03-13-2008 21:49

mine

I am currently depressed... I feel alone.... I am hurting.... I typed in suicide in the search engine bar... and up popped this "read this Now" thing. Thank God for that-- I guess the writing helps. I have this bowling ball stuck in my chest.... everything is heavy... cloudy... like the surreal dream mentioned quite a bit in the other comments. I did not read them all but they are all important, I'm sure. This feeling first began at the age of 15 I am currently 34 so I guess that's nearly 20 years... I've never sought counseling, I went through that before for some sexual molestation I encountered in my very early years.... I have a bias against counselors.. and I often act as one at my job... go figure. I'm always there for everyone else and it seems no one is there for me. I feel like everyone I love leaves me. They go away and don't return to me... I wonder what did I ever do to drive them away? I want to be held and loved.......... I need to be held and loved. I walk through my life and find beauty in lots of things......... what is keeping me here is my children... and today I found myself thinking that they will be fine without me. So I am trying desparately to just wait.... wait for the feelings to subside and they have not. it's been days......... and months.

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