What does depression feel like?

Image%3A Young Man Nude by the Seashore by Flandrian Hippolyte

“It was not really alarming at first, since the change was subtle, but I did notice that my surroundings took on a different tone at certain times: the shadows of nightfall seemed more somber, my mornings were less buoyant, walks in the woods became less zestful, and there was a moment during my working hours in the late afternoon when a kind of panic and anxiety overtook me…” - William Styron, Darkness Visible

Sometimes the Depression Self-Screening Test is just too clinical, and the symptoms don’t really “click” with you. Some of the criteria are general, and if you’re suffering from depression, specifics are easier to understand. I know that I might not have diagnosed myself with depression just on the basis of those symptoms. I had no change in appetite, and no sleep problems (waking up was what was difficult). Below are some un-clinical symptoms.

  • Things just seem “off” or “wrong.”
  • You don’t feel hopeful or happy about anything in your life.
  • You’re crying a lot for no apparent reason, either at nothing, or something that normally would be insignificant.
  • You feel like you’re moving (and thinking) in slow motion.
  • Getting up in the morning requires a lot of effort.
  • Carrying on a normal conversation is a struggle. You can’t seem to express yourself.
  • You’re having trouble making simple decisions.
  • Your friends and family really irritate you.
  • You’re not sure if you still love your spouse/significant other.
  • Smiling feels stiff and awkward. It’s like your smiling muscles are frozen.
  • It seems like there’s a glass wall between you and the rest of the world.
  • You’re forgetful, and it’s very difficult to concentrate on anything.
  • You’re anxious and worried a lot.
  • Everything seems hopeless.
  • You feel like you can’t do anything right.
  • You have recurring thoughts of death and/or suicidal impulses. Suicide seems like a welcome relief.
  • You have a feeling of impending doom - you think something bad is going to happen, although you may not be sure what, and/or...
  • ...You have a very specific fear that torments you constantly.
  • In your perception of the world around you, it’s always cloudy. Even on sunny days, it seems cloudy and gray.
  • You feel as though you’re drowning or suffocating.
  • You’re agitated, jumpy and and anxious much of the time.
  • Your senses seem dulled; food tastes bland and uninteresting, music doesn’t seem to affect you, you don’t bother smelling flowers anymore.
  • Incessantly and uncontrollably into your mind comes the memory of every failure, every bad or uncomfortable experience, interview or date, like a torrent of negativity.

Note: I wrote this a few years ago, and it has made its way around the Net uncredited. If you want to reproduce it in any way, please look at the terms of the Creative Commons license at the bottom of the page.

Also see How Depression May Affect Your Life. Archived comments in response to this article can be found here.

Please feel free to post your comment about what depression feels like. Don’t post:

  • Questions about depression and how to handle it (go to our forum if you want a response).
  • Comments on how you think it should be managed, including finding God.
  • Requests for other people to email you.
  • Your depression “biography”.

Please note that comments are moderated - if you post a comment, it will not show up until it is approved, and this can take a few days.

Posted: Feb 04, 2009

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  1. The only reason I don’t end it for myself is because it would make all the words I tell my husband, all of the “I love you“s, and all of the feelings I have for him a lie even though they are not. You see, if I “check out” then I am taking away the wife I believe he truly loves and adores. I don’t get it, I can’t stand myself but I know he loves me and would be lost without me. So I stay.

    — moongink

  2. What Candra said pretty much sums up how I’ve been feeling lately, and how I’ve felt occasionally in the past.
    Many of the things on your list also coincide with how I was and occasionally am.
    I have faith in myself though, that I can defeat this. :)

    — Amatiel

  3. wow. i have been going through this since last March after my gf cheated. to repeat what everyone is saying, this is scary accurate. After kinda just wallowing in self pity for a few months (after dropping out of Gonzaga U’s law program and becoming a full-time musician) I have lately been struck by better thoughts. I still have moments of relapse but I feel like things are getting better! I feel that positive thought only makes the process speed up! So my advice to anyone who has the heart to try, is to fully believe that this WILL get better!

    God Bless

    — jon

  4. I cannot remember the last time I felt truly happy. I cannot remember the last time I looked forward to something. When I look at pictures of me in “normal” times, I have a hard time believeing that I used to be alive. I’m constantly thinking of suicide or dying somehow, constantly wishing for an accident to happen to me. My perpetual negativity even drives away friends who try to help me. I wish I could disappear from this world and everyone I love and care about would be so much better off.

    — David

  5. I’m going through the very same thing. But the thing that helps me keep going is religion, look in to your spirituality, for me I found faith in Islam. Its helped me a lot but at times, its hard, but much better. Life is a bit more worth while. I hope the best for all of you, please take care.

    — Amina

  6. I manifest my depression and anxiety through anger.Its funny because I am still hopeful

    — Natalie

  7. An empty shell in an empty universe. Everything seems pointless and I feel worthless brooding on mistakes I made years ago.

    — Jay

  8. I have had these feelings of depression for at least 30 years. Mine are the type that come and go. The biggest problems with them are that they don’t seem to have any trigger or reason for coming on. I just told my wife about these feelings 2 years ago and she said she was relieved because she thought I didn’t love her anymore or something like that was the problem. That relavation that I had made her feel unloved made me feel even worse for awhile but I got over that. This latest incident of onset was about 36 hours ago. If it follows previous patterns then it will subside in about 2 more days or so. But this time it is so much more severe that I felt suicidal last night. The only thing that kept me from doing it was the thought of my wife finding me. I love her so much. My suicide would devastate her but I feel like me the way I am now is devastating her right now. I don’t know what to do.

    — Wilson

  9. Thank you for this list. It puts everything into the clear words that I couldn’t put together myself.

    — C

  10. Its good to know that Im not alone.
    I hate depression, drugs and everything that goes along with it.
    So I fight it all the time, push myself until I physically cant do anything anymore and the moment I feel stronger, I start over again.

    You know the worst thing, it doesnt seem to matter how much I try or how hard I try to make things get better, It just doesnt and when it seems like there a chance it always just goes away.

    I wish things would just get better for once, then maybe I wont feel so depressed.

    — ebbie

  11. basically its like being in a shell of my former self and watching this slow,lazy,boring, and incompetent person live my life for me…and ive been fighting it for 4 almost 5 years all through high school and it lightened a bit mainly because of my girlfriend but its still here and multiple times a day i get these random thoughts (almost flashbacks) negative/shameful things that have happened in my past just to remind me how the more recent me is so inferior to the old happy me…..its hard to get it to go away the only thing i can do is make new good memories to hopefully flush out the bad and work with my girlfriend to support each other when our depression flares…..

    — Mark

  12. Like trying to walk a straight line underwater.

    — L

  13. This message just made me realize that I’m not alone. I read it and couldn’t stop crying. The depression is new for me but I feel is so strongly. I am taking medication to help me sleep at night and I haven’t yet decided if I will see a doctor or not. Most likely but I’m trying to see if doing positive things in my life will help. It gives me some hope to know that I’m not alone. But of course I cry about it.

    — Missy

  14. I just don’t feel right. I feel like I am living in a body that is disconnected from my mind and spirit somehow. I know this isn’t possible, but it is how I feel, and sometimes feelings can’t be reasoned with. I feel like there is a hole in my stomach, an emptiness. My body feels unresponsive. I carry on doing ‘normal’ things, but they don’t feel normal. I feel like I am about to cry, but it’s like my tear ducts are empty, there are just no tears to come out a lot of the time. I feel tired all the time, no matter how much or how little sleep I have had, and I can’t seem to sleep even when I am tired. I feel completely useless at everything I do, and upset or even annoyed when someone pays me a compliment. I always think about what others think of me, and assume that it is negative. I am calm a lot of the time, but sometimes all my frustration and anger just comes out, all in one go, often just at whoever is physically closest to me at the time.

    — Amy

  15. Depression is really getting to me as i am un employed and having no job and no money it really sucks also every time i find out i have rent problems i really get depressed hopefully i can sort it out need a job soon cant live with benefits and i already owe people money and depression is kicking in i also sleep through day and up all night i am 29 yrs old the weather also makes me not want to go out aswell

    — BoB

  16. ive been depressed on and off for almost 20 years. i Feel like killing myself everyday but cant because of my wife and kids who depend on me. meds dont help anymore and im scarred to the fullest Good luck to all as we are all battling similar pain.Its the worst debilitating feeling one can have and is not right or normal. When you lose your communication skills, along with the confusion,anxiety, poor focus and concentration, we fall apart. its heartbraking knowing ive been totally fine and then am crushed with this illness from out of nowhere. Like the devil has stolen my mind. Remember suicide is a permanent cure for a temporary problem.but i want to be live

    — baba

  17. There’s really no point talking about my sad feelings. Yesterday sucked, today sucked, tomorrow will suck more. My life has been a horrible ripoff from day one and it just gets worse. I don’t remember happiness, I can’t even imagine love.

    I plan to jump off a bridge wearing a noose I made of thin, stong cable. Hopefully it will pop my miserable skull off like a bottle cap when I reach the end of my rope. If the cable doesn’t saw my head off, it should at least adequately strangle me to death. And if that doesn’t work hopefully the fall will seal the deal. Tempted to light myself on fire too. I guess we’ll see. Hopefully I can get someone to film it.

    Sermo Est Vilis

    — Matt

  18. Ya i feel all your pain. ive been depressed on and off for almost 20 years. Currently getting rtms therapy in southern Ca, for a month and nothing yet. Feel like killing myself everyday but cant because of my wife and kids who depend on me. meds dont help anymore and im scarred to the fullest Good luck to all as we are all battling similar pain.Its the worst debilitating feeling one can have and is not right or normal. When you lose your communication skills, along with the confusion,anxiety, poor focus and concentration, we fall apart. its heartbraking knowing ive been totally fine and then am crushed with this illness from out of nowhere. Like the devil has stolen my mind. Remember suicide is a permanent cure for a temporary problem. Keep fighting, Mark Harrison

    — mark harrison

  19. I feel alone, anxious, un-motivated and don’t want to do anything. Everything and anything feels like a difficult task. I constantly try to remember how I was before the depression, but I can’t really remember anything. I’ve thought about ending it all, but somewhere deep inside I know there’s the real me trying to break free. I found this forum by typing “Why am I feeling like this?”, and was surprised to see the results. I guess that’s a major question when you can’t take it anymore. I relate to a lot of these comments. Everyday feels like an endless struggle and it’s almost impossible to focus on anything. Just recently I got an MRI of my brain because I thought there might be a valid reason for all of this. It turns out I’m just losing my mind. I don’t like fearing the outside world. I have a vision of myself that I want to be, but I don’t want to try anymore. I don’t wish for anyone to feel like this, but at the same time I’m glad I’m not the only one.

    — Daryn

  20. I left her, now she’s with someone else, my best friend,I’m happy for her, she finally found someone to replace me, and i trust my friend in taking care of her.I’m a musician.Now that she’s not with me, I’ve lost everything.I love her.Now,she’s happy,I just wish she was with me now.Miss her so much.I cant touch my guitar,play my keyboard without remembering her.It hurts so much.She was my music.I just gave up on music.I just wan’t her back.

    Aiman

    — me

  21. I’m 16. I dont know for sure if im depressed or not cuz i havent been diagnosed. Im getting worried though. For the past few months ive been getting common depressing thoughts. Thoughts such like worrying about the slightest thing, to thoughts of past events in my childhood that I miss, times that I spent with my family will bring me tears because it showed how happy I was back then with my family. This thing grabs hold of me the hardest in the evenings and mornings. I sometimes gets thoughts that my friends all hate me and that I’m wasting my time doing all this school work when the outcome is the same anyway. There are days where I will just sit in my room for an hour and lie on the floor just thinking of how wasteful I am. Its much too complicated though sometimes that i just cant put into words on this website. I have thought about what suicide would feel like, how easing it would be to escape this world and sleep.I’m afraid, I dont know what to do…please, whatever it is, make it stop.

    — Anonymous

  22. I feel like I’m never going to be truly happy again. I’ve changed, and not for the better. Like I’m not wanted. During the stages of depression, I feel like I don’t deserve to be around other people or even to live. I’m not interesed in a lot of things that I was before, get nervous a lot, don’t talk very much to the people that used to be my best friends, eat more, just because there is nothing else to do, and I’m not the same bubbly, cool person I was before.

    — K

  23. I can easily write DITTO x 208 messages.
    Maybe that is all I should put here.
    Misery of being poked in the eye with pins would be better than the misery of daily depression. Ahhhh, I know I am better than this, but where am I anyway!
    I have felt every way you all have described except for trying to commit suicide. I want to live and very rarely have hope that it will get better. I beg my friends and family for positive attitudes. But that is not fair. When they do come to me with problems, sometimes I get very strong. But I am soon exhausted. I am tired of taking care of even myself anymore. etc etc etc…

    — Just me

  24. Depression is a constant pain in my heart. A constant anxiety, fear, indecision an hopelessness.

    What else can I add. It is not a good place to be in and so hard to get out of.

    Every change I try to make in my life seems to make things worse. Company and love are the only remedy.

    Luis

    — Luis Estrada

  25. let it go if you got it.
    quit holdin on to it.

    It’s bad energy..Just be free… All you want to do is get rid of it, so let it go. And go back to living a good life.

    — ?

  26. THERE COMES A POINT EVERYDAY WHEN I REALIZE WHERE I AM. BUT EVERYDAY,IM IN A DIFFERENT PLACE. ITS NEVER A PLACE WHERE I WOULD HAVE PICTURED MYSELF.I SEE GLIMPSES OF HOPE ALONG THE WAY. BUT THESE FRAGMENTS IN TIME IN WHICH I HAVE A LOVE FOR LIFE ARE DROWNED OUT BY DARKNESS. i THOUGHT THE WAY TO HAPPINESS WAS TO HELP OTHERS AND BETTER MYSELF. BUT THAT ONLY LED TO HORRIBLE THINGS FOR ME. I AM A MAN. I TRY AND TELL MYSLEF THAT EVERY DAY. BUT THIS ONLY PUSHES MY WORRIES TO THE FRONT OF MY THOUGHTS. MY BABY WAS RAPED N THER IS A FIRE INSIDE ME THAT I FEAR I CANT EASILY PUT OUT.

    — Brent

  27. I feel like I’m inadequate at everything. Its as if life is too much trouble now. I can’t help to obsess over all of the mistakes I made. I have trouble putting my feelings into words and I can never describe things very well, I’m even having a lot of trouble writing this. Whenever it seems like things are turning out well, things become bad again. I haven’t kept romantic feelings for anyone for the past 4 years, and I avoid situations like that because it seems as if it will never end up well. I have only kept one friendship for more than a year. What is the point of life if most things just end up being a disappointment?

    — Theo

  28. I can’t feel happiness anymore. I don’t look forward to anything anymore. I can’t bear to be around people because I feel like my misery will just bring everyone around me down.

    — David

  29. Ive had all of that for 3years or so and cut myself on occasion where No one can see it. But I do get excited sometimes like when someone invites me over though I ussualy end up declineing. I used to make really good grades in school and now I can’t even put my self to doing simple homework assignments. I can’t write worth a shit anymore like I can’t even think of words in English to put in an essay and I can’t remember anything or even speak correctly anymore. I’m not doing any drugs that’s not my problem. I hate school, I sit by myself in the corner and I’m super self consceince about any little thing I do. I feel like I’m that girl everyone looks at and says thinks ew look wt the cat dragged in. I love to sing and think I’m truley quite good but no one has herd me sing before. I just want the pain to go away.

    — Sw

  30. A lot of the time i dont care what people think of me. I’m just an empty shell that no one can understand. Life carrys no meaning. I just don’t care anymore. Sometimes I cry until I can’t breathe any more Other times I can’t cry, I just get angry. The tears wont come. I get emotional easily now. I have nightmares every week. I am so tired. I let people walk on me like a doormat. I put up a mask, but my friends notice something is up.

    — BATitus

  31. My persona has long since been reconciled with an all consuming and pervasive darkness. It’s now part of me; the rejected Multiverse, the inertia, the absence of energy and desire. No drugs nor any amount of group therapy can help obviate the truth that humanity’s existence is mere stardust. This is me. This is my life. Exist or die. That’s the choice. Nothing more meaningful than that!

    — ian

  32. I’ve struggled with depression all my life. I can look back over the years and see how it has defined me. I’m 45. My therapist says depression is unexpressed anger. That seems way too simplistic an answer for what I feel.

    I can see chronic cycles of major depression in my life, intermittent with lesser depression. I don’t think I can ever say I’ve had periods of happiness. I’ve experienced feelings of happiness at times, but its never been a persistent feeling or mood like depression has been. It makes life so hard. Lately I’m on the verge of tears all the time. This is no way to live life.

    — Lisa

  33. I have been depressed forever

    — Amy

  34. All that and add panic attacks: a sense of relief after 3 hours crying for who knows what, and then add a headache the rest of the day. I tried suicide last night, not disclosing details, but the sense of alarm of the body for the lack of oxygen tore it all up. At least the bunch of sedatives I took gave me 4 hours of sleep at night, and that’s always welcome in my case.

    New meds, I’ll give em 6 weeks, if they don’t work I’m afraid I’ll shoot myself. (If only i had a gun! I live in Mexico and for a normal legal person getting a gun is harder than getting uranium)

    — nietzsche

  35. sometimes i feel trapped sometimes i feel like i don’t belong i don’t know anymore i really don’t think i ever knew i have friends but i feel alown i have a really great boyfriend but it doesn’t help my emoticons are all off its confusing…. i always fell like my hole life is one big dream like it doesn’t exist…….

    — Catalena

  36. wow i have all these symptoms.. i’ve been having this for 2 years since i was 16 now i’m 18 i feel sad all the time my life isn’t going anywhere its just getting worse…I feel like i dont belong i also worry alot and i cant focus on anything but when i think about death everything seems so much better…I’m an outcast i’m not confident in myself at all i feel uncomfortable when i’m around people like i dont know how to communicate with people so i just want to be alone most of the time. I wish everyday for something bad to happen to me but nothing i’m still here…I always think whats the point why am i still living?MY LIFE IS POINTLESS…these past 18 years have been a waste :(

    — Eman

  37. Spot on. Most accurate description of what I’m going through. I’ve read a lot about this, and this is the only thing I’ve read that’s ever got it right. Almost scary.

    — JC

  38. I have never seen a better description of exactly what depression really is; this list nailed it. I slip in and out of the described symptoms at least 10 or more times a week. I am currently going through behavioral therapy and it’s definitely helping, but when the depression hits really hard it’s like a computer virus takes over my thoughts and controls my emotions. Whenever I am not depressed I am a beautifully creative free spirit, but the depression is a devil on my shoulder crushing my innocence. It’s really hard to ignore him and sometimes he gets the better of me, but I thinks it’s really important to realize that the depressed persona isn’t who I am and look forward to the time when I will have the strength to finally defeat my enemy and live my life without the constant speed bumps.

    — James

  39. In the past 10 years… I have lost 3 jobs… even though I tried to do everything I was asked. People don’t act like they like me. I don’t have any friends. My daughter and I were separated when she was young and I tried to make amends with her but she won’t talk to me either. I am so lonely it hurts and I cannot find a job that I can keep.

    I don’t want to live anymore.

    — Me

  40. Hi, ive felt” shit” for years…life seems different, dont look forward, so so low,cry for no reason , no excitment anymore, no feelings other than doom death ,cant be “arsed “doing anything,..comment 7 [greg] acctually brought a tear to my eye as its 100% the way i feel…just normal happy everyday things would be a godsend …if this is life…it aint a good one…oh and my reccurent migraines just top it of!!! Going to try and dream of nice things …if only. God i pity my familly living with my crap.

    — Andy

  41. I started feeling better just from a nice talk.

    — Nancy

  42. I used to cry and it made me feel better. Then it got worse and I didn’t have the energy to cry. I didn’t have the energy to talk to people or even come out of my room. I became testy and started to push everyone away. My grades never suffered though. My school was the only thing I could focus on. Getting good grades didn’t bring any joy though, I didn’t feel like they were an asset to me, just something I had to do. My physical relationships are nothing now. I have no energy for those things that I used to so enjoy. It makes me even more depressed that I can’t please my other half. I feel mean because I din’t want him.

    I didn’t realize I was depressed until I started meds. Then I realized how much I was missing. I’m off meds now but its a constant battle.

    — Jenn

  43. I am so tired of this – 50 years old and always on the verge of tears. Med to med to med and no change.

    — Luci

  44. It is unrentless – 24/7. It offers you no hope – no bargaining- no light – only the deep pain that becomes your constant companion. I feel for all of you so much – life is suppose to be fun and joyous. For some reason we have not been given that at this time. It is not us but the depression!!! May we all come out os this together and give us what others around us have – joy. May God Put a special touch on each of our lives today.

    — MK

  45. According to this page, i’ve been depressed since i started high school.
    Before that i felt like nothing mattered and i stopped caring. I’ve been depressed for 4 years … yay.

    — N.

  46. its like an overwelming feeling thats indescribable coming from within your stomach, like your soul is tainted. iv struggled with this depresson for about 7 years but things got really bad 5 years ago and ive been avoiding confronting it ever since but now its getting unbearable. its the pointless hopeless feeling that i cant deal with. the guilt for feeling this way is soul distroying. i cant remember when i last felt like a human being. :( even the most caring person in the world cant help me

    — Emmie

  47. I want to die but I don’t want people to be ashamed of my death. I have put it off for two years. Monolopy is boring so no one plays it, so why am I still here when all life does is hurt me? I’m only 17, but I feel I’m ready to go.

    — Me

  48. it has been like 7-9years…i didnt knw tht tym what happened to me…. i was in 5th or 6th class….n my classmates everyone was wondering why i stopped talking to them…it seemed as if i lost all my interest in life….its been dragging since….m doing things for the sake of doing them….but i dont enjoy anything….it is as if that day i actually opened my eyes….before that i was living in a dream….n now m alive…n i can see the world clearly…everything is so fake….i was a part of it 9years ago….but now m not…n m not enjoyin it here….everything seems so useless now….because everything has an end…let it be studies…my degree…job…money…family…friends…anything..now i dont want to put efforts into doing anything…people around me are just forcing me….but i cant…i dont want to get normal now…i want to end it all at once…

    — Anon

  49. I used to be a hopeful young woman who dreamt big thoughts and had lofty ambitions. Now, I am a young woman who wants to get by day-to-day without feeling so very hopeless or thinking too much about my future because it hurts too much to keep thinking positive thoughts when my reality is dour and uninspired. I am angry, ashamed, guilt-ridden and hurt. I feel I am merely taking up space in this world where I have no real purpose or value. I know I am an ingrate because I can’t fully appreciate my life right now, but I feel like an island unto myself, drifting aimlessly.

    — Stella

  50. I feel like ive been waiting for something to happen in my life and its never gonna happen and i dont want to be like this forever. i feel like my friends are better then me and im so scared that i will be like this forever, its always in the back of my mind. i feel like i dont know how to feel happy or mad or anything except for sad. i dont know if im depressed and i want to feel free and have more self esteem. this frustrates me so much that i think i think to much. thinking too much makes me break down in tears. i dont know if im depressed but im so scared that i am. every day i come home from school it feels like im a fuck up and i will always be.

    — Nick

  51. Everything feels wierd. Scary things are on the verge of happening. Everythin feels off and not right. I dont enjoy things i used to love, but i try to do them anyway in the hopes that ill have fun. I’ve tried a couple antidepressants and they made a huge difference but even though my treatment is progressing, i feel like im broken and will never feel better ever again.

    — Kaz

  52. Im tired. I want to cut and tear myself up.

    — No One

  53. I feel like i’m existing and not living. Apart from feeling like i’m suffocating, i feel nothing. I really want to but i can’t even cry anymore. If i had the money, i’d put a few things in a bag and leave, not knowing where i was going. I know this sounds crazy i but I want to be stood on top of a high mountain and feel the wind blowing in my face or be huddled naked in the pouring down rain. I want to be sat in a meadow and feel the sun on my face. Anything. I want to feel alive. What i’m feeling or not feeling is ruining my education. I don’t want to go to sleep in the nights because i know when i wake up it’s another day. I used to be such a confident, happy person.

    — Greg

  54. My first post is at 175. I cannot remember writing it nor coming to this website. Nothing struck me as interesting back then. I was committed earlier this year for a couple of months and made excellent progress. I was excited about things. I was finally “recovered” by September 09. I’ve relapsed January 2010.I do know how to get out of the cycle and I do know that all the therapy works etc. yet I cant bring myself to try it. I’m tired. I’m bored. Nothing is stimulating. I hate people.

    — Erika

  55. ITS BEEN NEARLY A YEAR NOW FOR ME,FEEL TOTALLY ISOLATED,NOT SLEEPING RIGHT,NOT EATING,AND NOT TALKING TO ANY ONE. NO ENERGY FEEL ASHAMED OF MY SELF I HAV 3 YOUNG KIDS WHO NEED THERE DAD IT BREAKS MY HEART.FEEL LIKE IV DIED IN SIDE MY BODY,CANT WORK ANY MORE SO EVENTUALLY WILL LOSE OUR FAMILY HOME. NO CONFIDENCE IN ANY THING,CANT BE BOTHERED. THIS IS NOT ME ITS LIKE A CANCER IN SIDE ME EATING IN SIDE MY HEAD.HAV THOUGHT OF SUISIDE A FEW TIMES HAV NOT RULED IT OUT BECAUSE I DONT FEEL LIKE IM LIVING ANY WAY AND MY FAMILY DESERVE BETTER.

    — Robbie

  56. I just have trouble going on. Everything my friends or family say in a joking way hurts. I get so mad sometimes but then I’m just too tired to do anything. I feel like I can’t do anything. My family don’t help, they make it worse. My mom hits me and my dad did but I’m lucky now because he’s in Iraq. Everyone thinks it’s wrong for me to hate him, but he hates me. He’s told me he does. When I don’t have anyone to help me through it it just gets worse. Sometimes friends are able to see somethings wrong but after pushing them away for so long alot of them don’t care anymore. The way people treat me at school because I dress different and because I’m albino isn’t fair. When you’re in a world that’s as judging as ours (and it is despite what people think) just make it harder. How are people like me supposed to go on in a world where we have no one to help us.

    — Kirra

  57. Inside a bubble feeling trapped.Looking seeing
    nothing.People everywhere,yet feeling alone.
    This weight on my shoulder’s getting heavy.If
    something doesn’t give.Can I help myself,I don’t even know.It’s in my body.Even in my sleep. I can’t escape this.I’m a strong minded
    person.At least that’s,What I thought.What did, I do to deserve this.Am i imagining this.Every
    day is getting.Harder and harder.Can people see
    this.I’m shutting down at a snail’s pace.
    Everything is just …….Forcing myself is not
    working anymore.Someone talk to me.

    — Ddee

  58. @ comment #31, shawn thank you for that comment, that is exactly what i wanted to say. Everybody DON’T lose hope, there’s a purpose for every single person in this world, TRUST ME.

    — Anonymous

  59. i have suffered with deep depression twice before and think i am on the same slippery slope all over again! i was doing so well, four years free of the weight around my neck and it feels like its coming back. reading these reminds me of how bad i was and how good ive felt for four years,im so frightened of how bad it could get again! a new doctor in two days and just hope he is as helpful as my last one was! i will get better and i wont let it win !!!!!! trying to convince myself before the real rot sets in!

    — joanne

  60. i feel so invisible! no matter what i do or say i’m invisible!!! nobody listens to me. my friends tell me to speak louder, but even then they won’t listen to me. i feel like strangling the next person who tell me to speak louder. i feel like i’m slowly fading away and while that’s happening so is the world! nothing seems to really matter anymore. i just feel so tired and i want to lie down and cry all the time. i wish i were getting somewhere in life and that there was some color in my life. everything is grey and monotone. my life isn’t worth living. all i ever do is sleep and cry.

    — the invisible person

  61. YEA HAVE BEEN THROUGH A PERIOD OF MY LIFE WITH DEPRESSION WHICH LASTED ABOUT 5 MONTHS WHEW FELT LIKE FOREVER ANYHOW THINGS ARE NORMAL AN IM REGAINING MY ABILITY TO CARRY ON CONVESATIONS AGAIN!

    — nathan

  62. I’m in tears reading these….because each post seems to describe at least one piece of how i feel when depression sets in. I’m bi-polar type 2 and have been on my meds, and haven’t had a major depressive episode in quite awhile. This one is hitting hard. Thank you, all of you. For knowing how it feels.

    — Angel

  63. I know i’ve been depressed about alot of things in my life, but also very apathetic about alot of other things. I’ve had ADHD all my life and lots of head injurys. they all seem inconsequential til now since they are taking their tol on me. i feel numb and not in controll of what im doing or saying and what’s happening in my life. i’ve had all those symptoms referred above. i’ve tried finding god…for a while i feel like i found him, but not being happy any of the time and dealing with brain damage makes it extremely hard to believe that God cares about me. i feel like he is just testing me, to see if I’ll abandon him if i feel abandoned. i just wish that there is hope for me and all of us. i have trouble believing in heaven because i’ve been close to dying and all i could see is my life flashing before my eyes followed by complete darkness and nothingness. I’ll will do anything to have hope and happiness in my life followed by peace and understanding.

    — Matt

  64. I guess everyone (here especially) has had a hard go at life. No different here. I want to be a good person. I don’t want to lie to be accepted. I don’t want to hide from the rest of the world. But I do.

    Sometimes I just want to pull that trigger. What a beautiful release? I don’t know. All I know is I am scared. I guess I prefer the pain of living over the mystery of death.

    Masochism?

    I wish I had more courage. It seems I am in this state of mind too often.

    Sad case – I have a great husband and a beautiful life (when you really stop to think about it). But – these moments take hold and I have, nothing. Sometimes I think I wasn’t meant to be.

    But, I’ll be here. Suffering – until the end.

    — MourningDove

  65. This feeling has been creeping up inside me since my mother tried to kill herself when i was in 8th grade. I cut myself because it feels amazing, and calms me down. I cry A LOT and want to cry about everything. I feel like the loneliest person in the world, and no one ever cares. I am an only child, and my parents dont really spend time with me, no one really spends time with me. Ive hated my life for a while now, and dont know what to do about it. I dont want help, and i have thought about killing myself, but dont ever know if i could go through with it. I hate my life now, and i suppose im still keeping myself alive because i wanna see how things go when i grow up. The future is the only reason im still here.

    — Elona

  66. I’m 27 and a sufferer of severe depression. I am lucky that I have a loving family that tries to understand me. I’m a lawyer and high achiever, but my condition has always had an enormous impact on my life, and it’s always there, like a weight that never moves. It breaks my heart to hear all these stories – people’s bodies and minds ensnared in so many ways. It’s a beautiful chorus of souls crying into a dark and infinite night. Remember you are not condemned. Keep testing the boundaries of your condition and practice patience.

    — Harry

  67. well i’m 17. I know i suffer from depression. it kinda started after my best friend died when i was 13. from then on i’ve been in depressive moods. even with my wonderful boyfriend and amazing friends i still feel sad at times and suicidal even. i was convinced to talk to a teacher who is getting me help soon. i’m just waiting on a call… my mom doesnt help me and my step dad just puts me down every chance he gets. my father is clueless. i’ve cut myself in the past which i regret everyday. i get panic attacks almost evrytime i cry. but i go to school putting a fake smile on so no one has to see what i feel,feel what i do.i’m glad that there are people out there that actualy has felt what i’m feeling. it makes you start to feel not so alone.

    — Stephanie

  68. Can relate to all of this…Have done a lot of personal study about depression, anxiety, etc. For me, meditation is what helps best. Also buddhist philosophy is helping me a lot to cope…we can try and use our depression to open our hearts…There is a tibetan master, called Lama Zopa Rinpoche who is very devoted to helping people with all sorts of problems, and he has some excellent advice, especially for people with depression. There is a book called Transforming Problems Into Happiness, how we can transform adverse circumstances into positive ones. Also one can check on the following website: www.lamayeshe.com and then continue to ‘teachings’ then ‘emotions’.
    Good luck to everyone, we are all in the same boat i guess…

    Sven

    — Sven

  69. I feel trapped…

    — Hali

  70. I hurt inside. No, wait, INSIDE inside. It’s no ache or pain. It’s constant, feels like its eating out my self. I only lose it when I get some sleep-but it is present again even before I’m fully awake. The only way I can free the demon is to kill myself. It is coming to get me.

    — B Hadey

  71. I’m 13 years old, and I’m constantly depressed everyday. At school, I feel like me, but at home I feel like no one understands me. Sometimes at school I feel that way. All I do is go on the computer then go in my room & listen to music or watch t.v. The only time I’m happy is when I get something I want, or I accomplish something, like good grades. I’m very worried about my report card that’s coming out next week, because my mom is strict on what grades I get. If I get a C, I’m in HUGE trouble. And I’m worried about it, and I can check my grades online because I forgot my password, & my account for login got disabled. Now I don’t know what to do.

    — Jackie

  72. hey everyone.. well im only 15 and for new years i got very drunk on whiskey :/ and past out and now im starting to feel the depressing side of alcohol. i know im to young but life seems to make things wrong at the moment. Reading these stories has shown me that im not the only person who has these feelings, an how wrong i am to have judge others.

    i know this site is more about alcohol but it mght help for some.. i used to be happy most of the time and alcohol has all of a sudden killed it. hope it helps (:

    www.rcpsych.ac.uk/mentalhealthinfo/problems/alcoholanddrugs/alcoholdepression.aspx

    -lucy x

    — Lucy

  73. I have always known how things would be, how things would all turn out for me. I’ve never had high hopes and I know I won’t make anything of myself. But I do know the one thing that gives me the slightest satisfaction in life is giving, and I think i might just spend the rest of my life doing that. At least then maybe I will be remembered for something.

    — Sam

  74. i am a 13 year old girl, and i don’t know whether it’s depression or just a phase as my teacher told me. i feel i want to just get out of this life i’m living in. i always stay in my room with my music turned on and cry my heart out. i just want to go and leave all of this pain and misery. Nothing in my life seems right. nobody cares; nobody listens. i don’t want my life anymore. i want a life filled with joy and happiness. i don’t want to live my life anymore. i want the life i used to love living. i want my friends back. my family back. i want my life back. i wish i would just return into being an eight year old girl without this pain and without worries like these.. i really don’t know what to do with my life.. people tell me why am i always depressed.. instead of helping me getting through all of this.. i always help people and when i need someone standing next to me, i realize that nobody’s there.. i just want my life backk..

    — Jessica

  75. It feels as if I’m trapped inside my own mind. Feels as though I’m looking through a veil at the world. My senses are dulled. My zest for life has disappeared. Life has eroded away my fervor. I’m tired of living.

    — KJ

  76. I just randomly found this site. This describes how I’ve been feeling all my life. But how do I know I’m depressed? Part of me says I must be and the other part just says that everyone else is allowing themselves to live stupid-blind-happy lives as sheep. So I don’t know what to think. But I think I’ve found someone who really cares about me and if I keep my behavior up then I’m going to lose that person for sure. I don’t know how to get help though or where is start. I’m just glad I found this list cause I felt like I was the only one. The thing is I never considered depression as an option because the way I feel doesn’t seem “wrong” like I’m different from everyone and I need medication. What if I get put on medication and become a fake person, not being true to how I see the world? The depression described in this list is definitely nothing like those stupid drug commercials you see on TV.

    — Leela

  77. When I’m depressed and find it hard to make the smallest decisions, when everything seems hopeless how does one “go get help”? Especially if you don’t have a family doctor that is sympathetic. It’s takes a lot of energy to try and get help. Something that depression sucks out of you.

    — Eva

  78. awe. when i read this it reminds me of my grandmother who used to have this sympton before she died… she committed suicide. To this day I am very upset about it, and it happend four years ago. =,(

    — Yvonne

  79. Everything I accomplish is without meaning. I feel like I have created this game that is impossible for me to win. It feels like it is all my fault that I can not be happy.

    — Abby

  80. I’ve had this for a while – I’m a 15 year old and when I was 12 experienced loss of both my grandparents and this year I’ve experienced several abusive relationships which has knocked me about a bit. I’ve tried to tell my mom but she says “aren’t we all” and it feels terrible when my friends ask me what’s up – I can’t actually physically explain it.

    — Georgie

  81. Hey everyone – join the crowd. But listen, it’s not about YOU, it’s about your BRAIN. Depression is a physiological disease and there is currently NO CURE for it. You’re not as whacked out as you THINK you are. You need to seek help, get on the right meds, and PRAY for a cure soon. But don’t pray to God, he can’t help you.

    — monk

  82. I’m thirteen, almost fourteen now. And I have had depression since I was ten. I never tried to kill myself, and I don’t want to. But… sometimes life gets way too hard. But we just gotta pray and hope someday this life will make sense.

    — Amanda

  83. I feel like everyone sees me as a joke. I worry a lot about work- about losing my job and not being able to find another one (because if I’m the big loser I think I am, who would hire me?) I worry that the people who supposedly care about me just don’t anymore, or if they still do, they won’t for much longer. I feel slighted by every little comment. It’s exhausting.

    — Ann

  84. I’ve been depressed almost my whole life. I have tried so many depression and anziety medications, but I can’t seem to stop the feelings of dying. I have never attempted suicide but i think abou it most of the time. i see other people as having their lives together except for me. I feel so alone like i don’t feel connected to this world.

    — Libby

  85. Depression becomes who you are. You can’t feel or think about anything but depression. It feels like your in a bubble and all you can feel is pain and sadness. You can see people and you can see that they love you but you just can’t feel it. My depression gets so bad that my legs go numb and I can barely walk. All you feel like doing is crying.

    — Mariah

  86. Anxiety is what you feel. It flows through you like blood but blood never hurt. Sleep is the the only answer I have found, it is no wonder people decide to do it forever.

    — christopher

  87. I suffer from severe depression and axiety and feel like sometimes i just want a girl to talk to and hug becuase i feel so alone and sad. I feel like my social axiety and depression get’s in the way of me being able to live a normal life. I Feel like i have no more left in my tank sometimes to go on in life and i just want to stay asleep for the entire time so that the pain goes away. I suffered from physcotic paranoia, axiety, and breath taking depression. It has disabled my life and i feel sometimes nothings gonna get better and i cry and wish i could be the happy person i once was. The only things that makes me happy and relize that everythings gonna be okay is god. For the people that have no hope and want to find an escape, go to god. listen to the christian radio station known as family radio on f.m. staion. Be sure to listen to it at 8:30 to 10:00 p.m on weekdays and it will change your life. love y’all

    — kc-

  88. I’m 13 years old and i been depressed 4 like 3 years now im tried of life im tried the way ppl treat me and the way my brother treats me he treats me like if i were a dog am tried of it it seems that dieing seems so welcomeing,asureing,and a good feeling i dont know what 2 do if i should die or not some 1 help me i need help please if some 1 even care give me some advise before i kill myself and that mite be really soon i dont no how soon but it mite really soon so some 1 please help me> :(

    — Melissa

  89. I will not get help. I just keep praying. Asking, at the same time, if I’m talking to the ceiling. Since I was very little, I thought I was going to be alone. Nothing told me right out, I simply knew it. I think about it every day. I will graduate from a good school, become a successful writer, and visit my family for holidays. And still be entirely alone. The worst of it is, I’ve told a horrible lie. To my best friend, my confidant:
    She questioned my life plan. I spent half an hour going on about how I didn’t care if I was alone—just me. Living day to day with no one to hold my hand because I don’t need it!
    But that, you see, is my greatest fear.

    — Jude

  90. Life is not always the easiest thing to get through, especially when your suffering from an illness that people just don’t seem to understand. It hurts me though to hear of people giving up all hope and wanting to end there life. As someone who suffers from GAD I know that there is always times when life feels like it’s just to overwhelming to handle; but in every darkcloud there is a silver lining. You may not realize it now but we all have a purpose in this world, whether you believe in a higher power or not. There is always treatment out there, and though results might be slow they will come as long as you believe. Please don’t give up hope, there is always a reason to live and someone who cares. Sometimes you just have to think about it, love always.

    — Shawn

  91. I have struggled for years with depression it has destroyed a lot for me.I have lost all my friends because of it because they didn’t understand or care.Its like waking up in a prision cell personally. You feel trapped and alone.You have a hard time doing normal things like brushing your teeth and concentrating.You look for some kind of relief but you know the pain will return.Depression is the silent killer and it destroys plenty of lifes almost mine.But you got to keep going because it will end I promise like 2pac said“keep ya head up” I hope you guys do godbless

    — hopeful

  92. I don’t know if I’m depressed or if I’m just going through life. But I feel as if my mind is clouded and I can’t think clearly. That if the fog would just go away I’d be able to see the world clearer. When I speak, I can’t say what I want because the clouds wipe out my thoughts and instead words come out, that aren’t bad things, but they are not what I wanted to say. Writing this now I feel fake. Like I force this emotion on myself. Everything I feel is wrong. It’s all because of the clouds, if only I could see clearly.
    I want to feel better but then again I don’t. I won’t be special if these feelings go away, there won’t be anything to separate me from everyone else.

    — me

  93. Finally, it’s all come to a head, I’ve now lost everything that would have prevented me from killing myself. My 2nd wife recently left me, I’m unemployed, broke, and suffering from uncontrollable diabetes just to name a few of life’s precious gifts handed me…

    I’ll not stick around to indulge the added emotional blitzkrieg, torrent of depression and panic that loosing my home and the last sliver of dignity will bring. Sounds like a great deal of freaking fun, but no thanks, I’ll pass…

    I’ll tie up as many lose ends as possible before I check out. Hate to be a burden to anyone. Only question now is, would making it look like an accident be worth the added effort. It’s looking like it would be.

    I wish you all the best, I sincerely do.

    — Scott

  94. well.
    1. my first boyfriend cheated on me with my best friend.
    2. i gave him another chance and i fell in love with him, he said he loved me too (LIE)
    and then i dumped he for the millionth time which never seemed to bug him but this time he never came back, after he went out with all of my closet friends.
    3. my mom abuses me.
    4. my friends dont care about me at all.
    5. im not smart, preety, or good at anything.
    6. my dad never cared he never even called untill now , but he doesnn’t care.
    7 we never visit family ever.

    Iwanttodie.

    — calie

  95. I have this feeling like everything lacks meaning, almost as if I have given too much into my own idea of happiness and contentment. When I am happy it feels fake. When I am sad it feels exaggerated even when it is cutting me. I think I am in constant war with myself and my surroundings but all I want is peace. I hate myself for feeling pain when no harm is given to me, I feel like puking when I treat others badly for my own insecurity and obvious narcsism, but it is at times fully who I am. That is what makes me constantly fantisize it being over, I don’t know how to be good to people when I am so afraid. Depression is (I know it’s cheesey) but it is a mask, I feel like hiding all the time.

    — Cait

  96. HELP!!! I don’t know why I feel this way. I have a wonderful partner, two step sons, dogs…a great job (that I currently HATE)…

    But I just am in a hole…feel lost…can’t find my way out!

    The stress is compounded by tinnitus (ringing in the ears…) The more stressed I am…the more it rings/buzzs… A vicious circle.

    Bad decisions follow one after the other…and now have sold the family home and everyone will be out in a few weeks and what then? I’ve destroyed not only my own life but my partners and the kids…

    And for what? I’m 50yrs…and feel USELESS… I am past half way…and could have enjoyed my life but instead have taken my partner for granted. WHY did he stay?

    I feel guilt, anger…but also unbelieveably tired and just ‘lazy’…

    I can’t get motivated at work…and the thought of 10 more yrs here is too much to handle…

    What do I do? Stop the world…I want to get off… The mess I leave behind…is something I wouldn’t want others to have to clean up though ;-(

    — Trevor

  97. It’s the feeling of doom I struggle the most with. It’s always thinking the worst is going to happen. It wears me down.
    I get angry easily and feel what’s the point. Is this it? Is this all life has?
    Crying is a relief in the end but the gut wrenching pain as tears well up from the bottom of my everything is painful. Puffy eyes, gasping for a breath, painful painful painful.
    Then comes the guilt. Why would I feel this way when I have so much. Ungrateful guilty as charged.
    Who do you talk to? Little secret i don’t want anyone to know about. Can’t talk to anyone, they don’t understand. Why would they? I can’t describe the feeling it’s just there ruining things. I think the Dementors in Harry Potter would be a good visual of how depression makes me feel.

    — Jennifer

  98. Depression truely feels like hell on earth … I have a good life but mentally it doesn’t feel as if I do … I feel empty all tge time …. Winning the lottery wouldn’t help at this point …. Don’t give up tho stay strong People … Belive in yourselfs and well being…. The storm will pass overtime .. Good luck to all

    — Tony

  99. I can’t say for sure when it started and I didn’t recognize it until the symptoms seemed to exist all day. Insomnia was a problem and I was crying all the time. I couldn’t listen to music or watch movies/TV except for sports because those activities always seemed to make me cry. I’d exercise and be crying…I’d go to bed crying. Eventually, I didn’t want to go to work, I didn’t read, I didn’t cook, I only did what was necessary to get through the day. The worst moments were when I would be around a group of people, like at a football game or something, and then this warm feeling comes over you and you are suddenly filled with dread and you feel like you are the loneliest person in the world.

    — Cheryl

  100. I don’t even know how I feel. I just know that everything irritates me and I want to run from the world. Nothing really matters that did once have meaning, and so much scares me. I spend most of my time shaking and stressing about this world, thinking that the only way to save me is dying. my heart feels heavy most days. I don’t know what to do anymore, i just wish that life was not like this.

    — me

  101. I have slipped into a deep depression since being laid off. I feel like the world is my enemy, I can’t sleep, I have constant headaches, and no energy to do anything. I have nothing but free time, yet my house is always a mess. I’ve started drinking on a regular basis and taking sleeping pills just to pass out and excape the dreadfull feelings I now carry around.

    — Nichole

  102. sigh Depression sucks. . .
    And a lot of people just tell me that I’m being an angsty teenager and that my life just really isn’t that bad. But I’m not some whiney little kid crying over something stupid. I don’t care about anything, I’ve lost interest in MANY things that I once loved. I’m always sad, even if something good happens. I’ve never gotten pills or anything to help, I don’t want anything like that, I just want happiness. I’m a pretty good writer, and lately, I’ve been writing things that really disturb me, and I don’t know why. . .I think it’s not getting over all the many things I’ve lost in life I’m not exactly sure…
    Please, someone, tell me what you think. Maybe I am just some whiney kid, or do I really need help??

    — Sylar

  103. What if you just don’t care about anything. like you don’t care to live nor die but committing suicide would take to much effort.
    would that be depression?

    — Remf

  104. The old things that once gave me joy, such as sewing, cooking, reading, discussing anarchist philosophy and feminism, punk music, being with my boyfriend…these things mean almost nothing anymore. It feels like almost everything means nothing to me anymore. I feel like I’m floating through life. I keep having obsessive thoughts that “I don’t love my boyfriend” because I can’t feel much connection to him or anyone anymore because I’m so…gone. It feels like im gone-in my heart, in my head, in my body. The obsessive anxious thinking is the WORST. I would take lying in bed all day crying over the obsessive scary thoughts. They make me feel guilty, which in turn depresses me more. I feel so alone. Like I’m in a pitch- black tunnel and I see this shimmer of light, like I LITERALLY can close my eyes and see it, but it feels so far away. Like I’ll never reach it. I feel so exhausted. Everything is forced, living is forced because I’m not living right now. I’m merely existing.

    — N

  105. I’ve been depressed for four years. It started when I started being emotionally abused, every day, all day, for two years, and it didn’t go away when the abuse ended. I think I have PTSD too. I could just be permanently fucked up in every way possible. I’m going to see a psychiatrist today and I feel incredibly anxious that she might not give me anti-d and I might feel this way for the rest of my life. I find this ironic, but not funny enough to laugh. I just cry instead.

    — Paige

  106. I relocated a little over a year ago to be with my boyfriend and within 3 months had a massive anxiety attack. Ever since I have felt more or less nothing for my boyfriend and obsess about this every second of the day. I doubt everything in my life. It’s like I can’t reach him or feel connected. I am so depressed. I don’t know if the depression started first or the lack of feelings, it’s so muddled. I don’t want to break up from him however, I want to be with him.

    Does anyone else feel this way?

    — Turquoise

  107. Reading this made my jaw drop, Every little bullet point is what i go through day to day. I feel abnormal, like everyone else in the world is blind, and only I am seeing what is wrong with life, only I am suffering. Misery loves company, ha, it’s true. I like the feeling of knowing I am not alone. But I don’t wish anyone depression, or to suffer, I hope soon one day we can find some relief, in something.

    — Makenzie

  108. I just feel soooo alone. I can’t talk to anyone. When I go to the psiquiatrist I’m unable to explain all that I’m feeling. My family keeps laughing at me, it seems so as they refuse to believe I’m depressed and think I’m just a drama queen. I can’t stand them anymore.
    I love my boyfriend, but I can tell he’s so tired of me crying with no reason and my mood changes, tired of me not talking about it. How could I tell him I want to die?
    I isolated myself from friends, closed my facebook account, stopped checking my emails, if ocassionally my phone rings i don’t answer it. I just don’t want people to know what’s going on in my life.
    You know how you sort of get a sore-troat when holding your tears? I feel it all day long and can’t wait for the day to end so i can release them. The pain is so bad I feel like choking and my head hurts continuosly from the lack of air.
    Also, i’m a failure, literally, I’ve failed in every attempt of making it into a career.

    — Roxanne

  109. i dont know if im depressed, when im with people i can put on a mask, smile and laugh and forget myself. thats all fine. but the moment i get home and im alone, it all floods back. the self haterid, like a grey fog. when i go to bed im tired but i cant sleep because i keep going over and over things that cause me anxiety, its funny, im most honest with myself in the moments i feel like im falling into a pit of dispair because im not blocking it all out.

    the most frustrating infuriating thing is the way im constantly picturing my own suicide. it was distressing at first but now its just a dull picture in my head and a feeling of hopelessness as i realise that even the act of taking my own life would make little difference, im only 1 in 6,000,000,000 and totally alone anyway. noone would care.

    i just want to know how to be happy

    — lost

  110. It was the dreams. The multitude of negative, vivid dreams that left me waking up feeling mentally and physically exhausted and afraid of what the day was going to bring me.

    Getting out of bed was a struggle, not helped at all by my sore limbs and drained mind. Then I would walk miserably into the kitchen, unable to smile or talk. A hot coffee mug in my hands was the sole simple pleasure that helped me through the morning.

    I contemplated suicide every day. My waking hours were tinted with gray. I didn’t feel like myself anymore. I kept imagining people hating me, being angry at me, and I would wonder whether I was worth liking.

    Anxiety was the merciless, cruel ruler of my mind. Perfectionism haunted me. I began to fear school, and felt like crying on the morning of each class day.

    — Elly

  111. depression is a huge monster that has gobbled me up and I am inside its belly, and I cannot scratch my way out, and sometimes it will puke me out, and I think I am free, and I start to run down the sidewalk, I start to skip and to sing, and I am almost at the park, my hand is opening the gate, the other children are on the other side playing with their families, and just as I am about to step through the gate, the giant monster grabs my hem and drags me back down his belly, and I scream and scream and say, NO!! I want to play with the children, I don’t want to go down the belly, I want to be with my family, but it is too late, I am inside the belly, and the monster has closed its mouth again, and is going to keep me inside long enough to torture me, and then, when I am so close to ending it all, he will spit me back out just to watch me run towards the playground again… and to start it all again

    — maria

  112. Well I’m about to go see my phiciatrist, but alot of what yall are saying is kindof how i feel,, it’s kind of like that song The Unamed FeelingBy; Metallica, just don’t give up,, i feel like giving up but i’m not!

    — Teceira

  113. I hate myself, plain and simple. I’ll look at a friend, or a stranger, or anyone and think, “Why are they so happy?“I cant talk to people anymore and I’ve become bitter and full of spite about just everything. I can’t look at children anymore without becoming pissed off while thinking about how happy I was as a kid. Everything seems unhappy, and even in situations where I should be ecstatic, the only thing I can think is, “This is a good thing.“No emotions anymore. I wish I could cry or something…

    — that guy

  114. There is only one word to sum up my feeling…

    worthless

    — The person you abused once to often

  115. I have read many of your posts and I am sorry for your suffering. Many of you have said that life is just not worth living. I hope you are getting help through therapy, medication, spiritual counseling, etc. I was searching about depression and found this site. I felt depressed today and have days where all I want to do is watch TV, sleep, and be a couch potato and then I feel guilty for doing that. I can relate to many of the symptoms of lethargy and lonliness. I am married with a son, but can still relate to feelings of lonliness. I know that when I am helping or serving other people I feel better. When I am by myself is when I feel the worst. I do believe in Jesus and want to make it to Heaven one day to live forever. I won’t take my own life for any reason but sometimes life can feel hopeless when you are surrounded by negativity. Try to do things that make you feel better instead of worse. I will keep all of you in my prayers.

    — Tracy

  116. “You feel as though you’re drowning or suffocating.”

    This is just exactly it.

    Every little thing in life feels like an insurmountable task. I don’t want to do anything but sleep, and the only reason I do get out of bed is because my pets need someone to take care of them and because I don’t want my grades in school to slip. None of it makes me happy anymore.

    I also feel an incredible amount of guilt for nothing in particular and everything in general. Sometimes I will force myself to go out with friends and I’ll start to feel happy but then I’ll think about a past mistake or a current shortcoming and I’ll get a sinking feeling in the pit of my stomach. I’m on the verge of tears more often than not. I am collapsing in on myself.

    — Elizabeth

  117. Yesterday I took a sleeping bag, several pillows and towels into the darkest room in our home. I sealed as much light out of as I could. I covered my eyes with the remaining towel and it was as close as I could come to feeling safe. I’m not sure of what I felt safe from or why I needed to lay on a tile floor at 10:00 in the morning to get any feeling of comfort. Depression grips my soul, mind and heart and only relents when it tires of me…but I know it will be back, it always is. Like so many others, I too do not find joy in the things I once did.

    — 58

  118. I’ve been depressed for a while. I feel like I don’t have any friends to talk to that would understand. I don’t want to talk to family cause they will just be worried, and I would get annoyed at their advice. I can’t seem to study, which is what I really need to do. But every time I hit home after work, all I want to do is sleep and when it’s time for me to get up, I can’t. Or don’t want to. I feel my depressed mood has pushed away friends before, which makes me more depressed. I understand what people mean when, they wish they weren’t here. And why sleep seems to be the only repreive. It’s why I think I don’t want kids. Life just hurts too much. Either cause we make it so in our minds, or it just does.

    — anon

  119. I feel like im going crazy that im going to wake up one day and be a vegetable. My head doesnt work like it used to, and i feel no emotion towards anything. I laugh but not a real laugh i smile but not an actual smile. I want to sleep allday beacuse i dont think im capable of doing anything else, when Really i want to go to normal when i worked and had fun with my friends and family when i laughed and planned for my future. But now it feels like what future you cant even get off the floor. I feel like im brain deaad and theres no way to fix it. So whats the point of going on?

    — jackie

  120. I’ve always hated myself and felt alone like im in a dark corner and every1 just walks by and don’t notice me. 20 of the 23 above things about depression apply to me is it possible that i suffer from depression?

    — anonymous

  121. I hate myself. I see myself as a worthless burden on my family, my boyfriend, and the world in general. I would like nothing better than to die suddenly in some accident so they don’t have to live with the pain of my suicide. Like others have said, I merely exist. I have nothing really to “be sad” about, and that’s what makes it worse. The guilt is overwhelming. The only thin rays of light in my darkness are my cat and my boyfriend, and even with them it feels off. Nothing feels good. I want to die, but I’m too much of a coward to end it.

    — Ki

  122. I have a lot of the same feelings on this list. I am awful to my husband and I don’t even know why he is still with me. I would never put up with the things he has to put up with. It is something different everyday. I don’t know if I love him anymore. The sad thing is, he hasn’t done anything. It’s all me. I can’t even give him a reason why I feel this way about him because I don’t know myself. It’s just there. Everyone I talk to irritates me. I can’t stand to be around anyone. My daughter spends a lot of time with my mom while I just sit around crying and not doing anything about it. I’m tired of feeling this way. I want help. I just don’t know what to do.

    — T

  123. My 11 year old was thinking of suicide. She grabbed a handful of my pain meds. She even laid out the dress she wanted to be burried in and left her will. This website helps me understand her emotions a lot more. We have an apt tomorrow with her therapist.

    — yf

  124. The other day I was feeling really low, and hopeless. There are so many reasons which contribute to these feelings. After reading through these articles, I don’t need to share my story, but I do need to say that I understand. I am a Christian, which in ways, makes me feel even more guilt for my feelings of depression and thoughts of hopelessness. These feelings, however, are very real and very much human. They are common to us all, no matter who you are. Maybe they vary in degrees and intensity, but they are still common. I have prayed for all of you, and then I went to my churches web site. I clicked on a link that I beg you to watch. www.calvarychapelaurora.com The message titled: Testimony Night#5 9/16/09 Thanks for sharing your thoughts, and God bless!!!

    — Jonnie

  125. I agree with most of these posts… I feel lost and in such deep seeded pain that I can’t seem to return from. Years of meth abuse has destroyed my ability to feel happy, safe or able to cope with life. The only peace I get is when I sleep. I pray for the morning not to come for I will have to face myself and my pain for another day. I do not have the guts (yet) to kill myself but I want to so badly. I have lost my job, my home and my happiness.

    — Ryan

  126. i have trouble getting out of bed. i feel pesimistic like the days gonna be a bad one. i’m always thinking about suicide. i used to cut my wrists, drink vodka, and just lie dorment and unfeeling. I’m only 14 and i’m tired of people always trying to pin it on puberty and saying its a phase or because i’m growing up. i dont even know anymore if i am. every day seems like a week every week a month and every month a year. sometimes i just want all this to end. i have good friends and family that are keeping me in the fight. this message i’m just using as a release. things havn’t gotten better but they will soon i hope… i know god can help me though. maybe this message will be read by him and he’ll help me. thanx for letting me release these emotions. maybe i’ll have a good day today.

    — just me...

  127. It feels like no hope, like standing still in a dark tunnel, it feels like a dark blanket it feels like being in a dark foggy world. If there is a respite for say a day something happens again that takes hope away. I’ve tried pills, I’ve tried drugs. It seems to get worse for me as I age. Nothing seems to matter anymore. I’ve already lost my job my career. I watch other people having happy lives and I have no hope anymore that mine will turn out better. I don’t care about things anymore, not concepts, not material things,nothing brings excitement or joy anymore. I keep wondering when God is coming for me and why I am still around.

    — Jen

  128. Yea. Um. I rlly don’t know how to go about doing this.
    I guess u would consider me depressed. Its hard for me to pull Cs n school. My family just bombards me with crap day in and day out. I have tried to commit suicide. Its not that I failed or messed up at trying it, its just tht I lost the will to move the knife up. I cut myself every once n awhile. ‘Bleed just to know ur still alive’ or whatever tht is. I rlly don’t want to b happy. Or at least I don’t think I do. I’m scared to find out what would happen if I wasn’t depressed. Who would I be? What would I be? I guess I’ve just gotten so used to being this way, I don’t think I could go another.

    — kolten

  129. In the list above, two things struck me. One was that it is hard to hold a conversation. This is so true. I can’t seem to enjoy glib small talk. I don’t want to do glib small talk. Most of the time I just want to avoid people.
    The other thing that struck me is that it feels like there is a glass wall between myself and the rest of the world. I’ve gotten to the point where I know that no one will really know me. No one really wants to know me. They want to know a facsimili of me, but not me. I’ve learned to keep myself away from people because I will eventually get rejected. People will only tolerate so much of me before they back away.
    And the irony in all these miles of walls that protect me; I am lonely.
    But I don’t want to hurt people and I feel like I always do.

    — Marcia

  130. i dont know if im trippin or is this real , but all these symptohmps been going on know for months , dont know how to deal with my self any more and besides that my boyfriend wanna leave me to and it just hits me sooo hard ….really dont know wich step to take i feel so hopeless ,useless dont know how to deal with that situation …that my bf gone leave ….i really dont know what is going to happen when he is gone !!!!!!! i need his help and support to make things better again for me in live …….plz can someone give me a good advice to make the first step into a better part of my life ,.thx

    — jessica

  131. This song is how I feel
    Metallica Fade to Black

    Life it seems will fade away
    Drifting further every day
    Getting lost within myself
    Nothing matters, no one else

    I have lost the will to live
    Simply nothing more to give
    There is nothing more for me
    Need the end to set me free

    Things not what they used to be
    Missing one inside of me
    Deathly lost, this can’t be real
    Cannot stand this hell I feel

    Emptiness is filling me
    To the point of agony
    Growing darkness taking dawn
    I was me but now he’s gone

    No one but me can save myself
    But it’s too late
    Now I can’t think
    Think why I should even try

    Yesterday seems as though
    It never existed
    Death greets me warm
    Now I will just say goodbye

    — craig

  132. My real brother is not felling well, since last 2wks, I spend more then 10days around the ICU, around him.
    Now he is bit batter, we are sure he will come out from this situation. but after coming back from the hospital (staying in the different country with my wife & sweet daughter) felling very low, just thinking about him (my brother – 41ys old) & my self as life is quite unsartain..
    Felling very low, sleepy ………..
    What should I do.

    — Saurabh Khurana

  133. Depression…that’s been my life’s journey. A journey no one should even have to be on. I’ve tried the path of drugs which only gave me every side affect plus some. I’ve tried every type of doctor, non-traditional help, everything. I then searched through every religion on this earth to find a better path that might lead me to a little peace. Nothing helped ever – nothing. I live in darkness, while the world is spinning around me. There doesn’t seem to be any sense to anything – no purpose in anything – no reason for anything. What was all of this for? The source that created all of this….for what purpose? There is so much suffering in the world. Not only us with depression, but all types of suffering. I wish I had a magic wand for all of you out there – I want all of us to end this journey to nowhere. I feel like I’m addicted to it – but there’s no help. I too don’t want tomorrow to come. I’m tired of this long long journey. This must be hell.

    — Cindy

  134. I sleep for long periods of time. I wake up happy, energetic and excited because I tell myself it will be a new day. Then I feel nothing. I could be talking to a friend, and then during a funny conversation I will suddenly feel dread, anxiety, and not really sure of why. Usually around 1-2 in the afternoon, feelings of anxiety pummel my body, and then the rest of the day is left with me walking around feeling numb and my brain trying to desperatly find a reason for why I feel this way. I usually take it out on my boyfriend, always dreading irrationally that he will do something to me to make me angry.
    I try to hide it from him, I try to hide it from my friends and family, but they know. They know my depression is getting worse. I need help. But I don’t know what to do. I feel lost and the feelings dont go away.

    — Jasmin

  135. I’m having more days of feeling like this and it really affects my family the most, my wife has left me and I struggle to keep communicating with my two kids who still live with me. At work I seem to be able to get through the day but when I get home it hits me hard. I love my family and have no desire for anything or anybody and have had thoughts of ending this struggle. I wish I could enjoy life again. I feel so alone and so tired. G

    — gord

  136. I have/had depression. I often ask myself sometimes why and what happened to me. And I have thoughts of suicide yet I know it’s wrong of doing so. At the same time, I’m also trying to seek for help. But it’s also so hard for me to seek for help as well. I also think about how much I missed certain precious times in my life until now I sometimes don’t know who I am anymore or what my life is. I often don’t like myself at times. I receieve negative comments from even those I love. And certain past issues has left a scar in my heart that never seems to heal. I feel like dying but yet some part of me can’t. I don’t know where to go sometimes. I feel compltely lost. I hate the fact that when I’m depressed it hurts the ones I love who care about me. And the ones who need me. And that HURTS.

    — Samantha

  137. The hardest thing for me right now is seeking help. I have been too ashamed and afraid to admit to myself that I am having a problem coping day to day. I never want to leave the house except to go to work. I venture out to the grocery store only when absoutely necessary.The passion I had for cooking is gone. My zest for life seems so sour. The food once so flavorful is now so bland. I jump at every sound, I am irritated constantly. Will this dark cloud ever be lifted from so high above my head moving forward
    falling backward
    fires that burn
    silently
    until the rain comes to
    rescue me by the side
    of this emotional road
    Each day we go on this merry go round
    you make my smile just that much stronger
    I cross the magnetic fields
    to my side of the street
    can I cross back?
    your eyes tell me stories
    without words
    and yet you know all of the things
    I want to say
    I let this wave come and go
    in the distance as it is prettier to watch
    than to catch…
    shine on my friend
    shine on

    — Lisa

  138. I cried when I read this. I didn’t think I was depressed, but that was before I realized two-thirds of this list applied to me.

    — Khloe

  139. I have been through this before and i have to say that it does go away. For me it lasts months at a times and it is the most misrable feeling anyone could possably go through. I would not wish this on anyone. I’m currently going through it again and i feel like there will be no ending this time, but we have to be patient because it may feel that it’ll never go away but it will i promise. Praying and supportive family and spouse is helpful and I know it’s hard but patience. To anyone who wants to or have tried to take there life PLEASE DONT. Pray and ask Jesus to take this pain away. He dosen’t hand us anything we cant handle or eventually shake. Good Luck to everyone and God Bless.

    — Michelle

  140. A few years ago, a colleague asked me “What does it feel like?” as we walked across campus. I told him “It feels like I’m trying to move my feet through molasses or something viscous, with heavy weights attached to me… while my hand is being crushed in a handpress.” It hurts and I can’t make any progress.

    “That’s descriptive…” he said.

    “Yeah…” was my response.

    — dave

  141. I lost my son nearly 15 years ago and my wife never let it go. I felt like I got past it and things were looking up. Then my wife commited suicide and left me to take care of our daughter alone. I’ve lost my job and any happy thoughts I used to have. I keep up appearances for the sake of my daughter and have never told her how her mother really died. I’m never happy, I don’t want to do anything, I don’t even want to sleep. I’m certain things will always be bad because everytime things start to make a turn for the better something else happens. I want to die but I know if I do it will destroy my daughter and I can’t do that to her. She is the only thing that keeps me going.

    — Doesn't Matter

  142. I just feel alone. There are four other people that live in my house and I still feel like I don’t belong. I have a boyfriend and he’s always upset with me for being “sad all the time” like he says. I’ve been unemployed for the past eight months and I feel like there’s no way to escape my financial, emotional and mental strains other then death. I’m always thinking of other people and myself dying in horrible ways. I used to like to dress up and hang out with friends but I’ve lost touch with all of them since I moved. They don’t need to see me this way anyway. I wish I could kill myself but it’d hurt my family too much. All of my relationships are fading. I’ve begged, pleaded, threatened and yelled at God to take me. I believe my time is coming. I hope I’m right.

    — Veronica

  143. When I am depressed everything feels flat. The trees which usually give me a sense of pleasure and wonder are ugly. I feel guilty about neglecting the housework and slacking at work or not interacting with my family. Everything is intense effort, if it gets done at all. I don’t get pleasure from anything and I get very, very angry very quickly, and then it is back to flat, but at least it’s something. Things pass me by. I read a paragraph and realize I had no idea what I had just read. Thoughts I can’t push away come to my mind of bad things happening that are outside of my control. It is all only made worse by knowing that it is temporary but I can’t find the energy to fix it.

    — miri

  144. it started raining when i was sixteen, a cold drizzle that took all the colour out of the world; under the weight of that rain i literally sank to my knees; its been cold and damp ever since; prozac helps a little, the others have side effects that outweigh the benefit; the black clouds are always there, the day is dull, the night full of panic and alarm; its been raining now for nearly fifty years.i turn to face the rain and the shadows shift around me, the howling wind inside me still, the misery an underground spring welling up; its so unfair.

    — mark

  145. I have no reason to be depressed. A beautiful family, home, perfect life. Recovering from a serious illness caused me to become a non-functioning member of society. Now that I am well I haven’t been able to “kick” the depression. I have no will to get out of bed and long for the way it was 2 years ago. I barely leave the house – EVER. My children deserve someone who is in the world. They need the old mom, the one with energy and a positive being. The daily tasks are overwhelming. I don’t feel sad, just useless.

    — Lisa

  146. for the past month i have been crying all the time or shouting at my family for nothing i feel like iam in a long dark tunnel with no light at the end i sat and looked at a razer for an hour just thinking that i could make it all go away and i wouldnt have to worry any more i have not been to a doctor but does anyone think i may be suffering from depression i dont know bcause i also suffer from sleep apena and they have simerler simtoms

    — sarah

  147. My depression feels like its eating away at me. I feel as if nothing I could ever do would ever bring me happiness. I feel as if the point of being here is no point at all. Its feels as if we die and achieve nothing we waste our time here for nothing. People try to tell me everything will be okay but I feel as if I don’t understand. My head it hurts and my guts it aches. I feel lost and I don’t know where im going. It has got to the point where I don’t remember me or who I use to be. Im not happy with who I am or where I at. i feel as if all I ever will achieve is just a number on a statsitc chart.

    — quinton

  148. What drives me crazy is the way depression makes you feel like a hit and run victim every time it hits. Just when your feeling good and stable, WHAM!, it hits you with no warning. I can have a great stretch and then one day I’ll just wake up in the altered state of depression… kind of like a bad hangover that doesn’t dissipate. I feel like every time it attacks a small part of me is lost and life is changed forever… like brain damage from a concussion. Does anyone else get hit with such abrupt and sudden depression?

    — Chris

  149. My depression feels like I am slowly drowning. I can’t concentrate, can’t go to sleep at night and can’t wake up in the morning, I’m forgetting things, nothing makes me happy and everything irritates me. I feel I don’t love my boyfriend anymore and I don’t know if it’s the depression or how I really feel. I feel that I should be happy because I have a job, home, things, etc. but that makes me feel worse because I’m not happy. I worry constantly about everything. I work and work and work, never getting a vacation or rest and I still can’t afford my bills. What’s this all for? I want to go to sleep and never wake up again.

    — Julie

  150. Everything is overwhelming. A crumb on the floor makes you curl up in a fetal position and cry when you know that all you have to do is get out the broom and sweep…and that is just too much…you think of how many times in your life you will have to sweep and the immediate, single instance becomes insurmountable

    — Lee

  151. Depression feels like a blob of goo that moves when one moves and the blob of goo is what the depression does to you :-(

    — Evie

  152. I was so glad to come across this site.
    I was diagnosed by my doctor with ‘mild’ depression a year ago, and I thought it was all connected with a crappy work situation I was in. I’m now out of that and feel worse than ever! My sex life with my wife has become almost non-existent because my sex-drive disappeared, and I’ve been wondering lately if I even still loved her and wanted to be with her anymore. This site hasn’t made those feelings go away, but helped put some perspective on them.
    I couldn’t describe how I felt until I saw this site, I do feel like I’m drowning, I constantly have that feeling of impending doom. i don’t know what to do….

    — Chris

  153. i feel jealous every time someone i know dies ,i always wish it was me i just want this life over

    — marie

  154. I truly hope those of you who are TRULY Suicidal/Depressed will go “Out There” and get help,or find help.
    But,for those of us who have dealt with this since “Birth”…and have tried Soo many many different meds/treatments,on and on…..Ohh,not including the MULTITUDES of Surgeries to deal w/the CHRONIC Pain.
    I wish y’all Luck.
    I am a “Back Slider”,so I know where I will be going.Crying shame of it is. I will end up in the same place as the various perverts who molested me as a child(Sodomy)and abused me as a young adult.
    PLEASE y’all go “Out There” and get help while you still can.

    Y’all be good, Morgle B. Snurd

    — hell if i know

  155. Wow. Yeah I’ve been through all this before. I’d like to shed some light with knowledge obtained through my own experience. To the people who can’t get enough sleep… it works kind of like this, the more you sleep the more tired you are. The less you sleep, the less sleep you begin to need (although less than 5 hours a night isn’t healthy.) Anti-depressants saved my life at some point. Although finding which one is right for you is a hell within itself. It takes weeks for the medication to fully work, and if it’s the wrong one it makes you feel worse off than before. Then you can’t just stop taking it, you have to wean yourself off, and then start the whole process again with ANOTHER med. It can suck, but it’s so worth it to find something that makes you feel better. To the rest of you people, despite the fact that I learned this tidbit through years of drug addiction, I still have one wonderful, beautiful, magical little word for you all… XANAX.

    — Victoria

  156. I am writing because I have dealt with anxiety,panic attacks and depression off and on for 6 years. Over the past 6 weeks, I have dealt with depression again. I am taking meds but not really taking enough (according to my doctor), being that I am taking a small dosage of meds due to my sensitivity to meds. It’s like I am stuck—can’t take more because of my chemistry, and this small dosage is not enough. I wake up and can feel the instant sadness, the non-motivation, the fatigue, the irritable bowel syndrome, the nausea. It hurts so bad. It feels like a disease in my body. I have had many of many tests done over the years and there is nothing wrong other than that I have anxiety and depression. This really hurts and I wouldn’t wish this on anyone. I want to feel better so bad, but trusting God that I will real soon.

    — Psalms

  157. I have had anxiety attacks and been going through spouts of depression for about 2 years, I never really grieved the loss of my father 6 years ago i think … but what i feel when i speak to people is high heart beat, anxious thoughts and the list goes on. I’ve been with my partner for 5 years, and we’re engaged – this anxiety/depression has made me doubt my love for him so many times, but i always end up pulling myself through because i DO love him … he is the most amazing person and everything i could ask for plus MORE … if anyone has any advice for me i would really appreciate it. x

    — Mel

  158. Every morning is very difficult. I am just happy in bed without breakfast,lunch, dinner and shower.

    I don’t have energy to do anything. Going toilet to pee requires alot of effort.

    — WK

  159. I feel like I am in a strange place, far from home. I have lost most of my friends by getting irritable. I get bad grades at school because I can’t focus and I often cry. My head is blocked up with other peoples emotions. I can’t sleep anymore . Im only 13 and I have tried to kill myself 3 times. People call me emo because I cut my wrists

    — Emily

  160. I feel almost every single thing. I just dont want to kill myself.. i have thought about cutting, but i dont want people to see my pain. everyone expecially family makes me ANGRY cause they dont know how i feel… and they try to help and its like they cant and i yell and them. I cry ALL the time… sometimes for no reason, and other times just because someone said a sarcastic joke. I feel horrible all the time, and i just want it to end.. Im thinking about telling my mom… because i KNOW i need medicine.

    — monica

  161. Depression… for me its always why. Why get up? Why eat? Why sleep? Why type this right now? Why care? Why die? Why live? Why speak? Why think? Why open my eyes? Why go to work? Why quit my job? Why hope? Why be happy? Why be depressed? Why love? Why hate? Why excercise? Why overeat? A desperate search for MEANING.
    I have figured some stuff out that helped me I guess.
    1. Something only has value if YOU give it value- That includes LIFE
    2.Everything IS pointless- so it doesnt matter if you win or lose. Fail or succede. So don’t worry about it.

    — Hugo

  162. Well, it’s a good thing I saw this site tonight. I was going to kill myself tonight. In my case, it actually would be a good idea, because my depression is a huge burden on my entire family and is hurting my youngest kid (who himself is depressive), and the sooner I am out of the way, the better for all concerned. But we had a suicide in our immediate family recently, and I feel that it would be unfair for the family to suffer another one. It’s not that I matter so much—I really don’t—but my husband thinks I do, and the kids might notice. I didn’t want to be like this, but I guess I have an embarrassing mental illness.

    — Little Jen

  163. nothing is ever ok.

    — Aaron

  164. my terrible depression has lasted for one year..I lost myself, i lost focus, i cried nonstop day and night -24/7..nothing made me happy, i was hopeless in life, i felt guilty about everything, i lost the sense of life, every night i had nightmares, i could not sleep, i could not concentrate on anything, my memory was really slow, i’ve started to avoid people and lock myself in the closet, i tried to make something and believe again in life, but Nothing helped me, i felt i was totally destroyed, i felt that i don’t belong to this world anymore…i feel much better now, but
    it’s still comes up and goes away.. Depression- i call hell , my darkness world that covered me through the year, that dropped me from everything, that almost made me losing my mind..everyday i questioned myself -what for ? why? and then i got to an emergency room..

    — Panter

  165. I wake up in the morning scared. scared because I know the negative thoughts are about to hit me. And they do, in seconds. I worry ALL day, i have a combination or anxiety and depression, one builds on the other. I worry that I don’t love my girlfriend, when I look at her I don’t feel anything, but I dont feel anything when i look at anything I used to love. My world feels literally small and dark, I can’t think clearly into the future, I just don’t know anything. I have moments of clarity where I smile and laugh when i think about my girlfriend and then all the worry just comes straight back. It sounds petty but i can’t control it at all. Im so scared. this site helped me alot. I’m soooo lonely, every day. I can’t eat, physically sick with worry. I need someone to tell me I’ll get through it!

    — N

  166. I am plagued with relentless thoughts of death. Not of dying but of the reality, the nothingness of death to which we are all headed. I can’t wrap my head around the idea of that “nothingness” and as I try, I begin living it. The constant thought that nothing matters because everything ends and I even start wondering what my reality is, maybe my life is just imaginary, an illusion, how can I be “something” now and then be “nothing” forever after. I can’t make sense of my existence even though I go through the motions interacting with others. Are they figments of my imagination, or am I a figment of someone else’s imagination. It is a desperate and exhausting struggle, trying to make my way through another day.

    — S

  167. I am a Zombie. I breathe, sleep, eat & shit…but that doesn’t make me “alive”….I am no more alive than a houseplant. I have even lost the ability to cry or feel anything! I’m always exhausted…no matter how much I sleep! That’s why I’m an insomniac! Suicidal thoughts: I tried to kill myself once a decade ago…I came pretty close! I rented a motel room; got drunk; got naked on the bed and placed a grocery bag over my head to try to suffocate myself! I thought the liquor would help make it easier…not so! The pain of lack of oxygen was too much too bear…even for 3minutes! So I tore a hole for my mouth…to breathe…damnit…I was soo close to PEACE! Why i failed? Because I decided not to handcuff myself(yes. I brough handcuffs because I knew I would “wuss” out…which i did). Before I tried to kill myself…I wrote a few letters to my family to apologize and to assure them that it wasn’t their fault…but my own. I was a flawed person…and I felt like the Midas touch king…except everything I touched turned to shit!-Zombie

    — zombie

  168. i wake up feeling like i’m living a life i don’t want. i don’t remember the last time i felt truly happy. i long for the past, even when i know i felt the same way, if not worse, back then. everything takes a tremendous effort. its mid afternoon and i’m still wearing the clothes i slept in. i know i have a good life, i know i have everything that should make me satisfied…but i feel nothing.

    — jennifer

  169. For me its like it will never go away. Some days its okay others it is very bad. i dont want it to be this way but it is. It hurts me alot because my 6 yr old sees me i know he is a huge reason to not feel like this but i do and i cannot help it. Most of the time i want my life to just end.

    — Mary

  170. I crawl forward,
    all my effort,
    knee over knee my neck,
    twisted to see the fog,
    and the beyond drowned,
    help me through the thin veil,

    I want to love again,
    I want to want again,

    my legs strengthen,
    the sky briefly blooms blue,
    hands leave the dirty ground behind,
    fresh air slides sexy into my lungs,

    something invisible hacks at my shoulders,
    I stumble,
    palms pressed into the gravel once more,
    knees dirty,
    all my effort

    — G

  171. My friend got cancer and i was jealous of him and wish i would become sick and die because i am to scared to kill myself, my life is so boring, nobody likes me, nobody calls me anymore, i have no dreams for my future i just want to die

    — Greg

  172. I felt like I couldn’t escape from depression. Nothing in my life could register any positive emotion. Everything just made me feel worse. I felt like I didn’t have the energy to do anything. i was frustrated with the people and the world around me. I felt like I had no true friends and nobody really understood me. It was like i was in a deep dark hole and I couldn’t find any way out.
    I almost committed suicide but I had a sort of revelation about my life and things got better from there.
    I came accross this quote, that was something like “anyone can die but it takes a bigger person live”
    or something
    I don’t think that was quite right
    but that was the jist of it

    — Mot

  173. All I know is that I want the pain to end. I don’t want to live like this.

    — Anon

  174. It’s like circling the drain and waiting for the end to finally come as you try to pull yourself away from that awfull abyss that represents the end of all that you know and cherish while holding on to hope and determination with the expectation that one day you will finally see that light on the horizon and mount that strong white horse and ride off into the sunset with the love of your life at your side and the wind in your hair. It is a dream unfulfilled, love unrequited, and hopes dashed on the rocky shoreline of your life that spurs you on to another day of challenges and loss as you cirle the drain and wait for the end to finally come as you try to pull youself away from . . . . . and on and on it goes until the repetition of life can no longer be borne and you wait for the end to finally come as death encircles you and takes you away from all this madness that we call life.

    — Gay

  175. What you all say is true. I too also understand the pain of depression. I have attempted suicide at least 5 times in my life i am 22 years old and i already feel dead. No matter how i tell myself i wanna be happy i just cant find it regardless of how hard i try everything fails that i try i cant even keep a relationship going without that failing too. i am dying inside and eventually it will become a reality for me. i dont know if i can fights this anymore. i wish i had a sign but i dont know where to find it. i dont know if ill ever find it. im scared because i dont know if ill ever escape

    — Mat Mitchell

  176. I dont understand how sad i feel all the time
    its been four months and its starting to make me go loopy in the head! and want to do stupid things which could hurt me and the family!
    Tantrums were always my thing and that was how i expressed my emotion!

    The reason i have noticed a change in my self is because all my emotion is coming out with alot of tears!

    I cant begin to explain all the thoughts running through my head! and im avoiding everyday life! which means im failing school running behind in my dancing! and never satisfied to work at all! and on the weekends i just get incredibly smashed! and i can tell you this much alcohol is not the key answer to feeling better!
    It makes you more depressed and not happy with your self at all!

    im still going through all the emotion nowww but writing it up feels like im letting it all out!!

    I will be doing this more often!
    It takes timee!

    — Em Cagg

  177. Life is not easy to live , if you have people around you who make you feel as if you are an outsider or something , life is not easy when sincerest of your friends turn away from you at the time of need ,My life is like that , i am afraid how long will i be able to last with this one

    — Ali

  178. you hide behind a’happy’facade knowing your family don’t understandd.you wonder why me again,how awful must I be.How do i get to feel again…should I leave so nobody can see me like this….why can’t people leave me alone I’m nobody,I JUST CAN’T COPE ANYMORE,as you do get better,you always wonder how long before the next time…

    — d

  179. Depression for me is feeling on the verge of tears all the time, esp. when hearing a sad songs. I am in recovery for addiction to pills. Although I am doing very well, the depression is still there, despite the anti-depressants I am on…(anyone taking Effexor?)
    Mornings are hard, just getting dressed takes almost all day. I am a stay at home mom, and sad that my only child will be in high school next year, then eventually leaving, getting married, etc. also thinking about the past-(family members I have lost, pets…) and the future (others I will someday lose) is very scary.
    I change stations if any sad songs are on, as they just make me feel more depressed…
    Reading these posts do help, as I was searching for a place with other’s experiences, as no one else who does not have this disease cannot really describe how it feels…The commercial for Cymbalta even makes me sad…Very scary that this disease hangs on for years and years. Cannot remember when I felt truly happy…(except when married, and when daughter was born)
    Good luck to you all.
    Becky

    — Becky

  180. I am in so much pain. Physically my body aches my head hurts my stomach is always upset. I convince myself I have some terrible illness the fear won’t go away I became withdrawn eventually my friends stopped calling and I’m alone. I stay in my room feeling pathetic constantly anxious i get up go to work body aching brain in a fog I just want it to either end or get better. My doctor tells me i’m doing it to myself nothing is worng with me and to just stop. I wish is could flick that switch not even back to happy but flick it on the normal but i can’t

    — Cheryl

  181. I’m going through the anger stage. To all the ‘normal’ people out there who are blessed with not waking up each morning trying to figure out new ways to avoid eye contact with the mirror in the bathroom: I am depressed. I am SORRY if this makes you feel slightly ‘uncomfortable’ but hey, SUCK IT UP! I would give my left foot and every dollar in the bank if the worst thing i felt in a day was ‘uncomfortable’!

    — Lisa

  182. I just don’t want to be here anymore. I am tired- I am beyond tired. Life has no joy- life is a chore. Everyone wants a piece of me. I give and give and it is never enough. There is so little left to give- I have nothing left.

    Would I be missed? Perhaps for what I do for people I will be missed- but not me. I am not loved- I am needed- I am used. I am the person who cleans up everyone’s mess. My sacrifices help fix the bad decisions of others. No one hears my cry for help- no one wants to listen. I only have meaning when I deliver- no one offers a helping hand when I am tired. They see I am tired- I tell them I am tired- yet they ask for more- and I am trained to give …. until it is all gone- including my spirit- my being- my life.

    — Roy

  183. I feel powerless to save my livelihood, my marriage and my happiness. I feel frozen with indecision and procrastination. I haven’t done a lick of real work for several months and that makes it worse. My spouse hates me. I hate myself.

    — Bob

  184. I don’t know if this is part of depression,but i’ve been crying a lot for months.I feel like a hypocrite and a disgusting person most of the time.There is guilt for not helping out the people that i care for but i just didn’t lift a finger to help.So alone,even when there are so many who care about me.Dreams feel unrealistic and untouchable.I’m only aware that i’m growing old.Future feels bleak.Familiar and foreign places scare me.Routines are boring,relationships fail.everything is so boring.

    — someone

  185. It helps to read these comments posted. I just recently admitted to my spouse that I am depressed. I have struggled with it since I was a child, but have not had the courage to ask for help. There is just so much baggage in me that I can’t drop or don’t know how. so many mistakes that cannot be undone. I always feel like an outsider. Like everyone else has it all figured out. I want to be happy and live a long life, but I get knocked down by these thoughts in my head when I least expect it. Why does it have to be so much work to want to live a happy life?

    — T

  186. I am 13 years old, my life was a mess, but i knew that deep deep deep a million times deep inside i didnt WANT to die, i have learnt that people do suicide beacuse it feels like it would take off alot of relif, it dosn’t. Because when you are dead, what is there to feel, nothing, so you wouldnt feel relif, would you? if i put barrier across your shoulders with weights on the end, and i kept piling the weights up, you would still try and stand-up, you wouldnt fal down on the ground, because it would stii hurt you, because there would be nomore hope,and no more Hope hurts. Would we be here if there was no reason 2 be? i think not. and i beleive that if a 13 year old can keep going, you can.
    Sincerely,
    Kate.
    P.s if you managed have read this far and managed to stay alive for this time, that means there must be some hope, and now that you have managed to read this and not do anything stupig, treat yourself, you deserve,
    and i should know… : )

    — Kaite

  187. I’ve just realized that I’m depressed and my story is much like some people that have posted here. Daily life has no real meaning, joyful moments are fleeting, the purpose is gone in my life and I want it back so badly. I do still smile and laugh from time to time, but the heaviness sets back in quickly. After reading some of these posts I realize that I’m not alone and that I really am depressed. I questioned it for so long since I still was able to smile. It’s been holding me back and I’m so sick of it. Thank you all for helping me realize that I’m depressed and for now being able to accept it and treat it.

    -James

    — James

  188. It feels like a living hell to be blunt. I cannot remember a single day in my 40 plus years that I have not wanted to die, hated myself, resented God and my parents for my existence. I wish I never was because then there would be no pain, no suffering and no remorse. Even as I write this down I want to die and wish I had the guts to do it myself. Life is suffering, misery, pain without hope. The only guarantee in life for me is that i will suffer again and again until I finally sleep for the last time. The only hope for me in life is looking forward to the day I don’t wake up above ground.

    — Mike D

  189. It always comes back at random times. There’s no escaping that. Some people aren’t meant to be happy. We are examples of these people. There will be times when we are happy, but it will always come back one way or another, it just takes something to trigger it off.

    — Catherine

  190. For the first time in my life i feel lost, like i really don’t know who i am , sometimes i think about commiting suicide , and what makes it worse is as soon as i start thinking about suicide i feel even worse for feeling like this in the first place, i used to think i was a strong person but i give up, everywhere i go there sees to be just something blocking my way. i just dont know what to do

    — Tim

  191. I’ve spent countless hours searching to find out what’s wrong with me and all I ever found were general symptoms of depression and anxiety. Tonight I stumbled upon this site and found many people who feel the same way I do. I am so miserable and at times I get so frustrated that I want to do something bad because maybe if I suffer consequences then that will reassure me that I’m real. This site has given me a glimmer of hope in that I’m not the only one like this and so there has to be a way to treat these feelings of insanity.

    — Jeff

  192. I just feel so worthless. My husband doesn’t “believe in” depression and thinks I’m being lazy and using it for an excuse. Maybe he’s right. I just can’t seem to sync up with the rest of the world…I’m five steps behind. Depression is the most selfish disease, but then you feel guilty all the time, then you hate yourself, then feel depressed again, then guilt….it just goes on and on. I just want to go to sleep and never wake up.

    — Daphne

  193. Suddenly losing all your physical power – even holding a pencil is difficult, or holding your head up. An acute need to rest.

    Not being able to breathe – having to walk out of meetings and classes to just sit down and concentrate on breathing properly.

    Suicidal ideation – not necessarily being suicidal, but as you walk every rooftop you see is a potential jump, every car that rushes past you is a violent way out, each bottle of pills you see gives a mental image of an overdose, sharp objects make your skin crawl and so on… You’re not really considering it for real, but the thoughts repeat themselves in your head, and everything is a trigger. You’re more aware of death than ever before.

    — Jen

  194. I always felt inferior, quick to criticize myself, although I know I am smart, but that does not makes a difference.
    I am too sensitive to pain upon me or any other creature, the concept of torture crushes my heart and drive me to sadness and anger.
    I feel life is just a stupid chemical whom try to copy itself, very insignificant and absurd.
    At age of 33, I started taking medication, things got little bit better, now I have mood swings instead of constant sadness..
    The only hope is I know someday it will all end.

    — Bill

  195. My heart hurts. I hate myself because I am the most selfish person in existence. Whenever I say something as the words leave my mouth I am wishing I hadn’t said them, because everything I say sounds so SO STUPID or SO PATHETIC. My additions to common conversation are disgusting. I am constantly calling myself names. I wish harm upon myself, but at the same time I’m constantly paranoid and frightened that something awful is about to happen. I think of my failures and the things I am incapable of. I think of how I’ve disappointed everyone in my life. I think of how I want to die. I wish for a drunk driver to hit my car. I think of things I wish were said to me. All these thoughts cause the pain in my heart. Sometimes it’s a dull feeling like the blood is just leaking out of it. Sometimes it’s intense waves of pain and I have to press my hand to my chest in attempt to make it stop. I can’t trust anyone because I’m not worth anything. There isn’t a point to being loyal to me or loving me.

    I don’t believe in myself anymore.

    — Dana

  196. I have been feeling useless and repressed my feelings for almost 8 months now. My memory has gone to waste, I ask questions to fill awkward silences but I don’t actually listen for the answers. I force myself to lay in bed till I fall asleep. I have completely lost my appetite and my sex drive. I do not have the courage to kill myself because of the guilt I would give my family. I constantly hope for something fatal to happen to me as long as it wasn’t my fault.

    — Danny

  197. I agree… it’s an existence, but barely. I’m frozen in fear, can barely leave the house. I’ve stopped cleaning, stopped organising, stopped thinking. I don’t love.. I don’t want to be around those I should love. There are no friends. There is no career. I am not an adult in my head. I am a helpless infant trapped in a woman’s body. I’m more of a child than my child is. I pray every night before I sleep that I won’t wake.. my family is better off without me. I am pointless and empty. My existence is pointless. I want it to end. Yet I’ll probably wake up tomorrow, and go through it all again. I don’t want to die.. but I’m scared of living – it’s something I wasn’t taught to do. I hate feeling sorry for myself, but not matter what I try to convince myself of… it never works. I am already dead…

    — Anna

  198. Everyday seems like hell, when i go to bed at night i can’t sleep cuse i start thinking about how bad the next day is gonna be.
    I cant seem to focus or do anything without struggeling aloth. I cant seem to be able to feel any emotion without sadness hopelessnes.
    To for every hour that goes at a day i feel worse and ‘‘weakned’‘ and at the end of the day i’m close to taking my own life…
    This goes on again and again and again.
    Every day…
    To i dont seem to find help in any way.. I’m just a highschooler. so i dont know how to get help without making it worse for myself..

    — Aleksander

  199. I am ashamed of feeling this way. The more I try the less I succeed. I’ve struggled with self image and self esteem for most of my life. I want to feel loved but when someone tries to get close to me I push them away, I become paranoid of their intentions, I don’t see why someone would want to be with me. I can’t wake up without thinking how death is much more of an option than life. I can’t even cry anymore, I’ve surpassed that level, I cannot feel sadness, but repulsion against everything. I cannot accomplish anything, I’ve tried to fight this monster but it comes back to haunt me. I’ve been down for so long I can’t remember what being happy is anymore. Being depressed, well I can’t feel it, I live it. Depression is living in a maze, you cannot seem to find a way out, there is not shinning light at the end of the corridor, because there is no end.

    — africa

  200. i do not know at all what is wrong with me i have no clue if i have depression but i just feel strongly that i am not right. i am just about always mad at the world, mad at everyone, of course i do have high anxiety, it is like never-ending exhaustion, and i tell God that i would like to die :( of course i also have a sickness (ibs) which certainly makes me feel bad. but i want to know if something is wrong with me i feel like the only person in the world like me, who thinks like this, sometimes i feel like an “alien” cuz nobody else seems to think like me.

    — rachel

  201. what everyone been saying is exactly i ‘ve felt for the last 6 months. Always feels so painful inside, unworthy, no hope and always feel like ending my life. I don’t feel anyone would care if i’m exist in this world or not. my existent doesnt mean to anyone especially the those i care and love them the most. people always left me behind, i ‘ve lost everything there is nothing to live for , to fight for. Is that my life?? i kept asking myself all the times. WHat am i still doing here?

    — Annie

  202. Looking back, I have had depression most of my life.
    I am now retired and am unable to enjoy the free time.
    I am worse in the mornings-anxious, nervous, don’t want to do anything.

    Feel as though I am good for nothing.
    Spend most of the time on the sofa, not washing myself-just too much trouble.
    Only feel ok when asleep.

    Then I wake up and start all over again!

    — Jennifer

  203. RC, i feel pretty much exactly the same way you do. I too hate myself and feel so insignificant and numb, and lost… But don’t listen to the things your husband says to you. You should tell your husband that he should be more sincere and help you more through what you are going through, not make you feel worse.

    — Spencer

  204. I just want it to end. Nothing matters, I feel numb, putting on an a facade that everything is great is becoming more and more difficult. I hate myself and feel so insignificant. It doesn’t help that I married a man who constantly criticizes and disrespects me. I feel like he is right and I am better off dead.

    — RC

  205. My life just has no meaning, i dont even matter any more; Its ruining everything!:(

    — Becky

  206. Have you ever seen movies or commercials where you have someone in the center of the frame, standing stock-still, yet the whole room is moving around them at three or four times normal speed?

    That’s how it feels to me: The world is going on, and you aren’t.

    — L

  207. Every time i try and think about something that used to make me happy doesnt make me feel happy anymore, even happy feelings give me ansiety. I just dont get it i feel like this cloud is always over me and the sun will never come out. I would love to be someone else who doesnt feel this way. Ive lost my confidence and self esteem. I dont even desire to be in love anymore the thought of that also makes me feel depressed.I just dont understand. I really feel for people who are going through this, its a horrible feeling. But yet i feel so ungratefull knowing that there is starving people all over the world and here i am with enough food to feed four and i am still depressed. No matter how many times a family member will say ‘you should be gratefull your not starving to death or in the middle of a war zone’ and yet that doesnt take this feeling away. But somehow i still have a little HOPE.

    — AL

  208. I am Extreemly sensitive and tear up every time I see an animal, (even fish), shut up in cages, (or bowls with dirty water). My heart goes out to them with such intense sympathy that I have to force myself to look away. It’s gotten much worse lately. I love animals but that’s not it, I don’t think.
    When I see them, I see myself. I also am in a “cage”, alone, with no one to undrestand.
    I am So tired of Faking life and conversation when I am with people.
    Every Single Day it’s the Same Thing Over and Over Again… God, Please make it STOP!

    — Cheryl

  209. i know the feeling of depression already,
    and i’m in 7th grade.

    i’ve been having addiction with self abuse,
    and even tried to suicide TWO times.

    i cry for no apparent reason, and always cry myself to sleep.

    i would rest my head against the windowsill,
    and blast the music in my ears, blocking everything from me.
    i would put on fake smiles, and
    laugh to be a two-faced.

    — Jenny

  210. Everything is a catastrophe, even more so every bad thing that might happen. Nothing has any significant meaning, only suppressing my thoughts. I can’t be honest to anyone as to my real problems, I can’t hurt them (and myself in the process) with simply confessing I feel depressed, I keep up appearances and sort of die inside.

    I can’t cry, but I want to die. As I can’t hurt people close to me mentally by killing myself or others physically by choosing the only ways to commit suicide available to me (jumping from high up or jumping in front of a bus etc.), the feeling just boils over inside: I want to die but can’t kill myself. At the same time I just kill my emotions and keep a happy face on the outside: I’m locked-up. And drinking heavily as a cure doesn’t help the symptoms, just takes pain away a little while.

    — Just someone

  211. You know what N/A. You are right. Nothing is important, and i mean NOTHING. We are but an insignificant spec of dust in an everlasting field of space. Nothing I do, or anyone does means anything, and when I die, there will be nothing more. No afterlife, no reincarnation, nothing. I can’t wait until this happens, to go to sleep forever and never wake up… Life is nothing, it means absolutely nothing, and the more I think about that the worse I feel, and the more i feel like ending my useless, pathetic existence in this lame thing we call life.

    — Spencer

  212. All I can think is that I honestly don’t know. I don’t know. I should be studying for tests and working and focusing but nothing seems important. My brain tries to analyze everything but it just can’t handle it. I feel like I can’t even explain what’s wrong with me.

    — N.a.

  213. Up & down, wave after wave.
    The feelings surge with relentless power.
    Death must surely offer the respite from the anti social behaviour I’ve fallen victim to.
    I never viewed myself as a victim.
    Yet depression has claimed me for it’s victim.
    My will to live is lost…
    Trust me when I say this illness is real.

    — Phil

  214. i wake up every day and i just want to die. nothing gives me pleasure anymore. my family get on my nerves and i just want to curl up and sleep and never wake up. i’m so tired. yet no amount of sleep can take the tiredness and lethargy away. i think about my death all the time. i feel such a failure and useless. what is the point in living?

    — Robin

  215. I have only once before felt this terrible. I feel like a fake in my own life. I am despeite to be back to who I was before. I love my life and I am feeling like I an losing it. Nothing that I was excited about even as little as a month ago makes me happy- I got a great new job that starts in the fall and I am getting married this summer. I feel so terrible and fearful and sad right now that I cannot believe any of these things will happen and that it will be all my fault. With medicine and time and love I made it out of this before without destroying my life. I hope I can again.

    — D

  216. I don’t really want to “LEAVE”. It just seems as though my presence in this world doesn’t matter. I try to help people,but then they make me feel worse. I have lost hope in everything. I keeping waking up every morning and don’t know why. I’m sad and can’t laugh. Everything is boring and useless. I’m told to stop having “pity parties”. It’s not a party,I just hurt.My heart,my head, my body, everything hurts.

    — Elaine

  217. I feel like i am just totally numb to everything. I can’t do anything right and it is very frustrating. I find myself staring off into space and my mind is blank. I feel like I am nothing. I have dreams but I can’t function normally to achieve them. When I get through the day, I try and tell myself that I did good, but i just focus on what I didn’t do. I can’t remember ANYTHING except, that I can’t remember anything. Everybody is out to get me so I had better get them first. My mind tells me to go do something but my body just won’t pull it off.

    — marren

  218. It feels like being in a dark hole, and not being able to get out. You can see the light far away, with no way of getting to it. I am not worth anything nor worthy of anyone, at least that’s how I feel, although my mind tells me otherwise. It is a confusing state, no happiness, no enjoyment, no fun, why am I here, only for my family I guess.

    — onedayatatime

  219. Every single one of the above i am the same , i dont feel my life worth living , i hate life , i hate everyone aound me , everyone i see i could shout to high heaven at , i need help i no i do , i sleep for 12 hours and then get up and go back sleep , i dont no what to do , now writing this ive started to cry , how pathetic , over me just writing my feelings to the world

    — Matt

  220. i don’t know B.W. I have the same problem except I have trouble sleeping for more then 5 hours a night no matter what I do… But anyways, i’m gonna try to kill myself again pretty soon… any tips or ideas on how? im still not sure… any advice would be helpful

    — spencer

  221. Not much to add – you nailed it The one thing you missed was Sally’s quote “I am so tired”. I can’t figure out why I can sleep for 14 hours and still be exhausted.

    — BW

  222. Depression feels like being a tiny gray dot in the corner. Nothing matters, everything hurts, especially the weariness, especially the darkness. Head full of lukewarm lint, so there are no clear thoughts. No energy, so it is exhausting to lift a hand to comb my hair, so I don’t comb my hair: it is too exhausting. Everything makes you weary.

    Depression feels BOOOORING.

    — Adelle

  223. I have been suicidal and depressed for as long as I can remember. I have had suicidal thoughts for all of my life and even tried to kill myself once. I hate myself and just can’t seem to function on a normal level like everyone else. I am always angry with myself and have horrible thoughts like killing everybody and then killing myself. I can relate to you all here, and let me just say one thing. Keep fighting, and never give up…

    — spencer

  224. I’ve been depressed and suicidal most of my life—I am just so tired, I could sleep all day and night if I could—but I am mentally and emotionally exhausted too. My head and stomach hurt almost every day. My hands shake, I move like a turtle, I think and talk like one too. I feel like I don’t “live,” I only “exist.” I don’t want to die, but I hate the existance. If I can’t
    live, then what’s the choice? I am so tired.

    — Sally

  225. All i can say is this is the worse thing i have ever went through in all my life. Nothing feels real unless I am taking my neurontin, I am not sure WHAT that has to do with depression, b/c i am being treated for nerve damage. W/O this medicine I dont want to do NOTHING!!! I have never been a stay at home type person. I will do anything to stay in bed. I hate myself and I am not even sure If i want to stay married at this point…hell I dont even know if i want to live.

    — janie

  226. I can relate to all of you here. When I‘m not depressed I do not think of myself as a depressed person and do not like to admit that I will go through depressions where thoughts of suicide enter my mind. When this all first started I felt as if I was suffocating everything seemed much worse thn it really was because when my depression subsided and I thought back to the moments I felt helpless I remember thinking wow that wasn‘t that bad. It is not just an emotional feeling it is physical as well. My head felt like it was a thousand pounds and I‘d frequently get bad stomach pains. I‘d thik I was the most horrible person in the world and my therapist would ask me what have I ever done that would make me think that..I sat there blank..I had no idea but the feelings were real and very scary. After coming out I realized my whole family suffers from this. I thought no ..nobody feels the way I do..but after reading everyones comments I realize I am not alone and these feelings are very real but remember they are irrational! ALl I can say is that this will end ..you will feel happy again so don‘t do anything like kill yourself because it will end it will and you will look back at that moment and think “I am so glad I am here.” My depression typically lasts about 5 months where everyday I feel as you do. AFter taking medicine I know my thoughts are irrational and I try not to pay attention to them and continue to do the things I like to do because depression will not win!

    — Deanna

  227. When does it end? I ask myself the question every day when i go off to work and put on a happy face and come home and want to die the minute my real life hits me! Most people would probably laugh and get on with it, cancer, depression and feelings of suicide should not come into a normal life, this is why i do not feel that mine is normal and i need help!

    — Pauline

  228. I can more or less pinpoint the exact day that i knew things stopped feeling real it was 7 months ago even writing this now seems pointless. Its like im going through the motions, nothing bothers me, exites me, appeals to me even a walk in the mall doesnt get me going like it used to.

    — shahina

  229. While there are many resources on depression, one that impacted me the most is the book, \“Blessings In The Mire\” where the author talks about her son\‘s suicide. Having myself lived with the effects of depression on an innate level, and seeing the detrimental outcome of the illness, I relate to this book. I hope some of you out there get a chance to read it. It might shed some light on what you or your loved ones are going through.

    — Mellifluous

  230. It\‘s a struggle to do anything. Each part of my body feels like it weighs a thousand pounds. I ache all over and it\‘s so hard to feel happy about anything. My worst days, I can hardly wake up and I go through the day in a complete fog. I\‘m trying acupuncture now as I\‘ve tried meds before and I didn\‘t like the effects. Hope this works! Good luck to all of you out there suffering like me.

    — Ebony

  231. I\‘m writing this because I know first hand how BAD depression feels. It made everything around me feel dark. It was like a nightmare. I felt locked inside my head. Like when my arm falls asleep. My consciousness felt dead. I felt like I was battling for my sanity. I had hyper-somnia. I could sleep 12+ hours everyday. All of it filled with horrendous sudo nightmares. I felt the worst in the mornings. I would spend my mornings beside my heater wondering if this would be the day that my wife had to commit me. I would worry about how my wife would get a long when I was in the loony bin. I thought about how she would serve me the divorce papers after several years of unproductive electro shock therapies. I kept going to the doctor thinking that I was sick and as soon as my physical body was healed my mental symptoms would be cured. All the while I never complained of a single mental symptom worried about the stigma associated with it. I couldn\‘t leave the couch. When I first had an onset of symptoms I drove around frantically looking for someone because I didn\‘t want to be alone. I felt like I had been dosed with an hallucinogenic substance. I felt hopelessly messed up and knew I\‘d be there the rest of my life. Things got better SLOWLY. I finally told the doc about the mental symptoms. I got the anti-d\‘s. I started sitting on my porch swing 10 minutes at a time. Six months later I had a job. Two years later I\‘m a teacher. Yep, it still scares me but it hasn\‘t came back full on yet. Hopefully it won\‘t with the right treatment and lifestyle.

    — N/A

  232. While I was going through my depression, I felt like I was living in a dream. Nothing felt real and it scared me. Everything I looked at looked fake and it seemed like I couldn’t touch it. It was a horrible feeling. My dad described his depression as “ black and white”. He felt like he was living in a world that was dull and boring. To anyone that feels this way I just want to let you know that what you’re going through is very scary and uncomfortable but it will pass. You will be happy and be able to live life normally. It all takes time and patience. Try not to get frustrated because the way you’re feeling will eventually subside. I wish you all the best!

    — Candra

  233. I have been having depression all my life. Only intill 7 months ago,I tried to kill myself. I have been on and off prozac and currently not working But this has better understand depression I have.

    — myself

  234. Its been three years now. I didn\‘t realize that until I stopped smoking pot/other drugs and drinking an obscene amount of alcohol on the weekends. Even though that sounds out of control it wasn\‘t really to me at the time. I was simply not allowing myself to feel what was really going on inside. My depression feels like I am being suffocated. Like there is an anvil on my chest that won\‘t go away. Nothing has a point or meaning anymore. Such a feeling of insignificence, dirtiniess, like I am not even a person anymore. All I want to do is cry, but I don\‘t feel as though there are any more tears left to cry. Anxiety is an understatement.

    — Erika

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