02-05-2008 00:16

apathy

I used to be so passionate about so many things. I remember feeling this deep sense of hope and wonder and joy when I went for walks and watched the sun set. I remember promising myself I would become an author someday. Now, all that is only a memory. I don't find happiness in anything. I used to love my family and friends more than anything in love, but now when I try to think about what I feel toward them, I'm not sure if I still love them or not. I feel like a horrible person for saying that, especially when I think of how I hardly ever see my grandma and grandpa anymore, but it's true. It's like I lost my ability to feel "connected" to people, if you know what I mean. I feel totally and completely isolated from other people. I don't feel anything when I talk to others. I feel that nothing I say is sincere, since I don't have any emotions anymore. This makes it impossible for me to make friends. I'm 16, and I've always been painfully shy, to the point where I've never had more than one or two friends at one time. But I always used to be loving, too. My friends meant everything to me. Now, I couldn't care less about making friends or being social-in fact, I try to avoid talking to people whenever I can. This scares me. I don't want to be cold and friendless. I want to be the person I was. This apathy that fills me like a huge black hole is destroying my life. I don't know what to do. Nothing makes me happy. I spend hours on the internet wasting time, or watching TV, instead of facing my favorite books or trying to write, because I know it wouldn't feel the same as it used to, and there wouldn't be a point in trying. High school sucks. It's impossible to go day after day feeling like this and pretending to be normal, pretending to care about the things everyone else cares about. I used to love watching Letterman or sitcoms, but nothing is funny to me anymore. Whenever I watch something funny with other people, I have to pretend to laugh because I don't want them to see me sitting there like a psychopath with an emotionless mask when they're cracking up over something. I haven't really told anyone how I feel. I've tried a few time, but my mom just said to snap out of it, and my best friend, who has had two abusive step-fathers, said that I have no reason to be depressed. I just wish they would understand. I wish they would still love me if they knew the depths of the sorrow I feel (or felt, before apathy set in), without looking at me differently. If only a few of us who have posted here could get together, maybe we could help drag each other out of the crushing depths of loneliness and depression that only we understand. I guess I'll just keep going, and hope that someday I'll remember what happiness feels like.

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