05-01-2008 20:34

Dazed

I'm trying to understand my depression. I can't approach the topic of it with my parents until I can figure out what is wrong with me. I know how I feel, the fatigue, the aches, the mood swings; it's not normal. It just gets so exhausting that by the time I confront myself with it, I just don't have the energy to confront anyone else. I'm afraid of telling them, because I don't want to get defensive and make them resent me for something I've tried to control/curb, but can't. I really want to resolve my conflict with my depression because in a little over three months I'll be going off to college, and I don't want to go into that experience alone and depressed. I feel like I'm being suffocated, like someone is sitting over my body laying weights on me and slowly squeezing the breath from me. I feel like I'm trapped in someone else's body, and I want to scream for help, but my tongue's tied. I don't know why this is happening to me, and I don't know how to make it stop, but I can't burden my family with my problems. I also, am confused, because I know mood swings are part of depresion, but I feel like maybe I' faking the utter despair because then sometimes I hang out with friends and I have a good time. I can't seem to resolve my ability to reach temporary happiness with my inability to stave off my debilitating sadness. I'm lost, dazed, and at my wit's end.

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