04-15-2008 00:48

Please hang in there, you are not alone

Depression is a mean disease in the sense it destroys your ability to cope with negative emotions.  
 
You feel lone, cannot connect to friends, family or yourself.  
 
You probably realized that you are not alone in fighting this disease and that this fight is hard, you are fighting for your dear life.  
 
My fight has been hard too. I know what you are going through. Please believe me.  
 
Some days I'm so tired, so full of it. In some extreme cases I cry alone. But above all I feel loneliness, an immense loneliness. I isolate myself a lot. I play hours of video game, watch movies alone, clam up, listen to music, play more.  
This is a defense mechanism that I use to "heal", to avoid getting hurt and more tired. At some point your brain shuts down. You need your space to deal with your depression.  
 
I have very little pleasure in doing new things, no energy, no will to try. Depression is a perverse cycle... 
 
I used to be happy when I was a teen. I can this part remember well. I used to look foward to my vacations from school, my uncle's house on the beach, going to the mountains around my city. I used to look forward to many things, great games, playing sports. I used to feel a real excitment for many things in life. Someday this all ended. Poof ! Just like that. Life just got incredibly difficult. My environment changed too: I changed countries twice which just aggravated my isolation and the loneliness. You know, people are the same everywhere in the world, trust me on that. People just wnat to be happy, no matter what language, color or religion. It took me a long time to realize that. The problem was inside me, my inability to connect, my unwillinness to expose myself and make new friends. Crap. I shot myself in the foot many times, made it a lot more difficult and I understand this today better.  
 
So this is depression for me: I can empathize, I can listen, I can feel sorry for people. I'm sensitive to people's suffering, people's weaknesses. I don't make their lives worse. I just cannot help myself. It sounds hypocritical no ? Go figure... 
 
Cry if you have to. Don't hold anything inside. It will feel better. Let it go. 
 
God bless you all, 
-P

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