What does depression feel like?

Image: Dolce Far Niente by John William Godward
Dolce Far Niente by John William Godward

“It was not really alarming at first, since the change was subtle, but I did notice that my surroundings took on a different tone at certain times: the shadows of nightfall seemed more somber, my mornings were less buoyant, walks in the woods became less zestful, and there was a moment during my working hours in the late afternoon when a kind of panic and anxiety overtook me…” – William Styron, Darkness Visible

Sometimes the Depression Self-Screening Tests are just too clinical, and the symptoms don’t really “click” with you. Some of the criteria are general, and if you’re suffering from depression, specifics are easier to understand.

I know that I might not have diagnosed myself with depression just on the basis of those symptoms. I had no change in appetite, and no sleep problems (getting out of bed was what was difficult). Below are some un-clinical symptoms.

    • Things just seem “off” or “wrong.”
    • You don’t feel hopeful or happy about anything in your life.
    • You’re crying a lot for no apparent reason, either at nothing, or something that normally would be insignificant.
    • You feel like you’re moving (and thinking) in slow motion.
    • Getting up in the morning requires a lot of effort.
    • Carrying on a normal conversation is a struggle. You can’t seem to express yourself.

  • You’re having trouble making simple decisions.
  • Your friends and family really irritate you.
  • You’re not sure if you still love your spouse/significant other.
  • Smiling feels stiff and awkward. It’s like your smiling muscles are frozen.
  • It seems like there’s a glass wall between you and the rest of the world.
  • You’re forgetful, and it’s very difficult to concentrate on anything.
  • You’re anxious and worried a lot.
  • Everything seems hopeless.
  • You feel like you can’t do anything right.
  • You have recurring thoughts of death and/or suicidal impulses. Suicide seems like a welcome relief.
  • You have a feeling of impending doom – you think something bad is going to happen, although you may not be sure what, and/or…
  • …You have a very specific fear that torments you constantly.
  • In your perception of the world around you, it’s always cloudy. Even on sunny days, it seems cloudy and gray.
  • You feel as though you’re drowning or suffocating.
  • You’re agitated, jumpy and and anxious much of the time.
  • Your senses seem dulled; food tastes bland and uninteresting, music doesn’t seem to affect you, you don’t bother smelling flowers anymore.
  • Incessantly and uncontrollably into your mind comes the memory of every failure, every bad or uncomfortable experience, interview or date, like a torrent of negativity.

You may also be interested in:

How Depression May Affect Your Life
What is Depression (and What is it Not)?
Reflections on Depression
You Can’t Fight Depression on Your Own
My Experience with Depression

Please feel free to post your comment about what depression feels like. Please do not post:

  • Questions about depression and how to handle it. Go here for that.
  • Comments on how you think it should be managed, including finding God.
  • Requests for other people to email you.

Also, please do not include “triggers” in your comment. In other words, do not include specifics of self-harm or suicidal plans, as this might trigger someone reading your comment.

Please note that comments are moderated – if you post a comment, it will not show up until it is approved, and this can take a few days. Also, please note that I reserve the right to edit comments, in terms of removing anything that I feel is inappropriate. Don’t bother to give me grief about freedom of speech – this is a privately funded and managed website.

Archived comments in response to this article can be found here.

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Depression Diagnosis

2013-01-12 15:26:02
deborah

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What is Depression (and What is it Not?)

2012-03-02 01:39:01
deborah

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2,158 Comments

  1. I’m tired, and sleep does nothing to help it. If anything, sleep is simply a short respite where I can lie down and not worry about thinking or wondering if other people are judging me because of how I look or what I wore. I always doubt myself. I don’t feel anything and life is so bleak. In those times when I’m happy, it slips right between my fingers when I realize its there but then it disappears so quickly I have to question if it was even there. I rarely cry, because that just leaves me feeling even more empty, because when you cry away the sadness and there’s no other emotion there, you’re left with the emptiness and nothing to feel. Its hard to get out of bed when I just think I’m going to mess everything up and be a failure. I feel like a poison to everyone I know because it seems like I’ve hurt everyone in one way or another, even when I just wanted to help them. I always think that I’d be better off dead. I am weak and worthless and stupid. The things I’m passionate about are about as pointless as my existence. I can’t eat like I used to. I always yell at myself whenever I eat something, even the smallest snack, and its not like I’m even overweight. I’m hardly 100 pounds. I don’t know why its such a problem. Other times, I feel like I don’t deserve anything. Whether that be food, gifts, my friends, my boyfriend, I often think “I shouldn’t be getting this, this is a mistake, someone else deserves this”. I even think that I’m too incompetent to love correctly, that I can’t express it, and I never take compliments well. I feel like I just take advantage of everything, and I truly don’t mean to. I hate myself and I believe I am a terrible person that needs to be punished. There’s like a voice in my head that tells me these things, and I dont know if its just me telling myself the truth, or what. Sometimes it whispers and sometimes it shouts, and its hard to pull up a smile with that in my head. I feel useless and insignificant and like I don’t matter, that it wouldn’t make the slightest difference if I were here or not tomorrow. Too many times I walk down the hallways at school and l look out the oversized windows on the second floor, thinking about what would happen if I just jump through the glass. Despite my friends and family being there, I feel so alone, all the time. I don’t know if this is just a teenager thing that will go away soon, or if its a real mental illness, either one I’ve developed or one thats passed down through my family. Several of my family members have bipolar depression, and I’ve always wondered if I have that too. I can’t have it, because I am supposed to be the one to actually graduate high school and college, to make a living and be this awesome person, and they put so much pressure on me to do all of these amazing things, and I don’t think I can do it and I’m just going to end up disappointing everyone. I’ve been feeling like this for over a year, and I still question whether or not its really depression. I could merely be sad. I could merely be blowing this way out of proportion. I could merely be asking for attention. I feel lost. I feel like I am asking for attention. I don’t want to be a burden. I don’t know if I’m actually hurting, though it feels like I am. All I know is that I’m tired of feeling this way.

  2. One minute the day seems normal the next I just feel sad. I try to talk to my mate or my family and i feel like I am not making sense, like I am speaking I another language. I feel like I have been here so long that it has because normal. I feel like people think…oh there she goes again…I can’t seem to connect with anyone. Even old friend, my mate, my mom, my sister…I try to tell them…buy I feel like they don’t need my problems when they have there own. I know people care but I just don’t feel it. I feel lost and sad…all. the. Time. My chest feels heavy. I am anger or irritated at work or turning family event. I tell myself I need to do this…or that. That all is fine. My life is good. I have a home. Food to eat. Someone who loves me. But I still feel like I am alone. When I read it feel like there is a wall of glass between you and the world ….it really it home. Very day. Sometimes I am able to connect but it is so rare…I long to be happy again and feel good about how I am and what I do. To connect with people around me but it just seems hopeless.

  3. I thought I was getting better. I am half of a pair of twins, both young ladies. We are the youngest in our family, almost 10 years apart from my two older siblings. My mom and dad have a very exhausting and draining life, although they are warriors in strength and faith. The oldest child in our family, my brother, had a lot of trouble with subtly corrupting peers and destructive authority, and eventually was brainwashed by a college professor to run away to the college. He was completely gone from our lives until recently when he graduated and needed money. He left when I was 6, and resumed minimal contact when I was 14. I won’t say much more, but I will say that I can see the crater it bores into my parents, especially my mom, everyday. My mom has always had depression and probably other undiagnosed mental problems (she refuses to spend money on her own care) from traumatic childhood and extreme stress as a constant throughout her life. My brother, I think, made her passively suicidal, although I never noticed until I too developed those thoughts. She has always come across as someone who is doing her best and living on for mainly or only these people: her husband- her anchor on earth and the first person on earth she could rely on without worry; her children- to whom she has a fierce maternal instinct that goes so far as to tear her apart from the inside in her desperate need for them to live the best life they can, and to whom her soul is unraveled torturously in face of her children’s struggles and rejection; and finally and most importantly, God- without Who she has said she would not be here, without Whom she would have long since lost hope, and with Whom she tearfully and desperately relies on, because there’s nothing else she can do. I suppose the older I get, the more my mother’s situation becomes more clear to me and the more guilty I feel for having caused a great deal of trauma and mental damage in my own foolishness and even in things I can’t control, and I wish so strongly to take some of that endless pain from her. I guess she has become a trigger into major depressive disorder episodes, as horrible as that is. The thought of my brother even can make me bawl on great days, too, though. I thoroughly believe my soul will refuse to go to heaven without him going too— for my mom and dad, and all the others who he doesn’t know love him more than their own salvation.

    Now that I’ve embarked on that (albeit relevant) rabbit trial, I’ll get into my own story and reason for being here. Me and my twin sister were a perfect storm for mental illness to brew, since we had genetics on both sides of the family for mental disorders, including our mother. We were born with an obscure disability on the autism spectrum, somewhere between autism and Asperger’s. It’s called Non-Verbal Learning Disorder, or NLD. However, that wasn’t diagnosed until we were almost juniors in high school, and we were thought to be likely neurotypical by everyone until then, which is where other damage and problems inevitably came about as a result of being expected things we were not physically or mentally capable of doing. In elementary school we were both bullied, although it was more in the form of rejection and being disregarded up until 3rd grade. Then it became more cruel and hurtful. I recall being called names constantly, and being teased because I didn’t understand things the way others did and I never got any of their “cool kid” references or pranks. Kids would frequently feign interest and friendship with me and my sister in order to mock us for being so gullible and trusting, and to get more info to use against us. We were bullied for going to church by students AND teachers, and were sometimes called disgusting or incestuous just for being and acting like twins (i.e., holding hands when insecure, always staying together since we had never been apart, and dumber things like sitting together and walking together). The very last year was the catalyst that started two new disorders: sever anxiety disorder and OCD. My sister was manipulated and bullied to the point that she completely fell apart as a functioning human being. It’s hard to describe the change, the absolute lack of reference from anything anywhere for her behavior, and the specific kinds of things that showed us she was no longer the same person. I think the best word to describe her problems is object anxiety and OCD association. As young as we were and unaware of how to cope, there was no way to prevent the downward spiral. I became the punching bag for what used to be my best friend and sister, and I know that I was severely emotionally, psychologically, and even physically abused by her until it lessened by freshman year of high school. I became her bodyguard, her protector, her shield against the world, a stress ball to squeeze and a punching bag to punch when needed, of both my own volition and against it. I wanted to shoulder her burden, to make her better, to unlock the world for her again. But all that ended up doing was adding Major Depressive Disorder into the mix, which ended up being the last ingredient for a perfect storm, and one that has been raging since it came. She kept falling deeper into the hole that opened up underneath her, and I kept jumping down after her to either pull her up or to use myself as cushioning for her fall. It was driving us and our parents into a mental house. One year we went to a camp called The Wilds where my camp counselor talked to me alone after one of the last and most convicting sermons of the week. I firmly believe God talked to me directly through her, and I can still vividly remember the feeling of being yanked from drowning in a stormy sea, from nearly touching the sea bed to breathing the clean air again; the feeling of a huge and crushing weight suddenly being rolled away. For the first time since elementary school I was skipping and singing to my cabin, with a real, not fake-feeling smile that wouldn’t leave my face. But my sister only got worse. There was no counselor to give her the epiphany to rise out of doom, no conviction that was followed through into change. So while I determined to get better so that I could help my family properly, I felt guilt as I knew my sister felt betrayed and abandoned. I was now, to her, becoming one of the people who don’t understand, who don’t know what she’s feeling, or how hard it is. These past few years I’ve given all my strength into trying to inspire her as I was, but ultimately I’ve been forced to accept she may never recover like I have, and she may have to live with our parents the rest of her life. I have watched also, as I matured inwardly more than what other my age would or should be, and how I’ve learned to contain it, since attempting to comfort someone older than you (my mom) or someone struggling more than you (my twin) with y’all that sounds like a therapist is usually more infuriating and “know-it-all sounding” than it can come across like legitimate and experienced advice. That part is also usually rather subdued emotion-wise and calm, which is usually not great in emotional situations. I know I shouldn’t let myself be a martyr and that ultimately I can’t live and recover for my sister or take away my mother’s pain, but it still eats away at me just the same. Oh, there’s so much more I could say about my sister, so much more I could say about my family, the trauma we’ve suffered and the way people have used and abused us, the few (2) friends who have been such a massive relief and source of love and support, the anxieties and the specifics of the years as my family dealt with the severe mental illness that spiked up and down through the years, the ups and downs and coping and the mistakes, but I’ve practically written a stream-of-consciousness book as it is. So here’s where I’ll bring it back.

    I thought I was getting better. I thought that now I was someone who could focus on saving others instead of myself. I thought that I had finally left the darkness for the light. Yet here I am, sitting on the floor alone feeling like I’m being suffocated, like I’m being waterboarded. Like my body is somehow being magnetized to the earth’s core, and my being is being pulled there by it. Like there’s no hope, no chance for breath, no chance for a break before we ourselves break. I firmly, even on good days, believe that a ton of problems would be solved if I had never been born, although there’s no possible way to undo that. I would never attempt suicide, although I have tried many times when I was younger—my mom caught me once and the scene that resulted made me determine to never end my own life— because I know that would probably end up with my family following suit, one by one, until those left were broken beyond repair and hope. But I do regret my life, and I have no qualms taking punishment. At the same time I know nothing good will come of sitting to myself wishing in vain for the damage I have made in the world to be undone, and the best I can do is soldier forward, if only for those I love, as much as it hurts to do so. And yet here I am today making the same exact mistakes I have been making, word for word and action for action, since elementary school, unable to differentiate what is my mental illness and what is plain old laziness and disobedience/deception and pathetic-ness. Still making my mom cry when she sees how little I have accomplished and how unmotivated my illness has made me. I’m a broken, pitiful, deadbeat who is dragging others down with me. I thought I had escaped my horde of demons, but I had only outran them, and when my guard was down they returned, hungry and howling. December and January are the worst months of the year for my entire family, and this year it seems almost impossible to bear. I don’t know what to do to be strong and productive for my family, to cut off my brain’s constant stream of debilitating tv static and DO SOMETHING, to give them relief. Right now I can’t stop it, and I’m useless. I keep trying to rely on God like all these amazing testimonies and stories and verses talk about and profess of success, but as much as I pray for forgiveness and help, I can’t see or hear His answer, and as much as I try to get back to being close with Him, the situation is always stronger and louder than my feeble ability to hear His voice. Not to mention that my only prayer for the past decade has been to bring my brother back to a relationship with Him, to ensure my brother is destined for joyful eternal life in heaven, it seems more and more like God just doesn’t care about him. I don’t know what else to think. I don’t know what moves to make if I must do something, since I might lose him for good, and I have not seen any signs that God wants him back, and it is making it hard for me to have any faith at all. I don’t even have it as bad as others, but it’s still so hard. And outside of my family, the world is constantly falling apart, and mankind is constantly tearing each other to pieces and everything is so confusing and gray. I just want some peace, but there doesn’t seem to be any that will come before it’s too late.

  4. i wish things would go back to the way it used to be. i don’t feel like I’m the same person anymore. I’m not trying to be a cliche’ or any of that shit, but things have changed so quickly. i used to know exactly who i was and what i wanted to do with my life, and now I’m not even sure my life is worth living. i remember last year, in 6th grade when i could practically see it in my face that i had depression or something similar, because a regular 11 year old didn’t think the way i did, or spoke the way i spoke, or found beauty in things that were considered flawed to the general public and the rest of society. I’m now twelve and i realize, i don’t think i had depression, but maybe now i have it. i used to be so scared of becoming a bad person. a person who didn’t “feel”.
    a person who didn’t care anymore.
    a person who had given up!
    a person who acted on rage instead of passion.
    long story short, i used to be afraid of who i was going to be, because i am slowly but surly starting to match these descriptions. i was so scared of becoming this empty husk of a being, but now… now it too late.
    i would say I’m scared of who I’ve become, but I’m not, and that is part of why i say I’m “unfeeling”. i say it because I’m no longer filled with fear, happiness, a hope that maybe things will get better for people like i am now. now, i just feel empty, and sad, and angry; but these emotions are all shallow. they don’t seem to be directly connected to ME anymore, but someone else. its like a puppet show, where the puppets are just there to show action while the puppeteer narrates. i feel like i don’t have control over things. I’m just empty and fine with it. i guess i still do “feel”, but like i said, it doesn’t seem genuine. it feels like its muscle memory to be angry, and sad, and i have to remember to smile and use my manners. those were all things that used to come naturally to me. not anymore i guess. i also just don’t FEEL like I’m getting heard, and listened to carefully. i can’t even remember the last time that after a fight with my parents or my sister where someone has come over to me, comforted me, told me things would work out if i believed they would,& really deeply just took in what i have to say without wondering WHAT WAS WRONG WITH ME! but oh well. see! i can just shrug things like that off now. i don’t even care, and i mean it!
    this shit used to scare me so bad that i would cry until my tear glands dried up. now i don’t even give it a second thought which was what used to scare me. and now, i am alone.

    if you know how to help, and i am desperate. my email is below; and, yes i am aware that its not smart to put one’s e-mail up on the internet, but i know i need help, so please don’t abuse my desperation through spam e-mails or other stupid shit. just help.
    colettesieder@gmail.com

  5. My dear fellow strugglers, thank you so much.I know very well that sharing these feelings is not easy, mostly because it feels like a enormous although useless effort..but reading your comments made me cry very hard, and suddenly the deep sadness came to the surface, where only feelings of numbness and tiredness were.Perhaps I cried more out of self pity than compassion for this deep pain we all share, but nonetheless I feel less alone, wich might as well be called a miracle,because amongst the self loathing and selfish thoughts of death has arisen a slight feeling of gratefulness, and so of light in the dark nothingness that is my constant compagnon. I sincerely wish you luck in battling this demon that is depression, and that love may find it s way back to you 🙂

  6. It just started a few days ago, somehow everytime I think of something,I just start crying, for no reason, it’s not sad or anything I just cried. I watch sad drama everytime and I don’t really cry when I watch them but now somehow it just make me cry so much. I don’t know what is wrong with me I just feel sad all of a sudden.

  7. I was with a girl for 2 years deeply and madly in love with her but she had trust issues and previous abuse issues that constantly got in our way and it started making me feel like I wasnt good enough or worth her full love anyways that idea made me trapped in making her happy removing people from life cutting friends off very toxic relationship due to the trust issues either way we finally decided to try therapy for her and take a small break before moving back in together she stated she loved me and a few days later she blocked me and I found out she had been going to bars with men and had let me go me being deep in love real love I was gullible and let her string me along on the idea that she loved me and things would work out a week after she left to america and got into a relationship with another man a few days before she left she met in secret with me and told me she loved me and held me and ect ect then I find out 4 or 5 days later her true intent and the depression kicked in majorly she wanted to move away and had been stating she wanted space and not to be with anyone that she needed to learn to love herself but it was all lies to soften the inevitable blow she was giving me, now I can barely sleep there is a constant aching weight in my chest and an obsessive mind still somehow attached to our connection that feels like its bleeding. I want to die but I want to live, when im alone with my thoughts they dont stop thinking about her and the pain everything sucked I tried making myself laugh but for weeks Its been faked like im numb yet invisible fighting an unseen battle under my skin my head feels heavy and its hard to breath sometimes im doing my best now to forgive accept and move on but the memories and how we wanted to marry and have kids just to be lead on and left so quickly realizing the love wasn’t real for her destroys my emotions and the chemicals in my head making me feel this are evil I crave happiness again it makes me feel so worthless even when others point out what they like about me im constantly reminded of how I wasnt enough and that my anger got the best of me I forgave a lot but what she did to me I can only try my best to forgive and move on and grow and love myself once again like I used too

  8. Hi I am an older male and this is how depression affects me. I used to feel happy, excited over many things, the coming of spring, a nice sunny day, planning for a trip, seeing my grandchildren working on my hobbies. then my life changed dramatically I know longer felt excitement the seasons came and went (no real feelings), now I have to push myself to go to work I have no feelings except for sadness and anger, I keep doing things that used to make me feel excited but now theres nothing, no tv programs i like to watch nothing pleasurable to fill my day, I am existing only, its hard to describe this to others, I would much rather have a physical injury or illness. I tried medication the last one was effexor but it took away my only two emotions of sadness and angry it made me an emotional eunuch. My wife does not understand, doctors really do not understand and they feel uncomfortable talking to me about depression and are quick to prescribe medications and do no follow-ups. people say that there more tolerance and they are more open minded but many still feel that you can just snap out of it. I found it very difficult and embarrassing to get help and still feel there a stigma associated with mental illness.

  9. Some times it feels like I don’t make a mark in this world let alone anyone I know. I always feel like if I don’t shine or do something amazing I will be forgotten. I always try and keep my self from losing my grip on things. But, I keep it all bottled up only letting out small trickles of sadness to my significant other.

    I just feel like i’m alone and no one will hear me no matter what I say or do. That is why I get easily angered when I am brushed off or told, “You’re overreacting”

    My family is poor and whenever I hear that we won’t have utilities or groceries and worse rent not being paid I want to cry but I can’t I have to “suck it up” It’s in my nature to worry and I am doing my best to get through college and not be poor. I just feel like nothing will change and I will remain poor.

    All these worries and feelings I have are unnerving and I never know if I can tell anyone because I don’t want to feel like a burden to anyone. But I feel like I die a little inside each time I have to withhold things.

    Thanks for listening.

  10. RANDOM GOOGLE SEARCH BLAH BLAH. HOSPITAL MEDICATION FAMILY MOTHER FATHER NOTHING WHO CARES. NO JOB WHO CARES NO NOTHING WHO CARES JUST WANT TO KILL MYSELF AND ANYONE NORMAL WHO CARES

  11. Where do I start? I’ve tried to explain I before, I can really only describe it a few ways though…

    It’s like your drowning and people are talking to you under the water and you can’t really hear them and they annoy you because you can’t hear them. And you can’t seem to learn how to swim or even float no matter how hard you try and you feel like a failure and you come to the conclusion you can’t do anything yourself and that you are horrible- it continues until the waters embrace feels so good you just want to let go…

    But someone is holding a hand out underneath the surface now, and they’re offering it to you. “Grab it!” They seem to say “I’ll pull you out”

    And you reach for it only to find your A little to far to grab it and you struggle forward because you want to be normal and you want to be like everyone else- to not have to wear a mask with a fake smile.

    And you grab their hand some how and they pull you above for the first taste of air you’ve had since you can remember and you continue to constantly want more, so you fight until you have all the air you could want.

    Only to slip and fall back beneath the water. Feet no longer on solid ground…

    My friend once described it as;

    “Depression sucks. Its just this never ending sadness that follows you everywhere. Its like this big, dark demon that holds you by the edges of your lips and refuses to let you truly smile. And it’s like you’re trying so hard to get that demon to let go so you can ask for someone to help, its like it’s drowning you and your struggling for air and he’s just pushing you further and further down into this dark body of water until you suffocate. And if you’re lucky, you can hold your breath long enough to float back up and breathe, but some people aren’t lucky enough to swim up from those demons. ”

    I have a bit of advice now, I know it says no advice above but I think it’s ok… cause it’s more poetic advice that I hope aspires hope within all who read this…

    “You can make it through this, your stronger than you know yourself- I know you don’t want to believe me right now- but you can do this.

    You have just found your demons and they all have taken on the appearance of dragons. You know exactly how to banish them, but you need a sword to banish them… But you don’t yet have the materials to build that sword.

    Take these words I give you and begin to craft your sword. You may only need a few months to craft that sword or you may need a few years. Either way every compliment, every gift, every achievement, is put into that sword until it’s strong enough to fight those dragons

    But for now I want you to march down to the kitchen like the princely-soldier/knight you are and I want you to collect some snacks for your journey.. and you must eat some now for strength…

    And then you take all of the compliments you can think of, all the happy memories, everything good. And you write them out and build your sword.

    And when your sword begins to fall apart, and you think you can no longer ward off the demons you read through the book. The book that now holds the description of your siblings innocent smiles, your pride in graduating kindergarten, the taste of the chocolate cake at your best friends party…

    Leave all the bad things behind, you siblings now smile sadly? The book DOSENT want to know leave that out and write the way the smile looked and maybe even why it was there. So you fell down and scrapped your knee the day before graduation and couldn’t wear the dress you’d wanted? No, tell about INSTEAD the pride you felt in your accomplishment, did you get something special because of it? You aren’t best friends with them anymore? Don’t bring it up, relish in the good times and the party games you played then

    Write another book composed of the story’s of pent up anger and sadness. But you lock that book away and only bring it out when you have more to write that book is the one you confine your fears and tears in.

    This is where your demons go.

    My words may have only given you a knife to slay your dragons, but allow the words of others and the happiest memories to build it into a sword.”

    So you need to make that sword, and you need to build it sturdy… I have faith in you- even if you don’t have it in yourself…

  12. I recently traveled to Turkey on a vacation with my family. I had such a good week there, but on the flight back home this empty feeling just took over. There was this guy working on the hotel, that I never had a conversation with, but the only thing I want with my life is to go back, and meet him for real. When I think of my future it is grey and to me it will end up as a black hole. I go to a school where I was so happy to be – before. Now the thought of starting my old life again is so hard to process, simply because it’s something I really don’t want to. Right now I’m stuck in my room, watching this cooking series, and doing NOTHING. When my parents tell me there’s dinner, all i want to do is, to bring it to my room, because I just want to be alone. I have never had a depression, so I don’t know if that is what this is, or if I’m just sad for leasing a vacation, trying to start up my old life. But I’ve never been so sad, and never cried so mich about my situation as i do now 🙁

  13. so lately i’ve been worried about myself. i’d say the last 6 months i’ve been worried about myself deeply. i’ve had all of the symptoms stated ever since I was 14, but like I said lately i’ve been noticing that i’m not ok, I want to get help but I know I will face criticism, & that will make things worse & I don’t want things to get worse. I have 0 emotion, yet i’m always gloomy. I can’t smile, I can’t be happy or laugh, idk what is wrong, so I finally looked it up & have all of these symptoms. I listen to music constantly though, it seems to help me alot. it is a relief to know I possibly have depression, but it sucks. I never knew i’d get like this

  14. now that i have read some of these posts, i feel like i now understand what am going through.Am always hopeless,lonely, tired, moody, angry, feeling worthless in front of anyone as they even don’t wanna see me, i don’t even have the exact words to describe how I feel. just so tired og everything around me. I’ve been murstarbating every day for the last 10 years if i can remember, I don’t know, it’s the only thing I feel like doing to cater for my emotions and thoughts.I don’t even remember having a friend/s for the last decade,I have poor memory,concentration and just to lazy to work on anything. I overeat and sometimes just experience complete loss of appetite and right now,i don’t even see myself anywhere in the next couple of years.

  15. This has helped me realise I AM depressed. I had a bad episode of dep last year- profound sadness especially Sunday afternoons,frequent anxiety attacks that left me sweating, and a world covered in shimmering grey… I did not want to see anyone. Mixing with people was painful- I felt like an outsider all the time. Then I was better,( with help of Ginsormin),but now I just feel helpless, nothing to hope for, bouts of low grade anxiety… that’s depression, too of another kind… Been reading a bit about reliefs.. going to try cod liver oil. I do not want to stay in this state for the rest of my life

  16. To me it feels like constant drowning into nothing and I always feel to drained of energy to live life and have any emotions whatsoever.At the end of the day its always easier for me to not feel anything than feeling all the pain inside me.I have felt so numb for months now.I feel isolated from the world and completely lonely even if I´m with people…I have nobody to talk to about this, which ,at this point, is all I ask for.All I want is one real friend who I can trust and talk to without them screwing me over and judging me. But I don’t have that friend that I so desperately need and my anxiety of talking to anyone surely doesn’t help me make friends. There is no-one I can talk to about my problems and I don’t see another way out unless…well…death…but I couldn’t go that far, even if I want to.Its not like I haven’t tried cutting but I don’t want anyone to see my scars and ask me about it, because I simply can’t talk about it.

  17. I’ve been dealing with these feelings for years now. I am not diagnosed with depression although I have been experiencing these symptoms for a while now. Some days I have absolutely no motivation to get out of my bed, I feel sad, irritated with just about everyone, I have this constant worry that no one actually likes me and that none of my friends ever want to hang out with me, not to mention that I just get so mad at myself that I start to hate myself. Some days it’s just too hard for me to get out of bed, I usually will just lay there, feeling empty. I just feel like I have nothing good to offer in this world sometimes and I just don’t know what to do.

  18. i feel like i cant even describe what i feel like
    i feel like someone close to me has died, ive never experienced a death in the family but i imagine it feels like this
    my best friend decided she wanted nothing more to do with me and my boyfriend decided he doesnt feel the same way about me, and i feel like im never going to find anyone again
    i thought i was getting better
    i feel like substances will hide my feelings but it really just makes everything so much more unbearable and forces me into an emotional relapse again
    i forget how bad i react with drugs
    i feel like ive never really been happy. i dont know. im scared. i have a lot of anxiety attacks but the strange thing is i dont get an overwhelming fear of dying but rather of living. like im terrified to be alive. i cant tell if its a nice day or not because even tbough the sun is shining and the sky is cloudless and the birds are singing, the sky looks grey and i cant tell if im crazy or if it is really grey
    i dont know if its seasonal, the situation, a major episode, my period or the drugs too but when i stay away from drugs nothing improves. i forget that while nothing improves, everything gets worse under the influence.
    i feel so alone.
    i feel like a burden to everyone for being sad all the time and i feel the need to genuinely apologise for it even though i know its not my fault, but it causes others issues. im at the point where im so frequently tearful nobody really checks up on me anymore because they expect it from me
    im just really sad and im scared its not going to end because its been 4 months and i really dont know how much longer i can go on like this

  19. I don’t really know if I have depression, but it’s the only thing that can describe what I’m feeling right now an for the past few weeks. What I’m feeling is like I’m uninterested in anything anyone says, I want to be alone but I also want someone to relate to(but I can’t because I’m scared of how they might react), it feels like an elephant is sitting on my chest 24/7 and I’m losing my appetite. I used to eat a lot but now I’m skipping meals and eating less and less as the days go by. I always have headaches and everyone seems to make me mad nowadays and it’s not okay for me to blow up on my family members the way I do. Are their any ways to help stop depression without going to my parents and speaking about it?

  20. I went through a bad depression about 25 years ago and with medication I came out of it. About a month ago it hit me like a ton of bricks. I prayed I would never feel like this again. The anxiety is the worst part. I feel like I swallowed a vibrator that I can’t turn off. I worry about everything especially money. I just count down the hours till I can take a (prescription) sleep aid and go to sleep. I sleep about 6 hours and wake up with the worst feeling and horrible anxiety and the the vicious cycle starts again. It’s a constant feeling of hopelessness and despair. I would not wish depression on anyone.

  21. I’m experiencing some depression, well I think it is or it is just a horrible part of my life I am going through right now. Everything has changed and I feel uncomfortable. I moved in with my boyfriend a couple of months ago and left my mother which I am so close with. My mother has depression which made it x10 worse leaving her as she relied on me, since I have moved out I constantly worry about her, she hasn’t been sleeping, eating much or anything. I’ve also started a new job as a carer and I am so unhappy because I just know it’s not what I want to do for the rest of my life, I don’t know I just feel trapped like I’m waiting for the pay check and oh yay it’s another month of working in a nightmare. I hate the staff they are all so 2 faced and it’s just not a nice place to be. I left college last July and since then I hardly socialise with anyone, I just feel so alone. My partner isn’t back from work till 7.30pm and somedays I work afternoons and nights which means I’m in allll day trying to kill time and forget how crap my life actually is. I go the the gym to make me feel better but I always seem to binge which makes me feel better but makes the situation worse. I used to be so fit and so strict with eating healthy which I used to enjoy. Now I feel like I have no interest in it all anymore or nothing is worth it. I feel lost really lost and I don’t know what road to go down. I’m only 19 and I think I wasn’t ready to move out. The most depressing thing is I feel like I’m living life as an older woman, always cleaning, working all the time and isolating myself (I also have a social anxiety disorder which makes it harder for me) I really don’t know what to do.

  22. I feel like everything is hopeless and there’s no real reason for any of us to be alive. I constantly feel like there’s like a monter or ghost idek trying to get me. I can’t walk outside at night and it’s even growing into the day. My body is always low on energy and in pain and everyone has become annoying and almost intolerable. I’ve been loosing portions throughout my day like I don’t care enough to remember, someone will tell me to do something and I either don’t do it or do it wrong because I just don’t remember. Everything feels fake and it’s like I’m watching the world as a tv and i almost forget I’m actually in certain places or at school and it’s not just a movie like oh yea this is real life. I struggle in school now when I used to be an A student; it’s just F after F. I can’t talk anout this cause no one understands. Everyone tells me to just change my perspective but I can’t. This is how everything is everyday. I’m completely irritated by any noise but for some unknown reason I have this constant ringing in my head that never goes away and the quieter it gets the louder the ringing is and I just want to rip it out. I just can’t stand anything.

  23. I don’t know if people are still posting on here but i have been feeling down for a bit now. like im alone, sad all the time and all i want to do is cry for no reason. i use to listen to music as an escape from life but now, i listen to music and it doesn’t feel the same. i try to listen to my favorite artist and nothing. its like im just there.i don’t feel like eating, i know i have to and i do but. i see it as something i have to do. there are moments in which i think im fine and i feel like everything is back to normal then the next second im lost and i want to cry and cry. i try to keep my mind busy by going to the gym, reading,work, school, watching tv, or pretty much anything that will distract me but when i stop for a second then im back to feeling that way. that’s no me, i don’t want to keep feeling like there is no more hope left or that life sucks. i just want to be me again.

  24. i have lost interest in everything i thought i liked, i’ve been living a fantasy for so long and living a life that i can’t even call life. i find only sleep the best part of my day, im so miserable and so lonely. i see nothing in the future for me, it all seems so hopeless i’ve been sleeping in class because i can’t get enough sleep and plus whats the point? i will become a huge lowlife that won’t succeed in anything. the only thing i enjoy is watching films. i don’t want to socialize with anyone at all. i feel no enthusiasm in anything, nothing really cheers me up, always got a blue face, i can’t even make a convincing smile.

  25. For me, it just feels like I cannot find any reason to feel joy. Everything seems so meaningless. I feel like I am all alone, kind of like I am always in the bathroom- very isolated, cold, alone, and private. I guess everyone just envisions it differently. I also feel so empty and like I have no one that I can trust or that is there for me. It ends up making me think about the meaning of life and I can never find one. Life seems too repetitive and every single thing seems so meaningless. I also feel so unmotivated and avoid things due to this.

  26. I don’t have the urge to cry, but mostly everything else is definitely me. Substance use, feeling completely pointless and like I am a joke. I’m lonely and the last man I was interested in was lying to me and seeing another woman and somehow it went bad because of me. I still can’t quite figure that one out. All I want to do is sleep. I don’t want to go to work and I am normally a very social person but have stopped all social activities. I really don’t expect any responses from this post, but maybe, just maybe, I’ll feel better just by clicking the submit button.

  27. I’ve never related myself to anything as much as I did with whatever you’ve mentioned. But, how to fix this? how to go ahead like this?

  28. For me personally, depression feels like a warm, fuzzy, heavy blanket warming my chest, sometimes shoulders, making me want to just go to sleep again and again. It also doesn’t feel at all negative for me. I’ve had depression since I was somewhere between six and eight years old, and I’m now in my teens, so it’s a familiar and sometimes welcome feeling. Depression has a way of quietly convincing you it’s your friend, and also tries to make it so that it’s your only friend. It manipulates your thinking into these negative things, bringing up cringe-worthy memories and reminding you of every failure, never letting you smile at a memory. You sometimes feel like constantly crying for little to no reason at all, and sometimes you start taking it out on yourself one way or another. The people close to you may or may not know, and either way it feels horrible and you’re never happy with either option. You just want to feel happy for longer than a few seconds or minutes. You want to go to a theme park and feel happy and giddy hours or even days after the trip, and you don’t. That’s what I feel with my depression, even as I take my meds, but it’s not the end, no matter how bad it may get. Maybe your life is hell constantly, maybe you’re poor and struggling, maybe you’re the average joe, or even some rich man’s kid, who knows. What I do know is that depression isn’t a choice. Your life could be perfect, with unicorns and rainbows and whatever else, but if you have depression, those rainbows and unicorns will seem dull, almost grey-scale in your eyes, because you can’t seem to enjoy them. Don’t judge someone for being depressed, or crying a lot, or not enjoying something. Sometimes they don’t have a choice.
    Sorry for the long paragraph
    SS

  29. Yes, I feel suffocated and detached – like everything around me is in grey. I feel like I will go the rest of my life without knowing what it would be like to experience real happiness, as any time something good happens to me, I can’t help but feel hesitant about it – like I don’t deserve it. A feeling of impending doom.

    I feel like everyday, I’m just going through the motions. Sometimes, I’ll start thinking that maybe things aren’t so hopeless after all – maybe I can pick up a new habit, or maybe I can try making some do-able SMART goals to change some parts of my life RIGHT NOW. But then, sooner or later those thoughts go away, I can’t sustain them, and I’m back to drowning in this reality, with what feels like less strength than I had before.

    But what’s weird is that I also feel like depression and anxiety are just who I am – like without them, I’d be a completely different person, but I’d lose what makes me ME. I do appreciate that I’m a very reflective person (even though sometimes I reflect on things too much, to the point where I begin dissecting and worrying about them), and I like that I can analyze things internally without simply jumping to conclusions – I take in all sides.

    But then again, for the most part I’m not sure that I even KNOW who I am. I’m devoid of personality, and indecisive. Hopeless. I feel like I need someone else to guide me through life – a mentor, or a sensei. It’s just so hard doing this alone…

  30. What if I only feel people are annoying sometimes,too self-conciuos,no confidence,suddenly cry with no reason,don’t don’t feel like leaving my house?

  31. The only way I can describe depression is on-going, like a path with no destination. You used to find the world beautiful, but now it’s merely a place where you have to tolerate until prince death wisks you away. You used to think of death as darkness, something to avoid; since life is darkness, maybe death is the same- minus the hopeless bullshit of those fake smiles or those people who still expect you to be the extroverted life you used to be, minus that melancholy feeling when your trying to be the person you used to be- but it doesn’t feel like you’re floating on clouds like before, now in feels you’re staring at your bedroom with that grey solumn feeling of darkness that you always feel, like your wings have been snapped, like you never knew of the concept of gravity until now because you feel like you’re sinking in a hole. Smiling feels weirdly unnatural. The world has no more wonder. Maybe if this happens, this feeling will go? It happens- you still feel the same… the sadness lingers, maybe it’s apart of me now. You know it’s the end when you find yourself taking risks without a second thought; this body I’m trapped in is worthless, let my soul float through space. Physicality is a desease. I’m melting.

  32. Every morning i wake up i have no feelings or ambitions. I cannot get up and start the day in a reasonable amount of time, i don’t even have a day to start i haven’t been leaving the house for anything really in over 5 months. I want to cry and let all the pain out but i cannot. All these ideas run through my head everyday of why i can’t do this why i can’t do that, once i catch myself thinking that negatively i try and make it better and think of something i could do to help myself but i can never take that next step. I don’t want to be lazy, i want to get up and go do things but i can’t. the idea of ending it crosses my mind everyday but i rather sit here and wither away than end it, i don’t think my family would ever recover if i did something that serious. I have so much love to give this world and the people that inhabit it but i can’t seem to show them my feelings, i can’t express myself at all. I don’t know who I am

  33. my kind of depression relates to social life and a job with lack of passion…

    social life
    – i have social-phobia, scared of what other people think of me when they first met, their negativity towards me, if i irritate them and not kind enough… im not good in social nor making and keeping friends.. i have few friends.. im not good at groupie.. and i always withdraw myslf from a group or a good friend.. this has put me in a depression until today.. which somehow opposites to my childhood life..

    passionate in career/job
    – personally i took the wrong job when i started my career.. the place was promising.. and i tot of challenging myself to be a good writer.. i ended up hating it.. as i did not know how to manage the work.. till it made me depressed up to 4 years.. i easily fell sick, i had no mood to go to work, i hate the place, the people, the bosses etc… i felt that everyone was against me.. which it wasnt since depression took over my happiness…

    depression had taken over my life.. i was alone.. was afraid to voice out my opinion.. talking to people.. depression is not a good feeling at all.. i feel the pain inside my chest.. and always makes you cry w/o reason.. you are unable to express yourself..

    but im getting over these two things.. slowly.. and it’s progressing and people obviously see me happier than before.. i somehow.. slowly treating myself to get over this depression.. tho sometimes i cry alone…..

  34. life is a bitch … but i ll fight for it cuz i believe that nothing lest forever , yeaah i think i’m that hopefull person ; we go down sometimes but we deserve to live , we’r here for a reason a believe that too ; everybody have problemes but u need to move on so u can bre ath ;think everything have a key u just need to find that key ..

  35. Depression is such a horrible disease. It gives me near constant terrible headaches which feel like a pressure. It causes me to feel in a daze a lot. And the pain..I can barely lift my arms because I feel like a weight is on them. The world seems like it has slowed down if I look outside at the world and my world is like I’m in a cave, or inside a bubble..a bubble of drowsiness and emptiness. Evenings and night times are VERY painful as the darkness is heavily triggering for some reason. Something about the quietness and black causes psychological pain.

  36. I never realized how many of you are suffereing like me. It sort of helps to know this. The wrong therapist can do such damage to sensitive souls like us- so PLEASE be careful and listen to your inner self. There are those that can help- but be careful they are few and far between.
    There has to be a beginning to get better. Take small steps until you feel comfortable right? Maybe being around others that feel the way you do is helpful for a while.
    I cannot be around most people in general because they seem to want to hurt me constantly. I believe that the world is filled with a majority of evil selfish narrsacistic people. I ask constantly, why? Why do people hurt others? I couldn’t hurt a fly and I would never treat others that way.
    I am afraid and in pain and the last thing that I want to do is be around ignorant selfish people.

  37. I feel trapped like I’m drowning and it’s hard to breath it comes and goes. during the day I feel ok tired and irritable at times but sometimes happy but it’s really bad at night when I’m alone ecspecially if I’m stressed or sleep deprived I feel overwhelmed like i need to escape but I can’t. I feel isolated and I want to be social but when I’m around people i get anxious and want to be alone. I don’t know if I’m really depressed because there are times I feel normal.

  38. I’m sick and tired of life already I just don’t know what to do I’ve lost my company I could remember the time I could smile and doesn’t take everything in me to do that those were the time everything was going smoothly for me oh I could remember how me and my friends Hangout together and jist about a lot of things but everything changed when I met this guy if only I could turn back the hands of time I would change it back to the time that guy asked if he could be my boyfriend then I would have said NO but unfortunately I can’t I really love this guy and I thought he loves me too but I was wrong he claims he loves me but it was a lie I never knew and I was doing everything for this guy he will ask me for money whenever he’s broke and I will give him this guy never did anything for me but because I love him I don’t care to cut the story short I found out this guy was trying to kill me then I have no other choice but to run for my life because me and the guy are in the same institution I have no other choice but to drop out of school that was how my misery started my parents were so disappointed in me that they use everyday to curse me now I want to go back to school but my parents are not ready to support me they’ve already given up on me now I don’t have money to pursue my education and because of that I use everyday to cry hoping for a miracle to happen

  39. Depression to me feels like living a constant battle with my emotions that had no way out. I’ve been depressed for several years now. It came out of nowhere for no reason so by the time I knew what was wrong with me, my life was already controlled by it. At first it was just mild with a few days where it got bad enough to interfere with my life but still nothing to serious. As the years continued to pass I noticed it became constant with the severity usually mild but occasionally worse. I was deep into my depression before I realized that who I was and how I acted were deeply affected by my depression. I felt like a shadow of my former self, and any effort to change my situation fell in vain. When I finally attempted to reach out I was shunned, ignored, and called a faker. It was difficult enough to convey any feelings on a daily basis, but this made my frustration, anger, and anxiety spiked. Now joy was completely gone from my life. It wasn’t long before I started crying myself to sleep, something I had been fighting doing for a while. Going to bed was torture, because the one place where I thought i could escape my thoughts became the place they cultivated best. My already poor sleep became worse and turned into constant restlessness. Every day I have to wear a mask to get through the day, and use all my willpower to get just a fraction of what I need to get done accomplished. I’m tired , lonely, and frustrated. I just want my life back, to feel joy again, to have peace of mind, to stop being a rainbow in the dark because of my depression. I struggle towards a future where I see no happiness for me, where I’ll struggle for the rest of my life until I’m lucky enough to get old and die in my sleep.

  40. I know nobody would bother to read this long story about me but I just wanted to put it out there. I’ve been depressed for two years. I always thought about killing myself, that the world would be better without me or that I am not someone special. Sometimes when I have a bad day I go to my room and cry. Saying that I’m a useless person or that people hate me. So much negativity going through my mind and causing me this pain. I remember going to the kitchen to get a knife to cut myself thinking that I can relieve the sadness in me but I heard one of my family members coming so I quickly put the knife away. Whenever I think about doing something bad I cry in private and try to calm myself down, I always try to put on a genuine smile when someone talks to me. My trust has been broken, people leaving me, and getting betrayed so much has caused my depression. There’s times when I talk badly about myself, I sometimes always try to encourage myself. But sometimes that encouragement ends up in me saying something negative again like I’m always going to be alone. I can never find someone who can actually talk to me. I’m usually quite at school and I don’t have that much people to rely on at school cause I feel as if I don’t belong there or that everyone hates me. I told one of my friends (since the other one is harsh to me an I don’t know if she’s messing around with me) what I was going through and told me herself that she has gone through depression since her parents got divorced. She told me that I needed to speak up like she did. So I did with my mom I told her that I have been depressed for 2 years and I have felt like killing myself. And she’s telling me that me playing video games is the reason why I’m depressed but I kept telling her that it’s not. Its because I feel like crap at school, my trust has been broken multiple times, and people leaving me. And she still kept saying that and I was getting pissed off so I left looking all red eyed. But even so, I feel like opening up made it a little bit better but there’s times where I get so sad I start to talk bad about myself. 2 months later and I still feel the same. I’m thinking about talking to my mom again knowing that part is going to be hard. I just hope the future me will be happy. There is more but it will be to long. But if you’re going through depression speak up I know it’s hard but always encourage yourself to do it.

  41. I am just tired of my life….i feel like i have no one for me…everything looks like fake…everything…family friends…everything…i just want to finish all these things..i just want to kill myself….pls…someone help me to die…i want to die…but i am scared….just kill me….i will be very thankful if anyone do so

  42. i do not know whether i even have depression though i can very well relate to the hopelessness mentioned above by the multitude.
    I hope not to get away from this vicious cycle of self loathing and self pitying for i’ve been nothing but a poor failure all my life. i’ve failed my mother who has been striving to remain a pillar of strength in our sorry lives despite suffering in silence being married to a most selfish incompetent and insensitive human being whom if called an insignificant moron and nincompoop would be still an understatement of this century. But I for all my so called sense and sensibility with purportedly better cognitive ability and talent am every bit dull and incompetent as my sperm donor. I’ve given her not an iota of peace with my own sordid state of affairs. I’ve lost control of my self belief and due to this am unmarried and too glad for it too.
    My feelings of utter despair and forlorn pity seem wholly justified as richly deserving for my perennial state of under achieving fearful nature. I suffer from severe and chronic ache all over my back and off late been having too throbbing headaches and stomach discomfort is something I’m born with already. I do not wish any respite if at all this is indeed an affliction or malaise, Since I rather accept and even welcome this affliction as justified punishment for being born such a weak, meek and worthless human being. Forver I hid back behind the facade of being lazy while in truth i knew I’m born without any skills for even basic survival. If not for my doting and adorable family and my fear of causing them further aggravation through killing myself I somehow am able to banish momentary thoughts of suicide which seems like such a welcome relief from this agony. I feel like a caged animal withering in fright dying a slow painful death terrified of some impending doom. So much so that even a light in the end of a tunnel will evoke in me terror of an oncoming train’s headlight. Just how far can a human life be laid to waste, I do at times wonder at my own absolute worthlessness. I am the sole breadwinner for my family now and am in a meagre way able to provide for them. But they being richly deserving hath been yet cursed to be fed by a lowly cretin like me!

  43. I think I have depression, I always feel my head doing things for its self automatically, I try to control my head but sometimes I can’t, always feel as someone is controllig me…I kept it secret my parents don’t know about it,I feel bad,I feel like stranger,I feel hopeless. I get angry very fast,and even tried to kill my self…when will this thing end.I don’t care.know can save me from this even God him self can’t save me…

  44. As sad or as angry as evryone is!! Yes its sad but thats life we still have to live a happy life and show this bastard it aint winning!! Some ladies i know it will be hard but we are doi g it for the youngen’ens vote cancer!!!!!

  45. Sometimes I just feel like dying and leaving the world because it’s just so annoying to be in the world and feel alone all by myself I’m also getting inferiority complex now, I feel like nobody understands me I get annoyed easily now unlike when I was happy my life suddenly changed drastically from great to bad and I wonder, how can a 15 year old such as myself feel so much pain and loneliness

  46. I’ve been feeling depressed since like a year ago I feel like the world isn’t the same anymore and that my existence is not acknowledged I try my best but end up failing I’m only 15 years old

  47. Having depression, feels like having cancer of the soul. It eats at you everyday, taking just a little bit more of you. Real depression there is no cure, everyone always jokes about people taking there happy pills, well guess what there is no such thing as a happy pill, as those with pure clinical depression can definitely tell you.

    Much like cancer, the only medicine is pretty much pure poison. It might make you feel a lil better, but the side effects are tremendous.

    Its like being trapped in a nightmare, where you constantly pray to just WAKE up.

    For some its like fighting a war, or battle every minute every day of your life.

    Its like being down 100-1 in the first inning of baseball,and having to fight out the rest of the game.

  48. Sometimes I feel really bland and just empty. I end up wasting a lot of time distracting myself with things like TV. I feel like time goes so fast sometimes, while other times I feel like it goes so slow. I get really stressed when I think about my lack of sleep and free time, and it makes me think that I will have less and less time for anything in the future until my life is just a busy, working, stressful mess. I guess the word for it is “suffocating”. I think the most important thing about my depression is that I’m not always depressed. I laugh every day, cry every day, and think every day. Sometimes, I even feel like my mind is older than my body. I question existence and purpose, why things happen to some while not to others. I can’t begin to describe how vast my mind is. Sometimes my head hurts from thinking so much. I consider myself lonely, not because I don’t have friends, because I have been blessed with many. It’s just that no one else thinks as much as I do. I feel like no one understands me, you know? It’s just like that woman from ancient Greece, who saw the future (the Trojan war), but no one understood her or believed her until it was too late.

  49. I feel like the world will always have better than me and I am easily annoyed other people besides family and friends. My kids are still young and they do not live near me anymore, I still stay in contact but I just don’t feel right. I’m stacked high in bills and I fear there will never be a way out. Every time me and my wife have one bill freed another takes it place. I joke and laugh and have fun anywhere I go, but on the inside I feel like wasted space. Is there anyone out there that feels the same way I do and can help, I don’t want to keep living like this I would love to be as happy as I was before.

  50. You have become boring and useless to everyone including yourself. Your morning list of reasons to live has become impossible to write. Death has become the only one you care to welcome to your day. If you weren’t so tired you would find a way to end it.

  51. I didn’t really notice it at first, things just seemed off for a while, i was diagnosed with depression in secondary school but after a few years i felt i was better, but looking at it now I’ve just been hiding from it, if i’m sat next to someone and they move their knee away or anything like that i go into full meltdown, i assume its my fault and that i’m poison and they hate me and wont let myself touch anyone for days, everything seems hopeless and i just end up crying not wanting to move fearing ill contaminate anything i touch. Sometimes it feels like suffocating, like i can’t move or breathe, other times its like its not me in my body, like i’m there but i’m behind a wall not in control, not able to talk or move or do anything. As a student i drink alcohol so i don’t take anxiety medication anymore as it doesn’t work with alcohol and i know given the lifestyle i wont not drink, even if i intend not to. I just feel alone all the time, which means when i get close to people i don’t want to let them go, which inevitably smothers them and not before long they leave. It just feels like i’m in a constant loop, that i’m spinning and i just want to stop, i just want to breathe again, and be able to laugh, really laugh and feel real excitement and happiness without having it dampened seconds later by my own thought and fears.

  52. I’m 22 and am feeling a bit done. I’ve tried depression meds, anxiety meds- they don’t work; they simply make things more foggy and harder to think. I can’t sleep. I have trouble eating. The thing about family and friends really irritating you is on point considering mine have resorted to not talking to me at all. I even joined Christian Mingle because it was something new- stupid, stupid decision. I’m at a loss. I’ve talked to God often, believe me, but most of the time I feel like he’s left me for dead to carry on with my own devices. I can’t afford a counselor- I even tried talking one into taking me in and they just didn’t respond. My life has been a consistent stream of screwing up when I’m trying so hard to do the right thing- you have no clue. So, that being said- sure give some advice, but I think I’ve had just about all of the advice in the world, and nothing has been said that has been helpful to my situation. But I can at least let you try because in my eyes there’s no hope anyways.

  53. My depression feels like a secret I keep from my self. The longer I live with it, the more I give in to it, the more ridiculous it has become, and the more ridiculous I feel I look to others. My depression is a trickster, a mean clown, and a molester of my identity. Allowing me to believe I am worthy of sleep, wine and laughter just long enough to set me up for failure and shame. My depression was there all along, unnamed and living in the pieces of me that didn’t know they should be anything else. Now my depression clowns and laughs at my attempts to name it, tame it and know it. My depression is stronger, more patient and even crueler than me.

  54. I am 24 yrs old and have dealt with severe depression and some anxiety since i was 14 years old when i was raped by my first “boyfriend.” i grew up with my adopted by my uncle (brother of my mother) and aunt (by marriage to my uncle). she made me “cinderella” like everyone i am close with likes to remind me of. i turned to marijuana, alcohol, and cigarettes when i was 17 years old whilst i was sneaking out of the house being a rebellious teen. i now have 3 beautiful boys and a husband that loves me through all of my flaws no matter what. i just had our last baby by emergency c-section on august 4th, 2016. he has downs syndrome and is our last since 3 was our max, so i got my tubes tied. i was so happy tho up until about a week or so ago and i cant help but be scared that my past is haunting me again. ive woken up with bad dreams and thoughts have popped in that havent been there since before i was pregnant with my littlest baby. im so scared and i feel like my husband doesnt understand how scared i am about it even tho i have talked and cried to him about it…i know the original post is old, but depression is always there getting the best of perfectly good, and amazing people. i refuse to let it get the best of me this time!

  55. I don’t know if i have a depression, but I know I feel sad and alone. Nobody cares about me, I don’t know why I keep living, there is no point.I don’t want to get hurt anymore, I don’t want to be lonely, but people always hurt me, nobody is there for me, everybidy finds me annoying and attention seeking if I stop my all positive act. I hate this world,I hate that I can’t get away from anyone,start a new life. I HATE MYSELF. I am young and I have all these chances, but I choose to stay home, eat my emotions of and make my life even worse.Everyone keeps letting me down, I can’t deal with nobody being there for me. I just can’t.

    1. Would it help if I told you that your job right now is just to make it through, one day at a time? And that someday, you WILL find someone who will care for you, and that it DOES get better? Try to remember that it’s just pain, and that it may not MEAN anything – don’t follow your “why” thoughts down that dark rabbit-hole. Just do the next task, and don’t worry so much about what will happen even a few hours from now… but try to do just a little bit of what you need to be doing – if nothing else, it will give you something to feel better about (“I may not be able to do THAT, but at least I did THIS.”). It can be as small as taking care of yourself by brushing your teeth. This may seem silly, but there were times I had trouble even with just that…

  56. I’ve had depression for about 7 years now, but, for the past couple years, things have been getting harder and harder to bear. I’ve actually thought about going to a therapist, but I’m not good with words. I don’t think I can explain how I feel with words at all. I know exactly how I feel, but I just can’t say it out loud. I feel like I’m suffocating and gasping for air whenever I do, so I don’t know what to do anymore. What should I do if I can’t speak and writing it down can’t get my message across?

    1. I encourage you to go to a therapist. It’s not about being ABLE to talk – it’s about LEARNING how to get those feeling out. It’s like practice. You don’t have to “get it right”. You can’t “fail at therapy” unless you quit before you get what you need out of it. Even if all you do is sit there, it’s okay. Also – not all therapists will work for you, so try more than one if the first one isn’t working for you. This doesn’t mean you can blame the therapist for your problems, but some “therapy tools” will work for you, and some won’t.
      Don’t just suffer without finding out if there’s something positive that will help you deal with the pain. You wouldn’t be writing here if you didn’t want help, and didn’t want to help yourself get out of this dark place. You can do it. It gets better.

    2. I would consider that therapists and other professionals are used to helping people who have a hard time explaining what’s going on. They are the kind of people who will let you talk for hours about your life. I would definitely grasp this chance.

  57. Wow I never this was what depression was I feel like I may have this from what I am going through right now. I’m consulting a doctor in a couple of days , but this is exactly what I feel. I’m 17 years old graduated and unemployed I had a job but I quit because I started feeling this way. The only person I have in my life is my bf right now.The reason I’ve been feeling this way is because of my older brother he is 23 years old and makes life harder on all of us. He is unemployed doesn’t help around the house and we are paying for everything he owes (jail and other debts.)There is so much more that has happend I could write an entire book on him. I think I just had it I wish I wasn’t living here. He makes my life miserable.

  58. I been dealing with depression all my life it feels like. Everything triggers it. What does it feel like? It feels like a million pounds on your shoulders, like anything you do isn’t good enough. No matter what you do in your life you still managed to mess it all up. All of your friendships/relationships go through the same cycle. When you cry it isn’t loud. Its into your arms while you shake vigroursly trying to get it all out hoping it won’t happen again for a while when you know it will happen again later that day. My life is far from easy. Every doctor I go to- I am afraid to burden them with my problems. My family all were pushed away. Because of how hard and far my depression takes me away. I can relate to everyone, I want to be there for everyone but yet I manage to want to have unforsaken thoughts of ending it. We know not to but the pain of living with this and never knowing when exactly its gonna happen kills me litterally inside. Being around my daughter doesn’t make me happy anymore. Which isn’t fair to her. I post online to try to vent but its never enough. People think its easy to solve by just “listening to happy music.” or ‘dont think about it and it will go away” “think happy thoughts” it just doesn’t work like that. You HAVE to let it take its course. I just don’t know how to cope with it, THis is what i do everyday.

  59. I have been diagnosed with a mild to moderate depression along with generalised anxiety. Everything sucks right now basically. I don’t feel like I can do anything right, I just keep messing up.

    BUT I have good and bad days. I haven’t felt entirely happy for a very long time now, but some days are worse than others for me. Some times I’m triggered, other times I’m not.

    However, I feel trapped most of the time. My anxiety for me has been something that has grown gradually during last year or two. It has now come to the point where it has taken too much control of my life.

    I’m starting talk therapy soon and I’m taking this semester off at university as well, because I feel like I can’t keep up with my studies.

    The best advice that I have got so far is listen to yourself first and foremost. I have for far too long been ignoring what I really have been feeling. I got the advice from someone who has been through a major depression herself and has come to know a lot about mental health.

  60. I have a constant “brain fog” and I feel like I can never do anything right. I feel like the people around me have to deal with me rather then have fun around me and I feel like I am just a burden to people. I cry when I speak about it out loud and otherwise feel numb about it. I think about killing myself or when I am in an state of anger towards myself because of an action I messed up on or just thinking about it too much makes me want to hurt myself. I also work full time and I have the same hours every week. I always feel like I am stuck doing the same thing over and over again and what the hell is the point to all of this? Go to work come home eat sleep repeat. Pay bills when the check comes and do it over and over again. I just hate it. I feel like my life is a waste of time. And I am a waste of everyone else’s time. I try to distract myself and be happy but what triggers me is when I can’t remember something simple or I mess up on a task. It makes me feel useless and stupid. It’s a lot. If my room mate wasn’t around to make sure I ate I wouldn’t eat and if I didn’t have a job I would sleep all day and all night. Today I couldn’t even hold in the sadness. I partially cried at a doctors appointment today while I was in the room waiting for the doctor to come in. It’s too much. I wish it would stop. I wish I could be like other people who can love themselves and love life and be happy. I can’t do that. I have no self confidence and I have no self esteem and I can’t do anything right. I am a useless pathetic human being. It’s just so hard you know my dad was an alcoholic and drug addict and my mom was always into her career so when I wasn’t stuck with my mom who always ignored me I would be around someone else who would always be aggressive and cuss me out and call me negative names. It’s so hard. Growing up with that and the struggles that are happening now make it all so hard. I’m so done with it all. I wish I could overdose on something.

    1. You’re not stupid, or lazy. You’re just in pain, and it’s taking a lot out of you. It’s okay if you sleep a lot, but try to eat healthy things, because even if it doesn’t make you feel better, it will help to avoid feeling worse – which is good, right?

      I’ve felt everything you’ve described. It DOES suck. Congratulate yourself on getting up and going to work. That’s a big deal, and you’re stronger than you know for being able to do that. It’s okay to be doing the same thing day after day, even if it goes on for years. Routine can be a blessing right now. Tomorrow will change when it’s ready to – you don’t have to worry about that when you’re not feeling well – just do what you need to do for now.
      It’s good that you’re reaching out for help, even if it’s just on forums. Keep doing that, then do a little more. I know you WANT to feel better, so do at least one little thing now and then to move along the path to wellness (you’ll be surprised that there will be times, maybe not too often, when you’ll have just a little bit of energy available).
      Life with depression sucks, but other people have their problems, too.
      You can make it through. Don’t push too hard. It’s not that you don’t have willpower, or that you’re weak, or that no one likes you. You’re just in pain. Pain makes everything feel darker. Pain makes doing simple tasks harder. But this pain isn’t forever. Just get through a few more days, then a few more. Do what you can.
      It does get better.

  61. I feel really depressed beyond to the point that all I can do is look around and I feel the gaze in my green eyes are cold, every room I walk into and breathe feels empty, soulless. I feel so sad that I can’t cry because I know it doesn’t matter and it’s not productive to cry over something because I know the sadness will return.

    Sometimes I wonder why I feel so much pain that I can’t feel anything at all. How can anyone live like this? I wonder… How can I live like this? Could anyone handle living my life right now? What would the end be like? Today? Tomorrow? Future?

    It’s been like this for so long; stuck in a small town, feeling like an outsider as being the only deaf and hard of hearing man. People never know how to react, rarely talk to me, and don’t know how I’d react to them so they just usually don’t bother trying to get to know me and it feels like everyone around me are so self-interested and close-minded, never seeing the bigger picture of life. I could be someone who’s capable of having a PH.D and yet, be seen as dumb.

    All my deaf and hard of hearing friends are so far away and it’s hard to keep in touch with them.

    Not only that, I have an older rebellious sibling with a mild form of asperger’s syndrome so that makes communication and being able to emotionally connect all the more difficult because of his one-sided nature. He yells, argues, abrasive and rude and his meltdown has often unwittingly caused me to undergo psychological and mental abuse and he talks over me like I have nothing ever important to say. He’s always surrounded by the wrong crowd.

    My mother has stubborn OCD, and my dad has had a heart-attack and all he can do is sit back and try to passively keep the peace.

    I want to run and never look back. I want to forget. I want to run for the same reason that I drive around in the countryside aimlessly alone. All alone. Just run away and keep running until nobody knows who I am anymore.

    I even fight the temptation of thought that an accident is all I need to seek peace. At least… nobody on Earth has any power to bring me down anymore because I am my own worst enemy and I just grow colder as time passes. I want to die, and I can’t die for the same reason that people think or imagined they figured out why it happened to me with their baseless assumptions.

    I have to run. Just run. Getting out of town is the only way.

  62. It feels dull. It feels like people dont want to know you, but you sometimes get so annoyed at people (sometimes for no reason) you dont want to know them, so you shut off. Its empty, and staring into space becomes normal, I guess you get lost in your thoughts, numb to anything around you. You feel like you have forgotten what it was like to actually be truly happy

  63. I recently resurfaced from a walk in the dark, i started to care about myself again. Before that i was just passing time waiting to die, i had no strength to do what i think is right. it felt like i came to the end of my journey, i opened a door and there was light to grow, to heal. If i had to describe that which i think unlocked the door, it would be that now i see myself in all of the others and i see the others in all of myself, i dont believe in bad people anymore. For i always have wanted to meet myself – i willingly engage others now. I hope you can hear my message – Nihil humani mihi alienum – let us walk together.

  64. Silence is a friend but at the same time an enemy.
    My housework and laundry continues to pile around me, causing me to feel more worthless and more overwhelmed and less likely to ever get out of this hole I am in…which in turn makes me feel worse.
    Depression comes in waves for me, and it is awful when I think I am climbing out of the hole with the help of the Doctor and new meds, and the suddenly slip right back into deep depression again. Such feeling of failure, uselessness, discouragement, lack of will to go on. Emotional low

  65. I just feel kind of down all the time. My life feels meaningless. Somehow I hate myself and think I’m the best person ever at the same time. I don’t have suicidal thoughts, but about every week I do have a strong desire to just curl up in a dark place, fall asleep, and never wake up. I feel dissatisfied all the time. I am either very irritable, or numb.

  66. I been extremely depressed for the last three days. I been on the verge of crying. I can’t do anything I love. I lost my job and I don’t want to find work cause its to much. Like nobody cares. Worthless and forgotten. My stomach turns every time I think about the stuff that hurts. Like a endless funk. I over sleep. I can’t stand my life.

  67. I have not been diagnosed, or even seen a doctor or therapist, but I constantly feel like I am drowning and no one and nothing can save me. I can’t save myself, it doesn’t matter what I do or how hard I try to be better, everything goes wrong and I can’t do a single thing right. I don’t feel pity for myself, just a constant frustration, irritation, and hate at my self. I truly hate mostly everything about myself. I try to see what others see when they compliment me, but all I see is a shadow of I who I used to be. I constantly wonder why people still talk to me. Why people care. It’s so hard for me to talk to anyone about myself, or about my emotions. It’s like all the thoughts that are in my head cannot come out, that no one else could possibly understand or I would probably be overreacting or stupid. I try everyday to boost myself up, to get myself going, and everyday it’s a battle to smile and do normal social activities or any activities at all. I feel like my work ethic, my personality, each part of me is crumbling more and more each day and there’s nothing I can do. I’ve become so tired of everything. It’s like I’m standing on the edge everyday, and it’s a fight to not fall. I fight myself and my dark thoughts every waking moment. The only relief I feel is sleep, when I get sleep. My family counts on me for everything, and it seems like that pressure that I once could withstand is now overbearing. The edge keeps getting closer and closer, and my thoughts and pain never stop. I don’t know if that jumble made sense, but I thought I’d share it. Never have I felt more alone then I do now, and I don’t want to disappoint anyone, but I keep letting myself down. I wonder where the brave and happy go lucky girl has gone. There’s just a shell left in her place.

  68. I feel Alone in life I feel so burden I just want to die run away from everyone
    I don’t understand where to go they is no one who I trust to share my feelings with I just can’t stop crying am always been hated on without a mistake without a reason I just can’t take it anymore I want to end my self

  69. Loss of memory and concentration,
    loss of touch with others,
    fatigue, loneliness, anxiety,
    everything that people say has no subsistence, like perspectives nor summarizing on anything makes any sense anymore,
    inability to start conversation, social phobias.
    No soul, like nothing brings gratification or happiness anymore.
    Derealization, Depersonalization,
    Frustration, Hatred,
    Everyone doesn’t understand anything you are saying like for example “So you think that the show on tonight at the regent theater will be worth while?” my reply “i have no ambition nor desire to watch it so i dont believe it will at all be particularly worth while”
    Gloom, Not able to think clear nor formulate rational explanations.
    No Emotion.
    Are we individuals just wired to a new perspective? or are we just at the end of a narrow road in which has veered to far into the abyss? light has faded and so have what we become? but a mere resonance of a once ambitious and collected self?
    Good Luck and i wish you all the very best,
    as good shall prevail out of this hideous mess. With love and gratitude,that does not seem or feel to exist

  70. I don’t want to die but I don’t want to live I don’t have any interests I don’t want to do anything I have no motivation I don’t want to talk to people I don’t want to think I just want to lie alone away in a quiet place forever I want to live in a world without living things I just want to stand alone watching the days go by .

  71. Everything is wrong and I can’t figure out how to make it all right again. I used to have a full life and ran around like a young deer in the woods… but now I’m 62 with one dead hip and the other one right behind it. I need hip replacements. All I do is limp around in pain with the bones grinding together. Sorry to be so graphic. I had a perforated bowel this year and had to get a colostomy bag. My upper teeth are all gone and I have a few broken discolored teeth on the bottom and I look pretty ugly… but can’t afford dental care. My mom died last year, my hubby divorced me last year, I was robbed while in the hospital. I was exposed to black mold and had to throw out all my furniture & clothes, purses & boots. I’m in a new town and don’t know anyone. I can’t see what purpose I serve being alive anymore. I have 2 adult girls who are very busy with their own lives who would be devastated forever if I ended this all. But I’m so unhealthy and lonely and feel like a waste of good food and air. So what’s the point…

  72. My head feels “full”. I get irritated easily, no patience, sense of urgency. Lay awake till about 4 am every night. Nothing legitimate for me to worry about that I know of but my brain wont stop. Cry often for no apparent reason, scared. Can’t shake the feeling that I am running out of time. Don’t understand why.

  73. I would like to thank everyone on here for posting anonymously what my daughter cannot say to me in person. She is under psychiatric care and understands depression is a real illnes, totally chemical, but still feels worthless, too dependant, “a drag”. I may never understand depression from from a first-hand experience, but I do understand it hurts. As much as it may seem to annoy your family or friends, you are hurting far worse than they are. Speak to a counselor, find a mental health advocate to speak for you, get involved in a support group, something so that you can talk to those who do understand depression from your point of view. Yes, you are suffering, but you do not have to suffer alone. I gladly try to carry my daughter’s burden, even though it is not possible to take it from her. Love you all dearly.

  74. Depression feels like somebody has ripped your heart out along with your soul, jumped up and down on it several times, but forgotten to put it back into your body when they’ve finished. An empty feeling, not knowing joy or happiness, a loss of one’s identity.

  75. I need help, but I don’t want to. Somehow, I kind of enjoy all this suffering and sadness, like I want it to happen. But I know I need someone to help me, not a psychiatrist, I just want a friend… I’ve just become really desperate for someone who understands, and I’m only 13. I wish that someone did though. Every time I sob or cry in my room, I just cries for help, even when I know they won’t hear me and that no one’s here. I just want to know that someone, just someone out there who really cares for me, and loves me.

    I’ve just started to lock myself in my room all day about a year ago, but my family doesn’t questions. Every year of school, for the first few months, or half of the year, I’ll go through this “lonely phase”. I’ll be completely alone, and no one would care or notice me. And I’d just wander aimlessly around the halls.

    I just don’t know what to do. I’ve been getting more and more panic attacks. The thing that I want is just so simple – a friend. But the world is just THIS cruel and won’t even let me have that.

  76. When my depression comes I compare myself to people and distort things- as if they are so wonderful and normal, and I envy them, I wish we could switch minds and lives so I would know what is like to live without depression. When I’m sick the feelings just come and I don’t honestly know how to stop them, I feel like the worst person, and that I’m not good at anything, and then I panic.

  77. It feels like I have concrete blocks on my feet at the bottom of a ocean trying to swim towards the surface. I feel completely alone even though I have people who say they love me and are here for me. I don’t do anything anymore I stay in the house and cry or watch tv or both at the same time. This morning I woke up crying and I didn’t know why I was then my nana asked me if I was ok I said I was fine but she knew something was wrong. Getting out of bed is the hardest thing to do its like I know I have things that need to be done but I just can’t.

  78. I’ve struggled with major depression for three years now. I’ve told my parents and close family about it, but they continue to taunt me about it and tell me to kill myself. They’re all a huge part of my depression. Hell, I’m pretty sure if they actually supported me I would be going to a therapist and on my way to recovery, but instead I’m stuck in an endless loop of numbness, self harm and abuse.

  79. some days are way worse than others but i feel like there isn’t a point to living at all. I feel like I’m going to go through this whole life without achieving anything or doing anything worthwhile. I have to put up with all the anxious thoughts of strangers on the bus judging me or the other girls in my school hating me for nothing. it makes me feel like this isn’t worth all the effort it takes to keep going. my friend just asked me to hangout on Thursday and I don’t want too at all, it seems like such a chore. sometimes I feel like the only reason I go do stuff with my friends is so that people think I’m a fun girl, I just want to be noticed. I’m so lonely all the time and nothing excites me, I feel like no one understands me and no one ever will. i honestly don’t see a point. whenever I face a conflict I think about how much easier it would be if I just was dead.

  80. Life has no purpose. I would never commit suicide. But I feel without hope and do not want to even get out of bed each day. Why am I here again? I guess I’m depresssed. I hate meds tho. They don’t work. Useless.

  81. Depression is death itself. When your friends sit back and watch, when they leave, when the therapists give up, when the doctors don’t return your calls, when you find yourself all alone this is when you cross over into true virtual death. This is where life meets hell (actual hell, the dimension of hell with all the characters and ones you didn’t know of — a dimension of horror — sounds funny uh?).

    When you make it out, and you can — do not forgive the bastards who watched you die — they are a product of a system geared toward the collective (Collectivism, Statism) borg of useful idiots.

    When you make it out, and you will — you will be refreshed and the only path up will be the right path as you cannot choose a negative path lest you wouldn’t make it out.

    You will make it. Navigate the waters form left to right, up to down and sideways and eventually you will make it.

    Don’t worry about the women you passed up or the boy you could have dated — you will have a future that will be in alignment with the best you — and the best people for you.

    So fuck it and keep it movin.

    Peace.

  82. I feel the same like everyone else have described here. I feel like drowning every time I breathe. I feel confused about what to do in my life now. Any little problem that arises, I get so anxious and worried so fast and suddenly my mind just stops to functioning and so does my body. I can not move, I can not speak and feel paralysed. I get upset for no apparent reason, and when I am alone I start crying. I want to break things and cry out loud and scream at everyone just so they know how I feel inside. But they just can not see through the face I make, its calm when I am with people but inside I am literally screaming and screaming. I used to be jolly, witty, playful and enjoyed everything that came in my life. But now I am not the same person anymore. I hate talking to people and even if I want to I feel awkward and my heart beats faster and faster and I think I will die. I day dream of dying or getting sick, just in case people will feel some kind of affection for me. My best friend said its normal for our age and my mother says to worship GOD, but how is this a solution? I feel hopeless and feel like even if I say something people will ignore me so its better to stay quiet. I feel just packing some of my belongings and run away far from everyone and every problem, go somewhere full of tress and mountains and spent the rest of my life there. There are so many things juggled in my head right now and I want to write all the stuff but I can not even utter the words, those words reach my mind but not my mouth.

  83. I don’t know… I’m 16, soon 17. I feel this kind of emptyness… Some weight on my chest at all times, although I do some times get… very happy for no apparent reason and feel like on top of the world, yet the next day i will be sad… well not sad…. I won’t even feel any kind of emotion… I don’t know what’s going but some of the things listed here are quite similar.

  84. I have said yes to every bullet point. I’m in the summer between graduating high school and beginning college, but my last year of high school crashed a third of the way through. School and home weren’t what they had been. My struggle then was the worst thing I have ever gone through, but no one around me seemed to think it was serious or real, and attributed it to “my developing brain” and told me my brain was “an obstacle to overcome.” My friends were my only help, but they had their own issues. I told my mom I couldn’t do this anymore, and tried to express how I was feeling. She must’ve gotten tired of hearing it because she turned the prospect of psychiatric help into a threat, and I backed down.
    Nobody has taken me seriously so far, so I retreat further into my own head, which makes daily life a growing challenge. My small failures haunt me and I feel worthless and hopeless and I wonder what the point of me even is anymore…I think I’m crazy, but my environment has convinced me that nothing is wrong, and that I’m just weak…it’s all so confusing. I can’t read people anymore, and I can only really listen to what people say if it’s written down in front of me.
    I don’t know what’s going to happen. Not 2 days ago I cracked and voiced how I always feel wrong about myself and everything I do and everything I see, and finally said how much of an unoriginal failure I feel I am sometimes.
    Nothing happened then either. Maybe there’s nothing wrong, and I’m being dramatic. Maybe I’m wrong, yet again. I can’t tell. The more I read other people’s first-hand experiences, the more I see how utterly crippling it is…but I finished high school without any academic troubles. Heck I was 6th in my class, received awards, small scholarships, college admission, honors admission…
    I couldn’t have accomplished that if I actually had Depression, right? Am I wrong again?

    1. Maybe it was just a really mild depression, maybe it was another kind of thing, but it wore off. At least you’re okay now, right?

  85. Things gotta get better!!! No choice. Or else ill never find hapiness…Why am I writing this down instead of talking about it? Because it’s always the same fucking story.it started 6-7 months ago… I met this guy he makes me super happy… until a few months ago I felt that spark slowly fade. He doesn’t feel that way at all and I am very glad he does not. Im happy he thinks were great! I don’t wanna loose him for the world. For some reason. I think. Ill lose him… everyone always leaves at some point. And maybe some people don’t realise it. But the tiniest things can really hurt you… So I got in a fight with my older brother because he was drunk or high or maybe even a mix of both. I know to this day he might not have meant it. But in the worst times it haunts you. Its at the back of your head waiting to destroy you. And get you in your worst damn times. He told me everyone will eventually leave me. As they still have been. And that ill amount to nothing in life… I have a man that has no inttentions of leaving me and I have a good job and… I still think… Im miserable?Im not miserable per say… I know I should be happy because I have so much going on. I try and stay positive but … its so hard. The man I love is miles away hoaping to finally one day be with him. I need him. We both need each other. And maybe just maybe when we do ill be happier. Aesthetically hes not the hottest man there. In fact not very attracted to his looks but his personality Makes up for it. Hes golden <3 Im just so scared of him leaving me for someone that’s maybe less worried about everything. My elder brother said everyone will leave me if I keep being a worry wart like my mom. And its scaring me. Because I am slowly progressing to be like her wether I want to or not. I hate myself for being mean to my man when he deserves to be treated well. I hate it that I overreact to everything. I just want to be better at… all of this. I want so desperately to be happy that im hurting myself mentally when I should be happy. Im never satisfied with what I have . I am tired of it. I want to be happy. I don’t know WHY I cant be. I really want to be relieved and just live my life happilly with the ones I love and not have a care in the world. But it only took that one conversation with my brother and my life just SHIFTED. I try to stay positive. I know im better than he will ever be. And my life is actually great! I just… Don’t know…

  86. I feel your pain, I am in the same place, at 73 been married for over 50 years to a man who does not understand depression, when I first got it I was 22 and had my daughter my husbands mother said I was not fit to have a child as I had left her at home with my neighbour who was a nurse, those words have never left me and now I see my husaband to be hardline her. i want to die that’s all I think off , such a cruel world, I wish you all love.

  87. I feel disconnected from everyone. Everyone wants something from in every aspect, money, emotional suuport, bills, comfort, work deadlines that mean nothing except to the person who wants it.

  88. I feel all the points that you have mentioned in your article.but i dont feel like killing myself,but i hurt myself sometimes. I really dont know what to do.i usually fight with my boyfriend and family.please help me what should i do.

  89. same here. I’m never happy. I don’t feel any emotion. I don’t feel like my self anymore. I don’t think I got self respect for me anymore.. I’m hurt. I’m always worried & nervous but the littles things. I don’t even wanna go out anymore. my anger is horrible now. I’m always mad.

  90. Plus it has a lot of physical side effects too. You may have headaches, body aches, restlessness and insomnia. And general tiredness and reluctance to do things :/ I’ve been feeling faint and dark spots when I stand up suddenly lately not sure if it’s because I’m getting older or depression…

  91. Hmm… I think I’ve got slight depression since 4 years ago, and it only got worse lately. The symptoms become more and more obvious, like lack of motivation, urge to cry at any time, heavy feeling on your chest, anxiety-caused insomnia etc. You can’t really understand depression until you have felt it, and it’s really hard to describe. There can be no reason for it. Honestly there may be suicide thoughts, urge to sleep forever etc, and worrying too much about the weirdest things, which more often than not procrastination. Most of the time you may just feel like something’s suffocating you and you are sinking into the abyss and all you can see is darkness (like what you see for your future). Stuff like that. It may sound a little dramatic but that’s what I feel most of the time. And you are always tired and lethargic, mostly tired of life and daily activities. It’s difficult to do what you can do in the past and a little setback can force you to give up forever. You have no hope for life and find life utterly meaningless. For me depression made me try to find the meaning in life and failing, and now I’ve become a misanthrope. Depression is a creeping disease sometimes, it’s not like you’re constantly or suddenly super depressed – you can still smile and laugh with your friends, but you feel upset more frequently with little reason. It hinders your life a lot, especially if you’re at that ‘important age’ and you are supposed to plan for your future and everyone is placing stress on you but you just feel like doing nothing. One of the worst parts is that people don’t recognize mental illnesses as much as physical ones, and you just want people to understand you more and give you space but they don’t ‘understand’ or ‘believe’ you. Sometimes I wonder how much do you have to do/break down before they let you free, or just send you to a mental hospital ._. I think you think a lot during that time and have a lot of mental and life revelations, and that may be why all the famous works are done when the creators are depressed… I feel like I can write a book from depression already, haha.

  92. I feel like I’m a caged bird and there’s no way to get out. I feel like we don’t have a free will and everyone around dont care. I can’t change my life or circumstances and i still have to live. My life is not by my choice and if i had to choose i would rather die. I don’t want to die without fighting but the pain is so intense, that i feel it on a physical level. I can’t handle the pain anymore i wish I could be set free from all of this. I wish no one else feels the same pain.

  93. My god, there is no answer to what it feels like. We place our words here, but it bites and chews and tears what might remain of a soul we never deserved. Of course,this is only me speaking these words. I have come across this site maybe by accident. At this moment, I’ve watched the morning news. It’s July 8, 2016. Not only have two young, seemingly innocent, black men been murdered by police officers in the past few days – but now 5 police officers have been killed overnight.
    Please, don’t think people in other countries aren’t affected by these heinous events. I am Canadian, Toronto.
    Madness aside(?) I doubt that, I digress. My sister, brother in law. nephew, his wife, my great nephew and niece are in Florida for a week. A holiday for two teachers, their children, an accountant and an engineer. Hard earned and deserved time away. I will put all of my madness aside until they are all safely home.
    But, in my madness, I will disappear for awhile. Self preservation and a brief respite from the death that drags and tears and greedily feeds on what’s left in my shell of worthless existence.
    In my own indifference to any organised religion, I will pray for their safe return home. Praying as well for these many souls caught up in such egregious actions.
    I am taking a selfish break for what morsels of sanity and what may be left of myself.
    Death claws and rips with a fervour constantly and I know I take it with me always. I won’t be alone.
    Cat.

  94. I have had depression for about a year now, i also have pretty bad anxiety. I feel like my mind is deteriorating, like there is a cloud over my thoughts and nothing seems like real life anymore. I space out a lot and when i do something awkward i stress on it. i really want this fog to go away because i used to be really pretty smart but now i feel like i cant think.

  95. My life is spinning out of control and I can’t talk to anyone everyone around me looks up to me. I cant do this anymore. I want to just die

  96. i will never get my self into debt again! EVER! well I’m bankrupt so won’t be able to, still owe $20000 to my suppliers who I’m late every month paying. haven’t had a holiday in 4 years. my daughters mum is a cunt. done so much for other ppl half my debts were helping other ppl.. now I’m burnt out. HATE working and its the quietest my business has been in 4 years. i sound suicidle but i don’t want to die. feels like I’m just waiting for something i don’t know what it is. everyone who is happy is a cunt in my eyes coz I’m not. i have full blown depression. sometimes i enjoy being down? thats fucked up. but mostly i want to be normal again. i buy lotto because in the time between buying the ticket and the draw i have a bit of hope but i never check it that night always the next day after work that way i get through the day dreaming of a better life before it comes crashing down when i check it and think of the $20 i lost. and the ironic thing is doctors and counsellors cost MONEY. haha tears.i don’t want to be rich right now i just want my bank and my debts to say $0 homeless ppl on the street are in a better finacial position than me! it feels like something ever so slightly just putting constant pressure on your brain. ppl close to me no I’m fuckin depressed..everyone else has no idea and the hardest thing is to smile when you want to cry. 4 years feels so long to be like this. to be real honest i think 50% of ppl would have done themselves in if they lived my shoes in recent years. or maybe its just me. i feel strong but maybe I’m just weak. and yeah I’m tired all of the time so so tired no matter how much sleep i have I’m still tired. ppl comment i look like shit all the time. or they think I’ve had a big night out..the only time i forget everything is when i play football every saturday. when its not footy season then its 7 days of hell. good luck with your battle. i need a miracle

  97. People would advice you to be colder.. to be alil more selfish.. to be this that.. to be something that will apparently give you happiness. To change yourself to be selfishly happy. But then if that change makes you even more unhappy.. retrieving self hate because that’s not the monster you want to be.. That’s not who you are. Even when you try to be cold. it eats you up because you can’t change a heartbeat rhythm. We are all wired differently. I think we should just deal with who we are and try to understand ourselves and create our own happy cave with the people who really matter. You know.. like.. being different is not a crime. Apathy, rather, should be.

  98. I feel really depressed most of the time I’ve lost as all desire to do anything don’t feel like going out with friends anymore just sitting around just got over having cancer

  99. I feel like everyday is just a dream. I can’t work, I can’t finish school, it’s hard for me to even get out of bed in the morning. I don’t want to do any thing. I’m always anxious and worried something bad is going to happen to me. I started Prozac 4 days ago but it seems to be making my depression worse. So I don’t know what to do. I just wished I could fix this feeling without taking medication.

  100. Depression feels very heavy…it’s like I sleep for sixteen hours and wake up wanting to sleep again. My brain feels like jello and I can’t seem to retain anything even when i try to consciously make an effort. I feel like my entire family is slowly stopping caring about me because I am just an unmotivated Debbie downer loser. Depression is causing me to have no interest in life or anything and I feel completely fake when doing anything. Laughing isn’t natural anymore.In the past I used to laugh for spouts of ten to twenty minutes at a time and it was great. Depression is when you read so much self help and Zen and other articles on how to get better but the application is so hard and time consuming you become discouraged because you’re a failure and eventually it will cycle around again. Conversation is very difficult and makes me feel awkward and I just want to be isolated, or keep company with someone who doesn’t feel the need to talk. I feel inferior and frustrated and just tense. I’m afraid if this ever goes away I am not going to recognize it and I am going to just be an unemployed loser for the rest of my life. I am afraid that I’m becoming obsessive over the wrong Things. Depression is a powerful succubus and it takes a lot to even remember to bathe or brush my teeth or do normal things. I have so many things on a list of things to do but I feel like a child because I don’t know if they are what I really want to do or if I’m doing them because it’s what everyone is telling me to do. I don’t know anything anymore. I am uneducated, uninteresting, and just not worth it. Depression hurts. It’s thinking about the future and how you pretty much don’t have one because you just throw yours away sleeping and having panic attacks and depression episodes.

  101. Wow i didn’t know those are also symptoms for depression. I always thought things like difficult to smile, difficulty on expressing etc are part of my personality. I had depression since a long time ago but i have just found out these are the symptoms too.

  102. Everything is definitely in slow motion for me. Even as I type this, I feel as though my fingers are heavy or moving slowly. I don’t know which, and everything is confusing… tiring… I nearly forgot which word to type/write. I feel like I can never make solid decisions. No amount of sleep is enough. Everything and everyone antagonizes me, even if it’s done exactly as I like it. I know I’m not a picky person either. Life is a dichotomy of frenetic energy and mental vegetation. You know when you see those gifs of the ocean/water from the side? There’s the top layer of water, a bit chaotic in some places, smooth in others. And underneath the water layer, it’s calm for a bit, but there’s still all that life and activity, and it’s just SO vibrant. But how I feel, I feel like the line separating the surface from the bottom, just moving and being pushed around by the motion and energy of the life around it and whatever other external forces. Somewhere in writing that I got nervous and I’m all shaky now. I want to go peacefully to sleep, yet with the peace of the undersea and none of the other, and just have it silence my thoughts for… forever. A smile.

  103. Depression feels like its endless. It covers the light at the end of the tunnel and amplifies the moment of horrible feeling and thoughts. I feel trapped in my body and I am banging on the walls crying out for help, but no one hears me. Actually, I am glad i am not heard, because I dont want others to know I am sad or make them feel what I do, so I feel alone and scared. I get help from a counselor and friends and feel revived like its gone forever, then its triggered again. I drown myself in school work in responsibility to show myself life is worth living and give my life meaning but I do not see my accomplishments no matter what I win. Sadly, this depression is not 100% my fault, but it is my fault to keep the trigger by my side. Knowing that once in my life i could never picture myself in this situation, that I had it good. But I put up with this and anxiety just because I think “love” will outshine one day.

  104. Sometimes, it all comes down on me, like a tremendous weight. It’s like I can LITERALLY feel it weighing me down; it physically hurts.

  105. The only one I don’t agree with here is crying for no reason. I cry for no reason all the time — at a song on the radio, a show — and crying is actually very healthy.

  106. I’ve had depression for 6 years, It feels hollow, empty and void. It feels as if everything wrong is the fault of mine and no one but I am the cause. I can never die until time, I’m told that I can never die even if I try. I’ve never thought about suicide before because to me it is cowardice, so I’ll stick with suffering till time.

  107. Oh my god! I felt like crying and crying and crying for no real reason. I feel desperate. I am even not sure if it is depression or not.
    I always try to stay calm whenever I feel like breaking things and whenever I try to do that, I cry. I am in tenth grade. I feel stressed and pressurised. I can’t actually express what I am feeling right now. I want to talk with someone. Oh plz I have started hating myself. I need help. Right now I an crying.i am 14.

  108. For me depression always felt like a heavy weight on my chest, like I could never breathe quite right. It was unsettling and it only got worse from there. It started with me as a child and progressed into what it is today. When depressed, everything seems to be shaded in grey, even old, fond memories. And there’s this terrible feeling of being completely and utterly alone. I remember standing in the lunch line, surrounded by friends, and everything just felt like a blur and all the voices became muffled and all of a sudden I couldn’t breathe and I needed to get out right away, but where to go? I had no where to go and while I was silently drowning in my despair, my “friends” didn’t notice my pain and I later found out that the reason for them not wanting to be my friend anymore was because I was too “depressing” to be around. I wasn’t depressing, I was depressed! The affects of depression are hard enough without people shaming you for being depressed in the first place.

  109. I found this article after a long time. Its pretty much captured every single thing I feel. I never feel appreciated and am always down. Things that gave me genuine pleasure before are now just “what’s the point”. I feel like I’m watching myself in some C-grade depression documentary and cant get out. Where I com from, going for therapy is done only by crazy people, and REAL MEN just deal with things….I’m sure that’s familiar to a few of you too.

  110. I feel like i can not feel happy for me. I only feel sadness. I feel like i am supposed to be happy, but i rarely actually feel happy. People say that i look like i dont havea friend in the world, i feel like i dont but i do have very good friends. But i dont feel connected. Its is as if my feeling are totally disconnected from me. I am never happyabout and for myself. Although i have every reason to be happy but i am not. This concerns me because i have a child and she is so happy. All the time too. And i dont get that. I also am genuinely happy for others, but i am not happy for mee. This i am going tochange today. I am going to reach out for help, because i believe i can be happy for me.I am encourage i am not alone in these feeling or lack of feeling that i feeli dont feel, that there is hope that i wont feel thisway always. Thank you all for sharing

  111. Wow…. I have been feeling this exact same way for two months now and it didn’t all make sense until I stumbled upon this article. I can highly relate to almost every bullet on this list, and it all makes sense now. I had gone to the doctor three times now for my constant headaches that will never go away. They even took blood work and an MRI and told me nothing was wrong. Thank you so much for creating this, I now feel as though I’m not alone and I have an answer to why I’ve been feeling this way. Thank you so much.

  112. I always had some depression, but I always ignored it. On July 10th 2015 I lost my Girlfriend and her Mother in an Accident, and that was it for me. I feel like a tent stake that got nailed into the ground with a 1000 pound hammer. Since that day nothing has felt real, and life is racing by. I cant sleep, or eat, everything feels dark, and I feel that Ill probably be dead soon too, either from cancer (which is by no means diagnosed, just hypochondria) or some other terminal illness. Not to mention no one cares to listen to me when I try to talk about it. I need to talk to someone, but no one cares. I honestly don’t know what to do. She was all I had. I’m only 20 and I feel my life is over. I’m also growing more angry with the world with each passing day. Pure hatred. I enjoy violence greatly. I almost wish my pain was inflicted on everyone, but its not like I actually want to hurt anyone. This isn’t me. I need help.

    1. Hi Mike, I am so sorry for your loss. To me it sounds like you are grieving as many of the signs of depression are similar to those experienced with grief. I wonder whether it would help you to see a bereavement counsellor to talk through how you feel. It might be worth a try. I wish you love and future happiness.

  113. Please tell me if I have depression I’m young and don’t know if I do I feel like I’m stopping my mom from happiness holding everyone back like I’m just a burden it’s like everyone is moving on and I’m just stuck my family makes irritated and I don’t know why sometimes I cry for no reason I always feel stressed it seems like just me breathing I’m doing something wrong I hate myself I’m pretty sure I don’t like one thing about myself.

  114. It’s like walking through thick mud. Like my limbs are made of lead and don’t want to move. I feel like I am stoned out of my brain all the time, but I haven’t taken drugs in a long time. I can’t think properly, and concentration is a thing I remember vaguely from times long past. Completing small tasks feels like climbing an un-climbable mountain, I just can’t bring myself to even try to begin. Work is something I know I need to do but really struggle to do. I go, but all I want to do all day is go home and I dont even know why. I love sleep, and could sleep all the time but I can’t sleep properly. I loose count of how many times I wake in a night, and every time I feel worse than before I went to sleep. I can’t remember the things that used to bring me happiness, and I can’t even remember the last time I felt happiness. It feels like I have never felt it though I know I used to. I love my family, but I have no desire to talk to any of them. I have no friends and feel like I prefer it that way. Social situations make me feel sick, and I hate being around other people. I feel like I have a hatred for people in general sometimes. I feel useless, like a complete failure. I can’t make a descent living, and I fail at everything I do. I have the potential, but I just cant seem to make things work. Life is just a blur.

  115. I don’t know if I have depression or not, I have good days, usually 2 or 3 weeks, but I do get a little sad, or looking somewhere off to a distance while with my friends and they think it’s funny. I break down if something stressful like an argument or joke that got to me, I am told by a close friend repeateday that I’m like by people, but I feel hated and that I have nobody. When I break down, I cry for about an hour, it my be short, but it is extremely intense.I don’t know if this is depression or not, can I get a thought on this??

  116. Depression is a disease.

    It eats you apart, slowly and painfully. It tears apart friendships, rips apart families, and pulls you to shreds.

    You feel alone, but it goes much unnoticed. No one cares to empathize and no one shows understanding, because no one sees.

    When you’re low, no one treats you special because you’re ill. Because mental illness is like that rotten peanut in the children’s song. From the outside, everyone thinks it’s just like any other peanut.

    When people do try, they usually tell you “you’re going to be fine” or “you have nothing to be upset about”.

    Newsflash: All too often, we know we’re going to be fine. We know we have nothing to be upset about. Or rather, part of us knows. But the part of us that doesn’t, overtakes us. It’s the part that keeps telling us that EVERYONE views us as: CHILDISH. OVERLY EMOTIONAL. BITTERLY NEGATIVE. COMPLETELY IRRATIONAL. BOTHERSOME. And worst of all WORTHLESS.

    The fact of the matter is, we hold on to these feelings because (regardless of how much we fight it) we believe that even in a small way one or some of this is true. And because of that small bit of belief, we find ourselves traveling down a dark downhill stroll. That becomes a trip. Then a roll. And before we know it, we’re flying down the mountain at 100mph, and any attempt to pull in full reverse at a speed that fast will inevitably fail. Only will a slow decrease in speed, that results in an eventual stand still, can possibly get the ball rolling back in the opposite direction towards “normalcy”.

    Honestly, all we need is a little bit of an open eye. To help us when we hit that first ledge. When our eyes turn down, and our hearts start to become heavy. And all we need is a hand to hold onto, to keep us from falling down that dark path. Fighting our triggers is our battle. But sometimes, we need help to keep standing before we completely lose our balance.

  117. I never really thought that I was depressed. I always thought I was just sad and going through normal emotions like everyone else I knew. I thought that my problems were not so big and that no one really cared. so I kept to myself and allowed my friends and family to believe that I had everything under control. it felt so good you know? to pretend… to pretend that everything was alright even if it wasn’t. I was just content with knowing that no one was worried about me or felt bad for me. it was rare that I ever talked about my feelings. growing up I was always the “big person”. whether it be with my friends or with my family. I was always the one my friends came to when they had problems, I was the one who always had to be inbetween the fights they had.same goes with my family. I am always trying to make peace. I never thought that I could talk to anyone about my feelings because I have kept them bottled up for so long, but I know that my friends care and my family does too. something just keeps telling me that they don’t and it makes me isolate myself from everything and everyone and I hate it. I really hate it and I can’t take it any longer and I am not quite sure what I am suppose to do. I have tried three times to reach out for help from counsellors but no one seems to care enough about me to help. tomorrow I am going to try again because, as much as I think about ending my life, I really do not want it to come to that.

  118. I didn’t realize until about 15 or 20 minutes ago that I can relate to so many of the signs and symptoms of depression and have had them for most of my life. I come from a strong family, born to and raised by people who always wanted the best for me no matter what, so in that way I really lucked out. But off and on for about the last 12 years I have felt like I have completely let everyone down, because I can’t seem to find where I belong in this world. When I was in my mid teens, and without even realizing it, I dealt with it with methods that I have read about on sites like these. I found things that made me feel good, and I did them. I found a sport I enjoyed, I nurtured the social aspects of my life and finally started to feel like I was who I wanted to be. But recent events (being cheated on by the mother of my son, losing the ability to see him more than 2 weeks out of every month. And on top of that, being a 28 year old that had no choice but to move back in with his parents and not being able to find a job) have brought it all back, and worse. I can’t use the same coping methods that worked for me as a teen because where I live has no sports programs outside of high school, and anyone my age with any sense got out of this town as soon as they were able, so the social network is no longer really an option. But finding this information has forced me to open my eyes, and shown me that there can be a light at the end of this tunnel if I choose to allow there to be one. And because of that I feel like I am actually willing to admit to a doctor that I don’t feel right mentally, instead of avoiding the subject because I’m scared. Thank you.

  119. How do I help my adult daughter who is bipolar and refuses to be treated with meds or counseling she has three young children and a full time job. She fights with everyone cries all the time her life is chaos please help us

  120. I thought my illness was gone away in 2013 when I felt so good after a change of life but it comes back stronger every time. It is tiring fighting this demon especially at night when I cannot sleep. I haven’t the courage yet to end my life and I admire people who do end their pain by suicide. Doctors say to learn to cope with it but it is a constant battle with no end in sight. It really is a living hell…

  121. My depression was a feeling of my body falling into an endless dark space. It also felt like I was falling off a cliff. I thought I hit what people call “rock-bottom”. I hoped to feel better and go up. I thought time could really change me.. But it didn’t. I always felt like i was a stupid, helpless person. I don’t want to do anything. I don’t get motivated, i don’t feel any emotions, and its not like I’m super good at something so i feel like a loser. If my life is going to be like this… I don’t really want to live anymore. But i’m scared to die alone(suicide). And i know that my family and friends will be sad. I’ll never get used to This empty feeling. Everything just feels meaningless and i myself feel souless.

    1. It’s not like my life is miserable.
      I have friends and family. I have a dog. I have everything that i need. But something is missing. I’m afraid people would think that I’m a spoiled person. I feel like I shouldn’t feel this way. I’m scared and shamed at the same time. People around me act like they care and understand me but thats honestly fake… So i can’t talk about this with someone around me. I guess this is why i feel lonely even though i have friends. Im fine whenever I’m out with my friends but when i come home, i get this super weird feeling of loneliness. Everything feels surreal. So i try to go to sleep but that doesn’t work either.

  122. The moment right after I wake up and I remember this feeling. It’s like waking up after something tragic happened and remembering the tragic event just to be sad again. But nothing tragic has happened.
    Everyday I count down the hours until I know I’ll be tired and get to go to sleep again.
    Constantly thinking there’s nothing good about me.
    Most days I feel extremely bored, but I don’t want to do anything and can’t focus on my studies either.
    Then I get that one random day, or days when I feel fine so I convince myself I’m an attention seeker, or just moody, and I’m actually fine.
    I constantly think my boyfriend doesn’t actually love me and it’s just a matter of time until he leaves me or cheats on me, and then I start to imagine how that would happen. I want to tell him everyday, but I never do cause I think it’ll put him off me. We’ve talked about it a few times, but I played it down, and I think I’ll annoy him if I tell him again.
    I cry most days and I don’t know why and I’m scared to think of the future cause I don’t think it’ll happen, and that if I imagine it, the complete opposite will happen. I don’t have any goals.
    Everyday I want to not be anyone, but then I feel extremely lonely.
    I want someone to notice and tell me NO, YOU’RE NOT FINE!!! Instead of ‘oh okay’.

  123. I have not yet been diagnosed with depression, simply because I’m too scared to ask my father to take me to see a doctor. Last time I asked he got very angry, almost like I triggered something in him but I’m not sure. I strongly feel like I do suffer from some stage of depression however. I am constantly tired, even if I drink a ton of coffee. I don’t remember the last time I was actually awake.
    I am always hungry/never stop eating.
    I get aches in my lower back and I’m unsure why, it’s more uncomfortable than painful though (it’s not there all the time).
    I find it very difficult to wake up in the morning, I usually pass this off as a normal human struggle but from seeing how other people react my opinion is changing. I feel heavy and sometimes I want to cry when I wake up. I’ve just not shown up to weekend plans sometimes without telling the person. I stay in bed all day and isolate myself from the world. I ignore people on purpose then get mad at them thinking they’re ignoring me. I constantly put myself down about how people feel about me even though I know that sometimes I am the issue. I’ve lost many friends from doing this. I constantly feel alone and unliked by people.
    I have an uncomfortable feeling in my chest, its the feeling you get before you cry or when you get a “bad feeling” about something. It’s always there. Sometimes I don’t notice it but sometimes I randomly get a punch of it in my chest and I’m back to square one.
    It’s been really bad recently. For example, I had to walk to the bus stop by myself and I called my friend and started to cry. Literally over nothing. I started saying how the group of people I went out with didn’t care about me because they didn’t walk me and all of this childish stuff. Little things just get me very emotional. I get angry easily at my friends and family too.
    I can’t list any more stuff, simply because I can’t think very well… It’s 2am.

    I’m just lost and I don’t really know what to do. What if I’m making a big deal out of something that is just temporary? I don’t want to make my father go through the pain again and get a doctor all for me to be okay again by the time I go to see him!

  124. I don’t know if i’m depressed, i’m scared i’m psyching myself out, like i’m worrying over nothing. Is it normal to cry everyday? Is it normal to feel so alone even though you’re not and hate people who are happy and have a perfect life. I’ve never felt wanted in my whole life, everyone around getting the comfort they need when i’ve always been left out and left alone. I’ve experienced tramatic experiences and I am constantly afraid that I am always being judged by other people. My parents and family can annoy me so much some days that I fall asleep for hours, refuse dinner, sit unemotionally, exhausted in my bed while my parents scream at me for being rude and not understanding what tired feels like and that “everyone feels tired” But my parents don’t know that my tired is a mentally worn down mind and body and takes me 20 minutes to get out of bed. I contemplate my surroundings and wonder why i’ve been chosen to feel this alone,and cry in my room but quiet enough so no one can hear me. Am I depressed or am i crazy or am i just over exaggerating. My parents use my weight against me, when they are mad they put me down even if I feel more confident that day. Is this why i’m alone? because i’m fat and ugly and all my friends are beautiful and skinny? There are some days every month or 3 weeks where I am so sad I want to kill myself, I am so confused and I feel like i’m getting scared over nothing. What do I do, am I depressed or am I crazy. Honestly, please tell me.

  125. Well Depression for me is Like Being at A Party with everyone I love but still can’t be happy…it’s weird I’ve thought about killing myself nothing seems to keep me happy nothing seems to last long I’ve have plenty of Friends and Family Still feel complete lonely…i often dream/Day dream about Being different people…i cry alot…i hold in all these feelings…I’m normally the “Go To” person I’m normally the person everyone can depend on…I’ve never understood why i was that person when i can’t even depend on myself…everything irritates me I’d rather be completely Alone… I’m not very social at times like very dry answers to whoever speak to me..the people closes to me i become very mean to them even when i don’t mean to it just happens and i regret it everytime…I’m full of regrets and to think i wanted to go to school to be a Clinical psychologist and can’t even help myself i wish i could but i can’t..i find myself lying and always giving people excuses to why i can’t come hang out when it’s really cause i wanna be alone…the sadest part is everybody think I’m the most happiest person in the world but truth is i feel like the sadest i cry for no reasons sometimes…it’s just so much to say but idk how to say it like there’s no words..i don’t even know if this makes sense…but anyways I’m 24 been dealing with this forever i just pray that one day i can love myself and be happy

  126. I feel worthless. I haven’t been doing any homework since the start of the year because it feels like torture. I don’t even know why this happened to me. I don’t even have a major reason. I feel like shit and I feel guilty. I don’t want to take medicine. I already take 5 because I don’t eat that much. Never have. I have no social skills. I can’t express myself. I feel like crying everyday,and I can’t. My eyelids keep hurting and I don’t know why. I spend most of my time on a computer. I’m to scared to suicide, and I don’t want to end my life. Even though life has become a slow process, I’d rather suffer for all this time than see eternal darkness, not feel, and have no memories. Memories of my childhood are all that I have to hold onto now.

  127. Hi, no one will probably reply to this. But I feel so…dull. I dont care about anything anymore. I skip interviews and just sit in my room. I dont even feel like crying anymore. I feel so weird. I dont want to get up in mornings.

  128. Depression… changes from day to day. Some are good, some are bad. For me, it’s like. A ghost, a really heavy ghost just floating around with me. I don’t feel “sad” as such, I don’t hate myself, I don’t want to die. I like myself. I think I’m a good person, and that my friends and family love me. I have good body image. But I don’t like how the depression makes me. Everything feels melancholy and heavy. I sleep too much or too little; I barely manage to eat one meal a day. I’m always, always exhausted. Seriously, I’ve never been so tired in my life! I constantly need a rest, I can’t stay out for too long, and even when I do go out for a short while (going to the shops or something) I come back and just sleep. I can’t achieve anything any more, because everything takes so much effort. I can’t do my work, I can’t draw, paint, sing, play guitar, watch TV, play video games. I can’t talk to friends without feeling exhausted and unable to deal with them. Hell, they frustrate me – everything does now. I feel guilty because that’s not me in any way at all; I’m the person other people turn to for help and understanding. And I feel like this illness will stop me from achieving anything with my life, that I’ll never live up to my potential.
    I don’t want to hurt myself and die – at all – but sometimes I feel like fading away would just be so much less exhausting and melancholy. I’m sick of being depressed. It makes me not me, you know? Probably doesn’t help that I also have OCD, haha.

  129. feeling low tonight, looking at dating sites makes me feel awful.
    Sometimes I think I’m pretty but oftentimes I think I’m so ugly I don’t belong in this world.
    I want to kill myself since 7yrs old I’ll held my breath underneath and don’t breathe for 3 minutes.
    I think I was so smart I know I don’t want to live my life.
    It didn’t get better I think it’s the extential depression, I don’t want to live just to live, I want to live to have an adventure and meet people like me, artist, gypsies, imaginative people.
    I don’t want to be around my dysfunctional and harassing family.
    I’m soon 30 and I haven’t accomplished anything of those dreams.
    I think it’s pathetically telling me how I’m not meant for this world.
    I don’t know. I should be grateful because kids die from illnesses, how ironic huh that mothers and fathers love their kids so much they’ll pay that much to get their kids healthy while other children are born almost invisible to their parents because they’re just another child to support.
    well life is pathetic.

  130. For me, the best way to describe what depression feels like would be that it’s a living nightmare.
    Try to imagine the most realistic nightmare you’ve ever had. Maybe it was something that scared you awake in the middle of the night, and until you woke up, your mind was under the impression that whatever you experienced in that nightmare was absolutely real.
    You felt relieved to find it was only a really bad dream, but you could still recall almost every one of those deep, dark, dreadful and intense emotions associated with that horrible dream.
    Depression feels like this. It feels like you are trapped in a nightmare and at some point you begin to believe that you’re only having a bad dream, but ultimately you come to the realization that you are already awake, no matter how many times you pinch yourself, there is an awful churning rock of dread that drops into the pit of your stomach when you discover that you are not dreaming for once and following that are the dark depths of intense emotions associated with the realistic nightmare I described above. You feel there is no escape. You are completely restrained. No one understands what you are going through. You have a second conscious; a dark side, like another person invading you that constantly brings you down, makes you pessimistic, anxious, sad and uninterested in leisurely activities you once enjoyed. It makes you cry for no reason at all. It takes control of you. It makes you behave, think, speak or act differently than you normally would and that’s only if you can understand what normal really felt like in the first place. You start to isolate yourself from the world. You develop anxiety over countless things that seem stupid to you. Some friends and family will become distant either because they do not know how to deal with the person you’ve become, or because they generally don’t want to be around you. Relationships are difficult to utterly impossible. Your dark side reminds you that every negative thing that happens around you is your fault, that you’re a failure, and depending on the person that depression affects, that dark side convinces you that you can’t amount to anything, so you contemplate what a terrible life you have and consider ways to cope with the pain, if not acting on them. You’re in constant suffering, like you have a noose around your neck, hanging and waiting for death to follow.
    I have had to be coaxed into realizing that the drama in my life was caused by depression. I had gone almost 12 years before finally getting help. Depression will affect everyone differently, though. I only speak from my point of view, and for me, depression has been quite struggle to sometimes believe I have it combined with trying to accept it as something I can never cure.
    On the plus side, depression is treatable and it is possible to once again feel like the person you once used to be. Believe me, there are people in the world at this very moment who care about those that suffer. There is someone out there that doesn’t know any of us, but they care– especially when friends, family or relationships seem to fall apart. I had to learn everything the hard way and I understand what it’s like to have your own blood push you away because of your mental illness. My closest sibling did this to me after years of dealing with how depression affected me.

  131. I have some symptoms and I am depressed some of the time only. I also cut myself during that time but rarely. Does that count as being depressed.

  132. I’ve been going through really bad depression since I was in my early twenties. I think it started when I was about 23 or 24 and i’ll be 29 this year. So I guess seven years of pure hell, but I remember wanting to kill myself as far back as middle school. Back then I had the distinct feeling that I was never going to amount to anything, and that’s still something that pretty much defines how I feel now being depressed in my twenties. I typically feel like a walking curse every day. I feel like I hurt or wound every person that gets close to me and that all I am is an embarassement to everyone. Life just hurts and lately i’m perpetually tired. I don’t know how to describe how my depression feels-the light isn’t as bright, it’s extremely hard (if not impossible) for me to feel happiness and joy, the natural world holds little to no meaning, i don’t care about ANYTHING…i could go on. Pretty much everything on this list I hit and have dealt with or already deal with. But I really don’t want to. I have a lot of trouble sleeping-I either can’t fall asleep or I don’t sleep through the night, or else I have night terrors where I bolt upright and run out of bed screaming.
    My main focus is the very specific fear that my grandpa is going to die. He and my grandmother raised me, so I really have more of a strong connection with him and my grandma than I do with my actual parents. This tortures me. Sometimes I can’t sleep because of it and its the first thing on my mind before I wake up and the last thing before I go to sleep. This fear and the soul-deep emptiness that I feel-like I’m a black hole that can’t ever be filled are the worst symptoms. They steal my hope and every positive emotion that I have. To this day I have pacts hidden around my room on notepaper that say if I haven’t accomplished such and such a thing by the time i’m 35 (that’s my cut-off date) i’ll kill myself. I don’t know how many of these notes I have hidden around my room, by now it’s probably at over a hundred. At this point, death seems like a welcome friend, plus I would get to be with my grandparents again after they’re gone.

    I want to hurt myself to have an excuse to cry constantly (which I do) but I can never bring myself to do it. So now I just drink at night until I either pass out on my floor or until I have no more desire to drink. I’m in therapy and have been for about six months, but it’s not helping, because I simply feel worse or about the same as when I started. I’m just so tired and I really want to rest and be done with everything.

  133. I’ve been through depression before
    It haunts me….I feel like no one understands what I feel like. Sometimes you feel like your nothing to anyone and have no reason to live. Everything around you seems like they want to get away from you too.I feel like my family is treating me like I’m nothing to them…I’m just a dog.I used to LOVE hanging out with my friends, using electronics, and playing but now I don’t. The only time I feel relaxed is when it rains. I think of rain as my home.When you have depression, you want your life to end….

  134. I’m madeline and I’m 14 years old.I feel like there is no point in life and I just want to spend my days rotting away in my bed until I die. I have depression, BPD, bulimia,and social anxiety disorder. I had depression when I was 10 and that lasted for about 6 months maybe. But it recently came back and I find no point in life because i’ll be too scared and depressed and anxious to talk to people in the future. I’m so severely depressed I just want to die and I just wish I would fall asleep and never wake up. Also bulimia is killing me so if I keep purging i’ll die and that’s what I want.

  135. Don’t give up! Don’t EVER give up! Where there is life, there is hope.My depression started when I was a teenager. I went more than 40 years dealing with it the best I could,struggling to survive, raise children, do what was necessary, never understanding what was wrong with me.I suffered from all those symptoms listed above. The only reason I am still alive is because after all that time I finally confided in a friend and she convinced me to take a medication. I was one of the lucky ones- the first one I took (Viibryd) worked. This depression is genetic in my family- my 25yo daughter also is affected, but has responded to the same drug. Prozac made her worse,St. John’s wort helped but not nearly enough, and two other drugs almost caused a suicide. The point is, there may be an answer. Don’t give up, don’t give in. Keep moving the best you can, take the steps you can, and always keep looking for answers- the looking helps keep hope alive. My life has been resurrected. I wish I could wrap my arms around each one of you and give you strength to keep on…

  136. I’ve been alone for my whole life so far, i love sports im actually really good at basketball and football I wish my family was more supportive of me in sports, but anyways im 22 years old now i always work hard and i always give everyone a helping hand, i try to help people when i see someone sad or has problems n I always give them good advice, I dont have friends i just work, sometimes i get real depressed n think of suicide n plan out my whole death n everything, but then i think of my mom because I love my mom so freakin much I will never leave her alone, sometimes i sit n think alot really deep thoughts, i really wish someone would be there for me because throughout my life it seems like no one really cares for me, so i have to care for myself, I have a few great ideas i been working on, hopefully everythin falls into place n I can make a fortune from it n become famous lol, but seriously hardwork paysoff, I just know it will, i hope it will, “Never Give Up Hardwork Paysoff” thats my quote

  137. Well, I am 18 currently. In college (NC A&T) and have gone through my entire experience there depressed. Since I was in 7th grade to be exact. I could tell you my whole story and how I just now detected it, 2 weeks before my Knowledge 19 (19th birthday). But I guess I’m different. I have been shown what that path would lead to…well for me eventually. I lived in my own hell, I think I know how I ended up there too. Anyway, I have decided to turn my life around and I feel free. Lifted. New. If anyone wants to talk with me on how I got this way or can help you, email me at: “heyeway@gmail.com”

  138. My depression started off slightly when my mother was diagnosed terminally ill with throat cancer, its been there ever since. I describe it as being in another world not caring anymore not doing or enjoying the things I once did.i feel like I’m so slow in thought and movement.the life I once loved seems so far away. I struggle to switch off particularly for sleep. I feel like I’m in coma my day to day life is turned upside down I cant concentrate on the simplest things such as doing the washing up or watching tv. I don’t know how to turn this around I feel lost have palpations most days. I cant remember appointments I’ve even fallen asleep on the bus and ended up 2 miles from my bus stop. My mother passed away 10 months ago. I watched her take her last breath.

  139. On the verge of tears. I’ve been depressed from the time I was a small child. Now that I’m older I’m pushing people out of my life. Sadly, nothing is “wrong” in my life. It’s just me. If I take medication then I get “high” at some point. I don’t want that either. Just some balance.

  140. I wasn’t officially diagnosed, but I had depression for a few weeks. It was when all my friends left me behind. I felt a little bit hopeless when the last friend walked away. Then the hopelessness began eating away at me. I began to feel lonely and empty. A week didn’t feel like a week unless I cried at least once. I was even crying on Christmas day, when things were supposed to be happy and hopeful.
    When I discovered that something was wrong, I realized that everything felt as if it was slowing down. The only way to describe it is that I felt far from becoming happy again.
    I went to tell my Father that I might have SAD (Seasonal Affective Disorder), but he didn’t listen. All he responded with was “your mother has that too”.
    What would set me off in public was when I saw people with their friends. One time, I was about to go to watch a show with the rest of my performing arts course. I saw everyone together, talking and laughing. I was the only one alone. I felt as if I was marooned on a desert island, yet people could see me and hear me but refuse to make an effort to rescue me.
    I wish someone would have done something about it. Total strangers on the Internet even spoke to me about how I felt. I wanted to give up because everything felt so bland and pointless. I couldn’t even write and act to the best of my ability.
    I don’t know what I felt,
    I knew it had to be close to depression.

  141. I cant concentrate on anything anymore. Im feeling more drained than i used to, i miss home. I feel like im alone and i dont know what to do. Its hard talking to people or when i do it doesnt make me feel any better. My mind gets off of it when i do morning exercises but you cant do that all day so my mind wonders back to the sadness. I dont even know whats wrong with me tbh inhonestly dont know why im so sad but i am. Im trying to get out of it really hard trying to focus but i just cant. It feels like its just getting worse.

  142. I’ve just recently been diagnosed and to me in physically and emotionally draining. Back when I was first diagnosed, I frequently had these episodes where I would get voices in my head telling me that I was worthless and i should go kill myself. I didn’t know what to do so I would hit my head with my hand or other objects or I would scratch myself. I haven’t had an episode like that in a long time. However, I still get the voices in my head but have learned to ignore them through a counselor. The feelingnof hopelessness and worthlessness is still there and it’s more annoying than anything because it interferes with my college life. There is physical pain that I have too. My back hurts a lot.
    It really sucks..

  143. I’m not sure if I’m depressed, but things just seem hard. It’s hard to think, it’s hard to do my regular job, it’s really, REALLY hard to talk to anyone about anything related to me. My friends come to me all the time with their problems and I listen and I actually like listening because I feel useful. Then they hang up and I feel empty.

    I’m by myself a lot becuase my husband and I work opposite hours. That’s not going to change for several months. I have a full time and 3 part time jobs that I genuinelly like. Don’t tell me to practice yoga, I AM a yoga teacher and I practice 3 – 4 times a week.

    I look around at my house and I can identify things that other people would love to have – clothes, clean water, the computer I’m typing on, shelter – and I KNOW I should be grateful, but I am like…meh.

    Am I just bored? Am I just lonely? Is this depression? Or is it life?

    thanks for listening…

  144. My depression feels like I am constantly drowning underwater. I can see the surface and I want to reach it but I’m so tired and my brain is so full of negative thoughts, it feels like I can’t. It’s like a painful black cloud over my brain that I have no control over removing. On really bad days I don’t even want to reach the water’s surface. I just want to go to sleep forever. I took Citalopram and after a few weeks I felt like I was floating on the water, still with no energy, but it was better. The black cloud was lighter. After another few weeks I felt like I could swim through the water like an Olympian. I could think clearly and enjoy life. I foolishly stopped taking the medication and the drowning/wanting to sleep forever feeling came back. I’m taking it again now so hopefully I will feel like an Olympian again in a few weeks.

  145. Am 66yr. old. Lost the love of my life last year at this time. Have suffered from some depression on/off most of my life. Losing this man sent me off the edge. All the comments I have read I can totally relate to. I have an 90 yr. old friend who has helped turn me to God. I have always been a believer and now is the only way. I am healthy physically and wish I could give the rest of my years to someone whom enjoys life, like my dear friend. She does have trouble understanding why I haven’t been healed by God, and I need to continue to believe. It feels as though it will never end, I am submerged, don’t really feel like doing anything anymore. Really am happy at the end of the day because I can go to sleep soon. Feel awful in the mornings with anxiety, negative thoughts, nausea and full of envy- thinking of people who are happy, successful, going on trips, just wishing I could function. I am scared of people, afraid to talk to anyone and feel humiliated most of the time, when I do. I wish I at least felt like I used to, where I wasn’t such a mess. Death seems like a relief and have wished that I had a disease, and could die soon. Driving past a tree and thinking-that would be a good tree to smack into. I have gotten past the wishes to die and will just have to wait, hoping the Lord will give me some enjoyment of life again. It does feel hopeless and desperate. I look for something or someone to help. I know it is up to each of us to recover but it is so hard and exhausting. I am sorry to read the writings of so many others going through the torment of depression as I am, makes me sad. I wish it would go away for all of us. I am going to pray for all of us. Love to each and everyone of you out there, I truly understand.

  146. I feel so depressed.
    Everyday is a constant battle
    My husband doesn’t make it easier
    Constantly reminds me of mistakes I’ve made and has dragged me down more below than I feel.
    I can’t do anything right.
    I have no place to live and currently living a nightmare with my kids
    All I want to do is sleep and forget everything
    I usto love to cook now it just disgusts me.
    I hate my life, I hate myself
    I’ve gained so much weight from being depressed. I’m not the girl I usto be
    I tried to change and just let things pass me by but it’s impossible.
    To my husband everything I do is bad. I I talk or if I stay quiet it’s always something.
    Now I’m pregnant
    I vomit everyday
    And sometimes don’t eat at all to not feel sick
    I hardly take care of my kids or want them around
    I have no idea what I’m going to do with another baby
    I’m tired of being at home all day everyday with them
    I never have time for myself
    I can’t even fix myself anymore
    I feel ugly and horrible
    I don’t like going anywhere
    All I want to do is get in a dark hole and sleep all day everyday
    I want for once them to take care of me instead of me worrying about everyone.
    I don’t know how I’m going to get through this it’s been months and still I continue to feel the same.
    Maybe everyone will be happy when I die
    I’ll stop all the crap that’s going on in my life.
    I hate myself
    I hate everything about me
    I wish everything could go back to normal and that I could be that perfect girl I was back then
    But I’m human we all make mistakes and God knowshe knows how much I regret all I’ve done.
    I’ve given my life to Christ but nothing seems to be repairing.
    Nothing seems to get better.
    I love my husband and kids but I just feel that they all hate me
    And don’t want me around
    I try so hard to please them but this pregnancy has me so sick I just don’t have energy sometimes
    Can they understand.

  147. I’ve been depressed like anyone else in the world I suppose, who really has experienced life – with its ups and downs.
    The thing with depression is that for people with it, life is just down. Maybe you will get a day of up or an hour, but then its down and stagnant again.

    Depression can stem from so many things. No drugs will cure it, because depression stems from problems you have…

    Failure: A BIG one. Its hard to feel up when you feel like a loser and humiliated after failing something; a business venture for example that went bust almost immediately… Its humiliating and demoralizing.
    Easy route to depression.

    People: Being surrounded by assholes is a sure fire way to enter into depression.

    Perception Issues: Perception can get you there, but depression keeps you there by manipulating your perceptions.

    Overall: TRAPPED. A person who is depressed can never see a way out, whatever their issues.

    And to top it all off, if you have a number of crises going on at the same time, you will break completely and enter into a low that is beyond dark.

  148. My whole life, I’ve felt odd. I never really liked my mother, for one reason or another and it only got worse after she divorced my father and took us girls with her, when I was 8. My 2 older sisters soon went back to my father, me only after 5 years and the school psychologist told them I had to. Life never got better, I still to this day feel odd. I feel like people look at me funny, they say mean things and it bothers me forever. I remember negative things for forever and a day. I feel like the only people that like me are my husband, my kids and my dogs. No matter how I try, I feel everyone else could care less if I disappeared. I don’t feel as though I am paranoid, I truly believe this is real. If I had a funeral, only my family would show up. I have felt this way my whole life and nothing seems to change. I cry a lot, but I don’t feel depressed, but something must be wrong with me.

  149. I’m almost 16. I know I should be excited about this and feel a new sense of freedom about being able to drive and get a job and be able to do things without my family, but the truth is, I don’t. I have a boyfriend and he makes me happy, but he doesn’t even know that I feel the way I do. I feel like the life as been sucked out of me, I cry about almost everything and it’s ridiculous and I can’t even stop myself from crying. I feel sad almost all the time and it never goes away, all I want is for it to go away. I have such a hard time getting up in the morning, today my mom told me I have to start waking myself up in the morning, and I don’t know how I’m going to do that. I don’t have any friends because I’ve pushed all of them away because I don’t want to be friends with people who have said mean things to me or behind my back and my mom doesn’t get that, she thinks that I just need to be friends with everybody but she just doesn’t get it. I don’t have anyone to talk to. When I’m in school I can’t focus on what the teacher is saying because I don’t care, I want to care but I just can’t. I want to go to a great college and be a writer or a social worker but I don’t feel like I can achieve those dreams because I can’t do anything in school. My family makes me very angry all the time they don’t even do anything they talk to me and I get very very upset. I went to therapy for awhile 2 years ago but the therapist told my mom I was okay and I wasn’t I wasn’t at all and my mom just yanked me out of therapy without even asking me and i just feel so messed up and sad. I don’t even know if I have depression but I feel like I am living with it.

  150. Wow! Depression is some bad stuff. Like a monster that wants to eat me alive. I try to remember when I was young and full of life. It was decades ago. Nobody thinks I should be depressed because I have done so much.

    I wake up every morning and know I have talk to my wife about trivial matters. Matters I quit caring about years ago. Get some help she says. I’ve had help several times. Same old treatment. 100 dollars an hour to talk to someone who doesn’t understand. Take up a hobby. Why? Get out there and open up. To whom?

    I’m a Marine Corp vet. Supposed to be a tough guy. I don’t feel so tough. I have family that doesn’t care. Loneliness is my only friend. Go to church they say. “No” I say.

    The docs used to give me valium, Librium for anxiety. Now they got new drugs I don’t want. My mind doesn’t think fast and I can barely understand what people are saying. I’m not sad. I’m blank. I don’t care about anyone or anything. I used to be generous. I ache all over and only want to watch TV or look out the window.

    My wife says snap out of it. How do I do that when it’s ancored like a boat in shallow water. I tried to get disability benefits. The doc asked me a few questions. Never saw the guy before, but after 15 minutes he deemed I could work. What is the matter with those idiots? Seems like I lost the keys to my own destiny. I could go on and on. What good would it do?

    This is what depression feels like.

  151. I drew something (mildly disturbing) recently that I think explained my situation pretty well. It helped me to kind of make sense of what I was feeling.
    It feels like there’s a barrier between who I am and what I can think/feel, so it’s like everything I experience is dulled (and I’m forced to be aware of it), but the person buried deep inside is strangled and bleeding. The worse part is being able to feel the barrier.
    Personally, my depression hits hard if one of two things happen. 1: if the “separation” increases to the point where I end up feeling completely numb, empty, and/or trapped (this is when I tend to relapse). Or 2: if the “separation” decreases to the point where I can feel everything with raw intensity… and if that raw feeling happens to be pain, it’s kicked up to something so unbearable, feelings suddenly become a very bad thing.
    One of my problems is that I will get pretty stable, be able to ignore the barrier and still keep in touch with the person inside, though everything I feel will be dulled to where nothing can bother me all that much, and I’ll get used to it. I can be at peace with it. The problem: when I try getting close to other people or I experience a lot of happiness, the barrier changing size all the time becomes extremely noticeable AND I end up in touch on-and-off with the person within who’s sensitive and starts bleeding every time the barrier comes back up even a little bit.
    So with even the slightest instability, whether from good things or bad, generally goes on a downward slope to raw pain pretty quickly.
    I guess I’ve gone for kind of an odd way of explaining it, but I hope this helped someone. There’s plenty I missed about this, like the lack of drive, the fact that even little tasks can be overwhelming, and the numerous other effects, but I did my best. If I had any advice, it would be just to hold on tight and to never give your happiness to anyone else. They don’t deserve that much power over you.
    And really, please trust me when I say you have much, much more power than you think and it will be worth it.

  152. Feeling lonely like I am not here but inside looking out at the world that is happy and laughing. what dos it feel like to be happy.I some time’s have little flash backs to the Times I uesed to want to get out of bed. now my bed is my life.I feel nobody cares or is even interested whether I am here or not.feel like I am in a different world one where everything is dark there is no sunshine no laughter no nice feelings just Dred.I don’t want to feel like this I want to be happy again but don’t know how.just sitting in this bubble watching and waiting for someone to come and rescue me but thay never come thay just walk on bye and smile like I am one of them.but I am not. I scream help me but no one ever dos.

  153. I can relate to almost all of the above because for the last 20 years the only time I am happy is when I am asleep and dreaming as soon as I open my eyes all I can think of is wanting to take my own life the days are long my body hurts constant headaches , cry at the drop of a pin rarely venture outside . I am 56 yr old male raised 2 daughters by myself & they are the ONLY reason I am still here as I don’t want to hurt them , No one even wants to listen all I hear is snap out of it IF ONLY it was that easy , doctor put me on Zoloft 500 but nothing changed am no longer on them figured don’t do nothing why take them & now I don’t even go to doctors as I was getting well where do you want to go from here I DONT KNOW

  154. When I’m depressed, I want to die and have it be over. When I’m not depressed, that thought never even occurs to me. Depression almost feels like physical pain, but one that can’t be described. It is always there in the background coloring everything you do. How horrible I think I am and how lazy! I can sleep all day and then sleep some more. I don’t get dressed or washed, I can’t be bothered. Each time I think of what I should be doing, I reach for food–nothing healthy, mind you–just something with sugar or salt and fat. I don’t want to go anywhere, and I don’t want to deal with people. The only place I make sure to go is to see my therapist. I would have been dead long ago if it wasn’t for him. It may yet happen. The first episode of depression that I remember was when I was 17 years old. I didn’t even know what it was at the time. I just laid on the couch and listened to music while thinking of ways to die. I’m 64 now and have had episodes my whole life. People can never believe I am depressed because I always put on my smiley face for them. I go around the corner and my face collapses into a face of pain. I’ve taken various meds over the years, some helpful and some not. I used to cry at the drop of a hat, but since taking Lexipro, I can hardly cry at all. It is helpful at work (it was so exhausting to try to not cry there) but it seems unnatural somehow. I just wish the pain would stop permanently, and I wouldn’t hate myself and life anymore.

  155. I’m struggling so much right now to keep going on with life. It’s a feeling of existing but not living. I had to call a hotline last night. Meds aren’t helping much and I can’t really explain why I’m so sad. Not able to do anything. I don’t want to dress stay in pj’s all day, get out of bed,showering, cleaning anything I have no desire to do. And when I do something it takes all that in me to do it. I have no energy. I’m wasting my life away. I’ve gained 40 pounds because food does comfort me I quit smoking and now I have nothing to do or have any interests in. I don’t want to go on this way. I’m trying to see my doctor but I feel like no one is listening. I do know I need help.

  156. Honest to god this explained every bit of everything I feel daily… I thought I was alone. I guess it helps a bit more knowing someone else can connect to I. It’s been really stressful and depriving for me lately, and just to think how reading this made me feel much better… Not like I am cured or anything, but it’s better to know that if ever I do go, it’s not without excuse… But if is a strong word. Great article.

  157. my eyes are dead and my smile is forced. i feel alone constantly battling something inside me. i feel blank. i try to get busy but it still lingers like a shadow. i want to be in love just so i can have a feeling which i can identify. lately, i have a habit of spacing out and i need wine to sleep.

  158. My depression is a sinister, evolving, morphing, living, breathing beast in my life. It’s a devilish trickster that works on me slowly until there is nothing left. It will ground you down into nothing, until the very thought of breathing or moving becomes a dread-induced nightmare. Family and friends transform into malicious evil forces that wish harm on you, and your own cries for help echo into the eternal void of misery. Food, sex, pleasure, and the natural stimulation of the world is a distant memory, replaced by the gnarling mist of depression’s relentless violence. Suicide becomes the only hope for a way out.

  159. It always comes back, sooner or later. I’ve had it most of my life. For me, it hasn’t gotten better, it’s how it is, most of the time now. There might be a couple of hours, or a day, where things feel more or less okay but basically it’s just waiting for this joke of a life to be over. Like many here said, going through the motions. Sleep is the only thing I really want to do anymore.

  160. Most of my life I have felt a sense of loss especially in the winter months. I don’t like fall, especially dislike night fall, just about the time the sun sets in the winter months. As the light goes away, and darkness comes in. I feel scared afraid that there is nothing there. I feel apart of life, except I am not. Like st any moment I will fall in the abys. I have many good thoughts, but nothing seams to make sense. I try to smile with my kids and wife, but not sure why I would smile. No reasons pee say. Laughter is hard for me, not natural. I am in a need of want, but unclear of what. I couldn’t tell you what would make me happy, have troubles making decisions. I think I am loved, but no idea what that looks like. Or why. I feel as i am defective.

  161. l am so glad l came upon this forum ,l have live most of my life with on/off depression,my panic attacks have been a part of the depression,l have P.T.S , my dad died of lung cancer,l had a break down,then three years ago my mom dist of throat cancer and she did not smoke,a year later my husband died of lung cancer,last week my mammogram came back showing a place that is 7cc in size l am to have another mammogram in 6 months,l am scare but trying not to panic ,l need your prayers

  162. I think I’ve been depressed most of my life. My father was an alcoholic, I was adopted, I was the whipping ‘girl’ in the house. I was blamed for everything that went wrong. I received so many beatings, at the hands of m father, I can’t put a number to it. I could never please him. I married the first man that asked me (also an alcoholic), just so escape, had two beautiful children. Divorced him. The children gave me a purpose, so I could put all my energy into them. My mind was always on them. I could forget my past. When they grew up, I went thru ’empty nest’ syndrome … bad. I have 99% of the symptoms listed. I have a daughter I see frequently and grandson I adore. I have a son, that has decided to be a lifelong bachelor (because of me), that absolutely hates me. I’ve done everything to win his love, affection and approval. I realize I spent my early life trying do that very same thing with my father. that list does not include the feeling of being, just, lost. LOST. I am now 64….lost, useless, old, invisible, unwanted and realizing my time is limited and, to tell the truth, i’m glad. I could go on and on and on, but nobody wants to hear this. So, i’ll shut up. Thank the Good Lord I keep a journal.

    1. Hi Delisa, I want to thank you for sharing your story. I want to let you know you are worthy, deserving in living your truth. You are not old, you are very strong to go through what you have gone through. I want to thank you for sharing your strength.

  163. I just don’t know how to explain. But people say it’s good to write things on your mind and share it to others.

    I used to be an active person, I mean I could do anything, I was so happy. I had a real great life, which I can only see it in the dreams now. When I remember those times. I start crying. I can’t remember all the great moments of course.

    Anyway, everything was fine till last years and I don’t even know why or how it went so bad. But right now, my life is gray, everything moves slowly, every movement I try to take will finish in a failure. And it all went to worst when I lost my mom almost 2 years ago. I used to live with her in the last years. Now I feel hopeless about my desires.

    Besides of all the things I mentioned, I have anxiety. I feel anxiety about everything. I do also feel guilty for no reason. I can give you a example, a car crash happened, I start telling my self I could stop that car crash. And the worst part is I think I was the reason of that. So yeah I feel guilty about any wrong decision I take or anything bad happens in my life.

    Well the doctor gave me things to do some great stuff, something like other happy people do. I tried, but I failed, again. Then they gave me pills, they were fine, but they made me more slower. So I decided to stop taking pills.

    Then I made the worst mistake in my entire life, smoking cigarettes and using drugs. It was fine at first you know, I mean it was really great. But after months I found out I’m doing the biggest mistake in my life and it’s not going to help me. So I stopped taking drugs and only smoking cigarettes till I completely stopped smoking cigarettes. I think it was the only good decision I made in my life, but it was just for 14 months, I started smoking last day. That is why I’m here now, writing worst parts of my life. Because right now, I scare going to drugs again. I really scare that.

    I wish the bests for the people like me, people who are dealing with depression/anxiety. And I hope no one go through that.

    Sorry for my bad English btw, English is not my main language.

  164. I loved him who had lover already then I tried to forget him but I can’t do it . Can’t forget him . How should I do ? All are simple but I can’t leave him and I can’t make that decisions. I hate myself why I missing to him every day & night. That feelings make me crazy. I don’t wanna have that feels anymore .

  165. Deep feelings of shame and guilt. Embarrassment at being a burden. Crippled by anxiousness, being constantly worried something will happen to my kids or husband. Being the black sheep of the extended family, my illness is the result of the narcissistic traits of both of my parents and intense emotional abuse and pressure as a child. Knowing that it is not my fault does not make it easier. Wishing every day that they loved me. I just want this feeling to go away but the more I try to make it go away the further it pulls me in. Having an intense desire for someone to reach into my brain and take away whatever it is that isn’t working. This depressive episode has lasted since January 2014, so two years now, I’m not sure how much longer I can go on, I exist for my children only. Seeing the world as it really is, full of corruption, lies and war. Feeling the weight of my comfortable Western lifestyle whilst being powerless to stop it. Despairing at the success of ignorant non-empathetic money-worshippers. Being called ‘mentally insufficient’ by chavs despite having an IQ of 146. Losing interest in things I used to love, like music. Always seeing the worst in every situation. Crying silent tears when people are not looking, my head inside a glass jar whilst it slowly fills with water. I would not wish this disease on my worst enemy.

  166. Recently I can’t seem to pull out of this state of mind. Every event seems meaninglessness. I care about yhe people around me and I want good for everyone, but when it comes to myself I hope for the worst and see the worst. My thoughts are always negative and paranoid. I just wish that I could take myself apart piece by piece. Outings with friends feels like I’m looking through a foggy glass. I’m always worried about how their feeling about what I have said. There is no end to my feeling of worthlessness.

  167. It’s hard to describe, everything feels black and white, like nothing has a significant meaning or outcome, you feel burdened as if you need to come out, but as what? Sad? You feel that no one understands you, you cry over things you usually wouldn’t thinks that wouldn’t have a big meaning to you, if you’re not crying you want to cry, everything is black and white, friends and people you thought you liked seemed kind of insignificant to you now, you feel your life is completely monotonous everything is now boring you look for something to make you happy, to make your life more exciting, to give you something to look forward to, but it seems to be a novelty that quickly wares off, I don’t have any cures. You’re so much more different than everyone around you, you have no motivation, you do things that you aren’t motivated to do therefore having no purpose, I don’t know how to treat it monotony consumes me and my energy, but it’ll eventually pass, you will be able to live a happy life one day, won’t that be a day, when you’ll feel comfortable once more, happy again. I feel better being able to vent on here thanks for reading, bye!

  168. I think the main article hit the nail on the head. I have dealt with suicidal depression for 30 years and am nearly 40 now. I just recently stayed inpatient at a mental hospital for another suicide attempt. I start thinking about all my failures in life, how I suck as a husband and father, how I dropped out of college, how I lost every job I’ve lost and how poorly I’m doing at my current job. I think of all the money we should have either saved or invested wisely, but it slipped away because I was afraid to speak up. No one seems to listen to my reasoning behind things, so life is made so much more complex and tiring than it should be. It’s like being in a deep well, seeing just a speck of light at the top that is unreachable. Then you just don’t want to see that light anymore and wish it would finally fade to black. I start thinking existentially, seeing there is no point in this life after all. And then the thought of not feeling anymore and not existing anymore feels comforting. No amount of medication or positive thinking has ever worked because we see just how real this darkness is. I’m only holding on for family and friends, but my wish is that I go to sleep and never wake up.

  169. im only 14 and its so difficult for me to even wake up in the morning and get out of bed. it takes me forever to get ready, everything feels like its in slow motion, like minutes are hours and days feel like weeks. school is a distraction on most days but occasionally i’ll find myself drifting into a dull world during class. at home, im not motivated to do anything, i dont procrastinate on my homework, i just CANT do it. i just lay in bed and i dont talk to anyone. im never hungry and when i do eat it makes me feel sick (i dont have any eating disorders). i cant cry. everything just feels dull. like im so sad i just drown in how sad i am. i enjoy helping my friends with their problems, as well as going on omegle and giving advice to others. its funny because i give out advice that could easily help me, but i cant listen to it. i cant help myself and it feels like nothing is ever going to get better.

  170. Depression is a mental disease that slowly devours our positive emotions and therefore positive outlook in life. I have personally had depression for several years now. I feel nothing has changed even with a concoction mixture of different medicines. It leaves the mind feeling numb. I don’t know if it’s reality that makes me feel this way. I cannot bear the sight of people falling in love with each other while stand alone having to suck up in all their happiness. I feel so alone, it’s not even funny. At times I want to change my persona to a vigilante but I’d be sure I would be screwed either way. Can people just keep romance to themselves. Maybe that’s why bad things happen to good people. Have you ever thought of that? All terror attacks not just in the United States are acts of hatred. Not of ignorance. Whether it’d be a matter of ethics or not, people are very mean. I rest my case.

  171. Hello, everyone. Firsthand, I feel like depression has made me lethargic, unmotivated, dispirited, and empty. It’s been like this for almost 8 years for me, on and off. It really is a nuisance. I’ve made 2 attempts at my life. The first one, I almost slit my throat, but I was interrupted with the sound of my parents coming through the front door. The second time, I was about to overdose on prescription medications, but a friend talked me out of it. I have harmed myself deliberately since I was 12 years old because of a constant cycle of self-loathing. Currently, I’m 16 years old, writing out this, to let people understand how depression feels. It feels like you’re drowning. Faking a smile almost daily. Being at a constant war with yourself. Wanting things to just go away, one way or another. Depression isn’t just sadness. Depression targets all it can and reduces it to near nothing. You feel hopeless. Like you’re in a dark pit, and you see a rope, but that rope only extends to half the distance needed to escape from said pit. The rest is a difficult climb out. The rope symbolizing things like counseling, medications, and other treatments. But a change can only arise if you put forth the effort to get better. People with depression, know this. You are NOT alone, and it ISN’T hopeless.

    Keep fighting,
    From Dean

    1. you couldnt have describe it better. not gonna lie, i was scared to post a comment because i would have to put my email but i figured i may aswell. i began selfharming when i was 12 too. i was clean for 583 days until october of 2015, and ive been clean for a month now. im only 14 and i find it strange that we are so young and still feeling like this. it feels like im an alien and no one else my age understands. i hope you read this, i really liked your comment.

  172. I am a complete useless person. I am betrayed and i also betrayed one of my friend. I am shattered to pieces and i can’t get my shit together anymore. I am devastated by the storm in my life. The storm is so heavy that i can’t bare it anymore. I am done with everything, but i will not end my life, because i just can’t. I have my reasons to live as long as possible. I have been judged without the people understanding me. There are alot misconception in life. I am writing this with no emotion at all, because i don’t trust anyone anymore. My faith helps me keep going on, otherwise i would have already given up. I live alone in this world without having anyone. I go through alot of things that no one seems to understand or care a bit. This world is so cruel and meaningless. People lied about me all my life. I am so unlucky that a small thing in my life changes against me and kills me every single day. I want to say one thing, never give up, keep going. show to the world and yourself that you can cope with all this unbearable pain you hold. Show your strength to all by keep going on and fighting against all the sufferings. Don’t lose hope. I hope you all were here with me so that we could share our pain and sufferings with each other.

    1. I feel your pain friend. Even at this moment I feel exposed and vunerable. There are wolves amongst the sheep that are making this world seem cruel when it’s supposed to be happy and friendly for all people. Betrayal it seems is essential for survival but if to betray one’s brother is to thrive in evilness, then give me death!

  173. It’s like you are on a planet and others are on a different planet and at most you just can wave your hands for eachother!
    My depression is getting worse day after day. I can’t talk to anybody about it. Everynight i wish i die before i wake.
    Every single thing bores me to death. Don’t enjoy anything. Don’t like to go anywhere. I’m even too tired to dress and go somewhere. I really need professional help and don’t have the money for it.
    I’m sick of living. So sick of it that i like to just start running and running and stop where no one knows me.
    P.s. i have everything in life. No major crisis. A very good husband. Good family. Money, etc. And yet i feel this emptiness

  174. I am suffering terribly at the moment. I am finding it difficult to function. I am scared, because I have 2 children to care for. No one in my family understands. maybe only my 6 year old. he asks me whats wrong, and why do I forget things and why I don’t smile anymore. That just makes me even more depressed, because I want to be the best for them but just cant. My husband has no idea what is going on. Mostly because he doesn’t want to. I am loosing him too. My job is killing me. I am just not happy. Actually I don’t know who I am anymore. I am really scared and I don’t know what to do.

  175. Somebody help me right now please! I’m sitting here for an interview feeling hopeless. Been fighting with depression and anxiety for a decade in vain. The only reason I’m stopping myself from suicide is because of my parents. I don’t want to hurt them more

  176. i am beyond depressed, i believe in God because he blessed evry1 else besides me he seems to have forgotten all abt me. i live in a community wer not bng married at my age u r jus insignificant. its not my fault i long for love i cnt find it anywer Godlord i tried i believe life would have bn better with some1 even if hes abusive i wldnot have mind had i bn married wld worship that man but obviously after e lord. My only hope of survival is knowing one day i will leave this place hopefully since its jus me myself and i. but i dont intend to commit suicide myb if e lord rembers me by at least pushing my death tmwr i wld be gratefully since i was not rembered marriagwise.death gives me hope now

  177. I feel like I cant breath. my body hurts all the time and I try & retry to love the things I use to love. I think of how my death would be and if i’ll even be remembered how would I be remembered would my kids even know what I tried to do for them. I’m in a bad relationship its like I live limited and am grounded all the time. sad to say that I was always grounded when I was small because I was abused by my mother. my mother did sick things to me, invaded my privacy, body searched me if she thought I was doing something wrong, slapped me across my face so many times that sometimes I still feel the pain. My father has been gone since 1996 and I feel like that was the last time in my life that I was cared for, and treated well. I ran away to my boyfriend to escape my mom abusing me I was young now I’m about to turn 35 I’ve been suicidal for a while and sometimes the dark spells hit hard, it hurts when we fight argue, the way my boyfriend treats me is so disrespectful, so hurtful, I don’t even feel like I really belong anywhere I just stare off into space and feel/see nothing. I’m depressed, controlled. I want to be happy, well..i don’t remember the last time I felt like I belonged anywhere.

  178. Hello,

    I am 22 and every single day that I have woken up in the past few months I have felt like a failure, a hollow living space. I feel that the brightness of stars is seen because they are shining against the black sky and I am thoroughly convinced that my purpose in life, my reason to be is to exist solely so that my imperfection and failure only underscore how much better someone else is; like it takes the dark to know the light. I feel like the loser in the group. I haven’t had a friend ever since I was ten years old; I have drifted in and out of superficial friendships that extend to the hello, but never ever close enough, never ever good enough for someone else’s acceptance or interest in my life. Girls hate me and boys, think that I am a toilet seat where you’d get off on to relieve them of their immediate, tangible worlds that they care about- their actual wives, their actual girlfriends, their actual careers, their actual lives, etc. If I stop calling up someone one day, I don’t think anyone would bother to call me up to check if I am ok. I am easy to forget and easy to blame and exceptionally easy to hate.
    I have had suicidal thoughts when I was thirteen as well as thoughts of murder but I got over them before anyone got hurt. Now I am just depressed and there was this one moment in my life, one year of hollowness where I was so ashamed to be alive and I’d cry non-stop. I was failing at everything. My school companions shunned me, my school teachers told me I couldn’t do it, I was fatshamed constantly by my family and the feelings of worthlessness and days and days of no progress and repeated failure…. I feel afraid that I am going back to that after all these years and I do not want to plunge that deep because I am afraid that I will not come out this time whole and the broken pieces, I will not be able to hide from the world. I have had suicidal thoughts recently- I was in my college that there is a big open window many stories up and for no reason, I was close to tears and on pure impulse, I rushed towards it. My head was spinning from all that crying and the urge to jump was soooooo………. strong.
    I am so blank that when I go outside my home, my brain freezes- I cannot think, I cannot feel. I am like this boiled vegetable outside. I have no ideas, no desires( no productive desires), no specific dreams, nothing great to contribute anywhere.
    I have turned towards my religion and I practise it more regularly and that helps me you know; I feel better and fuller and the sense of relaxation that creeps over, meditating in prayer is such a rich, pleasant feeling. I wish I could feel like that all the time, and be ok with not being as amazing as others and just being ok with being rejected over and over again by people.

  179. I never want to do anything. Ever. Sleep is the only thing I’m interested in. Everything anyone says really pisses me off, even if it’s something trivial or meant to be encouraging. I start crying all of a sudden and I’ll stop just as quickly as I started. I need help…I feel so lonely and worthless, as if no one wants me around or they keep me around out of pity. It seems as if I’m slowly drifting away from everyone and everything I’ve ever loved and it. Is. Killing. Me. Depression is a real thing guys. It’s like being stuck in a nightmare.

  180. I moved from my home town to be with my amazing partner but all i’ve done for the past 5 months is cry. It feels like i’m hurting but theres nothing wrong in my life. The kids seem more settled and my partner treats me like a princess. We dont argue. I don’t understand why i’m not happy and why i’ve fell into deep depression. I even have suicidle thoughts..I’m been through a lot of bad stuff over the years and keep asking myself if i really kno how to be happy ?? Any advice would be very much appreciated. Thank you

  181. I’ve been through the phases: childhood worry, teenage angst, adult displacement and artistic release, early 30’s regression, and now on to late 30’s dear-deep-dark depression.  There was no feeling today, just an odd sense of shallow breath and consuming, nameless anxiety.  I found myself for the first time saying to others this week, “I am so angry.”  Sometimes the anger is so strong, it’s more like frustration; I imagine this is what it feels like to be paralyzed…and then beat on whatever is near me: slamming doors and drawers, throwing objects, slapping walls, ripping my clothing off to change outfits ten times in a row, wanting to cry but not crying, just seething.  I don’t want anyone to see me this way but sometimes my boyfriend catches me and then I feel ashamed and more angry that I can’t explain or control and he cannot fix.  His problematic behaviors exacerbate all of this.  Some days I want to be no where except work, because it is an escape.  Other days I do nothing all day at my desk except feel burgeoning guilt and fatigue, watching time lag but not able to start any task. So tonight I thought maybe if I took a shower it would wash away the thoughts, but tonight it did not work.  I leaned forehead into the wall with arms crossed and thought of all of it.  Suicide, getting help, medication, reasons, people…all the thoughts were dull and useless.  Then I met all of you.  I exhibit many emotions and responses (not always at the right time). I laugh, cry, go, avoid, resist, give, want, lead, joke, learn, dabble, panic, provide relief, skip work, skip family functions, celebrate friends successes, miss everything I ever loved and regret everything I never did.  My depression is not apathy nor dispair.  It is private and heavy, and I fight through it 24 hours a day even when no one else knows. 

  182. I’m not sure if depression is really something I realize I had until recently. Looking at all of the online lists of symptoms, I found that none of them truly expressed the reality of how depression sneaks up on you, or how at least for me I feel that one day I will be fine and dandy when the next morning I will slip right back down the hole again to find myself not wanting to get up at all. I cancel all of my meetings, skip all of my classes and stay home from work. The activities that I normally love to do are replaced with the activity of finding a place to hide out in my house for the day, just wanting to be left alone. I feel a heavy weight throughout my whole body and much too exhausted to do anything at all. Days like this I have not a care [to do anything] in the world, and the day passes by. Initially I thought I was being a lazy SOB, and at times I think this is the case! But after consulting with a professional, I found I have a condition — which many people experience and not many can overcome without getting help. I have no real success story for you guys, as most of you know there is no true “win” or “overcome” when it comes to depression. It’s a day by day process, that I think we can all learn to live with if we can be sure to get help and hopefully recognize that this is a real issue that is more common than we think. I’m no expert, but know for sure what it feels like to wrestle with it.

  183. Depression feels like nothing. Just empty. Totally numb. I found out last night my boyfriend of 3 years cheated. I should be crying uncontrollably or angry. I just don’t feel anything. I don’t want to eat even though I do feel hungry. I don’t want to interact with my customers or even my kids. I want to go home and lay down and stare off into oblivion until I am able to drift off to sleep. I used to think I was broken… I guess I am in a way.

  184. When I started reading the symptoms above they seem right on!!!
    I just keep thinking where did I go and how do I get back to myself.
    I look at co- workers and think to myself- I used to be like that, what happened to me. I use to smile so, so much and be so happy over smallest events.
    I keep waiting to blame work, because I don’t want to get up in the mornings, I am late to work, I find other stuff to do at work other than working.
    Does anyone know a way out??

  185. Been struggling with anxiety since childhood and depression since adolescence. They both messed my life up pretty good in high school, and I started self medicating with illegal drugs which messed me up more. My family finally forced me into the hospital when I started to seriously self injure, and I started seeing doctor after doctor. A lot didnt understand the issues I faced, and it was frustrating, I fought every step of the process. I was put on ineffective medication that just made me lethargic and weird. I graduated high school a social outcast because of this. After I moved out though I stopped taking my medication, and although I got my personality back and made a lot of friends, within a year I was back in the hospital worse off than I had ever been. The only upside of this little “vacation” was that I was referred to my current psychiatrist, who isn’t all that bad. I was put on a few new and more effective medications, and in the ten months since then I’ve gotten a good job, and an amazing girlfriend. My mood has improved somewhat, but I still have serious issues sometimes with isolating myself, and my emotional issues still cause lots of problems in my life and relationships. At its worst, my depression makes it feel like everything I do and experience is just terrible, pointless and meaningless in the end. But instead of a constant feeling it is starting to come in waves and I’m learning more how to cope with my low points. I hate that I’m probably going to have to learn to live with this illness, but I’m finally at the point where I’m ready to fight back and try to live the best life I can.

  186. As with all the sites online. “Depression” is bad, you “can’t fight it alone” … yet. If you are poor in America, just deal with it. There is zero actual help for anyone when it comes to depression. I am a well educated (two masters degrees) 40 year old guy, since the recession my life has been horrible, no decent job. I’ve watched everything I worked so hard for come to nothing. Watched my children grow up, well loved, but poor. Most days I just really struggle to get out of bed. I have constant thoughts about suicide. No one in my family has the ability to help, or the capacity to help, as they are experiencing all the same things I am. I’m working poor, I don’t have great benefits with any sort of provisions for mental health other than the cursory “call this help line” garbage that gives you a few token counseling sessions, etc. A few years ago I went on anti-depressants, tried three and they were each worse than not being on medication for me. My depression is because I have watched my career burn down, all my dreams are lost, I certainly would have actually committed suicide years ago but I couldn’t do that to my children.

  187. I dont know when this all started, but as far as i can remember i’ve been like this all in my life. Right now i am at the point when i feel absolutely nothing. No joy, no sadness, I dont have any thoughts, my head is empty all the time. And the worst is when i try to tell my family all of this, they just dont give a fuck, or they act like as if i was just exaggerating, or if i was making myself seem stupid all the time.
    I am often angry, and irritated, also rude or its not even rudeness it feels like pure hate, and disgust for everything around me. Sometimes i feel like scraping out my insides to get rid of everything that is there, but how when nothing is there.
    It feels like as if i have no soul.
    I dont care about anyone else’s feelings. Sometimes i think i might be a sociopath, because i am unable to sympathize with ppl.
    I used to love reading, but i dont have the patience for that anymore, its just boring. I was once interested in photography.. i failed at it.
    I always enjoyed drawing but i know i am bad at it because nobody gave a shit so i stopped to upload it. I practiced a lot but after all these years i feel like i am failing at this too. It seems like i am back at square one. Its just seeing all those people who get million times better in just one year. And here i am i have time for it, yet i just cant. I never was a creative person, but fuck it. I had a few creative hobbies but this thing just eats away every creativity.
    Most of the time i’m embarrassed of the things i like. I even feel ashamed of the fact that i like to draw, because people think that if i like it, then i must be good at it, which is not true. This is why i stopped photography too, and also because my camera was not good for macro photography.
    I am a failure, i was and i always will be. I have no friends ( i am extremely introvert so its not really a problem), no job, nothing. I am too old to to go to school, and it would be a waste of time and money, because my memory is really, really bad.
    The only things i have are my cats. They are better than most people, most of the time they are there and they’ll listen. They know how i feel even if i dont say anything. I might be crazy too, but i always said that i am going to be a crazy cat lady and here i am, at age 26 that is the only thing i have accomplished.
    I could write about being like this all day.
    Taking pills is not an opinion for me, because i dont want to get fat again, i am terrified of gaining weight. I cant go to a therapist because of my family. They never supported me in anything… sometimes it seems like as if they dont know how, or they just simply dont care about me. They forget, everybody forgets, and i slowly fade away.
    Now i’ll shut up.
    Sorry.

  188. All the above points are so true. I don’t know when this started to happen to me but I said to myself one day that this might be depression..
    It’s really eating me on the inside and I cry all the time over this dumb shit.

  189. for me, i feel like the days just go by one after another and nothing significant ever happens even if something good does happen. its difficult for me to get excited- and its easier for me to get bored. getting out of bed in the morning takes forever and i feel as if i could just sleep all day. when i look at the world, it feels like a gray film is forever covering my eyes, and nothing seems as beautiful as i may have thought it was before. i feel lost, hopeless, the lowest person i could ever be… i feel as if the world is closing in on me, and every decision i make will affect me forever. i feel trapped, confused, forgotten, alone. i feel like whenever i laugh, it’s never a real one. smiling while i laugh is difficult. everything seems pointless.

    1. These are very similar thoughts and feelings to my own
      I started medication 1 week ago and want to have it all over and done with and feel
      Better already

  190. I just feel tired all the time, no matter how much I sleep. I’m worried about grades (university student) but I’m just too tired to care anymore. It’s almost nauseating to be petrified in fear of failing but being completely unmotivated to do the work anymore. I also live in constant fear of how others judge me. I feel like if I try to reach out to friends, I’ll be accused of faking depression for attention. I know that other people probably feel much, much worse than I do. Actually, scratch out that “probably.” It feels like there’s this elitism, that if you’re able to think “maybe I have depression” that you’re not really depressed and you should suck it up or get over it. There’s this risk that you’ll be accused of being a hypochondriac.

  191. I’m very successful and I participate in a lot of extracurriculars. My grades are all very high, and I live a comfortable life. I feel like admitting to anyone that I feel empty and worried constantly would deem me as spoiled. I have dreams every night about getting in trouble or having an awful grade, which seems ridiculous– but it’s happening, and often. I don’t want to talk to any of my friends, it feels like it physically hurts to think of things to say. My mom is very happy and talkative and she loves me very much and I love her but all I want is for her to leave me alone and I get very angry with her for no apparent reason. Every morning it’s a struggle to get up, and sometimes I cry in the morning or after classes because I remember another responsibility that needs to be taken care of. I used to love playing my violin and now practicing seems like a punishment. I used to love singing but I feel like it’s too loud to enjoy anymore. All I really want to do is sleep, because I’m exhausted. But I can’t because I think of all the things I do and suddenly I feel like if I sleep I’ll fail at everything. I cry all the time but I try to convince myself that I’m perfectly normal and mature and when I’ve snapped out of it, I think, “Wow, that was so petty and dumb. If I tell anyone, they’ll think I’m just a little girl who can’t handle things.” Every time, however, I tell myself I’ll go to my doctor or I’ll tell my therapist these things and I never do. I always think I will, and then when I look them in the face, I can’t anymore. But I’m starting to have passive death wishes, like I’ll fight with my mom in the car and wish another car would slam into us and kill me. Automatic thoughts that I really don’t like and I would never consciously do anything to make them come true yet they just pop there anyway. I feel like nothing will get better, like if I’m stressed out now then later in life I’m going to be a wreck, and I already can’t take it. I was diagnosed with an anxiety disorder in the summer and I’m on Zoloft but it’s not doing anything. I’m just tired and hungry but whenever I want to eat every food imaginable sounds awful and I can’t sleep because I have to constantly check all my assignments, check my doors, check that my lights are off, think about how I can be a better person. I’m tired of worrying and being miserable all the time. I’m tired of crying as I get ready in the morning because I don’t feel like dealing with anything. I don’t know who to tell or how to tell them.

  192. im 19 and have contemplated suicide in the past but couldnt bring myself to do it. im currently at university and really want to complete my studies but sometimes everything i do seem so pointless – including my existence. i have to force my self to stand up some days. mistakes i make really linger in my thoughts, sometimes for days and i feel like a failure. i feel ugly and unworthy of anyone’s attraction. i think this is the reason i feel so asexual – im neither attracted to people in a romantic way. i think everyone’s better than me. i sometimes feel im a mediocre, inadequate and completely stupid especially in class when i do something wrong(work related). i get irritated easily and have moods wings. my happy days are quickly distorted by sudden surges of negative feelings. im really reserved, i dont have fun socially anymore, and most of the time want to be alone. is this what depression feels like?

  193. I’ve never known what it is to feel depressed. Even now I feel like my circumstances are the cause of my worthlessness, but I’m also sure it runs deeper. I don’t want to die because it’ll hurt others; I want to erase my existence so everything can just end.
    I’m so absolutely tired of fighting for the want to live. I just want to stop crying. To stop feeling my ears fill up with water as I lay on my bed staring beyond the darkness at night.

  194. I feel disconnected from the world. Up until a few days ago I was so in love with my girlfriend and now I’m panicking about whether I want to be in a relationship. I feel so detached from everything.

  195. I realized the fact that I am coping with depression as I feel most of the symptoms written above. I am having hard time as my studies, past relationship and other depressing stuff really affected me badly and I cannot stop thinking constantly. I am really having hard time dealing with it. It’s like there is no joy in life. I am afraid of getting hurt. I feel so terrible. I am writing this comment to give a glimmer of hope to anyone who’s feeling the same. Tough time don’t last, tough people do. The only way I keep fighting and keep myself motivating is reading these motivational quotes and fake it till I make it approach. I always try to think about people who are less privileged than I am, to make myself feel better and contented. I value my life and I value my family. I know no matter how bad things go, good days are about to come. Life ain’t easy for anyone. I know that and I try to accept that. Please do not hurt yourself, try to find a hobby and keep yourself busy. Everything gets better eventually, that’s how life works. The more sooner we accept it, the better. There’s someone in the world who loves you. Love yourself. LOVE MAKES LIFE LIVE. Love to all.

  196. All I ever feel is annoyed or angry for no accruals reason.
    Sadness.
    Feels like I do everything and anything wrong.
    Cant handle being around my very loving and happy husband.
    I hurt him aloy for no reason and it makes me mate myself.

    I often feel disrupted without any reason, other than I haye myself.

  197. I’m only 13 and a lot has happened to me in my life. And they aren’t very good things. No one know that I feel bad all the time because I hide it by smiling and laughing. Just this weekend I went shopping with my sister and I didn’t feel… real. I felt like I was in a dream. That happens to me a lot. It started when I was about 8 or 9. I have cut myself, but whenever someone asks what it is I say that my dog stratched me or something. Last week I was in the car with my sister and we were driving home from school and I don’t even know what happened to me. I never felt that way before. It was just a sudden thought if suicide and it wasn’t going away. I’m not thinking about it right now but it was weird because nothing bad was happening then. It was just my sister and I in the car listening to the radio. Huh… I’m not sure if this is even depression but I think it might be. Could someone maybe reply to me and idk just say something. Because I’m feeling really alone these past few years and I can’t really talk to anyone about this.

    1. Hello, Emily. Thank you very much for sharing your story. I’m sorry to hear that things have not been easy for you from such a young age. A rose will grow with difficulty if her garden is smothered in stones. As for your thoughts of suicide, I would really recommend seeking out a school counselor or a social worker. These are serious depressive thoughts that are very harmful to your mind and your heart. When it comes to mental health, you need to remember that your feelings come first. You cannot heal until the problem is diagnosed. Whether you truly do have full-blown depression or not, I cannot say, but intrusive thoughts can be just as disturbing if the cause is not properly identified. It wasn’t incredibly long ago when I was your age. You can be depressed at 13, and you can be stressed at 13. Don’t let anyone dismiss your mental health because of your age, sweetie. I hope you all the best. Be healthy.

  198. I’m not sure when I got depression but I know it creeped up on me. just came out of no where. and my life from that point on was just a battle against myself everyday.I grew more addicted to drugs like weed, shrooms, coke, lsd, anything I could get my hands on, I’d do it to escape reality, my father didn’t help with depression either every day he gives me another reason to kill myself, at first I only seeked to impress him and feel accepted by him but everything I did he’d shoot down with his words and when I did something wrong, threats left and right. Every day I felt like I was chased up to the top of a building by something that’d cause axity or something but when we where finally at the top it was like the option of either jumping off that building or let that thing eat away at my mind.nothings been fun for as long as I remember, I can’t trust ppl (I’ve tried so hard but ended up being hurt…..more), Ive complete gaven up on everything and I’m still not out of depression yet

  199. If anyone’s reading this, I sometimes find it so hard to wake up in the morning knowing that some unbeatable doom approaches me. I can’t hold a conversation, and I’m “ok” with awkward silences without breaking the word of silence. I feel like I’m in a hole and I’m trying to get out but the the only way that makes sense is to go deeper because I’m already so deep I can’t climb anymore. This black hole engulfs me with torment of what mistakes I’ve made in the past, and I’m so skeptical of what people think of me I sometimes feel like I’m going mad. “What do they think I look like” I have these moments where I’m not in reality like I’m out of my body but my body just knows what to do. As if I was driving while high. I’m not suicidal, but I have this overbearing worry of failure. I know I will die soon, weather in a car accident or saving someone I love that doesn’t even know I exist. I can’t express myself to anyone I go to school with a mask. No one knows who I really am except my uncle. My dad thinks I’m fine “your fine, your just going through a change because ur becoming an adult. No one understands except for me. This blackness lurks within me. This madness that I need to harness. It just eats me alive everyday. It becomes harder and harder everyday to let the beast feed itself. One day I will break and I hope no one is around to see me break because I’m strong and I try to hold this fake image of myself so no one can know who I am. I have this such utter hate for my family. They se to be so annooying I find myself cursing them out under my breath when all they want to give me is love. No understands me. Noting I ever do will make a difference here. In this place. So what’s next. Heaven or hell. I think not. I think there will be just darkness that awaits me in after life. The darkness that lurks in my body the monster. Depression my enemy or my best friend?

    -to anyone who reads this

    1. I feel the exact same
      Way as you… I don’t even have the strength desire to talk.. When I do my words are sometimes scrambled. Such a slow
      Thinker. Never want to do anything!

  200. I guess it all started a couple years ago. My self-esteem sank away and I didn’t enjoy the things I used to. My social anxiety went from manageable to debilitating. I can’t even have fun with my ‘friends’ anymore, and I feel like I’m losing them. I’m all alone in this choking fog. When I wake up everyday, after a short amount of sleep, getting out of bed seems like an enormous pointless task. It just doesn’t feel like it’s worth it. Sure I do feel happy and smile from time to time, but it’s always accompanied by a feeling of a looming doom. Can’t focus on my study and my future seems dim. What’s the point of making money, if everything I can do with it doesn’t seem fun anymore. Whenever I leaned to suicide I thought about my family. My mother lost her first son to a miscarriage, she’s been on antidepressants ever since. I don’t think she could go on if she lost her second son. My father just lost everything he lived for in a lawsuit with my mom and told me that my sis and me are the only reason he hasn’t committed suicide yet. So if I would leave this world, I would practically take my entire family with me, that’s the only reason why I’m still here. But as I sink deeper into the eternal fog, I stop thinking about others at critical moments, all I can think of is a sense of redemption.

  201. I feel like screaming but no words come out. I cry constantly from feeling of emptiness and loneliness. I’m married but my feelings are everything is falling apart. My wife thinks my family does not like her my career was ended for medical reasons and my wife thinks that I think she is stupid. All Which are wrong no one cares about me and no one cares about me. I feel worthless and like I want to cry all the time. I’m tired of faking being well. I put on a smile and when I do it feels wrong. The whole world is negative no real point of being here sometimes. It’s bett wet I just keep everything bottled up who wants to hear my problems.

  202. My primary disease is ptsd, but I also have major recurrent medication-resistant depression. Some medications maintain their efficacy for longer periods than others, but they always peter out in the end. I feel like I’m observing the world in slow-motion most of the time. I remember all the emotional trauma that led me to where I am today on an almost daily basis and don’t know how to pull my head out of it. I cry regularly because of it. I do not trust others, and while I’m generally kind to others, am easily irritated by them. I hope one day there will be a medication that works for me on a permanent basis.

  203. seems like im a loser
    ive been dating for about 2 years
    she makes me feel not wanted
    i dont know what to do

    i have trust issues as well
    she talks about other guys and there were many guys in the past that tried to get her and some did, and i cant stop comparing myself to them and i feel like a piece of shit

    My friends say im a piece of shit jokingly, but i’ve done shit things to grab her attention which i feel like i never did except for then

    feeling like this destroyed my social life, i dont want to go hang out anymore and everything seems dull,

    Tried to pick up hobbies as they say on the internet and forget about it, but the fundamental problem in me always arises at some point of my life.

  204. Although I must say I am doing better now a year later, the peak of my depression is something I’ll never forget. Before becoming depressed I always thought people who were depressed were just ungrateful, but later found how wrong I was. When I was 20 I slowly became more and more depressed but didn’t recognize the problem until it reached its worst point.

    I would struggle to wake up and had zero motivation to take care of my responsibilities. My existence felt like a burden and it was a thought that never left my mind. I constantly would put my self down, convincing myself I was worthless. I thought if I took my own life that my parents would be better off. I felt like a failure, the mistakes of my past were always fresh on my conscious. One day I laid in my bed and cried for 30 min straight, I never cry.

    I went from being 210 pounds to 185 pounds in only a month, I would eat maybe one time a day. My energy was at an all time low, before I had been a gym addict but working out started feeling pointless. These feelings lead me to start smoking weed on a regular basis, I would do it all day just to distract myself from my intense depressing feelings. At first it helped, but then I realized when I would come down from the high I would feel even worse than before.

    I am better today than I was then, but the only thing that kept me going was learning that I was not the only human in the world who felt that way, but that many others fight the same battle.

  205. I feel heavy, like my arms and legs weigh tons. Getting up and going to do the simplest things seems to take so much energy. I get up go to school then come home and go to bed. My family irrates me to no end, especially my younger brother who loves me but is just so loud and with my reoccurring headaches I can’t handle him.

  206. I think I have always been a sad person. I am a very pessimistic person and nervous and this is why I’m not sure if what I feel is depression or just me being a sad person. It has all started back in high-school and people that know me(my parents and friends) always told me that when I’ll grow up it will be better and I’ll get stronger. Unfortunately it seems like it’s getting worse with time. Now I’m 32 years old, I’m married and going to have my first child, I have just gotten my PhD degree and I have a post-doc position in Harvard university and basically most of the things I wanted in life I was able to accomplish. My pregnancy is something I wanted for so long so why do I feel so miserable? I use to love working, and although I am a sad person I always had the motivation to work and study. But somehow I lost it. I can’t get my self out of bad in the morning, it takes me 45 min to drug myself out of bad and it has nothing to do with how many hours I slept. Then when I get to work I sit and basically do nothing for a very long time. If I won’t get out of it I might loose my job. I really don’t know what to do about it anymore!!!

  207. I get the same but it seems to be getting worse and i cry more when i am left along for hours than i used to.it also last longer for a couple of days been like it for nearly four years now since i was 15 never had counselling and only recently gone doctors starting counseling soon. And i had been living with my mum and younger sister and ex step-dad which have depression too. I have lost interest in many things i used to love doing. Ifind it hard to be able to let my new friends be as close to me as my old ones was. And arguement with my boyfriend make me get really depressed and alone like i have no one even though i do. It’s hard to see any posative in anything. It’s not great to live especial if your with someone it can be really hard for me and my partner to live with because it hurts him seeing the way i get. All he wants is for me to be happy but it’s so hard to deal with the past and everything.my family even know about what happened until last when i meet my boyfriend thats when everything came out. My grandma din’t know until this year two days before my 19th birthday. I had keep everything bottled up for years.

  208. I can’t cry anymore.i don’t think a person can cry without feeling something. No love, no hate, just nothing. Like a blank canvas never meant to hold a pretty picture. Only others who have depression know how we suffer, how we fade slowly away as the days go by. Healthy people live everyday with fullness, but we, we merely survive from day to day. To say depression is the common cold of mental illness some how seems an understatement, for me it’s a cancer, a monster that eats away at our ability to live like human beings.

  209. I don’t remember when I started suffering from depression. Substance and alcohol abuse as a teenager and young adult certainly didn’t help matters and probably contributed to my condition. After an extended period of travel, which ended in the fall of 2000 my depression finally knocked me off my feet. I was 38 years old. Extreme unhappiness, feelings of worthlessness, and thoughts of suicide dominated my life. I saw a psychologist, verbalized my anxieties, fears, feelings, and that really helped. It took much of the power that those thoughts held over me, away. I was prescribed Prozac and took the medication for a few days before I decided through much research that it was not the path for me. I realized that I would have to live with this condition for the rest of my life and that there would be periods of highs and lows. I would just have to deal with it. For about 14 years, until I was 52, my life was pretty much a roller coaster, charging up and down through the seasons with the very low points coming in winter. Around my 52nd birthday I was feeling pretty bad. I was 10 – 12 kilos overweight (20 – 25 pounds), eating and drinking as I pleased, and really didn’t care if I lived another day. I told myself that suicide was the cowards way out, and that always managed to keep me from plotting my own demise. However, a nice accident, cancer, a good heart attack could work perfect. Those were my thoughts a little over a year ago. Then I stumbled upon a life reset book by Harley Pasternak called the “Body Reset Diet”. The key component of this book is walking at least 10,000 steps every day, and I have taken that part very seriously, typically walking at a cadence of 110 plus steps per minute. I walk a minimum of 90 minutes per day. The diet is simple and smart too. I lost 10 kilos in 4 months. I’ve read many times over the years that exercise helps battle depression, but walking every day has delivered much more. It has become meditation for me. I listen to good music on my iPhone and the time just melts away. I have been virtually depression free for over a year. I don’t remember the last time my life felt so good. I am positive and hopeful, and the daily challenges that use to weigh me down like an anchor don’t intimidate me any more. I want to live.

  210. That list is so accurate for me. I can literally relate to everything on that list. The only time I am ever content is when I am in bed. I only ever want to be on my own. I can’t concentrate. My memory is failing me. I am only 17, none of this should be happening to me, or anyone else for that matter. Nothing anyone can do will help me. I’m in my own bubble. I can’t be saved by someone else. I have to save myself, if I want to. Getting out of bed every morning is a chore to me. I cry over the simplest little things. I am making a video of what it is like to be clinically depressed, on a daily basis. It’s visuals can portray the despair and darkness I feel everyday.

  211. my parents dont really understand
    they just think im lazy and its my hormones
    but i was diagnosed with depression and anxiety when i was 7
    and again with major depression when i was 14
    they say im lazy but there are time where even moving is hard and speaking seems like the end of the world
    they think im just a sad teenager but when does teenage sad get t the point where im 17 and all i can think about is how better it would be if im dead and that im s fucking sad to the point where everyday life feels like watching paint dry and that everything is suffocating

    sure im happy sometimes and i smile and you think im cured and i was faking my depression but i can feel happiness and anger and fear just the same, but they are all plagued with a feeling of looming darkness
    when im happy i feel as though its just a joke and its going ti be ripped away from me
    im a broken kid
    i cant fix it as much as everyone wants me to be fixed i just cant
    im broken, un fixable and im just trying to stay alive
    some times its hard
    i just want people to know i am trying and i dont mean to be like this but i cant help it
    it sucks and i feel like im 60 years old and void of life rather than 17 and at the greatest years of my life
    im in so much pain and eveyoone expects so much out of me when i can only give so little
    im trying
    im trying so hard just to be okay
    not just for me but for everyone else

  212. I feel like I’m sinking constantly and when I concentrate on that feeling I can’t breathe. Everything feels like it’s moving around me and I’m not doing anything at all. Everything is so pressuring, there’s so much to do and when I feel too pressured to do everything at once I feel like screaming but I can’t because I’m too tired to even talk.

  213. depression is like drowning in pain, sdness, anger, anxiety, everything, its like drowning by urself and seeing everyone else up above the surface breathing and happy, its like not wanting to do anything, not wanting to exist, not wanting to go on with life, its like not wanting to exist, felling insignificant, very simpily, depression is one of the worst possible mental states that a person can be in.

    1. up to engineering my life is ok.. after the completion of that i am joined in bank coaching in visakhapatnam. i am in a hostel where people from different backgrounds(like they are studying the various courses ssc,intermediate,degree, bank coaching etc).. upto 10 days i went to the institute regularly.. and then onwards i feel hard to go ,i have so many friends who are taking the coaching in the same institute with me.. while i am enjoying the chitchat with the friends,in one corner i developed fear about the sections in the banking examination like current affairs,arithmatic and reasoning,english etc.. one day ,i felt irritation within myself for no reason.. from that day onwards i felt fear about all the works that can do in a day.. even i am felt that something bad will going going to happen like that … from that day onwards, i have developed tingling sensations,dizziness,and etc feelings in me.. after one year, i have taken the coaching in nandyal, and i got selected as a p.o.through baroda manipal school of banking recruitment..and know i am in the banglore for the 1 year pgdbf course ,which i have to pass to be promoted as a p.o in bank of baroda .. banglore weather is so cool so that i cant adjust to that weather …my head feels heavy all the time.. i am not able to hear the lessons which have been taught… plz any one can give a solution to this problem….?

  214. I feel so mad.Feels like I am drowning in a deep hole.I am unable to start a family with my husband.I lost my job. cannot get another job . I stopped studying . I am loosing patience and hope day by day. Astrologers say everything will fall in place but when God knows.Please help me. I want to have a grip on my life.

  215. I’m 19. Been depressed since 9th grade. I feel like everything that made up me is now gone. I’m always comparing my empty and pathetic self to the lively person I was, and it’s so painful. I feel like I’ve let myself down. I feel like the future holds nothing but failure, lethargy and loneliness. This year I worked at a Newsagency. Not such a demanding job by normal people’s standards, but even the simplest tasks drained my energy and I always came home too tired to study. I left the job. My mum keeps nagging me to work again. How do I tell her I just can’t work without sounding pathetic? She doesn’t believe in mental illnesses. Neither does my dad. I’m all alone in this. I can’t tell the only two friends I have. That will change the way they see me, for the worse. I just want to be dead. The only thing stopping me is my little brother. Wouldn’t want him to develop depression…

  216. I believe that I have depression and have a hard time dealing with it. Some people have suggested to me to go to the doctor and be prescribed an anti depressant, but I’ve heard that it doesn’t actually help but make things worse. I just wanted to know if anyone thought that it helped them?

  217. Since my childhood, I’ve been facing so much problems with myself. First of all, I’m a transgender.
    my mom always forced me to play with girls just because she wanted me to be her cute daughter but inside, i was a guy.
    girls think I’m abnormal so I always stay away from them; also that made me a cold,not very social and stressful person. I don’t have wishes,I don’t have goals. Im 18 but I don’t know what i am living for. I want to smile and make people happy, I want to fail and stand up to work hard again for something which I would give up on my everything. I want to laugh and don’t want to be useless. I love to be happy but I don’t know how, my parents never thought me how… I can’t even make a simple decision myself, I don’t want to die by suicide… i want to live happy and feel some pain

  218. Right now my world is in despair

    The place I’m at I don’t want to be
    My life is full of misery
    I’m in a hole and can’t get out
    All I want to do is fucking shout
    With my life I’m so distressed
    It makes me feel intently obsessed

    Right now my world is in despair

    My thoughts are dark, my mind so weak
    The outlook of my life so bleak
    All I do is sit and dwell
    My life is just a living hell
    My mind is full of hopelessness
    This sorrow fills me with loneliness

    Right now my world is in despair

    Alan is my shining star
    Without him I don’t go far
    He does the things I used to do
    And tries to encourage me not to be blue
    The intimacy has all but gone
    My marriage is over if I carry on

    Right now my world is in despair

    I have to do things under duress
    My house is in an awful mess
    The laundry basket is overflowing
    my bed unmade the grime is showing
    The flagstone floor is really grubby
    I now rely a lot on hubby

    Right now my world is in despair

    The anguish I feel is so traumatic
    My life at this time is symptomatic
    I always feel so emotionless
    And full of self-loathsomeness
    My mind so dull I hurt, I hate
    I want my life back from this dreadful state.

    Right now my life is near its end!

  219. Well, for starters…I wish depression never existed. I feel like people who don’t understand depression completely and are judgemental about it are ignorant. It truly pains me to read all of these experiences because I didn’t realize so many people are going trough so much. I doubt anyone will read my experience but I just needed somewhere to vent. I think my depression started when I was in 9th. Maybe even before that but I am now 19 years old. I had always dreamed of going to college and being independent but over the years I developed depression. I kept it hidden for so long until I told my family when I was a junior in high school. It was painful to see their reactions because they had an idea but they didn’t realize how bad I had it. I’ve lied a lot to my loved ones about school and me personally and about my depression. I feel so guilty because even now they don’t know the truth. I just feel so alone even though I know I have people who care and love me. I don’t feel like I have friends maybe just one true friend. I am scared for my own life and I feel like being this way for the past 4/5 years has really drained all of my energy and I feel like this is the end of my life. I feel like I won’t make it anywhere even though I’m still young. I didn’t do well in high school and my act score sucked. I remember being a good student in elementary and middle but after that it all came downhill. I have regrets. I wish I was a better older sibling and daughter. Sometimes I imagine about being someone better or being the new improved me. I limit myself and I always tell myself to accept myself for who I am. I am not blaming anyone for my faults, just me. I wish just one person would just understand me completely. I’ve become anti social and I’m scared I’ll never get a boyfriend or get married and die alone. I love my parents and siblings and everyone around me and i just feel so bad. I feel like I’m not liked and I feel like it begins with myself. I cry myself to sleep sometimes. I know I need to help myself but I can’t even do that. I’ve been talking to a guy who I have developed feelings for and I’ve lied to him about my true self. I’m scared i might lose him. I don’t like attending family gatherings. I love my extended family but I don’t feel apart of it. I feel like I was born without a path. I don’t feel intelligent. I don’t like my personality. I look young for my age which I’m not so positive about sometimes. I have gained weight. I can keep to myself and appear secretive. I don’t express myself enough. I know people are going through worse and I just feel so bad because I know I shouldn’t be this way. Life is precious yet I would rather not be living. I didn’t have the best high school experience. I know I’m weak minded. I’m tearing up while typing this. People probably think I’m crazy and mentally challenged. I can have anger issues. I feel worthless and small. I feel I am not an attractive enough girl at times. I hope God can forgive me. I just want to be happy and accept myself. I’m so sorry to those who are going through worse or the same thing. I wish you the best in life. I truly do.

    1. Hi there, i just wanted you to know i did read your experience and i do care, even though i do not know you. I feel horrible for you and wish i could take your pain away and everyone else who has depression. I really think you need help and need to talk to someone. You are young and have your whole life ahead of you. Many people do get well, and so can you! Please do not feel like nobody cares etc., if they do not know how much you are suffering then how can people care or help you?? I also, have depression so alot of what you say i understand. If you need to vent or talk please tell your family. If you want to reply to me let me know and i will give you my email.

    2. I read it ✋ and there’s people that understands. I honestly have felt most of what you’ve said and much more. it all just feels hopeless I don’t want to be in this abyss I’m in but I just don’t see any way to get myself out. Depression is a terrible thing. If you need someone to talk and have a kik mines _mekel_ i’ll pray for you

  220. im 20 and ive been suffering from depression for 3 years. Latley it has gotten so much worse I feel like im loosing my mind. i have honestly never felt this alone, this isolated ever. Everymorning i just want to go back to sleep and never wake back up im always tired, i dont doing anything anymore most days i just watch tv even when its sunny outside i just stay inside and avoid everyone and everything. I feel so hopeless and useless i dont know why this is happening i used to be this confident energetic bubbly happy joyful amazing nice kind person that everyone wanted to be around and now im just this grumpy sad lonley and pathetic person. I have no friends anymore i pushed them all away i never talk to my family anymore i cry all the time sometimes i dont even know why. I am so selfish for being like this. Please pray for me.

  221. I’m constantly mad and I don’t know how to enjoy things anymore. I feel like I’m drifting in a sea of dark feelings all alone. I’m afraid i’m going to live like this for the rest of my life. If so, I don’t want to be alive.

  222. I have to felt depressed recently. I’m in college and I figure it was stress getting to me but I cry all the time and there’s no specific reason for it. I’ve gotten so upset that I’ve harmed myself. I feel so alone and unhappy. I feel like I’m just here, walking around in a daze half the time. I enjoy being around people because my mind isn’t thinking about depressing things. I just want to be like my old self again. I want to be content and happy.

  223. I feel as if I am worth nothing. I constantly feel as if I want to die. It just happens even when I’m not crying or in any problematic issue. It’s frustrating being this way because it affects my loved ones. I just don’t know how to control it. I also suffer through anxiety and low self-esteem. I have the sweetest most caring and dedicated boyfriend, and it is heartbreaking knowing that my issues affect his happiness. Every time we go out to public events I can’t help but feel like he is checking out other women. I feel as if other people are better than me and that I am nothing compared to them. I know he doesn’t I believe him by the way he is in general, but it’s so hard. It is because of me I feel less than others. I feel as if I am not good enough. I have these meltdowns constantly and I’m sure he has an idea of why but I have not told him what the main problem is. I hate everything about myself because I am the reason why I am so unhappy. The way I think is my main problem. I would rather be stabbed continuously and be fine in the end than to have this problem. There is no one else but him that I can talk to about this, I feel isolated hopeless worthless. I’m no good for nothing even though people tell me otherwise. When I don’t feel this way, it feels as if I have so much to look or war to in life. I am happy energetic loving and social. I love those days. But right when I feel like I might not go back to this feeling, it comes back. I feel as if I have plummeted down into a dark hole. I feel ugly. I feel stupid useless and worth nothing. I have tried committing suicide a couple years ago but it did not work out because of certain fears. I used to take around 8 aspirins every day and sometimes it went up to 14. I read that one can die from taking 12 or more and I tried but it didn’t work. I have physically harmed myself twice but i would’ve done it a lot more if I wasn’t afraid of what people might think of me. I am not religious and never have been. I don’t depend on anyone but myself. It’s so depressing.

  224. I’m 20 years old and have never really suffered from depression before now. I am always tired, I always have a headache, I want to sleep all the time, I cry over the smallest things, I can’t be around large amounts of people, I can’t do homework, I love my boyfriend but I don’t want to be with him, I love my family and friends but don’t want to be with them. I can’t seem to find happiness in anything I do anymore. I don’t want to kill myself but wish something else would.

  225. I know that depression runs in my family and that I was prone to it, however, it wasn’t until a severe breakup did it show itself to me. It’s an ugly thing, man. I cry at everything, and I mean everything. It physically hurts if I don’t release tears, almost like a panic attack. I get agitated with friends and family. Just by their presence. They don’t even need to speak. I sometimes feel like I’m in a dream. Things slow down and aren’t real. I isedto wish to get sick or injured so people would feel bad for me and want to take are or me, instead of me always taking care of other people. I was on Pristiq and now lexapro. I sympathize with everyone on here.

  226. I don’t know if I actually have or suffer from depression but alot of this makes sense if that makes sense but i find myself dull even my appearance has even gotten dull I get short with the people that I care about even my dog that’s not like me I feel off most days I have very few good days anymore I don’t even have fun with friend s anymore just feel lost

  227. I am an optimistic and extrovert and I have also suffered from depression. After both my children were born, I experienced post-partum depression but because I normally have a social, upbeat personality it was hard to get people to understand the depression was real (not just the blues).
    I remember my moment of clarity was slipping on the stairs and thinking that it would’ve been great if my leg had broken because then someone else would have to come help me and I wouldn’t feel so helpless/hopeless.
    Depression can happen to anyone. It’s important to remember that it is a chemical flaw NOT a character flaw.

  228. I am 22 yr old. Lost my father 3 yrs back. My family members are all Selfish busy with their life’s. My mother is either sad or angry, have never cared yo give moral support.in short life at homeis very gloomy and nobody cares. My college life is very stressful. Coming to my sympyoms At first I couldn’t stop thinking. Deep down I always wished for a someone who cared for me. Its so difficult to shut my mind. Every bad memory and thinking about future haunted me. Talking to people at first resolved but later on I felt more sad while discussing. Evry single person started getting on my nerves. I started arguing with my seniors/ lecturers on small petty things.I have seen a psychiatrist,diagnosed with mild depressive disorder on meds now currently.
    Now I feel numb, not wanting to leave the house, I don’t find interest in anything at all. I can neither strike a conversation nor listen to anyone with interst.I feel like my cheeks are paining. I don’t know how I am suppose to tell this to the doctor. First visit I was crying, second visit I said I am fine and she told me to continue the meds. I just dunno what to do.

    1. I’ve noticed that I have many of the feelings that you described. Getting irritated, wondering if things are really worth going through, etc.
      I’ve noticed the following with me:
      -A feeling of numbness
      -easily irritated with family/friends but I can’t explain why
      -void of emotions
      -the want to talk about it, but can’t really explain it because I can’t even explain it.
      ….
      I just feel different compared to the person I was a few years ago. I feel like I need to do things, but I can’t find the motivation or reason to do those things. In example, going to school; just because I found the strength to go to school that doesn’t mean that I actually feel I am in school. I often find myself physically in school/home but mentally, I am somewhere I haven’t been before and I don’t know how to get out. It irritates me so much.
      I don’t always feel this way, in fact I do have good days, great even. But the balance between not knowing what the heck is going on in my head and having to managed to have a good day outweigh by a huge margin.
      I saw similarities with your post, so I felt as though I should post my thoughts as well.
      Hope all is well on your end, sir/miss(?).

  229. i feel like a dark cloud is over me everything thing i do i wrong i feel like i am going down and failing life feel like i am falling down

  230. well i’ve been going through depression for a few years now.Its like i m scared of everything my biggest fear is dying.I have been on medication but it seems to work well only for a while.Sometimes i feel so lost and Wonder why me i cry for no reason but its like i m hurting so much that my tears flow.i have lost interest in alot of things i used to love to do ;i get anrgry so easily and smash things ;i can t say i have friends people just call me always when they what me to do something for them.I oversleep alot thinking when i Wake up it will all be gone but no ;i m trying so hard to get rid of this but it’s like attached and don t want to let go.i actually feel lonely when there are people around me i know that love me.I Watch alot of horror movies its strange it comforts me ;i just need someone to talk to

  231. I’m 12 and I’ve always hated myself. I cry a lot and I also do cut. I’m not sure if I have depression (I’m pretty sure I do) but, I am currently planning my suicide. I know that’s not good, but I literally can’t imagine a future. I have no one and I don’t know what to do. All of these symptoms I have and I would never tell my parents of brother or sister. However, my friend knows. We both agreed that I wouldn’t cut until Monday when the weekend was over and he could talk to me, but that didn’t last a day. I feel like such a failure right now. I just wanna die.

    1. Rachel, I HOPE you read this and know you are not alone. Please talk to your family or someone who can help you.I just realized I’ve been depressed on and off for 30 years. I would keep things in and realize when I finally started talking it helps tremendously. You and I came into this world loved and we need to know we are loved and worthy! Take one day at a time and be kind to yourself.

    2. I’m praying for you, Rachel, and all of you who have posted on this page. I’m lifting you up to the Lord Jesus Christ, asking Him to heal you and give you peace.

    3. Hi, I’m Paige, I’m 13 and I honestly think that you should stop cutting. Obviously it isn’t as easy as that, but please try your hardest. I suppose me saying that wouldn’t matter though. 4 months and 27 days ago I was in your shoes and even if I have the urge to do it again, I don’t. I actually have these markers that I find really hard to wash off and I draw all over my arms so the anxiety of having to wash it off before my mom calls me down for anything is enough for me to forget about wanting to do it. Have a good day, Rachel.

    4. Hey … I know how it feels to be sad and hopeless, to feel like nothing matters, but life feels like that sometimes. It doesn’t mean anything is wrong with you. Your spirit is just seeking expression and love. Love you can find within and from God, expression you can find from art, or music, poetry or a sport. You are too young to give up dear. My best friend killed herself at 14 and I know she regrets it because she has visited me in my dreams. Death won’t solve anything – your spirit just needs to find a truth to hold onto and believe in. I am a grown woman now with kids of my own – close to your age 🙂 life is full of ups and downs – find what works for you that brings you any positive feelings! Life can be so beautiful and fulfilling too, give it time.

  232. I am 16 years old and I feel like I’m losing myself to depression. Everything feels suffocating, I’ve gained a lot of weight although my diet has been the same. I don’t know what I’m doing with my future. Everyone around me tends to have an aim or a goal however, I don’t have anything like that. I feel so useless and my grades haven’t been as good as they used to be and I feel like I’m letting down everyone. I don’t know what to do.

  233. I searched a lot about why I feel like crying and why I feel alone even when I am surrounded by people

    I also feel like I need a psychiatrist and m Mentally disturbed….

    Please Help
    I am not able to figure it out either I m going MAD or I will kill myself in near future

  234. hi I’m 40 years and have suffered from depression most of my life. I have never taken any treatment for it but I feel as I grow older it gets worse. I’ve haboured thoughts of suicide for over half of my life and I’m scared on these days I will do something bad to myself or my partner.Please help.

  235. I am constantly in and out of depression, once in a while when something good happens I will start to be happy again. After being depressed for a long time you start to feel numb in your emotions, (atleast for me) I constantly feel the need to cry but no tears will come out, and if another bad thing happens it just feels like the same pattern and hurts a little less and less each day, but at night is when the numbness hurts. You know the feeling when say you were sleeping the wrong way and your leg circulation got cut off, and yes it is numb to the touch but on the inside the pain is excruciating? That’s how I feel with my emotions, when I am around friends I am numb but when I am alone I feel the excruciating pain of everything that happened. I can retell almost everything that anyone said, how they looked at me and the tone of voice they used I hate that I remember these things because I can call a person out on their lies if I know them well enough. It is horrible to do that because you slowly figure out what really went on and you over think everything which I personally think is the most stressful part of it. I don’t have a hard time communicating with people, and I do have lots of friends and family who care but they think I talk way to much and sort of shut me out, that dissapoints me and I just hide from them and then they get mad. I also have become really good at acting how I feel that I need to so that people won’t worry especially teachers and my parents, I have moments when I zone out and Prolly look sad of course because I am. They ask me If I am OK and I smile and say yes I was just zoning out because I’m tired. Alot of people around me don’t understand me yet I am very good at explaining my self through writing (especially texting) but it will end up this long and they suddenly lose interest and still question me. I recently met a boy who made me feel again I could really and truly laugh and smile but then… He cheated on me with my best friend, she claims she was intoxicated but I can tell every single time she lies. I will ask her a question and she will lie, so I say you are using your lying voice. She will finally say OK here’s what really happened… And again uses her lying voice and I call her out on it again and she will this time argue trying to tell me the supposed truth but it’s not true once again I call her out on it (I kid you not this repeats about 20 times) and she finally says I can’t bring myself to say it I am just like my dad. I lie just like my dad and he hurts me so bad when he lies I can’t imagine how you feel. She tells me to go on her facebook and read the messages so I do, and it’s exactly what I had presumed. She claims she is also depressed because she is so guilty which is true all because of me. If I just would have forgave her she wouldn’t cut and contemplate suicide. But he made me feel again (btw this is the third time she’s done something to the effect of this) and now that I could feel again when this happened It hurt worse than any pain I had ever felt. And now I once again cannot feel, cannot cry, and do not express my true emotions around the people who I love but annoy me To the breaking point. I hate drowning in my own thoughts it is so unpleasant and especially in comparison to being happy a week ago…

  236. Hi I’m ten. I’ve had depression for 2 years. My mom and dad left us,my identical twin sister lives far away,and I am bullied to the point were I cry daily. Often I experience all of these symptoms at once. At one point I slept for 17 hours. I have anger issues and a hard past. My grandmother is my best friend. I love her so much. I hate my school. I skipped 3 grades. I’m in seventh grade. It makes me fell bad that I skipped over my friends.

  237. I was in the 3rd grade the first time I had a serious thought about suicide, and it was the result of the ADHD medicine. When I started 6th grade I knew something was wrong with me, but my therapist never noticed and I never spoke a word about it, so I put it off on the fact that the bullying was getting worse. I was in 9th grade when I noticed the pattern that I only felt this way in winter, and the fact I had grown to fear the season. In 12th grade I picked the college I wanted to go to only beacuse is had a nice big bridge and it was away from my friends and family so come winter I wouldnt have to worry about the guilt when it came to do what I was planning to do. Right after graduation I was sent for a mental screening because my doctored believed I was depressed, and during the screening I lied about every question because I was too ashamed of my mother knowing she had another broken child. With the help of my best friend I changed schools last second because I realized he gave me the hope to go through another winter. That was two years ago some days are still hard, and I’m still too ashamed to seek help, so I live day by day still dreading winter, just trying to create a future that will make winter worth living through. I have felt this way for 9 years, and I was alone for all of them except for 2 years. I have learned to be positive person, because no one was going to be that for me. Some days are harder then others, but I just remember to take it one day at a time, and to dream of a brighter future.

    1. I Am 16 . A couple months ago I dealt with losing my cousin and dealing with other issues that teenagers deal with such ass losing my Virginty, losing friends etc. i would wake up every morning not wanting to get out of bed . Now I just cry all the time for no reason , I’m always feeling down & feel like I’m the only person I have I cant talk to my parents they would never understand I’m stuck tryna figure out why do I have suicidle thoughts and why am I never happy and I never really have a appetite . Can anyone give me advise on what i should do I’m only a 16 year old girl trying to get help!

  238. im currently 17 years old and my depression has been going on for exactly a year now.. I started cutting which I’ve never done but it feels right.. watching my brother kill himself/ die really makes you see how sick the world is. my parents say I do all of this for attention, but why would I suffer for attention? I lost all communication with my friends I am always in my room, and I cant even listen to music anymore without it upsetting me. its only been a year and I’ve lost more then I could image. remembering what life for me used to be to what it is now sucks, cakes on to my depression and makes life a living hell.

  239. I have tis since as long as I can remember it would always come and go.Took pills when was in college wanting to commit suicide,feel like doing it again…I feel down all the time,crying when no one around.A string of things has triggered tis again,a sense of not belonging anywhere.everybody around me has their own lives where do I fit in nowhere…nobody to talk to or that truelly understands me I wonder many of times wht the reason I was brought into this world…since ive been born a lot of bad things has been happening to me…..I just wish to die for real..i wont be missed since nobody notices me anyways…im vewi damaged person that nobody can fix……….

  240. I feel so tired all the time, I can’t get out of bed in the morning, it takes forever. I constantly have headaches, and just don’t wanna do anything. I feel useless, like I’m a waste of space. I feel fat, but I don’t have the strength to work out anymore. I feel trapped in my own mind, like I have so many thoughts but I don’t know how to say them out loud, or even write them down properly. I feel like I just want to die, to get out of this place, I don’t want to exist anymore. I want someone to help, but I don’t know how to ask for it, I’m afraid.

  241. Depression is: having no motivation, not wanting to wake up, smiling is an un-natural facial expression, carrying on a conversation is extremely hard, wanting to die (not kill myself), just want to go away and not be here anymore, feeling worthless, no talent, no desire. Drugs only work for a short period of time b4 becoming another problem. Cannabis helps, but without money or a source to get it, then what does it matter? Micro-Dosing with LSD looks like a promising solution, but again, no $ no source, NO DEAL. Life is uninteresting and a struggle everyday to drag myself to the next challenge (which I’ll probably screw up anyway). I don’t F’ing care really. After 51 yrs of this S**t I’m done. Nothing works. Forget the drugs the doctor will give you. They are worthless and expensive and create a dependence that is hell when you stop them. This is my life today

  242. All of your Non-Clinical symptoms hit the spot. (90%). I have been battling depression I believe my entire life. I have never wanted to converse with anyone. I don’t have any desire for a relationship of any kind with another human. When I try to be productive during the day time I get hot flashes and headaches until I STOP improving my life. Literally my body makes me sick when i try to improve my circumstances. You say everything will look “gray” even on a sunny day, I guess I don’t see it because it’s always been gray. Not literally gray but just depressin and energy-sapping. Sunlight? Get out of here. The only relief is my weed. But since the completely natural medication can put me in prison in Kansas because our fucking senators must feel just fine all day, in fact im sure they are just fine. Making laws for the rest of us that they dont have to follow. I don’t have access to my medication all the time. It’s also very costly. Leaving days like today when I feel like removing my brain stem with some buckshot

  243. I really could not tell if i’m depressed everything i do seems to be wrong my responses my non responses my kindness my anger apparently i’m like this big black hole to my surroundings i just drain it because i’m nauseating to a fault just naturally my mother told me i suck the happiness out of her life when it was just her and my bother everything was perfect i lost my place and crashed my car which was my fault and had to move back into her house i try not to do or say anything but tread lightly so i can get myself together again and move back out i want to go back to school and finish it and leave my entire family behind because i’m realizing they don’t need me and i don’t need them i have no friends which i would love to have but i realize i probably never have any because its just something about me that just keeps me from having them i’m lucky i even have a girl friend who has been with me for so long but i feel that is about over too she is the only girlfriend i have ever had my first everything but love and again its all my fault apparently i’m just a failure at life i don’t know why i’m only 21 but i feel like the entire world is against me and all i want is to help make it better hopefully i can do that one day because i know just like i came into this world im going to live my life alone just like im going to leave it i know that because no one has ever been with me at least 51% my mom let me come back because she doesn’t want to look like one of those mothers who abandons her son to her family but i know im the black sheep i have always been i feel like i stuck but ill keep trying to move i dont give up on myself so i do not want kill myself or anyone else i just want to know why im the butt of the joke and why i dont matter to anyone

    1. U r only 21 years old u have a lot of potential in you’re life you’re mother she cannot make a life for u she raised u the best she can so its up to u now to make a life for yourself set a goal n challenge yourself that u can do it no matter what it is u wanna do like go to school don’t do it to anybody do it for u gonna need it someday is not getting easier is getting harder everyday otherwise u be working in the factory for the rest of you’re life n try to support you’re family in the same time THINK ABOUIT!!!!!

  244. It feels like a physical being is on my back, choking me and not letting me speak. I alienated myself from my friends and family. I don’t talk to either. I make promises to be somewhere that I KNOW I’m not going to keep. I want to tell them that I physically get out of bed but who wants to hear somebody else’s problems? It’s easier for them to think I’m an a*shole. That way they’ll just leave me alone…it’s better for them, that way. Someone else on here really nailed it
    ..it’s likea being in a dark hole that I can’t get out of. I sometimes get a picture of myself standing outside of a house; it’s windy and cold. There are ppl in the house partying and have a good time. I can’t talk and ppl walk passed me to get to the house, like I’m not even there. What is it they get that I dont? Why is it they don’t have this weight choking them? How did they figure out “happy?” This thing is relentless, it won’t stop pushing me down further and further. I feel like if I do end it, nobody would care bc nobody talks to me anymore anyway, so it’s like I’m already gone. My father told me before I was born that my mother waited to the last minute, then decided to keep me. God, I wish she chose door #2.

  245. Life is really hard, since childhood but I always tried to smile. Now that I am an adult, I realirize that my life is hopeless. I feel like life hates me and death want to take me. So many hardships, everyday problems. Many times I wanted to die, but my family would feel sad… I try to live with hope, but sometimes it is hard to keep hope. I am lost in myself. I am weak and it hurt. Sometimes I hate myself deeply cuz I feel that I am just trash.
    I wish i could live life fully, not live life just to live.
    I want to keep hope and have chance to be part of this world.
    For now i can’t, so i don’t know what to do.
    I am really afraid

    1. Feel very much like you Ea. I have been through so much i my life,physical and emotional abuse by 3 people, sexually abused by my psychologist. I am in disability, feel like a failure. Everything I do is so hard, showeringm brushing my teeth even changing the tv channel. Almost drank antifeeeze last Saterday but Thanksgiving my birthday a lot of family birthdays. I can’ do that to my family. I have tried everything drugs etc.

  246. I had gradually weaned myself off Paxil and now my being is becoming more coherent with my surroundings. I feel as if I was in a mental coma being on from Zoloft to Paxil. Now I sense that when I touch or view a person or object it feels real. A new journey has begun and I don’t know where she is taking me. Once when I tried to wean from Paxil, I just wasn’t ready. I constantly check myself now and believe me; I feel awkward at times but I feel as if I’m being led slowly into a new part of my life.

  247. i don’t relate to the points above apart from feeling like “Incessantly and uncontrollably into your mind comes the memory of every failure, every bad or uncomfortable experience, interview or date, like a torrent of negativity”.that point made sense to me but in a different way sometimes i just feel a stabbing pain coming from my heart and i feel like crying and screaming and punching but i can’t find the source of it the more i dig for it the more the feeling grows and i just want to go back to feeling happy

  248. I sometimes feel like this all the time i am really sad and i dont like to d=show my feelings and i am very i guess you can say i dint know what to do and my dad and i hate listing to happy music and for some resing i just feel alone alot and thats how i feel

  249. I’m 18 years old and a lot of people on my moms side of the family suffer from depression. Hell a few of them died in the nut house because of bipolar disorder or something. I feel like life is like a dark storm cloud is just taken over me and I’m stuck in bad thoughts. I feel so bad and depressed about things sometimes my insides hurt. I’m in college but it’s almost like I can do absolutely nothing I can’t complete the smallest task like homework or pay attention, everything just seems impossible. I can’t face the future I just can’t, I’m suppose to be starting off my life right now and I’m just going down hill. I just got fired from my job and my family doesn’t have a lot of money and I have a very critical father who stays on me about everything but he just really needs to leave me alone because he doesn’t know how I’m feeling. It’s horrible, the two things I love the most in the world is bass fishing and college football but it hurts to think about those things anymore. The only time I’ve been happy in the last two years of my life since I quit playing football was I dated a girl for about a year. And would sound pathetic if yall knew who I was or atleast what everybody expects me to be, but I really truly loved her. And she absolutely doesn’t care about me at all anymore, doesn’t even want to be my friend. I would jump infront of a train for her and she doesn’t give a shit about me. And I have a lot of friends and everyone knows who I am and everybody I know or get close to loves me. I am truly blessed to have such great friends but I still can’t make myself happy. I have no feelings for anybody anymore. I went to jail for a weekend recently because I didn’t pay a ticket and it was horrible. That was about 6 months ago but now I feel like I’m mentally back there. They is just nothing good goin on in my head right now. I can’t ever sleep, I’m gaining weight. I really just need some help but nobody in close to would ever know how I feel. I can’t face the future I am absolutely terrified

    1. I can relate to what you have said, I have been suffering through this for over 5 years. The only time I know I have been happy throughout that time is when I began to date my boyfriend. I am still with him and he knows what I am going through. He is very caring and understanding and I honestly think I would be nothing If I didn’t have him. What I haven’t verbally told him is that I have low self-esteem as well. I’m sure he has an idea that I do but I just feel embarrassed if I tell him and he would think I’m crazy. I feel as if I’m not good enough in everything and my looks. I am always paranoid because I feel like he will find someone else who he is attracted to and leave me or harm me emotionally. I know he wouldn’t but I can’t help thinking it. I can’t enjoy any public time with him because I am always thinking and looking for “attractive” girls just to see if he’s looking at them. I hate it so much. I always feel as if I will eventually lose him because of that and I hate myself for being that way. But I can’t help it I just can’t. I am so sorry your relationship didn’t last. I’m proud that you could’ve still gone on, because I know if that happened to me my life would be over. Stay strong I know it’s not as easy as it sounds but I do hope you stay strong. Right now, I am as weak as a wrinkled leaf.

    2. I know how you’re feeling at the moment. I feel the same way too, I’m 18 and I’m absolutely terrified about my future. This year was my first year in Uni and I did pretty shit in year 12 I wanted to go to medical school which is like nearly impossible the level of competitiveness is up there. I have up on my dreams COZ I was so distracted and too sad to even do my HW. Now that I’m at uni, I had a chance to transfer but I didn’t take it. Sometimes, most of the time I keep thinking I don’t even know what I want to do…this is my most scariest thought. I don’t want to end up like some people I know who have been in uni for 10 years or keep starting and then dropping out again. I’m scared I’ll never make up my mind, when my senses are working I know exactly what I want to do I want to go to medical school, graduate and start working in a hospital. I love helping others it’s the only 1 thing that makes me happy. I’m really blessed to have such a great family and best friends but sometimes I find myself ignoring them, when I’m by myself I dwell on how lonely I am, but when I’m surrounded by people I just don’t want to be there or wish they could leave me by myself. I’m so indecisive. I don’t know what’s wrong with me. I piss myself off. I have an exam in 2 days and I’m too scared to study for it…I have this irrational fear like I don’t know why. Reading your comment the part where you wrote I’m suppose to be starting my life. Thanks for reminding me. Sometimes I feel like it’s the end of my life. This is the start of our life!!! Just hang in there! Just start hanging out with your friends and if she really doesn’t care about you like you said, there is someone waiting out there that’s just for you and she’ll love you through all your weaknesses and make you strong. Hopefully you’ll meet her soon just stay positive and keep searching COZ that’s the only thing you can do. We’re only 18! God knows how many people we’re going to meet until we find the “right one” but when we do s/he will be absolutely worth the wait. 🙂

  250. I feel angry with myself and others. I don’t smile anymore,I sleep all day. I have no desire to go out and do anything. What makes this worse is that my kids never go outside and do anything. I have tried taking them out but my anger and frustration ruins their fun. Thats always on my mind and I feel terrible for it but still become angered towards them. That is why I lay in bed all day because I don’t want to bring everyone down with me. They will be happier without me because I’m just causing them sadness. I used to be a good mom, I don’t know what happened. When I’m at work I think about them and how sad they must be feeling to have a mother so horrible. I’m keeping myself away from everything because I only cause harm and sadness. I’m so mad at myself. When I think about everything busy at work its like a wave that washes over me. I tune everything out and hope it goes away quickly. It usually doesn’t it sticks around for a while. I don’t talk to anyone at work, everyone there is mean or rude. That doesn’t help any. I don’t know how to stop myself from becoming so frustrated with my kids. I never felt this way berfore. I try but if I get in that moos I can’t get out of it. So I distance myself.

  251. Depression is so bad all I want to do is sleep stay in bed away from people, I have no energy, motivation to do anything I feel as um so empty inside and I’m n a shell and can’t get out.

  252. It’s like I feel really sad for nothing sometimes
    Other people have their lives too but why am I feeling so depressed over something like this

  253. That’s who I was supposed to be. But somewhere along my still short life I some how messed up and became the opposite. I don’t know what to do anymore. I’m 12.
    I thought about killing myself many times a long time ago but now the thoughts came back.
    I tried to fix everything that was off but then my mom just gets in the way.
    I know she just wanted to help me but she has no idea of what’s going on.
    I just can’t bring myself to tell her.
    I made up my mind multiple times but then I called out to my mom I didn’t know what to say.
    I felt like I’m going to cry all day all the time. I do feel happiness but it’s just for a second and even that happiness makes me sad.
    I immigrated to Canada 2 years ago. It definitely did change who I am. Pros and Cons.
    Well I just need to know what to do.
    In the bottom of my heart I should be strong minded and I’m still partly am, not completely depressed.
    But when I think about all the paths that I could take, I see hope but I don’t feel it.
    I kind of don’t want to be an ordinary person but my mom is keeping me from doing what I want.
    I know she’s just helping me to “stay alive”
    and get in to an university and all she does is for my good but well it’s…
    ugh I don’t know what to say anymore

  254. I know these feelings to well.I question everything even though its obviously irrational and stupid.I hate my family.Because as soon as they found out about my mental illness they jumped on it like a freaking vulcher to a dead animal.They would criticize me and play the guilt trip game.And now its like “are you ok” all the freaking time.I know they don’t give a shit they are just bloody nosey.Because they gossip and tell everyone to treat me differently because I have mental health issues. I hate how I feel if im lucky to actually feel anything at all I know my partner loves me but how the hell do you let someone know that you want them around but you also want them to go. How do you find yourself when your constantly harassed by reliving terrible thoughts day after day. Positive thinking just doesn’t cut it.It isn’t a cure all but talk to your gp what works for one person may not work for another.Dont listen to the black or white ignorance of others depression is real.I found medication really helps and if you can feel those thoughts coming on.It is not selfish to leave the situation go to a quiet room lie down put on some music and try to think of a happy place.I sometimes take a walk and think of what I can see,smell or hear.But sometimes you just gotta feel what is going on.Its ok to be sad,angry,happy.If you feel that you have been unfairly treated DO NOT!! let people try to convince you that its because your mentally unstable.RESPECT!!! for surviviours of depression and people that are struggling.I feel your pain and I get it.

  255. I don’t know if I have depression or not. i can relate to 20 out of the 23 of these, though, and that makes me feel like i DO have depression. It really started after my boyfriend of 3 1/2 years broke up with me, but i feel like that’s not a good enough reason. I feel like if i tell anyone they’ll tell me to get over it because i don’t need him, or that they’re sorry. and i’d feel embarrassed for feeling so down for so long about a breakup. But at this point, its more than just the break up because everything just makes me sad and nervous and i cry all the time. i’m so anxious about everything, i don’t want to talk in front of people, and i get shaky after everything i do. i can’t focus on anything especially schoolwork and church and conversations. i’m tired and sluggish and i feel so slow. i never was a morning person, but getting up is even worse. and any kind of movement brings my heart rate up. i walk up four steps and my heart is practically pounding. and i get headaches and back pain more than i ever have before. i don’t want to go anywhere. i want to hang out with my friends but i also want to go home and sleep and stay away from people because i don’t want to let a tear slip out while someone’s watching. I just feel so empty and hollow. like i’m not really here, i’m just a mess of thoughts trapped in a shell. i feel like i can’t tell anyone.

  256. I don’t know why I’m writing this.. I’m not someone who writes anything public. I’m an atheist. I don’t believe in fairytales. I lost someone. He was a beatiful soul. He was the most important person in my life. The hardest thing to accept is that I’ll never see him again. I’m not at my best. I haven’t felt anything in awhile and I’m only still here for one reason. my family, my parents and my brother to be exact. We’re not close. I don’t let them get close. I’ve hurt them enough throughout my life. I’ve let myself feel closer to death than I’ve ever let myself feel close to anyone. For as long as I can remember, I’ve always thought life wasn’t for everyone.. and it never has been for me. I didnt have the best upbringing.. we’re all flawed right? But when I was a kid I used to ask “God” that if he was real, he would take my life and spare my family if he needed to take anyone. As i got older I realized how selfish that was. I’d rather take the pain i’m in myself than be the one who causes it to anyone. I can’t lie to myself, I can’t pretend that I wouldn’t hurt anyone if I killed myself. I don’t choose to live with the way I always feel.. but i know i can choose what I do with it

  257. Have been a victim of depression for over 2 yrs now. I am 22 yrs old and from a very young age I have been socially awkward .i hate myself,i hate my life. I just hate everything about me. I have moments when i am so excited about life and believe that I can do anything then I have the very sad depressive moments. I sleep a lot and its very difficult for me to get out of bed. I eat a lot of food bt I don’t gain weight at all. I don’t like social scenes. Sometimes I hate my family so much and I feel like they just don’t understand me. But then I know that they really love me and want the best for me. What is wrong with me?. I am confused most of the time and forget things easily. I am always anxious about the future and I have very low self esteem. I wish God would grant me my wish and kill me. I have an intense feeling that my life is meaningless. I really want someone to talk to. Help me please ,I desperately need help.

    1. I know exactly what you are going through. I’ve been really low the last year and a half, I’ve also felt honestly nothing for or from people for years before even though I try to show it to them just to hold on relationships but mostly in my head it’s an agenda without its fruits more like an illusion of filling something empty. I’m honestly believing that I might have Bipolar. The symptoms and signs you said are just like what I’m experiencing, I’m 22 this month. I know that there are probably many nights where you feel extremely alone with no one out of the huge handful of people that’s on your phone that are willing to speak to you when you are in a really dark shade with nothing to light it when you know that you might do something really terrible to yourself that night or day. And even if there are people that are aware of how you feel, they’re either too scared or narcissistic not support you in a small way just to at least help you get by, at least by hearing what you have to say instead of them telling you the same broke record of advise like hospitalization, medication, therapists, ECTs, general terms to describe how you feel, people telling you why not do “bullshit” to feel better, and “you have such a decent life, why are you so depressing”. I really distrust people. I’m pretty sure I’m introvert (not entirely sure) but I try to be an extrovert like “normal minded” people in order to cope for a few moments until thoughts come racing telling you that “the people you know don’t really care, they just want to make sure that they feel good about saying it and so that they can use you, you are really nothing to them”, and this thought always keeps coming up even though I try to do normal things and try speaking normal to avoid sounding manic or depressive (but it really hurts to be an actor all the time). I have significant interests in life but they are absolutely no tokens that make me happy, and other things don’t remedy any better except doing the dangerous things that put you on the line between now and death that gives you two tangible contrasting views that make you smile sometimes.
      The best healthy things that I’m doing to cope now before possibly seeking help from a talk therapist (which i really need now) is:

      -daydreaming your ideas and making it uniquely practical or cool (it also helps you to tell people your ideas to see if they like it or don’t and see how you could make it better).

      -not looking people in the eye that you don’t have to talk to.

      -420 helps depending where I am on the poles.

      -snuggling up to really soft thick blankets (in the nude. I know its weird but more effective, i sincerely mean that).

      -cartoons like King of the Hill, Courage the Cowardly Dog, Spirited Away, Kikkis Deliver Service, My Neighbor Tortoro, Simpsons, Chowder, or Futurama (NOT Adventure Time or the newer stuff) can help on lonely feeling nights before bed to get a good night sleep to feel balanced the next day.

      -driving around new places during sunlight with music (I know in the state that you and I could be in music is shit pretty much, but there are songs that do get you and preach what you are going through that gives comfort, but it’s an effort to find. Try songs from 30 Seconds to Mars, Distillers, 3 Days Grace, Massive Attack, Avatar (the band :P) Bless The Fall. You might not like these bands but you might get references of other bands through looking around YouTube that might be better, I don’t know though.

      -literally sweating it out in a hot car with BBC world news or NPR on the radio.

      -eating sour-cream and white-cheddar Cod Chips (the actual brand or something of the kind).

      -eating sharp cheddar cheese with toasted and staled sour dough bread.

      -eating spicy foods.

      -taking St. Jobsworths or HTP time relive pills on anxiety days (I think they sell both at walgreens but try somewhere cheaper, even Walmart might sell it in store or online, Amazon, etc).

      -Hot Bathes with bubble bomb soaps (from Bath and Body works, or online that that sells a variety like herbal ones to sooth or one to heal the body that in return heals the mind like Green Tea extract soap bombs.

      -staying hydrated and drinking a few cups of coffee and slurping one shot of Vodka in the morning on depressive days (dont do this often though otherwise it wont have an effect anymore and isn’t great for you physically either),

      -sometimes aroma therapy but usually the citric fruits or pine cedar scents work better.

      -writing on yourself with pen or sharpie on your wrist or chest saying either “You Love, I Love, I Grasp Life, Death is My life’s Enemy (this one i drew on my arm or thigh), They Love You, Life= Learn Receive Share, You Will be Needed Soon, etc (write whatever makes you smile, even draw symbols or pictures that matter to you in life that will give you that rare microsecond shiver in your spine that feels like being happy.

      -Talking to strangers for a few moments on your way to something can help too as difficult as it is to just approach someone to talk to even though your not going to have an empathetic experience. You might find out a little something new during the conversation to think about in that day.

      I have absolutely no trust for psychiatrists, they seem more afraid of you than you being afraid of you, which worsens how you feel about your overall self. I bruise myself a lot on the thigh, and throw myself at walls or doors to deliberately hurt my arms or shoulders, I starve myself a lot until the point of my stomach twisting and jumping around for something to feed on, which I would normally feed it like a bite of something throughout the day to get by with the starvation coping mode that creates disillusion for me a lot of the time just to think how hungry i am instead of feeling how angry or scared i am. I’ve gotten the courage to start cutting on my other thigh too. DO NOT HURT YOURSELF BY ANY MEANS, PLEASE USE THE ALTERNATIVES THAT I LISTED FOR THE SAKE OF YOUR HEALTH as contradicting & hypocritical of me to say so, but it’s me and will only really do hideous things like this when I am in a state of loathing who I am and how nobody is here to comfort the demon out of me that is now in control for the time being that I have to hurt out of me before it does me on my crisis days.

      But seriously! You are not alone in this, the issue is we are alone because this topic is taboo (which pisses me off since adolescent suicides or ODs are the second most killer for teens and young adults in the United States) and we feel as though no one will talk to us or just judge us until committing suicide, we are around each other mixed in with the “normals” so we don’t have an idea which of us are going through the same thing unless you are or have gone through it and can see the signs and symptoms in others like you that you have seen in yourself. I’ve destined my philosophy and principles about life that makes more sense, more sense to me on why things are the way they are as well as many scientific facts i try to learn about to incorporate into ideas about it to life through practicality and wonder, but these ideas have made me fear death even less 😛 which isn’t good in theory for people who need help, but it brings me some pessimistic optimism that seems almost so out of this world. The theology I’ve made for myself keeps me balanced whenever I think about ending it and makes me think about it for a long time which in return buys me time to rethink what I am about to do.

      Honestly most days (I know I should but I literally don’t) I don’t think about anyone with heart to care if they are going to miss me if I go, but what helps a little is if there is one person that you feel like you need to live for in meaning and symbolic form, even if they are already passed, you can spark something in in your core to get you through for a time being.

      Bottom-line, your gonna have internal battles to come, you might even get hurt in those battles, but remember that there is a nurturing part of you that wants you to be alive for the external battles to come where the person next to you or in front of you will need your help even if you wont feel anything from it, it gives a real sense of purpose and it’s as simple as opening a really tight jar of pickles for ma or grandma when they shout your name for help. Living hurts, I know, and I usually scream i want to die at the top of my lungs (literally I do, not usually with anyone around though, but other times it can turn fun when someone overhears and starts to get concerned and you have to make up a reason for what you said) just to get it out of me until that phrase becomes a broken record and those thoughts get depleted out of you until later.

      Remember though, you are NOT alone in your battles to come or have already:
      -When your eyes go black paint it white and blink,
      -When shadows creep up on you, blind them standing with the biggest smile that it even scares the Joker,
      -And always laugh at the demon that looks at you through the mirror for it is an animal incarcerated in your zoo that only exists to eat and shit while you are more than that.

      Find someone who has gone through the same thing as me, you, and others That someone can help you in a crisis moment (and you’ll maybe experience it one day or already have, but I really hope not, it’s terrible to go through). Knowing someone who understands you through their own experience of it is very comforting and they would have a sense of what to do, even just sit with you till you have upraise from the battle in your war. I don’t know when the war will be won for me, and others like us feel the same, a lot have been fighting for years and can’t see when it’s going to end, and very few have won their wars.

      Don’t give up, find strategies to avoid battles and to get through the war without much casualties. You’re young and vise versa, so we both have paths that we see and know what will happen in each that look very undesirable, but we need to choose one crappy path to find a smooth one which could be a long or short walk.

      Keep Fighting Young & Burnout old.

      1. You are truly wonderful. I am filled with admiration for your grit and inventiveness and cleverness in fighting your depression and your huge compassion for the person you are writing to, evident in almost every line. You clearly have tons of hard won wisdom and heart and experience to contribute. Remember that on your bad days and please, please keep doing those great things you shared with us and don’t cut or bruise your beautiful precious body anymore, because it is the vessel that lets you help us. I was crying and feeling so, so sad today like there’s no future for me and thinking no one in my family wants me. But you lifted me out of it and make me remember I can be a fighter like you. Fight on noble fighter! I thank you and I love you for you gift to me today.

  258. Help me. I am also a victim of severe depression. I am 22 yrs old and its been 3 yrs suffering from depression. I have always suffered from social anxiety since I was young. During my kindergarten I was bullied and it made me to be socially awkward. Its very difficult for me to express myself and I always think that I am not good enough. When I can’t express myself I start to stress from within. My mind is never at rest and I get confused most of the time. Its killing me. I really wish God would kill me and give me rest. There are moments I feel that I can do anything that comes my way no matter how difficult and they are moments that I feel like grave. I really want someone to talk to but I have trust issues. My life is complicated. I want to be free from these depression moments. Help me please.

      1. how long it took to pass it? im almost 27 and still postponing last year medical college. im struggling and blaming myself. i don’t even know what to do rather than wasting time playing games or thinking.

  259. i have the same feelings except that i love music, when i listen to it it helps me think of other things i want it to happen in my life, and i realize that my life is just a daydream i only spend my days and night alone in my room, i’m 16 years old, i live with my parents and they are old, they are in their 60’s, i have a brother and sister and idont see them often, only once in a while and when i do see them i feel better, friends always complain that i dont call them and text them and stuff but when i’m with them i smile and laugh and im happy with them, i tend to be cheerful amd happy but i’m not now, always fighting with my parents and they feel that i’m useless, i do what ever they told me to do, and then they say i’m doing nothing and they start complaining about me to anyone they know and start to compare me and my relatives especially my sister cause she is married and she is good with everything, my brother is a failure and they tend to tell me that i’m like my brother.. i’m nerdy type i don’t usually tidy myself and wear makeup and do my hair like the other girls, so that bother my mother and want to control me and she wants me to be someone i’m not, when i go out i wear nice clothes and i look pretty but thats only when i go out, people say that i’m pretty! and i’m satisfied with myself that way, i dont have to be perfect and to be pretty every min of my life! and thats exactly what my mother want me to be, my dad always busy looking at the computer or the TV he is 64 years old, he goes to his job although he suppose too old for that but he had to since he is the only one that gains money in this house! my brother although he is 30 years old, he is jobless! i dont want to be like him and i think i’m not.. but my mom thinks that i’ll turn into him. i hate myself and my life and i always imagined myself dead or jumping from the window! but i cant bring myself to do that because i love my family, i dont want to go away forever and i want to do things in my life but i think i’ll never do it, for many reasons. thank you if you read all this, i feel like i said whats inside me that helps me relax! and sorry for all that talk and waisting your time.

  260. I feel like I’m in shock, like I’m immobilized, like I’ve been hit with the social weapon of choice, the stun gun of authority. Like my road has been cut off. My mind moving like sludge. Like I’m on my death bed one frail arm raised. We have long ago learned how to destroy one another and earth with the use of our powers. I am stunned, immobilized, paralysed,voiceless because it seems to me we have to turn to a power that is greater than us. That power that has come to my awareness twice, thrice and taught me,with the right key the door will open. Yes, slap me,shake me, kick me I’m done.

  261. For me, depression makes me feel very aggitated and withdrawn. I won’t visit anyone, i will not go outside or run errands unless i really have to. I am more quiet with my husband. I keep to myself. I don’t want to wake up in the morning because i am so tired. I have negative thoughts about myself all the time (very poor self image). It doesn’t help that others cut my appearence down as well.

  262. I AM ONLY 12 and I feel like I have depression.
    I woke up this morning and didn’t feel like I belonged in the world anymore.
    I started crying for no apparent reason.
    It all started since I moved to Jackson, Kentucky.
    My dad forced me to move.
    I had to leave everything.
    Family,friends.
    And the worst part is i

    1. I am 23 and I felt so misplaced at age 12. My advice don’t worry about others. Do your own thing, get through school, try to stay positive. Don’t get mixed up with boys. Depression doesn’t just go away so don’t do anything you will regret in the future because you will look back on it ànd feel guilt.

  263. “… it is no the eléctrica light my friend, it is your vision going dim…” Leonard Cohen, Dress rehearsal rag

    I’m 34 now, I’m om meds since i was 19, and I have depression, since 12, or younger. I feel very tired, sleep a lot, eat too much and feeling of numbness and of being disconnected from the world: the whole day thinking about myself. I can’t concentrate.Even the easiest task seems requiring lot of effort, or imposible. It get worse un winter, exercise and sunlight helped. It taked time to get with the correct medication.

  264. Hi, I’m now 13 and I possibly suffered small depression for the past 3-4 years. I never opened up. I am afraid of doing it and being seen as weak. Even though I have common sense of knowing I’m not alone, it still doesn’t allow me. I am a geek-nerd introvert who would rather lock up in their room for the whole dayr reading Candice and watching anime. Ocasionaly go out to eat, butsometimes I can have just a couple of rice crackers forthe whole day. I don’t feel hunger . When I feel stuffed, I feel fat. By the way I am 1.75m tall and I weigh about 89kg so you can day im chubby. I have been trying to loose some weight for the past year and I haven’t changed. My friends annoy me by complaining that’d why I don’t want to be one of them. Being alone with a book and music feels like im finally free from the cruel world that we call Earth. I tried religion, it worked … For a week. Then I came back to the hopeless person I am. I always seem to break stuff, not even touching it. I am useless. I tries Manu hobbies. Only reading helped a bit. It helped tozone out and forget the mischievous things that have happened and tried to think about the present and future. No use.Throughout, I have developed a rollercoaster of in and out of self-harm and suicidal thoughts. It began after the first year. Not long ago, I was on like a thread in the sky close to self harm. I learnt a lot of things . I always told myself that with every bad thing there is a good thing. Ha… I was stupid. I don’t belive if because why belibe something when it hasn’t beencclose to be proven real. That I’d say I’d just a waste of time. Think about anything. Think of stranget things like ‘what if we’re actually in a coma and the sun I’d the flashlight and if we die because of ourselves, we die all together. ‘ that’d all from me. I’m happy to at least post this publically and is no more inside my dark, souless soul which deserves death. -Peace ,stay strong!

  265. Ian on 10th august. Your words match me right now. I can see the joy it’s right there yet I cannot touch it. The world and my daughter still look beautiful and I still overwhelming want to do and be what I was. I’ve always beaten myself up been sleep deprived but in march I was starting to take care and feel the most immense joy. But signs were there I was going to descend I just didn’t truly recognise them. To top it off I now have melasma triggered by bc pills and I feel disgusting and have to shield away from the sun all summer. I’ve wasted a fortune on natural therapies and have fallen hard. Diagnosed with major deoression prominent anxiety it’s worse now. I’m in a room on fire running around and can’t get out. The panic doesn’t cease until I take a sleeping tablet when I wake it’s back to it. I have a wonderful beautiful daughter and I just want to care for her by myself and share joy. It’s killing me. Sending caring loving thoughts to you all suffering out there

    1. Julie– I can relate to you with melasma. I believe I suffer from depression and anxiety and it seemed managable but after getting melasma on my upper lip from bc pills I started to become even more self conscious which is making my anxiety worse which I think is also comtributing to my depression getting worse. Maybe I didn’t realize that the melasma contributed to the state I am in now until I read what you said. My boyfriend and even my always critical mother claim they don’t notice it. Not that that is convincing to me though but such is the nature of this beast. I don’t believe anything nice that people tell me about myself. It is starting to feel like my anxiety and depression are going to push the few people I have in my life away from me because they don’t understand. Then that idea makes me even more anxious/depressed and makes me feel like I have no where to turn.

  266. Someone else posted here about “worshipping” the few rare days on which they feel fine. That really chimes with me. I spend most of my life in a fog, almost overwhelmed with despair and self-loathing, and frustration – but somehow still functioning, still dragging myself to work, still earning. Then, just once in a while, maybe every six months or so I will go through a period when things don’t seem so bad, when I feel ‘up’ and properly capable of communicating with other people. I wish I could bottle that feeling (actually, come to think of it – drinking is the only way I can get something like it on demand), or hold on to it in some way, but it goes soon enough. It occurs to me that this feeling which I interpret as ‘up” is actually just how normal people feel most of the time – I envy them horribly.

    1. It has occurred to me as well that the once in a while “good day” is what most people have most of the time. For me cannabis gives me something to look forward to, but that is also fleeting. Alcohol makes me sick and other harder drugs are a bad trip into addiction and more troubles that make life even harder. It seems like there’s never anything to look forward to that “excites” me or makes me want to wake up in the morning. Why is my life like this? I’m 51 and have always been this way. I feel worthless most of the time. That’s depression looks in my life.

  267. I have been depressed for about two years now… Quite recently it’s gotten really bad… A friend killed herself and now another friend wants to kill herself and I am trying to help her but all along I am wanting to kill myself… I have anxiety attacks and loneliness… Most days I wish I didn’t wake up. I’ve really lost faith in people and myself and I don’t know how long I can keep this up. I am dead inside… Just a shell of a person I knew a long time ago… I am alone. I get so angry sometimes that I even want to hurt myself… I just wish it would all go away. I wish it would all stop. I fucking hate myself

    1. Alex, you are not alone with your pain. People like me knows that horrible feeling of depression. I wish I could help you feel better. Maybe if you think that you can be understood…that you are not the only one…that you are precious…It’s hard to think that way, but that is the truth.
      Depression is a distorted thinking about ourselves and about life.
      I have feeling like you do for most of my life, but I try everyday to fight the devil, and I loose the fight quite often, but don’t quit.
      You are important and must find a way of recognize that and of loving yourself.
      I wish you all the best right now.

  268. i feel so empty. music affects me too much. lana del rey songs devastate me. i can’t stop crying. everything looks so meanless. i got no reason to cry but suddently all the sad/bad memories i have come and hit me hard.

  269. What depression is to me.
    My mind is the darkest, deepest hole. I can hear my thoughts crying and screaming in the distance. I feel the tendrels of foggy memories creep around me and tighten. I feel the oppression of darkness surround me. Empty. Alone. Tired.
    I reach out and find no one who understands. I feel like I’m drowning in my own brain. I am lost and alone, a prisoner to my darkest thoughts.
    Honestly I am tired of the fight, but long ago my mother told me I was selfish to think of ending, that it is the easy way out. That the only people I would hurt are the ones that love me. If they love me why do they never ask? Or even talk to me.
    I am always quick to anger, my patience is thin. I am tired and my body always hurts. I have lost interest in so many things I loved. I miss art, and reading. I miss going outside just to breath the fresh air.
    I will always miss me, who I was before depression, I was 16 when it really hit in bad. Since then I have self medicated many ways. Now even they have lost my interest. I am at a loss, what am I to do now. Burden a stranger with my never ending story of woe? How many times can I say it before I lose my voice.

  270. I don’t know if I’m depressed or not, I feel sad all the time and I never smile. Before I used to laugh and smile everyday and have some days when I’m down but now, it seems like everyday I’m sad and not excited about anything and there are just some days where I laugh and smile. And the worst part is there is absolutely no reason, I know my family loves me, my friends too, I even have a boyfriend that I really love but when we go on dates I’m also down and force myself to laugh and smile. I don’t feel like I should be like this, I should have a reason, people live so much worst and I’m the stupid one just crying for no reason. I’m so confused, I feel happyness sometimes inside of me and like my feelings want me to smile but I just can’t, I feel tired and hopeless. I want to be a strong girl, who doesn’t cry for no reason. I want a talk to somebody but I know the only response they’ll have is that its a teenager phase, but it’s not…

  271. School starts tomorrow and I just don’t want to. I’m real quiet at school. Not good at conversation. No friends because of those things. I don’t care about school work I don’t want to get a job I don’t want to do anything because anything Is just pointless. I need to finish summer reading. But I don’t give a fuck. I don’t really need to. Everything is optional. I wanna be homeschooled. My parents say no. They don’t understand that I need to be homeschooled or else I’ll .. I don’t know . I don’t have the guts to OD and I fucked up my life from the start. And I just stayed that way. I’m a completely different person outside of school. But I change back into that person when someone I don’t know tries talking to me. The advice I get is to be confident. But that seems very impossible. Even if I seem confident, if someone tries to talk to me I’ll be extremely me. The different quiet awkward me.I fucking hate that. Please don’t make me cuz I don’t care about it because it’s just pointless

  272. I feel like im suffocating. There is a constant feeling of doom. My mind races, my body aches, stomach hurts. I can not sleep bc of one bad thought after another. I know i was not always like this. I think about days from the past when my children where younger and it seems my marriage and raising my kids were surrounded in sunlight and laughter. I don’t know when my days went from volunteering at my kids school, cleaning my home up, making love and spending time with my hubby. Now my days just seem like im going though the motions.I see my husband and kids happy and smiling as well as the rest of my family.I miss really been apart of life. I dont want to go on like this i want the sunshine back. I like others have dark thoughts especially in the dark of night when my kids are sleeping and my hubby is cuddling next to me i just cry and my mind races but i learned long ago death is easy and living is hard. I still look 4 the day when the sunshines again. I am not so selfish that i will make my hubby, kids, and family wonder if they could have done more or if they did something. I know its all me and i will continue 2 look 4 the sun to rise though my pain and tears.

  273. I just feel like my life is useless; that I don’t need to exist.. Everyone around me looks so genuinely happy, and it sometimes pisses me off that they rub their joy in my face. I know they don’t know what I feel inside, because I usually just force a smile across my face. do you ever feel alone, even when you’re around other people?
    I had a best friend who was just like me; abusive parents and strict households. We would sneak out of our houses at night just to see each other and escape for just a little while. We always sat down by our neighborhood creek and sit next to the water, and forget about everything. We didn’t care if we got caught, just as long as we were together, everything would be alright. We would “kick the sky and call it our bitch.” ..geez that sounds so stupid now. I thought that was what we were going to do, I really did, but I guess she thought different…because she decided to go ahead and “kick the sky” without me. I guess she just couldn’t wait to say goodbye before she left forever. My heart was broken for so long and it still is, because my other half is missing. I tried hurting myself more just to forget about the pain, but it was always too strong. I have resorted to eating food and then throwing it up and then eating more and more.
    I keep thinking that eating will fill that dark empty void in my soul, but I keep eating and eating so how come I feel so empty? She’s gone forever, and I know I’m in denial I just can’t stop thinking about her all the time she was my best friend the other half of me. Food isn’t filling the empty space, neither is pain or anything else! I just miss her so much I’m so useless like I was before I met her and I can’t help but feel angry and sad. The world is grey all the time. There is no color or happiness for me on this Earth, but I want to still live for my friend and make the sky my bitch forever. ha that’s really dumb sounding, but I want to do it for her. It’s just…I don’t think I can do this anymore. I can still smell her in the air and feel the touch of her skin. I still even dream about her sometimes; She just keeps whispering funny things in my ears when I sleep. “Live for me,” she says, “look into the water,” she says. I don’t know what it means… but I’ll get it someday, I just hope that I’ll still be around to figure it out.

    1. “Kick the sky and call it our bitch” – you write so well, your post moved me (and written on my birthday).

      I feel things – and I have a STRONG feeling you will meet someone new to kick the shit out of the sky and call it your bitch forever.

      Keep the passion (your writing reveals it).

      David

    2. l am so sorry,your pain comes thur in your words,maybe a support group would you deal with your grief ,please try to stay strong,

  274. I’ve been suffering and living with depression on and off since my teens. It comes and goes like an old faithful ‘friend’. The one thing I have found with depression is that it feels completely and utterly self absorbing. I feel a sense of sado masochism about the whole thing. The feeling is like a sea of vulnerability that washes over me wave after miserable wave, then the tide goes out and I am fine, I have swum to shore which I find to be a desert island that is slowly being eroded away until I am swimming again in this ocean of dull, heavy pain. That being said there is an underlying guilty pleasure that I am being completely self indulgent and am freely expressing my pain and damn the rest of the world. I find that I am my most self expressive when I have my low moods but the catch being that when I stop being creative I am still left with that wretched feeling. Keep breathing. That’s all that can be done in those times. Keep breathing.

  275. I’m a 12 year old girl and I can be very happy during the day. My friends even say I’m always happy. But when I’m at home usually in the evening or night I can start to feel very sad and I start focusing on all the bad in my life but I just can’t help it and then I start to find myself crying and once I start it’s hard to stop. Usually I start crying because of unfairness with my sister like she goes to the beach with a friend and I stay home and do chores. My mom really helps to comfort me when I’m sad but I’d like to know why I’m sometimes happy or sad. Am I depressed or not?

  276. IT is a fog that descends. It is like a seperate entity – I am aware of it – yet I cannot fix it – I can see joy, but I cannot reach it. I have so much in my reach, but I cannot do it. It is an insidious state

    1. Ian,
      I swear to you; there is no battle we cannot fight together. You will overcome and you are deserving of happiness. You are worth the space you occupy in this world because you are a person with a beating heart, a perceptive mind.
      Ultimately, the world is kind, I am sincere, and I care about how you feel- as do many.
      I don’t need to know you, I just want you to know that there was a place specially created in this world for you to flourish in, for you to smile again. It may take some time to get there, but you will.

  277. Hi…I’m not sure if i do have depression for sure, but after reading all of these signs, i can relate to more than 7 of them, and now i am wondering if i do or not, i have a reason for thinking it and right now i don’t think i should talk about this reason. my question is that how do you tell ur parents ((or caregiver)) that you may be depressed?

  278. My depression is me, sitting on my couch at 1:00 in the afternoon, and thinking “holy shit…..I don’t feel like doing ANYTHING…..NOTHING but sitting around or sleeping. Sure we all feel a little lazy sometimes, but this far surpasses laziness. This is “even cooking a pack of Ramen noodles feels like too monumental of a task”. (so I opt to just not eat anything at all). This is sometimes 2 or more solid weeks that I want to do nothing. Everyone annoys me. Especially my boyfriend who just wants to spend time with me. And I want to scream at him and say “CAN’T YOU SEE HOW I’M FEELING? DO i REALLY SEEM TO WANT TO DO ANYTHING???” So I force myself to hang out with him and pretend I’m enjoying what little, sporadic sex I’m giving him, which leads to me feeling resentful of him, which leads to both of us feeling like shit. Then I’m ok for a little while. I feel active….I’m hyper. The girls at work love me. They say I’m the most fun person they’ve ever worked with. But when I cycle down, I am like a completely different person to them. And I have to listen to them ask me “what’s wrong?” for a week straight. It’s maddening. I feel like I’ve been cheated out of a real life. I don’t see any light at the end of this tunnel. My meds don’t help much yet i’m afraid to go off of them because the withdrawals are so horrific. So that’s me. That’s my depression. And I hate it. And I hate myself.

  279. I am a 42 year old man who had led a pretty good life. I love my wife and kids. I have enjoyed my career for the most part for 20 some years. Just recently, I was put on a new project, not by my choice. It was complete beyond my skill level and way beyond the acope of anything i had dealt with. I felt like I had been dropped in the middle of a dark ocean on a tiny raft with the knowledge that a storm is coming. Since then, I haven’t felt like doing much. I spend off days not doing much beyond what I absolutely must do. It feels like I can’t catch my breath. Nothing seems to make me happy. I turned down a chance to hang out with friends in order to be by myself the whole day. Sleep has happened but I frequently wake in the middle of the night and then I can’t get back to sleep, which makes me feel more hazy during the day. The notion of suicide has crossed my mind before in life. I guess the only thing holding me back is my family. Seriously thinking that quitting my job is the best option, but I am also scared that if I do, it may not be enough to shake this feeling.

  280. I don’t know if I have depression but I just want these feelings to go away, I feel like I have nothing to be depressed about and I’m just weak which makes me feel worse, sometimes I am really down and everyday it’s hard to get up and do things I don’t want to see people or talk to people and I don’t want to do anything I used to do, but then other times I just laugh at absolutely everything to a point I feel I’ve just lost it and then I do really crazy things that I usually regret the next day when I wake up and again just feel like I should be dead

  281. I don’t know what it could possibly be, but it is almost routine that I feel sad and desolate on a Tuesday night leading into a Wednesday, this is all the time in college at home now it is summer, I am 17, I have no job, having to put up with constant put downs, I have no job, I am sick of constant rejection I just want one, it’s all my mum moans about and my girlfriend being ‘ugly’ and the little spiteful things as she had a kidney transplant, sometimes I feel even I don’t love her yetI want to live with her because she’s the only person who makes me happy but I don’t know, I’m not HAPPY, not SAD but I’m hanging in there just existing, I want to watch Come Dine with Me all the time, my mum thinks I shouldn’t moan because my life is rosy sitting in my room all day and going out with my girlfriend yet she isn’t approachable at all, I am really irritated by them all and I just want to win the lottery and/or move away, it has been like this for 3 years yet the parents are oblivious, with my life ‘having no reason to be sad’ I have a counsellor at college and I just zone out to be honest I do a lot I don’t care for anyone’s advice, all they do is nag nag nag, I need to get away yet can’t, evrything is effort and that’s not laziness I just want to sleep. I would come home from school and cry, get a berating off my parents over not having a job and CRY and look at how everyone’s growing up and I am just standing still, evenings after college were spent in my room doing nothing of note and that was fine for me, 3 years I have felt secluded but I have just got on with it in all aspects of life and shown no signs of discomfort emotionally, but my girlfriend and I have been through lots like this in our short what was originally a friendship, and now relationship and I never want to lose her and she feels the same, I just need a break, no one understands, no one appreciates me.

  282. I feel like I’m in a whirlpool. I’m 26 and I am constantly ripped between the feeling of wanting to be someone and everything and wanting everything to stop to be nothing. It is a constant circle with no path except the one you just visited. You run and go right back into it. You are paralyzed by fear, constrained by sadness and loneliness, and frustrated by feeling the way you do. Nothing works, feelings don’t go away, and you are stuck in this whirlpool in your head that always moves and sucks you in and while it moves you remain stationary.

  283. I’ve felt lonely all of my life I can remember being maybe 7 or 8 singing to myself about how I wouldn’t be lonely all my life & how I’d fine people who really cared about me what I’ve noticed in myself my depression started from simply always feeling alone and I can remember always feeling left out of everything Im not a loner but I feel as one I usually don’t talk or hang out with others unless I’m the one calling or reaching out first but most days I talk myself out of it knowing no one cares & that I’m not good enough or enough for others I’m filled with self doubt I stay confined to myself even though I try to stay busy & around people I feel alone & hopeless as if I cant do anything right no one who’s in my life knows what its like to never have someone because I’m always there but I can’t say the same I’m always sad but I smile & laugh but most times there forced I want help but because of how my family is instead of help they’ll probably just tell me to pray & God will fix it I believe he can & will but I can’t keep holding everything in I need someone who can truly listen to me & help sort of my feelings I’ve tried & got no where its like I’m battling myself but I’m also the only person who cares for as well as about me I don’t know what to do

  284. I get annoyed with EVERYTHING and EVERYONE. The smallest things will set me off and I get upset over things I never used to. If I didn’t have a child to take care of, I’d lie in bed all day and avoid everything. I stress and worry about everything. Again if I didn’t have a child, I’d probably drink all day. I never thought I’d be like this. I used to be happy all the time. I think my depression is circumstantial but my circumstances aren’t changing any time soon and this feeling is just getting worse.

  285. I get on and off depression no matter how good or bad life is, its become part of whom I become. I’ve given up on most of my dreams and accepted that I’ll never be happy in a relationship or with any work that comes my way(which pays too little) or with anyone i meet I’ve just accepted my fate about being sad alone and never ever financially stable. So bring it on dull depressing life! Its a shame really, all i ever wanted was to be so successful that i got depression because “enough is never enough” and pass away in a house full of drugs and alcohol. But after spell checking all this i think the depression is making me go like “oh why me” instead of “I’m gonna fix it”. I’m gonna fix this thanks article.

    1. You have described exactly how I feel in exact detail. Thank you for sharing your thoughts and emotions. I hope one day we can overcome this heavy burden. This way of living is no life. I wish the best for you and your life.

  286. I am well educated kind funny patriotic respectful. I know am very good person and I know I am not crazy. Yet at 43 I can envision what I could be great at and recognize some strengths in me but there are several things I feel are toxic or have killed me in Life I noticed some patterns to myself and I feel I am looping over the last 25 years I feel like I don’t qualify or will ever qualify to be like my very long time friends who have wives solid careers nice houses raising their kids growing up sending them off to high school orcollege I feel cut off from grown up things I feel like I am totally disconnected from this marathon which also causes anxiety. I can’t tell anyone about my life really. I suffer from being defensive and ashamed in some respects. I have this split in me between knowing what I would be good at and being fulfilled professionally. I am not working right now. I know I have folks that love me and I am blessed Yet at times I dread if they passed on. Just an hour ago I was bawling here at my folks home. I can go off and live away from home for 2-3 years then I always come back…..what the hell is wrong with me… What can I do to strengthen myself in life give me confidence and power in what I do….before the rest of my life shoots by me and I am really screwed can someone help fix me please I have missed out on being normal if that makes sense missed out on maybe ever being stable or truly successful or self sustaining I am quite scared and ashamed Can I ever turn this around?

  287. For me depression feels like a constant feeling of being trapped, like you’re stuck in a loop of being depressed thinking you’re better and then it coming back. All you want to do is scream but you’re too numb to express it. And when you finally feel something again it’s awful, you feel yourself slowly going insane and there’s nothing you can do to stop it.

    I can’t get professional help because my mum doesn’t take me seriously and I can’t talk to my friends because they just make me feel worse…

  288. Hey I am 23 and I am not really sure what to say but recently I have just been a mess. I keep having so much anxiety about everything and anything that I can’t function at all. At work I am making mistakes everyday and i then I worry about these mistakes and it makes me worst. I just seem to wonder around attempting to do things but never actually getting round to doing it. I feel like all the energy has been sucked out of me and I can’t bring myself to do any tasks because I get too overwelmed with worry. I am also at university doing nursing and I generally can’t continue the course if this continues because I would fail. I need to get a grip but I can’t seem to do it. I have a loving family and bf but who knows how long they will stick around for while I am messing up my life. I am either not sleeping at alland up all night with panic attacks or I am sleeping too much. I just can’t cope with this at all.

  289. Depression feels like there is no good in the world. Every good, kind act becomes self-serving and manipulative. Everything takes on a negative spin and you can’t see the good. A rainbow just reminds you that it rained and you didn’t close your window, it isn’t beautiful, it’s just a reminder of all the things that you think are good are just like that rainbow, shifts in light a manipulation of something else to make you think that things can be good. The sun is too bright, everything looks too vivid or too dull to be real. Food becomes this monster, should I feed myself, should I try to enjoy the bite I take or does it just cause harm in other ways. And it never seems like anyone else understands, so you feel SO alone. People don’t know what it’s like so they tell you to look at the bright side, they don’t know there isn’t one. You feel like everyone else can see and feel something that you can’t, and you wonder what is wrong with you that you can’t. And then you wonder if maybe they are delusional and see things that aren’t there. You become ashamed to be a human being because you can’t find redeeming qualities in humanity. And then the weight of all of it is crushing, and suffocating all at once, and nothing too.

    1. ahhh serious us seniors been there.
      Hang in there. In my 30’s my little son said mom u cry too much. Then I met a yoga teacher. Crazy zany 70’s. Now he has girls going into teens. u go up,you go down but u go. Try to eat esp. in your teens you are going through chemical adjustments as manhood/womanhood begins. Apparently at 11 the spirit is active but once the hormones click in that shuts down to protect u. I was so outcast so lonely I heard a pang sound in my chest. 30’s.
      Try to eat well every 4 hrs. It helps.
      I say cause Im into that now and its working. Remember that life can proceed slowly so find a nice way to form a rhythmic routine to keep u on track. A musician once told me if u go off track deliberately u need the format to grab back onto. Makes sense. Its also often like a race course in which you learn to accelerate and slow down or stop as the path demands. Trust u as often as u can.
      Hold the helm steady cause earth people are mustering all they can to help it.
      yes I know “ouch your hurting me” feels.
      I came here cause of the depression starting around me and mom died 91 but thats okay and here I am hearing all you and seeing im not alone. I read now alcoholism is not connecting rather than addiction. My life supports that theory.
      Aloneness is lack of connection. Growth can be dormant for long periods but its true intentions do count. hi five!

  290. yesterday was my birthday , and it also was the worst day in my life.
    i’m 16 right now , 3 years ago I was really happy , I had friends , I had dreams and hopes.
    and now I lost everything I had , i’m so alone and I need someone badly.
    everyday I feel like my existence is useless . I’m doing nothing with my life. Either im sleeping , crying or playing virtual games.
    I even forgot how to talk to anyone in real life
    last week I wasnt able to eat and sleep properly ( and because of that i’m skinny as hell and people make fun of my body )
    it feels like the only thing I can do is crying.

  291. I believe I used to have depression.I felt most of the things listed above when I did,the world seemed like a terrible gloomy mess that was hard to deal with and things that most of the people around me thought were easy to do -I.E: receiving criticism,talking about feelings,and talking to family- seemed extremely difficult to me.I sometimes feel like it comes back for short amounts of time -randomly-,and it feels as if I’m being stabbed in my stomach and nothing will ever be okay again.I know that depression is hard to handle and I just want everyone who has had it or is dealing with it right now to know that they’ll be okay and they’re not alone.

  292. I’m 49 and in at least my third bout of major depression which started when I was 37. I will turn 50 in September and feel that my life is over. Partly because of the age thing, knowing that society and employers worship youth, leaving me feeling worthless. I am in a dead end career with no chances for advancement or growth at my current employer, a struggling nonprofit where we’ve received pay raises in only 2 of the past 11 years, and where our retirement company matches were taken away in 2009 and likely never will be restored. I’m struggling to get by and meet my bills let alone save any money. At my age I don’t want a roommate. My aging divorced parents both live here in this city: dad is in public housing, aged 81 and starting to fail. Mom is 71, on Medicaid and food stamps, barely survives on $600 a month SS and her house is hoarded full. My married sister is on SSDI and out of the picture to be able to help. I’m paralyzed from fear because I cannot do anything to fix these situations and when crap hits the fan it will all fall on me to deal with–health problems if the parents, cleaning out mom’s house once she dies if it’s not lost to medicaid first and therefore no inheritance to me or my sister. This is not living-this is dying a slow death from situations that are too overwhelming, and a career path where there are just not enough opportunities to move on and have the financial peace I need so I don’t end up like my parents in my old age. I guess I’ve made so many bad decisions it seems and my depression isn’t helping me try to find solutions. All I do is go in circles or sleep most weekends to avoid being awake and thinking about all this stuff. I have no friends or family members to help me deal with any of this. It truly sucks. Life is not worth living if this is what it’s like.

  293. I’ve been suffering from depression for awhile but lately it has gotten worse,my mind and thoughts or filled with nothing but worry and fear,I’m scared all the time or aggravated always having some kind of emotions don’t really know how to level them out,I have a fiancee and kids but my relationship is rough with them because of me,I cant get my fiancée to understand how I feel so we argue everyday to the point that I feel like I’m going crazy and my blood pressure stays up,I hate my job and I’m bout to embark in a new career which I’m scared because I don’t want to fail I just want peace,and happiness in my life and to be able to live my life stress free life is to short and precious to not enjoy it

  294. Ive self diagnosed myself with depression for the past few years. I used to be so happy and bubbly and enjoyed all the little things in life. I used to make plans with friends and felt like life was so great! In high school, i thought i was depressed and usually cried or cut for attention. Now that im in college, its a much different feeling i have. I have a bad alcohol abuse problem that only feeds into my depression and i feel like its a continuous cycle of feel bad, drink about it, feel even worse. Ive been suicidal almost all of college and it more than anything scares me. When i get really upset, i blame everything on myself and often think of all my past mistakes. This makes me feel as though theres nothing else to do but kill myself. I feel as though everyone around me hates me, and that is by far the worst feeling in the world. I had to drop an entire semester of college because i couldnt function or focus enough on my schoolwork and everything brought me down. Ive told my family only an extent of my depression, but i feel the need to tell them everything. Ive gone to multiple counselors up at school, but they didnt really help much. My best remedy was being home with my family. I really hope that one day i could officially be over all this pain, but i dont see day that happening anytime soon. If anyone has any advice or words of jnspiration i would really appreciate it.

    1. Hi. Just read your comment and I relate to it a little. I relate to MOST of these posts, actually. For some reason, depression just fell on me about a week ago. Just out of the blue. I’ve dealt with anxiety most of my life and I think I have been depressed before but I didn’t know what it was at the time. This time around, it’s way worse and I recognize it as depression. I feel cut off from everyone, like no one cares about me, they can’t help me, I don’t really care about them and I’m just all alone. It’s seriously the worst feeling. I feel like a stranger in my own life. Everything seems different, foreign to me. I just FEEL different, “off” somehow. Sometimes it’ll lift a little bit and I’ll feel back to normal but then it comes back. I’ve also got some pretty major anxiety going on too. So that’s what brought me here. And then I read your post. I just wanted to ask you if you’ve tried medication? You said that counseling didn’t help so maybe you have an imbalance – hormonal, chemical, something. I’m wondering if that’s what’s wrong with me since it hit me so out of the blue. But anyway, I just wanted to encourage you to go to the doctor – you may have something medical going on that’s causing or contributing. I’m certainly not an expert on much of anything but I’m currently studying for my Masters in counseling and the things I’ve read tell me that a lot of things can cause depression. Sorry if this seems trivial or presumptuous! Just trying to help! 🙂

  295. I’m nothing but a burden to everyone, I try to make my self believe thag I’m loved, but I know Im not. I know there is no one out there for me. Im broken. Im teared. I lost hope in what’s coming next..
    I found peace in studying, in getting lost in science.. Now that it’s summer, I barely laugh, everyday seems dull.. the sky seems sad.. I’m the type that always appears happy, but what’s the point if i cry my self to sleep atleast 3 times aweek. . My family, they hate me i know it. My mother prays for my death out loud, and so do I. I never had anyone that would love me completely as a human being. People always point out my flaws, always making me feel anxious. I didn’t know I suffer from depression until just now. I read about feeling like in a black hole few minutes, funny part is that I write when I’m extremly sad and I’ve mentioned this hole every single time I held a pen to write. I do not want to see a professional, I don’t want to seem weak even if its the right thing to do.

    1. I feel your pain because I feel exactly the same…it was like reading something that I would have written any day this week. There’s this void inside me that I can’t rationalize it. Activities such as writing, cooking, drawing have given me certain peace; however, my self-destructive negative thoughts come hunting me again and I lose pleasure on performing them. What you said “I take fault for other people’s mistakes” really touched me! I come from a big family, have many siblings and their bad decision have ruined my inner peace…I keep telling myself what could I have done differently to prevent something or change the course of an event. I have been called perfectionist, haughty, cold, arrogant by family members and I don’t know why. The only thing I know is that I don’t need people around me and I desperately need them close! How can I rationalize what I have just said? But I reply to your comment because because I know you can get help. I am medicated, I feel better 80% of the time, another 10% I sabotage myself and feel miserable and the last 10% I feel numb, I dont feel anything at all, but I know within me that it will be better as the days, months, years go by. Surround yourself with a special person who doesnt judge you but listen to you, it could be a friend, parent, sibling, or therapist, one who doesnt talk too much or pretend to “fix” you but one who is extremely patient, intelligent and quiet. If you believe in God, pray, pray, pray, pour the content of your mind and heart to your Heavenly Father. Your feelings won’t disappear right away, you won’t hear an answer from Him right away but it is soothing knowing that He cares and promise to guard our hearts and mental powers. Don’t try to rationalize anything that you do, I have tried to do it unsuccessfully, it doesn’t deserve your energy. We are wired differently, our brains doesn’t function normally, there is an unbalance somewhere in our bodies, that doesn’t mean we are crazy, we are just different, once you accept it, I know that once I accepted it, it was easier to express myself, tell others what I was feeling inside without feeling ashamed. Some understand, some don’t, some will never do but let’s learn to not blame ourselves, it’s not easy, I struggle every single day, hour, minute, second of my life, I have wished to close my eyes forever but I respect this gift of life given to me, I may not want it but I have to make the best of it…I recently lost a friend to brain cancer, he fought to be alive till his last breath, every single day he was thankful for being alive, so when I hate my life, I think of him. If you ever try to harm yourself, pause and think on those who are dying and hang to their lives because of their loved ones. I’m rambling, sorry, it’s due to my condition, severe depression with anxiety. But my point is, there are many feeling the same even when we feel alone, we are loved even when we feel hated, we are needed even when we feel unwanted, we are not alone, you are not alone, I am not alone.

      1. That was so beautifully written. It truly touched my core. Right now my depression is making me feel so disconnected with the world. I’m like watching a movie on the TV and I’m not actually apart of it. Every now and again I will come up for air and think the depression has gone only to be kick again and fall into that dark bliss. I very much struggle with the idea that i should be able to pull my self out of this – it feels like its only an arm length away – happiness, but as i stick my arm out to grap it, it just edges slightly further

  296. im 15 and ive been suffering from depression for almost two years now. Im untreated because my parents believe that mental illness is not a “thing”. I’ve lost my passion for a lot of things, and i never feel like anythings worth being happy for. Like let’s say someone got me a gift, id feel “happy” for like ten minutes and then ill think back at that moment and feel like it was just a stupid meaningless thing. therefore i never ever experience real happiness. when i make plans with my friends, i never end up going because i wouldnt feel like seeing or meeting or talking to anyone. im always mad and my family pisses me off so much, the smallest things they do make me see red..I selfharmed twice, last year and this year and still, my mom did not feel the need to seek for help. I never feel good enough for anyone like i feel unable to do anything right, even the stupidest things

  297. I am 14 and I think I might be depressed. One if the main problems I have is that I feel like there is no reason to go on but I know that their is so much I can do with do with my life but at the same time it seems useless. I cry myself to sleep and fake being sick most days to get out of going to school as I feel like there is no reason. It takes so much effort just to get up and get through the day and usually I just lie in bed and don’t get up. I don’t know if I am over reacting and just seeking attention or if I really should get help. I feel like I’m separated from my life by a bubble and I feel like I don’t belong.

    Maybe I am just over reacting, maybe it is just what teenagers go through or maybe there really is something wrong with me. I don’t know.

  298. I’m 23 years old and My depression has gotten worse and worse.. I use to be able to some what control it by thinking about positive things and keeping my mind busy with friends.. But for about 8 months now I have felt like everyday is a struggle. I have no motivation to do anything, I have no confidence in myself, and I constantly feel like I’m digging a deeper and deeper hole and slowly not being able to breath.. I feel so worthless.. I can’t ever finish anything that I start.. I always think people are constantly judging me and even with my family members I feel insecure.. I know I need to seek for help, because no one deserves to feel this way.. I hope all of us who deal with this can one day overcome it.. Because it does SUCK. It’s eating me alive.

  299. I lose I very big amount of my bestest friend it started out when I lose one fine then two okay but when I lose my BFF forever I loved it hurt me very bad. It start just today and I’m crying about everything bad to worst. I feel like I’m lost in world I cried for 4 hrs staright listening to very sad music and I’m still I’m just looking at are photos together. she unfriended me on everything she idk I think I got to her cause I got her mad cause I was mad and sad. I rub my skin for punishment and scratching at my skin with a pencil saying bad. I’m very sad idk if I going to lose her or everyone forever I feel broken like I can do better but can’t. I need help.

  300. Im 13 years old. Far to young to be feeling this way about life. I suck. I suck. I get happy suddenly then I get sad an instant later. Why can’t I stay happy? Why can’t I be normal. It’s not anybody’s fault but mine. My standards for myself are set so high, as soon as I achive something just by mere luck, I set them
    Higher. And it hurts that I can’t achive anything with skill or just with brainpower. Luck, luck, luck. Nobody believes me. Everyone hates me. I hate myself. I hate the world. It’s not anyone but my fault. Im not going to go off blaming other people. I can’t, if someone feels sad it’s my responsibility to help them. If someone did something bad, I step up in their place. Why let people that matter suffer. When a person that doesn’t matter is standing right there.
    When people say “just be happy” it ticks me off.. You can’t just “be happy” you can’t just forget everything and let it slide. It’s not their fault for saying that, they don’t have what I do. It’s my fault for being so selfish to even blame them. Im not good enough, im not good enough, im not good enough, I can’t do anything right.

    What made
    Me the target?

  301. I’m sad, I don’t know what to do. Sometimes im extremely happy and in an instant im extremely sad. i’m not good enough. I suck. I can’t do anything right in my life. I can’t be who im expected to be in my head and that just hurts. My expectations get higher as I achive stuff only on mere luck. I never stop pushing myself. I try to be social and outgoing and positive but it never happens, and when it does i find a reason for it to be sad. When something happy happens I think back and reflect on the sad things. I never flip out at anyone, it’s not their fault. Im the only one that’s doing this to myself. It’s not their fault. It’s nobodys fault. It’s my fault.
    I can’t get out of bed in the morning. After a 12 hour nap im still tired.
    everyday its like holding a knife to my throught. I shouldent be feeling this at my age. But I am. And so are you. I’ve never had any suicidle thoughts. I can’t have those.. It would hurt the people that love me too much. I take fault for other people’s mistakes because I feel bad.
    When I try to tell people how I feel they ignore me and say it’s just a 1 day thing and you just have to “be happy”. But yknow what. It’s not that easy… It’s not their fault for saying that, they don’t know how I feel. I can’t blame something on someone else. It’s mentally impossible. It’s my fault.

    1. I feel your pain friend. Your experiences are similar to how my illness started and has progressed Much worse over 10 years now.
      I wish you some happiness and peace of mind.

  302. My dad cheated on my mother and they are now divorced. My dad is married to yhe woman as of about 2 weeks ago. It’s been very hard for me. Usually I am a very happy person! I always smile and im always joking and laughing. But here lately it’s been hard to even smile. I can’t control my thoughts about these awful things and almost every night I have these horrible panic attacks where I can’t breathe or talk I just cry. My mom (who struggles with anxity) does not know what to do. I’ve asked to get help but she always says just take a IV prophen or Motrin. They don’t help. I don’t know what to do anymore. And Heaven looks better and better each day.

  303. I’m not really sure if it could be classified as actual depression but some of those symptoms do apply to my situation, and sometimes I do cry for no reason and things that are very small, such as maybe a commercial, make me cry and bawl my eyes out. Sometimes I feel and question all the decisions I have made my entire life and wonder wether it was the wrong one or not and sometimes there’s periods when,out of nowhere, I just think that everything and everyone will be better off if I wasn’t there. Of course I think of my family and how they would feel but that thought just takes over sometimes and there’s no stopping it. I do not cry every night, but when I do cry I feel like it will never end and recently I do feel very empty as if I was just a body filled with nothing but air and I am just a wasting space that could be taken by someone who feels and knows that they have a purpose. I am not sad all the time, I am happy a lot of days but nonetheless that hint of doubt and anxiety and sadness are always there on the corners of my mind waiting for the perfect time to take over.

  304. I don’t know if I’m depressed or not. I’m not happy, but I don’t know if its my mind or I’m just…living my life wrong.

    I suppose it can’t be, I mean, I just graduated with a first class honours degree, I live in a nice house with a family who loves me and I love them, plus my two dogs who I adore. I’ve got a boyfriend, a part-time job and an internship at a magazine that I got into as soon as I left university.

    I just find it so hard to get out of bed in the morning when all I want to do is curl up underneath it and hide from the world. I keep thinking about how I want to run away to some remote place where I don’t have to deal with life anymore. Sometimes, at the start of the day I think to myself “just get today over with and you’ll be one more day closer to the day you die.”

    I hate these thoughts. I hate my attitude. I hate how every morning feels like a hand closed around my throat.

    I don’t feel like I’m living. I feel like I’m waiting to be saved from having to live.

  305. I am comforted that I found this website. I had no idea that so many other people feel the same way I do, some of the comments list things exactly how I feel. I am sad that so many other people feel as bad as I do. But misery loves company I suppose. I realized that I was depressed when I woke up at 3PM one day. I never get up past the “crack of noon” on most days because I work evenings. I used to love working the evening shift (for me it’s 3pm to 1:30am) but now I hate it and I get nothing accomplished on my days off and then feel totally guilty and then wind up going back to sleep in front of the tv, on the couch, with all the blinds drawn, on a sunny beautiful day when I normally I would be walking the dog or going on a road trip. I have lost interest in everything. I used to devour books. Now it takes me months to read a 200 page novel that should have taken me hours. The other night I ordered a pizza from my favorite pizzeria, normally I would have devoured half of it, but this time, after two slices, I found it tasteless and gross. I used to love hanging out with family and friends but now I just want to be left alone and cringe at the thought of being around other people and totally dread going to work. I’ve also developed a horrible case of “road rage” where I scream and rage inside my car when another driver does some stupid but innocuous move. I’m a Leo and shouldn’t be this way but I just feel so awful. I don’t want to take pills and I fear doctors because I don’t think those things really do any good. I feel that my life is falling apart and I am helpless to stop it.

  306. First I want to say sorry to all of you. Im sorry for those of you depressed. Im sorry life hurts good people. Im sorry there is so much ugliness and hate in the world. I wish I could help all of you and make you all feel better and happy again..I also have problems with anxiety and depression I think I’m possibly bipolar. I dont like going anywhere so people wont look at me. I feel ignored within my family . I grew up with drug addicts for parents. I grew up not learning self esteem and how to love myself.. I think I need to work on those things but, some days its just hard …sometimes it feels easier if I gave up on everything. I can’t let my daughter get hurt by my depression though. I try to hide it from everyone. It hurts .I feel alone.

  307. Imagine your drowning. You can’t breathe. You’re swimming to the top just to get a breathe of fresh air, but you can’t. You look at your feet and there’s and anchor tied around your ankle, as it pulls you deeper with every negative thought. The deeper you go the darker it get’s, until you are completely surrounded by the dark depths of the nothingness. You can’t move. You can’t breathe. You don’t even know how you ended up there. You feel so alone. You try so hard to swim to the top but it feels like the weight of the world is on you. The only that keeps you going is the memories of when life was good, when it felt like you had no worries.

    I’ve been depressed for 3 years now, but this year feels different. I feel so hopeless. Like a fish trying to clime a tree. I have no interest in doing anything that use to make me happy. Everything just seems so dull. I sometimes wonder why i was even born if it was just to suffer. I constantly get into fights with my loved ones and it makes me so sad.

    I’m happy to at least say that these past couple weeks i have really been trying and i feel as if it’s working. I talk to people more about my feelings even if i feel like they are annoyed. Music sounds better. Food taste better. Everything seems better. It’s so hard but I’m making progress. I’m so grateful that i have my mom in my life. I don’t know what i would do without her. She stays by side all the time. It makes me want to do better for myself. Some days i still feel very depressed, but i won’t give in. Not ever. I’m going to fight this demon inside me, even if i die trying. There’s so much better things in life to do then being sad all the time. I don’t want to be the person i was before. I want to be better. No, I will be better.

  308. i used to be full of energy. i used to be bright and i’d always pride myself on how much hope i had. i used to dance around my room blasting music at 3 am and i used to love drawing and writing. i was the most confident person i knew and my self-esteem was through the roof.

    i now feel like doing art is pointless – a waste of time. i can no longer write as i hate everything that i come up with and doubt my work far too often. i’m always tired and i go to sleep at around 4-6 am and do not get up until well into the afternoon.

    eating my favourite meal feels boring. i still listen to music, but end up turning it off out of some irrational frustration i always get while it’s on. leaving the house, let alone my bedroom is rare. all my thoughts consist of things i’ve done to embarress myself. i worry constantly, and bury myself in the negative aspects of my past. i try force myself onto a happy train of thought and five minutes later i’m back to loathing myself and every choice i’ve ever made. sometimes i’ll have moments of clarity – and i feel like my old self, but it only crumbles around me hours later as i cry myself to sleep.

    i no longer care about my appearence. i’m an attractive girl but i couldn’t care less, and i never make an effort to get dressed or to put make-up on. i’m losing an unhealthy amount of weight because it’s impossible for me to eat.

    i feel like a burden to everybody, and keep cutting myself off from people i care about. sometimes i’ll be feeling fine, even confident – but if someone says something to me that hurts even the slightest bit then i’ll have to try my hardest not to tear up and all i will be able to do for the rest of the day is think about it.

    i used to daydream about my future and all my the things i want to accomplish but now i just dread having to waste another day of my life unable to do anything. suicide is not something i think about often, but when i do my mind falls into a hole that i feel i’ll never escape.

    i have not been diagnosed with depression, but from what i believe – it is something i have fallen victim to. forcing myself to feel happy while having a particularly bad episode is the hardest thing i’ve ever tried to do.

    i think the worst symptom i have is feeling guilty about everything. even existing.

    1. It’s like reading my own thoughts if I could concentrate for more than 10 minutes and write it down. I dont know if its comforting to know that there are more people dealing with these feelings or just plain terrible because you know that someone feels like this. When I read these stories I do feel slightly better and slightly terriffied because you here people battling with thiis for years.

      God just 10 months ago I was happy, full of life, full of dreams. I am so young but i dont think i can do this anymore. I love life . Other’s people lives at least now. And if i cant live the life as i used to, as I think everyone should, to the fullest, i dont think it is worth to live it at all. Im already becoming a burdain to people around me. I hate that my family has to look at me like this. I never thought i will end like this. i thought i will have a wonderful life. i used to enjoy in everything, sunrise, smell of coffee in the morning, good music, smell nd sound of rain. now i just sit in my home and hate myself. I want to go away but I love my family. god , im too young to do this

  309. “finding God” ?? that is your advice ??? honestly, you have no idea how much I want to fucking hate you right now …

  310. hi their its` very deprested with nothing to do dureing the day time as liverpool is not avery good council at all and does c`ater at all for people who have asberges syn drome as people and their are 95 oooo people in the uk with out any support at all just l left at home to do all day and does not helpyou at all and not good if you do nt meet the critria for servces and under the white paper evauling peoople 21st century at all as they have cut all the day care servces down and its niot good with nothing to do all day at all and when you have hjad acommnity care asement off your jneeds dione you dont qualify fior acommnitry care assement off your needs at all as well iot does causze you to have deprestion and very un well from dave 5 walton breck road walton l40rb

  311. I connect most strongly with what Chelle said, and borrowed some of her words.
    I have felt depressed for as long as I can remember – it’s the norm. I’m functional for the most part, its more routine than anything. I have a good job, and have had promotions over the years, I make a good living (double the median income for my city) and have my own house but beyond that my life is empty. I accomplish those things primarily because otherwise I would live on the street – never married, no kids, nowhere else to land but what I provide for myself. That’s all that gets me out of bed and out the door in the morning. On weekends sometimes I can’t even get myself to leave the house.
    I’m very good at what I do but I have hit a glass ceiling because I sabotage myself. People tell me how good I am but I always feel like they are saying that just so I will continue to take care of things for them and go beyond. I’m a workhorse. I’m overweight, and I’m starving all the time, and I totally “get” that it’s not food I’m hungry for, but hormonally I can’t resist. Now my weight has become part of my shield to keep me invisible and “safe” from scary attention. I haven’t dated in over 20 years. I’m sometimes terribly lonely, but I don’t do anything about it and most of the time I tell myself I don’t want others around because I need “down time” but I’ve had 30 years of down time. When I do go out with others, I feel so uncomfortable and like a 3rd wheel. I have no stories to tell about good things going on in my life. People say nice things about me, but I can’t internalize any of that, I shrug it off. Most of the time I just don’t show up to things I’m invited to because I can’t get myself to go or I get so sad or teary about going or how awful I look and that I have nothing to contribute.
    I have no goals and no drive to change things, and I am scared that things will never get better. I keep saying that I can’t live like this anymore, but I’m more afraid of the truth, which is that I could very well go on and on like this for the rest of my life. I frequently think of the expression “keep on doing what you always do and you’ll keep on getting what you always get” but I don’t know how to break the cycle. Even writing this, there were a couple of times I got teary-eyed but mostly I feel nothing.

  312. It’s like being really numb. I’ve been in and out of self diagnosed depression for about 5 years now, with some stable years in the middle, which now when I think about weren’t necessarily “stable” but just better tHan a depressive state which is making me wonder if maybe it’s manic depression.

    But then.. ive been on a downward spiral since about 10months. I was holding on by a last thread, but when I lost that relationship, it became a lot harder to hold on and I hit sudden crash. It feels like nothing is right. Nothing can become right because there are no options left. I feel numb to everything. I wake up too early but can’t leave bed because. .. what then? Everything hurts. All the time. There is either too mcuh fear in life or no fear at all, neither of which feels okay but then nothing has felt okay. It’s only felt less and less okay with time.
    I don’t feel as hopeless this time because I was saved last time, by love. And I rembr that. And I hope I never forget. That this is just temporary. And we must wait it out.

  313. Hi,
    I am in love with a guy who is my collage friend. He is very nice,caring and loving person. I recently told my parenta about my love. They told me that he is a very nice guy but they will not agree for our wedding as he belongs to a different caste.my father also told me that I will have to choose between my parents or my love as he cannot face the society if I marry a person from a different caste person. I am in love from past four years and cannot leave him and also cannot leave my parents as I like them very much and also they are old. I cannot even imagine a different person as my husband. I feel do depressed and lost interst in life. Started crying for all small things. Please help me.

    1. Hey, I am really sorry to hear about your problems, sometimes it seems like life throws impossible choices at us. I am only 14 and can’t completely relate, as I won’t pretend to. But I want to encourage you as best as I can. Have you told this guy how you feel? because there is nothing worse then feeling alone in a situation. I want you to know that I will be praying for you. and I truly hope that things work out, Just please know you are NEVER alone. Keep holding on <3

    2. I am sorry you are going through this….but I really don’t think your parents should do this to you… Looks like they would want you to be happy. If it were me I’d tell my parents to “cya” ….that’s just wrong!

  314. I’ve had depression and anxiety since I was a teenager; I’m 45. I made bad decisions by resorting to drugs and alcohol for relief. I managed to become outwardly successful with a professional career and financial security. The fact that I was so unhappy despite all of that baffled my family and friends. I felt like I faked my way to any accomplishment. I envied every person I saw at a store or any place, because I felt that they were happier than me; I still do. In these comments, there is a theme of loss, because that’s all depression will allow me to see…loss. I feel it viscerally. Dull ache in my head, tightness in my chest, a fullness in my throat, and a dull pain in my stomach; none so bad to indicate a real ailment, but enough to make me aware that I don’t feel “right.” I used substances, even those I didn’t enjoy, because I wanted to feel anything else than depressed. Of course that just put me on an endless cycle of more grief, guilt, and shame. In 3 years, I’ve lost my job,marriage,home, and most of my financial security. Truth be told, depression clouds my thoughts at recovering some of those losses, because I feel that all that awaits me is more depression. I’m on meds and they help to an extent, but I certainly feel no joy and excitement. I’m clean and sober for 2 years and today, have no desire to go back. No matter how much I change the outside, my insides feel sad and empty much of the time. If I didn’t have 2 great kids, I would have already jumped off the nearest tall bridge
    I relate to some if not all the feelings expressed here, no matter the differences in age and circumstance. I just go on minute to minute, day to day, hoping things my mood improves. Thanks for reading and I hope for better things for you…and myself.

  315. I feel like no one loves me. I feel like tears is d only option to communication. I just wanna be alone. I just feel life isn’t treating me right! it makes me more sad when I see people happy. I have dreams and aspirations Buh my depression is killing it little by little till I am l left with nothing.

  316. I’m 33 and my first real serious girlfriend left me in february after we moved in together a couple of months before. I never imagined this would happen, we were not fighting… I had my vices that I should have stopped but I thought she would complain upfront if it was becoming a problem.

    I’ve also been dealing with chronic pain for a long while that seemed to go away when I take anti-depressants, but I never saw myself as dealing with depression per say. But now since the breakup, I don’t function anymore. My mind is blank, I lost all hope. I don’t know what to do with myself, I don’t smile, I can’t sleep, I don’t really want to eat most times. Lost 35 pounds since february. I think about suicide everyday I feel it’s the only solution because I don’t see at all how I’ll ever be able to be somewhat me again, be able to work and maybe possibly meet someone again because right now I just look like a nutcase.

    I never read about depression before and I always thought it was just being sad for a little while. Boy was I wrong, it’s the worst thing I’ve ever experienced. The hopelessness, the anxiety. Yesterday I was with good friends and I just could not bare being around them, I had to leave. I feel bad no matter where I am. Days lasts forever, nights even longer because unless I take meds I can’t sleep.

    What a nightmare of a disease. I’m still unsure I’ll make it through. I’m on work leave and I feel like I’m just spending my days slowly building the willpower to off myself because the pain is just too much.

    That’s what depression feels like for me.

    1. Hi Patrick,
      I’ve struggled with anxiety and depression for quite some time now and even though it wasn’t triggered the same, I just want you to know that I know how you feel. I have to tell you that taking time off to be sad is the worst thing for you. I know how hard it is to get out of bed in the morning when you feel like there’s no point but I promise you that if you are consistent it does get better. I am speaking from experience and I made the mistake of holing myself up in my room and it made everything worse. The relationship ending is always hard, but you will find someone else in time. Give yourself time to recover. Right now you don’t need to be thinking about who will be next, just focus on you. Get out of bed in the morning and have a nice meal and then try to go on a walk to appreciate the outdoors. You can also try exercise, for me it helped immensely. Lastly, I will say that you should never consider offing yourself when you can find so much to live for. Right now it seems like there’s nothing but sometimes in life if we don’t have a purpose or feel like we don’t have a purpose, we need to make one for ourselves. Focus on hobbies or things of that nature. I know you can do it and I wish you good luck.

  317. I have had depression since I was twelve, and honestly it’s like I am unimportant and meaningless to society, and my death would mean nothing. I have attempted suicide once, but I never will again- no matter how hard it gets. I just wish I could see the light at the end of the tunnel, but I’m slipping down the hole depression is more and more everyday.

  318. Well reading all these comments made me feel worse. I have been struggling with anxiety and fear for 6 months and I guess I’m also depressed. I can completely identify with feelings of hopelessness and not wanna to go on.the only thing that gives me a little hope is my relationship with Jesus christ. I pray everyday for him to free me from this and in my heart I believe he will. I always felt since I’m Christian I shouldn’t be feeling. Like there is no hope. God allows everything for a reason and hope soon I will find that reason. God bless you all

  319. I’m 20 & have been denying that I’ve been in depression for months.
    Happiness does not exist. There is no hope. I don’t eat enough. Very few things get me through the days but the urge to commit grows stronger day by day.
    I have no tolerance anymore. Crying is just a normal reaction to everything now. Escaping in any form helps.
    The depression is weighing me down. I feel extremely awkward trying to give a polite smile to anyone as it takes even more effort to do that.
    I don’t know what to do anymore.

  320. Im a twenty two year old female. I have always had issues with anxiety which triggers my depression. Im very spiritual and also into science. Or so I thought. This summer i started delving into learning and usually i love learning. Until may of this year i should say. I have become terrified. Completely terrified of learning and i find myself worrying so much about the world, whats going on, and how i have no control. i dont live anymore I worry. I dont feel anymore i worry. My emotions are numb, my extremities are numb, i have an extreme battle going on in my head, ever since i looked into religion. I wasnt raised with it and have always just followed a good code of morals On my own, nobodys perfect but generally, im a good person. It wasnt until i thought it was time to start learning about spiritualy that i started to doubt myself. Now i cant stop thinking about all this crazy shi* about afterlife, doomsday, what we are doing to the planet, prophecies,death, despair, god, jesus, right, wrong, heaven, hell, universe. It sucks. I have so much anxiety that i dont even feel human anymore. I dont even feel like i exist. i have no interest in whats going on right in front of me Anymore. Im constantly worried. I dont feel suicidal, just horrible. I dont enjoy tv, learning, taking walks, cooking, reading, sex, conversations, shopping, cleaning, my art, my friends, im distant from everyone, all things i know i love. It seems like love has left the building. Stretching in the morning doesnt feel good. I cant sleep well, my brain feels weird, fuzzy and distant. Ive lost most faith. And i find myself missing enjoyment, in the slightest. is it time to seek help? Im aftaid medication will have negative affects. I feel alone. i want my life back.

  321. is remarkable that reading all these comments and knowing that I’m not alone still doesn’t make me feel better. Actually I am alone. Never been married. Relationships seem so irrational an impossible. People do all these horrible things to one another and yet they go on so arrogantly. All you here out of people to day is that its never their fault. I don’t care so much I agree even if I don’t believe them. Now I’m a liar because I’ll lie to get people to leave me alone. I’m so sad I have this beautiful friend on four legs and he’s getting old. I pet him and act joyous though I don’t feel it anymore but I’m thankful that is what he believes. I love my friend. I pretend to be happy around people not just because I don’t want them to think there is something wrong with me but because I really don’t want to afflict them with me. I attend my hobby’s discipline but I don’t feel joy doing them anymore I might gettuh kick from adrenaline but the best thing about them is they divert my attention and the greatest thing is how some people are so happy just to watch me fly my planes and helicopters. My boss is a narcissist with a histrionic complex and OCD. Sometimes we think he takes aderall for an edge. I don’t know why he hangs on to me I would have fired me a long time ago. Of course it would probably be the best thing or quit but I have no skills. And why would I want to work for another guy it may be another rotten banana but they all taste the same. I often wonder why it seems I’m the only one that notices that in america the currency is not the dollar but other peoples self esteem. That’s why our country is so full of bullies and braggarts. I’m not jealous at one time I may have wanted that kind of stuff but that was before I noticed what a trap it is. And just why is it people have bought into this idea of the American Dream. Its nothing but a turd painted gold and dangled in front of people. Then all they have to do is convince you aren’t a whole person unless you have one. And people are buying all these lies. It is sad the american dream isn’t being at least content and having the empathy to hope the same for everyone. And the bigotry! Hate may be slowly being bled out of race but its moved on to junk like iphones or what car you drive or music you listen to. Everyone has lost the ability to think like the following; “That guy is listening to music and singing to it. I HATE that music. But he is enjoying it and for that I’m happy.”. Oh could I go on and I even wonder after having given up on praying because little by little you ask God can’t you just tell me you love me? And he doesn’t. Then you tell others about how you feel and they give you all this bs about how you must have done something wrong. Or you don’t want to hear the words. Or you’ve asked for something you don’t deserve where why who cares I think anyone could tolerate anything if they just heard God saying I love you. And then it gets worse because your not jealous, but you wonder how this jerk is giving you pious answers is God seriously telling him that he loves him but not me. And they get so mad because it doesn’t work you something is wrong. HAH no. I just was waiting for an answer from a God that I believe can stand on his own to feet and not have his words conveyed to me by bigot. J don’t know why but this helped a little.

  322. I feel so depressed right now after high school, I just wish there was somebody saving me from this prison state I am having in the school I am studying now.

  323. I just graduated from high school and am extremely depressed. I’ve felt this way for about 3 or 4 years. High school sucks in general but depression makes it even worse.
    In the eighth grade I was the happiest kid. I was dating the hottest girl in my school, star basketball player and a likable kid. My freshman year I got benched in basketball and became minutely depressed. I still interacted with my friends and was “normal”.. I moved after my freshman year to a small school and became even more depressed. About a year after I moved my brother died of a drug overdose. This was the event that sent me into a clinical depression. The thing about depression is people try to understand why you act the way you do. It’s a frustrating process for me. It’s like I’ve been robbed of the awesome and likable person I was. The school I graduated from, nobody liked me. I had no close friends and I was miserable. Even my old friends I could trust with my life don’t feel close anymore. When I’m with my friends, I mostly wander in my mind which messes up my social skills. People who only know the depressed version of me believe I’m an awkward or cocky person. I rarely feel like talking or interacting with people. Friends come over and I feel like not talking but I start to talk because I feel uncomfortable and it makes things awkward. Nobody ever reaches out to me to hang out like they used to. No matter what made me depressed, I don’t care. Nobody should have to feel this way.

  324. I feel bad commenting on here, but most people don’t understand. I hope I don’t discourage all these younger people on here from trying for help.

    I’m 50 years old this year, and have felt depressed for as long as I can remember. I’ve taken med after med, and they all stop working. I’m functional for the most part, but I don’t know how. I wish I could just get so bad that I can’t get out of bed, but my responsibilities force me out the door in the morning.

    I feel like a fake at work; people tell me I’m good at it, but I always feel stupid, and am waiting to get outed as such. I’m overweight, and I’m starving all the time, and I totally “get” that it’s not food I’m hungry for, but that’s what’s there. I’m so terribly lonely, but I don’t do anything about it. When I do go out with people, I feel so uncomfortable inside myself that I’m sure I turn people off. People say nice things about me, but I can’t internalize any of that.

    I live with a partner that I don’t love anymore, but I can’t leave him because he’s all I have. He’s the only “family” I have. I can’t find anyone else because I’m still here, and I don’t deserve better anyway. I can’t watch many TV shows and movies because I can’t stand to see them feeling passion, and I know that I never will.

    I feel completely hopeless and that I can’t be “fixed”. I feel that things will never get better. I feel like I’m going crazy. I keep saying that I can’t live like this anymore, but I’m more afraid of the truth, which is that I could very well go on and on like this for the rest of my life.

    1. So I read your comment and it sounds like you might want to be tested for thyroid disorder. If you are depressed and overweight, something may be wrong with your thyroid. Get your doctor to send you to an endocrinologist and have the thyroid tested. Sometimes madness begins in the neck. I have been depressed and less depressed and guess what? It has everything to do with my thyroid disease.

    2. I appreciated reading what you had to say, Chelle. I, too, am 50 years old and I’ve taken pretty much all of the antidepressants at one time or another, and like you, they all stopped working eventually. I sometimes worry that taking all of those medications over the years may have done more harm than good.

      I’ve started seeing a new psychologist, and I’m going to start seeing a new psychiatrist soon, and maybe those will help. I’m not confident, but at this point I’m willing to give it a try.

      I quite unexpectedly had a mild stroke last year. The doctors never could find a good explanation for it. The lingering physical effects are mild, but the psycho-emotional effects are still strong. The year since the stroke has been a gradual spiral down into probably the worst extended depression I’ve had (and I’ve had some bad ones). I’ve also been having increasingly heavy anxiety.

      I don’t have a partner… I’ve been single for about 13 years now, and I worry about growing old alone. I’m 50 and single and depressed and I’ve had a stroke…not exactly a prize catch! I know that feeling about not wanting to watch TV or movies and seeing couples who have passion and love, because I’m afraid it’s something I’ll never have again.

      So what does depression feel like? It feels lonely, and it feels hopeless. It makes it impossible for me to see anything good about myself or accept anything good that anyone says about me. It feels like every decision I make is the wrong one. It feels like every decision I’ve already made has been the wrong one and that I’ve ruined my life. It makes me feel trapped in my current (unhappy and unsatisfying) circumstances. There’s almost nothing in life that brings me any joy. Every day feels like a chore. And most of the time depression makes me feel like I just want to retreat to my bed, crawl under the covers, and be unconscious.

  325. I am older than most here, 59. Dread my 60th, as I feel I have gotten nowhere and done nothing with my life, despite considerable effort and therapy on and off since I was a teenager. Never married, no kids, unemployed. Don’t want to live the rest of my life like this but hopeless it will get better. In the past, I’ve staved off this feeling by having “a plan” — different job, different city, back to school, etc. Today I feel like I’ve tried it all and have no plan.

    If you say you are suicidal, you can get immediate help, often for free. But if you say you feel absolutely terrible about yourself and have no hope for the future, you’re told “Sorry, I’m not taking new clients” or “That will be $180 an hour.” The only comfort is that on some level, I know it’s a disease, and as such, is treatable.

  326. Ive been depressed for months now on and off for years… i don’t want to go into my symptoms or how i feel, i just wanted to tell you guys and gals that may be reading this not to give up hope , keep fighting to the next day… i know that doesn’t seem possible ive told myself a thousand times ” how much longer until the fight is kicked out of me” but im in this game called life and im going to finish it, ive thought about suicide alot… and in the end i tell it too F**k off i wont go that way i will finish the game . dont give up , find something to live for , help those get past what you are going through. ill carry this cross i bear on my back and ill help anyone along the way who feels the same way . dont give up dont let depression win and take your life. finish the game , for you , for your family , for your children, and for your future self. you were made to be happy and you deserve happiness.

  327. I am only a teenager (15), so most people don’t take me seriously. I started hysterically crying after reading the first symptom, and it was for no apparent reason. I’m always on the verge of tears and my tongue’s always bleeding from biting it to keep the tears from slipping out. I cry myself to sleep every night just to get everything out, but it feels like I’m a glass case filled with nothing but tears, because after I cry at night, I just feel completely empty. I have homicidal and suicidal idealization a lot out of nowhere, but once again, no one takes me seriously. They all think it’s adolescent anger. My mom and psychiatrist blame my severe ADD and ADHD for depression and anxiety and anger because “I don’t know how to process my feelings”. But that’s not it. Because of the ADHD I can’t get the words out to tell them my feelings, so that’s why they don’t get it. I’m physically unable to tell stories or recall memories out loud, and most of the time in my head, so how am I supposed to tell people how I truly feel? That’s the thing. I can’t. I feel like I shall forever live unheard and unnoticed.

    1. I know that feeling and I’m surprise that someone at my age also experience this feelings. I never told my parents about this though. Me crying every night to sleep. But I want you yo know that we need to be strong. Yes you may think I’m just someone who gives advices to help others but in reality we really are the people that needed help. There will always be someone out there for us. So I want to tell you you have been heard :’)

  328. I’m 18 and today I am supposed to graduate, but I don’t want to do anything. I just want to lay in bed and disappear. I once looked forward to escaping school, but now I just want to escape life. I often feel alone because no one understands why I can’t just snap out of it, or no one suspects I’m depressed. I don’t see what I can do to make myself happy again and I don’t see a future without depression. I’m scared that one day I will really kill myself.

    1. Jennifer–you are so young, and you have so much time and opportunity ahead of you. Please, PLEASE seek out some help. Just do it. Don’t think twice, just try it. Call a local helpline, look up a therapist and make an appointment. Just try. If it doesn’t work, then that’s one thing, but at least try. You can’t see it now, but there is so much out there, outside of where you are, and you can work and find a way towards it. If I could talk to the 18-year-old me from long ago, I would tell her the same.
      Take care of yourself. Someone cares.

    2. Hi I’m Ines and i’m only 12 yrs old but since yr 5 i have been feeling exactly like you have described . I don’t know if you get help but just being able relate to something that sort of describes how your feeling helps. I don’t want to get up in the morning i don’t want to even have to deal with this world anymore but i know that somebody out there wouldn’t want me to die so i keep going somehow – Ines

  329. I feel like I am guilty for everything, and like I don’t deserve anything because all this was my fault to begin with. I’m never happy. I’m always trying to put myself in situations that I think will make me feel happy. Even when I do, I become disinterested. I used to love learning but now I could really care less. I feel so lonely. No one to talk to, no one I want to talk to. I feel like my life’s going nowhere, I don’t have any hobbies or interests. I’m not ‘great’ at anything. It feels as if the weight of the world is on me. So much pressure on everything I must do right. I feel as if life is passing me by and sometimes I feel like I want to rewind time and go back to better happier days. When I see others happy and enjoying things in life it makes me feel sad sometimes. I become distant and uninterested in things that I may have once enjoyed. I don’t want to be around others very much. I have no energy to do the thing I once loved and go after the things I want in life. I am not good enough to get them anyway. I just want to be left alone. I can’t talk about my feelings, even when I want to. I feel completely uninteresting and boring most of the time, which probably contributes to why I have a strong urge to avoid being around people or avoid talking to them. Everything seems unfair and it feels like everyone I know doesn’t care about me at all. The negativity is endless and automatic. It’s like the default in my mind, I can’t control it. When I’m having all of these intense emotions it’s like the world is closing in on me – all of my problems, everything wrong with me and my life, is suffocating me. It’s so overwhelming and tiring. It makes everything seem so unmanageable and completely makes me feel like I have no motivation. Because it’s too hard. I can stare at a list of things I need to do and end up doing nothing. How can I be so lazy? How can I be so pathetic and useless? It is confusing and angering how I can do nothing all day long and can’t seem to will myself into doing what I should be doing. I’ve never really felt suicidal, not directly anyway. I do things that I know I shouldn’t that are destructive. Or I do things to temporarily distract me from how I feel. Because I don’t care, or because I’m desperate to not feel like complete shit for a little while. I subconsciously sabotage relationships. Maybe to justify how shitty I feel about myself and my life. I don’t know. It’s like in a sick twisted way, I’m trying to make my world around me suck just as bad as the world inside me does.

    1. Hey bud, I completely feel the same way, I loved life a few years ago and wish I could go back. Now I hardly leave my room, If you need some one to talk too, feel free to email me.

  330. -You feel as though everyone is playing your least favorite song. There is no hope your favorite song will ever play, and you don’t want to listen to the radio anymore for extreme fear that your least favorite song will play. Whenever you hear a song you tolerate, it slowly melts into your least favorite song. Every single time. Everyone is trying to play your favorite song for you so you cheer up, but you’ve decided to give up listening to music ever again.

  331. I am so depressed right now…. I’m so mad that I have anxiety and depression. It didn’t used to be this bad. I was once almost anxiety free… I remember those days. I would get anxiety about normal things, but I could handle it.. Like talking to people or doing presentations… I loved getting attention and was so confident. Now years later I gained almost 80 pounds… I am a wreck and I have no confidence what so ever. i can’t even get a job because as soon as I get an interview, I dont show up because I have so much anxiety and over think things. I do go to college, but I only like classes where I know I wont be pushed out of mt comfort zone. I tried taking a CNA program & I hd so much anxiety I had to stop taking it & i’m thinking about switching careers now because I dont like to be around people.. It causes anxiety. I have no friends. I used ti have many friends and had fun and was myself… Now whenever i’m with someone I have no idea what to say & I freeze and can’t be myself. When I talk to peoole I picutre myself as them and if they were looking at ne and listening to me and thinking I sound stupid then I forget what imm sayinf. Im slowly starting to lose myself. I have several job interviews, but I don’t think I can push myself to go to them then I feelike complete shit after I don’t reply back for a date to meet. People around me dont understand. I would love to go out and have a fun night or go to peoples houses, but I literally do not have the energy to do anything.. I’m tired all of the time. I feel like i’m not myself and why am I even living? I would never hurt myself, but mt feelings do get bad &. i have no idea what to do. I dont want to die, but these feelings are so much to handle. I hate this so much. I have been on two different medications and they so not help as much as they should. I smoke to keep my mind from wandering.. Which is something I never used to do. The thing that sucks is by me writing this it’s not gonna change things. It just helps in the moment & then i’ll probably go to sleep and convinxe myself to overcome my anxiety & then when I get pushed out of my comfort zone this will happen again. I feel like no one thinks like I do. I know i’m not the only one because I have read the other posts. I’m sorry this is a mess right now lol.

    1. Hey Kay – You have written the words as to how I think and feel. The only difference is that I’m stuck in a dead end job and I am so burned out – but cannot find a different job, plus I am scared to start over again with work. Did you ever receive a response about how to handle things? Hang in there. I know all days can’t be wonderful – I just wish there were a few days here and there that are – for you and me.

    2. I feel the same as you do. Sort of…removed. Like, my body is here, but my mind wanders…worries. I don’t feel happy. I feel very alone. I’m sorry you have to know this feeling….I’d wish it upon no one.

    3. I can understand exactly because I feel the same way too. I hope we can both heal and find joy in life once again.

  332. My whole life I worked hard and give it my all. I feel like all I worked so hard for has been taking from me. I’m at the bottom of the hill with no desire to go up to the top where everyone else is, I see them looking down and seeing me, and it hurts that no one what’s to come help me up. I feel like I’m just a problem to everyone I go around, like theirs no value in my well being. I could seat in one spot for weeks and not get one call to see how I em, no one well come check on me, I’m no one’s priority. When people do come around, it’s only to use or ask something of me. When I’m asked “how u doing” or “how’s it going” it gets so hard to speak I can’t say nothing for some seconds or mins, then when I finally could,I have a plain face and say “good” but really in side me, I just want to break down, cry my heart out, not because a complete stranger has asked but because someone close doesn’t care to ask me. I’m finding myself being sad and just wanting to sleep it all away more and more as the days go by. I’m missing the love.

  333. I have had depression for well over 5 years now and it’s all work related, I no longer have the drive when I wake up, can’t eat properly, always tired, so I know what most of you are going through.
    the feelings are just chronic, negative thoughts, feeling helpless to the rest of the world that I call “happy people”, I sit on my own most of the time thinking too much of negative things, nothing feels bright anymore, it’s like I’m on a desert island overlooking the rest of the world being happy, people’s conversations don’t interest me in the slightest and I can see it shows on people’s faces when the look at me, I’m looking into counselling to see if that helps because the meds are not working, keep going people because the light at the end of the tunnel will maybe be visible one day.

    1. I have suffered with depression since I was 12. It got worse from other tramas in my life, starting with the murder of my mother at,.multiple suicides,divorce,moving and abuse. I have been on different antidepressants over the years that have helped me to have good days for long periods of time but the sadness seems to still linger as I get older. I have been helped though by medication and talk therapy.

  334. I just want to say that i have seen doctors and im getting no where. This thing in my head just doesnt stop theres is nothing i can do about it. Now what i wanna ask is. This thing in my head is the worst feeling on this entire planet. I cant explain what it feels like but when it gets really crazy it is so hard to deal with and i just wanna jump out of my own body. Is this part of depression. I really need this to stop. Everyday is so hard. I wake up everyday with it feeling like utter crap. It doesnt stop and i cant even escape it for 1 secomd. Its excessively hard to get out of bed. I just dont want to do anything and when i do try and do something it aggrivates the feeling in my head. There has to be something to help me rite. I cant enjoy anything at all. For the last 4 years or so everyday has been a battle for me. And i also feel that the doctors dont understand what im saying and it really fustrates me cause i really need help. Even when i have an appointment to get help. I would rather just sleep and stay in bed. I have tryed to work and try and help my situation but whatever i have done nothing has helped and working was such a mission . So that thing in my head could it be cronic cronic depression. That thing in my head gets so crazy that alls i did was cry for half hour straight begging for it to go away.i use to also bash my head against the wall. Getting to sleep was so hard. Whats even worse is that i cant fully explain the very crazy bad unwanting feeling in my head. It is hard to do anything. Can someone please help. What i do know is that ounce this unwanted feeling is gone i will be perfect. Alls i ask is for my life back.

  335. Depression?
    Depression is when you rather sleep through a week than go to work because it’s difficult trying to make small talk with work mates.
    It’s when you wear the same bland clothing because your scared/nervous that the outfit you wanted to wear “isn’t right” (whatever right is).
    When the thoughts inside your head become so over powering that you make no physical actions.
    When you watch the thing you worried about place and worry more even though you didn’t/couldn’t do anything to stop it.
    Depression is like being trapped in a soundproof transparent box in the middle of a crowded city. People can see you, you can see them but it’s very difficult to communicate.

  336. I’ve been feeling like this on and off. Reading the comments alone make me cry, like it hits so close to home it brings me to tears. I wish I could lay here and my mind could numb out, just slowly fade to nothing so I won’t feel anymore . I feel lonelier by the day like I can’t express the pain the hurt and there’s bound to listen . Sometimes I feel I’m one of those people who weren’t ment to be on earth this long. I should have left it a long time ago and the longer I stay the more pain I feel. I’m one of those people who should have died out through natural selection and because I didn’t I don’t fit it and I hurt inside alone. I just want it to stop. I want to find a place where I can feel numb or feel nothing.

  337. I never considered myself as Depressed until recently a few years after reaching menopause.It seems the very life has now slowly drained out of me and I am a somewhat whiter shade of pale.Depression is what my husband suffered from..not me.Now he’s been having suicidal thoughts,but I was always coaching him and being his shinning tower of strength,but now things are different,vastly different and I’m having trouble coping on some days.I feel the bottom of my safety raft is falling out and there’s no net to catch me when I fall.No more straws to grasp onto as I find no leverage to get myself out of this darkness.My life has taken a turn fo r the worse as we are struggling financially since he lost his job a couple of years ago.Some days we go hungry and cannot afford to buy food or other basic things.He tries to supplement his meager income by singing outside a local health food store,he used to make good money at it till recently and some days he sings for hours to only make a few bucks.I try and make ends meet by selling my possessions on E-Bay and today two sales which I depended on to buy some necessities fell thru.Some guy placed a hold on my paypal account because the postal clerk put the wrong tracking number into the system.He wouldn’t give back the $11.00 for the item I sold to him and which I spent time and money to ship.I put alot of time and attention into the package, lovingly wrapping it securely and making sure everything was alright.It’s funny how the small things tend to break you whenever you’re already feeling down.I have no income other than e-bay and cannot get disability since they denied my claim back in the 90’s.We are one small step away from being homeless and I suffer from health problems and have multiple chemical sensitivities.I have no real friends outside of the Internet since I don’t get out much to meet anyone.I reached out to a former neighbor who turned out to be a deceitful nightmare who made my life a living hell with all of her noise and personal insults..Thank God she has moved out,but now I’ve lost hope in all humanity because of what happened with her and will never again trust anyone else like that..Today was especially bad as I felt so low,I couldn’t eat or barely drink any fluids.The worst part about all of this is my faith in God has been shattered.The faith that had once sustained me in hard times,is not working anymore and it seems God has either died or has forsaken me.What have I done to deserve this?I have to ask myself.

  338. I am 17 years old and I am self diagnosing myself with depression. I know my reasons may not be “good enough” for some people, but I ache. Recently, I had my heart broken. This boy was unlike any other, we just clicked, and we were so perfect together. He’s going away to college in August and he decided he would end the relationship now before he ruined it later on. I was falling in love with him, everything was so bright and happy, now even the stars seem to lose their glow. Today it was 90+ degrees outsiders sunny, yet it couldn’t have seemed darker. This has been one of the hardest situations I have been in. I have been depressed once before when my closest cousin died, and the feeling remains. I feel as though my heart has been broken into a million plus pieces and I can’t recover them. My trust, which used to be a sturdy wall, has been broken and is nothing more than a pile of rocks. I feel empty inside. I feel lost and I can’t seem to find anyone to talk to about this, because I can’t seem to find the words for how I feel. I just wish there was an easy way out of feeling like this.

    1. Hi sweetheart what you need is a big hug and lots of care. Do your parents show you compassion and kindness? I hope you realise that this feeling will go away and life is not all about love and boy’s. You need to live for you really think about what you love doing singing music join a music group. Go to music and dance festivals learn to dance well.
      I have found music is a great source of release from depression and feeling low. Once you get with a group of people that like the same things as you, it makes you feel assured that life Is worth living and you can feel happy again. It does not just take a boyfriend to make you feel like that. My daughter has twitter and is in a fandom for demi lovato and cimorelli and she has met some wonderful girlfriends through this.There arenice people out there and you are so young your feelings will get hurt in life, you have just got to realise that some people are not as intelligent as you and can be quite thick. This boy sounds like he is very immature and not brought up in the correct manner to treat a girl right. Hold your head up high, pamper yourself get a new outfit and tell someone, who is good at putting their arm round you how you feel and I promise you you will feel better lots of love and hugs to you xxx

      1. I don’t feel as though I wasn’t too die, I just harm myself in other ways. I know I love my man and my kids. Their not his and I wish they were. I had a lot of messed up things that happened to me almost all of my life. I have a fake smile and try to keep my spirit up. It’s hard, I listen to all music and nothing seams to help. I’m not asking for help just getting it off my chest. I’ve been beaten when I was a kid, my real dad rapped me, and beaten by an ex of seven years. He put me in jail and gotten me for domestic violence. I feel as though no matter how much I try I’m still not doing anything right. I spent a hundred bucks on my clothes and I get plenty of love from my man. I can’t remember what I just did five seconds ago. This is hurting me a lot. I don’t want this life for my kids and I really don’t want my kids to see me like this. I do for everyone to keep them happy and it makes me happy to do it. Yet, at the end of it all I still ask myself so many questions. I’m still young just wish things in life wasn’t this bad. Depression isn’t a good thing and you always have to remember, life is what you make it, what ever happened you can’t take it away and it wasn’t your fault, their are people that have it worse than others. I never met my brother and he just turned seven and I haven’t seen my sister since she was seven and she is eighteen now. I’ve talked to people about my problems and didn’t help. What did is remembering the best times I’ve had, I’m better than the people that done me wrong, I will be better than them, I turned my life around. I don’t let no one run my life but me and my two kids. I will make sure my kids have a better life than me. Life is to short to be depressed, live it to the fullest. Life is what you make it so make the best of it. Hold your head up. Everything will be alright.

  339. I would agree with a lot of the descriptions above. I have had several years to try and figure out what depression feels like, and most of the time I can think of the way if feels in my head, but if someone asked me I wouldn’t be able to properly articulate the exact feeling. There isn’t really any sort of emotion(s) that can describe it. It is (for me at least) kind of numb, but at the same time it feels heavy, and pointless. It feels like what you’re doing is wrong, and you aren’t really how to change it or what is the right way, but you know this isn’t it. It’s very frustrating. Something to remember with depression is that the feelings/symptoms/effects of depression vary with different people. No two people affected by it will have the same symptoms or description of it, so if some of the things match up but not all of them, don’t worry. That doesn’t automatically disregard everything you’re feeling. What you feel (or don’t feel) is still just as valid. It’s just that it’s in a different way.

  340. As is such, a lot of what I’m reading here sound sadly too familiar. It’s hard for me to build on what has been said, but it’s just sad because I remember when I did NOT feel this way. I remember life being different. I remember being able to do something about the bad times in life. Now I can’t. I have no motivation. What motivation I do get is robbed by anexiety. Living life is becoming a chore. I hate to say things like this, I don’t want to be or seem suicidal, but dying just seems so much easier than living. My brother was killed 15 years ago and I saw the kind of effect that had on my family. I would like to imagine my death would have a similar effect, but I can’t escape the feeling of being a burden and they just have to understand how much easier it will be for me. I’m suffering. I use to have all kinds of interest. Political interest, social interest, even nerdy gamer interest. Haven’t blogged in months. Haven’t done any work with the Party in months. Haven’t touched my Playstation in weeks. And it ain’t because I don’t want to play, I just don’t have the focus to. However, even if I do play or watch tv or a movie or do something that I once enjoyed or might enjoy, it isn’t out of enjoyment. It’s to keep my mind busy from thinking about how much I hate myself, which I do CONSTANTLY. At any given point of the day, I’m rather thinking or verbally telling myself “You’re stupid”, “You’re worthless”, “You’re a failure”, “you’ve wasted your life”, “you suck at living”, “you can’t do anything right” over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over again and again and again and again and again. It dominates my day. When it started, the best way to describe how I felt was like a baseball pitcher where everything I threw would get smacked over the fence and the manager not only won’t take me out the game he tells me I need to pitch better. That is not a situation that inspires confidence. Now, I feel like living life, everyday, is a prison. I feel stuck. Limited. Trapped in despair and hopelessness. Instead of metal bars, my cage is my failures in life. I feel like I’m in prison. And you know what everyone that is in a prison wants?

    Escape.

    1. I often feel that I can’t do anything right no matter how hard I try. I’m often criticized at work for minor infractions. I feel that I outlived my welcome on this earth. I have no suicidal intentions. I just want to die from natural causes while I’m still “young” enough to look presentable in my casket. Is that bad? I have been online a lot to select a beautiful emerald green gown to be buried in. Green is my favorite color.

  341. It feels as if the weight of the world is on me. So much pressure on everything I must do right. I’ve been depressed since I was 12 an am now 16. I’ve the scars that show what I’ve been through. 1/2 self inflicted. I don’t currently see a future. Everyday it gets worse and worse. Drugs, achohol, smoking and self-harm lessens the pain. I think my friends hate me. If I could just go without hurting someone I would. Atleast the cold, darkness gives me hope when I try wiping away invisible tears. And sadly I can not cry no more because I cried all my tears away.

  342. I relate to this. I don’t have any problem sleeping or eating, if anything I do that more now. I feel like my life’s going nowhere, I don’t have any hobbies or interests. I’m not ‘great’ at anything. I’m a good student, straight A’s, respectful to teachers etc,but I have nothing else but that. Next year is my last at school and I’m hoping I won’t have to go through ‘my future’ because it’s not looking too bright. As I mentioned, I don’t have anything to offer. Sure, I can understand maths and biology but I know that is not a scale. The world needs fighters, it needs talented people with visions and I don’t have a vision nor a talent. I’ve always wanted to DO something, but I can’t. I’m so scared I’ll end up with a dead-end job. I pray I die before that’s happened. Everyday feels like a day closer to my dreadful future. I want this to end now so that I don’t have to go through this. I was sad yesterday, I’m sad today and I’ll be sad tomorrow. I wish it would end already.

    1. I feel this exact same way man. Nothing I do can cheer me up. Maybe for like 5 minutes or so then I remember how lost and disgusted with myself I feel and the sky just sinks a little lower.

  343. I’m depressed right now chest is so tight can’t breathe right, life is going down hill for me i think everyone hates me no matter what i do for them it’s never enough and i can’t get nothing in return when i so desperately need the help my mind races one thought after another i can feel the inside of me changing just pain and nothing but pain

  344. I have asked my useless doctor to help me. Send me to talk to someone…she just won’t. She’d been prescribing me pills and I just get physically ill. I’m going to kill somebody, and they can’t say I never asked for help.

    1. Hi I felt the same with my doctor. He is a great script writer 🙂
      I wanted him to give me thyroid test etc for T3 T4 T4R but he just ignored me and gave me the standard one. I am thinking of changing doctor.

  345. The only thing that keeps me going is nighttime and sleep. I live the dark. I hate the sun. I love the cold weather that keeps me away from everyone and in my house drowning in clothes and just thinking when all this will be over. I hate living and I just cannot function at all.

  346. 1) There are always tears behind my eyes that can easily be set off. In fact, just thinking about my own sadness makes me cry.
    2) I have a terrible gut wrenching feeling that won’t go away. An impending sense of doom. It reaches up to my heart and causes it to palpitate.
    3) I have no energy to do the thing I once loved and go after the things I want in life. I am not good enough to get them anyway.
    4) I need to take all these feelings away. I want to smoke, drink, do drugs, anything. Please take these feelings away.

  347. Hi im angelina and I have been diagnosed with depression at @18 but im sure I had it since I was 12 since I cant remember my past before the age of 12 in 20years old now and I feel lifeless almost well no always I feel like I have no one to talk to

  348. I am 18 years old and have recently had a 7 month old son. I got engaged to his father shortly after his birth. Depression is the absolute worst feeling that anyone can have. Im starting to feel like im not even in love with the person I’m engaged to anymore. Everything my family does upsets me. I feel helpless and hopeless. I find myself crying almost every day without even knowing why I am crying. I have tried to be positive and change my views on the things going on in my life but it just does not ever seem to work. The dreams that I had for myself did not work out. I was a A,B student in high school, graduated a year early , was enlisted and set to leave for the navy until i had my beautiful baby boy. Since then i have just felt like i have failed my mother, and my entire family. I am currently in college but it is so hard for me to keep my motivation and finish school. I have to force myself to attend class. My son is the only thing that really keeps me going. I have had trouble finding a job and providing for my son due to some of my circumstances. I am hoping that I will be able to move on and grow into a better person. Depression is really a horrible thing to go through and I cannot wait until I am finally able to overcome this! Good luck to all.

  349. I feel like I’ve always had this deep pain, but as become more noticeable as I become older. Nothing I ever do is enough. I cry to the point where I can’t breathe. I have no hope or dream because I’m starting to lose faith in that, but I still dream which is just torturous. There’s always something missing a great huge void I’m trying to fill. I constantly feel like I’m screaming on the stop of my lungs and no one hears me or they just choose to ignore it. People just brush it of saying she’s just moody but there’s something seriously wrong.

  350. I sometimes have very bad depression. It makes me feeL like i dont exist. You feel as if life is passing you by and why does anything including yourself even exist here on earth. Sometimes you want to die. Sometimes you feel like you want to rewind time and go back to better happier days. At times i feel like i want the world to end.that is usually my desire. When you see others happy and enjoying things in life it makes you feel bad sometimes. You become distant and uninterested in things you may have once enjoyed. You dont want to be around others very much. Feels as if life is evil and should not exist sometimes. Gives you bad or sad thoughts. All in all it does not feel good…Now i try to listen to Reggae or good vibe music to help or go for long walks or talk to someone who will listen and understand

  351. Physically, it hurts. I have body aches and sometimes headaches. I get sick easily and stay sick longer. I’m almost always tired. Doing anything pretty much zaps me of what little energy I do have. My brain doesn’t work as good as it used to – It’s harder for me to learn and remember things (which was especially distressing to me in school because it used to be so easy for me), the days and weeks even start kind of blending together. I’m slower at thinking and responding, I can’t focus very easily especially if lots of other things are going on around me, I can’t think of certain words when I want to say them, my mind is blank a lot of the time when I’m trying to talk to people. I even feel like I do things more slowly, like my normal speed is slower than everyone else’s. Like I’m moving through quick sand, while everyone else is just easily swimming circles around me. It’s like a handicap I didn’t have before that I’m now forced to deal with.

    It’s so frustrating and maddening because I didn’t used to be this way. I feel completely uninteresting and boring most of the time, which probably contributes to why I have a strong urge to avoid being around people or avoid talking to them. Why the hell would anyone want to talk to me when I’m like this? People don’t want to hang out with depressing downers, so therefore I might as well spare them the pain and spare myself the embarrassment. Depression is embarrassing for me. I hate myself for being this way, and I feel guilty for being a burden on those around me. At the same time, I get extremely annoyed with everyone that I know, to the point where I pretty much hate them too. Everything seems unfair and it feels like everyone I know doesn’t care about me at all. Any little criticism that they give me is amplified in my mind, I take every comment the “wrong way” and feel like people are being harsh and mean when in reality they probably aren’t. The negativity is endless and automatic. It’s like the default in my mind, I can’t control it.

    I constantly get in fights with my significant other, which typically are extremely emotionally draining. It is so hard being in a relationship when you are depressed – attempting to explain yourself and why you are the way you are to someone who doesn’t know what it feels like and doesn’t understand is really difficult. It also angers me that he doesn’t get it and isn’t good at supporting me through it. More guilt comes from the relationship, I feel like I’m slowly but surely completely ruining it because of my depression and anxiety.

    I get overly emotional about any little thing that sets me off. I cry a lot about everything. And once it starts it seems to just keep going. Crying doesn’t necessarily make me feel better (like it used to). I think it lets me fully feel the pain and agony that’s always bubbling just underneath the surface – finally spilling over during these episodes. It can even make me feel worse during the cry. Eventually after I’m done crying it doesn’t feel as bad, but I’m so drained I think I don’t have the physical energy to feel as intensely bad. It’s just more numbing afterwards. Which to me feels better than intense painful crying.

    I’m also extremely angry all the time. At myself, at everyone around me, at the world in general. When I’m having all of these intense emotions it’s like the world is closing in on me – all of my problems, everything wrong with me and my life, is suffocating me. It’s so overwhelming and tiring. It makes everything seem so unmanageable and completely makes me feel like I have no motivation. Because it’s too hard. I will know I need to to things, but because it gives me so much anxiety and it seems so hard I end up not doing them. I can stare at a list of things I need to do and end up doing nothing. And then comes more guilt and hatred towards myself, because how can I be so lazy? How can I be so pathetic and useless? It is confusing and angering how I can do nothing all day long and can’t seem to will myself into doing what I should be doing.

    I second guess everything that I think. Is it just the fact that I’m depressed that I feel a certain way, or is it a real feeling and thought coming from me? I don’t really trust my own brain anymore. It’s hard to figure out what’s me and my own personality, and what is just the depression and anxiety talking – I’ve had them for so long. Have they just become a part of who I am? Will I ever get over any of this? I desperately wish I could but it doesn’t feel like it will ever end. Life with depression feels like a bad dream that I wish I could wake up from and be able to think, geez thank GOD it was only a dream. But it’s a reality. Sleeping feels better than being awake, at least it’s not as painful.

    I’ve never really felt suicidal, not directly anyway. But I do think depression has led me to act self destructively, in a roundabout way to hurt myself. I do things that I know I shouldn’t that are destructive. Or I do things to temporarily distract me from how I feel. Because I don’t care, or because I’m desperate to not feel like complete shit for a little while. I drink often and subconsciously sabotage relationships. Maybe to justify how shitty I feel about myself and my life. I don’t know. It’s like in a sick twisted way, I’m trying to make my world around me suck just as bad as the world inside me does.

    Depression truly is horrible. I would not wish it on my worst enemy.

    1. Amanda I think I know how you feel. I am starting to think I have had depression for a long time without knowing.I thought depression was just being sad. I wish I was sad. I wish i could feel SOMETHING. I just don’t feel anything. When i try to enjoy something I just get headaches from overthinking completely unrelated things. But I think I found a way out. I’m struggling with it because it’s harder than it sounds. But i am making the decision not to care about ANYTHING. I will not make dreams for myself, or find a “purpose” or set goals. I will just do whatever comes to mind right here, right now. I don’t care if i end up working for a minimum wage, i won’t have pride in anything. I am already good at not giving a fuck what anybody thinks of me, or if they look down on me, or if they think I was a disappointment compared to what they expected. They can all drown in a cesspool for all I care. Nothing hurts my feelings anymore. I just live each moment and see where life takes me.

    2. Amanda,

      That you for taking the time out to write this. Reading this brings me to tears because these things are all of the things I am feeling written so beautifully well. Sometimes it is hard to come to realization that I am one of those people who have this, although I try hard not to be and remain untreated. Although I am publicly putting this comment out with my email, I am embarrassed to be this way, and not blending in with society as normal people do.

  352. I honestly feel like I can’t do anything right. Little things especially, getting a glass of water or brushing my teeth. I can’t carry on a conversation anymore — I stumble over my words, even with close friends, which makes me hesitant to talk to anyone. When I get complimented, I immediately feel like I don’t deserve it. I can’t talk about my feelings, even when I want to. I cry when I think I’ve offended someone. I cry about things that happened months, even years ago. I cry when people irritate me. I cry when I notice that people irritating me. I’m happiest when I’m lonely, and I don’t know how to make anyone understand
    that.

  353. Depression is when you don’t want to leave your bed..and feel like dying everyday. It’s when someone you love tries to help but you just don’t care.You just want to be alone. After a while people seem to think that is your true personality and begin to avoid you. It’s when you feel like you are suffocating trying to get out but no matter what you do….You just sink deeper. I feel death is the only option for me. I will sadden everyone but I will soon be forgotten, I’m insignificant.

    1. Please believe me whwn I say I know how you feel. And also know that no matter how much your brain is telling you that you will be forgotten and that you are insignificant that you are not and will not be forgotten by those who care about you.

  354. I’m currently dealing with depression. I feel almost as its a black hole and I’ve dug myself so deep that I can’t get out of the hole. It’s crazy because you never could see yourself as that depressed sad person because all my life I thought I’ve been pretty happy but always have dealt with problems but I’ve always seem to find a way to get better. I’m very impatient I guess you could say and hope things will go back to normal. Then I suddenly question is our views on normal actually normal. Everyone has struggles and issues in life we are all just too stubborn our self pride to admit it. If you want to know my experience Ive had little to know desire to do anything. I constantly sleep as an escape from reality. I’ve always been known as a popular kid and I’ve gotten over 30 to 40 texts asking me if I’m alright and I’ve yet to answer really anyone for that matter. I go to work but don’t feel like I’m doing my job and see myself getting fired soon. I’m litterally so close to graduating high school but haven’t showed up to school cause I’m worried what people are gonna say. I went to a hospital for a week because I told my mom my thoughts about life and I’m diagnosed with major depression disorder. I’m hoping that things will turn around.

  355. It started as severe anxiety with some depression, but as time has gone on i just feel like i am fading away. I don’t know where the anxiety came from but it has never left or if it does it is replaced by other bad feelings. I feel at the moment that i am fading away. I cannot work i slept 15 hours last night. I don’t know what the medication is doing as i tried cutting back and i got akathesia(couldn’t keep still). I am having more trouble concentrating on things and feel that i can not look after myself properly.

  356. Same here! I tried to kill myself several times but somehow I couldn’t succeed, I don’t know what to do people say that meds are too dangerous for health, but I cant’ live my life like this nor I can handle another year of depression. I feel like I wasn’t supposed to live and my life has no future, what can I do? Every night when I go to bed I keep choking and my heart is being squeezed. Life please, I’m so tired I feel like I’m going to explode, all that I’ve known in my life was sadness and sorrow, I’m afraid I began to lose hope…

  357. I’ve had deppresion for as long as I can remember … About 15 years ago I was digansosed with anxiety … Medication made adolosenses a nightmare for me and my parents … I turned my back on the doctors .. After pushing through it on my own .. Landing a career as an electrician .. That’s when things went out of control deppresion made me uncontrollably cry in front of employes as well as customers … I lost my job because of deppresion .. I lost almost every positive aspect in my life because of how deppresion feels .. For every good day I have .. There’s 14 bad ones.. I’m sick of feeling empty … Without my family that doesn’t understand btw .. Deppresion would have taken my life .. For anyone who reads this .. Deppresion is lethal.. Do your research and think for yourself .. Don’t let someone make your own decisions

  358. Here are some more for the list above:
    –You don’t feel like you have any true friends who really care about you, or who really prioritize your friendship.
    –You focus on the people who have treated you the worst, who have hurt you or rejected you and let them set up a free vacation home in your brain.
    –Everything feels like too much effort.
    –All your activities and things to do feel boring and low-value.
    –You can’t make yourself do anything that you “should” do.

  359. I know all to well exactly how each and everyone on here feels. I feel vacant as if something from inside is pulling me, I’m drowning and my heart races. I feel so selfish because there is no real reason why I should feel this way but it’s inescaple. The worst feeling is feeling as though you can never escape it as if this is my natural state and i should not try to fight it. I set off on task hoping that by doing so I’ll reach my goals but in the mist of it all I sabotage myself because I feel as though I can’t make. My low sense of worth and self esteem makes me give up right before I’m about to obtain what I most desire. I feel absolutely invisible and undesirable. I made the mistake of using my ex as a way to validate my self worth and when he left I had such severe anxiety attacks and nightmares of him leaving over and over again. All my life I’ve felt as though I didnt matter and when he left he validated the fact that I didnt. No matter how many good things are happening in my life I feel shitty as though I’ll never accomplish anything. Every goal not obtained just feels like life’s feedback telling me I’m worth less then shit. I drown myself in food and alcohol and end up feeling worst. Ive realized that I just really hate myself. I hate who I am and wish to be different. I’m happy on the outside always making someone laugh but I hate myself in the inside. I procrastinate endlessly then end up hating myself things get so overwhelming that I have to give up. Depression is a beast and in many ways I’ve created my own hell. I honestly don’t know how to continue on Sometimes or what the best course of action should be. I wonder will it always be this way or can things change.

  360. My depression is an odd one… I feel sort of enclosed in my own negativity. I’ve lost myself somehow..
    Everything is behind a sheet of glass, that I know I’ve put there myself. I try to move it or smash it down but it seems to just make it stronger…and make me more accepting of it. I catch myself sometimes looking off into nothing and I’m very aware of the forced conversation I try to have with other people..

    This is a debilitating illness and anyone who is going through this, just sit tight. I’m on the same ride with you, and I’m sure that with a knock in just the right place, that glass that surrounds us will shatter.

    Just gotta find the right spot x

  361. I have began to break out in crying spells for no reason at all. I can feel them coming on and cannot control it. It rolls over me like a wave of darkness that envelopes me wholly. I fake happiness at work and with friends while inside I am miserable. Thoughts of past failures and future mistakes constantly come to mind. At times there seems to be no future or reason for going on. Whats the point to being here if I cannot control my mind and not be miserable all the time. On the outside I look normal, inside I am a tangled mess of feelings. I try to express them, but they never come out. I go to the gym to relieve some of the feelings, that helps for a bit, but then they come roaring back. I need to see a psychologist but am so afraid of opening things up. Dunno what to do or where to turn. I know I have friends that would understand but I don’t want them to know how I feel inside.

  362. Really…depression makes a person so badly.now iam facing it.iam unable live in this world.iam trying to hurt myself very badly.i ran in a hot room for an hour without stopping for a minute atleast.now my stomach n chest hurts so badly.i burnt my hands with cigarettes.these pains are giving me relief so that I can forget my inner pain.my legs are not working. Still I need pain.i dont know why am I behaving like this.

  363. I’m 14 and have been depressed since march 2014. It is now may 2015.
    I’ve been inspired by Dana Scully from the X files.Inspired to the point where just I don’t want to be myself anymore. it’s not jealousy; I respect Scully so much.My greatest fear is that I’ll never be like her.She’s witty,intelligent and beautiful, the exact opposite of me-I’m so ugly,stupid and inarticulate.
    I’m planning to become a forensic pathologist like her. but whenever I tell someone this they look at me as if to say ,”Dream on,kid”
    It’s become so serious I’ve been doing bad things lately.I even have an imaginary friend(Scully).
    I wake up every morning feeling like a complete loser.i procrastinate.im doing that now.i get bad,bad thoughts.
    I’ve begun hating myself.my father has stopped talking to me…I have a smaller brother – he talks to him but not to me. He tells me I’m a ‘quitter, loser and can’t complete anything in life’. Well, he told me that when he WAS talking to me , which seems ages ago, but is really just 3 weeks. I should be an ambitious teen receiving my father’s support.but I’m not.

    1. I am 16 and have been depressed since the age of 10. My dad has also stopped talking to me so has most of my family. The only one who actually talks to me is my cousin but shes 28 and has a job and a life unlike me so i cant talk to her 24/7. Just reading what you’ve written. I completely relate to it and its nice that on here you can just find people who are going through the same things as yourself. Stay strong darling.

  364. I feel like nothing makes me happy and nothing ever will !! I feel like everyone is looking at me laughing and judging me. I don’t feel worthy at all of any happiness. I feel guilty that I lay in bed for 20 extra minutes each morning , whilst my young daughter is shouting I’m awake mommy , merry morning and I keep telling her I am coming now princess !! Thank god for her , she is all that keeps me going !! I take her out and buy her new things and it’s all because I feel guilty that sometimes I just sit in silence for half an hour looking at the walls closing in on me!! Why does nobody notice I don’t smile or laugh anymore!!! I feel like I’m screaming for help but nobody can hear me!! I just want to be happy again because although I try my best to hide it from my little girl I know she must be picking up on it and I just feel guilty
    !!

  365. With that being said as irrelevant it may be. Depression feels like you have nobody. Nobody to talk to or relate to. The most simple tasks become difficult. I skipped class all the time. Professors thought oh he’s just another hungover kid who doesn’t care about anything but the next party. Depression makes you feel so weak, after trying to be strong for so long. Little things piss you off and disrupt your whole day. Little things that used to not bother you. Its a feeling of drowing but you’re not underwater. Your on land with everyone else and makes you resentful towards those that seem happy. You literally forget what being excited means. You dread getting out of bed, you dread any type of interaction with people. You’d rather experience physical pain than emotional pain. All in all its the worst feeling in the world.

  366. I really don’t know what I’m doing on this page I’ve been sad for a while and I just couldn’t find a way to feel better and I started thinking that maybe it was deeper than just being sad and I didn’t want to jump to conclusions I’ve always felt like depression was something that would never effect me I’ve always been generally happy but reading all these symptoms of what other people feel and what they go through I’ve really felt a connection and I think I can relate to a lot of these ever since my girlfriend left me I’ve just not been the same I was always happy now I just can’t stay happy I try to slightly talk to people about it but they just tell me to brush it off and I try so hard to but I really just feel like I can’t I feel hopeless I feel like no matter what I do I just won’t be able to make myself feel better my family thinks I’m perfectly fine I don’t bother my friends with how I feel I keep most to myself and I just go about my day but every day I feel like it’s just getting harder I feel this weight on my shoulders this pressing feeling on my chest and this sick feeling on my stomach nothing interest me I can’t seem to take my mind off of my ex I try so hard to just think about other things but I just feel the burden on top of me constantly I feel trapped like I can’t breath I want to just go away and not look back nothing really truly cheers me up and everything either bores me or irritates me I feel like I have no patience with anything and I’ve just been a dick lately to everyone I feel like I can’t tell anyone about how I feel and just seeing or thinking about my ex always put me down because I know she’s doing perfectly fine while I’ve been sitting here just dwelling on my thoughts and feelings and its just killing me and I swear I don’t know what to do anymore I’m also a very prideful person which gets in the way on how I express my self I really don’t want pity from anyone I just feel misunderstood I feel like I can’t talk to anyone because they’ll just think I’m crazy I I dont know man I’m just tired everyone always talks about getting help with these type of things but I don’t know what that means my uncle died recently and even though it hurt me I know it hurt my mom even more so I feel like I have to be strong for her So that just makes me push away how I feel most of them time but it’s just such a hassle to work around it and I just wish I didn’t have to feel like this I hate admitting this but sometimes out of nowhere I just break down randomly and cry every small thought of her just makes me anxious and sad I feel like I its all my fault and I shoudnt had done some of the things I did I’ve never been a person of regrets but now I just have so many and I don’t know what to do I feel like problems are small compared to other people’s I feel like j shouldn’t be feeling this way I feel selfish wining about a break up when other people have genuine problems I just don’t want to feel this way I don’t even know anything

    1. Man I feel exactly the same way. I’ve experienced more loss than most 21 year olds. I lost my father in high school. I went to college and my gf of 3 years breaks up with me (she attended the same school) shortly after I lost my grandfather to cancer. She was supposed to be there for me(his passing was imenent). Well she wasn’t. I bottled it all up for so long and I have a very hard time deciding who I miss the most. And that’s horrible to think about but I was very close to all 3. Either that or I’m just a mess and can’t rationize anything. I find myself constantly day dreaming about the good times I had with them. But the bad times stick out so much more now. I’ve realized how it was actually my fault that my gf left me. I did things that I will never do again. I have no friends because my best “friend” since 8th grade found pleasure in exploiting my depression to our friend group, as he thought my depression was all my doing. Oh and those friends didn’t have the decency to wish me a happy birthday on my 21st. This led to me staying home and doing nothing on a night where you’re supposed to be with friends celebrating. I think about my ex constantly, always playing scenarios in my head. Two years later and I can honestly say there’s only been a few days where I haven’t gone a day about thinking about her. I am battling extreme depression. Im very unmotivated and really just don’t see the point in going to school, getting a good job. Working everyday. Doing the same thing as everyone else. I’m not over much but my best advice is to just soul search man. Try to find something of meaning. Read books, NOT fiction. I got a German Shepherd a few months ago and she has changed my life. I’m still very depressed but she has saved me. And I mean that in every sense. Maybe get a companion dog? I’ve never posted in a forum like this, ever. But reading your situation makes me think we’ve gone through the same feelings. Family’s important but just remember they weren’t around when there was Facebook, snapchat , or instagram. Point being~~~ society has really changed and not for the better. Professional help is the only fool proof way. I have been seeing a psychologist but he recently moved across state and haven’t picked up on it since. Just know man…you’re not alone. I never thought I’d read something like you wrote. So RELATABLE.

  367. I’m feeling the same way. Today I just cried and felt really sad. Work has been A lot of stress lately And I know for sure it is not the Job for me.I just didn’t really have a choice but to stay. this feeling is so wrong because I was an achiever when I was younger. I’m 25 and feels like I’m such a failure and everything and almost everyone irritates me.I need help.

  368. lately I’ve had so much going on in my life. I’m the type of person to keep my emotions in and I let them build up. My mom and I don’t have the best relationship at the moment, we just don’t click. Recently, i been crying frequently. I feel like maybe if I go into a deep sleep or something I won’t have to deal with anything anymore. I just feel kinda empty, as if I’m putting on a persona. I still laugh and smile genuinely, but not as much as I used too. In mind I just really want to end things but I just can’t. I’m going off to college next year and I just want to be able to be free and be happy but I don’t know how to get through this now. Help.

    1. I’m 45 I seem to be getting worse with almost the same exact issues as you’ve mentioned, I live with my father he has lung cancer but is doing very well, but I don’t have a life At all, now I have so much of my own personal dealings that they are piled us and I am almost unable to communicate to even get help, I’m on ssdi,but they just want to hand nut pills, I’m deeply lost, scared, angry, heartbroken, lonely but I am not interested in anyone cut my x,who hates me, cod my life is so nut of order I couldn’t be with anyone, but yet I don’t want to alone like oz DAD who lost his spouse, oh its and no win situation I could loose my mate first call these things go no and on. I just hate and am angry At the world,

  369. I relate with your post a lot. I was born into a poor family, sometimes we struggled for food and would go months without electricity, water and heat. On top of that we had an abusive father, he would beat my mother so bad that she had broken ribs, nose and etc. Then he started doing the same to us, we didn’t even know if we were gonna be alive the next morning. I’m the youngest one and my mother told me that the abuse didn’t happen so often before I was born, so unlike my sisters I was exposed to it from day one. When I was around 6 I couldn’t take it anymore, it was hell, so I tried to commit suicide but I couldn’t do it correctly. Then when I was 9 my sister tried to hang herself but my mom stopped her. My sister tied a noose in the toilet above the bathtub, when I went in I tried to do the same but I couldn’t do it. I could never leave my mother. Then a lot of things changed very fast, we were dealing with the threat of being kicked out on the street, that made things even worse. My mom then found a way to get out, remarry and move to another country. As I mentioned previously this happened very fast,too fast for me to deal with it. It was also shocking to me since my wish was for us to be a normal,happy family,with the divorce and remarriage all hope was shattered and I felt empty. My mom left me for a year and this is when the depression started to escalate and I couldn’t hide it anymore. I went in my room and started to cry for hours. Then after a year I moved in with my mom and her new husband and things aren’t better, they are empty. I have no friends, my mom isn’t supportive at all,she’s just making things worse. I’m being insulted and humiliated every single day by her and she just goes around talking shit to everyone about me. I constantly feel shame and fear. My depression is just getting worse every single day, and I can’t seek any help, I can’t even kill myself. I’m trapped and I have no one to help me. I’ve been living in hell too long and now I don’t know how to have a normal life. Is there any advice you or others can give ? It felt good writing about my life, even though this is not even half of it.

  370. So. Today I’m sad again. The last two days I’ve felt just cranky and irritated and I noticed I always felt stressed my whole life. Never could concentrate on school,was always forgetful. I was shy and highly sensitive and emotional inside to others feelings I could feel what others feel , and I was good at seeing what others went through. I have a sad childhood, my mom left me when I was 2 and my dad was always working and he met my step mom quickly after . she was fake . she acted nice until they got married . after that she abused me. She made me fat and cut my long hair to look like a boy, she would make m3 eat so much that I would throw up and then make me eat it and then laugh at me . the only escape I had was my grandma’s but she hated my grandma so she lI ed to my dad about how I was bad girl and my grandma was too. She would tell my dad so many lies about me that were Not true , I was always loving kind and shy and she made my dad think I was a bad girl and my dad would never look at me or hear me when I needed help.my step mom and dad never taught me basic things bbefore starting school.I was always bullied in my own house . I hav. 5 brothers 3 were step brothers that would bully me and made me do sexual things .i got touched sexually wrong and did forced to do sexually things at a young age by them and my step cousin and they made fun of me and shamed me because 9f it and I was ashamed to go to the doctors because of it and his my dirty clowe because of it.i was in special ed in school because no one tought me the basics I needed to know .like abcs and sounding out words and I was behind everyone I. The class every yeyear. I was fat and had boy hair. And my half sister had long hair . I was sad. And my step mom would torment me when I was younger . she would say go hurry up and put your shoes on nona is here to pick you up. (My grandma) .and I was so excited and happy so I would run and put my shoes on so fast and then I’d run out and she her car wasnt there and my step mom would say aww she left because she said you were to slow and thought you didn’t love her so she left you,then she would tell at me to take off my shoes and put them back I would cry the She would laugh at me then scream at me to fix my shoes . then 5 mins later she would do the same thing , I would run out faster for my grandma and she would not be there and my step mom would say oh she left because you were to slow and she doesn’t love you . then laugh at me cry and scream at me, she would pull me and my twin brothers hair and call us crazy and retared.my dad loved aaffection and when we would say good bye to him and kiss him before work and we always did that because we loved it too, but my step mom would c9me in our room and yell at us not to do that anymore and threten is . so we couldn’t do that. She never wanted us to be close to our father or talk to him.when we were grounded it was for a long time ,for months and sometimes it it was for something we Never did. And even when we were not grounded we couldn’t do anything. It was as if we were always punished our whole life.as if I was always treated as a criminal and I would always give her love and kindness everyday and she was always annoyed by my presence . and talked bad about me. I was shy in school and didn’t talk to anyone. I always felt alone. And sad and even to this day I do . my step mom never is there for me or talk to me . my dadvdoesn’t talk to me and it feels like he is a stranger to me. I always struggle with feelings of hopelessness , stupidity , feeling iinsecure and worthless because I am forgetful and I can Never learn good enough for simple things lol getting my bed , I always feel stressed and overwhelmed and I feel like I wwruin everythig and I don’t belong anywere.I feel like I’m too swsitive with my husband and I get easily offended and I fear I will be betrayed and abandoned all the time growing up, that every one will turn there face away from me or regect me or look down apone me or be jelous of me or lie about me because growing all my friends have done that as well. I still get happy but when I’m low I’m really low and I feel more hopelessness and loneliness and worthlessness then ananything.

    1. I feel like this too. My childhood was terrible. My heart was broken to early. I didnt learn to cope well. I yearn for true affection. I am lonely and sad. I dont trust people because people are selfish and self absorbed. Critical and unkind. The few good people out there have no interest in me and it makes me feel awfly sad. I dont know what to do. I have responsibilities I cant bail on but everyday this depression eats me away. Why can’t i connect?

  371. I have been depressed since I was 9 year old. You could say I’m self diagnosing, but I am certain this is the issue. I’m finally 18 and I am seeking help finally. I’ve gone through many phases including suicide, self harm, and lack of personal hygiene.

    This is how I would have to explain Depression:
    It feels like you’re treading through mud with a ball and chain tied to your leg. The mud is the lack of motivation, and the ball and chain is the feeling of hopelessness. They both drag you down but you’re still pushing through. You also have an immense feeling of lethargy. You have no energy, no interests in anything. I lost interests in helping myself. I avoided brushing my teeth because why care? I avoided showering every day because why does it matter if I’m not kept up on? I’m worthless anyways. That is what depression feels like. It’s like a choking mist of darkness that you have to venture through, that you wake up to, and that you fall asleep to. It’s become apart of my daily routine. Imagine the feeling of setting high goals, but the closer you reach that goal, the less motivation you get. “I’m going to pass this year!”, then as months go by, you lose sight of that goal. What’s the point? No matter how hard I try I won’t amount to anything anyways. That’s what depression feels like to me. Maybe I’m not depressed and I’m just some stupid kid self diagnosing, but after taking over 20 online screening tests and hitting major depression each time, I’m pretty sure I am.

  372. I feel lost, confused, hopeless. All the bad in my life overwhelms while the good seems to fade away. Nothing gives me pleasure anymore and all I want to do is watch tv and sleep. I can see what I want for my future and yet I can’t get myself to do the things to get there. It should be important but I just don’t care anymore.
    I don’t know if I have depression, before it had never seemed like a possibility but now I see the symptoms applying to me. What if I’m just going through a phase? I don’t tell anyone and I act normal because I’m embarrassed and scared but I don’t know what to do but I don’t want to be alone.
    Sometimes I feel like it’s just my problem, that I’m just being lazy and should pull it together. Other times everything feels so unattainable and so far away that I want to give up. The happiness is too far and too hard to reach.

    1. I feel exactly this way. It is hard to wake up. Even with all the caffeine in the world, I’m still sluggish.i feel anxiety and stress in the afternoons to the point of almost snapping and writing my job.i can barely even watch hgtv on those bad days, because all I see is the negatives in my own life and the gaps between my life(real life), and their life (tv life) where people plant a flower and out grows, where the is $ to spend on new floors, and mine are falling in. There’s a gap in general between me and the rest of the world. In my “phases” as I see them, there is no room for anything or any one except improvement. And that is a very depressing state of mind to be in.i still attend work every day, still clean house and keep my duties, but inside I feel bare, alone, hopeless, excluded socially, and like a failure altogether. It takes all my energy just to pour on that makeup, that positive face, and move forward slowly but surely

    2. I feel exactly the same as you. It’s like my motivation levels have died. I have noticed that I am drifting away from my friends because it’s a huge effort to actually meet them and interact with them. It makes me emotionally tired. Plus a lot of the times i feel like speak just for sake of speaking and don’t even make sense anymore, like i don’t really know what to say… honestly i just want to be left alone and just sleep for the longest time and then wake up to quiet and no one disturbing me.I am just so sick of everything, i can’t even explain how i feel. it’s just this sense of wasting away almost.Like i said i have no energy or inclination to do much. It’s a huge achievement if i go to school for a full week or do an assignment on time. even showering and brushing my hair and changing into clean clothes is trying.

  373. I can’t cry. And let me tell you, I have tried. I tried hard. I can’t remember last time I had a good cry. I have had extremely suicidal thoughts lately. Nothing is exciting. I go on thriller rides and I don’t scream. I break rules for spite. It is not uncommon to have extreme hatred for everything that exists, esp. family. I realize I need help.

  374. i can totally relate to how all of you feel, i get up every morning and look at myself in the mirror and question wether my reflection is really me, sometimes i can’t even get myself out of bed.
    i make up excuses for why i can’t attend school and when i am at school i hide myself away from the light!
    i don’t really talk to people and especially happy people because i do not understand them,i wear black because thats the way i feel and for some reason i prefer being in the dark!

  375. I didn’t go to work for a month
    I didn’t leave my bed for eight days straight
    I haven’t hung out with anyone
    If I did I’d have nothing to say
    I didn’t feel angery or depressed
    I didn’t feel anything at all
    I didn’t want to go to bed and I didn’t want to say up late
    That’s how I feel

  376. Depression sucks… No other way to say it. Right now I am going through it and I feel that any kind of pain is enjoyable, time seems to go forever and I just want each day to end, I lost interest in everything, I give up so easily, no motivation. Every day I just feel exhausted as if my body is ready to give up and die. I try to surround myself with people but I end up feeling annoyed and bored with them when I do. My favorite songs don’t “hit” me anymore. But I still listen to them because it gives me the comfort of being alone. I sit in my room listening to songs all day ignoring everything…. I lost all emotion. I feel bored with life. There is so much more but I don’t feel like typing about it.

  377. Depression…….is horrible

    It kills you in the inside, makes you stop doing everyday tasks and everything you need to do. You feel so lonely. I feel so lonely. No one to talk to, no one I want tot talk to. The kids at school, they look so happy. They look at me weird, and even my friends…maybe my friend. They say sarcastic remarks, but to me they seem real. Go die in a hole, your life is dark and sad, no one likes you. Are they serious? It’s hard, and if can be happy at times. But I feel like nothing has any purpose, when will it go away, when will it stop. I write this, with no emotion. But a blank mind. I want help, I need help. I want it to go away. When will it all end.

    1. I cry a lot, and have stopped recently, but today I couldn’t handle it. I hope for the end of this.

      Goodluck, to anyone out their reading this. Keep on going. Don’t give up. And remember your not alone. Many people, just like you, are in this world.

      And remember, someone out their loves you.

  378. I hate to come to any realization that something describes me perfectly, but this does. I’m never happy. I’m always trying to put myself in situations that I think will make me feel happy. Even when I do, I become disinterested. I once did the whole rush thing when I was a freshman so I could get in a sorority. I made it, I was pinned but I didn’t show my face the next day or then on because the thought of being with people all of the time, talking to people scared me. I used to love learning but now I could really care less. I always feel like death is knocking on my door, and if I have the slightest pain I just over exaggerate about it. I start confrontations all of the time, like with my parents, siblings, and it even caused me and my best friend to split to where we haven’t had contact in months. The thought of even asking for help scares me. I just always feel helpless, like a waste of space, unneeded. Anyone could try and convince me otherwise, I know for a fact that I am not needed, and life will go on if I’m not around.

  379. I lost my wonderful husband 4 yrs ago. I’ve never been the same. I’m sad all the time, and cry alot. My sons are grown so i don’t see them as often as I use to. I wake up to a beautiful sunny day, and feel it wasn’t meant for me. I still fumble in the dark. I’m in another place trying desperately to get back where I use to be. Like there’s a window between me and my yesterday. My life was pulled out from under me like a dirty old rug. What gets me up and moving every day are my 4 pets. 2 dogs & 2 cats. I’ve thought about ending it all many times, but to leave them with no one,or even someone unfamiliar to them. Never. Pets truely help. Not saying they’re the whole answer, but they’ve been good for me.

  380. I have depression and I wish it would go away! Im very emotional and dont want to do anything more. Thoughts of suicide. My boyfriend just makes it worse bc he doesnt understand. I have difficulty expressing myself. What can I do? I just want to be happy.

  381. Feels like i’ve lost most of the faith in myself that I used to have.

    Like the happiness and motivation that I used to feel was just an illusion that I saw through rose colored glasses which was my antidepressant.

    Everybody wonders and ask’s what my problem is because they don’t understand.

    I have no desire to have fun, get ready in the morning, or even get out of bed on some days.

    Staying awake for day’s, with the help of prescribed Adderall, and then sleeping for an entire day. Adderall is the only thing I have left right now that gives me a glimmer of life.

    Avoiding everybody. Not responding to texts, phone calls, or emails because I dont have the energy to sustain a conversation.

    Everything I do feel’s exhausting. Even just knowing that I have to talk to someone on the phone creates ridiculous anxiety.

    I get sensitive when somebody else points out my life problems. My mother makes me feel the worst even though she doesnt mean to. I end up just crying alone thinking about how much further down the path to failure im on.

    Extremely annoyed when any of my family members try to talk to me.

    I have no desire to be in a relationship with anyone. I used to get excited about love. But at this point, I don’t feel good enough for anyone so I avoid it all together. I also can’t handle anyone else leaving me.

    I stop posting statuses on Facebook.

    I have vivid nightmares about horrible things happening that I have no control over.

    I give up easily on things.

    I have sudden episodes of crying while im alone and I pray for God or WHOEVER to show me how to get rid of this feeling.

    I just feel hopeless. I question why im even living on this world right now when I mean nothing to it.

    I really hope things get better as I get older. I hope im strong enough to pull out of this and take control of my life soon because I dont want to live like this anymore.

    1. Don’t beat yourself up thinking it’s a failure of your “strength.” The visually-impaired can’t make themselves see better by being “stronger,” so why should emotional-impairment be your failing?

      It isn’t. As someone who struggled for about a decade with depression without understanding what depression really is—a decade of thinking my misery was my fault and making the suffering far worse as a result—I ask that you don’t make my mistake.

    2. What you said its pretty much how I feel. I work 5 days a week and it requires constant interaction with customers. And i feel like I’m in a daze or I’m living in slow motion. I feel when I’m speaking to others, I’m not making sense. I feel like complete shit I use to take Aderall back in high school but stopped for about 2 years and I feel like the old feelings are coming back to haunt me. I feel theres no future or purpose for me anymore, I try to stay positive and keep my faith in God and hope that this goes away and suddenly I go back to being “normal”. I have acquaintances but no real friends , none in which I trust enough to express how I really feel. I cry and wish I was like everyone else friendly, normal and happy.

    3. I recognized myself in so many things you said, it’s scary.

      I’m scared of even starting things (college subjects for studying).
      I’m even scared of checking emails.

      Phone calls have become my worst nightmare, I have absolutely no energy to talk to people. They make me feel exhausted.

      I hate talking things like this to other people because I don’t want to make them feel bad.

      I was a very cheerful person, and even now I am cheerful around people, I’m usually the witty one who makes them laugh, but even spending time with others doesn’t help anymore.
      Before (around two-three years ago) when I went out with people, I would instantly feel better, but not now, especially this year.

      I don’t know how to explain it, but.. It’s like I don’t feel anything. When I fail I don’t feel anything, no sadness, no frustration, sometimes I feel guilt, but even that is inconsistent. When I do something good my mood is almost always still like a flat line.

      A close friend whom I really felt was the only one who truly was on the same wave length as I am stopped replying after we started getting closer. I wouldn’t mind if he didn’t want anything romantic with me, I just wanted a friend who’s not so exhausting to talk to.

      I find it extremely difficult to get out of bed. Before, whenever I felt bad, I would just sleep it off and feel better when I wake up, but now it’s all the same, most of days.

      When I sleep, I often dream nice (that’s one of reasons why I love sleeping), but often I have nightmares too and wake up with my heart bumping like crazy.

      I watch some funny shows on you tube over and over, I know almost all dialogues that will happen.

      I feel like I am guilty for everything, and like I don’t deserve anything because all this was my fault to begin with.

      I hate checking Facebook, and talking with close people especially.

      I don’t really have suicidal thoughts, but I think about death sometimes.

      The worst thing is that I constantly feel drained, like I have no energy for absolutely anything. Like I said, the worst thing is getting out of bed. I could spend a whole day in it. When I’m not at college, I can catch myself sleeping for 12 hours, sometimes even more, but I have trouble falling asleep.

      I also daydream very often. I take a walk outside with my mp3, play music and daydream about some stupid things, like I’m in some show ridiculing all the things I said above and making jokes about life and death in general.

      Some days I feel better than others, though mostly I’m just a flat line (not sad, but truly apathetic, like nothing moves me), is that also ”normal” in depression?

      I’m sorry for the long post, I didn’t expect I’ll be able to write this much, I can’t bring myself to write in my own diary for months.
      I typed ”feeling nothing” and it led me on this page.

      Keep it up everyone, though at this point, I honestly don’t know how.

      Thanks for reading, I hope I helped someone.

  382. I’ve been pretending to be normal for so long that people don’t think I’m depressed but a cheerful person who loves life. I take meds for it but because it was aggravating a heart problem I have to take a lower dose which isn’t effective for me. I don’t leave my house except for work and getting food. I don’t have close friends or family so when I feel my worst all I can do is keep waiting for the worst to pass and then pick up where I left off. I guess depression is invisibility because there’s no outward sign of it, people just assume that because we haven’t died from depression our life must be going ok for us but we just pretend to be ok because honestly what can we do? We can’t just stop living but we can’t enjoy living either. We don’t die from depression but we can’t fully live either. We are stuck. So we will try live and try to keep the saddeness from touching our happiness.

  383. Hello there, I know that this is an old post, but I hope that I can get some answers if you happened to be still active. Does depression affect your dreams? or daydreams? I find that most of the times when I am at my deepest stage of ‘depression’ I’d have short hallucinations of taking furniture or an item and harm someone with it, regardless of how important that person is to me. It does sound funny when I say it, but having that kind of ‘depressive lapse’ for almost more than 2 years, it isn’t for me. Sometimes I’d break down and cry and fear of the day when I actually turned those ‘daydreams’ into reality. I don’t want to eventually hurt someone.

    The reason why I don’t know whether this is a symptom is because I am not seeing an expert on that matter. I have had an appointment once with a psychologist because my break-downs were affecting my studies. He did diagnose me as having depression but, well, my parent who was a doctor thought that he was probably exaggerrating my condition. So the diagnosis was changed to a milder type of condition that was similar to depression. I should have known better that maybe the psychologist was right, because that I have not moved on from that ‘mild diagnosis’ up until now.

    1. Dear Farah,
      I’m so sorry you are experiencing these nightmares and these frighting feelings. Sometimes people around us, especially family, can hold us back from getting the treatment we need because they really don’t want us to be sick. As always if you are having stong feelings of wanting to hurt yourself or others its recommended to seek professional help. I know we hear that a lot when depression is discussed but it truly is beneficial. Our minds are very complicated and when we are sick we can’t get better without a little help. I know that because I’m not you I can never fully understand what you are feeling but you have to believe that you are very important and that I sincerely hope that you feel better soon and that you don’t forget how valuable you truly are. I may not know you but I’m cheering for you and I believe you can get better. I believe we both can get better.

  384. Some body help me I feel like it a pain just to talk to people I’ve known for years. When people say hello to me I just walk pasted like nothing happened my job wich I would work with a gaunt smile on face now is just a place to sit and I feel berry fatigued I often cry for no apprentice reason I wrote on an enlist paper that I felt like I wanted to kill myself I had points that when ever I look down at a knife and think of staving myself with it I keep have nightmare about my life this has been going on since middle school I’m 18 now I’m tried of peapole ihave constant parnioea I can’t get myself out of bed most days I I take a shower 2x a week cause I feel like I just don’t have the energy I don’t shave ethier

  385. It’s frustrating, it’s inconsistent. I feel like a total stranger in front of my grown kids, my whole family. Before I started therapy, decades after I should have, I felt I could tell no one — no one — for years about how awful and empty I feel inside. I cry, I cannot breathe. I often wake in the middle of the night fighting mad with my heart thumping in my head. And I cry some more. Then I perhaps sleep, then wake, and I smile and my facade rises once again. And I’m told I have sad eyes. I hate it.

    1. I’m sorry you don’t feel anything. I used to think feeling pain was bad but feeling nothing is worse.I would never wish it on anyone, I hope you feel again soon. Feel joy. Dont give up. We can’t give up. You’re not nothing. you’re a person , the only one of you on the earth.

    2. Today I tweeted “I feel boxed in and I can’t breathe, constantly” as a means to describe where I’m at mentally and emotionally. I’ve been running away from the fact that I’m depressed but I’ve been slowly acknowledging it too. My biggest issue is that no one really sees it and cares. And I don’t want to draw attention to myself too much either because that is annoying, you can’t very well force someone to care or listen. I’ve been living in the messiest room for weeks, I’m demotivated about school, and life in general. I’ve been looking for a job for more than a year and there’s been nothing. You’d swear I’m not a graduate. I’m missing tests at school for no reason, just that I couldn’t get out of bed. I’m not putting my strength into anything. I’m a living zombie, just floating through life, either unseen or with no desire for anything and it shows. I’m generally a person who doesn’t feel the impact of things till much later, these days I’m just not feeling at all. I’m crying alone in my room, or right now in the computer lab of my school and no one of the five people sitting around me have noticed, which is good because I’d rather not be seen than have to try and explain the inner turmoil I’m feeling. I should be doing research for my two assignments due next week a day apart from each other, instead I’m wallowing in my sadness and finding sites such as this one where I can wallow even more, amidst people who have their own problems. I don’t have money for a therapist or whatever and I don’t believe they’ll ever get through to me anyway. Nevertheless, I appreciate this site, thank you for the forum. I pray that we all heal. Love and light to you all.

  386. I’m giving you all a massive big hug! You all deserve one and need one.

    I know what it’s like to be a prisoner of your own mind, feeling
    like you are just
    existing and not living.

    I too, felt this way when I was 17/18. I’m now in 30’s.

    I want you to know things get better, but you must get help.
    This is not a weakness.
    Depression is very common.

    Medication, talking, counselling are options that can help. Your Doctor will help you to find what’s best for you.

    I think of it like this: If you break your leg ,you need to go get it fixed. If you have diabetes you need insulin to help your body stay balanced.

    The brain is such a complex thing. I used to hate it for making me feel the way I did.
    Please, Please believe me that you can get better and start to be happy.

    Don’t be ashamed or embarrassed. It’s an illness and you can get well. Tell your family or someone you can trust.
    Help is there, you just have to go and grab it.

    If I can do it , then you all can too. Definitely!!

    I wish you all the best of luck and happiness. Don’t be so harsh on yourselves. We are human after all. God Bless.XX

  387. Honestly. Everything has been triggering me lately. I have been constantly remembering negative memories. Out of nowhere, these memories started hitting me with a bang. I started noticing much more clearly what these people meant by the words they chose to say to me. I feel so damm alone sometimes. And, I feel as if I post a comment or tell anyone what I feel, I will just be looking for pity. But then, I feel as if I don’t, no one will know what I truly feel. I just… don’t know who to talk to. I feel as if I go to a doctor they will provide me with pills, and just look at me like “You’re fucked, kid.” I lost my two best friends… And it was my fault. I wanted to leave them. But now, I miss them terribly and despite it all I’m paranoid. I am just patiently waiting until my new best friends to leave me just like I have to the other two. They say Karma’s a bitch. And I am just waiting for her. I can sense it is already happening. They are already getting fed up with me.

  388. My boyfriend had OCD I already know that ever since i even become his stress reliver his positve magnet, his reminder that everything is not real that things gonna be okay. that it was just in his mind! I try to be patience even sometimes his not aware he was already hurting me!I still understand him.Because I love him and i dont want him to think and absorb the negative thought. i avoid to tell him negative stories and expercience of mine unfortunately my dilema arise when i had a problem and no one to talk to i couldn’t ran to him cause i know he will feel bad and thats not good for him. And i dont want him to absorb my problems my stress by this. He become used to it that he didnt bother to ask me how i am?!if im okay? I develop anxiety and depression of hiding my problems, personal issue,experciences, i just caught myself crying out of nowhere, crying out of something that i dont know what it is. And sadly i feel lonely and alone i forgot to trust to other people,and now im scared to open up my issues to my best friend and friends. Im scared that they might think im crazy and cant understand me. I even caught my self wishing to that a car will hit me and Die!i feel unlove by him…i try to broke up with him but i couldnt because i love him. Knowing that it kills me everytime i hide my real feelings and emotions.its funny i mastered how to fake and looks so happy and stress free..but deep inside i WASs dying!!!i want go
    And be gone with@ the wind!

  389. I accidentally came across this site. I started to read this I relized that most of the points are what’s happing to me. I can’t remember a time when I used to have so much hope excitement and happiness. I used to remember just having a boost of energy and excitement going up the stairs, so I ended up just running up the stair. About a year or two after I left school I enjoyed the freedom but over time felt a strong sense of pressure on me. Now I am 22 and I am feeling low especially in the last year I am in a job is so annoying and frustrating. My family is difficult especially after my parents divorce and I not close to my dad I haven’t really been close before the brake up I have a older half brother that we don’t talk or se each other. I’ve tried to keep in toach with him but nothing and I have a younger brother who not long ago stole half my savings and he is entirely differnt person from me. My mum we have always been close but in the last few weeks whenever I say something she may agree but her face says something else and even tring to help her with my younger brother and my younger cousin(whom we been watching for a while) I end up getting a shouting and after that they get away from whatever it is.

    The last few months I have been staying in more and more as if I can’t be bothered with anything.There’s been so much more thingslittle and big but one of the things I hate doing is bothering people with my problems. I also felt like I was a outsider with my dyslexia

    I have no idea if anyone will ever read this since the last comment was nearly two years ago but a well.

  390. This is where I find myself right now, and I’m not really sure what it means.

    I consider myself an intelligent person. I try to be self-aware and constantly self-analyzing. But I realize that I no longer have an explanation for the way that I feel. Depression runs in my family. My father is bipolar. My grandmother on my mom’s side died a year ago. The circumstances around her death seem to lend to suicide.

    I’ve been to counseling in the past, but that was for childhood issues. I grew up in a mostly verbally, somewhat physically abusive home. My father’s own illness had him jumping to multiple mood extremes in any given day.

    Now, just a month away from my 32nd birthday, I find myself much the man that I grew to despise. Not as a whole, but I’m starting to relate to what was going on inside.

    I find that things that I used to love no longer bring me joy. I’m a musician, yet sometimes I feel like I no longer care about music. I have the ability to write and record music at home, and even though I feel some slight semblance of accomplishment from creating something, it is fleeting.

    I’m in a relationship with a great girl who at times I’m unsure if I love anymore. The problem is that it’s not her. Nothing about her has changed and she’s one of the best people I’ve ever known. It’s not because I don’t care about her. It’s because I don’t care about anything.

    The hardest thing about depression isn’t just the way it makes you feel. It’s the way it makes you confused about ANYTHING you feel. It’s the fact that you can logically know something to be true, but feel something completely different and have no control over that feeling. Depression makes you question everything. It is looming self-doubt in its deepest, darkest forms.

  391. I’ve suffered from depression for years. Probably since early childhood but only diagnosed in the last 4 years or so. I can’t describe depression to people and get quite frustrated when I tell someone and their first reaction is to say “but you’ve got nothing to be depressed about..?” Like it has to be caused by a specific event! I feel like I can’t connect to people, like I’m constantly disappointing people and that I’m worthless. I can’t stand myself sometimes. I’ve had constant issues in work, family and love life because of my attitude which I know stinks at times, I find myself reflecting on my own actions and feeling ashamed of myself. I look at other people and cannot figure out his they function so well when I can barely keep it together day to day. One comment, remark or feedback either professional or personal can set me back for days, I dwell on emotions and worries which I cannot seem to shift. I don’t know why I can’t just be a happy, nice, cheerful person and I don’t understand why I constantly do things wrong. I’ve seen therapists, taken medication and spoken openly to friends and family all in the hope that there is some miracle cure I can find that will fix me, I long for the day my brain isn’t in a constant fog and I can look back and think “I finally feel like everyone else, I am fixed, I can’t imagine how I ever survived the way I was feeling”. Try as I might I’ve never been able to find that miracle cure and I worry so much that I’ll never feel normal…

  392. My hygiene goes completely out the window. I don’t care what I look like or if I smell bad. I won’t shower for days, put makeup on, brush my teeth. I let my living space get absolutely filthy, and then I when I look around at the mess it just creates more self-loathing.

    I can’t get out of bed in the morning. And when I do, I simply go through the motions of the day. By evening I make any excuse to crawl into bed early.

  393. I feel like what was described in the symptoms all the time. I presently work with my friends and I don’t want to work with them anymore. Nothing against them. I hate being at home but much rather stay there, all the time. If I don’t have to get out of my bed, I won’t. A lot of the time, I just want to be left alone. No phone calls, no conversations. Nothing. I had a great start to the year, but I quickly went from being super happy to whatever it is that I am now. I don’t like it. I don’t feel like I matter to anybody. I hate the place I’m in in my life and I just want to be happy. That’s all.

  394. It’s anxiety for me: fear of going to sleep, paralysis which destroys getting anything accomplished. I am crippled with paralysis and it’s so difficult to move forward.

    Manic and so anxious of how to provide for my future. My job prospects are a joke due to advanced age of 53. Technology has passed me by. I am exhausted and just want to end it.

  395. I am filled with tremendous sadness. I look at my life and realize that every area where i have placed my love, passion, and my conscious effort has seemed to be all in vain. Somehow the deep love I have for my children has not be felt by them. They continue to express the disappointment in me and in life and the shame they have for being part of my family. My family is cursed it seems, My younger brother and step dad now homeless and addicted to heroin, growing up poor around dysfunction seems to leave you with nothing left to offer. You can’t give your kids what you don’t have, right? I feel i have given them a nice home, without much arguing, things i did not have. And they tell me i have done no such thing. Every accomplishment i thought i have made seems to be nothing but a dream i must of had, because there seems to be no fruit. The love I have is overwhelming why does that seem to have no value anymore, I thought love, truth, and passion would be enough. I see people in other countries hungry and living in the midst of war and my heart breaks even more. Rather that be thankful the sadness continues to deepen. I see how cruel people are and they seem to be getting worse, I look all around and cannot find one kind soul. I feel our days are coming to an end, is it all in my head? I feel crazy or enlightened not sure which it is. All I know is that my heart is broken for those who suffer and I am tired and feel that there is nothing I can do to help. Everything I touch seems to fall apart, no matter how good my intention.

  396. i feel lonely.i cry all the time, on petty things. i have friends but they are for name only-they are not going to be there when i need them so it is very difficult for me to fake friendship with them . and my family and lover dont understand my situation.my boyfriend constantly gets upset with me coz i cry a lot .i need someone to talk to . i need someone who understands what i am going through . someone who will not get irritated when i cry .

  397. I am seeing all of your stories, which are much worse than my current situation. So i kinda feel like I’m making a mountain out of a mole hill. Anyways…going to the same classes everyday, talking to the same people everyday. While everything I hear or do goes over my head, I zone out and fake my smiles and laughs without realising…I look at the pile of worksheets in front of me not understanding what is going on and just feeling like there is no point and I really don’t care if I fail yr 12…but I should. My dad and mum are going through their own problems so i don’t want to complain (i have told them and they are trying to help) I don’t do my homework or the housework when i know i should. I know I’m lazy which is making me feel guilty and sorry for myself and i hate feeling sorry for myself. I lay in bed crying for no reason and then laughing, my appetite has gone down the drain and i feel sick every morning.I know i am not capable of hurting myself or killing, i have no desire either. The only thing stopping me from giving up is the curiosity for tomorrow. I really hope you other guys will feel better soon and know you are not alone, I might not have depression but i can almost imagine what it might be like and it feels like a bitter aftertaste alongside black sludge that is always making it that much harder to get out of bed and the constant haziness in your brain keeping all your thoughts muddled up…thinking that death will bring you relief. That is not the answer and i really believe it will all pass, think about how big the world is and all the good things including you…YOU WILL WIN THIS BATTLE!

  398. My depression started around my junior year in High School. I had friends, still do. And mostly every girl would say I’m attractive but I also had a lot of acne during that time so I never approached any female. And when someone would talk to me I would look down or somewhere else because I didn’t want them to notice my face up close. But anyways I missed so many opportunities on making new friends and dating more girls (only dated one girl in high school) just because my low self esteem. My heart became cold and I stopped seeking God. Doing things like smoking weed and watching a lot of porn. Sometimes I would feel so low or solo. Like no one cared about me. And I stopped showing emotion on my face not realizing I was getting depressed, but everything would be solved when I went to sleep. Until one day it didn’t. I woke up depressed. I feel anxious all the time for no reason and now I can’t even talk to people. They think I don’t like them or maybe im sending negative vibes including my friends. I don’t know what to do anymore everyday is the same and I’m trying to seek God again but it’s not working I’m stilled depressed. Someone please help

    1. I am sorry you feel soo terrible and hopeless. Have you tried calling the suicide hotline? They will listen to you and maybe be able to put you in touch with some sort of therapist. It is soooo unfair that so many people feel so totally terrible all the time. Your doctor can give you some medication that will probably help, even if it’s only a little it’s so worth it. When I take mine it takes away the anger and crying. Which helps some. Part of my prob just now is I’ve recently moved, ran out of my anti depressant and can’t get an appt for over a month. Please call someone. It’s confidential and no one will blame you. Hugs, Raq

  399. I just feel like I want to cry, and that I’m no good. Anything I do, I feel like I’m disappointing my friends, my parents, my teachers etc. and I just don’t find anything interesting anymore. I used to love comic s and games and things like that, but now I just feel that they’re useless. And I feel constantly alone, even though there are people around me. And I feel that people are constantly talking about my weight. I wasn’t really insecure about it, but now, recently, I’ve just been feeling like I’m surrounded by thin, pretty people and I’m just this ugly potato in the middle… My parents are doctors, and I don’t really want to talk to them about it. They expect me to get good grades and, I dunno, I just feel like staying in bed, because getting up is so much effort, and I just want to cry.

  400. i lost interest in everything, cannot concentrate on one topic. Doing simplest task is very difficult and when some one is explaining me simple task i cant understand till it is repeated. After understanding i feel like i did it wrong. i cant remember anything.

  401. I have been trying to scour the Internet in hopes of finding someone who can understand how I feel. It seems depression affects people in so many ways…

    I know I am depressed, and it is an illness. I have tried for so long, so hard, to *snap* out of it, and it just doesn’t work.

    I feel like life is a routine between work, laundry, cooking, and providing for my little family. This routine is the ONLY thing that gets me through day to day, week to week, and month to month, etc. I work nights, since sleeping has long been an issue (might as well do something worthwhile if I have to be awake anyway, right?). My husband and son are gone during the day (work and school), so I am home alone all day, but am grateful for my pups who at least keep me company, and from feeling TOO alone.

    The pain I feel everyday, the deep muscle aches, exhaustion, and the fears/realization of being alone, keep me in bed, crying, a lot of time; especially mornings. My anxiety can cause panic attacks that seem different that descriptions I have read. I can breathe fine, but I get this sense of utter impending doom, combined with agonizing nausea (makes stomach flu nausea feel like tickly bubbles).

    I guess, ultimately, i hope to find some answers. Are there others that know these feelings? Especially the feelings of panic? The deep muscle body aches? Crying for no reason?

    Of course, I can’t seem to get my thoughts and feelings down the way I want. It’s so hard to describe, really, and I am not sure what I really want. To talk, maybe? To be anonymous, and hopefully someone will relate? Maybe

    1. The best thing I’ve found is knowing I’m not the only one who feels like this. It might sound deranged but I was relieved to read your comment, I’ve suffered from anxiety and depression for so long it’s easy to feel isolated, like you’re the only one in the world who feels like this and in some way it feels like you’re broken or faulty in some way. I can’t offer any guidance and I’m in no position to. I found therapy helped but usually the best thing us to find someone who feels a similar way you do and just TALK about it. It makes you feel less embarrassed/alone/afraid. I long for a quick fix, some miracle cure I just haven’t discovered yet to come along and fix me but I’m starting to realise that when you’re suffering from depression there is no “one size fits all” cure. We just have to deal with it in the best way that we can but having loved ones around you giving you love and support helps so much more. I hope you feel better knowing you’re not alone 🙂 x

  402. Have you ever feel:
    -what is the meaning of living?
    -everyday is a struggle to make sense of this cruel world
    -why are we so alone in the universe?
    -what is the point of working our whole life and not enjoying it?
    -money is the all evil in our hearts and mind, it controls us and our entire life
    -expressing what your feeling helps which I am doing
    -can’t smile like Kanye West
    -struggle to get up in the morning
    -life is good but does not make me happy
    -I know people far poorer and much happier than I am
    -the struggle to live is a challenge each day
    -though everything seems fine on the outside, the killer is still on the inside eating you day by day and making you sleepless night by night
    -whish there was more to this Earth than meets the eye

  403. depression sucks it feels like crap. I feel like crying every single day and so hopeless, I feel like being alone you know and just be away from everyone it’s like being in an egg shell your whole life and some people refuse to accept that they have depression, you really feel worthless and want to give up in almost everything that happens in your life ,it seems as if life is not fair towards ‘you tend to feel like you could go away in a place far away and that no one should find you ever again. IT’S NOT A GOOD FEELING AT ALL, you feel like the whole world has turned against you and it’s worse if you are still in school cause it affects your academics and you end up failing at school. You know when I cross the road id feel like a car could just come by quickly and bump me aside and die at that particular moment. I am a very bright girl who is always friendly and kind to people but ever since started getting these feelings I have not been myself ,I REALLY WANT TO GET BETTER BUT I CAN’T SEEM BETTER

  404. I feel like nothing. I feel like I’m just going through the motions every day. I know what I have to do and I do it. I can fake enthusiasm very well, but I can’t feel it right now.
    I feel like a gray lump just doing the minimum to get by, to make sure I don’t lose my job, but nothing beyond that. I’m no longer joyfully creative or have that lust for adventure. I just want to get done whatever I have to get done, then be alone or asleep.

    My friends are annoying. Waking up is the hardest thing. I feel like I want to be myself again, but I can’t bring myself to do the things that will help me out of this grayness. It feels enormous, and hopeless, and pointless.

    Sometimes I mark the days by events I know are coming up. But I feel I have nothing to look forward to, no motivation, nothing keeping me going, just existing somehow.

    I only eat low effort foods. Things with minimal prep or things I purchase from restaurants. I have no energy to focus on treating myself well.

    I’m mostly sleep and work and gray.

  405. Most of them fit me. I don’t even know why I am depressed. It feels like I am not really even here, like I’m just an observer. I see how everything could be so much better, but I can’t do anything about it. I feel like I have no purpose. I’m just a girl who can do nothing, I’m useless. I don’t know how to do many facial expressions. I see how others act, but I am not like them. I can’t sleep until past midnight but wake up at noon. I am always hurting somewhere, weather a headache or a side pain. But I have never considered suicide, so I am fine. I will make it through, and I don’t want anyone to know, so no one ever will.

  406. Hey, lateley I’ve been worried about a friend of mine he is suffering from depression he even asked me for ways he could kill himself – he has a list. I was genuinely scared talking to him, but I tried to cheer him up by saying he has us – his friends- he can talk to and he’s not alone. He just told me he can’t trust no one and he wont tell anyone why he doesn’t trust us. Lately, its been harder to talk to him but I don’t want to make him feel like im giving up on him. I just want to help him, is there any advice you can give me?

  407. I feel lonely. Lonely when I am not hugging someone dear to me. I have an extreme fear of getting in a fight or argument of any kind and level, so I compete and fight within video games, not like video games are bad, if not for them… I go to a psychologist once a week. So far we’ve uncovered that I felt sad at any separation, my parents separated as a child. I often times asked why, to which I would get the answer: we fought. For 4 years I could not behave as a normal child. Later I stayed a bit like that, docile, calm, invisible. My parents are great though. Total role models… I steered away from the question sorry. I am crying as I type. It feels awful, with no end. Hopeless.

  408. In order to explain what depression feels like, it might be better to describe what it’s not. It’s not joyful, or inspiring; it does not leave you feeling uplifted, elated, or at peace. It feels like your ultimate purpose in life is to cease to exist, regardless of what anyone says or does to help elucidate the contrary. I think the worst part is remembering happiness, remembering feeling awe, joy, and wonder; remembering feeling loved and the ability to love, and now it feels like these machinations have been surgically removed. The ability to experience these things seems so foreign to me now, and I can’t fully trust my memories. Depression feels like you’re already dead, and you’re slowly growing frustrated waiting for your body to catch up to the fact. That is the best way I can describe how I feel every single day.

  409. When people ask me what depression feels like, I tell them it doesn’t. I am managing it pretty well right now with medication and exercise, but I still have days here and there. On those days, I am completely devoid of all emotion. Most people think that depression is sadness, but when I am having a bad day, I don’t even have that. I desperately wish that I could feel sad, because at least then I’d feel something. I wouldn’t wish this emptiness on my worst enemy.

  410. Both of my parents had depression since their teens so it follows that I have it too. Sometimes we can be comforted when we know were not alone but depression can not be included in that.I read something the other day and it went like this : depression is like drowning only everyone else around you is breathing just fine. “what does it feel like?” some have asked me this. Like dying, only you have to wait a lifetime for it to finish you. *sigh* recently someone asked me “what makes your problems worse than anyone else’s?” And for the life of me I didn’t know what to say.

  411. Depression feels like you’re trapped in a glass box. you’re able to see your environment and people go on as usual with their lives. but you’re stuck right where you are, in your glass box, only able to watch others achieve goals you can only dream of. you scream but not a soul hears you. You’re scared to break the box, as you fear the glass shattering and harming you. you fear the loud noise and chaos it could create. so you wait, and wait, think, dream, and wait for your impossible dream to come true.

  412. I saw someone updated that they beat themselves up for things they said or did on the 6th grade and they are 35 now.
    I can’t find that person but clicked on the link to say something about it.
    I know exactly what you’re saying. I was doing that the other day.
    Totally bummed myself out with feelings and thing I did when I was 18-9 and I’m 49 years old. WTF? It brought back horrible feelings and the thought that I was fooling myself all these years thinking I made good decisions since then. But when I look back, maybe they weren’t good decisions. So it took me back to 18-19 and I totally felt as worthless as I did then when I thought about it. Feeling that I’m not worth a good relationship. That I will never find the right person to be in my life. Totally messed me up

  413. Imagine for a moment, if you will, that you are not the sole occupant of your body. That you, in fact, share your flesh with a parasitic organism. A parasite that not only has the capacity for reason and cunning, but also the capacity to hate you with the utmost intensity. A hatred so intense, that if it had the ability to do so and did not actually need you for its own survival, it would torture and maim you in ways only the darkest of minds could imagine (near to death), then restore you only to burn you alive. All the while smiling in bloody, sadistic satisfaction.
    Imagine that the hooks with which the parasite uses to sustain itself and latch onto you for dear life do not drain blood or any other similar vital fluids, but instead drains your desire to do anything but sustain your life in the simplest and most basic of manners, your happiness, confidence, and all that used to be pleasant and good about you. And when your goodness and confidence are strong and bold enough to break out, when adversity or stress or rejection knock them down, the parasite digs and twists its hooks around inside your heart and soul in a most excruciating manner, to punish you for your insolence.
    Imagine that, for allowing yourself to be crippled by this unholy thing, and allowing yourself to languish and entropy through your inaction, you grow to hate yourself as much as the parasite hates you. So much that you can no longer believe that you’ll amount to anything other than a waste of space and time, that you no longer believe that anyone will love you and want to spend time with you. So much that you can no longer look at your reflection and feel anything but hatred and disgust. Imagine that, after living for so long in within this darkness, that you are robbed of any desire to change; that anything else besides this state would feel too foreign and alien to remain there. Imagine that you live with the knowledge that death would free you from this hellish existence, but you’re far too afraid of what it would entail and what it would do to those you love, that remain, to kill yourself.
    If you can imagine all of this, then you can imagine how it feels to be as utterly depressed as I…

    1. Hi Ryan,

      I just wanted to comment that you have an amazingly vivid way with words, and if you’re not a writer, you should consider applying your time to the craft. I think you summed up (far better than I could) the reality and meta-reality of depression. I can relate wholehearted to your final elucidated point regarding the appeal to suicide stymied only by the deep guilt and regret of its anguish upon the living left behind. This is the only thing keeping me alive. My nephew would not understand.

  414. Great point about irrational focus on past failures.

    I’m lying awake, beating myself up mentally, for things I did/said in Grade Six.

    I’m 35.

  415. Have had depression all my life. I had no idea what it was or what was happening to me.(no one else knew either).my parents shrugged it off and told me to just get on. I cannot help thinking 40 years later that if I knew then what it was would I have achieved a lot more in my life as I feel it did seriously set me back.(school, college, exams, friends etc). Would I have been a multi millionaire or a genius now !?
    It’s a really horrible thing this depression. Feel numb, people talk & move around you but you cannot take it all in.
    Work is horrible(even just thinking about it) Mornings the worst. Can’t get up & feel like a slug.
    Oh yes. Don’t upset me either or make a mess because I can be really ratty when I have this..

  416. The other day I got dumped by my boyfriend! Telling me that I am too sad and depressed! I didn’t understand what he meant, until I came across this page and I found out why…Seems like I am really depressed! I want to change that!

  417. Sometimes I feel like music doesn’t affect me like you said, but other times I hear a song and just start crying because it’s so sad.

    1. I never fully regained the ability to listen to music after music first became painful during a major depression 32 years ago. Great classical music remains especially painful and should I mistakenly tune some in, I cannot get to the Off button fast enough. My son thinks I don’t like music, and just the opposite is true, but I cannot explain my reactions without breaking down, so I never have told anyone how painful music is – until now.

  418. I have felt really “down” off and on for the past 5 or so years, but for the past year or so I lost complete interests in things I really loved, for example cars. I loved to work on them and just be around them made me happy now I don’t really care. I used to play video games alot now I’ll go to start playing on and I’ll feel like “no I don’t think I feel like it” and I cry over little things and its not even about the the thing its just my life I feel worthless I feel like I have no purpose or meaning and every time I tell someone this they are just like “well lifes what you make it JUST BE HAPPY” I can’t I physically cant and I’m so tired of existing because I feel detached from everyone and everything I can’t think straight I can’t really grasp reality and I don’t know what to do anymore.

  419. One particular feeling I have was mentioned there. I feel like I’m experiencing everything from behind a glass screen I can’t express it any other way. I don’t know what made me search for this page but it’s just explained every feeling I’m constantly having and have had for 18 months. Constant anxiety and worrying about small details, harshly judging myself, alone in a room full of people. I haven’t felt excitement in I don’t know how long, I can’t concentrate on things and have a conversation, I’ve started to get really forgetful, when I do drink I drink til I pass out and behave recklessly as mentioned above because I woke up Sunday with the front end of my new car smashed to pieces and no recollection of driving it. I have everything going for me and shouldn’t feel this way which is making me feel guilty aswell. I’m a young soldier, which I feel makes people have certain expectations of me which is making me feel weak for even having these thoughts. I’ve never expressed this to anyone and I don’t feel I can to the people around me which is why I’m posting to this. To see if I’m not alone and to let anyone else who feels the same way they’re not alone either.

  420. I feel like life is not worth living. I feel like my life is useless and I should just end it all. I feel like I cant do anything right and everything feels wrong. I want to kill myself but I cant bare to.

  421. In addition to everything most people feel, I feel like I’m looking at life through a fog screen and earplugs. Nothing is crisp and clear anymore and my negative thoughts drown out any pleasant sounds.

  422. It is interesting because so many people think “depression” just means “being sad”…

    I used to think that too, and when I first was told by my therapist I had it(and anxiety), I thought she just meant I was gloomy or something.

    Then over the years I began realizing it’s not that, but it’s even the things I thought were simply normal, like my laziness and shyness…
    I thought I was only lazy and shy as normal people are, but it always did seem off how I couldn’t talk like normal people(very quiet and awkward, to the point people believe I am mute).
    I’m so lazy that I won’t even shower unless I’m going out in public(which I don’t do unless parents force me or friends pressure me).

    It’s actually kind of relieving to know that it’s something not only I suffer from, though. I used to think I couldn’t relate to anyone.

    I think lately, I’ve been having a lot of those “I’m so bored but don’t feel like doing anything” moments, where I’ll just sit in front of my computer for hours doing absolutely nothing. I don’t even have energy/motivation to play games sometimes, even though I have so many. It’s such a weird feeling.

    It does still irritate me how people can be really ignorant about it, and even hostile. Some people will say things like, “snap out of it”, or “just do this/that”, as if it’s something you can just cure.

  423. I Feel As Tho I Am Losing Complete Control Over My Life. I Can’t Concentrate On The Simplest Things Anymore & When I Try To Stay Focused On One Thing I Start Having An Anxiety Attack. I Use To Be Able To Read For Hours & Now I Just See The Words On The Page But I Don’t Pay Attention I Get To Lost In My Own Thoughts & How I’m Failing So Hard At Life. I Cry. A Lot. Hoping That It Will Release Whatever This Is Off Of Me But It Doesn’t. Back In June 2014 I Had The Most Beautiful Baby Girl & I Love Her At Least I Hope I Do. I Can’t Seem To Find One Emotion I Had. Love, CCompassion. All I Have Left Is Hate Sorrow Anger And Emptiness. I’m Not Really Sure What’s Going On But I Really Want Me Back. I Use To Be So Optimistic & So Happy. Now It’s Like I Dread Each And Everyday I’m Alive

  424. I cry all the time, just reading these comments made me cry. I’m 13 years old and I hear people say children as young as me cannot be depressed, but I know what I feel. Although I was crying when I read this, I was glad to know other people also have these feelings. I’ve tried to kill myself only once though. I don’t always feel like this though, sometimes I feel normal and just once in a while happy. That’s why I’m not sure if what I have is depression. I have most of the symptons I just don’t feel them all the time, I wish someone would tell me what is wrong with me! Why do I cry? Why do I want to end a life that has barely began? I never in the short life I have lived thought that I would be posting my feelings on a website about depression where anyone could see, but here I am. I’m just looking for help. Does anyone have any?

  425. I’m in 9th grade and recently I have been feeling confused and out of it. When I hang out with my friends or distract myself I’m fine, but then when I’m alone I start to overthink things and I wonder what if… The smallest little things make me want to cry, I don’t have motivation to do anything. I constantly feel like there is something stuck in my chest and in return end up coughing a lot. My body is full of aches and pains and I constantly get shivers and my hands are always shaking to one degree or another. I broke down today for no reason and I decided that it has been going on too long and I told my two best friends. They completley understood, now the question is what exactly do I have, depression, anxiety? I don’t know, and it scares me.

  426. Im so tired of living, living is just a hell of existence that the inadequacy of myself burns a hole of shame through me that I only get relief from when I fall asleep. I saw a friend get promoted today, I was happy for him but it has me suicidal, i am such a failure by contrast. I am embarrassed to live and to be myself. It is too late to start over, I am trapped in a job and a life I don’t want. I suppose people would say Im beautiful and smart and talented and outgoing and by numbers I am apparently the top performer at work, but it is a false exterior, they have no clue that I cannot see or feel any of these things about myself and that I feel the opposite. the only thing that matters is what i haven’t achieved and I don’t want to live hating myself. i want to die so I can be free from this pain and loneliness. My husband has no clue how unhappy I really am. I was in a car accident recently and I didn’t try to avoid it because I hoped i would be hurt. I wasn’t….but i was so happy to maybe die. for some of us, death is the only life we could be happy with.

  427. Didn’t realize the escitalopram I’d been taking for over a year was long expired and no longer effective, so thinking I was covered by this drug, which was very effective for me, I was certain I was safe, and that the returning symptoms, about 60-70% of those listed by our host here, were just bad days, but unrelated. Finally when something happened at work that I normally would have said a foul word about and gotten past wouldn’t go away, and I was sobbing out of control every day for 3 weeks at work at my desk and my weekends were listless and unproductive and I was almost continually wishing I would just vaporize and cease to exist, I checked the label on my meds. I saw July 2013 expiration and it’s Feb 2015 right now. I got a new prescription, been on it one week, and today I was able to smile for the first time in a few months. So I realize a lot now about depression, even more than I did before, and also I see how the med makes me feel like a normal person, so I will stay on it. And not let it expire. This is my contribution to this site. It’s a good site, good when you can read others’ stories and know you’re not alone in it.

  428. Depression? Certain members of my family have struggled with this illness for as long as I can remember and up until fairly recently I’d always said that I’d never suffered from ‘proper’ depression – anxiety, yes. Full blown depression, no.

    However, due to too many traumatic experiences within a short space of time e.g. marriage breakdown&having a complete change in lifestyle including moving house, death of family member, uncertainty at work, I am currently experiencing what my doctor described as ‘moderate depression’ & for me this is what it feels like…

    A prevailing feeling that no one really understands or cares about any of my troubles. An increased sense of paranoia that people are thinking negative thoughts about me. A desire to completely disconnect myself from my family. A desire to lock myself away in a darkened room and sleep away the evenings, weekends and weeks if it were possible. An intermittent feeling of wanting to ‘work out’ my emotions by harming myself. Prevailing feelings of intense anger and crying at even the slightest thing. A desire to ‘test’ the one I love, test their love for me&become angry when they dont show it how I want them to. A complete disinterest in food, weight loss&a feeling that I deserve to punish my body by denying it fuel and goodness, a ‘foggy’ feeling in my head and forgetfulness, losing things. A desire to listen to songs that remind me of painful memories and the inclination to ‘dwell’ in these memories. Rapid mood changes – feelings of being slightly ‘lifted’ when around people and despair when alone. Wanting to be alone with my thoughts. Never wanting to be around other people again. Feelings of hopelessness, despair, not knowing how to cope in my own body. Feelings of nausea and headaches due to too many negative thoughts. Feeling like I will never ever be ‘okay’ again…

  429. I never understood what hell depression is until I was living it. As mentioned, the clinical symptoms barely provide any depth and understanding to it. And I’ve come to the conclusion that its, of course, different for everyone, and not everyone has the same “symptoms”. For me, depression is a very intense self-hatred that makes it nearly impossible to do anything but lay in bed and watch TV and think about every terrible thing I’ve ever done, am doing, and will do. It’s impossjble to escape my own mind. But the real kicker is, managing to hide this from other people is so easy. I’m somewhat convinced my depression weens and wanes with undiagnosed bipolar disorder for this reason. Nobody could ever guess I was depressed – I can still converse pretty well most of the time when I’m not in a crying spell or in the “worst day” slumps. I can laugh and joke. But I laugh just a little too hard sometimes, I rwalize. Just enough so that you could tell how faked it was if you were living with depression as well. But the more and more I go on like this, the less easy it is to hide it. I’ve completely given up now. I’m down to my last $800 and really don’t care to plan for when it runs out. I just don’t care. I’m done.

  430. I wake up every day and feel like I’m in the same fog. I have no hope for the future. I feel lost and empty. I try to fill the space by constantly buying clothes and I just moved back out of my parents but I feel the same. Now I have 2 roomates to deal with, when really I’m not social at all. But living at home, I feel like people noticed it more in me and I didn’t want them catching on. Itleast when I isolate in my new place, they don’t notice. I also just took on a second job and am trying to date again after my boyfriend/fiance passed away a year ago. I’ve always felt this way to some extent but this seems extreme. Irelated to almost every single bullet note at the top of this page. Guilt has taken over my entire life. I focus on every single mistake I’ve ever made every single day. Sometimes it gets to the point where I feel like I can’t take it anymore.

  431. I am terrified. I am just scared. Terrified of the thought of being depressed, because I’m fairly sure I am. Terrified of telling someone. Terrified of pills and therapy. I want this nightmare to be over. That’s what it is. A nightmare. Everywhere I look for help I see ‘talk to someone’. I can’t.

  432. Depression is having your feet glued to the ground while everyone in your life is sprinting ahead. Wanting to call ‘wait up!’ but you don’t have the courage, and when you find that courage, they are too far out of earshot to hear you call them. When the glue hardens, they have all left you far behind.

  433. I don’t know if I am depressed. I am 13 in an all boys school. I have a very little amount of friends. Up to five on a good day. I can’t understand why people don’t like me. I haven’t been invited to someone else’s house in months. People use lame excuses to avoid coming to my house. I regularly cry and think “why me?”. My friends from when I was younger have slowly drifted away from me. I am very jumpy and nervous. I break into a sweat if I have to read in front of the class. I am extremely self conscious. I am always tired. Confusion overwhelms me. I can’t talk to anyone about this. I constantly wish I was ‘normal’. I looked up symptoms of depression on about 10 websites and most show the same ones. I display seven out of twelve symptoms. I feel stupid and pointless but I never consider suicide. Headaches. Lots of headaches. Homework makes me want to cry. I am going skiing next week and I am not excited. The world seems flat and I don’t think I will ever amount to anything. For a strange reason I have a fear of getting cancer. I have had this dream many times of me getting cancer and dying but nobody -even in my family- cares or even notices. I need help but can’t ask. My best friend lives far away from me and the only way I can talk to her is on snapchat. I recently got rejected for a part in a short movie I auditioned for. I do acting and I really wanted this part. I thought I was the perfect part. A boy in my drama class got the part. I was friends with him but now all I feel towards him is intense anger. I want to type my feelings for ever because I would be able to. I have slight ocd also. All of these feelings have come up in the last month or so.

  434. I know this article was from a long time ago but I just want to say that I have been depressed all my teenage and adult life. I have been thru counselling & meds but they only work temporarily on me. Maybe because I don’t have any social group or friends to talk to about this. I also could not get support from my family. It is very difficult for me to go to work (or when I was still studying to go to school) because that meant I’m exposed to people. I also turn to food to comfort me. I know most people will say that I should exercise bec that’s going to make me feel better but it really doesn’t. It’s difficult to move around when I feel hollow inside; find it difficult to breathe because of constant anxiety; and when my eyes feel heavy that all I want to do is sleep and sleep and sleep.

  435. I’ve read all your comments and understood how hard it was for you to face with depression. But I strongly believe that we can win in this fight. It is a life or missing out in life fight. And we have to rely on our own strength to win, because unfortunately, we live in a world where if you break your arm, everyone runs over to sign your cast, but if you tell people you’re depressed, everyone runs the other way. Keep it up!

  436. I experience almost everything you mentioned. I am afraid of interacting with people because I am scared that they will judge or criticize me. Things I used to enjoy ie. reading and movies cease to be enjoyable. I don’t think my existence is meaningful. I think I am a burden. I hate myself. My mind is a mess.

  437. To me, depression isn’t sadness, it’s numbness. My depression gets worse almost every day, I don’t cry anymore. Sometimes the thoughts subside when I’m not alone, like when I’m with a friend, but when I’m alone again it hits me like a tidal wave. I’ve always struggled with depression, since I can remember. I was 7 when I first threatened suicide. I have never received help for my depression, instead I am shamed for it. I have to remind myself daily that my illness is not my fault, and in a way it is almost something to be proud of. I have an illness taking over my brain and my life and the fact that I get up every day and do things that others can do without second thought is a feat for me. My depression and anxiety got so bad I found myself unable to leave my room, my parents becoming angry at the mess I’d made, and them kicking me out between their two houses, which made me feel even more useless than I did before. I still haven’t decided to get help, I don’t know why. Even picking up the phone to make an appointment seems like a daunting task. I know I am the only one who can help myself and I know I need to do it soon before this disease further cripples me.

  438. For me, depression includes a feeling that I shouldn’t be included in family events and such, being that I feel I’m worth so much less than everyone else. I’m not worthy of being a part of that. I feel I should just be alone from now on. I’m very uncomfortable around family and friends now. I feel like an outcast. Don’t let yourself fall into that… it’s a tough place to be.

  439. I used to have all of these symptoms. I was near ready to die after living this way for at least three years, but I found help and I am feeling much better now. Now I try to help myself in every way possible, but my depression is still something I struggle with. Does anyone know if depression every truly does go away? Is it something I will fight for the rest of my life? Is it a true illness? Is there a cure for it, a PERMANANT cure? Please answer, I really would like to know these things. Thank you!

  440. My depression has come to a point now, where I constantly feel almost a thick like feeling over my entire body and mind. Just trying to get out of bed is like trying to move 200 lbs of cement. I have two girls, age 13 and 5 and believe me when I say that I love them more then the air itself and will until eternity ends…but anything they do or say just gets under my skin and makes my blood boil. I want them close but I want them far away as well. Even doing the natural things as a mother is hard…laundry piled so high, dishes don’t get done Ever…I barely make it to the shower for myself…I lose and misplace everything in a house of nothing but unneeded clutter and mess. I cry on a dime. I rage easily. I can literally sit in a room for hours with nothing, no tv, no books and no music….my mind races so much that I can’t keep my focus on a Damn thing. I don’t know what to do. My kids deserve so much better then I can give them….but I cant leave em so I gotta find a way somehow to “fix” my problems…my ptsd…my a.d.d. My major depression and high social anxiety…can someone help me so I can help us??? Please???

    1. Mindy, I know your feeling. It’s hard. I feel lost, lonely, scared, sad all the time. Please know that you matter and you mean something very special to your kids. You are a good person, I know you are. The barriers that I feel, I know you also feel. It makes you feel so helpless inside. I know there’s hope. Stay positive.

  441. I think I may need help, but I really don’t know. I feel very lonely and sad all the time. I had a successful career and decided to leave a company after many years of working for them, to take a job with another company closer to my home in the community. I was established in my new role and involved in the community through my job, but After 2 years with this company I was laid off. Unable to pay my bills, and struggling financially, I looked and looked for another job. I took a job that was 100% commission. I am still struggling. I have two beautiful kids and a wonderful wife that I am trying to support but it has been soo hard. I constantly worry about my finances, stressed, never go out or do any of my hobbies anymore because I cannot afford to. I don’t hang out with friends, can’t afford to, I worry about my family all the time. I find myself tearing up and overwhelmed by tons of internal emotion all the time. I have no energy, no motivation, no drive. I feel like giving up, but I can’t. I can’t because I love my kids dearly. I don’t know what to do.

    Empty & Lonely

  442. I want to check my self in to crisis. I just feel like harming my self is the last thing I would do. I have small children and I have seen so many things and experience so many inappropriate things in my childhood. I watched my childhood friend get rape infront of me. I used to get touched by my moms uncles. My mother had a drinking problem and my father wasn’t around for the most part of my life. I had the strangest relationship with my mom and she often said I was the cause of her pain. Just imagine being a child and the only person who you thought is supposed to love you blames you for their unhappiness. I’m so destroyed that at 14 years I ventu out in the streets trying to find Love it acceptance. I was always teased in school because of the clothes I weared so I left school after getting jump by girls all the time and being called a slut and hoe when I was still a virgin. I ran away from home after meeting a guy who seem to care about me. He began to beat me and lock me in closets after him. All I kept bumping into were woman beaters. I had my first baby in a domestic relationship I tried running away but I was too afraid that I might lose my life. My family will never understand I don’t like talking about nothing because they are so judge mental and they might think I just want attention. I don’t want to talk to nobody in my family or friends nothing means nothing to me and I’m going through a break up where once again there was some domestic and verbal violence. I love my kids and this why I’m leaving this man but it hurts me so much because I’m going to be alone again. But he don’t understand that I’m sick and when he cheated on me last year I still can’t trust him. The relationship is toxic. I want the best for my kids and I do anything for them. But it suck not being able to get up from bed and dragging through out the hole day trying to make things right.

    1. Please talk to someone and get help. There is hope. I am so sorry to hear about your past experiences and hope that you know, that even though people like me do not know you, we still care. We care about you and your life matters so much to us and more importantly, to your kids. Be strong and never give up. It sounds like you are a strong person, even though you are going through really hard feelings insides that makes you feel weak. Hang in there and be the strong person that you are. Take each day one day at a time and be there for your kids and yourself. You are a very important person in this journey we all call life.

  443. I feel alone. Lonely even when surrounded by other’s. I am 32 but I feel like a lost child. I feel deprived of love even though I am.married with children. I am full of guilt and self loathing constantly. I am fearful that.something bad may happen to me or loved ones Often. I don’t laugh much anymore, I rarely smile. Other people I find irritating. I can’t be happy for anyone else. I feel that I have bad luck all of the time.all I want to do is cry myself to sleep day and.night even the job I loved I now dread.I feel a failure and I have lost all of my confidence. I am.paranoid about other people. This is how I feel and.I am assuming it’s possibly depression now as it’s gone on for about a year.

  444. Depression feels likes your mind is blank or more like shrouded by a veil and or murky cloud (hard to explain, like something is blocking your face) and if you try hard to think something, it is then filled with things and ideas that paralyzes you to make any decision and yet you dont understand why it paralyzes you and you usually forgot why you started thinking in the first place.

    you are not motivated to do anything not even things that you find enjoyable like watching your favorite TV show, listening to your favorite music,

    the simple tasks of switching the TV/musicplayer is an irratating chore that usually discourage you to even try

    you dont even know how or even wanted to decide wether to just go to sleep or just stare blankly on the ceiling/wall.

    You dont wish to be alive or to be happy anymore but neither wish to be dead. you just wanted to simply disappear. never existed in the first place