10-06-2007 18:43

Weary

I wish there was a more powerful word than "weary" to describe my emotions. I feel completely drained from the struggle to appear normal to my students, to my friends offline and online, to my parents and sister. I know others are experiencing things far worse than I am but their suffering doesn't make me feel better, in spite of the fact that everyone seems to tell me this to make me feel better. I feel like all I need is just one moment of real happiness and peace inside--not just fake pretend-to-be-happy and not just numb feeling nothingness. But a wellspring of joy that infects everyone else and makes them smile too ... a peace inside that comes from feeling like I matter, like I make a difference outside the tiny circle that is tired of me always feeling this way. They told me to get treatment, I did. I still feel this way. Now they tell me to get off the treatment, that the drugs must be what's causing it. But I'm already on the drugs of last resort, so I don't know what's next. That's scary--knowing that there's a real possibility that I may never get out of this black hole of sadness. But the more I contemplate it, the more I just get resigned to the fact that I am a middle-aged, overweight, balding man who has never experienced some of the basic things in life that define the human experience ... and may never do so. That makes me feel sad, and less than human. Maybe the world would be a happier place without my sadness bringing it down. I don't know. They say that my departure would make the world more sad, but I don't know. I seem to make it pretty darn sad now as it is. I used to believe in faith, hope, and love, but now I don't believe in much anymore. I could keep on typing but I know I bore people with what I say. So it's best if I stop now.

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