Day by Edward Robert Hughes
It is most tempting, when you find out someone is depressed, to attempt to immediately fix the problem. However, until the depressed person has given you permission to be their therapist (as a friend or professional), the following responses are more likely to help.
The things that didn’t make me feel worse are words which 1) acknowledge my depression for what it is (No ‘it’s just a phase’) 2) give me permission to feel depressed (No ‘but why should you be sad?’)
Here is the list from contributors to a.s.d.:
1. “I love you!”
2. “I Care”
3. “You’re not alone in this”
4. “I’m not going to leave/abandon you”
5. “Do you want a hug?”
6. “I love you (if you mean it).”
7. “It will pass, we can ride it out together.”
8. “When all this is over, I’ll still be here (if you mean it) and so will you.”
9. “Don’t say anything, just hold my hand and listen while I cry.”
10. “All I want to do know is give you a hug and a shoulder to cry on..”
11. “Hey, you’re not crazy!”
12. “May the strength of the past reflect in your future.”
13. “God does not play dice with the universe.” – A. Einstein
14. “A miracle is simply a do-it-yourself project.” – S. Leek
15. “We are not primarily on earth to see through one another, but to see one another through” – (from someone’s sig)
16. “If the human brain were simple enough to understand, we’d be too simple to understand it.” – a codeveloper of Prozac, quoted from “Listening to Prozac”
17. “You have so many extraordinary gifts–how can you expect to live an ordinary life?” – from the movie “Little Women” (Marmee to Jo)
18. “I understand your pain and I empathize”
19. “I’m sorry you’re in so much pain. I am not going to leave you. I am going to take care of myself so you don’t need to worry that your pain might hurt me.”
20. “I listen to you talk about it, and I can’t imagine what it’s like for you. I just can’t imagine how hard it must be.”
21. “I can’t really fully understand what you are feeling, but I can offer my compassion.”
22. “You are important to me.”
23. “If you need a friend….. (and mean it)”
22 Comments
Do you need to walk and talk? (If you’re in a crowd setting and a
friend is down.)
We don’t need to talk at all, I’ll just sit here with you and you
can close your eyes or sleep.
i hate it when people say that they understand…
cause they DONT.
what would help me would be if HE would just hug me..hold my hand
and let me cry..and then tell me that I’m okay..that everything is going
to be okay.. but that never happens
“I know you are depressed right now. Lets go lay down and I’ll give
you a hug.” – From my husband
My favorite phrase from my husband when he knows I’m depressed- “Do
you want me to talk to you or should I shut up and hold your hand?” When
I ask him to talk to me he goes on and on about a tv show he saw or a
dream he had or something else just to distract me. When I tell him to
shut up, he holds my hand and stays with me.
here is something for you ! to helop me help you when you need my
help. i am here for you i know i have told you this before but please
believe me I am here ok love you janet
God loves you even when the rest of the world thinks you’re a
looser, and even when you think you’re a looser. He loves and accepts
you anyway.
If I’m out in public and having a hard time containing myself, I
call my mom and ask her to, “Tell me something nice.”
She goes straight into telling me something cool that happened
recently to her or to me (“You took amazing photos this morning!” for
example), or tells me what my pets are doing that exact moment.
That willingness to distract me, without questions, is very
comforting.
Random affection is really nice as well. I want to be held whenever,
not just because I’m crying.
“I’m not going to abandon you or break up with you because you’re
going through depression. When you love someone you don’t abandon them.
You don’t abandon the ones that you love”.-boyfriend
I think the person named Carey above has a dream husband. It’s sad
how many people just jump right in with what they think is best. The
best think anyone can do is ask “What can I do for you right now?”.
im depressed and telling myself “you were given this life because
you are strong enough to live it” helps me
Hey qt, just sending you some happy thoughts to help you along. Hope
you get them – a txt from my husband when he knew i was having a bad
day
well this would be great if i had anyone to actually say these
things to me.
A phonecall at middle of nightfrom a depressed friend: what is
better mood elevator than to
“change reasons to be pissed of”!
Both give each other time to tell her/his day(s). At the end we can
only laugh: though it is that “black humour” – you laugh at things which
are really far from being laughable..
Why is it the list of best things is one page… but the list of worse
things to say is pages long… the people around me say they cant say
anything to me anymore, and the list of worst things to say REALLY are the worse things to say, I got tons
floating in my head….
But this list of best things… simply asking someone for a hug means
your needy and who want that around!
I can’t really think of a best thing to say to someone, but I know
the best thing to do. I love it whenever someone gives me a hug. My best
friend had been in a depression herself and she knows how it feels, and
she knows that I have it also. Whenever she sees me, she runs at me and
gives me a huge hug. It’s the best thing in the world.
I’d rather people just shut up and hug you. They usually don’t
understand but their compassion is enough.
What can I do for you?
Name anything and I’ll do it for you.
Talk to me
I’m here for you and I’m not leaving you
Rest, as long as you need to
Peace, my peace I give to you.
Rest in peace.
The best one I can remember was “are you okay?”
This was probably made a lot more meaningful by the fact that the girl
in question asked it every week, despite facing all the rudeness I could
muster* Another one, though possibly not for everybody was
“You can feel free to cry. I won’t be upset.”
I never could cry when I was depressed, but the general meaning, that I
could trust them not to break if I quit pretending, was very
encouraging.
Sometimes the thing I want most is just somebody to LISTEN. Not say anything at all. People get so
flustered by the best things to say but really all I want is someone to
hold my hand and just let me talk. I also like hugs. Sometimes my friend
in work will just come and hug me, out of the blue and without a word –
that always makes me feel loved, and that’s important when you have
depression, as it can so often make you feel alone and uncared for.
Suicide is a long term-solution to a short-term problem. And
besides, if you kill yourself, your (fill in the blank – baby, child,
daughter, son, wife, husband) won’t have you to kiss in the morning.
Well I think it’s not depression but failure that turns us into such
state. We have to think daily about what is it that makes us happy and
creative and enjoy our lives:)
Say nothing. Listen. Then hug. Then check how’s he doing every now and then. Repeat process from time to time.
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