02-25-2008 03:00

Wanting to not exist

I have experienced severe depression over the last 5 months. It has been cycles ranging from fits of crying for no explained reason through to the worst - the emotionless black periods where I can't even cry. I think about death a lot - not necessarily always suicide but it does not seem to be the answer - I described it to my therapist as not wanting to exist - being obliterated from the world and from the memory of anyone who has ever known me.  
 
I have always been physically healthy and have never suffered this way before - I can't even identify why I feel the way I do. I am not even usually a moody person, have financial security, a good family and friends but feel that I have no connection to anything or anyone. 
 
I am going through change in my life and have fear of a future that does not exist - my past also comes back to haunt me and I continue to remember things that logically seem inconesequential but seem to pull me into these voids. I don't even remember when I start "sinking" into the hole and can't remember the trigger thought process. 
 
I have always empathised with people who suffer from mental illnesses but until I actually went there, I really did not understand how bad this is. Suffering for no apparent reason.

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