04-02-2008 00:09

On and off and on again,

Thanks for putting this forum together. 
 
Depression is a mean, perverse disease. I'm on and off depression since I left my home country to live abroad. It has been almost 20 years and it never felt like home again since I left. I left something huge behind. I feel like I left an arm, a leg or perhaps I died then. 
 
I know I had this depression brewing inside me since and the environmental chnages just triggered the bad stuff. Depression can happen b/c of a bad phase in your life, and can continue too... 
 
In one word depression for me feels like this: loneliness.  
 
An immense vacuum, nothingness. It is like living in a bubble, inside a glass house. I fell alone, sad, don't have enthusiasm for anything. Life fopr me is the same fight, the same grinding everyday: work-home-work-home... I have a family but I have difficulties connecting or feeling excited by anything. Is a perverse feeling b/c I know I'm missing my kids growing and worse I'm terrified that I may have passed the bad genes to them.  
 
Depression is a disease. It is to the brain what AIDS is to the immune system. It destroys your very ability to defend yourself, to cope, to feel happy, to look forward to things. It erodes you slowly...  
 
Sometimes it gets worse. Maybe due to bad days, bad things that happen to you. In these days I feel more alone than ever. But I actually benefit a bit from isolating myself and healing. THis is usually how I heal. I need to clam up, to isolate myself.  
 
I go to a therapist often, but I don't want to take drugs. I'm afraid of dependencies and messing up brain chemistry. I may also be afraid of "getting better" and having to deal with people, expose myself to life.  
 
Such a perverse disease depression... Damn it. 
 
Crying helps me. I'm not afraid of saying that. I'm male, 44 and I still cry sometimes. I cry alone and feel better.  
 
I'm dragging my ass through life, just making a living in a boring job full of politics and jerks. I feel a prisioner of the life I choose to myself. I see no way out, no way back "home". I also know I'm walking a fine line, just coping with my depression rather than attacking it. I know that if some serious crap happens to me or my kids I'll have very little emotional strength to cope w/ more depressive feelings.  
 
I'm waiting for things to get better, kidding myself. I know nothing will change until I take the initiative and try the drugs. Alone I'll not get better.  
 
I read all messages and I identified with many. I wish the best for you, from all my heart. I emphatize with you and I know what you are going through.  
 
Hang there, God bless you all.

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