“It was not really alarming at first, since the change was subtle, but I did notice that my surroundings took on a different tone at certain times: the shadows of nightfall seemed more somber, my mornings were less buoyant, walks in the woods became less zestful, and there was a moment during my working hours in the late afternoon when a kind of panic and anxiety overtook me…” - William Styron, Darkness Visible
Sometimes the Depression Self-Screening Test is just too clinical, and the symptoms don’t really “click” with you. Some of the criteria are general, and if you’re suffering from depression, specifics are easier to understand. I know that I might not have diagnosed myself with depression just on the basis of those symptoms. I had no change in appetite, and no sleep problems (waking up was what was difficult). Below are some un-clinical symptoms.
- Things just seem “off” or “wrong.”
- You don’t feel hopeful or happy about anything in your life.
- You’re crying a lot for no apparent reason, either at nothing, or something that normally would be insignificant.
- You feel like you’re moving (and thinking) in slow motion.
- Getting up in the morning requires a lot of effort.
- Carrying on a normal conversation is a struggle. You can’t seem to express yourself.
- You’re having trouble making simple decisions.
- Your friends and family really irritate you.
- You’re not sure if you still love your spouse/significant other.
- Smiling feels stiff and awkward. It’s like your smiling muscles are frozen.
- It seems like there’s a glass wall between you and the rest of the world.
- You’re forgetful, and it’s very difficult to concentrate on anything.
- You’re anxious and worried a lot.
- Everything seems hopeless.
- You feel like you can’t do anything right.
- You have recurring thoughts of death and/or suicidal impulses. Suicide seems like a welcome relief.
- You have a feeling of impending doom - you think something bad is going to happen, although you may not be sure what, and/or...
- ...You have a very specific fear that torments you constantly.
- In your perception of the world around you, it’s always cloudy. Even on sunny days, it seems cloudy and gray.
- You feel as though you’re drowning or suffocating.
- You’re agitated, jumpy and and anxious much of the time.
- Your senses seem dulled; food tastes bland and uninteresting, music doesn’t seem to affect you, you don’t bother smelling flowers anymore.
- Incessantly and uncontrollably into your mind comes the memory of every failure, every bad or uncomfortable experience, interview or date, like a torrent of negativity.
Note: I wrote this a few years ago, and it has made its way around the Net uncredited. If you want to reproduce it in any way, please look at the terms of the Creative Commons license at the bottom of the page.
Also see How Depression May Affect Your Life. Archived comments in response to this article can be found here.
Please feel free to post your comment about what depression feels like. Don’t post:
- Questions about depression
- Comments on how you think it should be managed, including finding God
- Requests for other people to email you
- Your depression “biography”
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Its been three years now. I didn\‘t realize that until I stopped smoking pot/other drugs and drinking an obscene amount of alcohol on the weekends. Even though that sounds out of control it wasn\‘t really to me at the time. I was simply not allowing myself to feel what was really going on inside. My depression feels like I am being suffocated. Like there is an anvil on my chest that won\‘t go away. Nothing has a point or meaning anymore. Such a feeling of insignificence, dirtiniess, like I am not even a person anymore. All I want to do is cry, but I don\‘t feel as though there are any more tears left to cry. Anxiety is an understatement.
— Erika
I have been having depression all my life. Only intill 7 months ago,I tried to kill myself. I have been on and off prozac and currently not working But this has better understand depression I have.
— myself
While I was going through my depression, I felt like I was living in a dream. Nothing felt real and it scared me. Everything I looked at looked fake and it seemed like I couldn’t touch it. It was a horrible feeling. My dad described his depression as “ black and white”. He felt like he was living in a world that was dull and boring. To anyone that feels this way I just want to let you know that what you’re going through is very scary and uncomfortable but it will pass. You will be happy and be able to live life normally. It all takes time and patience. Try not to get frustrated because the way you’re feeling will eventually subside. I wish you all the best!
— Candra
I\‘m writing this because I know first hand how BAD depression feels. It made everything around me feel dark. It was like a nightmare. I felt locked inside my head. Like when my arm falls asleep. My consciousness felt dead. I felt like I was battling for my sanity. I had hyper-somnia. I could sleep 12+ hours everyday. All of it filled with horrendous sudo nightmares. I felt the worst in the mornings. I would spend my mornings beside my heater wondering if this would be the day that my wife had to commit me. I would worry about how my wife would get a long when I was in the loony bin. I thought about how she would serve me the divorce papers after several years of unproductive electro shock therapies. I kept going to the doctor thinking that I was sick and as soon as my physical body was healed my mental symptoms would be cured. All the while I never complained of a single mental symptom worried about the stigma associated with it. I couldn\‘t leave the couch. When I first had an onset of symptoms I drove around frantically looking for someone because I didn\‘t want to be alone. I felt like I had been dosed with an hallucinogenic substance. I felt hopelessly messed up and knew I\‘d be there the rest of my life. Things got better SLOWLY. I finally told the doc about the mental symptoms. I got the anti-d\‘s. I started sitting on my porch swing 10 minutes at a time. Six months later I had a job. Two years later I\‘m a teacher. Yep, it still scares me but it hasn\‘t came back full on yet. Hopefully it won\‘t with the right treatment and lifestyle.
— N/A
It\‘s a struggle to do anything. Each part of my body feels like it weighs a thousand pounds. I ache all over and it\‘s so hard to feel happy about anything. My worst days, I can hardly wake up and I go through the day in a complete fog. I\‘m trying acupuncture now as I\‘ve tried meds before and I didn\‘t like the effects. Hope this works! Good luck to all of you out there suffering like me.
— Ebony
While there are many resources on depression, one that impacted me the most is the book, \“Blessings In The Mire\” where the author talks about her son\‘s suicide. Having myself lived with the effects of depression on an innate level, and seeing the detrimental outcome of the illness, I relate to this book. I hope some of you out there get a chance to read it. It might shed some light on what you or your loved ones are going through.
— Mellifluous
I can more or less pinpoint the exact day that i knew things stopped feeling real it was 7 months ago even writing this now seems pointless. Its like im going through the motions, nothing bothers me, exites me, appeals to me even a walk in the mall doesnt get me going like it used to.
— shahina
When does it end? I ask myself the question every day when i go off to work and put on a happy face and come home and want to die the minute my real life hits me! Most people would probably laugh and get on with it, cancer, depression and feelings of suicide should not come into a normal life, this is why i do not feel that mine is normal and i need help!
— Pauline
I can relate to all of you here. When I‘m not depressed I do not think of myself as a depressed person and do not like to admit that I will go through depressions where thoughts of suicide enter my mind. When this all first started I felt as if I was suffocating everything seemed much worse thn it really was because when my depression subsided and I thought back to the moments I felt helpless I remember thinking wow that wasn‘t that bad. It is not just an emotional feeling it is physical as well. My head felt like it was a thousand pounds and I‘d frequently get bad stomach pains. I‘d thik I was the most horrible person in the world and my therapist would ask me what have I ever done that would make me think that..I sat there blank..I had no idea but the feelings were real and very scary. After coming out I realized my whole family suffers from this. I thought no ..nobody feels the way I do..but after reading everyones comments I realize I am not alone and these feelings are very real but remember they are irrational! ALl I can say is that this will end ..you will feel happy again so don‘t do anything like kill yourself because it will end it will and you will look back at that moment and think “I am so glad I am here.” My depression typically lasts about 5 months where everyday I feel as you do. AFter taking medicine I know my thoughts are irrational and I try not to pay attention to them and continue to do the things I like to do because depression will not win!
— Deanna
All i can say is this is the worse thing i have ever went through in all my life. Nothing feels real unless I am taking my neurontin, I am not sure WHAT that has to do with depression, b/c i am being treated for nerve damage. W/O this medicine I dont want to do NOTHING!!! I have never been a stay at home type person. I will do anything to stay in bed. I hate myself and I am not even sure If i want to stay married at this point…hell I dont even know if i want to live.
— janie
I’ve been depressed and suicidal most of my life—I am just so tired, I could sleep all day and night if I could—but I am mentally and emotionally exhausted too. My head and stomach hurt almost every day. My hands shake, I move like a turtle, I think and talk like one too. I feel like I don’t “live,” I only “exist.” I don’t want to die, but I hate the existance. If I can’t
live, then what’s the choice? I am so tired.
— Sally
I have been suicidal and depressed for as long as I can remember. I have had suicidal thoughts for all of my life and even tried to kill myself once. I hate myself and just can’t seem to function on a normal level like everyone else. I am always angry with myself and have horrible thoughts like killing everybody and then killing myself. I can relate to you all here, and let me just say one thing. Keep fighting, and never give up…
— spencer
Depression feels like being a tiny gray dot in the corner. Nothing matters, everything hurts, especially the weariness, especially the darkness. Head full of lukewarm lint, so there are no clear thoughts. No energy, so it is exhausting to lift a hand to comb my hair, so I don’t comb my hair: it is too exhausting. Everything makes you weary.
Depression feels BOOOORING.
— Adelle
Not much to add – you nailed it The one thing you missed was Sally’s quote “I am so tired”. I can’t figure out why I can sleep for 14 hours and still be exhausted.
— BW
i don’t know B.W. I have the same problem except I have trouble sleeping for more then 5 hours a night no matter what I do… But anyways, i’m gonna try to kill myself again pretty soon… any tips or ideas on how? im still not sure… any advice would be helpful
— spencer
Every single one of the above i am the same , i dont feel my life worth living , i hate life , i hate everyone aound me , everyone i see i could shout to high heaven at , i need help i no i do , i sleep for 12 hours and then get up and go back sleep , i dont no what to do , now writing this ive started to cry , how pathetic , over me just writing my feelings to the world
— Matt
It feels like being in a dark hole, and not being able to get out. You can see the light far away, with no way of getting to it. I am not worth anything nor worthy of anyone, at least that’s how I feel, although my mind tells me otherwise. It is a confusing state, no happiness, no enjoyment, no fun, why am I here, only for my family I guess.
— onedayatatime
I feel like i am just totally numb to everything. I can’t do anything right and it is very frustrating. I find myself staring off into space and my mind is blank. I feel like I am nothing. I have dreams but I can’t function normally to achieve them. When I get through the day, I try and tell myself that I did good, but i just focus on what I didn’t do. I can’t remember ANYTHING except, that I can’t remember anything. Everybody is out to get me so I had better get them first. My mind tells me to go do something but my body just won’t pull it off.
— marren
I don’t really want to “LEAVE”. It just seems as though my presence in this world doesn’t matter. I try to help people,but then they make me feel worse. I have lost hope in everything. I keeping waking up every morning and don’t know why. I’m sad and can’t laugh. Everything is boring and useless. I’m told to stop having “pity parties”. It’s not a party,I just hurt.My heart,my head, my body, everything hurts.
— Elaine
I have only once before felt this terrible. I feel like a fake in my own life. I am despeite to be back to who I was before. I love my life and I am feeling like I an losing it. Nothing that I was excited about even as little as a month ago makes me happy- I got a great new job that starts in the fall and I am getting married this summer. I feel so terrible and fearful and sad right now that I cannot believe any of these things will happen and that it will be all my fault. With medicine and time and love I made it out of this before without destroying my life. I hope I can again.
— D
i wake up every day and i just want to die. nothing gives me pleasure anymore. my family get on my nerves and i just want to curl up and sleep and never wake up. i’m so tired. yet no amount of sleep can take the tiredness and lethargy away. i think about my death all the time. i feel such a failure and useless. what is the point in living?
— Robin
Up & down, wave after wave.
The feelings surge with relentless power.
Death must surely offer the respite from the anti social behaviour I’ve fallen victim to.
I never viewed myself as a victim.
Yet depression has claimed me for it’s victim.
My will to live is lost…
Trust me when I say this illness is real.
— Phil
All I can think is that I honestly don’t know. I don’t know. I should be studying for tests and working and focusing but nothing seems important. My brain tries to analyze everything but it just can’t handle it. I feel like I can’t even explain what’s wrong with me.
— N.a.
You know what N/A. You are right. Nothing is important, and i mean NOTHING. We are but an insignificant spec of dust in an everlasting field of space. Nothing I do, or anyone does means anything, and when I die, there will be nothing more. No afterlife, no reincarnation, nothing. I can’t wait until this happens, to go to sleep forever and never wake up… Life is nothing, it means absolutely nothing, and the more I think about that the worse I feel, and the more i feel like ending my useless, pathetic existence in this lame thing we call life.
— Spencer
Everything is a catastrophe, even more so every bad thing that might happen. Nothing has any significant meaning, only suppressing my thoughts. I can’t be honest to anyone as to my real problems, I can’t hurt them (and myself in the process) with simply confessing I feel depressed, I keep up appearances and sort of die inside.
I can’t cry, but I want to die. As I can’t hurt people close to me mentally by killing myself or others physically by choosing the only ways to commit suicide available to me (jumping from high up or jumping in front of a bus etc.), the feeling just boils over inside: I want to die but can’t kill myself. At the same time I just kill my emotions and keep a happy face on the outside: I’m locked-up. And drinking heavily as a cure doesn’t help the symptoms, just takes pain away a little while.
— Just someone
i know the feeling of depression already,
and i’m in 7th grade.
i’ve been having addiction with self abuse,
and even tried to suicide TWO times.
i cry for no apparent reason, and always cry myself to sleep.
i would rest my head against the windowsill,
and blast the music in my ears, blocking everything from me.
i would put on fake smiles, and
laugh to be a two-faced.
— Jenny
I am Extreemly sensitive and tear up every time I see an animal, (even fish), shut up in cages, (or bowls with dirty water). My heart goes out to them with such intense sympathy that I have to force myself to look away. It’s gotten much worse lately. I love animals but that’s not it, I don’t think.
When I see them, I see myself. I also am in a “cage”, alone, with no one to undrestand.
I am So tired of Faking life and conversation when I am with people.
Every Single Day it’s the Same Thing Over and Over Again… God, Please make it STOP!
— Cheryl
Every time i try and think about something that used to make me happy doesnt make me feel happy anymore, even happy feelings give me ansiety. I just dont get it i feel like this cloud is always over me and the sun will never come out. I would love to be someone else who doesnt feel this way. Ive lost my confidence and self esteem. I dont even desire to be in love anymore the thought of that also makes me feel depressed.I just dont understand. I really feel for people who are going through this, its a horrible feeling. But yet i feel so ungratefull knowing that there is starving people all over the world and here i am with enough food to feed four and i am still depressed. No matter how many times a family member will say ‘you should be gratefull your not starving to death or in the middle of a war zone’ and yet that doesnt take this feeling away. But somehow i still have a little HOPE.
— AL
Have you ever seen movies or commercials where you have someone in the center of the frame, standing stock-still, yet the whole room is moving around them at three or four times normal speed?
That’s how it feels to me: The world is going on, and you aren’t.
— L
My life just has no meaning, i dont even matter any more; Its ruining everything!:(
— Becky
I just want it to end. Nothing matters, I feel numb, putting on an a facade that everything is great is becoming more and more difficult. I hate myself and feel so insignificant. It doesn’t help that I married a man who constantly criticizes and disrespects me. I feel like he is right and I am better off dead.
— RC
RC, i feel pretty much exactly the same way you do. I too hate myself and feel so insignificant and numb, and lost… But don’t listen to the things your husband says to you. You should tell your husband that he should be more sincere and help you more through what you are going through, not make you feel worse.
— Spencer
Looking back, I have had depression most of my life.
I am now retired and am unable to enjoy the free time.
I am worse in the mornings-anxious, nervous, don’t want to do anything.
Feel as though I am good for nothing.
Spend most of the time on the sofa, not washing myself-just too much trouble.
Only feel ok when asleep.
Then I wake up and start all over again!
— Jennifer
what everyone been saying is exactly i ‘ve felt for the last 6 months. Always feels so painful inside, unworthy, no hope and always feel like ending my life. I don’t feel anyone would care if i’m exist in this world or not. my existent doesnt mean to anyone especially the those i care and love them the most. people always left me behind, i ‘ve lost everything there is nothing to live for , to fight for. Is that my life?? i kept asking myself all the times. WHat am i still doing here?
— Annie
i do not know at all what is wrong with me i have no clue if i have depression but i just feel strongly that i am not right. i am just about always mad at the world, mad at everyone, of course i do have high anxiety, it is like never-ending exhaustion, and i tell God that i would like to die :( of course i also have a sickness (ibs) which certainly makes me feel bad. but i want to know if something is wrong with me i feel like the only person in the world like me, who thinks like this, sometimes i feel like an “alien” cuz nobody else seems to think like me.
— rachel
I am ashamed of feeling this way. The more I try the less I succeed. I’ve struggled with self image and self esteem for most of my life. I want to feel loved but when someone tries to get close to me I push them away, I become paranoid of their intentions, I don’t see why someone would want to be with me. I can’t wake up without thinking how death is much more of an option than life. I can’t even cry anymore, I’ve surpassed that level, I cannot feel sadness, but repulsion against everything. I cannot accomplish anything, I’ve tried to fight this monster but it comes back to haunt me. I’ve been down for so long I can’t remember what being happy is anymore. Being depressed, well I can’t feel it, I live it. Depression is living in a maze, you cannot seem to find a way out, there is not shinning light at the end of the corridor, because there is no end.
— africa
Everyday seems like hell, when i go to bed at night i can’t sleep cuse i start thinking about how bad the next day is gonna be.
I cant seem to focus or do anything without struggeling aloth. I cant seem to be able to feel any emotion without sadness hopelessnes.
To for every hour that goes at a day i feel worse and ‘‘weakned’‘ and at the end of the day i’m close to taking my own life…
This goes on again and again and again.
Every day…
To i dont seem to find help in any way.. I’m just a highschooler. so i dont know how to get help without making it worse for myself..
— Aleksander
I agree… it’s an existence, but barely. I’m frozen in fear, can barely leave the house. I’ve stopped cleaning, stopped organising, stopped thinking. I don’t love.. I don’t want to be around those I should love. There are no friends. There is no career. I am not an adult in my head. I am a helpless infant trapped in a woman’s body. I’m more of a child than my child is. I pray every night before I sleep that I won’t wake.. my family is better off without me. I am pointless and empty. My existence is pointless. I want it to end. Yet I’ll probably wake up tomorrow, and go through it all again. I don’t want to die.. but I’m scared of living – it’s something I wasn’t taught to do. I hate feeling sorry for myself, but not matter what I try to convince myself of… it never works. I am already dead…
— Anna
I have been feeling useless and repressed my feelings for almost 8 months now. My memory has gone to waste, I ask questions to fill awkward silences but I don’t actually listen for the answers. I force myself to lay in bed till I fall asleep. I have completely lost my appetite and my sex drive. I do not have the courage to kill myself because of the guilt I would give my family. I constantly hope for something fatal to happen to me as long as it wasn’t my fault.
— Danny
My heart hurts. I hate myself because I am the most selfish person in existence. Whenever I say something as the words leave my mouth I am wishing I hadn’t said them, because everything I say sounds so SO STUPID or SO PATHETIC. My additions to common conversation are disgusting. I am constantly calling myself names. I wish harm upon myself, but at the same time I’m constantly paranoid and frightened that something awful is about to happen. I think of my failures and the things I am incapable of. I think of how I’ve disappointed everyone in my life. I think of how I want to die. I wish for a drunk driver to hit my car. I think of things I wish were said to me. All these thoughts cause the pain in my heart. Sometimes it’s a dull feeling like the blood is just leaking out of it. Sometimes it’s intense waves of pain and I have to press my hand to my chest in attempt to make it stop. I can’t trust anyone because I’m not worth anything. There isn’t a point to being loyal to me or loving me.
I don’t believe in myself anymore.
— Dana
I always felt inferior, quick to criticize myself, although I know I am smart, but that does not makes a difference.
I am too sensitive to pain upon me or any other creature, the concept of torture crushes my heart and drive me to sadness and anger.
I feel life is just a stupid chemical whom try to copy itself, very insignificant and absurd.
At age of 33, I started taking medication, things got little bit better, now I have mood swings instead of constant sadness..
The only hope is I know someday it will all end.
— Bill
Suddenly losing all your physical power – even holding a pencil is difficult, or holding your head up. An acute need to rest.
Not being able to breathe – having to walk out of meetings and classes to just sit down and concentrate on breathing properly.
Suicidal ideation – not necessarily being suicidal, but as you walk every rooftop you see is a potential jump, every car that rushes past you is a violent way out, each bottle of pills you see gives a mental image of an overdose, sharp objects make your skin crawl and so on… You’re not really considering it for real, but the thoughts repeat themselves in your head, and everything is a trigger. You’re more aware of death than ever before.
— Jen
I just feel so worthless. My husband doesn’t “believe in” depression and thinks I’m being lazy and using it for an excuse. Maybe he’s right. I just can’t seem to sync up with the rest of the world…I’m five steps behind. Depression is the most selfish disease, but then you feel guilty all the time, then you hate yourself, then feel depressed again, then guilt….it just goes on and on. I just want to go to sleep and never wake up.
— Daphne
I’ve spent countless hours searching to find out what’s wrong with me and all I ever found were general symptoms of depression and anxiety. Tonight I stumbled upon this site and found many people who feel the same way I do. I am so miserable and at times I get so frustrated that I want to do something bad because maybe if I suffer consequences then that will reassure me that I’m real. This site has given me a glimmer of hope in that I’m not the only one like this and so there has to be a way to treat these feelings of insanity.
— Jeff
For the first time in my life i feel lost, like i really don’t know who i am , sometimes i think about commiting suicide , and what makes it worse is as soon as i start thinking about suicide i feel even worse for feeling like this in the first place, i used to think i was a strong person but i give up, everywhere i go there sees to be just something blocking my way. i just dont know what to do
— Tim
It always comes back at random times. There’s no escaping that. Some people aren’t meant to be happy. We are examples of these people. There will be times when we are happy, but it will always come back one way or another, it just takes something to trigger it off.
— Catherine
It feels like a living hell to be blunt. I cannot remember a single day in my 40 plus years that I have not wanted to die, hated myself, resented God and my parents for my existence. I wish I never was because then there would be no pain, no suffering and no remorse. Even as I write this down I want to die and wish I had the guts to do it myself. Life is suffering, misery, pain without hope. The only guarantee in life for me is that i will suffer again and again until I finally sleep for the last time. The only hope for me in life is looking forward to the day I don’t wake up above ground.
— Mike D
I’ve just realized that I’m depressed and my story is much like some people that have posted here. Daily life has no real meaning, joyful moments are fleeting, the purpose is gone in my life and I want it back so badly. I do still smile and laugh from time to time, but the heaviness sets back in quickly. After reading some of these posts I realize that I’m not alone and that I really am depressed. I questioned it for so long since I still was able to smile. It’s been holding me back and I’m so sick of it. Thank you all for helping me realize that I’m depressed and for now being able to accept it and treat it.
-James
— James
I am 13 years old, my life was a mess, but i knew that deep deep deep a million times deep inside i didnt WANT to die, i have learnt that people do suicide beacuse it feels like it would take off alot of relif, it dosn’t. Because when you are dead, what is there to feel, nothing, so you wouldnt feel relif, would you? if i put barrier across your shoulders with weights on the end, and i kept piling the weights up, you would still try and stand-up, you wouldnt fal down on the ground, because it would stii hurt you, because there would be nomore hope,and no more Hope hurts. Would we be here if there was no reason 2 be? i think not. and i beleive that if a 13 year old can keep going, you can.
Sincerely,
Kate.
P.s if you managed have read this far and managed to stay alive for this time, that means there must be some hope, and now that you have managed to read this and not do anything stupig, treat yourself, you deserve,
and i should know… : )
— Kaite
It helps to read these comments posted. I just recently admitted to my spouse that I am depressed. I have struggled with it since I was a child, but have not had the courage to ask for help. There is just so much baggage in me that I can’t drop or don’t know how. so many mistakes that cannot be undone. I always feel like an outsider. Like everyone else has it all figured out. I want to be happy and live a long life, but I get knocked down by these thoughts in my head when I least expect it. Why does it have to be so much work to want to live a happy life?
— T
I don’t know if this is part of depression,but i’ve been crying a lot for months.I feel like a hypocrite and a disgusting person most of the time.There is guilt for not helping out the people that i care for but i just didn’t lift a finger to help.So alone,even when there are so many who care about me.Dreams feel unrealistic and untouchable.I’m only aware that i’m growing old.Future feels bleak.Familiar and foreign places scare me.Routines are boring,relationships fail.everything is so boring.
— someone
I feel powerless to save my livelihood, my marriage and my happiness. I feel frozen with indecision and procrastination. I haven’t done a lick of real work for several months and that makes it worse. My spouse hates me. I hate myself.
— Bob
I just don’t want to be here anymore. I am tired- I am beyond tired. Life has no joy- life is a chore. Everyone wants a piece of me. I give and give and it is never enough. There is so little left to give- I have nothing left.
Would I be missed? Perhaps for what I do for people I will be missed- but not me. I am not loved- I am needed- I am used. I am the person who cleans up everyone’s mess. My sacrifices help fix the bad decisions of others. No one hears my cry for help- no one wants to listen. I only have meaning when I deliver- no one offers a helping hand when I am tired. They see I am tired- I tell them I am tired- yet they ask for more- and I am trained to give …. until it is all gone- including my spirit- my being- my life.
— Roy
I’m going through the anger stage. To all the ‘normal’ people out there who are blessed with not waking up each morning trying to figure out new ways to avoid eye contact with the mirror in the bathroom: I am depressed. I am SORRY if this makes you feel slightly ‘uncomfortable’ but hey, SUCK IT UP! I would give my left foot and every dollar in the bank if the worst thing i felt in a day was ‘uncomfortable’!
— Lisa
I am in so much pain. Physically my body aches my head hurts my stomach is always upset. I convince myself I have some terrible illness the fear won’t go away I became withdrawn eventually my friends stopped calling and I’m alone. I stay in my room feeling pathetic constantly anxious i get up go to work body aching brain in a fog I just want it to either end or get better. My doctor tells me i’m doing it to myself nothing is worng with me and to just stop. I wish is could flick that switch not even back to happy but flick it on the normal but i can’t
— Cheryl
Depression for me is feeling on the verge of tears all the time, esp. when hearing a sad songs. I am in recovery for addiction to pills. Although I am doing very well, the depression is still there, despite the anti-depressants I am on…(anyone taking Effexor?)
Mornings are hard, just getting dressed takes almost all day. I am a stay at home mom, and sad that my only child will be in high school next year, then eventually leaving, getting married, etc. also thinking about the past-(family members I have lost, pets…) and the future (others I will someday lose) is very scary.
I change stations if any sad songs are on, as they just make me feel more depressed…
Reading these posts do help, as I was searching for a place with other’s experiences, as no one else who does not have this disease cannot really describe how it feels…The commercial for Cymbalta even makes me sad…Very scary that this disease hangs on for years and years. Cannot remember when I felt truly happy…(except when married, and when daughter was born)
Good luck to you all.
Becky
— Becky
you hide behind a’happy’facade knowing your family don’t understandd.you wonder why me again,how awful must I be.How do i get to feel again…should I leave so nobody can see me like this….why can’t people leave me alone I’m nobody,I JUST CAN’T COPE ANYMORE,as you do get better,you always wonder how long before the next time…
— d
Life is not easy to live , if you have people around you who make you feel as if you are an outsider or something , life is not easy when sincerest of your friends turn away from you at the time of need ,My life is like that , i am afraid how long will i be able to last with this one
— Ali
I dont understand how sad i feel all the time
its been four months and its starting to make me go loopy in the head! and want to do stupid things which could hurt me and the family!
Tantrums were always my thing and that was how i expressed my emotion!
The reason i have noticed a change in my self is because all my emotion is coming out with alot of tears!
I cant begin to explain all the thoughts running through my head! and im avoiding everyday life! which means im failing school running behind in my dancing! and never satisfied to work at all! and on the weekends i just get incredibly smashed! and i can tell you this much alcohol is not the key answer to feeling better!
It makes you more depressed and not happy with your self at all!
im still going through all the emotion nowww but writing it up feels like im letting it all out!!
I will be doing this more often!
It takes timee!
— Em Cagg
What you all say is true. I too also understand the pain of depression. I have attempted suicide at least 5 times in my life i am 22 years old and i already feel dead. No matter how i tell myself i wanna be happy i just cant find it regardless of how hard i try everything fails that i try i cant even keep a relationship going without that failing too. i am dying inside and eventually it will become a reality for me. i dont know if i can fights this anymore. i wish i had a sign but i dont know where to find it. i dont know if ill ever find it. im scared because i dont know if ill ever escape
— Mat Mitchell
It’s like circling the drain and waiting for the end to finally come as you try to pull yourself away from that awfull abyss that represents the end of all that you know and cherish while holding on to hope and determination with the expectation that one day you will finally see that light on the horizon and mount that strong white horse and ride off into the sunset with the love of your life at your side and the wind in your hair. It is a dream unfulfilled, love unrequited, and hopes dashed on the rocky shoreline of your life that spurs you on to another day of challenges and loss as you cirle the drain and wait for the end to finally come as you try to pull youself away from . . . . . and on and on it goes until the repetition of life can no longer be borne and you wait for the end to finally come as death encircles you and takes you away from all this madness that we call life.
— Gay
All I know is that I want the pain to end. I don’t want to live like this.
— Anon
I felt like I couldn’t escape from depression. Nothing in my life could register any positive emotion. Everything just made me feel worse. I felt like I didn’t have the energy to do anything. i was frustrated with the people and the world around me. I felt like I had no true friends and nobody really understood me. It was like i was in a deep dark hole and I couldn’t find any way out.
I almost committed suicide but I had a sort of revelation about my life and things got better from there.
I came accross this quote, that was something like “anyone can die but it takes a bigger person live”
or something
I don’t think that was quite right
but that was the jist of it
— Mot
My friend got cancer and i was jealous of him and wish i would become sick and die because i am to scared to kill myself, my life is so boring, nobody likes me, nobody calls me anymore, i have no dreams for my future i just want to die
— Greg
I crawl forward,
all my effort,
knee over knee my neck,
twisted to see the fog,
and the beyond drowned,
help me through the thin veil,
I want to love again,
I want to want again,
my legs strengthen,
the sky briefly blooms blue,
hands leave the dirty ground behind,
fresh air slides sexy into my lungs,
something invisible hacks at my shoulders,
I stumble,
palms pressed into the gravel once more,
knees dirty,
all my effort
— G
For me its like it will never go away. Some days its okay others it is very bad. i dont want it to be this way but it is. It hurts me alot because my 6 yr old sees me i know he is a huge reason to not feel like this but i do and i cannot help it. Most of the time i want my life to just end.
— Mary
i wake up feeling like i’m living a life i don’t want. i don’t remember the last time i felt truly happy. i long for the past, even when i know i felt the same way, if not worse, back then. everything takes a tremendous effort. its mid afternoon and i’m still wearing the clothes i slept in. i know i have a good life, i know i have everything that should make me satisfied…but i feel nothing.
— jennifer
I am a Zombie. I breathe, sleep, eat & shit…but that doesn’t make me “alive”….I am no more alive than a houseplant. I have even lost the ability to cry or feel anything! I’m always exhausted…no matter how much I sleep! That’s why I’m an insomniac! Suicidal thoughts: I tried to kill myself once a decade ago…I came pretty close! I rented a motel room; got drunk; got naked on the bed and placed a grocery bag over my head to try to suffocate myself! I thought the liquor would help make it easier…not so! The pain of lack of oxygen was too much too bear…even for 3minutes! So I tore a hole for my mouth…to breathe…damnit…I was soo close to PEACE! Why i failed? Because I decided not to handcuff myself(yes. I brough handcuffs because I knew I would “wuss” out…which i did). Before I tried to kill myself…I wrote a few letters to my family to apologize and to assure them that it wasn’t their fault…but my own. I was a flawed person…and I felt like the Midas touch king…except everything I touched turned to shit!-Zombie
— zombie
I am plagued with relentless thoughts of death. Not of dying but of the reality, the nothingness of death to which we are all headed. I can’t wrap my head around the idea of that “nothingness” and as I try, I begin living it. The constant thought that nothing matters because everything ends and I even start wondering what my reality is, maybe my life is just imaginary, an illusion, how can I be “something” now and then be “nothing” forever after. I can’t make sense of my existence even though I go through the motions interacting with others. Are they figments of my imagination, or am I a figment of someone else’s imagination. It is a desperate and exhausting struggle, trying to make my way through another day.
— S
I wake up in the morning scared. scared because I know the negative thoughts are about to hit me. And they do, in seconds. I worry ALL day, i have a combination or anxiety and depression, one builds on the other. I worry that I don’t love my girlfriend, when I look at her I don’t feel anything, but I dont feel anything when i look at anything I used to love. My world feels literally small and dark, I can’t think clearly into the future, I just don’t know anything. I have moments of clarity where I smile and laugh when i think about my girlfriend and then all the worry just comes straight back. It sounds petty but i can’t control it at all. Im so scared. this site helped me alot. I’m soooo lonely, every day. I can’t eat, physically sick with worry. I need someone to tell me I’ll get through it!
— N
my terrible depression has lasted for one year..I lost myself, i lost focus, i cried nonstop day and night -24/7..nothing made me happy, i was hopeless in life, i felt guilty about everything, i lost the sense of life, every night i had nightmares, i could not sleep, i could not concentrate on anything, my memory was really slow, i’ve started to avoid people and lock myself in the closet, i tried to make something and believe again in life, but Nothing helped me, i felt i was totally destroyed, i felt that i don’t belong to this world anymore…i feel much better now, but
it’s still comes up and goes away.. Depression- i call hell , my darkness world that covered me through the year, that dropped me from everything, that almost made me losing my mind..everyday i questioned myself -what for ? why? and then i got to an emergency room..
— Panter
nothing is ever ok.
— Aaron
Well, it’s a good thing I saw this site tonight. I was going to kill myself tonight. In my case, it actually would be a good idea, because my depression is a huge burden on my entire family and is hurting my youngest kid (who himself is depressive), and the sooner I am out of the way, the better for all concerned. But we had a suicide in our immediate family recently, and I feel that it would be unfair for the family to suffer another one. It’s not that I matter so much—I really don’t—but my husband thinks I do, and the kids might notice. I didn’t want to be like this, but I guess I have an embarrassing mental illness.
— Little Jen