09-12-2007 12:38

3 Years Since My Perception of the Mind

I'm writing this because I know first hand how BAD depression feels. It made everything around me feel dark. It was like a nightmare. I felt locked inside my head. Like when my arm falls asleep. My consciousness felt dead. I felt like I was battling for my sanity. I had hyper-somnia. I could sleep 12+ hours everyday. All of it filled with horrendous sudo nightmares. I felt the worst in the mornings. I would spend my mornings beside my heater wondering if this would be the day that my wife had to commit me. I would worry about how my wife would get a long when I was in the loony bin. I thought about how she would serve me the divorce papers after several years of unproductive electro shock therapies.  
I kept going to the doctor thinking that I was sick and as soon as my physical body was healed my mental symptoms would be cured. All the while I never complained of a single mental symptom worried about the stigma associated with it. I couldn't leave the couch. When I first had an onset of symptoms I drove around frantically looking for someone because I didn't want to be alone. I felt like I had been dosed with an hallucinogenic substance. 
I felt hopelessly messed up and knew I'd be there the rest of my life.  
Things got better SLOWLY. I finally told the doc about the mental symptoms. I got the anti-d's. I started sitting on my porch swing 10 minutes at a time. Six months later I had a job. Two years later I'm a teacher. Yep, it still scares me but it hasn't came back full on yet. Hopefully it won't with the right treatment and lifestyle.

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