09-21-2007 09:58

I read your entries and it amazes me. But saddens me that others feel this way. I could have written any one of them. What is this thing, this place, this state of depression? I'm not too bad today. But it's always there. 'The Black Dog' it's been called.  
 
This is a journal entry I wrote the day before I ODed on pills and wound up in the hospital... 
 
 
Damn. 
Damn Damn damn 
I fell back again. This was a a really bad day. Really really bad.  
Please, I don't want to be like this.  
When i look at life it is like a window covered in mud. 
An endless hole. 
No love at all. 
Can I stop now? 
Please? 
PLEASE? 
 
Stress just pushed me down today. Work. traffic. The neighbor from hell telling the management things that are lies.  
Money. And no one NO ONE AT ALL to turn to. Not one single solitary place on earth to go. Same thing over and over and over and over. 
 
I tried to call one friend. He could tell I was crying, but I lied and said I wasnt. I asked him if he wanted to buy his old guitar back, and he said okay, and that was the end of that. I cant ask for help. If I do try to call, no one returns my calls. I have NOWHERE to go when I feel completely lost. It my own fault. I really suck. I really do.  
This happens over and over. More and more often. It is so pointless.  
I dont want to work. Or leave home.  
I dont want to do anything. But scream. 
The thing is, it doesnt matter. No one cares one way or another.  
But tomorrow is another day. i will pull myself up. I will.  
I want to get my life back. I want to find my life.  
With a real home and a family.  
Where did that go? how do I make that again? Where do I get that?

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