03-15-2008 00:37

I read all of this and it feels so close

I've been there too and it is ugly. I can emphatize with many of the comments before me. Depression is scary, agonizing. My worse episode also occurred in College. I was a bomb ticking and I did not realize that. I was 28 and I thought I was indestructible, strong, smarter than life itself. Then it hit. Someone hurt my feelings, a girlfriend, and I simply blew it. It hurts when you get dumped but that episode was the last straw only. She had nothing to do with this. It was inside me all along and when it came out it was ugly. I got seriously depressed to the point of not being able to function. The symptoms were panic, extremes of euphoria and sadness, crying a lot and an impossible need to talk to someone, to feel heard, valued (and cry more). I had nightmares, very vivid ones. I would wake up at 5AM and not be able to fall asleep again. I'd have horible panic attacks, I wnated to drop off and go back home, back to some safe place. I needed help badly, very badly and the more I thought about it the more I panicked. It got to the point I could not antecipate or predict my feelings. I was not myself - or did not wnat to be myself anymore. Reality was ugly and there was nowhere to run too. Finally I hit bottom and looked for prefessional help. Fortunately the college had a therapist and we started the process of coping and healing. I agree with all of you that wrote about getting better *slowly*. I got better. Today I;m 44 and had not have any bad episodes again, I think that once you hit bottom and come out of this you create some sort of resistance, like being immmune to a virus. Yeah, I guess you get immune to hitting the bottom again or you evolve spiritually somehow. I don't know. 
I have my bad days, my days of battles and scras. I wish I had more support at home or from friends. I admit I'm mildly depressed and I have been coping with it for all these years. I wish there was someone to tell me they know that is tough, that work, family and all that can be hard, that I'm not alone and my battles are worth fighting. I need to do better in finding more friends I can trust. Oh well.  
Hang tight folks. I will tell you what I crave hearing for a long time: 
I know what you are going through. I know the battle is hard, the pain, the fear, the scars. You are NOT alone in this battle. Hang tigth brother, hang tigth sister. You will prevail. 
Love

Guest