Young Man Nude by the Seashore by Flandrian Hippolyte
“It was not really alarming at first, since the change was subtle, but I did notice that my surroundings took on a different tone at certain times: the shadows of nightfall seemed more somber, my mornings were less buoyant, walks in the woods became less zestful, and there was a moment during my working hours in the late afternoon when a kind of panic and anxiety overtook me…” – William Styron, Darkness Visible
Sometimes the Depression Self-Screening Test is just too clinical, and the symptoms don’t really “click” with you. Some of the criteria are general, and if you’re suffering from depression, specifics are easier to understand. I know that I might not have diagnosed myself with depression just on the basis of those symptoms. I had no change in appetite, and no sleep problems (getting out of bed was what was difficult). Below are some un-clinical symptoms.
- Things just seem “off” or “wrong.”
- You don’t feel hopeful or happy about anything in your life.
- You’re crying a lot for no apparent reason, either at nothing, or something that normally would be insignificant.
- You feel like you’re moving (and thinking) in slow motion.
- Getting up in the morning requires a lot of effort.
- Carrying on a normal conversation is a struggle. You can’t seem to express yourself.
- You’re having trouble making simple decisions.
- Your friends and family really irritate you.
- You’re not sure if you still love your spouse/significant other.
- Smiling feels stiff and awkward. It’s like your smiling muscles are frozen.
- It seems like there’s a glass wall between you and the rest of the world.
- You’re forgetful, and it’s very difficult to concentrate on anything.
- You’re anxious and worried a lot.
- Everything seems hopeless.
- You feel like you can’t do anything right.
- You have recurring thoughts of death and/or suicidal impulses. Suicide seems like a welcome relief.
- You have a feeling of impending doom – you think something bad is going to happen, although you may not be sure what, and/or…
- …You have a very specific fear that torments you constantly.
- In your perception of the world around you, it’s always cloudy. Even on sunny days, it seems cloudy and gray.
- You feel as though you’re drowning or suffocating.
- You’re agitated, jumpy and and anxious much of the time.
- Your senses seem dulled; food tastes bland and uninteresting, music doesn’t seem to affect you, you don’t bother smelling flowers anymore.
- Incessantly and uncontrollably into your mind comes the memory of every failure, every bad or uncomfortable experience, interview or date, like a torrent of negativity.
Note: I wrote this a few years ago, and it has made its way around the Net uncredited. If you want to reproduce it in any way, please look at the terms of the Creative Commons license at the bottom of the page.
Also see How Depression May Affect Your Life. Archived comments in response to this article can be found here.
Please feel free to post your comment about what depression feels like. Don’t post:
- Questions about depression and how to handle it.
- Comments on how you think it should be managed, including finding God.
- Requests for other people to email you.
- Your depression “biography”.
Please note that comments are moderated – if you post a comment, it will not show up until it is approved, and this can take a few days. Also, this is not the best place to post if you would like responses. If you would, please post to our forum. Comments asking for responses will be edited accordingly.
755 Comments
Its been three years now. I didn\‘t realize that until I stopped
smoking pot/other drugs and drinking an obscene amount of alcohol on the
weekends. Even though that sounds out of control it wasn\‘t really to
me at the time. I was simply not allowing myself to feel what was really
going on inside. My depression feels like I am being suffocated. Like
there is an anvil on my chest that won\‘t go away. Nothing has a point
or meaning anymore. Such a feeling of insignificence, dirtiniess, like I
am not even a person anymore. All I want to do is cry, but I don\‘t
feel as though there are any more tears left to cry. Anxiety is an
understatement.
I have been having depression all my life. Only intill 7 months
ago,I tried to kill myself. I have been on and off prozac and currently
not working But this has better understand depression I have.
While I was going through my depression, I felt like I was living in
a dream. Nothing felt real and it scared me. Everything I looked at
looked fake and it seemed like I couldn’t touch it. It was a horrible
feeling. My dad described his depression as “ black and white”. He felt
like he was living in a world that was dull and boring. To anyone that
feels this way I just want to let you know that what you’re going
through is very scary and uncomfortable but it will pass. You will be
happy and be able to live life normally. It all takes time and patience.
Try not to get frustrated because the way you’re feeling will
eventually subside. I wish you all the best!
I\‘m writing this because I know first hand how BAD
depression feels. It made everything around me feel dark. It was like a
nightmare. I felt locked inside my head. Like when my arm falls asleep.
My consciousness felt dead. I felt like I was battling for my sanity. I
had hyper-somnia. I could sleep 12+ hours everyday. All of it filled
with horrendous sudo nightmares. I felt the worst in the mornings. I
would spend my mornings beside my heater wondering if this would be the
day that my wife had to commit me. I would worry about how my wife would
get a long when I was in the loony bin. I thought about how she would
serve me the divorce papers after several years of unproductive electro
shock therapies. I kept going to the doctor thinking that I was sick and
as soon as my physical body was healed my mental symptoms would be
cured. All the while I never complained of a single mental symptom
worried about the stigma associated with it. I couldn\‘t leave the
couch. When I first had an onset of symptoms I drove around frantically
looking for someone because I didn\‘t want to be alone. I felt like I
had been dosed with an hallucinogenic substance. I felt hopelessly
messed up and knew I\‘d be there the rest of my life. Things got better SLOWLY. I finally told the doc about the mental
symptoms. I got the anti-d\‘s. I started sitting on my porch swing 10
minutes at a time. Six months later I had a job. Two years later I\‘m a
teacher. Yep, it still scares me but it hasn\‘t came back full on yet.
Hopefully it won\‘t with the right treatment and lifestyle.
It\‘s a struggle to do anything. Each part of my body feels like it
weighs a thousand pounds. I ache all over and it\‘s so hard to feel
happy about anything. My worst days, I can hardly wake up and I go
through the day in a complete fog. I\‘m trying acupuncture now as I\‘ve
tried meds before and I didn\‘t like the effects. Hope this works! Good
luck to all of you out there suffering like me.
While there are many resources on depression, one that impacted me
the most is the book, \“Blessings In The Mire\” where the author talks
about her son\‘s suicide. Having myself lived with the effects of
depression on an innate level, and seeing the detrimental outcome of the
illness, I relate to this book. I hope some of you out there get a
chance to read it. It might shed some light on what you or your loved
ones are going through.
I can more or less pinpoint the exact day that i knew things stopped
feeling real it was 7 months ago even writing this now seems pointless.
Its like im going through the motions, nothing bothers me, exites me,
appeals to me even a walk in the mall doesnt get me going like it used
to.
When does it end? I ask myself the question every day when i go off
to work and put on a happy face and come home and want to die the minute
my real life hits me! Most people would probably laugh and get on with
it, cancer, depression and feelings of suicide should not come into a
normal life, this is why i do not feel that mine is normal and i need
help!
I can relate to all of you here. When I‘m not depressed I do not
think of myself as a depressed person and do not like to admit that I
will go through depressions where thoughts of suicide enter my mind.
When this all first started I felt as if I was suffocating everything
seemed much worse thn it really was because when my depression subsided
and I thought back to the moments I felt helpless I remember thinking
wow that wasn‘t that bad. It is not just an emotional feeling it is
physical as well. My head felt like it was a thousand pounds and I‘d
frequently get bad stomach pains. I‘d thik I was the most horrible
person in the world and my therapist would ask me what have I ever done
that would make me think that..I sat there blank..I had no idea but the
feelings were real and very scary. After coming out I realized my whole
family suffers from this. I thought no ..nobody feels the way I do..but
after reading everyones comments I realize I am not alone and these
feelings are very real but remember they are irrational! ALl I can say
is that this will end ..you will feel happy again so don‘t do anything
like kill yourself because it will end it will and you will look back at
that moment and think “I am so glad I am here.” My depression typically
lasts about 5 months where everyday I feel as you do. AFter taking
medicine I know my thoughts are irrational and I try not to pay
attention to them and continue to do the things I like to do because
depression will not win!
All i can say is this is the worse thing i have ever went through in
all my life. Nothing feels real unless I am taking my neurontin, I am
not sure WHAT that has to do with depression,
b/c i am being treated for nerve damage. W/O this medicine I dont want
to do NOTHING!!! I have never been a stay at
home type person. I will do anything to stay in bed. I hate myself and I
am not even sure If i want to stay married at this point…hell I dont
even know if i want to live.
I’ve been depressed and suicidal most of my life—I am just so tired,
I could sleep all day and night if I could—but I am mentally and
emotionally exhausted too. My head and stomach hurt almost every day.
My hands shake, I move like a turtle, I think and talk like one too. I
feel like I don’t “live,” I only “exist.” I don’t want to die, but I
hate the existance. If I can’t
live, then what’s the choice? I am so tired.
I have been suicidal and depressed for as long as I can remember. I
have had suicidal thoughts for all of my life and even tried to kill
myself once. I hate myself and just can’t seem to function on a normal
level like everyone else. I am always angry with myself and have
horrible thoughts like killing everybody and then killing myself. I can
relate to you all here, and let me just say one thing. Keep fighting,
and never give up…
Depression feels like being a tiny gray dot in the corner. Nothing
matters, everything hurts, especially the weariness, especially the
darkness. Head full of lukewarm lint, so there are no clear thoughts. No
energy, so it is exhausting to lift a hand to comb my hair, so I don’t
comb my hair: it is too exhausting. Everything makes you weary.
Depression feels BOOOORING.
Not much to add – you nailed it The one thing you missed was
Sally’s quote “I am so tired”. I can’t figure out why I can sleep for
14 hours and still be exhausted.
Every single one of the above i am the same , i dont feel my life
worth living , i hate life , i hate everyone aound me , everyone i see i
could shout to high heaven at , i need help i no i do , i sleep for 12
hours and then get up and go back sleep , i dont no what to do , now
writing this ive started to cry , how pathetic , over me just writing my
feelings to the world
It feels like being in a dark hole, and not being able to get out.
You can see the light far away, with no way of getting to it. I am not
worth anything nor worthy of anyone, at least that’s how I feel,
although my mind tells me otherwise. It is a confusing state, no
happiness, no enjoyment, no fun, why am I here, only for my family I
guess.
I feel like i am just totally numb to everything. I can’t do
anything right and it is very frustrating. I find myself staring off
into space and my mind is blank. I feel like I am nothing. I have
dreams but I can’t function normally to achieve them. When I get through
the day, I try and tell myself that I did good, but i just focus on
what I didn’t do. I can’t remember ANYTHING
except, that I can’t remember anything. Everybody is out to get me so I
had better get them first. My mind tells me to go do something but my
body just won’t pull it off.
I don’t really want to “LEAVE”. It just
seems as though my presence in this world doesn’t matter. I try to help
people,but then they make me feel worse. I have lost hope in everything.
I keeping waking up every morning and don’t know why. I’m sad and can’t
laugh. Everything is boring and useless. I’m told to stop having “pity
parties”. It’s not a party,I just hurt.My heart,my head, my body,
everything hurts.
I have only once before felt this terrible. I feel like a fake in
my own life. I am despeite to be back to who I was before. I love my
life and I am feeling like I an losing it. Nothing that I was excited
about even as little as a month ago makes me happy- I got a great new
job that starts in the fall and I am getting married this summer. I feel
so terrible and fearful and sad right now that I cannot believe any of
these things will happen and that it will be all my fault. With medicine
and time and love I made it out of this before without destroying my
life. I hope I can again.
i wake up every day and i just want to die. nothing gives me
pleasure anymore. my family get on my nerves and i just want to curl up
and sleep and never wake up. i’m so tired. yet no amount of sleep can
take the tiredness and lethargy away. i think about my death all the
time. i feel such a failure and useless. what is the point in living?
Up & down, wave after wave.
The feelings surge with relentless power.
Death must surely offer the respite from the anti social behaviour I’ve
fallen victim to.
I never viewed myself as a victim.
Yet depression has claimed me for it’s victim.
My will to live is lost…
Trust me when I say this illness is real.
All I can think is that I honestly don’t know. I don’t know. I
should be studying for tests and working and focusing but nothing seems
important. My brain tries to analyze everything but it just can’t handle
it. I feel like I can’t even explain what’s wrong with me.
Everything is a catastrophe, even more so every bad thing that might
happen. Nothing has any significant meaning, only suppressing my
thoughts. I can’t be honest to anyone as to my real problems, I can’t
hurt them (and myself in the process) with simply confessing I feel
depressed, I keep up appearances and sort of die inside.
I can’t cry, but I want to die. As I can’t hurt people close to me
mentally by killing myself or others physically by choosing the only
ways to commit suicide available to me (jumping from high up or jumping
in front of a bus etc.), the feeling just boils over inside: I want to
die but can’t kill myself. At the same time I just kill my emotions and
keep a happy face on the outside: I’m locked-up. And drinking heavily as
a cure doesn’t help the symptoms, just takes pain away a little while.
i know the feeling of depression already,
and i’m in 7th grade.
i’ve been having addiction with self abuse,
and even tried to suicide TWO times.
i cry for no apparent reason, and always cry myself to sleep.
i would rest my head against the windowsill,
and blast the music in my ears, blocking everything from me.
i would put on fake smiles, and
laugh to be a two-faced.
I am Extreemly sensitive and tear up every time I see an animal,
(even fish), shut up in cages, (or bowls with dirty water). My heart
goes out to them with such intense sympathy that I have to force myself
to look away. It’s gotten much worse lately. I love animals but that’s
not it, I don’t think.
When I see them, I see myself. I also am in a “cage”, alone, with no
one to undrestand.
I am So tired of Faking life and conversation when I am with people.
Every Single Day it’s the Same Thing Over and Over Again… God, Please
make it STOP!
Every time i try and think about something that used to make me
happy doesnt make me feel happy anymore, even happy feelings give me
ansiety. I just dont get it i feel like this cloud is always over me and
the sun will never come out. I would love to be someone else who doesnt
feel this way. Ive lost my confidence and self esteem. I dont even
desire to be in love anymore the thought of that also makes me feel
depressed.I just dont understand. I really feel for people who are going
through this, its a horrible feeling. But yet i feel so ungratefull
knowing that there is starving people all over the world and here i am
with enough food to feed four and i am still depressed. No matter how
many times a family member will say ‘you should be gratefull your not
starving to death or in the middle of a war zone’ and yet that doesnt
take this feeling away. But somehow i still have a little HOPE.
Have you ever seen movies or commercials where you have someone in
the center of the frame, standing stock-still, yet the whole room is
moving around them at three or four times normal speed?
That’s how it feels to me: The world is going on, and you aren’t.
My life just has no meaning, i dont even matter any more; Its
ruining everything!:(
I just want it to end. Nothing matters, I feel numb, putting on an a
facade that everything is great is becoming more and more difficult. I
hate myself and feel so insignificant. It doesn’t help that I married a
man who constantly criticizes and disrespects me. I feel like he is
right and I am better off dead.
Looking back, I have had depression most of my life.
I am now retired and am unable to enjoy the free time.
I am worse in the mornings-anxious, nervous, don’t want to do anything.
Feel as though I am good for nothing.
Spend most of the time on the sofa, not washing myself-just too much
trouble.
Only feel ok when asleep.
Then I wake up and start all over again!
I do not think that I have depression because for me there is no
hopelessness. And there is great joy—inexpressably great joy—in the Lord
that I have. My heart just hurts…aches so deeply that sometimes I just
want to stop feeling. I guess it’s like angst or something. I don’t
know.
This ache never really goes away…except when I pray, or when I read
Scripture. I came to the conclusion that when I am away from God, my
heart hurts. I took me about 9 months to figure that out. It was like I
had died, but I was still walking, talking, laughing, etc. And I still
had hope. I only ever wanted to stop living because I wanted to escape
the pain. Other than that, I enjoy living…
I just really wanted to say to all those who feel like they’re
worthless, you are NOT. I care for you. What
is more important and significant: God loves you, and He values you
immensely. Don’t ever let anyone tell you differently. Depression hurts.
But God is the Healer and Comforter. You are loved and valued more than
you will ever truly know.
what everyone been saying is exactly i ‘ve felt for the last 6
months. Always feels so painful inside, unworthy, no hope and always
feel like ending my life. I don’t feel anyone would care if i’m exist in
this world or not. my existent doesnt mean to anyone especially the
those i care and love them the most. people always left me behind, i ‘ve
lost everything there is nothing to live for , to fight for. Is that my
life?? i kept asking myself all the times. WHat am i still doing here?
i do not know at all what is wrong with me i have no clue if i have
of course i also have a sickness (ibs) which
depression but i just feel strongly that i am not right. i am just
about always mad at the world, mad at everyone, of course i do have high
anxiety, it is like never-ending exhaustion, and i tell God that i
would like to die
certainly makes me feel bad. but i want to know if something is wrong
with me i feel like the only person in the world like me, who thinks
like this, sometimes i feel like an “alien” cuz nobody else seems to
think like me.
I am ashamed of feeling this way. The more I try the less I succeed.
I’ve struggled with self image and self esteem for most of my life. I
want to feel loved but when someone tries to get close to me I push them
away, I become paranoid of their intentions, I don’t see why someone
would want to be with me. I can’t wake up without thinking how death is
much more of an option than life. I can’t even cry anymore, I’ve
surpassed that level, I cannot feel sadness, but repulsion against
everything. I cannot accomplish anything, I’ve tried to fight this
monster but it comes back to haunt me. I’ve been down for so long I
can’t remember what being happy is anymore. Being depressed, well I
can’t feel it, I live it. Depression is living in a maze, you cannot
seem to find a way out, there is not shinning light at the end of the
corridor, because there is no end.
Everyday seems like hell, when i go to bed at night i can’t sleep
cuse i start thinking about how bad the next day is gonna be.
I cant seem to focus or do anything without struggeling aloth. I cant
seem to be able to feel any emotion without sadness hopelessnes.
To for every hour that goes at a day i feel worse and ‘‘weakned’‘ and at
the end of the day i’m close to taking my own life…
This goes on again and again and again.
Every day…
To i dont seem to find help in any way.. I’m just a highschooler. so i
dont know how to get help without making it worse for myself..
I agree… it’s an existence, but barely. I’m frozen in fear, can
barely leave the house. I’ve stopped cleaning, stopped organising,
stopped thinking. I don’t love.. I don’t want to be around those I
should love. There are no friends. There is no career. I am not an
adult in my head. I am a helpless infant trapped in a woman’s body.
I’m more of a child than my child is. I pray every night before I sleep
that I won’t wake.. my family is better off without me. I am pointless
and empty. My existence is pointless. I want it to end. Yet I’ll
probably wake up tomorrow, and go through it all again. I don’t want to
die.. but I’m scared of living – it’s something I wasn’t taught to do. I
hate feeling sorry for myself, but not matter what I try to convince
myself of… it never works. I am already dead…
I have been feeling useless and repressed my feelings for almost 8
months now. My memory has gone to waste, I ask questions to fill awkward
silences but I don’t actually listen for the answers. I force myself to
lay in bed till I fall asleep. I have completely lost my appetite and
my sex drive. I do not have the courage to kill myself because of the
guilt I would give my family. I constantly hope for something fatal to
happen to me as long as it wasn’t my fault.
My heart hurts. I hate myself because I am the most selfish person
in existence. Whenever I say something as the words leave my mouth I am
wishing I hadn
I always felt inferior, quick to criticize myself, although I know I
am smart, but that does not makes a difference.
I am too sensitive to pain upon me or any other creature, the concept of
torture crushes my heart and drive me to sadness and anger.
I feel life is just a stupid chemical whom try to copy itself, very
insignificant and absurd.
At age of 33, I started taking medication, things got little bit better,
now I have mood swings instead of constant sadness..
The only hope is I know someday it will all end.
Suddenly losing all your physical power – even holding a pencil is
difficult, or holding your head up. An acute need to rest.
Not being able to breathe – having to walk out of meetings and
classes to just sit down and concentrate on breathing properly.
Suicidal ideation – not necessarily being suicidal, but as you walk
every rooftop you see is a potential jump, every car that rushes past
you is a violent way out, each bottle of pills you see gives a mental
image of an overdose, sharp objects make your skin crawl and so on…
You’re not really considering it for real, but the thoughts repeat
themselves in your head, and everything is a trigger. You’re more aware
of death than ever before.
I just feel so worthless. My husband doesn’t “believe in” depression
and thinks I’m being lazy and using it for an excuse. Maybe he’s right.
I just can’t seem to sync up with the rest of the world…I’m five steps
behind. Depression is the most selfish disease, but then you feel guilty
all the time, then you hate yourself, then feel depressed again, then
guilt….it just goes on and on. I just want to go to sleep and never wake
up.
I’ve spent countless hours searching to find out what’s wrong with
me and all I ever found were general symptoms of depression and anxiety.
Tonight I stumbled upon this site and found many people who feel the
same way I do. I am so miserable and at times I get so frustrated that I
want to do something bad because maybe if I suffer consequences then
that will reassure me that I’m real. This site has given me a glimmer of
hope in that I’m not the only one like this and so there has to be a
way to treat these feelings of insanity.
For the first time in my life i feel lost, like i really don’t know
who i am , sometimes i think about commiting suicide , and what makes it
worse is as soon as i start thinking about suicide i feel even worse
for feeling like this in the first place, i used to think i was a strong
person but i give up, everywhere i go there sees to be just something
blocking my way. i just dont know what to do
It always comes back at random times. There’s no escaping that. Some
people aren’t meant to be happy. We are examples of these people. There
will be times when we are happy, but it will always come back one way
or another, it just takes something to trigger it off.
It feels like a living hell to be blunt. I cannot remember a single
day in my 40 plus years that I have not wanted to die, hated myself,
resented God and my parents for my existence. I wish I never was because
then there would be no pain, no suffering and no remorse. Even as I
write this down I want to die and wish I had the guts to do it myself.
Life is suffering, misery, pain without hope. The only guarantee in life
for me is that i will suffer again and again until I finally sleep for
the last time. The only hope for me in life is looking forward to the
day I don’t wake up above ground.
I’ve just realized that I’m depressed and my story is much like some
people that have posted here. Daily life has no real meaning, joyful
moments are fleeting, the purpose is gone in my life and I want it back
so badly. I do still smile and laugh from time to time, but the
heaviness sets back in quickly. After reading some of these posts I
realize that I’m not alone and that I really am depressed. I questioned
it for so long since I still was able to smile. It’s been holding me
back and I’m so sick of it. Thank you all for helping me realize that
I’m depressed and for now being able to accept it and treat it.
-James
I am 13 years old, my life was a mess, but i knew that deep deep
deep a million times deep inside i didnt WANT
to die, i have learnt that people do suicide beacuse it feels like it
would take off alot of relif, it dosn’t. Because when you are dead, what
is there to feel, nothing, so you wouldnt feel relif, would you? if i
put barrier across your shoulders with weights on the end, and i kept
piling the weights up, you would still try and stand-up, you wouldnt fal
down on the ground, because it would stii hurt you, because there would
be nomore hope,and no more Hope hurts. Would we be here if there was no
reason 2 be? i think not. and i beleive that if a 13 year old can keep
going, you can.
Sincerely,
Kate.
P.s if you managed have read this far and managed to stay alive for this
time, that means there must be some hope, and now that you have managed
to read this and not do anything stupig, treat yourself, you deserve,
and i should know… : )
It helps to read these comments posted. I just recently admitted to
my spouse that I am depressed. I have struggled with it since I was a
child, but have not had the courage to ask for help. There is just so
much baggage in me that I can’t drop or don’t know how. so many mistakes
that cannot be undone. I always feel like an outsider. Like everyone
else has it all figured out. I want to be happy and live a long life,
but I get knocked down by these thoughts in my head when I least expect
it. Why does it have to be so much work to want to live a happy life?
I don’t know if this is part of depression,but i’ve been crying a
lot for months.I feel like a hypocrite and a disgusting person most of
the time.There is guilt for not helping out the people that i care for
but i just didn’t lift a finger to help.So alone,even when there are so
many who care about me.Dreams feel unrealistic and untouchable.I’m only
aware that i’m growing old.Future feels bleak.Familiar and foreign
places scare me.Routines are boring,relationships fail.everything is so
boring.
I feel powerless to save my livelihood, my marriage and my
happiness. I feel frozen with indecision and procrastination. I
haven’t done a lick of real work for several months and that makes it
worse. My spouse hates me. I hate myself.
I just don’t want to be here anymore. I am tired- I am beyond
tired. Life has no joy- life is a chore. Everyone wants a piece of me.
I give and give and it is never enough. There is so little left to
give- I have nothing left.
Would I be missed? Perhaps for what I do for people I will be
missed- but not me. I am not loved- I am needed- I am used. I am the
person who cleans up everyone’s mess. My sacrifices help fix the bad
decisions of others. No one hears my cry for help- no one wants to
listen. I only have meaning when I deliver- no one offers a helping
hand when I am tired. They see I am tired- I tell them I am tired- yet
they ask for more- and I am trained to give …. until it is all gone-
including my spirit- my being- my life.
I’m going through the anger stage. To all the ‘normal’ people out
there who are blessed with not waking up each morning trying to figure
out new ways to avoid eye contact with the mirror in the bathroom: I am
depressed. I am SORRY if this makes you feel
slightly ‘uncomfortable’ but hey, SUCK IT UP!
I would give my left foot and every dollar in the bank if the worst
thing i felt in a day was ‘uncomfortable’!
Life is not easy to live , if you have people around you who make
you feel as if you are an outsider or something , life is not easy when
sincerest of your friends turn away from you at the time of need ,My
life is like that , i am afraid how long will i be able to last with
this one
I dont understand how sad i feel all the time
its been four months and its starting to make me go loopy in the head!
and want to do stupid things which could hurt me and the family!
Tantrums were always my thing and that was how i expressed my emotion!
The reason i have noticed a change in my self is because all my
emotion is coming out with alot of tears!
I cant begin to explain all the thoughts running through my head!
and im avoiding everyday life! which means im failing school running
behind in my dancing! and never satisfied to work at all! and on the
weekends i just get incredibly smashed! and i can tell you this much
alcohol is not the key answer to feeling better!
It makes you more depressed and not happy with your self at all!
im still going through all the emotion nowww but writing it up feels
like im letting it all out!!
I will be doing this more often!
It takes timee!
What you all say is true. I too also understand the pain of
depression. I have attempted suicide at least 5 times in my life i am 22
years old and i already feel dead. No matter how i tell myself i wanna
be happy i just cant find it regardless of how hard i try everything
fails that i try i cant even keep a relationship going without that
failing too. i am dying inside and eventually it will become a reality
for me. i dont know if i can fights this anymore. i wish i had a sign
but i dont know where to find it. i dont know if ill ever find it. im
scared because i dont know if ill ever escape
It’s like circling the drain and waiting for the end to finally come
as you try to pull yourself away from that awfull abyss that represents
the end of all that you know and cherish while holding on to hope and
determination with the expectation that one day you will finally see
that light on the horizon and mount that strong white horse and ride off
into the sunset with the love of your life at your side and the wind in
your hair. It is a dream unfulfilled, love unrequited, and hopes
dashed on the rocky shoreline of your life that spurs you on to another
day of challenges and loss as you cirle the drain and wait for the end
to finally come as you try to pull youself away from . . . . . and on
and on it goes until the repetition of life can no longer be borne and
you wait for the end to finally come as death encircles you and takes
you away from all this madness that we call life.
All I know is that I want the pain to end. I don’t want to live like
this.
I felt like I couldn’t escape from depression. Nothing in my life
could register any positive emotion. Everything just made me feel worse.
I felt like I didn’t have the energy to do anything. i was frustrated
with the people and the world around me. I felt like I had no true
friends and nobody really understood me. It was like i was in a deep
dark hole and I couldn’t find any way out.
I almost committed suicide but I had a sort of revelation about my life
and things got better from there.
I came accross this quote, that was something like “anyone can die but
it takes a bigger person live”
or something
I don’t think that was quite right
but that was the jist of it
My friend got cancer and i was jealous of him and wish i would
become sick and die because i am to scared to kill myself, my life is so
boring, nobody likes me, nobody calls me anymore, i have no dreams for
my future i just want to die
I crawl forward,
all my effort,
knee over knee my neck,
twisted to see the fog,
and the beyond drowned,
help me through the thin veil,
I want to love again,
I want to want again,
my legs strengthen,
the sky briefly blooms blue,
hands leave the dirty ground behind,
fresh air slides sexy into my lungs,
something invisible hacks at my shoulders,
I stumble,
palms pressed into the gravel once more,
knees dirty,
all my effort
For me its like it will never go away. Some days its okay others it
is very bad. i dont want it to be this way but it is. It hurts me alot
because my 6 yr old sees me i know he is a huge reason to not feel like
this but i do and i cannot help it. Most of the time i want my life to
just end.
I am a Zombie. I breathe, sleep, eat & shit…but that doesn’t
make me “alive”….I am no more alive than a houseplant. I have even lost
the ability to cry or feel anything! I’m always exhausted…no matter
how much I sleep! That’s why I’m an insomniac!
Suicidal thoughts: I tried to kill myself once a decade ago…I came
pretty close! I rented a motel room; got drunk; got naked on the bed
and placed a grocery bag over my head to try to suffocate myself! I
thought the liquor would help make it easier…not so! The pain of lack
of oxygen was too much too bear…even for 3minutes! So I tore a hole for
my mouth…to breathe…damnit…I was soo close to PEACE!
Why i failed? Because I decided not to handcuff myself(yes. I brough
handcuffs because I knew I would “wuss” out…which i did). Before I tried
to kill myself…I wrote a few letters to my family to apologize and to
assure them that it wasn’t their fault…but my own. I was a flawed
person…and I felt like the Midas touch king…except everything I touched
turned to shit!-Zombie
I am plagued with relentless thoughts of death. Not of dying but of
the reality, the nothingness of death to which we are all headed. I
can’t wrap my head around the idea of that “nothingness” and as I try, I
begin living it. The constant thought that nothing matters because
everything ends and I even start wondering what my reality is, maybe my
life is just imaginary, an illusion, how can I be “something” now and
then be “nothing” forever after. I can’t make sense of my existence even
though I go through the motions interacting with others. Are they
figments of my imagination, or am I a figment of someone else’s
imagination. It is a desperate and exhausting struggle, trying to make
my way through another day.
I wake up in the morning scared. scared because I know the negative
thoughts are about to hit me. And they do, in seconds. I worry ALL day, i have a combination or anxiety and
depression, one builds on the other. I worry that I don’t love my
girlfriend, when I look at her I don’t feel anything, but I dont feel
anything when i look at anything I used to love. My world feels
literally small and dark, I can’t think clearly into the future, I just
don’t know anything. I have moments of clarity where I smile and laugh
when i think about my girlfriend and then all the worry just comes
straight back. It sounds petty but i can’t control it at all. Im so
scared. this site helped me alot. I’m soooo lonely, every day. I can’t
eat, physically sick with worry. I need someone to tell me I’ll get
through it!
my terrible depression has lasted for one year..I lost myself, i
lost focus, i cried nonstop day and night -24/7..nothing made me happy, i
was hopeless in life, i felt guilty about everything, i lost the sense
of life, every night i had nightmares, i could not sleep, i could not
concentrate on anything, my memory was really slow, i’ve started to
avoid people and lock myself in the closet, i tried to make something
and believe again in life, but Nothing helped me, i felt i was totally
destroyed, i felt that i don’t belong to this world anymore…i feel much
better now, but
it’s still comes up and goes away.. Depression- i call hell , my
darkness world that covered me through the year, that dropped me from
everything, that almost made me losing my mind..everyday i questioned
myself -what for ? why? and then i got to an emergency room..
nothing is ever ok.
Well, it’s a good thing I saw this site tonight. I was going to
kill myself tonight. In my case, it actually would be a good idea,
because my depression is a huge burden on my entire family and is
hurting my youngest kid (who himself is depressive), and the sooner I am
out of the way, the better for all concerned. But we had a suicide in
our immediate family recently, and I feel that it would be unfair for
the family to suffer another one. It’s not that I matter so much—I
really don’t—but my husband thinks I do, and the kids might notice. I
didn’t want to be like this, but I guess I have an embarrassing mental
illness.
Depression… for me its always why. Why get up? Why eat? Why sleep?
Why type this right now? Why care? Why die? Why live? Why speak? Why
think? Why open my eyes? Why go to work? Why quit my job? Why hope? Why
be happy? Why be depressed? Why love? Why hate? Why excercise? Why
overeat? A desperate search for MEANING.
I have figured some stuff out that helped me I guess.
1. Something only has value if YOU give it
value- That includes LIFE
2.Everything IS pointless- so it doesnt matter if you win or lose. Fail
or succede. So don’t worry about it.
I feel almost every single thing. I just dont want to kill myself.. i
have thought about cutting, but i dont want people to see my pain.
everyone expecially family makes me ANGRY
cause they dont know how i feel… and they try to help and its like they
cant and i yell and them. I cry ALL the time…
sometimes for no reason, and other times just because someone said a
sarcastic joke. I feel horrible all the time, and i just want it to
end.. Im thinking about telling my mom… because i KNOW
i need medicine.
I feel like I am in a strange place, far from home. I have lost most
of my friends by getting irritable. I get bad grades at school because I
can’t focus and I often cry. My head is blocked up with other peoples
emotions. I can’t sleep anymore . Im only 13 and I have tried to kill
myself 3 times. People call me emo because I cut my wrists
Every morning is very difficult. I am just happy in bed without
breakfast,lunch, dinner and shower.
I don’t have energy to do anything. Going toilet to pee requires
alot of effort.
I have had anxiety attacks and been going through spouts of
depression for about 2 years, I never really grieved the loss of my
father 6 years ago i think … but what i feel when i speak to people is
high heart beat, anxious thoughts and the list goes on. I’ve been with
my partner for 5 years, and we’re engaged – this anxiety/depression has
made me doubt my love for him so many times, but i always end up pulling
myself through because i DO love him … he is the most amazing person
and everything i could ask for plus MORE … if
anyone has any advice for me i would really appreciate it. x
I am writing because I have dealt with anxiety,panic attacks and
depression off and on for 6 years. Over the past 6 weeks, I have dealt
with depression again. I am taking meds but not really taking enough
(according to my doctor), being that I am taking a small dosage of meds
due to my sensitivity to meds. It’s like I am stuck—can’t take more
because of my chemistry, and this small dosage is not enough. I wake up
and can feel the instant sadness, the non-motivation, the fatigue, the
irritable bowel syndrome, the nausea. It hurts so bad. It feels like a
disease in my body. I have had many of many tests done over the years
and there is nothing wrong other than that I have anxiety and
depression. This really hurts and I wouldn’t wish this on anyone. I want
to feel better so bad, but trusting God that I will real soon.
Wow. Yeah I’ve been through all this before. I’d like to shed some
light with knowledge obtained through my own experience. To the people
who can’t get enough sleep… it works kind of like this, the more you
sleep the more tired you are. The less you sleep, the less sleep you
begin to need (although less than 5 hours a night isn’t healthy.)
Anti-depressants saved my life at some point. Although finding which one
is right for you is a hell within itself. It takes weeks for the
medication to fully work, and if it’s the wrong one it makes you feel
worse off than before. Then you can’t just stop taking it, you have to
wean yourself off, and then start the whole process again with ANOTHER med. It can suck, but it’s so worth it to
find something that makes you feel better. To the rest of you people,
despite the fact that I learned this tidbit through years of drug
addiction, I still have one wonderful, beautiful, magical little word
for you all… XANAX.
I truly hope those of you who are TRULY
Suicidal/Depressed will go “Out There” and get help,or find help.
But,for those of us who have dealt with this since “Birth”…and have
tried Soo many many different meds/treatments,on and on…..Ohh,not
including the MULTITUDES of Surgeries to deal
w/the CHRONIC Pain.
I wish y’all Luck.
I am a “Back Slider”,so I know where I will be going.Crying shame of it
is. I will end up in the same place as the various perverts who molested
me as a child(Sodomy)and abused me as a young adult.
PLEASE y’all go “Out There” and get help while
you still can.
Y’all be good,
Morgle B. Snurd
i feel jealous every time someone i know dies ,i always wish it was
me i just want this life over
I was so glad to come across this site.
I was diagnosed by my doctor with ‘mild’ depression a year ago, and I
thought it was all connected with a crappy work situation I was in. I’m
now out of that and feel worse than ever! My sex life with my wife has
become almost non-existent because my sex-drive disappeared, and I’ve
been wondering lately if I even still loved her and wanted to be with
her anymore. This site hasn’t made those feelings go away, but helped
put some perspective on them.
I couldn’t describe how I felt until I saw this site, I do feel like I’m
drowning, I constantly have that feeling of impending doom. i don’t
know what to do….
Depression feels like a blob of goo that moves when one moves and
the blob of goo is what the depression does to you
Everything is overwhelming. A crumb on the floor makes you curl up
in a fetal position and cry when you know that all you have to do is get
out the broom and sweep…and that is just too much…you think of how many
times in your life you will have to sweep and the immediate, single
instance becomes insurmountable
My depression feels like I am slowly drowning. I can’t concentrate,
can’t go to sleep at night and can’t wake up in the morning, I’m
forgetting things, nothing makes me happy and everything irritates me. I
feel I don’t love my boyfriend anymore and I don’t know if it’s the
depression or how I really feel. I feel that I should be happy because I
have a job, home, things, etc. but that makes me feel worse because I’m
not happy. I worry constantly about everything. I work and work and
work, never getting a vacation or rest and I still can’t afford my
bills. What’s this all for? I want to go to sleep and never wake up
again.
i am young n feal like my life should end now n not haft 2 deal with
all this mizory. i jump bfs a lot cuz i never feal like i love any 1.
My depression feels like its eating away at me. I feel as if nothing
I could ever do would ever bring me happiness. I feel as if the point
of being here is no point at all. Its feels as if we die and achieve
nothing we waste our time here for nothing. People try to tell me
everything will be okay but I feel as if I don’t understand. My head it
hurts and my guts it aches. I feel lost and I don’t know where im going.
It has got to the point where I don’t remember me or who I use to be.
Im not happy with who I am or where I at. i feel as if all I ever will
achieve is just a number on a statsitc chart.
for the past month i have been crying all the time or shouting at my
family for nothing i feel like iam in a long dark tunnel with no light
at the end i sat and looked at a razer for an hour just thinking that i
could make it all go away and i wouldnt have to worry any more i have
not been to a doctor but does anyone think i may be suffering from
depression i dont know bcause i also suffer from sleep apena and they
have simerler simtoms
it started raining when i was sixteen, a cold drizzle that took all
the colour out of the world; under the weight of that rain i literally
sank to my knees; its been cold and damp ever since; prozac helps a
little, the others have side effects that outweigh the benefit; the
black clouds are always there, the day is dull, the night full of panic
and alarm; its been raining now for nearly fifty years.i turn to face
the rain and the shadows shift around me, the howling wind inside me
still, the misery an underground spring welling up; its so unfair.
When I am depressed everything feels flat. The trees which usually
give me a sense of pleasure and wonder are ugly. I feel guilty about
neglecting the housework and slacking at work or not interacting with my
family. Everything is intense effort, if it gets done at all. I don’t
get pleasure from anything and I get very, very angry very quickly, and
then it is back to flat, but at least it’s something. Things pass me by.
I read a paragraph and realize I had no idea what I had just read.
Thoughts I can’t push away come to my mind of bad things happening that
are outside of my control. It is all only made worse by knowing that it
is temporary but I can’t find the energy to fix it.
I just feel alone. There are four other people that live in my house
and I still feel like I don’t belong. I have a boyfriend and he’s
always upset with me for being “sad all the time” like he says. I’ve
been unemployed for the past eight months and I feel like there’s no way
to escape my financial, emotional and mental strains other then death.
I’m always thinking of other people and myself dying in horrible ways. I
used to like to dress up and hang out with friends but I’ve lost touch
with all of them since I moved. They don’t need to see me this way
anyway. I wish I could kill myself but it’d hurt my family too much. All
of my relationships are fading. I’ve begged, pleaded, threatened and
yelled at God to take me. I believe my time is coming. I hope I’m right.
I lost my son nearly 15 years ago and my wife never let it go. I
felt like I got past it and things were looking up. Then my wife
commited suicide and left me to take care of our daughter alone. I’ve
lost my job and any happy thoughts I used to have. I keep up appearances
for the sake of my daughter and have never told her how her mother
really died. I’m never happy, I don’t want to do anything, I don’t even
want to sleep. I’m certain things will always be bad because everytime
things start to make a turn for the better something else happens. I
want to die but I know if I do it will destroy my daughter and I can’t
do that to her. She is the only thing that keeps me going.
A few years ago, a colleague asked me “What does it feel like?” as
we walked across campus. I told him “It feels like I’m trying to move my
feet through molasses or something viscous, with heavy weights attached
to me… while my hand is being crushed in a handpress.” It hurts and I
can’t make any progress.
“That’s descriptive…” he said.
“Yeah…” was my response.
I have been through this before and i have to say that it does go
away. For me it lasts months at a times and it is the most misrable
feeling anyone could possably go through. I would not wish this on
anyone. I’m currently going through it again and i feel like there will
be no ending this time, but we have to be patient because it may feel
that it’ll never go away but it will i promise. Praying and supportive
family and spouse is helpful and I know it’s hard but patience. To
anyone who wants to or have tried to take there life PLEASE
DONT. Pray and ask Jesus to take this pain
away. He dosen’t hand us anything we cant handle or eventually shake.
Good Luck to everyone and God Bless.
I cried when I read this. I didn’t think I was depressed, but that
was before I realized two-thirds of this list applied to me.
Well it aways feels like this is the end of the world. Even if there
is a ray of hope one don’t want to take it as we feel that there is
nothing but darkness in your life.
Some natural anxiety remedies to look into are St.John’s Wort, SAMe, L-Theanine, and Tryptophan. There’s also
cognitive behavioral therapy (CBT) and
programs like Panic Away and The Linden Method, to name a few. Hope this
helps!
I have/had depression. I often ask myself sometimes why and what
happened to me. And I have thoughts of suicide yet I know it’s wrong of
doing so. At the same time, I’m also trying to seek for help. But it’s
also so hard for me to seek for help as well. I also think about how
much I missed certain precious times in my life until now I sometimes
don’t know who I am anymore or what my life is. I often don’t like
myself at times. I receieve negative comments from even those I love.
And certain past issues has left a scar in my heart that never seems to
heal. I feel like dying but yet some part of me can’t. I don’t know
where to go sometimes. I feel compltely lost. I hate the fact that when
I’m depressed it hurts the ones I love who care about me. And the ones
who need me. And that HURTS.
I’m having more days of feeling like this and it really affects my
family the most, my wife has left me and I struggle to keep
communicating with my two kids who still live with me. At work I seem to
be able to get through the day but when I get home it hits me hard. I
love my family and have no desire for anything or anybody and have had
thoughts of ending this struggle. I wish I could enjoy life again. I
feel so alone and so tired. G
I sleep for long periods of time. I wake up happy, energetic and
excited because I tell myself it will be a new day. Then I feel nothing.
I could be talking to a friend, and then during a funny conversation I
will suddenly feel dread, anxiety, and not really sure of why. Usually
around 1-2 in the afternoon, feelings of anxiety pummel my body, and
then the rest of the day is left with me walking around feeling numb and
my brain trying to desperatly find a reason for why I feel this way. I
usually take it out on my boyfriend, always dreading irrationally that
he will do something to me to make me angry.
I try to hide it from him, I try to hide it from my friends and family,
but they know. They know my depression is getting worse. I need help.
But I don’t know what to do. I feel lost and the feelings dont go away.
Depression…that’s been my life’s journey. A journey no one should
even have to be on. I’ve tried the path of drugs which only gave me
every side affect plus some. I’ve tried every type of doctor,
non-traditional help, everything. I then searched through every
religion on this earth to find a better path that might lead me to a
little peace. Nothing helped ever – nothing. I live in darkness, while
the world is spinning around me. There doesn’t seem to be any sense to
anything – no purpose in anything – no reason for anything. What was
all of this for? The source that created all of this….for what purpose?
There is so much suffering in the world. Not only us with depression,
but all types of suffering. I wish I had a magic wand for all of you
out there – I want all of us to end this journey to nowhere. I feel
like I’m addicted to it – but there’s no help. I too don’t want
tomorrow to come. I’m tired of this long long journey. This must be
hell.
My real brother is not felling well, since last 2wks, I spend more
then 10days around the ICU, around him.
Now he is bit batter, we are sure he will come out from this situation.
but after coming back from the hospital (staying in the different
country with my wife & sweet daughter) felling very low, just
thinking about him (my brother – 41ys old) & my self as life is
quite unsartain..
Felling very low, sleepy
This song is how I feel
Metallica Fade to Black
Life it seems will fade away
Drifting further every day
Getting lost within myself
Nothing matters, no one else
I have lost the will to live
Simply nothing more to give
There is nothing more for me
Need the end to set me free
Things not what they used to be
Missing one inside of me
Deathly lost, this can’t be real
Cannot stand this hell I feel
Emptiness is filling me
To the point of agony
Growing darkness taking dawn
I was me but now he’s gone
No one but me can save myself
But it’s too late
Now I can’t think
Think why I should even try
Yesterday seems as though
It never existed
Death greets me warm
Now I will just say goodbye
i dont know if im trippin or is this real , but all these symptohmps
been going on know for months , dont know how to deal with my self any
more and besides that my boyfriend wanna leave me to and it just hits me
sooo hard ….really dont know wich step to take i feel so hopeless
,useless dont know how to deal with that situation …that my bf gone
leave ….i really dont know what is going to happen when he is gone
!!!!!!! i need his help and support to make things better again for me
in live …….plz can someone give me a good advice to make the first step
into a better part of my life ,.thx
In the list above, two things struck me. One was that it is hard to
hold a conversation. This is so true. I can’t seem to enjoy glib
small talk. I don’t want to do glib small talk. Most of the time I
just want to avoid people.
The other thing that struck me is that it feels like there is a glass
wall between myself and the rest of the world. I’ve gotten to the point
where I know that no one will really know me. No one really wants to
know me. They want to know a facsimili of me, but not me. I’ve learned
to keep myself away from people because I will eventually get rejected.
People will only tolerate so much of me before they back away.
And the irony in all these miles of walls that protect me; I am lonely.
But I don’t want to hurt people and I feel like I always do.
Yea. Um. I rlly don’t know how to go about doing this.
I guess u would consider me depressed. Its hard for me to pull Cs n
school. My family just bombards me with crap day in and day out. I have
tried to commit suicide. Its not that I failed or messed up at trying
it, its just tht I lost the will to move the knife up. I cut myself
every once n awhile. ‘Bleed just to know ur still alive’ or whatever tht
is. I rlly don’t want to b happy. Or at least I don’t think I do. I’m
scared to find out what would happen if I wasn’t depressed. Who would I
be? What would I be? I guess I’ve just gotten so used to being this way,
I don’t think I could go another.
i have trouble getting out of bed. i feel pesimistic like the days
gonna be a bad one. i’m always thinking about suicide. i used to cut my
wrists, drink vodka, and just lie dorment and unfeeling. I’m only 14 and
i’m tired of people always trying to pin it on puberty and saying its a
phase or because i’m growing up. i dont even know anymore if i am.
every day seems like a week every week a month and every month a year.
sometimes i just want all this to end. i have good friends and family
that are keeping me in the fight. this message i’m just using as a
release. things havn’t gotten better but they will soon i hope… i know
god can help me though. maybe this message will be read by him and he’ll
help me. thanx for letting me release these emotions. maybe i’ll have a
good day today.
I agree with most of these posts… I feel lost and in such deep
seeded pain that I can’t seem to return from. Years of meth abuse has
destroyed my ability to feel happy, safe or able to cope with life. The
only peace I get is when I sleep. I pray for the morning not to come for
I will have to face myself and my pain for another day. I do not have
the guts (yet) to kill myself but I want to so badly. I have lost my
job, my home and my happiness.
The other day I was feeling really low, and hopeless. There are so
many reasons which contribute to these feelings. After reading through
these articles, I don’t need to share my story, but I do need to say
that I understand. I am a Christian, which in ways, makes me feel even
more guilt for my feelings of depression and thoughts of hopelessness.
These feelings, however, are very real and very much human. They are
common to us all, no matter who you are. Maybe they vary in degrees and
intensity, but they are still common. I have prayed for all of you, and
then I went to my churches web site.
My 11 year old was thinking of suicide. She grabbed a handful of my
pain meds. She even laid out the dress she wanted to be burried in and
left her will. This website helps me understand her emotions a lot
more. We have an apt tomorrow with her therapist.
I hate myself. I see myself as a worthless burden on my family, my
boyfriend, and the world in general. I would like nothing better than to
die suddenly in some accident so they don’t have to live with the pain
of my suicide. Like others have said, I merely exist. I have nothing
really to “be sad” about, and that’s what makes it worse. The guilt is
overwhelming. The only thin rays of light in my darkness are my cat and
my boyfriend, and even with them it feels off. Nothing feels good. I
want to die, but I’m too much of a coward to end it.
I’ve always hated myself and felt alone like im in a dark corner and
every1 just walks by and don’t notice me. 20 of the 23 above things
about depression apply to me is it possible that i suffer from
depression?
I feel like im going crazy that im going to wake up one day and be a
vegetable. My head doesnt work like it used to, and i feel no emotion
towards anything. I laugh but not a real laugh i smile but not an actual
smile. I want to sleep allday beacuse i dont think im capable of doing
anything else, when Really i want to go to normal when i worked and had
fun with my friends and family when i laughed and planned for my future.
But now it feels like what future you cant even get off the floor. I
feel like im brain deaad and theres no way to fix it. So whats the point
of going on?
Yesterday I took a sleeping bag, several pillows and towels into the
darkest room in our home. I sealed as much light out of as I could. I
covered my eyes with the remaining towel and it was as close as I could
come to feeling safe. I’m not sure of what I felt safe from or why I
needed to lay on a tile floor at 10:00 in the morning to get any feeling
of comfort. Depression grips my soul, mind and heart and only relents
when it tires of me…but I know it will be back, it always is. Like so
many others, I too do not find joy in the things I once did.
I have read many of your posts and I am sorry for your suffering.
Many of you have said that life is just not worth living. I hope you
are getting help through therapy, medication, spiritual counseling, etc.
I was searching about depression and found this site. I felt
depressed today and have days where all I want to do is watch TV, sleep,
and be a couch potato and then I feel guilty for doing that. I can
relate to many of the symptoms of lethargy and lonliness. I am married
with a son, but can still relate to feelings of lonliness. I know that
when I am helping or serving other people I feel better. When I am by
myself is when I feel the worst. I do believe in Jesus and want to make
it to Heaven one day to live forever. I won’t take my own life for any
reason but sometimes life can feel hopeless when you are surrounded by
negativity. Try to do things that make you feel better instead of
worse. I will keep all of you in my prayers.
There is only one word to sum up my feeling…
worthless
I hate myself, plain and simple. I’ll look at a friend, or a
stranger, or anyone and think, “Why are they so happy?“I cant talk to
people anymore and I’ve become bitter and full of spite about just
everything. I can’t look at children anymore without becoming pissed off
while thinking about how happy I was as a kid. Everything seems
unhappy, and even in situations where I should be ecstatic, the only
thing I can think is, “This is a good thing.“No emotions anymore. I wish
I could cry or something…
Well I’m about to go see my phiciatrist, but alot of what yall are
saying is kindof how i feel,, it’s kind of like that song The Unamed
FeelingBy; Metallica, just don’t give up,, i feel like giving up but i’m
not!
depression is a huge monster that has gobbled me up and I am inside
its belly, and I cannot scratch my way out, and sometimes it will puke
me out, and I think I am free, and I start to run down the sidewalk, I
start to skip and to sing, and I am almost at the park, my hand is
opening the gate, the other children are on the other side playing with
their families, and just as I am about to step through the gate, the
giant monster grabs my hem and drags me back down his belly, and I
scream and scream and say, NO!! I want to play with the children, I
don
It was the dreams. The multitude of negative, vivid dreams that left
me waking up feeling mentally and physically exhausted and afraid of
what the day was going to bring me.
Getting out of bed was a struggle, not helped at all by my sore
limbs and drained mind. Then I would walk miserably into the kitchen,
unable to smile or talk. A hot coffee mug in my hands was the sole
simple pleasure that helped me through the morning.
I contemplated suicide every day. My waking hours were tinted with
gray. I didn’t feel like myself anymore. I kept imagining people hating
me, being angry at me, and I would wonder whether I was worth liking.
Anxiety was the merciless, cruel ruler of my mind. Perfectionism
haunted me. I began to fear school, and felt like crying on the morning
of each class day.
i dont know if im depressed, when im with people i can put on a
mask, smile and laugh and forget myself. thats all fine. but the moment i
get home and im alone, it all floods back. the self haterid, like a
grey fog. when i go to bed im tired but i cant sleep because i keep
going over and over things that cause me anxiety, its funny, im most
honest with myself in the moments i feel like im falling into a pit of
dispair because im not blocking it all out.
the most frustrating infuriating thing is the way im constantly
picturing my own suicide. it was distressing at first but now its just a
dull picture in my head and a feeling of hopelessness as i realise that
even the act of taking my own life would make little difference, im
only 1 in 6,000,000,000 and totally alone anyway. noone would care.
i just want to know how to be happy
I just feel soooo alone. I can’t talk to anyone. When I go to the
psiquiatrist I’m unable to explain all that I’m feeling. My family keeps
laughing at me, it seems so as they refuse to believe I’m depressed and
think I’m just a drama queen. I can’t stand them anymore.
I love my boyfriend, but I can tell he’s so tired of me crying with no
reason and my mood changes, tired of me not talking about it. How could I
tell him I want to die?
I isolated myself from friends, closed my facebook account, stopped
checking my emails, if ocassionally my phone rings i don’t answer it. I
just don’t want people to know what’s going on in my life.
You know how you sort of get a sore-troat when holding your tears? I
feel it all day long and can’t wait for the day to end so i can release
them. The pain is so bad I feel like choking and my head hurts
continuosly from the lack of air.
Also, i’m a failure, literally, I’ve failed in every attempt of making
it into a career.
Reading this made my jaw drop, Every little bullet point is what i
go through day to day. I feel abnormal, like everyone else in the world
is blind, and only I am seeing what is wrong with life, only I am
suffering. Misery loves company, ha, it’s true. I like the feeling of
knowing I am not alone. But I don’t wish anyone depression, or to
suffer, I hope soon one day we can find some relief, in something.
I relocated a little over a year ago to be with my boyfriend and
within 3 months had a massive anxiety attack. Ever since I have felt
more or less nothing for my boyfriend and obsess about this every second
of the day. I doubt everything in my life. It’s like I can’t reach him
or feel connected. I am so depressed. I don’t know if the depression
started first or the lack of feelings, it’s so muddled. I don’t want to
break up from him however, I want to be with him.
Does anyone else feel this way?
I’ve been depressed for four years. It started when I started being
emotionally abused, every day, all day, for two years, and it didn’t go
away when the abuse ended. I think I have PTSD
too. I could just be permanently fucked up in every way possible. I’m
going to see a psychiatrist today and I feel incredibly anxious that she
might not give me anti-d and I might feel this way for the rest of my
life. I find this ironic, but not funny enough to laugh. I just cry
instead.
What if you just don’t care about anything. like you don’t care to
live nor die but committing suicide would take to much effort.
would that be depression?
sigh Depression sucks. . .
And a lot of people just tell me that I’m being an angsty teenager and
that my life just really isn’t that bad. But I’m not some whiney little
kid crying over something stupid. I don’t care about anything, I’ve lost
interest in MANY things that I once loved.
I’m always sad, even if something good happens. I’ve never gotten pills
or anything to help, I don’t want anything like that, I just want
happiness. I’m a pretty good writer, and lately, I’ve been writing
things that really disturb me, and I don’t know why. . .I think it’s not
getting over all the many things I’ve lost in life I’m not exactly
sure…
Please, someone, tell me what you think. Maybe I am just some whiney
kid, or do I really need help??
I have slipped into a deep depression since being laid off. I feel
like the world is my enemy, I can’t sleep, I have constant headaches,
and no energy to do anything. I have nothing but free time, yet my house
is always a mess. I’ve started drinking on a regular basis and taking
sleeping pills just to pass out and excape the dreadfull feelings I now
carry around.
I don’t even know how I feel. I just know that everything irritates
me and I want to run from the world. Nothing really matters that did
once have meaning, and so much scares me. I spend most of my time
shaking and stressing about this world, thinking that the only way to
save me is dying. my heart feels heavy most days. I don’t know what to
do anymore, i just wish that life was not like this.
Depression truely feels like hell on earth … I have a good life but
mentally it doesn’t feel as if I do … I feel empty all tge time ….
Winning the lottery wouldn’t help at this point …. Don’t give up tho
stay strong People … Belive in yourselfs and well being…. The storm will
pass overtime .. Good luck to all
HELP!!! I don’t know why I feel this way.
I have a wonderful partner, two step sons, dogs…a great job (that I
currently HATE)…
But I just am in a hole…feel lost…can’t find my way out!
The stress is compounded by tinnitus (ringing in the ears…) The
more stressed I am…the more it rings/buzzs… A vicious circle.
Bad decisions follow one after the other…and now have sold the
family home and everyone will be out in a few weeks and what then? I’ve
destroyed not only my own life but my partners and the kids…
And for what? I’m 50yrs…and feel USELESS…
I am past half way…and could have enjoyed my life but instead have
taken my partner for granted. WHY did he
stay?
I feel guilt, anger…but also unbelieveably tired and just ‘lazy’…
I can’t get motivated at work…and the thought of 10 more yrs here is
too much to handle…
What do I do? Stop the world…I want to get off… The mess I leave
behind…is something I wouldn’t want others to have to clean up though
;-(
I have this feeling like everything lacks meaning, almost as if I
have given too much into my own idea of happiness and contentment. When I
am happy it feels fake. When I am sad it feels exaggerated even when it
is cutting me. I think I am in constant war with myself and my
surroundings but all I want is peace. I hate myself for feeling pain
when no harm is given to me, I feel like puking when I treat others
badly for my own insecurity and obvious narcsism, but it is at times
fully who I am. That is what makes me constantly fantisize it being
over, I don’t know how to be good to people when I am so afraid.
Depression is (I know it’s cheesey) but it is a mask, I feel like hiding
all the time.
well.
1. my first boyfriend cheated on me with my best friend.
2. i gave him another chance and i fell in love with him, he said he
loved me too (LIE)
and then i dumped he for the millionth time which never seemed to bug
him but this time he never came back, after he went out with all of my
closet friends.
3. my mom abuses me.
4. my friends dont care about me at all.
5. im not smart, preety, or good at anything.
6. my dad never cared he never even called untill now , but he
doesnn’t care.
7 we never visit family ever.
Iwanttodie.
Finally, it’s all come to a head, I’ve now lost everything that
would have prevented me from killing myself. My 2nd wife recently left
me, I’m unemployed, broke, and suffering from uncontrollable diabetes
just to name a few of life’s precious gifts handed me…
I’ll not stick around to indulge the added emotional blitzkrieg,
torrent of depression and panic that loosing my home and the last sliver
of dignity will bring. Sounds like a great deal of freaking fun, but no
thanks, I’ll pass…
I’ll tie up as many lose ends as possible before I check out. Hate
to be a burden to anyone. Only question now is, would making it look
like an accident be worth the added effort. It’s looking like it would
be.
I wish you all the best, I sincerely do.
I have struggled for years with depression it has destroyed a lot
for me.I have lost all my friends because of it because they didn’t
understand or care.Its like waking up in a prision cell personally. You
feel trapped and alone.You have a hard time doing normal things like
brushing your teeth and concentrating.You look for some kind of relief
but you know the pain will return.Depression is the silent killer and it
destroys plenty of lifes almost mine.But you got to keep going because
it will end I promise like 2pac said“keep ya head up” I hope you guys do
godbless
Life is not always the easiest thing to get through, especially when
your suffering from an illness that people just don’t seem to
understand. It hurts me though to hear of people giving up all hope and
wanting to end there life. As someone who suffers from GAD I know that there is always times when life
feels like it’s just to overwhelming to handle; but in every darkcloud
there is a silver lining. You may not realize it now but we all have a
purpose in this world, whether you believe in a higher power or not.
There is always treatment out there, and though results might be slow
they will come as long as you believe. Please don’t give up hope, there
is always a reason to live and someone who cares. Sometimes you just
have to think about it, love always.
I will not get help. I just keep praying. Asking, at the same time,
if I’m talking to the ceiling. Since I was very little, I thought I
was going to be alone. Nothing told me right out, I simply knew it. I
think about it every day. I will graduate from a good school, become a
successful writer, and visit my family for holidays. And still be
entirely alone. The worst of it is, I’ve told a horrible lie. To my
best friend, my confidant:
She questioned my life plan. I spent half an hour going on about how I
didn’t care if I was alone—just me. Living day to day with no one to
hold my hand because I don’t need it!
But that, you see, is my greatest fear.
I’m 13 years old and i been depressed 4 like 3 years now im tried of
life im tried the way ppl treat me and the way my brother treats me he
treats me like if i were a dog am tried of it it seems that dieing seems
so welcomeing,asureing,and a good feeling i dont know what 2 do if i
should die or not some 1 help me i need help please if some 1 even care
give me some advise before i kill myself and that mite be really soon i
dont no how soon but it mite really soon so some 1 please help me>
I suffer from severe depression and axiety and feel like sometimes i
just want a girl to talk to and hug becuase i feel so alone and sad. I
feel like my social axiety and depression get’s in the way of me being
able to live a normal life. I Feel like i have no more left in my tank
sometimes to go on in life and i just want to stay asleep for the entire
time so that the pain goes away. I suffered from physcotic paranoia,
axiety, and breath taking depression. It has disabled my life and i feel
sometimes nothings gonna get better and i cry and wish i could be the
happy person i once was. The only things that makes me happy and relize
that everythings gonna be okay is god. For the people that have no hope
and want to find an escape, go to god. listen to the christian radio
station known as family radio on f.m. staion. Be sure to listen to it at
8:30 to 10:00 p.m on weekdays and it will change your life. love y’all
Anxiety is what you feel. It flows through you like blood but blood
never hurt. Sleep is the the only answer I have found, it is no wonder
people decide to do it forever.
Depression becomes who you are. You can’t feel or think about
anything but depression. It feels like your in a bubble and all you can
feel is pain and sadness. You can see people and you can see that they
love you but you just can’t feel it. My depression gets so bad that my
legs go numb and I can barely walk. All you feel like doing is crying.
I have all the symptoms you wrote. Please help :’(
I’ve been depressed almost my whole life. I have tried so many
depression and anziety medications, but I can’t seem to stop the
feelings of dying. I have never attempted suicide but i think abou it
most of the time. i see other people as having their lives together
except for me. I feel so alone like i don’t feel connected to this
world.
I feel like everyone sees me as a joke. I worry a lot about work-
about losing my job and not being able to find another one (because if
I’m the big loser I think I am, who would hire me?) I worry that the
people who supposedly care about me just don’t anymore, or if they still
do, they won’t for much longer. I feel slighted by every little
comment. It’s exhausting.
I’m thirteen, almost fourteen now. And I have had depression since I
was ten. I never tried to kill myself, and I don’t want to. But…
sometimes life gets way too hard. But we just gotta pray and hope
someday this life will make sense.
Hey everyone – join the crowd. But listen, it’s not about YOU, it’s about your BRAIN.
Depression is a physiological disease and there is currently NO CURE for it. You’re not as whacked out as you THINK you are. You need to seek help, get on the
right meds, and PRAY for a cure soon. But
don’t pray to God, he can’t help you.
I’ve had this for a while – I’m a 15 year old and when I was 12
experienced loss of both my grandparents and this year I’ve experienced
several abusive relationships which has knocked me about a bit. I’ve
tried to tell my mom but she says “aren’t we all” and it feels terrible
when my friends ask me what’s up – I can’t actually physically explain
it.
Everything I accomplish is without meaning. I feel like I have
created this game that is impossible for me to win. It feels like it is
all my fault that I can not be happy.
I am doing research on this for a project at school. I didnt know
much about it at all. But now that I have read about it… i am sorry for
those who have it.
awe. when i read this it reminds me of my grandmother who used to
have this sympton before she died… she committed suicide. To this day I
am very upset about it, and it happend four years ago. =,(
When I’m depressed and find it hard to make the smallest decisions,
when everything seems hopeless how does one “go get help”? Especially
if you don’t have a family doctor that is sympathetic. It’s takes a lot
of energy to try and get help. Something that depression sucks out of
you.
I just randomly found this site. This describes how I’ve been
feeling all my life. But how do I know I’m depressed? Part of me says I
must be and the other part just says that everyone else is allowing
themselves to live stupid-blind-happy lives as sheep. So I don’t know
what to think. But I think I’ve found someone who really cares about me
and if I keep my behavior up then I’m going to lose that person for
sure. I don’t know how to get help though or where is start. I’m just
glad I found this list cause I felt like I was the only one. The thing
is I never considered depression as an option because the way I feel
doesn’t seem “wrong” like I’m different from everyone and I need
medication. What if I get put on medication and become a fake person,
not being true to how I see the world? The depression described in this
list is definitely nothing like those stupid drug commercials you see on
TV.
It feels as if I’m trapped inside my own mind. Feels as though I’m
looking through a veil at the world. My senses are dulled. My zest for
life has disappeared. Life has eroded away my fervor. I’m tired of
living.
I have always known how things would be, how things would all turn
out for me. I’ve never had high hopes and I know I won’t make anything
of myself. But I do know the one thing that gives me the slightest
satisfaction in life is giving, and I think i might just spend the rest
of my life doing that. At least then maybe I will be remembered for
something.
hey everyone.. well im only 15 and for new years i got very drunk
on whiskey :/ and past out and now im starting to feel the depressing
side of alcohol. i know im to young but life seems to make things wrong
at the moment. Reading these stories has shown me that im not the only
person who has these feelings, an how wrong i am to have judge others.
i know this site is more about alcohol but it mght help for some.. i
used to be happy most of the time and alcohol has all of a sudden
killed it. hope it helps (:
http://www.rcpsych.ac.uk/mentalhealthinfo/problems/alcoholanddrugs/alcoholdepression.aspx
-lucy x
I hurt inside. No, wait, INSIDE inside.
It’s no ache or pain. It’s constant, feels like its eating out my self.
I only lose it when I get some sleep-but it is present again even
before I’m fully awake. The only way I can free the demon is to kill
myself. It is coming to get me.
I feel trapped…
well i’m 17. I know i suffer from depression. it kinda started after
my best friend died when i was 13. from then on i’ve been in depressive
moods. even with my wonderful boyfriend and amazing friends i still
feel sad at times and suicidal even. i was convinced to talk to a
teacher who is getting me help soon. i’m just waiting on a call… my mom
doesnt help me and my step dad just puts me down every chance he gets.
my father is clueless. i’ve cut myself in the past which i regret
everyday. i get panic attacks almost evrytime i cry. but i go to school
putting a fake smile on so no one has to see what i feel,feel what i
do.i’m glad that there are people out there that actualy has felt what
i’m feeling. it makes you start to feel not so alone.
I’m 27 and a sufferer of severe depression. I am lucky that I have a
loving family that tries to understand me. I’m a lawyer and high
achiever, but my condition has always had an enormous impact on my life,
and it’s always there, like a weight that never moves. It breaks my
heart to hear all these stories – people’s bodies and minds ensnared in
so many ways. It’s a beautiful chorus of souls crying into a dark and
infinite night. Remember you are not condemned. Keep testing the
boundaries of your condition and practice patience.
This feeling has been creeping up inside me since my mother tried to
kill herself when i was in 8th grade. I cut myself because it feels
amazing, and calms me down. I cry A LOT and
want to cry about everything. I feel like the loneliest person in the
world, and no one ever cares. I am an only child, and my parents dont
really spend time with me, no one really spends time with me. Ive hated
my life for a while now, and dont know what to do about it. I dont want
help, and i have thought about killing myself, but dont ever know if i
could go through with it. I hate my life now, and i suppose im still
keeping myself alive because i wanna see how things go when i grow up.
The future is the only reason im still here.
I guess everyone (here especially) has had a hard go at life. No
different here. I want to be a good person. I don’t want to lie to be
accepted. I don’t want to hide from the rest of the world. But I do.
Sometimes I just want to pull that trigger. What a beautiful
release? I don’t know. All I know is I am scared. I guess I prefer the
pain of living over the mystery of death.
Masochism?
I wish I had more courage. It seems I am in this state of mind too
often.
Sad case – I have a great husband and a beautiful life (when you
really stop to think about it). But – these moments take hold and I
have, nothing. Sometimes I think I wasn’t meant to be.
But, I’ll be here. Suffering – until the end.
I’m in tears reading these….because each post seems to describe at
least one piece of how i feel when depression sets in. I’m bi-polar
type 2 and have been on my meds, and haven’t had a major depressive
episode in quite awhile. This one is hitting hard. Thank you, all of
you. For knowing how it feels.
YEA HAVE BEEN THROUGH A PERIOD OF MY LIFE WITH DEPRESSION WHICH LASTED ABOUT 5 MONTHS WHEW FELT LIKE FOREVER ANYHOW THINGS ARE NORMAL AN IM REGAINING MY ABILITY TO CARRY ON CONVESATIONS AGAIN!
i feel so invisible! no matter what i do or say i’m invisible!!!
nobody listens to me. my friends tell me to speak louder, but even then
they won’t listen to me. i feel like strangling the next person who tell
me to speak louder. i feel like i’m slowly fading away and while that’s
happening so is the world! nothing seems to really matter anymore. i
just feel so tired and i want to lie down and cry all the time. i wish i
were getting somewhere in life and that there was some color in my
life. everything is grey and monotone. my life isn’t worth living. all i
ever do is sleep and cry.
i have suffered with deep depression twice before and think i am on
the same slippery slope all over again! i was doing so well, four years
free of the weight around my neck and it feels like its coming back.
reading these reminds me of how bad i was and how good ive felt for four
years,im so frightened of how bad it could get again! a new doctor in
two days and just hope he is as helpful as my last one was! i will get
better and i wont let it win !!!!!! trying to convince myself before the
real rot sets in!
Inside a bubble feeling trapped.Looking seeing
nothing.People everywhere,yet feeling alone.
This weight on my shoulder’s getting heavy.If
something doesn’t give.Can I help myself,I don’t even know.It’s in my
body.Even in my sleep. I can’t escape this.I’m a strong minded
person.At least that’s,What I thought.What did, I do to deserve this.Am i
imagining this.Every
day is getting.Harder and harder.Can people see
this.I’m shutting down at a snail’s pace.
Everything is just …….Forcing myself is not
working anymore.Someone talk to me.
I just have trouble going on. Everything my friends or family say in
a joking way hurts. I get so mad sometimes but then I’m just too tired
to do anything. I feel like I can’t do anything. My family don’t help,
they make it worse. My mom hits me and my dad did but I’m lucky now
because he’s in Iraq. Everyone thinks it’s wrong for me to hate him, but
he hates me. He’s told me he does. When I don’t have anyone to help me
through it it just gets worse. Sometimes friends are able to see
somethings wrong but after pushing them away for so long alot of them
don’t care anymore. The way people treat me at school because I dress
different and because I’m albino isn’t fair. When you’re in a world
that’s as judging as ours (and it is despite what people think) just
make it harder. How are people like me supposed to go on in a world
where we have no one to help us.
ITS BEEN NEARLY A YEAR NOW FOR ME,FEEL TOTALLY ISOLATED,NOT SLEEPING RIGHT,NOT EATING,AND NOT TALKING TO ANY ONE. NO ENERGY FEEL ASHAMED OF MY SELF I HAV 3 YOUNG KIDS WHO NEED THERE DAD IT BREAKS MY HEART.FEEL LIKE IV DIED IN SIDE MY BODY,CANT WORK ANY MORE SO EVENTUALLY WILL LOSE OUR FAMILY HOME. NO CONFIDENCE IN ANY THING,CANT BE BOTHERED. THIS IS NOT ME ITS LIKE A CANCER IN SIDE ME EATING IN SIDE MY HEAD.HAV THOUGHT OF SUISIDE A FEW TIMES HAV NOT RULED
IT OUT BECAUSE I DONT FEEL LIKE IM LIVING ANY WAY AND
MY FAMILY DESERVE BETTER.
Im tired. I want to cut and tear myself up.
Everything feels wierd. Scary things are on the verge of happening.
Everythin feels off and not right. I dont enjoy things i used to love,
but i try to do them anyway in the hopes that ill have fun. I’ve tried a
couple antidepressants and they made a huge difference but even though
my treatment is progressing, i feel like im broken and will never feel
better ever again.
I feel like ive been waiting for something to happen in my life and
its never gonna happen and i dont want to be like this forever. i feel
like my friends are better then me and im so scared that i will be like
this forever, its always in the back of my mind. i feel like i dont know
how to feel happy or mad or anything except for sad. i dont know if im
depressed and i want to feel free and have more self esteem. this
frustrates me so much that i think i think to much. thinking too much
makes me break down in tears. i dont know if im depressed but im so
scared that i am. every day i come home from school it feels like im a
fuck up and i will always be.
I used to be a hopeful young woman who dreamt big thoughts and had
lofty ambitions. Now, I am a young woman who wants to get by day-to-day
without feeling so very hopeless or thinking too much about my future
because it hurts too much to keep thinking positive thoughts when my
reality is dour and uninspired. I am angry, ashamed, guilt-ridden and
hurt. I feel I am merely taking up space in this world where I have no
real purpose or value. I know I am an ingrate because I can’t fully
appreciate my life right now, but I feel like an island unto myself,
drifting aimlessly.
its like an overwelming feeling thats indescribable coming from
even the most caring person in the
within your stomach, like your soul is tainted. iv struggled with this
depresson for about 7 years but things got really bad 5 years ago and
ive been avoiding confronting it ever since but now its getting
unbearable. its the pointless hopeless feeling that i cant deal with.
the guilt for feeling this way is soul distroying. i cant remember when i
last felt like a human being.
world cant help me
According to this page, i’ve been depressed since i started high
school.
Before that i felt like nothing mattered and i stopped caring. I’ve been
depressed for 4 years … yay.
It is unrentless – 24/7. It offers you no hope – no bargaining- no
light – only the deep pain that becomes your constant companion. I feel
for all of you so much – life is suppose to be fun and joyous. For some
reason we have not been given that at this time. It is not us but the
depression!!! May we all come out os this together and give us what
others around us have – joy. May God Put a special touch on each of
our lives today.
I am so tired of this – 50 years old and always on the verge of
tears. Med to med to med and no change.
I used to cry and it made me feel better. Then it got worse and I
didn’t have the energy to cry. I didn’t have the energy to talk to
people or even come out of my room. I became testy and started to push
everyone away. My grades never suffered though. My school was the only
thing I could focus on. Getting good grades didn’t bring any joy though,
I didn’t feel like they were an asset to me, just something I had to
do. My physical relationships are nothing now. I have no energy for
those things that I used to so enjoy. It makes me even more depressed
that I can’t please my other half. I feel mean because I din’t want him.
I didn’t realize I was depressed until I started meds. Then I
realized how much I was missing. I’m off meds now but its a constant
battle.
I started feeling better just from a nice talk.
Hi, ive felt” shit” for years…life seems different, dont look
forward, so so low,cry for no reason , no excitment anymore, no feelings
other than doom death ,cant be “arsed “doing anything,..comment 7
[greg] acctually brought a tear to my eye as its 100% the way i
feel…just normal happy everyday things would be a godsend …if this is
life…it aint a good one…oh and my reccurent migraines just top it of!!!
Going to try and dream of nice things …if only. God i pity my familly
living with my crap.
Spot on. Most accurate description of what I’m going through. I’ve
read a lot about this, and this is the only thing I’ve read that’s ever
got it right. Almost scary.
wow i have all these symptoms.. i’ve been having this for 2 years
since i was 16 now i’m 18 i feel sad all the time my life isn’t going
anywhere its just getting worse…I feel like i dont belong i also worry
alot and i cant focus on anything but when i think about death
everything seems so much better…I’m an outcast i’m not confident in
myself at all i feel uncomfortable when i’m around people like i dont
know how to communicate with people so i just want to be alone most of
the time. I wish everyday for something bad to happen to me but nothing
i’m still here…I always think whats the point why am i still living?MY LIFE IS POINTLESS…these
past 18 years have been a waste
sometimes i feel trapped sometimes i feel like i don’t belong i
don’t know anymore i really don’t think i ever knew i have friends but i
feel alown i have a really great boyfriend but it doesn’t help my
emoticons are all off its confusing…. i always fell like my hole life is
one big dream like it doesn’t exist…….
All that and add panic attacks: a sense of relief after 3 hours
crying for who knows what, and then add a headache the rest of the day. I
tried suicide last night, not disclosing details, but the sense of
alarm of the body for the lack of oxygen tore it all up. At least the
bunch of sedatives I took gave me 4 hours of sleep at night, and that’s
always welcome in my case.
New meds, I’ll give em 6 weeks, if they don’t work I’m afraid I’ll
shoot myself. (If only i had a gun! I live in Mexico and for a normal
legal person getting a gun is harder than getting uranium)
I have been depressed forever
My persona has long since been reconciled with an all consuming and
pervasive darkness. It’s now part of me; the rejected Multiverse, the
inertia, the absence of energy and desire. No drugs nor any amount of
group therapy can help obviate the truth that humanity’s existence is
mere stardust. This is me. This is my life. Exist or die. That’s the
choice. Nothing more meaningful than that!
A lot of the time i dont care what people think of me. I’m just an
empty shell that no one can understand. Life carrys no meaning. I just
don’t care anymore. Sometimes I cry until I can’t breathe any more Other
times I can’t cry, I just get angry. The tears wont come. I get
emotional easily now. I have nightmares every week. I am so tired. I let
people walk on me like a doormat. I put up a mask, but my friends
notice something is up.
Ive had all of that for 3years or so and cut myself on occasion
where No one can see it. But I do get excited sometimes like when
someone invites me over though I ussualy end up declineing. I used to
make really good grades in school and now I can’t even put my self to
doing simple homework assignments. I can’t write worth a shit anymore
like I can’t even think of words in English to put in an essay and I
can’t remember anything or even speak correctly anymore. I’m not doing
any drugs that’s not my problem. I hate school, I sit by myself in the
corner and I’m super self consceince about any little thing I do. I feel
like I’m that girl everyone looks at and says thinks ew look wt the cat
dragged in. I love to sing and think I’m truley quite good but no one
has herd me sing before. I just want the pain to go away.
I can’t feel happiness anymore. I don’t look forward to anything
anymore. I can’t bear to be around people because I feel like my misery
will just bring everyone around me down.
I feel like I’m inadequate at everything. Its as if life is too much
trouble now. I can’t help to obsess over all of the mistakes I made. I
have trouble putting my feelings into words and I can never describe
things very well, I’m even having a lot of trouble writing this.
Whenever it seems like things are turning out well, things become bad
again. I haven’t kept romantic feelings for anyone for the past 4 years,
and I avoid situations like that because it seems as if it will never
end up well. I have only kept one friendship for more than a year. What
is the point of life if most things just end up being a disappointment?
THERE COMES A POINT EVERYDAY WHEN I REALIZE WHERE I AM. BUT EVERYDAY,IM IN A DIFFERENT
PLACE. ITS NEVER A PLACE WHERE I WOULD HAVE PICTURED MYSELF.I SEE GLIMPSES OF HOPE ALONG THE WAY. BUT THESE FRAGMENTS IN TIME IN WHICH I HAVE A LOVE FOR LIFE ARE DROWNED OUT BY DARKNESS. i THOUGHT THE WAY TO HAPPINESS WAS TO HELP OTHERS AND BETTER MYSELF. BUT THAT ONLY LED TO HORRIBLE THINGS FOR ME. I AM A MAN. I TRY AND TELL MYSLEF THAT EVERY DAY. BUT THIS ONLY PUSHES MY WORRIES TO THE FRONT OF MY THOUGHTS. MY BABY WAS RAPED N THER IS A FIRE INSIDE ME THAT I FEAR I CANT EASILY PUT OUT.
let it go if you got it.
quit holdin on to it.
It’s bad energy..Just be free…
All you want to do is get rid of it, so let it go. And go back to
living a good life.
Depression is a constant pain in my heart. A constant anxiety, fear,
indecision an hopelessness.
What else can I add. It is not a good place to be in and so hard to
get out of.
Every change I try to make in my life seems to make things worse.
Company and love are the only remedy.
Luis
I can easily write DITTO x 208 messages.
Maybe that is all I should put here.
Misery of being poked in the eye with pins would be better than the
misery of daily depression. Ahhhh, I know I am better than this, but
where am I anyway!
I have felt every way you all have described except for trying to commit
suicide. I want to live and very rarely have hope that it will get
better. I beg my friends and family for positive attitudes. But that is
not fair. When they do come to me with problems, sometimes I get very
strong. But I am soon exhausted. I am tired of taking care of even
myself anymore. etc etc etc…
I feel like I’m never going to be truly happy again. I’ve changed,
and not for the better. Like I’m not wanted. During the stages of
depression, I feel like I don’t deserve to be around other people or
even to live. I’m not interesed in a lot of things that I was before,
get nervous a lot, don’t talk very much to the people that used to be my
best friends, eat more, just because there is nothing else to do, and
I’m not the same bubbly, cool person I was before.
I feel alone, anxious, un-motivated and don’t want to do anything.
Everything and anything feels like a difficult task. I constantly try to
remember how I was before the depression, but I can’t really remember
anything. I’ve thought about ending it all, but somewhere deep inside I
know there’s the real me trying to break free. I found this forum by
typing “Why am I feeling like this?”, and was surprised to see the
results. I guess that’s a major question when you can’t take it anymore.
I relate to a lot of these comments. Everyday feels like an endless
struggle and it’s almost impossible to focus on anything. Just recently I
got an MRI of my brain because I thought
there might be a valid reason for all of this. It turns out I’m just
losing my mind. I don’t like fearing the outside world. I have a vision
of myself that I want to be, but I don’t want to try anymore. I don’t
wish for anyone to feel like this, but at the same time I’m glad I’m not
the only one.
Ya i feel all your pain. ive been depressed on and off for almost 20
years. Currently getting rtms therapy in southern Ca, for a month and
nothing yet. Feel like killing myself everyday but cant because of my
wife and kids who depend on me. meds dont help anymore and im scarred to
the fullest Good luck to all as we are all battling similar pain.Its
the worst debilitating feeling one can have and is not right or normal.
When you lose your communication skills, along with the
confusion,anxiety, poor focus and concentration, we fall apart. its
heartbraking knowing ive been totally fine and then am crushed with this
illness from out of nowhere. Like the devil has stolen my mind.
Remember suicide is a permanent cure for a temporary problem. Keep
fighting, Mark Harrison
ive been depressed on and off for almost 20 years. i Feel like
killing myself everyday but cant because of my wife and kids who depend
on me. meds dont help anymore and im scarred to the fullest Good luck to
all as we are all battling similar pain.Its the worst debilitating
feeling one can have and is not right or normal. When you lose your
communication skills, along with the confusion,anxiety, poor focus and
concentration, we fall apart. its heartbraking knowing ive been totally
fine and then am crushed with this illness from out of nowhere. Like the
devil has stolen my mind. Remember suicide is a permanent cure for a
temporary problem.but i want to be live
This message just made me realize that I’m not alone. I read it and
couldn’t stop crying. The depression is new for me but I feel is so
strongly. I am taking medication to help me sleep at night and I haven’t
yet decided if I will see a doctor or not. Most likely but I’m trying
to see if doing positive things in my life will help. It gives me some
hope to know that I’m not alone. But of course I cry about it.
Unfortunately, we are realists. We feel worthless because we truly
are dust in the wind. We see life for what it really is, and that’s what
depresses us. When we’re kids we’re just not mentally prepared for how
crazy this world and it’s people really are. It’s shocking, the way this
world is, we could be killed any second, same with family. How the hell
is anybody NOT depressed?
Its good to know that Im not alone.
I hate depression, drugs and everything that goes along with it.
So I fight it all the time, push myself until I physically cant do
anything anymore and the moment I feel stronger, I start over again.
You know the worst thing, it doesnt seem to matter how much I try or
how hard I try to make things get better, It just doesnt and when it
seems like there a chance it always just goes away.
I wish things would just get better for once, then maybe I wont feel
so depressed.
Thank you for this list. It puts everything into the clear words
that I couldn’t put together myself.
I have had these feelings of depression for at least 30 years. Mine
are the type that come and go. The biggest problems with them are that
they don’t seem to have any trigger or reason for coming on. I just
told my wife about these feelings 2 years ago and she said she was
relieved because she thought I didn’t love her anymore or something like
that was the problem. That relavation that I had made her feel unloved
made me feel even worse for awhile but I got over that. This latest
incident of onset was about 36 hours ago. If it follows previous
patterns then it will subside in about 2 more days or so. But this time
it is so much more severe that I felt suicidal last night. The only
thing that kept me from doing it was the thought of my wife finding me.
I love her so much. My suicide would devastate her but I feel like me
the way I am now is devastating her right now. I don’t know what to do.
An empty shell in an empty universe. Everything seems pointless and I
feel worthless brooding on mistakes I made years ago.
I manifest my depression and anxiety through anger.Its funny because
I am still hopeful
I’m going through the very same thing. But the thing that helps me
keep going is religion, look in to your spirituality, for me I found
faith in Islam. Its helped me a lot but at times, its hard, but much
better. Life is a bit more worth while. I hope the best for all of you,
please take care.
wow. i have been going through this since last March after my gf
cheated. to repeat what everyone is saying, this is scary accurate.
After kinda just wallowing in self pity for a few months (after dropping
out of Gonzaga U’s law program and becoming a full-time musician) I
have lately been struck by better thoughts. I still have moments of
relapse but I feel like things are getting better! I feel that positive
thought only makes the process speed up! So my advice to anyone who has
the heart to try, is to fully believe that this WILL
get better!
God Bless
What Candra said pretty much sums up how I’ve been feeling lately,
and how I’ve felt occasionally in the past.
Many of the things on your list also coincide with how I was and
occasionally am.
I have faith in myself though, that I can defeat this.
The only reason I don’t end it for myself is because it would make
all the words I tell my husband, all of the “I love you“s, and all of
the feelings I have for him a lie even though they are not. You see, if I
“check out” then I am taking away the wife I believe he truly loves and
adores. I don’t get it, I can’t stand myself but I know he loves me and
would be lost without me. So I stay.
This has been my life day in day out. lose contact with friends and
family. alone, cut off from everyone and everything. I hate everyone,
and they hate me in return. Flunking out of college because I cant
motivate myself to even leave my room let alone attend class. Ive tried
diffrent meds, ive tried thinking positive but nothing works. ultimately
my brain remains in a depressive state. So whats the point? theres
nothing I look forward to in the slightest. I never thought suicide was
the answer,(though I constantly fantasize it) but its really starting to
seem it.
I’m 19 and suffer from extreme depression and anxiety. I hate waking
up everyday and feeling like I want to kick the bucket. I used to try
killing myself in middle school and cut myself in highschool and nobody
really noticed because they slwsys think attractive people have it
easy.. Let me tell you, the most beautiful people in the world feel the
ugliest because of the unreslistic standards of todays young Hollywood.
Not to mention I battle with an food disorder. The only thing keeping
me from doing it is my roman catholic religion, because I DO believe I
will be severely punished and be banished to hell if I commit suicide.
But this constant feeling of hopelessness and self loathing is killing
me slowly. Draining every bit of me day by day.
I told my mom this morning I was tired. I just couldn’t get myself
up and go to school this morning. I didn’t feel like dealing with life
today. My grades are slipping and I just don’t care..I was doing so good
too but its creeping back up and it isn’t fair. I just want to be
happy. But I feel bad for the younger people here going through
depression even though I’m only 17.If I would’ve been this depressed at
13 I don’t think I could have taken it. Its like a room with no windows
and no door..no way out.
I’m constantly being reminded that I’m lucky to have family and
friends that care and want to help me. No one knows this more than I do
and yet I can’t do anything that makes me feel any better. I was given
a second chance at a job that I loved, but I couldn’t prevent the
sickening darkness to take this from me not once, but twice. Even
knowing how much my boss stuck out his neck to give me this opportunity,
I couldn’t prevent myself from defeating me. It made me so sick to
become at work the kind of employee that I used to despise…calling in
sick, not even calling, knowing one of your friends would probably have
to pick up your slack….realizing all that and yet not having the
strength to fight my way out of bed. All the respect I had worked so
hard to attain, all worthless now. I’m resigned to the fact that I’ll
be remembered for all the negatives depression shows, my life before
depression forgotten by everyone, even me.
im 14 and i know alot about depresssion. ive had alot of crap happen
in my life. i was depressed all through 6th grade. i would cry every
ight before i went to bed. i had something happen to me when i was 8 and
one night i suddenly remember it. its like my brain blocked it out for
so long and suddenly i remembered it. depression happens. but you have
to over come it. BE STRONG! you can get out of
this BELIEVE IN YOURSELF.
DONT GIVE UP!
things will get better. they did for me. AND THEY CAN FOR YOU!!!! good luck and
god bless.
I feel that anything I try my best in, or anything I try to motivate
myself in has become a complete failure. I can’t do anything right. I
can’t even have a proper conversation with anyone anymore. I’m
constantly putting up an act for my friends around me making them think
that I’m the happiest, most outgoing person who loves to have a good
time, but then when I set foot back at home, with my family, the one
source that is supposed to make me feel happy to be alive, I immediately
feel my major depression. All I need is one sentence of guilt and I
would start to have suicidal thoughts, and even take my anger out on my
boyfriend who usually makes me feel good about myself. It’s not fair to
him, and I have spent my whole life trying to please others…I don’t have
a choice
i consider clinical depression like cancer. ive been diagnosed with
bipolar disorder since i was in 3rd grade im now 20. its haunted my
life. it destroys my relationships. when im in “the land of the lost” i
make bad decisions. hell ive even tried to kill myself over 10 times.
clinical depression is worse than cancer. Because at least with cancer,
if youre diagnosed too late you know its all over and that death is
coming. but with depression you’ll live for years and years with the
thought of wanting to die. No one pity’s those who commit suicide. but
depression doesnt discriminate…just like cancer. this doesnt make any
sense…Im just rambling.
thanks for the list. it s good to read and be read.
i feel that there is a huge emotional gap between me and others. i want
to talk to people and they dont have any reason for talking except their
job. there is just one woman, old one. 75 yrs that whenever i say how r
u doing, she smiles. others are too busy that even look at other eyes. i
almost dont want to relate to anyone new and even my friends. i feel my
heart is damn heavy and i dont have anyone to express myself. when i
get up everday, my eyes become teary. it looks like a tragedy for me
and i really prefer to change my photos in profiles to black sad things,
i m just afraid of others judgement. i also had a bf last year. we r
still friends.i want to scream and say listen to me sometimes but i
cant.
I’m 24 and I’ve been depressed for 7 years now. I’ve tried hundreds
of meds and docs and I been resently diagnosed with resistent and
persistent depression wich means it’s tougher for meds to work.
I am desperate, I keep hiding from my friends and just making excuses
for not going out. Although my parents want to understand, they just
think I need to “get my act together”. I keep lying to everyone, each
day it’s harder for me to even speak, I don’t even shower for days and
just try to keep up with my lies and keep everyone happy.
I can’t do it anymore, I’ve also been diagnosed with obsesive compulsive
desorder wich is really tiering as terrible toughts just keep popping
up and I have this weird needs to touch things, blink, avoid thing etc..
For everyone who’s wrote their experiences THANKS!
You’ve let me now I’m not alone!
I will pray for you!!
Love,
GTR
Nothing makes me happy anymore. There used to be many things that I
enjoyed. Now I go to work and pretend to be happy so I can make it
through the day. Then I come home and have to pretend to be happy for
my wife, because she is great and wonderful and doesn’t deserve to be
ignored by me because I can hardly get out of bed anymore. The last
time I felt like this I dropped out of highschool. But I went on to
college and graduated and started drinking alcohol almost daily. And
that helped for a while. I don’t want to be that guy but what the hell
can I do now. I can’t provide for my family … I am worthless.
wow i dont have 1 of these symptoms, i had started having this
feeling since 16, now im 18… just started googling things about the
values of life and ended up here… It’s very hard to focus on something,
my mind wanders off easily and i automatically start thinking things
like, “what have i been living for?” it’s very hard for me to
communicate with people. right now i feel as if life has no value no
matter how much i try for it to have so i am motivated.. I used to be a
straight A student but now it’s like i don’t care about anything and my
grades are bad. this is getting worse every time. I feel like i have no
emotions, I try to act as if nothing was wrong with me, and cover it up
with lies. Just came from talking with my mother about mail that came
about my grades, she was crying too, and it makes me feel even worse. I
feel like i cant be helped and its just going to get worse..
I’ve been suffering for about 3 years, but in the last year it’s
reach a whole new level. I just feel empty. Nothing seems like it is
actually real, i feel like i’m trapped in a dream. I’ve tried killing
myself, but obviously failed…and i suppose the sad thing is that i plan
on it again. I am constantly fascinated with death and depressing
things. It’s like i feel i’m more myself when i’m depressed than when
i’m happy.I hurt myself because i despise myself and i feel like i don’t
even belong or deserve to be in this life.
I can’t even say to people ‘don’t worry, it will get better’ because the
thing is, that once you think you have reached happiness, the floor
falls beneath your feet and you tumble back into the dark.I don’t even
cry anymore. I can’t. I can’t even shed a tear.All i can do is stare
like a zombie for hours on end.
Staring in the mirror, into my own eyes, watching my every move.
There is no hope for any of us.
All I feel are constant headaches all the time why cant i just snap
out of it.
i’m 18 in my last year of schoolmy depression came around 4 weeks
ago, i felt like my closest friends didin’t really like me anymore and i
suddenly started to fear future relationships with people, i stopped
going to school, stayed in the house, didin’t answer phonecalls,didin’t
reply to messages and all i want to do is stay in bed and wish i just
dissapeared. now i fear even leaving the house.
I am very depressed right now. I have been for years, but it seems
to have worsened.
It’s the end of the world. Nothing matters. I hate myself for what I
have become but I can’t change it.
One thing I have noticed about depression is that it makes you realize
just how much others complain about nothing. How much they complain
about things you have been through for so long that you don’t think
about it anymore. It makes you angry. But you just hate yourself more
for feeling that way against them.
People leave you alone. They want nothing to do with you until you
pretend to be what they want. Happy and buoyant. You are trapped in a
world where you can’t be yourself. Where you have to suppress and hide
your pain until the end of days.
Hey guys, i been having depression but i have a way to escape it
temperarely or permently. What i have found out was when i play a video
game i get very serious into it. And as you go along in the game you
build up your feelings towards it. The farther you get the more happy
you are cause you can beat the game. i play online games and i find
playing them calms me down. it puts me into another world then once im
done im come out into the real life and feel normal. i hope this helps
cause it helps me. Also Try NOT to think about
it. that will help it so much more. eventually you can get adapted to
it and it will fade away and youll be back to the new person you been.
i think ive been suffering from depression for al long time now. I
am 18, with no direction and no future or friends or family or hopes or
anything. im juststuck.
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Right now I am feeling that I can’t do anything, that I am desperate
for a solution to my problems and also to my life in general. I need to
figure out what to do to survive, but every idea I have that at first
seems like a flash of inspiration, i quickly realize it wouldn’t work
because i don’t have enough time, energy, expertise, resources, etc to
make it happen. When I have an idea and tell my daughter, sister or
mother, they usually think it’s a good idea, then don’t understand why i
later can’t accomplish it. They see the good side but can’t see the bad
side or reasons why it would be a failure. Maybe it’s because the ideas
are good, it’s just me that can’t make it work.
I just turned 21 and I’ve been depressed for as long as i can
remember. I self harm and sabotage myself as soon as things seem to be
going well for me for a change and I dont know how to stop. I’ve tried
medication but that doesnt seem to do anything for me. Its just getting
worse now.
i feel most of the symtims on that list. i find people (girls mostly
hate me, they dont want to know me) im 18 now, when iwas a younger i
was mosre confordent girls took an interest in me, i didnt want to fight
every other teenaged boy, but now ive got older and my apperance has
changed all the girls who used to like me now dont want to know me and
because of that im scard of girls and its because of not having a girl
freind that i feel horrible, i feel unatrattive im 18 and ive only ever
kissed 3 girls, every girl ive tried liked havent like me back, im a
monster i feel like no one (part from my family) loves me or cares
about. i need help now or i most probily will end my life.
I’ve felt every single thing on that list since i was 13, I’m now
nearly 18
I dont feel weighed down, or trapped. i just feel entirely
pointless, worthless and empty
I’ve pushed away/tormented all my significant others with childish
behavior & betrayals because i’ve always felt they don’t want to be
with me, they just pity me – so i give them an excuse to leave
i’ve self-harmed for about 4 years now. at first it made me feel
better, less angry. but the amount of time i feel better for has begun
to rapidly decrease
The worst thing i think is having to keep up the pretense that i’m
okay. if i don’t everyone will take the blame unto themselves, when in
actual fact i’m the inadequate, broken one. its not anyones fault but
mine
It feels like you’re a ghost, a phantom floating in and out of the
gaps of life. Transparent and liquid-like, everything falls through the
body as though it’s constructed of mist. Barely alive, but ultimately it
is known that you are fully dead and the worst part is that you can’t
really grasp on the real reason or cause of how and why you died inside.
That’s when you think “Maybe I’m not dead afer all,” but then you watch
the world around you and all you can manage to see is a sick and
decaying field. If the world around you is dead in your eyes, you must
be dead too.
There are so many depressed hispanics in the US that I built this
site just for them. If you undestand English, please read below and post
your own comment.
Gracias!
Andrea
i feel stuck and my mind keeps on telling me things and controls my
feelings. Some big ball over there pressures me. I am stuck stuck stuck
and if i talk i will only look like a big failure because somehow i know
i am doing a fuss about nothing. am i, no am not, yes i am !!!
EP
Sometimes I’ll be happy, but most of the times I’m unbeleivabley
tired and just want to sleep to get away from my reality. on good weeks I
feel okay until thursday hits and then that’s when I can’t even go out
on Fridays because I just want to sleep and not deal with problems or
even the good things around me. I don’t know what to do anymore. this
pain that I feel doesn’t stop & I can’t seem to find any solution to
making myself better. I have horrible nightmares every night. I can’t
sleep until 2 or 3 am even when I’m exahusted. I OverThink every single
thing I do. I don’t enjoy anything anymore. I won’t even allow myself to
have any type of relationship with anyone because I feel as if I’ll
turn out to be a burden on their life. someone plz help me
I feel so low. My girlfriend recently left cause she said I abused
her emotionally. She really supported me through my depression stages
and I feel sad that I hurt her. We were together for 5 years. Whenever
we went out I would drink and things that I have on the inside would
come out but not in the way I intended. She said she was afraid of me at
those times. I lost my job, friends and I have no where to turn.
I am 15. i started feeling this way when i got an F on the
transcript. i burnt my repord card and my parents still dont know about
it. in health class i discovered i have most symptoms of depression. at
school i try to be someone who i am not and i am happy like that. at
home i feel worthless. no one understands me. i want it to end. but i
know it wont. i’ve been feeling this way for 8 months and it hasnt
gotten better. but i will fight this. but idk how.
GOOD LUCK EVERYONE!
[hopes for 2012]
I don’t know if I am depressed… I had 1 girlfriend for the past 3
years I really liked her when we split up… I still do but it seems she
hates me… We went out for 9 months… Only fougt once… I tried to find
god… Now I’m an Atheist… People hate me for it… I only told a really
good friend… I guess they found out… I can not sleep I have to walk or
move or clean something… I guess it’s better then being a slob… I don’t
know anymore… I’m really social for 45 min. Then I’m very hiddin… I
don’t fell like talking… I came here it’s nice to tell the world,
because they don’t know me…
That list actually brought me hope. Although i’ve been a long time
sufferer of anxiety, i believe depression can come from it. I smiled
reading this list because someone finally put how i feel into words!
Especially the one about feeling there’s a glass wall between me and the
rest of the world. I’m not suicidal or horribly depressed, i just need
to break out of my anxious mind.
-Olivia
Emptyness is fillin me.. to the point of agony..
Thats fade to black of metallica..
I’m not sure if i’m depressed or not. But, i’ve been extremely under
motivated lately. Everything seems wrong. Today, i woke up early in the
morning but in some way, i was feeling mad so i rebel and skip my
class. When i really woke up, i regret not going to class. I’ve been
escaping myself from reading my textbook and play games instead. I just
want to escape. I feel stuck in a place and at wrong times. Help.
I’ve given too much, I’ve got so tired and burned out and started
smoking weed and I was hurting myself in other ways. My vitality,
myself and confidence went dark -depression – and I seemed removed from
this world, in a dream like state, I was alone and lost. My head had
intrusive thoughts that I could not shake off and my body was so
fatigued and eventhough I tried to get help, I didn’t think other people
saw me or that I even existed. I did have suicidal thoughts but I
didn’t act on it. I’m off the medications and decided to work on my
personal problems.
i can’t seem to do anything right recently. it’s just like my
thoughts have been taken away from me, and i feel somehow…null. i can’t
concentrate, and eventhough i’ve tried or studied my best, things just
can’t come together..
I have battled depression since junior high school. I have pushed
away all of my family and friends. The only thing that keeps me on this
earth is that my suicide would crush my parents. So when i get into
fights with them, I get so close to dying but never actually do. In my
most desperate times of need I’ve had a friend or even an acquaintance
to help me through it. That is the only reason i’m alive. Everyday i
want to wake up and have this all be a dream, but in never is. I’m
always waiting to hit rock bottom because from there all i can go is up.
I’m very close but not completely there. I lie to my therapist. I feel
really messed up.
It
Straight A student. Having the boyfriend I’ve been longing for for 4
years in high school. He is beyond my most beautiful fantasies in
almost every aspect. Yet I feel alone and push away any chance of a
friend. And that all the cold reasoning that used to be in my mind back
then when I was a balanced girl, far too mature for her age, has now
turned into sharp ice crystals that are piercing my brain and killing me
slowly. I cry for no reason,whereas before this I wouldn’t even cry at
pathetic movies, no matter how touching they were, I feel like a shadow
and like burden for everyone around. And no one notices. They all go on
with their superficial little lives, all those people I thought to be
buddies if not friends. I feel like dropping out of college, out of my
life, and just hiding somewhere waiting to starve to death. Used to be
the pretty yet extremely smart, witty and charming girl any guy with a
sense of dark humour would love to date. Now I’m a wreck.
Lately it seems like life is more of a video game that I have been
playing for far too long an it’s getting too complicated and tough so I
just want to put it away and not play anymore….i just don’t know
I fill every symptom on that list. The only person that cares about
me is my best friend, and he’s depressed too. I can’t tell anyone how I
feel, because I’m supposed to be strong. I’m the one who helps all my
friends through their trouble. Somehow, I know they won’t return the
favor. I hate my parents, and if I tell them they’ll just tell me to get
over it. I’m scared.
Im depressed
when the grey comes you cant stop it. i felt like an alien to the
world often saying i was having a invisable day because i couldnt
reconize myself.swallow me up in that big black hole. i would wake up
and think about ending it all more and more and more till it got so bad
it was all i thought about also bad thoughts about my family being hurt
etc bad things really bad thoughts. i often think if i didnt get help
would of it got worse and worst still until you do take your
life.depression dystroys ones sole in every way and i will never be the
same person again. it is with me forever.
Depression is a very difficult mental illness to live with. It’s
like having a constant sad, tired, sometimes angry mood that never fully
goes away, even when watching funny films. A lot of people get
confused, because feeling depressed is a sign of depression, but
depression is an illness and just feeling depressed isn’t.
I just want to stop. This list is so spot-on. I feel like I need a
rest from everything, but can’t see a possible point in the future where
I’d stop wanting it to all go away
I went through depression and there are still moments where it
haunts me. The best thing you can do is get help if you are feeling any
of these symptoms. Usually I dont comment on Web Pages, but since this
is a situation I have experienced, I want to comment. I dont ever want
anyone to feel how I felt when I was depressed, I know that there will
be others, but if there was something I could do to make it stop for all
of you, I would do it. Please, if you are feeling any of the symptoms
posted above, get help. It’s the biggest step, a scary step, but its
worth it and it will go away if you talk to someone about it.
It is a soul-less body that is jealous of every human being around
it. Such desires for passion that may never be fulfilled. Walking in
hopes of stumbling upon an answer, but never bothering to find one. It
does worse than envelop, but consumes the soul into an empty husk of a
human body. There is no desire. No will. No humanity. Shut away into
numbness, occasionally able to see the answer within your grasp…when it
vanishes. Constantly teased with the success of others. Dreaming for
someone else, to the point that it occupies all feelings and hopes of
your all too precious moments of happiness, just to suppress all
thoughts for them to the point of indifference… for the sake of
preserving sanity for another day. Because the possibility of success is
outweighed by the probability of doom.
The only good news?
Suicide is the coward’s way out. And I am going to go down fighting…
BECAUSE I AM NOT
A COWARD.
I try hard to pretend it’s not there. I try to fool myself into
thinking I am happy. I had some really bad things happen to me when I
was a child & it seems like no matter what I do, it affects me in a
lot of ways. I often feel like things that happened in my past are not
real & sometimes things that are happening to me now are not real
when I know they are. I often have overwhelming feelings of doing
something mean to someone even though they didn’t do anything to me. I
ignore them cuz I know it’s not me. I feel on edge a lot when there’s no
reason to be.
im depressed. when i get like this nothing helps only crying does
temporarily and suicide does feel like the only way out and i get so
happy when i think about dying i feel like yes now i can really live. i
hate my life. i just want to die or kill a bunch of people i hate being
stereotyped i hate happy people i just want to die and i dont carehow
nothing ever goes right i always manage to fuck something up i hate
myself.
I feel like doing nothing. Just taking naps whenever I can. My
schoolwork has gone downhill, from all A’s to mostly C’s. I want to
become a doctor but I just don’t know if I am mentally stable enough to
pull off such a feat. I often sit in class and feel as if I am being
suffocated. Just writing this paragraph helped me organize my thoughts,
which in turn made me less depressed. I feel uplifted almost, but I know
that something, somehow, will just bring me back down once again
I’m nearly 50 and have had depression since right after high school.
Much of the earlier bouts were masked by substance abuse. But, there
have been many bouts for which I was hospitalized without substance
abuse. I have remained sober for as long as 18 years and then suddenly
took it back up. I’ve been in A.A. for the past 4 years. I do not feel
like the rest of the A.A.s who recover once removed from alchohol—point
is, I don’t feel like I belong anywhere. Not so long ago, I was
“happy”. I used to make guitars, record, etc. financially and in every
other way I should be completely happy. My wife is a doctor and makes a
fortune. We are set for life…yet I can’t pick up my guitar without
bursting into tears. Someone please help me!
I was told that i was worthless, stupid, skinny, weak my whole
childhood and into high-school and college. My parents love me but if
they knew how worthless i realy am they would trade me in on a pet
monkey. I wanted to pay someone to hug me because they would not do it
on their own and i am a good looking guy. I had some female friends and
if it was not for them I would be dead. I met my ex wife ten years ago
she belived in me and my pain for the most part went a way and i loved
her with every part of my being because she fixed me. She got unhappy
and left me.
sometimes I feel like I don’t have a partner
sometimes I feel like my only friend
in the city I live in, the city of angels
I have no worries, now that is a lie
You feel like you don’t exist anymore.
The idea of someone being hurt by your death begins to seem
incomprehensible.
You hate feeling invisible, but the panic when someone does see you
is worse.
You want to cry, but you can’t work up the energy.
You feel like you’re dead already. Suicide only formalizes the
reality in front of you.
Great list, and thank you for writing it.
I can cry for hours…its like my tears don’t stop…
its like a circle
u cant get out once your in it your stuck you go round and round in the
same patterns
everyone seems the same you think they dont care. every tone of voice is
thought about till ur mind is so worn out you cant help but cry
you wana cry all the time its like being on a merry go round you dont
understand what your doing to make people act strangly around you not
reali gettin its mainly in your head, you dont get why no one is helpin
you get off even if they are
you convince your self your worthless going faster and faster round in a
circle
its like waitin to crash
I’ve felt like this for so long, I don’t even know who I am
anymore.it’s like my whole personality has been sucked out of me, and
replaced with nothing. I can’t really say that I hate life, because what
I lead is not life, it’s an existence. I used to cry all the time… now I
just don’t feel anything. It’s hard to smile when your whole world is
controlled by misery.
right now, i feel every symptoms on your list.
the world rotating seems to be a world without color. i don’t feel like
smiling any more. i don’t have anyone i can confide my feelings to,
every emotion feels like it’s going to burst. i just want to breakdown
and cry. anxiety is swallowing my totality. i have been worrying too
much. sometimes i just want to give up…
i haven’t been happy for a long time. there are moments i treasure
with my girlfriend, family, friends, and at work when i know i’m CLOSE to what happiness must feel like but
circumstances conspire to pull the rug from under my feet and return me
to the dark place where my soul seems to live all the time. i have
recently discovered that my girlfriend is a chronic verbal abuser and
that she projects her negative emotional states onto me; i try to be
there for her when she’s down but i have now learned that i am merely a
vessel for her unwanted emotional garbage. she pushes me to the point of
tears and yelling and it only makes me look bad, while she sits
quietly, satisfied that she is able to vent her anger at the world
through me. despite my knowing that she possesses this nature i am not
always able to combat it and i have fearfully come to the conclusion
that i will die in my sleep because of her.
I want to die , i don’t want to live like this its not worth it
Depression can feel really confusing, like there’s something wrong
that you just can’t pinpoint. It also makes you feel very lonely.
Depression is definitely seeing the glass as half empty….and what’s
left in the glass is filled with poison.
Now I realized that I can’t control myself when I’m mad… I feel like
i want to crash everything around me when I’m mad.. I want to be
normal.. Just like everybody else……
It feels like everything takes the extra effort..you feel like not
being around anymore but your so confused you have no idea why you feel
this way. Overwhelming episodes where you feel like crying. Ugly,
hopeless, and lonely is what you feel like. Definitely feel like nothing
can help you..they say time heals everything. But i’m still waiting.
I am exhausted in putting on a brave face to the world and
pretending to smile when all I want to do it curl up in a ball and go to
sleep as when Im alsleep I dont have to think about how Im feeling. I
feel as if a dead weight is crushing me to the ground and that although
people say they understand then they couldnt possibly unless they had
been through it before as have all the people above. Hope keeps me
going, although I feel with the more time that goes on that too is
fading.
im not sure if what i feel is depression …i feel everything on that
list i know thinking about death is not right yet i still do ive been
pushing everyone that cares for me away some have just given up on me i
dont feel like my self anymore is like i try to be happy but its just
not possible im stress about school trying to make my parents happy i
try to make everyone else happy but never myself even when i do
something i feel as if im not doing it right that i cant do anything
right my mother constaly screams at me for my weight i dont feel as if
am big yet she wants me to be perfect and it make me feel like am not
worth it with my boyfriend hes still hangin there with me when we fight
is cause am pushing him away and he reeally cares i tell him to fine
someone that can really make him happy he tells me he is with me but i
just feel lik e i never do anything right …
Your post is very impressive and informative. I have read it and
agree with your views, ideas and opinions becasue it is the demand of
the time. I am a web developer and working on a project of in these
days. Therefore i am just putting short views here but after some days i
shall go in details and provide complete information regarding the
topic. Moreover i want to add some interesting things in my article
directory as well.
I’m feel very depressed, I had a common live, graduated and have a
job. ‘till one day my parents begin to force me “to do this”, “to do
that”, “have a date with that girl”, “have a date this girl”, “what to
buy”, “even “when to married!!!!!!!!” “to whom I married!!!!”…..DAMN!!!!
deepest inside, I really really hate them, I hate them ‘till I die….I
hope I die sooner, ‘cause it’s such a relief,….get away from a live that
I don’t want, but forced to live in it……..
To All Parents out there : Remember don’t do this to your kids!!!!!
Suicidal Casanova
Its been three years now. I didn\
Iam replaceable
“It’s like falling into a hole, and it keeps getting bigger and
bigger, until you
can’t get out and then all of a sudden it’s inside you, and you’re the
hole”: Quote From The Movie ‘Ordinary People’
At 46, never been married (which adds to my depression), and I feel I
have struggled way more than some of the people on this list have.
Some of the people on here, have expressed what it feels like very
succently. “A deep emptiness inside in which you can not seem to get
filled. Number 25 summed it up for me. And even returning a smile to a
complete stranger is hard. I wish this would end and let me experience
what a joyful life is suppose to feel like. Maybe then, I can finally
get into a relationship and have a profession I love.
I feel like I just can’t cope anymore
I cannot see any light at the end of the tunnel, or any way of
making my life any better.
I know it would destroy my wife and beautiful daughter if I ended my
life, but still I frequently think about it.
I have no-one to turn to, and hate feeling like this.
not to long ago things were so messed up with us i hated it but now
that everything is better i feel sad and alone like before i had a
reason to live and things to do and well i felt needed now i feel
stagnint like a lump i love my husband and my son so much they are
everything to me but now i dont want to talk or hang out with them when
things were really bad i had the strenght to move forward i had the
will keep going now im suppose to be ok im supose to feel good and be
happy but im not i hate myself right now everything gets on my nerves
but ill be ok thanks for letting me vent this has helped alot everyone
please hang in there i know its hard but remmber as bad as it is it
could always be worse we could all live in the sonder bonts worring
about being mauled by a tiger or drowinding or some dick taking over
you island and kicking you out of your home ………………look it up it
I feel like I am in the abyss of pain and suffering. Every thing is
dark and a shadow is take over and covering me day to day. I love my
girlfriend but sometimes it seems everyday I turn around something new
and irritating comes up. The pain is a feeling I can’t describe, I often
throw things and sream out loudly in agony, and I get irritated by
things now that normally would not affect me. My brains hurts and it
keeps me from sleeping and eating, finances won’t seem to move, I feel
like I will never get anything for myself. The only reason I haven’t
killed my self is because of MY FAITH IN JESUS, MY FAMILY, and MY GIRLFRIEND. It hurts and I need it to stop.
I dont know if i am suffering with depression or not, maybe its just
life and i need to stop moaning. Sometimes i do feel like my life is
just not worth living at all and that i dont have the brains and the
stamina to go out and do what i really want to do in life? I split up
with my girlfriend recently, i went to her for everything and she taught
me quite a lot but now i am on my own. I have a few friends but i still
feel so lonely and down, i dont feel like the person i was 2 years ago,
its so weird. It scares me when the feeling of ending my life comes
into my head because i dont have the bottle to do it anyways and i just
eek my way through each day. I find it hard to look at myself in the
mirror as i think i am different from everyone else like i am abnormal
and ugly. I just want something good to happen, when will this time
come..who knows.
I’m only 14 years old , I hate evrything in my life I just want to
sit in my room and cry and sometimes feel like killing myslef would make
it all better . This all happened about a year ago when a boy broke my
heart , am I just hurting because i miss him or did he cause depression ?
can someone cause that on you ?
I recently found myself not being interested in the things I found
interest in.Not sure if im depress but the present relationship is
sending me in my own bubble…
I feel like I am falling into a deep dark hole and wish to stay
there forever…..
C
I`ve had depression for 16 years. And until someone has it, they
won`t understand just how soul-sestroying it is.
When you have depression, you feel worthless, pathetic, a failure,
sad, good for nothing,lonely, sad, lose interest in things you once
liked, a loser, cry, and don`t care anymore. And I`ve now learned after
years that depression doesn`t go away. no matter what you do. You just
have to learn to live with it.
i completely get how all of you feel. im about to graduate high
school in like, less than a week. have been battling depression
literally before I even started junior high. my way of dealing? eating
large amounts of food. i fucking hate life. nobody cares about what is
important to me, or what i think about any thing, or how i feel about
anything. i don’t have any true friends. my parents could really give a
shit about what happens to me or my siblings but our mom pretends to
care. she doesnt involve herself in any thing unless she benefits from
it. i cant tell any one in school how i feel because who knows what
would happen? i just hope that in the future life would have a bright
meaning.
I cant handle my life anymore. All of my friends have left me. I
feel completely alone. I sit by myself at lunchtime, and my grades at
school have dropped heaps. I used to get A’s, now its C’s and D’s. FML. I wish my life was happy but instead its dull
and gray. Theres no light at the end of the tunnel.
I don’t see the point in anything anymore eveything is pointless
like even writin this is there any fuckin point no will it do anythink
no so why am I writin this because I dnt like talkin 2 people anymore
not even my friends as there sick of my shit and people juge u they sit
there and listen and in there mind there probs thinkin wat eles they
could be doin rite now so talkin 2 people in person is supid and u can
tell on there expressions tht there juging u and it makes me fuckin
angry just like music if someone asked wat music u listen 2 its a
personal question I think because they no a lot about u just by askin
tht question I feel like every person juges me all the tym so thts why I
dnt bother talkin anymore why should I go 2 sleep when there’s
nightmares why should I eat because its tastes like nothing I’m in this
darkness and I cnt get out and I dnt see the point in fightin it
anymore. Maybe its because I smoke 2 much weed I dnt no…
Ihave a wonderful husband and gorgeous kids. But i don’t seem to be
able to enjoy them or my life like i did once or should be able to.
Things i used to look forward to like birthdays etc i don’t, some i even
dread. I feel like these events could all go wrong.
I can’t make decisions because i am convinced what ever i decide will be
wrong.
I don’t want to go to bed at night because then the next day will come! I
don’t want to get up in the morning.
The thing that keeps me going is my kids, husband and my faith. I cannot
understand why God allows me to feel like this. I trust he knows better
than me though.
I cope, just about and i’ve learnt that it’s ok to just cope. I don’t
think depression will ever go…it’s an illness with out a cure.
what did i do to deserve this life..
I think im depressed because I have no friends..I mean who wouldn’t
be depressed in this situation? People who have them are lucky! I
think I’m also depressed because Im not smart.who wouldn’t be depressed
by this? I think I’m also depressed because my parents favor my brother
over me…who the FUCK Would not be
depressed??? I also tend to get superjealous of people because they have
everything that I don’t.
FML!
I’ve been battling depression since I was about 13. I just turned 20
and I don’t ever remember having so many of my waking hours so down in
the dumps and empty. I feel like I am watching my body and actions from a
distant window… almost like a zombie. I feel like nothing I do or say
ever compares to others and that I am a failed human being and a
recluse… The worst thing is that I have never had truly embarrassing
moments and I have been accepted socially time and time again. But still
these horrible, gut-wrenching thoughts flood my life. There is a
constant dark cloud hovering over me. I am about to go see my first
psychologist and I’m hoping he will help me break down this barrier
blocking my life.
I wish i´d found love
I have sat here and read all these post and many of them i relate to
but to tell you the truth i think I’m past the being sad and wanting to
end my life at this stage i don’t sleep and now just thought about how
food actually taste and its not that great I’m not sleeping as much but
anyways
This shit sux i can remember when i was younger i use to be so happy
smoking pot even smoking pot isn’t the same anymore it use to make me
happy but now i just get mellow and more depressed when i smoke but it
does help me sleep
thanks for the time
depression suks a lot most teens go through it
including me im a 17 year old girl frm cali ive been dealing with this
since i was 14
its really hard to go through this and i wish i could say it goes away
with the years but sometimes it just doesnt ive consider suicide so many
times but for some odd reason i just cant go throught with it i try so
hard to hide the pain and i do it so well most of my friends dont even
know about this except my best friend because she depressed just like me
but were there for each other supporting each other idk where i would be
if i didnt have her
I hate being alone cause that is when everything hits me. I don’t
know how to explain it or why but then I start to feel sad, hopeless,
worthless. Sometimes I cry to myself and it bothers me because I’m not
really sure what it’s about. These feelings all happen out of the blue
or when I’m alone and I think about everything and nothing. I know it
makes no sense but I don’t understand it either. I wonder if these
feelings are normal or if there is something that’s wrong with me. I
don’t know if it’s depression, I don’t know what it is. I just wish I
would just stop feeling this way but the feelings always come back . . .
I think I’msuffering from deppression I stopped hanging out with
friends for the longest and wasnt really talking to them. I’m always
worried that something’s gone happen to my significant other because
he’s in the military. Everything feels like its in slow motion and when I
try to sleep it feels like I’m just floatin on thin air. My ex
boyfriend makes me more stressed out than I already am, and I feel like
there’s nuthing to do in this world to stop it. I feel like I want to be
by myself because he’s not here, and I forget the simplist things all
the time.I just want to know whats going on because its driven me crazy.
I’m sad seeing that others have written here that they have suffered
from depression for decades. They have more strength than me; I don’t
think I can go that long with this winter in my mind. I’ve spent most
of the last two years praying that I wouldn’t wake up in the morning.
My hope for everyone and myself is that we can each overcome this. Good
luck to all.
i thought i was over the depression. i thought it was something else
my memory, my anxiety, my focuss was terrible i was diognosed with ADD. school got beter anxiety not better, negative
thoughts arrived, tears arrived offten, evaluation of myself repeated in
my mind constantly. insomnia formed. for a while i thought i was crazy
and i needed help. i told myself i wasnt depressed again but i am and im
scared because i dont think it will ever go away happiness will never
stick aroud very long.i just want who i was 3 years ago i was
unstoppable, i was so happy and life was beatiful. i want to go back,
but i cant so i’ve been doing things lately that i did back in the day.
its helping some but i always seem to go right back. there is no hope
but impossible is my cup of tea if and i will treat it as a treasure i
will search forever life i believe has reason for every individual i
would love to find mine
I suffered a serious bout of depression 4 years ago and it’s just
come back recently. It makes me feel angry! It makes me so frustrated
that I can’t enjoy life and I get so mad at myself for not being able to
‘snap out of it’! I wish there were an easy fix, but I know I just have
to fight through it… I cry at nothing and can’t smile easily. I am
usually a very happy and positive person; most people don’t believe that
I could ever suffer from depression, but when I do I feel alone and
like no-one understands. I hate it! Social situations, that I used to
thrive in, make me nervous and anxious. Even on a good day, when I have a
hour or so that I don’t feel like I’m drowning, I feel guilty that I’m
not feeling sad! It’s ridiculous and I hate that I’m so self-pitying
when I’m depressed. I just look forward to the day that I see the light
at the end of the tunnel; when that day comes I’m gonna run toward it
with all my might…
When I have a major depression I feel anxious and nervous, like I’m
shaking inside all the time. I can’t eat or sleep or talk to people. I
feel like there is nothing left inside me, no feelings at all, it’s
just my body that is still living, my soul is gone. I’m like a zombie.
I could very easily jump off of the top of a very tall building; I have
no fear of hitting the ground and dying. It seems like a way out of
the horrible dark place I’m in. I feel like I can’t talk to people
about my depression because so many people think depression does not
really exist.
I’ve been locked away in the dungeon of depression for nearly 10
years. I’m 22. I’m ready to give up and give in.
Suicide? Why not.
The pills don’t work anymore.
The future is growing darker, dimmer…and it can only get worse.
Rock bottom? Try me. Depression is an endless void. The only bottom
is 6 feet under.
How can one event, one stupid insignificant event cause such pain.
I’m 18 now and Ive been battling depression since I was 15. Ive only
recently admitted that I was depressed. Ive been a poet and artist ever
since I can remember….but after a certain event my spark of inspiration
has faded. Please E-mail me. I need people to talk to about this. I need
opinions on the matter.
i like being sad, it makes me think that i have nothing to be sad
about when i think about the people that really have a reason to be sad.
homeless,orphans,people in hospitals that have no money but are left
there to slowy die, espeacialy people who cant even look at people when
they keep looking at him/her for how he/she looks like.
Sometimes it seems as if I get tired so easily. It’s so hard to get
motivated to do things I should enjoy. It’s like I keep just that step
between myself an most others, it’s hard for me to get really close to
people anymore. I want to change how things are going but am no longer
sure how. I don’t know if I have it in me to change now. I can pull
myself out of depression for a time- I’m better than I was when this was
set off by certain events, but I just don’t quite know how to fit
anymore.
I feel tried and like something is wrong! Food does not taste any
good and I just bought something I really wanted and right now I dont
care about It!
I don’t know what’s going on. I feel like I could shoot myself in
the head right about noe.
To me its like i dont have anyone to talk to or trust at all. I feel
alone and don’t see a point to living, but scared of death i’ve changed
now my point of living is for God but i still sometimes feel that i
cant trust people
Forty years of this Horror. I Self-Medicated for the first 25 and
coped OK, but then I hit all of the bottoms.
Fifteen yrs of Dr Rx’d meds have been useless. I’m in the hopeless
zone— Why go on?
Or maybe God is the answer. I wouldn’t know, I’m an athiest. But I
would look for Him if I thought it might make the pain go away… Hmmm…
i’m sitting here, i’ve read most of these and i don’t think i have
anything worth saying. i used to find importance in minute/unimportant
things, and now i don’t even see the importance of anything. i don’t
want to be awake but i don’t deserve sleep, i’m starving but it doesn’t
seem worth it to even go into the kitchen. i haven’t been sober for more
than 48 hours in months, mainly because when i try to, i get depressed
like this.. my meds don’t help, and saying all of this here won’t
either. the fact that i’m depressed and have nothing to truly be
depressed about makes me feel a thousand times worse.
5 years into this shit, i wake up and drag on pushin myself through
the day, but yet when it comes to my family or friends i push that smile
and say in fine. yeah ok deep down inside im screamin “someone HELP ME!” like the post above me i didnt realize how
shitty i felt until i stopped drinkin on the weekends and weekdays. i
gave up on everything. school, friends, family. at least if i as drunk i
was happy. The weird part about it all is i have become comfortable
with the dark and angry feeling, like it is normal, and im supossed to
always feel like this. does it ever go away?
I have gone through different periods of depression and anxiety for the last 15 years, each one getting worse. The period I’m at now feels like definate impending doom, like this is the last level. I get so depressed that it physically hurts. I can’t breath correct. I’m so sad for the people I care about. I have no interest in anything in life anymore, not even food. I have lost 25 pounds. I have been to so many dr.’s, and tried so many medicines, nothing helps unless it has been narcotic, and that’s only temporary and brings on more dep., and anx. in the end. I have gotten to the point where I think about going crazy and being so dep. so much that it has made me physically ill and caused panic attacks daily that make me feel like I am having a heart attack. I can’t understand why I am this way. I am very good looking, very smart, very talented, I know these things about myself because people tell me all the time, but It does’nt register or help. I automatically assume people wont get along with me and I will fail at things, so its like I go into things forcing it to happen but unwillingly, and it almost always does. I have bad relationships with people at work because, they think I dont like them, because I shut myself off and am not interested in their small talk. I want to be interested and want to be open I just can’t. I’ve tried to fake it and it does’nt work. IDK I just found this site and thought I’d share. I can say that no matter how bad it gets, I will never give up, because of my son, and the people I love. I can’t give up for them.
This is the 6th time since I’ve been 15 y.o. that I’ve had a “bout” of major depression and I’m 57 y.o. now. This bout has lasted almost 3 years. Am living with a friend now becasue I’m afraid to be by myself. I haven’t taken a shower in about a month. My whole life has ground to a halt…and I can’t see myself getting better this time. I’ve had a lot of losses which I think triggered this bout of depression. I want to just hide from my feelings and from people…….
d is for darkness that suffocates my mind
e is for everything i used to enjoy has evaporated
p is for pain, the slow burn of a dying cigarette eats away from the inside out
r is for reality, which i feel all too actuely
e is for envelope, and i am a torn letter lost inside
s is for season, time blurs into eternity; it is always winter in my soul
s is for self-pity, i threw a party and nobody came
i is for immense, which is the gap between happiness and sadness, where sorrow has me forbidden me to cross
o is for one, i am alone in a world of billions
n is for night, it is dark near the edges of my heart and midnight in my brain…
for all of us suffering behind broken half-smiles, as we nod or say we are fine when asked how we are doing…i want to say i know how you feel behind your veil of broken tears and the pain of unfulfilled dreams…i see you, i feel you, i believe in you and know that you are meant to be here…your life has a purpose, it’s just that our lives have been so messed up to this point…others have mistreated or abused us, dashed our dreams to the cold, uncaring ground…or maybe we have screwed up so damned much, made so many mistakes, how can we look ourselves in the mirror day in, day out? just breathe another breath for me, for us and don’t listen to the lies that seek to destroy your last ounce of life. true, you are nearly dead and definitely drained, and of course, broken and torn, but look, you are still a beautiful piece of heaven that has fallen from the sky to earth to make a difference in someone’s life. maybe you can’t see it, but i swear on my own life that you are here, right now, for some reason that is bigger than you and i both…hang on…you will find your purpose, you will find your meaning somehow, someway, i swear it. i, who once once had a loaded magnum to my head, pills in my stomach and bleeding wrists swear that i know your pain and also swear that the pain will ease in time. it will never go away completely, of course, just like a wound always leaves the memory of itself behind in a scar…but…scarred and torn, i will stand with you and be your friend…but you have to be here to find out the ending to this mystery of life…this freaking, heartbreaking, thing called life, which we are stuck in right now, at this very moment…don’t give up…we are in this together, even though we are strangers and divided by geographical boundaries…we are struggling and suffering together in this boat of life…and damn it, we are going to float until we can learn how to swim….who’s with me??? come on…we can dog paddle if we have to, and if you see someone drowning, throw them a life preserver until they can float on their own and if not, then we can drag them to shore damn it…just stay alive, okay? that’s all i ask…then, we’ll figure out what to do after that…i mean if the crew of Gilligan’s Island can survive on an island for years and years, then by God, we can too….first, though, we’ve got to make it to shore…i know you can do it…
Depression is the feeling of hopelessness, feeling useless and worthless and when you’re depressed all you want is for it to just go away, no matter how. I would do anything and everything to end my depression and that is the scariest part of it.
I have read alot of posts here, and even left my own. I suffer from what I think, is the worse depression, social and panic attacks. I swear everyday I wake up the first thing that comes to mind is, how I can hide from as much of my daily responsibilities and interactions as possible. I feel as though everyone judges me and can tell something is wrong and it makes me feel as though, I dont have the right to stand up and take the things I want in life because I am not worth it. I can relate to alot of the posts I see on here. I hae never said the things that I am sayin now because I am ashamed of being this way. If you saw me in person from first glance you would’nt understand why I am like this. That is just the thing though I dont know why I am like this, and I literally have tried everything from trying to be a saint to asking god for help. I have people in my life I love so much it hurts, and I have neglected them by not sharing my time and at times being somewhat catatonic, because I just can’t think of things to say, or have the energy to interact and participate in activities. I am tryin so hard not to turn back to drugs, but I’m almost at the point where I say I’d rather be high, addicted and happy in a short life, then suffer unhappy, and dragging my fam. down with me through a long,slow agonistic death. I wanted to say though that I dont know any of you people here, but I feel all of your pain. I appreciate all of your daily struggle, I here people bitch and complain everyday about the most ridiculous stuff, and I think about people like you and me, who cannot find a momment of unhappiness to complain about because unhappiness is where we live our entire live. We look for rare momments to say hey I feel good for a second instead. I just hope that one day I get to the point where I can just become completely numb, and atleast be able to feed off the happiness of the people I care about, like the way I feel when I see my son smile, or my girlfriend laugh.
When I’m depressed, which I have been for the past month or so, I feel cold on a warm day. It’s like the hopelessness scares the sun away. My thoughts are hazy. I have goals, but they are like a mirage on the horizon. The smallest things, like brushing my teeth or combing my hair, become major achievements. Being unemployed doesn’t help. I don’t talk to my friends much anymore, because they’ll ask me how I am… I don’t want to lie. My life sucks right now. I want to live, but not like this. Commiserations with you all but we can beat this. It only takes a spark to light a fire…
I am near the end. I have no joy nor love. I can’t get close to people and my lack of energy and focus will soon cost me my job. My boyfriend has rejected me. The anti-depressants caused me to gain 50 lbs despite the doctors claim otherwise. So I am depressed and fat and pretty much useless as a breathing organism. I will have more purpose as plant food. When I have surgery next week, I will will myself to fade away under the anesthesia. I wish it were easy to simply erase me from this story.
I feel just like so many of you, small, tiny, insignificant, hopeless, worthless, useless, I want to sleep all of the time, then I feel lazy and hate myself, I am told to stop feeling sorry for myself, I am told maybe I should be greatful. But everything I do turns out wrong, everyone at work hates me, they know I am different, I know I am different, I just don’t fit in this world, I keep away from people, I am a loner. I only have the dog who I don’t even walk anymore, but she still loves me, she is the only one besides God, I guess. I know God suffers too, with us. He will hold us one day, and love us, and then you and I will really feel loved. It is my only hope in this life. Thank you all for sharing, it helps to know there are others like me out there suffering, I love all of you, and wish I could hug you, Thank You for posting this website. Earlier I wanted to die, it hurt SO much, all over, inside my gut, my head pounded, my sorrow was so deep. Thank You all.
Everything on that self-test is right about me.I feel bad.I feel like my whole lifes ahead off me and I can’t get to it because I am so stuck up with myself.
It felt like I wrote these words. I really thought I was alone but not sure if it will help. Maybe I’m just too deep into that dark hole.
To everybody who has felt or is currently in the dark depths of this evil abyss, I love you guys. I mean that. I know that I would love to just get a big hug from someone who understands. Earlier I was in a very bad state of mind.. one that I find myself in quite often. I was tying a cord around my neck and seeing if I could actually end it by hanging myself. I’ve tried multiple times to off myself with injectable drugs, pills, razor blades.. I don’t necessarily want to die, but I don’t want to feel this way anymore. I realize that I need to get back on meds, because believe it or not, they do help. My plan is to get back on anti-d’s, start seeing a therapist, and find some support groups to go to.. It’s hard to keep any kind of optimism at this point, but it will be worth it. I have to believe that there is hope for all of us. I love you all and wish you all the best in your recovery. Stay strong….
I wake up in the morning doing the same thing the same rutine. Im 16 and i feel like it wouldnt matter if i wasnt here tommorow, Like i have already lived my life and im ready to pass away. I dont know why i feel like this… i recently dropped out of school. Now all i do is play xbox and eat and go to sleep. My girl is pregnant she is having a girl. I cant believe im gonna be a father in a month. I know as a father i need to get a job to raise my daughter. she isnt born yet but by touching my girls belly i know she is there and it just makes me feels so good whne she kicks i feel like i got a connection with her already. i wish i can do things better. i feel so much presure.. all these thoughts in my head… i just dont want anything to happen to her… i love her….. i love her so much that i will give my life for her with out blinking. i hope nothing goes wrong.
well it was a different but amazing fact. last evening i was on my laptop surfing some thing in between in my mind there was a like some ones likes to beat me with long headed stick i dont know
the violence is going on every where, every1 is beating.
that is fear or what is ? butit happens to me
I am an idiot who resigned from a well-paying fresh graduate banking job after only working for 2 and a half months. Now I’m stuck in a rut, losing more and more confidence with every job interview I attend. If only I could turn back time. I would be willing to put up with the crazy pressure of that wonderful job. I have blown a golden opportunity and I guess people would say that it is only appropriate for me to rejoice if I manage get another job which pays peanuts. I hate myself for being such an impulsive, rash and thoughtless ass.
Like many here I have wished I was dead since I can remember being alive. I managed it better when I was younger and had ambition. I kept my life simple. No alcohol, drugs, etc. Now…I can’t remember ever feeling this completely hopeless. My husband is leaving me and my entire future that I had dared hope for occasionally is gone. I feel like a piece of garbage, bad genetics incarnate. I get very severe depression about 3 days after my period for about a week only to have turn into a raging maniacal woman about 8 days before my period. I can’t manage it, I don’t know who can help. I am losing my farm, dreams, love, and hope. I hate being here and I hate this place. I hate that other people can smile and it does not hurt them.
i hate this feeling of depression. i dont know how to stop it or how it began all i know is I FEEL LIKE SHIT ALWAYS. Im always up to something stupid and i have no one to talk to that can understand me. there is one guy. i might never see him again. but if i do i will cry like when i see my kids. i will cry. i cant help it. its killing me. im killing me. i tried to kill myself or should i say experimented with suicide for the first time it was almost effortless. it was a lot easier than sitting here crying which what im doing. its what im always doing. if im not im crying inside screaming HELP ME why wont God please help me He loves me doesnt He? YES! He does can He take me already? i fucking hate being a human i want to be an angel again like my wonderful children. well its like this depression=no interest in life.period.
This is exactly how I feel in every way. And I’ve tried suicide twice now and I’m almost to the point of no return. I know my life is good in comparison to others but I can’t seem to find the feeling to match this life I live trapped in my own body along with ever memory that never seems to fade. It’s as if I’m a broken record constantly skipping over staying happy and stuck in the sadness. I have a beautiful girlfriend a nice house and nice things but I can’t find myself appreciating it with reflected joy. I also lack the motivation to help myself or do necessary everyday things. But when I am happy it’s so short lived.
Nothing takes on any meaning anymore. This statement would seem meaningless for how many times its been mentioned, but I find it spot on. I question everything I am now and everything I was before. Nothing carries any certainty, and my soul seems to have left me behind. I used to fight this darkness with every ounce of effort I had. Now I have nothing left, as my efforts have amounted to nothing but my confusion. As I quit fighting this disease I came to the consensus that I was contending and fighting myself. Depression starts out with a innocent seed and grows into a formidable opponent the more we acknowledge it. I feel numb, and im empowered to get my life back. I want to be happier than I ever was. -zac
I am really going though this to be honest i am really 13 with a horiable life and going though depression. I also think about killing my self and im in the military ( military school ) its horiable.
I have been depressed for 4 Years now on and off…..when it first started it was the wost stage off my life …. I felt hopeless ..I had lost faith…I was very talkative and became anti social..suicial.. I hated everything I once loved people places things …I was graduating high. School and all I did was drink and cry…if I didn’t get my act together I wouldn’t have been able to graduate…because I loved some1 more then myself …and they had left mii….mii and my mom would argue all the time..in time I healed…but very soon after was broken again… the thoughts started racein…felt like the world was on my shoulder and the walls where closing… it became hard for me to breathe..and my heart would race and hurt as if sombody had stabbed mii..soon after I regain my faith life brightened for mii….slightly the suicidal thoughts are gone …though I still feel like a waste on this earth…I know that there is some people who still love and care for mii…… no maTter how many times I’ve taken my anger out on them… they are still here…so when I get in my depression I jus tell myself everthing will be fine…and slowly but surely it its …first my heart….then breathin…then the walls..Remember you are not alone we are all holding the wieght of the world …I hope I helped u guys out ..and jus remember IN TIME WILL HEAL …if I’m wrong then donald isn’t a duck lol : )
even though I’m Only 13 I am going through depression. sometimes I would think about killing myself to get away/ run away from my problems. I’m not one of those kids whose parents are divorced… I’m one of those kids whose life seems perfect, but doesn’t seem to care. my parents would compare me to how great they were before they think I don’t try my best even though I’m a class officer, and an a student. I feel like if I die… I’m sure no one would care.
(sorry But I want to write again.) when my mom would ask me what’s wrong with me I would say, I’m fine… but I know that’s a complete lie. I have a question for you. Have you ever tried to force yourself never to cry even when it comes to a point you try to scream t anyone you see? well if you haven’t hope you won’t meet me.
The worst part for me is even if one day it went away i don’t think i could be happy because of the knowledge of what these ten years of my life have felt like.. it’s as if being robbed of your life. i forgot what emotions feel like, it’s like everything has been numbed down to non-existence, the only feeling that even comes close to actually being felt is anger.. i’m angry, at people, at god – what’s the point, is this some kind of messed up test… i don’t care.. i have no dreams, what my family think are dreams are things i’ve chosen to preoccupy myself with, to distract myself from this. everything is artificial and soulless and pointless. every second is stretched out to eternity of boredom. i feel like i can’t breathe and haven’t been able to breathe for a long time.. i just want it to end already… we should all earn awards for best acting ever having to put on a happy face to please everyone around like nothing is wrong.. like every second of our life isn’t agony
I was working for the government. I had a lot of great people working with me and a few really evil ones that were in charge of me. They deceived me at every opportunity and also wrote bad evaluations for me because it became obvious that I was getting frustrated and not because of actual job performance. They were constantly setting me up for failure. Needless to say, I made a stupid mistake and they were the first in line to get me fired. This has been about a half of year now. The thoughts keep replaying in my mind when awake, when trying to fall asleep, and during dreams. This haunts me so badly. I have tried anti-anxiety meds from the VA but had an adverse reaction after several days into treatment. I am fighting my termination and have a lawyer via my membership that does not seem to be doing his job nor does it seems that he cares.I know I am depressed. My eyes feel heavy and I seem to get sick easier, am achy have heavy eyes, and am fatigued. I have tried just about everything and it seems like time and patience is the only cure. I just feel so badly for my kids and wife. I just have not been myself for such a long time. Thankfully, I finally got a job but which had been very difficult since my previous employer had smeared me so badly that no one wanted to hire me. This has been the hardest thing I have ever gone through. I just know I have to hang in there and move on.. It just seems so hard to do. It is like insanity. They have tried to destroy me and have almost succeeded.
I have suffered with anxiety and ocd for the last ten years, my father died a year ago and i think now all of a sudden it has hit me. Its almost like i have been removed from myself and i am questioning and observing everything about my own mind and personality. i feel as if i am going mad. i dread waking up in the morning as i know i will feel it all over again, every day is a constant struggle and i have it in my mind i wont live for very long at all. I have irrational thoughts of killing myself or loved ones and it literally cripples my entire body to the point where i am physically sick. nothing makes me happy anymore, even family who once meant the world to me now just make me angry. I have lost ‘me’ i am alien to myself and i dont think i will feel normal again, i have this vision of doing awful things to others or myself and the outcome. My head constantly hurts, my stomach constantly burns and i feel as if no one can possibly understand this feeling that something awful will happen, i just want me back and i dont think that will ever happen. i live my life in fear and dread, this isnt living. i dont want to die but im afraid to live like this anymore, i didnt know a human being could feel so bad, does it ever end? help anyone please give me a response if you know, i cant do this anymore, and for all of you who have posted on here, try to hang in there, we’re in this together, i hope for us all we find some kind of normality again.
what’s weird about me is that I am 14 years old and I think I have depression, but I act really happy around people and nobody really suspects anything wrong. I am just wondering if I am making this up in my head, do I really have anything wrong with me? I just don’t know if I am suppose to feel like this? Usually I feel down at night, the darkness and silence creeps up on me and I feel I am aging too fast and nobody cares. Like if I died (hypotheticly) would anyone notice at school? I get this feeling in my stomach and I feel like life is passing me by. Does anyone else felt like this before?
During my last severe episode, I had the cymbalta ad going thru my head: “Depression hurts!” The last episode was so severe- worse than I’d ever experienced- that I actually did physically hurt. Part of the reason was that I could not sleep for 3 days straight. My body ached and was weary. My eyes burned. I managed to go to work, but I really don’t know how; I burst into tears at any given time. I sobbed- actual, heaving sobs- on the train. Ugh. I had urges to bang into walls and trees, or bite/scratch/cut myself, just so I would be able to tell if I was still alive (thankfully I did not do any of these things).
I didn’t know that the constant sadness I felt was already depression. In my country, depression is not common.. or perhaps not popularly recognized. So we often dismiss loneliness as.. well, momentary loneliness. But I have been feeling lonely for quite a while now, about 3 months. I don’t like getting up because I know that I would only feel as sad as yesterday, if not worse. I haven’t smiled genuinely for weeks now, and I could not also cry, except when everyone was asleep. My head feels heavy, everything doesn’t seem right. I am beginning to feel that dying is the only way out. I’m scared that I wouldn’t amount to nothing and so I just want to escape having to experience being unsuccessful. I don;t know if this will pass.. I hope it will. I just want to be happy again.
I don’t feel like anyone could understand me. I feel that if anyone even tried they’d end up like me, and that is something that no one can allow, because I am like poison. I avoid people now. I pretend for a second here or there to make people think I’m OK. Don’t ever want anyone to know the pain I feel. I try not to look at people so as not to transmit my self hate and pain to them. I see the rest of my life living alone. Never understood. Never loved. Never anything more than someone else’s experiment gone bad – waiting only for the courage to put it to an end. When I’m alone I’m always thinking of suicide. I guess one day I’ll kill myself – I’m sorry if I will hurt anyone’s feelings or disturb them by my suicide. I’m on an anti anxiety drug, and two anti depressants, but I don’t feel anything will solve the problem.
My boyfriend died in a horrible car accident early August 2010, we were planning a house warming party on a Saturday and on a Friday he went out with his friends the next call i received was from the police telling me that he was involved in an accident, few minutes later i saw him dead on a hospital bed! my life died with him! i do not know why am still alive, am thinking about suicide everyday, i miss him so much and i cannot stop crying. i am so alone and i want to die. He was the life of my life, i miss his laugh, jokes, kisses, hugs, voice and everything!
Depression, feels like ur body hurts and u feel weak inside and the outside and u don’t think that no one loves u and cares for u, and u feel a like a loner. You don’t feel like urself anymore.
I am 22, I was diagnosed with Bipolar disorder when I was 15. I have only had one manic episode and way more depressed episodes. I thought that I was over this, I have been taking medication, but I just recently started feeling the black whole swallow me up again. It seems to happen suddenly. One day I wake up and I forgot who I am, I lost my soul. I am empty and blank. It seems like I have no thoughts going through my head, except “how am I going to get through this day”. I wake up every morning hoping it will be better than the day before, but when it isn’t I panic and start to think about killing myself in different detailed ways (hopefully the least painful). The suicidal thoughts haunt me, they just pop into my brain, and then I think about my fiance and how disturbed he would be and my parents and the rest of my family and my best friend. It really sucks because if it weren’t for them I would just do it and get it over with. I am sick of getting better and then sinking back into this depression. The worst part for me is the social phobia I get. It’s like I cannot function around people. I feel like such an idiot and I don’t know what to say when people talk to me. I have no words. Also, I feel like I am not going to be able to do my school work and my grades are going to drop and I won’t be able to get into grad school and my life will just fall into shambles. I just can’t think! Its like I have this fog over my brain and the only thing I can think of is “oh, I am so depressed! – please god help me” or “I want to die, but damn it I can’t because everyone will be sad and think I am selfish”. This depression is all consuming and I can’t talk to anyone about it because they don’t understand. All I can say is I’m depressed and then if I go into all this detail, I feel so pathetic! This website really helps to know I am not alone. Thanks all for your posts except the asshole who posted a porn link on here and the post about how we should all just kill ourselves.
I am not seeing a doctor or taking anything right now but everything on this list describes me and its scarry. What makes it worse is that I am a single welfare mom who (before i had my daughter) high hopes about being so successful that i’ll never end up like this and look at me. After 5 years of trying to get my GED (Fail.) and one whole year of being turned down by jobs, not real jobs, waitressing; i personally feel hopeless right now. Its not all in my mind ONLY its whats happened to my life. I am 25 years old. Never expected this.. Cheers.
Hmmm…well I’m 19 I don’t really know who I am anymore I feel like I’m in a deep black hole I can’t escape…..past events that ripped me apart and it’s still tormenting me. I feel like shit almost everyday, the sun makes me moody I hate myself my skin just ruined my self confidence. I can’t even bring myself to look in the mirror because my face just angers me, I hate this planet this world is suffocating me not forgetting to mention the government etc..all basically full of shit, I often get anti-social had crappy people who were supposed to be my friends. Oh geeze my family do not understand! they think my depression is not SERIOUS I mean wtf!, this may sound actually will sound really fucking insane really severe I felt like killing my family actually all humans I’m not kidding but I know it’s bad for feeling this way so as long as I know it’s bad then its less likely I would be harmful towards my family and human being’s right?…..idk I have anxiety attacks I actually diagnosed it myself why? because my doctor is a total dimwit!…and anyway I feel suicidal like most of the time, my soul is suffering I can’t take it anymore…and now I don’t feel like writing at this time, I might feel up to it later on. Thanks
Depression? I have lived in depression for years, some times, I feel I am going mad. LIke Virginia wolf, i always picture myself walking towards the endless darkness of water, with stones in my pocket, followed by silence….silence…What is this life about? I have no idea. I had tried to channel my energy to something I loved, teaching, dancing, but at the end of the tunnel, everything falls into pieces of silence….
Where is me?
Depression is killing me !! Where and when is this going to end !! Will it ever go away ?? I have a wonderful wife and a beautiful little daughter. I don’t want to life anymore, it’s to hard and i’m very tired of this constant suffering. I HATE this live !! Who’s is this GOD and why is this happening to me ?? Sometimes I hate Him. I’ve been to 3 doctors and tried 5 different kinds of meds. Now what !!?? I am worn out, I just want to cry and die in my sleep. Why do we have to suffer like this? I do not deserve it. Hating my being since birth.
what about depersonalisation and derealisation, what sucked is i was being abused at home, and THEY took me to doctors, for ADD of course, I was helpless. I didn’t even know. Even when I did, *I* had problems, *I* had to deal with them, nothing around me changed, and I felt more helpless. Why bother when horribleness surrounded me anyway…
Even now, I’m one person on the outside and another on the inside, it’s like I’m cut off from the inside of me and there’s no getting back, there’s a whole life that I feel like I cant get to. That’s on the OUT end of depression, when I’m well capable of fighting back, I feel I’ve failed, I’ll never be free of the scars mentally and emotionally, I’ll never get my teenage years back.
Although… I am happy, content, all the things it takes to be whole. It’s now a 55% vote, the depression team sure to lose. Dont stop until YOU are president, so to speak. I hope you understand my meaning.
I started feeling my depression come along when I was 14. I’m 17 now and things have only gotten worse. I have mental thoughts about how I’ve failed in my past years, in school, sports, relationships, my family, and life in general. At school all I can ever think about is how if I don’t keep trying I’ll always be a failure. And as hard as I try I never seem to impress anyone or progress. All my school friends have started to neglect me, like I don’t exist or as if I was the loser of the group. I’m never invited to hangout anymore, so I just sit at home all day either smoking, or outside skateboarding by myself or with an acquaintance. Skateboarding and smoking are really the only things that help me bypass all my problems. But when the drugs wear off or i come home i feel useless to everyone. My parents always argues, scold me about school, compare me to siblings, talk about how they work all day and i just sit on my ass doing nothing, even that not being the case because I help out in the house all the time and expect no reward. my mom constantly says if i don’t do better she’ll leave me with my dad. Who is emotionally dead to me. Whenever I talk with him its always two sentences, or a meaningless “hey dad” and no response from him. He also loathes the fact that I smoke which is probably why he dislikes me. My mom always talks to me about how we’re barely able to pay bills and how its a “sacrifice” to lend me 5 dollars or so for anything including food. Her saying that makes me feel like I burden her by asking for anything. I usually save my lunch money to buy pot to pass the weekend and then return to school with nothing new in my life. I can’t afford anything which stops me from being social and hanging out with my so called “friends” at the mall, movies, or ect… another thing that makes me feel depression is that I haven’t had luck with any girls in months. every time i start to feel like someone understands me or that we could possibly be, something bad happens, nothing specific but bad things just happen and I end up not speaking the girl ever again becoming complete strangers, like we all are. I’ve also started to see everyone as a “fake”. All their thoughts and emotions that they portray to me seem “made-up”. I never take anyone seriously when they speak to me about being good friends because deep down I feel like its all an act. My tastes for food have also gotten strange. I barely eat because all the food I look at seems dull and prolongs my emptiness… about a year ago I was hit by a car. After that day I’ve wondered “if I would have died that day” would it have mattered? would anyone have remember me? or would I be gone in every ones memory within the week?” I just feel like there’s no point to the whole process called life. We’re all just coincidence, and that there is no god. And thinking about all these things drive me crazy and sometimes I can;t even cry because I know it does nothing.. because no one hears me… no one actually tries to help me out or talk to me about my problems. They all see a happy skater kid who always smiles. One of my friends also pointed out that I never look depress because I’m always smiling. And to me, when I smile I feel as though my lips are the only thing on my face moving and the rest is an emotionless mess. The only reason I never speak out about this is because the truth causes too many problems, and every one has too many of those so why would I burden them with mine. So I try to spread a good vibe.. but its all started to blow up in my face, and I can’t handle it much more…
One month from today marks year 4 since one of my best friends in college died in a car accident. I feel I’m on the edge of severe depression. It’s as if there’s a really dark cloud living inside of me and no matter where I go, no matter how happy I feel at a time, that happiness is fleeting. I ALWAYS feel the presence of depression. I try not to focus on it because I’ll have an anxiety attack. I hate living in constant stats of anxiety. I hate living life feeling detached, just going through the motions. I tell myself every day that tomorrow will be better, that I will FEEL better the next day. When that day comes, I don’t feel better. I have lost the hope of feeling better. I honestly don’t remember what it feels like to not have this gloom inside of me. Sometimes I feel crazy. I feel that way to the point where I actually tell myself I’m not ACTUALLY crazy. I still feel it though. I feel like people can see the dark cloud inside of me when they are by me or near me. I don’t want to be fake but if I show who I am with depression no one will want to be around me. I don’t want to be around anyone anyway. I only want to lay in bed, turn on some soft music, and rest. Quiet. Alone. Deep breathing. No one there to judge me for sleeping so much.
I just don’t feel RIGHT.
for me everything is going great i am doing very well in school, i got into the college of my choice, I just got a car, also i just got a new job, and i am reaching huge goals i set for myself. but within this last year i just feel sad all the time any more
by being sad i piss myself off because i have everything going for me but it feels like i was meant for something else. help would be great if anyone has advice.
i have basically every one of those symptoms written there. I have problems but ont any specific that make me feel this way, been trying to work out why but I can’t but I feel alone and get annoyed cause noone seems to understand how bad It is, and I Am scared also too scared to go to doctor and tell her this kinda stuff when I hardly know her. so Dont know what to Do. I can’t even explain how I feel but all the above comments are definitely true and I lash out At small things and then cry
There were various dot points to which i fully understood, and am experiencing.
I feel like i live my life behind a glass window, wishing, pondering, hoping that one day i would regain the strength to break the glass.
Days are hazy, dark and forgotten, words are mumbled and unclear and your existence is unacknowledged and insignificant to the rest of the world.
NOBODY listens, let me put that out there.
I spend nights tossing and turning in a damp, salty bed. I’ve given up on tissues- its a waste of trees.
I would like to say, thanks to the 300 something people who have shared their thoughts and experiences, made me realise that i’m not doing this alone.
Good luck, chin up
I just wish I could live in my dreams. My life is so nice and I’m happy in my dreams. I wake up and I’m immediately sad. I just know that life is a pit of wasted efforts. I’m never happy. Mostly because this world is a terrible place. My main problem is I’m empathetic towards everything and everyone, so sadness just flows through my veins.
I am a 20 years old mother of 2.and my untreated depression has ruined my life.I cannot stop the feelings of my fiance cheating and it has affected our realationship to almost ending.Some times i think of giveing my kids to my mother just to keep them safe from seeing my emotions because all i can do is cry all day long.I feel that if I cant get it in control i will lose all 3 of them.I get so mad at everyone around me for no reasons at all.I just cant stop myself from being lost in my thoughts and reliveing all my tragaties again and again. Depression has ruined my whole life.
18 years of depression.
…
To me it feels like all the following below.
*like nothing in the world is as it should be.
*Everything feels morally wrong.
*I don’t know the real me (since i’ve been depressed as i could only describe as from birth.
*Depression feels like it has it’s own personalty and is the person in control of my body.
*Like there is no point in tomorrow because it will end in two ways.. it will fade as a usuless memory or be remembered for the only memorys you have.. (bad or no emotion at all)
*Social phobia
*Axiety
*Crying at things normally people can handle
*being extra sensative and get REALLY annoyed by people when they say ‘it was only a joke’ because you know they have never felt the pain or have the self doubt you have in yourself and they act like it’s nothing
*Or feeling annoyed at people who say they are depressed or say ‘Kill me’ over something so silly and it’s like a 10 second sadness they have. Nothing compaired to how long you have had depression.
*Feeling like everyone is so dumb and think they are a waste of space
*Feeling like no one ever understands
*Finding it annoying when people tell you to be happy or tell you that your angry or sad.. (yeah no s*it sherlock)- again with thinking their really dumb.
*Feeling like your closed in your comfort zone (bedroom) or (house)
*Feeling like your being watched (paranoya)
*Feel like depression is a dark energy in you that is progressing with every word a person speaks
.. so may more and i’m sure these are probably meaningless because i can’t explain ANYTHING at all because of depression making me have social phobia so not talking to hardly anyone..
Ohhhh and another feeling of it is feeling like you don’t want to chang because you feel like you have a good aspect on life seeing things that others don’t and being scared to be helped with pills or something because you don’t kow if you’ll become a completely different person or be like everyone else..
This has helped a tiny bit of expressing what i feel of depression in my own opinion
even if this doesn’t get posted
hmm :/ i’m meant to be phoning the doctor about it tomorrow.. hopefully depression won’t hold me back or make me fear help again this time.
I loved your list…I never identified with the eating/sleeping stuff list – I was one of the ones who couldn’t get out of bed, but I just had “stuff I had to think about before I got started”…until my 4th grade daughter had to come and beg me to get up. The “impending doom” and the “suddenly surrounded by really irritating people” were much more central to my problems, and are still my bellweather symptoms to tell me I need to adjust my meds or just be more aware of my state of mind. Excellent resource!
I am 15 years old, and I have had depression since 4th grade! But, recently, it has been getting violent, constantly thinking about killing myself, everything is dark and I don’y feel anything, I can’t even walk outside by myself, I’m so afraid all the time and I feel like I am dreaming and nothing is real, at all! This is all a dream I can’t wake from it feels like, nothing seems real or touchable. It’s even worse when I’m alone though, I feel like something is going to attack me and I constantly think I have cancer or I’m going blind. I really truly think that…and I don’t know why, but, I’m scared and I feel alone, will this ever pass?
I just hate feeling like this. Hope these anti depressants make me feel better. Today is the start of my third week. I have noticed a slight difference in my mood, but mostly during the day. Insomnia and clenching of my teeth at night are a few of the side effects from the drugs. I also get tremors in the early hours of the morning. At night it knocks me hard. I will get in my car and just take a drive around the block or just take a walk through a shopping mall. Just to get a change of scenery Driving around I constantly feel judged by everyone. I find it very difficult expressing the way I feel. At the moment I feel unloved even though I know I have people around me that love me. I overanalyze every situation. I sometimes cannot control my “don’t care attitude”. I realized I needed help after I didn’t pay one of my bills (even thought I could afford to). Just thinking it’s too much of a bother. Scrapping energy together to drive down to a supermarket just to pay a bill was a clear indicator. I am in a severe state of depression. At first I thought it was my relationship but then looking back my depression was the cause of the breakup. I started cutting myself of from the rest of the world, one person at a time, finding it more and more difficult to make small talk. I think my ex girlfriend felt unloved. Don’t really blame her. She still makes contact every now and then. I actually feel extremely sad for how I am currently treating her. Trying to get her to stop contacting me even thought I miss her. I just find it very difficult dealing with that reality. I don’t think she will ever be capable of understanding this. If something bothered me instead of facing the reality I moved the problem out of my life. If something threatened my reality I would get upset. I think my self esteem has been shot down by the depression. It is really sad how people just don’t get depression; they think it makes you weak and uncanny. Actually dealing with depression is one of the most difficult things you can do. You cannot talk to 99% of people because they think it’s something you can just snap out of or fix with a few drinks or something. That’s the sad part the stigma associated with depression. I have done weeks and weeks of reading, studied the medication, studied relationships and just watched and listened to people. What are keeping me alive are the people in my life, the odd SMS and the facebook comments. Thank God I realized that it was not something I could deal with on my own. As difficult as it was I did speak to specific people that where mature and intelligent enough to give me advice. I know there is hope. I just need to break free. The most difficult part is time. Good luck to everybody. Never stop, never give up.
ive been really depressed. all the symptoms are positive in me. everyday seems like living in hell. my life is ruined. my family is crap. my lovelife is crap. and my school life is ruined too. i feel like i want to die. everything seems wrong.
i am now 18 yrs old. my depression started when i was still in 3rd yr highschool, so about 3 years ago, i was broken hearted by someone who really didnt even know i like him. i have a lot of admirers back then. but then little by little my life is ruined. i go cutting at school, and then as the time passed i became unsociable, lucky i still have my bestfriend but i dont see her now anymore because i dont go out the house. i just go out the house only when malling, or going to church. now im supposed to be 2nd yr. college. but because i feel like i really need to relax and chill about life and also got lots of failed and dropped subjects and so i stop college. i though i will be able to treat this depression of mine if i stay at home. but then my life became more miserable, my family wanted me to still go to college but i cant tell them that my mind is so ruined and complicater. they got totally mad at me and now it feels worse to hear stupid and bad things from them, saying im stupid, worthless person, dumb, im crazy and lots of other bad words. and now, everynight i go cry in my bed, thinking why did this all happened in me. i want to go back 3 years ago when my life is still in peace with no worries, not being parannoid of everything. some pls build a time machine
i wake up every day and i just want to die. nothing gives me
pleasure anymore. i never go out the house, trying to hide myself from those people of my past including classmates and admirers back then, coz i feel like they may now judge me for being not pretty like i was before. i got thinner because i feel like i dont want to eat. my head is blown. my family get on my nerves and i just want to curl up
and sleep and never wake up. i’m so tired. yet no amount of sleep can
take the tiredness and lethargy away. i think about my death all the
time. i feel such a failure and useless. what is the point in living?
I’ve started seeing depression as an ocean of dark cold water. And I’m a bird, sometimes able to stay above the water, in the warm air and sun, but other times, I fall under the waves, where it’s cold and dark. The wetter I get, the deeper I fall into the water, until it’s black and icy cold. Somedays I can keep my head above the water, somedays I can fly – and be happy, warm and free. I fear falling back down, I fear changing medication because I know the water is waiting down there.