09-21-2007 08:00

It feels like I'm living in a horrible, surreal dream. I have moments where I figure things out, where I deal with something and it is solved and I think, "Okay. I can do this! I can deal with this money problem, I can figure out how to fix this." And I'll have a few hours, maybe even a day of hope that things are good now, they're fixed, that I can go back to normal. Then something happens: a car accident, a belligerent collection agency, a case of mistaken identity, the cable company overcharging me and telling me it's my fault... And I'm right back where I started, trying to figure out why being alive is actually better than being dead. I don't want to die, but I don't want to be alive either. Life is petty and gray. It's autumn which is normally my very favorite time of year, and it's pretty. But it's not the same. I want to be able to rest without worry and without fear or loneliness or crying. I can't even think straight anymore. But then I think before I died, I would have to clean my apartment. Which pretty much guarantees that I'm never going to die. How do I still have a sense of humor in the middle of all this?

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