12-23-2007 20:41

In hindsight, the first time I experience depression was as a teenager. The only way I knew how to describe what I was feeling at the time was as "emotionally tired". I wanted to be alone, away from my friends. My grades dropped and I never wanted to get out of bed, though I would force myself up. 
 
Now, ten years later, I still feel it, only it's different. What hope I had for a better day has dwindled. I feel like I am being followed around by a dark grey cloud; I feel like I am trying to outrun my nature, but that maybe it's easier to just succumb to depression; I feel like I have this dark inner world that I don't want to subject others to, and I just want to be a part of the light, breezy, happy world; I either feel low or I feel nothing at all. I no longer feel happiness at all, or if I do, it's in short bursts. I feel ugly, stupid, boring, useless and hopeless. This intensifies my apathy. The more apathetic I feel, the less motivated I am to live my life, and I know, the more depressed I will become.  
 
I become suicidal when I realize that nothing I try to do changes anything. I just feel more hopeless. Only a small # of people would genuinely care if I died. The rest would move forward.

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