03-30-2008 20:53

Misplaced

I have always struggled with my weight. Since I was little I was just a little thicker than the rest of the girls, but I was always healthy, and the weight difference was usually pretty small. But around seventh grade I started feeling really depressed and plotted suicide regularly. I never thought I was depressed, the thought just never crossed my mind. But in retrospect I can recognize that my behavior then and now is not normal. I overeat, I'm not hungry, and most times I don't desire or enjoy the food I eat. I also suffer off and on from insomnia and hypersomnia. When I sleep, it can be for upwards of 13 hours at a time, and I wake still unrested. When I can't sleep it is just as bad, I will lie in bed for four hours, and doze for 1/2 an hour or an hour before I wake again for the rest of the night.  
I also understand the constant feeling that I am not enough. I wonder what my friends and boyfriend see in me and I feel as I am an outsider thrown into my, otherwise perfect, family as part of some cruel joke. I tend to have fun with my friends, but after leaving them, fall into a terrible depression in which I hate myself and get irritated at the slightest word from anyone.

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