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04-13-2008 13:24
 
i'm young and hopeless.
i've been on an axiety pill since i was thirteen years old.  
i always cry, and most of the time it's over stupid stuff. 
i found out on my own my parents were getting a divorce over a year ago, 
and they just told me seven of eight months ago. 
so i stress out about that. 
i used to go to a counsiler reguarly, 
but she told me since i'm an all a/ a b student that it was okay to get c's. 
and it honestly isnt. 
i've considered since around the first few days i turned thirteen. 
that i wasn't going to get married, never have kids, never date anyone anymore, and never have friends. 
but i ended up not following that. 
i have dated people, and i do have a best friend. 
but a few weeks ago one of my old friends told me that they love me, and they they were addicted to cutting, 
and that they are on an anti-depression pill. 
not even a month ago my other friend talked crap about my best friend and drew all over my pictures on my wall with sharpie. 
her and i aren't friends anymore. 
and a few days ago my boyfriend basically started to ignore me and delete all proof of my existance. 
i feel i'm losing everything, 
and i feel as if i'm living in hell. 
i use to never be able to get to sleep until the an hour or two before i had to wake up to get ready for school. 
only because i use to lay my head down on my pillow, and tears would come streaming out like crazy. 
i'd think of irrational thoughts, 
and toss and turn as if i couldn't get comfortable. 
since i did that for a long while, 
i had to listen to like ocean sounds on a cd. 
that made me go insane. 
it wasn't relaxing at all. 
it'd make me think of being on a beach, 
with my divorced parents,  
and all kind of preppy people around me, 
saying i smoke weed and crap. 
but i don't smoke anything. 
they only say that becuase i have glochoma.(i don't remember how to spell it.) 
i write poems and things summarizing my feeling and thoughts. 
i use to hang them up on my wall until my dad read them and kept on asking me about them. 
i always think about cutting myself, 
running away, or suicide. 
but i know i could never do that. 
i think negitavly twards everything. 
but i don't know if i suffer from any type of depression or not.
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Dresden