Night by Edward Robert Hughes
Some people trivialize depression (often unintentionally) by dropping a platitude on a depressed person as if that is the one thing they needed to hear. While some of these thoughts have been helpful to some people (for example, some find that praying is very helpful), the context in which they are often said mitigates any intended benefit to the hearer. Platitudes don’t cure depression.
Here is the list from contributors to a.s.d. (alt.support.depression):
0. “What’s *your* problem?”
1. “Will you stop that constant whining? What makes you think that anyone cares?”
2. “Have you gotten tired yet of all this me-me-me stuff?”
3. “You just need to give yourself a kick in the rear.”
4. “But it’s all in your mind.”
5. “I thought you were stronger than that.”
6. “No one ever said life was fair.”
7. “As you get stronger you won’t have to wallow in it as much.”
8. “Pull yourself up by your bootstraps.”
9. “Do you feel better now?”(Usually said following a five minute conversation in which the speaker has asked me “what’s wrong?” and “would you like to talk about it?” with the best of intentions, but absolutely no under-standing of depression as anything but an irrational sadness.)
10. “Why don’t you just grow up?”
11. “Stop feeling sorry for yourself.”
12. “There are a lot of people worse off than you?”
13. “You have it so good, why aren’t you happy?”
14. “It’s a beautiful day!”
15. “You have so many things to be thankful for, why are you depressed!”
16. “What do you have to be depressed about”.
17. “Happiness is a choice”
18. “You think *you’ve* got problems…”
19. “Well at least it’s not that bad.”
20. “Maybe you should take vitamins for your stress.”
21. “There is always somebody worse off than you are.”
22. “Lighten up!”
23. “You should get off all those pills.”
24. “You are what you think.”
25. “Cheer up!”
26. “You’re always feeling sorry for yourself.”
27. “Why can’t you just be normal?”
28. “Things aren’t *that* bad, are they?”
29. “Have you been praying/reading the Bible?”
30. “You need to get out more.”
31. “We have to get together some time.” [Yeah, right!]
32. “Get a grip!”
33. “Most folks are about as happy as they make up their minds to be.”
34. “Take a hot bath. That’s what I always do when I’m upset.”
35. “Well, everyone gets depressed sometimes!”
36. “Get a job!”
37. “Smile and the world smiles with you, cry and you cry alone.”
38. “You don’t *look* depressed!”
39. “You’re so selfish!”
40. “You never think of anyone but yourself.”
41. “You’re just looking for attention.”
42. “Have you got PMS?”
43. “You’ll be a better person because of it!”
44. “Everybody has a bad day now and then.”
45. “You should buy nicer clothes to wear.”
46. “You catch more flies with honey than with vinegar.”
47. “Why don’t you smile more?”
48. “A person your age should be having the time of your life.”
49. “The only one you’re hurting is yourself.”
50. “You can do anything you want if you just set your mind to it.”
51. “This is a place of BUSINESS, not a HOSPITAL”; after confiding to supervisor about my depression
52. “Depression is a symptom of your sin against God.”
53. “You brought it on yourself”
54. “You can make the choice for depression and its effects, or against depression, it’s all in YOUR hands.”
55. “Get off your rear and do something.” -or- “Just do it!”
56. “Why should I care?”
57. “Snap out of it, will you?”
58. “You *want* to feel this way.”
59. “You have no reason to feel this way.”
60. “Its your own fault.”
61. “That which does not kill us makes us stronger.”
62. “You’re always worried about *your* problems.”
63. “Your problems aren’t that big.”
64. “What are you worried about? You should be fine.”
65. “Just don’t think about it.”
66. “Go Away.”
67. “You don’t have the ability to do it.”
68. “Just wait a few weeks, it’ll be over soon.”
69. “Go out and have some fun!”
70. “You’re making me depressed as well…”
71. “I just want to help you.”
72. “The world out there is not that bad…”
73. “Just try a little harder!”
74. “Believe me, I know how you feel. I was depressed once for several days.”
75. “You need a boy/girl-friend.”
76. “You need a hobby.”
77. “Just pull yourself together”
78. “You’d feel better if you went to church”
79. “I think your depression is a way of punishing us.” —My mother
80. “Sh*t or get off the pot.”
81. “So, you’re depressed. Aren’t you always?”
82. “What you need is some real tragedy in your life to give you perspective.”
83. “You’re a writer, aren’t you? Just think of all the good material you’re getting out of this.”
84. This one is best executed with an evangelical-style handshake, i.e. one of my hands is imprisoned by two belonging to a beefy person who thinks he has a lot more charisma than I do: “Our thoughts and prayers are with you.” This has actually happened to me. Bitten-back response: “Who are ‘our’? And don’t do me any favors, schmuck.”
85. “Have you tried camomile tea?”
86. “So, you’re depressed. Aren’t you always?”
87. “You will be ok, just hang in there, it will pass.” “This too shall pass.” – Ann Landers
88. “Oh, perk up!”
89. “Try not being so depressed.”
90. “Quit whining. Go out and help people and you won’t have time to brood…”
91. “Go out and get some fresh air… that always makes me feel better.”
92. “You have to take up your bed and carry on.”
93. “Why don’t you give up going to these quacks (ie doctors) and throw out those pills, then you’ll feel better.”
94. “Well, we all have our cross to bear.”
95. “You should join band or chorus or something. That way you won’t be thinking about yourself so much.”
96. “You change your mind.”
97. “You’re useless.”
98. “Nobody is responsible for your depression.”
99. “You don’t like feeling that way? So, change it.”
Version 1.7 April 29, 1995
141 Comments
“You are taking your pills, arent you?”
“it cant be as bad as you think it is” is that on here? my mom just
said this to me. i am too depressed to read the whole thing
“I’m the one that has to listen to all of this, all the time. What
do you have to be upset about?” – a “friend” who prides herself on
“being there” for me.
“well I don’t have that problem” – a “friend” who claims to “care
very deeply and will always be there”
You’re more like your mother that way; your sister and I were always
able to get over things and move on with life. Just don’t dwell on it.
(spoken by my father)
snap out of it man there are other people who are depressed to you
know you just need to get a hobby or some thing and evry thing will be
okay.
i wanted to punch him then after he said that
It is not my duty to be bothered by your illness. Do not poison me
with your misery. (Last words from my ex-friend)
“You’re looking too deep into this, stop putting yourself down even
more. There are other ways to deal with depression then sit there and
sulk. You’re not the girl that used to be my best friend. It’s like I
don’t know you anymore.”
shut the fruck up u pussy licker
“what do you want me to do? Slash my wrists?!” from my bf when we
were arguing after I told him that I didn’t believe him about something
and he wanted to know how he could “prove” to me he was serious.
and “I don’t need this!!” I think he was referring
to my depression.
your lazy and worthless , get off your ass , stop complaining and
get a job so you wont have time to mope.
11. “I’m tired of your b*llsh*t”, said by my ex before leaving me.
All the others on the list, btw, I’ve heard from a ‘friend’, who wonders
why I’m avoiding her. So go F-off yourself, to both of you, or go F
each other, as I know you do now.
“So I guess the The sacrifice of Christ on the Cross and eternal
life aren’t good enough for you?
“what’s wrong with YOU?” – Often, from
randomw strangers in the supermarket etc, in response to my anxiety.
My mum’s favorite thing to do is rip out the magazine inserts for
new anti-depressants and bring them to me. “Look, Cymbalta! This sounds
just like you!”
“Don’t tell anyone you’re taking pills. They’ll think you’re crazy.”
“It’s all in your hands.”
You are just making it worse by talking about it.
“You just want people to feel sorry for you, that’s why you’re
acting this way.”
It’s all in your mind.
You just like having the excuse to be lazy. (after I was signed off work
as had panic attack in front of a class)
You don’t know what is you and what is the medication.
Really you should just smile more.
I’m sick of your stupid moping get out there and do something.
All my mum! lol helpful woman she is!!
“why dont you smile” someone that doesnt even know me.
“why dont you talk much” the only words i heard this girl say in 2
hours
“little emo kid”
“i wish she’d drop dead” a friend to a friend about me
thnxx rhi sum friend u r
“Your problem is that you are a cup half empty sort of person.”
Friend
“I know that you’re depressed. But it drags me down and makes me not
want to be around you when you get like this.” Told to me by my bf,
after trying to explain to him that I don’t choose to
be depressed. Another thing he says to me, after crying about nothing
(to him anyway), “Do you have something you need to tell me?” which is
his code for ‘Have you been cheating on me’
There’s a LOT of backstory behind this
one, but suffice it to say I’m a former Christian, and deconverted in
the last two years, but have suffered from undiagnosed (but disturbingly
depressive) symptoms for far longer:
“If being an atheist is so great, why are you so depressed/want to
kill yourself?”
-Your like a d*mn robot(mom)
-I must have really screwed up with you(mom)
“God never gives you more than you can handle”
we are just dealt cards in life…I would hope God doesn’t playout
that I deserve the LOT in this life….
“I understand you’re depressed, but do you have any idea how hard
you’re making this on me and our child?” My wife
Once my father wanted me to help him fill out a medical history form
for his insurance at work.. I told him I was going to put a check next
to Depression (mine) and he said, “No.” I said, “But I have Depression.
I’ve taken medication for it.” (He knows this) He simply said, “No
you haven’t.” It was like he was embarrassed so he had to deny it.
I’ve never felt worse about myself.
my dad was dying. i was having melt down.minister brother told me to
suck it up
Sometimes people just need to do some of the more motivational
things on this list. Sitting around doing nothing makes you more
depressed in my personal experience. There is happiness and fun out
there. Depressed people (sometimes myself) are just worse at finding it
than others. Think of the positive and good things will happen. Think of
how depressed you are and you only compound the problem.
To all the people who think “I should just kill myself” or the like
after hearing some person say these things…..quit being so melodramatic.
Other people are way worse off than you are!
I gave you so many beautiful things and you didn’t care..
You’re just not trying hard enough.
“Why don’t you do anything?!” – Husband
“Why can’t you just get out of bed?!” – Husband
I had thought mu husband went into my daughters room to tell her
something but i was mistaken and when i asked him about it he asked me
if i was a skitzo as well. wow is all i could say. —jenn
Try getting out and working in the yard, you’ll feel better (my
mother).— I hated working in the yard before the depression.
Get up and get busy and you won’t have time to think about it (my
mother).
Look at all the things you have to be happy about (my minister).
Just try thinking about other things (my mother).
This is all Satan’s doing (a friend).
You should get back in church and use the beautiful voice God gave
you (same friend).
When I’m down, I just deal with it myself (my mother).
“You know I’m here for you but I’m going to give up if you don’t
snap out of it.” – friend
“You need chocolate” – friend
“You don’t need medicine, you just don’t have enough to do. Why
don’t you get a job?” from my own mother who has bipolar disorder. Oh
well…
whats your problem?….your phsycho ,you need help , im not
responsible for your depressions, why your crying ,grow up ,stop being
selfish ,im leaving you ….if you do this again!and there is more
….saying by boyfriend
No one wants to be around that! – friend
You bring everyone else down.- friend
She got DEPRESSED because she lost her
rabbit? (a “friend” laughing about another person’s depression)
I can’t tell anyone about my depression and I thought church would
be the first place I could go. Sad.
“You’ve turned into a complete LOON!”
“You’re a train-wreck”
“All you do is complain, cry, and sleep, you don’t even have a life
anymore!”
-these by a “supportive” boyfriend
“Do you know how guilty you are trying to make me feel?”
“All you need is exercise to get back to your ‘normal’ weight and you’ll
be happy”
-Mom
My sister is a licensed neuropsychologist. During a depressive
episode, she said to me to “Be Happy.” I know she was meaning to relay
kind words, but I felt like clocking her. If she said “get well,” I
would have appreciated it. “Be Happy?” From a licensed
neuropsychologist? I love her, but I felt like calling for the
revocation of her license!
“It’s all in your head”
“you’re exaggerating, it’s not that bad. You’re wrong, I don’t want to
listen to this anymore, I’m leaving. You’re psychotic”
“I knew what it was like to be in love before – I don’t know why you
can’t be more like her. I actually liked being with her.”
“Do you know how much you look like your mother? She’s like 30 years
older than you! Ugh!”
“I’m here for you”. That’s what my family and friend always say.
When I want to talk I can’t find the words to express myself and
everyone either gets real quiet or they immediately change the subject.
Been to psychiatrist, counselers and clergy for the past 30 years. I
have come to the conclusion that no one really cares. I go to bed and I
pray that I won’t wake up and in the morning I realize that I am not
even good enough for death, heaven or hell.
“You’re a basket case!”
and
“If it wasn’t for me they would have locked you in a padded cell.”
from my (now former) partner {:-(
who said I was bringing him down…
I’m better off alone than trying to please someone else
“I’m sick of looking at your sour face, pull your sock’s up would
you”
“you need to get out more, it’s not healthy”
“your not making this easy for us”
“your making a real mess of yourself” when i get anxious i tend to pick
at my skin
“have you got a job yet”
“you need to try harder, that’s your problem”
“try going for a walk”
“you look ill”
“if you struggle through this and others are managing maybe your just
not good enough” struggling through my degree…
“you’ll get over it”
“be grateful for what you have”
“don’t lose anymore weight” I’ve dropped 15 kilo’s since christmas and i
can’t help it, its sad no one can approach me and try to help they
ignore anything is wrong with me it makes me so angry and i just take it
out on myself, I just wanna scream! It helps by venting though.
All quotes spoken by my dad and step mum
I know you’re depressed, but what am I supposed to do about it?
I’m just tired of hearing about it. Tell it to the doctor.
-Ano
“You’re an emo kid, quit whinging”
“Go slit your wrists already”
“Go and exercise, you’ll feel better!” I hate that one, I can barely get
out of bed, what makes you think I can walk a mile???
“You don’t really have depression, it’s your astrological sign” WTF? From my stupid ex.
“It’s because you’re a Criminal Justice major. You should have gone into
Biotech.” What?
“You do it to yourself. You put yourself in the position to be hurt
so it’s your fault. No one can feel bad for you because you ask for
it. That pisses me off because you do it to yourself and then complain
about it.” HELLO no SHIT,
I need help, not your whinning…way to go “best-friend.”
I hate it when people say ‘you should be out socilising!’ or ‘you
need to grow up and take responiability, you’re not a child anymore, you
need to help out with the family!’ – I was fourteen at the time and
have yet to forgive my dad. Mostly likly never will.
after i explained the symptoms of depression: “that just sounds like
laziness” and “of course you’re gonna feel that way if you always think
about unhappy things” also, upon learning that i have had extended
periods of depression in the past: “well, you’ve had it before so you
should be able to deal with it by now” -my roommate
“You just need to get off your @$$ and do something already!” – my
boyfriend. I’ve been with him for over a year, and have struggled with
depression for years, but managed to overcome it for a while, until a
miscarriage six months ago triggered it. I haven’t been able to go out
and socialize or work or be anything less than a burden to him since
then.
“We’d like you better if you were less of a buzz-kill.” – some
friends who ‘care’ about me. We were drinking, and he asked me why I was
always so miserable. I told him it was because I felt worthless and
insignificant. He took it to mean that I thought that THEY
made me feel like that.
“Just do your homework. I know you can do it. Do it for me.” – The
reason I’m not doing it is because I CAN’T.
Got it?
“You need to sleep more, okay?”
“You need to eat.”
“How was your day?” – Honestly, pretty much everyday is the same, a
struggle. But I have to lie and say that my day was ok.
And even though my bf says that he’s “always there for me to cheer
me up” he always gets really upset when I try to talk to him about my
depression and he just doesn’t get it. I feel so guilty for not being
able to put myself 100% into our relationship, especially when he says
things along the lines of what I said above.
Also my friend likes to continually ask me
“Why don’t you love me anymore?”
“What’s wrong with you?”
“Why are you always so tired?”
I don’t hate her, I’m just always too depressed to deal with her.
“I don’t have room for this in my life.”
I have a friend, who, when I talked to her about being depressed and
suicidal, responded by telling me a list of the problems she was having
with her boyfriend and how sad she was about it.
She didn’t seem too interested in what was going on with me…almost
like one-upmanship.
The worst thing though is to say nothing, and not be available to
someone at all, to not call back, to be absent as a friend if I try to
reach out. That’s the worst rejection, and at the worst time.
my personal favourite worst thing ever said was from a roommate in
university.
“you know what you should do? go for a run. you’d feel so much
better.”
i hadn’t been able to get out of bed (except to pee) for 3 days. she
did apologise later for being insensitive.
After he told me he cares about me and lets talk about it, he told
me to shut up.
From my loving boyfriend
My dad says things like “it’s always got to be about you doesn’t it”
and “You need to get your priorities straight”
Nice things to say considering I just watched my mom die of cancer.
You’re a very smiley girl. I was always see you laughing and joking
around with your friends. How can you say you’re depressed?
[They’re not my friends and it’s called faking it you dumbass.]
-Why don’t you try smiling occasionally?
-Usually, you just kinda zombie through your day. It’s weird.
-You’re a very negative person.
-You just want to be one of those ‘things’. (My Dad, referring to
anyone who suffers depression)
“We all have our good days and bad days….”
Arrin: OMG, my dad says that all the time.
It always worked to make me feel guilty…
Most of these are from him:
(angrily) “Do you have ANY JOY in your life?”
“I can’t even look at your face when you’re like this.”
“You’re using these pills as a crutch.” (WTF
is wrong with crutches?! Also, even though most people use them for
short periods to heal, others use them their whole lives, AND IT’S OKAY.)
Anything that is a “tough love” “scare you straight” type of thing.
“You aren’t contributing enough to this household. You just take and
take.”
“I don’t buy this ‘depression’ idea. You’ve ALWAYS
been like this.” (Yes! I have been depressed most of my life!)
“You don’t have any excuse for not coming
out/visiting/calling/emailing!”
“But first, can’t you admit that part of you secretly wants to be
this way?”
“How long is this going to last?”
“Why are you depressed”
If I knew the answers…do you think I’d have this fuzzy smothering
blanket of depression on me?
I’ve come to consider it a Zen type state of being…I don’t care, no
one cares, just me and the big Guy in the Sky trudging through day by
day…
From my Mum who prefers everyone else on the planet to me…
WOW, I CAN RELATE TO EVERY SINGLE THING SAID ON HERE, HEARD IT ALL…YEA PEOPLE ARE THERE..TILL THEY GET FED UP WITH YOU.
“Isn’t socializing more fun than just sitting around feeling sorry
for yourself?” – said to me by a psychiatrist I was seeking help from.
The main reason why I decided to fake that I’m better and not visit her
again, although as a student I get free “treatment” there.
“Just snap out of it already, will you?”, “You obviously want to be this
way. I give up.” – my sister.
“You are attracting negative energy, and the more you spend your
time feeling bad, the more negative energy you’re going to get.”
“Don’t make excuses for yourself.” (Accompanied by an eye-roll.)
Said to me by my sibling when I was explaining why it’s hard to take
care of myself when depressed.
20 Nov 2009
I’ve heard or thought most of the things posted… it’s been three
years now…. no sign of respite.
From previous post:
Said to me by mother
-Build a bridge and get over it – Just snap out of it you silly little
girl
-Act your age, not your mentality.
-You’re not the only one wit problems.
-Take some panadol
Said to me by friends – This is the Devil’s doing. You stopped
believing in God
-Go back to Church
-It is never as bas as you think it is, we don’t think its that bad. You
are just pretending.
75. Who gives a fuck?! my life is harder than yours so quit
complianing and go do your chores. – dad
Go tell someone else cause i dont have time. -mom
look, you’ve been dealing with this for how ling now? so just go
take your pills and do what you always do to make yourself NORMAL again. – self proclaimed “best friend”
It’s all about you. It’s always been all about you.
These are little tidbits from people who know I’ve been suffering
from depression for years…
`“Tell me what I can do to cheer you up”
`“We all love you”
`“I am just going to stop inviting you because you never come”
`“Where did I go wrong with you” – Mother
`“All you do is stay in your room. You need to go out more”
`“You’re not getting any younger… you need to start living your life”
“Just take it one day at a time.”
nice, considering i can barely “take it” one minute at a time…
my personal favorite has to be ‘next time you want to kill yourself
let me know and i’ll help’from my ‘lovely’ ex boyfriend that i’d dumped
my actually lovely husband for
“You worry too much!” is what my father always says to ‘cheer me
up’.
Are all of us depressed. Watsup with this depression thing?? Is
there no definite cure or is there not something we can do collectively
as people who’ve been through it so we can help each other out.
My brother’s friend, in response to his negative thinking and
suicide attempt, suggested to him, “Have you ever considered that maybe
it’s just your time?”
I agree, with all of you. and i feel for you. i hate being
depressed… others think that we can just pull ourselves right out of it
but, its just not that simple and no one understands that. i have only
told two of my friends about my depression because i wouldnt be able to
stand what any one else would say. my one friend who i have known for
ever told me to “get over it, its all in ur head!” then rolled her eyes.
my second friend is trying but i dont see her much, she says if i ever
get that upset i can talk to her. but, what if i get so upset i attemp
to kill myself? i wouldn’t go to anyone to stop me if i wanted to die. i
am afraid of people’s reaction, so i have chosen to suffer in silence…
“well if you’re going to kill yourself, your going to kill yourself,
nobody can stop you.” – best friend on hearing that I had been
struggling with suicidal thoughts
“you should get a different doctor” “why haven’t you gone to a
therapist?” “you shouldn’t be on medication” “you’ve been seeing that
therapist for months, it’s clearly not working” “you shouldn’t be taking
antidepressants” “have you talked to your doctor about increasing your
dosage” “this is really hard on us, we never sleep at night because
we’re sick with worry” “it’s because you’re not eating properly” “it’s
because you’re not organized” “it’s because you don’t spend your money
properly” “can’t you go on stress leave?”
“we’re not surprised. We’ve been observing patterns” a CBC boss.
“we had to pay for you to go see a psychiatrist for an appraisal. We
had to pay for it” same boss.
“you’re selfish and a coward” – parents after reading in my journal
that I was feeling suicidal.
“You are crazy”
“how do you expect to get better if you dont even TRY?“ – “friend”
“I hate life too and I don’t wanna wake up in the morning or go to work
either” – mother
“It’s your fault” – father
“I don’t know what to say” – many people
“lazy!” – “friend”
“do you go to church?” – physician psychotherapist
“go to school and get your education”
“stop complaining”
“you’re so negative”
“there’s nothing even going on in your life!!!”
“go home and think about what can make you happy and come back in 2
weeks and tell me” – psychotherapist again..
“you need to eat better and exercise and you won’t be so tired”
-“friend”
“eww you sleep so much” -“friend”
“I know how you feel…explains ther problems to make me think
their life is worse so I should be happy
“you dont even have it THAT
bad I don’t see why you’re depressed”
“pray and things will get better!!”- “friend”
I know, totally. I just read through the list and I realized that
over half the list of stuff on that has been said to me. >_<
Of course, they only made me feel worse.
Wow, I heard alot of these, and alot of these are pretty messed up.
But you know, when you have someone you can open up to. . It’s the best
thing in the world.
But when you loose that person and those chances. . It completely sucks,
cause then you feel alone. And you don’t want to burden anyone with
your problems. .
“but you were doing so well…”
said after obtaining a goal in life and then later falling depressed.
also said in a ‘why do you have to mess everything up’ way.
“don’t say that!” (I’m feeling depressed)
(from a healthcare professional)
have a good nights sleep (pointless, but extra frustrating when you
also have insommnia)
What are some good things to say to a depressed person then?
“Oh, for once I was actually in a good mood and you had to go and
spoil it for me! Thank you, now I feel like shit, too! “
“Okay, so you’re unhappy. Did you even TRY
to do something about it, instead of staying there, pitying yourself? “
“You have this destructive tendency to make others feel bad”
“I don’t dislike you, I just hate the way you think! “
“If you don’t manifest all of your deep and profound feelings
they’re useless anyway; so why bother with them when you’re ice-cold in
the first place? “
“You are missing a crucial element in your life and there’s no nicer
way of putting it. You need LOVE “
“I know this isn’t helping you at all, but … “
Then why the Hell are you saying it ?!
“Okay, now you just blocked me. Why would you say something like
that? What are you implying with that remark? “ – after I started
getting pissed at the reactions I was receiving.
“Its all in your head, I went through the same thing, you’ll just
get out of it” etc
“I know you, you wouldn’t hurt yourself so stop talking about it”
“Your spoiled.”
“The world doesn’t revolve around you.” My mum said this. I said the
same thing back to her and she said “actually it does!”
I get fed up with the expectations. All the shoulds tht everyone
has. “You should workout more” or “you should try eating better” how
about the famous “why aren’t you doing better, you’re so smart and
creative, you should be better than this” “you shouldn’t isolate
yourself”
I know what I should and should not do. Kowing isn’t the problem.
Knowing how is sometimes a differen story. Don’t tell me what to do,
just tell me you love me, be there when I want to talk and don’t judge
me if I don’t want to.
Don’t try t solve it, it’s something that I have to do for me, and
don’t act like I’m crazy becsaue this is the hardest thing I’ve ever had
to deal with in my life and if you can’t uderstand that then what right
do you really have in telling me what I should or should nt do?
I probably said a half of those things to my sister. I hate myself
for that now. Of course my cousins aren’t helping at all. Sometimes I
want to scream “Who the hell are you to judge when you won’t even move
your fat-ass!”.
Years ago I got from my mom a nice “I’d be depressed too with the
stuff that happens to me, but I can’t afford to be depressed” I still
wonder…can I? She said it like it was a luxury to afford being
depressed…living depressed…if you can call it a living, that is.
Still haunts me…years and years after, now that I’m very depressed
again…I can only hear her and it makes me feel so lonely!
“You’re a handsome guy…you could get any girl you want…how can you
be depressed?” – Said to me, straight male with depression.
Another favorite of mine is when they tell me something like “I
started out with ten dollars in the bank, and now I have $$$$. I’m
proof that it can be done!” (as if depression comes from lack of
possessions)
Things will get better. Yea right 34 years latter no change. This
statement, “things will get better” is the worst I know and I have heard
lots.
i think if we had a righteous partner in life, things would feel
better. when things arent righteous-it feels like shit
but then how do u expect people to respond ??
I have a friend who’s depressed, and i have to admit, i might have
said a couple of those things on that list, its just that we do not know
how to react or what we should be saying…
alot of what ive read here, ive heard… but the worst ive ever heard
someone say to me was “here, have fun and dont come back” said to me by
my ex-gf while she handed me a knife…
Well, you have to WANT to get better.
(From my Mom and BF).
This list is too long.
“stop trying to tell me your problems, i don’t care!”- sister.
“just shut up, and quit pretending..”-sister again.
“stop acting like this everyone knows depressed people cut
themselves, you have to be emo to act like this!”- My best friend..
“stop making this out as more than it is..your just going through a
phase.”- mom
What do YOU have to be depressed
about….comming from my mom whos been depressed for over 10 years
The Worst thing that was ever said to me, and hurt the most, was by
my bf. “ NORMAL people don’t act like this! I
have to think about this relationship. I don’t need this!”
Those are all not helpful – and at the same time some are true. My
son has depression and from all the stories I see about ppl who have
survived, they all say you have to want to change and they all say that
it is important to say that it will get better, it will not be so bad
forever. So what do I say to my son?
‘What you need is a good nights sleep’
‘Tomorrow’s another day’
‘You have nothing to be depressed about and DONT
TAKE THOSE PILLS’
The top one is the phrase I cant abide the most. Hell if sleep was
the cure why am I getting up and going to work!?
Ummm, so what the heck SHOULD you say?
Knowing someone who is depressed is extremely draining when that person
complains and whines contantly, yet, does nothing to help herself.
“you’re not a survivor”, and “it must be so difficult
to be you” (mother)
“You’re not even trying.” – Boyfriend
Yeah, okay. I only see the therapist every week and take my pills
everyday, read stupid amounts of self-help books and try to talk about
my feelings. Seems like I do everything I’m told is supposed to work.
At least he apologized after he realized it was a completely idiotic
thing to say.
This is a great thread.
“your fine its just teenage problems itll go soon” my mum after
tellin her id been self harming for 2 and a half years, that i was
getting to suicidal for it to be teenage stuff i need help
i took three months and an overdose to get to the doctors
“im worried sick about you i cant sleep”
“i dont know if i even shout at you if you do something ur not supposed
to”
treat me like a normal person
“shut the fuck up i dont care”
“do i care?”
“Are you sure you not making this out to be more than it is, after
all, with the way you’ve been acting the past couple of months it’s like
you want to make people think you’re suffering.”
“It’s just a phase, get over it.”
“Oh, cool. Hey, guess who I talked to last night! My boyfriend! God,
it’s such a shame you don’t have one… Hey, that’d probably make you
snap out of this melodramatic sh*t!” (Just after I confessed to my best
friend that the couple of months I spent without venturing out of my
house except to go to school were because I couldn’t face life)
“You have a choice in life”. These are words from merciless people
over you.
“You think you have it bad, you haven’t got a clue what I’m going
through…”
and then they usually say something rather trivial.
Or even:
“Stop being so selfish, think of other people who aren’t as well off as
you are, so suck it up”.
Are those on here?
I’ve gotten
“Grow up!” and “Snap out of it!” countless times.
“You need to get out and live your life.”
You know, I would do that if I could…
“Why don’t you go out and get some exercise for a change?”
“Oh my god!” followed by an eyeroll and slammed door after
explaining that being around lots of people is too stressful to deal
with.
Your just putting a label on it.
my mom—“you did this to yourself”
“You don’t have depression it’s just anxiety”
“eat something, you look horrible”
“Everybody feels this way”
“Your such a joy to be around” (sarcastically)
‘‘you are just coward and lazy’‘
from someone claimed to be my most sensitive friend. the words still
rings sometimes in my ears.
“Don’t DO this to me,”
-my mother after receiving my down texts.
Got long term depression and it got out of control. Used to be
reliable for work and had a very good relationship with my exboss. But
couldn’t woke or care anymore when the depression worsen.
“if I am not your friend, I would have writen you up and fire you. I
cannot depend on you for any thing” even after I told him I have severe
depression and broken down at work.
“Its not that bad” when I complain about the job, but he himself quit
because he has been kick and yelling for how bad he job was.
“drink some boose and smoke you will feel better”. — after I toldi can’t
becoz of drug interaction and I hate smoking and drinking.
my dad always tells me “SNAP OUT OF IT” LIKE REALLY I CANT JUST SNAP OUT OF IT WTF AHHH WTF I HATE IT WHEN PPL TELL ME THAT FUCKEN CRAP
“ Look at how the years are just flying by and time is just passing
us up”(my fed up boyfriend) Or,“You know if you kill yourself you’ll
just end up in hell.” And my personal favorite,“Our relationship is
going nowhere. When I met you so and so weren’t even dating back then
and now look at them. They’re married, have a house, and careers.”
i only call my family when i think i’m gonna go mad from loneliness.
but then after talking to them i’m seriously convinced that suicide is
the only solution. my beloved DOG is the only
thing that keeps me alive.
“Think about what you are doing to me!”
)
“Don’t you see are hurting us with this?!”
“Hey, why don’t you go to that football-watching party right now, k?
Bye!” (soccer for u americans
“Go eat something!”
“It’s because you don’t eat enough meat.”
“It’ll go away once you have kids to care for!”
“Stop being like that!”
….
“I had a worse childhood and adolescence than you and I don’t
complain”; I hear this and the whole drama of my mother’s life often, as
well as “If you’re going to cry do it away from me”. It really hurts.
My mother has suffered from depression all of her life. After
reading all the comments, please help me to understand what would be the
right thing to say to someone who suffers from that disease? It is
damm hard on anyone to see a loved one suffer.
What is the right thing to say? What is it?
Depression ruins lives, also the lives of the ones who have to live and
care for people with depression. This is not a one way street!
“ you must be hiding something, there’s something your not telling
me… Are you gay?” – dad
“man up, only women are depressed” – dad
Or when friends try to hook me up with somebody, as if I wasn’t
depressed with my ex’s
People who don’t know what it’s like can be insensitive.
I have dealt with depression since I was a teenager, and most people
don’t know what to say. But if you think about it… really, what could
they say?
I’ve been told “snap out of it” um “get a hobby” to pray, etc… if
there were something I could
doto make it go away, I wouldhave done it. But they don’t know that. So what could they say?
I sure nodded my head all through that list of platitudes and “worst
things to say”. I have noticed that people tend to drop those lines in
response not only to those who are depressed, but also to folks facing
almost any difficulty— social anxiety, serious interpersonal or family
conflict, trauma, harassment, you name it! people drop these
blame-the-victim (survivor!) platitudes— and I DONT
KNOW WHY!!!!??!!
It has got to be especially hard on those struggling with trauma
and/or depression.
How about this from my only sister when I expressed suicidal
feelings, “Don’t leave messages for me like that..I can’t deal with you
so don’t call me when you feel like that.”
“Shut the fuck up and quite being a damn baby, you fucking pussy.
God, no wonder no one likes being around you” -everyone
“Who cares, ive got bigger shit” -friends
“Get a grip, and stop whining”-mom
Worst of them all
“If you would stop being a bitch and stop hosting a pity party,
you’d be better” -asshats
…long involved story about someone she knows who has kidney disease
and still manages to be upbeat, followed by:
“so at least you’re not dying!” — my mother
Important note: This cheery comment came six weeks after I’d
actually gone into respiratory failure after an overdose. So instead of
being uplifting, it was just a reminder of how I’d failed.
“Are you feeling any better?”
And then when I tell them “No,” I get, “You’re really starting to piss
me off.”
I’ve also gotten, “If you’re going to clog the limelight with
self-pity…” followed by passive-aggressive reasons why I should feel
better and let them help me.
-From one of my “best friends”.
“I’m going to force you to eat/volunteer/see a psychiatrist.”
“Don’t lay in bed all day, it’s depressing.”
-From my mother, who has suffered from depression for as long as I can
remember.
I have found that people who have never been touched by depression
in any way cannot understand the concept of it. As such they say the
most ridiculous things. My father is a prime example with the “sort
yerself out”/ “pull yer socks up” kind of comments.
Even friends who do empathize with you, soon tire of the condition
and especially of hearing about it.
I tried keeping it to myself but became introverted and didnt see
anyone unless they explicitly organised to see me or came to my house. I
was still ok in their company – it was more the organising I couldnt do
– but they soon fell away thinking I wasnt interested in friendship.
I have a 13 month old son and have suffered the worst depression since shortly after he was born. I love it when my mother says
” you can’t do this, you have to talk to yourself and tell yourself it’ll be ok cause you have a son who needs you”
Really…and that makes me feel sooo much better when I know my son needs me and my hubby has to take care of him
Several of them little jewels I’ve heard from my husband, who believes he’s supportive when that fog takes me in. I want more than anything to seek professional help, but we’re without insurance now. I wait for it to pass and try not to let it show, to avoid confrontation. When I told him I’d attempted suicide many years ago, he looked at me as if someone had mistakenly unlocked the door to the farm and he grabbed the wrong girl. He’s since claimed to understand, but I’ll never forget it, which is why I still don’t believe his “support”.
“When you ran track in college, you were so strong….” and ” But you are so smart….” and WORST and most offensive and showing of lack of understanding of the DISEASE….”But you made it through law school, you obviously can’t have a real problem.”
” Is it really that bad?”-mother
“you need to cheer up”-mother
“quit being so mopey”- a friend
” these feelings are just Satan holding you back-a friend
“you just need to get laid”-father
“you have no reason to be sad, you don’t know what real pain is”-father
“don’t diagnose yourself, it may not be it could be something else”- mother
“why do you feel this way”- mother
‘Get over yourself’ -a friend
‘Why can’t you be normal’ -people
‘Why can’t you be more like *insert name of ex best friend*?’ -mother
‘You’re being selfish! Other people don’t even have the chance to live!’ – a friend after talking about how pointless life is and how the government forces a certian lifestyle upon society.
‘You’re an emo f*cktard’ -a person
“You’re better than this” obviously not, they then asked wat I was crying for.
When people say “I never want to hear you say that word (suicide) again”. Like I have a choice or can just flip a switch and make the thoughts go away.
All this is exactly why I don’t speak to people about my depression. I mean what’s the chance of someone actually careing?
I can pin point a large number of these that have been said by my family (mostly my mother and brother) and even a professional phsycologist, who I spoke to at the phsyco ward in the hospital. I have no respect for those people…
After I tried to tell my BFF about it:
“Saying things to make me feel bad isn’t nice!”
The ones about “helping yourself” and “you have the power to change it” are the ABSOLUTE WORST especially for children and teens or people with a history of addiction
“Why are you always sad. You should be happy because our salary will be increased”-someone at work. SO PATHETIC!!! They always think that money can by happiness.
Read all the list, but tried hard to finish it. Even a non-depressed person will become depress of this words.
“You’re not living up to your full potential”
“You’re lazy.”
“You have to pull yourself up by your bootstraps.”
“You’ve got to see the glass as half full”
“That’s very selfish of you to think that way” (after saying that I sometimes had thoughts of suicide.)
“You should lighten up on yourself and enjoy life because you only have one.” “I don’t get what your deal is” (obviously) “You’re almost never happy” (gee…) “I don’t really care for excuses and I think that everyone is exactly as happy as they want/choose to be. So if you’re unhappy I’m not going to blame your parents because you don’t have to care what they say and you don’t have to let them get to you. You choose to let them get to you.” (Funny enough, despite how much I try and don’t want these words to get to me, they still do. It’s been quite some time.) “Just make up your mind that you’re fine…” I feel tears beginning to well up when I encounter these words again.
-They give out antidepressants like candy
-Oh you’re just a teenager you’ll grow out of it (I’m 20 now what now?)
-You just need to pull yourself out of it I was depressed once but I got over it now I get up and go for a walk and I feel better
-You just like attention
-You just need to exercise it helps I learned that in psychology it help everyone (sister)
-You have just developed unhealthy ways of dealing with your problems but you’re just a teenager (my doctor referring to my self injury)
-The suicide rate is higher for minors on antidepressants than off (doctor-what if you include the number of people they told this to and never reported as depressed? I bet they killed themselves)
Suicide is the most selfish thing you can do
You’re a hypochondriac too by thinking something is wrong with you
But you don’t have highs and you were never happy even when you were a kid
You’re just not normal so you try to be different- mom
It’s you’re own fault for not getting help- sister
I don’t think you’re shy I think you’re just rude- #@$#$ of a mental health worker in school aka the reason I avoid therapy,do not trust doctors and one of the reasons I after years of verbal abuse from her don’t think I am worth saving
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