“It was not really alarming at first, since the change was subtle, but I did notice that my surroundings took on a different tone at certain times: the shadows of nightfall seemed more somber, my mornings were less buoyant, walks in the woods became less zestful, and there was a moment during my working hours in the late afternoon when a kind of panic and anxiety overtook me…” - William Styron, Darkness Visible

Sometimes the Depression Self-Screening Test is just too clinical, and the symptoms don’t really “click” with you. Some of the criteria are general, and if you’re suffering from depression, specifics are easier to understand. I know that I might not have diagnosed myself with depression just on the basis of those symptoms. I had no change in appetite, and no sleep problems (waking up was what was difficult). Below are some un-clinical symptoms.

• Things just seem “off” or “wrong.”
• You don’t feel hopeful or happy about anything in your life.
• You’re crying a lot, either at nothing, or something that normally would be insignificant.
• You feel like you’re moving (and thinking) in slow motion.
• Getting up in the morning requires a lot of effort.
• Carrying on a normal conversation is a struggle. You can’t seem to express yourself.
• You’re having trouble making simple decisions.
• Your friends and family really irritate you.
• You’re not sure if you still love your spouse/significant other.
• Smiling feels stiff and awkward. It’s like your smiling muscles are frozen.
• It seems like there’s a glass wall between you and the rest of the world.
• You’re forgetful, and it’s very difficult to concentrate on anything.
• You’re anxious and worried a lot.
• Everything seems hopeless.
• You feel like you can’t do anything right.
• You have recurring thoughts of death and/or suicidal impulses. Suicide seems like a welcome relief.
• You have a feeling of impending doom - you think something bad is going to happen, although you may not be sure what.
• In your perception of the world around you, it’s always cloudy. Even on sunny days, it seems cloudy and gray.
• You feel as though you’re drowning or suffocating.
• You’re agitated, jumpy and and anxious much of the time.
• Your senses seem dulled; food tastes bland and uninteresting, music doesn’t seem to affect you, you don’t bother smelling flowers anymore.
• Incessantly and uncontrollably into your mind comes the memory of every failure, every bad or uncomfortable experience, interview or date, like a torrent of negativity.

How depression may affect your life.

Note: I wrote this a few years ago, and it has made its way around the Net uncredited. If you want to reproduce it in any way, please look at the terms of the Creative Commons license at the bottom of the page.

Please feel free to post your comment about what depression feels like. Don’t post:

• Questions about depression
• Comments on how you think it should be managed, including finding God
• Requests for other people to email you
• Your depression “biography”

Anything like this will not be posted. I’ve been a little lax about what I let slip through in the past, but the comments are getting too far off track. If you need to discuss any of these things, the message board is a good alternative.

Please note that comments are moderated - if you post a comment, it will not show up until it is approved, and this can take a few days sometimes, since I have to wade through hundreds of comments from spammers as well as legitimate ones.

You can find the archives of the comments from the old site here .

Comments (92)

	91. 05-02-2008 12:24
	Shadow of Yourself I feel like I never sleep. I just keep replaying things in my mind and how they could have been different if I would have only done this or if someone would have only told me that. I cant wait to get into bed or watch tv... anything to distract me from important things that I should be dealing with. I dont feel like I should be able to enjoy anything because I go to bed thinking that I dont matter and maybe I wont wake up. I often times feel immobile or stuck. When in social situations I feel like I dont have anything to offer to conversation. I cry constantly when at home thinking of how I used to be and where it all went wrong. I feel like I want to disappear but just cant. Depression feels like you have given up on yourself and who you used to be. You turn into a shadow person. Sometimes there are glimmers of who you are but rarely do they stay. Guest Report

steph

	92. 05-04-2008 19:44
	One candle one breath..poof. I am in a dark place holding my candlelight...I feel like blowing it out, feeling this is the furtherest I want to go with my life.    No one belongs to me and I belong to no one. I have 4 brothers, 3 sisters, a spouse, a father...I feel alone.    I am loved by many but I am not loved by me.     I have Lupus. I've tried to run from it, keep out of its reach but it always has me by the nape of my neck..pulling on me. Forcing me to change from full of life to a life unlived.     I am a spirit toting a carcass, now Lupus wants my spirit. Guest Report

Gracie

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