the point where there is no one at all. Sometimes i like to be alone but to be left alone is a completely different story. I hope people can relate to this and helps someone feeling l ike me 😀

  • Johnathon

    I feel like a hole opens inside my chest when I become depressed. It feels as if everything that matters to me gets sucked into it. It eats away at all the good inside. I cry over silly little things and I become angry with my friends/family easily. I don’t know what causes it…I need help….

  • Martin

    It is humbling to see so much pain described in the comments here.

    Jem, I feel ashamed to follow your post with my own description. But I don’t know what I can say to you that won’t sound like a useless platitude. Somehow though you’ve got to try to hang in there and get some help.

    I guess depression feels different for all of us. I suppose that is inevitable given the type of illness it is. Although we may all have some kind of chemical imbalance, the way it manifests itself presumably depends on both the severity and type of that imbalance plus the stuff you have in your head that gets affected by it.

    I identify 2 main types of feeling associated with depression.

    The first is when my depression was in an acute untreated phase. I was unresponsive, not interested in anything (even my child), couldn’t smile, couldn’t laugh etc. But most vivid, was a feeling that a great weight was pressing down on me, as if I were deep under water or subject to an especially powerful gravitaional force. I remember thinking that the “press” in depression aptly described this.

    The second feeling is an ongoing one. This is the feeling I have had since I’ve been on SSRIs and the acute phase has gone. This feeling is one of ‘other-worldliness’, as if it’s not quite the right version of me who inhabits my body these days. It’s like I’m a clone of myself but with some slight genetic defect that makes me just a flat and emotionless person.

    I guess I prefer the clone to the severely depressed version. But I’d rather just have the slighly melancholy me who existed before.

  • Jem

    This may not make sense.

    But this state of depression, i cant seem to form sentances properly. but who cares, this is me rambling. It doesnt matter nothing does.
    they say to get better requires time and patience.

    but who can hold on this long?

    i do not feel anything, yet i feel everything, this makes no sense and i cant get my head round it.

    my body is wornout, it does not want to fight anymore.

    I have tried to end this before, but do not know why i didnt succeed.

    the voices taunt me each and every moment, they dont let me sleep, this is punishment, but for what?

    i use to want it to stop, but now i do not want for anything.

    NUMB.

    Im weak.

    If anyone can give me a reason, just one to carry on through this i beg you please do.

    each moment that passes, makes the end seem so much more inviting.

  • Robert

    ive noticed that change makes a big difference and its the main thing i notice
    I HATE change
    I cant take it and i think its why i cant/dont wanto get over my gf

  • Robert

    Uhhh wtf is wrong with me… Being happy makes me want to kill myself…
    I just do things that make me sad so i can feel normal… But now i just feel numb… This happened after my gf broke up with me… And its been weeks and i should be over her but i cant get over her for some reason, ive come really close to killing myself whenever we have texting fights and she wont talk to me until i just want to be friends
    U just wanna be emo and curl up in my closet and die
    Or just shoot myself…
    Everything happy makes me feel panicked and horrible, like daylight and nture especialy
    Help ._.

  • Chris

    Today, 7th June 2011 is the day that I realise I’m suffering from depression, I have not felt my normal self for 3 years, I used to be a bubbly lively young woman who felt she was unforgetable and leaves a mark on everyone I met. I now feel so insignificant and don’t even know how to find that person anymore. I’m stuck in a job I hate and sit next to a boss who I have to pretend I like (she’s 7 years younger than me and very inexperienced). Sometimes, it takes me an hour to get up in the morning, I don’t have to get up till .30am, but set my alarm for 5.30am as it is a solid hour’s struggle for me to wake up and start the day. I start things I can’t finish, I ignore phone calls, I promise to call people but never do and always use my stressful work life as an excuse, I have not had a successful relationship in about 8 years and now, people interested in me end up irritating me, I have even started telling guys, I feel dead inside and incapable of making anyone happy. I lost 8 stone last year because I wanted to fell better about myself, but still don’t. I started smoking on 22nd April this year just to block it all out, sometimes it helps, sometimes it makes it all worse, I’m not eating properly and constantly taking laxatives, I have cut off all my friends and family and a whole month can pass witout me calling anyone, sometimes, I go in my room on a Friday and do’t come out tilll Monday morning and my flatmate often says he’s worried about me. Nothing excites me or give me pleasure, not even the nrightest of days and I stopped feeling the need to rejoice with other people even when good things happen to them. I suffer from headaches and it’s all a blur, I sometimes feel as if I’m a third party to my own life and really not feeling the things I’m feeling, clothes used to give me so much pleasure, I have loads of new clothes that I do not even have any interested in wearing. I used to be so passionate about cooking but have not done so in about 18 months, I constantly cancel meetings and outings and dates under one excuse or the other, I stopped going to church and only visit my best friend when she starts ringging me endlessly, I do not even know where to turn for help as I have heard anti depressants have bad side effects…

  • Arron

    I feel like I’m not me anymore. Like everything i see is not real- or too real and I’m fake. i keep wondering about how i used to be. my brain is so tired, i cant remember anything, i cant think properly. i keep thinking what is the point of staying alive if i am going to feel like this. i am anxiouse and worried all the time, because i dont feel right. i hate seeing my friends, i try to keep up with their conversations but my mind wonders off. im scared. i feel all alone. i feel sad and scared and nothing else. the world is dull and coudy, i can only analize it soo much, its like tripping on a drug i dont want to be on. but i keep telling myself im strong, i will get through this, i promise, everyone, we’ll do this together, just know im there with you

  • Julie cullabine

    How do you no it is depression,i started having these awfull feelings 2yrs ago i burn up for a few seconds i dont no where i am and theres something in my head a thought or feeling carnt grasp what it is tho.This lasts for a few hours then im left feeling awful for days,then it goes away for awhile but it always comes back.Iv had a mri scan that came back fine nothing helps,im sick to death of feeling like this,im 50yrs old and have no quality of life.

  • Jouko

    About a year ago my depression started to kick in. I noticed the first signs when I was going on a holiday with my girlfriend. Even the my work had just ended and are holiday was starting to begin, I didnt feel happy. This strange emptiness took over me.

    It always went away for a while, but still kept coming back. In the next following months things really went downhill. Nothing seemed to interest me, I was droppin out in my school work And I started isolating myself. In november I got the diagnosis of a clinical depression. I started the Anti-Depressants and counseling. Now after almost a year from that, things are really starting to brighten up! I just want to write this, because I know that when a person is consumed by the darkness of depression, this can look REALLY hopeless. Well, there is hope! Medicine, counseling. Those were a big help for me, but I dont know how I would have kept on going, if I didnt have a faith in Jesus!

    One of the things that kept me going was realizing that, He has gone through the same darkness! All the darkness a I Saw in myself was paid in The cross! Please remember that!

    He says to you all: “Come unto me, all ye that labour and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you, and learn of me; for I am meek and lowly in heart: and ye shall find rest unto your souls. For my yoke is easy, and my burden is light.” Matt. 11:28-30

  • Lisa

    I feel so sorry for all the individuals who have expressed themselves so honestly and openly on this site about how depression makes them feel. I can relate to every individual’s post. I have been coping with clinical anxiety and depression for what seems like forever, however, I was professionally diagnosed 13years ago and have been taking medication since then.

    It continues to be a day to day struggle even on the medication, but each year that passes, I can see a cumulative positive effect.

    Please don’t give up. My mother had electro-shock therapy when she was pregnant with me. Please don’t give up. We are truly the unsung-heroes who press forward every day.

  • Jeff

    After reading many posts here, I feel in shock.. I know I have issues I have to go to the doctor, psychologist.. blah blah list goes on. I have many of the listed symptoms for depression and have felt this way for about 4-5 years now. It’s getting so bad, every time I look in the mirror I can tell all my problems are having a negative impact on not only my actions but also my appearance. I have been told by many I am handsome or cute, and now I just see the despair in my eyes and facial features. I hope everyone here seeks help, I know I eventually will go to get help. Like many people said here, just remember that life is beautiful, and so are you. You are #1.

  • madeleen

    When I look back over my life, I can’t really remember when it started. It comes in phases. There’s this dark phase and then there’s a phase that’s not so dark but never a phase where there’s no darkness. I feel not part of this world. Blunt even. I hurt so much on the inside although nothing in particular happened on the outside. Something is wrong but I can’t ever seem to place it. When the darker phases pass I tell myself that I’m only imagining myself. Still this depression is truthfull to its owner and always returns. I really feel sorry for the people living with me for I’m making life so dificult for them.

  • Eli

    every morning when i wake the first words out of my mouth, involuntarily,are “i hate my life” its just so weird, i cant control it. i never was a happy child and slowly after about 10 years old my depression started and has gotten worse sometimes going up and down peaking in 8th grade and now in my 4th year of college for no real reason. i feel selfish and stupid. i hate myself and i feel like i hate everyone sometimes. ive had a few glimpses of what happy feels like some years back and knowing it makes the depression so much worse. its like if u were starving and they gave u a lick of some food then took it away for ever. it makes ur stomach growl harder and makes it feel emptier. it makes ur whole life feel emptier. i feel pathetic, i cant do anything right, i dont even know how i passed any class in college, my grades are definitely getting worse, im failing school and life. im a failure i feel like im giving up everything, i dont want to do anything i just want to fade out into nothing. i feel so close to nothing already anyways, why cant i just disappear into it?

  • Ali

    Depression feels like I am on the outside looking in at myself. It is very empty. Crying over everything. Feeling antisocial and not wanting to leave the house or answer the phone.

  • Danielle

    Depression is horrible. You feel like no one understands you, you are alienated and alone. You don’t hold any importance to yourself, you feel like everythign would be better if you weren’t there. I’m only 15 and I have mild depression (HA meaning not manic. but horrible enough to have to make me want to scream myself to sleep everynight.) and anxiety, as well as a panic disorder. I’m on zoloft as well as abilify, because my depression is wrapping around me securely, unwilling to let me live my life. I’ve lost faith in life so, so early on. It makes you feel so extremely alone. I can’t even sleep at night, I wake up so many times. I can write forever about how my hyperventilating feels like I’m going to die right then and there and how depression has slowly killed me inside. And how my anxiety makes me want to scream everyday. But reading all of this… it makes me feel less alone and thank you so much for the person who posted this. We aren’t alone. It’s comforting.

  • Heather

    I just found this page while doing research about my possible depression. In reading the information you have provided … a real life description of depression, I am happy that I decided to speak with my doctor and we are looking for a psychiatrist that we can work with.

  • Destiny

    It actually physically hurts!
    Its hard to explain, it feels like a constant pain in my chest,it never goes away its always hurting. Sometimes its less when things are good and that makes me feel hopeful, but its always there and is extremely painful. The pain is the same pain you feel when someone you love dies, like a throbbing pain in the chest.I fight the sadness I fight really hard because most of all I just want to be normal and I’m very good at hiding it but its always there.

  • jenessa

    I take met for depression for 5 year.but now my deresion chage. to anger sometime i cut my self. and it make me feel good sometime i dont now why and i dont care? why care why speak why think ,why live and why love.and sometime i feel like cuting my boy friend becauese he dont care and he dont on thersten me.

  • Kay

    Depression seems never-ending. I’m 38 and diagnosed with manic depression and borderline personality. Being medicated seems to make things easier but not better. I still have to put a face on every day for my kids and husband and it gets harder everyday. A hole of nothing,lazy,numb,worthless and empty are my normal feelings. I just want things to be over sometimes. Final, the end, to disappear….but that can’t be because who would take care of my family? So lost in this world, truly blind.

  • nuku

    this is so helpful i have been searching on the web for 3 yrs for information about how i feel and why i have been feeling this way and this is the most accurate and to the point description.

  • Jonathan

    When I try to think, it feels like I’m not thinking at all. It just seems like I’m staring off into space..completely blank. I don’t know what to do anymore. It feels like I have so much going on all around me…college..job..piano practice..reading books..everything. WHen my parents talk to me in the morning about what I want to eat..I feel so intruded, they don’t give me space to think in the morning..I’m already bombarded with questions and orders. I want to be gone.

  • Franky

    it feels like every aspect of my life is WRONG nothing was ‘the way it should be’
    i cant concentrate on my University work, i was an A grade student now a simple essay takes me days to complete. i find it hard to show affection and love or anyyy sort of kindness to my boyfriend of 3 years. i cry when im alone and have to leve the room when people are around because my tears are now uncontrolable. i want people to stop talking to me and the best place to be is in bed under the covers away from the world. im alone in my head and nobody understands even if i did try to explain. my boyfirend is very down seeing me this way and says i should get help and talk to someone but i feel like if i open up to a total stranger ill cry and i dont think il be able to stop crying. the future looks blak and every morning i wish i hadnt woken up. i cant eat or sleep and weight loss is huge. i wish i could hit stop and the world round me would disappear so i was alone and could cry loudly and nobody could see.
    when will i get better and when wil i enjoy sunny days and sing to music and show love o those around me.

  • Jake

    i dont know any of you and i feel connected to all of you i feel your pain,i search for answers every day, i end up back where i started, feeling like crap, always tired, no reason to do anything. sports were my outlet when i was a kid, now i have nothing. drinking last for the night then i feel ten times worse the next day, I pray to God that he takes me in my sleep. yet when anxiety sets in a fear death. i cant remember the last time i laughed so hard i cryed, all people do is talk crap on other people, i dont like making small talk i want to know everyones feelings on life and its purpose. jumping back n forth from tv shows n the internet to entertain me for a little while, i miss losing myself in the moment, i think too much now about death. i want jesus to come to me in a dream but, he doesnt. i daze off in my mind trying to picture what it will be like the minute after i take my last breath on earth. i freak out for the second i find it and try to not go there. even though its inevitable. were all gonna die soon, now or 70 years from now it will come, i wish people would connect with me when i talk about death but they just seem to ignore it. when you think about life, i mean the entire world and everything that goes on or has already happened, its Freakin nuts, people killing each other, whats the point of killing when death will find you anyways, no point in hatred, its all too short, i wouldnt change who i am for the world and you should all feel the same, why? because were not alone, all i can say is have patience, find love, keep on fightin, help someone out when you can, and have a little faith.

  • C

    To everyone, I am so sorry for all your suffering. I was looking up depression for a family member who is showing signs and I came upon this site. Also my dad suffered from severe depression and I had post natal depression after my son. Depression is absolutely horrible and so hard for others to appreciate. I know many of you will feel so alone. I will remember you all in my prayers. Also has anyone read a book called food and mood because finding foods which may trigger low feelings and cutting back on them can really help. Again I really feel for you all. God bless

  • VincentPeter

    There are multiple reminders of how badly you failed in life in regards to love, financial decisions and plain ol stupid. Investments. These instances are shown to us in our friends & families successes, and of course all over cinema and commercials — I should have been that guy or had that at another age. Feels like that a lot. And me, a master of acceptance and happy in my lot. Having serenity with the peace of my honsty and humility. Depression takes that all away and I want what I can’t have now and don’t want to wait.

  • Molly

    My only friend now is my dog. At least, she’s the only person I trust. She can’t talk back and at times it feels like she emphathizes with me, even though I know she only is trying to make me feel better in the way that only an animal can. Thank God for dogs.

    I wonder why my parents had a child like me who does nothing but take up space. If i wasn’t working two jobs I would sleep all day but even so I am still angry when I wake up and my mood doesn’t lift with the sun rising. When the sun DOES shine I am angry because I like rainy days better, they suit my moods.

    Since I wrote the first time in November of last year, I can safely say that what began in July of 2010 has continued without pause(there are times when I am ‘passingly happy’ but they only last for a few days at best. Its just been one dissapointment after another. My friends no longer bother with me,and I have started to fantasize about my own death. Last month I found myself at a ‘friends’ house going through the knives in the kitchen. Selected one and started slipping the blade between my fingers with my wrist facing up, and dared myself to miss. I am afraid to touch knives now, but every time I have to pick one up to cut food I always wonder what’s stopping me.

    My parents think I have a bad attitude and my mother is constantly screaming at me because I don’t like waking up and I stay awake at night to avoid having nightmares. I feel so lazy even though I have only one day a week to myself and most of my time is spent making other people happy. I threw away all my bright clothes, no point in wearing something that’s a lie.

    So sick of this. Everything I do seems to blow up in my face and I feel even uglier and even shittier and I just want my life to stop just being this….this…….carousel of anger and self hatred and regret and remorse.

  • Andrew

    I look forward but cannot see
    i realise but cannot feel
    i stop and stare but cannot not think
    I cry but feel numb
    I can move but feel trapped
    I need but cannot have
    I want to die but i’m scared
    I want to feel loved and happiness
    I don’t want to feel alone

  • LM

    Reading these comments, I realise I too am not alone. I’ve moved to a different country, a hotter place, were the sun and “fun” is, but I find myself even more depressed. I used to take Anti-depressants a year and a half ago but that just made me feel worse. Now I feel like how I used to feel when I took them. I’m always upset- even though I try to hide it with the mask I wear, and yet everyone seems to ask me “What’s wrong?”. I can’t even tell them because sometimes I don’t even know what’s wrong and some people don’t even believe me when I say that. I’m tired all the time, my heart aches all the time, I pretty much think to myself “When is it my time?”. Used to cut myself in the past but now I just rely on cigarettes and I’ve been smoking much more than I usually do. When I do tell certain people what’s wrong, they tell me “there are worse things out there than depression like cancer, losing someone, becoming homeless etc” and I totally agree but they don’t know what this pain feels like. I just wish it would die rather than me wishing I would. My boyfriend feels like I can’t open up to him but I don’t want to reflect my emotions on him because he’s always so happy and I wish I can feels happy again like how I used to. I want to stop crying, stop the aching and live life to the fullest and be grateful for the life I have. Having read that people do overcome this feeling, I hope the grey clouds above my head do actually disappear and I can start living again. Hopefully, I pray that it does & when that day comes, I will put up a post agreeing with some of the others that said their lives have changed for the good…For now, I just have to learn how to beat this before it deteriorates… Good Luck to you all (and to me) that haven’t beaten this yet…

  • yoyo

    It’s like I am living ma life but Iam not the heroine of it, Iam just a spectator. Most of time I fell like I am not me any more, I was frozen in a certain age, a certain moment,Not capable any more of accepting anything at all whether its good or bad. The most irritating is to fake all that infront of my family and freinds just to prove that am not weak, or depressed, I keep telling maself Iam gonna pass it, it ‘s okay, But day after day I found myself in much bad status. I don’t know what to do and I don’t even want to talk about it with anyone .

  • Javy

    I’ve been a diagnosed with depression late after it happened to me. I just thought I was just thorough good planner to deal with trying to avoid “what if this happens” to have a happy life. It was the perfection side of me to try and plan my life with my wife and family. Pessimism was a byproduct of it. It was actually depression hidden within me. I had my first serious episode almost six years ago now, and since then a series of ups and downs. For years, I fought IT off by trying to “decide to be happy”. I had a very good life with everything I needed and wanted. I delved into religion, faith, and finally treatment, again. Late last summer, I crashed and burned. It was my deepest and lowest. I had ALL the symptoms that are posted at the top of this. The words do not do the feelings of depression justice. The descriptions are SO inadequate to the extent of the extreme damaging and pervasive negativity and black hole depression nature. My family and marriage has been damaged by this disease, perhaps beyond repair. I would like to add that the author should include, how oppressive and STRONG the feelings of wanting to “die”, “sleep”, “go away” are. The urge of that feeling is SO unnatural and so overwhelming I understand why people do commit suicide. I almost did it. A second suggestion is the complete lack of feelings, any feelings, other than despair. I felt non-human. I told myself “make it through today”, “tomorrow will be better”, and “don’t quit” over and over. I can relate to everyone’s comments on here. I just want it to end – the depression. I have been getting better. I have hope where before I had none.

  • JeN

    I tell friends/family that depression always feels like sitting on a beach in the shadow of a huge tidal wave that you know with absolute certainty is GOING to crash over you and drown you in a wake of dread. You just don’t know when.

    That’s how it is for me at least-the depressive episodes I have are filled with darkness, dread, and all I want to do is sleep CONSTANTLY. I sleep for 12-14 hours, and when I’m awake I still feel like my brain activity is in stasis. I’ve been on Zoloft 250mg for a LONG time. I’ve tried every type of anti-depressant on the market-herbal therapies-acupuncture-aromatherapy-you name it. Some days I just can’t get out of bed. Do people around me understand? No-I’ve tried explaining it to my family/friends, but it’s impossible. The stigma of having depression is something I also live with. Doctors/professors/boyfriends/girlfriends all treat me with a certain indignation (no I don’t have a persecution complex). I’ve been trying for years to develop more energy/positive thinking, but then I sleep for 14 hours-I know what it’s like to feel like you’re watching life through the window panes. The seasons change-people come and go, but nothing changes inside of you. It’s always desolate-black as pitch-and nothing seems important no matter how hard you try to experience positive emotion- anything but sadness and regret.

  • Rachel

    Depression, is like emptiness. You feel the build up of pain in your chest, tears choking you and stinging your eyes constantly. You cant recall the last time you smiled, photos of you look empty, you don’t recognize yourself. You dread sleeping because you’ll wake up to another lonely day. You can’t sleep without the tv on because the overthinking that goes on in silence will kill you. You want to cry but can’t seem to because you’re out of tears.

  • Burritoasesino

    I’m not sure if is depression but I feel as if you were living two realities, one in my head and the real one, the problem is that in my head all seems so real and so well that when I see the reality of things, nothing makes sense, I get very confused during the day and I can not do anything about it, I try to distract myself but does not work for long, spend more time looking for the solutions in my thoughts and try to draw conclusions that ultimately are unhelpful because nobody sees what I see, or think what i think and in fact not even I talk to anyone about my thoughts and ideas, when someone asks, i prefer to say that is all right or everything’s fine l, I think a lot on the people reaxion if i commit suicide. I would see as a coward? will blame themselves? could anyone miss me? are things I ask myself from time to time …. but well just a thought that good and goes … this is how I feel these days…. but i know that life it’s made of up’s and down’s.

  • Zara

    THe thing for me is, I know I suffer from depression but I don’t know how to tell my parents and the worse part is I can feel them getting suspicious. It feels terrible being depress and the social withdrawal part hurts te most because ever since his started I haven’t had a bestfriend beside me and most of my friends seem very unpermenant to me. So I spend alot of my time at home wishing I was liked more even though I’m not a bad person at all although I do suffer from alot of irritability. One moment I’m sharing a laugh with my mom, the next I’m screaming at her and we are having a heated argent and my mom always says I am looking for an argument not just having one.

  • Reconcile

    Steadily watching peices of my mind float away into nothingness. I’m losing myself and i cant seem to stop it. (or care) Time passes to quickly for my heart to be aware of the pain thats being inflicted. Its like Paralysis of the soul. At the point of depression, you no longer have control over your own emotions. Im trapped in this empy space which used to be filled with love and positive thoughts. Remnants of what was my mind…

  • Donnell

    I had years of acute anxiety and depression which descended on me like a raptor many years ago. This episode drove me into my head where I tried to ‘think’ my way through and just got more deeply stuck in the mire of my own psyche. Since then, I no longer see evidence for any god, purpose in life, afterlife, or meaning for my own life.

    Existence just appears to be a Darwinian ‘bloodbath’ everywhere I look. I curl up like a wilted bud every time I see the assault of mankind on the environment, and am particularly sensitive to the endless suffering of animals. I want there one day to dawn a perspective whereby I say, “ah! now I see the reason for suffering and where this is going.” However, perspective never comes. Life just seems like a minefield where the goal of every day is to walk carefully and not get blown up.

  • Floater

    Floating out at sea, alone, with nothingness surrounding you. It calls to you from below, reaching up a long tentacle to pull you beneath the waves. You kick and struggle savoring each gasp of breath only to be pulled down again, this time deeper. He has his friends anxiety and addiction with him this time and you know the battle upward is going to be killer this time. But, if you don’t fight, they’ll torture you eternally down below, in the hell where there is no air, is no breath. So you fight, struggle, kick and scream your way to the surface… to float along again in the empty nothingness, more peaceful than hell but still alone. Without joy, without purpose, simply waiting for the occasional rays of sun that grace your existence, fearful constantly of the beast below that will inevitably drag you under again.

  • Neil

    I feel like my chest is a giant and overflowing well of sadness. Sometimes the sadness just pours out and I can’t control it. When I go out, I try to keep a lid on it, but when I’m alone all that built up misery comes gushing out like a waterfall.

    All the people I know seem to have found love, intimacy, and happiness, all the things that I lack. I’m envious but I don’t with that they were miserable, like me. I just wish that I could be happy too. But somewhere along the line, I stopped believing good things were going to happen to me. I used to think happiness was on the horizon, but now life seems like a long and dark road.

  • Amber

    For Me Depression Feels Like A Big Black Hole. I Feel Like Im Trying So Hard To Resist Gravity(The Feeling Of Hopelessness) But Then Have Days When I Think Maybe Its Best To Just Let Go.I Used To Be Happy And Full Of Life.. Then Everything Changed To What Is Now ‘Normal’ To Me. Little Things Like Getting Out Of Bed , Completing Simple Tasks (Like Booking A Dr’s Appointment) Just Seem So Hard To Do , And Usually Take A Few Weeks If Not More To Be Able To Do It.Depression Is Frustrating, I Look At Other People Who Just Do Things Without Any Struggle And Thats Normality To Them, They Dont Even Think Twice. Thats How I Used To Be And Thats The Frustrating Thing.. You Feel Like There’s No Getting Better And No Hope.

  • J

    Nausea, lethargy and indecisiveness. My mind is full of doubts and I don’t even know my own opinions or feelings any more. I’m constantly tired and feeling like I’m not getting enough air, as though my body is just scraping by in a state of limbo. I don’t have any energy and people simply irritate me, leaving me feeling terrible for being annoyed even by people like my family doing small, loving gestures and trying to greet me with a kiss on the cheek. The only real feelings I know are fear, doubt, panic, apathy and anger and I find myself snapping back and forth, shouting the odds at my boyfriend for calling me grumpy, which isn’t helped by the fact that I feel like I don’t love him any more even though he is such a lovely person. I feel like every breath is a chore, every bit of my routine only exists because it must be done. I’ve lost all enjoyment in my previous hobbies and my smiles and interactions with others feel strained and forced and I’m irritated at being put into situations in which I must act as though I am actually interested in what anyone has to say to me. It’s all a chore.

  • nicole

    I think I am suffering with depression. Over the yr I’ve been kicked out of two homes, saw my mom go thru depression, finally found a place with my significant other and I felt happy for oh a month and a.half. I loved cooking and cleaning but I neeeeeed to find work for rent and I keep getting turned down. All of a sudden cooking cleaning and sitting around started to get old. I woke up one morning with muscle pains and back aches thinking I was getting the flu. For 3 weeks this is what I’ve been feeling exactly:

    Fatigue.
    sleeping 12 hours/hard to get up in the morning.
    hard to go to sleep at night cuz I feel like I’m dying.
    headaches.
    body aches.
    dizziness/blurred vision.
    less sexual.
    angry.
    feeling that I’m a walking dead person going thru this foggy world.
    anxiety attacks & hyperventilation/er Visits.
    starting to think I have a million diseases because of the way I feel..cancer..brain tumors etc.
    I use to love going to do things and don’t get me wrong I still want to but I have no energy to even do it.
    I feel like I’m carrying around weights on parts of my body so its easier to sit on the couch.
    loss of appetite..nothing sounds/tastes good.
    keep going back to past things when I felt energetic and happy and cry.
    I read the symptoms above and cried.

    Went to a doc but didn’t tell her all these things because it never crossed my mind it was depression until my partner opened my eyes. So all I got from the doc was pain killers for my back and I was told I have a sinus infection and anxiety.

    Can I be depressed? I need answers asap. Nothing seems right. I don’t feel human.

  • Mina

    For me, its just a state of being. I feel flat, more than sad. Like I’m alive, but not living. Sometimes I find myself sitting on the couch, staring into thin air and wondering why on earth I’m even alive. Being Catholic, I’ve never attempted to kill myself, but the temptation is there. I feel the need to just let go of it all. I have a void space, I actually feel it. And while I loathe others feeling pity for me, there is nothing I’d like more than to be looked after properly. Its like this… hm… virus, eating away at my joy bit by bit. Killing my desire for social activity, art, learning, my compassion. Everything is going. I just have to make sure it doesn’t eat up hope, ey?

  • Sue Gouvion

    My heart goes out to all the depression sufferers and I know it is real suffering! What helped me was getting on meds. and seeing a Psychiatrist weekly. It is a long road and there are relapses but my faith helped also.

  • kattie

    I have two or three of those except I feel like I’m gonna die then I almost have panic attacks. That JUST started happening. I used to love driving now I don’t if I think about getting put to sleep ay the doctor I think ill die and freak out. I feel like this is all a dream an that I’m really in a mental hospital. I don’t like even being a passenger in a long car ride because I’ll freak out. Worst of all, I may be pregnant which can hurt the baby from all the stress about freaking out.

  • john mann

    I have been suffering from depression for almost exactly 10 years. I can almost remember the day when it started, but back then it was like a tiny snowball that you could fit into your hand. 10 years on it has snowballed into a monster that destroys everything in it’s path. For the last three years i have been relatively positive about myself, after reaching rock bottom in 2007 when i attempted suicide. But now i feel the suicidal depression slowly creeping back in, (hence the reason i am visiting this site) and it scares me beyond contemplation. There will be many people on this site who will also have experienced suicidal depression, and i do not have to tell them how painful an experience it is. I was actively suicidal for about 1 year, and it has left a legacy from which i will never recover. Explaining to people why that is has proved very difficult.
    Today i feel so empty inside. My girlfriend of 8 years has all but left me, i have no money (because i can’t/will not work due to crippling OCD) and the excitement i once got out of life seems to have disappeared forever. I love drinking and going out to bars and clubs, but even this is no longer enough to fill the void inside. There is so much that i have lost that i will never be able to get back, but the thing that keeps me going is the thought of getting back with my girl. I will soldier on in the blind hope that tomorrow will be a better day. Maximum respect to all those out there (on here) who suffer on a daily basis but keep on soldiering on. Peace.

  • serene

    I dont know whether I am suffering from depression or just going through life’s low phase.
    I was a smart and intelligent girl. Thought I will really do something in life. I dont do drugs, drink or smoke.
    But these days i feel so lonely, sad, useless, and exhausted. I feel bad to ask money from my parents. I will be 27 soon and have never worked in any organization though i have completed degree courses in hotel management and BBA.
    My parents live abroad and I always looked after my siblings and relatives back home. Now that my siblings have grown up and have a life of their own, I feel lost.
    I feel guilty if I do things which my parents disapprove of. I am always thinking of how hard my parents have to work in order to provide for us. My siblings dont think of this and they do what they want, which ultimately hurts my parents and me.
    Sometimes i feel like committing suicide but then I stop myself just thinking as what it will do to my parents.
    I was a very smart and intelligent girl but now I feel i will never land myself a job. I will never enjoy life and when I think something good for myself I feel guilty and selfish, so most of the time even if I am feeling ill, tired or simply exhausted I make sure the other people around me are ok. I want to make everyone happy so that I dont feel guilty. I am confused and dont know as what to do with my life. I am interested in stuffs like going green, organic, spa, recycling but then I dont know where and how to start. I want to cry but I stop it as I dont want to upset people around me.
    I am going around with a guy who is 3 years younger than me. I feel irritated and angry to be around him. I feel he does not understand as what I want to say. but nowadays I try and keep myself calm so that he is not hurt by my out brusts.
    I feel suffocated, sad, and frustrated. I dont know who I am or what I want anymore. Its just that I am living and try and project myself that I am very happy and lucky to people.

  • angie

    well unfortunatley my depression has returned after 2 good years of being happy and feeling good about myself 🙁 . im on deployment again and well i think the loneliness is what slowly killed me inside… it constantly feels like a black cloud and everything around me is a gray haze.. all these thoughts are just swirling around in my head.. a better way to explain it i feel dead and lifeless.. and i hate the meds they work for a bit and they just zombie me out.

  • Steve

    If a person can’t love, is cruel and abusive, doesn’t feel much, doesn’t like to do anything, what good is that person?

    He is a taxpayer, a bill payer, but that’s about it. He is a terrible companion, a worse relative.

    Too many mistakes, past and present. So many shameful actions, abuses, embarrassments, and not many positives to his credit.

    He’s an actor. He’s two or three different people, depending on who he’s with at the time.

    It’s not a good feeling for him, to know that he is not redeemable.

    He is loved by many people, but can not love them back.

    He’s really already dead and rotted, inside, and waiting for the physical death that must come someday.

    It would be nice if he felt something or did something truly good before he died.

  • Cody

    I feel like nothing is exciting anymore, friends bore me, and i have no ambition to try and have fun. I feel anxious all the time, and in my mind it feels like im not here. It’s easy for me to act happy out in public, but when im at my house i feel like absolute crap.

  • James

    Depression is like… wanting to write something here to express yourself, but the exertion being too much. Past and future disappear and you are left with an empty, void present. I don’t want to around people because I think they can see through to my unhappiness, and I feel like i am offending them by acting in accordance with how I feel. The guilt is the worst thing; I feel I am making excuses and that I should be doing better. Then I stop and realise that I am in such much pain, and that I really shouldn’t be so hard on myself.

  • Dave

    Woke up 7am, but usually go to sleep up around this time.

    I spend days and weeks in a fog, Always confused and exhausted.

    I feel everyone including you, the reader are better than me.

    Your so lucky, you think your depressed…you have no idea.

    My father and mother are/where both mentally ill and I’ve received the gene.

    I’m 32 but feel as though im 68-

    The feeling of wanting to finish this has passed.

  • ROSE

    Like many others are saying, I feel so numb, nothing interests me. I’m sad and irritable all the time but feel like I have no excuse. Every morning I put on a fake smile and go to school, acting like the life of the party, but inside I’m lifeless. It’s like feeling dead and watching the whole world live around you, just wanting to move or be a part of the crowd. I just want to feel. Is that so wrong?

  • Amy

    when i’m in depression i feel like someones pulling me into a black hole and im trying to get out but no ones helping me depression just feels like giving up and having nothing to live for anymore. i feel like i cant enjoy the world anymore everyday it justs gets worse and worse will this ever stop..-please god i hope

  • Andres

    I just found out ( by doing some online research ) that wHt I may have is depression, I had been having some feelings that where just not normal. At first I did not realize that I had depression, but by reading I found out that this thing that I had been feeling where it.
    This feelings have been:
    – worrines, I had recently been worrying A LOT, by just ” dumb ” things.
    – sadness, just feeling down from time to time , with out aparent reason.
    – fear, I feel fear for things that I don’t have to worry about, or at least not yet
    – suicide, I have ha an occasional feeling that the easy way out of my situation is just to dye ( even though there is a strong second part of me that keeps me from doing ) IF YOU FEEL THIS WAY SEEK HELP

  • Sophie

    Depression feels like numbness. I can go through the day, and I’m sure I must have done SOMETHING right, but for the life of me I cannot remember. I can’t remember anything, but the days when I was a happy little kid. I’ve been depressed since 6th grade. Everyone around me, especially my loved ones, are the most annoying people on the planet. I cant understand how the ones closest to me can be the ones it seems like I hate the most. I feel like everyones out to hurt me, so don’t let anyone in. It’s like running to a destination very far in the distance, and with every step I take, it gets further away from me.

  • olive

    I dont know sometimes. I’m happy around people, but alone I feel empty and numb, like nothing I could do would be worth anything. I have anxiety sometimes and my heart feels heavy.

  • Matt

    It makes me cry reading every single one of these comments and just trying to imagine what some of you must be going through. I am suffering from depression too, but I guess to a different (maybe smaller) degree. But depression is what it is and it’s awful. I have been feeling depressed since I was 17 (and I’m 22 now). Every birthday for the past 5 years I ‘wish’ to just be happy. That’s it. Thought it was simple enough, yet, seems like it’ll never happen. I don’t want to live like this anymore. I go to bed at 5 a.m. every day and have to get up for a 9 or 10 o’clock class. Tired all the time, have all sorts of difficulty getting out of bed, can’t laugh, have trouble keeping a smile or a conversation, remembering anything, or just constantly worrying about anything. I have to act happy towards everyone, even family. Continuously hiding. I couldn’t care less how my family would react if I told them. I don’t care about anything. My grades. My career. Maybe it’s because I never had a girlfriend. I have no confidence in myself, been bullied/picked on/etc. all my life, feeling like everyone is 10 feet taller than me and I’m all alone. Why do I get up? Why take a shower? Why can’t my heart just stop beating? I’m too afraid to kill myself so I drink. And that doesn’t work. Don’t want to take drugs. Why take drugs? What’s the point? Why do I drink? Pain is only gone for a little while. Then it all comes back and FAST. All I can say is this is worst feeling I had ever experienced and I truly see no end. I can only wish that you all can get past this terrible, terrible feeling, because I know I can’t. What a shame life is. What a shame that I’m the 400th+ person to write something here. I personally don’t believe in god. If there was a god, then this website shouldn’t have even been established, yet even come into one’s mind. Believe whatever you want…I respect other’s beliefs…but me? I don’t believe in him. Maybe someday, and maybe I should, but right now I can’t. I’d rather fix this myself, but can’t find the energy. Everything is just too difficult. Life is difficult.

  • ERYN

    When I am in the depths of depression, it takes on a different forms. Sometimes I will cry over ridiculous things, even if they are happy. Sometimes I will panic and have to calm myself down. Sometimes I will feel dejected and lonely and like a failure and just curl up in bed like a child and not want to get up for hours. Sometimes I will become upset and frustrated over every little thing and suddenly lose my cool after that “straw that breaks the camel’s back.” I also doubt everyone and everything b/c I think, how could they love me when I am so depressed. That’s what it feels like for me.

  • Someone

    I feel as if my soul was trapped in this disgusting body..i feel lost in life, no one who would understand me or support me.i feel lonely,worthless and that i cant do anything right..don’t know what to do anymore,i dont even want to exist because happyness is just never part of my life….but when im around people, this automatic fake happy face turns on and pretends as if everything is ok

  • amy

    im an emotional wreck, the littlest things make me want to cry, i feel a failure, im tired all the time,sometimes im upset and i don’t know why, i can’t stand my best friend lately shes just irritating me along with my friend, im so quiet and lonely, and i feel like im in a pretend world where one day im just going to wake up and realise im in a nightmare and go back on living my perfect, happy life. Past failures like boys, falling out with friends from years back, things that upset me like death all flood back when i try to sleep and dream and think, i cant concentrate im just so fed up of feeling like this.

  • Lucy

    You can’t fully understand depression until you’ve had it yourself and trust me, I have. When you’re depressed it’s easy for people to be like oh why don’t you do this or don’t be sad, be happy. Let me tell you a little about how I felt. It got to the point where when I layed down all I wanted to do was die. I would start thinking of everything I regretted and would think why isn’t my life different. I couldn’t bring myself to laugh let alone smile. I would just stare at my food, not hungry or if I were to eat it was just little portions that I had to force upon myself. Then I began to stop showering. I didn’t see the point in it. I also would go to bed not brushing my teeth or face and I am the person who ALWAYS brushes their teeth. I would go on facebook and just look at everyone else’s pictures of them hanging out with friends and smiling. Then I would be so afraid of someone talking to me or writing me an email that I was afraid to open my laptop. I didn’t care if I gave it away along with all of my other belongings. Nothing mattered to me anymore. This brought me into a deeper hole and when someone texted or called me I literally couldn’t speak and didn’t know what to say. Short answers like yeah, good, ok. I would get really nervous around anyone, thinking that they were just staring at me. I would think of everything I couldn’t do like hold a conversation or just how I looked. During dinner it would be completely silent with my family or boyfriend. I didn’t want to spend money on laundry, I didn’t want to spend money on food. When I went to the grocery store I would just look around and think what everyone else was doing. Who they were going home to, who their friends were, what they were going to eat. I went up and down the isles not knowing anything about what I wanted. I would get into my car and just drive somewhere then park and sit in my car for hours doing nothing. I couldn’t stand to listen to any music so I sat in silence. It made me want to throw up when songs I used to like played. I couldn’t watch movies or tv shows because I thought my life would never be like them. It would cause me anxiety because if someone got hurt or died on the show I would think about how much that would hurt if it happened to me. My hair was getting brittle and really hard to comb through. I did go to a therapist and when I got there she just looked at me like I was crazy because it was so hard for me to talk and tell her how I felt. It didn’t help at all. I put my family through so much when this was happening and they stuck by my side. I could tell that my boyfriend didn’t like me because of what happened and the things I was saying. I just couldn’t help it. I knew the depression was coming and literally could not stop it no matter how hard I tried. I know my boyfriend only stayed with me because if we broke up I would probably try and kill myself. He was the only thing holding me together. I had to take off a semester at college during all of this and I thought I was a failure and I kept worring about the future and what job I could get. I would go to bed late and try to sleeep in as long as I could and when I saw the sun I didn’t want to get out of bed. I just wanted to lay there forever. I would blame everyone for why I felt this way like why didn’t you do that or why didn’t this happen. I would just look at the past and see everything that went wrong and how I had made so many “wrong decisions.”

  • WHO

    I just want to fall asleep all the time. Not because I’m tired, but because sleep just seems like escape. I want the world to leave me alone, I want to curl into a ball and tell everybody to go away. Things that I ‘should’ be happy about, I have no feelings for. Memories of bad things that have happened in my life randomly flood my head and make me want to cry. I fantasize about hurting myself. I don’t want to die, I just want to sleep. Whenever i have to make a decision, or make a very small mistake, my head is filled with voices like ‘I can’t do this. this is pointless. what’s the point? I can’t do it. I’m stupid and crap at everythying. There’s no point’ I’m dyslexic, and frustrated when I fall behind in everyday tasks. I snap at my family and only talk to them when I really have to. I should love my boyfriend but I find myself questioning whether I have any feelings at all for anything, let alone him. I feel tired and dazed all the time, as if i’m dreaming and can’t concentrate. My body feels heavy all the time as if it’s a huge effort to motivate myself to do anything. Nobody wants to listen, and I tell myself that they don’t care. Logic tells me one thing, but this grey cloud over my head tells me another.

  • Tina

    That’s it exactly.

    I’ve been on Zoloft fot about 6 years- I started when I was pregnant with my first child- and was sad all the time. Only now (during a week off zoloft- some sort of miscommunication between me-doctor-pharmacist) do I feel it fully.

    I feel like I am walking around with a fish bowl on my head. Sounds are muffled, I feel a little dizzy and disoriented. I’ve cried over everything. I am afraid my husband doesn’t really love me even though he says he does. Everything is going wrong. I’m afraid I’ll lose my job. I wonder what it would feel like to run my car into a tree.

    In the past I’ve wondered if my depression is situational or chemical- at this point, there is no doubt in my mind that I have a chemical imbalance. I cannot function without my medication. I fall apart.

  • Danni

    cognitive behavioural therapy works a treat.
    I havefound it excellent, i’m not paying for my therapy but using a book titled “dummies guide to cognitive behavioural therapy” it’s got pages and pages of exercises and advice.

  • Zion

    I go threw the same problems and can’t even know what my body is feeling anymore and I need help also. In fact Idk anymore on what I can do to change my depression so if u have an answer that u think might hlp then by all means pls let me know. And my answer for urs is: just try to think about the last time u ever felt happy and c if that might help.

  • David

    Depression… I have a very hard time focusing and completing tasks. Sleep is my escape. Being alone my sanctuary. Simple things like picking up the phone seem impossible sometimes. I enjoy being around people when I work through these stiffling feelings of nothingness. Some days are better than others but there are times when I have great energy and then, it feels like someone flipped a switch. My energy goes away, I can’t concentrate. Movies are my escape as well. Anything so I don’t have to face the day or my life. I’ve had these feeling off and on as far back as I can remember and I’m in my 50’s now. I just keep praying for Christ to come back soon. I don’t want to kill myself but if I were to die, I don’t know that that would be a back thing.

  • A

    So reading these comments made me tear up some. I think about how i’m deppressed but then i wonder if i actually am deppressed. Maybe i just want to be deppressed. I hate self-pity and i feel like that’s kind of what deppression is. Things seem off. Relationships seem fake now. I have a great boyfriend and before I felt so …in sync, like I knew what he was thinking etc etc. But things feel so off now and i feel disconnected. I’ve lost interest in things I used to enjoy like cooking, sports, exercising, even walking my dog. Little things that i know shouldn’t upset me drive me crazy. I feel happy and even beautiful when I cry- that’s why I think maybe I just am trying to convince myself that i have deppression. I hate that. Like after crying, I will look in the mirror to see my puffy, watery eyes. I feel happiest when I cry because i feel like im just letting everything out. I seem to fit all/most of the symptoms. I cry all the time and I hate myself for it. I have trust issues. I have trouble focusing and don’t have fun anymore. At school/with friends I feel like I’m just going through a routine and I put on a forced smile because if people (or at least in highschool) see me like I really am they’d probably label me as emo and I hate that. I used to label ppl like that as freaks who need to get overthemselves. But i think deppression is different, it’s not just a way of thinking, it’s a lifestyle that you can’t seem to climb out of once you’ve fallen in. Idk if all this made me the way I am..:
    Parents divorced- it was actually a really scary event where there was verbal fighting then all the sudden physical fighting all infront of me then the police came and talked to me and I was 15 when this happened.
    Mom is clinically deppressed, but won’t take meds.

    When I’m feeling deppressed I feel shaky, my throat feels tight (as if my heart is really caught in my throat). I get obsessive over my boyfriend and i think this is why i overreact to things he does. I mean hes not perfect but little things that shouldn’t bother so much make me want to kill myself. I have weird impulses when I think about stuff that has upset me, like I’ll just throw whatever I’m holding or gasp for air. God I dont know what I was trying to write when I started this and now I feel like I’m just rambling.

  • Ella

    i used to be a happy person only a couple of weeks ago but then all of a sudden its like my world changed for no reason and no matter how much i try i cant get it back i just feel so alone weird and down im just done with life if this is how its going to be forever everytime i look back i want to cry cos i miss it sooo bad and it hurts so much my depression is related to a weird feeling of change in my house i knw it sounds crazy but i just cant get past the feeling that my house is totally different and it feels awful and now i find everything so depressing for no reason im always paranoid of this being like another bad time in my life which is crazy i knw but thats how i feel i feel so hopeless and stupid for being like this and i cant tell my friends cos they will think im crazy as well but i knw ill get past this and all you will too so just keep going xx

  • Hailey

    I haven’t ever been to the doctor for this, but I think I have depression… I’ve always been scared to talk to anyone about it. Here’s how it feels to me.
    *You feel so worthless, like the only thing you could ever accomplish in this world would be killing yourself or harming yourself.
    *You feel agitated by all of your family and friends (as said in the article)
    *You make your surroundings sad…to match your world.
    *You’re always thinking of suicide…
    *You’re uninterested in everything.
    *The little things piss you off.
    *You fake a smile everyday, then when your alone, you frown and cry if you can.
    *You feel like crying…all the time.

  • Danni

    I agree, to hear the words “you’ll be ok” and “stop feeling sorry for yourself” are soul destroying.
    No one can understand these feelings unless you have gone through them.
    It’s the worst feeling in the world and a feeling of great dispair and frustraion right in the pit of your stomach because it feels like there is nothing you can do to be happy and get rid of these cruel feelings.
    Everyone annoys you and you just want to crawl into a dark corner and go to sleep.
    I would not wish this illness upon my worst enemie.
    The worst thing about it is i know that if i go to my doctor he will only prescribe meds and i have been there and done that-they made me worse.
    I need to talk to someone and be listened too by someone who knows how i’m feeling.
    But then again, how can i find that if even i don’t know what it is i’m feeling.
    Thank you to everyone who has posted on here because it has made that light at the end of my gloomy tunnel just a tad bigger.
    Good luck to all of you. x

  • Zapra Devesa

    i still remember a quiet depression of mine. that time when i use to feel my depression i use to be so silence, i easily forget everything what comes into my mind. all my friends telling that i had change not to my real name anymore. all I’m doing is that waiting for someone who could give me a hand just to help me stand and to go on but i failed. my inside has been mocked and a part of me still searching for an answer without a question. i don’t really understand who i am until such time i felt like killing myself so i tried to blade my hand if not taking any medicine for me to hallucinate when I’m asleep. i survive in every murder scene I’d take and realize that if anyone can’t handle me a hand i know i cant. right now I’m doing my best in order to graduate on this coming march…….. what ever it takes don’t give up…………thanks guys…>>>>>>>>

  • Vlad

    In my country (Russia)it is a sin to kill yourself, even if you are depressed. I have thought about taking my own life, but I do not want to go to Hell. I will suffer until it is my time to die naturally. Then I hope that the pain will go away forever.

  • Dan

    I see my devil

    I see his face when everything’s alright

    I feel my devil

    I feel his breath roll down my back at night

    I know this devil

    and he knows that I’m just waitin for the right time,

    the right time…

    you know my devil

    you see his work but you can’t do a thing

    he’ll live forever

    entrenched in all the madness that he brings

    he’ll wait forever

    waiting in the depths of every soul like me,

    waiting to take us down

    think you’re running a good race

    think you’re keeping a good pace

    hoping to break away

    can anyone hear what I say?

    playin’ it cool to save my face while

    tryin’ to stand in one dam place

    hoping he goes away

    after begging him to stay

    he is my devil

    his every move is etched upon my face

    don’t be affraid now

    he’s here to take me to my favorite place

    you’ll see my devil

    he’ll be waiting for the right time, the best time

    to show his face …

    I can’t remember

    the last time I could say that I was free

    I can’t remember

    how I became adrift upon this sea

    without my devil

    nothing ever feels the way it should feel,

    if I could just feel….

    it hurts, oh God it hurts to see the man in me

    become what I most fear in me

    it hurts to watch him plead to be

    released from all his misery

    it hurts to see the damage done

    to all of what is dear to me

    oh God will you please help this man

    escape his wretched destiny…

    beware my devil

    his solitude can turn the strongest soul

    ’cause it’s my struggle

    I need no help in digging my own hole

    you stay away now

    before I have to make you go away…

    far away…

    think you’re runnin the good race

    think you’re keepin a good pace

    hoping to break away

    can anyone hear what I say?

    playin’ it cool to save my face while

    tryin’ just to stand in one dam place

    hoping he goes away

    after begging him to stay

  • John

    I don`t think people know what depression is like unless they`ve had it. It`s easy for people to say stop feeling sorry for yourself. I can`t describe how soul destroying it is.

  • Me

    I found love. True love. and then we had a baby. And now I am suicidal and have ruined my life. Life is a living hell – I feel nothing for her and want my old life back, the one where I felt normal and fine and everything was great. I constantly think of killing myself and I’ve tried to hang myself. Currently lying in bed with a bottle of wine and pills. I am losing my mind. I have everything, so it seems, and I hate my life. It feels very surreal and there is no hope.

  • Me

    I found love. True love. And then I had a baby. And my world collapsed. I feel nothing for her. I want my old life back. All I can think about it is ending it. I have everything and feel like I have nothing. Sleep is not safe, I am losing my mind and my beautiful partner is now at the end of his tether. I have destroyed my life.

    it’s like a surreal nightmare. I was never suicidal before this point and now I watch myself try to strangle, hang and stab myself, without the guts to go through with it. I am in a living hell.

  • mims

    I don’t know why some people are depressed for no reason, well I have the worse postpartum depression u nailed it with all those symptoms especially the when it’s sunny it’s
    still cloudy, it could be raining and cloudy one day and sunny the next and it wouldn’t make a difference, I struggle to move I lost all energy in my body, I keep thinking about how a screwed up my life with my unplanned pregnancy before I was such a happy person everyone considered mea God fearing strong christian but never did I think I would be so depressed my joy
    was music now it doesn’t have the same sound to me, I have to fake a laugh all the time and act
    like I’m happy every day is a struggle I wake up in the morning thinking here we go again another lifeless day, and I wish I could
    sleep all day but of course I have
    my responsibilities as a new parent and I do it all on my own. ” The light at the end of the tunnel seems like an illusion of water in the desert”

  • Misa

    Depression is a very serious illness and deadly also. Depression caused me to get severe panic and anxiety attacks were to da point I cant walk when I get them. It gave me fear and.phobia also and high blood pressure. Please take care of urself. Im only 22 and gotta deal with an illness for life:”(

  • Alexandra Garvin

    I have had issues with depression on and off during the years due to a very traumatic childhood. I have sought help. After the birth of my last child, a little girl, I had postpartum depression that did not seem to lift. After six months it appeared to life. Then in June of 2010 I was in a grocery store and the floral department had water all over the floor (no rugs in this spot for some mysterious reason when rugs were everywhere else) and I slipped and fell and herniated my back, crushed my knee, my neck hurts terribly, and now I am physically incapacitated physically in many ways. No more gardening, roller blading, certain exercises. Even sleeping is painful because my back hurts. I am taking pain medications but I feel guilty about that too and have kept my medications to a bare minimum. I feel angry about the people who expect things from me at times. I do work and I also do a lot of animal rescue and I feel like a failure because my work commitments are below my standards. I am taking care of three foster dogs and they help me feel better about helping another living being stay alive. My doctor asked me if I consider suicide and I have to say “No.” But I do think about suicide in a way – I just wish sometimes that in one of my beautiful dreams where I am running around and carefree and happy – because I wish sometimes I would not wake up at all. I just want the pain and mental anguish to stop. That is what it is: Mental anguish. The best times of my life are spent laying on a sofa or bed instead of taking my children to the beach or the park or the dogs on their walks. I am so depressed. On the list above that was given, EVERY SINGLE ONE APPLIES TO ME. Just getting up in the morning and getting going is an effort. It is 11:00 AM and I had to interact with someone over an account with our house and I am drained and ready to crawl back under the covers. I am trying Wellbutrin but for those really bad moments, I take Valium to sleep off the moment. It is keeping me alive. I hope that all of us somehow make it out of this alive because it truly is a disease – the chemical changes in our brains – and that someday the sun shines bright over head and in our hearts. God bless everyone.

  • D

    I’ve been through 4 therapists…tried every new anti-depressant…seriously thought of suicide…everything ends in the same place…nowhere. I have somehow managed to stay afloat, but am not any closer to shore and have only enough energy to keep from drowning, not enough strength left to start that swim that could save me. To top it all off, I have fallen in love with a friend who has been helping me survive to this point. The cruel reality is that she is a happily married mother of three and I will never be able to be a part of her life. I’m scared to death of not being able to give up dreams of being with her and doing something that will cause me to lose my friendship as well. Nothing I do turns out to be the right thing…NOTHING

  • sunset

    In addition to my last posting, i wanted to add that one of the most consistent obstacles that would come up for me, that would cause me to wait & not do anything hasty when i was feeling especially suicidal, were my pets. the idea that i would die & no one would take care of them really, really bothered me. so even now, for as depressed as i am & wishing i could just die & be forgotten by anyone who ever knew me, i am still here because of my cats. God bless them. if the idea helps, get a pet from a shelter. they make great, loyal companions because i think deep down, these poor creatures realize how close they come to losing their lives when they are in the stressful environments of animal shelters. animals from shelters are so grateful to be given a 2nd chance and if after getting a pet & you find you cannot take care of it, please find it a loving home; don’t abandon it. Pets might not be humans, but they are living creatures & they can bring a lot to our empty lives. heard something on the tv not too long ago that an informal study found that a lot of housewives found that the family pet dog listened to them better than their husbands! Yeah, i could believe that!) Again, good luck & best wishes to all.

  • sunset

    Thank you, all of you who have written comments here. As i read them, for the first time, i felt like i was actually getting an idea of what goes through the minds of other people when they are depressed. In that way, i felt some connection with voices outside of my head, from people experiencing the same thing. then i felt a wave of sadness for everyone here when i thought about the amount of heavy, sad feeling that everyone here (& elsewhere) is feeling, because i have also felt them too many times through the years & when i have felt them, they are so overwhelming & i just feel bad that so many other people out there are experiencing this & don’t know what to do or feel powerless to do anything about it.

    i’ve had mixed success & failure through the years battling it & suicidal ideation has become my constant mental companion. i was 35yrs old & agonizing over whether or not to have kids when i realized that i had been harboring suicidal thoughts for at least 20yrs since i was 15yrs old. of course, my constant suicidal feelings were one of the reasons i finally didn’t have kids (didn’t want to pass the genes on to continue the depression cycle). but of course such decisions are never neatly or quickly made & i still wonder if having kids would have made things better or not. my husband is emotionally unavailable. unfortunately, this & other problems in our relationship loomed as red flags for years, yet i didn’t back out when i should have. kept trying to “have faith & hope things would get better.” They didn’t. Things only deteriorated, until now we can barely speak to eachother beyond daily functioning conversation (like “would you like some coffee?).” i honestly don’t know what to do. relationships between myself & siblings have deteriorated simply because we all just split up & are busily living our lives in geographically difficult places to leave easily. for years, i have honed my suicide plan & it has come & gone. i think the longest time i went without thinking about suicide was for 2yrs; this was about 17yrs ago. ever since, it just hangs around at the edge of my awareness. when the stress is really bad, i just have this voice repeating over & over again in my head telling me to just do it, just get it over with already. i had worked for almost 20yrs in a profession that deals w crisis situations, suicides included. i finally got tired & took a break from it; i just couldn’t handle the stress anymore. after work each day, my mind wouldn’t shut up; over & over repeated thoughts of the day, over the crazy situations handled during the work shift. finally one day, had a call at work in which a guy shot himself in the head & killed himself. dealt with it as well as possible. didn’t think it had affected me, at least not professionally–kept on doing my job, but it actually started for me a down-hill spiraling road of depression that i didn’t even see or recognize until about 4yrs after that fateful call. it started w just not having patience anymore for anything. everyone around me just irritated the hell out of me. so did situations; everything seemed so impossible to go smoothly. my husband was never supportive emotionally from the beginning (red flag!) & so any of my attempts to vent about my job were met w rude remarks for me to stop “whining about work.” his refusal to make any connection in this way when i attempted has really brought me to a point of total & complete frustration about our marriage & my existence w him. it feels like my marriage is a failure. i feel like a failure over other things in my life. never realized how much the depression slowed me down until the last couple of years. left the stressful job to try to start a business. that failed too. still trying to make a go of it, but just don’t have the energy to keep it going & it feels like a waste of time on top of that. so need to find a job again, working for someone else & having the worst time even getting up the courage to re-do my resume, or even apply for any jobs. everything feels like too much to handle every day. for so many years in my old job, i could get through all kinds of tough calls (car accidents, domestic disputes, etc.); now i start to lose it inside when my husband doesn’t speak to me for most of the day. day after day, it is like this. oh, i’ve had breaks here and there. times when i couldn’t believe that i had ever felt depressed enough to think about suicide, but then, slowly, eventually, the suicidal ideations would creep back. especially after i’ve had a particularly disappointing encounter w my husband, or start to contemplate what i’m going to do to pay the bills. need a job. the husband is the only one working now & his paycheck isn’t covering everything. in the past, never had problem with the idea of working & maintaining employment. used to have a great work ethic. worked like a dog, lots long hours & enjoyed it too. but now, i’m scared. i’ve never felt this debilitated, for lack of a better word. every week (for a year now), i keep telling myself i’ll tackle job hunting, at least filling out one job application each week. but now, each day goes by & busy myself trying to do the most mundane shit & even that feels too overwhelming a lot of the time. i break my time into 15-30min periods & mentally list (or sometimes write it down when i’m feeling especially scatterbrained & can’t concentrate for shit on anything) what i want to get done or expect to get done during that time & proceed about making it happen. again, mixed success, but when it works, it works. it is a slow way to get me jumpstarted physically, until the momentum gets going such that sometimes it is hard to stop (manic depressive too?!?). the hard part is accepting those hours in which i am seemingly stuck frozen, usually sitting on the couch, or crawling back into the bed, unable to feel any differently than darkly depressed. feeling such a huge sadness, such a void of any other feeling, such a huge weight of nothingness. i have spent hours just staring at nothing while my mind just wanders around thinking the same damn depressive things over & over. feeling such a weird feeling that i only can describe as feeling numb at times. and also a recognition that i can’t seem to or just don’t feel like doing anything anymore, not the things i have to do, & not the things i used to like doing. no effort is made to talk to the husband about it, because he expresses no sympathy for situations like this. so i’m alone. it sucks to be married & to still be alone as if you were never married. feeling so frustrated about the marriage but just don’t have the energy to do anything about it. like i have no energy to look for a job. like each day, i barely have the energy to clean the house(and years have gone by w some stuff never having been dusted!). just enough energy to make food everyday for the husband, do the laundry, etc., do the barest basics. when i think of the words of hopelessness that other people have written here, i wish i had something encouraging to say. i try to think of the times when i have felt some moments of happiness & every time at those moments, i always reflect upon the fact that i have had many times in the past when i have wanted to kill myself & then i ask myself, how could i have thought that when i could feel this happy? the truth is that i don’t know. and i don’t know how when i’m feeling so depressed that i can’t seem to remember what it felt like to feel happy. it’s like i just can’t believe the memory of past happiness felt. at my most positive (the most i can summon right now), i would like to say to the depressed souls here on this website, to try to be patient with themselves, because feelings do change, sometimes even when circumstances don’t. i do believe that when we are really depressed we aren’t thinking clearly & so it isn’t wise to take immediate action on anything. i wish i could wipe all the depressive, negative crap out of all of your minds, so you could all feel some much needed relief & be reminded of what if feels like to feel good or at least reasonable decent again.

    i’m feeling pretty depressed myself right now. for myself, i don’t feel much hope, because i’m aware of my circumstances & obstacles. in spite of that, please don’t disregard my words: don’t do anything hasty if you are thinking about suicide. wait for a day or longer if you can. try to find ways to keep yourself going. check out some of the other suggestions on this website for how to pass the time when you’re depressed. wish i could speak to more, especially to the dark periods in all of us, when thinking about suicide actually brings relief, but this is as much as i know, as far as i have gotten in my battle w suicide.

    Thanks for reading this & good luck to everyone here who expressed feelings & viewpoints.

  • ronald

    its like a month and a few days ago, i felt change in my mood and the things which excites me are not interesting any more.when i wake up any time i sleeps its worst i tried to escape fron the feeling by turning television as soon as i wake up which never happened in my like. i was with my family on holidays, i didnt realise it was depression i thought i just lost my energy just because of my stomach problem. which i had for like several months. i have to move back to overseas for where i am suppose to be alone. i always wanted to be out of home or stay connected with work to keep my self busy. when i have nothing to do nothing comes in my mind to keep my self entertained. feels like some thing take a hold my mind. if i am talking to some friends i always want him to stay silent or dont bother me for any thing. i visit my friends places but after 5 minutes i want to get rid of them. some time scares and cried for nothing. feeling of emptiness and helplessness is always there. i have to try hard to concentrate or think. feels like my mind stop working. some time dont realise what i have just said. things at work seems to be very easy as i do normally but now mistakes occurs frequently, i tried very hard to concentrate but that stress my whole body and someitmes while trying to sleep gives stress on the back of my head. so using alcohol is helpful for me to sleep. sometimes i sleep for the time as long as the effect of alcohol is there and wake up for after two hours or three no mattter how hard it was at work. i back to overseas less than a month. i want to work 7 days a week just bcuz i avoid staying at home and it helps me. one day my boss was not happy with my mood, i told him my situation he sent me home. after spending 2 hours trying to keep my self busy become worst. i went to the doctor he diagnose my problem. after searching and reading about depression i learn a lot and i am more than satisfy now as its not such thing to think about commiting suicide its cureable.

  • catnip

    this is a very good way to describe how I feel.

    being irritated by everyone and feeling no love. I feel so disheartened by life.

    My depression has got slowly worse over the years, felt like this since I was a child I am now 32. I don’t think it will ever go away. It has become life a painful know in my stomach. I am seriously scared. I don’t know if I can hold on. I wish I had the courage to end it all.

  • Princess

    wow.. I have been depressed for i guess 5yrs now… Its the worse feeling every. I didn’t know I was I didn’t know what was going on just thought it was me my actions and the way I handle thing until I started researching but even then I still didn’t want to believe that’s what was going on. I lost so much to depression its so hard I want to get over this I need help I hate feeling like this

  • Katy

    For a long time I didn´t know something was wrong. I lost interest in books and studying, eventhough that was something I always loved. Now I can´t concentrate and I´m afraid. I have this huge ball of cold fear inside me, when it´s really bad, it almost paralyzes me. I can´t cry, it´s like I don´t have feelings, only fear and anxiety. My grades dropped, I fear going to school, talking to teachers and when I go I pretend like everything is fine. It´s like sth prevents me from saying anything. It wants to devour me, destroy everything I have ever cared about and then kill me. I dropped out of one school, because I just couldn´t go there anymore, even now when I think about it I feel so worthless and stupid, so ashamed of myself. It was so humiliating. The only thing I liked about me were my brains. But that´s gone. I´ve lost every ounce of self-respect. Right now I´m trying studying, but I just can´t do that, I feel nauseated and anxious and so so afraid. I would love to go to sleep and never to awake. I just don´t see the way out, the solution. I´m on medication, but it doesn´t help, I don´t think I will ever be ok. When I broke down a few weeks ago I pleaded for the pain to go away that I would do anything in the world just to stop it, because I don´t want to cut myself (I did it once or twice). I´m afraid that I won´t be able to stand it for much longer. I would love to live, but I don´t to how. I fear I´m not strong enough. I don´t like this reality.

  • Chris

    I had a brother that felt like most of these people. He was depressed most of his life. He started telling me he is not long for this world. I didn’t know what he was talking about. He was asked point blank if he was suicidal and he said, “No”. Well he was suicidal and homicidal. He took his own life and my mothers life. Now I am depressed. I go through depression every time a life changing event takes place (my divorce, job loss, Parents died, brother died). It does pass, but some need to go find guidance from someone. Please before it is to late get someones help. I wouldn’t want any other families to sit there wondering what they could have done differently to help. You really never know what you could have done to make it better. Everyone has a reason for being here.

  • anu

    m suffering from ..i dnt knw of what…………world does nt exist for me….n every day seems to be last day fr me….m out of this world

  • Catherine

    It is like swimming against a rip current and you keep getting pulled back out to sea. Knowing that deep down in you there a good person who wants to come out and be heard, seen and is amazing. A person who wants to work hard, have a job where they succeed and proud of. And have a family who understands them, is patient and can help them.

    It is the unknown and the knowing. WILL I ever function normally? WILL I ever find comfort and stop feeling hopeless and useless? DO I have a place in this world with the rest of the “normal” people? WILL my children suffer they way I do? HOW can I help them if they do and I can not even help myself —– I KNOW I am not normal. I KNOW my family loves me but they look at me as a failure. I KNOW my husband loves me, but left me 2 months ago because he can not deal with my depression and instability anymore. I KNOW I love and miss him terribly and he is never coming back. I KNOW I grieve for him every day, as if he died, because when he walked out I lost the only part of me that was still alive. I KNOW I want to be better but I will never be. I KNOW I would rather be dead than feel like this a day longer. But I KNOW I’d rather live without this depression any longer.

  • Getting Better

    The thoughts hit me all of a sudden like a heavy, blunt sledgehammer….painful yet flat. Like boredom on crack. A poorman’s insanity that is very expensive. A bad reality t.v. show…and you can’t change the channel. The worst pop song playing over and over and over in your head. WHILE your neighbors kid’s garage band is making sounds that resemble a construction site destroying a natural habitat. A heavy empty shell on a thin piece of ice.

  • unknown

    i’ve stopped trying to kill myself now. sometime i go blank sometime i forget what im talking about. nobody knows this about me apart from you guys. 🙁

  • unknown

    have i got depression? sometime i feel like killing myself no long ago i tried to suffercate myself. i just always want to hurt someone but i know its not right but i cant help it. 3 time i have tried to suffercate myself and without telling my parents plus im only 13 years of age. im scared if i tell my parent that they will think im just pretending to get attention and im scared that they wont love me anymore because i’ve gone mental. im paranoid alot and i dont know why is it something to do with me being mental?? im mostly angry and annoyed in school i just cant help it. as im writing this message i feel as i want to cry and i dont usually cry.

  • STUPID BLONDE

    I am 15 years old and I already hate myself, family and friends. I even think: Why am I alive? Am I depressed? I have already been diagnosed with an eating disorder.

  • Andreea

    People, please, go see a doctor.

    He will direct you to see a psychologist, therapist or psychiatry.

    There are o lot of therapies, meds and all sorts of help.

    I am undergoing CBT therapy and yes, it helps a lot. it drags me out of this hell.

    so please go see a doctor or a therapist!

  • Anybody Listening?

    Crying, Crying, Crying, I am worthless. Why would anyone love me? I can’t get it right. I can’t hold a job. Too tired to be happy. My moms irritating, my kids irritate me, my boyfriend irritates me, everyone irritates me. I treat people like crap because I hate myself. I take pain killers to be happy. Why am I alive? I want the pain to stop. I’m so hopeless…good is out of reach. Love doesn’t feel good anymore. I am such a f@#$ UP! Stop Crying!!!!!!!!!!!!

  • worthless

    I’m 16. I’m 16 and I fell like I’m a hundred years old. I wake up in the morning, and I want nothing more to go back to sleep, to just close my eyes and have everything disappear a little while longer. I walk through the day with a smile on my face because I’ve never been the girl who wears her emotions like a sweater. I pretend for people so they won’t worry, but when I get home from school it’s like I’m being smacked repeateadly with a boulder that wants me dead.

    I have no desire to look in the mirror because I know the girl staring back is an ugly, worthless, fat shell of what used to be under there. I am nothing, I want to die. Everyday, I see an object and think of ways I could kill myself with it; it’s gotten to the point where I’d kill myself with a paper clip if I had too.

    I want to be loved, I want someone to look at me and tell me I’m beautiful, but I know it will never happen. People think I’m ugly, and fat, and stupid. I’m good at nothing, I’ll never get to go to college, or have a career. I’ll never raise a family, or buy a senior citizen apartment. I’ll grow up alone, and I’m afraid. I’m afraid of being alone.

  • студент кип

    im 22 and ive been having these weird feelings for the past one Year or so,and its already causing unimaginable damage to me,ive just been expelled from my dream collefe n my dream course n i dont feel a thing,i mean i feel nothing of late,i never get a reason to wake up in the mornings not even going for exams,i ssleep for days n hate light,darkness seems better since i can hide myself frm the rest of the world,always cancel my dates the last mInute fOr seeing no good in it n everybody now knows me for that,i never answer the door,any calls or reply to mails unless those frm family,i was never like this,i was always happy,funny,cool to hang around,now am the unsocial unfunny and terrible person who cant even make a meaningful sentense in conversations,I hate my life n everything,i cant smile n i see nothing funny anymore,n i always have this constant fear of somethin bad happening to me,ive lost almost all friends and am now typing this in bed and its 11 am already,i need serious help before this thing ruins my life further,,

  • Terribly young

    From being a straight A student to a confident, sassy girl, i am now tried, sad and most importantly i feel lonely. I dont cut my self nor do i want to die (well it has crossed my mind) i just feel like crap for the majority of the time. i like to be alone, far away from everyone else. Im only sixteen and i’m known to being very pretty yet sometimes i wish i was a normal average girl. Once who gets spots and embarrasses themselves over the littlest things. One who crushes over every hot guy or teacher or even a stranger on the street. I wish i good go back to the times when i was happy. even if i was naive, i was at least happy. I feel as if im entering a black hole, with no escape. Life has no meaning, nor does anything.

  • Tinytin

    I feel like nothing is worth it anymore. I don’t want to do anything because there’s no point, and anyway I can’t do anything right.

    Ever since high school I’ve thought about killing myself. I dropped out of one college because I simply didn’t enroll for the semester, and I hated my course anyway.

    Also I have fits where the I just up and cry, like huge gulping sobs. On my mother’s birthday party I said my stomach was acting up but actually I just went into my room, locked the doors and started to wail. It happened on a school trip, too, but I just told the teachers that I couldn’t breathe.

    My parent think I’m lazy because I never want to get out of bed and meet people.

    I don’t know how to communicate anything deeper than small talk, and even that is awkward. I can’t talk about important matters, I just tend to shut down.

    When I was six a neighborhood teen used to molest me until they moved house. I don’t know if he ever went further than touching and rubbing because I try hard not to remember it.

    I’m so scared that his family will move back.

    I want help but I have no close friends, and I can’t say anything to my family either. I just CAN’T. This is the first time I’ve told other people about this.

    I feel so hopeless and alone and I don’t know what to do anymore.

    I want to go to for therapy but it’s too expensive and I don’t want people to know what’s wrong with me.

  • MITCH

    I used to be a happy person, had everything, great partner, lots of money in the bank, not a worry in the world. Then the love of my life left me after five years. I’ve since brought an expensive house and have a massive mortgage. I’ve now got an intense fear of being forced to sell and losing all my life savings. I also lost my job and have been working on and off since. I have never been this low, I have constant panic attacks, I hate being in crowds, just want to alone. Here I am, 42 years old, no wife, no partner, no kids, no friends to speak of. I feel so tired, I feel like I’ve got a pistol held to the back of my head. I feel like such a failure. I feel trapped. I feel sucked in and stupid. I just hate life right now.

  • Tiffany

    Wow! This is me! I knew something was going on but I needed words from someone who actually has suffered because it’s easier to relate that way! I now suffer from derealization due to it! Now I am able to take the next step and get help! Thank you for this!

  • MattI

    Sometimes i want to pass in school…but i do not care i miss people way to much ..if i see someone cry on TV i cry with them…i can cry over anything.:( i do not understand myself.one hour im all happy the next i dont kno where im at or want i want in life….:( ive lost my drive …i had dreams in life but now i dont know if my minds will et me reach them…

  • af

    So sad to see all of this pain in written form. Wish I could say it gets better but that would be a lie. Going on my 30th year of this madness. Seeing everyone around me laughing and talking and I am just gritting my teeth and playing along. Growing apart from life long friends, nothing has any worth or meaning. Feel closer to animals than people. The worst part is knowing that only 15% of the population really knows what this shell of an existence is like. Good luck to all, may you have better luck than me.

  • mdbananapeel

    My depression feels like a dementor(yes like harry potter) It sucks every good thought or memory from your mind and only allows you to see and remember the bad. No matter what people try to do to help you, nothing seems too work.
    Also a sense of not belonging. You can be at a big party, small gathering, or with a couple friends and still feel alone and out of place.

  • IRWIN M. DRESNER

    I AM A KOREA WAR VETERAN WHO SUFFERED FROM SERVERE DEPRESSION HIS ENTIRE LIFE. MY WIFE PASSED AWAY 13 MONTHS AGO AND THE GRIEF AND DEPRESSION IS KILLING ME.I HAVE NO ONE LIVING NEAR ME AND I TRY TO DO EVERY THING MYSELF EVEN THOUGH I AM 82 YEARS OLD. I WENT FOR HELP BUT NOTHING HAS HELPED ME. I TRULY FEEL LIKE ENDING MY LIFE. I HAD THE FIRST PART OF A BOOK THAT I WRITTEN COPYRIGHTED IN 1996. THE TITLE IS.
    “DEPRESSION FROM THE CRADLE TO THE GRAVE”
    “A MEMOIR OF A LIFETIME OF DEPRESSION”
    I AM WRITTING TO SECOND HALF. I SEE NO WAY OUT EXCEPT ENDING IT. COMBAT IN KOREA WAS BETTER THAN THIS. HAVE A GREAT HOLIDAY. IRWIN

  • rico

    *Numbness
    *keeping up appearances on the outside by giving a crooked grin but crying/sad on the inside .
    *my head feels like it will pop with pressure like it cant take any more knowledge of the painful “real” world around me .
    *the world seems so real that its just unreal (hard to explain )
    *you realize you’re just a pawn in their game , another serf on the land ….
    * people talk about the joys of smelling a flower , or watching kids eyes shimmer as they open their presents , but i tell them i refuse to do silly thingsand stoop to their softness.
    * sometimes it feels like i’m dying inside , but on the other hand i’ve never had so much clarity.
    *sometimes in the middle of the night i’ll take a walk , and it feels like your life is one big black-out, because i wont remember the happiness of the silence , and calmness around me….
    *i cant sleep for shit , because i’m afraid of the nightmares , the dreams of losing all the people i’ve been trying to win back for like the 5th time.
    *i wish for some of my old ex-homies , to come take me out in a drive-by , but on other times i feel like theyre on their way and i’m not ready.
    *i’ve never been excepted by others so I used to work hard (sometimes impulsively) to get attention . social events and shopping places and restaraunts scare me , because , i dont know who i’ll see , but on the other hand if i did see someone it’d be fun for 2 seconds and again in no time its over the days done ..

    i got more but thats basically it ….

  • RC

    I have been in a chronic, 24/7 head fog of terror, dread and impending oblivion for over 2.5 years now. I have been seeing a therapist THREE TIMES A WEEK this whole time and I’m still no better. I’m scared to death all the time, and I experience the world as if I’m wearing a diving bell.

    I don’t know why this has happened to me and there doesn’t seem to be any answers anywhere from anyone. I seem to be alive simply to suffer immense pain with no discernible reason.

    To quote a poster above, I am never OK, and I don’t know why.

  • L

    I feel alone when I am depressed. I want to be alone because I feel guilty for exposing others to negative feelings I cannot explain or control. At my worst moments I feel like I am a burden on the Earth, wasting resources and contributing nothing. Death seems like the only solution to what I feel. I wish that no one knew me so that I could kill myself without making others sad. I feel the same as others here, I dont want to live although I cannot kill myself. WTF. At times I hate the world and feel like everyone is living a false life.I hope I make it past this without hurting anyone’s feelings.

  • Joey

    I just feel so heavy, my body feels as if blood stopped flowing through it for a while now, i feel kind of like a corpse. I want to thank society for this happening to me. I just want you all to know that its the society we live in thats doing this to us, this is not natural. I just know one day in the future I will get better, and I will not be living in this society but in a more rational way than this silly society humans have created.

  • shannon

    I feel numb. I get out of bed in the morning because I know my husband expects it. All I want to do is sleep. Everything seems difficult—little things like brushing my teeth and hair feel arduous. I don’t want to be around other people. I cringe from my friends. Just attending a social function physically hurts—I have to escape to another room or outside to make my skin stop crawling. I have so little energy that I feel like I could fall asleep standing, like a horse. Everyone around me seems to be moving at eighty miles an hour while I stumble through a sea of gelatin. I know it wasn’t always like this, but I can’t remember feeling normal or competent or whole or anything. I can’t feel anything but the overwhelming numbness. I am a hollow tree or a frozen landscape, something empty and barren, something dead–a waxwork of the person I distantly remember being.

  • D

    I think the holiday season is the time when depression hits me the hardest. I used to be so busy, running around buying and delivering gifts, trying to get something for everyone. Now, I just feel dread. I hate the shopping crowds and hope I don’t run into someone I know because I just don’t feel like socializing and I’m simply not the same person my friends may have known. I hate trying to put on an act of enjoying the season like everyone else. It makes me so sad to see everyone else having a good time and seeing couples at the mall. It just reminds me of my loneliness and what I once longed for, but now can’t even fathom having. The impending new year which used to represent a fresh start, now only makes me want to put an end to everything so I won’t find myself one year later feeling no better and wishing I hadn’t had to go through this torture again.

  • Layla Molloy

    Who dares to tread in the wake of my sorrow
    Joy comes to visit, always it’s gone tomorrow

    Tomorrow always is too soon, so it’s hard to enjoy today
    If tomorrow would just die, I’d get up from where i lay

    Ungrateful is what I am, not to smile at my visitor
    Instead i grumble and I moan, when I open up the door

    Why do you come at all? Just to leave again tomorrow.
    Just go and don’t come back, I’m distrustful, you ought to know.

    But it’s joy who dares to tread, in the form of friends and laughter.
    And even though I’m guarded, it’s still secretly what i’m after.

  • Ike

    eating has been a major problem for me, can’t sleep normal at night each time i think of coming to office i would wish sumtin bad happens to me to make me avoid coming to d office. sometimes i go to d office on weekend to clear my outstanding i end up looking at the work and before u knw it, its late and i pack my things and go. The truth is i feel disconnected from God and until i connect back to him i won’t be able to get myself.

  • roger

    At my worst I feel like empty space. I have dreams and goals. I have a social circle. I have a job to go to (30 years and counting) and at 55 years of age I have sole guardianship of a 10 year old boy.
    I have an up to date and current relationship with God.
    I am wll to familiar with the gloomies and gray days.
    SO,,,where is happiness and joy??!!

  • JasonZ

    Depression for me feels like I am on a runaway train headed for the end of the track. I have lost all hopes and feelings. I feel I have nothing left to give to this world. The only reason I am still here is because of my family. I would crush my parents and children when I leave this world. Everyday is a complete struggle and most nights I wish I would just die in my sleep. My breathing is extremely labored and I have lost my appetite. I wish someone would commit me so I don’t do something soon. I don’t know how much more of this I can take. I know I love my Wife, Children and Parents but I just can’t feel it anymore. Please God help me.

  • DebbieDowner

    Depression…every day is a constant battle. My thoughts are my worst enemy. Every morning I force myself to get out of bed. After 12 hours of sleep I am still exhausted. Every minute of the day I “put on a smile” while wishing I could hide in a dark corner all by myself. I find myself hating the people that love me most. I find more peace on a gloomy, cloudy, & rainy day than a warm & sunny one because I feel the rest of the world is finally “on the same page as me.” I rationalize my constant thoughts of death as just curiosity. It is a burden to carry on a conversation with anyone because I find myself trying to stay focused rather than actually listening. I am forgetful. I feel worthless. I don’t “live” but merely “exist.” I have lost all enthusiasm and feel hopeless trying to find it. Every conversation is an “act” of what I should be feeling. I compare my life to a bottomless pit, a black hole. I’m reckless because we all die someday anyways. Every day I get closer and closer to completely losing myself in a way that is never retrievable. I see happiness but don’t feel it. My emotions are monotone, I try so hard to just cry one tear but its impossible, I’m afraid I may never feel sadness or anger ever again…let alone happiness. I settle for what my life has become because it’s too hard and hopeless to full fill my life’s dreams and goals. I bottle up my feelings and thoughts to prevent anyone from the outside world to know what’s really going on in my head….and unfortunately get away with it. I am too proud to ask for help. I am screaming on the inside searching for a moment of peace and happiness…how I use to be. I wonder how much longer I can put on this act until my loved ones give up on me. I can’t make the simplest decisions. I am no longer afraid of the dark shadows of the night because they reflect my emotions and in a strange way make me feel less alone. Cigarettes and alcohol begin to look awfully friendly at times. I just want to escape.

  • Kait

    Depression feels like a weight is crushing your chest, and you want to cry all the time, but can’t. All you want to do is curl into a ball and cry. You can’t keep friends because you bother them and you feel like they’ve completely rejected you. You’d sleep all day if you could. You’re disappointed every time you wake up, because you have to face another day.

  • Tracy

    Depression feels like living a bad dream from which you can’t wake up.

    Everything feels “off”, different, distorted, skewed.

    Life is very dark, as if living inside a solid black box with no lights.

    Nothing tastes the same, looks the same, feels the same, sounds the same.

    My thoughts are muddled and foggy.

    Often anything sensory is a huge irritant (touch, sound, sight, etc) and its easier to just stay in bed with a pillow over my head.

    Feelings of worthlessness and hopelessness overwhelm me even on the best days.

    Some days I just can’t stop crying.

    My family tells me that I am the only one who can change my “attitude” and that I could feel better if I would just try. That makes me feel even worse.

  • Jordan

    I’m fifteen and I have depression and anxiety. I’m a loser, I’m in the loser group at school and I’m irritaited and everyone and everything. I’m get jumpy and anxious about the slightest thing like who am I gonna sit next to in english? I think about suicide and I cut myself. My so-called “friends” tell me its all in my head and that I’m just an attention-seeker. I cry every day, sometimes in class, about NOTHING! I just can’t stop crying. I think about death all the time. My parents don’t believe me and neither do my friends. I just want someone to love me and see the struggle I’m going thru instead of just asking me, “Why don’t you smile?” WTF am I supposed to say? “Oh, it’s because I’m depressed and I think I’m a useless waste of space on earth. T’hat’s why!”

    Depression runs thru my family. I think it’s been building ever since my grandfather passed away a few months ago. He had severe depression and died of cancer. I think my guilt of never talking to him enough is the cause of depression, not just the pain of never having a friend who thinks I’m cool enough.

    I just want out in this world.

  • Broken Hearted

    I feel some symptons of depression. Sometimes I feel very depressed, hopeless, and it’s all because of a broke up. I still love her so much, i miss her so much… sometimes i find myself trying to move on but carrying on a conversation with another girl is a struggle. It doesnt feel right… I wish from all of my heart that i can heal someday and i also wish all of you folks there strength to carry on. I hope we all heal from this and start feeling that happiness.

  • J

    These comments ring true.

    I’m here because it is that time of the cycle for me. I recognize that the deep depression comes about once a month and stays for a couple of days.
    During this time, I feel empty; my eyes are dry; my heart hurts; it feels like there is a hole in my soul; it hurts and I just want it to stop. I don’t want to do anything nor can I think of anything that I want to do – not a thing in the whole world.

    I try to avoid everything but if stressed, even a little, feel like snapping. The snapping is way overboard for the offense.

    It is getting worse as I hit my mid-30s; it runs in my family and I’m trying to beat it. Exercise; no alcohol or cigs; a good diet; setting short term goals seem to help me.

  • Jaime

    I stopped my meds 2 weeks ago because I am trying to get pregnant. I feel angry I want everybody to just understand that there is only one fix for my problem and that is to be back on meds which is not an option right now. I feel like everyone has forgotten who I am and thinks of me now as some horrible monster that they have to fear setting off. I feel like everyone I talk to thinks that they are some kind of counselor that has to fix poor broken me and thats how I feel is broken. I feel like if I say or do anything right now it has the potential to irreversably destroy all of the good relationships that I had prior to discontinuing my meds. I feel panicked and angry and frustrated and sad and powerful and defeated all in one breath. I feel resentful that you can’t possibly know how I feel and angry that you pretend to think you know what I need. I feel like a trapped animal in a corner but ready to defend my life against any pain when there is no predator in sight. That is what depression feels like to me.

  • David

    I’m in my mid-twenties and feel completely worthless. There are times that I want to climb a tall structure and just jump to my death. Each day is its own hell and I just can not find an escape. So much anxiety, fear, and overall malaise is constantly lurking. I am unemployed at this time and feel that I am a burden on my parents. Everyday I curse God for making me such a wretched individual.

  • Ariel

    when I was in the worst of my depression.. I felt like every miniute I was drowning.. but somehow still breathing and still alive.
    It was like caring so much about every little thing.. but not.. the energy to get up just to pick up around the house or go to the store was difficult. I truley felt I was unlovable.. that the only reason I was put on earth was to be stepped on and take out their frusterations on.
    It felt like gravity was heavy, like there were weights making me exhausted to walk.
    It was sleeping all day and awake all night.. I lost control of time.. it all just seemed to be one big blur of nothingness. and suicide became an option..
    im glad I am out of that now.. although Im not happy, im out of what I felt..

  • patricia

    Oh my gosh, the “Patty” who wrote that above could be me. I had to look at the date to see if I possible wrote it and forgot I did. It is exactly how I feel. I read one person describe it as “walking under water” and that’s exactly how it feels. Everything is an effort.

  • Patty

    I’m so tired of being tired. I want to be something other than what I am. Constantly tired, rarely leaving bed. Not leaving the house unless I absolutely have to. Feeling so old before my time and like life is a waste. Planning that tomorrow will be the day that I get out of bed and start a new life, but tomorrow never comes. I spent nearly the entire winter last year in bed and this year looks like history will repeat itself. I often think, why are good worthy people getting cancer and dying? While I don’t even respect my life enough to get out of the f-ing bed. What’s wrong with me? When will I get my life back, will I ever? I do know that I want to be a productive member of society and I want to feel like I have a purpose and a life worth living. God help me.

  • Annie

    I’m not sure if I’m depressed. I guess i’m hoping I’m not. I feel like it would be such a dissappointment to my parents, and such a waste of talent on my part. I wish I could be normal. I feel normal. I feel ridiculous just writing this now. But at the same time, I know something isn’t right. I know feeling like life isn’t worth living is wrong. I know thinking about dying or killing myself is seriously wrong. And I know that sometimes, I feel like I can’t get out, and like it’s all my fault, and sometimes when I’m alone I’ll just look off into space and cry, not really thinking about anything at all. I tell myself sometimes that maybe if I were in a car accident or if I was hurt, people would care. I wouldn’t be alone. And people would realize that they’d miss me if I were gone. I wish I didn’t feel like this. But if that’s depression, than I’ve got it. I wish luck to anyone who has depression. It seems like a terrible thing to have. I hope I don’t have it. But i know i probably do, and I also know i’m not going to do one thing about it/

  • Chris L

    First off, for everyone here, I beg you to not give up. Depression is a temporary phase, and with counseling and medication you will get better I promise.

    I have also crashed into the deepest darkest depression, where the world becomes frightening, noises, colors, everything is spinning, and I feld left behind. I feld hopeless, slow, dumb, and weak. Stopped taking care of myself. I considered suicide daily. After taking anti-d’s I got better, but it soon sent me into a mania, and I now know I am bipolar. Its taken a lot of doctors visits and counseling but I am back on my feet and got a good job. I am so blessed. My prayers are with you all. Hang in there!

  • M.S.

    Ive been this way most of my life. Im either frozen with fear even when there is nothing to fear, or im circling an abyss, desperately trying to hold on and stay out of it. Its cold and hateful. Im somehow less of a person than those around me. Escaping to other worlds mentally (books, computer games) helps, until I have to stop, then like a dam bursting it all comes back.
    Meds help, but it never really goes away.

  • M.G.

    I’ve tried to kill myself three times in the past four days. I went outside in the pouring rain and stood on the edge of a pond contemplating jumping in. I cry every day. I don’t want to sleep and I don’t want to wake up. I shake constantly.
    I feel like I don’t love my boyfriend of 9 months and have been pulling away from him. I’m not sure if this is just the depression or not. I dwell on horrible thoughts and listen to depressing music and watch suicide scenes from films. I know it’s bad for me to do, but I can’t help it. I feel like there’s nowhere to turn and I just don’t want to be alone. I don’t know what would happen if I was alone.
    I want to die, but I’m afraid of dying.

    This is what depression feels like. Nobody should ever wish this on anybody else. It’s the worst feeling in existence.

  • k.

    to me depression is a huge dark room with no light and you can stumble around trying to find your way out but it’s pointless, nothing you can do will get you out of it, so eventually you just curl up on the floor and stare into the nothingness. i’m depressed, but i don’t want to admit it or have to get meds for it. i used to be ‘perfect’- perfect grades, good friends, never doing anything bad- now i’ve fallen. it comes in cycles, and last year wasn’t so bad, but i can feel this one coming on and i don’t know if i’m going to survive. i don’t want to live like this for the rest of my life, how many times do i have to go through this? try to be strong, everyone.

  • Zeinab

    It feels as if I am different. No one understands me. I hate seeing people smile. I never cry in funerals but cry for mere things. I think darkness is my only friend. I feel accompanied by the stinging of my eyes when I cry. I feel like I have already given up on life. I have been writing many suicidal stories, but I feel like there won’t be an end. Hopelessness is all there’s left.

  • conor

    I don’t feel like anythng is real, EVER. Even when writing this It doesn’t really make sence to me. Like It’s a robot typing and I can only see it happening.

    it’s hard to tell, but i think sometimes my mind goes blank for hours. It happens all the time like when I get out of the shower I said on my bed for maybe 1 hour without thinking and then end up late for college.

    I never go out anywhere, and nothing makes mme exictd, except gambling…. and that dies down when I lose money. Once £1000 in a day. that was not a good day.

    i dont sleep at night either, only in the day or maybe 4am or something. and always tired like eveyone else here.

    im only 17, i really hope i dont have this forever, if i knew it would i may aswell end it…

    I have pretty disgusting OCD aswell, which means i cant touch anything outside my room, hug my mum (which makes me really sad) and gives me panic attacks along with tons of other things…

    the biggest thing is nothing feels real, like im always in a dream and i dont remember anythig ive done the day before or week before… i dont know

    Sorry if i havent made much sence, i tend not to when i talk thats why i have no social life.

  • Molly

    This is the second time I can remember that I’ve gone through this horror. The first time I was about 12 or 13 in middle school and getting teased or beaten up every day. Now I’m grown, I’m 23 years old and it’s come back even worse, it’s like being in a hell especially made for me. My parents think i’m lazy and worthless and I don’t blame them. They have given me everything that they could and I’ve just wasted it. I had private school, a car, and slowly I just fucked everything up and I know the rest of my life is just going to be unbearable. I would rather die than dissapoint my parents or humiliate them and since I’ll end up on the streets anyways(just like my mother says) I would rather kill myself than subject them to that kind of humiliation. These days I feel so worthless, I feel like I’m nothing, like I have a big VOID sign stuck onto me. I’m not even sure if I want to go on living like this for the rest of my life, the thought just seems unbearable. I can’t sleep at night anymore and every day I think about dying and death. Every single day of my life. The only person still keeping me here is my grandfather, 87 years old and when he goes I know I’ll just snap. I wouldn’t wish this on even my worst enemy and I can’t believe that this…..this living nightmare has come back a second time. If this is what my life is going to be like, me being alone and always this unhappy then I don’t want to deal with it anymore.

  • baby face

    i feel like everythan i du makes thigs worst and i push all ma friends away and family i dont talk to any one about ma problems because i feel that they dont care about them.i put a smile on ma face to hide all the pain inside.im tired of crying i just dont no what to do with ma life anymore.i just fell if i die it will make everyone happy and it will end all the pain and suffering.i dont ha anyone to talk to or tell ma problems to im just trapped in this paifull body with no way out

  • andy

    this is what made me depressed..i used to play vidio games(Call of duty)for like 8 hours aday and every time i died in the game i would get mad,yell,scream and one day i went to a party smoked weed and got drunk and usually i dont smoke or drink after that night i was never the same
    this is how i feel now
    in the begging i wanted to hurt everyone and my self but thank god that kinda went away
    *like a dream nothing seems real everything looks fake
    *i laugh i smile but it seems fake
    *i dont love anyone
    *lost of interests
    *sleep for 12 hours plus
    *loss os short term memory loss
    *cant concentrate as well
    *my brain cant really think as it did before try to do this promblem in ur had 93-7 i bet u dont know it or it will take some time
    *have trouble to talk small
    *No emotions at all
    *cant controll my temper
    *dont feel hopefull happy and suicede is like the only way out
    i hopes this helps so you can tell ur docter and wish u all the BEST good luck and never give up u will pass this and u will be happy that u didnt kill urself im still fighting this it has been 4 months now once again good luck to u all

  • Joseph

    For me, I just don’t care anymore. I stopped doing anything other than waking up, going to work, and coming home. I put on the smile when its required, but its fake and feels fake. I am a leaf upon the waves, not caring where I go, just existing from one day to the next.

  • soul deep wounds

    Depression is like cancer to your soul. I have felt most of the things described in the article for the past 5 years. The only time I don’t feel like this is when I’m away far away from home and work or drunk. I took a 8 week holiday and felt the excitement about life as I did as a child.

    Major changes and involvement in different activities I feel may help me. Well I hope so as I’m moving to another state in 2011 for a fresh start. I hate feeling the way I do day in day out. I don’t want to face people !!

  • Joseph

    Depression/anxiety often go hand and hand. I went through a six month period of absolute hell; very little sleep, and what I did have was filled with nightmares. I worried about everything and felt totally worthless to God and man. Now, my depression comes and goes, but is manageable. I want to share with all of you some things that really helped me.

    1. take captive every thought to make it obedient to Christ.” (2 Corinthians 10:5). This is not always easy to do, but makes a BIG difference. Realize that negative thinking is a feeding ground for Depression (or as I call it, Misery).
    2. Get Help! Someone to talk to make a big difference, if you don’t have anyone, contact a local Christian Church and aske for help.
    3. Don’t isolate your self.
    4. It can and Will pass!
    5. Keep a journal and write down exactly how you feel. Don’t hold back. Note the things/situations that make you feel worse, but also the ones that make you feel better! Try to write in it everyday.
    6. We all get depressed sometimes, but clinical depression is extra nasty. But you are not alone, Don’t give in to it!!
    7. Pray to God to give you relief and strength, pray open and honestly to him. Let him know how you feel!
    8. If you have trouble with anxiety or poor sleep ask your Doctor about Xanax or similar treatment to give yourself a break and get some rest.
    9. Remember, this WILL pass!
    10. Find someone that you can help and show love and care for, look outside of yourself, and see how you can make a difference to other people.

    Don’r Give Up!!!!!!!

    Joe

  • Mari

    Depression can affect you in many ways. The most common are already listed. Many peoples depression is about his or her love life. Love is a strong emotion that can affect you in many ways. When you feel as if your loveless or you have no feelings at all, you may feel suicidal many times. Cutting of the arms and wrist are common, drowning attempts, burning or some just severe injury. Your style may change into a more ‘blah’ fashion. And you don’t give effort into trying to succeed anymore.

  • Star

    I have had major depression for many years and I was taking Zoloft which worked pretty well for me. About a year ago I found out I have hypothyroidism and I have been taken medication for that. But now my major depression has come back worse than it ever was, and Zoloft or any other medication that I have tried is not working anymore. I don’t know if there is a connection with my thyroid problem and depression. My last thyroid test was normal. I feel soo sick everyday. My body aches all the time and I don’t have any energy at all. All I want to do is sleep. I hate my life and it just doesn’t seem worth living if I have to live like this. I don’t know what I am going to do if I can’t get the right medication to make me feel better. I just know that I cannot keep going on like this.

  • Phil

    I’ve started seeing depression as an ocean of dark cold water. And I’m a bird, sometimes able to stay above the water, in the warm air and sun, but other times, I fall under the waves, where it’s cold and dark. The wetter I get, the deeper I fall into the water, until it’s black and icy cold. Somedays I can keep my head above the water, somedays I can fly – and be happy, warm and free. I fear falling back down, I fear changing medication because I know the water is waiting down there.

  • jenNy

    i wake up every day and i just want to die. nothing gives me
    pleasure anymore. i never go out the house, trying to hide myself from those people of my past including classmates and admirers back then, coz i feel like they may now judge me for being not pretty like i was before. i got thinner because i feel like i dont want to eat. my head is blown. my family get on my nerves and i just want to curl up
    and sleep and never wake up. i’m so tired. yet no amount of sleep can
    take the tiredness and lethargy away. i think about my death all the
    time. i feel such a failure and useless. what is the point in living?

  • jenNy

    i am now 18 yrs old. my depression started when i was still in 3rd yr highschool, so about 3 years ago, i was broken hearted by someone who really didnt even know i like him. i have a lot of admirers back then. but then little by little my life is ruined. i go cutting at school, and then as the time passed i became unsociable, lucky i still have my bestfriend but i dont see her now anymore because i dont go out the house. i just go out the house only when malling, or going to church. now im supposed to be 2nd yr. college. but because i feel like i really need to relax and chill about life and also got lots of failed and dropped subjects and so i stop college. i though i will be able to treat this depression of mine if i stay at home. but then my life became more miserable, my family wanted me to still go to college but i cant tell them that my mind is so ruined and complicater. they got totally mad at me and now it feels worse to hear stupid and bad things from them, saying im stupid, worthless person, dumb, im crazy and lots of other bad words. and now, everynight i go cry in my bed, thinking why did this all happened in me. i want to go back 3 years ago when my life is still in peace with no worries, not being parannoid of everything. some pls build a time machine 🙁

  • jenNy

    ive been really depressed. all the symptoms are positive in me. everyday seems like living in hell. my life is ruined. my family is crap. my lovelife is crap. and my school life is ruined too. i feel like i want to die. everything seems wrong. 🙁

  • SW

    I just hate feeling like this. Hope these anti depressants make me feel better. Today is the start of my third week. I have noticed a slight difference in my mood, but mostly during the day. Insomnia and clenching of my teeth at night are a few of the side effects from the drugs. I also get tremors in the early hours of the morning. At night it knocks me hard. I will get in my car and just take a drive around the block or just take a walk through a shopping mall. Just to get a change of scenery Driving around I constantly feel judged by everyone. I find it very difficult expressing the way I feel. At the moment I feel unloved even though I know I have people around me that love me. I overanalyze every situation. I sometimes cannot control my “don’t care attitude”. I realized I needed help after I didn’t pay one of my bills (even thought I could afford to). Just thinking it’s too much of a bother. Scrapping energy together to drive down to a supermarket just to pay a bill was a clear indicator. I am in a severe state of depression. At first I thought it was my relationship but then looking back my depression was the cause of the breakup. I started cutting myself of from the rest of the world, one person at a time, finding it more and more difficult to make small talk. I think my ex girlfriend felt unloved. Don’t really blame her. She still makes contact every now and then. I actually feel extremely sad for how I am currently treating her. Trying to get her to stop contacting me even thought I miss her. I just find it very difficult dealing with that reality. I don’t think she will ever be capable of understanding this. If something bothered me instead of facing the reality I moved the problem out of my life. If something threatened my reality I would get upset. I think my self esteem has been shot down by the depression. It is really sad how people just don’t get depression; they think it makes you weak and uncanny. Actually dealing with depression is one of the most difficult things you can do. You cannot talk to 99% of people because they think it’s something you can just snap out of or fix with a few drinks or something. That’s the sad part the stigma associated with depression. I have done weeks and weeks of reading, studied the medication, studied relationships and just watched and listened to people. What are keeping me alive are the people in my life, the odd SMS and the facebook comments. Thank God I realized that it was not something I could deal with on my own. As difficult as it was I did speak to specific people that where mature and intelligent enough to give me advice. I know there is hope. I just need to break free. The most difficult part is time. Good luck to everybody. Never stop, never give up.

  • Tiyana

    I am 15 years old, and I have had depression since 4th grade! But, recently, it has been getting violent, constantly thinking about killing myself, everything is dark and I don’y feel anything, I can’t even walk outside by myself, I’m so afraid all the time and I feel like I am dreaming and nothing is real, at all! This is all a dream I can’t wake from it feels like, nothing seems real or touchable. It’s even worse when I’m alone though, I feel like something is going to attack me and I constantly think I have cancer or I’m going blind. I really truly think that…and I don’t know why, but, I’m scared and I feel alone, will this ever pass?

  • Katie

    I loved your list…I never identified with the eating/sleeping stuff list – I was one of the ones who couldn’t get out of bed, but I just had “stuff I had to think about before I got started”…until my 4th grade daughter had to come and beg me to get up. The “impending doom” and the “suddenly surrounded by really irritating people” were much more central to my problems, and are still my bellweather symptoms to tell me I need to adjust my meds or just be more aware of my state of mind. Excellent resource!

  • Aaron

    18 years of depression.

    To me it feels like all the following below.

    *like nothing in the world is as it should be.

    *Everything feels morally wrong.

    *I don’t know the real me (since i’ve been depressed as i could only describe as from birth.

    *Depression feels like it has it’s own personalty and is the person in control of my body.

    *Like there is no point in tomorrow because it will end in two ways.. it will fade as a usuless memory or be remembered for the only memorys you have.. (bad or no emotion at all)

    *Social phobia

    *Axiety

    *Crying at things normally people can handle

    *being extra sensative and get REALLY annoyed by people when they say ‘it was only a joke’ because you know they have never felt the pain or have the self doubt you have in yourself and they act like it’s nothing

    *Or feeling annoyed at people who say they are depressed or say ‘Kill me’ over something so silly and it’s like a 10 second sadness they have. Nothing compaired to how long you have had depression.

    *Feeling like everyone is so dumb and think they are a waste of space

    *Feeling like no one ever understands

    *Finding it annoying when people tell you to be happy or tell you that your angry or sad.. (yeah no s*it sherlock)- again with thinking their really dumb.

    *Feeling like your closed in your comfort zone (bedroom) or (house)

    *Feeling like your being watched (paranoya)

    *Feel like depression is a dark energy in you that is progressing with every word a person speaks

    .. so may more and i’m sure these are probably meaningless because i can’t explain ANYTHING at all because of depression making me have social phobia so not talking to hardly anyone..

    Ohhhh and another feeling of it is feeling like you don’t want to chang because you feel like you have a good aspect on life seeing things that others don’t and being scared to be helped with pills or something because you don’t kow if you’ll become a completely different person or be like everyone else..

    This has helped a tiny bit of expressing what i feel of depression in my own opinion
    even if this doesn’t get posted

    hmm :/ i’m meant to be phoning the doctor about it tomorrow.. hopefully depression won’t hold me back or make me fear help again this time.

  • Tiffany

    I am a 20 years old mother of 2.and my untreated depression has ruined my life.I cannot stop the feelings of my fiance cheating and it has affected our realationship to almost ending.Some times i think of giveing my kids to my mother just to keep them safe from seeing my emotions because all i can do is cry all day long.I feel that if I cant get it in control i will lose all 3 of them.I get so mad at everyone around me for no reasons at all.I just cant stop myself from being lost in my thoughts and reliveing all my tragaties again and again. Depression has ruined my whole life.

  • Chris

    I just wish I could live in my dreams. My life is so nice and I’m happy in my dreams. I wake up and I’m immediately sad. I just know that life is a pit of wasted efforts. I’m never happy. Mostly because this world is a terrible place. My main problem is I’m empathetic towards everything and everyone, so sadness just flows through my veins.

  • Gone with the wind

    There were various dot points to which i fully understood, and am experiencing.
    I feel like i live my life behind a glass window, wishing, pondering, hoping that one day i would regain the strength to break the glass.
    Days are hazy, dark and forgotten, words are mumbled and unclear and your existence is unacknowledged and insignificant to the rest of the world.
    NOBODY listens, let me put that out there.
    I spend nights tossing and turning in a damp, salty bed. I’ve given up on tissues- its a waste of trees.
    I would like to say, thanks to the 300 something people who have shared their thoughts and experiences, made me realise that i’m not doing this alone.

    Good luck, chin up 🙁

  • rebecca

    i have basically every one of those symptoms written there. I have problems but ont any specific that make me feel this way, been trying to work out why but I can’t but I feel alone and get annoyed cause noone seems to understand how bad It is, and I Am scared also too scared to go to doctor and tell her this kinda stuff when I hardly know her. so Dont know what to Do. I can’t even explain how I feel but all the above comments are definitely true and I lash out At small things and then cry

  • hanke ertew

    for me everything is going great i am doing very well in school, i got into the college of my choice, I just got a car, also i just got a new job, and i am reaching huge goals i set for myself. but within this last year i just feel sad all the time any more
    by being sad i piss myself off because i have everything going for me but it feels like i was meant for something else. help would be great if anyone has advice.

  • Kristen

    One month from today marks year 4 since one of my best friends in college died in a car accident. I feel I’m on the edge of severe depression. It’s as if there’s a really dark cloud living inside of me and no matter where I go, no matter how happy I feel at a time, that happiness is fleeting. I ALWAYS feel the presence of depression. I try not to focus on it because I’ll have an anxiety attack. I hate living in constant stats of anxiety. I hate living life feeling detached, just going through the motions. I tell myself every day that tomorrow will be better, that I will FEEL better the next day. When that day comes, I don’t feel better. I have lost the hope of feeling better. I honestly don’t remember what it feels like to not have this gloom inside of me. Sometimes I feel crazy. I feel that way to the point where I actually tell myself I’m not ACTUALLY crazy. I still feel it though. I feel like people can see the dark cloud inside of me when they are by me or near me. I don’t want to be fake but if I show who I am with depression no one will want to be around me. I don’t want to be around anyone anyway. I only want to lay in bed, turn on some soft music, and rest. Quiet. Alone. Deep breathing. No one there to judge me for sleeping so much.

    I just don’t feel RIGHT.

  • joseph

    I started feeling my depression come along when I was 14. I’m 17 now and things have only gotten worse. I have mental thoughts about how I’ve failed in my past years, in school, sports, relationships, my family, and life in general. At school all I can ever think about is how if I don’t keep trying I’ll always be a failure. And as hard as I try I never seem to impress anyone or progress. All my school friends have started to neglect me, like I don’t exist or as if I was the loser of the group. I’m never invited to hangout anymore, so I just sit at home all day either smoking, or outside skateboarding by myself or with an acquaintance. Skateboarding and smoking are really the only things that help me bypass all my problems. But when the drugs wear off or i come home i feel useless to everyone. My parents always argues, scold me about school, compare me to siblings, talk about how they work all day and i just sit on my ass doing nothing, even that not being the case because I help out in the house all the time and expect no reward. my mom constantly says if i don’t do better she’ll leave me with my dad. Who is emotionally dead to me. Whenever I talk with him its always two sentences, or a meaningless “hey dad” and no response from him. He also loathes the fact that I smoke which is probably why he dislikes me. My mom always talks to me about how we’re barely able to pay bills and how its a “sacrifice” to lend me 5 dollars or so for anything including food. Her saying that makes me feel like I burden her by asking for anything. I usually save my lunch money to buy pot to pass the weekend and then return to school with nothing new in my life. I can’t afford anything which stops me from being social and hanging out with my so called “friends” at the mall, movies, or ect… another thing that makes me feel depression is that I haven’t had luck with any girls in months. every time i start to feel like someone understands me or that we could possibly be, something bad happens, nothing specific but bad things just happen and I end up not speaking the girl ever again becoming complete strangers, like we all are. I’ve also started to see everyone as a “fake”. All their thoughts and emotions that they portray to me seem “made-up”. I never take anyone seriously when they speak to me about being good friends because deep down I feel like its all an act. My tastes for food have also gotten strange. I barely eat because all the food I look at seems dull and prolongs my emptiness… about a year ago I was hit by a car. After that day I’ve wondered “if I would have died that day” would it have mattered? would anyone have remember me? or would I be gone in every ones memory within the week?” I just feel like there’s no point to the whole process called life. We’re all just coincidence, and that there is no god. And thinking about all these things drive me crazy and sometimes I can;t even cry because I know it does nothing.. because no one hears me… no one actually tries to help me out or talk to me about my problems. They all see a happy skater kid who always smiles. One of my friends also pointed out that I never look depress because I’m always smiling. And to me, when I smile I feel as though my lips are the only thing on my face moving and the rest is an emotionless mess. The only reason I never speak out about this is because the truth causes too many problems, and every one has too many of those so why would I burden them with mine. So I try to spread a good vibe.. but its all started to blow up in my face, and I can’t handle it much more…

  • Lerina

    Although… I am happy, content, all the things it takes to be whole. It’s now a 55% vote, the depression team sure to lose. Dont stop until YOU are president, so to speak. I hope you understand my meaning.

  • Lerina

    what about depersonalisation and derealisation, what sucked is i was being abused at home, and THEY took me to doctors, for ADD of course, I was helpless. I didn’t even know. Even when I did, *I* had problems, *I* had to deal with them, nothing around me changed, and I felt more helpless. Why bother when horribleness surrounded me anyway…
    Even now, I’m one person on the outside and another on the inside, it’s like I’m cut off from the inside of me and there’s no getting back, there’s a whole life that I feel like I cant get to. That’s on the OUT end of depression, when I’m well capable of fighting back, I feel I’ve failed, I’ll never be free of the scars mentally and emotionally, I’ll never get my teenage years back.

  • Henro

    Depression is killing me !! Where and when is this going to end !! Will it ever go away ?? I have a wonderful wife and a beautiful little daughter. I don’t want to life anymore, it’s to hard and i’m very tired of this constant suffering. I HATE this live !! Who’s is this GOD and why is this happening to me ?? Sometimes I hate Him. I’ve been to 3 doctors and tried 5 different kinds of meds. Now what !!?? I am worn out, I just want to cry and die in my sleep. Why do we have to suffer like this? I do not deserve it. Hating my being since birth.

  • zhen

    Depression? I have lived in depression for years, some times, I feel I am going mad. LIke Virginia wolf, i always picture myself walking towards the endless darkness of water, with stones in my pocket, followed by silence….silence…What is this life about? I have no idea. I had tried to channel my energy to something I loved, teaching, dancing, but at the end of the tunnel, everything falls into pieces of silence….
    Where is me?

  • paige

    Hmmm…well I’m 19 I don’t really know who I am anymore I feel like I’m in a deep black hole I can’t escape…..past events that ripped me apart and it’s still tormenting me. I feel like shit almost everyday, the sun makes me moody I hate myself my skin just ruined my self confidence. I can’t even bring myself to look in the mirror because my face just angers me, I hate this planet this world is suffocating me not forgetting to mention the government etc..all basically full of shit, I often get anti-social had crappy people who were supposed to be my friends. Oh geeze my family do not understand! they think my depression is not SERIOUS I mean wtf!, this may sound actually will sound really fucking insane really severe I felt like killing my family actually all humans I’m not kidding but I know it’s bad for feeling this way so as long as I know it’s bad then its less likely I would be harmful towards my family and human being’s right?…..idk I have anxiety attacks I actually diagnosed it myself why? because my doctor is a total dimwit!…and anyway I feel suicidal like most of the time, my soul is suffering I can’t take it anymore…and now I don’t feel like writing at this time, I might feel up to it later on. Thanks

  • Kierra

    I am not seeing a doctor or taking anything right now but everything on this list describes me and its scarry. What makes it worse is that I am a single welfare mom who (before i had my daughter) high hopes about being so successful that i’ll never end up like this and look at me. After 5 years of trying to get my GED (Fail.) and one whole year of being turned down by jobs, not real jobs, waitressing; i personally feel hopeless right now. Its not all in my mind ONLY its whats happened to my life. I am 25 years old. Never expected this.. Cheers.

  • Sharon

    I am 22, I was diagnosed with Bipolar disorder when I was 15. I have only had one manic episode and way more depressed episodes. I thought that I was over this, I have been taking medication, but I just recently started feeling the black whole swallow me up again. It seems to happen suddenly. One day I wake up and I forgot who I am, I lost my soul. I am empty and blank. It seems like I have no thoughts going through my head, except “how am I going to get through this day”. I wake up every morning hoping it will be better than the day before, but when it isn’t I panic and start to think about killing myself in different detailed ways (hopefully the least painful). The suicidal thoughts haunt me, they just pop into my brain, and then I think about my fiance and how disturbed he would be and my parents and the rest of my family and my best friend. It really sucks because if it weren’t for them I would just do it and get it over with. I am sick of getting better and then sinking back into this depression. The worst part for me is the social phobia I get. It’s like I cannot function around people. I feel like such an idiot and I don’t know what to say when people talk to me. I have no words. Also, I feel like I am not going to be able to do my school work and my grades are going to drop and I won’t be able to get into grad school and my life will just fall into shambles. I just can’t think! Its like I have this fog over my brain and the only thing I can think of is “oh, I am so depressed! – please god help me” or “I want to die, but damn it I can’t because everyone will be sad and think I am selfish”. This depression is all consuming and I can’t talk to anyone about it because they don’t understand. All I can say is I’m depressed and then if I go into all this detail, I feel so pathetic! This website really helps to know I am not alone. Thanks all for your posts except the asshole who posted a porn link on here and the post about how we should all just kill ourselves.

  • tina

    Depression, feels like ur body hurts and u feel weak inside and the outside and u don’t think that no one loves u and cares for u, and u feel a like a loner. You don’t feel like urself anymore.

  • Ntombi

    My boyfriend died in a horrible car accident early August 2010, we were planning a house warming party on a Saturday and on a Friday he went out with his friends the next call i received was from the police telling me that he was involved in an accident, few minutes later i saw him dead on a hospital bed! my life died with him! i do not know why am still alive, am thinking about suicide everyday, i miss him so much and i cannot stop crying. i am so alone and i want to die. He was the life of my life, i miss his laugh, jokes, kisses, hugs, voice and everything!

  • Taylor

    I don’t feel like anyone could understand me. I feel that if anyone even tried they’d end up like me, and that is something that no one can allow, because I am like poison. I avoid people now. I pretend for a second here or there to make people think I’m OK. Don’t ever want anyone to know the pain I feel. I try not to look at people so as not to transmit my self hate and pain to them. I see the rest of my life living alone. Never understood. Never loved. Never anything more than someone else’s experiment gone bad – waiting only for the courage to put it to an end. When I’m alone I’m always thinking of suicide. I guess one day I’ll kill myself – I’m sorry if I will hurt anyone’s feelings or disturb them by my suicide. I’m on an anti anxiety drug, and two anti depressants, but I don’t feel anything will solve the problem.

  • Alpha

    I didn’t know that the constant sadness I felt was already depression. In my country, depression is not common.. or perhaps not popularly recognized. So we often dismiss loneliness as.. well, momentary loneliness. But I have been feeling lonely for quite a while now, about 3 months. I don’t like getting up because I know that I would only feel as sad as yesterday, if not worse. I haven’t smiled genuinely for weeks now, and I could not also cry, except when everyone was asleep. My head feels heavy, everything doesn’t seem right. I am beginning to feel that dying is the only way out. I’m scared that I wouldn’t amount to nothing and so I just want to escape having to experience being unsuccessful. I don;t know if this will pass.. I hope it will. I just want to be happy again.

  • Jenn

    During my last severe episode, I had the cymbalta ad going thru my head: “Depression hurts!” The last episode was so severe- worse than I’d ever experienced- that I actually did physically hurt. Part of the reason was that I could not sleep for 3 days straight. My body ached and was weary. My eyes burned. I managed to go to work, but I really don’t know how; I burst into tears at any given time. I sobbed- actual, heaving sobs- on the train. Ugh. I had urges to bang into walls and trees, or bite/scratch/cut myself, just so I would be able to tell if I was still alive (thankfully I did not do any of these things).

  • James

    what’s weird about me is that I am 14 years old and I think I have depression, but I act really happy around people and nobody really suspects anything wrong. I am just wondering if I am making this up in my head, do I really have anything wrong with me? I just don’t know if I am suppose to feel like this? Usually I feel down at night, the darkness and silence creeps up on me and I feel I am aging too fast and nobody cares. Like if I died (hypotheticly) would anyone notice at school? I get this feeling in my stomach and I feel like life is passing me by. Does anyone else felt like this before?

  • Liza

    I have suffered with anxiety and ocd for the last ten years, my father died a year ago and i think now all of a sudden it has hit me. Its almost like i have been removed from myself and i am questioning and observing everything about my own mind and personality. i feel as if i am going mad. i dread waking up in the morning as i know i will feel it all over again, every day is a constant struggle and i have it in my mind i wont live for very long at all. I have irrational thoughts of killing myself or loved ones and it literally cripples my entire body to the point where i am physically sick. nothing makes me happy anymore, even family who once meant the world to me now just make me angry. I have lost ‘me’ i am alien to myself and i dont think i will feel normal again, i have this vision of doing awful things to others or myself and the outcome. My head constantly hurts, my stomach constantly burns and i feel as if no one can possibly understand this feeling that something awful will happen, i just want me back and i dont think that will ever happen. i live my life in fear and dread, this isnt living. i dont want to die but im afraid to live like this anymore, i didnt know a human being could feel so bad, does it ever end? help anyone please give me a response if you know, i cant do this anymore, and for all of you who have posted on here, try to hang in there, we’re in this together, i hope for us all we find some kind of normality again.

  • Jason

    I was working for the government. I had a lot of great people working with me and a few really evil ones that were in charge of me. They deceived me at every opportunity and also wrote bad evaluations for me because it became obvious that I was getting frustrated and not because of actual job performance. They were constantly setting me up for failure. Needless to say, I made a stupid mistake and they were the first in line to get me fired. This has been about a half of year now. The thoughts keep replaying in my mind when awake, when trying to fall asleep, and during dreams. This haunts me so badly. I have tried anti-anxiety meds from the VA but had an adverse reaction after several days into treatment. I am fighting my termination and have a lawyer via my membership that does not seem to be doing his job nor does it seems that he cares.I know I am depressed. My eyes feel heavy and I seem to get sick easier, am achy have heavy eyes, and am fatigued. I have tried just about everything and it seems like time and patience is the only cure. I just feel so badly for my kids and wife. I just have not been myself for such a long time. Thankfully, I finally got a job but which had been very difficult since my previous employer had smeared me so badly that no one wanted to hire me. This has been the hardest thing I have ever gone through. I just know I have to hang in there and move on.. It just seems so hard to do. It is like insanity. They have tried to destroy me and have almost succeeded.

  • marie

    The worst part for me is even if one day it went away i don’t think i could be happy because of the knowledge of what these ten years of my life have felt like.. it’s as if being robbed of your life. i forgot what emotions feel like, it’s like everything has been numbed down to non-existence, the only feeling that even comes close to actually being felt is anger.. i’m angry, at people, at god – what’s the point, is this some kind of messed up test… i don’t care.. i have no dreams, what my family think are dreams are things i’ve chosen to preoccupy myself with, to distract myself from this. everything is artificial and soulless and pointless. every second is stretched out to eternity of boredom. i feel like i can’t breathe and haven’t been able to breathe for a long time.. i just want it to end already… we should all earn awards for best acting ever having to put on a happy face to please everyone around like nothing is wrong.. like every second of our life isn’t agony

  • L. Lavilla

    (sorry But I want to write again.) when my mom would ask me what’s wrong with me I would say, I’m fine… but I know that’s a complete lie. I have a question for you. Have you ever tried to force yourself never to cry even when it comes to a point you try to scream t anyone you see? well if you haven’t hope you won’t meet me.

  • L. Lavilla

    even though I’m Only 13 I am going through depression. sometimes I would think about killing myself to get away/ run away from my problems. I’m not one of those kids whose parents are divorced… I’m one of those kids whose life seems perfect, but doesn’t seem to care. my parents would compare me to how great they were before they think I don’t try my best even though I’m a class officer, and an a student. I feel like if I die… I’m sure no one would care.

  • life

    I have been depressed for 4 Years now on and off…..when it first started it was the wost stage off my life …. I felt hopeless ..I had lost faith…I was very talkative and became anti social..suicial.. I hated everything I once loved people places things …I was graduating high. School and all I did was drink and cry…if I didn’t get my act together I wouldn’t have been able to graduate…because I loved some1 more then myself …and they had left mii….mii and my mom would argue all the time..in time I healed…but very soon after was broken again… the thoughts started racein…felt like the world was on my shoulder and the walls where closing… it became hard for me to breathe..and my heart would race and hurt as if sombody had stabbed mii..soon after I regain my faith life brightened for mii….slightly the suicidal thoughts are gone …though I still feel like a waste on this earth…I know that there is some people who still love and care for mii…… no maTter how many times I’ve taken my anger out on them… they are still here…so when I get in my depression I jus tell myself everthing will be fine…and slowly but surely it its …first my heart….then breathin…then the walls..Remember you are not alone we are all holding the wieght of the world …I hope I helped u guys out ..and jus remember IN TIME WILL HEAL …if I’m wrong then donald isn’t a duck lol : )

  • Lt. Jake

    I am really going though this to be honest i am really 13 with a horiable life and going though depression. I also think about killing my self and im in the military ( military school ) its horiable.

  • My "life"

    Nothing takes on any meaning anymore. This statement would seem meaningless for how many times its been mentioned, but I find it spot on. I question everything I am now and everything I was before. Nothing carries any certainty, and my soul seems to have left me behind. I used to fight this darkness with every ounce of effort I had. Now I have nothing left, as my efforts have amounted to nothing but my confusion. As I quit fighting this disease I came to the consensus that I was contending and fighting myself. Depression starts out with a innocent seed and grows into a formidable opponent the more we acknowledge it. I feel numb, and im empowered to get my life back. I want to be happier than I ever was. -zac

  • Jeremy

    This is exactly how I feel in every way. And I’ve tried suicide twice now and I’m almost to the point of no return. I know my life is good in comparison to others but I can’t seem to find the feeling to match this life I live trapped in my own body along with ever memory that never seems to fade. It’s as if I’m a broken record constantly skipping over staying happy and stuck in the sadness. I have a beautiful girlfriend a nice house and nice things but I can’t find myself appreciating it with reflected joy. I also lack the motivation to help myself or do necessary everyday things. But when I am happy it’s so short lived.

  • adelsi

    i hate this feeling of depression. i dont know how to stop it or how it began all i know is I FEEL LIKE SHIT ALWAYS. Im always up to something stupid and i have no one to talk to that can understand me. there is one guy. i might never see him again. but if i do i will cry like when i see my kids. i will cry. i cant help it. its killing me. im killing me. i tried to kill myself or should i say experimented with suicide for the first time it was almost effortless. it was a lot easier than sitting here crying which what im doing. its what im always doing. if im not im crying inside screaming HELP ME why wont God please help me He loves me doesnt He? YES! He does can He take me already? i fucking hate being a human i want to be an angel again like my wonderful children. well its like this depression=no interest in life.period.

  • Abacus

    Like many here I have wished I was dead since I can remember being alive. I managed it better when I was younger and had ambition. I kept my life simple. No alcohol, drugs, etc. Now…I can’t remember ever feeling this completely hopeless. My husband is leaving me and my entire future that I had dared hope for occasionally is gone. I feel like a piece of garbage, bad genetics incarnate. I get very severe depression about 3 days after my period for about a week only to have turn into a raging maniacal woman about 8 days before my period. I can’t manage it, I don’t know who can help. I am losing my farm, dreams, love, and hope. I hate being here and I hate this place. I hate that other people can smile and it does not hurt them.

  • Foolish Ass

    I am an idiot who resigned from a well-paying fresh graduate banking job after only working for 2 and a half months. Now I’m stuck in a rut, losing more and more confidence with every job interview I attend. If only I could turn back time. I would be willing to put up with the crazy pressure of that wonderful job. I have blown a golden opportunity and I guess people would say that it is only appropriate for me to rejoice if I manage get another job which pays peanuts. I hate myself for being such an impulsive, rash and thoughtless ass.

  • manish

    well it was a different but amazing fact. last evening i was on my laptop surfing some thing in between in my mind there was a like some ones likes to beat me with long headed stick i dont know
    the violence is going on every where, every1 is beating.
    that is fear or what is ? butit happens to me

  • Unknown

    I wake up in the morning doing the same thing the same rutine. Im 16 and i feel like it wouldnt matter if i wasnt here tommorow, Like i have already lived my life and im ready to pass away. I dont know why i feel like this… i recently dropped out of school. Now all i do is play xbox and eat and go to sleep. My girl is pregnant she is having a girl. I cant believe im gonna be a father in a month. I know as a father i need to get a job to raise my daughter. she isnt born yet but by touching my girls belly i know she is there and it just makes me feels so good whne she kicks i feel like i got a connection with her already. i wish i can do things better. i feel so much presure.. all these thoughts in my head… i just dont want anything to happen to her… i love her….. i love her so much that i will give my life for her with out blinking. i hope nothing goes wrong.

  • Blake

    To everybody who has felt or is currently in the dark depths of this evil abyss, I love you guys. I mean that. I know that I would love to just get a big hug from someone who understands. Earlier I was in a very bad state of mind.. one that I find myself in quite often. I was tying a cord around my neck and seeing if I could actually end it by hanging myself. I’ve tried multiple times to off myself with injectable drugs, pills, razor blades.. I don’t necessarily want to die, but I don’t want to feel this way anymore. I realize that I need to get back on meds, because believe it or not, they do help. My plan is to get back on anti-d’s, start seeing a therapist, and find some support groups to go to.. It’s hard to keep any kind of optimism at this point, but it will be worth it. I have to believe that there is hope for all of us. I love you all and wish you all the best in your recovery. Stay strong….

  • Margo

    It felt like I wrote these words. I really thought I was alone but not sure if it will help. Maybe I’m just too deep into that dark hole.

  • Aerial

    Everything on that self-test is right about me.I feel bad.I feel like my whole lifes ahead off me and I can’t get to it because I am so stuck up with myself.

  • Marie

    I feel just like so many of you, small, tiny, insignificant, hopeless, worthless, useless, I want to sleep all of the time, then I feel lazy and hate myself, I am told to stop feeling sorry for myself, I am told maybe I should be greatful. But everything I do turns out wrong, everyone at work hates me, they know I am different, I know I am different, I just don’t fit in this world, I keep away from people, I am a loner. I only have the dog who I don’t even walk anymore, but she still loves me, she is the only one besides God, I guess. I know God suffers too, with us. He will hold us one day, and love us, and then you and I will really feel loved. It is my only hope in this life. Thank you all for sharing, it helps to know there are others like me out there suffering, I love all of you, and wish I could hug you, Thank You for posting this website. Earlier I wanted to die, it hurt SO much, all over, inside my gut, my head pounded, my sorrow was so deep. Thank You all.

  • Saxifrages

    I am near the end. I have no joy nor love. I can’t get close to people and my lack of energy and focus will soon cost me my job. My boyfriend has rejected me. The anti-depressants caused me to gain 50 lbs despite the doctors claim otherwise. So I am depressed and fat and pretty much useless as a breathing organism. I will have more purpose as plant food. When I have surgery next week, I will will myself to fade away under the anesthesia. I wish it were easy to simply erase me from this story.

  • Gina

    When I’m depressed, which I have been for the past month or so, I feel cold on a warm day. It’s like the hopelessness scares the sun away. My thoughts are hazy. I have goals, but they are like a mirage on the horizon. The smallest things, like brushing my teeth or combing my hair, become major achievements. Being unemployed doesn’t help. I don’t talk to my friends much anymore, because they’ll ask me how I am… I don’t want to lie. My life sucks right now. I want to live, but not like this. Commiserations with you all but we can beat this. It only takes a spark to light a fire…

  • B77

    I have read alot of posts here, and even left my own. I suffer from what I think, is the worse depression, social and panic attacks. I swear everyday I wake up the first thing that comes to mind is, how I can hide from as much of my daily responsibilities and interactions as possible. I feel as though everyone judges me and can tell something is wrong and it makes me feel as though, I dont have the right to stand up and take the things I want in life because I am not worth it. I can relate to alot of the posts I see on here. I hae never said the things that I am sayin now because I am ashamed of being this way. If you saw me in person from first glance you would’nt understand why I am like this. That is just the thing though I dont know why I am like this, and I literally have tried everything from trying to be a saint to asking god for help. I have people in my life I love so much it hurts, and I have neglected them by not sharing my time and at times being somewhat catatonic, because I just can’t think of things to say, or have the energy to interact and participate in activities. I am tryin so hard not to turn back to drugs, but I’m almost at the point where I say I’d rather be high, addicted and happy in a short life, then suffer unhappy, and dragging my fam. down with me through a long,slow agonistic death. I wanted to say though that I dont know any of you people here, but I feel all of your pain. I appreciate all of your daily struggle, I here people bitch and complain everyday about the most ridiculous stuff, and I think about people like you and me, who cannot find a momment of unhappiness to complain about because unhappiness is where we live our entire live. We look for rare momments to say hey I feel good for a second instead. I just hope that one day I get to the point where I can just become completely numb, and atleast be able to feed off the happiness of the people I care about, like the way I feel when I see my son smile, or my girlfriend laugh.

  • DIGITAL MARKETING AG

    Depression is the feeling of hopelessness, feeling useless and worthless and when you’re depressed all you want is for it to just go away, no matter how. I would do anything and everything to end my depression and that is the scariest part of it.

  • lorena

    for all of us suffering behind broken half-smiles, as we nod or say we are fine when asked how we are doing…i want to say i know how you feel behind your veil of broken tears and the pain of unfulfilled dreams…i see you, i feel you, i believe in you and know that you are meant to be here…your life has a purpose, it’s just that our lives have been so messed up to this point…others have mistreated or abused us, dashed our dreams to the cold, uncaring ground…or maybe we have screwed up so damned much, made so many mistakes, how can we look ourselves in the mirror day in, day out? just breathe another breath for me, for us and don’t listen to the lies that seek to destroy your last ounce of life. true, you are nearly dead and definitely drained, and of course, broken and torn, but look, you are still a beautiful piece of heaven that has fallen from the sky to earth to make a difference in someone’s life. maybe you can’t see it, but i swear on my own life that you are here, right now, for some reason that is bigger than you and i both…hang on…you will find your purpose, you will find your meaning somehow, someway, i swear it. i, who once once had a loaded magnum to my head, pills in my stomach and bleeding wrists swear that i know your pain and also swear that the pain will ease in time. it will never go away completely, of course, just like a wound always leaves the memory of itself behind in a scar…but…scarred and torn, i will stand with you and be your friend…but you have to be here to find out the ending to this mystery of life…this freaking, heartbreaking, thing called life, which we are stuck in right now, at this very moment…don’t give up…we are in this together, even though we are strangers and divided by geographical boundaries…we are struggling and suffering together in this boat of life…and damn it, we are going to float until we can learn how to swim….who’s with me??? come on…we can dog paddle if we have to, and if you see someone drowning, throw them a life preserver until they can float on their own and if not, then we can drag them to shore damn it…just stay alive, okay? that’s all i ask…then, we’ll figure out what to do after that…i mean if the crew of Gilligan’s Island can survive on an island for years and years, then by God, we can too….first, though, we’ve got to make it to shore…i know you can do it…

  • lorena

    d is for darkness that suffocates my mind

    e is for everything i used to enjoy has evaporated

    p is for pain, the slow burn of a dying cigarette eats away from the inside out

    r is for reality, which i feel all too actuely

    e is for envelope, and i am a torn letter lost inside

    s is for season, time blurs into eternity; it is always winter in my soul

    s is for self-pity, i threw a party and nobody came

    i is for immense, which is the gap between happiness and sadness, where sorrow has me forbidden me to cross

    o is for one, i am alone in a world of billions

    n is for night, it is dark near the edges of my heart and midnight in my brain…

  • John

    This is the 6th time since I’ve been 15 y.o. that I’ve had a “bout” of major depression and I’m 57 y.o. now. This bout has lasted almost 3 years. Am living with a friend now becasue I’m afraid to be by myself. I haven’t taken a shower in about a month. My whole life has ground to a halt…and I can’t see myself getting better this time. I’ve had a lot of losses which I think triggered this bout of depression. I want to just hide from my feelings and from people…….

  • B77

    I have gone through different periods of depression and anxiety for the last 15 years, each one getting worse. The period I’m at now feels like definate impending doom, like this is the last level. I get so depressed that it physically hurts. I can’t breath correct. I’m so sad for the people I care about. I have no interest in anything in life anymore, not even food. I have lost 25 pounds. I have been to so many dr.’s, and tried so many medicines, nothing helps unless it has been narcotic, and that’s only temporary and brings on more dep., and anx. in the end. I have gotten to the point where I think about going crazy and being so dep. so much that it has made me physically ill and caused panic attacks daily that make me feel like I am having a heart attack. I can’t understand why I am this way. I am very good looking, very smart, very talented, I know these things about myself because people tell me all the time, but It does’nt register or help. I automatically assume people wont get along with me and I will fail at things, so its like I go into things forcing it to happen but unwillingly, and it almost always does. I have bad relationships with people at work because, they think I dont like them, because I shut myself off and am not interested in their small talk. I want to be interested and want to be open I just can’t. I’ve tried to fake it and it does’nt work. IDK I just found this site and thought I’d share. I can say that no matter how bad it gets, I will never give up, because of my son, and the people I love. I can’t give up for them.

  • J

    5 years into this shit, i wake up and drag on pushin myself through
    the day, but yet when it comes to my family or friends i push that smile
    and say in fine. yeah ok deep down inside im screamin “someone HELP ME!” like the post above me i didnt realize how
    shitty i felt until i stopped drinkin on the weekends and weekdays. i
    gave up on everything. school, friends, family. at least if i as drunk i
    was happy. The weird part about it all is i have become comfortable
    with the dark and angry feeling, like it is normal, and im supossed to
    always feel like this. does it ever go away?

  • Fuerte

    i’m sitting here, i’ve read most of these and i don’t think i have
    anything worth saying. i used to find importance in minute/unimportant
    things, and now i don’t even see the importance of anything. i don’t
    want to be awake but i don’t deserve sleep, i’m starving but it doesn’t
    seem worth it to even go into the kitchen. i haven’t been sober for more
    than 48 hours in months, mainly because when i try to, i get depressed
    like this.. my meds don’t help, and saying all of this here won’t
    either. the fact that i’m depressed and have nothing to truly be
    depressed about makes me feel a thousand times worse.

  • LFIII

    Forty years of this Horror. I Self-Medicated for the first 25 and
    coped OK, but then I hit all of the bottoms.
    Fifteen yrs of Dr Rx’d meds have been useless. I’m in the hopeless
    zone— Why go on?
    Or maybe God is the answer. I wouldn’t know, I’m an athiest. But I
    would look for Him if I thought it might make the pain go away… Hmmm…

  • 4shared mp3 download

    To me its like i dont have anyone to talk to or trust at all. I feel
    alone and don’t see a point to living, but scared of death i’ve changed
    now my point of living is for God but i still sometimes feel that i
    cant trust people

  • Lance

    I feel tried and like something is wrong! Food does not taste any
    good and I just bought something I really wanted and right now I dont
    care about It!

    I don’t know what’s going on. I feel like I could shoot myself in
    the head right about noe.

  • Anon

    Sometimes it seems as if I get tired so easily. It’s so hard to get
    motivated to do things I should enjoy. It’s like I keep just that step
    between myself an most others, it’s hard for me to get really close to
    people anymore. I want to change how things are going but am no longer
    sure how. I don’t know if I have it in me to change now. I can pull
    myself out of depression for a time- I’m better than I was when this was
    set off by certain events, but I just don’t quite know how to fit
    anymore.

  • Damian

    i like being sad, it makes me think that i have nothing to be sad
    about when i think about the people that really have a reason to be sad.
    homeless,orphans,people in hospitals that have no money but are left
    there to slowy die, espeacialy people who cant even look at people when
    they keep looking at him/her for how he/she looks like.

  • Lord Dante A. Lavey

    How can one event, one stupid insignificant event cause such pain.
    I’m 18 now and Ive been battling depression since I was 15. Ive only
    recently admitted that I was depressed. Ive been a poet and artist ever
    since I can remember….but after a certain event my spark of inspiration
    has faded. Please E-mail me. I need people to talk to about this. I need
    opinions on the matter.

  • Luca

    I’ve been locked away in the dungeon of depression for nearly 10
    years. I’m 22. I’m ready to give up and give in.

    Suicide? Why not.

    The pills don’t work anymore.

    The future is growing darker, dimmer…and it can only get worse.

    Rock bottom? Try me. Depression is an endless void. The only bottom
    is 6 feet under.

  • Pam

    When I have a major depression I feel anxious and nervous, like I’m
    shaking inside all the time. I can’t eat or sleep or talk to people. I
    feel like there is nothing left inside me, no feelings at all, it’s
    just my body that is still living, my soul is gone. I’m like a zombie.
    I could very easily jump off of the top of a very tall building; I have
    no fear of hitting the ground and dying. It seems like a way out of
    the horrible dark place I’m in. I feel like I can’t talk to people
    about my depression because so many people think depression does not
    really exist.

  • Julia

    I suffered a serious bout of depression 4 years ago and it’s just
    come back recently. It makes me feel angry! It makes me so frustrated
    that I can’t enjoy life and I get so mad at myself for not being able to
    ‘snap out of it’! I wish there were an easy fix, but I know I just have
    to fight through it… I cry at nothing and can’t smile easily. I am
    usually a very happy and positive person; most people don’t believe that
    I could ever suffer from depression, but when I do I feel alone and
    like no-one understands. I hate it! Social situations, that I used to
    thrive in, make me nervous and anxious. Even on a good day, when I have a
    hour or so that I don’t feel like I’m drowning, I feel guilty that I’m
    not feeling sad! It’s ridiculous and I hate that I’m so self-pitying
    when I’m depressed. I just look forward to the day that I see the light
    at the end of the tunnel; when that day comes I’m gonna run toward it
    with all my might…

  • jacks

    i thought i was over the depression. i thought it was something else
    my memory, my anxiety, my focuss was terrible i was diognosed with ADD. school got beter anxiety not better, negative
    thoughts arrived, tears arrived offten, evaluation of myself repeated in
    my mind constantly. insomnia formed. for a while i thought i was crazy
    and i needed help. i told myself i wasnt depressed again but i am and im
    scared because i dont think it will ever go away happiness will never
    stick aroud very long.i just want who i was 3 years ago i was
    unstoppable, i was so happy and life was beatiful. i want to go back,
    but i cant so i’ve been doing things lately that i did back in the day.
    its helping some but i always seem to go right back. there is no hope
    but impossible is my cup of tea if and i will treat it as a treasure i
    will search forever life i believe has reason for every individual i
    would love to find mine

  • Adam

    I’m sad seeing that others have written here that they have suffered
    from depression for decades. They have more strength than me; I don’t
    think I can go that long with this winter in my mind. I’ve spent most
    of the last two years praying that I wouldn’t wake up in the morning.
    My hope for everyone and myself is that we can each overcome this. Good
    luck to all.

  • Tyeshia Killings

    I think I’msuffering from deppression I stopped hanging out with
    friends for the longest and wasnt really talking to them. I’m always
    worried that something’s gone happen to my significant other because
    he’s in the military. Everything feels like its in slow motion and when I
    try to sleep it feels like I’m just floatin on thin air. My ex
    boyfriend makes me more stressed out than I already am, and I feel like
    there’s nuthing to do in this world to stop it. I feel like I want to be
    by myself because he’s not here, and I forget the simplist things all
    the time.I just want to know whats going on because its driven me crazy.

  • Nobody Special

    I hate being alone cause that is when everything hits me. I don’t
    know how to explain it or why but then I start to feel sad, hopeless,
    worthless. Sometimes I cry to myself and it bothers me because I’m not
    really sure what it’s about. These feelings all happen out of the blue
    or when I’m alone and I think about everything and nothing. I know it
    makes no sense but I don’t understand it either. I wonder if these
    feelings are normal or if there is something that’s wrong with me. I
    don’t know if it’s depression, I don’t know what it is. I just wish I
    would just stop feeling this way but the feelings always come back . . .

  • cris

    depression suks a lot most teens go through it
    including me im a 17 year old girl frm cali ive been dealing with this
    since i was 14
    its really hard to go through this and i wish i could say it goes away
    with the years but sometimes it just doesnt ive consider suicide so many
    times but for some odd reason i just cant go throught with it i try so
    hard to hide the pain and i do it so well most of my friends dont even
    know about this except my best friend because she depressed just like me

    but were there for each other supporting each other idk where i would be
    if i didnt have her

  • Rich

    I have sat here and read all these post and many of them i relate to
    but to tell you the truth i think I’m past the being sad and wanting to
    end my life at this stage i don’t sleep and now just thought about how
    food actually taste and its not that great I’m not sleeping as much but
    anyways
    This shit sux i can remember when i was younger i use to be so happy
    smoking pot even smoking pot isn’t the same anymore it use to make me
    happy but now i just get mellow and more depressed when i smoke but it
    does help me sleep
    thanks for the time

  • Jordan

    I’ve been battling depression since I was about 13. I just turned 20
    and I don’t ever remember having so many of my waking hours so down in
    the dumps and empty. I feel like I am watching my body and actions from a
    distant window… almost like a zombie. I feel like nothing I do or say
    ever compares to others and that I am a failed human being and a
    recluse… The worst thing is that I have never had truly embarrassing
    moments and I have been accepted socially time and time again. But still
    these horrible, gut-wrenching thoughts flood my life. There is a
    constant dark cloud hovering over me. I am about to go see my first
    psychologist and I’m hoping he will help me break down this barrier
    blocking my life.

  • ALOSTSOUL

    I think im depressed because I have no friends..I mean who wouldn’t
    be depressed in this situation? People who have them are lucky! I
    think I’m also depressed because Im not smart.who wouldn’t be depressed
    by this? I think I’m also depressed because my parents favor my brother
    over me…who the FUCK Would not be
    depressed??? I also tend to get superjealous of people because they have
    everything that I don’t.
    FML!

  • ruth

    Ihave a wonderful husband and gorgeous kids. But i don’t seem to be
    able to enjoy them or my life like i did once or should be able to.
    Things i used to look forward to like birthdays etc i don’t, some i even
    dread. I feel like these events could all go wrong.
    I can’t make decisions because i am convinced what ever i decide will be
    wrong.
    I don’t want to go to bed at night because then the next day will come! I
    don’t want to get up in the morning.
    The thing that keeps me going is my kids, husband and my faith. I cannot
    understand why God allows me to feel like this. I trust he knows better
    than me though.
    I cope, just about and i’ve learnt that it’s ok to just cope. I don’t
    think depression will ever go…it’s an illness with out a cure.

  • pointless person

    I don’t see the point in anything anymore eveything is pointless
    like even writin this is there any fuckin point no will it do anythink
    no so why am I writin this because I dnt like talkin 2 people anymore
    not even my friends as there sick of my shit and people juge u they sit
    there and listen and in there mind there probs thinkin wat eles they
    could be doin rite now so talkin 2 people in person is supid and u can
    tell on there expressions tht there juging u and it makes me fuckin
    angry just like music if someone asked wat music u listen 2 its a
    personal question I think because they no a lot about u just by askin
    tht question I feel like every person juges me all the tym so thts why I
    dnt bother talkin anymore why should I go 2 sleep when there’s
    nightmares why should I eat because its tastes like nothing I’m in this
    darkness and I cnt get out and I dnt see the point in fightin it
    anymore. Maybe its because I smoke 2 much weed I dnt no…

  • Girl.

    I cant handle my life anymore. All of my friends have left me. I
    feel completely alone. I sit by myself at lunchtime, and my grades at
    school have dropped heaps. I used to get A’s, now its C’s and D’s. FML. I wish my life was happy but instead its dull
    and gray. Theres no light at the end of the tunnel.

  • D

    i completely get how all of you feel. im about to graduate high
    school in like, less than a week. have been battling depression
    literally before I even started junior high. my way of dealing? eating
    large amounts of food. i fucking hate life. nobody cares about what is
    important to me, or what i think about any thing, or how i feel about
    anything. i don’t have any true friends. my parents could really give a
    shit about what happens to me or my siblings but our mom pretends to
    care. she doesnt involve herself in any thing unless she benefits from
    it. i cant tell any one in school how i feel because who knows what
    would happen? i just hope that in the future life would have a bright
    meaning.

  • Dave

    When you have depression, you feel worthless, pathetic, a failure,
    sad, good for nothing,lonely, sad, lose interest in things you once
    liked, a loser, cry, and don`t care anymore. And I`ve now learned after
    years that depression doesn`t go away. no matter what you do. You just
    have to learn to live with it.

  • Samantia

    I recently found myself not being interested in the things I found
    interest in.Not sure if im depress but the present relationship is
    sending me in my own bubble…

  • Hayden

    I’m only 14 years old , I hate evrything in my life I just want to
    sit in my room and cry and sometimes feel like killing myslef would make
    it all better . This all happened about a year ago when a boy broke my
    heart , am I just hurting because i miss him or did he cause depression ?
    can someone cause that on you ?

  • a.s

    I dont know if i am suffering with depression or not, maybe its just
    life and i need to stop moaning. Sometimes i do feel like my life is
    just not worth living at all and that i dont have the brains and the
    stamina to go out and do what i really want to do in life? I split up
    with my girlfriend recently, i went to her for everything and she taught
    me quite a lot but now i am on my own. I have a few friends but i still
    feel so lonely and down, i dont feel like the person i was 2 years ago,
    its so weird. It scares me when the feeling of ending my life comes
    into my head because i dont have the bottle to do it anyways and i just
    eek my way through each day. I find it hard to look at myself in the
    mirror as i think i am different from everyone else like i am abnormal
    and ugly. I just want something good to happen, when will this time
    come..who knows.

  • Regg

    I feel like I am in the abyss of pain and suffering. Every thing is
    dark and a shadow is take over and covering me day to day. I love my
    girlfriend but sometimes it seems everyday I turn around something new
    and irritating comes up. The pain is a feeling I can’t describe, I often
    throw things and sream out loudly in agony, and I get irritated by
    things now that normally would not affect me. My brains hurts and it
    keeps me from sleeping and eating, finances won’t seem to move, I feel
    like I will never get anything for myself. The only reason I haven’t
    killed my self is because of MY FAITH IN JESUS, MY FAMILY, and MY GIRLFRIEND. It hurts and I need it to stop.

  • carrie

    not to long ago things were so messed up with us i hated it but now
    that everything is better i feel sad and alone like before i had a
    reason to live and things to do and well i felt needed now i feel
    stagnint like a lump i love my husband and my son so much they are
    everything to me but now i dont want to talk or hang out with them when
    things were really bad i had the strenght to move forward i had the
    will keep going now im suppose to be ok im supose to feel good and be
    happy but im not i hate myself right now everything gets on my nerves
    but ill be ok thanks for letting me vent this has helped alot everyone
    please hang in there i know its hard but remmber as bad as it is it
    could always be worse we could all live in the sonder bonts worring
    about being mauled by a tiger or drowinding or some dick taking over
    you island and kicking you out of your home ………………look it up it

  • Albert

    I feel like I just can’t cope anymore

    I cannot see any light at the end of the tunnel, or any way of
    making my life any better.

    I know it would destroy my wife and beautiful daughter if I ended my
    life, but still I frequently think about it.

    I have no-one to turn to, and hate feeling like this.

  • Keith

    At 46, never been married (which adds to my depression), and I feel I
    have struggled way more than some of the people on this list have.
    Some of the people on here, have expressed what it feels like very
    succently. “A deep emptiness inside in which you can not seem to get
    filled. Number 25 summed it up for me. And even returning a smile to a
    complete stranger is hard. I wish this would end and let me experience
    what a joyful life is suppose to feel like. Maybe then, I can finally
    get into a relationship and have a profession I love.

  • shocksets.in

    “It’s like falling into a hole, and it keeps getting bigger and
    bigger, until you
    can’t get out and then all of a sudden it’s inside you, and you’re the
    hole”: Quote From The Movie ‘Ordinary People’

  • Suicidal Casanova

    I’m feel very depressed, I had a common live, graduated and have a
    job. ‘till one day my parents begin to force me “to do this”, “to do
    that”, “have a date with that girl”, “have a date this girl”, “what to
    buy”, “even “when to married!!!!!!!!” “to whom I married!!!!”…..DAMN!!!!
    deepest inside, I really really hate them, I hate them ‘till I die….I
    hope I die sooner, ‘cause it’s such a relief,….get away from a live that
    I don’t want, but forced to live in it……..

    To All Parents out there : Remember don’t do this to your kids!!!!!

    Suicidal Casanova

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  • scar

    im not sure if what i feel is depression …i feel everything on that
    list i know thinking about death is not right yet i still do ive been
    pushing everyone that cares for me away some have just given up on me i
    dont feel like my self anymore is like i try to be happy but its just
    not possible im stress about school trying to make my parents happy i
    try to make everyone else happy but never myself even when i do
    something i feel as if im not doing it right that i cant do anything
    right my mother constaly screams at me for my weight i dont feel as if
    am big yet she wants me to be perfect and it make me feel like am not
    worth it with my boyfriend hes still hangin there with me when we fight
    is cause am pushing him away and he reeally cares i tell him to fine
    someone that can really make him happy he tells me he is with me but i
    just feel lik e i never do anything right …

  • jmb

    I am exhausted in putting on a brave face to the world and
    pretending to smile when all I want to do it curl up in a ball and go to
    sleep as when Im alsleep I dont have to think about how Im feeling. I
    feel as if a dead weight is crushing me to the ground and that although
    people say they understand then they couldnt possibly unless they had
    been through it before as have all the people above. Hope keeps me
    going, although I feel with the more time that goes on that too is
    fading.

  • Serena

    It feels like everything takes the extra effort..you feel like not
    being around anymore but your so confused you have no idea why you feel
    this way. Overwhelming episodes where you feel like crying. Ugly,
    hopeless, and lonely is what you feel like. Definitely feel like nothing
    can help you..they say time heals everything. But i’m still waiting.

  • Oddie D.

    Now I realized that I can’t control myself when I’m mad… I feel like
    i want to crash everything around me when I’m mad.. I want to be
    normal.. Just like everybody else……

  • Frank F

    Depression is definitely seeing the glass as half empty….and what’s
    left in the glass is filled with poison.

  • Izzie

    Depression can feel really confusing, like there’s something wrong
    that you just can’t pinpoint. It also makes you feel very lonely.

  • couldnt possibly be

    i haven’t been happy for a long time. there are moments i treasure
    with my girlfriend, family, friends, and at work when i know i’m CLOSE to what happiness must feel like but
    circumstances conspire to pull the rug from under my feet and return me
    to the dark place where my soul seems to live all the time. i have
    recently discovered that my girlfriend is a chronic verbal abuser and
    that she projects her negative emotional states onto me; i try to be
    there for her when she’s down but i have now learned that i am merely a
    vessel for her unwanted emotional garbage. she pushes me to the point of
    tears and yelling and it only makes me look bad, while she sits
    quietly, satisfied that she is able to vent her anger at the world
    through me. despite my knowing that she possesses this nature i am not
    always able to combat it and i have fearfully come to the conclusion
    that i will die in my sleep because of her.

  • summer

    right now, i feel every symptoms on your list.
    the world rotating seems to be a world without color. i don’t feel like
    smiling any more. i don’t have anyone i can confide my feelings to,
    every emotion feels like it’s going to burst. i just want to breakdown
    and cry. anxiety is swallowing my totality. i have been worrying too
    much. sometimes i just want to give up… 🙁

  • Lizzie

    I’ve felt like this for so long, I don’t even know who I am
    anymore.it’s like my whole personality has been sucked out of me, and
    replaced with nothing. I can’t really say that I hate life, because what
    I lead is not life, it’s an existence. I used to cry all the time… now I
    just don’t feel anything. It’s hard to smile when your whole world is
    controlled by misery.

  • lizzie hunter

    its like a circle
    u cant get out once your in it your stuck you go round and round in the
    same patterns
    everyone seems the same you think they dont care. every tone of voice is
    thought about till ur mind is so worn out you cant help but cry
    you wana cry all the time its like being on a merry go round you dont
    understand what your doing to make people act strangly around you not
    reali gettin its mainly in your head, you dont get why no one is helpin
    you get off even if they are
    you convince your self your worthless going faster and faster round in a
    circle
    its like waitin to crash

  • Calla

    You feel like you don’t exist anymore.

    The idea of someone being hurt by your death begins to seem
    incomprehensible.

    You hate feeling invisible, but the panic when someone does see you
    is worse.

    You want to cry, but you can’t work up the energy.

    You feel like you’re dead already. Suicide only formalizes the
    reality in front of you.

    Great list, and thank you for writing it.

  • Todd Gilbey

    sometimes I feel like I don’t have a partner
    sometimes I feel like my only friend
    in the city I live in, the city of angels
    I have no worries, now that is a lie

  • DW

    I was told that i was worthless, stupid, skinny, weak my whole
    childhood and into high-school and college. My parents love me but if
    they knew how worthless i realy am they would trade me in on a pet
    monkey. I wanted to pay someone to hug me because they would not do it
    on their own and i am a good looking guy. I had some female friends and
    if it was not for them I would be dead. I met my ex wife ten years ago
    she belived in me and my pain for the most part went a way and i loved
    her with every part of my being because she fixed me. She got unhappy
    and left me.

  • Used to B Dave

    I’m nearly 50 and have had depression since right after high school.
    Much of the earlier bouts were masked by substance abuse. But, there
    have been many bouts for which I was hospitalized without substance
    abuse. I have remained sober for as long as 18 years and then suddenly
    took it back up. I’ve been in A.A. for the past 4 years. I do not feel
    like the rest of the A.A.s who recover once removed from alchohol—point
    is, I don’t feel like I belong anywhere. Not so long ago, I was
    “happy”. I used to make guitars, record, etc. financially and in every
    other way I should be completely happy. My wife is a doctor and makes a
    fortune. We are set for life…yet I can’t pick up my guitar without
    bursting into tears. Someone please help me!

  • Alexander

    I feel like doing nothing. Just taking naps whenever I can. My
    schoolwork has gone downhill, from all A’s to mostly C’s. I want to
    become a doctor but I just don’t know if I am mentally stable enough to
    pull off such a feat. I often sit in class and feel as if I am being
    suffocated. Just writing this paragraph helped me organize my thoughts,
    which in turn made me less depressed. I feel uplifted almost, but I know
    that something, somehow, will just bring me back down once again

  • saravi

    im depressed. when i get like this nothing helps only crying does
    temporarily and suicide does feel like the only way out and i get so
    happy when i think about dying i feel like yes now i can really live. i
    hate my life. i just want to die or kill a bunch of people i hate being
    stereotyped i hate happy people i just want to die and i dont carehow
    nothing ever goes right i always manage to fuck something up i hate
    myself.

  • Eve

    I try hard to pretend it’s not there. I try to fool myself into
    thinking I am happy. I had some really bad things happen to me when I
    was a child & it seems like no matter what I do, it affects me in a
    lot of ways. I often feel like things that happened in my past are not
    real & sometimes things that are happening to me now are not real
    when I know they are. I often have overwhelming feelings of doing
    something mean to someone even though they didn’t do anything to me. I
    ignore them cuz I know it’s not me. I feel on edge a lot when there’s no
    reason to be.

  • The Grim

    It is a soul-less body that is jealous of every human being around
    it. Such desires for passion that may never be fulfilled. Walking in
    hopes of stumbling upon an answer, but never bothering to find one. It
    does worse than envelop, but consumes the soul into an empty husk of a
    human body. There is no desire. No will. No humanity. Shut away into
    numbness, occasionally able to see the answer within your grasp…when it
    vanishes. Constantly teased with the success of others. Dreaming for
    someone else, to the point that it occupies all feelings and hopes of
    your all too precious moments of happiness, just to suppress all
    thoughts for them to the point of indifference… for the sake of
    preserving sanity for another day. Because the possibility of success is
    outweighed by the probability of doom.

    The only good news?
    Suicide is the coward’s way out. And I am going to go down fighting…

    BECAUSE I AM NOT
    A COWARD.

  • Megan

    I went through depression and there are still moments where it
    haunts me. The best thing you can do is get help if you are feeling any
    of these symptoms. Usually I dont comment on Web Pages, but since this
    is a situation I have experienced, I want to comment. I dont ever want
    anyone to feel how I felt when I was depressed, I know that there will
    be others, but if there was something I could do to make it stop for all
    of you, I would do it. Please, if you are feeling any of the symptoms
    posted above, get help. It’s the biggest step, a scary step, but its
    worth it and it will go away if you talk to someone about it.

  • Sara

    I just want to stop. This list is so spot-on. I feel like I need a
    rest from everything, but can’t see a possible point in the future where
    I’d stop wanting it to all go away

  • Mhunter

    Depression is a very difficult mental illness to live with. It’s
    like having a constant sad, tired, sometimes angry mood that never fully
    goes away, even when watching funny films. A lot of people get
    confused, because feeling depressed is a sign of depression, but
    depression is an illness and just feeling depressed isn’t.

  • alice

    when the grey comes you cant stop it. i felt like an alien to the
    world often saying i was having a invisable day because i couldnt
    reconize myself.swallow me up in that big black hole. i would wake up
    and think about ending it all more and more and more till it got so bad
    it was all i thought about also bad thoughts about my family being hurt
    etc bad things really bad thoughts. i often think if i didnt get help
    would of it got worse and worst still until you do take your
    life.depression dystroys ones sole in every way and i will never be the
    same person again. it is with me forever.

  • Depressed

    I fill every symptom on that list. The only person that cares about
    me is my best friend, and he’s depressed too. I can’t tell anyone how I
    feel, because I’m supposed to be strong. I’m the one who helps all my
    friends through their trouble. Somehow, I know they won’t return the
    favor. I hate my parents, and if I tell them they’ll just tell me to get
    over it. I’m scared.

  • Lynn

    Lately it seems like life is more of a video game that I have been
    playing for far too long an it’s getting too complicated and tough so I
    just want to put it away and not play anymore….i just don’t know

  • straight A+

    Straight A student. Having the boyfriend I’ve been longing for for 4
    years in high school. He is beyond my most beautiful fantasies in
    almost every aspect. Yet I feel alone and push away any chance of a
    friend. And that all the cold reasoning that used to be in my mind back
    then when I was a balanced girl, far too mature for her age, has now
    turned into sharp ice crystals that are piercing my brain and killing me
    slowly. I cry for no reason,whereas before this I wouldn’t even cry at
    pathetic movies, no matter how touching they were, I feel like a shadow
    and like burden for everyone around. And no one notices. They all go on
    with their superficial little lives, all those people I thought to be
    buddies if not friends. I feel like dropping out of college, out of my
    life, and just hiding somewhere waiting to starve to death. Used to be
    the pretty yet extremely smart, witty and charming girl any guy with a
    sense of dark humour would love to date. Now I’m a wreck.

  • anyone

    I have battled depression since junior high school. I have pushed
    away all of my family and friends. The only thing that keeps me on this
    earth is that my suicide would crush my parents. So when i get into
    fights with them, I get so close to dying but never actually do. In my
    most desperate times of need I’ve had a friend or even an acquaintance
    to help me through it. That is the only reason i’m alive. Everyday i
    want to wake up and have this all be a dream, but in never is. I’m
    always waiting to hit rock bottom because from there all i can go is up.
    I’m very close but not completely there. I lie to my therapist. I feel
    really messed up.

  • AAA

    i can’t seem to do anything right recently. it’s just like my
    thoughts have been taken away from me, and i feel somehow…null. i can’t
    concentrate, and eventhough i’ve tried or studied my best, things just
    can’t come together..

  • Mary Ann

    I’ve given too much, I’ve got so tired and burned out and started
    smoking weed and I was hurting myself in other ways. My vitality,
    myself and confidence went dark -depression – and I seemed removed from
    this world, in a dream like state, I was alone and lost. My head had
    intrusive thoughts that I could not shake off and my body was so
    fatigued and eventhough I tried to get help, I didn’t think other people
    saw me or that I even existed. I did have suicidal thoughts but I
    didn’t act on it. I’m off the medications and decided to work on my
    personal problems.

  • Jane

    I’m not sure if i’m depressed or not. But, i’ve been extremely under
    motivated lately. Everything seems wrong. Today, i woke up early in the
    morning but in some way, i was feeling mad so i rebel and skip my
    class. When i really woke up, i regret not going to class. I’ve been
    escaping myself from reading my textbook and play games instead. I just
    want to escape. I feel stuck in a place and at wrong times. Help.

  • Olivia

    That list actually brought me hope. Although i’ve been a long time
    sufferer of anxiety, i believe depression can come from it. I smiled
    reading this list because someone finally put how i feel into words!
    Especially the one about feeling there’s a glass wall between me and the
    rest of the world. I’m not suicidal or horribly depressed, i just need
    to break out of my anxious mind.

    -Olivia

  • Christian F.

    I don’t know if I am depressed… I had 1 girlfriend for the past 3
    years I really liked her when we split up… I still do but it seems she
    hates me… We went out for 9 months… Only fougt once… I tried to find
    god… Now I’m an Atheist… People hate me for it… I only told a really
    good friend… I guess they found out… I can not sleep I have to walk or
    move or clean something… I guess it’s better then being a slob… I don’t
    know anymore… I’m really social for 45 min. Then I’m very hiddin… I
    don’t fell like talking… I came here it’s nice to tell the world,
    because they don’t know me…

  • Shay

    I am 15. i started feeling this way when i got an F on the
    transcript. i burnt my repord card and my parents still dont know about
    it. in health class i discovered i have most symptoms of depression. at
    school i try to be someone who i am not and i am happy like that. at
    home i feel worthless. no one understands me. i want it to end. but i
    know it wont. i’ve been feeling this way for 8 months and it hasnt
    gotten better. but i will fight this. but idk how.
    GOOD LUCK EVERYONE!
    [hopes for 2012]

  • Cassie

    I feel so low. My girlfriend recently left cause she said I abused
    her emotionally. She really supported me through my depression stages
    and I feel sad that I hurt her. We were together for 5 years. Whenever
    we went out I would drink and things that I have on the inside would
    come out but not in the way I intended. She said she was afraid of me at
    those times. I lost my job, friends and I have no where to turn.

  • kc

    Sometimes I’ll be happy, but most of the times I’m unbeleivabley
    tired and just want to sleep to get away from my reality. on good weeks I
    feel okay until thursday hits and then that’s when I can’t even go out
    on Fridays because I just want to sleep and not deal with problems or
    even the good things around me. I don’t know what to do anymore. this
    pain that I feel doesn’t stop & I can’t seem to find any solution to
    making myself better. I have horrible nightmares every night. I can’t
    sleep until 2 or 3 am even when I’m exahusted. I OverThink every single
    thing I do. I don’t enjoy anything anymore. I won’t even allow myself to
    have any type of relationship with anyone because I feel as if I’ll
    turn out to be a burden on their life. someone plz help me 🙁

  • ep

    i feel stuck and my mind keeps on telling me things and controls my
    feelings. Some big ball over there pressures me. I am stuck stuck stuck
    and if i talk i will only look like a big failure because somehow i know
    i am doing a fuss about nothing. am i, no am not, yes i am !!!
    EP

  • Andrea

    There are so many depressed hispanics in the US that I built this
    site just for them. If you undestand English, please read below and post
    your own comment.

    Gracias!

    Andrea

  • Ashley

    It feels like you’re a ghost, a phantom floating in and out of the
    gaps of life. Transparent and liquid-like, everything falls through the
    body as though it’s constructed of mist. Barely alive, but ultimately it
    is known that you are fully dead and the worst part is that you can’t
    really grasp on the real reason or cause of how and why you died inside.
    That’s when you think “Maybe I’m not dead afer all,” but then you watch
    the world around you and all you can manage to see is a sick and
    decaying field. If the world around you is dead in your eyes, you must
    be dead too.

  • Z

    I’ve felt every single thing on that list since i was 13, I’m now
    nearly 18

    I dont feel weighed down, or trapped. i just feel entirely
    pointless, worthless and empty

    I’ve pushed away/tormented all my significant others with childish
    behavior & betrayals because i’ve always felt they don’t want to be
    with me, they just pity me – so i give them an excuse to leave

    i’ve self-harmed for about 4 years now. at first it made me feel
    better, less angry. but the amount of time i feel better for has begun
    to rapidly decrease

    The worst thing i think is having to keep up the pretense that i’m
    okay. if i don’t everyone will take the blame unto themselves, when in
    actual fact i’m the inadequate, broken one. its not anyones fault but
    mine

  • daniel

    i feel most of the symtims on that list. i find people (girls mostly
    hate me, they dont want to know me) im 18 now, when iwas a younger i
    was mosre confordent girls took an interest in me, i didnt want to fight
    every other teenaged boy, but now ive got older and my apperance has
    changed all the girls who used to like me now dont want to know me and
    because of that im scard of girls and its because of not having a girl
    freind that i feel horrible, i feel unatrattive im 18 and ive only ever
    kissed 3 girls, every girl ive tried liked havent like me back, im a
    monster i feel like no one (part from my family) loves me or cares
    about. i need help now or i most probily will end my life.

  • Lola

    I just turned 21 and I’ve been depressed for as long as i can
    remember. I self harm and sabotage myself as soon as things seem to be
    going well for me for a change and I dont know how to stop. I’ve tried
    medication but that doesnt seem to do anything for me. Its just getting
    worse now.

  • dove

    Right now I am feeling that I can’t do anything, that I am desperate
    for a solution to my problems and also to my life in general. I need to
    figure out what to do to survive, but every idea I have that at first
    seems like a flash of inspiration, i quickly realize it wouldn’t work
    because i don’t have enough time, energy, expertise, resources, etc to
    make it happen. When I have an idea and tell my daughter, sister or
    mother, they usually think it’s a good idea, then don’t understand why i
    later can’t accomplish it. They see the good side but can’t see the bad
    side or reasons why it would be a failure. Maybe it’s because the ideas
    are good, it’s just me that can’t make it work.

  • mcse

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  • olivia, but then again who cares

    i think ive been suffering from depression for al long time now. I
    am 18, with no direction and no future or friends or family or hopes or
    anything. im juststuck.

  • Ronald

    Hey guys, i been having depression but i have a way to escape it
    temperarely or permently. What i have found out was when i play a video
    game i get very serious into it. And as you go along in the game you
    build up your feelings towards it. The farther you get the more happy
    you are cause you can beat the game. i play online games and i find
    playing them calms me down. it puts me into another world then once im
    done im come out into the real life and feel normal. i hope this helps
    cause it helps me. Also Try NOT to think about
    it. that will help it so much more. eventually you can get adapted to
    it and it will fade away and youll be back to the new person you been.

  • Wedge

    It’s the end of the world. Nothing matters. I hate myself for what I
    have become but I can’t change it.
    One thing I have noticed about depression is that it makes you realize
    just how much others complain about nothing. How much they complain
    about things you have been through for so long that you don’t think
    about it anymore. It makes you angry. But you just hate yourself more
    for feeling that way against them.
    People leave you alone. They want nothing to do with you until you
    pretend to be what they want. Happy and buoyant. You are trapped in a
    world where you can’t be yourself. Where you have to suppress and hide
    your pain until the end of days.

  • carl

    i’m 18 in my last year of schoolmy depression came around 4 weeks
    ago, i felt like my closest friends didin’t really like me anymore and i
    suddenly started to fear future relationships with people, i stopped
    going to school, stayed in the house, didin’t answer phonecalls,didin’t
    reply to messages and all i want to do is stay in bed and wish i just
    dissapeared. now i fear even leaving the house.

  • Liv

    I’ve been suffering for about 3 years, but in the last year it’s
    reach a whole new level. I just feel empty. Nothing seems like it is
    actually real, i feel like i’m trapped in a dream. I’ve tried killing
    myself, but obviously failed…and i suppose the sad thing is that i plan
    on it again. I am constantly fascinated with death and depressing
    things. It’s like i feel i’m more myself when i’m depressed than when
    i’m happy.I hurt myself because i despise myself and i feel like i don’t
    even belong or deserve to be in this life.
    I can’t even say to people ‘don’t worry, it will get better’ because the
    thing is, that once you think you have reached happiness, the floor
    falls beneath your feet and you tumble back into the dark.I don’t even
    cry anymore. I can’t. I can’t even shed a tear.All i can do is stare
    like a zombie for hours on end.
    Staring in the mirror, into my own eyes, watching my every move.
    There is no hope for any of us.

  • Emanuel

    wow i dont have 1 of these symptoms, i had started having this
    feeling since 16, now im 18… just started googling things about the
    values of life and ended up here… It’s very hard to focus on something,
    my mind wanders off easily and i automatically start thinking things
    like, “what have i been living for?” it’s very hard for me to
    communicate with people. right now i feel as if life has no value no
    matter how much i try for it to have so i am motivated.. I used to be a
    straight A student but now it’s like i don’t care about anything and my
    grades are bad. this is getting worse every time. I feel like i have no
    emotions, I try to act as if nothing was wrong with me, and cover it up
    with lies. Just came from talking with my mother about mail that came
    about my grades, she was crying too, and it makes me feel even worse. I
    feel like i cant be helped and its just going to get worse..

  • bDeborah

    Nothing makes me happy anymore. There used to be many things that I
    enjoyed. Now I go to work and pretend to be happy so I can make it
    through the day. Then I come home and have to pretend to be happy for
    my wife, because she is great and wonderful and doesn’t deserve to be
    ignored by me because I can hardly get out of bed anymore. The last
    time I felt like this I dropped out of highschool. But I went on to
    college and graduated and started drinking alcohol almost daily. And
    that helped for a while. I don’t want to be that guy but what the hell
    can I do now. I can’t provide for my family … I am worthless.

  • GTR

    I’m 24 and I’ve been depressed for 7 years now. I’ve tried hundreds
    of meds and docs and I been resently diagnosed with resistent and
    persistent depression wich means it’s tougher for meds to work.
    I am desperate, I keep hiding from my friends and just making excuses
    for not going out. Although my parents want to understand, they just
    think I need to “get my act together”. I keep lying to everyone, each
    day it’s harder for me to even speak, I don’t even shower for days and
    just try to keep up with my lies and keep everyone happy.
    I can’t do it anymore, I’ve also been diagnosed with obsesive compulsive
    desorder wich is really tiering as terrible toughts just keep popping
    up and I have this weird needs to touch things, blink, avoid thing etc..

    For everyone who’s wrote their experiences THANKS!
    You’ve let me now I’m not alone!
    I will pray for you!!
    Love,
    GTR

  • shala

    thanks for the list. it s good to read and be read.
    i feel that there is a huge emotional gap between me and others. i want
    to talk to people and they dont have any reason for talking except their
    job. there is just one woman, old one. 75 yrs that whenever i say how r
    u doing, she smiles. others are too busy that even look at other eyes. i
    almost dont want to relate to anyone new and even my friends. i feel my
    heart is damn heavy and i dont have anyone to express myself. when i
    get up everday, my eyes become teary. it looks like a tragedy for me
    and i really prefer to change my photos in profiles to black sad things,
    i m just afraid of others judgement. i also had a bf last year. we r
    still friends.i want to scream and say listen to me sometimes but i
    cant.

  • Aleenah

    i consider clinical depression like cancer. ive been diagnosed with
    bipolar disorder since i was in 3rd grade im now 20. its haunted my
    life. it destroys my relationships. when im in “the land of the lost” i
    make bad decisions. hell ive even tried to kill myself over 10 times.
    clinical depression is worse than cancer. Because at least with cancer,
    if youre diagnosed too late you know its all over and that death is
    coming. but with depression you’ll live for years and years with the
    thought of wanting to die. No one pity’s those who commit suicide. but
    depression doesnt discriminate…just like cancer. this doesnt make any
    sense…Im just rambling.

  • Steph

    I feel that anything I try my best in, or anything I try to motivate
    myself in has become a complete failure. I can’t do anything right. I
    can’t even have a proper conversation with anyone anymore. I’m
    constantly putting up an act for my friends around me making them think
    that I’m the happiest, most outgoing person who loves to have a good
    time, but then when I set foot back at home, with my family, the one
    source that is supposed to make me feel happy to be alive, I immediately
    feel my major depression. All I need is one sentence of guilt and I
    would start to have suicidal thoughts, and even take my anger out on my
    boyfriend who usually makes me feel good about myself. It’s not fair to
    him, and I have spent my whole life trying to please others…I don’t have
    a choice

  • a.s

    im 14 and i know alot about depresssion. ive had alot of crap happen
    in my life. i was depressed all through 6th grade. i would cry every
    ight before i went to bed. i had something happen to me when i was 8 and
    one night i suddenly remember it. its like my brain blocked it out for
    so long and suddenly i remembered it. depression happens. but you have
    to over come it. BE STRONG! you can get out of
    this BELIEVE IN YOURSELF.
    DONT GIVE UP!
    things will get better. they did for me. AND THEY CAN FOR YOU!!!! good luck and
    god bless.

  • DK

    I’m constantly being reminded that I’m lucky to have family and
    friends that care and want to help me. No one knows this more than I do
    and yet I can’t do anything that makes me feel any better. I was given
    a second chance at a job that I loved, but I couldn’t prevent the
    sickening darkness to take this from me not once, but twice. Even
    knowing how much my boss stuck out his neck to give me this opportunity,
    I couldn’t prevent myself from defeating me. It made me so sick to
    become at work the kind of employee that I used to despise…calling in
    sick, not even calling, knowing one of your friends would probably have
    to pick up your slack….realizing all that and yet not having the
    strength to fight my way out of bed. All the respect I had worked so
    hard to attain, all worthless now. I’m resigned to the fact that I’ll
    be remembered for all the negatives depression shows, my life before
    depression forgotten by everyone, even me.

  • Nicole

    I told my mom this morning I was tired. I just couldn’t get myself
    up and go to school this morning. I didn’t feel like dealing with life
    today. My grades are slipping and I just don’t care..I was doing so good
    too but its creeping back up and it isn’t fair. I just want to be
    happy. But I feel bad for the younger people here going through
    depression even though I’m only 17.If I would’ve been this depressed at
    13 I don’t think I could have taken it. Its like a room with no windows
    and no door..no way out.

  • Anonomys

    I’m 19 and suffer from extreme depression and anxiety. I hate waking
    up everyday and feeling like I want to kick the bucket. I used to try
    killing myself in middle school and cut myself in highschool and nobody
    really noticed because they slwsys think attractive people have it
    easy.. Let me tell you, the most beautiful people in the world feel the
    ugliest because of the unreslistic standards of todays young Hollywood.
    Not to mention I battle with an food disorder. The only thing keeping
    me from doing it is my roman catholic religion, because I DO believe I
    will be severely punished and be banished to hell if I commit suicide.
    But this constant feeling of hopelessness and self loathing is killing
    me slowly. Draining every bit of me day by day.

  • Mike

    This has been my life day in day out. lose contact with friends and
    family. alone, cut off from everyone and everything. I hate everyone,
    and they hate me in return. Flunking out of college because I cant
    motivate myself to even leave my room let alone attend class. Ive tried
    diffrent meds, ive tried thinking positive but nothing works. ultimately
    my brain remains in a depressive state. So whats the point? theres
    nothing I look forward to in the slightest. I never thought suicide was
    the answer,(though I constantly fantasize it) but its really starting to
    seem it.

  • moongink

    The only reason I don’t end it for myself is because it would make
    all the words I tell my husband, all of the “I love you“s, and all of
    the feelings I have for him a lie even though they are not. You see, if I
    “check out” then I am taking away the wife I believe he truly loves and
    adores. I don’t get it, I can’t stand myself but I know he loves me and
    would be lost without me. So I stay.

  • Amatiel

    What Candra said pretty much sums up how I’ve been feeling lately,
    and how I’ve felt occasionally in the past.
    Many of the things on your list also coincide with how I was and
    occasionally am.
    I have faith in myself though, that I can defeat this. 🙂

  • jon

    wow. i have been going through this since last March after my gf
    cheated. to repeat what everyone is saying, this is scary accurate.
    After kinda just wallowing in self pity for a few months (after dropping
    out of Gonzaga U’s law program and becoming a full-time musician) I
    have lately been struck by better thoughts. I still have moments of
    relapse but I feel like things are getting better! I feel that positive
    thought only makes the process speed up! So my advice to anyone who has
    the heart to try, is to fully believe that this WILL
    get better!

    God Bless

  • Amina

    I’m going through the very same thing. But the thing that helps me
    keep going is religion, look in to your spirituality, for me I found
    faith in Islam. Its helped me a lot but at times, its hard, but much
    better. Life is a bit more worth while. I hope the best for all of you,
    please take care.

  • Jay

    An empty shell in an empty universe. Everything seems pointless and I
    feel worthless brooding on mistakes I made years ago.

  • Wilson

    I have had these feelings of depression for at least 30 years. Mine
    are the type that come and go. The biggest problems with them are that
    they don’t seem to have any trigger or reason for coming on. I just
    told my wife about these feelings 2 years ago and she said she was
    relieved because she thought I didn’t love her anymore or something like
    that was the problem. That relavation that I had made her feel unloved
    made me feel even worse for awhile but I got over that. This latest
    incident of onset was about 36 hours ago. If it follows previous
    patterns then it will subside in about 2 more days or so. But this time
    it is so much more severe that I felt suicidal last night. The only
    thing that kept me from doing it was the thought of my wife finding me.
    I love her so much. My suicide would devastate her but I feel like me
    the way I am now is devastating her right now. I don’t know what to do.

  • ebbie

    Its good to know that Im not alone.
    I hate depression, drugs and everything that goes along with it.
    So I fight it all the time, push myself until I physically cant do
    anything anymore and the moment I feel stronger, I start over again.

    You know the worst thing, it doesnt seem to matter how much I try or
    how hard I try to make things get better, It just doesnt and when it
    seems like there a chance it always just goes away.

    I wish things would just get better for once, then maybe I wont feel
    so depressed.

  • B.

    Unfortunately, we are realists. We feel worthless because we truly
    are dust in the wind. We see life for what it really is, and that’s what
    depresses us. When we’re kids we’re just not mentally prepared for how
    crazy this world and it’s people really are. It’s shocking, the way this
    world is, we could be killed any second, same with family. How the hell
    is anybody NOT depressed?

  • Missy

    This message just made me realize that I’m not alone. I read it and
    couldn’t stop crying. The depression is new for me but I feel is so
    strongly. I am taking medication to help me sleep at night and I haven’t
    yet decided if I will see a doctor or not. Most likely but I’m trying
    to see if doing positive things in my life will help. It gives me some
    hope to know that I’m not alone. But of course I cry about it.

  • baba

    ive been depressed on and off for almost 20 years. i Feel like
    killing myself everyday but cant because of my wife and kids who depend
    on me. meds dont help anymore and im scarred to the fullest Good luck to
    all as we are all battling similar pain.Its the worst debilitating
    feeling one can have and is not right or normal. When you lose your
    communication skills, along with the confusion,anxiety, poor focus and
    concentration, we fall apart. its heartbraking knowing ive been totally
    fine and then am crushed with this illness from out of nowhere. Like the
    devil has stolen my mind. Remember suicide is a permanent cure for a
    temporary problem.but i want to be live

  • mark harrison

    Ya i feel all your pain. ive been depressed on and off for almost 20
    years. Currently getting rtms therapy in southern Ca, for a month and
    nothing yet. Feel like killing myself everyday but cant because of my
    wife and kids who depend on me. meds dont help anymore and im scarred to
    the fullest Good luck to all as we are all battling similar pain.Its
    the worst debilitating feeling one can have and is not right or normal.
    When you lose your communication skills, along with the
    confusion,anxiety, poor focus and concentration, we fall apart. its
    heartbraking knowing ive been totally fine and then am crushed with this
    illness from out of nowhere. Like the devil has stolen my mind.
    Remember suicide is a permanent cure for a temporary problem. Keep
    fighting, Mark Harrison

  • Daryn

    I feel alone, anxious, un-motivated and don’t want to do anything.
    Everything and anything feels like a difficult task. I constantly try to
    remember how I was before the depression, but I can’t really remember
    anything. I’ve thought about ending it all, but somewhere deep inside I
    know there’s the real me trying to break free. I found this forum by
    typing “Why am I feeling like this?”, and was surprised to see the
    results. I guess that’s a major question when you can’t take it anymore.
    I relate to a lot of these comments. Everyday feels like an endless
    struggle and it’s almost impossible to focus on anything. Just recently I
    got an MRI of my brain because I thought
    there might be a valid reason for all of this. It turns out I’m just
    losing my mind. I don’t like fearing the outside world. I have a vision
    of myself that I want to be, but I don’t want to try anymore. I don’t
    wish for anyone to feel like this, but at the same time I’m glad I’m not
    the only one.

  • K

    I feel like I’m never going to be truly happy again. I’ve changed,
    and not for the better. Like I’m not wanted. During the stages of
    depression, I feel like I don’t deserve to be around other people or
    even to live. I’m not interesed in a lot of things that I was before,
    get nervous a lot, don’t talk very much to the people that used to be my
    best friends, eat more, just because there is nothing else to do, and
    I’m not the same bubbly, cool person I was before.

  • Just me

    I can easily write DITTO x 208 messages.
    Maybe that is all I should put here.
    Misery of being poked in the eye with pins would be better than the
    misery of daily depression. Ahhhh, I know I am better than this, but
    where am I anyway!
    I have felt every way you all have described except for trying to commit
    suicide. I want to live and very rarely have hope that it will get
    better. I beg my friends and family for positive attitudes. But that is
    not fair. When they do come to me with problems, sometimes I get very
    strong. But I am soon exhausted. I am tired of taking care of even
    myself anymore. etc etc etc…

  • Luis Estrada

    Depression is a constant pain in my heart. A constant anxiety, fear,
    indecision an hopelessness.

    What else can I add. It is not a good place to be in and so hard to
    get out of.

    Every change I try to make in my life seems to make things worse.
    Company and love are the only remedy.

    Luis

  • ?

    let it go if you got it.
    quit holdin on to it.

    It’s bad energy..Just be free…
    All you want to do is get rid of it, so let it go. And go back to
    living a good life.

  • Brent

    THERE COMES A POINT EVERYDAY WHEN I REALIZE WHERE I AM. BUT EVERYDAY,IM IN A DIFFERENT
    PLACE. ITS NEVER A PLACE WHERE I WOULD HAVE PICTURED MYSELF.I SEE GLIMPSES OF HOPE ALONG THE WAY. BUT THESE FRAGMENTS IN TIME IN WHICH I HAVE A LOVE FOR LIFE ARE DROWNED OUT BY DARKNESS. i THOUGHT THE WAY TO HAPPINESS WAS TO HELP OTHERS AND BETTER MYSELF. BUT THAT ONLY LED TO HORRIBLE THINGS FOR ME. I AM A MAN. I TRY AND TELL MYSLEF THAT EVERY DAY. BUT THIS ONLY PUSHES MY WORRIES TO THE FRONT OF MY THOUGHTS. MY BABY WAS RAPED N THER IS A FIRE INSIDE ME THAT I FEAR I CANT EASILY PUT OUT.

  • Theo

    I feel like I’m inadequate at everything. Its as if life is too much
    trouble now. I can’t help to obsess over all of the mistakes I made. I
    have trouble putting my feelings into words and I can never describe
    things very well, I’m even having a lot of trouble writing this.
    Whenever it seems like things are turning out well, things become bad
    again. I haven’t kept romantic feelings for anyone for the past 4 years,
    and I avoid situations like that because it seems as if it will never
    end up well. I have only kept one friendship for more than a year. What
    is the point of life if most things just end up being a disappointment?

  • David

    I can’t feel happiness anymore. I don’t look forward to anything
    anymore. I can’t bear to be around people because I feel like my misery
    will just bring everyone around me down.

  • Sw

    Ive had all of that for 3years or so and cut myself on occasion
    where No one can see it. But I do get excited sometimes like when
    someone invites me over though I ussualy end up declineing. I used to
    make really good grades in school and now I can’t even put my self to
    doing simple homework assignments. I can’t write worth a shit anymore
    like I can’t even think of words in English to put in an essay and I
    can’t remember anything or even speak correctly anymore. I’m not doing
    any drugs that’s not my problem. I hate school, I sit by myself in the
    corner and I’m super self consceince about any little thing I do. I feel
    like I’m that girl everyone looks at and says thinks ew look wt the cat
    dragged in. I love to sing and think I’m truley quite good but no one
    has herd me sing before. I just want the pain to go away.

  • BATitus

    A lot of the time i dont care what people think of me. I’m just an
    empty shell that no one can understand. Life carrys no meaning. I just
    don’t care anymore. Sometimes I cry until I can’t breathe any more Other
    times I can’t cry, I just get angry. The tears wont come. I get
    emotional easily now. I have nightmares every week. I am so tired. I let
    people walk on me like a doormat. I put up a mask, but my friends
    notice something is up.

  • ian

    My persona has long since been reconciled with an all consuming and
    pervasive darkness. It’s now part of me; the rejected Multiverse, the
    inertia, the absence of energy and desire. No drugs nor any amount of
    group therapy can help obviate the truth that humanity’s existence is
    mere stardust. This is me. This is my life. Exist or die. That’s the
    choice. Nothing more meaningful than that!

  • nietzsche

    All that and add panic attacks: a sense of relief after 3 hours
    crying for who knows what, and then add a headache the rest of the day. I
    tried suicide last night, not disclosing details, but the sense of
    alarm of the body for the lack of oxygen tore it all up. At least the
    bunch of sedatives I took gave me 4 hours of sleep at night, and that’s
    always welcome in my case.

    New meds, I’ll give em 6 weeks, if they don’t work I’m afraid I’ll
    shoot myself. (If only i had a gun! I live in Mexico and for a normal
    legal person getting a gun is harder than getting uranium)

  • Catalena

    sometimes i feel trapped sometimes i feel like i don’t belong i
    don’t know anymore i really don’t think i ever knew i have friends but i
    feel alown i have a really great boyfriend but it doesn’t help my
    emoticons are all off its confusing…. i always fell like my hole life is
    one big dream like it doesn’t exist…….

  • Eman

    wow i have all these symptoms.. i’ve been having this for 2 years
    since i was 16 now i’m 18 i feel sad all the time my life isn’t going
    anywhere its just getting worse…I feel like i dont belong i also worry
    alot and i cant focus on anything but when i think about death
    everything seems so much better…I’m an outcast i’m not confident in
    myself at all i feel uncomfortable when i’m around people like i dont
    know how to communicate with people so i just want to be alone most of
    the time. I wish everyday for something bad to happen to me but nothing
    i’m still here…I always think whats the point why am i still living?MY LIFE IS POINTLESS…these
    past 18 years have been a waste 🙁

  • JC

    Spot on. Most accurate description of what I’m going through. I’ve
    read a lot about this, and this is the only thing I’ve read that’s ever
    got it right. Almost scary.

  • Andy

    Hi, ive felt” shit” for years…life seems different, dont look
    forward, so so low,cry for no reason , no excitment anymore, no feelings
    other than doom death ,cant be “arsed “doing anything,..comment 7
    [greg] acctually brought a tear to my eye as its 100% the way i
    feel…just normal happy everyday things would be a godsend …if this is
    life…it aint a good one…oh and my reccurent migraines just top it of!!!
    Going to try and dream of nice things …if only. God i pity my familly
    living with my crap.

  • Jenn

    I used to cry and it made me feel better. Then it got worse and I
    didn’t have the energy to cry. I didn’t have the energy to talk to
    people or even come out of my room. I became testy and started to push
    everyone away. My grades never suffered though. My school was the only
    thing I could focus on. Getting good grades didn’t bring any joy though,
    I didn’t feel like they were an asset to me, just something I had to
    do. My physical relationships are nothing now. I have no energy for
    those things that I used to so enjoy. It makes me even more depressed
    that I can’t please my other half. I feel mean because I din’t want him.

    I didn’t realize I was depressed until I started meds. Then I
    realized how much I was missing. I’m off meds now but its a constant
    battle.

  • MK

    It is unrentless – 24/7. It offers you no hope – no bargaining- no
    light – only the deep pain that becomes your constant companion. I feel
    for all of you so much – life is suppose to be fun and joyous. For some
    reason we have not been given that at this time. It is not us but the
    depression!!! May we all come out os this together and give us what
    others around us have – joy. May God Put a special touch on each of
    our lives today.

  • N.

    According to this page, i’ve been depressed since i started high
    school.
    Before that i felt like nothing mattered and i stopped caring. I’ve been
    depressed for 4 years … yay.

  • Emmie

    its like an overwelming feeling thats indescribable coming from
    within your stomach, like your soul is tainted. iv struggled with this
    depresson for about 7 years but things got really bad 5 years ago and
    ive been avoiding confronting it ever since but now its getting
    unbearable. its the pointless hopeless feeling that i cant deal with.
    the guilt for feeling this way is soul distroying. i cant remember when i
    last felt like a human being. 🙁 even the most caring person in the
    world cant help me

  • Stella

    I used to be a hopeful young woman who dreamt big thoughts and had
    lofty ambitions. Now, I am a young woman who wants to get by day-to-day
    without feeling so very hopeless or thinking too much about my future
    because it hurts too much to keep thinking positive thoughts when my
    reality is dour and uninspired. I am angry, ashamed, guilt-ridden and
    hurt. I feel I am merely taking up space in this world where I have no
    real purpose or value. I know I am an ingrate because I can’t fully
    appreciate my life right now, but I feel like an island unto myself,
    drifting aimlessly.

  • Nick

    I feel like ive been waiting for something to happen in my life and
    its never gonna happen and i dont want to be like this forever. i feel
    like my friends are better then me and im so scared that i will be like
    this forever, its always in the back of my mind. i feel like i dont know
    how to feel happy or mad or anything except for sad. i dont know if im
    depressed and i want to feel free and have more self esteem. this
    frustrates me so much that i think i think to much. thinking too much
    makes me break down in tears. i dont know if im depressed but im so
    scared that i am. every day i come home from school it feels like im a
    fuck up and i will always be.

  • Kaz

    Everything feels wierd. Scary things are on the verge of happening.
    Everythin feels off and not right. I dont enjoy things i used to love,
    but i try to do them anyway in the hopes that ill have fun. I’ve tried a
    couple antidepressants and they made a huge difference but even though
    my treatment is progressing, i feel like im broken and will never feel
    better ever again.

  • Robbie

    ITS BEEN NEARLY A YEAR NOW FOR ME,FEEL TOTALLY ISOLATED,NOT SLEEPING RIGHT,NOT EATING,AND NOT TALKING TO ANY ONE. NO ENERGY FEEL ASHAMED OF MY SELF I HAV 3 YOUNG KIDS WHO NEED THERE DAD IT BREAKS MY HEART.FEEL LIKE IV DIED IN SIDE MY BODY,CANT WORK ANY MORE SO EVENTUALLY WILL LOSE OUR FAMILY HOME. NO CONFIDENCE IN ANY THING,CANT BE BOTHERED. THIS IS NOT ME ITS LIKE A CANCER IN SIDE ME EATING IN SIDE MY HEAD.HAV THOUGHT OF SUISIDE A FEW TIMES HAV NOT RULED
    IT OUT BECAUSE I DONT FEEL LIKE IM LIVING ANY WAY AND
    MY FAMILY DESERVE BETTER.

  • Kirra

    I just have trouble going on. Everything my friends or family say in
    a joking way hurts. I get so mad sometimes but then I’m just too tired
    to do anything. I feel like I can’t do anything. My family don’t help,
    they make it worse. My mom hits me and my dad did but I’m lucky now
    because he’s in Iraq. Everyone thinks it’s wrong for me to hate him, but
    he hates me. He’s told me he does. When I don’t have anyone to help me
    through it it just gets worse. Sometimes friends are able to see
    somethings wrong but after pushing them away for so long alot of them
    don’t care anymore. The way people treat me at school because I dress
    different and because I’m albino isn’t fair. When you’re in a world
    that’s as judging as ours (and it is despite what people think) just
    make it harder. How are people like me supposed to go on in a world
    where we have no one to help us.

  • Ddee

    Inside a bubble feeling trapped.Looking seeing
    nothing.People everywhere,yet feeling alone.
    This weight on my shoulder’s getting heavy.If
    something doesn’t give.Can I help myself,I don’t even know.It’s in my
    body.Even in my sleep. I can’t escape this.I’m a strong minded
    person.At least that’s,What I thought.What did, I do to deserve this.Am i
    imagining this.Every
    day is getting.Harder and harder.Can people see
    this.I’m shutting down at a snail’s pace.
    Everything is just …….Forcing myself is not
    working anymore.Someone talk to me.

  • joanne

    i have suffered with deep depression twice before and think i am on
    the same slippery slope all over again! i was doing so well, four years
    free of the weight around my neck and it feels like its coming back.
    reading these reminds me of how bad i was and how good ive felt for four
    years,im so frightened of how bad it could get again! a new doctor in
    two days and just hope he is as helpful as my last one was! i will get
    better and i wont let it win !!!!!! trying to convince myself before the
    real rot sets in!

  • the invisible person

    i feel so invisible! no matter what i do or say i’m invisible!!!
    nobody listens to me. my friends tell me to speak louder, but even then
    they won’t listen to me. i feel like strangling the next person who tell
    me to speak louder. i feel like i’m slowly fading away and while that’s
    happening so is the world! nothing seems to really matter anymore. i
    just feel so tired and i want to lie down and cry all the time. i wish i
    were getting somewhere in life and that there was some color in my
    life. everything is grey and monotone. my life isn’t worth living. all i
    ever do is sleep and cry.

  • nathan

    YEA HAVE BEEN THROUGH A PERIOD OF MY LIFE WITH DEPRESSION WHICH LASTED ABOUT 5 MONTHS WHEW FELT LIKE FOREVER ANYHOW THINGS ARE NORMAL AN IM REGAINING MY ABILITY TO CARRY ON CONVESATIONS AGAIN!

  • Angel

    I’m in tears reading these….because each post seems to describe at
    least one piece of how i feel when depression sets in. I’m bi-polar
    type 2 and have been on my meds, and haven’t had a major depressive
    episode in quite awhile. This one is hitting hard. Thank you, all of
    you. For knowing how it feels.

  • MourningDove

    I guess everyone (here especially) has had a hard go at life. No
    different here. I want to be a good person. I don’t want to lie to be
    accepted. I don’t want to hide from the rest of the world. But I do.

    Sometimes I just want to pull that trigger. What a beautiful
    release? I don’t know. All I know is I am scared. I guess I prefer the
    pain of living over the mystery of death.

    Masochism?

    I wish I had more courage. It seems I am in this state of mind too
    often.

    Sad case – I have a great husband and a beautiful life (when you
    really stop to think about it). But – these moments take hold and I
    have, nothing. Sometimes I think I wasn’t meant to be.

    But, I’ll be here. Suffering – until the end.

  • Elona

    This feeling has been creeping up inside me since my mother tried to
    kill herself when i was in 8th grade. I cut myself because it feels
    amazing, and calms me down. I cry A LOT and
    want to cry about everything. I feel like the loneliest person in the
    world, and no one ever cares. I am an only child, and my parents dont
    really spend time with me, no one really spends time with me. Ive hated
    my life for a while now, and dont know what to do about it. I dont want
    help, and i have thought about killing myself, but dont ever know if i
    could go through with it. I hate my life now, and i suppose im still
    keeping myself alive because i wanna see how things go when i grow up.
    The future is the only reason im still here.

  • Harry

    I’m 27 and a sufferer of severe depression. I am lucky that I have a
    loving family that tries to understand me. I’m a lawyer and high
    achiever, but my condition has always had an enormous impact on my life,
    and it’s always there, like a weight that never moves. It breaks my
    heart to hear all these stories – people’s bodies and minds ensnared in
    so many ways. It’s a beautiful chorus of souls crying into a dark and
    infinite night. Remember you are not condemned. Keep testing the
    boundaries of your condition and practice patience.

  • Stephanie

    well i’m 17. I know i suffer from depression. it kinda started after
    my best friend died when i was 13. from then on i’ve been in depressive
    moods. even with my wonderful boyfriend and amazing friends i still
    feel sad at times and suicidal even. i was convinced to talk to a
    teacher who is getting me help soon. i’m just waiting on a call… my mom
    doesnt help me and my step dad just puts me down every chance he gets.
    my father is clueless. i’ve cut myself in the past which i regret
    everyday. i get panic attacks almost evrytime i cry. but i go to school
    putting a fake smile on so no one has to see what i feel,feel what i
    do.i’m glad that there are people out there that actualy has felt what
    i’m feeling. it makes you start to feel not so alone.

  • B Hadey

    I hurt inside. No, wait, INSIDE inside.
    It’s no ache or pain. It’s constant, feels like its eating out my self.
    I only lose it when I get some sleep-but it is present again even
    before I’m fully awake. The only way I can free the demon is to kill
    myself. It is coming to get me.

  • Lucy

    hey everyone.. well im only 15 and for new years i got very drunk
    on whiskey :/ and past out and now im starting to feel the depressing
    side of alcohol. i know im to young but life seems to make things wrong
    at the moment. Reading these stories has shown me that im not the only
    person who has these feelings, an how wrong i am to have judge others.

    i know this site is more about alcohol but it mght help for some.. i
    used to be happy most of the time and alcohol has all of a sudden
    killed it. hope it helps (:

    http://www.rcpsych.ac.uk/mentalhealthinfo/problems/alcoholanddrugs/alcoholdepression.aspx

    -lucy x

  • Sam

    I have always known how things would be, how things would all turn
    out for me. I’ve never had high hopes and I know I won’t make anything
    of myself. But I do know the one thing that gives me the slightest
    satisfaction in life is giving, and I think i might just spend the rest
    of my life doing that. At least then maybe I will be remembered for
    something.

  • KJ

    It feels as if I’m trapped inside my own mind. Feels as though I’m
    looking through a veil at the world. My senses are dulled. My zest for
    life has disappeared. Life has eroded away my fervor. I’m tired of
    living.

  • Leela

    I just randomly found this site. This describes how I’ve been
    feeling all my life. But how do I know I’m depressed? Part of me says I
    must be and the other part just says that everyone else is allowing
    themselves to live stupid-blind-happy lives as sheep. So I don’t know
    what to think. But I think I’ve found someone who really cares about me
    and if I keep my behavior up then I’m going to lose that person for
    sure. I don’t know how to get help though or where is start. I’m just
    glad I found this list cause I felt like I was the only one. The thing
    is I never considered depression as an option because the way I feel
    doesn’t seem “wrong” like I’m different from everyone and I need
    medication. What if I get put on medication and become a fake person,
    not being true to how I see the world? The depression described in this
    list is definitely nothing like those stupid drug commercials you see on
    TV.

  • Eva

    When I’m depressed and find it hard to make the smallest decisions,
    when everything seems hopeless how does one “go get help”? Especially
    if you don’t have a family doctor that is sympathetic. It’s takes a lot
    of energy to try and get help. Something that depression sucks out of
    you.

  • Yvonne

    awe. when i read this it reminds me of my grandmother who used to
    have this sympton before she died… she committed suicide. To this day I
    am very upset about it, and it happend four years ago. =,(

  • Kristyn

    I am doing research on this for a project at school. I didnt know
    much about it at all. But now that I have read about it… i am sorry for
    those who have it.

  • Abby

    Everything I accomplish is without meaning. I feel like I have
    created this game that is impossible for me to win. It feels like it is
    all my fault that I can not be happy.

  • Georgie

    I’ve had this for a while – I’m a 15 year old and when I was 12
    experienced loss of both my grandparents and this year I’ve experienced
    several abusive relationships which has knocked me about a bit. I’ve
    tried to tell my mom but she says “aren’t we all” and it feels terrible
    when my friends ask me what’s up – I can’t actually physically explain
    it.

  • monk

    Hey everyone – join the crowd. But listen, it’s not about YOU, it’s about your BRAIN.
    Depression is a physiological disease and there is currently NO CURE for it. You’re not as whacked out as you THINK you are. You need to seek help, get on the
    right meds, and PRAY for a cure soon. But
    don’t pray to God, he can’t help you.

  • Amanda

    I’m thirteen, almost fourteen now. And I have had depression since I
    was ten. I never tried to kill myself, and I don’t want to. But…
    sometimes life gets way too hard. But we just gotta pray and hope
    someday this life will make sense.

  • Ann

    I feel like everyone sees me as a joke. I worry a lot about work-
    about losing my job and not being able to find another one (because if
    I’m the big loser I think I am, who would hire me?) I worry that the
    people who supposedly care about me just don’t anymore, or if they still
    do, they won’t for much longer. I feel slighted by every little
    comment. It’s exhausting.

  • Libby

    I’ve been depressed almost my whole life. I have tried so many
    depression and anziety medications, but I can’t seem to stop the
    feelings of dying. I have never attempted suicide but i think abou it
    most of the time. i see other people as having their lives together
    except for me. I feel so alone like i don’t feel connected to this
    world.

  • Mariah

    Depression becomes who you are. You can’t feel or think about
    anything but depression. It feels like your in a bubble and all you can
    feel is pain and sadness. You can see people and you can see that they
    love you but you just can’t feel it. My depression gets so bad that my
    legs go numb and I can barely walk. All you feel like doing is crying.

  • christopher

    Anxiety is what you feel. It flows through you like blood but blood
    never hurt. Sleep is the the only answer I have found, it is no wonder
    people decide to do it forever.

  • kc-

    I suffer from severe depression and axiety and feel like sometimes i
    just want a girl to talk to and hug becuase i feel so alone and sad. I
    feel like my social axiety and depression get’s in the way of me being
    able to live a normal life. I Feel like i have no more left in my tank
    sometimes to go on in life and i just want to stay asleep for the entire
    time so that the pain goes away. I suffered from physcotic paranoia,
    axiety, and breath taking depression. It has disabled my life and i feel
    sometimes nothings gonna get better and i cry and wish i could be the
    happy person i once was. The only things that makes me happy and relize
    that everythings gonna be okay is god. For the people that have no hope
    and want to find an escape, go to god. listen to the christian radio
    station known as family radio on f.m. staion. Be sure to listen to it at
    8:30 to 10:00 p.m on weekdays and it will change your life. love y’all

  • Melissa

    I’m 13 years old and i been depressed 4 like 3 years now im tried of
    life im tried the way ppl treat me and the way my brother treats me he
    treats me like if i were a dog am tried of it it seems that dieing seems
    so welcomeing,asureing,and a good feeling i dont know what 2 do if i
    should die or not some 1 help me i need help please if some 1 even care
    give me some advise before i kill myself and that mite be really soon i
    dont no how soon but it mite really soon so some 1 please help me> 🙁

  • Jude

    I will not get help. I just keep praying. Asking, at the same time,
    if I’m talking to the ceiling. Since I was very little, I thought I
    was going to be alone. Nothing told me right out, I simply knew it. I
    think about it every day. I will graduate from a good school, become a
    successful writer, and visit my family for holidays. And still be
    entirely alone. The worst of it is, I’ve told a horrible lie. To my
    best friend, my confidant:
    She questioned my life plan. I spent half an hour going on about how I
    didn’t care if I was alone—just me. Living day to day with no one to
    hold my hand because I don’t need it!
    But that, you see, is my greatest fear.

  • Shawn

    Life is not always the easiest thing to get through, especially when
    your suffering from an illness that people just don’t seem to
    understand. It hurts me though to hear of people giving up all hope and
    wanting to end there life. As someone who suffers from GAD I know that there is always times when life
    feels like it’s just to overwhelming to handle; but in every darkcloud
    there is a silver lining. You may not realize it now but we all have a
    purpose in this world, whether you believe in a higher power or not.
    There is always treatment out there, and though results might be slow
    they will come as long as you believe. Please don’t give up hope, there
    is always a reason to live and someone who cares. Sometimes you just
    have to think about it, love always.

  • hopeful

    I have struggled for years with depression it has destroyed a lot
    for me.I have lost all my friends because of it because they didn’t
    understand or care.Its like waking up in a prision cell personally. You
    feel trapped and alone.You have a hard time doing normal things like
    brushing your teeth and concentrating.You look for some kind of relief
    but you know the pain will return.Depression is the silent killer and it
    destroys plenty of lifes almost mine.But you got to keep going because
    it will end I promise like 2pac said“keep ya head up” I hope you guys do
    godbless

  • Scott

    Finally, it’s all come to a head, I’ve now lost everything that
    would have prevented me from killing myself. My 2nd wife recently left
    me, I’m unemployed, broke, and suffering from uncontrollable diabetes
    just to name a few of life’s precious gifts handed me…

    I’ll not stick around to indulge the added emotional blitzkrieg,
    torrent of depression and panic that loosing my home and the last sliver
    of dignity will bring. Sounds like a great deal of freaking fun, but no
    thanks, I’ll pass…

    I’ll tie up as many lose ends as possible before I check out. Hate
    to be a burden to anyone. Only question now is, would making it look
    like an accident be worth the added effort. It’s looking like it would
    be.

    I wish you all the best, I sincerely do.

  • calie

    well.
    1. my first boyfriend cheated on me with my best friend.
    2. i gave him another chance and i fell in love with him, he said he
    loved me too (LIE)
    and then i dumped he for the millionth time which never seemed to bug
    him but this time he never came back, after he went out with all of my
    closet friends.
    3. my mom abuses me.
    4. my friends dont care about me at all.
    5. im not smart, preety, or good at anything.
    6. my dad never cared he never even called untill now , but he
    doesnn’t care.
    7 we never visit family ever.

    Iwanttodie.

  • Cait

    I have this feeling like everything lacks meaning, almost as if I
    have given too much into my own idea of happiness and contentment. When I
    am happy it feels fake. When I am sad it feels exaggerated even when it
    is cutting me. I think I am in constant war with myself and my
    surroundings but all I want is peace. I hate myself for feeling pain
    when no harm is given to me, I feel like puking when I treat others
    badly for my own insecurity and obvious narcsism, but it is at times
    fully who I am. That is what makes me constantly fantisize it being
    over, I don’t know how to be good to people when I am so afraid.
    Depression is (I know it’s cheesey) but it is a mask, I feel like hiding
    all the time.

  • Trevor

    HELP!!! I don’t know why I feel this way.
    I have a wonderful partner, two step sons, dogs…a great job (that I
    currently HATE)…

    But I just am in a hole…feel lost…can’t find my way out!

    The stress is compounded by tinnitus (ringing in the ears…) The
    more stressed I am…the more it rings/buzzs… A vicious circle.

    Bad decisions follow one after the other…and now have sold the
    family home and everyone will be out in a few weeks and what then? I’ve
    destroyed not only my own life but my partners and the kids…

    And for what? I’m 50yrs…and feel USELESS
    I am past half way…and could have enjoyed my life but instead have
    taken my partner for granted. WHY did he
    stay?

    I feel guilt, anger…but also unbelieveably tired and just ‘lazy’…

    I can’t get motivated at work…and the thought of 10 more yrs here is
    too much to handle…

    What do I do? Stop the world…I want to get off… The mess I leave
    behind…is something I wouldn’t want others to have to clean up though
    ;-(

  • Tony

    Depression truely feels like hell on earth … I have a good life but
    mentally it doesn’t feel as if I do … I feel empty all tge time ….
    Winning the lottery wouldn’t help at this point …. Don’t give up tho
    stay strong People … Belive in yourselfs and well being…. The storm will
    pass overtime .. Good luck to all

  • me

    I don’t even know how I feel. I just know that everything irritates
    me and I want to run from the world. Nothing really matters that did
    once have meaning, and so much scares me. I spend most of my time
    shaking and stressing about this world, thinking that the only way to
    save me is dying. my heart feels heavy most days. I don’t know what to
    do anymore, i just wish that life was not like this.

  • Nichole

    I have slipped into a deep depression since being laid off. I feel
    like the world is my enemy, I can’t sleep, I have constant headaches,
    and no energy to do anything. I have nothing but free time, yet my house
    is always a mess. I’ve started drinking on a regular basis and taking
    sleeping pills just to pass out and excape the dreadfull feelings I now
    carry around.

  • Sylar

    sigh Depression sucks. . .
    And a lot of people just tell me that I’m being an angsty teenager and
    that my life just really isn’t that bad. But I’m not some whiney little
    kid crying over something stupid. I don’t care about anything, I’ve lost
    interest in MANY things that I once loved.
    I’m always sad, even if something good happens. I’ve never gotten pills
    or anything to help, I don’t want anything like that, I just want
    happiness. I’m a pretty good writer, and lately, I’ve been writing
    things that really disturb me, and I don’t know why. . .I think it’s not
    getting over all the many things I’ve lost in life I’m not exactly
    sure…
    Please, someone, tell me what you think. Maybe I am just some whiney
    kid, or do I really need help??

  • Remf

    What if you just don’t care about anything. like you don’t care to
    live nor die but committing suicide would take to much effort.
    would that be depression?

  • Paige

    I’ve been depressed for four years. It started when I started being
    emotionally abused, every day, all day, for two years, and it didn’t go
    away when the abuse ended. I think I have PTSD
    too. I could just be permanently fucked up in every way possible. I’m
    going to see a psychiatrist today and I feel incredibly anxious that she
    might not give me anti-d and I might feel this way for the rest of my
    life. I find this ironic, but not funny enough to laugh. I just cry
    instead.

  • Turquoise

    I relocated a little over a year ago to be with my boyfriend and
    within 3 months had a massive anxiety attack. Ever since I have felt
    more or less nothing for my boyfriend and obsess about this every second
    of the day. I doubt everything in my life. It’s like I can’t reach him
    or feel connected. I am so depressed. I don’t know if the depression
    started first or the lack of feelings, it’s so muddled. I don’t want to
    break up from him however, I want to be with him.

    Does anyone else feel this way?

  • Makenzie

    Reading this made my jaw drop, Every little bullet point is what i
    go through day to day. I feel abnormal, like everyone else in the world
    is blind, and only I am seeing what is wrong with life, only I am
    suffering. Misery loves company, ha, it’s true. I like the feeling of
    knowing I am not alone. But I don’t wish anyone depression, or to
    suffer, I hope soon one day we can find some relief, in something.

  • Roxanne

    I just feel soooo alone. I can’t talk to anyone. When I go to the
    psiquiatrist I’m unable to explain all that I’m feeling. My family keeps
    laughing at me, it seems so as they refuse to believe I’m depressed and
    think I’m just a drama queen. I can’t stand them anymore.
    I love my boyfriend, but I can tell he’s so tired of me crying with no
    reason and my mood changes, tired of me not talking about it. How could I
    tell him I want to die?
    I isolated myself from friends, closed my facebook account, stopped
    checking my emails, if ocassionally my phone rings i don’t answer it. I
    just don’t want people to know what’s going on in my life.
    You know how you sort of get a sore-troat when holding your tears? I
    feel it all day long and can’t wait for the day to end so i can release
    them. The pain is so bad I feel like choking and my head hurts
    continuosly from the lack of air.
    Also, i’m a failure, literally, I’ve failed in every attempt of making
    it into a career.

  • lost

    i dont know if im depressed, when im with people i can put on a
    mask, smile and laugh and forget myself. thats all fine. but the moment i
    get home and im alone, it all floods back. the self haterid, like a
    grey fog. when i go to bed im tired but i cant sleep because i keep
    going over and over things that cause me anxiety, its funny, im most
    honest with myself in the moments i feel like im falling into a pit of
    dispair because im not blocking it all out.

    the most frustrating infuriating thing is the way im constantly
    picturing my own suicide. it was distressing at first but now its just a
    dull picture in my head and a feeling of hopelessness as i realise that
    even the act of taking my own life would make little difference, im
    only 1 in 6,000,000,000 and totally alone anyway. noone would care.

    i just want to know how to be happy

  • Elly

    It was the dreams. The multitude of negative, vivid dreams that left
    me waking up feeling mentally and physically exhausted and afraid of
    what the day was going to bring me.

    Getting out of bed was a struggle, not helped at all by my sore
    limbs and drained mind. Then I would walk miserably into the kitchen,
    unable to smile or talk. A hot coffee mug in my hands was the sole
    simple pleasure that helped me through the morning.

    I contemplated suicide every day. My waking hours were tinted with
    gray. I didn’t feel like myself anymore. I kept imagining people hating
    me, being angry at me, and I would wonder whether I was worth liking.

    Anxiety was the merciless, cruel ruler of my mind. Perfectionism
    haunted me. I began to fear school, and felt like crying on the morning
    of each class day.

  • maria

    depression is a huge monster that has gobbled me up and I am inside
    its belly, and I cannot scratch my way out, and sometimes it will puke
    me out, and I think I am free, and I start to run down the sidewalk, I
    start to skip and to sing, and I am almost at the park, my hand is
    opening the gate, the other children are on the other side playing with
    their families, and just as I am about to step through the gate, the
    giant monster grabs my hem and drags me back down his belly, and I
    scream and scream and say, NO!! I want to play with the children, I
    don

  • Teceira

    Well I’m about to go see my phiciatrist, but alot of what yall are
    saying is kindof how i feel,, it’s kind of like that song The Unamed
    FeelingBy; Metallica, just don’t give up,, i feel like giving up but i’m
    not!

  • that guy

    I hate myself, plain and simple. I’ll look at a friend, or a
    stranger, or anyone and think, “Why are they so happy?“I cant talk to
    people anymore and I’ve become bitter and full of spite about just
    everything. I can’t look at children anymore without becoming pissed off
    while thinking about how happy I was as a kid. Everything seems
    unhappy, and even in situations where I should be ecstatic, the only
    thing I can think is, “This is a good thing.“No emotions anymore. I wish
    I could cry or something…

  • Tracy

    I have read many of your posts and I am sorry for your suffering.
    Many of you have said that life is just not worth living. I hope you
    are getting help through therapy, medication, spiritual counseling, etc.
    I was searching about depression and found this site. I felt
    depressed today and have days where all I want to do is watch TV, sleep,
    and be a couch potato and then I feel guilty for doing that. I can
    relate to many of the symptoms of lethargy and lonliness. I am married
    with a son, but can still relate to feelings of lonliness. I know that
    when I am helping or serving other people I feel better. When I am by
    myself is when I feel the worst. I do believe in Jesus and want to make
    it to Heaven one day to live forever. I won’t take my own life for any
    reason but sometimes life can feel hopeless when you are surrounded by
    negativity. Try to do things that make you feel better instead of
    worse. I will keep all of you in my prayers.

  • 58

    Yesterday I took a sleeping bag, several pillows and towels into the
    darkest room in our home. I sealed as much light out of as I could. I
    covered my eyes with the remaining towel and it was as close as I could
    come to feeling safe. I’m not sure of what I felt safe from or why I
    needed to lay on a tile floor at 10:00 in the morning to get any feeling
    of comfort. Depression grips my soul, mind and heart and only relents
    when it tires of me…but I know it will be back, it always is. Like so
    many others, I too do not find joy in the things I once did.

  • jackie

    I feel like im going crazy that im going to wake up one day and be a
    vegetable. My head doesnt work like it used to, and i feel no emotion
    towards anything. I laugh but not a real laugh i smile but not an actual
    smile. I want to sleep allday beacuse i dont think im capable of doing
    anything else, when Really i want to go to normal when i worked and had
    fun with my friends and family when i laughed and planned for my future.
    But now it feels like what future you cant even get off the floor. I
    feel like im brain deaad and theres no way to fix it. So whats the point
    of going on?

  • anonymous

    I’ve always hated myself and felt alone like im in a dark corner and
    every1 just walks by and don’t notice me. 20 of the 23 above things
    about depression apply to me is it possible that i suffer from
    depression?

  • Ki

    I hate myself. I see myself as a worthless burden on my family, my
    boyfriend, and the world in general. I would like nothing better than to
    die suddenly in some accident so they don’t have to live with the pain
    of my suicide. Like others have said, I merely exist. I have nothing
    really to “be sad” about, and that’s what makes it worse. The guilt is
    overwhelming. The only thin rays of light in my darkness are my cat and
    my boyfriend, and even with them it feels off. Nothing feels good. I
    want to die, but I’m too much of a coward to end it.

  • yf

    My 11 year old was thinking of suicide. She grabbed a handful of my
    pain meds. She even laid out the dress she wanted to be burried in and
    left her will. This website helps me understand her emotions a lot
    more. We have an apt tomorrow with her therapist.

  • Jonnie

    The other day I was feeling really low, and hopeless. There are so
    many reasons which contribute to these feelings. After reading through
    these articles, I don’t need to share my story, but I do need to say
    that I understand. I am a Christian, which in ways, makes me feel even
    more guilt for my feelings of depression and thoughts of hopelessness.
    These feelings, however, are very real and very much human. They are
    common to us all, no matter who you are. Maybe they vary in degrees and
    intensity, but they are still common. I have prayed for all of you, and
    then I went to my churches web site.

  • Deborah

    I agree with most of these posts… I feel lost and in such deep
    seeded pain that I can’t seem to return from. Years of meth abuse has
    destroyed my ability to feel happy, safe or able to cope with life. The
    only peace I get is when I sleep. I pray for the morning not to come for
    I will have to face myself and my pain for another day. I do not have
    the guts (yet) to kill myself but I want to so badly. I have lost my
    job, my home and my happiness.

  • just me...

    i have trouble getting out of bed. i feel pesimistic like the days
    gonna be a bad one. i’m always thinking about suicide. i used to cut my
    wrists, drink vodka, and just lie dorment and unfeeling. I’m only 14 and
    i’m tired of people always trying to pin it on puberty and saying its a
    phase or because i’m growing up. i dont even know anymore if i am.
    every day seems like a week every week a month and every month a year.
    sometimes i just want all this to end. i have good friends and family
    that are keeping me in the fight. this message i’m just using as a
    release. things havn’t gotten better but they will soon i hope… i know
    god can help me though. maybe this message will be read by him and he’ll
    help me. thanx for letting me release these emotions. maybe i’ll have a
    good day today.

  • kolten

    Yea. Um. I rlly don’t know how to go about doing this.
    I guess u would consider me depressed. Its hard for me to pull Cs n
    school. My family just bombards me with crap day in and day out. I have
    tried to commit suicide. Its not that I failed or messed up at trying
    it, its just tht I lost the will to move the knife up. I cut myself
    every once n awhile. ‘Bleed just to know ur still alive’ or whatever tht
    is. I rlly don’t want to b happy. Or at least I don’t think I do. I’m
    scared to find out what would happen if I wasn’t depressed. Who would I
    be? What would I be? I guess I’ve just gotten so used to being this way,
    I don’t think I could go another.

  • Marcia

    In the list above, two things struck me. One was that it is hard to
    hold a conversation. This is so true. I can’t seem to enjoy glib
    small talk. I don’t want to do glib small talk. Most of the time I
    just want to avoid people.
    The other thing that struck me is that it feels like there is a glass
    wall between myself and the rest of the world. I’ve gotten to the point
    where I know that no one will really know me. No one really wants to
    know me. They want to know a facsimili of me, but not me. I’ve learned
    to keep myself away from people because I will eventually get rejected.
    People will only tolerate so much of me before they back away.
    And the irony in all these miles of walls that protect me; I am lonely.

    But I don’t want to hurt people and I feel like I always do.

  • jessica

    i dont know if im trippin or is this real , but all these symptohmps
    been going on know for months , dont know how to deal with my self any
    more and besides that my boyfriend wanna leave me to and it just hits me
    sooo hard ….really dont know wich step to take i feel so hopeless
    ,useless dont know how to deal with that situation …that my bf gone
    leave ….i really dont know what is going to happen when he is gone
    !!!!!!! i need his help and support to make things better again for me
    in live …….plz can someone give me a good advice to make the first step
    into a better part of my life ,.thx

  • craig

    This song is how I feel
    Metallica Fade to Black

    Life it seems will fade away
    Drifting further every day
    Getting lost within myself
    Nothing matters, no one else

    I have lost the will to live
    Simply nothing more to give
    There is nothing more for me
    Need the end to set me free

    Things not what they used to be
    Missing one inside of me
    Deathly lost, this can’t be real
    Cannot stand this hell I feel

    Emptiness is filling me
    To the point of agony
    Growing darkness taking dawn
    I was me but now he’s gone

    No one but me can save myself
    But it’s too late
    Now I can’t think
    Think why I should even try

    Yesterday seems as though
    It never existed
    Death greets me warm
    Now I will just say goodbye

  • Saurabh Khurana

    My real brother is not felling well, since last 2wks, I spend more
    then 10days around the ICU, around him.
    Now he is bit batter, we are sure he will come out from this situation.
    but after coming back from the hospital (staying in the different
    country with my wife & sweet daughter) felling very low, just
    thinking about him (my brother – 41ys old) & my self as life is
    quite unsartain..
    Felling very low, sleepy

  • Cindy

    Depression…that’s been my life’s journey. A journey no one should
    even have to be on. I’ve tried the path of drugs which only gave me
    every side affect plus some. I’ve tried every type of doctor,
    non-traditional help, everything. I then searched through every
    religion on this earth to find a better path that might lead me to a
    little peace. Nothing helped ever – nothing. I live in darkness, while
    the world is spinning around me. There doesn’t seem to be any sense to
    anything – no purpose in anything – no reason for anything. What was
    all of this for? The source that created all of this….for what purpose?
    There is so much suffering in the world. Not only us with depression,
    but all types of suffering. I wish I had a magic wand for all of you
    out there – I want all of us to end this journey to nowhere. I feel
    like I’m addicted to it – but there’s no help. I too don’t want
    tomorrow to come. I’m tired of this long long journey. This must be
    hell.

  • Jasmin

    I sleep for long periods of time. I wake up happy, energetic and
    excited because I tell myself it will be a new day. Then I feel nothing.
    I could be talking to a friend, and then during a funny conversation I
    will suddenly feel dread, anxiety, and not really sure of why. Usually
    around 1-2 in the afternoon, feelings of anxiety pummel my body, and
    then the rest of the day is left with me walking around feeling numb and
    my brain trying to desperatly find a reason for why I feel this way. I
    usually take it out on my boyfriend, always dreading irrationally that
    he will do something to me to make me angry.
    I try to hide it from him, I try to hide it from my friends and family,
    but they know. They know my depression is getting worse. I need help.
    But I don’t know what to do. I feel lost and the feelings dont go away.

  • gord

    I’m having more days of feeling like this and it really affects my
    family the most, my wife has left me and I struggle to keep
    communicating with my two kids who still live with me. At work I seem to
    be able to get through the day but when I get home it hits me hard. I
    love my family and have no desire for anything or anybody and have had
    thoughts of ending this struggle. I wish I could enjoy life again. I
    feel so alone and so tired. G

  • Samantha

    I have/had depression. I often ask myself sometimes why and what
    happened to me. And I have thoughts of suicide yet I know it’s wrong of
    doing so. At the same time, I’m also trying to seek for help. But it’s
    also so hard for me to seek for help as well. I also think about how
    much I missed certain precious times in my life until now I sometimes
    don’t know who I am anymore or what my life is. I often don’t like
    myself at times. I receieve negative comments from even those I love.
    And certain past issues has left a scar in my heart that never seems to
    heal. I feel like dying but yet some part of me can’t. I don’t know
    where to go sometimes. I feel compltely lost. I hate the fact that when
    I’m depressed it hurts the ones I love who care about me. And the ones
    who need me. And that HURTS.

  • how to deal with anxiety

    Well it aways feels like this is the end of the world. Even if there
    is a ray of hope one don’t want to take it as we feel that there is
    nothing but darkness in your life.

    Some natural anxiety remedies to look into are St.John’s Wort, SAMe, L-Theanine, and Tryptophan. There’s also
    cognitive behavioral therapy (CBT) and
    programs like Panic Away and The Linden Method, to name a few. Hope this
    helps!

  • Khloe

    I cried when I read this. I didn’t think I was depressed, but that
    was before I realized two-thirds of this list applied to me.

  • Michelle

    I have been through this before and i have to say that it does go
    away. For me it lasts months at a times and it is the most misrable
    feeling anyone could possably go through. I would not wish this on
    anyone. I’m currently going through it again and i feel like there will
    be no ending this time, but we have to be patient because it may feel
    that it’ll never go away but it will i promise. Praying and supportive
    family and spouse is helpful and I know it’s hard but patience. To
    anyone who wants to or have tried to take there life PLEASE
    DONT. Pray and ask Jesus to take this pain
    away. He dosen’t hand us anything we cant handle or eventually shake.
    Good Luck to everyone and God Bless.

  • dave

    A few years ago, a colleague asked me “What does it feel like?” as
    we walked across campus. I told him “It feels like I’m trying to move my
    feet through molasses or something viscous, with heavy weights attached
    to me… while my hand is being crushed in a handpress.” It hurts and I
    can’t make any progress.

    “That’s descriptive…” he said.

    “Yeah…” was my response.

  • Doesn't Matter

    I lost my son nearly 15 years ago and my wife never let it go. I
    felt like I got past it and things were looking up. Then my wife
    commited suicide and left me to take care of our daughter alone. I’ve
    lost my job and any happy thoughts I used to have. I keep up appearances
    for the sake of my daughter and have never told her how her mother
    really died. I’m never happy, I don’t want to do anything, I don’t even
    want to sleep. I’m certain things will always be bad because everytime
    things start to make a turn for the better something else happens. I
    want to die but I know if I do it will destroy my daughter and I can’t
    do that to her. She is the only thing that keeps me going.

  • Veronica

    I just feel alone. There are four other people that live in my house
    and I still feel like I don’t belong. I have a boyfriend and he’s
    always upset with me for being “sad all the time” like he says. I’ve
    been unemployed for the past eight months and I feel like there’s no way
    to escape my financial, emotional and mental strains other then death.
    I’m always thinking of other people and myself dying in horrible ways. I
    used to like to dress up and hang out with friends but I’ve lost touch
    with all of them since I moved. They don’t need to see me this way
    anyway. I wish I could kill myself but it’d hurt my family too much. All
    of my relationships are fading. I’ve begged, pleaded, threatened and
    yelled at God to take me. I believe my time is coming. I hope I’m right.

  • miri

    When I am depressed everything feels flat. The trees which usually
    give me a sense of pleasure and wonder are ugly. I feel guilty about
    neglecting the housework and slacking at work or not interacting with my
    family. Everything is intense effort, if it gets done at all. I don’t
    get pleasure from anything and I get very, very angry very quickly, and
    then it is back to flat, but at least it’s something. Things pass me by.
    I read a paragraph and realize I had no idea what I had just read.
    Thoughts I can’t push away come to my mind of bad things happening that
    are outside of my control. It is all only made worse by knowing that it
    is temporary but I can’t find the energy to fix it.

  • mark

    it started raining when i was sixteen, a cold drizzle that took all
    the colour out of the world; under the weight of that rain i literally
    sank to my knees; its been cold and damp ever since; prozac helps a
    little, the others have side effects that outweigh the benefit; the
    black clouds are always there, the day is dull, the night full of panic
    and alarm; its been raining now for nearly fifty years.i turn to face
    the rain and the shadows shift around me, the howling wind inside me
    still, the misery an underground spring welling up; its so unfair.

  • sarah

    for the past month i have been crying all the time or shouting at my
    family for nothing i feel like iam in a long dark tunnel with no light
    at the end i sat and looked at a razer for an hour just thinking that i
    could make it all go away and i wouldnt have to worry any more i have
    not been to a doctor but does anyone think i may be suffering from
    depression i dont know bcause i also suffer from sleep apena and they
    have simerler simtoms

  • quinton

    My depression feels like its eating away at me. I feel as if nothing
    I could ever do would ever bring me happiness. I feel as if the point
    of being here is no point at all. Its feels as if we die and achieve
    nothing we waste our time here for nothing. People try to tell me
    everything will be okay but I feel as if I don’t understand. My head it
    hurts and my guts it aches. I feel lost and I don’t know where im going.
    It has got to the point where I don’t remember me or who I use to be.
    Im not happy with who I am or where I at. i feel as if all I ever will
    achieve is just a number on a statsitc chart.

  • .....

    i am young n feal like my life should end now n not haft 2 deal with
    all this mizory. i jump bfs a lot cuz i never feal like i love any 1.

  • Julie

    My depression feels like I am slowly drowning. I can’t concentrate,
    can’t go to sleep at night and can’t wake up in the morning, I’m
    forgetting things, nothing makes me happy and everything irritates me. I
    feel I don’t love my boyfriend anymore and I don’t know if it’s the
    depression or how I really feel. I feel that I should be happy because I
    have a job, home, things, etc. but that makes me feel worse because I’m
    not happy. I worry constantly about everything. I work and work and
    work, never getting a vacation or rest and I still can’t afford my
    bills. What’s this all for? I want to go to sleep and never wake up
    again.

  • Lee

    Everything is overwhelming. A crumb on the floor makes you curl up
    in a fetal position and cry when you know that all you have to do is get
    out the broom and sweep…and that is just too much…you think of how many
    times in your life you will have to sweep and the immediate, single
    instance becomes insurmountable

  • Evie

    Depression feels like a blob of goo that moves when one moves and
    the blob of goo is what the depression does to you 🙁

  • Chris

    I was so glad to come across this site.
    I was diagnosed by my doctor with ‘mild’ depression a year ago, and I
    thought it was all connected with a crappy work situation I was in. I’m
    now out of that and feel worse than ever! My sex life with my wife has
    become almost non-existent because my sex-drive disappeared, and I’ve
    been wondering lately if I even still loved her and wanted to be with
    her anymore. This site hasn’t made those feelings go away, but helped
    put some perspective on them.
    I couldn’t describe how I felt until I saw this site, I do feel like I’m
    drowning, I constantly have that feeling of impending doom. i don’t
    know what to do….

  • hell if i know

    I truly hope those of you who are TRULY
    Suicidal/Depressed will go “Out There” and get help,or find help.
    But,for those of us who have dealt with this since “Birth”…and have
    tried Soo many many different meds/treatments,on and on…..Ohh,not
    including the MULTITUDES of Surgeries to deal
    w/the CHRONIC Pain.
    I wish y’all Luck.
    I am a “Back Slider”,so I know where I will be going.Crying shame of it
    is. I will end up in the same place as the various perverts who molested
    me as a child(Sodomy)and abused me as a young adult.
    PLEASE y’all go “Out There” and get help while
    you still can.

    Y’all be good,
    Morgle B. Snurd

  • Victoria

    Wow. Yeah I’ve been through all this before. I’d like to shed some
    light with knowledge obtained through my own experience. To the people
    who can’t get enough sleep… it works kind of like this, the more you
    sleep the more tired you are. The less you sleep, the less sleep you
    begin to need (although less than 5 hours a night isn’t healthy.)
    Anti-depressants saved my life at some point. Although finding which one
    is right for you is a hell within itself. It takes weeks for the
    medication to fully work, and if it’s the wrong one it makes you feel
    worse off than before. Then you can’t just stop taking it, you have to
    wean yourself off, and then start the whole process again with ANOTHER med. It can suck, but it’s so worth it to
    find something that makes you feel better. To the rest of you people,
    despite the fact that I learned this tidbit through years of drug
    addiction, I still have one wonderful, beautiful, magical little word
    for you all… XANAX.

  • Psalms

    I am writing because I have dealt with anxiety,panic attacks and
    depression off and on for 6 years. Over the past 6 weeks, I have dealt
    with depression again. I am taking meds but not really taking enough
    (according to my doctor), being that I am taking a small dosage of meds
    due to my sensitivity to meds. It’s like I am stuck—can’t take more
    because of my chemistry, and this small dosage is not enough. I wake up
    and can feel the instant sadness, the non-motivation, the fatigue, the
    irritable bowel syndrome, the nausea. It hurts so bad. It feels like a
    disease in my body. I have had many of many tests done over the years
    and there is nothing wrong other than that I have anxiety and
    depression. This really hurts and I wouldn’t wish this on anyone. I want
    to feel better so bad, but trusting God that I will real soon.

  • Mel

    I have had anxiety attacks and been going through spouts of
    depression for about 2 years, I never really grieved the loss of my
    father 6 years ago i think … but what i feel when i speak to people is
    high heart beat, anxious thoughts and the list goes on. I’ve been with
    my partner for 5 years, and we’re engaged – this anxiety/depression has
    made me doubt my love for him so many times, but i always end up pulling
    myself through because i DO love him … he is the most amazing person
    and everything i could ask for plus MORE … if
    anyone has any advice for me i would really appreciate it. x

  • WK

    Every morning is very difficult. I am just happy in bed without
    breakfast,lunch, dinner and shower.

    I don’t have energy to do anything. Going toilet to pee requires
    alot of effort.

  • Emily

    I feel like I am in a strange place, far from home. I have lost most
    of my friends by getting irritable. I get bad grades at school because I
    can’t focus and I often cry. My head is blocked up with other peoples
    emotions. I can’t sleep anymore . Im only 13 and I have tried to kill
    myself 3 times. People call me emo because I cut my wrists

  • monica

    I feel almost every single thing. I just dont want to kill myself.. i
    have thought about cutting, but i dont want people to see my pain.
    everyone expecially family makes me ANGRY
    cause they dont know how i feel… and they try to help and its like they
    cant and i yell and them. I cry ALL the time…
    sometimes for no reason, and other times just because someone said a
    sarcastic joke. I feel horrible all the time, and i just want it to
    end.. Im thinking about telling my mom… because i KNOW
    i need medicine.

  • Hugo

    Depression… for me its always why. Why get up? Why eat? Why sleep?
    Why type this right now? Why care? Why die? Why live? Why speak? Why
    think? Why open my eyes? Why go to work? Why quit my job? Why hope? Why
    be happy? Why be depressed? Why love? Why hate? Why excercise? Why
    overeat? A desperate search for MEANING.
    I have figured some stuff out that helped me I guess.
    1. Something only has value if YOU give it
    value- That includes LIFE
    2.Everything IS pointless- so it doesnt matter if you win or lose. Fail
    or succede. So don’t worry about it.

  • Little Jen

    Well, it’s a good thing I saw this site tonight. I was going to
    kill myself tonight. In my case, it actually would be a good idea,
    because my depression is a huge burden on my entire family and is
    hurting my youngest kid (who himself is depressive), and the sooner I am
    out of the way, the better for all concerned. But we had a suicide in
    our immediate family recently, and I feel that it would be unfair for
    the family to suffer another one. It’s not that I matter so much—I
    really don’t—but my husband thinks I do, and the kids might notice. I
    didn’t want to be like this, but I guess I have an embarrassing mental
    illness.

  • Panter

    my terrible depression has lasted for one year..I lost myself, i
    lost focus, i cried nonstop day and night -24/7..nothing made me happy, i
    was hopeless in life, i felt guilty about everything, i lost the sense
    of life, every night i had nightmares, i could not sleep, i could not
    concentrate on anything, my memory was really slow, i’ve started to
    avoid people and lock myself in the closet, i tried to make something
    and believe again in life, but Nothing helped me, i felt i was totally
    destroyed, i felt that i don’t belong to this world anymore…i feel much
    better now, but
    it’s still comes up and goes away.. Depression- i call hell , my
    darkness world that covered me through the year, that dropped me from
    everything, that almost made me losing my mind..everyday i questioned
    myself -what for ? why? and then i got to an emergency room..

  • N

    I wake up in the morning scared. scared because I know the negative
    thoughts are about to hit me. And they do, in seconds. I worry ALL day, i have a combination or anxiety and
    depression, one builds on the other. I worry that I don’t love my
    girlfriend, when I look at her I don’t feel anything, but I dont feel
    anything when i look at anything I used to love. My world feels
    literally small and dark, I can’t think clearly into the future, I just
    don’t know anything. I have moments of clarity where I smile and laugh
    when i think about my girlfriend and then all the worry just comes
    straight back. It sounds petty but i can’t control it at all. Im so
    scared. this site helped me alot. I’m soooo lonely, every day. I can’t
    eat, physically sick with worry. I need someone to tell me I’ll get
    through it!

  • S

    I am plagued with relentless thoughts of death. Not of dying but of
    the reality, the nothingness of death to which we are all headed. I
    can’t wrap my head around the idea of that “nothingness” and as I try, I
    begin living it. The constant thought that nothing matters because
    everything ends and I even start wondering what my reality is, maybe my
    life is just imaginary, an illusion, how can I be “something” now and
    then be “nothing” forever after. I can’t make sense of my existence even
    though I go through the motions interacting with others. Are they
    figments of my imagination, or am I a figment of someone else’s
    imagination. It is a desperate and exhausting struggle, trying to make
    my way through another day.

  • zombie

    I am a Zombie. I breathe, sleep, eat & shit…but that doesn’t
    make me “alive”….I am no more alive than a houseplant. I have even lost
    the ability to cry or feel anything! I’m always exhausted…no matter
    how much I sleep! That’s why I’m an insomniac!
    Suicidal thoughts: I tried to kill myself once a decade ago…I came
    pretty close! I rented a motel room; got drunk; got naked on the bed
    and placed a grocery bag over my head to try to suffocate myself! I
    thought the liquor would help make it easier…not so! The pain of lack
    of oxygen was too much too bear…even for 3minutes! So I tore a hole for
    my mouth…to breathe…damnit…I was soo close to PEACE!
    Why i failed? Because I decided not to handcuff myself(yes. I brough
    handcuffs because I knew I would “wuss” out…which i did). Before I tried
    to kill myself…I wrote a few letters to my family to apologize and to
    assure them that it wasn’t their fault…but my own. I was a flawed
    person…and I felt like the Midas touch king…except everything I touched
    turned to shit!-Zombie

  • Mary

    For me its like it will never go away. Some days its okay others it
    is very bad. i dont want it to be this way but it is. It hurts me alot
    because my 6 yr old sees me i know he is a huge reason to not feel like
    this but i do and i cannot help it. Most of the time i want my life to
    just end.

  • G

    I crawl forward,
    all my effort,
    knee over knee my neck,
    twisted to see the fog,
    and the beyond drowned,
    help me through the thin veil,

    I want to love again,
    I want to want again,

    my legs strengthen,
    the sky briefly blooms blue,
    hands leave the dirty ground behind,
    fresh air slides sexy into my lungs,

    something invisible hacks at my shoulders,
    I stumble,
    palms pressed into the gravel once more,
    knees dirty,
    all my effort

  • Greg

    My friend got cancer and i was jealous of him and wish i would
    become sick and die because i am to scared to kill myself, my life is so
    boring, nobody likes me, nobody calls me anymore, i have no dreams for
    my future i just want to die

  • Mot

    I felt like I couldn’t escape from depression. Nothing in my life
    could register any positive emotion. Everything just made me feel worse.
    I felt like I didn’t have the energy to do anything. i was frustrated
    with the people and the world around me. I felt like I had no true
    friends and nobody really understood me. It was like i was in a deep
    dark hole and I couldn’t find any way out.
    I almost committed suicide but I had a sort of revelation about my life
    and things got better from there.
    I came accross this quote, that was something like “anyone can die but
    it takes a bigger person live”
    or something
    I don’t think that was quite right
    but that was the jist of it

  • Gay

    It’s like circling the drain and waiting for the end to finally come
    as you try to pull yourself away from that awfull abyss that represents
    the end of all that you know and cherish while holding on to hope and
    determination with the expectation that one day you will finally see
    that light on the horizon and mount that strong white horse and ride off
    into the sunset with the love of your life at your side and the wind in
    your hair. It is a dream unfulfilled, love unrequited, and hopes
    dashed on the rocky shoreline of your life that spurs you on to another
    day of challenges and loss as you cirle the drain and wait for the end
    to finally come as you try to pull youself away from . . . . . and on
    and on it goes until the repetition of life can no longer be borne and
    you wait for the end to finally come as death encircles you and takes
    you away from all this madness that we call life.

  • Mat Mitchell

    What you all say is true. I too also understand the pain of
    depression. I have attempted suicide at least 5 times in my life i am 22
    years old and i already feel dead. No matter how i tell myself i wanna
    be happy i just cant find it regardless of how hard i try everything
    fails that i try i cant even keep a relationship going without that
    failing too. i am dying inside and eventually it will become a reality
    for me. i dont know if i can fights this anymore. i wish i had a sign
    but i dont know where to find it. i dont know if ill ever find it. im
    scared because i dont know if ill ever escape

  • Em Cagg

    I dont understand how sad i feel all the time
    its been four months and its starting to make me go loopy in the head!
    and want to do stupid things which could hurt me and the family!
    Tantrums were always my thing and that was how i expressed my emotion!

    The reason i have noticed a change in my self is because all my
    emotion is coming out with alot of tears!

    I cant begin to explain all the thoughts running through my head!
    and im avoiding everyday life! which means im failing school running
    behind in my dancing! and never satisfied to work at all! and on the
    weekends i just get incredibly smashed! and i can tell you this much
    alcohol is not the key answer to feeling better!
    It makes you more depressed and not happy with your self at all!

    im still going through all the emotion nowww but writing it up feels
    like im letting it all out!!

    I will be doing this more often!
    It takes timee!

  • Ali

    Life is not easy to live , if you have people around you who make
    you feel as if you are an outsider or something , life is not easy when
    sincerest of your friends turn away from you at the time of need ,My
    life is like that , i am afraid how long will i be able to last with
    this one

  • Lisa

    I’m going through the anger stage. To all the ‘normal’ people out
    there who are blessed with not waking up each morning trying to figure
    out new ways to avoid eye contact with the mirror in the bathroom: I am
    depressed. I am SORRY if this makes you feel
    slightly ‘uncomfortable’ but hey, SUCK IT UP!
    I would give my left foot and every dollar in the bank if the worst
    thing i felt in a day was ‘uncomfortable’!

  • Roy

    I just don’t want to be here anymore. I am tired- I am beyond
    tired. Life has no joy- life is a chore. Everyone wants a piece of me.
    I give and give and it is never enough. There is so little left to
    give- I have nothing left.

    Would I be missed? Perhaps for what I do for people I will be
    missed- but not me. I am not loved- I am needed- I am used. I am the
    person who cleans up everyone’s mess. My sacrifices help fix the bad
    decisions of others. No one hears my cry for help- no one wants to
    listen. I only have meaning when I deliver- no one offers a helping
    hand when I am tired. They see I am tired- I tell them I am tired- yet
    they ask for more- and I am trained to give …. until it is all gone-
    including my spirit- my being- my life.

  • Bob

    I feel powerless to save my livelihood, my marriage and my
    happiness. I feel frozen with indecision and procrastination. I
    haven’t done a lick of real work for several months and that makes it
    worse. My spouse hates me. I hate myself.

  • someone

    I don’t know if this is part of depression,but i’ve been crying a
    lot for months.I feel like a hypocrite and a disgusting person most of
    the time.There is guilt for not helping out the people that i care for
    but i just didn’t lift a finger to help.So alone,even when there are so
    many who care about me.Dreams feel unrealistic and untouchable.I’m only
    aware that i’m growing old.Future feels bleak.Familiar and foreign
    places scare me.Routines are boring,relationships fail.everything is so
    boring.

  • T

    It helps to read these comments posted. I just recently admitted to
    my spouse that I am depressed. I have struggled with it since I was a
    child, but have not had the courage to ask for help. There is just so
    much baggage in me that I can’t drop or don’t know how. so many mistakes
    that cannot be undone. I always feel like an outsider. Like everyone
    else has it all figured out. I want to be happy and live a long life,
    but I get knocked down by these thoughts in my head when I least expect
    it. Why does it have to be so much work to want to live a happy life?

  • Kaite

    I am 13 years old, my life was a mess, but i knew that deep deep
    deep a million times deep inside i didnt WANT
    to die, i have learnt that people do suicide beacuse it feels like it
    would take off alot of relif, it dosn’t. Because when you are dead, what
    is there to feel, nothing, so you wouldnt feel relif, would you? if i
    put barrier across your shoulders with weights on the end, and i kept
    piling the weights up, you would still try and stand-up, you wouldnt fal
    down on the ground, because it would stii hurt you, because there would
    be nomore hope,and no more Hope hurts. Would we be here if there was no
    reason 2 be? i think not. and i beleive that if a 13 year old can keep
    going, you can.
    Sincerely,
    Kate.
    P.s if you managed have read this far and managed to stay alive for this
    time, that means there must be some hope, and now that you have managed
    to read this and not do anything stupig, treat yourself, you deserve,
    and i should know… : )

    • Laura

      You are the sweetest girl I have ever heard. You are absolutely right. This is True. Thank you for your words of encouragement. The picture example you gave is perfect. I had a decision to make and after reading your post I cried and made my good life-enhancing decision. I felt sick with a cold and I’ve been depressed because of many things and myself. Not one person in life does not have pain (but many, most make it even those who have it a lot worse circumstantially or even otherwise, they make it through with flying colors many times (especially with God)So I’m saying I decided to treat myself as you said. I decided I will go out to a Christmas hayride with my husband and child, because I like being outside and it’ll be peaceful this evening even though we just met the people in our Church group of couples with young children. But God is Good. And He knows the future. So I’m not gonna guess anymore and I’m going to start living again no matter what my mind wants to give in to thinking. I’m going to focus on Jesus. Moment by moment the day He has given me. He’s helped me before and I know He is able to because I believe and know that He is All powerful loving merciful God. Thank you. Thank God, too.

  • James

    I’ve just realized that I’m depressed and my story is much like some
    people that have posted here. Daily life has no real meaning, joyful
    moments are fleeting, the purpose is gone in my life and I want it back
    so badly. I do still smile and laugh from time to time, but the
    heaviness sets back in quickly. After reading some of these posts I
    realize that I’m not alone and that I really am depressed. I questioned
    it for so long since I still was able to smile. It’s been holding me
    back and I’m so sick of it. Thank you all for helping me realize that
    I’m depressed and for now being able to accept it and treat it.

    -James

  • Mike D

    It feels like a living hell to be blunt. I cannot remember a single
    day in my 40 plus years that I have not wanted to die, hated myself,
    resented God and my parents for my existence. I wish I never was because
    then there would be no pain, no suffering and no remorse. Even as I
    write this down I want to die and wish I had the guts to do it myself.
    Life is suffering, misery, pain without hope. The only guarantee in life
    for me is that i will suffer again and again until I finally sleep for
    the last time. The only hope for me in life is looking forward to the
    day I don’t wake up above ground.

    • Chris

      You definitely sound depressed. I know those symptoms well, though I don’t suffer them as often as you. I want you to go to the doctor and tell him what you posted. If you can get on some medication it may make a difference. It did with me. It took a month or so to kick in, but I noticed i’d come out of the black cloud. Try it.

  • Catherine

    It always comes back at random times. There’s no escaping that. Some
    people aren’t meant to be happy. We are examples of these people. There
    will be times when we are happy, but it will always come back one way
    or another, it just takes something to trigger it off.

  • Tim

    For the first time in my life i feel lost, like i really don’t know
    who i am , sometimes i think about commiting suicide , and what makes it
    worse is as soon as i start thinking about suicide i feel even worse
    for feeling like this in the first place, i used to think i was a strong
    person but i give up, everywhere i go there sees to be just something
    blocking my way. i just dont know what to do

  • Jeff

    I’ve spent countless hours searching to find out what’s wrong with
    me and all I ever found were general symptoms of depression and anxiety.
    Tonight I stumbled upon this site and found many people who feel the
    same way I do. I am so miserable and at times I get so frustrated that I
    want to do something bad because maybe if I suffer consequences then
    that will reassure me that I’m real. This site has given me a glimmer of
    hope in that I’m not the only one like this and so there has to be a
    way to treat these feelings of insanity.

  • Daphne

    I just feel so worthless. My husband doesn’t “believe in” depression
    and thinks I’m being lazy and using it for an excuse. Maybe he’s right.
    I just can’t seem to sync up with the rest of the world…I’m five steps
    behind. Depression is the most selfish disease, but then you feel guilty
    all the time, then you hate yourself, then feel depressed again, then
    guilt….it just goes on and on. I just want to go to sleep and never wake
    up.

  • Jen

    Suddenly losing all your physical power – even holding a pencil is
    difficult, or holding your head up. An acute need to rest.

    Not being able to breathe – having to walk out of meetings and
    classes to just sit down and concentrate on breathing properly.

    Suicidal ideation – not necessarily being suicidal, but as you walk
    every rooftop you see is a potential jump, every car that rushes past
    you is a violent way out, each bottle of pills you see gives a mental
    image of an overdose, sharp objects make your skin crawl and so on…
    You’re not really considering it for real, but the thoughts repeat
    themselves in your head, and everything is a trigger. You’re more aware
    of death than ever before.

  • Bill

    I always felt inferior, quick to criticize myself, although I know I
    am smart, but that does not makes a difference.
    I am too sensitive to pain upon me or any other creature, the concept of
    torture crushes my heart and drive me to sadness and anger.
    I feel life is just a stupid chemical whom try to copy itself, very
    insignificant and absurd.
    At age of 33, I started taking medication, things got little bit better,
    now I have mood swings instead of constant sadness..
    The only hope is I know someday it will all end.

  • Dana

    My heart hurts. I hate myself because I am the most selfish person
    in existence. Whenever I say something as the words leave my mouth I am
    wishing I hadn

  • Danny

    I have been feeling useless and repressed my feelings for almost 8
    months now. My memory has gone to waste, I ask questions to fill awkward
    silences but I don’t actually listen for the answers. I force myself to
    lay in bed till I fall asleep. I have completely lost my appetite and
    my sex drive. I do not have the courage to kill myself because of the
    guilt I would give my family. I constantly hope for something fatal to
    happen to me as long as it wasn’t my fault.

  • Anna

    I agree… it’s an existence, but barely. I’m frozen in fear, can
    barely leave the house. I’ve stopped cleaning, stopped organising,
    stopped thinking. I don’t love.. I don’t want to be around those I
    should love. There are no friends. There is no career. I am not an
    adult in my head. I am a helpless infant trapped in a woman’s body.
    I’m more of a child than my child is. I pray every night before I sleep
    that I won’t wake.. my family is better off without me. I am pointless
    and empty. My existence is pointless. I want it to end. Yet I’ll
    probably wake up tomorrow, and go through it all again. I don’t want to
    die.. but I’m scared of living – it’s something I wasn’t taught to do. I
    hate feeling sorry for myself, but not matter what I try to convince
    myself of… it never works. I am already dead…

    • Rose

      These are all pretty spot on descriptions of myself and my thoughts for the past 15+ years but YOURS felt like i was reading words from my own mouth. How did you overcome if you ever did?? I feel like I have tried everything. Are some people just destined to be miserable and tortured by misfortune and depression all of their lives?? I keep thinking that somethings gotta give and I am bound to have happiness soon but that day never comes. God bless you and I hope you have found a way out. Your words helped me feel a little less alone in this.

  • Aleksander

    Everyday seems like hell, when i go to bed at night i can’t sleep
    cuse i start thinking about how bad the next day is gonna be.
    I cant seem to focus or do anything without struggeling aloth. I cant
    seem to be able to feel any emotion without sadness hopelessnes.
    To for every hour that goes at a day i feel worse and ‘‘weakned’‘ and at
    the end of the day i’m close to taking my own life…
    This goes on again and again and again.
    Every day…
    To i dont seem to find help in any way.. I’m just a highschooler. so i
    dont know how to get help without making it worse for myself..

  • africa

    I am ashamed of feeling this way. The more I try the less I succeed.
    I’ve struggled with self image and self esteem for most of my life. I
    want to feel loved but when someone tries to get close to me I push them
    away, I become paranoid of their intentions, I don’t see why someone
    would want to be with me. I can’t wake up without thinking how death is
    much more of an option than life. I can’t even cry anymore, I’ve
    surpassed that level, I cannot feel sadness, but repulsion against
    everything. I cannot accomplish anything, I’ve tried to fight this
    monster but it comes back to haunt me. I’ve been down for so long I
    can’t remember what being happy is anymore. Being depressed, well I
    can’t feel it, I live it. Depression is living in a maze, you cannot
    seem to find a way out, there is not shinning light at the end of the
    corridor, because there is no end.

  • rachel

    i do not know at all what is wrong with me i have no clue if i have
    depression but i just feel strongly that i am not right. i am just
    about always mad at the world, mad at everyone, of course i do have high
    anxiety, it is like never-ending exhaustion, and i tell God that i
    would like to die 🙁 of course i also have a sickness (ibs) which
    certainly makes me feel bad. but i want to know if something is wrong
    with me i feel like the only person in the world like me, who thinks
    like this, sometimes i feel like an “alien” cuz nobody else seems to
    think like me.

  • Annie

    what everyone been saying is exactly i ‘ve felt for the last 6
    months. Always feels so painful inside, unworthy, no hope and always
    feel like ending my life. I don’t feel anyone would care if i’m exist in
    this world or not. my existent doesnt mean to anyone especially the
    those i care and love them the most. people always left me behind, i ‘ve
    lost everything there is nothing to live for , to fight for. Is that my
    life?? i kept asking myself all the times. WHat am i still doing here?

    • Mikayla

      I noticed what helped me the most to not commit suicide is think how hurt your loved ones would be
      It helps.
      I’ve also felt like that since I was 11 I’m 19 now and it is hard to remember bow you felt before this.

  • Jennifer

    Looking back, I have had depression most of my life.
    I am now retired and am unable to enjoy the free time.
    I am worse in the mornings-anxious, nervous, don’t want to do anything.

    Feel as though I am good for nothing.
    Spend most of the time on the sofa, not washing myself-just too much
    trouble.
    Only feel ok when asleep.

    Then I wake up and start all over again!

  • RC

    I just want it to end. Nothing matters, I feel numb, putting on an a
    facade that everything is great is becoming more and more difficult. I
    hate myself and feel so insignificant. It doesn’t help that I married a
    man who constantly criticizes and disrespects me. I feel like he is
    right and I am better off dead.

  • L

    Have you ever seen movies or commercials where you have someone in
    the center of the frame, standing stock-still, yet the whole room is
    moving around them at three or four times normal speed?

    That’s how it feels to me: The world is going on, and you aren’t.

  • AL

    Every time i try and think about something that used to make me
    happy doesnt make me feel happy anymore, even happy feelings give me
    ansiety. I just dont get it i feel like this cloud is always over me and
    the sun will never come out. I would love to be someone else who doesnt
    feel this way. Ive lost my confidence and self esteem. I dont even
    desire to be in love anymore the thought of that also makes me feel
    depressed.I just dont understand. I really feel for people who are going
    through this, its a horrible feeling. But yet i feel so ungratefull
    knowing that there is starving people all over the world and here i am
    with enough food to feed four and i am still depressed. No matter how
    many times a family member will say ‘you should be gratefull your not
    starving to death or in the middle of a war zone’ and yet that doesnt
    take this feeling away. But somehow i still have a little HOPE.

  • Cheryl

    I am Extreemly sensitive and tear up every time I see an animal,
    (even fish), shut up in cages, (or bowls with dirty water). My heart
    goes out to them with such intense sympathy that I have to force myself
    to look away. It’s gotten much worse lately. I love animals but that’s
    not it, I don’t think.
    When I see them, I see myself. I also am in a “cage”, alone, with no
    one to undrestand.
    I am So tired of Faking life and conversation when I am with people.
    Every Single Day it’s the Same Thing Over and Over Again… God, Please
    make it STOP!

    • shifra

      It sounds like you are very sensitive and care about animals. It sounnds like it is painful to feel that way, but Maybe you have those feelings because you are meant to help animals.maybe you know what they feel like and have a special gift. Maybe others who dont notice that are not as caring as you.

      Maybe ask the animals how you could help them and maybe in helping them, you will help you too.

    • Melissa Rowell

      You just described me EXACTLY. Down to feeling like I’m the one in the cage. It’s like I take on those feelings. And it’s very intense. I feel like I’m almost having a panic attack. I feel their pain and misery like it’s my own. And I feel that way about humans but not nearly so strong. It’s so awful. It torments me. I love animals but it’s too much. I can’t watch movies with animals in them. Not if something happens to them. People act like I’m crazy.

      • angie

        The cage analogy is right on. I’ve felt like I’m in a cage for most of my life. No escape from my own brain. Sometimes I get in my car and just drive…..thinking that I just need to get out. But you know that phrase “wherever you go, there you are?” Yep, that’s it. I’m always trying to escape, until I realize that what I”m trying to escape from is ME. And this feeling makes relationships damn near impossible. I always have this need for freedome and space. But what man is going to want a woman who wants to be left alone 90% of the time? And he gets the little scraps of me that are leftover from a prolonged depressive state. It makes my life impossible. I don’t think I’ll ever be able to feel stable enough to just enjoy things. All I want to do is lay around and sleep/watch Netflix. But I don’t. I work full time, take very good care of my 14 year old son. And I do it with a painted on happy face. People at work say I”m so much fun and they love working with me. If only they knew. And right now I can feel myself cycling down. So tomorrow, I’m gonna seem like a completely different person to my co-workers. I sux. I hate it so much.

        • L

          Sounds like you have a lot to be grateful for. Your work mates enjoy your company you have a child. I was really unhappy, walking depressive, didn’t enjoy my work, got more down, negative and reacted badly to my situation at work. So coworkers, boss etc won’t rate me highly. To lift yourself up you should try exercis more, eat healthy foods, spend time with friends because although you are down it sounds like you are able to climb back up. Unlike myself I think I have done proper damage to my
          reputation at work and as a person for not reacting in an appropriate manner. If you recognise this I know it is easier said than done, but try your best to change your attitude watch positive affirmations instead of Netflixs. Believe me when I say you need to look after your mental health as mine has affected my whole life because thoughts/feelings negative can change your reactions and really would love to change mine to positive reactions instead of negative.

    • James Lucky

      well i have all the normal depressed stuff then i dont smile i dont cry unless it is an extreme pain like a huge gash or something my other emotions have been dulled extremely my pain tolerance is insane i have become paranoid and anti sociole also anger is one of the only emotions i feel have not had a gf in 5 years and suicide is for pussies so yea i am fucked up.

  • Jenny

    i know the feeling of depression already,
    and i’m in 7th grade.

    i’ve been having addiction with self abuse,
    and even tried to suicide TWO times.

    i cry for no apparent reason, and always cry myself to sleep.

    i would rest my head against the windowsill,
    and blast the music in my ears, blocking everything from me.
    i would put on fake smiles, and
    laugh to be a two-faced.

      • PAUL A. SOTO

        I can feel what you feel like because as a grade schooler, I also had problems with depression. I’m so sorry you are feeling these problems so young, but talking about it to caring people will help you.

    • Anna

      I know how u feel Jenny i have to put on a fake smile to and I blast Music in my ears and I feel like I’m not good enough the guy I like told me he liked someone else and that really hurt me I feel like nobody will ever love me and that’s really hard.I have never tried self harm but it has crossed my mind so many times but every time I take out the razer I just can’t do.just know that ur not alone and stay strong

  • Just someone

    Everything is a catastrophe, even more so every bad thing that might
    happen. Nothing has any significant meaning, only suppressing my
    thoughts. I can’t be honest to anyone as to my real problems, I can’t
    hurt them (and myself in the process) with simply confessing I feel
    depressed, I keep up appearances and sort of die inside.

    I can’t cry, but I want to die. As I can’t hurt people close to me
    mentally by killing myself or others physically by choosing the only
    ways to commit suicide available to me (jumping from high up or jumping
    in front of a bus etc.), the feeling just boils over inside: I want to
    die but can’t kill myself. At the same time I just kill my emotions and
    keep a happy face on the outside: I’m locked-up. And drinking heavily as
    a cure doesn’t help the symptoms, just takes pain away a little while.

    • Callan Murray

      I hope your okay now, it has beem 4 years since you posted but I felt the same way! I even lied to therapists I talked to. But when I found the right one who I was able to actually talk too, as much as I was so scared too, leaving that day was amazing, I felt so good, and I was almost crying saying that stuff. But it just felt so good To have told someone who understood. And I encourage anyone to look for help

  • N.a.

    All I can think is that I honestly don’t know. I don’t know. I
    should be studying for tests and working and focusing but nothing seems
    important. My brain tries to analyze everything but it just can’t handle
    it. I feel like I can’t even explain what’s wrong with me.

    • Sarah~

      omg this is basically my life in a nutshell like i don’t feel like doing homework or anything anymore. granted homework can be tenuous and boring but even the fun subjects and classes i used to look forward to..now its like “whats the point”. i try focusing i really do but it all just soo ughhhh and boring and plain.

      • Yna

        Hi Sarah, I feel the same way 🙂 jst like I lose interest at everything. Hope we’ll be all right soon (whichin my case idk if possible) haha

        • Heidi

          i have lost interest in almost anything that i can think of, i cant even stand watching happy and awesome movies anymore. And don’t even get me started about homework.

          • Paul

            Same here.

            This morning I had the worst episode ever, where I so desperately wanted to die I would have endured terrible pain if it could only happen. It was a desperate want, as much as I’ve ever wanted anything in my life. I’m on Lexapro (just started 3 weeks ago) and wondering if it’s causing weird side effects. Just last night I was quite happy.

            This is a pretty brutal way to live.

          • Miriam

            Im feeling the same thing…i get so angry when i see people happy n i don’t care about anything anymore

  • Phil

    Up & down, wave after wave.
    The feelings surge with relentless power.
    Death must surely offer the respite from the anti social behaviour I’ve
    fallen victim to.
    I never viewed myself as a victim.
    Yet depression has claimed me for it’s victim.
    My will to live is lost…
    Trust me when I say this illness is real.

  • Robin

    i wake up every day and i just want to die. nothing gives me
    pleasure anymore. my family get on my nerves and i just want to curl up
    and sleep and never wake up. i’m so tired. yet no amount of sleep can
    take the tiredness and lethargy away. i think about my death all the
    time. i feel such a failure and useless. what is the point in living?

  • D

    I have only once before felt this terrible. I feel like a fake in
    my own life. I am despeite to be back to who I was before. I love my
    life and I am feeling like I an losing it. Nothing that I was excited
    about even as little as a month ago makes me happy- I got a great new
    job that starts in the fall and I am getting married this summer. I feel
    so terrible and fearful and sad right now that I cannot believe any of
    these things will happen and that it will be all my fault. With medicine
    and time and love I made it out of this before without destroying my
    life. I hope I can again.

  • Elaine

    I don’t really want to “LEAVE”. It just
    seems as though my presence in this world doesn’t matter. I try to help
    people,but then they make me feel worse. I have lost hope in everything.
    I keeping waking up every morning and don’t know why. I’m sad and can’t
    laugh. Everything is boring and useless. I’m told to stop having “pity
    parties”. It’s not a party,I just hurt.My heart,my head, my body,
    everything hurts.

  • marren

    I feel like i am just totally numb to everything. I can’t do
    anything right and it is very frustrating. I find myself staring off
    into space and my mind is blank. I feel like I am nothing. I have
    dreams but I can’t function normally to achieve them. When I get through
    the day, I try and tell myself that I did good, but i just focus on
    what I didn’t do. I can’t remember ANYTHING
    except, that I can’t remember anything. Everybody is out to get me so I
    had better get them first. My mind tells me to go do something but my
    body just won’t pull it off.

  • onedayatatime

    It feels like being in a dark hole, and not being able to get out.
    You can see the light far away, with no way of getting to it. I am not
    worth anything nor worthy of anyone, at least that’s how I feel,
    although my mind tells me otherwise. It is a confusing state, no
    happiness, no enjoyment, no fun, why am I here, only for my family I
    guess.

  • Matt

    Every single one of the above i am the same , i dont feel my life
    worth living , i hate life , i hate everyone aound me , everyone i see i
    could shout to high heaven at , i need help i no i do , i sleep for 12
    hours and then get up and go back sleep , i dont no what to do , now
    writing this ive started to cry , how pathetic , over me just writing my
    feelings to the world

  • BW

    Not much to add – you nailed it The one thing you missed was
    Sally’s quote “I am so tired”. I can’t figure out why I can sleep for
    14 hours and still be exhausted.

  • Adelle

    Depression feels like being a tiny gray dot in the corner. Nothing
    matters, everything hurts, especially the weariness, especially the
    darkness. Head full of lukewarm lint, so there are no clear thoughts. No
    energy, so it is exhausting to lift a hand to comb my hair, so I don’t
    comb my hair: it is too exhausting. Everything makes you weary.

    Depression feels BOOOORING.

    • stacey

      Depression in the mist of despair you don,t even believe in god or prayer,the past dwells in the back your mind, endless nights of crying and no hope in your eyes, no one cares and people that you love hurt you over and over again, like a needle in your heart and you keep on giving in to them just feel accepted and loved. The sunshine shines, but it is always raining your life and nothing ever goes right

  • spencer

    I have been suicidal and depressed for as long as I can remember. I
    have had suicidal thoughts for all of my life and even tried to kill
    myself once. I hate myself and just can’t seem to function on a normal
    level like everyone else. I am always angry with myself and have
    horrible thoughts like killing everybody and then killing myself. I can
    relate to you all here, and let me just say one thing. Keep fighting,
    and never give up…

    • Becky

      Spencer, you are different than me. While I often have thoughts that my family would be better off without me, and that it would be a relief to not have to live this life anymore, I NEVER think of killing others then myself. Whoa buddy. Sounds like you are extremely selfish and do not see the worth of other people. The people around you do not exist just for you, you know.

  • Sally

    I’ve been depressed and suicidal most of my life—I am just so tired,
    I could sleep all day and night if I could—but I am mentally and
    emotionally exhausted too. My head and stomach hurt almost every day.
    My hands shake, I move like a turtle, I think and talk like one too. I
    feel like I don’t “live,” I only “exist.” I don’t want to die, but I
    hate the existance. If I can’t
    live, then what’s the choice? I am so tired.

    • Rebecca

      Hi Sally,

      My name is Rebecca. I feel the same way you do,(existing, not living.) I don’t know the right words to make you feel better, but please know that you are not alone, never alone. Can you think of one person that you could call when you are feeling very bad to help you center yourself and get back to a level of happiness that you would be comfortable with like a warm blanket.

    • Alysh

      It could seriously be thyroid disease. Do yourself a favor and have your doctor check your thyroid. Shakiness, depression, exhaustion are all symptoms of thyroid disease. Your thyroid can really effect how your mindset is.

  • janie

    All i can say is this is the worse thing i have ever went through in
    all my life. Nothing feels real unless I am taking my neurontin, I am
    not sure WHAT that has to do with depression,
    b/c i am being treated for nerve damage. W/O this medicine I dont want
    to do NOTHING!!! I have never been a stay at
    home type person. I will do anything to stay in bed. I hate myself and I
    am not even sure If i want to stay married at this point…hell I dont
    even know if i want to live.

  • Deanna

    I can relate to all of you here. When I‘m not depressed I do not
    think of myself as a depressed person and do not like to admit that I
    will go through depressions where thoughts of suicide enter my mind.
    When this all first started I felt as if I was suffocating everything
    seemed much worse thn it really was because when my depression subsided
    and I thought back to the moments I felt helpless I remember thinking
    wow that wasn‘t that bad. It is not just an emotional feeling it is
    physical as well. My head felt like it was a thousand pounds and I‘d
    frequently get bad stomach pains. I‘d thik I was the most horrible
    person in the world and my therapist would ask me what have I ever done
    that would make me think that..I sat there blank..I had no idea but the
    feelings were real and very scary. After coming out I realized my whole
    family suffers from this. I thought no ..nobody feels the way I do..but
    after reading everyones comments I realize I am not alone and these
    feelings are very real but remember they are irrational! ALl I can say
    is that this will end ..you will feel happy again so don‘t do anything
    like kill yourself because it will end it will and you will look back at
    that moment and think “I am so glad I am here.” My depression typically
    lasts about 5 months where everyday I feel as you do. AFter taking
    medicine I know my thoughts are irrational and I try not to pay
    attention to them and continue to do the things I like to do because
    depression will not win!

  • Pauline

    When does it end? I ask myself the question every day when i go off
    to work and put on a happy face and come home and want to die the minute
    my real life hits me! Most people would probably laugh and get on with
    it, cancer, depression and feelings of suicide should not come into a
    normal life, this is why i do not feel that mine is normal and i need
    help!

  • shahina

    I can more or less pinpoint the exact day that i knew things stopped
    feeling real it was 7 months ago even writing this now seems pointless.
    Its like im going through the motions, nothing bothers me, exites me,
    appeals to me even a walk in the mall doesnt get me going like it used
    to.

  • Mellifluous

    While there are many resources on depression, one that impacted me
    the most is the book, \“Blessings In The Mire\” where the author talks
    about her son\‘s suicide. Having myself lived with the effects of
    depression on an innate level, and seeing the detrimental outcome of the
    illness, I relate to this book. I hope some of you out there get a
    chance to read it. It might shed some light on what you or your loved
    ones are going through.

  • Ebony

    It\‘s a struggle to do anything. Each part of my body feels like it
    weighs a thousand pounds. I ache all over and it\‘s so hard to feel
    happy about anything. My worst days, I can hardly wake up and I go
    through the day in a complete fog. I\‘m trying acupuncture now as I\‘ve
    tried meds before and I didn\‘t like the effects. Hope this works! Good
    luck to all of you out there suffering like me.

      • diana

        At last – an up-to-date message.
        I’m a life-long depressive, Venlafaxine helps
        but not always. Being old makes it worse.
        I’d like to join a support group in central London.
        Best wishes to all of you.

        • Joh

          Yes,Ithink this is something I too could benefit from.
          I am incredibly lonely,& isolated…I don’t talk to my children,because I don’t want to share the depths of my unhappiness.I don’t have a partner & have been single for 4 yrs.I have no extended family who care about me,they never have.I know I need to see a therapist, there’s a waiting list!Meanwhile everyone around me who does want to talk to me bore me, using me as a sounding board to talk about whatever they’re doing.or using me to support them with good advic…& off they go! So now I don’t pick up the phone.I’ve been prescribed Citalapram, & been told by my Doctor I am extremely Depressed & Sad…
          What is there to look forward to? I’ve failed at everything, as soon as things appear to be going OK, A Demon snatches away,unfaithfulness, & never knowing what it feels like to have someone to myself.Ive been told I am very attractive,& incredibly interesting,if I am why do people keep hurting me? Why do people,’friends’ Family ALWAYS BETRAY ME? I’ve given up on all relationships,its all hopeless, I’ve always tried my best, but now I can say I give Up…No Family, No REALLY Friends, never been Married, never likely to be,always approached by people with minimal prospects to offer,& if that’s not the case,they’re boring & non conversant. I don’t believe in God anymore, because he clearly doesn’t care about me.My lovely children so want me to get better, but how can they possibly understand this? I can’t share This! It would devastate them. They have their lives to lead, I don’t want to vomit all over it I so want to Die, but who would they have without me, I am the only Family they have
          I’m TRAPPED

          • Terri

            Joh, I can so relate to all of your comments, I hope you are doing well, I’ve been in a major depression for a month now but have I’ve dealt with it most of my life .. I’ve had a lot of losses in my life loosing a daughter at age 15 to brain cancer and then her father 6 years ago in a vehicle accident, I recently lost my father which was very difficult for me .. I’ve been struggling for the last 6 years to move on without a partner, I thought I was doing pretty well, but day to day struggles keep me down to the point I have given up and don’t care about anything .. My friends have seen me in my depression many times and are somewhat immuned to it, they suck, so I have alienated myself from them as I feel they really don’t care .. I need to get back to work but each morning is the most difficult, especially when I don’t get any sleep the night before, when I do sleep it’s during the day and my dreams are much better than reality, I hate it when I wake up … The only thing that saves me from doing anything stupid is, my dogs & cats, second I don’t think I’d have the nerve to do anything .. I need to try really hard and get back to work before I loose my job, I’m working on that, but tht won’t make me happy, I’m not sure what will, other than meeting someone who can accept mefor who I am, understand me, love me and share a life with me ..feeling all alone is the worst, I was married for 27 years, becoming a single woman hasn’t been the greatest experience, my friends tell me I’m an attractive, witty, smart and a caring person and I’ll meet someone when I least expect it, well time is running out and this my worst fear is that I won’t find thT person …

      • Christal carpenter

        I feel like nothing I do matters to any one no matter how hard I try I fill like I am a failure I look my husband out and he a good man

      • Bev

        Depression is failure.. I’ve gone effectively hero to zero.. Major bread winner running everyone life except mine! A doctor 20 years ago would not believe Id had a stroke and for 6 weeks o was effectively ridiculed til I went to a better hospital.. Where I was told invasion lucky to be alive…as it was in the brain stem.. That has never left me so to counteract my doubt in myself I went a million times over the top.. Now I’m hero to zero.. Running a successful house kids.. And in the workplace..now after a couple of bad decisions n the constant struggle to get out of bed n carry this huge animal that is sitting on my chest barely letting me breathe.. Now 18 months out if full time work.. Now on benefits.. Something I never saw fir myself.. Even the ability to blink and breathe is n effort 100 job applications 20 interviews.. Feed back on all was ideas too experienced… I know they look at my left foot in an airboot.. Result of 14 surgeries in 7 years..they don’t want the hassle.. All I want is something to make me feel I’m doing something except ripping my family apart n more so me! Failure.. Nthe inability to succeed or to achieve ones own needs… Failure… Depression.. Dark dark days…the only thing not tipping me over is the hurt n guilt I felt when I lost my father..yet I may as well b dead as my boys have lost their mum.. All because of failure..all because of depression

        • that guy

          I know exactly how you feel. The fact that you came to this website to speak your pain and to tell people how you feel shows that your worth something, so be good to yourself and hold that head up.

  • N/A

    I\‘m writing this because I know first hand how BAD
    depression feels. It made everything around me feel dark. It was like a
    nightmare. I felt locked inside my head. Like when my arm falls asleep.
    My consciousness felt dead. I felt like I was battling for my sanity. I
    had hyper-somnia. I could sleep 12+ hours everyday. All of it filled
    with horrendous sudo nightmares. I felt the worst in the mornings. I
    would spend my mornings beside my heater wondering if this would be the
    day that my wife had to commit me. I would worry about how my wife would
    get a long when I was in the loony bin. I thought about how she would
    serve me the divorce papers after several years of unproductive electro
    shock therapies. I kept going to the doctor thinking that I was sick and
    as soon as my physical body was healed my mental symptoms would be
    cured. All the while I never complained of a single mental symptom
    worried about the stigma associated with it. I couldn\‘t leave the
    couch. When I first had an onset of symptoms I drove around frantically
    looking for someone because I didn\‘t want to be alone. I felt like I
    had been dosed with an hallucinogenic substance. I felt hopelessly
    messed up and knew I\‘d be there the rest of my life. Things got better SLOWLY. I finally told the doc about the mental
    symptoms. I got the anti-d\‘s. I started sitting on my porch swing 10
    minutes at a time. Six months later I had a job. Two years later I\‘m a
    teacher. Yep, it still scares me but it hasn\‘t came back full on yet.
    Hopefully it won\‘t with the right treatment and lifestyle.

    • it doesn't matter

      Thank you you’ve just give me hope.sat here crying thinking things will never get better.seeing how things changed for you have give me hope .thank you

    • Susan St.Pierre

      Good luck to you I wish you peace. I suffer from anxiety & depression as well it is tough and a struggle your family loves you no matter how you feel I am.

    • autumn

      i feel the same exact way you felt but worse and its harder to deal with it when you have overbearing parents who are standing over and yelling at you to just get out of bed eat and do your homework, but i keep telling them i cant concentrate or remember how to do but they dont believe me and they say its all just an excuse to get out of bed and do your homework. So i try arguing with them when i can eventually think of what to say, but still it is no use.

      • yeah

        Yeah i know that feeling when your paeents can’t see you’re really fucked. My mother kept trying to make me go to school every morning while i couldn’t get up and just kept crying. Took me going completely aphatic and not responding to her at all no matter what she did to realize i wasn’t ok.

      • Elissa

        yes, my parents didnt understand….wanting me to get out of the bed, yellingat me to get out of the bed. And i really focused on the negitive. One da ill be happy and smiling, it was like a switch. My familiy were saying to me, i dont know what happened to you, i like the old you. and that made me feel worse…but youll get over it.

  • Candra

    While I was going through my depression, I felt like I was living in
    a dream. Nothing felt real and it scared me. Everything I looked at
    looked fake and it seemed like I couldn’t touch it. It was a horrible
    feeling. My dad described his depression as “ black and white”. He felt
    like he was living in a world that was dull and boring. To anyone that
    feels this way I just want to let you know that what you’re going
    through is very scary and uncomfortable but it will pass. You will be
    happy and be able to live life normally. It all takes time and patience.
    Try not to get frustrated because the way you’re feeling will
    eventually subside. I wish you all the best!

    • Becky

      Candra, thanks for your encouragement, but it sounds like the depression you had was triggered by something and once you were able to work through it, you were ok.
      It isn’t the case with many depressed people. Many of us are born with it, or at least have had it for as long as we can remember.
      The feeling will not pass. It is part of us. The only thing we can do is deal with it the best way we can.
      For some that means taking medication every day. For others, it means going to therapy, for many it is both, and for many more, it is nothing, just suffering, and going through the motions of life.
      Thanks again Candra, I’m happy for you, but don’t assume that with “time and patience” everyone’s depression will just magically float away.

      • Christal carpenter

        I don’t know what’s wrong I cry and cry I fell so sad I get this rush like I am doing good then all a sudden it’d gone and I start felling down just that fast and I cry and cry

        • Christina

          Mine is the same way. I will be having an amazing day and then put of no where I crash. It feels like I’m being punished for being happy. Things seem to be great for a couple days and then the rug gets snatched from under you. People ask what’s wrong and you can’t answer because you don’t really know what’s wrong. You just know you don’t want to feel like this anymore. You don’t want to be you again.

        • Lucy

          Me too Cristal. I’ve had depression my whole adukt life. On been on a variety of medications that helped a little till they didn’t. I wish ‘normal’people can understand the pain we feel all the time. I feel like wasted space, a mistake, something that shpukd be eradicated. My life has been a waste. I have no family and really no friends. But I dont blame anyone. I think its hard to like or love a depressed person.

        • Evie J

          I started off that way crying crying raging then crying more I apparently have depression and anxiety I try to do things that increase my heart rate like yoga or exercise which helps a bit I don’t sleep well which makes the next day harder – I sometimes feel like I’m an actor in a boring play that has no meaning and that no one understands and I can’t explain it – I believe accepting you have a problem helps but everyone has to find what works for them I hope you find your ‘happy place’

      • Isabel Jamison

        You are right, I’ve been depressed all my life! I have no desire to do absolutely nothing and i feel so bad because is affecting my life with my children. I feel my life is meaningless and that the world would go on just fine without me in it. I’m tire of my life, every single day is a struggle and I’m always asking myself why can’t I be like my husband who lives his life to the fullest.

      • Sandy

        Hi Becky,
        It was so good to read your comment. I do feel like I was born with this. And yes, I have had to say to myself this is part of me. I’ve been on different medications for many years now. They help to an extent, but as someone said I do feel like there is such a heavy weight (literally) on my chest. Sometimes it’s heavier, sometimes a little lighter. I just wanted to say thank you. Your thoughts made me feel better. Xoxo

      • Silentjay

        You took the words right out of my mouth, for some of us its a never ending battle. I also have bipolar disease.

        One of the biggest things that helped me, was to accept the fact that yes I was born with this. Acceptance is a really big factor in feeling better. I have learned to kinda screen my thoughts. I ask myself is that my depression or bipolar making me think these things, and learn to separate thoughts that my depression, and bipolar issues cause from my true thoughts and feelings. Of course my daily regiment of medication helps to.

        I hope you are doing well.

    • Nissy

      I so wish this would end I am the only supporter of my family so I have to work but I long to enjoy life again and not be tired and scared all the time. The only relief I find is while I’m sleeping and then I don’t sleep well.

      • Regina Folkert

        I feel the same way,, Its like I don’t have time to be depressed because I have to earn a living,,, yet, I am so unhappy with the stresses my life demands,,,It seems to becoming harder to cope

      • Kristine

        I have dealt with depression on and off since high school but this last bout is by far the worst and has lasted a year and a half now. I too am tired. Tired of feeling sad, isolated. Someone mentioned feeling like there is a glass wall between you and the rest of the world. When I am at work it is like I am in my own world that no one can perceive. I interact with my co workers with fake smiles and conversation all the while I feel anxious and fake. I feel like they can perceive my awkwardness but maybe can’t put a finger on what the issue is. I make stupid mistakes even though I try so hard which just makes me feel worse. I was in a coaching session with my boss and he said the team liked me. I felt like crying. It surprised me that he said that and a part of me doesn’t understand why they would like me when I feel like I can’t give to them what they are able to give to others.there is often a weight on my chest and my head is filled with negative thoughts. Every once in a while I have a day where I feel happy. I had one last week. I felt light and able to interact authentically with the world. I want that more often.

    • Kina

      Wow… Thats kind of similar to my depression.
      Everyhing was uninteresting, the whole world felt grey to me. And thanks for your words it did cheer me up a bit 🙂

  • myself

    I have been having depression all my life. Only intill 7 months
    ago,I tried to kill myself. I have been on and off prozac and currently
    not working But this has better understand depression I have.

  • Erika

    Its been three years now. I didn\‘t realize that until I stopped
    smoking pot/other drugs and drinking an obscene amount of alcohol on the
    weekends. Even though that sounds out of control it wasn\‘t really to
    me at the time. I was simply not allowing myself to feel what was really
    going on inside. My depression feels like I am being suffocated. Like
    there is an anvil on my chest that won\‘t go away. Nothing has a point
    or meaning anymore. Such a feeling of insignificence, dirtiniess, like I
    am not even a person anymore. All I want to do is cry, but I don\‘t
    feel as though there are any more tears left to cry. Anxiety is an
    understatement.

    • Grace

      Wow I wish I could talk to u cause at the moment that is how I feel to the dot on weekends I get wasted till I lose my self the next day idk remember anything and I feel hopeless like nothing matters any more

      • Kelvin Sheng

        I feel exactly the same with you except that I have been depressed for 13 years, and it has completely ruined my career, my marriage, my investment, I have nothing left, nowadays I can’t even get out of bed, they are not going to hire someone that doesn’t the functionality.

    • Charlotte

      Omg I feel like you get everything I’m going through right now. I’m 15 and all I could wish for is some sort help like if I had drugs/alcohol to ease the pain. I realise you wrote this a long time ago and please tell me you are no longer feel this way to give me hope because I don’t feel I can go on this way for much longer.

      • Michelle

        I too felt this way for months – alcohol doesn’t work — it only drowns the feelings temporarily and you wake up feeling worse. With help and support I got a “team” together and thanks to a 12-step program, a psychotherapist and psychiatrist who prescribed the proper medication, I got through to the other side. Seek professional help and hang in there; there is H.O.P.E. (Hold On Pain Ends.) prayers coming your way.

      • johnnyg

        hi charlotte i have had depression and still do but what you need is to tell your family how you feel and go see a depression therapist that can either listen to you and make you feel some hope in life or put you on something that will lift you up day by day 🙂 dont give up and hope u feel better

        • Kelvin Sheng

          Ihave experienced severe depression and anxiety disorder for the past 13 years. They are the most desvastating crippling illness there is. I feel extremely fearful with successful people, like I am just a piece of shit that can’t even handle his own emotions. Life is not fair to us! John, hope you do well!

      • Mark Armstrong

        Hey bro. at your age dont look for the easy fixes that others have. I can promise it will only exasperate your negative feelings and take you to the Dark Side of the Force.
        Little bro, Meditation of some sort, deep breathing exercises, walking amongst nature anywhere, try not to be alone to much (but be with the right people if you need company)
        Keep it simple bro.
        Im 43 now and helped many kids and adults along my way though this.
        Go down this path and you will succeed.
        3ps. Patients, Perseverance and Purpose.
        Thats my very long story in short.
        The world is yours, step up mate and take it.All the best wishes for you. Heart out.

        • Wendy

          Thank you mark for your words of hope, and I like the 3ps I’v just realised I’m suffering from depression after a nervous breakdown and patience is something I’m finding hard

      • Aaliyah

        Charlotte I totally understand, I find myself sometimes sitting and wondering if there was SOMETHING that could help me. I would open drugs and alcohol into my life if I could.I’m only 10 yes old but depression runs in my family.

        • Jen

          Drugs and alcohol will just make things worse.

          Editor: While this is true, it’s also true that dealing with depression this way is a common and understandable response. Try to channel your depression into pursuits like exercise instead.

          • Annette

            I exercise, workout,walk, eat healthy but I’m still alone so all the time
            Spent taking care of me isn’t helping because I don’t trust people because they gossip and lie and only look out for themselves. I hate going to work because people don’t work they see what they can do to get out of work.

        • Alfred marcoux

          Find something that you really believe picture it and improve it in someway
          Be someone that like itself .its a struggle.b utyou can do it.

      • Alfred marcoux

        I have learned by accomplish something I makes you feel like someone I pick up the guitar.and learned a few cords and know I sing on how I feel and the words are really wonderful.

    • Darrell Mcnulty

      I don’t feel really anymore horrible ferry feelings. Bad thoughts that feel like people nt anymore people look strange to but I no who they totally gone from the world is there anyway back it’s a living hell

    • niecy

      I think i feel the same way i have a cyst on my left ovary and im just overly depressed because it has come between my life as to i cant work and have to have surgery and its like no one understands u but u….

      • Wendy

        It’s nice to see that people are still posting here, somehow I ended up on this site and reading all this I’v realised I’m suffering quite a lot with depression

        • Nicki

          My boyfriend thought I was getting sick, but In reality I just feel out of it. I can’t get up to eat or use the bathroom,my boyfriend makes me eat. I lack motivation for school, my mother doesn’t believe in depression so I’m alone beside my loveing boyfriend. As always, I never had any friends and to this day I still don’t. I feel like I’m moving in slow motion and I can’t do anything about it. I’ll go to laugh and I will cry, and it takes me a lot to laugh. What is wrong with me, im SO out of it I feel like I took a drug or something, but I didn’t!

      • Bessie James

        I feel like I am standing still in the middle of the road wondering,hoping if anyone will notice. My friends are driving 100mph and I can’t keep up.

    • Annette

      My problem is that I can’t cry and should. I have a boyfriend who is never there for me. He works too much when he should be thinking of retirement. I’m alone a lot and I ask him to be with me and he doesn’t. He says he has to work to pay the bills. I have savings and he doesn’t. I don’t want to spend all my money on fun things to do and he doesn’t have money so what should I do? I thought of letting him go and finding a more financially worthy man but I’m so messed up from our Rocky relationship I have to get help to heal.

    • Chris

      I used to have faith in God – I became a catholic – now I just feel a fool. I spent my whole life doing good for him – my faith was so strong, Now at the age of 66 I realise it was a waste of time. He doesnt care about me at all. I cannot connect with my daughter – just found out my son has aspergergers. Been through a horrific 3 years because I did not know my son had this. Now I am having my antidepressants changed. I tried to kill myself infront of my daughter a few days ago – she fought me. You think theres a God? forget it!!
      I have nothing to live for – most times the only reason I do not kill myself is because then I might just find myself in the company of those I knew before I came here and I would not ever want to see them them again after this horrific life.
      THAT is what depression feels like to me – no way out – only existence. No smiles, no enthusiasm any longer – just an empty shell of a once vibrant person who only wanted to help people.
      Now I worship money becuase money is the only thing I have left and I have precious little of that.
      I always thought that there would be an end to my suffering here, now I know that it just goes on on and on and on. In my darkest hours I always believed in God – now I have do not have that -at least I have found a way to make a little money for myself. I never even asked him for anything – I will never pray again, he does not exist because if he did exist, if he was a loving god then I would not be writing this.
      I even changed my name three years ago to include his name in my name – now I cant wait to change name again.
      That is what depression feels like – there is no word in the language to describe it.
      You have lost me God and everyone in heaven has lost me – was it worth it????
      I will go to a better place when I finally die – as long as it is away from you I do not really care where it is now.

    • Lindsay

      To me my depression always makes me feel like I have a 5 ton weight on my chest, and I have to make a conscious effort to breathe. It makes everything seem pointless, and I can rarely see a future for myself past the next couple years.

      • Richelle

        I know this feeling exactly. For me though, there’s also an intense lack of motivation to even go to the bathroom or eat.

        • Jenny

          I feel that way right now. I have everything I could ever want. I have an amazing husband who I have recently told him how bad depression REALLY feels to me, it made him cry. I do not know what to do anymore, the meds are NOT working.

          • Alison

            Hi Jenny, I’m in a similar position to you and have been dogged by this depression on and off for many years.I’m in the midst of it now and at last I’ve think that I’ve got through to my husband that it isn’t just ‘feeling sorry for myself’ but something much more complex. It’s so important to have someone who understands when all you can do is take your meds and stay in bed and wait. The nagging just sets you back and you feel like its a ladder that there’s another rung that’s been added at the top. I have been in clinics but you have to come out and people don’t understand and there is the stigma around it that adds to the whole tendency to recur. I hope that you are feeling a little better and have got some understanding around you.

      • Lexilu1

        Hi Lindsay, I have had severe depression these last few months. I had a genetic test called Gene Site for a bunch of medications besides psyc. meds. It was spot on for what I have tried and what reaction I had to a particular drug. I am trying Pristiq now just started and it is expensive. It was one of 3 that were good promises to help me. My depression this time I could say is crushing to me. I am not happy it has popped up so fiercely this time. I have a good Doctor I see but I have alienated myself from friends, my husband and going out and doing things. That is not me at all. I am a nice person and this has really put me in a hard place this time. I hope to get better and i hope you do also.

    • Jess

      I feel the exact same way. I thought I had depression but wasn’t exactly sure until i read this website. My depression makes me feel like I’m stuck in a deep hole in the ground and no one understands me. I have ADHD, anxiety and depression so all of these symptoms are worse. I recently have started cutting because even though I would never want to harm myself it causes a sense of relief. The only way for me to truly be happy is to surround myself with people who make me truly happy.

    • Lynn

      Why I looked this up is because I’m trying, myself, to put words to how depression feels for me, and what I’m experiencing. It’s very hard. Sometimes I wish I could just attach a projector to my mind and project what is in there. Lately there has been a definite physical mental feeling, as well as emotional. This is going to sound odd, and the whole thing is so abstract it’s very hard to find the right words, but there’s an almost icy feel. Metallic. And my thoughts don’t just flow, one idea to the next with a forward momentum. No momentum towards something, like ideas and dreams for producing anything. My dreams, though still there somewhere, are covered up with this grayness and seemed to be, feel unreachable. That’s the worst part is losing touch with my dreams. Another terrible piece is feeling like I’m a slacker for not pursing them, forgetting that it’s not my fault. When I’m thinking of a dream, for example I’m a singer/performer and it’s what I want to do more than anything, I see and feel pursuing it then it’s like a shadow comes over it, like a door shuts on it like a sliding elevator door sliding down from the top. Boom. And I can still sense my dream behind this door but I’m in able to access it. I don’t feel the hope, drive and inspiration I did before my faulty wiring set in. Physically my brain literally hurts. It feels cramped or squeezed. I don’t know if anyone is reading this since the above post is from 2013, and it’s now 2017. But, this article helped me very much. Thank you.

    • Katie

      To me, depression feels like trying to wring the last drips of water out of a damp wash cloth. I feel absolutely emotionally, physically and mentally bankrupt. Many nights I stay up late because I don’t have the energy nor do I care enough to put myself to bed. Same with food, I ignore my hunger until I can’t anymore. I feel crushing guilt and failure at life; it has been a long string of mistakes and seems such a waste. When people try and reach out to me it feels like they are laughing at me on the inside. I see it in their eyes, so I’ve stopped looking at them. I don’t trust anyone, and I feel utterly alone in the world.

      • Anonymus

        I couldnt feel more identified with your comment. This is exactly how I feel. Such an emptyness inside of me that doesnt motivate me to do anything, not even the most basic activities such as eating, showering or sleeping, as you, I only do it when my body is on the limit.

      • B

        Katie, I really, truly hope you are OK and that you found a path upward again. If you did, would you please drop me a rope?

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